Life Remains Eternally by Melissa K. Lane
I
recently experienced something within my immediate circle of family that kind of shook us all to the core, on many different levels. I have been pondering whether or not to share this very intimate experience, and decided it may touch someone who requires healing in this area of their lives. So, here goes… A couple of months ago I was informed by my eldest daughter, Natalia, that she and her guy were pregnant. I was filled with a myriad of emotions, and joy at the prospect of another slice of life being introduced into all of our lives. Natalia was overjoyed at the opportunity of being a mother. When she was a small child she always portrayed motherly traits and voiced that she wanted babies. (smile) She was serious about this. So, as we all settled into our new up and coming roles, it was almost like graduation time. Natalia was to be a mother, Diego a father for the second time, Diego’s son to be a big brother, Lily an Aunt, myself a grandma, and my father a grand-grandfather. We pondered names, baby furniture, paint colors for the nursery, went maternity shopping for clothes for Natalia, etc. I was in the process of rearranging my work schedule to fit, so I could be of assistance to the baby and new parents when the time came. I eliminated things in my life that would no longer be feasible when the time came for the baby to come into physicality. I wrote Natalia a letter, and told her that I loved the baby before it even became a reality, because I love her so much. So, here comes the other part of this story. Last week Natalia went to her first Pre-Natal appointment, and was scheduled for her first ultrasound this past Tuesday. This in itself became a family affair. We all took off work and school to be there to get the first physical glimpse of the baby. We all gathered around the computer monitor and saw the first flashes of the baby. I immediately did not sense anything… which for me is unusual. I thought to myself, “why don’t I feel anything?” I brushed it aside and continued to participate in this event. I also did not want to alarm Natalia who can read me like a book.
Also, being in the medical profession, I knew something was amiss, but kept quiet. After the procedure was completed we were all in the waiting room when the technician came in and said she needed a few more pictures. After this another person came in, and said Natalia was to see her primary physician the very next morning, but would not tell us why. At this point we all knew something was totally amiss. We went to eat lunch, and to say the least it was quiet, and there were a few wet eyes at the table. Tuesday night was like the movie 7 years in Tibet! It seemed never ending. The next morning, Natalia and Diego went to the doctors. I was driving down the road at 11am that morning, and got the phone call from Natalia. She was crying and sounded as she did when she was a small child, and was hurt about something. She went on to say, that the baby had stopped growing at 10 weeks, and that it did not have a heart beat anymore. I felt as though someone had punched me in the stomach, and could feel the raw, bleeding emotions of my daughter flowing through me. Everything else in my life stopped at that moment, and my complete focus was on Natalia and how I could transmute some of this for her to ease her pain and sense of confusion. In this, I consciously opened my heart and gave it everything I had, and kept on giving more and going beyond what I thought more ever was. I then snapped into action, as I always do, (one of my best attributes is my ability to snap to, and do whatever it takes, when the shit hits the fan, so to speak). I went and picked up Lily from school early, to prep her and assist her in what was to come with her own emotions regarding her sister and the situation as a whole. Once Natalia was home, and I was able to take her into my heart and arms and ease a bit of the burden, I went home, and sat with all of it with myself for a few hours. Tuesday evening was like a slow moving train and then Wednesday night was even slower! I looked for the deeper meaning of this experience and found the answers. I then relayed them to Natalia which did ease the self blame and bitterness she was feeling, and allowed this phase of emotion to pass through her and out of her.
The next morning, I had Lily taken to school and myself, Natalia and Diego went to the hospital to have the procedure to remove the fetus performed. I did what I do, and set the energy before we got there and held it while we were there, and thereafter. Everything went well, medically, actually better than well… We then all went home, Natalia and Diego to get some physical rest, and myself, a chance to deflate. Today is Friday and we are all dealing with the aftermath. I relayed to Natalia and will do so here for others, that no matter how awakened, aware, or fully conscious one may be, while it does help to know the ‘why’s and ‘how come’s of a situation, we still are to give way to the full experience that we have placed before us. That it is not something to brush aside and by the same token, not to allow oneself to be drowned in. Allow and accept the situation for what it is, allow all the emotions to pass through, but don’t for one second, stop moving. Keep on moving and never stop, never quit and never give up… and mostly, don’t dwell… So… even through all my knowing and understanding, I am sad. I am sad, for my daughter mainly, and upset that I can’t take this from her completely and erase the chalk board and start over again, to delete this segment of her life. But knowing what I know, I know it does not work this way (smile) My heart aches for her. I AM Me; and in being ME, I have decided to do what I know how to do, and that is LOVE beyond my current capacity and take this LOVE to a whole other level, so that the healing process will be quick and steady. What I am also able to see, is a set of twins on the horizon, the very soon horizon. Natalia has been made aware of this, and as I told her, it does not dismiss the life that you have carried inside of you, but all is well (smile) The essence of life did not go… anywhere, but remains eternally… Love
S
photography Brigitte Geisler
Wisp e-zine
SEPTEMBER 2008
23