California Dispatch The shock of our presence is queering the model, even if all we do is live in the world. A divorced lesbian mother chuckled about the unusual situation when she and her six-year-old daughter attended “back to school night”, with her ex-wife’s new partner and her son, in the same class (whom my friend’s daughter considers her step-brother) and the boy’s sperm donor father. The school, the other parents … have to deal with it. And speaking of donors, today’s reproductive technology presents new challenges for many families, LGBT and not. The sweet storybooks of the past about loving moms and dads “laying close together” and making babies are of little help to children of alternative conception. How do you tell a kid they came from a petri dish? One friend of mine has been open about the profiles of her children’s anonymous donors from the beginning. A few books have been written for these more straightforward (so to speak) situations. Others have more complex relationships to explain. The six-year-old girl above has two siblings that she’s starting to ask why she doesn’t live with “like brothers and sisters are supposed to.” They are the product of the IVF of another lesbian couple close to her mom; she’s the “leftover” embryo her mom’s friends gave her because her own attempts had failed. Who will write that children’s book about love and hope and commitment 30 EILE Magazine
– and intention – and what impact will it have on society’s understanding of parenting? All the queer parents I spoke with agreed that they expect their children to create their own relationships with each parent. Their roles are defined by personality, and to some extent availability, and old “butch/femme” patterns don’t apply. The more seemingly “butch” member of one lesbian pair is the birth mother; her “femme” wife is the soccer coach. The light-sleeping gay dad is the first up in the middle of the night; his hubby is often the day-nurturer. There usually seems to be a “lap” parent, and a “fun” parent. They all intend to be sure their kids avoid the stereotypical gender trappings, although one lesbian mom found that it only took one day at pre-school for her daughter to come home a princess. Fortunately, even princesses aren’t what they used to be. It remains to be seen whether the gay dads can as successfully avoid the princess defender stereotype. LGBT people still have families of choice, although our choices are perhaps less politically motivated than they once were, when we took great care to include gender and ethnic diversity in our children’s role models. Only one set of the parents I spoke with ranked such concerns high on their list. Dependability, spirituality, and a genuine love for the child were the common criteria. We’ve got lots of studies telling us that the children of LGBT
parents turn out just fine, but is there a better than fine? Every generation advances past the last, and sure it’s clear that the young are more open than older folks, but might our kids bring anything special to the social change table? My 34-year-old “godson” (I’m only one of several “godmothers”) was killed in an accident recently. Raised by a usually single, lesbian, adoptive mom (his birth mother is also lesbian) with an expansive formal and chosen “family shrub,” he was a pillar to his numerous adopted and foster siblings. I first heard the word “lesbro” from him – it’s how some of his friends referred to him, not always in a complimentary fashion, but often (especially with potential girlfriends) with amused exasperation. When a wellintentioned but inappropriate remark about race was made at a political event, and we caught each other in a simultaneous flinch, he laughed and said, “I can’t believe we’re the only ones who heard that!” His memorial service nearly filled a fairly large church, with an amazing number of interconnected networks of friends that he had woven together. He was praised for his ability to bring people in, and love them for themelves, for being an inspiring model of what “masculine” could really mean. After hearing the stories about his upbringing, many people told me they understood why he was the way he was.