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For all the girlies who are *independent* but sometimes need someone to spoil you, reward you, and call you a good girl.
LIAM
OneYearAgo,CatalinaIsland
Ata quarter to eight, Iwalknextdoor and knockonZoe’s door. Whenno one answers, Ipull the spare roomkeyfrommy pocketandopenherdoor,butit’sempty
Thescatteredliquorbottlesoverturnedonthecoffeetablecatchmyeye.
Fuck, fuck, double fuck
Fucking teenagers.
Grumbling, Istalkover to the table and sweep the bottles into a nearbytrashcan, and thenIpour the restofher cheap vodka downthe draininthe bathroom.WhenIwalkbackout,Inotice the various items offoodlyingaround chips,salsa, cookies,brownies…
Withoutthinking,Isnatchoneofthebrowniesandshoveitintomymouth,chewingquickly Myphonebuzzes,andIremove itfrommypocket.
ZOE
atthebarincaseyourewondering
Thebar?Howthefuckissheatthebarwhenshe’sunderage?Iswear,Zoeisgoingtogivemeaheartattackoneday
Afterdoingonelastperusalforillegallyobtainedalcohol,I’msatisfiedenoughtoclosethedoorbehindmeandmakemy waydowntothebartoreprimandherfornotlisteningtome
Myfootstepsechoonthestonefloorofthehallway,clickingominouslyasItakethestairs.Whatthe hell isZoeplayingat? I’mnotsureifit’salatentrebellionorifit’sacryforhelp,buteitherwayherbehaviorisunacceptable.Ormaybeshestopped botheringtohideitfrommebecauseIdon’thaveanysayoverwhatshedoesnowthatshe’seighteen
Give an inch, and she’ll take a mile.
LikewhenIremovedhercurfewthissummerandshestayedoutallnight
OrwhenIgavehermoneyforfoodlastmonthandshespentitonatattoo.
She’srebelliousandwildatnightdespiteconductingherselflikeasaintduringtheday especiallyaroundotherpeople Shehasmostfooled.
Infact,shewillbestartingatCrestwoodUniversitynextweekonafullscholarship.
Thefrustratingthingis,it’snotlikeIdon’ttrusther I do She’sprovedherselftobemorematurethananyteenagerI’ve everknown.She’seasytotakecareofbecauseshehardlyneedsme.It’salmostlikeshe’stryingtogetcaughtdoingthingsshe knowshehasnobusinessdoing andshe’sdoingitforareason
Ifit’sanattentionthing,Ican’tfathomwhysheneedsitfromme ofallpeople.
Iscantheroomandletmyeyesflickovereveryfacetofindmyward,andIimmediatelyseeZoeandarandomguydoinga rowofthreetequilashotsatthecrowdedbar.
I don’t fucking think so.
Scowling,Istalkoverandglareatthemanuntilhegetsthehintandleaves
“Hey,” she says casually, lookingatme throughher longlashes as she stands up. Her eyes are glazed as theysearchmy face,andshehasasingleviolettuckedbehindherrightear
“You’renotoldenoughtodrink,”Imutter.
“Toolate.Comeon,takeashotwithme,”shedrawls,stumblingslightlyasshegesturestothethreeglassesofclearliquid onthebar.
TheangerintensifiesasIstareather.“Areyoudrunk?”Iyelloverthenoiseofthebar.
Herhoneybrowneyesboreintomine,butshedoesn’tgiveanythingaway.She’scomposedinherobviouslydrunkenstate, yetthe term barely holding it together runs throughmymind. Itusuallydoes whenitcomes to her. I’mnotanidiot. Iknow she’srebellingforareason
Ijustneedtofigureoutwhatthatreasonis.
“Comeon,Liam,”shesays,hervoicelow “Takeashotwithme” Atorrentofthoughtsrushthroughmymind.
She has to act composed She’s had to carry her grief alone, not to mention at such a young age “No. You’re drunk. You’re out of your mind if youthinkI’mwillingto get youmore drunk, especially because you’re underage.Speakingof,how are youpurchasingalcoholwithoutanID?”
Sherollshereyes,andIsweartogod,it’sthemostinfuriatingthing “Don’tworryaboutit Youonlyliveonce,Liam You andIshouldknowthatbetterthananyone.”
Myfacehardens,andIsighheavily,tryingtokeepthesilkenthreadofwarningoutofmyvoice “Puttheshotsdownand I’llwalkyoutoyourroom.Nomorealcohol,Zoe.”
Sheboldlymeetsmygaze,pickingtwooftheshotglassesup “Watchme”
Thenshethrowsoneoftheshotsback.Mywholebodytensesandmyjaw tightens.Idon’ttakemyeyesoffher.Warning bells go off, but Iignore thembecause I’mtoo busyseeingred. Somehow, she’s the onlypersonwho is able to pierce my complacency theonlypersonabletofindaperversepleasureinchallengingme It’s maddening.
Itonlytakesasecondformyhandtograbhers,loweringmyheadslightlyandraisingtheothershotglassinherhandtomy lips.Ittriggerssomethingwarmtoeruptinsideofme.IkeepmyeyeslockedonhersasItilttheglassbackandswallow the liquideasilybeforedroppingherhand.
“Happynow?”Iask,annoyancelacingmywords.
“Very.”
Iwipemymouthwiththebackofmyhandandglaredownather Darkthoughtsswirlinmymind thoughtsthathaveno righttobegoingthroughmymindwhenIlookatmybestfriend’seighteen-year-olddaughter.
Butagain,I’mnotperfect,andI’dlovenothingmorethantoshowherwho’sincharge “Happybirthday,oldguy.Idon’tthinkI’veeverseenyoudrinktequila,”Zoesays,settingtheglassesdownandsmilingat me.Likealways,hersmiledisarmsme,andcompletelyobliterateseverydominatingthoughtthathadbeenrunningthroughmy mind.
We’reinCatalinaformythirty-ninthbirthday,andwehavedinnerreservations.OriginallyI’dinvitedmyfourbrothersfor theweekend,buttheyallcancelledatthelastminute,leavingZoeandIaloneatthebeachfrontresort
WhenIdon’trespond,shecontinues.“Soloquacioustonight,”shemutterssarcastically. “Loquacious?You’rewillingtocasuallydroptheword loquacious intothisconversation,butyoucan’tbotherwithsimple punctuationwhiletextingme?”
Shesmirksandtiltsherhead,givingmeamischievoussmile.“Ionlydothattopissyouoff.”
Ican’thelpbutbarkalaugh “Goodtoknow”
“Youlooklikeyoumightbesick,”sheadds,eyesflickingacrossmyface.“Notafanoftequila?” “Notexactly Ihadabadexperienceonce”
Shegrins,showcasingherdimples.“When?”
“Atashowwithyourfather Thatnightisablurofloudmusic,moshpits,tattoos ” “Tattoos?”Asparkleglimmersinhereyes.
Ipress mylips together, butIdon’tanswer her. Iguess she knows a thingor two abouttattoos now. Her lips tuginto a mischievoussmirk
“Soyouare fununderneathallofthat,”sheteases,pressingafingerintomychest. Anelectriczinggoesstraightfromherfingertomycock Fuck
I lean against the bar to move away fromher, but she does the same our bodies only inches apart. It’s a trial of my restraint,andsofarI’mwinning Barely.
“I’monlyfunundercertainconditions,”Itell herhonestly.Betweentakingcareofeveryone,myjob,andwriting,Idon’t haveverymuchfun thesedays
“Conditions…suchas?”
Don’t even think about it This is dangerous territory, Liam “Wouldn’tyouliketoknow?”Igrumble. “Tellme,”shebegs.
Maddening.Sheis so fucking maddening. “Knowledgeisearned.”
Shepoutsforasecond,whichmakesmyliptwitch.Thenshereachesouttosignaltothebartender,butIgrabherwrist,a chargedshockpassingbetweenusagain.
“You’redonefortonight It’stimefordinner,anyway”HermouthdropsopenasIletgoofherhand “Onemoreshot,”shepleads,eyeswidening. “No”
“Please?Comeon.It’syourbirthday,andweshouldcelebrate.”Withonesternlookfromme,sheholdsherhandsupand walksaway “Okay,fine Youwin ButI’llwearyoudownsoon,”sheadds Somethingflashesinherexpressionwhenshesays that,butIignoreit.
Aftermakingourwaytotheadjoiningrestaurant,myhandonZoe’slowerbacktheentiretime,wesettleinatourtable.A trayofshotsappearsonlymomentslater
You’ve got to be kidding.
“Well,nowyouhavenochoice,”Zoesaysslowlyfromnexttome,reachingfortwoshots
MynostrilsflareasItaketheoneofferedtome,becausewhythefucknot?Youonlyturnthirty-nineonce. Givingheradark,pointedlook,Iquicklytakeanothershot,andshedoesthesamething Testing me.
Every goddamn minute of this trip.
Theservercomesbackwithmoretequilashots,andagainstmybetterjudgement,weeachdotwomore Fuck.
Imanagehalfatacobeforethetequilashotsandbeershavefullyhitme,andIslideintoasortofeuphoric,tipsy,relaxed state.BeforeIcanprotest,Zoestandsup.
“I’mgoingtodance.”
Myreflexesaremoreslowthannormal,soittakesmeafewsecondstoreact.BeforeIknowit,IseeZoedancingonthe dance floor at the front of the restaurant. And because I’m not thinking clearly, I let my eyes track every one of Zoe’s movements Tampingdownmyprotectiveness, I stayput, but myeyes follow her She raises her arms above her head and swaysherhipstothemusic.Herdarkreddressisabittootightandrevealing,withalargeslitthatrunsupherleftthigh,and everytimeshemoves,itinchesupslightly Despitetellingmyselfnottolook,Ido.
Onlyforasecond.
She’snolongertheganglyteenagerhuggingherkneestoherchestatherparents’funeral.Inplaceofherbracesisalarge smilewithperfectteeth.Inplaceofherlonghairissleek,shoulder-length,darkbrownwaves.Wheresheusedtobetoothin, she’sfilledout Hereyeshavemoresoultothemnow She’swisernow,andshedoesn’tseemeighteen There’slifeanddeath andgriefbehindheramberirises.Aweightedknowledgeofthecomplexitiesoflifethatnoteenagershouldknowyet.Instead of hiding in a shell, like she used to do, she stands with confidence She knows what she wants She’s intelligent and responsible usually andI’minaweofhereverydamnday.
I frown when I see a man approach her, placing his hands on either side of her waist. I expect her to brush him off consideringhe’stwiceherage,butshedoesn’t Instead,shecloseshereyesandrunsahandthroughherhair,herbangssticking toherforeheadfromexertion.Kickingoffherheelsshetwistsaround,wrappingherarmsaroundthestranger’sneck,pressing herbodyagainsthisastheymovetothemusictogether,abdomensseeminglygluedtogether Hishandsroamlower,gripping herassunabashedly,anditonlytakesonehesitantpushofherhandonhischestformetochargeforward.
I stumble over my feet, grimacing when I realize I’m really fucking drunk, but it’s more than that; perhaps it’s the combinationofthebeerandtequila.Ittakesmeafewsecondstostabilizemyself,butthenIwrapmyhandaroundZoe’sbare armandtugherawayfromthemanwhowon’tstopleeringather.
Iwon’tfuckingtolerateit
She’smy…
She’s
The music is too loud, and myskinpebbles for no reasonother thanthe factthatI’mtouchingher. It’s like everythingis enhanced
“Whatareyoudoing,Liam?”sheyells,tryingtopulloutofmygrasp.Iopenandclosemymouthtorespond,butthelights fromthestageareflickeringaroundherfaceandcombinedwiththebrightpurpleflowerbehindherear,she’ssomehoweven morefuckingbeautifulthansheusuallyis “Areyouhigh?”sheasks,laughinghysterically “Yourpupilsaredilated” MybrowsfurrowasIwatchher.“High?WhythefuckwouldIbehigh?”
She’snearlydoubledoverinlaughter “Didyouhappentoeatsomeofmyspecialbrownies?” Realizationslamsintome.
Thebrownie theoneIshovedintomymouthwithoutthinking.
“Edibles? Really,Zoe?”
Herhandcomestohermouthasshelaughssomemore.“Please,likeyounevergothighwithmydad.Besides,they’relegal
inCalifornia ”
“Yes,becauseI’msurethatargumentholdsmeritconsideringit’sonlylegalifyou’retwenty-one,”Isnap,myeyesdragging overthepebbledfleshofherchest
MypulsespikeswhenIseehowheavilyshe’sbreathing,howfuckingsoft herskinlooks…
Shit It’stheedibletalking
“Itwas fuckingirresponsible ofyouto bringdrugs withyou,” Isnap, waveringbetweenbeingimpaired and wantingto scoldher
“Fine,but ”
“Listentome,”Isay,emphasizingeachword.Ireachoutandgriphershoulders,wantinghertofullygrasptherealityof this situation She could’ve been arrested “I’mpretty sure it’s still a misdemeanor to possess marijuana under the age of twenty-one.That’saheftyfine,ormaybejailtime,orboth.Isthatwhatyouwant?Yourentirefutureupinflames?Thisisabig deal,andIwon’ttoleratethisbehavior”
It’s beendrizzlingonandoffall day,andthe rainbegins topickup,suddenlycomingdownharder.The manshe’dbeen dancingwithwalksovertowherewe’restanding,butIpullherawayfromhim
“Youcanfuckrightoff,”Igrowlathim,myhandsstillonZoe’sarms.
AsZoeopenshermouthtoargue,theskyopensfurtherandpeoplescatter.Shestaresupatmewithoutflinching.
“Whatwasthatfor?”
“He’stwiceyourage,”Iexplain.
She steps away and balls her fists, and in this moment, she looks so small especially with the rain already soaking throughherdress.Iwatchastheheavydropsclingtohergoldenskinandherdarklashesasshestaresupatme.
Beyondtheplayfulness,Iseethesadnessbehindherpupils. Theheavyweightthatfollowshereverywhere.
The grief.
Iknowbecausethatsameweightfollowsmeeverywhere,too I’manassholeforbeingsohardonher,becauseatthecoreofit,she is grieving. “Youknowyoucanstopworryingaboutmenow,”sheslurs “I’llalwaysworry,”Igritout.
“AndI’msayingyoudon’thavetoanymore.”
Shelooksaway,andIwatchherexpressiongrowsullenerbythesecond.Shethinksshe’saburden,andsheresentsmefor lookingoutforher.Shemayfightmeonthings,butIknowshe’sfoldinginwardoutofinstinct. So much like her father
Overtheyears,I’vetriedtoshowherthatshe’snotaburden,norwouldsheeverbe.ThatIcareabouther.Andnotoutof obligation,either Iwasn’tobligatedtosendhercarepackagesatherboardingschoolorgiveheranallowance Whenitcomes toZoe,I’veneverfeltobligated todoanything.She’smybestfriend’sdaughter,andIwanthertobehappy. Ialsowanthertobe safe andnotmakebaddecisions.
Thattranslatestomebeingstricterthanherparents,butI’mdoingthebestIcanwiththeresourcesIhave It’snotlikeI’m particularlygood atbeingherguardian.It’snotlikeitcomesnaturallytome,atleastwithher.
Beingtheoldestofmyfourbrothersgivesmeabitofexperiencewithtakingcareofothers,butIcan’tseemtogetitright withher.
Itdoesn’tstopmefromtrying,though
Zoedoesn’tmove,breathingheavilyastheraincausesherhairtosticktoherface,soIdon’tmove,either.Thestagesways infrontofme,andI’macutelyawareofthefactthatwe’resuddenlyalone,standinginthepouringrain.
Several moments pass as I tryto regroup, tryto organize mythoughts But the tequila and beers and pot brownie have muddledmybrainandcognitivethinking,soIblurtouttheonlythingIcanthinktosay.Theonlythingthatformsonthetipof mytongue Thetruththatkeepsmeupatnight,thatmakesmesickwiththeunknown TheonethingI’vebeentryingtotellherwithmyactionsforthreeyears.
“Ineedtotakecareofyou AndIneedyouto let me ” Shewrapsherarmsaroundherselfassheblinks.“Idon’tneedtobetakencareof.I’manadult ” “Barely!” Ishout, startlingher. Before this trip, I’d never raised myvoice withher. Inever yelled or scolded her. I’ve never had to before The image ofthatman’s hands onher ass, ofher tryingto pushhimaway, sends a new surge ofanger throughme.“Youseemto need myhelp,”Iadd,flickingmygazetothedancefloor. “God,you’resooverbearingsometimes”
“BecauseIhave tobe.BecauseIpromisedyourfatherthatIwouldwatchoutforyou.” Zoescoffsandlooksofftotheside.“He’sdead,Liam.Thatmakeseverypromiseyoumadedeadtoo.AndI’mtellingyou rightnowthatIdon’twant tobetheburdenyoucarry.”
Myexpressionslidesintoafrown.“You’renotaburden,Zoe.You’veneverbeenaburden.I’mnotsurehowmanytimesI
cansayit.”
“AndI’mnotsureIcanlet youtakecareofme,”shereplies,echoingmystatementfromearlierashereyesfindmine.“You can’tprotectmefromeverything,Liam”
“Ican protectyoufromcreepyolderguyswhogetalittletoohandsy.”
“Ihappentolikeoldermen,”sheinterjectswithadefiantsmile So.
Fucking Maddening.
Ican’talignmythoughtsinanycoherentway.Notafterthatconfession.Instead,theytumbledownandscatterintothewind, sendingsomethingpotenttosinkdeepdownintomycore Everythingishot,andIinstantlyknow thisconversationisheaded downaslipperyfuckingslope.
“I’meighteennow,”sheadds,crossingherarmsandwatchingmewithadefiant,littlesmile Shemustreallyfuckingenjoychallengingme.
I involuntarily take a step closer “Really, Zoe? You think my purview ends because you’ve been eighteen for a few months?YouthinkI’mgoingtostopcaringbecauseofadateonyourbirthcertificate?”
“No,I’mnotsayingthat.Ijustdon’tneedyouinterferinginsomethingthat’snotyourbusiness.”
“Everythingyoudoismybusiness,”Icounter “No,it’snot.I’vebeenonmyownforyears.”
“Yeah,atschool,”Isay,steppingcloser “I’mgoingtomakemyselfvery,veryclear Myculpabilityoveryoudidn’tendthe minute youbecame anadult. You’re livingwithme under my roof whenyoustart college next week. I payfor your health insuranceandyourcellphonebill.Ifeedyouandmakesureyou’reprovidedfor.”Zoeopensandcloseshermouth,butI’mnot done.“I’mnotyourfather,andIneverwantedtoreplacehim.ButifI’mnottheonelookingoutforyou,whowill?”
She physically shrivels as the hurt flashes over her expression. My words are a cruel reminder of her aloneness especiallymylastsentence andIknowit
Iimmediatelyregretthem.
Becauseshe’snotalone
She has me.
“Ineveraskedyoutodoanyofthosethings,Liam.”
“You didn’t.Butyourfatherdid.AndIwillhonorthatwishfortherestofmylife.”
She swallows, and Iwatchthe wayher throatbobs. Drops ofwater slide downher face, and fuck she’s so beautiful it almosthurtstolookdirectlyather
“IknowI’vemademistakesalongtheway.I’mlearningasIgo.Forgiveme,please,”Ifinish,myvoicebreakingslightly. Iblinkawaythe rainfrommyeyes, and before Iknow it, she’s snakingher arms around mywaistand pressingherself againstme.
Closingmyeyes, I rest mychinonthe top of her head, and everythinginside of me goes molten. I want to pull away, becauseIknowmybodyisnotreactingwithproprietyrightnow I’mtooinebriatedtothinkclearly IfIhadanysense,I’dpull away.ButIdon’t,andherwetbodyagainstminefractureseveryounceofself-controlIhave. Pullingawayfromme,hereyesfindmine And fuck me.
Theexpressiononherfacesendsmecompletelyoff-kilter
Myheartpounds hard inside ofmychest, and Zoe uses thatexactmomentto place her hand over it. She mustfeel how fuckinghardit’shammeringpressedagainstherbecausehereyeswidenslightly. Withoutthinking,Ibrushahandacrosshercheek,underhereyes,toswipeawaytheblackmascararunningdownherface Shestartstotremble fromthecoldorthewayI’mholdingher,I’mnotsure. Somehow,thevioletisstilltuckedneatlybehindherear,despitethepouringrain Anysecondnow,she’llsavemefrommyselfandstepaway.She’llsaythankyouorofferupsomethingabouthow we’re soakingwetnow
Butshedoesn’tdoeitherofthosethings. Instead,hergazeexploresmyface.
Thesuggestionofmore writtenalloverherfeaturesmakesmybreathhitch Herblownoutpupils.Thelowerlipbetweenherteeth.The apprehension. I’vebeenalivelongenoughtoknowwhatthatlookmeans,anditabsolutelycannot happenwithher Ever.
MyhandsshakeandflutterasIdropthem,andItakeastepback.IfIgo there withZoe,Iwon’tbeabletostop.Idon’ttrust myself andIdon’ttrustmythoughtsoractions,becauserightnow,hersmallbodypressedagainstminehasmycocksohard thatIcan’tthinkstraight.
There’stoomuchbetweenus.Ican’tidentifyit,butit’schargedandscaryandshe’s just barely legal.
Thisis wrong
Iclearmythroat “Thiscan’thappen We’vehadalottodrink,”Isay,choosingmywordswisely “We’renotinourright minds.”
“Areyouworriedyou’regoingtocorruptme,Liam?”sheasks,pullingherlowerlipbetweenherteethandtakingastep closer. Fuck, fuck, fuck.
“Zoe,thisis fuck,”Isay,resigned Somethingheavysettlesinmystomachatthepossibilityofhavingher Ofgivingin Oflettinggo,withoutacareintheworldaboutwhosheistome.
This is so fucking wrong
“Soyouweren’t jealousearlierwhenIwasdancingwiththatguy?”
Idon’tanswer.Idon’ttrustmyself.Instead,Ifocusonmypulserushingthroughme,thethunderingwhooshingsoundinmy earsgivingmeauditorytunnelvision
“I’maconsentingadult,Liam,”shewhispers,placingherhandonmychestagain. Herwordsandthepossibilitiestheyconveycauseeverythinginsideofmeto burn inawayI’veneverexperienced ButI don’tmove awayfromher. Instead, Ilether touchme. Mywhole bodyshudders under her hand, and a thousand spirals of ecstasyshootstraighttomycock.WhateverstrainofweedIingestedismakingmewanttofucklikeananimal.I’vebeenhigh before,butit’sneverfeltlikethis
“Whatthefuckwasinthosebrownies?”Iask,myvoicehoarse.
Shestepscloser,pressingherbodyagainstmine “Terpene,limonene,andindica,”shemurmurs,snakingahanduptomy neck.
“Whatdoesthatmean?”Iwhisper.
“It’sgoodforthelibido.Relaxation.Andincreasedsensation,”sheanswers. “Zoe,” Ibreathe, closingmyeyes. Mycockis sohard ithurts, and everythinginside ofme is throbbing. IfIwere inmy rightmind,Imightbeabletothrottlethedizzying,electriccurrentracingthroughme
ButI’mnotinmyrightmind.
Ican’tmovebecauseitallfeels too fucking good “Youknow,Iseethewayyouwatchmesometimes.”
Confusionmars myfeatures assheloops her other armaroundmyneck,andanother shiver works downmyspine,going straightfrommyspinetomycock. What the hell is happening?
Everysecondthatpassesgetsmoreandmoresurreal,andbetweentherain,theemptystage,andZoe’shandsonme…
ShecontinuesbeforeIcanmove “AtbreakfastwhenI’mmakinguscoffee Atnight,whenwe’rewatchingmovies You’re notassubtleasyouthinkyouare.”
Itsuddenlyfeelslikesomeonehaspouredcoldwateroverme Despitethewarmnight,myskinpebblesassherunsafinger alongthestubbleonmyneck.Mystomachclencheswithdreadatwhatshe’simplyingand…somethingelse.Somethingangry androilingand repressed.Somethingsofuckingpowerfulitscaresthefuckoutofme. Iballmyfistsandbreathethroughmynose She’sright.
AndI’mfuckingsick overit
Ican’tdenythatshe’sbeautifulandalluring.Ican’tdenythatIenjoyspendingtimewithher.Ialsocan’tdenythewaymy eyesmayhavewandered,and fuck itmakesmefeellikeafuckingcreep Thatfeelingoverpowerseverything thatfeelingofwrongness. Sheneedstoknowthatsomethinglikethiscannever happenbetweenus…nomatterhowmuchImightwantit. Ihuffinexasperationandtakeastepawayfromher “Thisiswrong,”Igritout Inthetensesecondsthattickby,theonlysoundIhearisthespatteringofrainagainstthefloor,andtherushingsoundofmy pulseinmyeardrums Afewpeoplemaketheirwaybackontothedancefloor,andZoegrabsmyhandsandleadsmearound thebackoftherestaurant.Therainhasslowednow,andtheskyismostlydark,thoughIcanseeherfaceclearly. Isigh “Listen,Zoe You’redrunkandconfused Itmakessensethatyou’dlatchontotheonlyconsistentthinginyourlife” Shelaughsandcoversherfacewithherhands.“God,you’resocondescending.You’retreatingmelikea child!” “You’reeighteen!Andyousomehowseemtothinkthatyou’reenlightenedenoughtoflirtwithme?Itdoesn’tworklikethat, Zoe ImadealotofstupiddecisionswhenIwaseighteen Ididn’tknowwhatthe fuck Iwasdoing Andneitherdoyou Stop Fucking.Tempting.Me ”
Sherushesforward,andbeforeIcanreactor think, herlipsareonmine I’mpowerlesstostop,powerlesstoresist My handsfindherwaist,andIgroanasmyhandsgripherfleshandshepressesherselfagainstme.Ilether,holdingontoherfor dearlifeasmythumbspressintoher,becausewhateverthefuckishappeningisgoingtopullmeunderherspellcompletely. And fuck, herlipsonminesendshockwaveaftershockwavetomytoo-hardcock.Instinctively,Ipullawayfromhermouthas webothpant.
“IknowexactlywhatI’mdoing,”shesays,breathless,beforepressingherlipsagainstmineagainandwrappingherarms aroundmyneck.
Everypoundingbeatofmyheartpullsmefurtherandfurtherundertheblanketofintoxication,andevenifIwantedtostop, I’mnotsureIcould.Mysensesareheightened,andeverythingelsefadesawayasourmouthsmoveagainsteachother,asIcurl myfingersaroundthefabricofherdress,asalowrumbleescapesmythroat It’scarnalandheady and wrong Buteverything ishazynow,andIcan’treconcilehowsomethingthatfeelssogoodcouldpossiblybeso,sowrong.
Everybrushofherfingersonmyneckmakesmegroan
Everytinygaspthatleaveshermouthhasmegrindingheragainstmycocktogetfriction.
Everymovement and sound and touchis intensified, and thenmyrational mind drops away. It’s too easyto ignore the warningbells Tooeasytolistentowhatmybodywants
“Inside,”Icommand,myhandsskimmingtoherassandsqueezing.
She pulls awayand gives me a playful smirkbefore twistingaround and openingwhat appears to be a spare office or storageroom.Ifollow herinsideonshakylegs,andifIweresober,itwouldbethepointwhereIrealizehow terribleofan ideathisis IfIwereabetterperson,perhapsI’dhavemorecontrolovermyimpulses
“Fuckit,”Imutter,pullingherintome.
Icandeal withthe consequences, the regret, and the implications ofmydecisions tomorrow. Rightnow, all Icanthink aboutissinkingintoherandfuckinghersenseless
Ourteethclicktogetherpainfullyduetothelackoflight,andasmyeyesadjust,webothpullawayslightly.
“Sorry,”shesaysquietly “You’redrunkandhigh,andIdon’twantto ” “Shutup,”Igrowl,pullinghertomeagain.
She whimpers whenIlifther up and press her againstthe wall, hikingher dress up withone hand and runningthe other over theglobeofher ass.Stumblingslightly,ZoegigglesasIreachunderneaththehemofher dress,grippingher underwear androughlytuggingthemawayfromherbody.Arippingsoundfillsthesmallroom,andhermouthdropsopen.
“Didyoujusttearmyunderwearoff?”
“Bequiet,”Imurmur,somethingdarkandunsettlingwashingoverme.Mymindisscreamingtohaltwhatwe’redoing,butI can’tseemtostoptouchingher
Thatfucking brownie.
“Liam,”shewhimpers.Thesoundofhernameonmylips,doingthis,is…unimaginable.
Igostill,mythumbstoppingjustshortofherclit.Icanfeelhowwetsheis…howmuchshewantsthis.IfIweresober,I’d relishineverything.Butrightnow,allIneedistobeinsideofher.MymindisbothawildmessofreasonswhyIshouldn’tdo thiswhilesimultaneouslybeingeerilyquiet
“Ineedyou,”sheadds,soundingdesperate.
Idon’tunderstandwhy,andIcan’tpinpointexactlywhatthosewordsmakemefeel IjustknowthatIwanthertosurrendertome.
“Youdrivemecrazy,”Iwhisperintohermouth.“Absolutelyfuckingcrazy,”Igrowl,liningherdrippingcuntupwithmy cock “Birthcontrol?”Iask,theideaofconsequencesofmyactionssofuckingfaroff ButIknowIneedtoaskthisonething There’satleastoneresponsiblebraincellstillleftinsidemyhead.
“Yes,”shebreathes
Idon’thesitate.Ipushintoher,andshe’sso goddamn tight…
Squeezingmyeyesshut,IbreathethroughmynosesoIdon’texplodeearly Vaguely,Iregisterthatshefeels different It’s tootight,andherfaceisscrunchedupinpain.Throughthehaze,myeyessnapopenasIglaredownather. Is she…?
“Areyoufuckingkiddingme?”Inearlyscream,startingtopullout Zoe’s hands come to my hips, stopping me. “Please. No, I’mnot. I’mnot,” she rushes out in a heavy sigh. “I’mnot a virgin”
Reliefwashesoverme,andItakeasteadyingbreathasherwarmheatwrapsaroundmyachingcock.
“Keepgoing,”shebegs,anedgeofvulnerabilitytohervoice I’mtoofargonetocontemplateit,thoughIknowIshouldn’tbeenjoyingthisasmuchasIam.Beinginsideofheristhebest thingI’veeverfelt.I’mdistractedandselfish,andallIcanthinkaboutiswatchinghercomeundone. Fuck the repercussions. I pullalmostallthewayoutslowly,andwhenIdriveintoher,shereleasesadeepmoanthathasmeonthevergeofexploding insideofher.Myhandskimsherthighasmythumbsettlesoverherclit,andthenIgroanwhensheclenchesaroundme.
“Yes,”shewhispers,movingherhips just enough todrawmyballsupandreadytoempty “Fuck,Zoe,”Isay,myvoicehoarse.“I’mnotgoingtolast.”
“Ithoughtyouweredrunk,”shewhispers,hernailsdiggingintothebackofmyneck.
Mywholebodyconvulseswitheveryoneofhermovements.“Youfeeltoofuckinggood.”
Istopmovingasmythumbcircleshertightbud,andIusetheopportunitytobenddownandusemytonguetosuckagainst
thepulsepointonherneck.
“Liam,”shewhispers,scratchingmeasshethrowsherheadback.“Fuck.”
Hercuntpulsesonce,andIknowshe’sclose Workingmythumbquicker,Ikeepmycockstillinsideofher,notwantingthis toendtooearly.
This is so fucked up
“Comeforme,Zoe.”
“Sayplease,Liam”
Forthesecondtime,hervexationanddownrightaudacityrilemeup.I’mtornbetweenstoppingeverythingjusttospiteher brattyself,ortomakehercomesohardthatshe’sruinedforothermenforever.
Idecideonthelatter
“Please?” Imurmur,pinchingher clit.“Idon’tthinkso.As a matter offact,Ithinkyou’ll be the one saying please after we’rethrough”
Icanmakeouthereyeswideninginsurpriseatmyheavy-handedtonebeforesheexplodes,pantingandclenchingaround mycockwithsuchforcethatI’mworriedshe’sgoingtopushmeout Herlegssqueezemyhipsashereyesrollbackandher mouthdropsopen.
Yes. Fuck yes.
Idon’tstop Ihaveapurposenow,andthat’stomakehercomeagain Pullingout,Ilowerhertothegroundonshakylegs.
“Butyou ” “Don’tworryaboutme,”Igritout.
It’sprobablytheleastselfishthingI’vedoneandsaidallnight.
Theroomsmellslikesweatandsexandeverythinggood,andwhenmyeyesbrieflywanderovertothewindows,Irealize we’vefoggedthemup.
Keepingherdressruckedup,Idroptomykneesandpullherhipstomyface Sheletsoutabreathygasp “Liam,I’msensitive ”
Idon’tlisten Instead,Ihikeonelegover myshoulder,usemyhands as grips onthefleshofher hips,andbringher wet pussytomymouth.
OneswipeofmytongueandIknowI’llnevertastesomethingthissweeteveragain.Shetasteslikesinandbaddecisions, andIloveeveryfuckingthingaboutit.
“Fuck,”Igrumbleagainsthercurls,lickingandsucking,notingthemetallictastebrieflybeforeIgetdistracted.Sheshakes everytimeIgetnearhercunt “Youtastesofuckinggood,littlerebel” Hernicknameslipsoutandherlegstense. Ihaven’tcalledherthatsinceshewasakid Withoutgivinghertimetorethinkanyofthis,Ipullherclitbetweenmylipsandsuck. Hard.
Shecriesoutasherhandscometomyhair,grippingittightly Iinsertonefinger,andeventhat’stight Howthefuckwasmy cockinsideofher?HowthefuckdidIfit?Icurlmyfingerandsheshakesharder,herlegtremblingonmyshoulder.
“Ohgod,”shewhimpers,herhandsfistingmyhairforpurchase Ilickand taste her until she’s mutteringexpletives, until her pussysqueezes myfinger, until she pulses around it. Ikeep goingwhenshecriesoutagain,mytunnelvisionnarrowinguntilallIwanttodoisruinherwithpleasure
Thetrip,thedefiance,the maddening attitude…Iwanttoripitall awayandexposeher until she’samessonmytongue, untilsheknowswhothefuckIamtoher.
“That’smygoodgirl,”Ipurr “Thisiswhereyoubelong Withmymouthonyourcuntandyourtasteonmytongue” Shecomesagain,thistimesobbingasherbodysqueezesmeandhertoescurl.ShepullsmyhairsohardIthinkshe’sgoing toripitfromtheroot,butthenshesagsagainstthewall,easinguponherhold Iremovemyhandandherleg,standinginfrontofherasshewatchesmewithhoodedeyes.
“Thatwasincredible ”shesays,thenmumbleswhatsoundslikenonsense Hereyesareheavy,andasimilarheaviness settlesoverme,despitemycockbeggingforrelease.
Withoutthinking,Ipullherdressdownandtakeherhand,leadingheroutoftheroom.It’sstillrainingwhenwegetbackto therestaurant,buteveryoneisgoneandpresumablybackintheirrooms Afterwedrunkenlystumbleupthestairs,IpullZoe intomyroom,andshewalksstraighttomybedbeforecollapsingontopofit,shoesforgottensomewhereonthedancefloor. MyheadacheswhenIwakeup,butI’vehadworsehangovers.There’sanunfamiliardragtomymovementsasIsitup,myeyes adjustingtothebrightsuite
Aflashofdarkhaircatchesmyeye,andnexttoit apurpleflower. Regretfillsme,andIjumpoutofbedasIstaredownatmybestfriend’sdaughter.Sherollsoverontoherback,andwhen hereyesfindmine,they’reneutralandassessing Likeshe’swaitingtoseewhatI’mgoingtosay.
Panicfillsme Pure,unadulteratedanxietyrunsthroughmyveins,andIrubmyfacewithmyhandasbitsoflastnightflash throughmymind.
Therain Thearguing.
Thekiss.
Andthen
Irunmyhandthroughmyhair,nearlywincingathow soremyscalpisfromherpullingmyhairwhilesheclimaxed.Zoe sitsupslightly,proppingherselfuponherelbows Glaringather,Itakeanotherstepback. No
No.
“This never fuckinghappened.” Swallowing,shenodsonce “Itneverhappened,”sherepeats
Present,OneYearLater
ItapmydarkrednailsagainsttheFormicadesk,ignoringthetinychipsonacoupleofthem.Imakeamentalnotetogetthem donelatertoday Doingmynailsislowonmyprioritylist,especiallysinceI’mapparentlypsychoticenoughtodoubleupon classesthissemester.I’msureI’mtheonlystudenthere asking forabiggerworkload.Still,they’reoneofthethingsthatmakes mefeelnormal
Likearegularcollegestudent.
“Okay, I think we can squeeze you into another class Tuesday and Thursday mornings,” Lena, my academic advisor, murmursassheclicksawayonhercomputer.“That’sreallyyouronlyfreeperiod.There’sonlyonespotleft,andI’mnotsure howyoufeelaboutanEnglishmajorclass.”
“That’sfine,”Isayquickly,perkingupatthethoughtoftakingaclassthatmightactuallybeinteresting “Today’sTuesday, soIcanheadthereafterthisandlettheprofessorknow.”
Lenasighsandsitsbackinherchair,givingmealookIknowalltoowell Sympathy Pity Worry She’solder Forties,I think, and she’s one of those people who actually enjoys her job as a college advisor at Crestwood University. I can tell becauseherfacelightsupanytimesheseesastudentoncampus,andsheseemstoreally care aboutherstudents’well-being. Forme,thatmeansalotofgood-naturedadviceandrecommendationstorestlikeanormalnineteen-year-old.WhichiswhyI knowI’mabouttobelectured.
“Youknow,itcanbeoverwhelmingtotaketwenty-onecreditsinonesemester,”shemurmurs,archingaperfectlysculpted brow.
“Actually,”Icounter,leaningforward “I’monanacceleratedtracksoit’sperfectlynormalto ” “Areyoueating?Sleeping?Having… fun?”sheasks,asifthewordisforeigntome. Ihuffalaugh.“Trustme,I’mhaving too much fun,”Imuse,thinkingofScotty’sgigandtheall-nighterIpulledthreenights agobecauseofit.“Butmyhighschoolwasn’tnormal.Ilearnedbalancealongtimeago.Workhard,playharder.” Lenalaughs.“Ofcourse.Iforgot.ValedictorianofThatcherPrep.Thisisprobablyapieceofcakecomparedtothat.”
Igrinastheprinterspitsoutmynewschedule “Exactly”
Lenahandsthesinglesheettome.“Nomoreclassesthissemester,”shewarns.“Ithinkyourscheduleisfullenough,Zoe. That English class is usually reserved for those who have the prerequisites, which you do, of course You’ll have to get permissionfromtheprofessorsinceyou’reasophomoreandmostofthestudentsareseniors.”
“Notaproblem.”
Shestandsandushersmeout “Youhavetwentyminutes Gogetsomethingtoeat,oryouknow,gositaroundatTheCave andstareatawalllikeanormalcollegestudent.”
Itaketheschedulefromherandblowherakiss “Thanks,Lena You’rethebest” “I’llseeyouinJanuarywhenyouinevitablydecidetooneupyourself.”
Laughing,Iglancedownattheschedulebeforestandingup “Lookingforwardto ”Istoptalking,andthesmiledripsoff myface.“Oh,no.”Ihandtheschedulebacktoherasifthepaperiscursed.“I’msosorry,butIcan’ttakethatEnglishclass.”
Lena’sperfectbrowsfurrow.“Oh.Howcome?I’veheardwonderfulthingsaboutProfessorRavage.”
Iwince “Yeah,well he’ssortofmy ”
Lena’sbrowsshootupandsheinterruptsmebeforeIcangathermythoughts.“Boyfriend?”shewhispers. “God, no It’s complicated, but he was my guardian And I still live with him” Lena’s eyes widen, and I know she’s waitingfor me toelaborate,soIdo.“Myparents diedwhenIwas fifteen,andhe was mydad’s bestfriend.He became my legalguardianuntilIturnedeighteenlastyear”Lenaisstillstunnedspeechless,soIshrugcasually “Anyway,sinceIstilllive withhim,itmightbeaconflictofinterest?”
Thoughliving with him wasamajoroverstatement.Iwasn’thomeenoughtointeractwithhimthatmuch,insteadchoosing tospendtimewithScotty,withfriendsatoneoftheeventsIorganizedintown,shopping,orcrammingforatest.Despitethat, weinteractedafewtimesaweek,bothoncampusandathome Wearen’t friends,perse,butoverthelastyearwe’dsettled intoacomfortableroutine.We’re cordial. Which,afterwhathappenedonhisbirthdaytripinCatalina…
WhenmyeyesflickbacktoLena,she’sseatedagainandclickingawayathercomputer “Hmm…there’sayogaclassthatstartsatseveninthemorning?Youhaven’tfulfilledthephysicalactivityportionofyour creditsyet,sothatcouldwork?”
Yoga?Atseveninthemorning?I’manightowl,sothatwouldbelikepullingteeth. “Isthereanythingelse?”Iaskhopefully.
“Youhaven’tfulfilled your earthsciences prerequisite Youcould take astronomy, butthe class meets atnine atnightto observethenightsky,andsinceit’sthreehours…”
Igroanandplacemyfaceinmyhands “Is thereaclass atanyofthenormal hours thatdoesn’talreadyconflictwithmy currentschedule?”
Lena’slipsflattenashereyesscanhercomputer “I’msorry,buttheEnglishclassistheonlyoneavailableduringyourfree window.”
IbitetheinsideofmycheekasIdeliberate.Theproblemis,IcanonlygraduateattheendofnextyearifIhavemydegree audit completed I’monanaccelerated programto attend UCLA’s Law School intwo years, and I’mscheduled to take my LSAT’s nextmonth. Iknow exactlyhow manycredits Ineed to take eachsemester. I’d hoped to getawaywitheighteenthis semester,butwhenIsatdownandcrunchedsomenumberslastnightafter thefirstdayofclasses,Irealizedtheonlywayto stayaheadwouldbetoaddanotherclass.
HencewhyI’dcometoLena’sofficeinapanic.
The problemwas thatI’dcome intocollege withenoughprerequisites toskipmostofthe requiredclasses,as well as a year’sworthofunits.ButbecauseCrestwoodrequiredacertainnumberofunitstakenattheiruniversitytograduate,Ineedas manyfillerunitsasIcanget
Lena’sclickingkeyboardstirsmefrommystupor.“Icheckedtheemployeehandbook,andaslongashedoesn’tgradeyour work,there’snothingthatsayslivingwithyourprofessorisaconflictofinterest,”Lenasaysmatter-of-factly “Youwouldn’t bebreakinganyrulesbytakingProfessorRavage’sclass.”
Fuck
Theoddsarestackedagainstme.
Itmakes the mostsense to take Liam’s class because the hours for the two other classes available would onlymake my weeksharderandlonger
Andagain…itwouldbenicetotakeaclass for me insteadofwhatwillgetmeintothebestlawschool. “Fine,”Isigh,takingmyschedulebackandstanding “IbettergetgoingsoIcanwarnhim” Lenagivesmeareassuringsmile.“SeeyouinJanuary,Ms.Arma.”
IgrumbleoutagoodbyeandadjustmyleatherbackpackasIwalkthroughcampus.
CrestwoodUniversityisasmall,privateuniversitysetinthesuburbsofCrestwood,California asmall,beachsidetown smackdabinthemiddleofLosAngelesandOrangecounty.Igrew upinCrestwood,butwhenmyparentsdied,I’dbecome attachedtomyNorthernCaliforniaboardingschool ThoughImissedthatarea,Crestwoodwouldalwaysbehome
LenamentionedthatLiamwouldhavetofindsomeoneelsetogrademywork,whichisfine.Itmakesmethinkofthefact thathe insisted Ilivewithhimforthedurationofmyundergrad,andasIpassthestudentdormsonmywaytoclass,itmakes mewonderwhatmylifewouldlooklikeifIlivedoncampusinstead.MyAuntCarolinaalsoofferedherguesthousetome,but shelivesinMalibu,andit’stoomuchofacommute.
It’s definitelyeasier livingwithLiam, especiallysince he sometimes drives me to campus I’ve come to appreciate the home-cooked meals, the messykitchentable, and the overall comfortableness oflivingwithmyfather’s bestfriend. WhenI movedinlastJuneaftergraduatinghighschool,Liamhadrenegedonhis“nointernetinthehouse”rule I’mnotsurehowhesurvivedwithoutitforsolong.
Hestillrefusestouseacomputertowrite,preferringold-schoollegalpadsandatypewriter
Plus,CrestwoodUniversityhasalimitednumberofdormitories,andwinningthelotterytoliveinonewas almost ashard astheactuallottery.
IwalktoTheCaféandgrabacaramellatteandacookieonthewaytoLiam’sclass AsIheadtowardthebuildingwhere theclassisheld,IrealizeI’mnotsurewhattheclassiscalled.Pullingthesheetofpaperwithmyscheduleoutofthepocketof myjeans,Iglancedownattheinformationonthepertinentcolumn
Ihavetocontainmysmirk. Eco-Poetry? Liamhadfoundaknackforcombininghistwofavoritethings:beingoutdoorsand writing
Poetry might be fun, too,Ithink.Ihavealwayswantedtotakeawritingclass. IcrossthequadandentertheSierrabuilding BecauseCrestwoodUniversityisoverahundredyearsold,thebuildingis gorgeous.It’sredbrickandretrofitted,ofcourse,toaccountforearthquakes.It’saquaintcampus,andI’vebeenenjoyingmy time here Checkingthe time onmywatch, Irealize Ionlyhave a minute before the class starts As Iquickenmypace, my stomachflutterswithnerves.
Fortunatelyforme,LiamneverbroughtupthatnightinCatalina,andneitherhadI.Truthbetold,I’mnotsureeitherofus rememberedwhatexactlyhappenedexceptforbitsandpieces Certainthingsstandout,but Weweredrunkandhigh.
Itwasamistake
It never happened.
Pushingtheauditoriumdooropen,myeyesflicktothefrontoftheclass.It’sempty.Whichmeansheisn’thereyet. Whichalso meansImightbeabletohideoutinthebackoftheclassfortoday atleast.
Sneakinginquickly, Ihone inonthe single emptyseatinthe second to lastrow. Before Icanmake mywayup there, a womanswoopsinandclaimsit Twistingaround,myeyesscantheseatsfrantically
Theonlyavailableseatleftisaseatrightinthefrontrow.
Fuck
Iquicklysitdownandslouchintothechair.MaybeLiamwon’tnoticethatI’mhere.Therehastobenearlyfiftypeoplein this class; the chances of himseeing me are slim, right? I sip my latte and nervously eat my cookie. My stomach growls audibly,andIgrimacewhenIthinkofthefactthatIforgottoeatbreakfastagain.I’mlookingdownanddustingthecrumbsoff mywhiteT-shirtwhentheclassgoesquiet.IsnapmyeyesuponlytoseeLiamsaunteringintoclass.
He’swearingawhiteoxfordshirtrolleduptohiselbowsanddarkgrey,fittedslacks Insteadofdressshoes,he’swearing brown,lace-upboots,andinsteadofatie,hiscollarislooseandunbuttoned.
“Well,helloprofessorRavage,”thewomannexttomepurrs
WhenIlookoverather,she’sbitingherpenseductively.Somethingpossessiveflashesthroughmeatherwords,andthenI gobacktooglingthemanI’veknownmywholelife.
BecauseI’mdefinitelyogling There’snootherwordforwhatI’mdoing HowcouldInot?EspeciallywhenIknowwhathe’slikewhenhe’sturnedon?
Isquirminmyseatandpushthethoughtsaway,likealways Ihavetopushthemaway It’ssomethingI’vegottengoodat overthelastyear.Hedrewalinethatnight,andIrespectedhisboundariesenoughtokeepmythoughtstomyself.
Though,I’veneverseenhiminanacademicsetting Neverseentheconfidentpresencehesoeasilyexudestotheclass,or thesenseofpurposeandguidance.
It’sannoyinglyhot,andIfindmyselfthinkingofanythingandeverythingexceptthatnight. Itworks
Foraminute,atleast.
Bythetimehegetssettled,myeyesarewanderingoverhimunabashedly
Hisforearmsaretannedandmuscled,cordedwithveinsfromchoppingwoodandfixinguphisoldcars.He’salmostnever clean-shaven,usuallyoptingtohaveafewdays’worthofscruffresidingalonghisjaw Hishairisstraightandlongerontop, usuallysweptbackslightly. It’s peppered withgrey, as is his beard, butthey’re hardlynoticeable inthis light. Ionlyknow because I’maroundhimall the time.His eyes are usuallysoft,makinghimseemapproachable.ButI’ve seenthemhardand sharpwithangerbefore Hisnoseisaquiline-shaped–slightlycurvedandsharp,givinghimaregal,noblelook He’swearing hisusualblack,roundglasses,too,whichonlyenhancesthe sexy professor look.
“He’sgivingoffmajorBDE,”thegirlsittingonmyothersidemumbles Mycheeksburn.
Fuck, Zoe I’m not going to last You feel too fucking good
ItakeeverymemoryofthatnightandplaceitintheboxIkeeplockedupunlessI’maloneatnightinbed.Mostofthetime, IwishIcouldlockuphisentireexistence.
Buthewasmyfather’sbestfriend
Hecametomybirthdayparties,andIcan’tremembermylifewithouthim,becausehe’sbeentherefromdayone. It never happened
Evenso,mystomachflipswhenhishairfallsinfrontofhisforehead,ashelooksdownathisdesk,hislargehandsplayed overwhatIassumeistheclasslist.
And god, what that hand is capable of…
Crossingmylegs, Iwatchas Liamturns around and writes his name onthe whiteboard, and a murmur goes throughthe class.
Iknow exactly whatthey’rethinking,too
Hisassinthosepantsisonperfectdisplay.Andbecausehisshirtisfitted,hiswidebackmusclesrippleandcontractwith eachmovementofhishandonthewhiteboard
I’vealwaysknownLiamisattractive.IthoughtsowhenIwasateenager,blushinganytimehewasaround.IthoughtsoasI gotolder and started to discover mysexuality Growingup withinthe walls ofa boardingschool didn’texactlymake me a virginalsaint–I’dhadmyfairshareofboyfriendsandencounters.IknowwhatIlikeandhowIlikeit.Whenmyparentsdied andLiambecamemyguardian,IlockedmyschoolgirlcrushawaysotightthatIcouldn’tfindthekeyifIwantedto.
Butthen,inCatalina,thecagebroke,andIfeltmyselfdrawntohimlikeI’dneverbeendrawntoanyonebefore Wanting him.
Needing hisattention
MaybeIstilldo,butI’vegottenbetteraboutfindingthatoutletelsewheresincethatnight.
He’sprotectiveyetfunnywhenhewantstobe Mywellbeingwas is hisfirstpriority,andhemadethatveryclear on thattriptoCatalina.
Whichonlyenhancedmyfeelings.
“Welcome to Eco-Poetry: Nature and Environmental Themes in Verse,” he says slowly, his low voice reverberating throughthe auditoriumas his hand flies over the whiteboard. “Inthis class, we will embarkona poetic journeythroughthe natural world and the pressing issues that surround it My name is Liam Ravage, and I have the privilege of being your professorforthenextthreeandahalfmonths.”
Hestopswritingontheboardandfacesus.Myeyesglideoverthewordsontheboard.
Emotion, thought, action
Eachwordisunderlined,butaction isunderlinedtwice.
“Ina world where our connectionto nature is more critical thanever, the power of poetryto evoke emotion, provoke thought,andinspireactionisbecomingincreasinglyimportant,”hestarts,pointingtotheboard.“Thisclassrepresentsaunique intersection of two profound disciplines: poetry and environmental consciousness Over the next several weeks, we will explore how poets from different eras, cultures, and backgrounds have engaged with the natural world and addressed environmentalconcernsthroughthebeautyandeloquenceofverse.”
Herubshismouthwithhishandashiseyesscantheroom.
Don’t see me, don’t see me, don’t see me…
Hiseyesslowlyscaneachofourfaces “Wewillconsiderthewaysinwhichpoetshavecelebratedthemajestyofnature, grappledwiththeconsequencesof ”
My heart stops, and Liam’s body jolts slightly when his eyes land on mine Shock, confusion, and maybe a tiny bit of amusementplaysacrosshisfeatures.
Heclearshisthroatandlooksdown,completelydistractedbutrefusingtolosehiscomposure.
Excepthedoes Heshufflesthroughhispapers,findingtheonehewaslookingfor,beforeclearinghisthroatagain
“As I was saying, we will consider the ways in which poets have celebrated the majesty of nature, grappled with the consequencesofhumanactions,andimaginedsustainablefutures”Hiseyesflicktomine,andthehintofamusementonhislips isgone,replacedwithasmallfrown.
Andhiseyes?
They’redarkandstormy.
“Our journey will take us through the works of renowned poets such as Wordsworth, Whitman, Dickinson, and contemporaryvoices like MaryOliver, Wendell Berry, and JoyHarjo We’ll also explore lesser-knownpoets whose voices havebeeninstrumentalinshapingtheeco-poetrymovement.”
Hesetsthepaperdownandwalkstothefrontofhisdesk,leaningagainstitwithhisarmscrossed
“Butthisclassisnotsolelyaboutacademicanalysis.It’salsoaplatformforyourcreativityandyourvoice.Youwillhave theopportunitytoexpressyourthoughts,observations,andemotionsthroughyourowneco-poetry,connectingwiththenatural worldinaprofoundandpersonalway.Whichiswhyyourfirstlessontodayisnotgoingtobeinthisclassroom.”
Anothermurmurworksthroughtheroom,andmyeyeshaven’tleftLiam’s,despitehisrefusaltolookinmydirection.
“Inaminute,I’mgoingtoendclassoveranhourearly,butthat’snotanexcusetofuckoff,”hewarns,hisvoicelow and threatening. Afew people laughat his use ofprofanity, but myspine straightens slightly, as ifhe’s givingme the command directly
Thatcageoffeelings?Yeah,it’sgoingabithaywirerightnow.
“Go sit on the grass. It’s a beautiful September day. Go for a walk in one of the nearby parks. Sit in nature for thirty minutes,andthenwriteapoem.Anyformat,anywordcount.Writedownwhateveritmakesyoufeel.”Afewhandsgoup,but Liamdismissesthem “Thereisnowrongwaytodothis I’mnotgoingtocheckor readthem It’sfor you Tostartfostering thatrelationshipwithnatureandpoetry.Ifyoustillhavequestions,talktomeonThursdaymorning.Untilthen,enjoytherestof yourday”
Athisdismissal,everyonestandsup,andI’mleftgrapplingwithmixedfeelings.
Forone,Ididn’texpecthimtosendeveryoneoffwithinthefirstfiveminutes Second,shouldIfolloweveryoneout,ortalk tohim?IfIdon’ttalktohimnow,he’sgoingto “Ms.Arma?Aword,please.”
Well, that settles things
Istandupandgrabmystill-hotcoffee,slingingmybackpackoveroneshoulderasImakemywaytothefrontoftheclass. Idon’tthinkhe’severcalledmeMs Armabefore,butIsupposehecan’texactlycallmeZoeinfrontofotherstudents
ThecloserIget,themoremyheartpounds.Liamislookingdownatthepaperinhishands,andIstopwalkingwhenI’ma coupleoffeetawaysothattherestofthestudentshavetimetofilteroutofearshot
Whenhelooksupatme,thelookofamusementisbackonhisface,andIbreatheasighofreliefasItakeinthewayhis eyesarewatchingmemischievouslybehindhisglasses.
Hedoesn’tspeakuntilthelaststudentwalksout,andthenhecockshisheadslightly,asifhe’swaitingformetoexplain Iopenmymouthtotellhimaboutthenecessaryextraunitsandhowhisclasswastheonlyoneatanoptimaltime,butmy brainshortsout
It’susuallyeasyformetothinkupawittyremark,butLiamistheonlyonewho’sabletorendermespeechless. “Hi,”Isay,myvoiceunsure.
“Hi?”hereplies.Hislipstwitchashewatchesme,rubbinghismouthwithhishandandleaningbackagainsthisdeskallin onemotion.HemustrealizeI’mnottheonewhoisgoingtoinitiatethisconversation,becausehesighsashiseyesfindmine again “Whyare youhere, Zoe? Do youneed something, or did youwantto torture me?” Iswallow backmyretort Torture him? I’mabouttoaskhimtoelaborate,buthepointstothepieceofpaperhewaslookingatearlier.“Yournameisn’tonhere, soyoucouldn’tpossiblybetakingmyclass,”headds,almostlikehe’sreassuringhimself
“Iam,actually.I’mnotonthelistbecauseIonlyenrolledafewminutesbeforetheclassstarted.”
Whenmyeyesflickuptohisface,Iseehisjawtickslightlyasheletsoutalongsigh.
“Andwhen,exactly,wereyouplanningondoingtheclassworkrequiredforthisclassbetweenyour six otherclasses?”he asks.“Thisisn’tsomefunelectiveyoucantakeforextracredit.”
“I’mplanningontakingitveryseriously”
“Trustme,Iknowyouare.I’msureyou’llwalkoutofthisclasswithanA,andthat’swith someone else gradingyou,due totheegregiousconflictofinterest”
“Thenwhat’stheproblem?”Icounter,hoistingmyheavybackpackhigher.
Liamnotices,andhiseyestrackovermyfacebeforequicklyscanningtherestofme.Today,I’mwearingawhiteteewitha plaidskirt,suspenders,andplatformloafers Despitetheblacklingerieunderneath,I’mcoveredup Butsometimes,whenhelooksatme,it’slikehecanseeexactlywhatI’mwearingunderneathmyclothes.
Likehe’smentallystrippedmeandhe’senjoyingtheview
“Theproblemisyouhardlyhaveenoughtimetoeat,letalonetackonanotherclass.Ihardlysawyouthissummerbecause youwere cooped up inyour bedroomstudyingfor your LSAT’s, and whenyouweren’t, youwere off partyingor out with friends.”
“So?”Icounter,grindingmyjaw.“It’scalledbalance,Liam.Plus,thesoonerIgetintolawschool,thesoonerIcanfinish andbecomealawyer There’snothingwrongwithworkinghardandhavingfunatthesametime” Liam’sjawtightens,andheglaresatmewithfrustration.“You’regoingtoburnoutsoon.Thisclassaloneisalotofwork.” “Icanhandleit”Istandupstraighter “Ihavetogo I’llseeyouathomelater”
AfterItwistaroundandtakeafewsteps,hecallsoutafterme.“Haveyouatleasteaten?” Istopwalkingandholdupmycoffee “IhadacookiebeforeclassandnowIhavemycoffee,”Itellhimovermyshoulder He’sglaringatme. If looks could kill… “Stop.”
Ihalt,hiscommandwashingoverme Turningaround,Iwatchashewalksovertomeandhandsmeatwenty-dollarbill Ourfingersbrushforasecond,butit’senoughformetorememberhowroughtheyfeltinside ofme. I’msofucked
“Gobuyyourselflunchandgivemethereceiptafter.”
I look down at the money with furrowed brows. Obviously, because I live with Liam, I’mnot a stranger to taking his money. I’mlivingunder his roof for free, after all. But myparents left me withsome trust money, and since I’ma pennypincher,I’vemanagedtocreateabudgetformyselfuntilI’moutoflawschool.I’mattendingCrestwoodonascholarship,so
fortunatelyIwon’thavestudentdebtfromundergrad.Lawschoolisn’tcheap,though,andIwanttobeprepared. Still,thisisthefirsttimehe’saskedforareceipt.
“Ifyouinsist”Itakethecashandpocketit,rollingmyeyes “Ido.Ineedtoknowthatyoudidn’tspenditonanothertattoo,”hedrawls,hisgazelingeringonmycollarbone,whereI’d recentlygottenatinyrose Oh.
“Fine”
“Imeanit,Zoe.”
“Iknowyoudo.Ipromisetobringyouproofofpurchase,”Itellhim,notclarifyingwhat thepurchasewillbe. “Also,” he starts, eyes flickingbetweenmine, “Youdon’t always have to force yourself to be busyand take a million classes.Sometimes…”Heshakeshishead.“Nevermind.” “What?”
Hisworriedexpressioncausesacreasetoformbetweenhisbrows.Iwanttoreachoutandsmoothitdown,toassurehim thatI’mfine
To stop worrying, even though I kind of like that he worries about me. “SometimesIwonderifyoukeepbusytorunawayfromyourgrief,Zoe.”
Hiswordsaren’tmalicious Iknowhemeanswell Lookingdownatmyloafers,Iswallowthroughthebubbleofemotion inmythroat.
“I’mnot Ihavealotofgoalsandaspirations”
Hedoesn’tlookconvinced,butfortunately,hechangesthesubject. “Whattimeareyoudonetoday?”
“Six,”Itellhim,adjustingmyheavybackpackagain. “Great.Meetmeoutfront,andI’lldriveushome.”
Ifrown “No,it’sokay Scottyispickingmeup”
“YouthinkItrustthatrusty,oldtruck?Meetmeatsix,”hegrowls,hisseriousexpressiontellingmeit’snotupfordebate. Thistime,Ireallydorollmyeyes “Histruckisfine” Liamgrunts.“Itmakes a noise whenitcomes upthe hill tothe house.Idon’ttrustit.AndIdon’ttrusthim,” Liamadds, lookingatmepointedlybehindhisglasses.
“Yes,you’vemadethatveryclear.”
Helookslikehewantstosaymore,buthejustnodsonce.“Seeyouatsix,”hesaysforwhatfeelslikethehundredthtime, andathrillgoesupmyspineashisexpressiondarkensslightly Achallenge.
“Fine,”Ianswer,knowingfullwellthatIwill not bemeetinghimatsix WhywouldI,whenrilinghimupismyfavorite thingtodo?He,ofallpeople,shouldknowthat.
“Haveagoodday,Zoe,”hedrawls,notbreakingeyecontactforseveralseconds.
Iturnandwalkout,andIfeelhiseyesonmybacktheentireway
Mycurledhandloosens as Igetintothe hallway,andItake a steadyingbreath.Despite me feelinglike Ihave the upper handmostofthetime,IsometimeswonderifLiamisreallytheoneincontrol NotthatIneedanupperhand He’sextremely easytobearound.It’sjustthatsometimesit’slikehe’swaitingformetodisobeyhim.
Likehe wants metodisobey
Evennow,afterlivingwithhimforoverayear,I’mstillnotsurewhattomakeofourrelationship,andthewayhestilltells mewhattodo.It’sunnerving,butit’salsoincrediblyattractive.It’slikeheknowsmebetterthanIknowmyselfsometimes.
Catalina was the onlytime Iever saw himbreakformation The onlytime Ireallyseemed to getinside ofhis mind and wigglemywayunderhisskin.Andthecrazythingis,Iwanttopushhimthatfaragain.
Iwanttopokethebeast
It’swhyIdothingslikesavehisfoodmoneyandgettattoosandspendafortuneonnicelingerie.
BecauseasmallpartofmewantstoseeLiamRavage unravel again
THE LOATHING
Theslammingofacardooroutsidesnapsmeoutofmywritingtrance.CaptainSushi’sheadperksup,andIseehimyawnin myperipheralasIlowermygoldpenthat’sengravedwithanR anodtomylastnameandfamilyhistory. IfiguredifIcouldwriteallofmybookswithapenbearingtheRavagename,maybesomethinggoodcanfinallycomeout ofthisfamily.
Well,that’s if Icaneverwritesomethingagain
IrritationtricklesthroughmewhenIleanovertoglanceoutofthewindowandseethefamiliar,rustyChevyparkedinfront ofthehouse Aquickglanceattheclocktellsmeit’snearlymidnight Ihaven’tseenZoesinceclassyesterday,despitewaiting todriveherhome tonoavailbecauseshedidn’tshowupanddidn’tanswermytexts.Ionlyknowshe’sbeenwithScottythis wholetimebecauseI’dturnedherlocationservicesonwhenIbecameherguardian,andneverbotheredturningthemoffwhen sheturnedeighteen
I wish she’d let me drive her home instead of relying on her pea-brained boyfriend.
Shehasn’thadtimetogetherdriver’slicense,sosheisn’tallowedtodrivethebrandnew SubaruIboughtherlastyear, despitemynaggingtogetitdone.Andbecausemyhouseisatwenty-minutedrivethroughthewoodsbehindCrestwood,it’sa painintheasstogetto.Hence…theboyfriendwithacar.
Isupposeit’sbetterthanataxi.I’drathernothavesomestrangemandrivingheraround.
Butitdoesn’tchangethefactthatI loathe Scotty.Hisjeansaretootight,hishairistooshiny,andhe’stoofuckingoldfor her I’mnotaviolentman,butwheneverhetouchesher,I’mtwosecondsawayfromtearinghisarmoutofitssocket.
Irubmyeyesbeforeflickingthembacktothewindow ZoeandScottyarelitupbythemotion-sensorlightIhadinstalled whenshemovedin.Zoeisleaningagainstthepassengerside,herbackpackinonehand.Scottyistoweringoverher,hislong, blondhairobscuringhisface.Heplacesahandonhercheek,andsheleansintothetouch.
Yeah, it’s decided I really fucking hate the guy
JustasI’mabouttotearmyeyesaway,ZoetiltsherchinupasScotty’shandslidespasthereartothebackofherneckand pullshertohislips
Thekississloppy,andhehasn’tofferedtotaketheheavybackpackfromher,soshe’sawkwardlyleaningtooneside. Shehasn’ttouchedhimwithherfreehand Infact,whenIsquintandconcentratehardenough,Iseeherfistballingather sideuncomfortably.
Enough
Istandupsoabruptlythatmychairrollsviolentlyintothewallbehindme,andI’mdownstairsandopeningthefrontdoor loudly inamatterofseconds.
CaptainSushi,mylargeServalcat,isonmyheels
ThelovebirdsaredonemakingoutandwalkingtowardthedoorbythetimeIhavetheminmysights.Asmyeyeslockon Zoe’sfingerslacedwithScotty’s,theragecontinuessimmering No, it boils over.
Becausethemotherfuckeriscominginside.
“Hey,Mr R,”Scottysays,givingmealopsidedgrinandusingthenicknameIhate Idon’tsmile,andIcertainlydon’tdeignhimwitharesponse.Meanwhile,CaptainSushihissesatScotty. MyeyesroveovertoZoe “It’slate,”Igrowl,crossingmyarmsandblockingthedoorway Scottyhas beenover before,butnever after dark.Usuallythey’re downstairs watchinga movie onSundayafternoons or gigglinginherbedroombeforeoneofhisshifts thelatterofwhichcausesmetoleavethehouseandgoangrilychopwood outback.
Iamawalkingcliché,apparently.
“Iwon’tbelong,Mr.R.JustwantedtospendsometimewithZo.”
Zo Likethesecondsyllableofherthree-letternameistoocumbersometosay
MynostrilsflareasIlettheminside,andZoegivesmeachagrinedglarebeforetheywalktothekitchen. CaptainSushitrotsaway,obviouslyirritated Me too, buddy. Me too.
“Imadechickenifyou’rehungry,”ItellZoe “Fuckyes,”Scottymumbles,pullingtherefrigeratoropen. Myeyesflashwithoutrageashehelpshimselflikeaheathenwithzeromanners.
“Scotty’sbeenworkingdoubles,”Zoeexplains,grabbingtwoplatesforthem She’sseeminglyunawareofthecold,flinty gazeIhaveaimedatScotty.“Hedidn’thavetimetoeatdinner.”
I’mnormallyaprettysympatheticguy Ihavetobe,consideringIworkwithhormonal youngadultsall daylong Butthat empathyisnowheretobefoundwhenitcomestoScotty.Idon’tgivetwoshitsifhestarvestodeath.
Itellmyselfit’sbecauseEliaswouldhatehim,too,sothehatredfeelsjustified,atleast
Zoewasabittooyoungtobedatingwhenherparentsdied,sotheyneverhadtonavigatethesewaterslikeIdo.I’mthe onewhohastobestrict,whohastovetherboyfriendsandmakesurethey’renotdisrespectingmyhomeinallthewaysthat makemerage I’mtheonewhohastolookoutforhertomakesureshe’sstayingsafe
It’sexhausting,andquitehonestly,infuriating.I fucking hate it,butIcan’ttellherthat.Ican’tadmitthatwatchingsomeone elsetouchhereatsmeupinside Especiallysomeonetenyearsolderthanherandcompletelylackingambition
Toassuagemyhatred,Idon’tinteractwithScottywheneverpossible.
Out of sight, out of mind
Aloudslapringsthroughthekitchen,andmyeyeshoneinonScotty’shandconnectingtoZoe’sassfora second timeasa veinpulsesinmyforehead.Iwasabouttogivethemsomeprivacybutfuckthat.
Instead,Igrabastool
MyeyeshoveronScotty’shandslidingintoZoe’sbackpocketasIsitdown,andbeforeIrealizewhatI’mdoing,Iclear mythroat Loudly.
My house, my rules
Scottygivesmeanapologeticsmirk,thefuckingbastard,andZoeiscompletelyunawareoftheentireinteraction,because she’stoobusymakingherboyfriendaplateoffood.
He shouldbemaking her aplateafood,butwhatthefuckdoIknowaboutchivalry?It’snotlikeIhavewomenliningup forme.
“Ihearyou’vegotyourselfanewstudent,”Scottyinterjects,lookinglikeadopeasheshakeshishairoutofhisface Zoe stiffens, barely, but I notice the way her spine straightens, the way her fingers curl tighter around the knife she’s holding.
“Surpriseofalifetime,”shegrumbles,finishedplatingthefoodandpoppingoneplateintothemicrowave “ButIsuppose it’llbeaneasyA,”sheadds,catchingmyeyeassheturnsaroundandwinks. Andthatwink doessomethingtomycock Fuck.
Me
Ipushtheimageofhersultryexpressionoutofmymindandrefocus.
“We’ll see,” Ianswer Scotty, crossingmyarms. “I’mhavinga colleague grade her poems, so she won’tgetpreferential treatment Butyes,sheprobablywill getaneasyA,”Iadd,lookingatZoenow IswearIseeafaintpinkcolorbrushoverhercheeks.
Yesterday was thesurpriseofalifetimewhensheinformedmethatshewouldbeoneofmystudentsthissemester,andI quicklyrealizedthathavingherinmyclasswasgoingtobethedeathofme.
Aslow,torturousdeath
Whichisprettymuchwhathadbeenhappeningtomeforthelasttwelvemonths. EverythingchangedbetweenusthatnightinCatalina.I’dreplayedeverythingaboutthatnightoverandoverinmymindso manytimes,butthedetailswerealwayssoblurry Theguiltstuckwithme,though,andI’dcompletelyobliteratedanychance ofitrepeatingbynotdrinkingaroundher,andalsoensuringwewereneveralonefortoolong.
The frenetic air betweenus was like a tickingtime bomb, and everylook, gesture, and touchsentme backto thatnight, threateningmyself-control.
Mostofthetime,weinteractedlikewealwaysdid cordial,friendly,comfortable.Buteveryonceinawhile,Icaughther lookingatme. Not inacordialway.
Wenevertalkaboutthatnight,andshechangesthesubjectanytimethetripcomesup.I’mnotabouttopushit.Obviously
we’dhadtoomuchtodrink,sowhocouldblameus?
Butsomethinghad shiftedbetweenus.
Alcohol makes for loose lips and loose lips sink ships Thefuckingediblesdidn’thelp,either.
Zoe swaps the plates outas Scottyand Ihave a staringcontest Igetthe feelinghe knows Idon’tlike him He seems to fidgetalotwhenI’maround,whichalwaysgivesmearushofadrenaline-fueledtriumph.
Hefinallybreakseyecontactandclearshisthroat Again.
Asthesecondplatefinisheswarming,thetwoofthemstarteatingatthecounter. “Ohmygod,”Zoemoans,takingabiteofchicken “Yourroastchickenismyfavorite,Liam,”sheadds,smilingatme “Whataboutmy chicken?”Scottywhines,referencingthefriedchickenstandwhereheworks. “Aw,babe Yourchickenisgood,too”Shestandsonhertiptoesandkisseshimbriefly,thoughthat’sabrushoffifIever sawone.
Scottytakesamassivebite “Damn Thischickenslaps,though Greatjob,Mr R,”hemumblesbetweenchewing Zero manners.
Iarchabrow attheidioteatingmychickenasZoesmirks.Oureyesmeet,andit’sonlythenthatInoticethepurplebags underhereyes,andthewayherhairispulledbackandwrappedaroundoneofthepensshe’salwaysstealingfromme “Howwasyourday?”IaskZoe,watchingherdevourhermeal.
“Fine,”sheanswersafter swallowingabite “Nearlydonewithmypolitical scienceessay,”sheadds,wipingher mouth withanapkin.“Butsomeone distractedme,”sheadds,rollinghereyesatScotty. Iglowerathim,andhelooksawayuncomfortably.
“I’mgladIneverdecidedtofinishcollege,”Scottymuses,chewingloudly.“Toomuchwork.”
“Whatasurprise,”Igrumbleundermybreath,narrowingmyeyes. Zoe’seyesflashastheyboreintomine “Liam,”shewarns Scottylaughsgood-naturedlyandputsanarmaroundZoe’sshoulders. Ah, there’s that urge to tear his arm from his socket again
“Ishould getgoing. See youSaturday, Zo,” Scottysays quickly, placinga kiss onthe top ofZoe’s head. He gives me a stupid,littlewave.“Bye,Mr.R.Thanksforthechicken.”
Zoegiveshimaquickpeckonthelipsandmuttersagoodbye. IsaynothingashewalksoutwhistlingaFallOutBoysong. Poser. Oncethefrontdoorclosesbehindhim,Zoepushesoff thecounterandwalksbothemptyplatestothesink
CaptainSushicomesoutfromhishidingplace,nuzzlingZoe’slegsaffectionately. “Youshouldstopbeingsomeantohim,”shesays,hervoicelow Herbackistome,and fuck ifIcan’thelpthewaymyeyestravelsouth. The wayher high-waistedjeans accentuate the swell ofher ass. The wayher waistcuts in, and how her cropped, black tanktopis just shortenoughto offer me a sliver ofolive-tonedskin Myfingers twitchatmyside whenIthinkofrunninga handoverthesmoothdenimand
Fuck
Mymindwanderstoyesterday,whenIsaw hersittinginthefrontrow ofmyclass,legscrossed,lookingliketheperfect fucking pupil I can’t deny that seeing her there in the one place I was safe fromthe onslaught of wanting her caused somethingdeepandpossessivetosettleinsideofme.
Andalsohadmeadjustingmycockinmypants.
Butshe’soff-limits Alwaysandcompletely
Leaningagainsttheoppositecounter,Icrossmyarms.“Notpossible.Hemakesittooeasy,”Igritout.“Leavethedishes. I’lldothemlater,”Iadd,referringtothemugsandplatesinthesink
Aftershuttingthewateroff,Zoewipesherhandsonthedishtowelandturnstofaceme.Seeinghow tired shelooksislike apunchtothegut,andIsighheavilyasIletmyeyeswanderoverherface
“Icansee the worrywheels spinning,” she says, a sardonic liltto her voice as she reaches downto petCaptainSushi. “Stopworryingaboutme.I’mtiredbutI’mfine.I’mgoingtofinishmypaperandthenheadtobed.”
And then she’ll be up at six to get the reading for her literature class done, and out late again with Scotty or her friends… Myhandcurlsagainsttheedgeofthecounter.“Stayhomeandrestthisweekend,”Isuggest,alreadyknowingshe’s goingtofightmeonit
Herlipsflattenasshelooksupatme.“IpromisedScottyI’dgotohisgigonSaturdaynight,”shesaysimmediately,asif there’snoroomforargument.Which,forher,Iguessthereisn’t.
NomatterhowmuchItry,Zoeisgoingtopushherselfuntilshecollapses.Andthere’snotadamnthingIcandoaboutit.
“Ialreadytold himI’d go,” she adds, crossingher arms. CaptainSushi chirps for her to keep pettinghim. Iswear, he’s
