MOON CURSED BOOK ONE
THE WIND RUSTLED thepapercalendarhangingonmywallandIglancedatthecrossedoffdays Sixdaysleft Iwassocloseto freedom.Pullingmyjackettighteraroundme,Iwalkedovertothewindow andpeeredoutside.Theskywassteelygrayand thecloudslookedliketheymightbringatornado Itwaslatespringandtheweatherthistimeofyearwasunpredictable
MaybeI’dgetluckyanditwouldhitmymom’sshittytrailerandIcouldgetoutofherepermanently.IhadafeelingIwasn’t goingtogetoutofherethateasily.Whateverwitchmagicthey’dusedtosealusinpacklandsseemedtoalsokeeptheworst weatheraway Italsopreventedusfromself-harm Notthatitkeptanyoneelsefrombeatingtheshitoutofme
IsupposedifIreallywantedout,IcouldhavepushedTylerandhisentouragealittlemore.Thepenaltyforkillinganother memberofthepackwasdeath,butIhadafeelingnobodywouldmournme Anditwasn’tlikethey’dlockupthenextalphafor gettingridofthebrokenwolf.
Iclosedthewindow Whilewewereunlikelytogetatornadohere,wedidgetrainandIdidn’tneedthewatercomingin andruiningmyfewmeagerpossessions.
The duffel bagsittingnextto the foldingtable thatserved as mydeskwas alreadypacked. Ithad beenfor three months. Waitinguntil the night the magic would free me fromthis prison Onthe first full moonafter mynineteenthbirthday, Iwas supposed to shift, and with that magic, I’d gain the ability to leave the magical border around our town. I already knew I wouldn’tshift,butthemagicshouldbreak,lettingmefinallyescapefromthehellthatwasmylife
Fortherestofthepack,thatbarrierwasoursavior.Itkeptushiddenandprotected.Awayfromferalwolveswhohunted othershiftersforsport Awayfromhumanswhowouldkillusonsight Mostimportantly,itkeptusawayfromwitches Atleast thatwaswhattheytaughtus.Forme,itkeptmeawayfromfreedom.I’dtakemychanceswithhumansandferalshiftersanyday overtheshitIdealtwithhere.Witchesandmagicfreakedmeoutmore,butI’dcrossthatbridgewhenIgottoit.
Fuckingmagic Fuckingwitches Theywere the cause ofall mypain The reasonIwas trapped ina townwhere Iwas abuseddaily.Thereasonmymomspentherdaysonherbackwithwhateverpillsshecouldfindtodullherpain.Ididn’teven know who mydad was butIwas sure he was anasshole Justlike mymom’s dad He was the one who pissed offa witch, resultinginthecursethatfollowsmyfamily.Noshiftingforus.Practicallyhumanwithadormantwolfshiftergene.Ifonlymy momhadfledwhileshewaspregnantwithmeandletusliveashumans.Instead,she’dstayedhere,piningoverthefuckerwho knockedherup.Henevercameback,andIgotstuckhere.
“Lola,didyougrabcigarettesatthestore?”Momyelled.
“Yeah,Mom They’reonthetable”Ishouldn’tindulgeherhabits Itwasgrossanditcostmeasmall fortune,butitkept heroffmycase.Shedidn’taskwhereIwentorwhatIdidaslongastherewerecigarettesonthetableandfoodinthefridge. Allpaidforbymyafter-schooljobatthepackgrocerystore
Itwasn’taglamorousjob,butitwashelpingmesavesomethingforwhenIfinallygotfreeofthishellhole.
Itookapeekinthemirrorandgingerlytouchedthebruisesfrommylatestblackeye.Anothergiftfromthemalewhowould one daybe the packalpha. IfTyler Granthad treated me withindifference, maybe I’d have stayed here. Instead, Igotdaily remindersthatIwasunwelcome.OneofthesedayshewasgoingtogotoofarandIintendedtobelonggonebeforethen.Huh, howaboutthat?IguessIdidn’thaveadeathwish,afterall Mydesiretosurvivewasbarelyhangingonbyathread Itwould beeasiertorolloverandgiveup.Thankfully,Ihadthereminderofmymomandwhatherlifewaslike.Irefusedtobecome likeher
Iconsideredapplyingsomeconcealertocovermyinjury,butitwouldn’thideitmuch.Therestofmyclassmateswouldbe healedbynow,butsinceIdidn’thavethewolfinsidemetoaidinthat,Ihealedlikeahuman.Thepurpleandbluemademy eyeslookevenmoregreenthantheywere Apparently,Ihadmyfather’seyes Mostofthepackhadbrownorambereyes The greeninminewasanotherthingthatmademestandout.Addintheredhairanditwasimpossibleformetohide.
Quickly,Ipulledmyhairintoalowponytailtogetitoutoftheway Igrabbedmybackpackandslungitovermyshoulder Six more days.ThatwasallIhadtodo.Justafewmoredaysofschool,afewmoredaysofwork,afewmoredaysofignoring
the over-actingofmymom’s moaningthroughthe paper-thinwalls ofher bedroom.Ishuddered.Nokidshouldhave tohear theirmomengaginginthat.Ididn’tjudgehowsheearnedhermoneybutIsureashelldidn’twanttolistentoit.
Withone lastglance atmypacked bag, Ileftmyroom The thoughtofleavingwas the onlythinggettingme throughthe motions.Chinhigh,IremindedmyselfthatIwasalmostthere.I’dmadeitthisfar.Icouldmakeitsixmoredays.
StudentsmingledinthegrassinfrontofWolfCreekCommunityCollegewhenIarrived Iglaredatthebuilding,whichwas rightnextdoortoWolfCreekHighSchool.SometimewhenIwasasmallkid,they’dexpandedtheschoolrequirementtomake allofustakeatleastonesemesterofcollegewhilewaitingforourfirstfullmoon Mostkidswhogrewupheredroppedoutas soonastheyhadtheirfirstshiftandsettledintosomemundanejobintown.Fewleftbecauseweallknewbeingawolfwithout apackwaschallenging.Iwouldn’teverturnintoawolfsoIwasn’tworried.Beingalonewouldbebetterthanbeinghere.
Itwasthetwenty-fourthofMayandtherewereonlyacoupleweeksofschoolleftbeforesummerbreak ButIwouldn’tbe heretofinishtheyear.Mybirthdaywaslastweek,whichmeantthefullmooninsixdayswasmyticketout.Iwassoclose,I couldtasteit
AsInearedtheentry,Irealizedthatasmallgroupofguyswaswaitingbythefrontdoors.MyheartpoundedandIfroze. Tylerandhiscrewweregatheredtheredespitethefactthatmostofthemhadalreadyhadtheirfirstfullmoon Tylerwasoneof the few wolves whostayed enrolled inschool after his firstshiftlastmonth. Ifiguredfor sure he’dbe outofhere since his futurewasset.Asthenextalpha,itdidn’tmatterifhehadanyactualskillsasidefrombeingabletothrowpeoplearound.He coulddowhateverhewantedandnobodywouldbataneye
Quickly,Ichangeddirectionandstartedwalkingtowardthesideofthebuilding.TherewereotherdoorsIcoulduseandI wasn’tinthemoodtogettheshitbeatoutofmetoday Itwasn’tlikeIwasapushoverbuttherewasnothingfairaboutthree dudesagainstonenon-shiftedchick.
Islippedintothesidedoor andwalkeddownthetilehallway.Kids I’dknownmywholelifeglancedatmeandquickly looked away. That was how it was for me. WhenI was younger, it hurt that I was so alone. Now, I was grateful for their indifference.Ignoringmewasbetterthanthealternative.
WhenIfinallytookmyseatinmyCalculusclass,Ibreathedasighofrelief I’dmadeitinwithoutsportinganew black eye. Six more days.
ProfessorOrtizstartedwritingonthewhiteboardandthefourotherpeopleintheclasswerealreadytakingnotes Ihadno deeploveofmath,butIwasgoodatitandTylerwasn’t.Anothernotasproudmoment.MyschedulewasbasedonthingsTyler hated.Iremindedmyselfthatitwasn’tlikeI’devengetthecreditfortheclasssinceI’dbeoutbeforethetermwasover.Itwas puresurvivalatthispoint.
Soonenough,Iwassuckedintoclass,toofocusedonthenumberstoworryaboutanythingelse.Okay,somaybeIlikedthat aboutmath Itforcedmetoshutoutmyotherworries
Iwentthroughthemotionsforthenexttwoclasses,doingenoughtokeeptheprofessorsfromnoticingmeandnotengaging enoughtodraw attentiontomyself ItwasabalancingactI’dperfectedovertheyears Keepingtomyselfandmakingmyself nearlyinvisibleweretheonlywaysI’dmadeitthisfar.
Thehallwayswerepacked.Therewereonlyahundredofusinthisschool,butsinceweallhadthesamelunch,itgotbusy when it was time for a break I walked into the crowd, keeping my gaze down to avoid confrontation It was especially importantthisclosetoafullmoon.
Someoneranrightintome,theirshoulderslammedintomine,shovingmeaside Ilookedup,readytofindawayout,but whenmyeyesmetTyler’s,IknewIwasfucked.
“Wherehaveyoubeenhiding,littlewolf?”Hestaredatmewithhisamber eyes,avicioussmileonhislips Hisfingers dugintomybicepasheheldmetight.“Iwaitedforyouatthefrontdoorbutyoudidn’tcome.Ithoughtmaybeyouwereplaying hooky.”
“Whatandgivesomeoneelsethechancetobeattheshitoutofme?Youknowwe’reexclusive”Missingschoolwasworse thanattending.Tylerandhisfriendsmightusemeasapunchingbag,butthetorturethatcamewithbeingtruantwasfarworse. I’dtriedafewtimesinhighschool,butitwasn’tworththepain
Hepushedmeforwardintothewomen’sbathroom.Thedoorswungopenandtwogirlsstandingbythesinksscreamed.
“Out Now”Tylergrowled
“Idon’tknowwhyyouwasteyourtimewithher,”Tenny,atallblondewhowasafewmonthsolderthanmesaid. EveryfemaleatschoolwantedTyler.Hewasgoingtobethenextalpha,afterall.Evenwithoutthepromiseofpower,his lookswouldbuyhimalotofattention Hewasoversixfeetofsolidmuscle Withwavyblackhair,piercingambereyes,anda strong masculine jaw, he was like a walking wet dream. Thankfully, his good looks were wasted on me. He’d been an awkwardkidandbythetimeheresembledafuckingGreekGod,Iknewwhatkindofpersonhewas
“Ditchtheloser,Ty,”Tennysaidinwhatwasprobablysupposedtobeaseductivetone.“Wehaven’thadatumbleinmy backseatinawhile.”
“Isaid, out,”Tylerrepeated.
“Sheprobablydoesn’tevenknowwhatyoulike,”Tennywhined.
“Whatexactlydoyouthinkhe’sdoingwithme?”Iasked.“BecauseIpromiseyouifheputhisdickanywherenearme,I’d biteitoff.”
Tyler’s hand made contactwithmyface, slappingme so hard itnearlyknocked me onmyass The stingmade myeyes waterandIforcedmyselftoclenchmyjawandholdmybreathratherthancryout.I’dlearnedlongagothatwhenIreacted,it madethingsworse
Tennygiggled.“Well,sinceshe’snotmeetingyourneeds,youknowwheretofindmeifyouwantarealwolf.”
“Out,”Tylerrepeated
ThegirlsleftthebathroomandIpulledfreeofTyler’sgrip.“Whatdoyouwant,Tyler?”
“You shouldn’t be here,” he said. “My father should have kicked you and your whore of a mother out the day your grandfathercrossedthatwitch Betteryet,heshouldhaveletyoustarveinthecaves”
Iswallowedhard.Theworstpunishmentinourpackwasbeinglockedinthecavesonthesouthendoftown,rightnearthe border Lockedinwithoutfoodorwaterwithothercriminalsmeantthatwolvesoftenwentferalandfedoneachother Itwas gruesome and had only been used once in my lifetime, but the threat was always there. Only, this was the first time Tyler mentionedit He’dtoldme Ishouldn’tbe here inprevious encounters,buthe’dnever talkedaboutthe caves Ever since his firstshift,he’dbeenmoreemotionalandlessstable.Iwasgratefulhewasn’tthealphayet.
“Don’tworry,I’llbeoutofheresoonandyou’llneverhavetolookatmeagain.”Iglaredathim.
BeforeIsawitcoming,hishandwasaroundmythroatandhepushedmeback,slammingmeagainstthewall Iheardthe crackingofmyheadasitmadecontactandhopeditdidn’tmeanIhadanotherconcussion.PainblurredmyvisionandIwinced despitemyself
Hewasfasterandstrongerthanhewasbeforehisfirstshift.Whenwewereyounger,Ihadachanceagainsthim.Aswegot older, he gotstronger, feedingoffthe energyofhis wolf. Ididn’thave thatadvantage. Itwas hard to tell ifthe beatings had gottenworseorifhe’dgottenstronger.
Whenwe were inelementaryschool, he teased me but bymiddle school, things turned physical. Inthe last year, I had learnedIdidn’tstandachancefightingbackanymore WhatIwouldn’tgiveforsomeofthestrengthandpowerthatcamealong withashift.
Tylerscowledatme Hisexpressionreflectingpurehatred IneverknewwhatIdidtomakehimsomad,butithadgotten worserecently.Beatingmeuphadalwaysseemedtobeasport,somethinghedidwithalaughtoshowofftohisfriends.
That’s whenit hit me that we were totallyalone. Myheart pounded faster. Inall the years of dealingwithTyler, he’d alwayshadotherswithhim.Therewerealwayswitnesses.Helikedtheaudienceandtherewasalwayssomeonetopullhim backifhetookthingstoofar.We’dneveractuallybeenalonebefore.Forthefirsttimeduringoneofourlittletorturesessions, Iwasworried Thiswasn’tjustagameanymore “Letmego,”Idemanded.
“Like I said, youshouldn’t evenbe here, little wolf” He squeezed harder, makingme gasp for air Myvisionblurred, growingdarkeraroundtheedges.Foramoment,Iwonderedifthiswasit.Ifhetookmeout,Iwouldbefreeofthisplace,done withthepain.Iconsidereditforaheartbeat.Aflickerofangerurgedmeforward,Iwasn’treadyyet.
Riskingretaliation,IkickedTylerrightinthenuts Heletgo,groaning,ashegrabbedhismanhood Isidesteppedhimthen boltedfor the door,suckinginair as Ifled.The hallwaywas empty.His friends nowhere insight.Whatever Tyler hadbeen after,hedidn’twantanywitnesses Ifhehadn’talreadyhadhismindsetonmurderingme,heprobablydidnow Imighthave justsignedmyowndeathwarrant. Fuck. SurvivingforthenextsixdayswasgoingtobeharderthanIthought.
KICKING Tylerinthenutswasprobablyareallybadideabutinalltheyearsofabuse,he’dnevercomeatmealonelikethat Andhe’dnever puthis handaroundmythroat.Iwasn’tsurewhatsnappedtocausehimtouptheante,butIwasn’tgoingto stickaround to find out Maybe itwas the thoughtoflosinghis favorite victimthatwas pushinghimto the edge Maybe he didn’twantmetobehappyandfiguredhe’dkillmebeforeIcouldleave.Worse,whatifhisshifthadunlockedsomekindof violentstreak?Imean,he’dalwaysbeenviolent,butthiswasinsane.Ihadnodesiretoseewhathewouldbelikewithpower. Thewholepackwasfuckedwhenhetookoverasalpha
Whateverthereason,TylerhadcrossedalineIdidn’tevenknowexisted.Icouldn’tlethimgetmealoneagain.
“Lola,thoseboxesaren’tgoingtounpackthemselves,”Jud,mymanagercalled Ishookmyselfoutofmyreflectionandgottoworkpullingcansofbeansoutandputtingthemontheshelf.I’dmanagedto avoid Tyler the rest of the day, but my head was still fuzzy and achy from our encounter I probably did have a fucking concussion. Asshole. AtleastIhadn’tthrownup this time. Maybe Iwas gettingbetter athidingmysymptoms. Ugh, mylife suckedsohard.Therewasnowayleavingthisplacewasgoingtomakemylifeworse.
Workingmywaythroughtheboxesofbeans,Imovedontocornandbeets Iwrinkledmynose How didwesellenough beetsthatwehadtorestockthemeveryweek?Didwolfshiftersdevelopasecretcravingforbeets?Itwastheoddestthing.I’d neverhadtheminmylifebuteveryweek,Ihadtorestockthem
Themindlessworkwasagooddistraction.Noneofthecustomersmadeeyecontactwithmeorengagedmeatall.Iwasthe brokenwolfandIwasusedtobeingtreatedlikeIwascontagious Isupposeitwasbetterthatway Therewereabsolutelyno tiestothisplaceformetobreakwhenIleft.
ThehourspassedquicklyasIemptiedboxesandstockedshelves.Finally,Iwascaughtupanditwastimetohauloutthe recycling IbrokedownalltheboxesandstackedthemupsoIcouldcarrythemout Thecoolspringairhadturnedcoldnow thatthesunwasgoneandgoosebumpsspreadacrossmybarearms.Iusuallylingeredouthereforafewminutestoenjoythe openair,especiallythistimeofyearwhenthedumpstersweren’tstinkingfromheat,butitwasalittlecolderthanIexpected
Itossedtheboxesintothebinandthenwipedmydustyhandsonmyapronbeforeturningbacktothedoor.Asolitaryfigure wasblockingmyentrybackintothestore.Therewerenolightsbackhereandmyvisionwasn’tanybetterthananormalhuman butIcouldmakeoutthefamiliarshape.
Tyler’ssix-foot-fourframewasdifficulttomiss.Eveninthedimlight,Icouldtellitwashim.Thiswasafirst.He’dnever shownuptomyworkbeforeandhecertainlyhadnever corneredmeinanalleybefore Wasthispaybackfor thekickinthe bathroom?Itwasn’tthefirsttimeI’dlandedahitinthefamilyjewels,butithadbeenawhilesinceI’dbeenthatdesperate.Or stupid
Afterallmyescapeplans,Ihadnotseenthiscoming.MypulseracedbutIwasn’tabouttolethimknowIwasscared. Crossingmyarmsovermychest,Ifacedhim,chinheldhigh.“Moveoutofmyway.”
“Icouldkillyou,youknow.Nobodywouldevenmissyou.Iwonderhowmanydaysyou’dsitbackherewiththerestofthe trashbeforetheyfoundthebody.”Hetookastepawayfromthedoor,movingtowardme.
Iheldmyground,unwillingtoyieldtohim Thiswasbeyondnormalbullying “Ididn’trealizeyou’dmovedontostalking Hownicetoseeyouthinksohighlyofmethatyouhadtogooutofyourwaytoseeme.”
“Youknowexactlywhatthisisabout,”hehissed “Whydon’tyouenlightenme?Clearly,Iwasn’tpartofthegrouptextaboutwhateverthefuckthisis,”Isaid. “Youshouldn’tevenbehere,”hesaid.
“Yeah,yeah,youtellmethatdaily”Myfearwaseasing Thiswasn’tanythingnew Thiswasthesameoldshithealways pulled.Maybehejustdidn’tgetenoughtoday.
“Imeanit,Lola,”hesaid “Youcan’tbehere”
“Well,asItellyoueveryday,I’mhappilyoutofhereassoonasIcan.Unlikeyou,I’mstuckhere.”Imovedmyhandstomy
hips. “Hey, Ihave anidea. Whydon’tyouleave for a weekand whenyoucome backyouwon’thave to see myface ever again.”
Alow guttural soundcamefromTyler Thegrowl was primal andsentashiver downmyspine I’dnever heardasound likethat.InvoluntarilyItookastepbackward.
Tyler movedtowardme,his wholebodytense,teethbared,eyes bright Toobright As inhewas fightingthechange Or tryingtobringiton.
“Calmdown Youdon’twantto do thathere” Ibacked up again This was too far evenfor Tyler He was a brand-new wolf.He’dshiftedforthefirsttimeafewweeksagoandunlesshehadridiculouscontrol,helikelyhadn’tshiftedagain.Most wolfshifters were forced into the shiftonthe full moons for the firstfew months. Or they’d shiftiftheywere threatened or emotional Oncetheygainedcontroloftheirwolves,theycouldshiftoncommandandweren’tbeholdentothemoon ButTyler wasn’tanexperiencedshifter.Thisshouldn’tbepossible.Hewaslettinghisemotionsrunwild.
“Tyler,backthefuckup”Iwasagainstawallnow Ihadn’tevenrealizedIcontinuedtomoveawayfromhim Onmyright, thedumpsterblockedmyexit.Onmyleftwasachainlinkfencethatdividedthealleyway.Iwasboxedin. Fuck.Thishadtobe theworstdayofmylife
Headvanced,hisbodyseeminglyvibratingwithenergy.Teethbared,hegrowledagain.
Iwouldn’tsurviveifheattackedmeinwolfform.Shit,he’dtriedtokill meearlier todayinhis humanform.He’dbeen strongerthanmesinceweweretwelve Itwasn’tfairthatpubertybroughtoutsomanywolfqualities IworkedoutasbestI couldtokeepmyselfstrong,butIwasn’tamatchforhim.
“Iwon’tstayinyour packifthat’s whatyou’re worried about,” Isaid, myvoice a little shakier thanIwanted itto be That’swhatthishadtobeabout.He’dbealphainafewyearsandIguessedhedidn’twantsomeonelikemebringingdownthe pack. Notthatanyone else seemed to evennotice me or mymom. We lived onthe outskirts oftownwiththe other rejects. Though,weweretheonlyoneswhocouldn’tshiftinourlittlerun-downtrailerpark.
“Justbackoffbeforeyoudosomethingyou’llregret.”Ikeptmyvoicesteadierthistime,feigningconfidence.
“Ishouldkillyou,”hesaid
“No,you’renotakiller.”Tylerwasanasshole,sure.Hebeattheshitoutofmeontheregular,butheneverwentasfaras hecould Notthatitexcusedhimforanything Hestilldeservedtodieslowlyfromsomevenerealdiseasefromwhatevercrazy bitchherolledaroundwith.
“Don’tpretendlikeyouknowme.We’renotfriends.”
“AsifIneededremindingofthat,dick,”Isnapped.
Iwasflushagainstthewall now andTylerboxedmeinwithahandoneithersideofme.Mybreathinggrew rapidandI keptmyeyesfixedonhis Tyler’spupilswerehugeandaveininhisforeheadlookedlikeitmightexplode
“You’refightingit,”Ipointedout.“Youdon’twanttochangehere.Youdon’twantmybloodonyourhands.”
“Youdon’tknowwhatIwant”Heleanedsohisfacewasnearlytouchingmine Thenhebreathedinasifsmellingme Mywholebodytensed. What the actual fuck?
Tylerloweredonehandandsetitonmyhip,slidingitupmybodyuntilhereachedmybreast.Histouchwasgentleandto myhorror,mybodyresponded Alittleshiveroflustrolledthroughme Oh,hellno.
This was not going to happen This was never going to happen With all the force I could muster, I lifted my leg and stompedhardonhisfoot.
Tylerhowledashebackedawayfromme Ipushedpasthim,buthegrabbedme,throwinganarmaroundmychesttopull meagainsthim.Istruggledtobreakfreeofhisgrip,butheheldmetight.
“Letmego,asshole!”Ithrewmyelbowback,tryingtohithisstomach.Tylerforcedbothmyarmstomyside,pinningme againsthim HepulledmeevenclosertohimandIcouldfeelhishardnesspressingintome Iknewwolfshiftershadapracticallyinsatiablesexdrive,butthereweresomanywillingpartners.Whywouldsomeone whohatedmegothroughallthistrouble?
Ifelthisnosebymyear,hishotbreathonmyneck.HewaspantingandIwasn’tsureifhewasincontrolorhiswolfwas. Whateverwashappening,itwasn’tgoingtoendwellformeifIcouldn’tgetoutofhisgrip “Letmego,Tyler.OrIsweartothegodsIwillslityourthroatinyoursleep,”Ihissed.
HislargehandgrabbedmychinandroughlyforcedmyheadtoturnsoIwasfacinghim.“Youwillbeaghostuntilthefull moon Idon’twanttoseeyourface Assoonasthemagiclifts,you’regone Ifyoustay,IwillfinishwhatIstarted”
HepushedmeawayandIstumbledforward,landingonthegroundonmyhandsandknees.Shakingandterrified,Iriskeda glancebehindme WhenIrealizedthatIwasalone,myshouldersslumpedandIletoutabreathofrelief
IhadnoideawhatjusthappenedbutIhadnoproblemfollowinghissuggestion.Itwasalreadymyplananyway.Cursing myselfformyweakness,Ipushedmyselftostandingandbrushedthedirtoffmyhandsandknees.IwishedIcouldfightback.I hatedthatIwasn’tstrongenough.Itwasn’tfairbeingahumansurroundedbythesepowerfulcreatureswhocouldsnapmein halfwithouteventrying.ThesoonerIcouldgetawayfromallthingsmagic,thebetter.
OF COURSE IsawTylereverywhere Inthehalls,atthestore,evenwalkingdownthefuckingstreet Asasked,Ifadedintothe background,hidingbehindotherpeopleandevenonceduckingbehindatree.Itwasn’tlikeIwasbeingstealthy,hesawme,but tohiscredit,hedidhisparttolookaway AndunlessIwasimaginingthings,heevendistractedhisfriendsafewtimestokeep themfromseeingme.
Noneofitmadesense.Yearsofbeingslammedintolockersinthehallwayorbeingelbowedinthestomachfornoreason left a mark The broken noses, black eyes, and cracked ribs left behind were strong enough memories for me to take his warning seriously. Every time I hid, I felt like a failure. I’d made it this far on little more than mother-fucking-moxie and fleeingfromaliteralbigbadwolfwasshitonmyself-esteem
Butitwasalmostover.
TheonlythingkeepingmegoingwasthatnobodyknewIplannedtoattendahumancollege Iwasonmywayoutofhere andgoingtomakesomethingofmyself.Sure,mymeaslysavingswasn’tgoingtogofar,butI’dfigureitout.Iwassmart.Even ifmyteachers were too afraid to ever show kindness to me, they’d still taughtme. WolfCreekmightbe a magicallyhidden town,butthehighschoolstillprintedofftranscriptsforme
Surprisingly,Iwas a little sadwhenIleftthe school onFriday.I’dplannedonleavingfor as longas Icouldremember. ActuallywalkingoffthecampusI’dattendedschoolatformyentirememorywasdifferent Mychesttightenedastherealityof leavingthisbehindstruckme.ItwasalottoprocessevenifeverythingaboutWolfCreekhadbeenmiserable.
Fightingagainsttheunwelcomeanxietyofstartingover,Iwalkedthefamiliarroutetowardthestore AnotherplaceIwas leavingafter tonight. No more stockingshelves or ringingup customers who glared atme and never said a word. Though, I supposedthosewhopretendedIdidn’texistwerebetterthantheoneswhotreatedmeliketrash.
Icould see a small crowd outside the store as Iapproached and decided the less time withothers, the better Turning, I walkedtowardthebackofthestorewherethedumpstersandbackdoorwere.BallingmyhandsintofistsIfoughtbackagainst theimagesfloodingintomyheadfrommyencounterwithTyler
Thankfully,thealleywasemptyandIwasabletogetintothestorewithoutissue.Backpackstashed,apronon,Iclockedin forthelasttime.Thistime,fluttersofanticipationandafeelingofgleesurgedthroughme.Thereitwas.TheexactemotionI washopingfor.Iwasgoingtobefreeofthisplacetomorrow.Thankthegods.
Ifinished breakingdownboxes while itwas still lightand after a quickpeekinthe alley, Idragged the boxes out, then rushedbackinside Nolingeringformetonight
TherewasnowayIwasgoingoutthebackdoor inthedark.NotjustbecauseofwhathappenedwithTyler,butbecause tomorrowwasthefullmoon Everyonepastpubertywouldberestlesstonight,feelingthecallofthemoon Whilethewolves didn’t shift until nineteen, the wolf beganto stir more as theyaged. I wouldn’t know. I’ve never felt the wolf because I’m broken.Thecurseonmyfamilypreventedmefromever reachingmyinner wolf.WhileIhadareallygreatsenseofsmell,I wasbasicallyhuman.Fuckingcurses.WhatIwouldn’tgiveforthepowertoputTylerinhisplace.
Theysayourabilitytoshiftwasalsoacurse.Wewerehumanonce.Theabilitytoshiftwastheresultofverycomplicated magic Lotsofhumanstoriestalkedaboutwerewolvesbeingusedtoprotectvampires,butthatwasamyth Wedidn’tgetalong withvampires enoughtoever workfor them. As far as Iknew, we stucktoourselves inour packs, and leftthe vampires to theirowndevices Witches,ontheotherhand,weretightlyconnectedtoourhistory
Hundreds of years ago, we were created by witches who needed protection on the nights they performed their most complicated spells. Thus, the reasonour shifts aligned withthe full moon. Alarge covenofwitches cursed anentire human villagetoturnintowolveseveryfullmoon Thewolveswouldroamthewoods,keepingwitchhuntersoccupiedwhiletheydid whateverblackmagictheywanted.Nice,huh?
Eventually, the shifters rebelled and started fighting back They abandoned their homes and fled, hiding around other humansandmakingsuretheywereinthewoodsonthenightofthefullmoon.Thatoriginalcurseturnedouttobespreadover
generations,andmoreshifterswerebornastheoriginalshiftersbredwithhumans.
Over several generations,we’devolvedbeyondtheinitial curseandcouldshiftatwill oncewegainedcontrol.Though, thefirstshiftalwaysalignedwiththefullmoonclosesttoyournineteenthbirthday Howitmanagedtocoincidewithnineteen,I hadnoidea.AllIknewwasthatwitcheswereassholesandyoushouldn’tcrossthem.Atleastwe’dbeenabletobreaktheir controloveruseventually
BeforeIknewit,allthestockingwasfinishedandmylastshiftwascomingtoaclose.Itseemedtoflybytonight.Iwalked into the backofthe store and tookoffmyapron, thentossed it inthe bin It felt prettyamazingto stickmytimecard inthe machineforthelasttime.NotthatJudneededthestampfortoday.Heknew thiswasmylastshiftandI’daskedformyfinal checkto be readytoday. There was somethingsymbolic aboutfinishingthe shiftinthe same wayI’d started here. Clockin, clockout Nearlyeverydayforthelastsixyears
Itookadeepbreath,feelingsatisfiedwiththeworkI’ddone.Whenmymomcouldn’tprovide,I’dsteppedupandtaken careofmyself ItwasreassuringthatIcoulddothatconsideringIwasabouttostartoversomewherenew Iwalkedintotheempty,dimstore.Judwasclosingdowntheregisterforthenight.
“Youhavemylastcheck,Jud?”Iasked “Myapronisinthebackalongwithmynametag” Judgrunted.“Youreallygoingthroughwithit?”
“Yousayitasifyou’resurprised,”Isaid.“ItoldyouwhenyouhiredmeIwasoutthedaybeforethefullmoon.” “Yeah,butnobodyeverleaves Evenyourmacameback,”hepointedout “I’mnotmymom,”Iremindedhim.
“That’s true,you’renot”Hepulledanenvelopeoutofhis pocket “Figureditmighthelpifyour lastcheckwas incash There’ssomeextratohelpyougetstartedbutdon’tyoudaretellanyoneIhelpedyou.”
“I’dneverdreamofit,”Isaid.“Everyoneknowsyou’reanuncaringasshole.” Hegrinned.“That’sexactlywhatIam.”
Iacceptedtheenvelopefromhim.Judreallywasanasshole,butinthesamewaymostsinglewolfshifterswere.Hewas gruffandunfriendly,buthewasn’thurtfulormean Hedidn’tsugar-coatanythingandhehadzeroempathy Ontheflipside,he wastheonlyonewillingtohiremewhenIstartedlookingforjobsatthirteen.I’dstartedafew hoursaweeksweepingthen moveduptostockingandregister ThankstoJud,Ihadagoodchunksavedformyescapefromthishellhole
“Thanksforeverything,Jud,”Isaid.
Henodded.“CanIgiveyouonepieceofadvice?” “Sure.”
“Nevercomeback.Stayawayforever.”HistonewasdarkandIcouldhearthewarninginit.
Swallowinghard,Inodded Itwasgoodadvice,honestly I’dseenthisplacedestroymyownmother She’dbeenadecent momwhenIwasyoung.Thensomethinginsidehersnapped.Ialwayswonderedifitwasthewholedenyingtheinnerwolfthe abilitytoshift Theysaidmygrandfatherwentcrazyandkilledhimselfbecausenotshiftingwastoomuch Ineverletmyself puttoomuchstockinthose rumors because Ididn’twanttobelieve itcouldhappentome.Maybe stayingawaywouldhelp slowitdownorpreventmefromfollowingthesamepath.
“Getoutofhere,”hesaid
Istuffedtheenvelopeintothewaistbandofmyjeansandcovereditwithmyshirt.Damngirljeanpocketsweretoofucking smalltoactuallyfitanything “Thanks,again”
Hegruntedashepickedupabroomandstartedsweeping.Ourconversationwasofficiallyover.Mythroatwasalittletight asIwalkedtothefrontdoor Judwasn’tnice,exactly,buthehadshownmekindnessinhisownway
Thenightairwascoolandclean.Thescentoflilacfilledtheair.SummerwasthebesttimeofyearinWolfCreek.Warmth, sunshine,noschool.Itwas thetimeofyear whenIcouldavoidthebullies.Ismiledas IrealizedIwas abouttoavoidthem forever
Thewalktomymom’strailerseemedlongerthanusualtonight.MaybeitwasbecauseIkeptpausingtotakeeverythingin. Itwas mylastnighthere,after all Despitemyattempts tostir upnostalgia,everymemoryIrecalledwas bad BythetimeI reachedhome,Iwasmorethanreadytoleave.
Mymom’sdoorwasclosedandgruntingsoundsescapedthethinwalls Iwrinkledmynoseandquicklymademywayto myroom,closingthedoorbehindme.Iwasnotgoingtomissthat.Iflippedonthelightswitch,butnothinghappened. Dammit, Mom. Shemustnothavepaidthepowerbillagain.
Lookedlikemylastnightherewasgoingtoendwithacoldshower Somehow,itseemedafittingendtothisstintinhell Usingaflashlight,Idoublecheckedmybag.Itwasasurrealfeelingpackingyourwholelifeintoaduffelbag.Thankfully,I didn’thavealot Theclothesthatweren’ttoowornout,moneyfrommyjob,afolderwithmytranscriptsfromschool,andmy two favorite books. Thatwas it. Mywhole life ina bag. Itwas a little sad whenIrealized this was it. No photos, nothing sentimental.Eventhoughthishadbeenmylifeforawhile,Iknewitwaswrong.Itwasn’tanywaytolive.Iwasgoingtobreak free,though.EvenifIwentnutsandendeditall,I’dgivemyselfafewgoodyearsfirst.
After a quick, cold shower inthe dark, Ilocked mybedroomdoor thencrawled into bed. As myeyelids grew heavy, I
wonderedwhereI’dbesleepingtomorrow.Itdidn’treallymatteraslongasIwasfarfromhere.
A DOOR SLAMMED andIsatup,fullyawake,heartpounding Amanyelled,thenmymomyelledandsomethingcrashedagainsta wall. I scrambled out of bed and unlocked my door. Just as I stumbled into the living room, the front door to our trailer slammedshut
Mymomwasstandinginfrontofheropenbedroomdoorinarattybathrobe.Herredhairwasamessandshehadlipstick smearedonhermouth.Thestreaksofhermascararunningdownherfacegaveawaythetearsevenifshewasn’tcryingnow.
“Youokay?”Iasked
Mymomturnedawayfromthedoorandlookedatme.Hereyeswidenedasifnoticingmeforthefirsttime.Weoftenwent weeks withoutspeakingaboutanythingother thanher cigarette stash Itwas like we were roommates rather thanmother and daughter.Itsuitedmefine.She’dgivenuponmeandherselfsometimearoundfifthgrade.I’dtriedtopullheroutofthefunk forawhile,buteventuallyIgaveupandgotajobandboughtmyowngroceries Shortlyafterthepowerwentoutforthefirst time,shestartedhavingmalevisitorsoverandthepowerwentbackon.Iknewenoughnottoaskquestions.She’dshutmeout andshewasn’tthesamemomIhadbefore.
“Mom?Didhehurtyou?”
“No,it’sfine,everythingisfine.It’safullmoontonight.Youknowhowtheyget,”shesaid.
“Yeah”
“How’swork?”Shetiedherrobeclosedandwalkedintothetinykitchen.
“Fine”Iwasn’tsurewhatshewasplayingat Wenevertalkedaboutanythinganymore “Coffee?”Shepickedupabagofgroundsandhelditup.
Inoddedthenstoodthereinsilencewatchinghergothroughthemotionsofaddingthefilter,scoopinggrounds,andfilling thepotwithwater Iknewshemadeherselfcoffeeeveryday,butIwasusuallyatschoolwhenshedid WhenIgothome,I’d drinktheleftoversovericeanddumpthegrounds.
“You’releavingtonight,aren’tyou?”sheaskedwithoutlookingup
Thecoffeepotgurgledandsputteredasitpercolated.Itoremyeyesawayfromtheappliancetolookatmymom.Shewas a mess and ithurta little to see her like this. I’d gottengood atblockingitoutand remindingmyselfabouthow badlyshe treatedmethelastfew years.Buttherewas somethingaboutknowingitwas timetosaygoodbyethatmadeyouview things differently.Ifeltsorryfor her.She’dbeenhandedthis lifewithoutchoice.She wasn’tthe one whofuckedup,butIcouldn’t stayhere Notevenforher TherewasnothingIcoulddo “I’llleaveassoonasthemagicletsmeout,”Isaid.
“Good,”shesaid
“Will you be okay?” It was a question I’d wondered about a few times but always stopped myself from asking. She wouldn’tbeokayandwebothknewit.She’dhavetostarttakingbettercareofherselfandIwasn’tsureshecould.
“Don’tworryaboutme,”shesaid.
“I’mnotgoingtocomebackafterIgo.”Iwasn’tsurewhyItoldherthat,butitseemedlikesheshouldknow.
“Ihopeyouneverdo”Sheforcedasmilethenturnedtothecupboardandpulleddowntwocoffeemugs Shesetthemugs onthecounterandthenpulledthecoffeepotoffandfilledeachbeforehandingmeoneofthecups.
Justlikeher,Idrankmycoffeeblack Probablybecausemilkandsugarwereluxuriesthatweren’treallynecessarywhen youhadalimitedbudget.IttookawhileformetoadjusttothebittertastewhenIwasyounger,butnowitwasastapleinmy life.Oneofthethingswehadincommon.
“Youwerenevermeanttobeinthisplace,”shesaid “You’retoogoodforallofthesewolves I’msorryIgotyoustuck here.”
Mybrowfurrowed “Whatdoyoumean?”
Sheletoutalongbreath.“Yourfatherwasn’tfromaroundhere.Ileft,Ihadalife.Agoodone.ButafterIgotpregnant,I
was scared and Icame back. WhenIarrived, mydad was a mess so Istayed to help. Inever planned to staybutyoucame early,andthemagictookholdofyou.IfIleft,you’dhavebeenstuckhere.”
“Idon’tunderstand,”Isaid “Ithoughtyou’dalwaysbeenhere” “Itdoesn’tmatter.ThefactthatIreturnederasedanygoodIhadfrommytimeaway.”
“You’veneverspokenaboutmyfatherbefore,”Isaid “He’sprobablylonggone.Hedidn’tevenknowIwaspregnantwithyou.”
“Washeashifter?”Iasked
Shenodded.“Heneverknewoursecret.Iwasscaredhe’dfindoutyoucouldn’tshiftandhe’ddisownyou.” “Itcouldn’thavebeenworsethangrowinguphere,Ma,”Isaid.
“Trustme,therearethingsworsethanWolfCreekandthesufferingwehadhere”Shesippedhercoffee “You’rebetteroff withouthim.”
“Thatdoesn’tmake anysense He wouldn’thave evenknownIcouldn’tshiftuntil Iwas nineteen I’d have had a whole lifetimetofeellovedandsafe.Howcouldyoudeprivemeofthat?”Allthegoodfeelingsaboutmymomweregonenow.Why wouldshedothattoherunbornchildandhowhadshekeptthisfrommealltheseyears?
“He would have knownfar sooner and things would have ended badlyfor bothofus,” she said. “Promise me, youwill nevergolookingforyourfather.He’dbringyounothingbutpain.”
“HowcouldI?Iknownothingabouthim,”Isaid “Good.”Shewalkedoutofthekitchenandpausedinfrontofherbedroomdoor.“Besafeoutthere.”
Iwasstillstandinginthekitchenwithmyuntouchedcoffeewhensheclosedthedoorbehindher “That’sit?Nogoodbye?” Itwasn’tlikeIexpectedanythingtouchingormemorable,butIexpectedsomethingotherthanthis.WhatwasIsupposedto dowiththisinformation?Whytellmeaboutmydadnow?Andhowthefuckcouldlivingwithafatherandmotheroutsideof thisshitholebeworsethanhavingthecrapbeatoutofmeeveryweek?
Furious,Isetthecuponthecounterandstormedbackintomyroom.Itwastimetogo.Iwasn’tsurewhenthemagicbarrier wouldletmepassbutIwasn’tgoingtowaithere Myguesswassometimeaftermoonrise,IcouldwalkrightoutofherebutI coulduseanyheadstartIcouldget.
Quickly,Imademyselfapeanutbuttersandwichandgrabbedabunchofsnackstogetmethroughthenextcoupleofdaysin caseWolfCreekwasalongerwalkfromcivilizationthanIknew.
Thatwasanothershittythingaboutthisplace.Ihadnoideawhereweweregeographically.IknewwewereintheUnited Statesandthatwegotmildwinterswithsomesnowandhotsummers,butotherthanthat,Iwasclueless.Icouldbedaysaway froma hotel or Icould walkrightinto a bustlingmetropolis. No matter how manyadults Iasked, nobodywould tell me the details
I was done withthe secrets. Done withthe magic. I was goingto find mywayout of here and start livingmynormal, boring,humanlife
WhenIsteppedoutofmydoor,Iwasgreetedbythreefamiliarfaces.Tyler,andhistwobestgoons,JulianandKyle,were waitingrightoutfrontofmytrailer.
“How amIsupposed to avoid youwhenyoushow up atmyhouse?” Idemanded “I’mnotinthe mood for anyofyour games,Tyler.”
“Ihadafeelingyoumightdosomethinglikethis You'regoingtorun,”Tylersaid
“ItoldyouIwasgoingtorun.Thatwasalwaysmyplan.Youknewthat.You'retheonewhotoldmetodoit.”Iglaredat Tyler,totallyconfusedandsuperpissedaboutthewayhewasbehaving Whatwasgoingthroughhishead?Hetoldmetoget outofhere.Andhetoldmetoavoidhim.Yet,heshowsupatmyhousefirstthinginthemorningonthedayoftheFirstMoon Ceremony.EveryinteractionIhadwithTylerwasgettingmoreconfusingbythesecond.
“Mydadsayseveryonehastobeattheceremonyorit’lldispleasethegods I'mheretomakesureyouattend”Tyler,tohis credit,lookedlikehewouldratherbeanywhereelsebutstandinghereplayingerrandboyforhisdad.Iwishedthesamecould besaidabouthisfriends,buttheirgrinsandtensebodylanguagetoldmetheywerehopingIwasn'tgoingtogodownwithouta fight.
Ihadtwochoices Trytofightallthreeofthemandlosebadly,oragreetogoalongwithit TherewasapossibilityIcould stillruniftheydidn’tstickaroundtobabysitme.
“Fine.”Itookastepback,givingsomedistancebetweenthethreeofthem.
“I'msupposedtobringyoutonight You'retheonlyonethatmightruinit”Tylermovedclosertome,hisexpressionserious
“Afteraweekofwarningmetostayawayfromyou,youwanttospendmoretimewithme?Whatisit,Tyler?”Iprobably shouldhavekeptmymouthshutbutinmydefense,Iwasalreadyoutofthisplaceinmyhead
“Whatisshetalkingabout,Ty?”Julianasked.
“Keepingmeawayfromyourfriends,too.Whatthefuckisgoingon,Tyler?Isthisreallyaboutyourdad?”
“Don’tpushme,Lola.”Tylergrowled.
“Tyler, teachher some manners,” Juliansaid. He inched closer to me and Icould practicallyfeel his wolfpacing. The
thoughtstartled me. Icouldn’tcommunicate withthe packthe waythe others could. I’d heard we could sense wolves, feel emotions,connectinwayshumanscouldn’t.Butthatwasneveranoptionforme.
Ishookmyhead,tryingtosendtheconfusingthoughtaway Ithadtobeinmyimagination
“Ifshe’sunconscious,shecan’tparticipate.Mydadwasclearthatshehastobethere.Allthenewwolvesdo,”Tylersaid.
“She’snotawolf She’snotevenahuman She’sanabominationandsheshouldn’tevenhavebeenleftalive,”Juliansaid I’dheardthewordsmywholelifebuttheystungmoretodayforsomereason.Iwassoclosetogettingoutofhereandthis was exactly why Usually, I could use the hatred thrown my way as fuel, but today there was already so much unwanted nostalgia.
“Itoldyou,she’sstillconnectedtothepack,”Tylersaid.“Mydadsaidshecan’tbekilledbeforetheceremony,oritcould threatenthepack”
Mybrowfurrowedinconfusion.We’dhadtragedyinourpackbefore.Afewyearsago,afewkidsfromschoolhaddrown intheswimminghole TheywereseniorsandIwasafreshman OfcourseIknewthem,butweweren’tfriends Notthattheage differencewasthecauseofthatbutthat’snotthepoint.Thepointis,theydiedwithinmonthsoftheirfirstmoonceremonyand nothingbad had happened Iremembered the older folks talkingabouthow tragic itwas thattheywere almostto their first shift.Mostpeopleseemedtothinkthey’dhavesurvivediftheyhadbondedwiththeirwolf.
Tyler was lying.They’venever neededall thewolves before.Besides,therewereonlytwoofus whowereshiftingthis month Asidefromme,onlyoneotherclassmatehadaMaybirthdayandturnednineteenrightbeforetonight’sfullmoon AndI knewforafact,shewouldnotcareifIwasn’tthere.She’dlikelypreferthespotlight.
SomethingwasgoingonandIneededtogetoutofherebeforeitwentdown “Alright I’llhangouthereandmeetyouatthe barnatdusk.Workforyou?”
“Sure.”Tylerwalkedovertotheshabbyporchswinginthedirtnexttoadozenabandonedpotsandcontainersthatusedto holdflowersbeforemymomsnapped.Hesatdown.“We’llwait.”
“You’rekiddingme,right?”ThenIrealizedIcouldsneakoutthebackdoorifhewascampedouthere.“Youknowwhat, notmyproblem I’mgoingtotakeanap Youassholesknockyourselvesout”
Iwalkedbackintothetrailerandglancedtowardmymom’sroom.Herdoorwasstillclosedandtherewasnosignthatshe was aware thatI’dbeenoutside talkingtoanyone Irolledmyeyes WhathadIexpected? Her briefmomentofluciditythis morningwasthedeepestconversationwe’dhadinyears.
Makingsure mybagwas secure behind myback, Iwalked for the backdoor, takingcare to openitslowly. The hinges creakedandIwincedatthesound.Ididn’tgetafootoutthedoorwhenIrealizedJulianwasstandingoutsidestaringatme.
“Unlessyou’recomingoutheretooffertoblowme,I’mnotlettingyouleavethisplace,”hesnarled.
Myupperlipcurledindisgustatthethoughtofdoinganythingremotelyintimatewithhim Julianwasattractive,sure He hadlongbrownhair,warmbrownskin,anddeepamber eyes.Hewasthekindofmalemostofthegirlsinschool woulddo justaboutanythingto getevenone nightwith Especiallyafter he shifted He was marked as a protector, one ofthe highest rankingwolvesinapack.Thecrescentshapedtattoohadappearedonhisshoulderthenightofhisfirstshift.He’dbeinTyler’s innercirclewhenTylertookoverasalpha;hemightevenbehisbetaoneday.Julianhadshowneveryonewhowalkedbythe markafterhisshift,eagertoimpressevenlowlynobodieslikeme
He’d only calmed down after the next full moon, the one where Tyler had his first shift. Julian was first, then Tyler. EveryoneexpectedTyler togetthemarkofthealpha Henever saidifhedidor didn’t,buthedidn’tgoaroundshowingoff anythingafterhisceremonyandJulianstoppedshowingoffhismark.
ItwassomethingI’dpokedTyleraboutatfirst,eventhoughitcostmeafew beatings Ithadbeenworthittofindoutthe truth.Tyler,nextinlinetobealpha,hadn’tbeenchosenbythegods.Ifhehad,he’dhaveshowneveryonehismoonandstar tattoo.Itwas amarkthatwouldappear whenanalphawas chosen.Notall alphas gotone,butthatmarkoutrankedanalpha withoutone
Thatmeant,oneday,anothershiftercouldgetthemarkandrisetotakeTyler’splaceasleaderofthepack.Amarkedalpha didn’tevenneedtofighttothedeath;theywouldjusttaketheirplaceanddemotethepreviousalpha
Inmylifetime,I’dneverseenthatmark.IwasfairlycertainTyler’sdaddidn’thaveiteither.Iusedtowishsomeonewould challenge himso Tyler’s status would drop, butIgave up onthatlongago Itwasn’tmyproblem Bythe time someone did challengehim,I’dbelonggone.
“What’sitgoingtobe?”Juliansaid,movingclosertothedoor.“Howwidecanyouopenyourmouth?”
“You’redisgusting,”Isaid
“WhyelsewouldTyleraskyoutostickaroundifyou’renotputtingout?”Julianasked.
“I’mnotfuckingTyler” Iwasn’tfuckinganyone Like there was anyone inthis packIwas willingto getinto bed with Sure,Ihaddesiresjustlikeeveryoneelse,buttheyweremellow comparedtoshifterlibidos.I’dwalkedinonclassmatesin thelibrarymorethanonce.WhileImightgetmyselfoffonoccasion,IcouldwaituntilIwashomeandmydoorwaslocked.
Atleastthatwasonegoodthingaboutthiscurse.Icouldn’timaginehavingsexwithanyoftheassholesaroundhere.We didn’thavetheconcernofSTDslikehumansdid,butIwasn’tabouttoriskpregnancy.
“Thereareotherthingsawomancandobesidesfucking,”Juliansaid.“I’msureyoulearnedalotoftricksfromyourmom. Mydadsaysshe’slikeawolfinthesack,evenifshecan’tshift.”
HeatfilledmychestandIballedmyhandsintofists “Don’ttalkaboutmymother,youpieceofshit” “I cantalkabout your mother all I want. Infact, maybe I’ll take a turnof myown. I was hopingyou’d jointhe family businessandIcouldfinallywipethatsmuggrinoffyourfacewithmycock,butyoumomwouldwork,Isuppose”
“Gohomeandfuckyourownmother,”Isnapped.“Atleastmymomishonestaboutwhatshedoes.Yourmomistheone hidinginalleywaysandsneakingaround Weallknowshekeepsthealpha’sbedwarmwhileyourfatherisalone” JulianchargedsofastIdidn’thavetimetoslamthethindoorinhisface.Hissix-two,muscularframewasontopofme, knockingmetotheground.Myarmswerepinnedtothefloor,hiskneeonmygut.Isquirmed,tryingtoanglemyselfbettersoI couldkickhiminthegroin,butIcouldn’tbudgefromhisgrip “Letmego,”Ihissedthroughgrittedteeth.
“Notwithoutsomethingforyoutoremembermeby”Heswitchedhisgripsooneofhislargehandswasholdingbothof mine,freeinghisotherhand.Hetracedafingerdownmycheektomyjawbeforehishandclosedaroundmyneck.“Youmutter somuchasasinglesoundandIwillsnapyourtiny,humanneck”
“Julian,getoffher.Now.”Tyler’svoicehadallthecommandofanalpha.EvenIcouldn’thelpbutlookupathim. Julian’shandleftmyneckandreleasedmywrists.Hejumpedtohisfeet,turningtofaceTyler.
Isatup “Thisiswhatyouhadplanned?Letyourfriendsthrowmearoundonelasttime?”
Tylerdidn’tlookatme,hisgazewaslockedonJulian.“Itoldyounottohurther.Itoldyouweneededherinonepiece.” “Iwasn’tgoingtohurther,”hesaid “Iwasjusthavingabitoffun” “YoutouchheragainandIwillbreakallofyourfingers,”Tylersaid.
“Soyou’retheonlyonewhogetstohurtme,huh,Tyler?”Idon’tknowwhyIsaidit,butitwaslikesomethinghadsnapped. IwasonmyfeetnowandTylerstillwasn’tlookingatme.“Youbastard,answerme.”
HelookedoveratmeandIcouldseetheangerinhiseyes.Hewasfurious.Thelookwasenoughtosendalittleshudderof fearthroughme TherewasawarningtherethatIhadn’tseenbefore Irecoiledandtookastepback.“Leavemealone.Bothofyou.”
Tyler grunted “Out,Julian”Hepushedhisfriendtowardthedoor beforeturningbacktolookatme “Youstayhereand youdon’tleave.Iwilltakeyoutotheceremonyandthenyouwon’tbemyproblemanymore.”
JulianandTylerwalkedoutthedoor,slammingitbehindthem.Assoonastheyweregone,Itookabreath,lettingmyguard downalittle.MywholebodywasshakingandIwasneartears.Thiswasnevergoingtoend.AslongasIwashere,Iwasa target.Iwasgoingtoendupjustlikemymomorworse.IhadtogetoutofherebutIneededtodoitonmyterms.Ihadnoidea whatgameTylerwasplaying,butIwasn’tsurehowmuchmoreIcouldpushhim
Ihadnochoice.I’dwaithereandgotothestupidceremonyandwheneveryoneelseshiftedandraninthewoods,I’drun theotherway
MY SKIN FELT itchyand I had to fight against the claustrophobic feelingof beingtrapped inthe shittytrailer I grew up in Restlessnessseepedintoeveryinchofme,makingmefeellikeIneededtoclawmywayoutofthisplace.Theminutesseemed tocrawlby I’dwaitedsolongforthisdayandIhadaplan Iwantedoutthesecondthemoonrosehighenoughtobreakthe wardsthatkeptmeprisonerhere.Instead,IwasfacedwithshowingmyfaceatthestupidFirstMoonCeremony.
Istood,myancientbedcreakingandgroaningasIrose.Runningmyhandthroughmyhair,Ipacedinthetinyspace.Waiting wasahiccup,butitdidn’tchangemyplan IwasstillgettingoutofhereassoonasIcould Itjustdelayedmeafewminutes A fewhoursatmost.Assoonastheothersshifted,IfeltconfidentIcouldleavewithoutissue.
I’dneverattendedaFirstMoonCeremonybutIhadsomeinformationaboutwhattoexpect Onlythosewhoweremaking the firstshiftor alreadyshifted packmembers were allowed to attend. The Alpha and Beta always attended, alongwiththe newmembers Theirfamilyusuallycametoexperiencethefirstshiftwiththemandsometimesfriendsorotherpackmembers wouldjoin.ItwastechnicallyopentoanyonewhohadshiftedbutfromwhatI’dheard,itwasgenerallyasmallgroup.
Witha ceremonyeverymonth, itwasn’ta bigdeal for the whole packbutitwas for the familyofthe newlyshifted. I’d heardabouthow humansthrew bigpartiesforsignificantbirthdaysorgraduations Wedidn’tdothathere Whenwefinished highschool,theyhandedusourdiplomaattheendofthedayonthelastdayofschool.Noceremony,noparty.Just see you in the fall Theonlythingthatmatteredtothepackwastheabilitytoshift
Soyoucanimagine how useless a wolfwhocan’tdothatone thingis.Andnobodyhere letme forgetit.MymomandI werealoneinthiscurse,theonlymembersofthepackunabletoshift Itwasaterriblewaytogrowup WhenIwasinmiddle school,I’dspenthoursatthelibraryreadingaboutpossiblewaystobreakthecurse.I’dwantedtofitinsobadly.Therewere veryfew suggestions onbreakingthe magic. Findinga witchto do itwas possible and there were people who thoughtthat completing a mating bond might be enough, but none of my research seemed strong enough to follow up on It was all theoretical.
Bythe time I reached highschool and saw kids I grew up withgo throughthe change, I realized I didn’t want to stay Bonding with your wolf was supposed to be this great gift. It amplified your strengths. I noticed it also amplified your weaknesses.Kidswhowereassholesbeforetheshiftwereevengreaterassholesafter.Peoplewithhighsexdrivespre-shift werenowsneakingintothebathroomsbetweenclassestohaveaquickie.Thosewhowerealreadyloudneverseemedtoshut uppost-shift.Yougetthepicture.Amplifiedstrengthsandweaknesses.Abunchofhorny,angrydickwadsrunningaround.Why wouldIwanttobelikethem?
AdoorcreakedandIstoppedpacing,myheartthunderinginresponse.HadJuliancomebackinagainstTyler’swishes?I grabbedthebaseballbatIkeptonthefloornexttomybedandcrepttowardmydoor Thankfully,Ikeptthehingesonmydoor well-oiledanditopenedquietly.Ipeekedoutjustintimetoseemymomclosethedoortoherbedroom.
MythroattightenedandIclosedthedoor,leaningbackagainstit.Shedidn’tbothertocomeoutandhelpmewhenIwas fightingagainstashifter,butsheduckedoutinthequiet.Likelytore-fillhercoffee.ItwasprobablygoodthatIwasn’tplanning toreturnhere.Shewasn’tworththerisk.Iwasbetteroffwithouther.
ItseemedliketheshiftersoutsideweregoingtofollowTyler’sorderstoleavemebe Therewasnothingtodobutwait I laiddownonmybedandclosedmyeyes.MaybeIcouldatleastgetalittleextrarest.
Somehow, I managed to fall asleep I wasn’t normally a napper, but I suppose it was easier when there was literally nothingelsetodo.Ilookedaroundmynowdimroomandrubbedmyeyes.Therednumbersonmyalarmclockshowedthatit wasalreadyafterfive.HowthefuckhadImanagedtosleepallday?Maybeitwasthestress.IguessitwashelpfulsinceI’d nowbeabletostayupallnightifittookawhiletofindaplacetocrash
Igrabbedmybagandventuredoutofmyroom.Mymom’sdoorwasopen.Isupposedshe’dleftatsomepoint.Forthefirst timeallday,Ididn’tfeelupsetorhurtbyherlackofconcern I’daccepteditforwhatitwasandwasfullyreadytogetthefuck out.
Nosenseintryingtoavoidmyjailersbysneakingouttheback.IwalkedrightoutthefrontdoortofindKylewaitingalone. HewassittinginthedyingporchswingandjumpedtohisfeetwhenIapproached.
“Where’dtherestoftheidiottripletsgo?”Iasked Heshrugged.“Theyjusttoldmetowaitforyou.”
“Do we have to waitfor themto returnor canyouhandle walkingme to the barnyourself?” Three ofthemreallywas overkill.Kylewastheweakestofthethreebuteventheweakestshifterhadthestrengthofatleastthreehumans.Alittleflicker ofjealousyroseinsideme Iwantedthatstrength IfIshiftedandbondedwithmyinnerwolf,Icouldfightbackandactually haveashotatprotectingmyself.Maybeeveninflictingthesamekindofdamagetheydidtome.Itwouldbeamazingtobeable todefendmyselfandkicksomeass.Butthatwasn’tpossible.
FirstonmylistwhenIcouldafforditwastojoinsomehumanfightingclasses Icouldn’tfightoffshifters,butIcouldat leastmakesureIwouldn’tbetheweakesthumanwhenIsettledinmynewhome.
“Yougoteverythingyouneed?”heasked “Iassumeyou’rerunningafter” Iliftedmybag.“I’mready.Let’sgetthisoverwith.”
KyleandIwalkedsilentlyawayfromthetrailerparktowardtown Theceremonytookplaceinawidepastureareanextto abarnthatwasmoreruinthanactual barn.Itwasaprimelocationfor shiftingbecauseitwasrightnexttothehugewooded areathatcoveredtheentiresouthsideofthemagicalbarrier.
Ihadwantedtomakemyexitontheothersideoftown,awayfromthewolves,butIcoulddecidemoreonceIsawwhich waytheyran.Iknew therewasagoodchancetheguestsattendingwouldshiftandrunwiththenew wolf.Istill wasn’tsure whyTylerwasinsistingIstayedforthis
“Hey,what’sreallygoingonhere?”Iasked.“WhydoesanyonecareifIattendtheceremonytonight?”
“Ijustknowthealphawantsyouthere,”Kylesaid.
“Don’tbullshitme.Thealphadoesn’tcarewhereIamorwhatIdo.ThisisTyler.Why?”
Kyle shrugged. “Youknow what I know. He told us there was somethingabout needingall the packmembers who had birthdaysbeforethismoontobeinattendance”
“Youreallydon’tthinkforyourselfever,doyou?”
“Youdon’tknowwhatyou’retalkingabout,”hereplied “Sure, Ido. You’re the tag-along. Juliangotthe mark. He’ll be a Beta one dayor anenforcer atthe least. You? You’re nothing.YouhangaroundTyler hopinghis status will liftyours butwithouthim,nobodyevengives youa secondglance.” It was true. Kyle had beenthe weird kid, onlya step above me whenwe were younger. Sometime around the end ofmiddle school,he’dsuddenlybeenwelcomedintoTyler’sgroup.
“Whatexactlydoyouprovidetothegroup?Iknowtheydidn’thaveyoujoinforyourfiercenessorstrength” “Shutyourmouth,reject,”hesnapped.
“Istruckanerve,didn’tI?”Iliftedabrow “Forreal,though,I’veneverunderstoodit Youaren’tthesameasthem” Iusedtothinkhewasn’tsobad.ThatchangedassoonashemadefriendswithTyler.Whilehisfisthitmelessoftenthan Julian’sorTyler’s,Kylehaddonehisshareofthrowingmeagainstwallsorknockingmybooksoutofmyhands.Hewasas badastheothers,Ijustmisseditatfirst
“Stoptalking,Lola.You’regoingtomakethissomuchworsewiththatmouthofyours,”hesaid.
“YourfriendJulianseemstolikemymouth,”Isaid Kylestoppedwalking.“Forreal,Lola.Foronceinyourlife,stoppushingbackandmaybethey’llgoeasieronyou.” Istopped and stared athim, mybrow furrowed as Itried to read his expression What was it exactly? Was he scared? Nervous?Angry?ItwasamixtureofemotionsIcouldn’tread.WhatIwouldn’tgiveforthatwolfabilitytoreadpeopleright now.
“Whatdoyouknow?”Iasked
“Ican’t,Lola.Youdon’tknowwhatthey’ddotomeifIkeeptalking.TheonlythingIcantellyouisthatyouneedtowatch it”Hestartedwalkingagain Ihurriedtokeepupwithhim.Ifeltlikehe’dgivenmesomeinformationbutitwassovague,Icouldn’tdoanythingwithit. Iwonderedifitevenmattered WhateverIwaswalkinginto,itwasprobablygoingtosuckwhetherIopenedmymouthornot
ACE GRANT, Tyler’s dad, and our pack’s alpha, was standingoutside the barnwitha small group ofother shifters whenwe arrived.IquicklyfoundTyler,Julian,andMarionReed,myclassmatewhosharedthesamebirthmonth.Inadditiontothem,I recognizedMarion’s parents andthe other shifters present Itwas a small townafter all,andevenifIwas anoutcast,Istill kneweveryone’sname.
JennyOrtega,thehighpriestess,wastheonlypersoninthegatheredgroupsmilingatme.She’dalwaysbeenpleasantwith me,butneverkind Ofalltheadultsintown,shewastheonlyonewhomighthavebeenabletospeakuponmybehalfandgo againstthealpha.Sheneverdid.Tomakemattersworse,everythingIknewaboutthemoongoddessandgeneralshifterreligion camefromwhatIreadinbooks Iwasn’tallowedtoattendotherceremoniessinceIwasn’tconsideredafullwolf NotthatI foughthardagainstthat.Mostofmyclassmatescomplainedabouthowboringtheywere.But,itwasanotheroneofthosethings thatshowedhowIdidn’tbelong
“Whyareyouhere?”Aceaskedashewalkedtowardme.“Ithoughtyou’dbelonggone.” IcockedaneyebrowandturnedmygazetoTyler.“WhyamIhere,Tyler?”
“She’sabrokenwolf,butshe’sstillpack Sheneedstobeherefortheceremony,”Tylersaid “Shedoesn’tbelonghere,”Acesaid.
“I’mhappytoleaverightnow,”Isaid
“Whatifthe curse breaks? Whatifshe shifts? We should know ifthere’s another shifter outthere fromour pack,” Tyler said
Acenarrowedhiseyesandseemedtostudymeforaminutebeforelookingbacktohisson.“Yoususpectthespell wore off?”
Tylershrugged “Youwanttorisklosingawolfwhenwe’reonthedecline?”
Thatwasnewstome.Iknewlotsofyoungerwolveschosetoleave,butIdidn’tknowtheycared.“Youdon’twantmeand honestly,I’veneveroncefeltthewolfstir ThecurseissolidandI’manembarrassment Justletmego” “Youaremightyanxioustoleave,littleone,”Acesaid.
“Gee,Iwonderwhy?Everyoneherehastreatedmelikedirtsincebirth.YouthinkIwanttostickaround?”
Iignoredthegaspsfromtheonlookers.Sure,IwasriskingpissingoffthestrongestwolfherebutIwasdone.Andhonestly, itwasn’tlikehecoulddomuchworsetomethanhisassholekidhadbeendoingforthelastdecade.
“Youstay Ifyoudon’tshift,youleaveandneverreturn”Aceglaredatmeasifthiswassomekindofdarkpunishment “Yougotit,boss,”Isaid,withfartoomuchsarcasminmytone.
Ace’supperliptwitched,butheturnedawayfromme IwonderedifhefiguredIwasn’tworththeeffort
Itwas better thatwayfor all ofus.He didn’twantme here andIdidn’twanttobe here.Tyler was delusional.Ipeered overathimandcaughthimlookingatme.Heturnedawayquicklyandpretendedhehadn’tbeenwatchingme. Irolledmyeyesandbitbackthehuffoffrustration.Whateverhewasplayingat,itwassuccessfulatpissingmeoff.That wasprobablyhisendgame.Beatingmeupandlettingmeleavewasn’tenough.Hewantedtoreallytortureme.Whichmeant, makemesitthroughthedumbceremony IsupposedhethoughtI’dbeallweepywatchingeveryoneshiftwhenIcouldn’t He didn’tknowhowgladIwastobegettingawayfromallthis.Iwantednothingmorethantoliveanormal,boring,humanlife. Standingofftotheside,IwaitedaseveryonemadesmalltalkandavoidedthespotofgrasswhereIwasstanding Thesun was low inthe horizon, paintingthe skya gorgeous orange and blue. Itwas a stunningsunsetbutIwas far too impatientto appreciateit. Come on, moon, rise
Finally,theskywasdarkenoughandevenIcouldfeelthepullofthemoon Itwastiny,butitwasthere,callingtothewolf buriedandbounddeepwithinme.Icouldn’tfeelthewolf,butIcouldfeelthemoon.Itwasastrangesensationanditmademe a little sad Fightingback,Isendthe feelingaway,sendingitdeepdowninside me Fuckthat Iwas abouttoembarkonmy journeytobeafullhuman.Allofthiswouldbebehindme.
“Itis time to welcome a new full wolfto our pack. Tonight, we embrace our twinsoul, our wolf, and runwithour new sisterasshebeginsthebondingprocess.”Acewasinthemiddleofthegroupofshifters.Theyseemedtogravitatetowardhim ashespokeaboutthefirstshiftanditssignificance
Iwantednothingtodowithanyofit.Keepingmydistance,Iignoredtheprettyspeechesandapplause.Instead,Ifocused myattentiononthemoon Hadthemagicworkedtobreakmefreeofthisplace?Intheory,itshould,evenwithoutashift Ijust wouldn’tknowuntilIcrossedoutofpacklands.
SomeonegrabbedmyarmandIjumped,returningmyattentiontothepresent Tyler’slargehandgrippedmyupperarm I tuggedmyarmaway,tryingtofreemyselffromhisgrip.“Letmego.”
“So youcanbolt the moment the spell breaks? I don’t thinkso.” He pulled me toward the group. “Youwait here until everyonehasshifted Youdon’tleaveamomentsooner”
Iknewtherewasagoodchancehiswolfwouldforcetheshiftassoonashereactedtotheothers.Hewasnewtothisand whilehewasstrongenoughtoresistthemoon,heprobablywasn’tstrongenoughtoresistseeinghisalphashift
Jennyliftedher hands intothe air,sendingdozens ofgoldbangles slidingdownher wrists andpoolingnear her elbows. Theymadeamelodicsoundastheyshiftedandmovedwithher motions Theothersweresilent,staringather EvenIfound myselfmorefocusedonherthanTyler’sgriponmyarm.
“The goddess shows us favor this night,” Jennysaid. “The wolfbornoftonight’s moonwill be a powerful force inthe universe”
MarianlookedsmugandshebattedherlashesinTyler’sdirection.Iresistedtheurgetohurl.Everywomanaroundourage wantedtobethenextmatetothealpha Itwasenoughtomakemelosemylunch Wait Ididn’teatlunchtoday ButIstillfelt sickatthethoughtofanyonebeingpermanentlystuckwithTyler.Nobodydeservedthatkindofeternalpunishment.
“Pack,family,newwolves,itistimetoconnectwithyoursoul’stwin,yourinnerformfreed.”Jennyloweredherhands.“It istimetoshift.”
Whoops andcheers rose fromthe groupandeveryone startedtostrip.I’dbeenraisedaroundshifters mywhole life.I’d seenmostofmyclassmatesnaked Istillwasn’tafanofit Probablybecauseittendedtoaccompanysomethingawfullikegym classornakedtagorgodsknewwhatelse.Whenpeoplestartedgettingnaked,itwasmyqueuetoleave.Ididn’tneedtobethe onlyoneinhumanformaroundabunchofwolves
“Goon,then,”Tylersaid.“Thisisyourchancetotry.Seeifyoucandoit.”
“Areyouserious?”Istaredupathim.Inthemoonlight,hiseyeslookedsilverandhishandsomefeatureswereevenmore stunning.Ofcoursetheywere.Ofcoursetheworld’sworsthumanbeingwouldgetalltheattractivegenes.
Thesoundofbreakingbones,crackingandsnappingsoundedlouderthanusualinthesilenceoftheevening.Iwinced,then forcedmyselftolookTylerintheeye “Goshiftwithyourfamily Leavemebe”
“Youdon’tbelonghere,”hehissed.
“Yet,you’retheonedelayingmydeparture,”Ireplied
Howls exploded around me, echoinginto the starrynightsky. Theywere staggered atfirst, thencame outunified as the packsynchedup.
IturnedawayfromTylertoseethatweweretheonlypeopleinhumanform Therestofthememberspresenthadshifted Witha single howl,a huge blackwolftookoff,boltingtowardthe woods.Ace’s wolfwas guidingthe others away,intothe woods,wherethey’drununtildawn
Iexpectedtoseeallthewolvesgivechase.IevenexpectedtoseeTylerbreakdownandjointhem.Ididn’texpecttosee twowolveslingerbehind,movingclosertomewithcarefulsteps
“Julian,Kyle,nicetoseeyou,”Isaid.“Isupposeyou’restupidenoughtofollowthisassholearoundevenwhenyou’rein yourmuttform.”
Thewolves growledatmebutdidn’tadvance Ituggedatmyarmagain,tryingtopull awayfromTyler butheheldfast Stupid shifter strength.
“Well, this has beenfun, butas yousee, Ican’tshift So ifyoudon’tmind, I’mgoingto leave and never see anyofyou again.”Itriedtopullmyarmawayagain.Tyler’sfingersdugdeeperintomyarmanditstartedtohurt.Iwasgoingtohavenew bruisesinthemorning “Tyler,youprovedyourpoint,nowletmego”
“Iwouldlovetoletyougo,butthere’saproblemwiththat,”hesaid.
Iwasoutofpatience.“I’mdonewithyourgames.Igetthatyouwon’thaveanyonetothrowaroundanymorewhenIleave, butit’stimetomoveon Buyapunchingbag,joinagym,takeupmeditation Dosomethingelsetogetouttheseangerissues”
“IwishIcould.IwishIcoulddoanythingelsebutholdontoyourightnow.You’repatheticbutIthoughtjustmaybe,ifyou shifted,Icouldfeelsomethingotherthandisdainforyou,”hesaid
“Whystartnow?”Ituggedatmyarmagain,justincase.Stillstuck.“Look,we’vehadagoodrun.Let’skeephatingeach otherandendit.”
“WhenIhadmyfirstshift,Istartedfeelingthepull butIignoredit.ThemoreIignoredit,theworseitgot.Ithoughtfor sure,itcouldn’tbetrue.Butthen,everytimeIpushedyouorhurtyou,IfeltthepainasifIwasabusingmyself.Fateisacruel
mistress.”Tylershookhishead.
“Whattheever-lovingfuckareyoutalkingabout?”Tylerhadsnapped.Alltheseyears,Ithoughthewasjusthateful.Turns outhewasinsane Wonderful Iwassoclosetogettingoutofhereandthecrazyfuturealphawasgoingtobemyundoing “Don’tyougetit?”Tylerwasscreamingatmenow.
For the first time since he grabbed me, fear gripped me, making my chest feel tight I looked over at the two wolves standingnexttous,awaitingordersfromtheirleader.Iftheywantedtotakemeout,therewasnothingIcoulddotostopthem.I didn’tevenhaveahopeofoutrunningthem
“Tyler,please,”Iwhispered,tryingnottorilehimup.“Letmego.”
“Iknowyoucan’tshift,butIthoughtforsureyou’dfeelit.Iguessthiswillmakethingseasierformetobreak.”Heseemed tobetalkingtohimselfratherthanme,buthistonewascalmernow
Iwaited,afraidtosayordoanythingthatmightresultinmyneckbeingsnappedorawolf’sjawclampeddownaroundan importantartery
Tyler grabbed hold ofmychin, turningitso Iwas facinghim. His eyes seemed to lookinto myverysoul. “Youare my mate”
IT WASN’T POSSIBLE Therewasnowaythefateswerecruel enoughtoputthetwoofustogether Hehadtobemessingwith me.Besides,ourpacktookmatingbondsveryseriously.Ifawolfwasluckyenoughtoformabond,itusuallymeantincreased strengthandotherperks Thingslikepossiblyevenbreakingcurses Hehadtoknowthatmyth.Hewastryingtogetonelastdigatme.“That’safuckedupthingtojokeabout,evenforyou.”
“Iwishitwasajoke,”hesaid.“Iwasn’tcertainuntilthispastweek.Aswegotclosertothetimeyoushouldhaveshifted, mywolfmadeitprettyfuckingclearwe’resupposedtobetogether”
Myinsidestwistedasmyemotionswenttowar.Therewasatinyglimmerofhopetryingtofightthroughtheothernegative emotions IhatedTylerandIwantednothingtodowithhim Thethoughtofbeingintimatewithhimmademyskincrawl But therewasthatrumoraboutthebondbreakingthecurse.I’dgivenuplongagoofeverfeelingmywolfrisetothesurface.I’d longagoresignedmyselftoahumanexistencefreeofmagic
Whatifhewastellingthetruth?Whatiftherewasawaytogetmyabilitytoshiftback?“You’resure?You’renotmessing withme?”
HissmirkwasviciousandItookastepbackwithoutthinking Hefinallyreleasedhisgriponme Iknewthatlookwell It wasthesameself-satisfiedhalf-smileheworeeverytimehebeattheshitoutofmeforfun.
“You’relyingtome”EvenasIsaidthewords,Ifeareditwasn’ttrue Tylerwasalotofthings,butIdidn’tthinkhewould usesomethingassacredasamatingbondforsport.Itwasraretofindyourmateatall.Itwasn’tsomethingmostwolveswould bewillingtojokeabout
“Now, I’d heard the rumor that a matingbond could breaka curse. Imean, you’re attractive enough, you’re a little too mouthy, but that could be fixed witha few beatings.” He moved closer to me and Kyle and Julianstepped closer as well, closingmein
IfTylerthoughtI’dwillinglychoosetobehismatewithaspeechlikethat,hewasinsane.“I’dneversubmittoyou.”
“Itdoesn’tmatter There’s onethingaboutyouIcouldnever overlook You’rebroken Youwon’tbeanygoodtoanyone withouttheabilitytoshift,”hesaid.
Ikeptmymouthshut.HewasclearlyenjoyinglisteningtohimselfspeakandI’drathergetthiswholecharadeoverwith.
“Ifbringingyouheretonightonthefullmoonaroundyourmateandalltheothersdidn’tforcetheshiftbeyondtheconfines ofyourcurse,nothingwill.So,you’reuselesstome,”hesaid.
“Sothat’s whyyoubroughtme here Totestyour theory?” The momentofhope was longgone EvenifbeingwithTyler meantfreeingmywolf,itwasn’tworthit.Nothingwasworthenduringbeingshackledtothisasshole.“Well,itfailed.Soifyou don’tmind,I’llbeonmyway”
“That’stheotheroddthingaboutmatingbonds…”TylersteppedawayfrommeandKyleandJulianmovedevencloserto me,oneoneitherside,boxingmein.Bothwolveshadtheirhacklesupandtheygrowledatme.
The hair onmyarms stood onedge. Somethingwas verywronghere. Tyler had me surrounded bywolves and we were alone.“JustletmeleaveandI’llneverreturn.Likeyouasked.”
“I’mafraidIsuggestedthatbeforeIknewthatinorderformetobefreeofthebondtoyou,youhavetodie Andhere’sthe reallyfunnypart:Ican’tkillmyownmate.”
“Thereareotherwaystoseverabond,”Isaid “YouknowIdon’twanttobematedwithyou I’lldowhatittakes” Heshookhishead.“Andriskyougettingasecondchancewithanewmate?Orworse,havingeveryoneknowIformeda bondwithabrokenwolf?Idon’tthinkso.”
Ididn’twaittohearwhatwascomingnext Itookoffatarun WhatchoicedidIhave?Tylerwasn’tgoingtoseereason withthis.Cursingmyselffornothidinginthewoodslastnight,Iracedforward,eyesonthetreelineahead.
Inthedistance,Iheardawolfhowlandseveralhowlsresponded Myheartracedfaster Therewerewolvesalloverthese woodsandIknewKyleandJulianhadtoberightbehindme.IwasinsanetothinkI’devergetoutofthisplacealive.Nowthat
Iwassoclosetofreedom,Iwasn’treadytogiveintotheeternalsleepofdeath.Iwantedtoknowwhatitwasliketonotfeel likeIwasawalkingtargetatalltimes.IworkedmyassofftomakeitthisfarandIsureashellwasn’tgoingdowneasy.
That’s whenIfelta jaw close inonmycalf, teethbreakingthe flesh, sendingburningpainwiththe force Iwas pulled back,landingfacefirstinthedirt.Iwasabletobreakmyfallwithmyarms,butmyrighthandtwistedonimpactandIheard thesnapasmywristbroke
SearingpainmademyvisiongoblackforamomentandIcriedoutinagony.Mylegfeltlikeitwasonfirefromthebite andmywristsentshootingpainthroughmyarm “Oh,fuck!”
Grabbingmyinjuredwrist,Irolledovertofacemyassailant.Inthenearlypitch-blackdarknessoftheforest,Icouldjust makeoutthreehugewolveslookingdownonme,pantingandgrowling.Tylerhadjoinedhisfriendsinwolfform.Droolfrom oneofthebeastslandedonmycheekandIwipeditawaywithmygoodhandbeforereturningtocradlingmyinjury
I tried to scoot awayfromthem, but the movement sent a freshwave of painthroughthe bite onmyleg. I winced and hissed “Ifyou’regoingtokillme,youmightaswellgetitoverwith”
Oneofthewolves,adarkgraywolf,whowasthelargestofthethree,tookoff,leavingmewiththeothertwo.
“Sohe’smakingyoudothedirtywork?”Iasked “That’llgooverwellwhenyourgrandchildrenaskforstoriesaboutyour youth.Like,hey,rememberthattimewekilledyourUncleTyler’smate?Youtwoarepathetic.”Ispitatthewolfnearestme.
Thecreaturegrowled,thenwentformyarm,bitingdown.Iscreamedandtriedtopullawaybuteachmovementmadethe pain more intense Suddenly, the second wolf clamped down on my other armand my vision blurred as the pain crashed throughme.Thewolvesstartedtodragme,pullingmeovertherockyandroughterrain.
Rockstoreupmyback,thornscaughtinmyflesh,chunksofhaircaughtonthegroundbutthewolvespulledmeon,forcing thehairtoripfrommyscalp.“Letmego,youassholes!”Iyelledatthembetweengaspingthroughthepain.Everythinghurt.My bodywasbrokeninmultipleplacesandeachjostleoverthegroundsentfreshwavesofagonysurgingthroughme.Soon,the discomfortwastoointenseandIfoundmyselfinandoutofconsciousness.Itwasasifmybodywastryingtoprotectme.Or maybeIwasatdeath’sdoor.
Whentheyfinallyreleasedtheirjaws,Iwasdumpedontheground,inthedirt Everyinchofmybodyhurt Myarmsand legsfeltliketheywereonfireandmyheadthrobbed.Myskinwasstickywithbloodandsweatandallmyopenwoundswere fullofdirt EvenifIsurvivedthis,infectionwouldsetinifIdidn’tgetmedicalattention Iknewallthis,butIcouldn’tmake myselfmove.Rollingtomyside,Itriedtocatchmybreath.Maybetheyweredonewithme.Maybethey’dleaveandhopeI’d die.IfIcouldfindsomestrength,Icouldlimporcrawloutofhere,right?
Ilookedaround,tryingtoassessmysurroundings.Wewereoutofthecoverofthewoodsnow,somewheredifferent.The fullmoonwassobrightIcouldseeeverythingclearly.Infrontofmewasahugerockformationthattookupmostofmylineof sight Behindme,wasthewoods Ihadn’tbeenthisfarbefore Wewereeitherattheborderofpacklands,orwe’dventured beyond.
“Areyoudeadyet?”Tylerasked Iturnedtoseethreenakedmenwalkingtowardme.Tylerlookedsmugbuthisfriendsdidn’tlookasconfidentastheyhad whentheystartedallthis.
“What’swrong?Neverseenagirlbeattodeathbyhermatebefore?”Isnapped “You’retheoneswhodidthistome” “Ican’thurtyou,”Tylersaid.“IlearnedquicklythatifIinflictpainonyou,ithurtsme.” “You’reacoward,”Isaid “Youdidn’thavetodothis Whatkindofamanhurtssomeonewhocan’tfightback?” “You’vefoughtbackplentyovertheyears.Whystopnow?”heasked.
“YouknowI’mnomatchforanyshiftersolo,letalonethethreeofyou”TalkingexacerbatedthepainIwasfeeling,butas longasIwaskeepinghimtalking,hewasn’thurtingme. Tylerkneltnexttome.“Icanbeagenerousman.”
“You’reamonster,”Ispat
“Icouldhavethemkillyounow,ifthat’seasierforyou,”hesaid.“Or,wecantossyouinthecave.Ifyougetout,you’ll survive Otherwise,you’llperishliketheotherswhoweresentencedtotheirdeaths It’sfitting,really Theplaceyouandyour whoremothershouldhavebeensentyearsago.Thennoneofthiswouldhavehappened.I’dneverevenhaveknownyou.Think ofallthepainyou’dhavebeenspared”
Ishouldhaveknowntherockformationwasthecavewe’dallgrownuphearingabout.Theplacereservedfortraitorsand theworstoftheworst.Supposedly,therewereexits,butnobodyhadeverfoundtheirwayout.Itwasadeathsentence. “TheonlyreasonIhadpainwasbecauseofyou Youmadeachoice,”Isaid “AndnowIgiveyouachoice.Caveordeath?”
“Youknowwhatafarsethisis?Thatcaveisdeath,”Isaid “Soyou’dratherfaceaquick,mercifuldeath?”hemused. “Therewasnothingmercifulaboutanyofthis,youbastard,”Isaid.
“Kyle,killher,”hesaid.
Ilookedover towhereKyleandJulianwerestandingandwas surprisedthatKyledidn’tmove.Mybrow
watchedhisreaction.HewasgoingagainstTyler.
“I’lldoit,Ty,”Juliansaid.
“IaskedKyle,”Tylersaid “Yousaidweweregoingtoscareher,”Kylesaid.“Youdidn’tsayweweregoingtodothis.” “Areyoudefyingyouralpha?”Tylerasked
“You’renotanalphayet,”Isaid.“Nobodyeversawthemark.You’reafraud.Ican’twaituntilsomeonecomesandknocks youandyourfatherfromyourpedestal”
Tyler stood thenkicked me inthe stomach. Igroaned, and reached to cover myself, makingmybrokenwristtwistinthe process.Iscreamedassharpagonyshotthroughmyarm.
“Thathurtmetoo,Lola Whydoyoumakemedothat?”Tylerwaskneelingnexttomeagain Hebrushedastraystrandof hairawayfrommyeyes.“Ifonlyyouhadshiftedtonight.Thingscouldbesodifferentforus.”
Ispatinhisface “I’dneverbewithyou” Hegroanedandstoodashewipedmyspitfromhisface.“Youbitch.Julian!” “Stop”IknewJulianwouldfinishthejobifgiventhechance “Putmeinthecave” “Slowdeath?”Tylersoundedsurprised.“HereIthoughtyou’dtaketheweakerwayout.”
“Onlyyouwouldthinkdeathofanykindshowedweakness.”Iglaredathim.“I’mgoingtosurvivethecaveandthenI’m goingtocomebackforyou”
TylerkickedmeinthestomachoverandoveruntilIcouldn’tbreathe.Atfirst,itwasnothingbutpain,thenIcouldn’tfeel anythingatall Itwasasifmybodyhadgivenup
Whenhe finallystopped, I was barelyhangingonto consciousness. The copper taste of blood coated the inside of my mouthandIwasprettysureTylerhaddamagedsomeofmyinternalorgans.
“I’dlovetoseeyousurvivenow,crazybitch,”Tylersaid.“Getherinthecave.”
EVERYTHING HURT butIwasn’treadytodieandIknewthecavewasadeathsentence Iturnedonmyside,tellingmyselfthatI wasfine.Ididn’thaveabrokenwristoratornupbackorbitemarksonmyarms.Iwasjustimaginingit,right?Okay,fine,I stillfeltlikeIwasnearingdeath’sdoor,butIhadtotry
KyleandJulianwerepushingonahugeboulderthatsealedofftheentry.NowthatIknewitwasthecave,itwashardto misstheobviouslyplacedstonethatactedasadoor.
TurningmyattentionfromKyleandJulian,IlookedoveratTyler Hewaswatchinghisfriends,oblivioustome IfIwas goingtoattempttorun,thiswasit.Holdingmybreath,Ibracedforthepain.
Wincing,Ipushedmyselftostandingas quietlyas Icould Alreadypantingfromthestrain,Istoodonshakylegs Witha quickglanceatthedistractedshifters,Itookoff.
Thesearingpainescalatedwitheachpumpofmyarms,butIforceditdown Ihadtogetawayfromthesepsychowolves Under thelightofthefull moon,Iwatchedfor rocks andkeptmygazeonthetreeline.Itwas unlikelyI’dactuallygetaway fromthem,butmyplanwas differentthis time.Insteadofhopingtoavoidother shifters,Iwas hopingIcouldrunintosome witnesses AsfarasIknew,itwasstillagainstpacklawtoattempttokillme Tylerandhisthugshadneverpushedthingsquite thisfar.
AndasmuchasIhatedtousethematecard,Iknewitwasdefinitelyagainstpackrulestotrytokillyourmate Youwereto protectthatbond.Matedpairsresultedinstrongerwolves,notonlyforthebondedpair,butalsofortheiroffspring.EvenifI couldn’thavechildrenwhocouldshift,openingthedoor toallow amatetotreattheir partner thewayTyler treatedmewas dangerous.EvensomeonelikeAcewouldhavetoseethat,right?
MyfootcaughtonarootandIwentdown.InstincthadmecradlingmybrokenwristsoIlandedonmyrightshoulder.More painsurgedthroughmeandalltheadrenalinethathadbeenkeepingtheotherinjuriesmanageableseemedtowearoffatonce Witha whimper, Itried to pushmyselfup. Everythinghurtand mybodydidn’twantto cooperate. Ilaythere inthe dirt, breathingheavy,listingtothepoundingofmyheart Thiswasit IguessIdidn’tneedtobetrappedinacavetodie Mybody wasgivinguponme.“Fuckme.”
“No,Idon’tthinkIwill,”Tyler’svoicecamefromsomewhereinthedarkness.“IfIdidthat,itwouldsolidifythemating bond,andthenwherewouldwebe?Insteadofbreakingthebond,I’dspendmywholelifemissingyou.Whowantsthat?”
“Justletmego,Tyler,”Isaid.“I’llseverthebondwhenI’mawayfromhere.”
“Ican’ttrustthatyou’dtakecareofitonyourend,”hesaid “LikeIwanttobebondedtoapieceofshitlikeyou,”Ihissed.
“Pickherup,takeherback,”Tylercommanded Shadowyfiguresshroudedindarknessmovedinthedistance.Astheydrewcloser,myheartjackhammeredinmychest.I thoughtofmyselfasafighter.EvenifIdidn’talwaysfightback,Iknewwhentofightandwhentocutmylossestoliveanother day.
I’dplayedadangerousgameofbalancemywholelife.Iknew whentopullbackandIknew whenretaliationwasworth the risk Now, Iwas staringcertaindeathinthe face and all the fightwas gone Ididn’tsee a wayoutofthis Myinjuries weren’tgoingtoallowmethesliverofachanceandTyleralreadywantedmedead.NobodywasgoingtoholdbackifIfought. The cave, while a deathsentence was myonlychance atpullingthrough The thoughtflitted inand outofmymind ina heartbeat.Iknewitwasfutile.Iwouldneversurvive.I’dstarvebeforeIfoundawayout;andthatwasifmyinjuriesdidn’tkill mefirst.
Julian’sfacehoveredabovemine “Timeforyoutodie,littlewhore” “Fuckyou.”Ispatathim.Hey,justbecauseI’veacceptedthatI’mgoingtodie,doesn’tmeanIhavetobehappyaboutit. Julianwipedthespitoffhis face,thenrosetohis full height Hekickedmeinthesameshoulder thathittheground,and thenkickedmeinthebackandstomach.
Sometimearoundthefourthoffifthkick,Imusthaveblackedout.AsmyeyesflutteredopenandIwoke,IrealizedIwas moving.EachstepjostledmeandIwincedasfreshpainbloomedwitheachmovement.Iwasslungoversomeone’sshoulder, beingcarriedlikeasackofpotatoes
“Icanwalk,”Isaid,myvoicecomingoutdryandgravely.
“No,youcan’t,”Kylesaid “Youmightaswellconserveyourenergy” “Why? So it takes longer for me to die in the cave?” I asked. “Do you feel good about this? You do realize you’re a murderernow”
“I’mnotamurderer,”hesaid.
“You’releavingmetodie.Justbecauseyou’renotstabbingtheknifeinmyheartyourselfdoesn’tchangeanything,”Isaid. “Shutuporyou’llmakeitworse,”hehissed
“YousaythatasifI’mnotdeadalready,”Ireplied.“DoyoureallythinkIcangetoutofthis?”
Myheadwasspinningandeverythingfeltevenmoreunsteadythanitshoulddespitemycurrentpredicament
“I’msorry,Lola,Idon’thaveachoice,Ihavetofollowmyalpha.”Kylesoundedalittlesad. Iwasn’tabouttolethimfeellikehewasthevictimhere “Firstofall,Tylerisnotthepackalpha Second,hedoesn’thave thefuckingmarkorhe’dhaveshownittoeveryone.”
“Nobodyelse has the markso he’ll be alpha bybirth,” Kyle said. “Look, I know youdon’t deserve this, but just stop fighting”
“You’reaprick,youknowthat?Youactlikeyou’retryingtohelpmebutyou’rejustasbadasthem,”Isaidthroughgritted teeth
“Youknowthat’snotthecase,”hesaid.“I’mnothinglikethem.”
“Ohyeah?Thenwhydidn’tyoustandupformewhenIwastenandTylergavemetwoblackeyes?Wherewereyouwhen Julianpushedmedownthestairsorbrokemyribs?OrthetimeyoustoodbyandwatchedwhileTylerheldmeunderthewater inthelakeuntilIpassedout?”
“I’mtheonewhodraggedyoutoshore,”hesaid “Doesn’t make youa good person,” I said. “It makes youa weakfollower. Youstood byand did nothing. One time of savingmedoesn’tundoallthehurtyouweresilentfor”
Kylestopped.“We’rehere.”
“Nocomment?”Iasked.
“I’mputtingyoudown. Don’t bother running. Julianis inwolfform.” Kyle shifted me so Iwas brought downfromhis shoulder.
Assoonasmylegshittheground,theygaveway Kylecaughtme,andstabilizedme “Don’tevertouchmeagain.”Ipushedhishandsawayfromme.I’dratherfallthanbehelpedbyhim. “Stubborntothelast,”Tylersaid “Andanuttercowardtothelast,”Ispat.
Tyler’snostrilsflaredandheletoutalowgrowl.“Don’ttestme.”
“Fuckyou”Itwasn’tmybestcomeback,butwhocanarguewithaclassic?
Tyler moved closer to me and Iheld myground. Notbecause Iwas tryingto be overlybrave, butbecause betweenthe throbbingpainandblurredvision,Iwasn’tsureIwouldstaystandingifItriedtomove “I’mgoingtobeoverjoyedwhenIfeel ourbondbreak.Youwerelivingonborrowedtimealready.I’mjustfinishingthe jobmyfathershouldhavedone”
Iglaredathim.TherewasnowayIwasgoingtoletTylerknowhowmuchhe’dhurtme.Inafinalactofdefiance,Ididthe onlythingIcouldthinkofthatmightcausehimanykindofpain.Igrabbedhisheadandpulledhimintoakiss.
Icouldn’tfeelthematingbond,butIknewthephysicalcontactwouldmakeitstronger WhenIdied,he’dfeelthepainof losingamateandhe’dhatehimselfforit.
Tomysurprise,hishandsgrippedmyhips,pullingmybodycloser tohis Hislipsmovedwithmine,deepeningthekiss Heatroseinmychest,andtinglesspreaddowntomycore.
Hishandtraveledupmybackashistongueslippedintomymouth Fingerstangledinmyhair,hepulledmeevencloser ThekisswashungryandangryanditfeltlikeIwasreleasingallofthepentupaggressionIhadforhimintoonefartoosteamy kiss.
Mylipsfeltbruisedasheatgrewintothekiss Tyler’sstubblewasroughonmycheeks Ihatedhimwitheveryounceofmy beingandIputallmyemotionsintothemovementofmylips.
Iwasthefirsttopullaway,breakingtheconnection Eyeswide,Istaredupathim,expectingtoseethefireofhatredI’d gottenusedtoseeinginhisgaze.Instead,Isawlust.
Andthatscaredmeawholelotmore.
“YouthinkI’llspareyou?”hewhispered,hisvoiceheavywithpassion.
“No,Ithinknowyou’llbeforcedtomournme,evenwhileyoustillhateme,”Isaid.
Hepushedme,knockingmetotheground.“Getherinthere.Makesureshecan’tleave.Sealitwell.” Juliangrabbedmyarmandpulled.Iscreamedasmyshoulderleftthesocket.Hedidn’tstopdraggingme. IwassomewherebetweenconsciousnessasIwasdroppedinthecavebutIforcedmyselftomyknees Musteringevery lastbitofstrengthIhad,Iglaredatthethreewolves.“YoudorealizeI’mcomingforallofyouwhenIgetoutofhere.”
Tyler andJulianlaughed InoticedKyledidn’tjointhem Heknew thiswaswrong,buthewasn’tanybetter Hewasthe onlyonewithenoughofaconsciencetospeakupbutheremainedsilent.
“Lockherin,”Tylersaid “Enjoydeath,littlewolf”
Itriedtostand,butmybodywouldn’tletme.Iwasrunningonpureadrenaline.“You’renoalphaandeveryoneknowsit.” “Goodbye,Lola.”Tylerwassmilingastherockrolledintoplace.
Iwasalone,inthedark Itookafewdeepbreaths,lettingmypulsecomebackdown AsIrecovered,thefullspectrumof painsurgedthroughmeandIcollapsedontheground,lettingthetearscome.
Iwasbroken,bleeding,andalone Ihadtwochoices,waitfordeath,ortrytofindawayoutofhere
After giving myself a minute to wallow, I returned to my knees and shuffled forward. There had to be some light somewhere Evena tinycrackthatletinthe moonlight IfIhad anychance ofgettingoutofhere, Ineeded to see whatmy injurieswere.
Slowly,Imademywaythroughthedirtandrocks,fightingthegrowingsenseofdespair.That’swhenthegroundgaveway andIwasfalling I’dmanagedtocrawlrightoveraholeinthecavefloor WhenIhittheground,Inolongerfeltanypain.Theneverythingwentblack.
