To those of you, who like me, have started fresh a thousand times after what we thought were the worst things possible… Light is at the end of the tunnel, you just have to believe you can get there. Strength is learned as you go, and it doesn’t matter how many times you fall down
Just so long as you get back up afterward
CONTENT WARNING
This series is a new adult, dark contemporary romance with off the charts, stomach churning angst, enemies to lovers themes, some scenes of bullying It also contains scenes and references of abuse/sexual assault, assault, death and suicide that some readers may find triggering, along with graphic sex scenes, cursing and violence
Staringoutover the edge ofthe bluff, the wind whips around me as the waves crashbelow Curlingmytoes into the long grass,Iclosemyeyesandliftmyarms,lettingmyminddriftawayonthecuttingbreeze. Dare You to Move bySwitchfoot blastsfromthespeakersofmycarandI’veneverresonatedwithasongasmuchasIhaverightnow.
Thesoundofthewavescrashingonthejaggedrocksbelow soothesmeforamoment.ThebeachwasBrody’sfavoriteplace and beinghere reminds me ofhim;the sounds, the smells, it’s like he’s here withme. Inthose seconds, Ifeel a little less... alone. Whichis all I’ve felt for months, evenif I’ve beentryingto fill that hole withmindless distractions. But still... I’m alone,evenwhenI’msurroundedbypeople
Don’t let go of your sunshine, Tali. It’s what makes us yin and yang. HisvoicefillsmyheadandItakeanotherstepawayfromtheedge.Thenanother.Andanother.UntilIreachthecar,clingingto hisvoice,hisfavoritesongplayingonrepeatstill
He was myconstantinthe whirlwindthatwas our lives We mighthave bouncedaroundthe globe,butwe always hadeach other.
I’ll always be with you. I’m the thunderstorm and you ’ re the sunshine, Tali.
Yinandyang.
Balance.
Myotherhalf.
Mytwin.
Takenwaytoosoon.
After Iput mysocks and boots backon, Iclimb backinto the car that has become mypersonal fortress ofsolitude since I landedhereinSpringCreekthreemonthsago Theengineroarstolife,themusicasloudasitwaswhenIgotout,loudenough to blockoutthe thoughts thatchase me inthe darkestoftimes the one thingthatsaves me time and again and Imake the journeybacktowhatismeanttobemynewhomeforthenextyear
Have a hot girl summer, they said What’s the worst that could happen, they said Fairlycertainthatwhenmydad dropped me offwithhis highschool bestfriend, Ruby, for the few months before mynew schoolwouldtakemein,asummeroffuckerywasn’texactlywhathehadinmind,butwell...hewasn’theretosayagoddamn thing
Except,mysummer flingendedupbeingwiththeguyIwasn’tsupposedtofall for fuckeduptheretoo becauseitwasn’t evergoingtobeanythingserious.Well,hesupposedlywantedtogetoverhisex,andme?Ijustwantedtoforget...everything. Therestishistory.
Grabbing my phone from my pocket, I snap a picture of them together, because there is no way Callie will believe me otherwise,thenfinishthelastofmycoffeebeforedumpingthecupinatrashcan.
WhoamIkidding?Thisyearisgoingtosuck Brodyshouldbeherewithme ThisisthefirsttimeI’mstartinganew school withouthim.ThepanginmychestisenoughtoalmosttakemetomykneesasIwhite-knucklegripmysuitcase.
Myroomis onthe top floor, whichconsists ofthree halls, eachwithtwenty-four rooms, and mostrooms hold two to three girls.Somehavefour,butthey’renotcommon.Atleastthat’swhatthe‘dormsister’,Nicolette,whowelcomedmeexplained assheshowedmetomyroom.
Imake a mental note to thankDad thoroughlyfor the stellar choice indorm, because Iguarantee some people have private bathrooms.Thisplacereeksofmoneyandthere’snowaysomeofthepeopleherewouldshareabathroom.
Itake inthe map ofcampus, whichis bigger thanIthoughtitwould be, the listofall the teams available to tryoutfor, the classesavailable,includingtheselectedsenior-onlyelectiveclassestohelpwiththatlastchancepushforanIvy.
N Feldman: Your appointment with your academic advisor
P Bassett: Talia!Let’s schedule some time!
Itaponthesecondone,addingmyappointmenttomycalendarfortomorrowmorningwithMs NatalieFeldman,myacademic advisor, and apparently head of year, along with a reminder that my uniform will be available to be collected at our appointment
Welcome to Arbour. I do hope you’ll enjoy your time here. When your father told me he’d taken my suggestion for your schooling, we were overjoyed You’ll be much closer to us here, so I hope we have a chance to visit
Ilaughagain,this time loudenoughthata few people walkingpastme turntolookatme like I’mcrazy.Well,little dothey know,Iam Notthepsychokind,atleastIdon’tthinkso,butthefunkind Still crazyiscrazy,right? Shakingmyhead,Ireadhermessageagain
Not exactly great for those of us who are directionally challenged, which, unfortunately, is definitely something I can be describedas Myinnercompassisofficiallybroken IttookmeallsummertocometogripswithgettingaroundSpringCreek, andnowIhavethisplacetoworkout.
Ishudder atthe thought, because well, this is mylife, and ifthe lasteighteenmonths are anythingto go by the worstis a fuckinghellscape.
CHAPTER TWO
Staringblurryeyed over the cafeteria, waitingfor the coffee inmyhandto reachmysenses, Iscroll aimlesslythroughyet another dopaminehitvideoonmysocials,thankful for myAirPods soIcanlisteninpeace There’s nothingquitelikean earlymorningscrolltostartyourdayafteranightofalmostzerosleep.
Watchingrandompeopleontheinternettalkaboutrandomshitgivesmewaymorejoythanitshould,butit’sadistraction,and since Ican’tgo for anearlymorningswimyet Idiscovered yesterdaythatthe pool doesn’topento the bulkofthe student bodyuntilThursday Makesnosensetomebutgofigure thisismycurrentroutine
Admittedly,foraTuesday,there’sbeenmorepeopleandwaymoredramathanIwould’veexpected,butIguessthat’sthejoy ofa new school,evenone as supposedlyprestigious as Arbour.Everyone has their shit,butrarelydoes itspill outquite so spectacularlyasthis I’vealreadyseentwobreakupsandoneveryPDAmakeup
I choke back a laugh at the David Attenborough style voice in my head Jeez, I’m a dork sometimes Looking back up, thankfullynooneispayingattentiontome,butthatdoesn’tmeanI’mnotpayingattentiontothem.
It’sthetypicalcliquesfromwhatI’veseensofar.Thenerdtable,whichisusuallywhereI’ddrifttoward,butit’sdaytwo,so I’mstillscopingtheplaceout;thejocktable,thoughmostlyemptyatthemomentexceptforthreeguyswholooklikethey’ve alreadybeentothegymandareproteinfuelingnow.Atleast,that’smyassumptionfromtheshakesandgiantplatesofeggsand sausage; there’s the indie table; the alts; the musicians, all the usual players, and I’msure whenit's not ass o’clockinthe morningtherewillbeevenmoretofillthegaps.
ThequietargumentI’vebeensubtlywatchingplayoutforthelasttenminutesbetweenthedark-skinnedjock-typeguyandthe tiny-yet-terrifyingmanic pixie girl who stormed inhere before shakingher phone inhis face is mycurrententertainmentof choice Noideawhotheyare,butfromwhatIcantell,hehadalittlefunoverthesummerandsomeonesentheravideo
Stupid decisions lead to stupid outcomes, Jock Type
“Come on, Allie. It’s not that bad,” he says, scratchingthe backof his neck. Oh, he’s British. Sounds like anEast London accent ifIhad to guess, and oof, do Ilove those. “But like, thanks Iguess. Iwas wasted, lettingloose, we’d just wonthe championship ”
She glares athimand a snortescapes me atthe fear onhis face caused bythis tinygirl. Theybothglance over atme for a momentandIswearmyheartpoundsloudenoughforthemtohearit.Afterasecond,theydismissmeandfaceeachotheragain whileIhidebycontinuingtoscrollandkeepingmyheaddown well,atleastenoughsotheyignoreme
Looking around the room, I find Jock Type glaring over at me, so I decide to get out of here before he comes and says something There'saragesimmeringbeneaththesurfacewithhim,Icanseeitinhiseyes,andI so don’twanttobetheperson thatgetstoexperienceit.
Thankfully,her office isn’tfar,soImake itwithtime tospare andtake a seatonone ofthe chairs outside Ifiddle withthe stringsonmyhoodiewhileIwait,tryingnottofeelscrutinizedaspeoplewalkby,obviouslystaringatthenewgirl.Imean,I could totallybe a freshman, exceptIdefinitelydon’tlooklike a freshman, and fromwhatI’ve seenofArbour so far, most peoplehereknoweachotherbeforetheygethere
Ilookup,spottingwhoI’massumingis Ms.Feldman.The jeans,t-shirtandcardigancombomakes her seemoddly...warm. Maybeit’sthesmile,orthekindeyesbehindherblack-rimmedglasses,orevenhowsheclutcheshercardiganaroundher,but sheseems nice
“That’sme”Standing,Igrabmybagandwalkpastherwhenshepushesthedooropenandmotionsformetoenter Heroffice is cozy. The deskinthe middle, the plants dotted around the room, the artonthe walls;itmakes itlookless sterile-schoolofficeandmorecreative-at-homeworkspace
“Please,takeaseat”Shesmilesassheroundsherdesk,sittinginthecomfy-lookinggraychairontheoppositeside,andIdrop down into one of the equally cozy chair-shaped beanbag things in front of me. “So, new to Arbour for senior year. I can imaginethat’sbothexcitingandtough,buthavenofear IwantedtomakesureIsaw youbeforeanyoneelsesowecouldget yousituatedaswellaspossible.I’vegoneoveryourtranscripts,lookslikelotsofschoolsfromaroundtheworld.”
“Yeah, my parents like to travel,” I respond, trying to seemupbeat and avoid the conversation of just how messed up my parentalsituationreallyis.
Thankful for the change ofsubject, Idive into the conversationwithas muchenthusiasmas expected, lettingher know that currently, Ihave absolutelyno idea whatIwantto studyatcollege, butthatIabsolutelywantto go We go throughmypast classesandextracurricularsandworkoutwhichoftheclassesIwantedaselectivesthisyeararestillavailable.
I mean, there’s an Olympic-size pool at a fancy-ass boarding school, it was never going to be dingy, but it’s like its own freakingarea.Theseparatedivingpool,thestandsformeets,andaseparatepracticepool.It’skindofinsanejusthowbigthis placeis.
Theyall startspeakingover eachother againandIpress mylips together tostopfromlaughing Yeah,Iamnotoneofthose girls. I catch Coach’s eye and nod before heading out of the building, hearing her blow her whistle again before telling everyonetoleave
There are more people here now, but myspot was still thankfullyempty Reject corner maybe, but Idon’t give a fuckifit meansmypeacecontinuesforalittlelonger.RejectmightbeahappybannerIwearthisyear,especiallyifitcomeswithless dramathanlastyear
Lookingup, I find three guys staringdownat me The one I raninto is so hot I forget how to speak, but he sneers at me, muttering“newgirl”underhisbreathashewalkspastmelikeI’mlessthandirtonhisshoe.
Why are the hottest ones always assholes?
The other two lookateachother and the dark-haired one shrugs thenfollows asshole number one, while the blond rubs the backof his neck, staringafter the other two. Lettingout a huff, I move to stand as he offers me a hand. “Sorryabout that, darlin’.He’shadabadmorning.”
Itakehishand,becausewhynot,andashotofelectricityseemstorunupmyarmwhenwetouch.Like,damnhe’sprettyand I’veheardofsparks,butshit.PullingbackmyhandasquicklyasIcan,Itrynottoletitshow.Ialreadymadeanassofmyself once
“Anytime,darlin’.Seeyouaround.”Hewinksatmeashetipshishead,hissoutherndrawlmakingmethinkifhewaswearing a hat, he’d be touching the brimof it, then strides across the roomafter his friends to where Dillon, Evan, and the jock I watchedgetcussedoutearlierare.
head toward mylocker to drop off mybooks for today’s classes. Whoever thought of startingthe first school weekona Wednesdaywaseitherageniusorentirelycrazy Ihaven'tdecidedwhichyet ThefirstbellsoundsbeforeIgetthere,soIpickupmypace,knowingthatmyfirstclass,EnglishLitwithMr Hallisrightnext tomylocker,soIshouldmakeit.
I glance backat mymap, hopingI’mgoinginthe right direction, whenI walkinto what feels like a wall before bouncing backward,droppingontomyasswithanoof,andletoutagroanformystupidity. Lookingup,IrealizeIdidn’twalkintoawall
ThevoicesaroundmefinallyfilterintomymindastheanxietylessensandIliftmyheadtotakenoteofthepeoplearoundme. Oneupsideofuniformsisthateveryone’swearingthesamething,butit’sstillprettyeasytoseewhohereisfrommoneyand whoisn’tfromthewaypeoplehaveaccessorized.BeitthePradabags,ortheLouboutinshoespairedwiththeblackandblue uniforms,orjusttheairofI own this place thatsomanypeopleherenaturallyhave. Mostpeopleintheroomhavethatexactvibe,buttheyalsoallseemtobefriends,orattheveryleastknoweachother.
“Welcome to your senior year, most of you know me, but for those that don’t, I’m Mr. Hall. Same rules as always: pay attention,dothework,andkeepyourphonesputaway Followthemandwewon’thaveproblems Breakmyrules,well,then we’llhaveproblems,andI’dreallyrathernot.IhopeyoualldidthereadingIsetbeforesummer,otherwisetoday’spopquizis goingtosuckforyou”
Anerrantgroanfromthenextrowdrawsmyattention,andIseeayoungerversionoftheteachersittinginachairatthebackof the room. His amber eyes glint inthe sunlight, his square jaw set indefiance as he glares across the room. The onlyreal differencebetweenthetwoistheyoungerversion'shairisalittlelongerandnotslickedback.ThatandtheinkIseepokingup overthecollarofhisshirt
“Somethinglike that,” she says witha shrug, that sunshineyexterior goingice cold “People here are unforgiving, and they don’ttendtoforgeteither.LikeIsaid,Arbourisasmallplace.”
Iglance across the roomas Dillonand Evanenter withwho Iassume are other baseball players, consideringthe matching lettermanjackets.“You’retellingme,”Imutterbeforetakinganotherbiteofmyburrito.
What is with the new girl thing? Here’s hoping it doesn’t become a thing. “Fuckoff,Lexi,”Torygrowlsasshepusheshertrayawayfromher.Theothergirls ooh and ahh,andIgulp. Somuchfornodrama.
My disappointment disappears quickly. While I might have enjoyed watching other people’s drama, I like to enjoy it with popcornfromadistance,notgetdraggedintoit
“Well, while this was justfascinatingand informative, ladies, thankyoufor the warning, butIshould getgoingtoo,” Isay, mourningthelossoftherestofmyburritoasIwrapitupbeforeputtingthelidonmybottleandtuckingitbackinmybag “See youaround.”
Ihaven’tmadefriends,butI’malsonotthatworriedaboutit.FriendswerealwaysBrody’smainfocus,butthisyearisn’tabout friends for me It’s about graduating with the best GPA I can, getting my extracurriculars in top form to keep my college applicationspaddedwhileIdecidewhatIactuallywanttodowithmylife,andsomehowmanagingallofthatwithzerodrama. Shouldn’t be too hard, right?
Whichreminds me, Ineed to startmakingsome decisions aboutwhere I’mapplyingand lookover the requirements. Which alsomeansIshouldprobablystartthinkingaboutwhatthehellitisIwanttomajorin
