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THE TRUTH IN MY LIES
It’s beenmonths since SethByrne’s boyfriend ghosted him. Sethis still angry, buthe’s worried too, because whenAndrew Kellerdisappeared,he completely disappeared Disconnectedphone Emptyapartment Abruptdeparturefromhisjob Gone Untiltonight.
DetectiveBrandonGaineswassupposedtobeAndrewKellerfortherestofhislife.Afterbeingmarkedfordeathbythewhite supremacistcops he tried to bringdown, he was putinto witness protection. Whena chainofevents returns himto his old identity,Brandondoesn’tknow whoheis anymore Now he’s caughtbetweentwoidentities thatdon’tfit,andnothinginhis worldmakessense exceptthewayhefeelsaboutthemanheleftbehind
The Truth in My Lies is a standalone gay romantic suspense novel.
CHAPTER 1
SETH
“Bro, it’s been months. ” My housemate, Marcus, watched me across our small kitchen, his eyes full of sympathy. “You’ll probablyfeelalotbetterwhenyoustartputtingyourselfoutthereagain”
IshookmyheadandreturnedmyattentiontothesandwichIwasmaking Iwasn’tevenallthathungry,butIneededtoeat after my long shift or I’d feel like crap later. As I went through the motions of arranging ham, lettuce, cheese, and some condiments,Isaidover myshoulder,“I’ve looked,okay? IdownloadedTinder,andIlookedthroughit,but…” Isighedas I shookthemustardbottlebeforeputtingsomeonthesandwich.“Man,I’mjustnotthereyet.”
Istartedcollectingjarsandpackagestoreturntothefridge,andIshothimalook “We’vebeenoverthis Like,ahundred times this weekalone” Ipaused to puteverythingaway As Imoved myassembled sandwichto the kitchentable, Iadded, “I’veneverhadabreakuplikethis.Idon’tknowhowtogetoverit.”
“Howisitdifferent?”Marcuslettheexasperationshowthistimeashedroppedintotheotherchair.“Thatasshole ghosted you. Justbecause he was too muchofa coward to tell youto your face whyhe was leaving, or evensend youa damntext, doesn’tmean ”
“It is different” Iglared across the table athim “Itwould be one thingifhe juststopped talkingto me Buthe’s gone Like gone Ican’tevengettothepartwherehe’sacowardandanassholebecauseIcan’tstopthinkingsomethinghappened tohim.”MyvoicewaveredalittleasIwhispered,“I’mworriedabouthim.”
“Seth.Mydude.”Marcusgroanedandcoveredhisfacewithbothhands.Thenheletthemfalltothetable,andhemetmy glare.“Wouldyoustopbeinga copaboutthis? Don’tyouthinkyouofall people wouldknow ifsomethinghadhappenedto him?”
Iavoidedhisgaze.Hehadapoint,andhe’dmadeitdozensoftimesrecently,butitstillgratedbecauseyes,I should have knownifsomethinghadhappenedtoAndrew.WhichmeanteitherIwasanincompetentcopor… Orhereallyhadjustghostedthefuckoutofme.
Hegaveoneofthosesighs thatsaidhewas droppingitfor now,butthis wasn’tover.Itwas for tonight,butitdefinitely wasn’tover.
Ugh. I need to put in for night shift.
After another biteofmysandwich,Isaid,“Sohow arethingsgoingwithLisa?”Marcushadalsosplitwithhisexafew monthsago,andhe’dbeenslowtotakehisownadviceandputhimselfoutthereagain Thatis,untilLisahadstrolledintohis life very recently and convinced him to give her a shot. Now she was apparently helping him move the hell on from whatshernamebywayofsome way too-loudsex,andMarcuswassuddenlytheresidentexpertongettingoverpeople.
Hesippedhisbeer.“Well,thingswouldbebetterif ”
Thedoorbellcuthimoff
Webothglancedtowardthefrontdoor,thenlookedateachother TheinstinctsI’dhonedasacophadpricklesofparanoia creeping up my spine. Contrary to what this job tried to convince me, though, the vast majority of people showing up unexpectedlyatdoorswerenothomeinvaders,scammers,murderers,orwhatever.Still… “Youexpectinganyone?”Iasked.
“No”Marcus’s lips quirked,andthenhestoodas his expressionbrightenedseveral degrees “Lisaprobablyjustgotoff earlyanddidn’ttext.Berightback.”
Withmyheartinmythroat,Iopenedthedoor,andforthefirsttimeinalmostfivemonths therehewas He looked different now. Clean-shaven instead of with that ever-present short beard. His hair was lighter more of a reddishblondthanthedarkbrownIremembered.
Where have you been? Iwantedtodemand,butallthatcameoutwas,“Andrew?” Heshiftedhisweight,hisleatherjacketsqueakingwiththemovement.“Hey.” Westaredateachotherforalongmoment.Ihadnoideawhattosay.Hedidn’tseemallthatsureeither. Finally,heasked,“CanIcomein?”
“Yeah.” He dropped his gaze, and thatwas whenInoticed the thickmanila folder he’d beencarryingunder his arm. I’d seenit,butithadn’treallyregisteredontopofeverythingelse.Heputitonthetableandrestedhishandsontopofit,andhe stareddownatthemashedrummedhisfingers
So,yeah,hewasnervous,justnotinthewayasuspectwaswhenhewastryingtoliehiswayoutofacornerhe’dbacked himself into. Whichmeant whatever he’d come to tell me, it was probablythe truth. And that made me nervous, because I suddenlywasn’tsosureIwantedtoknowwhyhe’dvanishedintothinairorwhyhewasbackagaintonight
Hekepthisgazedown,stillintentlywatchinghisthumbworkatthecornerofthefolder.“Theshortversionisthatsomeone figured outwhere Iwas Or, well, theyfigured outIwas inwitsec, and the marshals decided theyneeded to relocate me in casemyidentityandlocationhadbeencompromised Theyshowedupatmydoorandtoldmewehadtoleaverightnow”He pushed outa ragged breathand metmygaze again. “Iwanted to call you. Ididn’twantto leave thatway. Buttheytookmy phone as soonas theyshowedup,andanyway,there was notime.Iliterallyhadtime topacka couple ofsuitcases,andthe marshalssentsomeoneintograbeverythingelsewhiletheygotmeoutoftown.”
Ijuststared, completelyunable to process all this ThoughI’d never had anydirectexperiences withit, Iwas generally familiarwithhowwitnessprotectionworked Still,itwasonethingtobeawareoftheprocess Thissituation?Findingoutmy
I closed the folder and pushed it backtoward him. There was more behind that first page a lot more, judgingbythe thickness butIdidn’twanttoseeit.Ireally,reallydidn’twanttoknow.
Tappingmythumbsontherentalcar’swheel,InumblydrovethefamiliarstreetsofCoeurd’Alenetowardthemotelwhere I’d checked in earlier I wasn’t sure what I’d expected tonight How I’d thought Seth would react I just knew I hadn’t anticipatedhimcalmlytellingmewewerestrangersandthenkickingmeout.
He was a cop He had to understand how witness protectionworked and whyI hadn’t beenable to breathe a word to anyone noteventhemanIloved aboutwhoIreallywas.Intellectually,thewholethingprobablymadeperfectsensetohim.
Butemotionally…Imean,seriously: could Iblametheguy?
Ididn’t.Ihonestlydidn’t.Iwasn’tangryathim.Itjustfuckinghurt.WitheverydaythathadpassedsinceI’dleftIdaho,I’d knownmyodds of beingforgivenwere growingslimmer After five months had gone by, I’d had little hope he’d evenbe willingtospeaktomeorhearmeout Forgivenesswasahellofalongshot
Andnow…
Well,nowIknew.
So…
Nowwhat?
IkeptcirclingbacktothatquestionjustlikeIkeptcirclingfamiliarstreetsandneighborhoods Thishadbeenhomeatone time.ThemanI’dbeenforthepastfiveyearshadmadealifehere.Ihadpeople.Friends.Coworkers.Favoriterestaurantsand coffee shops. I’d learned all those intricate details thatcame withsettlinginto a place the shortcuts and backroads, what timestoavoidcertainplacesbecauseoftraffic,wherenottoeatonSundaymorningsunlessyouwantedtowaitoutthechurch crowd Iknew thatone hill where the cops liked to lurkand bustpeople speeding, includingOfficer “Idon’tcare ifyou’re datingoneofmycolleagues thespeedlimitisthirty-five”Hey,itwasworthatry
Tonight,Iwas grabbingholdofeveryfamiliar fragmentofmypastlifeandclingingtoit Earlier,beforeSeth’s shifthad ended, I’d probably gotten some weird looks while I’d snapped photos of seemingly randomthings on my phone. No one blinked while I’d loaded up myphone withshots of the Lake Coeur d’Alene waterfront like a tourist, but I didn’t imagine peopleusuallytookpicturesofthatonebookstoreonWestSunsetorthesandwichshoponAppleway.Ifanyonehadasked,I’d havesaiditwasforanartprojectoratravelblogorsomething Somucheasiertoexplainthanthetruth,whichwasthatIfelt untetheredandneededtorememberthedetailsoftheplaceI’dspenthalfadecadeinastranger’sshoes Asifthephotoswould reassuremethattheseplaces hadexisted.That I hadexisted.ThatmyfirstdatewithSethreallyhadhappenedatthatcoffee shop,andthatthebestFrenchdipsandwichI’devertastedhadcomefromthatrestaurantoverthere.
AllIhadleftofthisplacewerethelandmarks.Thebuildings.Thesigns.Thestreets.Someofthemweregonenow,too.In themonthssinceI’dleft,myfavoriteItalianplacehadshutdown,andthatvintageclothingshopwasnowataxprepservice It shouldn’thavehitmeinthefeels,seeingthosebuildingswithdifferentnamesonthem,butitwaslikeanotherpieceofmypast
blinkingoutofexistence.
ThoseseeminglysmalllosseswereheaviernowasmyconversationwithSethranginmyears.Hehadn’tchangedsinceI’d beengone,butIhad Iwassomeoneelsenow NolongerAndrewKeller Onpaper,IwasBrandonGainesagain Inpractice,I wasn’tsure who Iwas.
Intheory,therewasonlyonethinglefttodo gobacktoValecroftandtrytopickupthepiecesofthelifeI’dleftbehind halfadecadeago.ExceptValecroft hell,everythingbackhomethathadoncebeenfamiliar wasmilesandmilesoffaded memories.Alotofthesignsandbuildingslookedthesame,butenoughhadchangedthatitwaslikeI’dsteppedintoaparallel universe where my hometown was just different enough to leave me unbalanced If it was possible for a city to be in the uncannyvalley, thatwas whatValecroftwas to me now almostright, butjustwrongenoughtofeel like somethingoutofa nightmare.
And thatwas to saynothingaboutthe people. Iknew their names and faces, buta lotoflivinghappened infive years. Marriages, divorces, babies, relocations, deaths. I could catchup onall of that eventually, I supposed, but I’d left a lot of complicatedemotionsinthepeopleIloved Itwasimpossibletoliterallyfakemyowndeathandthenstrollbackintopeople’s liveswithoutthingsgettingmessy,andeventhosewho’dwelcomedmebackwithopenarmsatfirsthadstillkeptmeatarm’s length.
Goingbackinto witsec was anoption Mywitness inspector myhandler, basically had encouraged me to stayinand had warned me against leaving, since there was always that risk, however small, that someone still had it out for me If I changedmymind,thewitsecdoorwasstillopen,atleastforawhile.
Ihadoptions,butIcouldn’tgohome.Homedidn’texist.
And now Ihad confirmationofwhatI’d beenbracingfor all the wayto Coeur d’Alene thatmyrelationship withSeth was,likeeveryoneandeverythingelse,inthepast
Exhaustionwasstartingtosetin,andmyemotionswereamess Ireallyshouldn’thavebeendrivinglikethis,soIheaded backto myroom. As muchas Iwanted to hitthe road and getthe hell outofhere, Ineeded to atleasttryto sleep. Falling asleep at the wheel didn’tactuallysound that bad except for the part where Imighttake somebodyelse outwithme. Selfpreservationwaslonggone,butthedesirenottohurtanyonebutmyselfkeptmealertandbetweenthelinesallthewaybackto themotel
After I’d keyed myself into the depressingly bland room, I sat on the bed beside my suitcase and stared at the pastelcoloredwall.Withouttheroadtoholdmyattention,mymindwasajumbleofthoughtsandworries,andIdidn’thaveanswers foranyofit.Ireallyhadnoideawhattodonow.Whattofeel.Whattothink.Despitetellingmyselfallthewayherewhatthe outcome wouldprobablybe,Ihadn’tevenrealizedhow muchhope I’dbeenhangingonthe possibilityofreconnectingwith Sethuntilthatpossibilityevaporated Untilhe’dlookedatmelikeastrangerandaskedmetoleave
AtleastI had myphonethistime.HadItakenthemarshalsupontheofferofanothernewidentity,thenthey’dhavekeptit like they did the first time around, along with my laptop and everything else It was too dangerous to hold on to anything attachedtomyoldlife anythingthatcouldidentifyme as thatperson They’dheldontothis one while Iwas intemporary
ExceptIwasn’tsurewhichofushadmetaphoricallydied Sethorme.Sethwasnolongerapartofmylife,butthemanI wasinthoseimages?Hewasgonetoo.I’donlybeenhimfor arelativelyshortwhile,butthatwasthemanwho’dfoundthe couragetoaskthatcutecopoutfor coffee Themanwho’dthoughthe’dblownitonthatfirstdatebecausehe’dbeensucha nervous,stammeringmess,buthadbeenhalfwaybacktohiscarwhenhe’dgottenthetextthatsaid, Let’s do this again soon
Thiswasn’thowitwassupposedtoplayout.I’dthoughtIhadanewidentityandthatwasthat.I’dexpectedtobeAndrew Kellerforever,butthenthingshadchanged.Thatidentityhadbeencompromised.SuddenlyI’dhadtoeitherstayinwitsecand startoverwithawholenewidentity,orgobacktobeingthemanIhadn’tbeenforhalfadecade.BeingAndrewKelleragain hadn’tbeenanoption Inthe end, he’d onlyexisted for those five years, and now he didn’t, and the sooner Imoved on, the better.
“I’msorry,Detective.”Oneofthemarshalswithmehadshakenhishead.“You’redatingacop.Ifitwereanyoneelse…” He hadn’thad to elaborate The whole reasonIwas inwitsec atall was because ofa white supremacistgroup thathad included numerous members oflaw enforcement And evenifthat weren’t the case, cops had access to resources civilians didn’t. Yes, the U.S. Marshals were extremely good at their jobs, and yes, I was virtually untraceable, but nothing was foolproof.Withthetechnologyavailabletoday,thereweremorewaysthanevertotrackdownsomeonelikeme,evenwhenI carefullystayedoffsocialmedia,avoidedhavingmyphototaken,andhadthoroughlychangedmyappearance.Icouldn’ttake unnecessaryrisks
Marcus whistled. He crossed the room and took the other end of our too-small couch. “So he really was in witness protection?”
I nodded slowly. “Yeah. And I guess the night he disappeared, the marshals yanked him because his identity was compromised” Itsounded painfullyoutlandishto myownears As ifsomeone had told me some wild conspiracytheoryor urbanlegend, and they’d beenso convincinginthe moment that I’d bought it But the minute I retold it to someone else, I realizedhowstupiditwas.
Herolledhiseyes “Look,I’vebeenreadytocrucifyhimifheevershowedhisfaceagain Thewayhedisappearedonyou Imean, there aren’ta lotofexcuses for whathe did where I’d be like, ‘okay, yeah, dude deserves another shot’Doinga
Ithoughtaboutit.“Yeah.Itis.BecauseifIlethimstarttellingmethetruth,howdoIknow that isn’talie?HowdoIknow he’snotgoingtocomeupwithsomecreativewaytosellsomeshitthatwouldotherwisepainthimasabadperson?”
Iscowled.Wasn’titlike halfanhour agothathe was tellingme for themillionthtime toforgetAndrew andmove on? I wanted to be irritated withhimfor the whiplash, but… maybe he was onto something. Maybe I was too caught up inmy emotionstothinkrationallyrightnow,andMarcuswasseeingsomethingthatwouldbepainfullyobvioustomedowntheroad AfterAndreworBrandonorwhoeverthefuckhewashaddisappearedagain.
Before I could speak, Marcus looked pointedly in my eyes. “Here’s the thing, Seth. You’ve spent the last five months twistinginthewindandnotbeingabletomoveonbecauseyoudidn’tknowwherehewasorwhyhe’dleft.Doyouseriously, trulybelievethatyou’regoingtobeabletomoveonifyoudon’tatleasttrytofigureoutwhohereallyis?”
Itookoutthebusinesscardmyex-boyfriendhadleftme,andIturneditoverandoverbetweenmyfingersasifsomething about it might explain something. I recognized the handwriting. It was almost eerie, seeing that reminded me a little of listeningtoavoicemailorsomethingfromsomeonewho’dpassedaway.
Whenthecalleventuallycame,Itriedtohaveasocialworkerpresent,butIcouldn’tgetsomeonewithmeandstillrespond promptly. Time to improvise. There’d been several pairs of shoes by the door, including some well-worn sneakers that obviouslybelongedtothe son.I’daskedifIcoulduse their bathroombefore Ileft,andonthe wayout,as I’dputmyshoes backon,I’dslippedmycardintotheboy’ssneaker,farenoughinthatnoonewouldseeit Ontheback,I’dwritten, Do you need help?
Notthreehourslater,myphonerang.
Turnedout,he’dbeendeliberatelyblastinghis music togethis neighbor tocall the cops,andhe’dhopedeverytime we camethatwe’drealizeDadwasabusingMom.Thekidhadapparentlytakenafewnastybeatingsasaresultofgettingthecops calledtothehouse,too
Ialso had to wonder ifthe PTSDthathe’d struggled withwas fromhis time inthe militaryafter all People could fake trauma,butthingslikenightmareswereinvoluntary Sowasbreakingoutinacoldsweatafteraseeminglybenignsound
Marcus was rightthat I’d never getover notknowing Ifthe last five months were anyindication, a future full ofthese questionswasbleakashellformymentalhealth.
Fuck.Ineededtotalkto…whoeverhewas.
IturnedBrandon’sbusinesscardover,andIstaredatthewordshe’dwritten.Thenameofthemotel.Iknewwhichmotel thatwas Knewexactlywhereitwas NineminutesawayifIdidn’tspeed But
Thentomorrow, Icould reachoutto him Talkto him See ifhe had more answers, or ifthose answers justraised more questions SeeifIwasbetterofftrustingmyfirstreactionandlettinghimgo,orifthatwassomethingI’dregrettoo Ihadnoideahowitwouldgo.Whathecouldpossiblysay.HowIwouldpossiblyreact. IthoughtI’dbeenconfusedwhenAndrewdisappeared. Ihadn’tknownthemeaningoftheworduntilI’dmetBrandon.
Iwouldn’t,though Iknewme Well,okay,Ididn’treallyknowmeanymore,butinthisrespect,Idid Noneofthepeople I’dknowninmytimehereanchoredmethewaySethdid.IfIwasn’tgoingtohaveafreshstartherewithhim,thenImightas wellgohavethatfreshstartsomeplaceelse.Where?Noidea.I’dheardcoastalOregonwasnicethistimeof Aknock on my door had me on my feet with my hand on my pistol in half a heartbeat. Shit. Now what? Had I been followed?
Cautiously, Irose, slippingmygunout ofits holster Icrossed the roomwithout makinga sound At the door, Ilooked throughthepeephole,andmyheartskipped.
No militia hitmen or dirty cops from my old precinct. No friends or neighbors who’d heard I was in town. No U.S. Marshalscomingtotellmetherewasanotherwindowlessvanseatwithmynameonit.
Iwasn’tsosureIwascapableofspeaking,butInoddedandstoodaside.Heglancedaroundasiftomakesurenoonesaw him Thenhesteppedintotheroom,andIshutthedoorbehindus
For longseconds,we stoodthere Lookingateachother Thennot Lookingateachother again Focusedonanythingbut eachother.
Fromhisbodylanguagealone,Sethwasstillwaryofme.HestudiedmelikeIwasbothacompletestrangerandsomeone who’dhurthim.ProbablybecauseIwasboth.Hedidn’tsit.NeitherdidI.Inthenarrowstripofuglycarpetbetweenthehard queenbedandthedresser,wefacedeachother Hefoldedhisarms,andforthelifeofme,Icouldn’tdecidehowtoreadthat Defensive and closed off, yes, but it had also beenkind of a habit of mine whenI’d still beena uniformed officer. It was somethingtodowithmyhands thatdidn’tmeaninadvertentlyrestingthemonor near aweaponandmakingtheother person nervous.Foldedarmsweren’texactlyawarmandwelcomingposture,buttheywereastepupfromcasuallyrestingahandon ataserormypistolornexttoacanofpepperspray
He wasn’t smiling now, and it was a solid minute before he finally broke the silent standoff. Shifting his weight, he tightenedhisarmsacrosshischest Whenhisgazelandedontheholsteronmyhip,andhisjawtightened Heflickedhiseyes backuptomeetmine,andhisfeatureswerehardasheslippedintocopmode.“Youhaveapermitforthat?”
“Indiana has CCWreciprocitywithIdaho.” NotthatIwas concealingthe weapon, butIplayed along;he was probably tryingtofindsomekindofequilibriuminthissituation.Somekindofcontrol.Iwasn’tsurprisedhewasfallingbackonbeinga cop Keepingmyvoicecalm,Iinclinedmyhead “Doyouneedtoseemypermit?”
Fromthe way his jaw worked, I thought he might actually ask to see it All he said was, “So you really are from Indiana.”
“I am.” I’d told himas muchlast night, but he was probablystill tryingto absorb everything. Maybe evencatchme in anotherlie.Hardtosay.
“Yeah.”Ishiftedmyweight,tryingtosubtlyshakeoffsomeofthisnervousenergy.ThenIdecidedtoofferupanothercard: “Mywitness inspector saiditmade placingme a loteasier. Since Ihave a relativelyneutral accent, all things considered, I won’tstandoutinmostplaces NotunlessIwenttoAlabamaorsomething”
Hestaredatthenastyfloorbetweenusforagoodtwenty,thirtyseconds Finally,hespoke,hisvoiceuncharacteristically shaky:“Look,everythingyoutoldmelastnight Ibelieveyou Ido”Helookedatme “ButIdon’t know you What What doyouevenwant?”
Imoistenedmyparchedlips.Thatwasacomplicatedquestion.Ididn’tdaretellhimthewholetruth thatIwantedusto pickup where we’d left off because that would probablychase himright out the door. Instead, I gave himanhonest but incompleteanswer:“Youdeservedtoknow”
“Tell me whatyouwant,” he demanded. “Because Idon’tbuythatyoucame all the wayhere justtell me and then” he flailedahandtowardthedoor “rideoffintothegoddamnedsunsetlikeeverything’sokay.”
Oh,hell Maybekeepingthewholetruthmyselfhadn’tbeenagoodideaafterall “Okay. Well.” Irolled myownshoulders, whichhad beenpainfullytense for months now. “The God’s honesttruth…” I hesitated, runninga hand throughmyhair. “The truthis that I love you, Seth. Yeah, I maylookdifferent now, and I have a differentname,butthe manyouknew that’s still me.AndIstill love you.” Itooka deepbreathandmade myselfface him evenashurtandangerplayedoutinhisexpression “Maybeit’sselfish,butit’snot just thatI’minlovewithyou Beingwith youwastheonlytimeIeverfeltlike me Therestofthisidentity it’slikeconstantlywearingshoesthatdon’tfit Withyou,I didn’tfeellikeAndreworBrandon.Ijustfeltlikeme.AndImissthat.”
“And a completely different history, and ” He threw up his hands “I know how witsec works, okay? They erase
everything.”
“Yeah,theydo.Andyeah,I’llhavetofillyouinonmypast.Butyougottoknowmeoncebefore.AllI’maskingisforyou togettoknow meagain,andseeforyourselfthatevenwiththedetailschanging,I’m still themanyouknew”Ipaused,then decided to laydownall mycards: “Idon’tblame youifyoucan’tdo this because youdon’tknow me.” Voice wavering, I added,“I don’tevenknowme.”
Sethstudiedme,chewinghisbottomlip.
I wanted so badly to beg him to give me a chance, or to hear me out some more, or something I didn’t want to overwhelmhimwithinformation Ididn’twanttowithholdimportantthings,either Wherewerethelines?Howmuchwastoo much?Whenwasitnotenough?Thiswasn’tsomethingI’deverhadtonavigatebefore,andthe “how to talk to your boyfriend after your witsec cover is blown” sectionatthebookstorewas woefully limited. Heexhaledhard.“Ihavequestions.Alotofthem.”
Iwas afraid to askifhe was justsatisfyinghis curiosity, or ifhe was actuallyconsideringreconnectingwithme Either way,Iowedhimanyanswershewanted “Okay”
“For starters…” Leaningagainstthe motel’s shittydresser,he studiedme again,eyes slightlynarrowedthe waytheydid whenever he was tryingto read me. “The vastmajorityofpeople inwitness protectionare criminals who’ve turned state’s evidence.It’ssomethinglikeninetypercent,isn’tit?”
“Yeah AndItookthemon”Ishowedmypalmsandlookedhimrightintheeyes “Isweartoyou,Iam not acriminal I was notturningstate’s evidence. Ididn’tkill anyone.” Ipaused. “I… Okay, Ididn’t murder anyone. Whenmypartner and I werepinneddown,Itookouttwooftheguystryingtokillus,but ” “Sothatwasself-defense.Igetit.”
“Yeah” Iswallowed “Bottomline, Iwasn’tinthe programbecause Iwas a criminal turningonmyorganization There werejustalotofpeoplewhowereverymotivatedtokeepmefromtestifying,anda lot ofthemwerecops” Sethgulped,noddingslowly.“Okay.Okay,good.” Iwonderedhow worriedhe’dactuallybeenaboutthat.Ifhe was just covering all his bases, or if he’d legitimately thought I might’ve been a criminal. I supposed either way was reasonable. Statisticsbeingwhattheywere,I’dhaveguessed“criminal”rightoffthebat,too.
No, no, no Don’t leave Not yet Withasigh,heturnedtowardthedoor,buthedidn’tmove.“I,um…Ihavetogo.” “Iknow.”Itookabreath.“Canwetalkagain,though?Afteryourshift?Something?” “We…”Hiseyesflickedtomybag,whichwasstillsittingonthebed.“You’regettingreadytoleave,aren’tyou?” Ishrugged “I’monlyinIdahotoseeyou Ifyou’redonewithme,Ihavenoreasontostay” Sethflinched Icringedinwardly;Ihadn’tmeanttosoundmanipulativeor
This was over. Our relationship was over. Iwas one ofSeth’s ex-boyfriends, and the bestIcould hope for was thathe wouldremembermesomewhatmorefondlythanhedidsomeofthejerkswho’dcomebefore Isatontheedgeofthehardbedandsighedintothestillness
