author’snote
Ifyou’vereadmypreviousbooks,you’llknowthechapternamesareallsongtitles.Musichasbeenanintegralpartofmylife andalwayssetsthemoodformywriting.Whetherit’stheoverallenergyofasong,thelyrics,oreventhetitle,thattonecarries throughintomywrittenwordsonthepage Theplaylistandalinkcanbefoundatthebackofeachbook,oryoucanfindthem onmywebsite:www.amybookerauthor.com.
Life is not a dress rehearsal. You don’t get a do-over. And no matter what happens, the show must go on
Death by Rock and Roll
Mackenzie
“Thiswasourcompromise,rememberRemy?YouguysdothiswinterfestivalshowinAspen,andyougettheholidaysoff Wecan’tbackoutnow.”TherhythmguitarplayerforMurderousCrows,thebandI’vemanagedforyears,issuddenlytryingto getoutofthisgig,andthatisnotgoingtoflywithme “Yeah,but…Monroe…”hehedges.
Isigh.Alloftheguysinthebandarenowengaged,withRemybeingthelasttojointheranks,andallofasudden,doing anythingband-relatedhasbecomeachore.NotnecessarilySkyler,thedrummer,andLogan,thebassist,sincethey’reengaged toeachother,buteveryoneelseseemsmorefocusedontheirrelationshipsthantheband.
Andassomeonewhoismarriedtoherjob,thesituationisstartingtogetannoying Themusicusedtoalwayscomefirst, andnowit’slikeherdingcatstryingtogetthemallinoneplaceatthesametimetodoanything.
“Monroecancomewithyou,Remy Youknowthis”Itrysuperhardtonotrollmyeyesathowridiculousit’sgettingwith theseguys.
“Butshe’sgotanexhibitionstartingsoon.ItoldherI’dbearoundforsupport.”
“Thenyoushouldn’thaveagreedtotheAspengig,”Isay,bitingtheinsideofmycheeksoIdon’tsaysomethingI’llregret “I’msorryRemy,buttheequipmentarrivedyesterday,andthecrewisalreadytheresettingup.I’mabouttoheadtotheairport myself Andticketshavebeensoldoutformonths Wehaven’tcanceledashowsincewewerelivinginLasVegas,andIdon’t intendtostartnow.”
Backintheearlydays,itwasn’tunheardofforoneofthemtosomehowscrewupagiginsomeway,andusuallyalcohol wasinvolved.ThatallstoppedthedayourdrummerAndydiedinadrunkdrivingaccident.Sincethen,everythinghascalmed downconsiderably.Itwasn’texactlyovernightforallofthem,butthemessageeventuallygotthroughtogettheirshittogether.
He’s silentfor alongtime,andIgetthesensethere’s moretoitthanhe’s saying Idon’tgetinvolvedintheband’s love lives,anddon’tintendonstartingnow,butforRemytoclamuplikethisisnew.He’susuallyaprettyopenbook.
“Look,Remy,IknowthatyouandMonroehaven’thadtheeasiesttime,butIthoughtsinceshemovedtoLA andyougot engagedthingsweresmoothsailingwithyou.Didsomethinghappen?”
“No,notatall It’snothinglikethat,”hesaysquickly “Thenwhatisit?”
“It’sjust…”
JesusChrist “Whatisit,Remy?Youcantalktome”
“You’regoingtothinkIsoundlikeanidiot.”Histonehaschanged,andnowhealmostsoundsshy,whichisnotlikehimat all Remyisthemostoutgoingandopenoftheband
“Iwon’tthinkyou’reanidiot.Ipromise.”Isweepaloosestrandofmystick-straightpurplehairbehindoneearandcheck thetimeonmydigitalwatch.He’sreallycuttingitclosewiththis.
Afteranotherpause,hesays,“Ijustdon’twanttoleaveher.”
Mycold heartinstantlymelts into a puddle onthe floor, and Idon’tknow how to respond. I’ve never had to deal with something like this I stay far away fromeveryone’s love lives on purpose I don’t want to become a topic of contention betweenanyofthem.
Unfortunately, myjob puts me inthe positionofbeingthe bad guyquite often I’mused to it, butIdon’talways like it Beingthevoiceofreasonaroundabunchofcreativesputsenoughstrainonus.Addingeveryone’ssignificantother’sintothe mixhasonlymadetimeslikethisharder.
Luckyforallofthem,I’veneverhada‘lovelife’tospeakoftogetinthewayoftheband’sprogress.‘Love’isn’tafactor inmyrelationships.Atleast,notanymore.
TheLAsunshinestreamsthroughmywindow,glintingofftheplatinumrecordIplantopresenttotheguysinAspen.It’sour first.
Our Like I’m in the band Oof “Remy…”
“No,Iknowhowstupidthatsounds ”
“Notatall.Infact,that’sprobablythebestreasonyoucouldhavegiventonotwanttogo.” “But?”
“But we have a contract. We can’t break it except for an act of God or something like that. We’re committed.” I’m sympathetic,butitdoesn’tchangethefacts.“I’msorry,butwe’vegottodothisfestival.ButIpromise,youcantakethefirst flightoutwhentheconcertisover Iwon’tmakeyoudopressormeetandgreetsafterward,okay?”
He’ssilentagain,butIknowheunderstandsthedeal.He’sgotaclearheadaboutthesethings.
Usually
Finally,heletsoutalongbreath.“Alright.Deal.I’llbethere.”
“I’llmakeanotethatit’sunderprotest”
“Thanks,Mac,”hesays,comingaroundtohisnormalself.“Andthanksfornotmakingfunofme.” “Never.”
“Seeyoutomorrow”
Suchis the life ofa rock‘nroll band manager. Puttingoutfires where there aren’tanyand lookingfor hiddeninfernos abouttoerupt AndMurderousCrowsareknownforthrowingmecurveballseverysooften,liketoday Yay, me.
The Optimist
Ian
“Soletmegetthisstraight,Blackmorewantstoconsolidateartistmanagementunderonedepartment?”Iask Eliza,thenewVicePresidentofBlackmoreRecordsnods.“Withstreamingrevenuesdownandoverheadhigh,yeah.They hadStratfordcomeinanddoanauditlastmonth”
Iwince.ThefactthatBlackmoreusedoneofthemostviciousconsultingfirmscanonlymeanonething:bloodletting. “Theboardwantsa15%cutinoperatingcosts.Noexceptionsforhigh-earnerseither,apparently.”Shegivesmeapointed look.“Yourwholeteamisonthechoppingblock,Ian.”
Myjawtightens.Webustedourassestobuildtheartistrecruitmentprogramfromthegroundup.Andnowthefuckingbean counterswantitdismantled?
Iscrubahandovermyface.“SoifIsayno...”
“Your positiongets eliminated Same severance as the others” Her gaze softens withsympathy “I’msorry Iknow I’m puttingyouinanimpossiblespot.ButIfoughttohavethemofferyouChaosFuelratherthanjustcutyouloose.”
Theband’sreputationflashesthroughmymind.Chaosisright.Butunemploymentisevenlessappealing.
Thecoldrealitysettlesinmygut Mytidyworldisabouttotransformintocompletemayhem Bandmanagementwasnever reallyonmyradar,butI’vebeeninvolvedinthisindustryinonewayor another for along enoughtimetoknowtheinsandoutsofitall Hell,IbetIcouldrunmyownlabelifIwantedto MygoalusedtobekeepinglifesomewhatpredictableformydaughtersbackwhenweallcalledLAhome.ButaftermyexwifeBriannadecidedtoreturntoEnglandwiththegirls,myprioritiesshifted We'reoriginallyfromEnglandbutlivedasdual citizensinLAaftergettingmarried.Tripsbackandforthbetweenhouseswerethenormforus.
I'lladmitIwasprettydevastatedwhentheyleft,thedistancefuckinghurt.Itstilldoes.Butwithmyconstantworktravelas atalentscout,havingthemclosertomyexBrianna’sfamilysupportsystemmadesense SoImadethesacrifice They'restillinthehouseweboughtasafamilynearmyhometownacrossthepond.Andwithmygirlsnowanoceanaway, I'veembracedlettingalittlemorechaosintomyAmericanlifewithmyjobbeingwhatitis Orwas...
ButChaosFuel?Thebandthatcan’tseemtomakeheadwayonthecharts,can’tkeepabassist,andapparentlycan’tkeepa managereither,issuddenlyabouttobecomemynextproject.They’renotexactlyknownasbeingeasytodealwith. Iguessbeggarscan’tbechoosers.
IfIwanttostaywithBlackmore,thatis “So,whoisgoingtofindnewartistsifIaccept?”Thereareonlyahandfulofuscurrentlyscoutingtalentasitis. “TroyandRorywillbetakingthatover” “AndwhataboutJanandBrett?Whathappenstothem?”Thingsareclarifyingthemselves.Verysharply. Shesilentlylowershergazetothefloor,andIknowwhatthatmeans.They’regettingaxed.
Holy shit. This is major.
Mylimitedoptionsstartrotatinginmymind.IfIacceptthenew position,Icankissmyregularschedulegoodbye.Itwill meanIwill beontheroadmorethannot,morethanIamalready,whichmeans less timetovisitmydaughters Until now,I couldtakeregularflightsbacktoEngland,andevenworkinsomeacquisitionstopswhileintheU.K.Butnowthiswillmean mytripswillentirelydependontheband
I’mnotsosurethat’ssuchagoodthing.
“Yourpaywon’tchange,”Elizasayssympathetically.“Thisisn’tademotion.”
Whilethatmaybetrue,it’snotexactlyclimbingthecorporateladdereither.Butthen,I’mnotthetypical executive.After beinginabandmyselfforyears,I’dsincegottenusedtothepredictabilityofaregularschedule.Nowmywholelifeisgoing
tobeupended.
Maybethatis agoodthing.
I’vebecomeabitstagnantsincethegirlswentbacktoEnglandwiththeirmother Thismightshakethingsupabitforme Gettheoldjuicesflowingagain.
Besides,Ilikeachallenge AndChaosFuelisachallengeandahalf I’mtheonethatrecruitedtheminthefirstplace,so deepdownIfeelresponsibleforthemanyway.Thiswasprobablyinevitable.Iknowtheguys,andIknowwhattheirgeneral issuesare,soitwouldn’tbelikeIwasgoinginblind
Butmygirls…that’s theonlyflyintheveritableointment.HayleyandJuneareoldenoughtoknow I’mnotaroundlikeI usedtobeasitis,sixandfiverespectively,sowhereIamisn’treallyanissue.SolongasIkeepupourweeklyvideochats,it shouldbefine I’lljusttrytovisitthemwhenIcan That’snotmuchdifferentfromhowitisnow
MyheartachesatthethoughtofnotseeingtheminpersonasoftenasIcannow,butagain,myoptionsarelimited. “Ian?”Elizainterruptsmyinternalwar “Whatdoyouthink?Ifyou’regame,we’vegotafestivalinAspencomingup It’ll beabitoftrialbyfire,butMackenzieRobertswillbetherewithMurderousCrowstolendahandifyouneedit.Youknow Mackenzie,right?”
Mymindfillsinstantlywithavisionofthetalentedandgorgeousbandmanager.We’veknowneachotherforyears,andI evenhelpedtosignMurderousCrowstothelabel notthatlongago.Somethinginsidemethrillsatseeingheragain.Andthe thoughtofworkingalongsideher,atleastforonefestival,makestheofferallthemoreenticing “So,areyouupforit?”Elizaasksagain,anxioustogetthisproblemresolved. Settlingtheideawithinmyself,Iresolvetoatleasttryitoutandseehow itgoes Isupposeifitdoesn’tworkout,Ican alwaysdosomethingelse.
“Fine.Yeah.I’mupforit.”
The narrator in my head: He was, in fact, not up for it.
Mackenzie
Igrewupinthedesert TheVegasdesert Iamnotequippedforsnow I’mjustsimplynotbuiltforit Butaweekendmusic festival inAspen?For MurderousCrows,Icanadjust.Managingtheir careersover thelastdecadeandseeingthemgofrom nobodies inlocal Vegas bars to now playingstadiums witha platinumrecord has beena meteoric rise thatnone ofus were preparedfor.
Whileallofthemembersnowseemtohavetheirshittogether,foralongtimetheydidn’t,andIplayedbabysittermorethan manager.Butafterthefatalcaraccident,it’sbeenaveritablelovefestthelastcoupleofyears.Everyonehasfoundapartnerto sharethiscrazyridewith.
Icanfeelalltheireyesturntomenow
LikeIhavetimeforarelationship.
Puh-leeze
Ibarelyhavetimeformyself,letaloneanyoneelse.Myjobhasbeenthemostimportantthingtomeforaverylongtime. AndI’mfuckinggoodatit.I’mnotgoingtoletsomeguywithbedroomeyessweepmeoffmyfeetonlytoendupbarefootin thekitchenraisingourgaggleofkids
NotthatIhaveanythingagainstkids.MybestfriendChelsieandherhusbandNoahhavetwothatIadoreandjustfawned alloverwhenIwasbackinVegasafewweeksago AndmaybesomedayI’llbeinaplaceinmylifewherekidsmakesense Justnotnow.
So,nowI’mcurrentlystandingatthetopofsomemountaininAspen,killingtimebeforethebandplaysthemusicfestival thatstartsdowntowninafewdays,freezingmyassoff.
Ourdrummer,Skyler,saidskiingissupposedtoberelaxing.It’ssupposedtobefun.
We’reondaytwoofthisskiingthing Yesterdaywasspentinaclasswithabouttenotherpeopleandaskiinstructor,Alexi, whowas definitelynice tolookatbutmade itdifficulttoconcentrate onwhathe was teaching.He mightbe funfor a quick rompwhileI’mhere I’llhavetolookforhimoncewegetbacktothelodge
The wayhe showedus yesterday,itseems easyenough.Solongas the slope is relativelyflat,andIcanstop,I’mdoing prettygood
Imightbeaskier.Whoknew?
Butthatwasyesterday.Rightnow,we’relookingdownthemountain,anditdoesn’tlookliketheoneweskiedbeforeat all Thisonelookssteep
ItlookslikeagoddamnOlympicruncomparedtothegentleinclinewepracticedonyesterday. IturntoSkyler,eyeswide “You’vegottabekiddingme,”Ihissundermybreath “That’sasheardrop,notahill!” “YousawthesamemapIdid.Ithinkit’sright.”
Wecontinuetowatchpeopleexpertlyjumpofftheliftandalmostimmediatelystartflyingdownthehill. Iswallowhard.“Okay.Wegotthis.Wetookalesson.Weknowthebasics,right?” “Right,”shenods,moreconfidentlythanme.
Doubtand dread knotinthe pitofmystomach I’ve always prided myselfonkeepingeverythingtightlycontrolled But staringdownthismountain,Ifeelanythingbutincontrol.
CanIreallydo this? IfIwipe outonthis run, itwon’tjustbe some cute tumble Icanlaughoffover hotcocoa We’re talkingbrokenbonesorworse.
Justthen, another skier whips pastus, carvingbold slashes into the pristine snow. Maybe Idon’thave to be bold. Ijust havetomakeittothebottomintact.Itakeadeepbreathofthecoldmountainairandlowermygoggles.Thefallingsnowfrom theloomingdarkcloudsabovehitsthelensesandmelts.
Clenchingmyjaw,Ishoveanyfurtherdoubtsaside.IfIcanconquerstadiumtoursandcrisisPRforMurderousCrows,I cansureashellhandleafuckingskislope.
“Let’sdothis,Iguess,”Isay,pushingoffwithmykneesshaking I’mstillsorefromyesterday’sadventure,butfigureit’ll easeupasIgetbackintoit.MotioningforSkylertogoaheadofmeIsay,“Afteryou.”
“Thiswasmyidea,wasn’tit ”shemuttersasshepushespastme,easilyglidinginazig-zagpatterndowntheslope She did pickup the instructions better thanIdid. Butthen, she was payingattentionto whatthe hottie instructor was saying, not imaginingwhathe’dlooklikeinoneofthesaunasatourcheesyhotel
Istartafterherandfall intothepatternofthemovement.MykneesarecomplainingslightlyasIkeepthembentandlean fromsidetosideasIsteer,butI’mdoingokayfornothavinggoneatthiskindofspeedbefore.
Skyler whoops loudlyahead, glancingover her shoulder at me She’s increasingher speed and her distance away, so I anglemyselftogoinastraighterlinetotrytokeepup.
IdefinitelygofasterthanIwas,butnowtheterrainischangingwithmorelittlebumpsandhillspoppinguphereandthere WheneverIapproachone,mymusclestenseupandIgetaweirdvertigofeelinglikeI’mgoingtofall,butsomehowgetthrough it
IfIhadasteeringwheel,I’dbewhite-knucklingit.Asitis,I’mgrippingmyskipoleswaytootightly.
Up ahead there’s a hill thatI’mnotgoingto be able to avoid withmycurrentpattern, so Ileaninand brace myselffor whateverisgoingtohappen Insteadofwreckinginapileofskisandpoles,Iactuallydosomesortofjumpandlandsolidly Myskisarestillfacingforward,andIdidn’tfallonmyass.
Infact,I’mpickingupevenmorespeed
This skiing thing is fucking amazing. I can totally do this. Thatjumpgavememoreconfidenceandloosenedmeuptojustgoalongwiththeterraininsteadoftryingtofightit.The cuttingofthecoldwindonmycheeksisexhilaratingasIpickupevenmorespeed.
TheonlyissueI’mhavingnowisthesnowthat’sfalling.It’salmostawhiteout,andIcan’tseeSkyleranymore.It’shardto seeanydistanceinfrontofmeatall,soIconcentrateonwhatIcansee,andnoticeanotherhillliketheoneIjustjumped
Preparingforit,Ibendmykneesfurther,anticipatingthelift.Butthistime,it’snotjustajump.I’mliterallyflyingintheair. Thatwasn’tahill Thatwasafuckingcliff
Ibarelyhavetimetoregister thatthegroundiscominguptomeetme.For asplitsecond,IthinkI’mgoingtobeableto saveit,butIdon’tlandstraightandstartslidingsidewaysatspeed.BeforeIcaneventhinkaboutadjustingmystance,myleft skicatchesonsomething,andI’mflyingagain.
Icatchaflashofredcomingatmefastthroughtheblurofwhite.Oneoftheliftpoles.Itrytotwistaway,butmyskiscatch again,andsuddenly,it’sonme
Mylegcollides withunforgivingmetal, and Iswear Ihear a sickeningcrackbefore Ievenfeel it. Blindingpainshoots throughmylowerlegasitgivesway
I scream then, the sound going nowhere on the vacant slope. My cries mingle with the whipping wind as I crumble awkwardlyintothesnow.
Theblizzardrages on,envelopingmeinahazeofwhite Throughthecoldpowder swirlingaroundme,Icanseethelift pole,aredbeaconnowguidingmedownintodarkness.
Ian
I’mnotanexpertskierbyanymeans,butwhenIseethewomanwhojustpassedmeatanincrediblerateofspeedwipeout andslamrightintotheliftpole,Iknow they’remostlikelyhurt,andIhavetohelp.Maneuveringtowardsthem,Iejectoutof myskis,sticktheminan“X”shapeinthesnowsoeveryoneelsecansteerclear,andrushover She’snotmoving.
Shit
AsIreachinsidemyskivestformyphone,Ikneelnexttoherandtakeoffmygloves,feelingaroundherneckforapulse. Thankgod,thereisone.Gently,Ilifthergogglestoseeifshe’sconscious. Holyhell It’sMackenzieRoberts ThemanagerofMurderousCrows Ofcourse,she’sintownforthemusicfestivallikeI am.
“Mackenzie,canyouhearme?”Itaphercheeks “Mackenzie,wakeup” Nothing.
Idialthenumberforskipatrolrescuehereattheresortlistedonasignattachedtothepole,givethemourlocation,andtell themabitaboutwhathappened
“Ian?IanSummer?”Hervoiceissoftbutcutsthroughmyrisinganxiety.
“I’mhere,”Isay,turningmyfullattentiontoher “Rescueisontheway Whathurts?”
“Everything,”shegroans,stillnotmoving.Thatworriestheshitoutofme.
“Canyoumoveatall?”Iask,andasherbrowfurrowsatthat,Isay,“Onlyifyoucan Ifithurts,don’tmove”
“Myleg,”herbrowcreasesmore.“Ithinkit’sbroken.”
“Okay, thendon’tmove. They’ll be here soon.” Inotice her startto shiver and realize she’s basicallylyinginthe snow. Eventhebestskigearisn’tmadeforlongdirectcontactwiththecold Takingoffmycoat,Iplaceitoverherandtuckitaround hercarefully.“Anythingelsehurt?Orjusttheleg?”
Herfacescrunchesupinpain,andherbreathingturnsintosharplittlebreaths Sheliftsanarmtocoverhereyes,hidingher emotionfromme.
“Fuck,”shesnarlsthroughgrittedteeth
Ipull her armawayfromher face,revealingher stunningvioleteyesthatareonlyafew shadeslighter thanthewispsof purple hair peakingout fromher wool cap. “Hey, if ever there was a time to cry, this would be it. I promise I won’t tell anyone Yourbadassrepissafewithme”
Sheletsoutaprimalscreamfromsomewheredeepinhergutthattriestoechoacrossthemountainbutisdampenedbythe heavysurroundingsnowfall
“Or,youknow.Youcouldscream,too.”
Thenthetearsstart,butshe’squicktowipethemaway.“Sorry.Itjustfucking hurts. ” “Givemeyourhand,”Isay,offeringminetoher,andshetakesithesitantlywithaquestioninglook.“Whenitgetstobetoo much,squeezemyhandashardasyouneedto.Icantakeit.”
NosoonerdoIsaythatthanMackenzieclutchesmyhandsotightlymybreathcatchesinmythroat Iwasn’texpectingherto takemeupontheoffersosoonorwithsomuchvigor.
She’s fucking strong
“Did you know that while men are typically stronger, women have much better stamina, and can exercise for around seventy-fivepercentlonger?”Iask,tryingtodistractherfromthepainthat’sradiatingthroughher.It’scompletelyrandomand shouldthrowheroff.
“Whatthefuck?”sheasks,hergriponmyhandlessening.“Wheredidthatcomefrom?Actually,whatareyoudoinghere?I
didn’tknowanyexecsfromBlackmoreweregoingtobehere. Ahhh,”shehisses,pullinginairthroughherteethasawaveof painhits.
Atleastmytacticworked,andshedoesn’tlooklikeshe’sgoingtofoldwithinherselfanylonger “Oh,soyoudidn’thearthatI’vebeen‘volunteered’tomanageChaosFuel,then?” Shescoffs,butthenwincesandsucksinanotherbreath Thevicearoundmyhandtightensagain “Volunteered?”shechokes out.
“Yeah Luckyme,eh?”Ican’thelpbutchuckle,eventhoughthesnowstormaroundusseemstobeincreasingbytheminute, makingmeworryaboutmorethanjustMackenzie’sleg.
“Tobefair,Ronwaskindofadick.Hewasahalf-assmanagertoo.”
Inodmyheadtotheside She’snotwrong Still,Ihadnointentionsofgettingintobandmanagement “Tootrue,”Isay.“Butthatleftthingsinabadspot.So,hereIam.” “Luckyme,”shewhispers,andI’mnotsureshemeantformetohearher Or,whetheritwasagoodorbadthing Justthen,thesoundofamotor ofsomekindcomes frombehindme.Iturntoseetheski patrol snowmobileandstandto wavethemover
“Shit.Skyler’sgoingtofreakoutwhensheseesI’mnotbehindher,”Mackenziesays,anxietynowrisingagain. Iimmediatelygobackintorescuemodeandkneelbesideher,takingherhandagain.“I’llcallherandletherknow.” “Wait,aren’tyougoingtocomewithme?”Theworryinhereyesedgedwithherpain,tugsatme Ican’tnot gowithher “Of course. I’ll go with you.” I give her a reassuring smile. “But they’re going to tend to you for a bit before we get moving,soIcancallhernow”
MackenzieRobertsisnotonetoaskforhelporassistanceofanykind.Notunlessshereallyneedsit.So,forhertoaskme togowithherformedicaltreatmentmeansshe’s really hurting.
She gives me her phone, and I start callingpeople as she directs me and leave messages for others while the rescuers administerfirstaidandgethersecuredfortransportdownthemountain.
“We’veactuallyclosedthemountain,”oneoftherescuecrewsays,squintingupintothesquallsurroundingus “Thissnow cameinwayquickerthanitwassupposedto.”
“Oh?”Iask Surprisedthattheweatherherecanbethisunpredictable “Yup.Wecanfigureoutalotofthings prettyaccurately.Imean,it is science.ButMother Nature has a mindofher own sometimes.”
“Howbadisitgoingtoget?”Iask,nowworriedaboutourcurrentsituation,andifwe’llbeabletogetdownthemountain safely.
“Prettybad”
Great.
Iscantheslopearoundus,takinginthewhiteoutconditions Thewindlashesatusnow,bitinganyexposedskin It’dbeall tooeasytoloseyourwayinthis,forthecoldtoleachawaybodyheatdistressinglyfast.
Mygaze settles onMackenzie, takinginher pale, drawnface. If transportingher was riskybefore, it’s infinitelymore precariousnow Andthat’snotevenconsideringhowwe’llmakeitbacktoourlodgingsinthisblizzard
Mystomachsinks,scenariosflashing.Ifwegetstrandedouthere,Mackenzie’slegbreakcouldturnlife-threateningfast.I forcemyselftoexhale,noddingtothesquad
“Rightthen.We’dbestgetmoving.”
The sooner we getoffthis peak,the better our chances ifthis stormhits full force Ijusthope we beatthe worstofitin time.Mackenzie’sfacedenoughperilalreadytodaywithoutthat.
ThepatrolsquadswarmsaroundMackenzie,movementsurgentbutprecise.Onemedicbeginscuttingawayherskipantleg toexposetheinjurywhileanotherpreparesaninflatablesplint Iavertmyeyesasfabrictears,notwantingtoinfringeonher privacy.
The medics workwordlessly, communicatingthroughloaded glances and terse gestures Aneckbrace is settled despite Mackenzie’sprotests.Theyslideaninsulationpadunderneathbeforeimmobilizingherentirelegunderthehardenedsplint.
“Thatshouldholditfortransport,”theleadmedicconfirms,andIseeMackenzieexhaleinrelief
Icatchthehintsofpurplemottlingandswellingdistortingherlimbwheretheycutawaythepantleg.Bileburnsthebackof mythroat.Isqueezeherhand,wishingIcoulderasethetrauma,bothsustainedandyettocome.
“Who the hell thoughtitwas a good idea to attachslipperysticks to the bottomofyour feetso youcould slide downa fuckingmountain?” Mackenzie is gripingto anyone who will listenas theycarefullymaneuver her onto the litter. “I mean, really It’sstupid”
Withoutdisagreeing,Igrabmyslipperysticks,attachthemtothe bottoms ofmyfeet,andslide downthe mountainalong withtherescuecrewtothemedicalcenter.
Note to self: Buy Mackenzie a shirt that says, ‘I’m with stupid.’
Ghost Myself
Mackenzie
PainIcanhandle EvenexcruciatingpainlikeI’minnow astheyfinishthex-raysonmylegintheresortmedicalcenter However,Idon’tdohumiliation.It’snotinmyrepertoireofthingsIknow how todealwith.Mytypicalwayofdealingwith heavyemotionsiseithertogetangryandtoughitoutwhilelashingoutattheworldorjusttheopposite-completelyshutting down.
Ihaven’tbeeninasituationlikethisinalongtime:havingtodealwithsomethingmajorinfrontofsomeoneimportant.Not thatIanissuperimportanttome,butheisaprettybigdealatthelabel,andformetojustwipeoutlikethatinfrontofhim, and tohavehimbasicallyrescuemeissomethingI’mnevergoingtobeabletolivedown.Notwithinmyself,anyway.
Iamasmartwoman MyfriendChelsieconstantlytellsmethatIshouldbeinMENSA,orbeadoctororsomething,butI don’t have patience for pretentious bullshit. That especially applies when it comes to guys. And especially musicians, or former musicians for thatmatter So, Ishould know better thanto getall worked up over IanSummer Besides, Ithinkhe’s married.
He’stheformerleadsingerofthebandCorpseLimousine,andhowhefellintothebusinesssideofthingsIhavenoidea. We’ve metseveral times over the years, butseeinghimstill sittinginthe examroomafter comingbackfromgettingX-rays makesmyheartskipafewbeats.
“You’re still here, huh?” I ask, not sure how I feel about anyof this It’s one thingto rescue me inthe moment, and a completelyother thingto hangoutwhile Igetputbacktogether. It’s above and beyond, and unexpected. “Youdon’thave to stickaround I’llfindmywaybacktomyhotel”
Hisgreeneyescrinkleashesmiles.He’salmostadifferentpersonwhenhedoes.Notthathe’suglywhenhedoesn’t,I’ve justneverseensuchatransformationwithasmile.It’sdevastatingwhenthefulleffectofitispointedatyou.Andhisshaggy lightbrownhairthatmakesmewanttorunmyfingersthroughitisn’thelpingmattersatall IfIwasstandingandmylegwasn’t splinted,mykneeswouldtotallybeweakrightnow.
“Youtryingtogetridofme?”hechuckles “You’regoingtohavetodobetterthanthat”Hegetsuptohelpmegetsettled while we wait for results. “What can I get for you? Something hot to drink? Another blanket? Your lips still look a little blue ”
He’s suchaworrywort.Inever wouldhavepeggedhimas thecaretaker type.Healways seemedabitindifferentabout anythingandanyonearoundhim.Toseehimsoattentivetomeisjustweird.
“No I’mfine Really Thanksthough”
This earns me a narrow-eyed squint of disbelief. “You’re a horrible liar, Mac.” He shoves his fists into his pockets, suddenlyawkward “I’mstartingtofeelabithelplesshere” “AndI’mtryingreallyhardtofeelbadforyou.”
“Icantell.”Thesmileisback,andIinstantlyfeelalittlebitbetter.
Sarcasticbanter,Icando.Anditishelping.Whetherheknowsitornot,justhavinghimherewithmeiscomforting.
“Thankyou,”Isay,seriousforachange.Ithinkthepainmedsarekickingin.I’mfeelingabitsappyallofasudden.
“Forwhat?”HeseemssurprisedthatIwouldbegrateful
NowI’mnotsureifIshouldbeoffended.“Everything.Idon’tknowwhatIwouldhavedoneifyouweren’tthere.”
Henods,“Well,thatwaslucky,yes”Hischeeksreddenalittle,andmystomachdoesasmall flipatthesightofit “I’m justgladIwasthereandabletohelp.Itwasquiteacrash.”
Asilencefallsheavilyandawkwardlybetweenus.
It’s a well-knownfactaround the world I’msure, thatIdon’tknow how to flirt. Idon’tflirtbecause Idon’tknow how. Plainandsimple.Myattractiontopeopleisusuallyacerebralthing,notastomach-flippingkindofthing.Ifsomeonecankeep
up with me in an intelligent conversation, and hold their own, that is hella sexy to me. I’m not usually swayed by the combinationofasexysmileandato-die-forBritishaccent.
Thisisnew
That’snottosayIanisn’tintelligent.Quitetheopposite.Wheneverwe’veseeneachotherinthepast,banteringwithhim hasalwaysbeenfun Butforsomereason,today,rightnow,thereseemstobeanundercurrentofsomekindflowingbetweenus thatIdon’trecognize.I’veneverfeltsomethinglikethisbeforewithanyone.
Itsuddenlystrikesmethathe’sthewholepackage I’veneverseenthewholepackageinperson
And, wow, I’m getting ahead of myself.Itmustbethepainmedsmakingmybraingowonky.I’llneedtobecarefularound him,orI’llsaysomethingI’llendupregrettingwhenIhaveaclearerhead.
“Mackenzie?” Ian’s voice slices through my internal thoughts “If you keep staring at me like that, I’mafraid I’ll start blushing.”
“You’realreadyblushing,”Isaywithoutthinking Fuck. Mackenzie, what the hell?
Thatmakestheflushinhischeeksdeepenevenfurther,andhelooksalittletongue-tied “Shit,sorry,”Isayquickly,wishingdesperatelyI’dbeabletopullthewordsbackfromtheairbetweenus.AsIattemptto situp,aflashofpainshootsthroughmylegandupintomyhip,causingmetocryout.
Ianimmediatelyisatmyside,handsonmyshoulders,easingmebackintothepillows
“No,no,”hesaysgently.“You’reperfectlyright.Iamabitflush.It’sunnaturallywarminhere,don’tyouthink?”
Istareathimforasecond,notsurehowIwanttoplaythis DoIgoalongwiththisobviouslieanddeflection?Orcallhim outonitsinceIhappentofeelthesame?
RememberingthatI’monheavypainmedication,Isidewiththelie.Whoknowswhataclearheadwouldthink?
“Itisverywarminhere,”Isay,avoidinghisgaze.It’salreadybeenestablishedI’mahorribleliar,butweneedarelease valveonthisconversation.“Sorry,whateverisinthatjuiceboxthey’repumpingthroughmyveinsismakingmealittleloopy.” IlookupattheIVbaghangingonapolebesidethebed,mostlytoavoidhisgazeonme
We’rebothstuckinsomestaring/avoidingcontestthatfeelslikecatandmouse,andwekeepchangingplaces.Imustadmit, it’skindofthrilling
And Ineed to stop this. Rightnow. Ican’tpursue anythingwithIan. Especiallyata workevent. Itwould be completely unprofessional.
“Speakingofwork…”Istart,sneakingaglanceathim.
“Werewe?”Hiseyesshinewithmischief.It’sfuckingadorable. Stop it
“No,butweprobablyshould,”Iriskanotherlookupathim.Damnit,he’ssmiling.“Areallofyourguyshere?”
Henods “Yes,theygotinlastnight Late,asalways,buttheymadeit Whataboutyourflock?Allpresentandaccounted for?”
“Same.Theycameinlastnighttoo.”MybrowfurrowsasitdawnsonmethatI’llneedtoworkthroughthisfestivalwithan injury I’mpositivemylegisbroken,whichisgoingtomakegettingaround,especiallyinthesnow,anightmare Idon’tknow thatIcandoit.
SuddenlyI’moverwhelmed,andeverythinghitsmeatonce Myeyesstarttearingupagain,andIquicklyburymyfacein myhandstohidemycryingfromIan.
ThelevelofunprofessionalismI’vebeendisplayingisoutrageous
“Hey,hey,”hesays,slidinganarmaroundmyshoulderandpullingmeintohim.Hisspicycolognepiercesmysensesand makesmefeelinstantlycomforted.“Igetit.You’reworriedaboutbeingabletoworkthefestival.Don’tworryaboutathing. I’llhelptakecareofeverything”
It’sthenthattheenormityofmypredicamentreallywashesoverme.Thisisn’tjustaboutworkingthefestival.I’mgoingto beatthemercyofanyandallhelpIcangettoevenfunction There’snowayIcouldaskIantohelpwithallofthat
The tears increase invoracity, and Icanfeel myshoulders shake. Iwishdesperatelymybestfriend, Chelsie, was here. She’dknowhowtohelpanddoitwithoutbeingasked
Iankissesthetopofmyheadandpullsmetighteragainsthim,andIdon’tfightit.Beforethis,we’veonlybeenphysicalin afriendlyway–genialhugshelloandgoodbyeatevents,playfulslapsontheshoulderorarm.Ithinkwemayhaveevendone thehandshakeandpeckonthecheek
Thisisdifferent.Thisisnew.
Thisis nice
“I’vegotyou.Don’tworry.I’vegotyou,”hewhispersintomyhair. Goosebumpsrunalloverme.I’veneverheardthosewordsspokentomebefore. Ever. I’mnotsomeoneyoutypicallyspeakthosewordsto. OramI?
Honey Don’t Think
Ian
ThesuddeninstincttowanttoprotectMackenzieandtakecareofherissurprising I’mnotatouchy-feelykindofguy,so wrappingmyselfaround her like this is entirelyoutofcharacter for me. Thatis, apartfrommydaughters, June and Hayley. TheygetallthehugsIcanmanagewhenIseethem,whichisn’tasoftenasI’dlike
KnowingthatMackenzieisn’tthetypetoeveraskforhelpmakesmewanttodoitevenmore.Iunderstandwhatit’sliketo betoostubbornforyourowngoodbecauseI’mjustlikeherinthatregard.AndIthinkifIwereinhersituation,deepdown,I’d wantsomeonetostepupandtakecareofme.
I’d grumble and whinge about it endlessly, but secretly, I’d probably like being tended to. Especially if it was by Mackenzie Ihaven’thadenoughofthatinmylife,especiallysincemydivorce
AssoonasIthinkthat,Ipull outandwavemyowninner redflag.Ican’tbethinkingaboutMackenzieinanywayother thanprofessionally Yes,thisisanextenuatingcircumstance,butoncethispasses,it’sbacktobusinessasusual Thekeyword is‘business.’
Adoctorenterstheroom,andforamoment,IcanfeelMackenzietensenexttome.I’mnotsureifit’sbecauseI’msittingon thebedwithherandsomeonewalkedinorifshe’sworriedaboutwhatthedoctor’sabouttosay Ontheoffchancethatit’sme she’stenseabout,Istandup,releasingher,andIsuddenlyfeellikeIwanttojumpbackinandholdheragain.Shieldherfrom whateverthisguy’sabouttosay But,Irestrainmyself
“Well,youtookquiteaspill,huh,Ms.Roberts?”Thedoctorsays.Notreallyaskingaquestion.
Mackenziejuststaresathim,hereyesstillshiny,butadeterminationinherexpressiontohandlewhatevercomesatherin thenextfewmoments.Again,Iwanttoholdherhandorsomething.Ifeellikeabystander,which,IguessIam.
“Right...”thedoctor continuesafter notgettingthejovial responsehewasprobablyexpecting.“Well,there’sdefinitelya break,butit’snotasbadasitcouldhavebeen Youwereextremelylucky”HeslidestheX-rayoverthelightboxandturnsit on.
“Idon’tfeelverylucky,”Mackenziemutters,crossingherarmsoverherchest Ismileinwardly,recognizingthetenacious spiritisbackinherdemeanor.
“Well,youonlyfracturedyourfibula,theboneontheoutsideofyourcalf,andnotyourtibia,whichisthebigger,weightbearingshinbone.Plus it’s justahairlinefracture.So,wewon’thavetodoafull-blowncast.But,you’regoingtohaveone hellofabruiseforsure.”
“Does that meanI’ll be able to walk?” Mackenzie asks, not evenlookingat the X-ray She just wants the bottomline TypicalMackenzie.
“Iwouldn’t recommend it inthe shortterm,” the doctor says, takingoffhis glasses, and wipingthemonthe hemofhis scrubsshirt.“Iassumeyoudon’tliveinthearea?”
“No, I’mjusthere for the festival,” she says impatiently. Her eyes are startingto fill again, and Ithinkit’s more outof frustrationthananythingelseatthispoint.“So,whatcan Ido?”
He stares at her for a moment, gauginghow he’ll respond. He seems to realize the kind of personhe’s dealingwithin Mackenzie Nononsense.
“You’llhavetowearabrace,whichwe’llfityouwith Thefibulaisastabilizingbone,sowe’llneedtoshorethatupfora while.”HepullstheX-rayfromthelightboxandshutsitoff.“You’llprobablybeintheacutepainstageforatleastadayor two,andwe’llgiveyoumedicinetogetthroughthat.You’llneedtocheckinwithyourregulardoctoronceyougethomeand, mostlikely,anorthopedist--”
“Wait,nonarcotics.”ShesuddenlydeclaresadamantlyasshesitsupandtwiststolookupattheIVbag,squintingtoread
thelabel.
The doctor and I bothglance at eachother insurprise. I shrug, knowingabsolutelynothingabout Mackenzie’s medical history
“Isthereanallergyor...AnissuethatIshouldknowabout?”thedoctorasks,eyebrowsraisinginconcern.Hetakesafew cautiousstepstowardtheIV,alreadyfloodingmorphineintohersystem
“What?No.Nothinglikethat,”shesays,shakingherhead.Herexpressionappearsconfusedandhaunted,andmycuriosity ispiqued “Ijustdon’tlikebeingoutofit Idon’twanttotakeanythingthatcouldbe Ijustdon’twantany”
Henodstohimself,understanding,thoughIwishhecouldexplainittome.Iwouldthinkshewouldwanttobepain-freeif possible.Plus,sheknowsshe’sbeengettingnarcoticsalreadyinherIV.Thissuddenshiftisabitconfusing.
“Can we keep the IV going for now, and when we release you in the next couple of hours, we’ll go over your pain management plan? I think the risk outweighs the reward to your pain level for a little while at least. You are going to be hurting”
Shestudieshimforalongmoment,andevenIbegintosquirmundertheintensityofit.Eventually,shenodsandsitsback, pushingintoherpillowswithhereyesclosed,releasingadeepbreath
Iglanceupatthedoctorexpectantly,unsureofwhat’snext.I’mnotabigfanofhospitals,andseeingasMackenzie’sinjury isn’tasbadasoriginallythought,I’manxioustogetusoutofhere.
Henodsatusasheleavestheroom “We’llbebackinshortlywiththebraceandmoreinstructions Justsittight” Once he’s gone there’s a heavy silence between us. I’m unsure if I should bring up what just happened, or let it go. Changingthesubjectfeelsjustasawkwardassayingsomething “Sorry,Ijust...”Mackenziewhispers,avoidingeyecontactwithme. Iholdmyhandsup.“Youdon’towemeoranyoneanexplanation.It’scompletelyuptoyouwhatcourseoftreatmentyou take.Hell,youcouldjumpoutofthatbedrightnowandrunoutofhere,andIwouldn’tstopyou.”
Thatatleastgetsasmirkfromher.“Really?”Thedubiousglanceshegivesmeisworthit.
“Well,Imightatleastcallafteryou”
“Isthatall?”Ilovethesparkleofchallengeinhereyes.
“Tobehonest,Idon’tthinkyou’dgetveryfar,”Ismirkrightback “Youknow,brokenlegandall” “Yeah,thereisthat.”Herbrowcreases,andshe’ssuddenlyseriousagain. “Whatisit?”Iask.
Sheglances upatme,reluctanttovoicewhatever itis that’s botheringher.“Idon’tknow how I’mgoingtonavigatethis festivalifIcan’tgetaround.You’veseenmeatshows,Ian.I’mneverinthesamespotformorethanaminute.Thisisgoingto beanightmare”
It’s true. I’ve seenMackenzie inactionata few Murderous Crows shows, and she’s constantlymoving. Abrokenlegis goingtobeaseverehindrance,especiallywithallthesnowthat’scurrentlyfalling
“Well,luckyforyouthatI’mherethen.I’lljusthandleeverythingforbothofourbands.Itwon’tbeaproblem.”
Howhardcoulditbe?Mostofthepreparationsarealreadymadeforallofus.It’sjustamatterofgettingeveryoneinthe rightplaceattherighttime
Ninerockstars.Noproblem.Ihavetwoyounggirls.Icanhandlesomeadults.
ThedubiousglarenowcomingfromMackenzieisalmostlaughable Themorphinemustreallybekickinginnowsincethe glassinessinhergazeisn’ttearsanymore.
“Doyouhavemyphone?”sheasks “CanIhaveit,please?”Sheholdsahandoutexpectantly “No.”
Shenarrowshereyesatme.“Whatdoyoumean,no?Didyouleaveitonthemountain?”
“No,it’snotonthemountain”Ican’thelpthesmilethatcracksthroughmyattemptatbeingstern She’snotamused.
“Givememyphone,Ian”
I’malmosttemptedtogiveinandhanditover,butIholdmyground.Shejustbrokeherbloodyleg,andshe’sonmorphine. There’snowayI’mlettinghertrytoconductbusinessrightnow
“Youneed to rest,” Isay, reachingover and plumpingher pillows behind her. “Itold you, I’ll handle everything. Don’t worry.”
Icatchatwitchofherlipsbeforeitturnsintoascowl “I’mnotababy,”shemutters “Nobodysaidyouwere,”Isigh,sittingnexttoheronthebedagainanddrapinganarmaroundherassheleansherheadon myshoulder “Infact,Ithinkyou’reatalentedbusinessperson,andverygoodatyourjob You’rejustgettingsidelinedforthis game,that’sall.”
“Verygood?”sheasks,glaringupatme.I’dworryifthesmirkwasn’tbackalongwithit.“YouthinkI’mjust‘verygood’at myjob?Doyouknow how hardIwork?Idothejobofthreemanagers–thetourmanager,thebandmanager,theproduction manager--”
“That’swhatyouheardoutofeverythingIsaid?Sorry.Sorry.Imeanttosay‘best.’You’retheabsolutebestinthebusiness. Handsdown.”Shenodsandleansfurtherintome.“Geesh,overachiever.” “Iheardthat” “Iknowyoudid,”Ismile.
WhenIcametoAspen,IthoughtI’dgetafewrunsontheslopes,someScotchbythefireinthelodge,anddiveheadfirst intothenewmanagergig.
Ididn’texpectthis Ididn’texpectthisatall
Another note to self: The old adage is true – When you least expect it – expect it.
Otherside
Mackenzie
Iguess it’s a good thingI’monmorphine rightnow Otherwise, I’d be freakingthe fuckouttryingto figure outhow I’m goingtodomyjobwhenIcan’teasilygetaround.
Thisismyworstnightmare
Ahuge festival featuringthe biggestacts inthe business,andI’mbenched.I’mnotentirelyhelpless,butthe blizzardjust mademyjobamilliontimesharderthanitneedstobe.Ianholdingmyphonehostageisn’thelpingeither.
ImustfallasleepwithmyheadonIan’sshoulder,becausethenextthingIknow,there’sanotherdoctorintheroomwitha legbrace.WhenImovetositup,painshootsdownmyleg.I’dalmostforgottenitwasbroken.I’msurprisedIwasabletofall asleepwithalltheadrenalinecoursingthroughme
Maybethat’swhathappened.Ifinallycrashed.
Ha Literally
“What’ssofunny?”Ianasks,gettingupfromthesideofthebedandshakingouthisarm.I’mguessingitmusthavefallen asleepwhilehewasholdingme.
It’sthenthatInoticehowmuchIlikeditwhenheheldme HowsafeIfeltinhisarms Safeenoughtofallasleep,atleast That’snew.Ialsonoticehe’snotwearingaweddingringanymore.Icouldhaveswornhewasmarried.
“Huh?Oh,nothing,”Isay,shakingmyheadandtryingtoclearthecobwebs Unfortunately,painmedicinemakesmechatty, andIhavenofilter.“Whathappenedtoyourweddingring?Ithoughtyouweremarried.”
I need to shut the hell up
Thedoctorholdingmybracelooksatme,thenlooksatIanquestioningly.He’sapparentlyinvestedintheunfoldingdrama infrontofhimmorethanheistakingcareofmyleg.Fairenough.
Ianlooksdownathishandasiftodouble-checkthatwhatI’vesaidistrue,andhisbrowfurrowsslightly IfIhadtoguess, I’dsaythehurtthatflashedbehindhiseyesforasecondhasastorybehindit.
“Iwas,”hesays,suddenlystoic “I’mnotanymore”
Istareathishandasheshovesitbackintohispocket,wantingtoknowthestory.Inallofourmeetings,we’veneverreally talkedaboutpersonallives It’salwaysbeenaboutbusinessortheindustry Iappreciatedthatabouthim ButnowI’mcurious Somethingtellsmegettinghimtotalkaboutitwon’tbeeasy.Ishouldprobablyleaveitalone.
Thenewdoctorgoesthroughputtingthebraceonandgivesmeinstructionsonhowtouseandcareforit.Itseemssimple enough I’ll alsobegettingcrutches touse for the firstfew days or so Ireallydidluckout,consideringhow badthis could havebeen.
We’rebarelydonetalkingaboutfollow-upcarewhenthefirstdoctorcomesback Ididn’tcatchanybody’snames Though, Idon’tthinkI’dbeabletorememberanyway.It’shardenoughtopayattentiontomycareinstructions.
“Whereareyoutwostaying?”Heasks,lookingbetweenthetwoofus.
“Oh, we’re nottogether,” Ianand Isayatthe same time. We were bothawfullyfastto dispel the notionthatwe’d be a couple.Ilookoverathimtofindhimlookingatme,andwhenoureyesmeet,ajoltgoesthroughme,makingmefeellikewhatI justsaidwasalie
Webothquicklyturnbacktothedoctor.
Odd
“Oh,mymistake,”thedoctorsays,cheeksflushing.“Ijustthoughtsince...Nevermind.ThereasonIaskisbecausealmost alltheroadsareclosingnow,andtheworstofthestormhasn’tevenhityet.Youmightbestuckhere.”
Mythroattightens,andmyheartstartstorace.Idon’twanttobehereanylongerthanIhaveto.
“I’mstayingatthehotelwayoverneartheairport,”Isay,knowingalmostinstantlythatit’sprobablytoofarformetoget
to.“Thereisn’tUberorLyft?Orsomethinglikethat?”
Thedoctorshakeshishead.“Unfortunately,evenrideshareortaxisaregoingtobenearimpossibletofindnow.Besides, youwouldn’twanttobeontheroadsintheseconditions We’reallgettingreadytohunkerdownforafewdays” “Days?”IanandIaskinunisonagain,butthistimewedon’tlookateachother.Thethoughtofbeingstuckhereforanother hour,letalonedays,makesmystomachclench IanmustbejustasreluctantasIamaboutit,andIfeelbadthatI’veputhimin thisposition.
“Ithappensmorethanyou’dthink,”thedoctorcontinues “Tellyouwhat,though Ifyoucanfindyourselfawayoutofhere, I’mhappytoreleaseyou.Solongas youpromisemeyouhavesomeonetolookafter you.”Heeyes Ianas hesays this,and flashesadevilishsmilebeforeleaving.
The silence inthe roomonce he’s gone is deafening Things were alreadystartingto getawkward betweenIanand me beforethe‘gettingstranded’topicevencameup.Nowit’sevenworse.
“Letmemakeafewcalls,”Iansaysbrisklywithoutlookingbackashewalksout Iwatchas he goes, still ina bitofa daze atthe entire situation. Forty-eighthours ago, Iwas snugand comfyinmyLA apartmentwithaglassofredwinewhilevideochattingwithmybestfriendChelsie Nowthatseemslikeyearsago Somuch hashappenedsincethen.
Mylifehasalwayshappenedfast.Ibarelyhavetimetoholdontoanythingbeforethenextthingisthrownatme,andthe next destination is pinned If I’mnot planning the next level of success, I’mcleaning up the messes everyone else leaves behind.Thisbrokenlegisgoingtocausesomanymoreproblems.Icanalreadyfeelmyskinitchwiththeurgetostartfixing thingsthathaven’tevenhappenedyet
BeforeIcangettoofardowntherabbitholethatismybrain,Iancomesrushingbackintotheroom,andhehasoneofmy rescueteamwithhim.
“Hey,sothisisBilly.He’sgotasnowcatandhasverykindlyofferedtotakeustomycabin,whichisn’tthatfarfromhere.” HespeakssoquicklythatIcanbarelykeepupwithwhathesays.
“Youhaveacabin?”
Hepullsupandgivesmeanoddlook.“Again,that’swhatyoutookfromthatsentence?”
Ithinkaboutitforasecond,thenturntothemedic,astoutoldermanwithawhitebeard He’dmakeaperfectdepartment storeSantaClaus.“Hi,Billy.Thankyoufortherideoffer.”
“Noproblem,”hesays,glancingbetweenIanandme.“Happytohelp.”
I’mabouttoaskifBillycangivemearidetomyhotel,butIanstartstalkingbeforeIcangetthewordsout. “No,hecan’ttakeyoutoyourhotel.Ialreadyasked.”HepatsBilly’sshoulder.
“Sorry,I’vegottogettomydaughter’shousebeforethestormsettlesin,”Billysaysapologetically “Butifwe’reableto leaveshortly,Icanatleastgetyoufolksoutofhereandsomewheremorecomfortable.” “Right Letmegofindthatdoctoraboutarelease,”Iansays,headingoutoftheroomagain “Ishouldgowarmupthesnowcat,”Billysays,puttinghisbrightredwoolencapbackon.“I’llseeyouinalittlebit.” And, I’msuddenly left alone again. Things are at least happening, but they’re happening without me. I don’t like this feeling I’mnotincontrolofanything.
Ian
AftercarryingMackenzieinsidethecabinandplantinghersafelyonthecouch,Irunbackouttothesnowcatandgrabher crutches.
“Youtwostaysafe,”Billysayswithasmile “Thesestormscanbeunpredictable You’vegotmynumbernowifyouneed anything.”
InodandgiveawaveasIshutthecabdoor.Ionlyhesitateforamomenttowatchwhat,forallintentsandpurposes,isa minitank,rollonitstreadsintothedarkeningsquall.
Shuttingthedoortothecabinbehindme,Istompandshakethesnowfrommypersonandkickoffmyboots,gladtobeout ofthefrigidcold
“DidwereallyjusthitcharidewithSantaClaus?”Mackenzieasksfromacrosstheroom.Icanhearinhervoicethatshe’s stillalittleloopyfromthemorphine
“Indeed,wedid,”Isay,searchingfortheremoteforthefireplace.It’swarminherefromthefurnace,butnotaswarmas I’dlike.“Didn’tyouseethatbagoftoyshehadbehindhisseat,orRudolphleadingushere?”
“Iwonderedwhatthatwas,”shelaughs “Ithoughtitmightbeabody” “Abody?”Iask,glancingovertohertoseeifshe’sokay.
“Yeah ” she furrows her brow as ifconcerned aboutherselfnow, too “Sorry, Ihangoutwiththe guys too much They watchalotofhorrorfilms.”
“Ah,”Inodmyunderstanding Itmakessense
“Whatareyoulookingfor?”sheasks,herlaughdyingdown.
“Thebloodyremoteforthefireplace.Idon’tseeitanywhere.”
Sheburstsoutinlaughteragain,andnowIknowforsurethatshe’slostit “What?”Iask,genuinelyconcernedforhermentalstate.“What’ssofunny?”
Shepointstothesideofthelargefireplacethattakesuphalfofthebackwallofthelargecabin
“Seeall that?”sheasks,wavingher handslowlyupanddown.“That’s calledfirewood.WeusethathereinAmericato buildfires”
It’sonlythenthatIseethecordofwoodstackedagainstthesideoftherockfireplace.Ican’thelpthechucklethatbubbles upasIfeelmyfaceheat.
Fucking hell
“Inmydefense,myfireplaceathomeisgasandusesaremote.And,Ihaven’tspentalotoftimehereyet.”Iheadoverto thewoodpileandstartconstructingafire “IhappentoalsobeAmerican,justsoyouknow Dualcitizenship” “Oh,really?Whendidyouconvert?”
AsnortescapesmebeforeIcancontrolit.Iglanceovermyshoulderathertogiveasnarkyreplyandseeherstrugglingto shrugoutofherskijacket. Shit. I should have got her settled first.
“Damn.Forgiveme.Ishouldhavemadeyoucomfortablebeforerunningaroundtryingtodoeverythingelse.”Irushover andhelpheroutofhercoat,andassheleansback,Ipropherbadlegunderapileofthrow pillows Sheonlyflinchesonce “Better?WhatelsecanIgetyou?Hotcocoa?Tea?”
“Youcanstuffyourtea,”shesays,pullingthethrowblanketIplaceoverheruptoherchinasshecloseshereyes “I’lltake someofthefirstthing.”
“Hotcocoa?”
“Yes,please.”Her voicedrifts off,andIthinkshemightbefallingasleepagain.Thepainmedicinesuredoes knockher out.
Iheadintothekitchenareaandstartrummagingthroughthecabinets.Iwashopingtofindsomeinstanthotcocoapackets, butdon’tfindany.ThecoupleIrentedthisplacefromlastminutesaidthecabinwasstocked,which,for themostpart,itis. Justnococoa
Standinginthemiddleoftheroom,staringattheflickeringreflectionofthefirelightonthecopperpanshangingabovethe island, I scratchmyhead Myeye catches onthe gift basket left as a ‘welcome’present or somethingfor me More like a ‘Thanks for overpaying for your stay,’ gift.Siftingthroughtheitems,IfindwhatIwaslookingfor:Astackofdarkchocolate bars Perfect
Iwarmupsome milkina potonthe stove as Ibreakone ofthe bars intosmall pieces, andonce the milkis steaming, I lowertheheatandaddthechocolate,stirringitconstantly.I’minstantlytransportedbacktowhenmymotherusedtomakethis formeoncoldLondonafternoonsaftercominginfromsleddingonahilldowntheroadwithmyfriends
Iguesswintersportshavealwayskindofbeenmything.
Isendsomequicktextstomakesurealliswellatthehotel,andoncethecocoaisready,Ipouritintomugsandheadback intothemainroom.Mackenziedidfallasleep,soIstokethefireinthefireplaceandsitbacknexttoher.WhileIdidtrytobe carefulnottowakeher,sheopenshereyesandsquintsintothefireforaminute
“Youokay?”Iask,gentlypushingalockofherhairoutofhereyes.“Imadehotcocoaforyou.”
She wakes inearnest thenand holds her hands out ina grabbymotion. Takingthe mugfromme, she wraps her fingers arounditandbreathesinthesteam “Thissmellsamazing” “I’llpassonyourcomplimentstomymother.It’sherrecipe,”Ismile,stillalittlenostalgicformycarefreechildhood. Hermughaltshalfwaytoherlips,andhereyeswiden “Wait,thisisn’tpackagedhotchocolate?” Ishakemyhead.“Nope.Madewithmyowntwohands.”
“Holyshit.Marryme.”SheclampsahandoverhermouthasIraiseaneyebrowather.“Ididn’t...Imean--” “Did youjust propose to me, Mackenzie?” Iask, pretendingto be serious. “Don’t youthinkit’s just a tad premature? I mean,I’veknownyouforawhile,but...”
Her face has gone beet red, and it’s extremely difficult for me to hold in my laughter “I didn’t mean that, for real Obviously.Itwasjustasaying.”
Icreasemybrowsinmockconfusion “Hmm Asyou’vesokindlypointedout,I’mnotoriginallyfromhere,soisthatan “American”saying?Youjustgoaroundaskingpeopletomarryyou?Oddtradition.”Imakesuretouseairquotestorileherup evenmore.
ShefinallycatchesonthatI’mmessingwithher,butshe’sstillembarrassed.
“Ohmygod,fuckoff,”shesays,blowingonhercocoa.Agrinfindsitswayandbreaksthrough.It’sbeautiful.
Actually,inthewarmfirelightoftheroom,everythingaboutherisbeautiful Sheseemstoglow,despiteeverythingshe’s beenthroughtoday.Before,Ithoughtitwasjustherkineticenergysinceshe’salwaysonthego,alwaysgettingthingsdone.I neverstoppedtoreallylook ather
Andshe’sstunning.
Betweenherlongamethysthair,widevioleteyes,andthatdamnsharpsenseofhumorandintelligence,it’simpossiblenot tonoticeherbeauty IfeelasifI’vecaughtsomesortofmysticalbeingfromthefaewild,andamthefirstpersontoseehertrue nature.
“EarthtoIan,”Ihearhercallmyname,anditsnapsmeoutofmyreverie,butI’mstillstaringather Iquicklyavertmygazetothefireandclearmythroat.“Sorry,Izonedoutforaminutethere.Didyousaysomething?”
Sheeyesmecuriouslyforasecond “Isaidtodefinitelygivemycomplimentstoyourmother Thisisamazing”
“Oh,ofcourse,”Isayandshiftabituncomfortably.“I’lltellher.”WhatIdon’tsayisthatmymotherandIhaven’texactly gottenalongsincemydivorcefromBrianna.Butthen,mymotherhasn’tunderstoodmanyofmylifechoices;theband,moving toAmerica,anyofit I’manenigmatoher Alwayshavebeen
Myawkwardresponseearns meanother oddlookfromMackenzie,butshedoesn’tpress meonit,andI’mgrateful.The lastthingIwanttodorightnowisdiscussmymother Though,tobefair,Ididmentionherfirst “So, how did yousnagthis winter palace while the restofus had to bookthe no-tell motel bythe airport?” She sounds annoyed,andrightfullyso ItdoesappearasthoughI’vegottenspecialtreatmentwithmylodging
“Well,asmentioned,Iwasalast-minuteadditiontotheentourage,andRon’sroomwasalreadygivenaway.So,Ioffered togetmyownaccommodation.And,well,”Iholdasweepingarmout,“whowouldn’tchoosethisiftheycould?”
Shearchesaneyebrowatme,andIhavetolookawaybeforeIgetloststaringatheragain
“But,micasaestucasa,asitwere,”Isay,glancingoutthewindowsatthesnowstormragingoutside.“Itlookslikeyou’re stuckroughingitherewithmefortonightatleast”
Somethingchargedstirsintheair betweenus,andneitherofussaysanythingelseabouther havingtostaythenightwith me.
Andnow,it’sallIcanthinkabout. Fuck.
Toothpick
Mackenzie
Ireallywishtheawkwardnessthatjustlandedbetweenuswasn’tthere ThingsweregoingsowellbeforeIwentandmade itweirdbyaskinghimtomarryme.
What the fuck was that?
I’mstillnotfeelinganypain,thankstotheresidualmorphinefromtheIVIhad.UnlessImove,thenIreallyfeelitallthe wayuptomyhip.So,itlookslikeI’llbestuckinthispositiononthecouchfortheforeseeablefuture.
“IsthereanythingelseIcangetyou?”Ianasksinagentlevoice.“Areyouhungry?” Irollmyeyes.“Don’ttellmeyoucooktoo.Imayproposeagain.”
Hechuckles,hischestshakingwithlaughter “Ok,Iwon’ttellyouthen” Isipmycocoa,keepingmygazefixedonthefire.Ican’thelpmyownsmile,though.“Ofcourse,youdo.”
“Now,whatdoesthatmean?”heasks,feigningdefensiveness “Youjusttoldmenottotellyou What’sapoorcookingsod todo?”
HissmilecatchesmeoffguardagainasIglanceathim.Hereallyistooperfect.FromwhatIknowofhim,anyway.Which isn’tmuch
WemetseveralyearsagoattheRaveninLasVegaswhenMurderousCrowswerestillnobodies.Ianwasinstrumentalin gettingthemsignedalongwithElizaKerr,oneofthemajorlabelexecutives ItwasalongprocesswithBlackmore,sincethe bandkeptfuckingupshowcases,andsingerJake’sgettingarrestedandwrongfullychargedforthendrummerAndy’sdeathina tragic car accident Ithasn’tbeenaneasyroad to getwhere we are Butwe wouldn’tbe here atall ifIandidn’tbelieve in them,inus.He’sbeenoneofourbiggestcheerleaders.
Weowehimalot.
As he sighs heavily and stares into the fire, I take advantage of the chance to examine him a little closer With his knowledge ofthe music industry,I’ve always foundhimattractive.He’s always goodfor a stimulatingconversation.Andhe seemstobereadywithajokeorsomethingtolightenthemoodwheneverthingsgettooheavy
Likeinthehospital.
Ifhewasn’ttheretoliftmymood,Imighthavespiraledwithanxiety Buthewascalmandcool-headedinanemergency I don’tknowwhatIwouldhavedoneifhehadn’tstoppedontheslopeandsavedme,either.ForallIknowIcouldstillbeon thatmountain,freezingtodeath.Iwasextremelyluckyhewasthere.
“Thankyou,”Isay,butitcomesoutasawhisper
Hegivesmeanoddlook.“Youdon’thavetokeepthankingmeforthecocoa.I’mbeginningtounderstandthatyouhavea thingforchocolate”
“No,Imean thank you,”Ireachoverandplaceahandonhisarmtoshow I’mnotkiddingaroundrightnow,“forsaving me. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t come by when you did. And, letting everyone know I was okay, bringingmehere,givingmeshelter,takingcareofme...Itmeansalot.”
He seems takenabackbymygratitude and makes a face. “Ijustdid whatanyone would have done inthe situation. You don’thavetothankme”
Ishake myhead athis naiveté. “Onthe contrary, inmyexperience, general kindness and willingness to getinvolved in someoneelse’sshitisfuckingrare”
Heshrugs,andhislongbangsfallintohisgreeneyes.He’squicktopushthembackinawell-practicedmove.Thetattoos onhisbareforearmsdanceinthefirelight.“Well,I’msorrythat’sbeenyourexperiencethusfar.”
“Imean,sure,therearenicepeopleintheworld,butmostofthemdon’tworkinthisindustry.”
Heeyesmethoughtfullyfortoolong,andIhavetolookaway.It’stoointense.“You’reawfullyjaded,aren’tyou?”
Idon’tevenhavetothinkbeforeanswering.“Idefinitelyam.”
“Thenwhydoyoudoit?Whystayinabusinessthatyouviewsonegatively?”
TiltingmyheadtothesideasIthink,Istarttotwirloneofmylongbraids;oneofafewhabitsI’vehadforeverwhenIthink hardaboutanything.“Justbecauseothersareassholes,doesn’tmeanIhavetobeone.It’sallego.Icanhandleego.”
He turns to face me directly, curlinga legunder himand stretchinganarmonthe top ofthe couchbehind me “Butwhy wouldyouwanttosubjectyourselftothatkindofenvironmentvoluntarily?I’mnotseeingtheattractionforyou.”
“Well ”ItrytothinkhowIcanexplainwhy IdowhatIdo Idon’tusuallygetthisintrospectiveaboutit Ijustdomyjob “BecauseI’mresponsibleforthelivelihoodsofalotofpeople.Andnotjusttheband.Therearealotofpeoplewhocounton metokeepthistrainrolling.Ican’tjustwalkawayfromthatbecausesomeassholehurtsmyfeelingsbecausehedoesn’tthinka womancandowhatIdo”
“Doyouthinkyou’rethatimportant?”heasks,butit’snotmean.He’sgenuinelycurious.
Andthatquestionhitsmerightintheheart RightwhereI’vemademyjobmyentirepersonality Myentirelife Iwantto thinkI’mindispensable,butashe’sprovingwithChaosFuel,I’mnot.
I open my mouth automatically to confirmthat, yes, I’messential to keeping this whole circus going I’mthe glue, the backbone, the master strategist behind the scenes. They’d be lost without the ‘Rock Band Dragoness, Mackenzie Roberts’ callingtheshots.
Butthewordsturntoashesonmytongue Self-importanceisnowapetpeeveofmine DoIstillreallythinkofmyselfas somesaviortheycouldn’tsurvivewithout?
Iusedto Notanymore
Iswallowhard,chasingthefleetingcertaintyI’mirreplaceable.MaybebeforelosingAndy.Thatdaysomethingchanged.I recognizedthatchaosgovernsall,nomatterwhatsafeguardsIputintoplace.Onedrunkennightstealsafriendandteachesyou thatyou’rejustanotherreplaceablecogwhenitcomesdowntoit.
“Ithink...”Istartslowly,“thatIhaveanorganizedmindotherslack.Ithrivehandlingmovingparts.”Ianleansin,curiosity piquedbymyhesitation “Butindispensable?”Isigh “Nobodyisirreplaceable Evenme”
There’s a hardtruthinacknowledgingmyexpendabilitythatcurdles inmygut.I’mnotthe star power.Never have been. Foronce,notsurewhatelsetosay,Itakerefugeinmycoolingcocoa,eyesdowncast
“I guess anyone could probablydo myjob,” I say, “Not as well, mind you, but sure, anyone could step inand tickthe boxes.Buttheywouldn’tknowtheinsandoutsofthedynamicswithinthebandthathaveformedovertheyears.OnlyIdo.”
Hemeetsmygazeandholdsitforawhileasheconsidersmyanswer.“Youcareaboutthem.Theband.”
“Well, yeah. Of course.” I can’t help but laugh at the crazy situations with the band that pop into my head. But then I remember losingAndyagain, and mylaughter dies He’s beenonmymind oftenlately “We’ve beenthrougha lottogether Walkedthroughthefireandendeduphere.We’refamily.”
“Family,huh?”
“Yeah, we’re a sort of found family. And, let me tell you, if babysitting those guys is any indication of how stressful parentingis,no,thankyou.I’mgood.”
“Youdon’twantyourownfamilysomeday?Kids?”Somethingcloudshisexpressionforaflashbeforeheblinksitaway Iscrunchmynoseatthethought.“No.Idon’tthinkI’mmadeforkids.Ilovethem,don’tgetmewrong.ButI’mdefinitely not mommaterial I’mjustnotbuiltthatway”
Thethoughtofchildrenpopsintomyheadonoccasion,especiallywithChelsie’sgrowingbrood,butIjustcan’tpictureit. Plus,asIjusttoldIan,Ifeelresponsibleforthelivesofalotofpeoplealready Idon’twanttoaddtomystress Imean,neversaynever,butIdon’tthinkit’sinmycards.Andnomanthusfarhasevermademegiveitasecondthought. “Whatmakesyouthinkthat?”heasks.Andheseemsgenuinelyinterested,butI’mnotsurewhattomakeofthat.
Shrugging,Ican’tthinkofanythingelsetoaddtowhatI’vealreadysaid “Idon’tknow It’sjusthowI’vealwaysbeen” Henodsandlooksaway,andforsomereason,IfeellikeI’vedisappointedhimwithmyanswer.
Odd
Hard Not to Hold You
Ian
A strained silence settles around Mackenzie and me once our weighty conversation dies off I can’t deny my deep disappointmentatheropiniononmotherhood,consideringmyownfamily.
So,whythehelldidn’tImentionmygirls?
Oh, you don’t want kids? Well, guess what? I have not just one, but two of them. Cross me as a partner off your list right away then
Something about her being so emphatic against kids just made me clamthe fuck up. Like I’d have to defend my own somehow.
It’sbloodyirrational
Iclear mythroat, castingabout for a wayto recapture the earlier easiness betweenus. Mygaze lands onthe bookcase liningthefarwall
“Well,atleastthere’splentytoreadifwegetbored,”Isayalittletoobrightly.Icrosstheroomtoperusetheeclectictitles, seekingrefugefromthesuddentension.
Mostare dime-store paperbackthrillers and mysterynovels, alongwithsome heftyhistorical biographies Butone slim goldvolumestandsout,moreornate. ‘If...’ isetchedinredscriptacrossitsleatherspine.Curious,Icrackitopen.
Myeyes widenas Iscanthe pages filled withquestions Daring, suggestive questions for lovers like, ‘If you could be amazing at only one thing in bed, what would it be?’ Heatfloodsmycheeks.Isnapthebookshut,glancingsheepishlybackat Mackenzie
“Findsomethinggood?”sheaskswithaglintinhereye.
“Oh,um...justabookofratherpersonalquestions...”Itrailoff,handsfidgetingwiththebinding.
Hereyessparkleimpishlyassheholdsahandoutforthebook “Letmesee Wecouldtradeoffandaskeachothersome” “What,really?”Iblink,takenabackevenascuriositystirs.
“Forfun Togettoknoweachotherbetter”Aplayfulsmiletugsherlips “I’llgofirst” “Butthesequestions...Idon’tknow...”
“Comeon Whatelseistheretodo?”
Heartquickening,Ireluctantlypassherthebook.
What have I gotten myself into now?
AthrillofanticipationchasesmynervesasIsettleontothecouchnexttoher
“Alrightthen,firstquestion,”shebegins,mischiefdancinginhereyes.Theawkwardnessbetweenusmelts,buttheroom nowcrackleswithanewtension Sheflipsthroughthepages,eyeswideningasshereads “Ohwow Theseare interesting” “Ididtellyoutheywerepersonalquestions,”Isay,reachingtotakethebookbackfromher,butshepullsitoutofmyreach withalaugh.
“No,no.Thiscouldbefun,”shesayswithaslysmile.“Okay,noreadingaheadoftime.I’lljustturntoapage,andwhere myfingerlandsisyourquestion,cool?”
MythroatgoesdryjustatthethoughtoftalkingaboutthesethingswithMackenzie,butsheseemsinterested Atleastitwill distractfromtheconversationaboutkids.
Inod “Justrememberthiswasyouridea”
“Okay, here we go.” She licks her lips as she flips pages without lookingand points to a spot ona randompage. Her cheeksredden,andIinstantlyregretthis.“Ifyoucouldhavechangedonethingaboutthefirsttimeyouhadsex,whatwouldit be?”
Sheshutsthebookloudlyandrestsherchinonherfist,givingmeanintensestare.Herlipsaretwitchinglikeshe’saboutto
breakoutintoraucouslaughter.
“Fuckinghell,”Isigh,rubbingatthescruffonmyjaw.“WhatI’dchangeaboutthefirsttimeIhadsex...Wouldhavebeen nicetolastlongerthanthirtyseconds,forstarters”
ThebarkoflaughterMackenzieletslooseechoesinthecabin,andit’scontagious. “What?It’strue,”Ichuckle,embarrassed “Thatpoorgirl IhadnocluewhatIwasdoing” “Ohno,howoldwereyou?”sheasksbetweengiggles.
“God,Iwaswhat?Sixteen?”Ishakemyhead “Itwasagirl frommyneighborhood Darlene Shewaseighteen,andher familywas movingawaytoInverness.Ithinkitwas more outofpitythananythingelse.Ofcourse,atthatage,Ididn’tcare aboutthewhy.Ijustwantedmycardpunched,youknow?”
Shepouts,butit’sgood-naturedribbing “Youpoorthing”
“Iknow.Itwasverytraumaticforallinvolved.”IthinkthecoysmirknowonmyfaceisgoingtobepermanentifIholdit muchlonger IgrabthebookfromMackenzie’slapbeforeshecanaskmeanymoreaboutthatembarrassment “Yourturn Let’s see...Hmm.”IhavetoclearmythroatasIglanceatthequestion. This was her idea. “Ifyouweretonameafavoritespoton yourbodywhereyoulikedtobetouched,whatwoulditbe?”
Istealalookherwayasshehearsthequestion,andseeherexpressionrollthroughabouttenemotions.Hercheeksheat, andIhavetorestrainmyselffromreachingouttoseejusthowwarmsheis.
“Yikes Whoseideawasthisstupidgame?”shelaughsnervously “Ibelieveitwasyours,”Isay,knowingexactlyhowsmugIlookrightnow.
“Okay,okay,letmethink”
“Oh,dotakeyourtime.”
“Stopit.”
“I’mnotdoinganything.”
“Yes,youare.Andyouknowit.”Shestillcan’tmeetmyeyes,andit’sdelicious.
“Fine Iwon’tsayanotherword”Imoveasifzippingmylipsshutandthrowingawayakey,butIdon’tstopwatchingher squirm.Idon’tthinkI’veeverseenMackenzieunsettledlikethisbefore,andit’sintriguing.Somethingaboutknowingshehasa delicatesideissofuckingattractive UnderneaththathardshellisasoftnessIdidn’tknowshepossessed Iwanttoseemoreofit.
Shestraightenshershouldersasifsteelingherselfagainstherownanswer.It’scompletelyquirky,andperfectlyMackenzie. “Well, other thanthe obvious,” her eyes lower, butdon’tfocus onanythinginparticular, butIgetthe gist. “Iwould saymy neck.”
Herfingersseemtoautomaticallygotothespot,andmywillpowerdisappears Ireachoutandgrazemyfingertipsslowly alongtheskinjustbelowherear,revelinginthesoftnessofit.
“Here?”Iask Myvoiceisrougherthannormalasmythroattightens Goosebumpsriseonherskin,andsheshiversasshecloseshereyesatmytouch.Asmallgaspescapesherlips,andI’m instantlyhard.KnowingthatonesimpletouchfrommecangetsomeonelikeMackenziearousedismorethanaturn-on.It’sthe stuffwetdreamsaremadeof Andnotjust‘ someone like’ Mackenzie,butactually Mackenzie Itbogglesmymind Her sharp intake of breath emboldens me. I trace light circles, documenting her reactions. Each new swirl pulls a whisperedgaspfromherlips I’mdrunkonthispower,ontheheadinessofreducingsteelyMackenzieRobertstoputtywitha merecaress.
Myfingers linger, and she doesn’t move away Idon’t want to stop touchingher, but as Isee her braced legout ofthe corner ofmyeye, Iknow this is anunusual situation. She mightstill be under the effects ofmorphine, and notclear inher thoughts.Idon’twanttodosomethingshe’llregretinthebrighterlightofday.
PartofmewarnsthatI’mtakingadvantage,thatthisintimacyisonlybornofextenuatingcircumstancesandmedication But anotherdarkerpartwhirlsinexhilarationatthisfirstcrackinherarmor,thisglimpsebeneaththesurfaceatthewarm,wanting womanwithin
Reluctantly,Ipullmyhandback.“Sorry,”Iwhisper.“Icouldn’thelpmyselfwhenyoupointedoutthespot.”Idon’treally haveagoodexcuseforwhyItouchedherotherthanIcouldn’tstopmyself,andthat’snotanexcuseatall
Hereyesopenslowly,andsheseemstocomeoutofatranceasshefocusesonthefire.“No,it’sfine.Really.”Shewon’t lookmyway,andIdon’tknowwhattomakeofthat.MaybeIdidgotoofar.“Ishouldprobablygetsomesleep.I’mhavinga hardtimekeepingmyeyesopen”
Istudyherforasecond,lookingforalie,butnotseeingone.Ofcourse,she’sprobablyexhausted.Ineedtogetmymind outofthefuckinggutter,andbackintoreality
Gettingupfromthecouch,Ijumpintoaction.“Right.Waithere.I’llgeteverythingreadyforyou.” “But--”
Idon’tletherfinishherprotest,andhurrytothebedroomtopreparetheroomforher.Knowingshedoesn’thaveanyofher luggage withher, Ilayoutone ofmyT-shirts and a pair ofsweatpants witha drawstringwaist. Inthe énsuite bathroom, I
double-checkthattherearetoiletriesshecanuseandatoothbrush.
WhenIemerge,I’msurprisedtofindMackenzieinthemiddleoftheroomonhercrutches,ascowlonherface.
“Areyouokay?”Iask,rushingovertohertoassistifsheneedsit
Shewavesmeoff,clearlyexhausted.“Yeah,yeah.I’mfine.Ijusthatebeinganimposition.Yourentedthisnicecabin,and hereIamtakingyourbed Itdoesn’tseemfair”
Iforcemymindtoskipovertheshortlistofrisquéretortsitwasinstantlyplanningtoletlooseandstumbleintomodesty.
“Don’teventhinktwiceaboutit,”Isay,helpingtousherherintotheroom “AsIsaid,I’mgladIcanbeofassistance”I watchher carefullyas she moves around, makingsure she seems steady. “Do youwantme to stickaround or help youwith anything?”
Ishovemyhandsinmypockets,tryingnottoappearasawkwardasI’mfeelingatthemoment
Shesurveystheroomquicklyandshakesherheadconfidently,finallymeetingmyeyes.“I’llbeokay.Thankyouagainfor everything,Ian”
ThesoundofmynameinhervoicestirssomethinginmethatIhaven’ttappedintoinaverylongtime,andIcanonlynod.I don’tentirelytrustmyvoice
Finally,afteranextendedbeat,Ibackoutofthedoorway.“Goodnight,Mackenzie.” “Goodnight.”
Whataninterestingevening
Hands
Mackenzie
I’m speeding down the slope again, icy wind biting my cheeks My skis slice through glittering powder, legs burning as I push my limits. I feel powerful, invincible. Until the ground disappears beneath me
My stomach lurches as I sail off the cliff’s edge, suspended hauntingly in the air. Desperately I twitch in my sleep, trying to turn my phantom skis back to solid ground
But gravity takes over The earth rushes up in a blur of white and red I start to slide and can’t stop I’m going to slide off the earth. Blinding pain splinters through my leg as it smashes against unforgiving metal.
I jolt awake witha screamtrapped inmythroat; sheets tangled around me Cold sweat chills myskin Withinthe dark cocoonofblankets,Ican’tstifleasob,tearsspillingdownmycheeks.
“Justa nightmare,” Irepeatitlike a mantra,clutchingmythrobbingleg Butthe darkroomechoingmyraggedbreaths is strange.Idon’tknowthisroom.Ifeelsolost,wounded,alone.
Myheartthreatenstopoundoutofmychest.I’veneverfeltsoshaken,sounabletopullmyselfbacktogether.
Thedoortothebedroomfliesopen,andlightfromthehallwaypoursin IsquintasIan’ssilhouetterushestowardme “Mackenzie,whatisit?What’swrong?”Theworryinhisvoiceonlyseemstointensifyeverythingwrongwithme. Mymindreplaystheaccidentoverandover,andmylegisaspainfulasitwaswhenithappened
“Ijust...Idon’tknow,”Isay,anditcomesoutasasqueak.“Itwasabaddream.”
He’satmysideinaninstant,armswrappingaroundmeandpullingmetohim Idon’tfighthim,andallowmyselftofeel safeasIburymyfaceintohischest.Ican’tseemtocatchmybreath.
“I’vegotyou.Itwasjustanightmare.Hush,”hesoothes,rockingmeandsmoothingmyhair.“It’salright.You’resafenow. You’resafehere”
AsIwakeupmore,thepaininmylegseemstolessen,andtheembarrassmentofthesituationstartstodawnonme.I’m actinglikeachild;cryingoverabaddream Thisisreallyaboveandbeyonddramatic Ian’sgoingtothinkI’mafool
That’swhenInoticethathe’snotwearingashirt,andI’vebeenblubberingintohisbarechest.Hiswell-tonedbarechest. Thatsmellsamazing
Shit.
Ipull awayabruptlyandwipeunceremoniouslyatmywateryeyes,sniffling.“Sorry.Ididn’tmeantowakeyou.I’mfine now Thanks Sorry”
He’sstill holdingmyshoulders,butnow atarm’slength.Icanfeel himstudyingmeinthegoldensliver oflightfromthe hallandIwantnothingmorethantocrawlunderthisbedandhide Ifeellikeacompleteidiot
“It’s quite alright.” He hesitates, and I can feel his body tense slightly as he tries to piece together what to do with a hystericalwomaninhisbed.“Areyousureyou’reokay?Whataboutyourleg?YouwereholdingitwhenIfirstcamein.Isit hurting?”
Heactuallysoundslikehedoesn’tthinkI’mcrazyorbeingoverlydramatic.He’sgenuinelyconcerned.Itsurprisesme,but alsomakesmeconsiderhisquestion
Itonlytakesasplitsecondtorealizethat,yes,mylegisreallyhurting.Inod.“Yeah.Imusthavemovedaroundtoomuchin mysleep”
“Or,thepaincouldbewhyyouhadthenightmareinthefirstplace.”
“Chicken.Egg.Eitherway,it’sscrambled,”Isay,notcaringwhichcamefirst,orwhatcausedwhat.Ijusthurt.
“Right.Letmegetoneofyourpainpills,”hesays,andbeforeIcanprotest,he’sgoneandbackwithapainpillandaglass ofwater.
