www.thecourieronline.co.uk Monday 12 May 2014 Sum Issue 1292 mer Free
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The Independent Voice of Newcastle Students
HEAVEN IS A HALFPIPE
We examine the thrill, camarderie and misconceptions of skate life p.30
FOOTY’S FASHION-MISTA p.16
Est 1948
AXIS OF TUNES ss.3
£13,500 for exams in Premier Inn - Breakfast not included
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EXCLUSIVE By James Simpson News Editor The University is paying Premier Inn £13,500 to hire the venue to hold exams because there isn’t enough space on campus. Students were left amused and confused when the Premier Inn appeared on their exam timetable with a number thinking it was a mistake. Hiring external exam venues this year has cost the University a total of £22,560. The budget hotel, which advertises rooms “from £35.00”, has set the University back £13,500.
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‘Pop-Up Library’ space forced uni to find an external venue
The remaining £9,060 is used to hire out Turbine Hall for both Semesters 1 and 2. Third year Classics student Danielle Kaye told The Courier that she didn’t understand why the University had to use external exam venues at such costs. She said: “It’s good to see that Newcastle University are spending my money wisely!” Academic Registrar Lesley Braiden explained that the venue is being used for the duration of the exam period due to the addition of the new ‘Pop-Up Library’ space occupying the Lindisfarne Room which is “normally used as a
large exam venue”. She added: “The use of external venues is not related to the current student population size. It reflects the need for “Good to see venues of a particusize to accomthat the uni lar modate certain coare spending horts for particular exams.” my money However, second wisely!” year Law student Victoria Armstrong expressed concern saying: “It seems bizarre that the University is expanding the student Continued on page 5
University for whom? •
Student experience continues to suffer as basic needs aren’t met
By The Courier Editorial In the news story to the left of this editorial you will read how students are being made to take exams in a budget hotel. For many of these students these will be the biggest exams of their lives that could well define what they do with the rest of their lives. Students who have had exams in the hotel before will talk about how noisy it is and the stress it causes. Noise from the motorway just outside, noise from the metro running under the building, noise from the hen party upstairs. Yet the University believes it’s acceptable for students to take life-defining exams in such an environment. Last week this newspaper wrote about the closure of the 24-hour reception and halls security at Castle Leazes. Yet just last weekend Leazes staff had to call out the police twice and call for two ambulances. At the start of the year we told you about more than 200 first years who were forced to find private accommodation because the University didn’t have enough space in halls. In our university, of just over 20,000 students, there are 700 of us using the welfare therapy service. There are only eight therapists. We all understand that the University doesn’t have a bottomless bank ac-
count. But what is up for debate is how much, and on whom, the University chooses to spend its money on. The university will tell you about the millions of pounds it spends on students, it does, but what it doesn’t tell you about is the even greater amount it spends elsewhere whilst not covering basic student expectations. For our annual fees of £9,000 you shouldn’t have to battle for a seat in the Robinson Library. For £9,000 you shouldn’t have to worry about queues to use the gym. For £9,000 you shouldn’t have to wait weeks to see somebody when you need help. There are major areas which students clearly feels require immediate investment, whether that be library space, sporting facilities or a lack of student accommodation. There were days when a university could afford to ignore many student demands but now the key financial driver has changed and with it so have the students. The rise in tuition fees may have been opposed by students but now that students are paying £9,000 their levels of expectation have justifiably increased. Students, and the key priorities which they highlight, have to be put at the top of the agenda, this is a new era of higher education and if Newcastle fails to react the impact will be substantial.
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News Editors: Anna Templeton and James Simpson Deputy News Editor: Sabine Kucher and Emily Keen courier.news@ncl.ac.uk | @TheCourier_News
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Stu Bru produce debut beer heading for the House of Lords
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COMMENT
9 11 SPORT LIBRARY LOATHING
Emily Keen has a bone to pick with beloved Mrs Robinson
PERSONAL POLITIK
Our definitive guide to finding your true leader
36 38
Graduate Tariq Bashir was shocked to discover he could not take to the stage after four hard years of work to accept his diploma. He received an email from Central New Mexico Community College, informing him that, for health and safety reasons he would not be able to use a ramp to enter the stage and collect his diploma. On the refusal of the college to let him onto the stage, Tariq spoke of his disappointment: “I have got to go to the bottom of the stage and not get that shining moment like everybody else was getting.”
Music
Wu-Tang wordsmith
A data scientist has discovered that hiphop artists including Wu-Tang Clan and Outkast have a much larger vocabulary than famed writers including Shakespeare. Matt Daniels compared the first 5,000 words from some of the bard’s classic plays, such as Macbeth and Hamlet, and words from the annotated lyrics website Rap Genius. The results showed that the rappers used more unique words in their first 35,000 words than Shakespeare did in his. Wu-Tang clan came near the top of the table with 5,895 unique words used compared to Shakespeare’s 5,170 unique words.
COMING OUT PARTY A few lesser known names to learn for Rio
Rampant shock
ix
PINT PREMIÈRE
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts”
Disgraceful
m
4 7
Two students to attempt a desert crossing using wind power alone
e h t
Wise words:
BLOWIN’ IN THE WIND
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Monday 12 May 2014
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Study drugged up
v1ctor casale
USA
World’s best dad
CRUYFF CHEAT SHEET Our World Cup guide for cool, edgy people
NRK P3
Trending
#gothselfie
Fans of all things gothic have taken Chainsmokers’ unlikely hit #SELFIE to a spooky new level. Revellers at last months’ Whitby Gothic Weekend took part in a parody of the song, sending in their best gothic selfies to be included in the parody video. Alternative Modelling Style and CogWheel Films even joined forces to make the video, complete with alternative gothic-themed lyrics.
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University
One lucky son in the USA has received the ultimate present from his father, a 180-foot backyard rollercoaster. Will Pemble, 50, spent six months building the roller-coaster after his son Lyle asked him to build one, inspired by a trip to a theme park. “I couldn’t think of a single good reason to say no so Lyle and I headed off to the lumber yard for a few supplies.” Pemble spent just $3,500 on the ultimate garden play park, now he and his son are being inundated with requests from friends and family to ride their home-made rollercoaster.
Bora Gurel
Nearly a fifth of UK students admit to using ‘smart drugs’ to help improve their academic performance and stay awake for longer, according to a survey carried out by The Oxford Tab. Modafinil and methylphenidate, prescription drugs used to treat brain disorders, are being bought illegally over the internet, the website claims. Professor Andrea Petroczi, of Kingston University, warned that there was little evidence that these drugs aided academic performance. “It’s not a magic pill,” she said. “It doesn’t work without putting the work in. It helps you to put more work in.” There is also a lot of controversy surrounding the potential side effects which include loss of appetite, diarrhoea as well as some people reporting personality changes.
Not so bigfoot?
New footage has emerged allegedly showing a legendary Sasquatch walking through the Tantalus mountain range in Canada. Also known as Bigfoot, Myles Lamont shot the video footage three years ago but only recently uploaded the footage to YouTube. Lamont is convinced that, judging by the speed of the creature’s travel, “the subject was clearly bipedal and was without snowshoes or a backpack and wearing all one coloured clothing.”
Russia
Profanity banned
Bizarre
Picture purr-fect
A cat has been pictured next to its own missing poster at its home in Cardiff. It is not known if the photo was staged or just a happy coincidence. However, many users of twitter have alleged that the cat in the photo is not the same one in the poster, that it is the cat’s twin, owing to its very similar black and white markings.
Editor George Sandeman Deputy Editor Tom Nicholson Web Editor Ben Brown News Editors Anna Templeton and James Simpson Deputy News Editors Sabine Kucher and Emily Keen Comment Editors Lydia Carroll and Joe Wood Deputy Comment Editor Victoria Armstrong Culture Editor Sam Summers Lifestyle Editors Evie O’Sullivan, Elizabeth Archer, Hazel Parnell and Katie Smith Fashion Editors Amy O’Rourke and Frances Stephenson Deputy Fashion Editor Rebekah Finney Beauty Editors Amy Macauley and Safiya Ahmed Arts Editors Millie Walton and Charlie Dearnley Deputy Arts Editor Laura Wotton Film Editors Muneeb Hafiz and Jacob Crompton-Schreiber Music Editors Kate Bennett and Ian Mason TV Editor Beth Durant Deputy TV Editor Helen Daly Science Editor Lizzie Hampson Deputy Science Editors Peter Style and Emad Ahmed Sports Editors Nick Gabriel, Freddie Caldwell and Francesca Fitzsimmons Copy Editors Lucy Davis, Emma Broadhouse and Megan Ayres
Rural Myth
Vladimir Putin has passed a new law prohibiting the use of bad language in public places. Potty-mouths could face fines of up to 2,500 roubles, or £41, if caught swearing. From the 1 July, swearing will be banned from arts and cultural events, including in films using obscene language. Where disputes arise, a panel of experts will decide what counts as a swear word. This harks back to the Soviet era, where artists were encouraged to embody ‘traditional values’.
The Courier is printed by: Print and Digital Associates, Fernleigh House, 10 Uttoxeter Road, Derby, Derbyshire, United Kingdom, DE3 0DA. Established in 1948, The Courier is the fully independent student newspaper of the Students’ Union at Newcastle University. The Courier is published weekly during term time, and is free of charge. The design, text, photographs and graphics are copyright of The Courier and its individual contributors. No parts of this newspaper may be reproduced without the prior permission of the Editor. Any views expressed in this newspaper’s comment pieces are those of the individual writing, and not of The Courier, the Students’ Union or Newcastle University.
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Monday 12 May 2014
Saving lots of lives one plastic breath at a time By Sima Nikolaeva Newcastle CPRiS committee held a CPR marathon outside the Student’s Union on 3 May to raise money for their society and awareness of the CPR procedure’s critical importance. The ‘CPRathon’ challenge consisted of volunteer teams taking turns to practise the extremely tiring CPR procedure on a mannequin over 12 hours from 10am until 10pm. Alongside the non-stop CPR procedure the event included pastry sales and thematic tutorials from the committee members. CPR stands for ‘cardiopulmonary resuscitation’ emergency procedure and involves chest compressions at least two inches deep at a rate of approximately 100 compressions per minute to pump blood through the heart and preserve brain function until treatment by medical professionals. Breaths can also be provided by either exhaling into the subject’s mouth or
nose or using a device that pushes air into their lungs. The CPR procedure can be extremely exhausting and therefore it’s advised to carry it out in pairs, switching turns every two minutes. “At CPRiS, we take medical and biomedical science students into schools to teach children aged 8-10”, said Anna from the committee. This year the society has expanded
she added. “In the beginning we try and give the mannequin a funny introduction then, alongside the CPR, we teach children the doctor’s ABC and at the end of our visit we give them a participation certificate which they can proudly show to their parents, so the next time we come they usually meet us cheerfully”, said Kate about their experience. “It is a great pleasure to deal with kids
“It’s a great pleasure to deal with kids as they are usually reactive and quite inquisitive, make efforts, and ask lots of questions” and now also helps out in the community by visiting youth groups and afterschool clubs once or twice a week. “The estimated total of the children taught during this academic year is about 740”, said 3rd year medical student Kate Woods, the CPRiS President. “In comparison with last year’s figure – 450 children – it’s quite a steady breakthrough”,
as they are usually reactive and quite inquisitive, make efforts and ask lots of questions”, said Nel Wyllie, also a 3rd year Medicine student. Studies suggest young adults are more likely to employ CPR correctly when taught the procedure at school around the age of 9-12 years. “The percentage of successful CPR efforts almost doubles
in cases where ‘pre-educated’ teenagers and adults are involved in CPR delivery”, claimed Nel. CPR is currently not part of the school curriculum and that is why CPRiS is committed to continuing their involvement in the community and training young people for free. “As far as I know, we are among those very few, if not the only ones, who still do not ask schools to pay anything, that is why, probably, they are all more than happy to take us in”, said Nel. In order to teach CPR effectively the society is still forced to borrow other mannequins from St John’s Ambulance when teaching a large group. “This is inconvenient and costly to our society as we have to get taxis to and from the storage facility and rely on volunteers to fund travel expenses. Not to mention that the upkeep of the mannequins we have purchased are very expensive as you have to replace
the ‘lungs’ each time you use them”, said Kate. “By now the society has around 80 members – medical students – and we’d really love to involve students from other courses and educate them too but because of the financial limitations we have to keep postponing these plans”, said Nel. “Support is increasing”, said Kate. “For example, the Medical School has recently kindly provided us £1000 to purchase a few more mannequins and some other bits of useful equipment. “And I really hope we keep getting more as they see how much we are actually doing”, she added. The committee were largely pleased with the response to the CPRathon event noting the willingness of passersby to have a go on the CPR dummy. Contributions to the work of the CPRiS can be made at [goo.gl/ISRD6X].
TASHING ON: The CPRiS society is trying to reach out to young people and make the life-saving training part of the school curriculum. Images: Sima Nikolaeva and Chris Bishop
4.news
Monday 12 May 2014
The Courier
‘Mind the Gap’ stands up to stigma By Sabine Kucher Deputy News Editor The Union’s long-running mental health campaign ‘Mind the Gap’ culminated in their first ever mental health conference last Saturday. The one-day event - which included a mental health fair, seminars and poster displays - was organised and delivered entirely by student volunteers. The day encompassed an array of sessions for the 170 or so delegates who were drawn from the student body and local communi“Conversaand they included tions between ty GPs, youth workers, delegates local teachers and and student University staff. Aimed at demysvolunteers tifying and defelt really pro- stigmatising mental ductive and health, some consessions meaningful” ference were put on by mental health charities such as ‘Time to Change’, ‘My Mind Matters’ and ‘Young Minds’ while others were organised by students with personal experience of mental health problems. Emily Waller, Welfare and Equality Officer and one of the organisers, said: “The student volunteers were all absolutely brilliant and the fact that many of them had personally experienced mental health problems meant that the conference was a really safe and accessible space where conversations between
delegates and volunteers felt really productive and meaningful.” The keynote speech by Dr Tom Brown from the Royal College of Psychiatry revolved around the resources available for treating mental health problems while the TV presenter and journalist Emma Woolf spoke about her own experience with anorexia and focused on the unhealthy relationship with food many people have. Amy Macauley, a third year Media, Communication and Cultural Studies student, commented: “Emma Woolf ’s speech gave everyone a point of reference and made it easy to talk about mental health. You didn’t need to speak about your own experiences.” Other sessions allowed delegates to learn how to have important conversations about mental illness and hear from ‘Time to Change’ about their work trying to tackle the mental health stigma nationally. Students attended meditation sessions, got free henna art and experienced a sensory room that showed what it is like to cope with certain mental health problems on a daily basis. Summing up the event Emily said: “NUSU have never done anything like this before, and the day was really a huge success. It was great to have so many and such a diverse mix of people discussing mental health. The feedback we’ve had so far has been brilliant and I’m pretty sure we smashed a lot of stereotypes and stigma.”
STIGMA SMASH: Emma Woolf spoke to students about her struggle with anorexia. Image: Chris Bishop
Mitra heads up TEDx conference in the Toon By Antonia Velikova Staff and student volunteers are coming together to present the first ever independently organised TED event. TEDxNewcastle has lined up several notable speakers from the University and North East region for the event on 8 June. With its mission to promote “ideas worth spreading” TED talks have become increasingly popular on the internet. Racking up millions of views on their YouTube channel, TED releases a short video each day featuring an individual, usually at the top of their field or profession, who talks about a particular issue they specialise in. The daily videos are recorded at TED conferences and TEDx events throughout the year and are held in countries from across the globe. In 2013 the University’s very own Professor Sugata Mitra won the TED Prize for his vision for “schools in the cloud”. The $1 million prize gave Mitra the means to install several ‘hole in the wall’ computers in a number of Indian slum communities and other poverty stricken countries that allowed children to receive free teaching via Skype from volunteers. He first pioneered his ‘hole in the wall’ experiment in 1999 when he carved a hole in the outside wall of a research building he worked in and placed an accessible computer in it. He found that groups of children from the neighbouring slum, with no prior experience or knowledge of computer use, could teach themselves to use the computer’s software.
To prove the experiment would work in an isolated environment, Mitra set up another ‘hole in the wall’ computer in a village 300 miles away. The project was so successful he recalled how “after a while one of the kids was saying we needed a faster processor and a better mouse!” The event will take place on 8 June, after most exams, in the Armstrong Building and will be centred around a ‘research and discovery’ theme. The day will end with an informal drinks reception where students “After a while and visitors will get a chance to minone of the gle with the day’s kids was speakers. TEDx are indesaying we pendently organneeded a ised events but forfaster proces- mally affiliate with sor and a bet- the TED organisater mouse!” tion. TED, which stands for Technology Entertainment Design, was started in 1984 by American architect Richard Saul Wurman. It was originally planned to be just a four-day conference in California but turned out to be something much larger and more popular than originally thought. The range of TED talks is now huge with the impact of body language to revolutionary green technology and the debate between a citizen’s right to liberty and a state’s need for security. TEDxNewcastle will take place on 8 June in the Armstrong Building’s King’s Hall. Tickets are now available from the event website, everyone is welcome to attend.
The Courier
Monday 12 May 2014
news.5
Arabian kites in 1,000km desert crossing By Anna Templeton News Editor In June two Masters students are going to cross the 1,000 kilometres over the Empty Quarter Desert using wind power alone. Chris Edwards and George Wadsworth, two Mechanical Engineering students, will attempt to be the first people to cross the notorious desert using kite buggies. The pair will travel from Dubai to Oman which should take them around three weeks. Ventures like this usually have vehicles “I’m sick of following but Chris my degree and George’s kiting and want to expedition will be do something entirely self-sufficient. exciting... June will also be Let’s cross a the hottest time of the year there to desert!” making the journey even more treacherous. The pair told The Courier how neither had experience of riding kite buggies. George said how they “took inspiration from these two Brazilian lads. When they were doing it, they didn’t actually practise, they only started when they got there. So if they can do it, we can do it,” he added. The boys will be raising money for Unseen UK, a charity which aims to give “safety, hope & choice” to human trafficking victims. The choice of cause came from Chris browsing the Internet. “I came across an article on human trafficking and I don’t
think it’s something you hear much about,” he said. “It’s horrible how huge the scale of the industry is. Recently we’ve heard about the Nigerian girls being kidnapped, but apart from that, it’s not something you hear about often.” Chris explained how one day, he just thought how “I’m sick of my degree and I want to do something exciting and different... Let’s cross a desert!” Last summer, the boys planned to embark on a smaller expedition walking over a section of the Sahara. But their plan was cancelled due to cost and other commitments. Chris and George told The Courier how they decided to scrap their original plan and aim even higher. “Our next jump to scale up our expedition was this one. Instead of practising we thought we’d just wing it and get on to the big one straight away,” explained George. Chris found that the Empty Quarter Desert would take about two months to walk across. “So how can I do that faster?” he said.“I found these things called kite buggies and thought we could use them. I asked George the next day if he wanted to cross a desert and he said yes. And that was that.” When asked how they were feeling about their expedition, Chris said that they were “quite confident. “And then from time to time I look back and think you must be an idiot to be that confident.” “We’re looking forward to it more than we’re worried about it,” George added. “We’ve got graduation coming up and, well, we just want to get on with the expedition!”
“The worst thing ever, hen parties running in and out” Continued from front page population when they can’t accommodate it”. Braiden described the use of external venues for exams as “quite normal” and explained that “in the past seven years, we think there was only one year when it was not necessary to hire an external venue”. First year Maths student Joe Harvey said: “I don’t see the problem with hiring the Premier Inn, it’s a lot closer to my house than other exam venues so it’s more convenient for me. My only concern would be the level of noise with it being quite close to The added road”. stress of hav- theThmain e Central Newing to locate castle budget hotel is situated next to your exam the A167, the censite ... puts tral motorway runyou at a dis- ning through the town and frequently advantage becomes congested at rush hour. The University stated that one of the reasons for hiring external venues was in order to reducing noise levels during exams. Braiden said: “Normally we do so [hire external venues] because of building work and/or refurbishments either to the usual venue or near the venue which would cause noise issues”. The Premier Inn in the city centre, just next to Liquid nightclub, holds a four
star rating on TripAdvisor but, echoing student concerns, a number of guests have commented about problems with noise with one writing, “city centre, very noisy”. This year is not the first the Premier Inn has been used. Former Medical student Richard Gentles said in his first couple of years there were “nice interruptions from the metro every 3 minutes or so”. Former Biomedical student Jessica Addison said it was the “worst thing ever, hen parties running in and out and running round upstairs.” Students have voiced concerns about the extra stress and pressure. Annie Morgan had English Literature exams in the Premier Inn last year. She stated: ‘The added stress of having to locate your exam site as well as simply being in an unfamiliar environment puts you at a disadvantage”. English Literature student Kate Dewey added: “I think its odd that students have to tackle additional hurdles when it comes to exam time”. She added: “Some of my flatmates last year took taxis as their location was pretty far away and they didn’t want to be rushing but this just means extra costs for us students.”
What do you think? Is noise in exams an issue?: www.thecourieronline.co.uk
SANDSTORMERS: The boys will be raising money for a human trafficking charity. Image: Chris Edwards
6.news
Monday 12 May 2014
The Courier
Grads build revolutionary restaurant app By Kate Dewey Three Newcastle graduates have developed a new initiative that hope to revolutionise the process of ordering food and drink restaurants and bars. Barbutlr is a mobile app that allows you to order food and drink without having to leave your seat and queue to be served. Umar Yusufu, cofounder and the business relations director of the business, spoke to The Courier: “BarButlr is a “Our focus is to digital menu and platform drive efficiency ordering targeting venues and service within the hospitality industry. standards Our focus is to within pubs, drive efficiency cafes, and and service standards within pubs, bars” cafes, and bars, as well as creating a more pleasant ordering experience from a patrons point of view, eliminating the need to queue at the bar waiting to be served.” The app is free to download and doesn’t charge for placing orders. It allows you to browse the restaurant’s menu and select your order. This is then processed through to the bar staff and the app keeps you updated on the progress of your order, letting you know when it’s ready for collection, or alternatively delivered by staff. Umar explained to The Courier that the app allows you to create a tab: “There
is added benefit for both venue and customer here, freeing up time in countless unnecessary payment transactions.” Umar graduated from this university in 1997 with a degree in Medical Biology. In 2013 Barbutlr Limited was launched as a result of Yusufu and his business partner Chris Moss’s desire to open their own bar: “We wanted to create a certain level of service that just wasn’t possible with traditional means, without having huge labour costs! BarButlr seemed the perfect solution, however there was no system on the market available to us, so we created it ourselves.” The business launched at the end of April and so far Barbutlr has over thirty venues listed under its scheme. Currently, the business is concentrated in Newcastle with the app being launched at bars in Jesmond, Gosforth and the city centre with the wider aim to become a digital device that can be used across the country. Yusufu described their plans and development: “We’ll be live in Dacantus on Grey Street within the next few weeks. “We have then shortlisted 12 bars to showcase BarButlr in during the World Cup, with the slogan “never miss a goal!” Over the summer we will be holding #dontqueue events with newly signed up venues across Newcastle and the North East.” The application can be downloaded within the bars, clubs, and restaurants that use Barbutlr by using a check-in system or alternatively from the Barbutlr website: www.barbutlr.com.
WAITER 2.0: The BarButlr app allows customers to order as soon as they’re seated. Image: Joe Wood
Researchers help slow premature aging processes By Anna Templeton News Editor Researchers have found out that restricting diet could lead to a slowed down aging process. Scientists from Newcastle have found a way to predict, and eventually treat, premature aging after studying proteins in mitochondria, colloquially referred to as the ‘battery packs’ of cells. The researchers used ‘interventions’ like calorie restriction to help prove their findings. In this process of restriction, cells are deprived of nutrients. Previous studies have shown that calorie restriction can cause mice to live longer. Calorie restriction resulted in important mitochondrial proteins being assembled into complexes. In a complex state, proteins work together more effectively, while on their own they generate toxic free radicals, which in turn cause cells to age more rapidly. If a similar mechanism is found in people it could lead to treatments, such as new drugs to improve protein assembly. Thomas von Zglinicki, Professor of Cellular Gerontology at the Institute for Ageing and Health in the university, said: “Essentially what we have found is that the ageing process goes slower than normal in mice that managed to form mitochondrial protein complexes more efficiently, and that we actually could
help them to do so.” Further research showed that the make up of the protein complex was key. If individual components were scarcer, assembly was perfect. Assembly worsened if more material was around. This then led to less ef“See how we ficient energy procan improve duction and more of oxygen the quality of release free radicals. these protein Dr Satomi Miwa, complexes in joint lead researchon the team and humans and er a specialist on mitowhether this chondrial function, would extend said: “This data a long way to healthy life” goes explaining how calorie restriction can improve mitochondrial function, extend lifespan and reduce or postpone many age-associated diseases.” von Zglinicki added: “We have shown here that complex assembly efficiency correlates to longevity differences in mice that correspond to one or two decades of healthy life in humans. “We have also shown that human cells age faster if we corrupt complex assembly. “What we now need to do is to see how we can improve the quality of these protein complexes in humans and whether this would extend healthy life.”
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news.7
Monday 12 May 2014
Stu Bru hopping into Tyne craft beer scene By James Simpson News Editor A group of students from the Stu Bru society have made their first batch of beer. The beverage, aptly named ‘Inaugural IPA’ was brewed in collaboration with Allendale Brewery during the Easter vacation period by a group of three students. The beer will be provided for an event being held at the House of Lords this week as well as making an appearance at the Chelsea Flower Show. Stu Bru encompasses a social enterprise microbrewery and the Student Union’s newly ratified Student Brewing Society. One of the students involved in producing the beer was Hugh O’Neill If successful, who said: “It was invaluable exthe group will an perience and on be the first fully both of our visits to the brewery student-run got to assist microbrewery we in brewing beer in Europe on their full kits which gave us a great insight into the inner workings of beer brewing and enabled us to become immersed into a world of brewing, literally, as we had to get inside some of the equipment!” Head brewer at Allendale, Neil Thomas, said: “It was great to have the Stu Bru team come and brew with us. They really mucked in and showed a lot of enthusiasm for the brewing process and had some great ideas for their first beer, without going over the top. As a result they have produced a really good quality IPA” Hugh explained that he came to the
society with limited knowledge and from the brew day he feels they could “confidently brew our own now thanks to the guys at Allendale who have been really accommodating with this and Neil has provided us with a lot of his expertise and experience which was great”. This production marks a milestone for the society who have spent the last six months working to set up a microbrewery on campus which will be exclusively run by students overseen by Student Community Action Newcastle, a charity based in the Students’ Union. If successful, the group will be the first fully student-run microbrewery in Europe. The Courier reported on the society in November who explained their aims were to involve students at every stage of the brewing process from sourcing sustainable ingredients to brewing the beer, all the way through to marketing and selling of the beer. Co-President Zelda Mendelowitz explained how “it’s all about educating students about what they consume and getting them involved in the real ale movement.” The project is funded by a grant from Students’ Green Fund and forms part of a £5 million fund managed by NUS which supports 25 projects chosen by a student-led assessment panel. The fund aims to “embed sustainability into the core purpose of English Higher Education”. The brewery in Newcastle is due to be up and running in time for the next academic year, “if things go to plan”, according to Zelda. Despite not being fully established the society is already receiving a lot of attention. Hugh said “We have received messages from several events asking if we would be interested in producing beer
ALE ABOARD: Members start mashing the grain for their Inaugural IPA. Image: Zelda Mendelowitz for them and we have also been asked to help with a beer app from a company in another country so that’s pretty amazing.” The team also want to get more
people involved, saying: “We haven’t done that much in the way of recruiting members and have only recently been ratified but we now have the ball rolling
and the numbers of members is rapidly increasing and we’re always excited to introduce more people to the fantastic world of craft beer brewing.”
Team pioneer device for breast cancer patients Six Marketing and Management students have teamed up with Ingrid Henderson, a recovering breast cancer patient, to launch a new product into the market. Last month the team competed at the Young Enterprise Start Up regional competition and have been chosen with their product to represent the North East at the national finals later this month. The team have been working since October 2013 through the University’s business enterprise module to launch their product.
be around £50 each time. Dawn Jones, from North Tyneside Breast Cancer Support, said: “It will actually work and benefit patients; it is very practical and very useful.” Since October the team, composed of Therese Dahl, Rachel Cara, Lauren Quinn, Sarah Hicks, Lisa Curry and Megan Lindsay-Bayley - mentored by Ingrid Henderson - plan to launch Pohcit in October 2014 to coincide with Breast Cancer Awareness Week. The team’s specific success at the Young Enterprise Start Up Regional competition were their wins for ‘Best Presentation’ and ‘Best Overall Start Up Business.’
Pohcit is a purpose-built drainage bottle bag for post-operative breast cancer patients. Most breast cancer patients go through both a lumpectomy and mastectomy and then a breast reconstruction. The product will prevent the drainage bottle (which is attached to the patient for around a week after each surgery) from falling over and decreases the chances of drains being pulled out. Pohcit is the first of its kind and has been well received by cancer patients. “It made life so much easier, in the hospital and at home as well, I could just put it over my shoulder and forget it was there,” said Jane Hawkins, a mastectomy patient. The NHS has also welcomed Pohcit as the cost to heal drainage wounds can
They will represent the North East in the National Young Enterprise competition in London. Rachel Cara, Finance Manager for Pohcit, told The Courier: “Being part of Pohcit and working towards making a real difference to recovering patients has been an exciting opportunity, The upcoming Young Enterprise National Competition is yet another excellent chance to get our business heard”. Megan Lindsay-Bayley, General Manager of Pohcit, said: “The Regional Young Enterprise competition was full of innovative business ideas, however our business is working towards making a real difference to recovering patients and we have so much opportunity to grow and expand.”
By Emily Keen Deputy News Editor
Pohcit is the first product of its kind and has been well received by breast cancer patients
LIFE-SAVING INNOVATION: The Pohcit team with the Mayor of Gateshead. Image: Ingrid Henderson
8.nationalstudentnews
Monday 12 May 2014
The Courier
NEWS STACK Anger after ‘retard’ branding
LITTLE JAKARTA: Food, music and workshops at the Indonesian society’s exhibition. Image: Emily Keen
Job Title: 50+ Forum Support Worker Employer: Age UK Closing Date: 13/05/14 Salary: £7.20 per hour. Basic job description: 50+ Forum Support Worker is required to work 20 hours per week, £7.20 per hour (over 3 days, primarily Mon, Wed, Thurs). The post holder will provide support to the Sunderland 50+ Forum and Older People Champion Network. This post is subject to a DBS Enhanced Disclosure. Person Requirements: With excellent I.T., organising and communication skills, you will be an experienced administrator with an interest in community development and campaigning. Location: Sunderland Job Title: Female Support Worker Employer: Edward Lloyd Trust Closing Date: 14/05/14 Salary: £6.74 per hour. Basic job description: We have exciting opportunities to join a team of staff in our Independent Living Services in North Tyneside working as a Support Worker. Supporting Female Service Users you will make sure they are the focus of your attention at all times, you will be involved in all aspects of daily living, supporting with personal care, promoting health and wellbeing and supporting the individuals to experience a range of recreational activities. You must be flexible in your approach with excellent communication and listening skills. You will be required to work on a variable rota to meet the individual needs of the service users you will be supporting, which may include some weekend and bank holiday work. Person Requirements: Experience with supporting people with learning disabilities is essential for this position. It is desirable that you hold a UK driving license and desirable that you hold an NVQ level 2 or equivalent in Health and Social Care. Location: Newcastle upon Tyne Job Title: Newcastle Work Experience – Graphic Designer Employer: Coast Print Closing Date: 19/05/14 Salary: £2,400 Bursary Basic job description: Coast Print is a design and print agency based in Whitley Bay. Our design department, Coast Creative provide eye catching marketing and advertising campaigns across a full spectrum of disciplines, from printed materials to TV advertising and online content.
The successful candidate will focus on designing for print using Adobe Creative Suite, alongside the creative director. The placement student will also be present during client briefs and reviews. Person Requirements: The successful candidate should have experience in working with the Adobe Creative Suite and have a keen eye for layout and attention to detail. Creativity and a passion for design is essential. Location: Whitley Bay Job Title: Kitchen Assistants Employer: Newcastle City Council Closing Date: 15/05/14 Salary: £7.55 per hour. Basic job description: The Government is implementing a policy of providing a free infant school meal to all infant aged pupils (reception, year 1 and year 2) in schools from September 2014. This will increase the numbers of school meals we need to produce across the City. We now have a number of part-time vacancies throughout the City. Previous experience is not essential, as full training will be given. We will also provide you with all the equipment you need for these posts, including a uniform. Various posts available: 15, 10 and 5 hours per week. Person Requirements: Candidates must be hardworking, reliable and punctual. Experience is not essential as training will be given. Location: Newcastle upon Tyne Job Title: Receptionist x 2 Employer: Vets4Pets Closing Date: 23/05/14 Salary: Competitive Basic job description: An exciting opportunity has arisen in our small animal practice based in Cramlington. Companion Care Vets Cramlington are currently looking for two part time Receptionists to join our team. The hours will be either 16 or 12 hours per week between the hours of 09:00am and 8:00pm and will include weekends on a rota basis. Person Requirements: Applicants must be client focused individuals who can demonstrate an aptitude for multi-tasking. The successful candidate will possess previous customer service experience, ideally in a veterinary environment, and will need to be confident and able to interact with our clients providing a consistently high level of service. This is a hands-on role in a small team so the ideal candidate(s) will need to be adaptable, flexible and willing to work
at all levels. Location: Cramlington Job Title: Sales Assistant Employer: BALTIC Centre for Contemporary Art Closing Date: 15/05/14 Salary: £6.80 per hour. Basic job description: Housed in a landmark industrial building on the south bank of the River Tyne in Gateshead, BALTIC is a major international centre for contemporary art. We are currently recruiting for Sales Assistants to provide a professional, consistent and outstanding level of customer service to the customers of BALTIC Shop, online shop and other retail activities. Hours will include weekends worked on a rota basis and will on occasion involve evening work. Person Requirements: The successful candidate will have previous comparable experience and excellent communication skills. A thorough understanding of frontline retail practice and the ability to work in a team are essential. Location: Newcastle upon Tyne Job Title: Newcastle Work Experience – Recruitment Resourcer Employer: Nigel Wright Closing Date: 19/05/14 Salary: £2,400 Bursary Basic job description: As we strengthen our position in existing markets and consider new opportunities, it is our people who will ultimately make a difference and therefore remain at the forefront of our plans to grow. This role will be providing support to our Recruitment Consultants in the form of company and candidate research, working on specific campaigns to identify appropriate candidates and carrying out head hunting tasks. This will be done using a variety of methods including social media and over the telephone. Person Requirements: To succeed in recruitment you must be determined, enthusiastic, driven and ambitious with excellent communication skills. You will be detail conscious and have strong interpersonal skills. Location: Newcastle upon Tyne
York Sports President Cass Brown has apologised after the official Sports Union posted a tweet calling Lancaster University students “retards”. The two universities took part in the fiftieth annual Roses Tournament, a Stan Calvert equivalent sports competition, last weekend with Lancaster winning the event. The tweet was a response to a court invasion by Lancaster supporters during the closing minutes of Saturday’s Netball 3rds game, which Lancaster won comfortably. The tweet, which has now been deleted, said: “Lancaster sup-
porters have flooded the court before the final whistle. They may have won but they clearly lack brain cells #retards #awkward #simplemaths”. The apology follows a complaint made by Thomas Ron, York University’s Disabled Students Officer, who described the “ableist” tweet as “inappropriate and rude”. Although it is currently unclear who posted the tweet, with all of the York Sport Committee having access to the account for the duration of the Roses Tournament, President Cass Brown has insisted that she will be investigating the matter in due course.
Students cause blazing mess Another fire has broken out at the University of Reading, after a pan was left on the hob in Kendrick Hall at 8:40pm on 2 May. The residents were allowed back into the accommodation several hours later, but the kitchen was severely damaged and a security guard had to be treated in hospital for smoke inhalation. The incident is the latest in a long line of fires at the university. Two further cooking mishaps caused fires during Fresher’s Week, one – caused by a student trying to microwave biscuits – occurred at Bulmershe Court Campus, which had been
closed down by the university but was used as temporary student accommodation until it was finally sold in December. On Christmas Eve another fire broke out on the site, the source of which remains unclear. Another blaze, at the Park Eat restaurant on the main campus in February, was caused by an electrical fault rather than students, but resulted in fire crews being called out once again. The university has repeatedly urged its students to be more careful when cooking. The University of Reading students were allowed back into the block by staff at around midnight.
UK retains against Europe The UK has fewer students dropping out of higher education than any other country in Europe, according to a study by the University of Southampton. Just 16 per cent of students at universities, colleges and technical training i nst itut i ons in the UK dropped out, compared to one in three students in Italy. Norway was not far behind the UK, however, with 17 per cent of students dropping out, and France having 19 per cent of its students saying “au revoir” to higher education. The study also showed that unlike most European
countries, where more men than women drop out, the UK has equal numbers of men and women quitting their studies. Dr. Sylke Schnepf, who conducted the study, challenges the idea that dropping out is always a bad decision, demonst rating that in many European countries dropouts are still more likely to get better jobs than those with no experience of higher education at all. The UK has fewer students dropping out of tertiary education than any other country in Europe. Many dropouts are also likely to return to education later in life.
Images: Nate, Andy Melton, Dave Herholz (Flickr)
Mark Sleightholm
The Courier
.9
Monday 12 May 2014
Comment thecourieronline.co.uk/comment
Comment Editors: Joe Wood and Lydia Carroll Deputy Comment Editor: Victoria Armstrong courier.comment@ncl.ac.uk | @Courier_Comment
Here’s to nothing, Mrs. Robinson
Hate long shifts in the library? Emily Keen argues that a series of broken toilets, WiFi wobbles and no available desk space have meant the Robinson isn’t quite the indispensable student resource it should be
Images: Emily Keen
Emily Keen Dear Mrs. Robinson, I’ve been at Newcastle University for three years now and I’ve done my fair share of library time. I’ve done the Robinson all-nighter, I know how the scanners work and I can even take out books. I’ve tried a coffee from each different machine and know that no matter which one you try, they’re all pretty shit. I’ve spent more money on printing credits than trebles (tragic I know) and I even have a favourite seat (and a favourite study room). I am, to all intents and purposes, a ‘Robinson veteran’. But I’m afraid an event last week was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’ve stood by you through the ups and downs, but this was beyond the pale. Whilst elbow deep in dissertation distress, an announcement crackled over the speakers informing the full-to-capacity library that the toilets were out of order. Not just one, nor just those on the third floor, but all of them. How is this possible? Is exam stress getting them down? Are they down in the Dissertation Dumps? Or perhaps the Toilets Union is tired of this shit, and gone on strike for a pay rise. Just what are hundreds of students, bladders bursting with sub standard caffeine, supposed to do? Wee in the suggestion box? Call me irrational, but I’m in my final year, very stressed, more or less unable to leave the library and now have nowhere to piss. It was pandemonium. I’m a history student. We don’t have expensive labs, nor do we have pricey University-subsidised field trips to measure dolphin snot in Bermuda. In fact we barely even have any bloody contact hours. But we do have our books. When the library is the leading resource – indeed, the only real resource – for the majority of humanities students, it’s so
important to ensure that facilities are consistently on top form. I was always told the library would be an oasis for people like me. A veritable refuge for the unfashionable and socially awkward – a Utopia for those that emerge with skin like Tip-Ex at the end of their three-year degree. A place of contemplative learning; filled with scholars too concerned with academia to realise they have upper lip insulation that urgently needs addressing and eyebrows that badly need some tweezer attention. A place, in other words, where you can let your inner geek roam free. I have been deceived. Much of the behaviour displayed by many library attendees is appalling. The library website describes the ‘Robbo’ as “a really exciting part of uni life”, and one of the places “to be” on campus. I may enjoy my seat on level three with its delightful view across Windsor Terrace but I’d hardly describe it as ‘happening’. Yet this doesn’t seem to be the case for everyone, many of whom seem to think the library is the best place to socialise, loudly.
You have to get to the library before the sun rises to beat the beachtowel-wielding second year twats The Robinson Library is a hostile lion’s den of perfect hair and edgy hipsters. Level four seems to have been replaced with an Urban Outfitters store. And despite the café stocked full of sweet treats and sugar hits, the average girl looks like she’s forgotten what food is. Am I going to have to start dieting to come to the library? I barely have the impetus or time to brush my hair anymore.
With finals looming, the library has once again been inundated by overactive first years getting in a twist about essays and exams which don’t actually count. For many, attending the library seems more a rite of passage than an actual attempt to get some work done. Hanging around the foyer, filling up the café tables, tweeting and snap-chatting furiously, letting the world know that they’re ‘#InTheLibes’. Of course, posers and revellers are annoying, and symptomatic of a possible lack of proper library discipline, but they’re nowhere near as infuriating as Desk-Hoggers. This influx of population has made the possibility of finding a desk about as likely as getting a Blueline taxi to actually turn up on a Friday night. But the cannier second years have cottoned on, and are leaving files and coats on desks like German tourists with beach towels on sunloungers. You have to get to the library before the sun rises to beat the beach-towel-wielding second year twats and their deplorable tactics. I realise that the real villain here is the chronic lack of workspace in the library, but sometimes I really would like to ram my smartcard in the face of the Leazes bimbo that’s been trawling through BuzzFeed for the last hour. Finding out how to take the perfect selfie with Kim Kardashian and filling out the ‘what kind of French fry are you?’ survey is definitely a better use of time than my dissertation. You know who you are. With so many students online, the WiFi connection been more temperamental than my menopausal mother. Seven times the Internet’s completely packed up this year. Seven! It doesn’t work if you’re too close to the windows on level four, round the corner on three, or even if you just have too many tabs open. Come too early and its sluggish as hell, stay too late and some dodgy download from a delirious student in the depths of ‘MySpace’ has locked down the whole system. And if it’s raining or windy you might as well not even bother. How ever will the first years get on Facebook? The university has recently taken on a library-
based initiative to help ‘Stressed Out Students’ deal with ‘exam tension’. Apparently this week they’re bringing puppies in. Great. I’m really looking forward to dodging rabies and sidestepping dog shit as I try and finish off my dissertation. And this is to be followed by massages in reception. Perfect. Ten minutes of vigorous rubbing past the turnstiles, fol-
I’m really looking forward to dodging rabies and sidestepping dog shit as I finish off my disso lowed by a day in the library covered in a light layer of lube. So we can’t go for a wee, or have a desk, but we can get a massage? It seems these frivolities only serve to distract us from the other, much more annoying, ways that the library often falls short. Call me old fashioned but I’d rather a proper cup of tea and perhaps more than one choice of the Robbo’s famous ‘Slices’. Oh Mrs Robinson, I’ve stomached your expensive printing and soulless coffee. I’ve almost begun to enjoy the small thrill of finding a desk with a power socket that works. I’ve stood by you over the last three years but recently these rose-tinted glasses have been lifted. As I sit here and write this (albeit in my favourite seat) I feel not a pang of remorse nor regret for compiling such a shameless litany of disparagment. And you know what? The sodding Wi-Fi’s packed up again. Yours forever, Bitter, disillusioned and desperate for a pee.
10.comment
SOAP BOX
Monday 12 May 2014
The Courier
Tuition fee failure: Surprise?
As the new generation of £9,000 fee paying students prepare for their exams, questions arise over whether the hike in tuition fees has or will have any benefit on the British taxpaying public
FEMAIL SIDEBAR Congratulations Daily Mail, your femail sidebar of shame just keeps on giving. I’m not sure how they do it, they must be able to smell potential blunders, but somehow the paparazzi always manage to capture the most mundane moments. You know, those accidents that female celebrities would rather not have papped and broadcast but those that fill the Daily Mail online site. Prepare yourself for the scandal of the year: Lily Allen bought a pizza, ate it, and accidentally spilt a bit on her top. I hear you gasp, I feel your horror at the very idea of an accident that quite frankly just renders Lily Allen human. In other ground breaking news, Lena Dunham was photographed standing bare foot on the pavement after the Met Gala and at the same event: “Zoë Kravitz flashes her pink knickers”. Daily Mail, your mocking merely proves their humanity; a humanity you it seems would prefer was never allowed to exist. Lily just wanted to eat pizza, Lena’s feet hurt from her heels and Zoë, well, that was just unfortunate (we’ve all been there). Give it a rest. Kate Dewey
SOCIAL MEDIA Do you know that new viral video? The one shunning social media in the most syrupy, Seussian rhymes imaginable, Look Up. It has been all over my Facebook wall recently, accompanied by ‘heartfelt’ comments about how it’s so “eye-opening” and “painfully real” and, apparently, it touches some in places they “haven’t been touched before” (actual quote). I see this and I want to scream. Like everything that has been made to appease the general consuming public, the video aims to touch the inner altruist in all of us. “So inspiring! #reallife” people post on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, and Youtube. Why are we constantly swamped with content, which only aims to make us see the Internet as the ultimate evil? Dear YouTuber (the simple fact that I’m referring to you as this makes your video ironic already), are you actually trying to convince me that as a child all you did was climb trees and run across fields? Are you telling me that TV didn’t exist when you were young? Stop trying to blame technology for the world’s evils and grasp the concept of the evolution of human communication instead. Antonia Velikova
BORED NEWS News channels can be truly wonderful. Need to know the latest football score? Sky Sports News is your friend. What’s the latest big story? Turn on BBC News. However, in recent years, it has shifted from focussing on the current breaking news story to fast, meaningless analysis. Many reporters working at news channels seem constantly either bored or simply disinterested. And this can be exemplified as recently as last month, with CNN howling out theories such as black holes for being the cause of the disappearance of Malaysia Airlines flight MH370. Remember John Terry having the England captaincy taken away from him? How about Ryan Giggs being named as the friendly buyer of a simple super-injunction? And why do you think UKIP have risen so much in the polls? It seems as if news channels will do anything to stay as irrelevant as possible and avoid covering real news. Victoria Armstrong
Image: Lendingmemo.
Antonia Velikova
W
hat did you say there, government? The tuition fee scheme is crumbling into dust? Well colour all the students surprised. The downfall of the fee system has been coming ever since the £9,000 cap was introduced and the fact that you did not see it coming is your fault alone. Because nowadays, if you’re in the big, far-reaching business of Higher Education, you feel more or less like a customer, who is being marketed another commodity, and who will end up paying for it for the rest of their life, not knowing if the investment was actually worth it. It is entirely possible that this sounds too harsh. University and Higher Education offer students the opportunity to engage in activities they would hardly find time for later on. But does that justify the £27,000 debt (at the least) that university leaves us with? The fall of the tuition fee scheme was cautiously predicted years ago. Supposedly, no one expected it to fall so quickly, yet it did, crumbling under its
own weight. By hiking fees up, statistics suggest, the government will actually lose more money than it would have saved, had it kept the old cap. It’s a very vicious whirlwind that graduates are often trapped in. Very few manage to find jobs straight out of university, even fewer happen to
“Students are at a loss, universities are at a loss and the government is definitely at a loss” find a position that pays a salary marginally close to the threshold that is required for the loan to be repaid. Essentially, the gist of it is that hardly any students end up paying their student loans back. That much was expected ever since student loans were introduced back in 2009, there was, and there still isn’t, no reliable way to trace whether installments would ever start coming in.
SPICY HOT NEWS SPICY HOT NEWS Berlusconi cooking up a storm in sixth form café
Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi sentenced himself to community service in a sixth form cafeteria this week following his 2013 conviction for tax fraud. Stationed primarily behind the scenes, stirring a vat of gravy in the kitchen and checking the fruit for signs of wildlife, the ex-PM nonetheless frequently manages to find his way to the serving counter to interact with the female students. Stripped of his usual pick-up lines and reduced to the unappetising likes of “if you don’t eat your peas you’re not getting any custard.” It seems Silvio’s plans to use his position to begin recruiting young female up-and-comers for his campaign team seem to have been dashed like so many unwanted potato smilies.
Sterling and Clarkson set-up racism victim support group
Disgraced L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling and embattled Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson have pooled their considerable resources to form a support group for victims of their own racism. “It seems unfortunate that otherwise upstanding citizens like Donald Sterling should be discriminated against simply for being born racist,” said Donald Sterling. “Our meetings will therefore be focussed on helping members practise their racism as discreetly as possible to avoid such prejudices.” Activities will include committing to memory the various ‘safe’ versions of ‘Eenie Meenie Minie Moe’ that the rest of us have been using for decades, and when it is and isn’t appropriate to use racial slurs to try and sleep with women (i.e. it is definitely not appropriate when those women are black women). Images: tompagenet, gmb, Harry Potts.
Even in these circumstances, it can hardly be said that graduates are having a great time out of it. The black cloud of debt will be hanging over their heads for the better part of their lives. In that case: students are at a loss, universities are at a loss, and the government is definitely at a loss. This begs the question: who, in fact, is the winner of this profit-induced fiasco? The answer to this question remains ominous and at times of inflation this doesn’t pose anything good for the country’s economic future. Increasing the tuition fees did hardly any good, mostly resulting in the cutting of “unprofitable” courses and the resources for these. Who is to decide how “profitable” a degree is? What I personally find bothersome in this entire situation is how universities are treated as large franchises – often at the expense of the local communities, too. We spend three-to-five years in the constantly turning money-making machine of uni, and we get out of there with a loan, some of us with two or three of them. And a mortgage. And taxes, on top of that. Charming. Time to keep a stiff upper lip and boldly go where no adult has gone before! (Not with a £27,000+ debt, anyway.)
SIDEBAR OF SHAME Curvaceous! Eric Pickles pours his curves into blue two piece with plunging tie to greet the paps Not afraid to use his curves to succeed Sex sells! Ben Shepherd comes under fire for flashing pert side-neck in bid to boost flagging ‘Good Morning Britain’ ratings No fourth baby yet! Pregnancy rumours quashed as Ed Balls caught guzzling pint of bitter with pals “I needs me pints” claims MP. How long until it’s too late? Sam Summers & Lydia Carroll
The Courier
comment.11
Monday 12 May 2014
The
Which world leader are you?
Voice of
Reason
Do you flex like Vlad, glisten like Dave or boss it like Merkel? We’re here to help you Start
I do love a sit down
Are you a couch potato?
Viva la Revolución?
I like to move it
Any naughty dark secrets?
You know it!
Jose Mujica
Yep, you’re the former revolutionary who spent 2 years imprisoned down a well with only frogs as company. Now your Uruguay’s President! Whether it’s weed or samesex marriage, you’re as libertarian as they come and a true believer in old socialism.
Nothing to see here... No way dude!
You what?
Sometimes...
Shhh, don’t tell!
My own voice is enough for me
François Hollande You’ve had your fair share of fun times it must be said. You understand the true meaning of les joie de vivre and there’s a definitely a few ladies who can vouch for this. Although, how much fun you’re having now is another question.
I’m good, but not that good
Are you a bit of a sex icon?
Smokin’ hot
Liberté, égalite, fraternité? Oui! Oui! Oui!
Jacob Zumba
Twenty kids and counting and more scandals than a 1970s BBC presenter, it might be said you’re down in the deep end. But keep smiling and don’t mention Shaik or Mugabe and you might just get through it. Who cares about being liked anyway?
Not at all
Do you wear the trousers?
I’m not an animal!
I wear pants?
Vladimir Putin Barack Obama You’re a real mans man. You show your swagger off and make sure we see it. But you’re not gay... You flex your pecks for all those KGB boys to see... definitely not gay... you won’t take nonsense from no one when you’re riding topless on your horse... hmmm.
You’re the cool dude who can’t get anything wrong. It doesn’t matter if you’ve had a few drone strikes in the Yemen or you’ve given JSOC full reign to tear up the Middle East, you’re just so fly you’re the President of the United States of Keeping it Real.
Hell yeah!
David Cameron Now some might call you a bit of a wet flannel. But you don’t think so. You’re just the in between. You’re the butter to the roll before the main course, the leftover cherry on a bakewell, and that suits you fine.
Do you consider yourself a living god?
Kim Jong-un
Some might call you chubby, or crazy, or say you have a mole-rat hair cut. Those people don’t last long. You knock ‘em out with your awesome power which is supremely awesome. So awesome.
Angela Merkel
You’re a single minded kind of dame and you don’t take s**t from anyone. The rest of Europe, or even the world, is flabby and unfocused. You have the determined vigour of a Russian tank rampaging around Ukraine and the political sharpness of a hawk. Joe Wood
Image: Agencia Brasil, BBC Radio4, Jean-Marc Ayrault, Eric Miller, Marcello Casal, Petersnoopy, Kremlin.ru
Higher education trivialisation A dissection of the pervading narrative in higher education - a right or a private good? Meanwhile, workers in education have faced real term cuts to their wages over the last five years. Many postgraduates are forced to undertake casualised teaching and admin work as part of their degree. igher education is being privaThe structure of our university now retised, while each year, we accumu- flects that of a private corporation more than it relate thousands of pounds in debt sembles an inclusive and democratic institution. for the right to an education. The changThe antidote to this is that students and workes that produce privatisation are incremen- ers should campaign for free educatal and appear disparate, but they are hap- tion. Free, meaning: without management, pripening. The principle by which the coali- vate partnerships, tuition fees or debt. tion government rules – of cutting state Free education means well paid staff funding and handing over control to pri- and grants for all students. It is democravate business – applies as much to higher ed- cy within the classroom and throughout instituucation as it does to their privatisation pro- tions, not just on the highest committees of manjects in local services, the NHS and Royal Mail. agers. £9,000 tuition fees were just the beThere is money in society to fund free educaginning. In 2010, the govern- tion, but it is currently controlled by an élite few. ment also made large scale cuts to the public We hear a lot about how strikes negafunding of universities and colleges. To- tively affect students through cancelled lecgether, these changes effectively created a tures and delayed feedback. At a levcompetitive market for undergraduate provi- el this is true. Yet we need to also consion. On top of this, the coalition have been us- sider what is at stake: the issue isn’t just ing this new market to incentivise private provid- pay, though that is a huge issue, and for no one more ers to enter the sector. so than postgraduate students and the hun-
Luke Neal
H
No. 18: A fond farewell
They tell me things...
I am the supreme leader!
I’m beautiful inside
Shirt off ? Sun’s out, guns out
Are there voices in your head?
Respect my authoritah!
Do you put voices in other people’s heads?
No way, Jose
Si! Si! Si!
Let’s smoke that s**t?
Libertarian or Authoritarian?
Liberty!
dreds of nonacademic staff on less than the Living Wage at the University. Of course it is hard not to think of education in terms of ‘value for money’ when we are accumulating tens of thousands of pounds in debt to be here. The problem is that that’s how the government and university management want us to think. It plays on our insecurities and makes us vulnerable. Treating education as a commodity and a private good divides us from the community of workers who make our education possible every day. The lecturers’ union, UCU, recently voted to accept a slightly increased offer on their pay. They were able to win this in part because students stood with them and supported their campaign. In every future strike we need to support education workers, just as we will need their support when there are inevitably further cuts, higher fees, and even fewer wellpaid jobs. Students and workers need grassroots initiatives to transform education from the privatised, debtridden course it is set on – to one where education is free.
D
ear God! My ever submissive audience of work loving plebeian sundries, this year has come to a close. I shall retire for the summer with the hope of rejuvenating myself after a whole annum of providing you hopeless idolaters with a splash of intellectual vigour. I plan to go to China with Timmons, although I have been warned there is a somewhat alternative attitude towards dogs. I assume we are worshiped in the way those silly Egyptians worshiped those wretched felines. I’m sure for many of you this has been a year of incomparable transformation after devouring my hugely enlightening and numerous hunks of knowledge. For others, whose neurological capabilities mean you can’t quite catch the bone, I’m sure you were still left in mighty awe at my eloquence. Unlike the fickle lip service paid to me by that raunchy pooch - whose time I paid for quite happily in the doghouse they refer to as Amsterdam - I’ve given you bowl upon bowl of thought provoking nibbles to chew on. No leftovers or doggy bags for you dear followers, no, you’ve received a banquet of insights from the great Pugs to fill your famished cerebral bellies. Of course, food can become quite the contentious issue. Now, as is evident in the approach I take towards all the flavours of life, my discerning nature prohibits me from eating the common indulgences the rest of you must endure. Although, when I heard that microwave goods had been improved with the addition of horse the Francophile in me could not quite resist having a dog slobber over one of Timmon’s Findus delights. Yet, everyone seemed to be barking some incredible Springer-Dore codswallop when they tried this fine meat. And now they’re growling at a pizza for the way its elements were prepared. I’ll tell ye dear onlookers, there’s far more worrying issues in the world than deciding which brutal way your livestock ends its days. It’s not like it has ever been much of a party in the slaughterhouses to begin with. You must think of the meat you eat in the same way as I view Timmons. Yes he will die long before my own life ends. But I’ll treat him with the same decent respect as I treat all creatures created by God for me. I ensure Timmons is played with, given his exercise, and I show him the affection he needs. If we are to eat this delectable meat, indeed I assuredly will, then lets care more about how it spends its life. That’s the issue. Of course, in these troubling times it seems it is only the intelligence of a canine that can navigate away from the detestable ignorance of the age. And that is why I have come from the nether of my spectacular mansion to speak to you wonderful plebs. Oh yes you are the peasantry and whatnot but I admire you for your bizarre courage to attempt to achieve. My word don’t let the pathetic tributaries the bourgeois media, which attempts to appear like the common mass, make you think the non-issues are the things that effect your lives when there are much greater forces at work. We pedigrees have a natural gut instinct and, beyond the desire to eat all the chowder you can, we try our best not to eat that shit. Of course, it’s tempting with all its pungent smells but I find the fresher air of intelligence a dash more Pugsian. So when I’m off on my summer tour I hope you remember this young plebs and use your heads. Yours, Pugs Overheard by Joe Wood Illustration by Flora Anderson
Pugs has got a new iPad, and he’s been dictating tweets to his manservant Timmons. Follow him on Twitter at @LaVoiceofReason
12.lifestyle
Monday 12 May 2014
The Courier
Lifestyle Editors: Evie O’Sullivan, Elizabeth Archer, Hazel Parnell and Katie Smith
The five people you meet at unay
The Northerner Being a Northerner myself I can assure you that this ‘un is best out t’whole lot. Northerners know how to drink, and by drink, I mean drink you under the table. Stick with Northerners, because they will show you how to have a good time and you’re bound to pick up some interesting lingo along the way. They are an extremely friendly bunch, which can sometimes make them come across as a bit too keen, but don’t worry – they are all-round good eggs.
The Rah They went to private school (or at least wish they did), and guess where it got them? The same place as you and me honey. Don’t talk to them about budgeting – they just won’t get it. Living out of the bank of mum and dad means that they can afford what they want, when they want. If you’ve done something, they’ve done it better - and trust me, you are going to hear about it! Saying that, you will probs fall asleep at the sound of their utterly ridiculous accent.
The Transformer This is your first year virgin who by third year, has slept with the whole of their course twice over. Before uni they never ventured further than their local shop, so stepping out into the big-wide-student-world was a bit of a shock to the system. They jump into uni life head first, only to discover their inner love for hardcore partying. In first year, you couldn’t drag them out of the house, but by third year, you can’t keep them in. For them third year is the time for catch-up, which means doing everything that the majority of us have already been doing for the past two years with a few bumps along the way.
The Promo Wanker Everybody knows one (or two... or three) – yeah, they’re not exactly hard to come by. ‘Say my name on the door and I can get you G-List, free entry, free vodka...’, blah, blah, blah. On Freshers’ Week, this sounds like the best thing since sliced bread, but then it soon becomes the bane of uni life. It’s impossible to avoid them - dodging them is like dodging bullets. And what’s worse? They can still get to you even when you’re in the safety of your own home via every social networking site going. Be sure to think before clicking accept on faceyb.
The Wasteman This is the person who never seems to actually be in uni. They are top procrastinators and share an incredible ability to waste time doing absolutely nothing. Deadline? What deadline? They would much rather occupy their time watching the entirety of Netflix than doing anything related to university. Assignments are normally started and maybe finished (depending what’s on TV) the night before, and handed in casually a minute before the deadline ends. They are extremely sociable people and become extremely useful around exam time, when you want to feel good about the lack of work you’ve done. Jade Holroyd
Are you checking me out?
T
his is not the line to use if you are attempting to find yourself a date – particularly in the Robbo. The reason? This kind of cheesy only works in films and even then, it’s a little hit and miss. So you’re interested in the quiet charmer with the Macbook sat on the third floor, surrounded by engineering books. He/she sits there from 6-9.30 each evening and from the faint hum you hear coming from their headphones, also listens to the same playlist. You, my friend, are becoming stalker-esque and its got to stop. If you want to date this potentially eligible honey you’re going to have to go about it in a very particular way. The bonus: you’ve already got the low down on the when, where and whats. It is now just a question of how.
Where
- Third floor you said? Well, there’s no point in sitting on the first floor then, is there? You need to be sitting in the opportune place so that your eyes meet once or twice across the room. Get yourself in the zone. - You may well have noticed what books they have on their desk- all from a similar shelf mark? Casually take yourself over to said shelf-mark when they venture over themselves. Don’t just stand there though, be at one with the books and show interest in them, with the occasional glance at your target. - Recreate a 10 Things I Hate About You moment: go on the opposite side of the shelf and move towards the same end as your ‘interest’. You can then bump into each other. Nothing like a lil’ bump and grind in the stacks, eh? - Don’t make a move in student texts. If you go in all guns blazing at someone who is clearly in a desperate state, they aren’t going to be impressed. Do you really want to be trying to get a date in the short-term loans section? Sounds like a recipe for disaster.
When
- I’d like to think you’d attempt this when your interest is actually in the library, otherwise there is
no hope for you, my friend. - If you’re aware of how long they tend to spend in Robbo (stalker!), make your move between the middle and back end of their visit, they’ll be looking for some way to procrastinate and you’ll be the perfect distraction.
What
- Don’t use a cheesy library based line, it’s only going to be overheard (and tweeted to death, depending on which budding gossip columnist hears you). - Don’t approach them when they are with their pals, wait for them to separate from the herd and pounce. Look for the neutral face as your signal, unless they suffer from resting bitch face syndrome, in which case you may need a new plan.
“Don’t use cheesy library based lines, it’s only going to be overheard and tweeted to death”
- Got your eye on that cutie who works at the library? Ladies, you all know who I mean. The best way to get his attention: try and exit student texts with a book you haven’t checked out. Beep beep beep, he’ll know you’re a naughty lil thing, - No fancy lines, just starting up a conversation will do, be as witty as you deem fit. - Do not make references to any unattractive behaviour that you may carry out in the library. People abide by a certain library etiquette so don’t be wondering around without any shoes on or chomping on your carrot sticks in the silent section. This should keep you ticking over till exams, and may provide a well-earned revision break. Charlotte Maxwell
Illustrations by Daisy Billowes
Good-bye my lover, good-bye my friend If you’re in third year, you’ll soon be facing the end of your uni careers and the best days of your life. Is it the time to say the things that have previously been left unsaid? Before everyone goes their separate ways do you come clean to the friend you have loved from afar? Adithya Sharanya and Katie Smith argue out the finer points
Yes
1) No one actually likes a tragedy Shakespeare fans will argue till their faces turn blue on this one. Yeah I get it, there’s something artistically appealing about the person you love walking away with a jerk, blissfully unaware of your existence. But that is only acceptable in fiction. In real life it will cause you nothing but frustration and make you question yourself about what could have happened, what could have been, if you had just had the courage to make a move. It’s 2014, time is money, do everyone a favour and tell them rather than spending the next few years being tragic and regretful. No one actually enjoys a tragic ending. Like they say in Bollywood, “If it’s not happy, it isn’t the ending”
“Like they say in Bollywood, ‘If it’s not happy, it isn’t the ending’” 2) You never know till you ask So two painfully shy people actually like each other, so you guys are actually perfect for each other, but you won’t even know unless one of you (pretty please) tells the other? Come on, what if they liked you from afar all this while too? And what have you got to lose, its the end of the year, there’s massive summer looming ahead in which you can (worst case scenario) heal your broken heart or (best case) spend together. Don’t let your Mr/Miss Right walk away. 3) Why not? There really is no rational argument as to why you shouldn’t, to preserve “the sweetness of a love that never was”? Shut up already, stop making excuses and just tell them. Just wait for them to be alone (no, this doesn’t mean stalk them to their bedroom) and go up and say it. Trust me you’ll feel freer after it, even if it’s a negative outcome. It’ll be a weight of your shoulders. Its spring(ish), the season of love. Time to muster up the nerve and let the cheese flow.
No
1) If it hasn’t already happened, it’s not going to If you are such close pals then chances are you’ve been through a lot together, experienced a variety of situations and you’ve actually had plenty of opportunities to move yourself out of the friend zone. But, you haven’t. You’ve been steaming drunk lying in bed together. And nothing happened. You’ve had regular heart to hearts and D&Ms, but you’ve never said anything. You’ve watched over them (in a non-creepy way, or maybe a creepy way) and been their shoulder to cry on but you’ve never lent in. Because, a) you don’t actually want to. You know it’s a fantasy and you prefer it that way, b) you know its just a bad idea and c) what is meant to be will be and its not BEING – its been three years of constant contact and its not happened, take the hint.
“Use your last days of freedom to pull everyone you’ve ever thought of pulling” 2) No one likes change Why oh why would you initiate a relationship five minutes before your whole life changes? Post-uni life is getting real and you’re going to have a lot going on, don’t add a long-distance relationship to your plate. Likewise, just because you love spending time with this person it doesn’t mean that it won’t be strange to transition out of the friend zone. Once you’ve told them, you can’t untell them and you don’t know how its going to effect the relationship you have. You need to consider the notion that you might not like said person as much when they stop being your buddy and start being your ball and chain. 3) Better yet... University is all about life experience and you should be spending your last days living life to the fullest. Forget that one person and get on all the rest of them. Use your last days of freedom to pull every person you have ever entertained the thought of pulling, no matter how fleeting that thought was. Have some fun.
Culture The Courier
.13
Monday 12 May 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/culture
Culture Editor: Sam Summers Sections: Lifestyle, Fashion, Beauty, Arts, Music, Film, TV and Science courier.culture@ncl.ac.uk | @CourierOnline
Blind date Katie Smith, 2nd Year History and Spanish meets
Chris on Katie
Chris Thompson, 3rd Year Chemical Engineering
Where? Pizza Express, Jam Jar, WHQ, Basement, Jesmond Dene (exhibitionists) Who paid? Both- we did rounds but he paid for dinner What did you drink? Smashed the white wine
What were you first impressions of her in three words? You’re actually quite fit but you look about 12.
Katie on Chris
Would you introduce her to the fam? Yeeeeeeah. Biggest turn on? Decent fun bags and good banter.
Describe your first impression of him in three words: Beard, southern and laid-back And he walks really weirdly.
Biggest turn off ? Dribbled on the table a bit when she was talking, some of it made it on to my arm. No harm done.
How was the experience of going on a blind date? Were you nervous? Yeah I was nervous but it turned out alright. The restaurant we planned to go to was closed so it turned into a pretty spontaneous night.
What’s your usual type? Did she fit the bill? Not actually entirely sure what my normal type is, but she was well travelled and had a weird but cool accent and I love a good accent. So yeah she fitted the bill.
What is your usual type, and does he fit it? My usual type... probably tall and dark. He was cute so yeah I guess he fit it, not too convinced about the beard though. Or his weird walk.
“She dribbled on the table a bit when she was talking”
“There may have been some cheeky moments in the night”
Did you talk about exes? Nahhhhhhhhhh.
Were there any awkward moments? Ummm, yeah. I took him out with me for my housemate’s birthday, and the girls were all being mental, he must have thought we were all insane. There were quite a lot of funny things that happened... like we went to Jesmond Dene to see the waterfall at 2am. Probably not the smartest places to go with a stranger in the middle of the night but thankfully he didn’t kill me.
Any awkward moments? Not overly, pretty steady flowing conversation and banter, although ended up going out with her and her house mates to WHQ. One of her bezzas got her bon-bons out within 30 seconds of meeting and kept asking me if I was going to bang... I was a little out of my depth at this point.
What did you talk about? A lot about travelling, we both have big trips planned for the summer and a lot of places we want to visit.
Weird convo topics? It didn’t get too weird and I was a bit merry so can’t actually remember fully what we spoke about.
Why is he single, do you think? He’s had surgery on his knee recently which I think put him out of action for a while. What were his best and worst features? Best: He drank white wine faster than me, which never happens. Worst: He drank white wine faster than me, I felt a bit put out.
Why do you think she is single? I found out she’s lived in about every country in the world at one time or another, maybe if she stayed in the same place for more than a few months at a time she’d be off the market.
Would you introduce him to your mum? Yes, my family would love him. He would get on really well with my Dad and brother I reckon.
How did the date end? Ended up in her bed (oh yeeeah), but no funny business. We just fell asleep.
Shag, marry or ‘see ya bye’? Um um um... shag?
Would you see her again? Absolutely.
Would you see him again? Yeah we had a really good time.
Snog / Shag / See ya later? Had a well good snog.
Cute, sexy or hot? Cute or hot.
Rate yo’ date: 84%.Good banter, pretty fit, sound mates, but negative marks for dribbling.
Funny, sweet or smart? Funny. How did you finish the date? Anything cheeky? We just hugged goodbye but there may have been some cheeky moments in the night.
Unlucky in love? The Courier is here to help Send your details to: c2.lifestyle@ncl.ac.uk
Rate yo’ date: 8
14.lifestyle
Monday 12 May 2014
The Courier
Lifestyle Editors: Evie O’Sullivan, Elizabeth Archer, Hazel Parnell and Katie Smith
For fine dining choose... Jesmond Dene House Price range: £60 per head Cuisine: ‘Light, fresh, locally sourced modern British’ Vibe: Country manor garlic and potato soup with gnocchi and a goat’s cheese crowdie to start, which they poured for her at the table. Once we had ordered dessert, we were surprised with a palette cleanser of white chocolate panna cotta and a lemon mousse. Dessert matched up to the high standard of the rest of the meal, and as our plates were cleared we were pleased that we didn’t feel over full.
Tom Tibble
Pet hate #3: Computers
T
he innovations of engineering have allowed the human race to send a rocket over 235,000 miles to land us on the moon, construct us a 31-mile-long 250-foot-deep tunnel connecting England and France, build us uselessly overly powerful nuclear weapons and even managed to make us trainers with jazzy flashing lights - and yet everyday some poor soul out there is sat suffering in front of a computer monitor that is taking as much as five minutes to open an Internet link. What the hell? Of course, this damning ‘first world problem’ moan is overly harsh to computers. They generally run pretty efficiently and we never give them the credit they deserve. You don’t pat your laptop’s back and pour it a glass of champagne after another successful opening of Microsoft Word, or break into song for your charger after another perfectly executed power-up. But the standard that computers have set themselves these days means that when they function as they are supposed to, we aren’t impressed, it’s just expected - and why wouldn’t it be? When PC World sells us a laptop we expect a laptop, not a sand-timer infinitely fuelled with sand.
“Everyday some poor soul out there is sat suffering in front of a computer monitor that is taking as much as 5 minutes to open an Internet link” Of course again, there is nothing really that bad about having to wait for that circular icon in the top left of your chosen Internet browser to take a few slow laps of its cycle, but when your so used to Usain Bolt it becomes painful watching Usain Halt as your blank not-loading-browser link appears to have wandered off into nothingness. And what is possibly worse than slow computing and slow Internet is the fact that they heighten the guilt of procrastination. You find yourself using your trusty and otherwise loyal laptop to crack out another essay (or whatever academic purpose it is that people that aren’t doing essay based subjects need a computer for) and you think, ‘I’ve written down 100 smashing words here, time for a quick break.’ But no, your quick break suddenly becomes rather long as you sit like a lemon waiting for your browser to kindly load your page meaning that not
“You don’t pat your laptop’s back and pour it a glass of champagne after another successful opening of Microsoft Word” only are you wasting time, but its bloody boring too, so it doesn’t even serve well for procrastination purposes. This might be acceptable if the computer was using its higher voice to be like, ‘hey friend, we’re not going anywhere fast here, you may as well get back to work.’ But no, computers don’t have that bias, because sometimes the frustration of slow computing strikes - even when you find yourself in that rare window of academic focus - as the computer may still take 3 days to open a file on Library Search. But for all the pedantic ranting, we do have to give it to computers, for as exasperating as they can be, a computer is a bit handier than having to hand write essays. So yay for that.
W
hether it’s to celebrate a well-deserved first, or the fact that you actually managed to get a degree by working ‘hard’ but playing harder, restaurants will be getting booked up fast, so it’s time to make that reservation for your graduation meal. A friend and I were lucky enough to get the chance to eat at Jesmond Dene House, and I have to say, it was one of the most delicious meals I have ever had. It was a divine three course meal complemented with three interim courses, each one a taste sensation that left our jaws fused to the table. We were welcomed into the cosy bar where all of our drinking needs were taken care of. As we sipped on a G&T and a Pimm’s, we were provided with complementary nibbles while we perused the menu. Everything sounded incredibly tempting - it was a difficult decision but I’m sure nothing on the menu would disappoint.
W
e’ll have a look at what is probably the most obvious choice. Situated on the top floor of a contemporary art museum, overlooking the quayside – it’s not cheap. But as the trajectory of the nippy elevator ride needed to get there suggests, Six restaurant is an upmarket place, ideal for special occasions and a place that other restaurants of its kind will struggle to compete with. A natural advantage of Six is its elevated setting. One swift six floor elevator journey and you arrive in an open, airy yet intimate space
“All in all, the food was stunning and the drinks menu was comprehensively stocked too”
Walking into the restaurant, the lighting and atmosphere created a real sense of occasion, the only small downfall being that some of the décor was a touch corporate. We were sat on a table in the main restaurant, and looking around we noticed that there was not one badly positioned table tucked away in a poky corner. Upon sitting down, the dining extravaganza commenced. We could choose from a selection of warm bread rolls and butters – salted, unsalted and seaweed - and soon after came the first amuse bouche of goat’s curd wrapped in pickled carrot with a homemade beetroot ketchup. It was a glorious mouthful, and a style of fine-dining food that I’ve never had before. Our starters and main followed, and believe it or not, each bite was more mouth-watering than the last. My friend had a wild
“It was a divine three course meal; each one a taste sensation” Overall, the experience was top class, Jesmond Dene House is the perfect place to go if you are looking for a fine dining experience. Away from the hubbub of the city centre, this is the perfect place for a serene, sophisticated evening of celebration. The extra courses and the seamless skills of the staff ensured that this was a luxurious dining experience I would heartily recommend for your graduation meal. Suzie Bliss
Quest for the
Graduation What to do when
where the tables stand littered with candles and tiny artificial potted plants, creating a welcoming environment. Married to the enthusiastic and friendly service, this creates an easy-going yet sophisticated atmosphere, pleasantly devoid of any pretentious pomp. The elevator capsule conveniently splits the room up into two rooms, one is a cosy space with leather sofas overlooking the river Tyne as a kind of glass window encapsulated terrace and the other larger room is the canvas for the restaurant service. The restaurant itself is sandwiched by two glass walls of window parallel to the river Tyne allowing for a truly unique vantage point that, up in the heights of the darkening night sky, feels pretty cool to be in. The food was fantastic. I’d recommend eve-
rything we had. The starters we chose, a twice baked coquetdale cheese soufflé with waldorf salad and the other, lemon thyme poached salmon on a bed of new potato salad with horseradish crème fraîche – were both brilliant. As an avid lamb-loving kinda guy I was ecstatic to see a lamb dish on the menu – Ingram Valley lamb rump with crushed heritage potatoes, peas, button mushrooms and marjoram hollandaise – which was amongst the best lamb dishes I’ve ever had. My food critic-incrime’s main dish, an 8oz char-grilled rib eye steak served with confit plum tomato, watercress and hand cut chips was also scrumptious. Though comfortably full, deserts followed; a delightful dark chocolate fondant and pistachio ice cream, with kirsch soaked cherries and the other, an inventive and delicious beetroot parfait with beetroot and chocolate cake, served with raspberries and yoghurt granite. All in all, the food was stunning and the drinks menu was comprehensively stocked too - anywhere that serves Erdinger knows a beer or two. Six is perhaps not the type of place students typically frequent – it doesn’t serve the kind of food you eat to survive, its serves the kind of food you eat to live. But it would be a fantastic choice to celebrate your graduation. Tom Tibble
Price range: £50 per head Cuisine: ‘British modern locallysourced’ Vibe: modern and atmospheric
For amazing views choose... Six at The Baltic
The Courier
lifestyle.15
Monday 12 May 2014
For delicious Indian cuisine choose... Sachins
And a few for the LOL
Price range: £30 per head Cuisine: ‘The finest punjabi’ with some of your old favourites Vibe: cosy and relaxed
@happsters If you need a pick-meup after a long day of being cooped up in the Robbo, then this is the perfect place to start. With lots of inspiring quotes and cutesie pictures, there’s sure to be something to put a smile on your face. Even if you feel like revision has sucked out some of your soul out and spat it on the floor.
O
kay, so graduation is looming and, as per usual, you have buried your organisational head in the sand (you’re totally forgiven, revision is priority) so were here to help you choose a restaurant for that proud meal with your parents. Sachins is a Punjabi styled restaurant situated a little up from the quayside. Immediately I was hit by the aroma of spices drifting over from the kitchen. Just like the food, the staff were warm and sweet and happy to guide our choices through an impressive selection of Punjabi food. We couldn’t start without the having a little graze at the pickle tray, which was served with a charming array of garnishes including sweet mango, hot chilli and cool raita. This restaurant is all about culinary balance, all produced in stylish micro-pans. The starters were the crowning glory of this charming restaurant which really showed off the chef ’s culinary expertise. I started with Kashmiri champney, that’s spring lamb chops marinated in Kashmiri spices and barbecued in the tandoor, and served with cool mint chutney. The meat was juicy and tender and sang in harmony with the seasoning accom-
Best Menu
Dinner
paniment. My other-half had Goan salmon, which was prime salmon marinated in goan spices and pan seared leaving the flesh tender yet flaky with a perfectly crisp top. Under a row of test tubes filled with red tulips we tucked into our mains. The murgh tikka lababdar boasted tender chicken pieces with a rich tomato sauce, which had an underlying earthiness from the cashew nuts balanced by a luxurious splash of cream. The lamb Saag was lovely although whilst the lamb was juicy I would have preferred the spinach a little less blended. The home-made naans were crisp yet had the right amount of warming softness in the middle. Instead of the quiet side dish usually encountered at the average curry house, Sachins delivered the perfect Bombay potatoes with delightful seasoning and just the
well. A light, tasty starter was exactly what we needed to get our appetite roaring for the main course. The Northumbrian rump steak came with tomatoes, mushrooms and handcut chips, and this was top on both mine and Katie’s lists. There were an array of main courses to drool over, listing everything traditional and very much regional including fish pie, poached salmon and Northumbrian lambs liver. A few of which we managed to catch a glimpse of whilst peaking over at our neighbours’ food. Our steak was accompanied by a generous helping of half melted garlic butter. I had mine rare, which turned out to be perfect. Katie’s was medium-well, which was slightly too dry for her taste, but the butter definitely made up for that. For desert, we were offered a highly recommended sticky toffee pudding with almond
Nando’s won’t do
B
lackfriars is a compelling little British restaurant tucked away neatly behind The Gate in the centre of town. Established originally in 1239 as a Dominican friary, it re-opened in 2001 with the intention of providing a traditional experience of fine dining. I must say it lived up to expectations. After absorbing our surroundings of antler chandeliers and wooden beamed ceilings, my friend and I were shown to our seats. We were tucked away in a corner peaking through the windows to a sunny green courtyard surrounded by beautiful architecture. After much um-ing and ahh-ing over the slightly overcrowded menu, we chose our
“There’s little room for disappointment at this little friary”
Inspirational Instagrams
right amount of bite. The deserts were cool and refreshing, yet lacked the same sophisticated presentation of their companion courses.
“Eating out is like the perfect shoe; a perfect balance between style and comfort” For me eating out is akin to the perfect shoe; it should perfectly strike the balance between style and comfort. The food was fabulous and comforting, so if you fancy a relaxed friendly Punjabi dining experience then you can’t go wrong with Sachins. I will definitely be returning for a casual delicious dinner again soon. Owen Bull
milk ice cream and salted caramel sauce. Although deemed a sweet-tooth’s pudding, this finished off the meal perfectly. The almond milk ice-cream balanced out the steaming hot stickiness, while the salt evened the sweetness. There were other choices equally as devilish, such as the three-layered chocolate brownie cake, or the Alnwick rum baba. I felt we made the right choice as we both left our bowls spotless. Blackfriars is certainly an experience to be repeated. The service was friendly, but not pushy, and the huge array of locally sourced food and drink (including a whole list of breweries) made you feel a part of the local community. Nominated for the ‘Taste of England Award’, there is little room for disappointment from this beautiful little friary. A perfect choice for celebrating on graduation day. Daisy Billowes
food. For starters, I went for the Yorkshire pea & watercress soup which came with a generous helping of creme fraiche. Katie chose the North Sea fishcake with homemade tartare sauce. The food was presented well, and the soup was an enviable green. It was not only a feast for the stomach, but for the eyes as
Price range: £45 per head Cuisine: ‘Classic but gutsy traditional British’ Vibe: traditional and rustic
For hearty British food choose... Blackfriars
@aoadnow Acting on a dream is a platform for people to share their hopes and turn their dreams into reality by taking pictures of themselves holding their very own dream cloud. Pretty sweet idea really.
@chadmurray15 Remember Lucas from One Tree Hill? Ever wondered what he’s up to now? Probs not. But nevertheless, apart from staring in a couple episodes of Southland, he’s flaunting a cracking Insta page. Lots of pictures of his ‘art’ and his dog. Oh, and a few inspirational quotes thrown in for good measure. What more could you wish for?
@eatmoveimprove If sitting in the library for too long is turning you into a cocktail sausage and you need some summer bod / health inspiration then Antania Eriksson’s page is for you. Mhm prawns, juicy prawns.
@snoopdogg All hail the Snoop. All hail the Snoop. Some classic Snoopisms from his Insta include: ‘Ain’t a woman alive that could take my mama’s place.’ ‘Dress like you listen to Sinatra and act like you listen to Pac.’ Thanks Snoop, all we can say is we will try. Kathyrn Holland
16.fashion
Monday 12 May 2014
The Courier
Fashion Editors: Frances Stephenson and Amy O’Rourke Deputy Fashion Editor: Bex Finney
My week in fashion
They think it’s all over
In anticipation of this summer’s World Cup, Matt Antoniak takes us through the very worst of football style
Kathryn Holland
E
xam time is upon us. For me this usually means the beginning of a mantra that goes something like this: ‘I can’t write this essay, I can’t remember anything, I can’t get out of bed, I can’t get dressed…’ This year however, in an attempt to reject the ensuing exam and essay depression I decided to make some lifestyle changes. One of the bigger ones was deciding to become a vegan for 21 days (when this issue comes to press I’ll hopefully be on day 12). What’s more I’m hoping that the onslaught of vegetables, fruits and pulses I will be devouring will give me more energy to power through, or so veganurbanite.com tells me. Fortunately, if I need a little help along the way, Gordon’s gin is vegan.
“My thinking behind this was that if I can go without cheese for 21 days, I can do anything” A slightly smaller change I decided to make was to stop worrying about what I looked like at the library. To work hard I need to be comfortable and I’ve spent enough time with my wardrobe to know what fits into this category. In the mornings before heading off for another long day at the library I choose from a selection of: two pairs of jeans (Topshop’s Joni and Mom varieties), a pair of cigarette trousers, two slouchy t-shirt dresses, two vests, a
“Of course, I couldn’t get through this time without my fabulous friends, all of whom I love very much”
A
Mexico 1998
N
USA 1994
Brazil 2014
Y
h, the 1990s. When kits had to be big, baggy and covered in stuff. It’s a toss-up between Mexico, Jamaica and South Africa for worst kit of France ’98, but Mexico possibly just steal it owing to the use of that great 90s football kit pandemic, the watermark. Having decided that the combination of electric green, white and red wasn’t retina-troubling enough, Umbro decided to resort to the one thing that could turn this kit from bad into truly awful – a big tacky watermark of an Aztec face.
ot exactly famed for their subtlety and understatement, our pals across the pond adopted this horrendous attire for their World Cup on home turf in 1994. Disregarding the old saying ‘less is more’, in typical 90s fashion, the patriotic Americans decided to cover their away shirt in an abundance of warped stars in homage to their national flag. They then also decided it would be a sage idea to make the body of the shirt look like denim (because obviously denim signifies America, duh). However, the Yanks looked less Levis and more TV static when they took to the pitch in their weird glitchy kits.
ellow and blue – it has worked for Mansfield Town and Brazil for years. Indeed, when you’ve got Neymar and Matt Rhead doing their fancy stuff on the pitch, hardly anyone will notice what the kit looks like. Tasked with this year’s get-up, Nike have apparently been exceptionally clever and scientific with the design, but, Nike, you can add all the performance-enhancing-aura-cleansing-sphincter-relaxing technology you want, if Brazil win this World Cup, Thiago Silva will still hold that famous trophy aloft looking like Simon from The Inbetweeners in one of his knock-off Topman v-neck monstrosities.
Cameroon 2002
Scotland 1986
Nigeria 1994- 2002
baggy grey crop-top. a kimono, three sweatshirts, three pairs of trainers, one pair of desert boots and my trusty Barbour jacket. These are my exam staples. After quickly choosing a combination of these I’m good to go (quickly checking that my flatmate doesn’t have a similar ensemble on). Of course, I couldn’t get through this time without my fabulous friends, all of whom I love very much. They’re something I’m definitely not going to change.
I
n 2002 Cameroon decided to re-write the rulebook and chopped the bloody sleeves off their shirts, the mad bastards. They won the African Cup of Nations in their sleeveless numbers, but because FIFA are just no fun, they were ordered to whack the sleeves back on for the World Cup a few months later. When they couldn’t find the discarded offcuts, Cameroon had to make do with stitching weird black sleeves on, and in the end the Cameroonians just looked a bit daft. It didn’t stop them trying it on again though, and in 2004 FIFA had to barge in once more and separate the shirts from the shorts in Cameroon’s crazy onepiece babygro kit. Madness.
C
learly Scotland realised they were never going to set the world alight with their footballing prowess in the 1986 tournament, so they decided to go down a different route in an effort to make an impression. Possibly the first and only team to ever experiment with a horizontal stripe across the shorts, the Scots certainly did stand out. However, unfortunately with the pale complexion of the Scottish team, if you squint enough it begins to look like Gordan Strachan is only wearing an indecent bit of blue cloth to cover his hairy sporrans.
N
o words can describe. 2002 home and 1994 away.
Fashion Eds’ verdict Frances: “I’m a big fan of the USA’s vintage inspired kit, the colour scheme is bang on this summer’s look.” Amy: “Nigeria’s use of pattern repetition is pretty cool, plus I like the player’s winning stance.”
The Courier
fashion.17
Monday 12 May 2014
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Behind the scenes
Bex Finney tells us how to achieve the festival inspired looks from the photoshoot
DIY floral headband Create the ultimate festival staple yourself, on a budget
1.
First thing to do is gather all your materials to make your headband. Find any old headband that you don’t mind loosing and rummage through old hair accessories to find anything to use for the flowers and cut them off. (Tip: children’s hair clips often have material flowers on.) If you are unsuccessful, a haberdashery stall in the market should be your next port of call and this allows you to choose any coloured flowers you wish. Lastly, find good quality craft glue and some scissors to assist in your creativity.
2.
T
his look has been inspired by our very own Brit fashionista, Kate Moss (we even used her new Topshop range for the look). This classic boho style is more secret garden party than muck, beer and transportable urinals. The smock dress is perfect for festivals as it can be dressed with elven style ankle boots or knee high socks and wellies. The smock will never go out of style and is an extremely versatile piece for your wardrobe. It can be worn all year with tights and boots in winter and sandals in summer. It’s also a great goto when you are struggling to find the perfect outfit for a night out, just stick on a pair of chunky platforms and you’re ready for the hippy hippy shake. You can re-create the look by purchasing Kate’s dress from Topshop for £85. It might seem pricey but it’s totally worth it.
Y
ou can’t avoid the grunge look on the festival scene, although sometimes this is completely unintentional due to lack of sleep or washing facilities. This look, however, is completely intentional. Denim levi-inspired shorts are always appropriate festival attire but be sure to pack some tights, British summers are rather unpredictable. If you prefer to go bare try some skin coloured tights to get the look without catching the flu. A sheer, lace blouse keeps the look feminine but with a gothic edge and black DM style boots add to this tomboy look. If you want to girlify the look just add some floral head pieces or for a super 70s style why not try a floppy fedora hat? Complete this look with a tousled mane, Kohl lined eyes and sheer lippy.
B
lue is big this season and has been seen all over the catwalk. It comes in so many wonderful shades; calming sky, turquoise, electric… the list is endless. Blue is a great colour to wear to stand out from the crowd this summer, especially at festivals. Everyone will be sporting forgiving blacks and pastel pink florals but blue will give you that added fashion edge. This look was inspired by the garden nymph fairy-tale style. It’s a very romantic look with soft pallets and subtle lace or floral hints. Think of sisterly singing duo the Pierces and you will have the perfect icons to base your look on. Floral crowns are always a festival yes but if you’re feeling creative why not try and create your own? You can decorate it however you want-flowers, feathers even shells. Keep the rest of the outfit simple to look fairyprincess perfect.
p sho Top
Topshop
Arrange your flowers along the headband in the manner you wish your final product to look. Depending on the types of flowers you’ve chosen determines how you will be able to attach them to your headband. Firstly try the glue to attach any fabric flowers and if needs be follow up with a few stiches to fully secure. If, like some of the flowers I have from the stall, are attached to wires, the easiest option is to tightly wrap the covered wire around the hairband and trim where necessary.
3.
Finally check for any excess glue or threads that need cutting. Also if your band is elasticated, stretch it out to see if there is anywhere that could use an extra flower as this will be what it looks like when worn. Then you’re ready to wear it however you want! Whether you go for a bit of boho chic wearing it across the forehead or further back to let your fringe flow, you have an original headband to rock at any festival.
18.beauty
Monday 12 May 2014
The Courier
Beauty Editors: Safiya Ahmed and Amy Macauley
Beauty in the time of parasites
Is the industry feeding off our insecurities? Ellen Dixon and Charlotte Maxwell share their views
No
Yes
For many people in the UK, their personal beauty products and treatments have undoubtedly become a commodity, and over time this has increased in vast proportions. With women desperately sticking to their regular beauty routines and frequently upgrading to the newer, more expensive products, the increase in criticism towards this growing industry was inevitable. But to say that the beauty industry feeds off our insecurities is in itself suggesting we are all victims of commercialisation, if we choose to buy into this industry.
The beauty industry is arguably fuelled by our insecurities caused by the unrealistic pursuit to look ‘perfect’. With magazine covers photoshopping left, right and centre, we are presented with an unattainable image of what it is to be beautiful and therefore the industry creates products that cover up what are perceived as our imperfections.
“The psychological pressure to adhere to looking perfect is dangerously unhealthy as more and more people fall victim to social discrimination every year”
‘‘With Instagram we are constantly exposed to pictures of beautiful and seemingly perfect celebrities”
Of course these beauty companies recognise that with mediums such as the growing Instagram craze, we are constantly exposed to pictures of beautiful and seemingly perfect celebrities. By getting these celebrities to endorse their products, the companies are using the age-old tactic of luring us into the belief that we’ll end up looking like Kiera Knightly if we wear Chanel perfume. But maybe we just want to smell nice. Surely the plethora of products on the market empower women rather than exploit their insecurities? We are able to create our own individuality through the use of makeup, become fresher faced through the use of creams, and our hair can look glossier because of the extensive supply of hair products available. With the stresses of life taking their heavy toll on our appearances, it can actually give us a sense of control and for a woman to feel confident and good about herself cannot be seen as a bad thing. Celebrating natural beauty is vitally important in this growing culture and should never be dismissed, but just as wearing clothes acts as a device for individualisation so should the use of beauty products. For many, a beauty ritual is an amusement not a chore. It’s OK to enjoy cleansing and tanning, and getting ready to go out wearing your favourite lipstick, when you simply feel better about yourself once you’ve done it. What’s more, there are plenty of women out there who are lucky enough to feel confident with minimal or even no make-up and their hair natural. There are also women who don’t particularly care for beauty products whether they think they need them or not. Most insecure women though would agree that having these products so readily available is a good thing, even if the companies’ campaigns have questionable motives.
From a young age girls are told that under-eye circles, for example, are ugly, and from this big name brands make millions of pounds every year selling creams and concealers that supposedly hide signs of tiredness and these don’t always work. The same goes for lotions dedicated to getting rid of cellulite, the more expense the more likely you are to see results, ripping you off when you could just go to the gym and tone up your thighs naturally. But now beauty has turned into a commodity that must be possessed unnaturally; long gone are the days trying to obtain the ‘natural look’ now that ‘falsies’ effects mascaras are a new craze. Striving for impossibly longer-looking, fake lashes in order to enhance our merely human selves is now deemed as the norm due to society’s expectations and idealised notions of beauty expectations. Men too are told that they can’t go grey or have irritated skin as a result of shaving, so the commodification of beauty does not just apply to the female consumer market. But under-eye circles, cellulite, grey hair and stumpy lashes are only thought of as ‘ugly’ by society and its unnatural, high expectations of the human body. The psychological pressure to adhere to looking perfect is dangerously unhealthy as more and more people fall victim to eating disorders, plastic surgery addiction, and social discrimination every year. There is nothing wrong with wanting to look nice, but aspects like social media only drive our insecurities and when we see an advert for a product that claims to correct our imperfections, we will naturally want to try it to look prettier/more handsome. We invest so much time and money in order to cover up; most girls feel ‘naked’ leaving the house without any makeup on, and so obviously there will be someone that will want to make money out of it.
Tan girling
Not hitting the beach this year? Charlotte Davies shares her top tips for success in faking it to make it and perfecting your summer glow
W
ith summer just round the corner and temperatures (ever so slightly) rising, its time to show off a little more skin. And of course that means its time to get our tan on too. With these three easy tips you’ll avoid any tell tale signs of faking it and hopefully make the bronzing process a little less daunting for the weary ones out there.
Preparation I really can’t stress enough that for a natural looking tan preparation is key. So definitely don’t leave this task until ten minutes before leaving the house. Your first job is to gently remove any old skin cells using an exfoliator of your choice. There are loads out there, although my personal favourite is the Soap and Glory Breakfast Scrub. Not only does it do the job well, but it smells amazing also. At only £8.00 it’s not too pricey either. Once this is complete your skin will feel silky smooth and revitalised. Don’t forget to exfoliate your back with a good old fashioned back spatula. Skipping this step can be disastrous when you’re looking to maintain a sun-kissed glow. Believe me, the last thing you’ll want to do is reveal your patch-tastic ‘glow’. Also, to avoid orange tinted palms, make sure you have those latex gloves ready and make up wipes on hand for anything that may go wrong.
Moisturise
Step number two, cover yourself from head to toe in your favourite moisturiser. St Tropez actually have their own moisturiser which is made specifically for pre-tanning purposes. Their tan enhancing moisturiser is quite the saviour when it comes to your bronzing needs. Its not too heavy meaning your tan wont cling, and it will leave your skin feeling velvety soft. The product also contains ingredients which will make your tan last longer, now if that doesn’t sell it I’m not sure what will. When moisturising be sure to concentrate on areas that are most prone to dry patches of skin. This means wrists, elbows, knees, feet and ankles. Nothing gives away your fake-bake like tangoed knees! Be sure to let your moisturiser set in for a little while before applying tan. My final little trick? Dab a smidge of Vaseline along your hairline and brows to avoid a patchy-face giveaway.
Tan
Okay, once all your preparation is done you are ready to be transformed into a bronzed goddess. Make sure you use either a tanning mit or latex gloves to do the applying. This will allow for a smoother application, and obviously avoid the cheating signs of orange tinted palms. There are an endless amount of tanning products out there so don’t panic if you’re on a budget. If you’re looking to splash out then brands such as St Tropez and Xen-Tan are a no brainer. However, being a student myself I know that treats such as these are usually reserved for Christmas/birthday mornings. So if you’re looking to save a few pennies then St Moriz (yes, the ultimate St Tropez knock off ) can be found all over, and costs on average only £3.00. Sorry to say it ladies, but a budget is no excuse for pasty pins this summer. And don’t forget your most important asset: your face. Invest in a good bronzer to sweep over the cheekbones and temples for an instant sun-kissed glow without having to cake on the rest of your make up. Hula by benefit is great.
Tan enthusiast David Dickinson
The Courier
beauty.19
Monday 12 May 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/beauty courier.beauty@ncl.ac.uk | @Courier_Beauty
Flawless festival face
Although it’s typical to have a few drinks before seeing your favourite band, a boozey makeup application can lead to looking less like a Delevingne sister and more like Dame Edna. Grace Beddows shows us how to look fresh
Avoid liquid eyeliner
Dare to go dark Take a trip to the dark side. Aditya Sharanaya tells us how to rock this seasons hottest trend
Liquid liner is an art that is hard to master at the best of times, with getting an identical flick on both eyes being the most time consuming and often frustrating aspect of the getting ready process. It goes without saying that attempting this look in a slightly tipsy state verges on impossible, so it is advisable to skip the liquid liner step altogether. Instead, to define the eye, a line of kohl pencil blended out on the top lashes can work, or alternative just a sweep of eye shadow is a safe option. In the festival spirit, a more adventurous makeup look may be called for, and to achieve this in a slightly inebriated state, a swipe of a neutral glittery eye shadow will add a fun twist and is hard to get wrong.
Wear waterproof mascara Waterproof mascara is a definite must have for any festival, and can be applied with little skill or concentration required. Due to the unpredictable weather of British ‘summer’ festivals, waterproof mascara is a necessary defence against the impromptu downpours that are known to make an appearance every now and then in the festival season. Even if the weather stays dry, waterproof mascara will protect from panda eyes caused by humidity, or against smudging your mascara from tears of joy when the singer of your dream makes his appearance on stage.
Tinted moisturiser
A thick, heavy coverage foundation is the last thing you want to struggle in applying when having indulged in a few drinks. The copious blending that is necessary to avoid the dreaded orange line framing your face is not the easiest of tasks to do when under the influence, so sticking to a light tinted moisturiser is the safest option in this situation. A tinted moisturiser or BB cream can be applied with fingers to create a natural glow and is much less time consuming, which means more time for dancing and socialising.
Avoid bold lipsticks
Applying a lipstick which is drastically different from your natural lip colour requires a steady hand and a keen eye for mistakes in the mirror. Without these two skills, going for a bright coral or pink lip will probably result in straying outside the lip line area, so a more subtle tone is a much better bet. A tinted lip balm, such as a Maybelline Baby Lips or a Revlon Lip Butter give just enough colour but have a creamy formulation which means that going ‘over the lines’ won’t have such disastrous consequences.
Blokey beach bod Tom Tibble concludes his nuggets of wisdom for Lads with some rather unconventional advice on how to prepare yourself before hitting the beach
A
s this series of revolutionary Ladvice comes to a close we tackle a conundrum that has baffled The Lad’s pre-summer thinking throughout the course of Lad history – how best to get bikini ready. Fear not Lads, the answers are all here. Many people uphold the belief that only Lasses get bikini ready. That usually consists of the Lass coordinating a healthy eating plan with an appropriate exercise regime in order to achieve a bikini ready body, just in case her body was previously unaware that at any point a bikini may attach itself to her. This is all fair enough. But people forget that The Lad needs to get bikini ready too. With so many Lasses under no surprise to be wearing a bikini, and many of them sporting bikini designs with not only a delightful array of colours but also a trendy geometric pattern, The Lad needs to get bikini ready by getting ready for the bikini. But why does The Lad need to get ready for the bikini? Well in Newcastle we are in no danger of seeing the kind of weather that makes people don bikinis unless the British summer is not typically British. Bikinis migrate to Britain every summer and most leave disappointed. For Lads and Lasses in hotter climes the sight of bikinis is nothing extraordinary and so they are well prepared for it, what they do however struggle with, is rain. So while we rack our brains to get bikini ready, Lads and Lasses who are used to hotter climes must get their bodies’ anorak ready, an equally tough plight. When The Lad gets bikini ready he needs to start contemplating colour, style and specialist bikini terminology like ‘halter-neck’ and ‘bandeau.’ Then he needs to work out how to incorporate these
terms into a Laddish conversation, e.g., “Hey Percival, do you not find that that Lass’ auburn locks complement her pink base multicoloured polka dot bandeau bikini quite exquisitely? It’s the sort of combination of edgy patterning and brash colour that I haven’t seen since quite so brilliantly blended since the costume designers behind Mr Blobby got so high” - a stunning tribute to any self-respecting bikini wearer. So The Lad needs to do thorough revision if he has any hope of making accurate and concise bikini observations, so richly layered with historical and contextual knowledge. The best tool for The Lad in revising this subject is Google Images, so before you get surfing, get surfing.
Illustrations by Emily North
D
ark lipstick is the perfect way to put the bloom in spring, the perfect pop your outfits need. Now dark lips don’t necessarily mean red lips as Lorde has clearly established with the dark purple lips trend. Darker shades of brown, purple and red can all be worn and carried off as dark lipstick elegantly if you follow a few guidelines. When going for dark statement lips, it is crucial to keep the rest of your makeup minimal, as you want all the attention towards your lips. Begin with a good matte foundation to keep the oil and shine away in the heat. I personally love Estee Lauder’s double wear light that while keeping it natural and covering the unevenness of your skin tone also protects you from the sun, go for a tone darker than your skin if you’re exceptionally pale this will prevent the dark lips from washing out all the colour from your face. Use some bronzer if you still feel too pale or just want to accentuate those cheekbones, my favourite is the Max factor one as it lasts long hours. Make sure to brush some on at your nose tip if you don’t have a naturally sharp nose. Finish with some eyeliner, winged if you’re feeling bold. If it’s a more formal occasion, skip the eyeliner and just go generous on the mascara. I love the false eyelash effect one by Max Factor, make sure to use it in plenty as this will make your eyes look big and give you that Marilyn Monroe doe-eyed dark-lipped look. If it’s an evening affair, use some gold eye shadow jus below the waterline to feel and look like a diva. These guidelines are quite similar for all skin and hair tones, gold and bronze compliment dark lips best. If your hair is black or purple, you can experiment with silver but make sure the grey doesn’t wash you out. The key is keeping it minimal, leave the focus to the lips and don’t forget to pout in those yummy lips.
Join SCAN, a lively student led charity which provides you with endless opportunities to share a little bit of your time and energy for the benefit of the local community. With over 200 worthwhile volunteering opportunities to pick from, there is always something that will suit you.
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The Courier
12May-30Junelistings.21
Tuesday 12 May 2014
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Listings Mariner 9
McBusted
A giant panoramic vision of Mars would be awesome on its own, but this one is even set 200 years in the future and covered in wrecked spaceships. Free
They’re not quite McFly, they’re not quite Busted, and yet they’re also much, much more. Featuring a flying Back to The Future DeLorean. Tickets £39.50
Until 7th September Laing Gallery
The Late Shows 16th & 17th May Basically Everywhere
A city-wide music and arts festival with cool goings on in every cultural venue in Newcastle. Highlights include a dog who can paint. Free
Little Mix
17th May Metro Radio Arena
After asking around the office, we determined that Little Mix are probably the second best act to emerge from The X Factor, so that’s something. Tickets from £23.50
Chaka Khan 17th May Hoochie Coochie
The disco diva behind bangers like ‘Aint Nobody’ and ‘I’m Every Woman’ reckons she can fleece you for nearly £200. Good luck to her, I say. Tickets £175 (no, seriously)
21st May Metro Radio Arena
The Trip To Italy Q&A 21st May Tyneside Cinema
A screening of the film version of the excellent BBC series, followed by a sattelite Q&A with Rob Brydon and Steve Coogan. Impressions abound. Tickets from £8
Courtney Love 22nd May Riverside
Your chance to see the semi-legendary Hole frontwoman, and if you’re lucky she might even be standing up. Tickets £34
Evolution Emerging 24th May Ouseburn Valley
In lieu of an actual Evolution festival this year, you could always pop down to the Ouseburn Valley its locally sourced younger brother. Tickets £3
Derren Brown 2nd–7th June Theatre Royal
Say what you want about the accomplished mesmerist’s attention grabbing TV stunts, but his live show is still pretty impressive. Tickets £27.50
A Streetcar Named Desire 4th June Northern Stage
This imaginative production of the classic Tennessee Williams play is sure to be stellar. Stellar! Stellaaaar! Tickets from £14.50
Scooby Doo
12th June Mill Volvo Tyne Theatre
If you’ve ever watched Scooby Doo and thought it needed more fuzzy costumes and less merciful brevity, this is the show for you. Tickets £19.50
Dolly Parton 14th June Metro Radio Arena
The country superstar is moseying on down to the arena to bring you all the hits she undoubtedly has. You know the ones. Tickets from £50
Robbie Williams
22nd June Metro Radio Arena
With a set full of repurposed swing classics, this is the Robbie Williams tour to catch if you prefer Michael Bublé to Robbie Williams. Tickets from £65.50
Thriller Live 23rd-28th June Theatre Royal
If you squint really hard, it’s like the King of Pop himself has risen from the grave to dance around for your enjoyment. That would make a great music video, actually.
The Gruffalo 24th–28th June Theatre Royal
The classic children’s story live on stage, stretching the anaemic tome to a full 50 minutes of Gruffalo action. Tickets from £12
The Wizard of Oz 24th June Nortnern Stage
Spoilers: he’s not really a wizard. Go see Derren Brown instead. Tickets from £12
22.arts
Monday 12 May 2014
The Courier
Arts Editors: Millie Walton and Charlie Dearnley Deputy Arts Editor: Laura Wotton
Top 5 Arts Festivals We asked our writers to choose their favourite arty fests for this Summer
Shambala
If you’re in search of a festival that offers more than half a dozen generic headline acts and dance tents then look no further than SHAMBALA. Brimming with arty possibilities to fill your weekend from The Smoking Puppet Cabaret, The Story Telling Yurt, the Arts and Crafts workshops, The Lost Picture Show, to the epic fancy dress Shambala Carnival. Every year the site is filled with beautiful interactive art installations, turning it into one big open-air art gallery with some of the country’s best creative minds working to conjure up pieces of work that you will never forget. Expect the unexpected in the enchanted woodlands with surreal soundscapes, live theatre and huge AV installations through the night. And if all that was not enough, don’t miss the spectacular grand finale; be prepared for breathtaking fire shows, performance and fireworks set against a beautiful backdrop of tree-lined lakes. Beatrice Walker
47 degrees on show
With the Fine Art degree show just around the corner, Felicity Souter takes a look at some of the work involved in the show, giving us a sneak peek at what to expect from the forty seven graduates
O
n Friday 30th May Newcastle University and the Hatton Gallery will host the Newcastle University Fine Art Degree Show 2014. The Fine Art Degree Show at the Hatton Gallery this year is the result of four years of hard work and dedication by forty seven young artists. The exhibition boasts a variety of styles and mediums from Olivia Bayley’s hair and soap sculptures to
Other cities have tried to replicate it, but nothing yet has managed to match the sheer energy and variety of Edinburgh Fringe. Every year thousands of performers and visitors flock to Scotland’s capital for a month long extravaganza of theatre, music, comedy, cabaret and art amongst a plethora of other unique, bizarre and wonderful events. It’s the place where names are made and talent is found. The line-up is always hugely diverse with amateurs and celebrities alike taking to the stage. The city itself becomes like a large-scale production bursting with colour, culture and eccentrics. Camilla Walton
Nottinghill Carnival
The clue is in the name; carnival. A performance in itself, it is a burst of feathers, glitter, music and rum. Visually and musically stimulating, this is what makes for a great day out in London’s infamous Notting Hill. Always in the month of August, the sun is out, which adds to the event (a rare occurrence in London). Even the police get involved, casting aside petty authority in response to the positive atmosphere. A visual delight, the floats and costumes that represent each Afro-Caribbean community are the most eye catching you may ever see. Notting Hill begins with a float parade, and ends fully intoxicated. Katie Silver
Beacons
Bestival
Bestival, by the very nature of its name, is oh so much more than the musical. Hidden away on the Isle of Wight, the merry island team have a whole host of creative ideas to inspire everyone’s September experience. Whilst the main music stages will be blaring out the likes of Outkast, Foals and Chic, one only has to delve into the enticingly-named Ambient Forest to discover cinematic delights, canopied stages hosting performance poetry and short, comedy plays all under the same ticket. Psychedelic salons dotted around the site are melting pots of artistic talent, surreal performances and live music. With the added bonus of ‘Caravanserai’ rolling in with its host of travellers, gypsies and Le Cirque performers, this year at Bestival looks set to be a cracker. Laura Wotton
QUOTES SO SIMPLE
and eye-catching. The abundance of work by the daring, young artists of tomorrow is extremely exciting and you have the bonus opportunity to join them at the preview to discuss their practice. From video to painting, sculpture to drawing, performance to installation, there is something for everyone. The Newcastle University Fine Art Degree Show 2014 is not to be missed.
“The show is the result of four years of hard work and dedication”
Edinburgh Fringe Festival
Set in the midst of the glorious Yorkshire dales just outside of Skipton, Beacons is the perfect antithesis to the comparatively overpriced, oversized, and overhyped Leeds Festival. Good for families and with a smattering of niche, hipster-friendly musicians on the line-up Beacons is itself a work of art rather than just a music festival. With sculptures made by local artists and dance and street theatre performances throughout the festival site, it is the Hunter’s Field that is the jewel Beacon’s alternative crown. With the Weimar Germany-esque cabaret tent The Impossible Lecture and the indie cinema showings and morning yoga classes held in the Into the Woods tent, you may as well not see any bands. Jamie Shepherd
Sandra Freeman’s blind, meditative drawings, from Nadia Scola’s performances to Rosemary Wowk’s architectural structures. The preview of the exhibition is on Friday 30th May at 6pm. This is a great opportunity to see all of the artists by their work and to talk to them about their practice. The exhibition will remain at the Hatton Gallery for a further two weeks after the preview before heading down south to the Truman Brewery in London where it will have a second preview on 3rd July at 6pm. Looking through the exhibition website you can see the broad range of work and the artists’ statements which give a clear outline of each individual’s practice and a glimpse of what you can expect
Top: Gemma Herries. Bottom: Heidi Dent
to see at the show. Some personal highlights I am excited to see in the final show include Heidi Dent’s knotted sculptures which explore the ‘limitless nature of repetition’ which she claims to find both fascinating and intimidating. Her work is organic and tactile as she knots materials such as cotton and hessian into natural forms. The process inspired by her upbringing on a farm and familiarity with physical labour is the drive behind the work. Gemma Herries also creates fascinating sculptures. Her bags of ambiguous liquid containing globular, vein-like material is both mesmerising and nauseating. In her description of the work Herries says it often receives ‘disgusted reactions’ probably because of its ‘association to bodily and neurological forms’. Her work is inspired by her interest in neuroscience and finding new, unusual ways of using art materials. Russell Gordon-Jones creates paintings of interiors which have an intriguing yet disconcerting feel to them. The claustrophobic compositions create a slight sense of paranoia as the view is limited to a small space, often with covered or unreachable windows making the viewer feel isolated and vulnerable. Jen Bucknell, also a painter, creates ambiguous images on glass, reversing the process of layering a painter is used to. The transparency but solidity of the glass makes it move between ‘the material and immaterial’ in an ‘illusionistic’ fashion. Her new approach to a traditional medium is unique
Top: Jen Bucknell. Bottom: Russell Gordon-Jones
Desert island books
We asked Benjamin McCullough which four books he would take with him to while away the hours on a desert island. Here’s what he came up with Catch 22 Joseph Heller
The Rum Diary Hunter S. Thompson
The Stand Stephen King
On the Road Jack Kerouac
Brilliantly funny yet moving, Heller’s stand out novel is so good it managed to get a new term added to the dictionary. Yossarian’s aim to ‘live forever or die in the attempt’ doubles as a pretty good motto for surviving a desert island (or a 2-week family holiday).
A rum-soaked hack heads to sunsoaked Porto Rico to work at a dying paper in HST’s semiautobiographical novel. It’s hilarious, absorbing and very much in the crazed vein of Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas. What better place to read about trouble in paradise than your own personal paradise? Really is nothing else like it.
The ultimate re-reader. This epic about an apocalyptic disaster sees survivors pitted against each other as they begin to rebuild society, quite fitting for life on the island. It’s also huge, therefore excellent to use as a pillow when you’re focusing on your tan rather than any work of fiction.
Drink, sex, drugs and jazz fill Jack Kerouac’s semi-autobiographical account of a breathless journey back and forth across the United States. Spontaneous, thoughtful and full of interesting characters, it’s a perfect read whilst soaking up the sun.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair. Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities
The Courier
arts.23
Monday 12 May 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/arts c2.arts@ncl.ac.uk | @courier_arts
Pic of the Week #nclarts
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ach week we choose the best arty Instagram pic to feature in the paper. Whether its taken on campus, on a night out or in your own house, we want your snaps. Simply hashtag #nclarts and we’ll pick a weekly winner. Besides featuring in an award winning paper, the winning pic is worth a delicious bag of sweets too. Get instagramming, folks. This week’s winning pic is ‘Barter Books’ by Instagram user...
...thisisnotforyou...
Creativity & Coffee
Zoe Troughton experiences the delights of Willis cafe in studentcentral Jesmond...
Poetry corner
Promoting the creativity and talent of Newcastle students For our final poetry corner for this year, Holly Suttle submits her beautiful poem ‘City of the Universe’ and we’ve thrown in a complementary Thomas Moore poem appropriately about summer to keep you going this exam season...
City of the Universe
Tis the Last Rose of Summer
Holly Suttle
Thomas Moore
Life is full, excitement and music plays Over the air and echoes in between. Vocals of shouts of delight through the days, Endless bright nights in the dark go unseen. Under shadows sharp contrasts start to glow, Nothing is everything — each second counts, Indecision seems to lapse in its grow. Vicious beauty in these friendships that last, Every moment as precious as gold, Remember remembering what has passed Some sorrow but the laughter never gets old. Inside we feel these colours in large amounts, They are what brings us together at heart,
Tis the last rose of summer Left blooming alone; All her lovely companions Are faded and gone: No flower of her kindred, No rose-bud is nigh, To reflect back her blushes, Or give sigh for sigh.
A Drinks Art Vibe
Simple yet classy
little less well known than the other typical student hideouts that Newcastle boasts, just around the corner from the Jesmond Metro on Clayton Road is ‘Willie’s Café.’ A simple yet classy little café, with the standard artisan wooden décor and cakes concealed behind glass displays. A small array of coffees were available, but on settling for a flat white, it seemed quality rather than quantity was their aim. The resulting coffee was brewed pretty well- steamed milk poured over two shots of espresso, topped with microfoam. I was a little disappointed on the lack of alternative milk – no dairy-free alternatives for the lactose intolerant among us, and it burnt a costly £2.50 hole in the pocket, but it makes for a great escape-from-the-library and en-route-home stop, complete with vintage board games which nobody will judge you for playing.
‘Poetry Corner’ ... ...is a new running feature in our Arts
Section this semester, encouraging the hidden poets amongst you to show off your talents to the student body. If you too would like to contribute to this section, don’t hesitate in emailing c2.arts@ ncl.ac.uk with your submissions. Whatever the content, length or style, we look forward to reading them.
Pink Lane Poetry
The Moon Cannot Be Stolen
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he Moon Cannot Be Stolen is a one-hour spoken word performance by poet, Kirsten Luckins. Described by Sophia Walker as ‘Redbull, in theatre form, with no health risk,’ the show leads the audience on an invigorating voyage to India through the eyes of a backpacker seeking self-discovery. Luckins describes the seedy side of the ‘90s Goa rave scene, the mystical power of the city of Varanasi and the influence of individuals she met along the way from hippies to spiritual guides. Told through a combination of poetry, stories and music, Luckins asks us to question our identities and search for true enjoyment in life. The performance is also preceeded by a writing workshop led by Luckins who will offer advice on effective diary writing and mindful travelling. For those just about to graduate this could offer a little insight and clarity and is, at the very least, guaranteed to motivate travel and adventure. The workshop is free for all those attending the performance and is a great opportunity to learn from a hugely inspirational figure. Millie Walton
Must see!
So soon may I follow, When friendships decay, And from Love’s shining circle The gems drop away. When true hearts lie wither’d, And fond ones are flown, Oh! who would inhabit This bleak world alone?
review
previews
Live Theatre 15 May
I’ll not leave thee, thou lone one! To pine on the stem; Since the lovely are sleeping, Go, sleep thou with them. Thus kindly I scatter Thy leaves o’er the bed, Where thy mates of the garden Lie scentless and dead.
O
Northern Stage 16 May
n the 16th May, for one night only, Pink Lane Poetry and Performance will host an evening of live music, comedy, poetry and spoken word at Northern Stage. Ten poets/ performers have ten minutes to entertain and enthral, keeping the pace fast and the laughs often. The event is renowned for its vibrant, lively atmosphere, with a ‘great crowd, beautiful hosts, all connected by an air of unpredictability’. The evening will be hosted by the theatre company’s founders, Robbie Lee Hurst and Jessica Johnsonthe hearts behind the Pink Lane community that works to provide a regular platform for local artists and an environment for them to collaborate and share their work. Pink lane was started in 2009 by the Jazz Cafe and has a firm following of poets and performers from across the UK. Dedicated to introducing a younger audience to theatre, Pink Lane re-brands the old ideals of poetry and spoken word and creates a modern and fresh approach. For only a fiver, it is set to be a brilliant value evening of frolicking, arty entertainment. Beatrice Walker
Body Worlds Vital
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Life Centre 17 March - 2 November
fter a worldwide success from New York to Tokyo, the science exhibition that impressed visitors all over the world makes its UK debut in Newcastle. The Life Science Centre hosts Body Worlds Vital, a stunning display of real human bodies that explores the complexity of the physics through health and wellness. Intended to be one of the biggest attractions of this season, Body Worlds Vital preserves its collection of organs and human specimens with the pioneering process of Plastination, created by the German Doctor Gunther von Hagens. The method, specifically developed for educational uses, involves five different steps from embalming to curing, and introduces silicone rubber to conserve the bodies. However, what makes Vital different to other Body Worlds’ exhibitions is its focus on human health and life-threatening diseases. Within the display, Newcastle visitors will be able to discover how best to fight cancer or heart ailments, and also learn the best ways to keep their bodies fit and healthy. For this, the exhibition suggests some lifestyle changes that could improve the human life quality. Without any doubt, it is a shocking and instructive proposal to take a break from the assessments of May. James Ricketts
Captain Amazing Live Theatre
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hanks to the outstanding talents of writer Alistair McDowall and actor Mark Weinman, Live Theatre showcased the perfect marriage of creativity and conviction with the hilarious and moving Captain Amazing. The show couples two wonderful narratives side by side. In one you follow the unglamorous life of young father Mark struggling to bring up his daughter Emily, whilst in the other, Mark is the undercover superhero Captain Amazing, chief of villainous ass-kicking. Mark Weinman’s performance is stunning as he masterfully jumps between several roles – Batman, Superman, the Evil Villain, his girlfriend and daughter Emily – filling each role with a brilliantly nuanced persona. As the story unfolds you begin to wonder what started Mark’s inspiration to become Captain Amazing. After exchanging notes with fellow superheroes Batman and Superman on the trials of shrinking your leather superhero outfit at the dry cleaners, it becomes clear that Mark donned Captain Amazing’s cape for his daughter Emily. This is an exceptional piece of theatre, a comedy that serves as a lovely reminder that our parents are all superheroes, even if they do not always rememTom Tibble
24.filmfeatures
Monday 12 May 2014
The Courier
Film Editors: Muneeb Hafiz and Jacob Crompton-Schreiber
Seth Rogen: the Rolling Stoner
Editor’s We at The Courier adore him but the question is: Which Seth Rogen are you? Word Are you a gym nut/health freak? This isn’t the End For many of us the university experience is coming to what feels like an abrupt end. Murmurs of disquiet and worriment might be getting louder and the frustration of finding employment, if you haven’t already, feels sentimentally akin to what Sirius Black felt after all those years in Azkaban. But in the midst of negativity you might take note of these morsels of advice.
3 You will have a routine
Well, there’s no way you’re any Seth Rogen. Ever. Like no way.
Absolutely, my body is a temple
See my Netflix account usage and then ask. No
I’m somewhere between no and hell naw
Are you easily motivated?
I’m up and at ‘em by about half 10 at the latest
Dale Denton of Pineapple Express ‘Doobie-Rogen’
Perhaps the most difficult of transitions out of university existence is the change of lifestyle and routine. What that means is actually putting together something that resembles a routine and a lifestyle that no longer sees Monday as a perfectly legitimate night to go out on the lash. More positively though, days, weeks are no longer lost to essays and presentations, waking up wondering who the fuck you are on the morning of submission. That’s not to assume all students are slothful, Netflix-binging layabouts, but the malleable nature of the university schedule which is pretty much based on the mood you’re in when you get up might not be the case after graduation.
Lover or Fighter?
No offence, but you’re a pretty lazy mofo. Fresh air, physical exercise, not being stoned - these are just some of the things that you care nothing for. It’s not all bad though, you’re easy-going and oh so cuddly.
Marriage material or Lone Ranger?
2
I’m a Rogen so fighter is a very loose term. But I’m up for fisticuffs whenever shit gets real I’m all about loving thy neighbour. Gimme some sugar
Ridin’ solo
Work ain’t all bad
Not particularly, I just want a cushty suburban life
Marry me!
For many the apparent monotony of the 9 to 5 is actually quite reassuring. It might not be as exciting or eventful as a week in the life of the average student but it’s something. Graduating is of course just the next step, another phase toward wherever we’re meant to be and whatever we’re meant to be doing. But more often than not what we’re ‘meant’ to be doing will change and not once but any number of times. I guess the important thing is to find a silver lining because the best years of your life aren’t up, and your uni experience is not some arbitrary cut-off for fun or spontaneity.
1 Embrace uncertainty This is a very difficult one to conquer but the most productive outlook is to see uncertainty as a positive force that will ultimately drive you to find out what it is you want to do. Take things as they come as opposed to attempting to catalogue, compartmentalise and coordinate every single aspect of life after education. Let’s be real though, planning and determination are key ingredients to progress. But a spin on the classic ‘I don’t know what I’m gonna do with my life’ all the way through to ‘Who am I?’, might now read ‘There’s so much I can do with my life’. Leave plenty of time and mental capacity to be proud of what you’ve achieved thus far. And even though shit might just have got real, it’s all going to be fine.
Lou of Take This Waltz “Hubby-Rogen”
You’re romantic, broody, and just straightup loveable. You might not be the most spontaneous or outgoing of personalities but your an ideal partner for someone somewhere. Everyone wants to settle down with a Hubby-Rogen.
Seth Rogen of This is the End ‘Seth Rogen-Rogen’
Well, do you crave action once you’ve had a taste?
Mac Radner of Bad Neighbours ‘Big Daddy-Rogen’
You’re fast approaching that fine line between your crazier younger years spent chundering in takeaways and not remembering where you got peach-sized bruises, and proper sensible adulthood. You think you can still kick it, but let’s face it you’re a good example for us all. You’re so Seth Rogen it’s not even fair. Laid-back and always up for a laugh, you’re ridin’ solo because you’re busy having fun and just being an all-round firecracker. Everyone wants to know you and you’re the perfect companion during the Rapture.
Definitely. I’ve come to fuck shit up
Britt Reid of The Green Hornet ‘Green Hornet-Rogen’
You’ve got a penchant for bad behaviour and you just don’t care. Whether you’re enjoying freeview without a TV license or jacking road signs on the way home from Sinners, you’re unpredictable, impulsive and sometime downright dangerous. We all still love you though.
The Courier
reviewsfilm.25
Monday 12 May 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/film c2.film@ncl.ac.uk | @Courier_Film
“McLovin? That’s badass!” Superbad (2007)
Pompeii (12A)
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Star Wars VII Tid-Bits
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ompeii truly demonstrates Anderson’s love for ecstatically intense action in an explosive (pun intended) fashion. However, in order to get to the inevitable eruption, you’ll have to sit through an hour of what is essentially a poor imitation of Gladiator, complete with extensive cringe-worthy dialogue, poor character development, and the main man Kit Harington looking as depressed as ever. From the off it appears that the screen writers have opened their box of clichés and emptied it all over the script in order to procure an all to obvious story of revenge, love, and corruption. Like watching a useless supporting act before the headliners, you’re simply passing the time until the main show, and, seemingly, so is the director. Watch as The Celt/Milo (Harington) stops short of shouting “Are you not entertained?” to the baying crowd as he sulkily kills his way from the Londinium arena to the coliseum of Pompeii in roughly three minutes. This includes a flashback to his childhood, in which – you guessed it – he watches his family being slaughtered before becoming the gladiator slave that he is. Once nearing Pompeii, this gladiator-turned-horse-whisperer wins the affections of Cassia (Browning) over the body of a dead horse. It’s no real wonder that there is an evident lack of chemistry between the two starcrossed lovers, when all they have in common is a
hatred of Rome and a love of horses. Credit where credit is due, though, as Anderson delivers in the action scenes in the coliseum. Lightening paced and well-choreographed, the battle between the gladiators and the legions of the corrupt Senator Corvus (Sutherland) is indeed a spectacle. Subsequently, Ned Stark’s bastard once again proves he knows nothing of original speeches as he stands defiant of Senator Corvus, giving his “Husband to a murdered wife, father to a murdered son” speech. It is at this point that the Gladiator act is dropped, and in comes 2012, Titanic, The Day after Tomorrow, and Volcano. The result is a patchwork of disaster movies in which Anderson presumably got really excited and started running around the stu-
dio making explosion noises whilst the CGI guys did an incredible job at blowing up, setting alight, and flooding the city of Pompeii. You’ll be left feeling mildly indifferent as characters you have no real connection with fall into the earth, are burnt alive, or drowned, as the producers pray to their lucky stars that the graphic destruction is enough for you to think that the film was worthwhile. Overall, Pompeii as a disaster movie is just above par, however the real disaster lies with the first half. Kit Harington should stick to defending The Wall.
Brick Mansions (15)
Bad Neighbours (15)
Blue Ruin (15)
5 Return of the Original Cast Undoubtedly the most exciting news to come out so far is the return of original cast members Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford as Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia Organa and Han Solo respectively. Fans will also note that John Williams will return to compose the iconic music score.
More like this: Gladiator (2000)
J.J Abrams Mike Cowley
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Well known for co-creating Lost and directing the two most recent Mission Impossible films, perhaps Abrams’ greatest success was his reboot of the Star Trek films, both of which were critically acclaimed. With a man of his reputation in the Sci-Fi genre we can only expect great things.
3 New cast members
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s a big fan of 2004’s District B13, it’s American remake sticks extremely close to the original story, with David Belle even reprising his lead role. Set in 2018 Detroit, (one of the films lackluster attempts at social commentary), the neighbourhood known as Brick Mansions has been sealed off from society due to uncontrollable crime and poverty. Villain and self-elected mayor of this criminal haven, rapper-cum-actor RZA, gets hold of a nuclear bomb, and Walker’s undercover detective is sent in to disarm the device with the help of ex-con, and resident, Belle. The opening minutes leave a lot to be desired, with the brutal, gritty action of the original replaced with cheesy dialogue, slow-motion explosions, and a particularly painful performance from Gouchy Boy (yes, that’s his name) as villain K2. Enter Paul Walker. Now I was determined to not go into this film and heap unjustified praise onto Walker following his tragic death, but believe me when I say he is everything that is good about this film. Walker’s cool, collected swagger embarrasses the hoard of villainous ‘gangsters’ who look as though they belong in a decade old 50 Cent crowd; the stereotypical villains are dated and relatively offensive. Walker’s presence eliminates all the early threat of cheese; his gritty, no-nonsense approach contrasts nicely with Belle’s often poetic parkour, making the duo easy to watch. Crucially, however, the parkour element that made the original a success just does not feature enough. Aloe Blacc’s ‘The Man’ brilliantly accompanies Walker’s final scenes, and they shamelessly bring a tear to the eye. In this case, as with so many others, he most certainly was ‘the man’. Rest in peace. More like this: District B13 (2004) Shaun Forster
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n Nicholas Stoller’s Bad Neighbours Zac Efron and Seth Rogan pursue an insane battle to chase the other out of the neighbourhood. Mac (Seth Rogan) and Kelly Radner (Rose Byrne) are new parents and just moved to the suburbs. They are fighting becoming the ‘old couple’, trying to prove they can still party. Yet when a fraternity moves in next door they try to hide their panic and actually rehearse asking them to just keep the noise down a little. After partying an entire night with the fraternity, as the students realise they need ‘to keep things cool’, all seems well between the new neighbours. The next night however a noise complaint from the Radners sends Teddy (Zac Efron), leader of Delta Psi, over the edge and starts a full-on war. The film uses all stereotypes of old, young and fraternities. It’s all about alcohol, drugs and sex for the students. Logically, there is plenty of swearing, crudity and nudity. And Zac Efron, mainly topless and topless and topless again. The film has a fair amount of stars and cameos but the best will have to be Lisa Kudrow, as dean of the university. There even is a voice of reason in the film, played by Dave Franco, Teddy’s best friend Pete points out that there are more important things in life than fraternities, sex and parties – although in the end almost taking back all those remarks. The film profits immensely from the great chemistry between Efron, Rogan and Byrne. At times it appears they followed instinct rather than script. If the film wasn’t always quite so over the top, it would make a solid comedy. But in this case, it’s fun while watching it but afterwards you don’t give it a second thought.
veryone loves a good B-Movie. A scrumptious spread of critical acclaim can help middling actors, burgeoning directors, and promising screen-writers escape mediocrity and find themselves dreaming of a Hollywood gold star. . Dwight (Macon Blair) is out for revenge. The man who murdered his parents has just been released from prison and poor Dwight is a little peed off about it. He decides to abandon his miserable existence and take his due revenge (once he’s found a gun). The trailer makes Blue Ruin out to be a hardhitting, cap-popping revenge thriller, but it sort-of isn’t. Sure, there’s a few appetizing morsels of action but nothing to make you yell ‘Hallelujah!!’ and give Tarantino a call. Admittedly, Blue Ruin deserves more of a slap on the wrist than a stinging bottom. It does well to avoid being a cliché-fest but it doesn’t add anything pioneering to the genre, and subsequently ends up falling into a bit of a sulk with itself. There’s not that much to like to be fair, it runs out of good ideas pretty quickly and might be the kind of film you’d make with a fake gun and that guy your mate knows who’s alright at acting. If your reading this and planning on seeing Blue Ruin then here’s a bit of positivity: you’re not likely to face that awful situation when someone says ‘I found this film in the bargain bin, wanna watch?’. Nope. This may well be the immature, undeveloped, younger brother of a better revenge thriller, but sadly that fails to rescue Blue Ruin from gloomy mediocrity. Worth a watch if for some reason you’re not really bothered about Christmas, or prefer to watch Missing Persons Weekly rather than Spongebob Squarepants. Zzz.
More like this: Old School (2003)
More like this: Things to Do in Denver (1995) Tanya Nies
David Naylor
This includes relative newbies John Boyega and Daisy Ridley, as well as Adam Driver from HBO series Girls, Oscar Isaac, Domhnall Gleeson and Max von Sydow. Also joining the cast will be Andy Serkis, best known as Gollum and King Kong, perhaps suggesting a CGI alien role is in the works?
Disney
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Although the original announcements in 2012 that Walt Disney has acquired control of Lucasfilm were met with groans of despair, public opinion has turned since then. This can be attributed to the success of Disney’s other movie franchise behemoth, Marvel Entertainment, proving that Disney has what it takes regarding fan appeasement.
1 Brand new material Across the globe there was a communal sigh of relief as fans learned that the new trilogy would have nothing to do with the widely slated prequel trilogy. Many will also be relieved that George Lucas has been side lined after he was responsible for many of the creative decisions such as the creation of Jar-Jar Binks. Alexander Montgomery
26.tvhighlights
Monday 12 May 2014
The Courier
TV Editor: Beth Durant Deputy TV Editor: Helen Daly
TVintage
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urely the jewel in Fox Kids’ early-’00s crown, it’s safe to say that Jackie Chan and his eponymous adventures captured the hearts and minds of hundreds, if not thousands, of children the world over. While animation might not seem like the obvious medium for an actor renowned for his stunt work to transition to television, but Chan and his team made it work with fast-paced action, memorable characters, and a story that could best be described as ‘existing’. Adventures found Jackie and the Chan Clan embarking on a series of international maguffin quest which never let up, apart from that one season where it totally let up and absolutely nothing happened. You know the one.
One more thing: Jackie Chan Adventures succeeded in part because of the simplicity of its story. Jackie, his bratty niece Jade, and his mad old uncle Uncle had to stop the villainous Dark Hand organisation from getting their hands on a bunch of ancient talismans. Every week they’d drop into an exotic location, knock seven shades of shite out of the three poor bastards the Dark Hand kept sending their way, and pick up a talisman. It was really easy to follow, and it was always exciting to see what talisman would pop up next, and what powers it would have. Would it be the pig, with its laser eyes, or the ox, with its super strength? No, it’s the tiger, with the power of ‘spiritual balance’. Better luck next time Jackie.
Hannibal
ver since I watched the entirety of its first season, I was convinced that other than being a very beautiful, tastefully crafted (pun very much intended) show, Hannibal was also very strong, plot-wise. Previously, I’ve done nothing but wax poetical about why I think Fuller is one of the strongest showrunners in modern-day television, so I won’t do it again. This is about Hannibal and why the second season is already living up fully to the high standards set by season one. Even I didn’t think it could do that, but I’m very happy to be proven wrong. The dynamic between Will and Hannibal is very different to that of the first season. It’s as if their roles have been reversed – the broken-minded criminal profiler Will Graham is now back in the game, all guns blazing, fully convinced that his therapist Hannibal is the one to blame for all the
horrors he has been through. He is doing his best to prove to everyone that Hannibal is guilty of the crimes he himself is accused of, Hannibal, on his side, valiantly and eloquently fights to hide his true nature of a deranged psychopath. While it might sound mediocre, the second season’s plot works very well, especially after we’ve seen the relationship between the two characters in the first season. To this day, I am convinced that no other show provides such a thorough and good examination of the real nature of evil. For all the love stories and romantic subplots, at its core, Hannibal remains a horror show, saturated with deeply disturbing images. Particularly terrifying are some of the realizations the characters make as of the nature of some of the crimes committed. The “case of the week” structure works just as well as it did last season. Even if sometimes it abandons logic for the sake of increasing the horror, Hannibal does it so subtly that it’s not at all bad. Of course, while it keeps the sense of reality – the way Hannibal emotionally manipulates those around him into seeing and believing in the human suit he’s crafted for himself – the show does a good job in convincing us
that Hannibal is some sort of demon whose only purpose is to bring chaos. So in this way, Will Graham’s game is truly dangerous – he’s trying to convince everyone who has ever worked with Hannibal that they have aided a deranged murderer in his terrifying crimes, not only by not recognizing him for what he is, but accusing everyone that they have been an accomplice by attending his dinner parties and consuming what was undoubtedly human flesh. As I mentioned, Hannibal has always been, first and foremost, a beautiful show with its images of raw terror modelled like works of art. Supporting performances such as Fishburne’s Jack Crawford and Dhavernas’ Alana Bloom (who plays a particularly important part in this season) shine much brighter in season 2 than they did before. Mikkelsen and Dancy deliver, as was expected, awardwinning performances. As much as one tries, one subsequently fails to find something to dislike in Hannibal. It treads the line between ‘pretentious’ and ‘classy’, of course, but it does it with style. It seems intent on becoming the best show on TV. Antonia Velikova
30 Rock
Orphan Black
Quirke
Sky Living, Saturday, 9pm
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“Every week they’d drop into
an exotic location, knock seven shades of shite out of the three poor bastards the Dark Hand kept sending their way, and pick up a talisman” One moorre thing: in case you haven’t realised, each talisman was named after an animal of the Chinese zodiac, and to this day anyone of a certain age will refer to episodes of Jackie Chan when asked to name them all. Later seasons weren’t quite so educational, but they were badass; after the aforementioned prolonged stretch of bugger all came a story arc in which the Chans had to tackle the eight Demon Sorcerers. Yes, this once again found them jet-setting off to exotic locales in search of maguffins, but when the Demon of the week finally appeared they were without exception a triumph of awesome design work. The season even culminated with a two-parter which saw the Demons straight up conquer the world and enslave humanity, which was surprisingly bleak to say the least. One mooorrre thing: of course, Jackie Chan Adventures would be nothing without Uncle, one of the finest comedy creations of the decade. The beauty of Uncle is that he basically walks around being a total dick to his family and throwing around dodgy sounding ‘ancient Chinese proverbs’ to excuse his outrageous behaviour. He’s also a font of memorable quotes and catchphrases, from his ubiquitous chi spell ‘yu mo gui gwai fai di zao’ to his indignant ‘aiiee-yaaaahh!’ to his ingenious ‘you want dead Uncle? No? Then you make coffee!’ Uncle was the ancient, barely beating heart at Jackie Chan Adventures’ core. Sam Summers
Comedy Central, Wednesday, 11pm
3
0 Rock ran from October 2006 to January 2013, and it was spectacular. I feel vaguely evangelical about Tina Fey and all of her endeavours, and yet this surreal, satirical comedy set in an NBC television studio in New York holds a special place in my heart, and I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in that. Fey plays a head writer at TV studio managing a team of eccentric writers and even more bizarre stars, wrestling with corporate involvement in the form of Alec Baldwin to produce a Friday night live sketch show. Drawing heavily on Fey’s experience working and performing on Saturday Night Live, this hilarious and increasingly strange show transformed before the public’s eyes, slowly giving up the ghost on mainstream comedy and slipping into the strange lands of surreal, cult comic appeal. For a sitcom to eschew conventional plotlines, or even slightly sane characters, is a bold and tricky path to navigate, but several interlocking factors lent this zany slice of television authority. The writing, courtesy of a team including Fey, Robert Carlock, Jack Burditt, Matt Hubbard and Kay Cannon (all of whom I imagine would be exactly the right people to get drunk with), is sharp, witty and affectionate, drawing a series of frankly horrible characters out of their shells to create some brilliant moments. From the sweetly Southern page boy Kenneth, with his homely farm-boy naivety, to the incredible, incredulous star Tracy Jordan, with his genuine good nature under a whirlwind of divaesque hedonism, the characters of 30 Rock are what make it what it is; a fun, light-hearted and easy going half-hour of good old fashioned escapism. Leila Nashef
BBC Three, Wednesday, 10pm
W
ednesday nights see the return of the weirdly wonderful sci-fi series Orphan Black, with season 2 frenetically picking up right where season 1 left off. Of course, that means that whilst many questions have been answered, many more threads of the story are opened up. At the simplest level, Orphan Black is the story of Sarah Manning, a British con-artist who discovers that she is one of a series of clones. This creates a whole series of problems for Manning, and as she tries to uncover the mystery of her existence alongside some fellow clones, she has to contend with people trying to kill her, and those who created her trying to maintain control. This isn’t the easiest show to get to grips with, and if you haven’t seen the first series, I would recommend watching it just to stay on top of things. But the show’s creators and writers definitely weave all the pieces of the tale together extremely well, creating a show that is complicated but deliciously watchful, with the fast pace and overarching mysteries being powerful enough to keep you in suspense and wishing for more. The standout component of the drama is Tatiana Maslany. I would imagine it is both a daunting and exciting prospect for any actress to play multiple characters, but Maslany is so great at her portrayal of each clone that it makes me feel like she was born for this role, and she should definitely be sweeping up more of the international awards. Series two of Orphan Black has already got off to a very fine start, and now I just want more people to realise the show’s brilliance. Christopher Addison
BBC One, Wednesday, 10:15pm Quirke is a British-Irish detective drama simulcast on BBC One and Irelands RTÉ One. It is based upon the books by John Banville and stars Quirke, played by Gabriel Byrne, as the chief pathologist in a Dublin Morgue. It also stars Nick Dunning, Stanley Townsend, Micheal Gambon, Geraldine Somerville and Colin Morgan. Despite its star cast and successful base books, the show falls somewhat short of expectations. While still coherent enough to enjoy, the show seems to have lost some of the enjoyment present in the books. This isn’t to say it is particularly the writing, the direction or the cast in play, but something is definitely not quite right. Perhaps it is the overegging of the music, or a slight oddness of speech, but the noir feel is surely overplayed here, making the show feel a little thick and hard to follow. However, each of the cast, both main and supporting have done their jobs to a T, Gabriel Byrne is just as good at the smoulder as he was at 33 in Defence of the Realm, and makes a decent lead as Quirke. Micheal Gambon and Colin Morgan are perfect as usual, playing Judge Griffin and Jimmy Minor respectively. A surprise face with a brilliant performance was Geraldine Somerville, better known as Lily Potter in the Harry Potter films, playing Sarah Griffin. Despite getting somewhat clogged up in the intricacies of the detective noir genre, the show comes out okay, and while not entirely blowing everyone away, it seems to have met mainly positive reviews. I will indeed be watching if another series is commissioned Sophie Baines
The Courier
Monday 12 May 2014
Toon Emmy time
Mo awa re onl rds ine!
We, all of the Toon Army, sacked off Pardew’s rubbish football and looked back on an amazing season of TV to choose our favourites
Best American Show: Almost Human Almost Human is an American sci-fi, set in year 2048, and as the voiceover lady tells us every week: “Dangerous advancements have forever altered the criminal landscape. Law enforcement combats this corruption with a new line of defence.” This new defence is a fleet of android police officers, and every human cop must have an android partner. Karl Urban and Micheal Ealy star, as human Kennex and android Dorian respectively, in this brilliantly full-of-potential detective show. A perfect example of science fiction on television, with a decent script, brilliant effects and the best cast humanly possible. Sophie Baines
Best British Show: Sherlock
Im ag e:
Ste ve Ju rv est on
“Why Sherlock?” I hear many outraged voices rising. “It’s surely not the best?” There’s a very simple answer to that question: three seasons, four years, nine episodes, and people wouldn’t stop talking about it. It has shot its two male leads, Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman, into Hollywood fame, and yet they still come back and do it, even if it’s three episodes every two years. Yes, it is the amazing performances, the clever nostalgic retellings of the classic stories, and the insanely clever cinematography. But it’s also because everyone likes detective stories. And detectives. Brainy definitely is the new sexy. Antonia Velikova
Best Actor: Chris Lilley You know the character you’re playing has certainly made their mark when their favourite word has entered the cultural lexicon. I am, of course referring to Chris Lilley and his portrayal
of the bitchy and super “quiche” private school girl, Ja’mie King. The most compelling aspect of Lilley’s performance is that we are so convinced that he is the eponymous private school and we suspend our disbelief that a teenage girl can be played so accurately by a man approaching 40. With Summer Heights High character Jonah also being revived, let’s all hope that we will be soon seeing the all singing, all dancing Mr G renaissance some time soon! Jamie Shepherd
Best Actress: Tatiana Maslany Tatiana Maslany has recently popped up playing multiple clones on Orphan Black to critical acclaim. Some actors struggle to express certain emotions but you never see this with Maslany and there is never a moment that you don’t wholeheartedly believe in her performance. Not only this, but so far in season two, she has been playing at least five characters each episode. Such is her talent you forget these women are played by the same person as each is so individual, with an entirely different accent, way of moving and gestures, making it completely mesmerising to watch. Tria Lawrence
Best Reality Show Moment: Made In Chelsea In a culture dominated by scripted reality, the competition for this prestigious award was fierce. And coincidentally, it is the ferocity of a certain Miss (or should it be Lady?) Baker-Harber that gave Made In Chelsea the edge. Her desperately ineloquent and UN-ladylike outburst was just so strange and even made me feel a bit sorry for the consistently whiney Cheska, the ‘fucking big fat fucking turkey’. I still laughed though. This dinner party was made infinitely better by the very odd Sam Thompson making a trumpet appear out of nowhere and playing a little tune to ease the atmosphere. WTF? Ellie McClaren
Best Soap: Coronation Street While the Lucy Beale murder may be the strongest story at the minute, it’s fair to say that Eastenders has been, to put it mildly, a load of bollocks the rest of the year. That leaves Coronation Street to take the crown. With its mix of funny and serious stories, Corrie has always struck the right balance. Of course, the crowning moment was lovely Hayley Cropper’s battle with pancreatic cancer. Who didn’t shed a tear when she decided to take her own life and leave poor Roy behind? Brilliantly Street. done, Coronation Street Chloe Carroll
Outstanding Contribution: Doctor Who 2013 marked the 50th anniversary of Doctor Who, and what an occasion it was. The build up for the episode lasted months and it’s safe to say that Whovians around the world could barely contain their excitement for the momentous episode on the 23rd November. The occasion demanded not one, not two, but three actors all playing the famous Time Lord; he return of David Tennant almost broke Twitter upon its announcement. For me, Doctor Who was the only winner of this award; the longevity of this landmark show should be applauded. Here’s to the next fifty years; I know they’re all going to be fantastic. Helen Daly
Best Show for Procrastination: On the Buses I am about to become pretty old school here- but, if you have not seen every episode of On The Buses, you have NOT lived. Boldly, British banter on a bus- what more could you possibly need? Episodes last 30 minutes, with occasionally crude but, always conventional humour. What more could you want then an endless supply of comments such as, “Well if throat’s on fire and your toes are frozen, shove your feet in your mouth”, and “If your boots were any longer you could have tucked your drawers in ‘em.” Procrastination a la Youtube and old school. Charlotte Maxwell
Best Show for Revision: Man About the House Another old school contribution, but after a few runs of the series, you know the show word for word- you’re possibly thinking what is she talking about but Man About the House is the way, when revising. You don’t need to see what’s happening to know what’s happening- the humour speaks for itself loud and clear and can push you though any assignment. With Robin, Chrissie and Jo there’s a little eye candy for everyone too- maybe a little too much in Robin’s case, as the series goes on. Hence, play in the background and work away with a constant stream of audible humour. Another Youtube venture, guys! Charlotte Maxwell
featurestv.27
thecourieronline.co.uk/tv c2.tv@ncl.ac.uk | @courier_tv
Lizzy’s Life Lessons
BADvertisement The final lesson
I
n the 1920s, television was born. It wasn’t until the 1950s that a giant box of moving images became a prominent feature in the family home. Until then, people ventured outdoors and looked at flowers and shit; maybe they even had conversations with each other. God only knows what all their furniture was pointed at. But for all that that’s true and I’m a sarcastic bitch, the invention of television has actually been a beautiful revelation for all of humankind. Well, for those of us rich enough to afford them, I guess. It’s allowed us to effectively ignore each other and become obsessively involved in the lives of more interesting people like Daenerys Targaryen, Walter White and, er, Joey Essex? Mostly (aside from anything involving Joey Essex, obviously) the invention of television has been a purely educational experience for me. They’ve not been easy lessons, but I’ve learnt them. And now it’s time to inflict them upon you.
First Lesson
Love dies, and so will all your dreams. X Factor, America’s Next Top Model, even The bloody Chase – all reliant on dashing the hopes of common folk. And as for the love bit, well, just watch a recent episode of Made in Chelsea. If there’s no hope for Alex and Binky, guys, there’s no hope for the rest of us, either.
Second Lesson
People are curious. We’re interested in the world and the lives of others. That’s why we have the news, nature documentaries and Kim Kardashian.
Third Lesson
Screw that. What we’re really interested in is sex. That’s why we have nature documentaries and Kim Kardashian. We’ve all tuned into Big Brother secretly hoping to catch two people with horrendous personalities fumbling under the duvet. Don’t even try to deny it.
Fourth Lesson
People change. Frequently. And there’s nothing you can do about it. You can spend seasons and seasons watching your favourite characters remain virtually the same, until a shake-up in the writer’s room suddenly brings on a personality overhaul. It’s crushing and brutal to watch the people you love become someone else, in real life and on TV. Watching The OC’s Marissa Cooper spiral from Barbie Girl to Bad Gal to Dead Gal in just a few episodes was, quite frankly, something I’ll never really get over.
Fifth Lesson
In contrast with the hundreds of problems television characters suffer on a constant rotation and the real-life problems faced by the subjects of invasive news segments and embarrassingly self-serving episodes of Jeremy Kyle, I don’t actually have any real problems. Admittedly, television characters do seem to recover from a loved one’s death rather quickly, but still.
Moral Of The Story
Life is hard, sad things happen everywhere to everyone and then even when your problems are put into perspective, you still eventually die. Not just on television, either. That’s why we created entertainment. It’s a distraction. And for me, at least, watching intoxicated Geordies rolling around in their own sick on nightclub floors and out-of-date celebrities choking trying to eat kangaroo testicles is a really effective distraction.
28.music
Monday 12 May 2014
The Courier
Music Editors: Kate Bennett and Ian Mason
RAGE
against the
ROUTINE
Sigh no more? Yawn forevermore, more like. Kate Bennett on Mumford and Sons
I
find listening to Mumford and Sons about stimulating as watching a hedgehog bumble very, very slowly across a country lane - and I live on a farm, so I have watched many a hedgehog bumble very, very slowly across a country lane. I can confirm that it is not the world’s most diverting pastime. Also, hedgehogs have the small but not insignificant advantage of being abloody-dorable, which actually puts them ahead of Marcus Mumford and his beardy chums in the Things That Kate Bennett Finds Interesting stakes. Hedgehogs 1 – 0 Mumford and Sons. But let’s put an end to this hedgehog tangent and get back to Mumfords and their boring-ass records. It’s all just gently euphoric, drippily mournful, dragging sentimental mush: David Gray with banjos, if you will. They’re basically The Great British Bake Off in band form, only without the cake, which instantly makes them far, far less interesting to me than The Great British Bake Off. Paul Hollywood’s got more sass than Marcus Mumford. If Mary Berry popped up on stage during an Mumfords encore in her legendary floral bomber jacket to rattle some maracas about, no one would bat an eyelid.
Turn Blue The Black Keys F
ollowing the success of 2011’s Grammy Award winning El Camino, in 2013 lead singer-guitarist Dan Auerbach joined his fellow band member Pat Carney in the 33-yearold divorcee club. It is evident that the positive professional achievements and painful personal experiences of the two since their last release has resulted in the conception of album number eight – Turn Blue, their most soulful, sophisticated compilation to date. Recorded in Los Angeles alongside co-producer Brian Burton aka Danger Mouse, the duo return to the table with an album that weaves melancholic themes of divorce and breakup into 46 minutes of soul-drenched rock.
“Turn Blue weaves melancholic themes of divorce and breakup into 46 minutes of soul-drenched rock”
Opener ‘Weight of Love’ begins with a desertsunset acoustic guitar which crescendos into one of Auerbach’s killer blues solos – a reassuring signal that The Black Keys are definitely back. ‘In Time’ nods to their Brothers era, with droning guitar and sharp, staccato piano throughout. ‘60s soul vibes seem to circulate throughout the core of the album, epitomized in ‘Year in Review’, a jolting track with no holds barred on the its of gospel-style harmonies on the chorus. Lead single ‘Fever’ channels similar vibes. Auerbach’s trademark falsetto hovering over a memorable synth lead. The title track, meanwhile, has a resonant sultry vibe with chorus line ‘I really do hope you know, there could be hell below’ floating on subtle guitar chording. ‘I let you use my gifts/To back those lying lips’
“Paul Hollywood from Bake Off has more sass than Marcus Mumford”
I hold Mumfords partly-to-wholly responsible for the increasing beigeification of charting indie music. The only ‘indie rock’ (yeah, yeah, I hate that phrase too) that makes it beyond the pages of DIY and The Fly (RIP) these days is just a variation of Mumford and Sons and their clap-along homespun bullshit. The inexplicable popularity of Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes? You can blame Mumford and Sons. The Lumineers? Mumfords’ fault again. Of Monsters and Men? Yep, Mumfords. Come on, guys, plug yer guitars in. You can also blame Mumford and Sons and their towering popularity for the current deluge of teeth-grindingly annoying adverts that utilize sickening cutesy-folksy soundtracks to make their brands seem less like faceless, soulless monoliths of global consumerism. When brands as diverse as Match.com and Helman’s mayonnaise are sticking ukuleles on their ads, you know you’ve started something pretty fucking diabolical. I’ve had an inbuilt aversion to anything twee since approximately birth – show me a Belle and Sebastian album and I’ll show you a girl who’d much, much rather be listening to The Jesus and Mary Chain - so having twee-folk bounced off my eardrums in ad breaks when all I want to do is watch an overlyhysterical ITV crime drama is almost enough to make me consider emigrating. In summary, Mumford and Sons can take their tweed waistcoats and their tambourines and their gimmicky faux-folk and piss off back to West London. NB: please stop dressing like a small child’s idea of what us simple country-dwelling folk look like. Tweed is actually incredibly impractical for farm work; we all moved onto Gore-Tex ages ago. It’s waterproof and breathable, you know.
shows Auerbach’s parting rage coming to the surface in ‘Bullet in The Brain’, in which the duo’s signature acoustic-guitar-intro-to-bass-drownedverse style comes back in to play. Carney tackles the opening to ‘It’s Up To You Now’ with a thundering rolling drum sequence, shortly accompanied by a heavily distorted bass, creating the most experimental track on the album due to its odd shifts in rhythm. ‘10 Lovers’ could quite easily have been found on Arctic Monkeys’ AM - leading with a funky bass, followed by an organ melody line, the track contains some of Dan’s smoothest vocals and a chorus perfect for a sing-a-long sunset slot on the Pyramid Stage. ‘Gotta Get Away’ ties up the album with a carefree Nashville stomp containing the catchiest chorus line of the album - ‘I went from San Berdoo to Kalamazoo/Just to get away from you’. There aren’t many bands that can constantly smash out albums as coherent and solid as The Black Keys, with Turn Blue being no exception. Combining a range of song styles and rhythms into an album that can only be appreciated as a complete piece is what the band specialise in, and there’s nothing I value more than an album that can float by in what feels like seconds due to the seamless construction. I cannot wait to see how Turn Blue is consolidated into their already infamous live shows this summer, which I’m sure will leave no fan disappointed.
If you like this, try ... Arctic Monkeys A.M.
W
Recommended download: ‘10 Lovers’ Tom Ardron
hen he isn’t making his campaign for Bellend of the Year, Alex Turner (and friends) actually churn out some pretty good tunes. AM, packed with swaggering, bluesy tracks such as ‘R U Mine’ and ‘Do I Wanna Know?’, was voted this paper’s album of 2013.
Galore
Glorious
Sheezus
Thumpers
Foxes
Lily Allen
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T
H
Recommended download: ‘Youth’
Recommended download: ‘Unkinder (A Tougher Love)’
Recommended download: ‘Air Balloon’
ouisa ‘Foxes’ Allen has carved a neat line in playing the naïf, constantly looking wistfully into the middle distance and looking a bit miffed. She might well look miffed, given how badly her front-loaded debut tails off halfway through. Even though rereleasing a single is like repeating a joke you’ve just made in a slightly louder voice, despite the fact nobody laughed at it first time around, ‘Youth’ remains a corker: borrowing Florence’s tribal drums while she’s faffing about doing nothing in particular, it lays a glassy synthscape on top and lets the whole thing gallop giddily around to its heart’s content. Equally strong is ‘White Coats’, which trims off the fatty production excesses prevalent elsewhere on the album, and ‘Let Go For Tonight’ does a good job of channelling the windswept anthemics of ‘Holding On For A Hero’. Nonetheless, long-time watchers of Foxes will be puzzled by the absence of ‘Beauty Queen’ and ‘The Unknown’, two big tunes which had formed the basis of the buzz around Foxes in the first instance, and which had pitched her toward the electro end of the pop spectrum. Even more puzzlingly, they’re still stronger than much of the material here, which appears to be content to lean heavily on Bastille’s formula of teaming big oh-oh-oh bits with clanging, doomy piano chords and opportunities for the lead singer to bang a tom-tom while standing up. Glorious is promising but gets bogged down in its own portentousness, all too often pummelling Allen’s smoky, fluty voice under layers of percussion and gloom rather than letting it fly supported by the icy synths it so clearly yearns to sit among.
Tom Nicholson
he debut album from London indie-pop duo Thumpers finally gets a release in the UK, three months after it dropped in the US. In many ways, a May release for Galore makes far more sense than one buried in the depths of winter. Over the course of the record’s eleven tracks, Marcus Pepperell and John Hamson, Jr. conjure the kind of relentlessly upbeat, airy pop racket that’s tailor-made for backyard barbecues when the sun’s out - undemanding to listen to, bursting at the seams with impossibly perky energy, and as puppyishly excitable as a birthday party of kids who’ve been at the pre-reformulation blue Smarties and then locked in a small room. If kaleidoscopes made a noise, it’d probably sound quite a lot like this. Self-restraint and minimalism have no place here, Thumpers instead choosing to chuck everything they have at your eardrums. Lead single ‘Unkinder (A Tougher Love)’ sees Pepperell’s breathless, shout-along lyrics race against woozily drunken synths, pummeling drums and Afrobeat-tinged indie-pop guitars that hark back to early Bombay Bicycle Club or Vampire Weekend; the title track sets dreamy falsetto vocals over shimmering bell chimes, anchored again by thunderous drumming. Even the more subdued tracks on the album, such as ‘Together Now’, are only ‘breathers’ in the sense that slowing down from a sprint to a speedy jog is a ‘breather’: it’s all pretty full-on. The angsty Joy Division fans among us will want to hate Galore and all its insufferable cheerfulness, but ultimately, resistance to an album this earnest and colourful is futile for anybody with a pulse.
Kate Bennett
aving seen and heard Kanye West’s Yeezus, Britain’s pop darling Lily Allen decides to go one better with Sheezus. Pisstake or not, Allen has made her bed, and now she must lie in it. Sheezus, fairly surprisingly, has a very crunky feel about it. The album’s title track is a good example of this: a winding and grinding Allen, having gone after Rihanna, Katy Perry, Beyoncé, Lorde and Lady Gaga, tells her disciples to “give me that crown, bitch, I want to be Sheezus”. Like the Almighty himself, Allen is born again with a brand new sound. Alright, she’s missed Easter by a few weeks, but let’s not let that ruin a good metaphor. Unfortunately, this reborn Lily Allen seems to have left behind the fun pop sound of the tunes that propelled her to stardom in the first place, such as ‘The Fear’ and ‘LDN’. Tracks like feminist lead single ‘Hard Out Here’, though, show that she’s still one of the last remaining bastions of social commentary in music that we have left in the charts these days - folk music is less Bob Dylan protest song and more Mumford & Sons sentimentality, and punk rock doesn’t even get a look in. There are also nice little throwbacks to her early work such as ‘Air Balloon’, a sweetly strange lullaby that shows off the lovely voice hidden behind Allen’s Mockney tones. There’s also, of course, the staggeringly popular John Lewis-ad cover of Keane’s ‘Somewhere Only We Know’, again demonstrating that Allen doesn’t necessarily have to ponce about making big statements and causing controversy to grab listeners’ attention - strip all that away, and her voice can do that all on its own.
Josh Nicholson
The Courier
music.29
Monday 12 May 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/music c2.music@ncl.ac.uk | @courier_music
CULT
SceNE: Venue Each week we take a closer look at a different spot in Newcastle’s music scene. This week: The Cumberland Arms
CLASSICS
U
nder the shadow of the iconic Byker Wall lies one of Newcastle’s most intimate gig venues and cosiest of boozers. The Cumberland Arms is one of a smattering of “proper pubs” that make up the effortlessly trendy Ouseburn Valley region of Newcastle, and it offers a diverse program of musical events throughout the year. Recently hosting the likes of Geordie Krautrock Renaissance-men Warm Digits, and a key venue in the annual loving South by Southwest rip-off Evolution Emerging, the Cumberland Arms offers a gig venue without pretension or airs and graces. From the outside, the venue appears to be incapable of concealing any space for live events, but the Tardis-like Cumby deceives the naïve visitor with a surprisingly spacious venue space. While not only a more than capable space for live music and gigs, The Cumberland Arms also hosts fringe theatre events and the odd club night (for those that can prise themselves away from the city centre, the sassy and soulful Funky Butt is an absolute must). On Friday 30th May, improv legends The Suggesti-
bles return for their riotous, monthly night of pure, unadulterated, audience-dictated comedy, while spoken word and slam-poetry events are a regular fixture on the listings board. Gigs, club nights, and every other type of performance aside, the boozer offers a wide selection of craft ales to choose from - having won the CAMRA Regional Cider Pub of the Year on four consecutive occasions. Its food menu encompasses the best in classic British pub fayre (bangers and mash, scampi and chips done right), and it has a beer garden with some of the best views of the quayside that Newcastle can offer. Also worth a little regard is the often vulgar, sometimes philosophical collection of graffiti on the toilet walls. I hope you like jokes about poo...
Talking Heads
Directions: Walk - Follow New Bridge Street out of town and head towards Byker. Once you’ve crossed the Byker Bridge you’ll see a decrepit old building on your right. Head down the steps on the other side of it and The Cumberland Arms will be on the left. Buses - Take any of the buses numbered 12, 22, 39, 40, 62 & 63 and get off at the first stop on the other side of the Byker Bridge. Then head back towards town and go down the stairs on the left, just before you go back onto the Byker Bridge. Metro - get off at Byker and head back towards town. Go down the stairs on the left, just before you go back onto the Byker Bridge. Jamie Shepherd
Should we judge artists by their recordings or live performances? Christopher Addison and Lewis Ancrum debate
“A live setting places limitations on what the material can sound like”
Take, for example, Ellie Goulding. Goulding has cultivated both a strong musicianship in terms of record sales, and a loyal following for her live shows, as shown through her critically acclaimed performance recently at Coachella. But while Goulding might be positively critiqued for her live shows, her synth-heavy, electronic-based music can only translate live to a smaller degree than it does as recorded pieces, because the same production values cannot be created in a live setting. If Goulding wanted us to judge her music live, then surely the synths on hit songs like ‘Burn’ and ‘Goodness Gracious’ would have been replaced with more organic instruments? In essence this is the problem: a live setting places limitations on what the material can sound like and how the artist can perform, while the recording studio allows for vast amounts of time and energy to be put into songs so the music can be fully true to the artist. In the end I am not saying we should all shun live performances, but it is not right to judge an artist when their capabilities are limited. Christopher Addison
D
espite being ATDI’s third and final album, Relationship of Command the commercial success it brought the band proved short-lived, given their break-up barely a year later. Now looked upon as one of the most important albums in the history of hardcore music, many fans such as myself pray for a permanent reunion. The Texan five-piece sound nothing like the way many would expect a Texan hardcore band to sound. There’s fury, and yet there is compassion; there’s experimentalism and yet there is a clear melodic drive to back it up. The album was recorded after the band had returned from a tour with the legendary Rage Against The Machine, and the influence of aggressive nu-metal simmers in the background of an album; it’s difficult not to feel a growth of aggression within while listening to it.
“It’s amazing how few people interested in heavy music are aware of ATDI, given Relationship of Command was voted one of the most influential albums of the decade by Kerrang! and NME”
I
have been to a fair few concerts, and it is always fun to see some of your favourite artists live. But nobody can really judge a performer by their live work. A song starts life in the recording studio, and is fine tuned to the point where it becomes exactly what the artist wants. Then that artist unleashes their music to the world, with radio stations playing their material and millions downloading their work. All this is recorded material, not live. Surely, then, it is only by a performers recorded work that we should judge them, and nothing else.
Ian Mason looks back on At The Drive In’s Relationship of Command
N
owadays, wannabe musicians have tons of tools at their disposable to make their noise sound as audibly pleasing as possible. On numerous occasions I’ve seen bands that sound flawless on their studio albums completely botch a live show, whether that be through flat or out-of-tune vocals, drummers losing time, or just general cock ups. It is much easier to cover up a band’s deficiencies with the help of computers, and that is why I think rating a band on their live performance provides a better insight to how good a band are. It’s not just musically that bands can excel live, though. Music is a performance, and tons of perhaps mediocre bands have built massive followings on the back of their high-energy live performances. These can be elaborate live shows from musicians such as Alice Cooper or Dio, which have included giant
robotic dragons in the past, or deaths followed by miraculous resurrections on stage. There is nothing wrong with that, and my opinion of a band is often based on how good that performance can be.
“It should never get to the point where a band’s talent is determined by how good their studio software is”
Recently I saw the Pretty Reckless live and was tremendously disappointed, because despite them sounding almost identical to their studio album, their live performance was plain dull. Opinions and reputations are made or broken on live performances. Bands start the vast majority of the time creating a fanbase off their live performances in bars and clubs, and it should never get to the point where a band’s talent is determined by how good their studio software is. No amount of retakes or Auto tune will, for me at least, ever replace standing in a room and being completely blown away by a performance right in front of you. Lewis Ancrum
They broke out of Texas in 1994, as they and Glassjaw formed a new wave of American posthardcore, following in the footsteps of European acts such as Refused. Yet it’s amazing how few people interested in heavy music are aware of ATDI, given Relationship of Command was only released in 2000, and was voted one of the most influential albums of the decade by both Kerrang! and the NME. However, despite said critical acclaim, the band - in particular songwriter Omar Rodriguez - have openly criticised the final mixing of the album, insisting that in the breakthrough era of hardcore they only wished it had been more intense on the final press. The lead single on the album, ‘One Armed Scissor’, is the only track ATDI have ever charted with; given the aggressive nature of their music, though, its regular radio airplay in the early ‘00s and appearance on Billboard charts shows the impact the record made, especially for a band who were signed after a show attended by only nine people. The real energy in the album comes from the tracks ‘Invalid Litter Dept.’ and ‘Rolodex Propoganda’, the latter featuring guest vocals from the legendary Iggy Pop. ATDI did briefly reunite for several shows in 2012, including the Leeds and Reading festivals in England, but they have steadfastly refused to record any new material or undertake a tour, given Rodriguez and Bixler’s status in The Mars Volta. It’s a shame, but we can keep dreaming.
For more gig reviews and interviews, visit our website at: www.thecourieronline.co.uk
30.featurearts
Monday 12 May 2014
The Courier
Heaven is a halfpipe
Arts Editor Charlie Dearnley delves into Newcastle’s little-known skate culture: a community that rises to the surface of society as summer appears and the concrete dries
T
he summer is beginning to blossom and bloom around us: the leaves are unfurling, gently stirred into motion by a warm breeze, the Brits are braving shorts with fewer goose bumps, and a wasp that sneaked through my bedroom window was welcomed with a book to the face. But most importantly, the concrete is dry. The summer is a beautiful time of year, with whole afternoons gladly dedicated to tweaking tricks to perfection. The warmer weather also results in less pain, or swifter blood flow at least, and that winter long puddle in the middle of the half pipe has finally re-joined the grey skies that irksomely spat it out. Though despite this warm weather, if you head down to Exhibition Park, the one behind the Ridley Building, you are still guaranteed to see people standing or squatting wearing beanies and black skinny jeans, wiping away beads of sweat that drip down from sodden squashed hair. Occasionally I lust after the 90’s skate scene, rife with jeans baggy enough to hide kneepads in their depths. There is nowhere for pain prevention to hide in today’s standard skate attire, so instead you just have to hide the pain through contorted squints. Normally, people at the skate park are incredibly helpful and friendly when others fall, as long as the fall is justified and the individual didn’t just trip over their own feet or collide with a flock of scooters. Though some young individuals occasionally feel the need to shout abuse at the poor person on the floor, clutching his knee and breathing through his teeth. A ten-year-old child once shouted “faggot” at me whilst I lay in shock on the cold concrete, though he was swiftly and rudely quieted by
“Skate parks are owned by their users, and dominated by those able enough to command every ramp and rail in impressive acts of self-expression.”
others around me. As someone that enjoys inline skating, you quickly become accustomed to shouts of homophobic-fueled slander, and the term ‘fruit booter’ is an all too often occurrence. Though laughing it off is often the best and only response, especially when addressing a gang of loitering youths who are there not to skate, but merely to smoke away from the prying eyes of adults. Skate parks do unequivocally accommodate anti-social behaviour. They are almost always male dominated areas, though they breed a unique form of masculinity. In a positive sense, skaters often seek and revel in independent personal freedom, whilst imbedded in an anti-authority community. Skate parks are owned by their users, and dominated by those able enough to command every ramp and rail in impressive acts of self-expression. Though this adolescent ownership is sadly occasionally abused and skate parks can become sites of unpleasant behaviour, which goes completely against the chilled out attitude ingrained in skate culture. On one brief visit to the park late at night I found myself in a situation whereby an intoxicated individual was asking me for drugs whilst threatening my friend with a biro. His plan was obviously flawed and neither his speech nor his gaze was clear enough for him to pose any real threat. Still, it was an uncomfortable confrontation and luckily his mood swiftly changed and he shouted “God bless” as he faded into the dark shadows of Exhibition Park to continue his substance fueled hunt. This was admittedly a one off event, and is completely out of the ordinary regarding usual behaviour at the park, and had he arrived during the day he would have been told to piss off by the community of skaters and BMX riders who call the park home.
The skate park is a community. It is a feeling of belonging and camaraderie, or at least that is how I have viewed it recently, though this is certainly not always the case. There is an evident divide between the wheeled objects of choice that people commit themselves to. To put it simply and shortly: BMX riders have the biggest toy and are often brash in their approach to park etiquette (i.e. waiting your turn for the half pipe), skateboarders are chilled out and friendly though occasionally more cool than the Fonze eating a cucumber sandwich, and bladers are easy going and happy to talk to anyone who’ll accept them. All of these sub-groups have older generations, people to tell the younger kids when they’re being annoying or getting in the way, and this is something that scooters have yet to acquire. They travel in flocks, with a pack mentality,
“When I first arrived at Newcastle I was not welcomed to the park. That’s not to say that I was shunned, but no one came and shook my hand with a bouquet of flowers” roaming the park and snaking everyone they meet. Tensions are low at the moment, or they have been from what I’ve seen, contrary to my time skating as a youth when gang fights in skate parks were a common occurrence. On one occasion a group of bladers chased all of the skateboarders out of the park, threatening them and shouting abuse, an event that couldn’t happen now given that I’m usually the only person at the skate park on blades. There seems to be far more unity now, and luckily so, as my wheel booted isolation is eased by trying to talk to anyone who’ll listen. The skate park is a community, though a community built on respect dependant upon personal achievement. When I first arrived at Newcastle I was not welcomed to the park. That’s not to say that I was shunned, but no one came and shook my hand and greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. It took a few months for people to start realizing that I was passionate about the sport, and as my skill level grew more people began talking to me. Exhibition Park has transformed from an alien area inhabited by a community I wasn’t a part of, to a second home, though the token question of “can you do a back flip” still takes seconds to float through the air upon arrival. Skate parks aren’t overbearingly friendly, especially to outsiders, and this has earned them a bad reputation with anyone who doesn’t use them. I was once in skate shop when I overheard a mother informing her son that the people at the skate park would scare him, and that he was safer in the street on his rollerblades. It was all I could do to keep quiet and walk swiftly away as I fought the urge to quietly drop the topic of traffic into the mix. The thing that scares many parents are some of the cultural associa-
tions with skate parks, one being drugs. Marijuana was, is and will always be a prominent feature of skate culture. On a sunny day at exhibition park
“Self ownership of skate parks is vital for those who use them, and they become a space of escape, but councils need to take responsibility regarding their upkeep” the sickly sweet perfume of weed commonly drifts over the ramps. It is ingrained into the culture. Despite its presence it is not something that is encouraged between generations, and the younger children are generally told to stay away from it. I asked one individual who goes by the name of Kettle why he thinks marijuana is so prominent in skate culture and he commented: “Skaters have always smoked the stuff, it comes with the care free lifestyle”. He added that: “Unfortunately, recently it has gotten a bit out of hand... You end up with the wrong kind of people at the park that are just there to smoke ganja.” If there is ever trouble at skate parks it is usually these groups of people that are at fault, and it’s a real shame that many develop negative views of parks as a consequence of this minority. Part of the issue is that skate parks are often away from the public eye, out of view so as not to inconvenience those who don’t want to see them, and this allows activity to go unnoticed. Self ownership of skate parks is vital for those who use them, and they become a space of escape, but councils need to take responsibility regarding their upkeep, maintenance and to some extent
governance. I’m not suggesting that there be constant police patrols or security on site, nothing would be more detrimental to the youth oriented space. But it seems ludicrous that youth projects don’t make use of skate parks more. Exhibition Park is an amazing site that youth workers could do so much with. There would of course be a negative response from many of the park’s users as help from anyone outside of the park community goes completely against the independence that the park provides, but well planned projects could have a really positive effect on many lives. It could be as simple as organising competitions, or skate events, and providing the park’s users with the opportunity to showcase their skills. It is also an incredible site for graffiti, providing many artists with a canvas to show their street art to a huge crowd every day. The physical upkeep of the park needs to be maintained as well, and it is clear that exhibition park hasn’t been re-worked for many years, and although the entire park is currently undergoing a £3 million redevelopment, it will be fascinating to see how much of that is put towards the restoration and development of the skate park, and hopefully it will be much improved. The skate park is an indisputably important space for a huge sub-culture, and contrary to some unfortunate negative stigma attached to it due to the behaviour of a few individuals, it is incredibly beneficial to society. It encourages self-expression, perseverance and most importantly, community. The Tony Hawk Law Enforcement Study in 2009 found that skate parks lowered crime rates in communities, and this is obviously enhanced when they are well maintained and kept with pride, not hidden away from the general public where people can avoid any affiliation with the parks and their users. Pride is integral when regarding attitudes towards skate parks, as it will result in a maintained conservation of the site on the side of both the city council, and the park users, and this is turn will elicit a far more positive attitude from the general public. Heaven is a half pipe, but it requires conservation and community.
Image: Kieran Finch
The Courier
lifestylefeature.31
Monday 12 May 2014
“I’m part stripper, part therapist”
With more and more students turning to stripping for part-time work, Elizabeth Archer met one third year student who knows what it’s really like to work in one of Newcastle’s biggest strip clubs
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lexible hours, cash-in-hand pay, and earnings of up to £300 an evening make working as a lap dancer sound almost too good to be true. And with the number of strip clubs on Britain’s high streets having doubled over the past decade, there are now more opportunities than ever for young women to earn this kind of money. It’s little wonder then that cash-strapped female students turn to this line of work as a means of supplementing their student loans, and an alternative to traditional bar work. But is stripping everything it’s cracked up to be, and what do these young women have to sacrifice in order to earn their money?
my Dad would say good on you for earning some money, but my Mum would go ballistic. I think she’d be upset that I’d lied more than anything. They think I’m a club promoter – and they keep telling me to get a big coat so I can wrap up warm when I’m handing fliers out!” Fliss says that although she’s told very few people back home what she does for a living, in Newcastle she’s always honest with people, including her long-term boyfriend whom she shares a house with alongside two other friends. “For the first month or so when we started going out, my boyfriend was a bit uncomfortable about my job, but he’s fine with
“For the first month or so when we started going out, my boyfriend was a bit uncomfortable about my job”
I spoke to twenty-two-year old Fliss, by day a History student expecting to graduate in July, and by night a lap-dancer, in the hope of finding out what life is really like for Newcastle’s student strippers. At first glance the petite brunette sitting in front of me in her joggers and trainers definitely doesn’t fit the stripper stereotype. “I wanted to do this interview so that people would see that stripping isn’t what the people make it out to be. I think it gets a lot of bad publicity. People think it’s about selling your body – and I used to think that before too – but it’s not like that at all.” She tells me she began stripping after quitting her job as a bar manager because of the long hours and stressful working conditions. After months of toying with the idea, Fliss finally went to enquire the club. “I’d never even been in a strip club before” she tells me, “it’s kind of a taboo subject so not many people talk about what goes on inside.” “It was pretty intimidating when I first walked in because there were two girls on stage whipping a guy from a stag party. But it was the managers who persuaded me to give it a go because they were really nice. I was introduced to the house mum and she had answers to all my questions.”
“When I first walked in there were two girls on stage whipping a guy from a stag do”
When I ask her how stripping fits around her studies, she’s eager to tell me that it fits in really well. “It’s literally saved my degree. As a bar manager, I was working 60-70 hours a week and earning about £250. But now I work the minimum amount of shifts which is 7-8 per month and it’s much less stressful.” She adds “I could ask my parents for money, but they’ve worked all their lives for it. I’m twenty-two now and I want to be independent.” Do her parents know she works as a stripper, I ask. “No I haven’t told my parents. I think maybe
29% of those working in strip clubs are doing so to fund higher education Says a recent study by the University of Leeds, in a survey of around 200 strippers.
it now. He gives me a lift to work sometimes.” So is the money really as good as it’s rumoured to be? Fliss explains to me that lap dancers work freelance, and pay a house fee to be able to dance at the club. For her this is £20 on a weekday, £80 on a Friday and £100 on a Saturday. After that she keeps all the money she makes from private lap dances, apart from a £5 charge to the club. So on the busiest night of the week which is Saturday, she might make anywhere between £100 and £300 depending on the time of year. In terms of getting business, “every girl has a different strategy. Some girls will talk to a guy for five minutes before asking if they want a dance, but I talk to guys for maybe forty-five minutes first. It makes me feel less like I’m being used and less like I’m using them for money. Because if you have a conversation, then you’re not selling your body, you’re selling entertainment and a good time.” “The most business I’ve ever had from one customer was a guy who had eleven dances in a row. At that point you’re racking your brain trying to come up with something he hasn’t seen before. To be honest by the end I was pretty bored and I was starting to think about what I was going to have for dinner tomorrow!” “One thing a lot of girls do is to look into the guy’s eyes, because then at the end of the dance he thinks “Shit, I haven’t even looked at her body.” Plus it helps him to believe that you’re into him, because at the end of the day you’re selling a fantasy.” What are the clients like, I ask. “On weekends it’s more stag dos and lesbian hen dos. The majority of the time it’s big groups of young lads who are showing off in front of their friends.” “During the week though, most of our clients are businessmen; either they’re entertaining clients, or they’re on a business trip and they don’t know where else to go. They know if they come to a strip club they can guarantee that there’ll be someone to talk to. Once I sat and just talked to a guy for about two hours. He never asked for a lap dance or anything.” “Sometimes I think I need a psychology degree, because you’re really part stripper, part therapist! People talk to you about everything from their marriage problems to their kids. Some of them just want to feel wanted by somebody and I think that’s why they come to the club.” Has anyone ever taken the fantasy too far, I wonder. Fliss tells me that one time a man came to the club two weeks in a row, spending £400 on the first night and £600 on his second visit, ordering expensive bottles of
champagne. Although they never really spoke, at the end of the second night he waited for Fliss in a taxi outside the club and seemed to think she wanted to go home with him. I comment that it must have been pretty unnerving, and she agrees.
“We have guys who will try a cheeky slap on the bum, or put their fingers somewhere you don’t want them to”
“We also have guys who will try a cheeky slap on the bum, o r
70% of women working in strip clubs have gone home empty handed Says a recent study by the University of Leeds, in a survey of around 200 strippers.
try to put their fingers somewhere you don’t want them to. It’s up to the girls to tell them that’s not okay, and our house mother and the managers have our backs. Mostly the guys are quite respectful, because they know that we’re the ones who are in control. To be honest I got felt up more often when I was working in a bar!” Do you dance completely naked, I ask. “Yeah for the private dances they have to be able to see everything. But if you want you can wear a body stocking or something. A lot of girls are conscious of their tummies so they wear a corset, and fold it down so you can still see their boobs. The girls are all different sizes from about a six to a sixteen.” Has working at a strip club improved her body confidence, I wonder. “Definitely” Fliss answers. “I think it’s really rare that you see real women naked apart from in magazines, but when we’re in the changing rooms there will be women sitting there in just g-strings or putting tampons in. Anything goes. You see lots of people’s bodies, and after a while you realise it’s okay that your body isn’t “normal” because nobody’s is.” “Some of the male managers seem to think that all the strippers should be 6ft tall blondes, but the house mother fights our corner on that one – she knows that people like girls of all shapes and sizes.” She adds, “sometimes a customer will tell you that you’re not their type, like you don’t have big enough boobs or something. But I’m not offended by that, I know I’m not everyone’s type. I’ll go find a dancer for them who is.”
25% of The strip strippers club industry have a is estimated university to be worth degree by Dr. Teela £300 million A study Sanders and Kate Hardy of the Uniin the UK
According to research in 2012.
versity of Leeds revealed in 2010.
32.science&technology
Monday 12 May 2014
The Courier
Science Editor: Elizabeth Hampson Deputy Science Editors: Emad Ahmed and Peter Style
How close are we to... Bionic athletes in sport
Sport is an entertainment industry despite how Newcastle United may try and convince us otherwise, cue genetic engineering and bionic limbs Michael Hicks investigates
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hinese Athlete Ye Shiwen won two gold medals at the London 2012 Olympic games; the 400m and 200m individual medley, she also set the world record and Olympic record in both events respectively. Normally her story would have ended after a mention in the broadsheets and a small stint in the limelight of some primetime highlights programme, but her incredibly significant improvement (beating her previous best 400m time by over two seconds) in such a short time raised many questions; specifically the boring ones about steroids and the like, but also much more interesting ones in whether she had altered her genes in order to boost her performance. However, because life is always disappointing me, Ye was cleared of all drug tests and the reason for her substantial improvement was due a combination of growth spurts and training so harsh that Rocky Balboa would have collapsed down those stairs exhausted mid-montage. These allegations do raise an interesting question though; how close are we to genetically enhanced athletes? As if often the case with these things, the reality is a lot closer than you initially might think. In 1999, researchers at Harvard University created a group of supermice (dubbed “Schwarzenegger mice”) by inserting specific genes into mouse embryos David Buckley which resulted in stronger,
bigger mice pups, which, at the senior age of 20 months, showed none of the signs of muscle degradation of normal mice, and this research has been expanded upon greatly in the last two decades, and the application of this research to humans (dubbed “Genetic doping”) is certainly doable now. Another side of this coin is the use of bionics to ‘enhance’ athletes, specifically bionic limbs. Professional athlete and amateur gun enthusiast Oscar Pistorius was down two legs during the London Olympics, but that didn’t stop him winning two gold medals and another silver. His prothetic legs
“How about turning every weightlifter into an Expendables actor and watch them bench-press a truck, the possibilities are endless” are so advanced that he was able to compete in events with able-bodied runners. To top it off, the first sporting event solely devoted to bionic athletes is set to start i n 2016, so the reality is far from farfetched. The main reason for the prospect of GM/ bionic athletes is how much more interesting sporting events would become. When I sit down to watch the Olympics, I don’t watch to see a fair game when everyone has a good time and goes home, I want to see someone run the 100m
“Inserting specific genes into mouse embryos resulted in stronger, bigger mice pups” sprint in 12 seconds. I want world records to be smashed. Instead of watching someone run the 100m sprint in 10 seconds, how about 8 or less? How about we outfit the runners w it h ostrich legs and see them run it in 3? How about turning every weightlifter into an Expendables cast member and watch t h e m bench-
also wasted treatment on healthy athletes which would be better utilised in healing the sick. Bengt Saltin, a former competitive runner, called genetic enhancement “the end of sport as we know it. Sport will be a circus of unbelievable performances”. I think the consequences are a small price to pay for something as amazing as that.
press a truck? The possibilities are honestly endless, and every single one of them a damn side better then current athlet-
ics. Of course, there are many issues with genetically enhancing every Olympian. There are a whole host of health issues, many of which are caused by the body’s lack of an off switch. A good example is EPO, which increases the amount of red blood cells, for 20 to 30 weeks. This could cause possible side-effects of strokes, heart attacks and death. There are also ethical issues too, such as genetic enhancements making sporting horribly unfair and
humanrobo
Communication catastrophe Upcoming rule changes may allow companies to charge customers for accessing the most popular services on the net. Deputy Science Editor Emad Ahmed on why the principle of net neutrality is under threat
I
magine for a moment you’re a truck driver for FedEx, making deliveries on behalf of a business delivering goods to a customer. You find yourself having to use the M6 toll. However, you realise the UPS van in the neighbouring lane has paid a higher amount at the toll booth for motorway access, and is able to enjoy faster travel across the country. That’s basically what might happen to the internet we have come to know and love. Net neutrality is the name given to the principle that all data travelling through the virtual motorway lanes of the web should be treated equally, with no discrimination in favour or against a specific web service. In the last few weeks, the FCC (America’s OFCOM-equivalent body which regulates all telecommunication) have created quite the stench by pre-announcing the introduction of new internet regulatory guidelines, which would allow ISPs to charge customers accessing particular websites and services. Want to add Facebook to your internet bundle? That’ll be an extra £5 each month, thank you. All this on top of the low-maintenance, speed and usage-based packages offered by ISPs already. So why does this matter to us exactly? Well, many of the bodies involved in the governance of the internet such as ICANN (the organisation which sorts out web and IP addresses) are based in the US. Also, once the Pandora’s Box of net neutrality-
death is opened in the states, the powerful, multinational telecoms firms will be racing for similar rules to be broken in other parts of the world. Currently, ISPs “manage” internet traffic in secretive ways already. For example, digging into the dark T&Cs of Virgin state they’re busy managing traffic from 9am to 9pm, and BT doing the same
“All data travelling through the virtual lanes of the web should be treated equally” from 9am to 12am on weekends, also known as “pretty much all day”. Nonetheless, this could be deemed as a necessary evil, as you would be annoyed if your neighbour’s HD streaming of House of Cards on Netflix was slowing down your search for papers for your dissertation. However, we’re all using the internet more and more these days without even realising it. This fact always hits me when I’m casually having to download the latest, irritating episode of Doc McStuffins for my nephew through my Sky TV box. To calm the spectacular level of annoyance from everyone, the FCC has recently said they’ll change their language and deem all ISPs “public utilities” (which they are), and keep net neutrality in place. This only frustrating because it’s the terminology
all telecoms regulators should be using. The internet is just as vital to modern living as water and electricity, and some may say even more so. Just think about it. Want to pay your latest bill? The easiest way is through the internet. Looking for a new job or career path? The internet. It would be frustrating being forced to talk to your loved ones through only Google Hangouts, part o f your new, non-neutral internet, and not Skype or FaceTime, part of the more expensive internet packages on offer. After all, can you imagine a giant datacrunching company such as YouTube starting up today, facing multiple delivery cost barriers on top of the traditionally expected, massive start-up costs a tech company faces, such as data centres? And where would we be expected to get our daily dose of hilarious cat videos then?
“Toll booths interrupting our browsing, this is basically what might happen to the internet we know and love”
Jacob Enos
The Courier
technology&science.33
Monday 12 May 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/science c2.science@ncl.ac.uk | @courier_science
Revealing secrets of sick success
For almost a century, it has been a mystery why the Spanish Flu of 1918 was so deadly. Penny Polson explains why the disease killed millions
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ever has eating dirt as a child appeared more important. Everybody experiences a concoction of cold and stomach bugs as we grow up, which are unpleasant to endure but ultimately leave us immune to those diseases. Our adult years are spent with fewer illnesses (aside from the inevitable fresher’s flu), and our immune system only begins to weaken with age. But one international plague which killed 50 million people defied these standard laws nearly a century ago, and researchers are only just working out why. The Spanish Flu swept the globe at the close of the First World War, infecting one third of the world’s population in 1918. It was particularly strange, because it seemed to almost exclusively target the young adult population. Meanwhile, the elderly were generally spared the death which wiped out the younger generation (and two expendable characters in Downton Abbey, back in season two). The new scientific findings explaining the flu’s evasion of the elderly appear quite simple. Those who were born after 1889 missed out on being exposed as children to the same type of flu that killed in 1918. By avoiding this same virus type (H1N1) earlier in life due to the Russian Flu (H3N8) outbreak being the most dominant strain after 1889, young adult populations felt the full efmnh fects of the Spanish Flu. But does this mean our generation is susceptible to the same type of devastation? What have we missed out on as children, and what could
sweep across the university campus, perfect for breeding infection, ultimately killing us all? One key point about the ferocity of the Spanish flu is that it was only a gateway to bacterial pneumonia, which was the main cause in death of Spanish flu victims. Fortunately, most bacterial infections are now treatable using antibiotics, thanks to the availability of penicillin since 1945. But there is growing concern about the future of effective antimicrobial medication, where antibiotics are now struggling to keep up against antibiotic-resistant diseases. Reasons for this growing resistance include unnecessary antibiotic use for viral infections, and increased antibiotic use in factory farms to preemptively reduce infection in livestock. Interestingly, the Swine Flu health scare that many of us will remember from recent school days is also of the same H1N1 strain as Spanish Flu. This is possibly why new viruses coming into different countries cause so much hype, as the adult population may not have experienced a similar vi-
rus, just like the Spanish Flu victims. However, this does leave us vulnerable to other diseases, such as avian flu, which rarely infects humans but can lead to respiratory complications and deadly outcomes. There is also growing concern over a different type of swine virus, which is
“There is a growing concern about the future of effective antimicrobial medication” currently not infectious to humans, but has killed seven million pigs in the past year, and may have economic consequences for meat export. For now, the usual advice still stands for not encouraging disease growth. Wash hands, catch and bin sneezes in a tissue, and don’t breathe heavily on everyone when you’re ill. You won’t be popular if you start spreading the next Spanish Flu.
Harris & Ewing
Do you yearn for a time when evolving your Squirtle into a Blastoise was your main priority? Ian Mason looks back at the days when the Game Boy was king
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Forget Ibiza, David Naylor gives us the top 3 science pilgrimages to make in your summer holiday
Wardenclyffe Tower New York
Standing as a pertinent reminder of one man’s determination to achieve something truly divine. The lab was home to ‘Tesla Tower’- a wacky science project masterminded by famous futurist Nikola Tesla. Forget turning water into wine, this beacon of science was designed to channel electrical energy across the entire globe through the electrified part of our upper atmosphere. Numerous industrialists flocked to award funding to Tesla’s visionary venture, yet the lab ran in to fatal difficulties when rival Guglielmo Marconi succeeded in creating a trans-Atlantic broadcast system. Tesla’s backers withdrew their funding, effectively ending Nikola’s hopes of finishing his work. The eccentric inventor failed to secure alternative funds and Wardenclyffe. The lab has been handed willy-nilly from owner to owner over the last century, although a group of determined disciples have recently secured funding to turn the site into a Tesla-museum, and boy does Saint Nik deserve it.
Naturhistorisches Museum Austria
The bygone era of the Game Boy ith the Game Boy reaching twenty-five, you may have forgotten its influence on both the gaming industry and popular culture in its era. Tetris, Pokémon, Super Mario, Kirby, Zelda, the list is endless. In its time numerous handheld consoles had come and looked to challenge its perk, but even its own creators Nintendo would have to admit that their newer offerings do little but lick the boots of their forbearer. Personally, I’m twenty-eight. I don’t remember the Game Boy coming out, but I remember its importance to my childhood. It competed with the SEGA Game Gear, and yet even despite the fact the SEGA was in colour and could be adapted to be used as a portable television, the Game Boy was always considerably more popular. It’s success came in its longevity. While the SEGA’s battery life was limited to say the least, the Game Boy survived the long car journeys and really was a portable gaming device. Think how much it pisses you off now when Candy Crush annihilates your iPhone battery. The Game Boy actually did a pretty decent job of lasting, even if it did eventually cost your parents a fortune in Double A’s. Tetris is still the hipster game of choice, and iconic just doesn’t cut it. It’s even scientifically proven to improve reaction times amongst regular players, therefore making it that much more parentally acceptable. Speaking of parents, an endearing moment of my childhood was my parents taking my younger brother and I to Rome, and a photograph
A science nerd’s guide to the summer
that comes out every time they want to shame any love of culture I now have, as they show the pair of us playing Pokémon in the Sistine Chapel. On the other hand, the Game Boy was a parents dream. It was a portable child-silencing device. Games such as the aforementioned Pokémon along with the likes of Zelda were pretty lengthy for a game that could be taken out of the home, and combined with games such as Tetris that were never ending, they had permanent entertainment value. Simplicity stands out. Nintendo despite their struggling to compete with the Wii in recent years, have always had the ace up their sleeve in original characters, such as Mario, Link and Donkey Kong. While they have indeed had competition, their ability to create and hang onto their own characters, whereas their competitors, especially in the handheld market, have struggled to develop characters to compete has been key. Add to that their exclusivity to Pokémon and Nintendo struck gold. Despite their childish simplicity, their inoffensiveness has made them more than just child friendly but appealable to all ages, and the Game Boy has suitably held its desire.
It isn’t just the hipsters who look to the Game Boy as their handheld of choice. I still have one myself rather than a Vita or any of the far newer Nintendo offerings such as the 3DS. What keeps the Game Boy, for me anyway more appealing is its ease on the eyes. The simplicity of the graphics mean it’s comfortable to look at for prolonged periods and largely not overly taxing on the brain either. It’s a classic, but while other aged consoles such as the SNES or the Mega Drive form nostalgic parts of many gamers collections, the Game Boy and rightly so remains around simply for its continuing playability. Happy Birthday, see you at your fiftieth. Illustration by Rachel Templeman
Austria’s very own Naturhistorisches Museum (it’s easier to say with a mouthful of carrots) lies in the bustling centre of Vienna and houses over 30 million objects, all guaranteed to satisfy a weary traveller looking for scientific holiness. Before you even enter the damned thing you’ll be greeted by a gorgeous fountain that forms part of the wider Maria-Theresien Platz- a marvellous public square that also houses an art museum. At risk of sounding like a bombastic travel writer, it is worth arguing that the NHM boasts both a striking setting and fascinating innards. The museum is home to a number of interesting collections that provide provocative insights into humanity’s chequered past. A case of dodo remains offers one of the few chances to see vestiges of a remarkable animal that fell victim to trampling colonisers. Like a crusader in search of the Holy Grail, excitable scientists would have loved a proper poke at one of history’s forlorn relics.
Cape Canaveral Florida Florida’s Cape Canaveral Air Force Station was the first temple of American space-flight and boldly represents one of mankind’s more enterprising attempts to reach science-nirvana. America’s space program has had its fair share of saints and martyrs. Whilst conspirators may question man’s first lunar-steps, the Apollo 1 disaster serves as a genuine reminder of scientific sin. In February 1967, The Apollo 1 astronauts were rehearsing the launch sequence for their proposed mission when an electrical fault sparked a fire. Moving mercilessly through the pure-02 atmosphere, the blaze that ruptured the hull after just 15 seconds. All three astronauts onboard were killed, forcing NASA to face severe criticism of its seemingly gung-ho and reckless attitude. Nevertheless, the rocket-scientists at CCAFS and NASA seemingly learnt from their sins, as the Apollo 13 lads were soon stamping mankind’s pioneering presence on the moon.
The Courier
35.puzzles
Monday 12 May 2014
Puzzles There’s no quizness like show quizness, like no quizness I know. Hand in your answers at The Courier office to have a chance of winning drinks at MensBar
Crossword 1
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Puzzles Editors: Tom Nicholson and Sam Summers
Win a MensBar voucher
Grandma’s Pictionary
I sat down with Grandma for a game of pictionary, but she’s just not very good, bless her. Can you help me figure out which common phrase she’s trying to draw?
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Sudoku
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Across
1, 2 down ‘I Only Want To Be With You’ singer, buried in Henley-on-Thames (5,11) 4 Irritates (6) 6 A statistically unlikely event (6) 8 North African country which played Tatooine in Star Wars (7) 9 Recreational space where patrons gather to lose money (5) 10 Benefit of a job or situation (4) 11 One who openly and playfully signals interest in romantic partners 13 Disappear (6) 15 ____ Van Dyke (4) 17 Geordie or Scottish baby (5) 18 Bicycle race; Kraftwerk album (4, 2, 6)
The first person to bring the completed puzzles to The Courier office in the Students’ Union will be awarded the prize and the respect of their peers, which let’s be honest is priceless
Down
1 Foolish person; instrument essential for car maintenance (8) 2 See 1 across 3 Example by which all others are measured (9) 4 Appealing; magnetic (10) 5 Roman author of Metamorphoses (4) 7 Spinal Tap song; large stone circle in Wiltshire which isn’t quite as big in real life as you’d think it would be (10) 10 R. Kelly super-smash hit; device for starting an engine (8) 14 Foolish person; coagulated blood (4) 16 Mushy mulch which cows chew to their hearts’ content (3)
How would a group of Christian Mennonites build houses without advanced technological equipment?
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Oh, Smiggsy!
I don’t know. It’s Amishtery!
36.sportfeatures
Monday 12 May 2014
The Courier
The Unlikely Lads
Fed up of Ronaldo? Here’s an alternative list of Rio bound boys
Juan Cuadrado Prior to Radamel Falcao’s big money move away from Atlético Madrid last summer, a belief held by a proportion of the Atléti faithful relating to their team’s reliance on the talisman was implied in a banner, regularly displayed at their Vicente Calderón stadium that read ‘No Falcao, No Party’. The success enjoyed by a Falcao-less Atlético this season has put paid to such a notion, and will undoubtedly give hope to fans of the Columbian National Team as they prepare for a World Cup campaign in which the forward, so integral to their impressive qualifying campaign, looks unlikely to play a part in owing to a serious knee injury sustained while playing for new club Monaco ear-
lier this year. Despite being dealt such a crushing blow, Columbia continue to be tipped as dark horses for this summer’s finals. One of the primary reasons for this is a result of the scintillating form of Fiorentina’s Juan Cuadrado, an exciting winger with the potential to a make a real impact in Brazil. Possessing an embarrassing abundance of pace and an absolute rocket of a shot, the 24-year-old has enjoyed a fruitful season for the Florence club, scoring 10 times on the way to helping them to a respectable fourth place finish. His defining moment of the season however came away from the league, in
the semi-finals of the Coppa Italia last month. With Fiorentina on the verge of being knocked out by Cuadrado’s former club Udinese, the explosive wide man stormed down the right-hand side prior to unleashing an unstoppable effort in off the underside of the crossbar to send La Viola through to the final. It is unsurprising that, owing to his impressive form over the last 24 months or so, he has been linked with a whole host of top European clubs. Undoubtedly, one or two good performance on the biggest stage this summer will be a catalyst for prospective club’s to initiate a big money move for the hugely promising attacker. Nick Gabriel
TOUCH: Cuadrado looks to trap a dropping ball. Image: Getty
Ashkan Dejagah
MOVES: Dejagah has impressed for Fulham this year. Image: Getty
Having played for much of the season under the threat of relegation, and with it finally being realised last weekend, the 2013/14 Premier League season has been a particularly poor year for Fulham, and a painful one to watch for its fans. One of the few sources of joy for them has been some of the performances put in by their talented midfielder, Ashkan Dejagah, who is now World Cup-bound with Iran, and is definitely a lesserknown player to keep an eye out for in Brazil. Dejagah has dual nationality, having been born in Iran but spent almost all of his life living in Germany. However, as
of 2011 he chose to play for the nation of his birth and has since then become one of his country’s main players, offering creativity and an ever-present goal threat. During Iran’s qualifying campaign for the World Cup, Dejagah has slowly built up his reputation as an integral part of the Iranian national side, particularly in attack, with his ability to both score and assist goals from the right wing. Dejagah has brought the same to Fulham, scoring some important goals to win crucial games this season. Perhaps if results had gone Fulham’s way on just a couple of occasions, Dejagah would have been heralded as making a major
contribution to keeping Fulham up. The large majority of Iran’s World Cup players ply their trade in the Iranian national league; therefore players like Dejagah who play abroad in Europe’s top divisions bring an extra level of experience to the squad. It will be much-needed, as Iran face a tough task in Group F, with Argentina, Bosnia and Herzegovina, and Nigeria for company, Iran are almost automatically the group’s underdogs. If Iran are to have any chance at causing an upset, their top players like Ashkan Dejagah will undoubtedly be central to this effort. Liam Turnbull-Brown
Christian Atsu Having been drawn into Group G, Ghana arguably find themselves faced with this summer’s ‘Group of Death’, and are not widely fancied to progress to the tournament’s knockout phase. In Portugal, Germany and the USA, they have some stern opponents, all of whom are deemed superior in the FIFA world rankings. If The Black Stars are to stand any chance of glory, they’re going to need some truly outstanding performances. One player who may provide such performances and be an integral part of Ghana’s World Cup bid is ex-Porto man, Christian Atsu. Currently on loan from Chelsea to Vitesse Arnhem, the 22-year
-old winger has long been heralded as one of the nation’s brightest emerging stars. The 2013/14 campaign has been a breakthrough one for Atsu who, in 26 appearances, has 5 goals and 7 assists to his name. Additionally, the explosive wide man was voted player of the season by the Vitesse faithful, suggesting that there is far more than just goals and assists in his locker. Any paying fan will know that to win such reverence from the stands, the player’s work ethic must align with any God-given talent. Though he may not be ready to return to Chelsea and challenge the likes of
Eden Hazard and André Schürrle just yet, a decent World Cup could certainly see Atsu’s stock rise, and possibly pave way for a move to another top European club. With 5 goals in 21 appearances for Ghana thus far, Atsu has already proved he can do the business on the international stage. Blessed with great pace and impressive technical ability, it seems Atsu has all the makings of a future star. Whether he has the mentality to succeed in Brazil on the world’s biggest stage, however, remains to be seen. Ryan Hill
FUTURE: Atsu is said to have significant potential. Image: Getty
The Courier
featuressport.37
Monday 12 May 2014
off to Brazil 2014
looking to announce themselves on a global stage this summer
Serge Aurier Côte d’Ivoire has long been renowned for giving birth to numerous exceptional footballers and Sabri Lamouchi’s recent World Cup squad selection only serves to exemplify this trend. Though it is hard to shine amongst the likes of Toure, Gervinho and Drogba, this time, a youngster promises to steal the show during the forthcoming Brazilian summer. Until recently, six goals and six assists hardly ever pointed to a defender let alone a full-back. However, Serge Aurier is testament to the winds of change which have transformed the recently neglected position into a hidden deadly weapon in the last few years. The 21-year-old Toulouse player possesses pace, technique, accuracy and
much more are in his locker. No wonder he has been frequently linked to Arsenal. Last month, Arsene Wenger was even reported to have spoken to Aurier’s agent to take some advantage in the race for his signature. According to popular rumours, the Frenchman is battling against Manchester City, AC Milan and Juventus in attempt to get the defender as a replacement for Bacary Sagna. Valued at about £10million, Aurier had his official debut appearance for Côte d’Ivoire against Gambia in June 2013. Since then, the young gentleman’s caps have jumped to 7 with him evolving into a vital element of the Ivorian defence line. Nonetheless, it would be rather naïve
for anyone to believe that protection will be his only concern in Brazil. Given the offensive force the African team features, Aurier is set to easily unlock his full potential. With explosive Gervinho to support him, the youngster’s forward runs will certainly be encouraged by manager Sabri Lamouchi. Meanwhile, the menacing front duo of Didier Drogba and Salamon Kalou will look forward to exploiting his crossing and through passes to full extent. For now, Serge Aurier is just another enigmatic player to be introduced to the fans at the World Cup. Still, all premises suggest that his undeniable talent holds the key to a much more glorious future. Peter Georgiev
WANTED: Arsenal, among others, are said to like Aurier. Image: Getty
Miralem Pjanic
POISE: Pjanic looks to build an attack for B&H. Image: Getty
Bosnia and Herzegovina, a debutant World Cup finalist for the 2014 World Cup in Brazil have been given a favourable draw to say the least. Playing against Argentina, Iran and Nigeria in Group F, the European nation are hoping to progress to the next round, most likely behind Argentina who are heavy favourites to win this group. Star players for the country include striker Edin Dzeko, who plies his trade with Manchester City as well as Azmir Begovic, one of the outstanding goalkeepers in the Barclays Premier League. However, despite possessing these talented players, their World Cup hopes
rest on a young playmaker’s shoulders, Miralem Pjanic of AS Roma. Pjanic has been nothing short of inspirational for AS Roma in terms of contributions away from the numbers. A modest six assists and six goals in the league does not tell the whole story in regards of what he has brought to the team. Working with new coach Rudi Garcia, Pjanic has been given a free role in the attacking midfield to serve as playmaker behind the two strikers, flourishing in that new position. Attracting the attention of Barcelona and PSG, Roma may find it difficult to hold on to their midfield star, but stay-
ing put in Roma will allow Pjanic to play consistently and at a high level. There will be huge pressure on Pjanic to be a constant threat in attack during the World Cup and his form during the 2013/2014 Serie A season is evidence that he has the quality to do just that. If Bosnia and Herzegovina can avoid defeat in their first match against Argentina and bring the fight to Lionel Messi and company, confidence and momentum will be high and the second round will be theirs for the taking. Huezin Lim
Shola Ameobi At the age of 32, and with a total of 74 goals in 13 seasons at Newcastle United, it seems bizarre that a striker with such a record could be going to the greatest football competition this summer in Brazil. Yet, having switched his allegiances from England (who he represented at every other level) to Nigeria the Mackem-slayer is doing just that. His cause has been boosted by recent injuries to Papiss Cisse and Luuk De Jong allowing Ameobi to gain more game time. He duly responded with two goals in
two games. Although this is only a short period to make a judgement, it does suggest that he has found form at the right time. A variety of Nigeria coaches have regularly called him up when he has been a benchwarmer at Newcastle. His strength would provide a different option to the pace of Ahmed Musa and sulkiness but consistency of Peter Odemwingie. However, Ameobi’s contract expires in the summer, which means he has a point to prove to any potential suitors, or even to Newcastle to retain him.
Nigeria find themselves in Group F with Argentina (for the second World Cup in a row), Iran and debutants Bosnia and Herzegovina. You would expect Argentina to defeat Nigeria, but the other two fixtures will be close. It seems unlikely that a player of Ameobi’s experience will fail to make the most of this opportunity; he will give his all in this competition. Michael Rowan
GOALSCORER: Ameobi will hope impress this summer. Image: Getty
38.sportintramural
Monday 12 May 2014
The Courier
Urban Outfielders: A hipster’s
England? It’s been done. Germany? Too obvious. Ecuador? Tragic home kit. teams of choice for a fixie bike-riding, craft beer-drinking footy fan who pines
Group A Brazil, Mexico, Croatia, Cameroon A richly hip group to start off with: aside from Brazil’s reliably fabulous kits which always carry with them the cachet of the golden 1970 team (though ditching the big flappy collar was a big misstep), the Croatians’ favourite Brazilian Eduardo can usually be relied on for the kind of tippity-tappity beach football which hipsters giggle excitedly over. Add to that Luka Modric, their enduring fidelity to red and white checks and 17-year-old Barcelona new boy Alen Halilovic (in football hipsterdom, much as in its musical cousin, one can gain great cultural capital by being the first to jump on any bandwagon) and you’ve got a very cool team. The only drawback for Croatia is that they no longer employ elegantly crumpled socialist Slaven Bilic, one of a very few managers able to wear a suit like a member of the Rat Pack rather than a jumped-up door-to-door double glazing salesman. He also recorded a single for Euro 2008 called ‘Fiery Madness’. He will be sorely missed. Mexico and Cameroon, while running a nice little line in dark horse charges to the quarters, and Cameroon’s last squad contained nine (!) defenders (0-0 is the purest scoreline, of course), just don’t have Croatia’s panache.
Group B Spain, Netherlands, Chile, Australia While the Australian team is made up of players who have been playing professionally since the 1990s, an era ardently fetishised by hip kids, the fact that they’re Australian does also mean that they’ll always be too boorish, crass and noisy to be actually cool. The choice of slogans from which fans can choose to adorn their team bus includes ‘WHAT A RIDE TO THE GAMES’, ‘SOCCEROOS: HOPPING OUR WAY INTO HISTORY!’, and ‘WE GOT THIS MATES!’, all of which are intensely small-time and far too clearly aware of the absurdity of the Australian national football team for hipsters’ tastes. The Dutch slogan – ‘REAL MEN WEAR ORANGE’ – is much better, and along with their status as terminal bridesmaids and propensity for self-destruction, could be a solid choice. Chile, though, are hipper still, combining all of the Netherlands’ plus points with South American exoticism and a certain flair for the theatrical. Spain are out, having jumped the trequarista in terms of mainstream appreciation of their interminable low-velocity ball-herding. - Grab a subscription
How to become a football hipster
Group C
Columbia, Greece, Ivory Coast, Japan Japan are the perennial choice for hipsters; they can always be relied upon for edgier-than-thou haircuts and tend to have a particular flair for fierce trainers (sports luxe is big this season). On top of that, there’s only one thing hipsters like more than a ball-playing defensive midfielder, and that’s a technically superb but physically slight playmaker: they’ll rarely miss a chance to nod approvingly at a neat little power-shuffle through midfield before the playmaker is bundled over by Lee Cattermole. In Shinji Kagawa, Japan have an excellent (and domestically underappreciated) example. Columbia have a strong claim, but they also have a howlingly uncool habit of going nuts and collapsing defensively, forcing themselves to launch men forward. Fun as this might seem, it’s extremely uncooth. Ivory Coast have been the tipped for greatness for what seems like decades, and Greece are basically what would happen if Millwall ever gained independence from the UK. By contrast, there is no Japanese phrase equivalent to “stick it in the mixer”.
to ESPN so you can keep up with the German youth leagues. - Make sure you’re clear on the difference between a false nine and a true ten; getting confused while in enlightened company could leave you with bambinoccino all over your face. - Choose which match to watch based on the complexity and subtlety of tactical understanding on display; the chance to see the lesser-spotted enganche can’t be passed up. - Pick a player who appears to do very little and swear blind that he is the fulcrum of his team. Accuse anyone who disagrees of being a philistine with no appreciation of the finer points of the game. You’ll either be proved a visionary or stop being invited to parties. - Disparage all pundits except Pat Nevin and James Richardson. Be sure to praise Nevin’s extensive collection of singles by Scottish indie bands.
Group D Uruguay, Costa Rica, England, Italy Roy Hodgson is, on paper, a footballing hipster’s dream: he’s fluent in German, Italian, Swedish and Norwegian; he’s a big fan of Philip Roth and Saul Bellow; and he introduced the sweeper system to Swedish football. It’s just a shame he had to ruin it all by doing something as crass as coach England.
“Pirlo looks like a stern grandfather forced to join in with the kids in the park” Italy will be wearing the most tasteful kit at the finals, of course, and in Andrea Pirlo have perhaps the football hipster’s football hipster: look at his beard, his default facial expression being that of a stern grandfather who’s been forced to join in with the kids in the park rather than filing his tax return as he’d planned, the way he clips the ball about with an air of stately arrogance. Sadly, Italy are just too good at football to be a really hip choice, and that’s before we consider the fact that Balotellimania peaked a good couple of years ago now. Given that everyone’s now aware of Uruguay’s Cavani, Forlan and Bitey McRacist, Costa Rica have to be the hip pick of these four. This is mainly due to the presence in their squad of thinking man’s crumpet Bryan Ruiz, a swarthy, slightly mad, largely ineffective inside forward. (Hipsters love slightly recherchécherché or exotic-sounding positions – they frot themselves silly over a tasty wing-half or a polished libero.) Ruiz is capable of occasional flashes of astonishing skill and blessed with an artfully dishevelled mop of hair and also has ‘BRYAN’ printed on the back of his shirt, a novelty which has yet to lose its lustre.
“Costa Rica boast the presence of the thinking man’s slightly mad crumpet, Bryan Ruiz”
Group E
Switzerland, Ecuador, France, Honduras
Now, France have form for producing achingly cool players – Cantona, of course, but also Djorkaeff, Pires, Ginola et al – but a squad which includes Olivier Giroud’s dismal interpretation of the ubiquitous short-sides-floppy-top hairdo is tainted by association. Switzerland’s record of Nazi gold-stashing and bus-parking is spectacularly ungroovy, even if some football hipsters will insist that a 0-0 draw represents a kind of tactical nirvana, and Ecuador’s kits always make them look like the team bus has careered through a disused JJB Sports warehouse on the way to the game. Honduras, then, must be our pick from this group, though bear in mind that this is like trying to choose the coolest branch of Wimpy on the M56.
Group F Argentina, BosniaHerzegovina, Iran, Nigeria Emergent Eastern European countries are very hot currently, and Bosnian playmaker Zvjezdan Misimovic sat third in the assists list during qualifying. That said, Shola Ameobi’s inclusion in the Nigerian team would melt the most postmodern and ironic of hearts. Despite having ex-Man U coach Carlos Queiroz (the real reason United won the Champions League in 2008, FYI), Iran aren’t sexy enough. Bosnia-Herzegovina by a nose.
The Courier
sportbucs.39
Monday 12 May 2014
Rio-sky Deputy Editor Tom Nicholson looks at the for Socrates, catenaccio and inverted wingers business? guide to Brazil
Jonty Mawer assesses if the perils of Brazil are worth it
Group G
Germany, Portugal, Ghana, United States Clearly Germany and Portugal, like Italy, are too obviously good to be hip. Were they slightly worse, though, Germany would be a shoo-in. Their superabundance of technically adept playmakers (including the false nine’s false nine, Thomas Muller, who frequently appears to be playing a version of football painstakingly designed in a laboratory, devised to allow him to be great at football without appearing to do anything except drift into pockets of space for 90 minutes), their immaculate away kits, and Per Mertesacker’s Twitter game are all very enticing. Add to that coach Jurgen K l o p p’s predilection for
a normcore cardigan and you’ve got a perfect storm of hippitude. Jurgen Klinnsmann sprinkles the USA with some muchneeded hipsterdust, but the squad is likely to be comprised of players from thunderously uncool locales like Florida and Texas with jock-lite names like Landon and DeAndre. While hipsters in Williamsburg might have taken to football as an alternative to distressingly mainstream American sports, they’ve yet to work out a way to play the game without having their beards contribute to fatal overheating. That said, midfielder Kyle Beckerman is a white bloke with dreadlocks whose Instagram feed is full of pictures of the Real Salt Lake captain fishing while wearing a widebrimmed brown felt hat which makes him look like Stevie Nicks, so the hipstification of the USA team might well be in its initial stages. Ghana are a safer bet for now though. For extra points, point out to friends that Ozwald Boateng, a British-Ghanaian menswear designer with a place on Savile Row, has apparently been involved in the Ghanaian backroom in some capacity. There’s a chance Emmanuel ‘DENCH’ Frimpong might sneak into the squad, though, so watch out for that.
“Picking a hip team from this lot is like trying to pick the coolest branch of Wimpy on the M56” Belgium, Algeria, Russia, South Korea
Image: Getty
trious trophy in sport has an almost primeval nature to it.
es alike about whether this part of the world provides a safe enough venue for large scale sports competitions. We’ve all heard them; the stadiums aren’t ready, the streets aren’t safe and the less we say about the hastily constructed, tourist friendly favelas the better. The Brazillian Sports Minister himself, Aldo Rebeldo, has publically compared the security concerns in his own country with that of Iraq and Afghanistan, maybe Bagdad 2026 is less of a dream than we first though. I suppose with all these accusations flying around, it prompts the question; is it worth it? Is it worth me travelling to a country where there have been a reported 170,000 armed guards deployed, just for crowd control? Is it worth the money, the grief, the dodgy stomach caused by street food consumed whilst on the lash? My answer; absolutely, and here is why. In every sport, there is one nation that just encapsulates every facet and every pure emotion of that particular game.
“This year’s location for the most illustrious trophy in sport has an almost primeval nature to it” If one was to liken World Cup venues to Ancient Greek citystates, as one is prone to do, Berlin, the host city for the 2006 World Cup, would be Athens; omnipotent, yet somehow reserved and inwardly confident. Rio, on the other hand, is Sparta. In the same way that militarism was part of the cultural fabric of
Group H Russia’s manager Fabio Capello scores highly for having been massively successful in the 90s (hippest decade) in Italy (hippest country), but loses marks for having deigned to manage England and looking increasingly like an amalgam of Marlon Brando and Dot Cotton. At the time of writing, the slogan on the side of Russia’s team bus will either be ‘NOT ONE STEP BACKWARDS’ – a subtle nod back to the battle of Stalingrad there, history fans – or the rather over-optimistic but politically apposite ‘NO-ONE CAN STOP US’. South Korea don’t have a great deal to recommend them this time around, and Algeria still carry the toxic stench of that abysmal 0-0 with England four years ago. Belgium’s team of young, thrusting bucks win by default in this group, though they’re on the cusp of becoming a rather clichéd pick for a ‘surprise’ tilt at the semi-finals. I’m fairly sure it’s an idea that’s buzzing around somewhere in Alan Shearer’s voluminous cranium, which is usually the death knell for anything cool. Remember when he started banging on about how great the Weeknd were, then they almost immediately turned rubbish? If his mortgage application for a flat in Dalston goes through, the hipsters are going to have a shit-fit.
T
his summer, we await arguably the most cosmopolitan event in sport: the FIFA World Cup. Anticipation has been slowly simmering since the last advertising hoarding was mercilessly stripped from the landscape of Cape Town four years ago, and now it is close to fever pitch. However, this year’s location for the most illus-
In rugby, it’s New Zealand; sprinting, Jamacia; basketball, the US; but for football, it’s Brazil. There is something about seeing those golden jerseys walk onto any pitch that makes people feel weak at the knees. It’s ineffable. Never mind the standard of the Brazil team you’re watching, and in recent years it has at times been pretty mediocre, you still regard them with an sense of trepidation. “Why is this?” we ask ourselves. We live in the country that has one of the most successful and highly regarded professional leagues in world sport yet we still seem to fumble and stumble
“The Brazilian football brand continues to remain one of the most iconic in sport”
Image: Getty
the Lacadaemonians, football is the very lifeblood of Brazillian culture. It lacks the pomp and circumstance of the Premier League and the glamour of La Liga, however, in many ways it encapsulates so much more. This is football at its purest; this is Genesis. In an ideal world, this would be enough, however, much like Sparta, Brazil has its own internal issues to deal with. Since the announcement of Brazil’s successful bid, there has an inordinate amount of allegations and concerns broadcasted by pundits and coach-
against a team like Brazil. Like the Spartans, Brazil have dedicated their national dreams to football. A country that has suffered from economic and crime related poverty in recent years; the Brazilian football brand continues to remain one of the most iconic in sport. To this day, every conversation about the best teams, players and coaches to have ever been involved in the game involves a Brazilian. It is because of this that they have this almost mystical reputation amongst football supporters. With all this in mind, it seems like a virtual non-decision whether or not to make the trip to South America this summer. We have a chance to witness something magical, a nation which embodies three perfect ideals that bind its entire populous; Total Party, Total Love and, most importantly, Total Football. Let’s not pretend that you haven’t made your mind up already.
Sport
www.thecourieronline.co.uk Monday 12 May 2014 Issue 1292 Free
thecourieronline.co.uk/sport
Sports Editors: Nick Gabriel, Freddie Caldwell and Fran Fitzsimmons courier.sport@ncl.ac.uk | @Courier_Sport
PICTURESQUE: A selection of the best photographs taken of Newcastle University sports teams in action this season. Images: Jonty Mawer, NUBC, Holly Magill and Peter Georgiev.
Toon in review 13/14 By Fran Fitzsimmons Sports Editor With the BUCS season wrapped up for the year and the Intra Mural finals being played in the forthcoming week, Sport look roundup all the sporting highs and lows of the 2013/14 season. In terms of BUCS sports, it has not been the best of seasons for Newcastle. There were 11 teams relegated this season, including women’s lacrosse 1sts who suffered an unfortunate exit from the premiership. Fencing, a stronghold of success for Newcastle, watched their 2nd team being demoted from a tough league to Northern 1B, while mixed golf 2nds were sent packing from 2B. Despite finishing on equal points with second bottom Manchester, Newcastle 1sts table tennis suffered the dreaded ‘adjustments made’ asterisks after not being able to field a team against Sheffield Hallam, and automatically suffered relegation without being given the chance to battle for their place in relegation play offs. Two years ago, men’s hockey were enjoying success in the Premiership, but after two hard seasons, the 1sts have found themselves demoted and starting next season in Northern 1B. Men’s badminton 1st will be joining them, as they too
have failed to get the points needed to maintain a spot in Northern 1A. For the first time in Newcastle history, women’s 1sts hockey found themselves in Premiership contention but unfortunately couldn’t get the result in their playoffs, and will continue playing next season in Northern 1A, with promotion the aim for 2014/15 season. Men’s 1sts basketball were also unable to get the 6 points needed for promotion into the Premiership in their playoff matches, but will maintain their place in Northern 1A next season as league favourites.
tory over Sheffield Hallam en route to league victory. Intra Mural Football It was business as usual for the Medic Intra Mural teams this season as the firsts and seconds topped the tables in both leagues. The University reserves and Medics 1sts both have a game in hand, but Medics 2nds are untouchable with a 9 point cushion between them and second place Uni Reserves, and have won the league before all matches in Division 1 have been completed. Barca-Law-Na and Chem Eng
The Uni Reserves and Medics 1sts both have a game in hand, but Medics 2nds are untouchable with a 9 point cushion between them and second place. After a long, toughly contested season, netball 2nds unfortunately couldn’t uphold their position in Northern 1A. Fortune was in the favour of firsts however, as they managed to win their playoffs by a single point and maintain their place in the Premiership. Elsewhere, women’s 1sts volleyball topped their league by three points to get promoted to Northern 1B, while men’s 1sts football put in a great effort at the end of the season to get promoted into Northern 2A, bagging an 11-0 vic-
FC will both bow out of Division 1, and will be replaced by Bocca Seniors and NUSSC who topped Division 2. Castle Leazes and Larrikins have struggled all season and find themselves relegated to Division 3, while Acc Soc and MLS will relish the challenge of being promoted into the second tier. In the Wednesday league, it has once again been all about the supremacy of the Medics this season. Sitting top, Medics 2nds have finished the season on 31 points, with all their matches
played. It is looking unlikely that they will do the double and win both leagues however, as the Medics 1sts are only a point behind and have a game in hand against Larrikins – a team they stuffed 11-0 earlier on in the season. With the top of the table undecided, the fate of the bottom teams of Division 1 has already been sealed. Larrikins and Barca-Law-Na both wave goodbye to the premiership of Intra Mural football and will start next season in Division 2. Boca Seniors and S.S Ladzio will take their places in Division 1 and hope to make a mark on the top tier. Newcastle Dynamos were unable to do enough to maintain their position in Div 2, and so are relegated to 3, while the battle for the second relegation spot continues between Castle Leazes and Brown Magic FC, who both have games in hand and are only separated by a point. With either Castle Leazes or Brown Magic FC joining Division 3, Politic Thistle and FC Bayern Toonich have both secured promotion to Division 2. South Sandwich FC and Buckminster Fullerenes have both suffered relegation from the 3rd division, and will take up spots in Division 4 next season, while Sons of Pitches and Newhist FC have been promoted up to the third tier. Roman Villa and Bocca Seniors finish off the intramural fixtures when they come head to head in the Wednesday Cup final on the 14th of this month.
Environmental society, Queens Power Rangers, FC Twente Deck and Two Ball Lonnen Athletic all won their prospective leagues in football 7s, while 50 Shades of Gay, Inter Ya Nan, Sproston Gree, Bocca Seniors and Chamakh My Bitch Up topped their 5 aside football divisions. Intra Mural Netball The highly competitive Intra Mural netball leagues saw Man Soc prevail as winners of the Saturday 10am league, with Medics Netball triumphing in the Saturday 11 am division. Accounting netball won Tuesdays 4-5, preventing Uni Hockey from claiming a hat trick of championships, while Hot Shots topped the league on Tuesdays 5-6. Intra Mural Hockey The Pink Panthers topped the intramural hockey table in Group A, with the Agrics winning Group B. Intra Mural Rugby Cheeky ladies won the intramural league by 3 points, with the Agrics finishing second. However, the Agrics got their revenge in the cup, prevailing 13-8 over Cheeky Ladies to take home the silverware.
INSIDE: RIO WORLD CUP SPECIAL
PAGE 36+37: Peculiar player picks for the summer
PAGE 38: Is Rio reliable?