www.thecourieronline.co.uk Monday 24 February 2014 Issue 1286 Free
The Independent Voice of Newcastle Students
SQUEAL OF FORTUNE Forget Paul the Octopus, we have Babushka and Fizziwig p.37
BOW DOWN TO ME p.26
Est 1948
GETTING THRIFTY WITH YOU p.15
Stan Calvert 2014: Lucky number seven?
Government clampdown on uni fines By Anna Templeton News Editor More than 170 universities and higher education institutions have been contacted by the Office of Fair Trading (OFT) to warn that the practice of denying students’ right to graduate due to non-academic fines could be a breach of consumer law. Non-academic fines include late library books, accommodation charges, damage fines and childcare services, and higher education centres commonly stop students graduating if these fees are unpaid. A complaint by the National Union of Students (NUS) prompted an investigation by the OFT which found that approximately 75 per cent of institutions
had provisions to prevent students from graduating or moving on to the next year of their course over unpaid nontuition fee debts. The regulator has now written to the
with more than £100 of debt are prevented from attended the graduation awards ceremony, but not “prevented from graduating.” When asked about whether it is fair
“It is unfair to the wider community of students to retain books and increase University costs, and so reduce the budget for new books” institutions urging them to review their rules and practices and revise them where necessary. A spokesperson from Newcastle University explained how the University provided information about debt regulations to the OFT and are now reviewing future practices. Newcastle students
for students to be penalised for nonacademic debts in light of rising tuition fees, the University responded: “Clearly not, but equally it is unfair to the wider community of students to retain books and increase University costs, and so reduce the budget for new books.” However, the OFT has said that the
“blanket use” of academic sanctions could be a breach of consumer protection law. They also expressed particular concern “that some terms allow the university to impose sanctions on students even when they owe small amounts or a debt is disputed.” Emily Waller, Welfare and Equality Office in the Students’ Union, told The Courier she felt the punishments are too harsh.“The sanctions are completely disproportionate. Stopping students from graduating because they haven’t paid library fees, for example, when they’re already thousands of pounds in debt from tuition fees, is ridiculous.” Recent Newcastle graduate and MA student Tom Nicholson said how he felt the sanctions were trivial, adding that “given how much I gave to the University, in monetary and contributory terms,
I can’t believe they would be so petty to stop people having their own individual day of glory.” Nisha Arora, from the OFT, said some universities had different approaches to the issue and others needed to change their approach: “Preventing progression or graduation not only affects students’ educational experience but could also significantly harm their future employment prospects and ability to pay off their debts.” A Universities UK spokesman said the organisation would “work with the OFT to build a fuller understanding of the concerns they have raised”. NUS, which took the complaint to the OFT in July last year, said it welcomed the move. Continued on page 4
News
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Monday 24 February 2014
News Editors: Anna Templeton and James Simpson Deputy News Editor: Sabine Kucher and Emily Keen courier.news@ncl.ac.uk | @TheCourier_News
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STROLLS IN THE TOON Newcastle graduate’s walking tour business through the city
COMMENT
9 10 SPORT
MENS BAR DEBATE We consider the closing of the SU’s only student bar
SPICY HOT NEWS
A satirical swipe at the world’s affairs
36 39
WINTER OLYMPICS We take a look at the best bits of Sochi
RUGBY DEFEAT Rugby 1sts lose to Leeds team
“One person with a belief is equal to ninety-nine who only have interests”
Traumatic t-
Crime
- John Stuart Mill
Caught on tape
Politics
Going under cover
Authorities in Kazakhstan have detained several women protesting against a ban on lace underwear. Production, import and sale of lace underwear will stop in July 2014 in Kazakhstan, Russia and Belarus. The regulation was approved back in 2011, but has not been enforced until now. Seven women were held at the demonstration in Almaty. Apparently officials have dismissed the racy undies saying lace does not ‘absorb enough moisture’.
Sport
Militia Russian in
Cossack militia have been seen to violently break up protest band Pussy Riot’s protest over the Sochi Winter Olympics. The militia used whips, batons and pepper spray. The band was dispersed with their guitar being smashed and disposed of by the authorities, whilst photographers were also targeted. The protest adds to further controversies Aaron Morton surrounding the Sochi Winter Olympics and the Russian Government.
Jack Parker
Entertainment
No mean sweet
After creating mammoth-sized sweet creations, 31 year old Pete Wilcock form Edinburgh created a website, pimpmysnack.com, where people could post and share their own massive sweet creations, highlights include a 3.3kg giant Crème Egg , complete with its own giant foil wrapper, as well as a giant Snickers bar.
NUSU, King’s Walk, Newcastle upon Tyne, NE1 8QB. Tel: 0191 239 3940
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Community
A woman has been arrested in South Carolina for a nine-year overdue video rental. 27-year old Kayla Finney went into a police station to report a crime only to be arrested for the rental. She was detained and held overnight, Ms Finney was said to be unhappy, saying “This is a bogus charge and everyone knows it.”
A royal high five High grade policTinie Tempah high-fived future monarch Prince William during his performance at last week’s BAFTA Film Awards. He high-fived the Prince whilst running along the front row performing his new single ‘Heroes’. On being asked why he high-fived the royal, Tinie responded, “It was great, I just saw him and I thought, ‘Why not?’.”
French Police have reported inadvertently getting high from the fumes of seized cannabis in Roubaix Police station in northern France. According to one officer, “Already on the ground floor it smells a bit. But on the first floor, the odour is really strong. When you go there, you clearly smell the weed. And after a day, you are stoned.”
A bit of a turn off... Richard Kaby (Flickr)
Bye bye beardy
Insomniacs will be pleased to know that scientists at Oxford University believe that they have discovered the ‘switch’ in the brain that tells our bodies when to go to sleep. The switch, a ‘homeostat’ can tell when a person has been awake for too long, firing the mechanism that tells the body to go to sleep.
Harnaam Kaur has decided that her beard makes her feel sexier, and has decided to stop fighting the facial hair. She started growing hair at the age of 11, and kept it at bay until she converted to Sikhism aged 16, when she decided to let her body, and beard hair grow. “All that matters to me at the moment is that I love myself. I love my beard and all my other little quirks.”
1000 Anuncios... (flickr)
Community
Kitty kitty bang bang
Science
Health and Beauty Consumer
A mother upset over the number of ‘indecent’ t-shirts in a Utah store has bought all of them at a cost of $567. Judy Cox was so dismayed that she bought all of the shirts in the PacSun store in Orem, Utah, in order to get them removed from shelves. She plans to return all of the shirts towards the end of the store’s 60-day returns period.
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Students joined by Haile Gebrselassie on an 8K run
In
RUNNING AWAY
Wise Words:
Trade
m
e h t
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NEWS
The Courier
Dara Taylor, of Ohio, has recalled rescuing a kitten that she found frozen to the road, with its eyes frozen shut. She managed to rescue it from the road and took it to a nearby animal rescue centre. The kitten, now named ‘Frosty’ is making a full recovery.
Sign of the times
High aspiraCalifornia woman Blondie Bennett has taken some extreme steps to become a human version of one of the bestknown children’s dolls in the world. As well as having FIVE breast augmentations alongside other surgery, Bennett has had hypnotherapy to reduce her IQ, “I just want to be the ultimate Barbie. I actually want to be brainless.”
Liz Henry. (flickr)
Editor George Sandeman Deputy Editor Tom Nicholson Web Editor Ben Brown News Editors Anna Templeton and James Simpson Deputy News Editors Sabine Kucher and Emily Keen Comment Editors Lydia Carroll and Joe Wood Deputy Comment Editor Victoria Armstrong Culture Editor Sam Summers Lifestyle Editors Evie O’Sullivan, Elizabeth Archer, Hazel Parnell and Katie Smith Fashion Editors Amy O’Rourke and Frances Stephenson Deputy Fashion Editors Rebekah Finney Beauty Editors Amy Macauley and Safiya Ahmed Arts Editors Millie Walton and Charlie Dearnley Deputy Arts Editor Laura Wotton Film Editors Muneeb Hafiz and Jacob Crompton-Schreiber Music Editors Kate Bennett and Ian Mason TV Editor Beth Durant Deputy TV Editor Helen Daly Science Editor Lizzie Hampson Deputy Science Editors Peter Style and Emad Ahmed Sports Editors Nick Gabriel, Freddie Caldwell and Francesca Fitzsimmons Copy Editors Lucy Davis, Emma Broadhouse and Megan Ayres
The Courier is printed by: Print and Digital Associates, Fernleigh House, 10 Uttoxeter Road, Derby, Derbyshire, United Kingdom, DE3 0DA. Established in 1948, The Courier is the fully independent student newspaper of the Students’ Union at Newcastle University. The Courier is published weekly during term time, and is free of charge. The design, text, photographs and graphics are copyright of The Courier and its individual contributors. No parts of this newspaper may be reproduced without the prior permission of the Editor. Any views expressed in this newspaper’s opinion pieces are those of the individual writing, and not of The Courier, the Students’ Union or Newcastle University.
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Monday 24 February 2014
Enactus entrepreneurs prepare to take on finest in national final By Adam Martin
HIGH HOPES: Enactus Newcastle will be pitching their business projects to graduate recruiters in April. Image: ENACTUS
The Enactus society are hoping to compete in a national enterprise competition at Canary Wharf, London this April. Enactus organises social enterprise projects in the local area and overseas in Kenya and Rwanda. The group will first compete in a regional contest on 13 March, against Enactus societies from Leeds, Teeside, Durham and Sheffield Universities. They will be judged on the quality of their current business projects. If successful at the regional heat, Newcastle will go through to the two-day national competition, held at Canary Wharf between 14-15 April. The event will involve three rounds, which will be judged by bosses from graduate recruiters such as KPMG and Unilever. Enactus Newcastle are hoping to better their 2013 performance, which saw them knocked out in the semi-finals by eventual winners, Southampton University. Corporate Relations Executive for the Newcastle team, Louise Corbett acknowledges the tough nature of the competition, but views good preparation as the key to success. She said: “If we can prepare well, we should have a really good chance”. In addition to their competition preparation, Enactus are also busy with their various business enterprise projects. Locally, they are working in Wooler, an area that is suffering economically
due to young people leaving the community in search of work. The society are currently setting up business workshops there which will aim to teach local people how to set up businesses in rural communities. They are most active in Rwanda, where a multitude of their projects are helping victims of genocide. Enactus are also working in Kenya, where they are helping a village of women to create a business model for ecotourism. As a relatively small group in comparison to societies from other Universities, Enactus are keen to recruit more students to help on their projects. President of the Newcastle Enactus society, Charlotte Turner stated, “we need people, we need bodies”. Corporate Relations Executive, Louise Corbett furthered this point, saying, “it’s not a massive society but there are a lot of dedicated people involved”. The society’s main priority is their projects. However, they also believe that they offer a brilliant opportunity for students to obtain work experience on top of their degrees. Charlotte Turner supported this by saying “you’re really ‘amping up’ your CV, but when you combine that with the chance to meet graduate recruiters, it can be invaluable”. On Thursday 27 March, the society will be practicing for the competition, and would like to invite anybody interested in joining to come along. Email c.k.turner@ncl.ac.uk or visit their Facebook page at www.facebook.com/enactusnewcastle for more information.
Star Singh reaches final round of Apprentice By Emily Keen Deputy News Editor After a gruelling set of interviews, Newcastle University’s Tasha Singh breaks through to the final round of The Apprentice. Billed as the “job interview from hell” candidates compete for £250,000 investment in a business of their own creation, with Lord Sugar as a 50 per cent owner. The series is now in its tenth “It was the series and is attracting a greater nummost nerve ber of applicants wracking than ever. thing I have This year, 35,000 candidates applied ever done” for a place on The Apprentice of which 75 were chosen for interviews in Manchester and Birmingham. Tasha Singh, a third year Politics student here at Newcastle University, broke through a further cut to 50 candidates, but stumbled at the final hurdle. Singh described the interview as “the most nerve wracking thing I have ever done” but she adds that the process has provided her with “a great platform for future interviews”. Interviews for The Apprentice are notorious for being brutal and cut throat. After being told, “nothing on her CV was impressive” Singh was given just 30 seconds to sell her self. The process also involved group assessment and ap-
‘WATCH’ OUT SUGAR: The infamous boardroom has seen the rise and fall many competitors. Image: Youtube plicants were made to pitch a business idea to impress the panel. The judges include: Karren Brady, Vice Chairman of West Ham United FC and winner of Britain’s most influential woman award; Nick Hewer, PR tycoon and an integral part of Amstrad management; and of course, the legendary Sir Alan Sugar. Tasha Singh faced the formidable panel, earlier this month completing two
out of three rounds but as one of the youngest applicants was told she was “not established enough”. Always an entrepreneur, Singh applied for a place on the junior apprentice as a child, she missed out on an interview but says a business head is “in the family”. Wasting no time after The Apprentice this year, Singh was approached by a European investor impressed by her pitch on speciality watches. To Singh,
a watch signifies a lot and she says: “If you’re going to buy someone a watch it has to be special.” Although hoping to pursue the idea with some local jewellers, Singh’s watches will remain for now, something on the side. Singh told The Courier that she won’t apply again but that she got what she wanted out of the application process: “contacts and experience” adding that
she feels “lucky and blessed to have got so far”. The application process provided Singh with confidence for future interviews and an exciting business opportunity, she urges anyone with an idea to apply, saying, “It’s an incredibly worthwhile experience”. For the time being Singh plans to concentrate on finishing her degree before pursuing a career in accountancy.
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Monday 24 February 2014
The Courier
Research pushes for “infant-led” parenting By Sophia McBride A Newcastle researcher has been involved in exploring the relationship between early parenting behaviour and breastfeeding duration. While 78 per cent of women in England start breastfeeding, new collaborative research between Newcastle and Swansea University indicates that mothers who choose to follow strict parenting routines for sleep and feeding in early infancy are less likely to breastfeed their baby or to stop in the first few weeks. Dr Bronia Arnott from the Institute of Health and Society at Newcastle University and Dr Amy Brown from Swansea University carried out the research, surveying 508 mothers with “following strict a baby aged under one year old. routines was The research associated examined behavwith stopping iour such as the of routines for breastfeeding use sleep and feeding, in the first few beliefs about responding quickly weeks” to their infant’s cries, feelings of anxiety about their baby, and breastfeeding duration. “My particular interests are in the health of infants, children, young people and their families. I developed a collaboration with Dr Amy Brown at Swansea University due to shared interests in infancy and parenting. We
are both passionate about ensuring that parents receive accurate information and support to help them in what can be a difficult, but very important, role. “Our collaboration began with the development of the parenting styles instrument which was used in this study and we are involved in a number of other ongoing related-research projects together,” she said. The researchers found that mothers who report adopting a responsive approach to early parenting, following the baby’s cues for feeding and sleeping and responding quickly to infant cries, are much more likely to start breastfeeding and continue to do so. “Alternatively, following strict routines was associated with stopping breastfeeding in the first few weeks. It is hoped that the research will lead to a more child-focused practice. “As mothers to four young children ourselves, Amy and I know that there is a lot of advice given to new parents - but as scientists we know that this is not always evidence-based and we want to address this, so that parents are able to make informed decisions,” Dr Arnott said. “We hope that parents will see the value in adopting a more infant-led approach and that there would be an associated rise in rates of breastfeeding initiation and continuation. “We know that breastfeeding has important health implications for both mother and child.” Dr Annott added that governmental support is crucial. “We recognise that
HOWAY IN A MANGER: The study surveyed over 500 mothers about parenting. Image: Jon Ovington an infant-led approach can be perceived as challenging and that some parents may require extra support to help them
achieve this. “We want to disseminate our research to practitioners and policy makers to
ensure that they are aware of the evidence and to enable parents to receive necessary support.”
“I think I would have to take it up with the VC. I’m sure he could lend me a few pennies!” Continued from front page The NUS also said some universities used such conditions to delay graduation due to such debts as parking or library fines. The NUS’s Vice-President for Welfare, Colum McGuire, said: “I’m delighted to see that the OFT has responded to our complaints and confirmed that this practice is incredibly unfair, which is what NUS has “Students who been saying all owe money for along. This victory would not accommodahave been postion, overdue sible without the support from library books student officers or other nonand advisers in academic debt students’ unions should certainly across the counpay off the mon- try. “It’s almost ey they owe, but laughable that students who this sanction in thousands was dispropor- are of pounds of tionate” tuition fee debt were having academic sanctions placed on them for money owed for non-academic debt. “Students who owe money for accommodation, overdue library books or other non-academic debt should certainly pay off the money they owe, but this sanction was disproportionate, and actually made it more difficult for students to repay by restricting access to student support or making it more difficult to secure employment in an already challenging job market.
“Universities that prevent students with accommodation arrears or overdue library fines from obtaining their degree, or enrolling in another year of study, now need to review their policies and put in place more sensible ways of helping students and graduates to pay off any debts.” The OFT initially contacted 124 Universities UK members to seek copies of their rules over non-academic fines. Of these, 115 replied and about 75 per cent were found to use such a system. Emily Waller advised students at Newcastle who may be affected by such issues to seek advice to pay off debts: “Debts are debts regardless of tuition fee prices and if you are using a service, you need to abide by its conditions. Debts should of course be paid off, but that doesn’t make these kind of sanctions any less disproportionate,” she added. “I would encourage students to visit the Student Advice Centre if they are experiencing these kind of financial difficulties, as we have a fully-trained Financial Advisor who can help them with any problems they might be having, and represent students separately from the University.” Joe Wood, a third year English student, pointed out the monetary cost of a University degree: “Considering I, and pretty much every soon-to-be graduate, have spent 3 years or more to get a degree, costing tens of thousands of pounds, I would be more than slightly irritated that a few pounds owed to the library or accommodation could forfeit my chances. If it were the case, I think I would have to take it up with the ViceChancellor, I’m sure he could lend me a few pennies with that raise of his!”
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Monday 24 February 2014
news.5
Runners Haile gold medal great By Antonia Velikova
Former world record holder Haile Gebrselassie joined two Newcastle University students in an 8K run sponsored by adidas. The event took place in London on 16 February. Tim Davies, Captain of Newcastle University’s Athletics and Cross Country Club, and Rebecca Rigby, a postgraduate Biomedical Sciences student, ran side to side with the Olympic legend throughout the capital. They did a warm-up in St. James’ Park and afterwards set out on a run around some of the other parks in London. They were lucky to have warm weather and shining sun. Haile was described by Tim to be “a great guy, and very funny, too!”
We completed the run in just under 40 minutes.” The 10,000m gold medallist revealed that Berlin was his utmost favourite running location – it’s where he set his marathon world record in 2008 and won the world championship four consecutive times. Haile also said that he finds the Great North Run thoroughly enjoyable, mostly because of the crowd’s amazing support. At the end of the run, after a good warm-down, Haile gave a short albeit very inspirational speech about the benefits that running brings, not just for physical, but also mental health. He also confessed that he finds running for fun difficult, because he likes to put 100% of himself into what he’s doing.
The 10,000m gold medallist revealed that Berlin was his utmost favourite running location - it was where he set his marathon world record He gave his top tips on bettering running techniques, answered questions about his future plans, gave some autographs, and posed for a photo with Tim and Rebecca. “It was a great atmosphere,” Tim recalls. “Everyone was very friendly and just as excited as us to meet Haile. We were lucky enough to run with him most of the way and seeing people’s reactions to this legend running around London was amazing.
“Overall I would say the whole experience was surreal,” Tim Davies said in a summary of his unique experience. “Running around the centre of London, with a legend of the athletics and running world who has achieved so much, is so inspirational especially as he continues to be dedicated to his sport.” And realising how humble and friendly he is, despite his amazing achievements and fame.”
SHINING STARS: Representing Newcastle at the Adidas run in London. Image: Ivan Lazarov
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Monday 24 February 2014
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Graduate strolls through Toon’s history By Sima Nikolajeva A recent graduate has started a new business offering walking tours in Newcastle. A year ago, in January 2013, Alex Iles came up with an idea of launching Iles Tours Newcastle – a company, which nowadays offers a number of tours with Newcastle History walking tour being its sartorial statement. Topics include: Newcastle Brown Ale brewery; Gateshead’s contribution to the founding of Newcastle; why Grey St has such a steep descent; why two of its lanes are called “High Bridge” and “Low Bridge”; what’s special about Mosley St (apart from dozen of vibrant nightlife spots) and why Geordies hate T. Dan Smith – the answers for these and many other arising questions can be found during Alex’s almost two hour long historical tour. “There is so much history here, but people just don’t know about it… so I wanted to be able to show people who have actually been here, to show them how important this city has actually been not just in British history, but also in world history”, explains Alex. “It’s my favourite city and I just love everything about it, so it’s a real pride and joy to help people to look at it from a different angle”, he added.
Use code 0C8F6S3R4L4J for 15% discount on www.ilestours.co.uk
The month preceding the establishment of the company was spent by Alex in libraries doing research and writing his first tour. Interestingly, at that time he was still a Newcastle University student, completing his master’s degree in Innovation, Creativity and Entrepreneurship. “The real benefit of it was being on a course with a lot of people who wanted to set up their own businesses as well and that motivated me”, Alex admits. At first relying on the street promotion campaigns, Alex has then decided to give his initiative a more digital focus and has moved towards the interactive social platforms, which, according to his words, have given a huge boost in the development of his enterprise and helped to get in touch with schools and universities. “A lot of work has been done with Newcastle University so far.” For all Newcastle University students, planning on starting their own businesses, Alex’s advice is: “Find your passion and just give it a go. Your business will only work if you love it. “And never give up, no matter how hard the beginning is.” Alex considers analytical skills and the ability to study as the crucial features one can acquire through education, which, nevertheless, should never be put above practical aspects: “You can learn the theoretical finance and marketing in a seminar and a lecture, but it’s not until you go and say “Hello, my name is Alex and I’m…”, he claims. “My dream is to have a tour company covering the major cities of the North East and a couple of big towns”, Alex
SERVICE WITH A SMILE: The walking tour takes place come rain or shine. Image: Sima Nikolajeva admits as talking about the future perspectives. As for now, he is dedicated to
“building the business slowly and steadily, trying to get working with schools
and universities and, hopefully, getting involved in a couple of festivals.”
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news.7
Monday 24 February 2014
Students saving la Lemur loco By Antonia Velikova
Young researchers from Newcastle University have recently returned from an environment awareness expedition in Africa. Initially, Rachel Blow, Jessica Fisher, Donna Wintersgill, Camilla Blasi Foglietti and Rachel Cornfoot were meant to go to Madagascar and study two particular endangered lemur species. However, due to a breakdown in security in the South of Madagascar, the research team was strongly advised to change locations. “We threw a years worth of planning out of the window,” explained team member Rachel Blow, “and we set about trying to find a new research site - hopping in and out of internet cafes whilst travelling around an African Island!” Fortunately, the issue was resolved quickly, and the team ended up visiting Tampolo Forest in the North East of the island. Despite the sudden change of plans, the research turned out to be very important. The area’s flora and fauna had been greatly disturbed by the amount of illegal logging, which caused many problems for Tampolo Forest’s entire ecosystem. The researchers had set out to investigate 5 species of nocturnal lemurs, but found no traces from two of these – the aye-aye and sportive lemurs. Based on their immediate observations, they believed this was the result of human disturbance to their habitat. Although
the team’s data analysis has not yet been completed, they are sure that unless something changes drastically in the villagers’ attitude towards Tampolo Forest, its inhabitants will continue to suffer. “Once in the field, we found that the expedition would need to be more human-oriented than originally thought,” Rachel Blow said. “This was because the main threats on the forest were due to human disturbance; however it was not as simple as saying ‘do not do this anymore’ because the forest is all these people have, it is their livelihoods.” The group believe that the most important outcome of their study is the discovery of more lemurs than they had initially anticipated. The young researchers are hoping that they will manage to, in collaboration with Antananarivo University, promote tourism and engage public interest in the Tampolo area. They believe that if they manage to get this to generate more income for the local villagers, then the forest and its inhabitants will be undisturbed. Dr Peter Garson, former lecturer at Newcastle University, talked about the young researchers’ experience. He said: “Their energy and self-belief is to be wondered at, but so is their developing professionalism in all their preparations. And they collected some First Class Honours degrees in July in the midst of all these. These are truly gifted people who are doing great credit to
WHY AYE-AYE MAN: The nocturnal lemurs were the main focus of research. Images: Rachel Blow Newcastle University.” “The team worked very well together, including the 3 Malagasy students that
joined the team, to produce some excellent results,” Rachel commented. “Although nerves got a little frayed at
times, we all came home as friends after a highly rewarding, adventurous experience. Can’t wait for our next one!”
Recent floods risk droughts By Sophia McBride Despite recent floods, Newcastle academics warn that the country could shut down due to general water shortages. A team of academics from Newcastle and Oxford University say climate change could force coal and gas-fired power stations to shut down during droughts. Edward Byers, Postgraduate Researcher in Infrastructure Systems at Newcastle University, said: “It is difficult to fathom that we should start to think about water shortages in the middle of these storms but only two years ago areas of Britain were suffering from severe droughts. “Other countries are already facing pressures between water and energy supplies and have found, in some circumstances, that the electricity supply system is consuming and dependent upon large volumes of water, that could otherwise be used in other sectors such as agriculture and public water supply.” Byers, with Newcastle colleague and Professor Jim Hall, director of the Environmental Change Institute at Oxford University, has been studying the impact on water of the government’s proposed different energy “pathways” taken from the 2011 Carbon Plan. “We asked ourselves the question: how much water is the electricity system currently using and how much will it use in these different scenarios put forwards to 2050?
“Our power stations in the UK are currently quite efficient when it comes to water use, however, the government has plans going forward to de-carbonize the electricity system in order to meet climate change targets. “Some of the proposed technologies, such as carbon capture and storage, may result in up to a doubling of fresh water consumption.” Byers warned of the need for an efficient future-proof electricity system. “Given that the Government has plans for the development of new electricity generation capacity, and that typically power stations have a lifetime of 40 years, we need to make sure that we have an electricity system that uses water efficiently and is also resilient to the potential impacts of climate change,” he said. The academic paper concluded that a renewable power technology, with a consequent reduction of other more water-intensive power systems, could result in fresh water consumption falling in the electricity sector by about 60%. “Pathways with higher levels of renewables, use lower levels of fresh water and sea water, which may be favourable given the expected impacts of a growing population and climate change on the UK’s water resources,” he said. Byers revealed the onus on government policy. “The regulators need to ensure that our future electricity system uses water efficiently, is low carbon, while keeping costs down for consumers.”
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Monday 24 February 2014
The Courier
NEWS STACK ‘Sugar baby’ numbers soar
ALL SYSTEMS SLOW: Uni network repeatedly down across campus. Image: Emily Keen
Job Title: Newcastle Work Experience Fashion Blog Writer Employer: Kings and Dukes Closing date: 23/02/2014 Salary: £600 bursary Basic job description: Kings and Dukes is a designer clothing shop situated in Whitley Bay, selling men’s and children’s designer clothing for the past 24 years. We have a newly created website and are seeking a talented individual to write a weekly fashion blog highlighting trends, our latest products and features. The role will also include writing press releases and articles for the brand. Person requirements: We are seeking an individual with a passion for blogging and social media, and an interest in fashion. You should have excellent written and communications skills, with the ability and time to write a 250 - 500 word blog per week. Working hours are flexible. Location: Working from home (occasional meetings in Whitley Bay required). Job Title: NCS Sessional Worker Vacancies Employer: Catch 22 Closing date: 20/06/2014 Salary: £7.33 per hour Basic job description: National Citizen Service (NCS) provides young people in Years 11 and 12 from all backgrounds, and with varying abilities, with the opportunity and support to take on new challenges, learn new skills and make a difference. You will be responsible for working directly with young people to support their development and progression through each stage of the NCS. Person requirements: Experience of working directly with young people presenting violent and challenging behaviour and experience of leading the planning, delivery and evaluation of activities for and with young people. Able to work within a flexible timetable as this post requires working evenings, weekends and during school holidays. Location: North East Job Title: Sales & Retentions Advisor Part Time Employer: NRG Closing date: 10/03/2014 Salary: £7.14 per hour Basic job description: The role involves working as part of a large team handling both inbound and outbound customer calls. You will deal with various customer enquiries, explain details on their account and
be able to understand different customer requirements. You will be responsible for promoting business products and services to customers and retaining customer accounts. Person requirements: You should have proven customer service experience in order to apply. Due to the nature of the role candidates must be able to pass a credit check and provide satisfactory references. This role will also be subject to a Basic Disclosure. Location: Cobalt Business Park Job Title: Shop Assistant Employer: Rehill’s of Jesmond Closing date: 06/03/2014 Salary: Minimum wage applies. Basic job description: General shop duties to include: replenishing stock, handling cash, occasional lifting of heavy goods. Person requirements: Need to be punctual, reliable and living in the local area for the full academic term. Should be available to start ASAP. Location: Jesmond Job Title: Waiting Staff Employer: Café Rouge Closing date: 05/05/2014 Salary: Competitive Basic job description: Café Rouge is the UK’s premier French café brand with a broad all day offering of classic French dishes and wines. We are looking for committed, passionate and enthusiastic waiting team members to join our restaurant. Training will be given if you are successful. Person requirements: As a member of the Café Rouge Waiting Team, you will ideally have experience on the floor in a similar restaurant environment. You will be a team player who really believes that the customer experience is not just something that happens at the table and that every member of the team is just as important as everyone else. Location: Gateshead Job Title: Customer Service Advisor Part Time Employer: AA Closing date: 06/04/2014 Salary: £7.90 per hour Basic job description: We are currently recruiting for part time staff to work in our Member Retention Section. The department is often the first point of contact for most members who have a query regarding their membership; they may want to do something as simple as change their name
and/or address, upgrade their existing package or make a complaint. Person requirements: Looking for a career that you can fit around your study commitments? Are you a determined person who loves to have goals to achieve? Do you find it easy to engage others and build rapport? If yes, then why not apply for a job with the AA! Location: Newcastle upon Tyne Job Title: Male Personal Assistant Employer: Disability North Closing date: 04/03/2014 Salary: £8.50 per hour Basic job description: A Male Personal Assistant is required to work 6-9 hours per week supporting a 33 year old man. You will assist with various social and educational activities. The posts are most suitable for enthusiastic and motivated individuals, who have an interest in sport. Person requirements: You must have a sense of humour and be flexible around working hours. Driver preferred. Posts are subject to CRB checks and references. Location: Newcastle upon Tyne Job Title: Newcastle Work Experience Online Marketing Assistant Employer: North East Access to Finance Closing date: 23/02/2014 Salary: £600 bursary Basic job description: North East Access to Finance (NEA2F) acts as a signpost for local businesses to sources of finance and support in the region. In addition, NEA2F are working to develop new sources of public investment funding that will become available to the regions SMEs. The purpose of the placement will be to contribute to, and manage certain areas of a project designed to increase traffic to both NEA2F websites. Person requirements: Previous experience or knowledge of SEO and Google Analytics is essential and proficiency in MS Excel, PowerPoint, and Word is required. Attention to detail is crucial in this role along with strong organizational, project management and time keeping skills. Experience of working with CMS and building/administering content in CMS environments (particularly WordPress) is desired. Location: Gateshead
Numbers of ‘Sugar Babies’ have soared following the increase in undergraduates in the UK, according to recent statistics. ‘Fastest Growing Sugar Baby Schools’, a poll, which tracks new university student signups to ‘Sugar Daddy’ dating services in the UK, reported a more than 50% increase in signups when compared to the previous year. The University of Kent experienced the fastest growth in students seeking to pay off debts by looking for profitable arrangements.
Other top ten entries include the universities of Nottingham, Cambridge, Manchester and St. Andrews. ‘Sugar Daddy’ websites featured heavily in media last year. The aim of these services is to arrange ‘mutually beneficent rel a t i o n s h i p s’ with wealthy clients, who pay ‘sponsor money’ to ‘Sugar Babies’. One of the biggest ‘Sugar Daddy’ websites, SeekingArrangement, has claimed recently that more than one million students worldwide have signed up to ‘Sugar Daddy’ websites.
Durham considering change Controversy has engulfed Durham University’s student body in response to new proposed centralisation policies dubbed Briefing 6. According to official documents, the changes will happen in two phases. The first one will increase the power of upper university m an age me nt to review and monitor operations in both Ac c om m o d a tion and Commercial Services and Estates Operation departments and will be completed midFebruary. The second one will consist of a review process to “identify and implement new ways of working and improve flexibility, effi-
ciency, and effectiveness.” JCR Presidents Council released a letter to the Vice-Chancellor Chris Higgins, claiming that the policy would be “a significant threat to the collegiate system; a system, which, ultimately, encapsulates everything that is fantastic and unique about Durham University.” Briefing 6 also included several areas that needed additional improvement in the colleges. However, the authors were quick to add that the college experience is an important part of the ‘Durham Experience’ and must be protected.
Snowden elected rector
Students at St. Andrews have elected US whistleblower Edward Snowden as rector. Snowden’s win of the ballot at Glasgow University was revealed on Tuesday. The analyst beat former champion cyclist Graeme Obree, author Alan Bissett and the Rev Kelvin Holdsworth in the race for rector. The rector is expected to represent students’ issues to senior management although sometimes students elect not working rectors. Snowden became a wanted man when he
Images: Julian Pons, Alexa Wilson, McZusatz
leaked information that exposed widespread US surveillance of phone and internet communications. He is currently in exile in Russia, where he has been granted temporary asylum. Mr Snowden succeeds former Liberal Democrat leader Charles Kennedy, while previous rectors include Winnie Mandela and Mordechai Vanunu. “Of course I’m honoured as a Glasgow University student to be able to say now Edward Snowden is our rector - I think that’s pretty amazing,” says Lubna Nowak of the group which had nominated Mr. Snowden.
Antonia Velikova
The Courier
.9
Monday 24 February 2014
Comment thecourieronline.co.uk/comment
Comment Editors: Joe Wood and Lydia Carroll Deputy Comment Editor: Victoria Armstrong courier.comment@ncl.ac.uk | @Courier_Comment
Mens Bar: coffee agitat beer? Mens Bar is struggling financially. With the future of the bar in doubt, and students seemingly drinking less than ever due to heavy fee-hikes, we asked six writers: should Mensbar be reinvented as a cafe?
YES
If Mens bar were to close, it might well upset a few people - but I think it could be a good thing. We already spend most of our weekdays and half of our weekends in or around campus, so why should we want to spend our free time there too? Rather than going down to the Union and Mens Bar for a drink we should be more adventurous. Go find a quaint or characterful pub or bar in the heart of Newcastle, drink the local drinks and drink in your surroundings. We shouldn’t isolate ourselves as students from the people and city around us, but should rather embrace the locals and their culture. After all, we’re in their city! Would you rather spend another monotonous day in Mens Bar on tacky plastic chairs and sticky plastic floors watching questionable and trashy music videos on repeat, or go out and find somewhere new? Rob Shannon
YES
‘There are loads of pubs on Percy Street if you’re desperate’
Done well, the plans to turn Mens Bar into a café could be great. It’s not hard to see why the establishment has been losing money recently: when you’re a busy student on a quick lunch hour between lectures, you don’t want to hang around waiting for your Four Pound Feed to be ready – you’re just going to get a Subway or a Dominos. A revamped café on union premises, offering grab ‘n’ go warm baguettes, wraps and sand-
wiches (not the god-awful chilled ones they flog in the union shop or Campus Coffee) at competitive prices would be much more likely to do good business than Mens Bar in its present state. Yes, the union would be short a bar, but we’re lucky enough that our campus is in the city centre – if you’re that desperate for a pint of lager at midday, there are loads of pubs on Percy Street. Kate Bennett
NO
It would be a travesty to allow our students’ union to shift away from having a primarily alcohol-led bar, though admittedly the design of the bar itself doesn’t help. The main problem is the fact that it’s so entirely adequate: students, as a rule, tend to be averse to places which are bright, clean and easy to wipe down at the end of the night. It doesn’t feel like a place to spend time drinking and eating; it feels rather too hygienic for that. Perhaps the way forward for Mens Bar is to scuff its metaphorical boxfresh trainers a bit: put in a dodgy mushroomcoloured carpet, pour some molasses on there to give the appropriate sticky-floored ambience, block out a few windows and watch the trade roll in. On a more serious note, by comparison to other students’ unions we’re rolling in the proverbial: a couple of other big Northern unis’ union bars have recorded losses spiralling into the hundreds of thousands of pounds. Mens Bar does still turn a profit. A radical change isn’t really needed. A few tweaks here and there, yes - some way of taking control of the jukebox would be a muchneeded start - but no knee-jerk café-overhauls which might shove students away from Mens Bar completely. I needs me pints. Tom Nicholson
Where did everyone go?
Image: Lydia Carroll/Joe Wood
NO
YES
I fully understand that Mens Bar is a convenient meeting place, and also an easy and relatively cheap place to get a drink. However, I don’t think it would be such a bad thing if it closed. Many students can’t afford to go for a drink between lectures and those who can are usually clever enough to realise that it probably isn’t the most productive thing to do. During the day most of the people you see in Mens Bar are meeting friends or eating their Subways, rather than spending lots of their money at the bar. Perhaps the solution should be a bigger focus on making good better than on selling cheap(ish) drinks. You just need to look at the queues that form outside Subway and Domino’s to see what people want, and that’s good food cooked quickly - and at £5 for a single pizza, they’re clearly willing to pay for it. Mens Bar should expand it’s food options if it wants to compete with it’s fast-food rivals.
‘I’m not quite that willing to give up on cheap after-lecture pints’
Even though I’ve only been here since September, I honestly can’t bring myself to imagine the Union without the Mens Bar. Why would we need another café? Sure, change is always good, and if Mens Bar’s sustainability is flaking, then by all means, something should be done. But opening another Campus Coffee/Costa/ Starbucks/Bistro/Cafe 22 when there’s already clearly plenty of these in and around campus seems all but pointless to me.
Mens Bar is the one place on campus where you can meet up with your friends after the last 5pm lecture and have a celebratory pint. Mens Bar is also the only place on campus where you can get a drink until midnight. Or, to sum it up, although the name should be pretty self-explanatory, Mens Bar is the only currently active bar on campus. And I for one am not quite that willing to give up on cheap after-lecture pints so easily. Antonia Velikova
THE VERDICT: YES (JUST ABOUT) Image: epSos.de, pint: Simon Cocks
NO
I know it isn’t making enough money, and I know it isn’t the average student’s favourite place to get a drink. Yet, after the millions of pounds pumped into developing the SU as we know it now, the potential non-existence of Mens Bar is perplexing. Every student’s union should, and probably does, have some kind of bar. Drinking and students go hand in hand, and so it makes sense that the main congregation point on campus should at least have somewhere you can get a pint. The problems Mens Bar currently suffers are less to do with an issue of supply and demand, and more to do with the bar’s business model. That is: in my opinion there is often little atmosphere, they play piss-poor music through below average speakers, and it’s not – in comparison to most student unions – really that cheap. With these issues sorted out, the money would flow in. Freddie Watson
Whilst not everyone agrees about the necessity of access to a pint at 11 am, everyone did seem to agree about one thing: that Mens Bar in its current form is overdue a reinvention. With the exception of Antonia, even those in favour of it remaining a bar agreed that some kind of refurbishment would be necessary before Mens Bar really appealed to them. Perhaps it’s simply as Kate argued; that what increasingly tuition fee-stricken students want at midday is a good cafe with fast, high quality food. So long, after-lecture pints - you will be missed.
Rob Shannon
10.comment
SOAP BOX
Monday 24 Feburary 2014
Ukraine: my perspective
With the death tolls of the Ukrainian riots reaching unprecedented levels, we hear from a Newcastle student and Ukraine national on their view.
BIZZLE Justin Bieber has changed his name to Bizzle. I do not care about this. Other people do not care about this. So why on earth is this irrelevant, useless piece of information given such attention? Well it certainly isn’t because of the fans, they’re too busy listening to his awful music and smelling his piss-like-perfume. It is because of the haters. It’s common knowledge that ‘there is no such thing as bad publicity’. It has been for years, all of the “naughty” things our bad-boy-Bizzle has been doing lately are for those reasons entirely – he wants the attention, it makes him money. You heard it here first but this “retirement”? Justin is kicking arse and taking names and generally making himself out to be a white, weak Chris Brown in order to reboot his career as a rapper and a certified rebel. Watch this space because twat-features will be back within the decade. Stop hating on these idiots, indulge your indifference and go and buy a pasty or something instead.
The Courier
Maksym Zherebkin
I
am a second year PhD student at Newcastle and I am Ukrainian by nationality. I have been deeply saddened by the continued killings of the unarmed protesters in Kiev. I am also very much aware that due to the fact that my parents back home are university lecturers, I am in the privileged position to be able to come to the UK and do a postgraduate degree. The majority of Ukrainians are not. A survey from 2012 shows that 77% of Ukrainians have never been abroad. The country is one of the poorest in Europe with 42.2% of annual income spent on food (Poland’s figure is 20.4%, Germany is 11.4% and UK is 8.9%). The enthusiasm of the people fighting against the armed police at the streets of Kiev is amazing and deserves encouragement. One also needs to consider extreme naivety in expectations and chal-
lenges that lie ahead of Ukraine’s road to Europe. However, I still do believe that people do have the right to democratically decide the future of their country. It is a great misfortune that dozens of the young people who have been killed were denied to have a future by their government. As an aspiring sociologist, I do think that Ukraine
“People have the right to democratically decide the future of their country”
may belong to a different set of ontologies than the majority of the European countries, one that can be characterised by a historical belonging to the cultural tradition of Orthodox Christianity. Questions of cultural identity and belonging are always among those that require discussion and debate; there are no clear-cut boundaries or easy solutions in this respect. I do consider myself privileged to come abroad and learn the culture of the UK through research and work experience. I also think that the UK may be interested in cross-cultural exchanges between young people and students from the parts of Europe outside the EU like Ukraine in order to take a lead part in the fast changing global environment. We do not yet fully understand what kind of Europe lies ahead of us in 20-30 years’ time and whether the UK and Ukraine will belong to it. But what we all would probably agree on is to the need for each and every citizen to be able to have a say on which road they, their nation, and countrymen and women should take; and what that expected destination should be.
David Leighton
WWE-NUFC The greatest rumour in the history of rumours emerged last week, when American news website, ‘Winner Sports’ claimed that billionaire WWE boss, Vince McMahon was interested in what would be an incredible takeover of Newcastle United FC. While the validity of this claim is extremely questionable, it’s certainly made for hilarious and exciting news - especially due to the fact that current owner, Mike Ashley is reportedly keen to sell the club. As an avid viewer (and imitator) of late ‘90s ‘Attitude’ era wrestling (The Rock vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin etc), I’d be thrilled to see Mr. McMahon at the St James’ Park helm. Expectedly, Twitter instantly exploded with potential scenarios when the news broke - Kinnear vs. Pardew vs. Ashley in a triple threat match, Bowyer and Dyer finally settling their differences in a ‘hell in a cell’, Stone Cold emerging from the tunnel to dish out his trademark ‘stunner’ on Sunderland manager, Gus Poyet. The serious question is whether or not this will actually happen - there’s probably ‘no chance in hell’, but it was a great story nonetheless. Adam Martin
SNOBBERY Alright, this is one that I’ve been railing on about ever since I arrived at university. Why? Because intellectual snobbery is so goddamn ubiquitous across campus: that supercilious, shallow belief that one’s education should mark you out as a ‘better’ person – an ideological state which usually begins in private school and carries through to (redbrick) university. Call me a class war moo, if you will, but there’s more to life than qualifications. Money buys privilege, and university opens doors, but it does not make you inherently more intelligent than someone who isn’t as well educationally-endowed as you are. Because, I am sick, sick, sick of it all. Sick of overhearing Newcastle students reeling off their trips to the Northumbria campus like they were first class passengers on the Titanic slumming in steerage, or had recently returned from a safari trip to the Serengeti. I get subjected to a bit of it myself, when I tell people that I pursue a new-humanities degree and previously took a BTEC. “But Will, you talk posh, like you use really big words…” Gnnnngh. Will Ibbott
Images: mac_ivan, tandalov.com
SPICY HOT NEWS
Planet Pickles makes waves
H
illdawg (Clinton) and Eric Pickles go head-to-head in the eternal battle of having your face on a planet. The Presidential hopeful has secured much support recently in her pre-Presidential campaign, racing ahead of the competition, leading some to position Ms Clinton’s face onto a planet. The feud started last week as Pickles jumped on the ‘politicians with their faces on planets’ bandwagon. Lead Spicy Hot News reporter Rupert MacHackphone described Pickles as missing the point that ‘you don’t gain popularity by photoshopping your face onto a planet’.
SPICY HOT NEWS
Unfortunately, no-one has been able to point out the problem to Mr Pickles as he has been on Parliamentary leave supervising the construction of a new McVities factory. In related news, astrologers have now attributed the on-going floods in the UK to the ‘sheer density of Planet Pickles’. No comment has yet been made by Downing Street.
Bieber joins Al-Qaeda
T
his week at Bieber Headquarters: Justin describes how he feels his fame induced quarter-life crisis is being overshadowed. Who by? None other than Shia LeBeouf (what a silly name). LeBeouf had been in the shadows, until his recent brown paper bag on head stunt. Justin ‘Bizzle’ Bieber has controversially joined forces with Al-Qaeda in attempt to raise his profile. Leader of the group, Ayman al-Zawahiri, has tweeted how he believes the move would be ‘beneficial for both us and Mr Bizzle’. However, SHN Showbiz Editor Piers Fitzfullofshit questions the Al-QaBieber merger on the grounds that ‘Justin may not have been totally honest with the group about his checkered and criminal past’.
SPICY HOT NEWS
1D Zombies take London
A
state of emergency has been called as One Direction fans run riot through London. Violence erupted as a Mexican Wave mutated into a virus, morphing the teenage girls into ‘flesh eating zombies’ as one onlooker described. The military has begun to intervene, but the fans have started using Guerilla tactics and it is believed the capiImage: aeviin tal will soon be lost. Parliament has been disbanded and the MPs who survived the assault on Big Ben have been evacuated. No information has yet been given on the whereabouts of the Prime Minister, but it is believed his helicopter was shot down by a 1D bazooka. With the balance of power undoubtedly shifting towards the rebels, analysts are predicting a long, bloody and brutal civil war which could last for a generation. Joe Wood
The Courier
comment.11
Monday 24 Feburary 2014
A defence of Benefits Street
The
Voice of
Reason
Tory MP Kwasi Kwarteng has criticised the conduct and lifestyle of Benefits Street star ‘White Dee’. But are his criticisms fair or are they a reflection of a mentality that is ignorant of the lives of others?
Joe Wood
B
efore I begin my wee rant (I warn ye dear reader this shall be a rant!) I want to introduce to you two characters. One of them is Kwasi Kwarteng. He has an impressive record as a second generation UK national, his parents both moved to England from Ghana to study. His own educational background includes Eton, Cambridge, Harvard, and then back to Cambridge to do a PhD, all before joining Parliament as a Conservative MP when the Tories (and that other party with Nick Clegg) took power in 2010 - oh I do remember that day so well. The second, whom you might know or have heard of if you are aware of Channel 4’s Benefits Street, is Deirdre Kelly - more commonly referred to as White Dee. Her record isn’t quite so sparkling clean as the previously mentioned Tory MP, with a criminal conviction of fraud mounting to £13000 and a long stint of being out of work as a result both of the criminal conviction and her own depression. Yet, beyond being a single mother of two children she is generally considered the ‘mother of the street’ by many, in the now famous James Turner Street. She has also said she might stand as an Independent UK Member of Parliament. So why are theses two connected? Well not too long ago Kwasi Kwarteng made it his business to comment on the life and conduct of said ‘mother of the street’. He stated: “I don’t think she’s someone that the majority of people would want to see
represent them.” Now some of you may agree with Kwasi. ‘Sure, she’s a crook’ it could be argued ‘gwan Kwasi.’ And if you did so believe such a statement I wouldn’t be shocked. Indeed, since the series aired there has been an onslaught of media attention towards White Dee. The effortlessly unbiased, scrupulously clean, and agendaless British tabloids have analysed the single mother’s life; providing their readers with a considered analysis of the handout loving, single mother of two. Well that is one way of looking at the situation.
“Kwasi has no idea what it is like being Deirdre Kelly” However, I want to propose something: Kwasi Kwarteng has no idea what it is like being Deirdre Kelly. Now, quite rightly, you might respond to me saying something along the lines of ‘no sh*t Sherlock.’ Fair do’s if you do. But, I think it’s rather important. You see, I’m a middle-class, Russell Group Uni student who, like Kwasi, doesn’t have much of a clue about what it’s like being White Dee. I don’t really know what sort of person I would be if I’d grown up in one of the poorest neighbourhoods of Birmingham - I’ve never even been to Birmingham! What I do know, however, is that a person’s social circumstances create them.
So, for the Old Etonian to criticise the James Turnian with that unquestioning Tory judgement of good and bad is a dash naive in my opinion. Rather, it’s a tiddle hypocritical when considering the conduct of MPs from all parties. From Johnatahn Aitken’s criminal conviction for perjury, to Tory MP Aidan Burley who was caught on camera at a stag party where the ‘stag’ was dressed in Nazi uniform, to all the MPs caught up in the 2009/10 expenses scandal, there have been a few mishaps in the otherwise crystal clear Parliamentary record. Oh wait! Remember Thatcher and Murdoch, or Blair and Murdoch, or Cameron and Murdoch, or even Miliband and Murdoch. For God’s sake, the only reason I’m not saying Clegg and Murdoch is because no-one wants to get into bed with the headlight-blinded rabbit of British politics. My point is that, as James Turner’s Fungi reflected, “Everyone’s a thief, just don’t do it in your backyard.”Maybe not “everyone”, but hell there are a lot of crooks and the only difference is the crime they commit. Some commit fraud because their wags don’t stretch quite as far as an MPs £66,396 salary. Others challenge the foundations of Britain’s democratic process by getting into bed with media tycoons. So when White Dee said she was going to stand as an Independent MP, I felt a refreshing middle finger had been raised to the professionalism of UK partisan politics. Kwasi may well be a respectable MP and a genuinely decent human being. But he isn’t and will never be in touch with the struggles of 21st Century so-called ‘underclasses’. He stands for a party of conservatism, which is pro-tax-relief and anti-welfare-state. White Dee, unlike much of Parliament, does understand those struggles.
Image: NS Newsflash
Daily Mail: facts or fictions? With the ever present sense among the left that the Mail has an agenda, we hear some of the wonderfully whimsical tales produced on a Daily basis. David Leighton
I
’m a man (child) of compromise, of ethics and of equality. So it stands to reason that I hate The Daily Mail, although recently I have had to really up my game in terms of hatred to keep up with Britain’s second best-selling flatpacked loo roll. I’ve had to up my game because recently The Daily Mail has been coming out with some absolute corkers. I think my favourite, and by favourite I mean ‘most likely to induce vomit’, recent article has to be ‘Father who beheaded his own disabled son over kitchen sink’. Whilst a rather horrifying topic, I know, I feel we as readers should pay special attention to the eighth and ninth words in the article, ‘allegedly confessed’. Allegedly confessed? Eight words in and The Daily Mail has asserted that there’s a fairly decent
possibility that the entire article could be completely wrong but has decided that they will go with the potentially life-ruining headline anyway. Moreover two days later an article was released stating the man was not convicted as he’s rather insane. Brave, guys, you’re really setting the bar for journalism high.
“We as readers need to pay attention”
Instead of listing all the horrendous things I’ve seen pass for print in The Daily Mail (don’t even get me started on Jan Moir) I, instead, decided to quickly head on over to dailymail.co.uk to have a little peep and a mock. I think my favourite has to be ‘Ellie Goulding looks unusually casual in backwards cap as she heads to Milan’. I mean really my job here is done, I don’t really think I need to tell anyone how stupid, moronic,
boring, irritating and quite frankly shit that article is, because if you don’t have the capacity to figure that out for yourself than it is more than likely you are unable to read this. You bloody idiot. Next article? Even worse. ‘Muslim solicitor’s career in ruins after she lied to cover up her father’s speeding points then tried to have trial in secret for “cultural reasons”’; this one is an absolute belter. I’m pretty sure we had a white MP who tried exactly the same thing a few months back and funnily enough there were no Daily Mail headlines covering that. Heaven help someone having the audacity to be Muslim and do something wrong. But what I really, really don’t like about this article – what makes me want to down a pint of acid in rage – is the implication that doing something wrong and being a Muslim aren’t coincidental. That really makes me want to urinate fire into the face of Rebecca Pocklington (the scrotum faced idiot who did the writing). Either that or hurl myself into the next tornado I see screaming ‘It’s bloody worth it… it’s bloody worth it’. I regret nothing.
No. 11: Winter Olympics
G
reetings, fellow bonglemonglers. It has been a particularly trying time for me. I wake up in the morning, filled with exacerbation of the new day that has dawned upon me, and immediately my hopes of a peaceful morning walk are crushed like any noble Pug would (and should) crush a cat under the mighty force his fearful paw. For the one weed in my garden of social peace and right-wing justice is you, joggers. Yes. During this time of the year, you are even worse than students. I would think of you as ordinary plebs, yet you are not. You disgust me, and let me tell you why. I have recently been informed by Timmons that something is happening in a place called Sachi, which seems to be at the world’s end. This something has to do with sports, it would seem. I, personally, find sports abhorrent. I have been hallowed with the marvel of an astonishing physique, and I cannot wrap my head around the point of it. Despite this, the Sachi sport thing in itself does not bother me that much – television is not one of my preferred forms of entertainment, I’d take sherry slurping in front of the crackling fireplace every day. No, once again, what I find positively dreadful is the Plebs’ reaction to it. Because, naturally, even if there is one new thing in the world that I might not ‘like’ as such, but rather not-mind-as-much, those clods always chirp in and ruin everything. This planet makes my despair and my desire for ankle nommage bigger and stronger every day. Dear morons of the world: just because there are people doing sports in some other part of the continent does not mean that you should immediately dig your tracksuits out of that trunk they have been stashed in for the past six years. The last weeks have witnessed a massive uproar in inexperienced joggers, perambulating the park where I usually take my walk. My poor, poor paws. My poor, poor tail. I am convinced that jogging with glasses is inconvenient, Sport Plebs (yes, you are a whole new category of plebeian, because you are that repulsive), but I swear to Pugs, the next time you attempt to impale me, I will buy you one and I will duct tape it to your forehead. Rah! Rah! How frustrating. All I hear from everywhere is sport, sport, sport. Timmons, I’m happy to say, is not tempted to enjoy such ridiculous merriments. All for the best. Everyone begins to understand sports during big sport events. Just as everyone begins to understand politics during ballot. An infinitely annoying trait of the Plebs, claiming to be so educated, and still not having the intelligence to look in their feet to see where they’re jogging and, more importantly, whether they are stomping on the tail of a noble ancestor of the Pugsons. Atrocious! I was led to believe that this was a class-led society and I am, as we all know, above each and every class there is. Joggers, mind your step, should you not want a perfectly detailed imprint of my jaw on your ankle. Yours,
Pugs Overheard by Antonia Velikova Illustration by Flora Anderson
Pugs has got a new iPad, and he’s been dictating tweets to his manservant Timmons. Follow him on Twitter at @LaVoiceofReason
12.lifestyle
The Courier
Monday 24 February 2014
Lifestyle Editors: Evie O’Sullivan, Elizabeth Archer, Hazel Parnell and Katie Smith
Annie Lord
Stage fright #6
The idea that girls love a bad boy is a theme that runs throughout society. We hear the modern mantra’s of “nice guys finish last” and “treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em keen” more frequently than we hear Bible extracts. My friend Michael is living proof that this is the case. He’s an attractive guy, yet his overzealous niceties influence most women he meets to friendzone him from the outset. He constantly makes needy pleas to girls to come back to his, luring them with rather unsubtle text messages promising ‘a movie’ and ‘spooning’. A while ago he managed to get a girl into his bed; despite the ideal choice of setting, this story did not have a happy ending. Instead he just ended up making out with her all night. When he suggested sex she laughed sympathetically, patted him on the shoulder, and rolled out from under him. By these standards it appears that nice guys really do finish last - but only in the bedroom. Dickheads just seem like they would be better in bed, I mean I feel like sleeping with Michael would involve enduring 10 very long minutes of ‘How does this feel? Am I on your hair? Am I hurting you?’ Michael rang me the other night after two years of involuntary celibacy, bragging about how he had managed to sleep with the girl he had been plying with gifts since they began seeing each other six months ago. I was full of praise until he said ‘she did par me half way through though, she said ‘mate you should hear yourself, you sound like a dying animal’. He had obviously become rather over excited after years of near-misses.
“It seems so strange that a guy so wet could create such a vaginal drought”
The other night, I found myself in McDonald’s at 4.30, giddy, drunk and soaking up the leftover alcohol with a McChicken burger. My friend Hugo, despite his extreme level of intoxication, had managed to draw an unfortunate female to our table. Instead of talking to her about what she studied, where she lives or being a gentleman and buying her a cheeseburger, he decided that being a dickhead was the best method of seduction. He danced around her mimicking oral sex, burnt his tongue with a lighter, and repeatedly pushed out his chest like some sort of preying mantis performing a mating call. The girl eventually confirmed the obvious, that he was in fact being a dickhead and he replied ‘I may be a dickhead, but you still want the D’.
“He danced around her mimicking oral sex, burnt his tongue with a lighter, and repeatedly pushed out his chest like a preying mantis”
Hugo’s tactics appeared to be working, she constantly threatened leaving, hoping this grand gesture would entice Hugo to follow her. In the end Hugo had chose banter with his bros over sex. It was only when Hugo told her that she sounded like she guzzled a lot of cum that a very fine line was crossed. After that she proceeded to exit McDonald’s when it dawned on her that perhaps this dickhead was not worth the 3 mile walk of shame from Leazes back to Jesmond. So there is a line, one cannot simply be 100% dickhead and our love of dickheads is not going to evolve into dating crazed axe murderers. The single man must struggle to achieve the much sought after balance between being what my friends would call a ‘wetty man’ and a dickhead. Thus maybe the saying “nice guys finish last” should go “wet guys finish last”. Yet it seems strange that a guy so wet could create such a vaginal drought.
Feelin’ maudlin, buddy?
It won’t last
Nah, buzzing mate
ing Beave r ish
START
rnaby th e Ba
Which comfort food are you in need of? con-Brand a B
Yes :( Umami
Sweet or savoury?
Are you too emotionally fragile to chew?
Sweet
Ooh, get you, Blumenthal. Surf or turf?
Yes, mastication is a terrible chore
Savoury
No, I reckon I can rouse myself enough for a quick chomp
Turf
Ben & Jerry’s
Surf
Bacon Are you a fan of bacon? Just bacon. You don’t care how it’s done or what it’s in, as long as there’s enough to induce a survivable heart attack (the danger is all part of the fun).
Redushi Reduced sushi - ‘Redushi’, if you will. The amount of money you’ve saved by not buying fresh, non-poisonous sushi is a warm blanket of comfort in itself. Visualise each piece as a problem you’re eating: once digested, it’s gone forever. FOREVER.
Were you, or have you ever wished you had been, brought up in the Palace of Versailles?
Cherry Gar-see-ya later, depression! Ben and Jerry will get you through this Rocky Road until you Cookie Dough-n’t feel sad any more.
Yes No
Quails’ eggs
A yard of Jaffa Cakes Is it a cake? Is it a biscuit? Who gives a shit, there’s a yard of them.
Pasta bake Quails’ eggs, preferably served on a bed of caviar (i.e fish eggs) in a large Faberge egg. Everyone needs a little bit of pampering sometimes, and if it’s presented in a way that reminds you of the fertile world of possibility that is the rest of your life, you aristocratic little bastard you, then so much the better.
Like being cuddled from the inside by a squishy friend made entirely of starchy carbohydrates and fat. A friend who will never tell you when to stop eating. Kate Bennett and Tom Nicholson
Culture The Courier
.13
Monday 24 February 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/culture
Culture Editor: Sam Summers Sections: Lifestyle, Fashion, Beauty, Arts, Music, Film, TV and Science courier.culture@ncl.ac.uk | @CourierOnline
Amelia ‘Milly’ Bradley, 1st Year German, French and Spanish meets John Haswell, 1st Year History
Blind date
John on Milly How did you find going on a blind date? Were you nervous? It was interesting, I was quite nervous as it was my first date. I had big plans in mind but it was cut short in its prime by a late night library session that I wasn’t aware of. Apparently she had arranged to meet a friend so they could study. I would have liked to go for cocktails or something a bit more fancy, but never mind. Describe your first impression of Milly in three words. Easy going, nerdy [as she went to the library], and chatty. What do you usually look for in a girl, and did Milly fit the bill? My usual type doesn’t go to the library at half ten at night, but yeah she ticked most of the boxes, she was easy going and good looking. Did the conversation flow well? Yeah it did. There was one awkward moment at the start but after that it was plain sailing.
Where? The Mens Bar Who paid? Went dutch What did you drink? Tropical Sours and lemonade
Milly on John Describe your first impression of John. Smartly dressed, friendly and charming. What did you talk about? Just normal stuff really. We spoke about what we study, and he told me he’s taken a gap year. I spoke a lot about cheerleading as well. Were there any funny or awkward moments at the start? He didn’t reply to my text when I was looking for him so I was left standing at the bar on my own. But he bought my drink so the awkward moment was swerved. Swerve!
What do you think is her best feature? [His flatmates make obscene anatomical references in the background] She had a nice smile. And if you had to name a worst...? [He thinks about this for a long time.] It’s difficult to pick one, but I’d say unavailability. It was really hard to arrange a time when she wasn’t busy, we even tried like a brunch date, but in the end Thursday evening was the only time she could do. At any point in the date did you understand why she might be single? No, I’m surprised she’s not found herself a nice guy to be honest, she was lovely.
“I had big plans but the date was cut short in its prime” Did you open the ‘ex-files’? No we didn’t, thankfully. What do you think your parents would make of her? Hmm... I think my parents would be reasonably impressed – they’d probably think I’d done pretty well for myself to be honest. Would your flatmates approve? My flatmates really weren’t impressed when I came home so early. They’re as let down as me to be honest, so I think they’d have some harsh words for her. Would you describe her as cute, sexy or hot? Hot.
At any point in the date did you understand why he is single? I didn’t ask. He said he’d not been on a proper date before, so maybe he should just ask girls out more. What do you think is his best feature? He was really easy to talk to. And if you had to name a worst...? He’s a Southerner. Would you take him home to meet your Mum and Dad? No, my Dad’s called John.
“My Dad is called John too which is awkward” Shag, marry or see-ya-bye? He’s probably more marriage material- but I’m not there yet. Do you think there will be a second date? Probably not, but we are Facebook friends. Would you describe him as cute, sexy or hot? Cute.
Would you describe her as clever, funny or sweet? Sweet.
Would you describe him as clever, funny or sweet? All of them.
How did the date end, anything cheeky? I walked her to the library as it was on the way back for me, gave her a hug and then we said goodbye. Do you think you’ll see each other again? If she wanted to, why not?
Do you have a usual type, and if so did John fit the bill? I don’t have a type really, so anything goes. How did the date end, anything cheeky? He walked me to the library and we hugged goodbye. Rate yo’ date: 7
Rate yo’ date: 7
Unlucky in love? The Courier is here to help! Send your details to: c2.lifestyle@ncl.ac.uk
14.lifestyle
Monday 24 February 2014
The Courier
Lifestyle Editors: Evie O’Sullivan, Elizabeth Archer, Hazel Parnell and Katie Smith
Restaurant Review: La Viña
Power couple: How to be more like Jay Z and Beyoncé
Queen Bey 1. Create a 14 track visual album and blow everybody’s tiny minds by releasing it one day without any hype or build up.
2.
Have a wind machine follow you at all times so your beautiful mane of bouncy hair flows behind you like a glorious halo of gold whenever you move.
3.
Be secretly pregnant and rather than ringing your loved ones to tell share the news, simply perform live at an awards show and at the end reveal your baby bump to the whole world in the sassiest way possible.
4. Be comfortable in, and have a massive collection of, leotards. You can never have too many of these and are always an option no matter the weather or occasion.
5. Seek out voice coaching to create a sound that is insanely seductive, pitch perfect and makes people want to bust a move, all at the same time.
6. Have no last name. Have you heard of fans going nuts and screaming two names? Also, it has more swag.
Jay Z 1. Marry Beyoncé, or failing that you can buy a life-sized Beyoncé cardboard cut out to carry around at all times.
2.
Be a hustla. Jay Z’s is a true rags to riches story so if you’re from a wealthy background you should probably pretend you’re from Peckham or something.
3.
Always have less than 100 problems. It’s a manageable number to be dealing with while keeping on top of your manic day to day. But, above all else, make sure a bitch isn’t one of then.
4.
Invest in an extensive collection of T-shirt, jeans and baseball cap ensembles. This has to be your look 8 days a week, but switch it up with a classy tux when with Queen Bey.
5. Don’t be a businessman - be a business, man. This is your mantra from here on out. You are something everyone wants to invest in and get a piece of. Muneeb Hafiz and Elizabeth Hampson
E
quipped with my finely skilled food critic pal, Marcus ‘Pierre White’, I went to have a fiesta at La Viña, a Spanish tapas bar situated about halfway down Grey Street, just a short walk from Monument and the buzz of the city center. The newest in this family of restaurants La Viña Newcastle offers a warm atmosphere to a Spanish theme tune, a Mediterranean ambiance in subterranean Newcastle. Upon entering La Viña, you immediately walk down a flight of stairs leading into the softly lit restaurant, with minimalistic wooden furnishings creating a homely, authentically Spanish environment. We were met by friendly staff, who showed us to our table and took our drink orders. A pint of San Miguel costing £4.25 seemed a little pricey when considering what is offered by the bars on Osborne Road, but for a higher-end restaurant on trendy Grey Street, this price is entirely justified. Due to the extensive menu the attentive waitress was requested to return in ‘just a couple more minutes’ a handful of times, before me and my culinary connoisseur were able to make our choices. For an appetizer, we ordered olives marinated with garlic,
herbs and chili, and pan tomaca, which was baked bread rubbed with garlic and olive oil, served with a fresh chopped tomato and herb dish. The olives had been perfectly marinated, and the salty bread combined with the fresh sweetness of the tomato dip made both these dishes a perfect combination and fair price, costing £2.95 each. We were appropriately advised by the waitress that for the main, 3 dishes each would suffice, which me and the connoisseur chose from an exhaustive list of tapas under the categories of Meat, Fish and Cheese. The specials board also boasted some tasty sounding tapas dishes, but I forgot most of them almost as soon as the waitress explained them, and they were only displayed in Spanish, a cute touch that seemed slightly impractical. In the end we ordered the 28-day rump steak with blue cheese gratin. The gratin was a little overpowering for my sensitive palette, but was served aside
gluttony, unable to move. For dessert we ordered churros, a fried dough pastry which had been dusted with cinnamon and sugar, served with strawberries and a chocolate dipping sauce. A surprisingly light dessert which was a delicious way to end the meal. All in all La Viña is a delightful restaurant, a perfect place to take your family, or bring a date when you feel like splashing out a tad over the student budget. Its discreet location prevents the likelihood of bumping into any familiar faces whilst you’re having a romantic moment, but is still merely a short walk from the main goings-on of the Toon.
Jack Adcock
“A Mediterranean ambiance in subterranean Newcastle” from the steak, so was easy to leave. We also had sweet, juicy Catalan sausages, ‘Pollo con Salsa,’ served with chestnut mushrooms in a sherry and cream condiment, and ‘scallops in a creamy vegetable sauce.’ The latter admittedly tasted a little bland, but the beauty of tapas is that when combined, the tastier dishes compensate for the lesser ones. The highlight of all the dishes though was the pescado rebozado, a deep fried white fish in San Miguel batter served with an aioli and lemon dip, the tenderness of the fish went perfectly with the crispy batter, a divine plate which is a reason in-itself to return. The average price of each tapas dish was £4.95, with 3 dishes each being the perfect number to order, leaving you lightly satisfied with room left for dessert. Much better than being left sitting at the table, bathing in your own
Easter Eggs-cursions
Don’t catch a cold, catch the travel bug. We all want to get away this Easter (or even sooner than that), but how can you afford a hot trip in the sun or a weekend chilling on the slopes with a student budget? Here are some top choices to venture abroad this spring: 1. Jailbreak: Because of the stories that arise
from Jailbreak, this is a student favourite, and one of those things you’ll only ever get the opportunity to do whilst at University. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the rules of Jailbreak, the aim of the game is basically to convince strangers to pay for your travel. It’s a form of begging that’s classified as acceptable under these circumstances. Within your co-ed pair, you need to get as far from your University as humanly possible — but here’s the catch, you are not allowed to use any of your own money for the fares. You have to persuade random members of the public to pay for your flights and sneak on to trains in an attempt to flee your Uni within a designated period of time, usually 48 or 72 hours long. Some people have ended up in very peculiar places, I must say. Just remember, you’ll need enough money in your bank account to get back afterwards. Otherwise, enjoy the holiday while it lasts.
2. Uni ski trip: If you’re part of the skiing society, (or want to be) then sign up now for the 2014 ski trip. As far as we’ve heard, places are still available; not only will skiing keep you fit, but it’ll burn off the calories you’ll be putting on from those boozy nights on the slopes. At a mega discounted
price, a week of skiing in the Alps, or somewhere like Bulgaria (where a pint of beer is just 70p. Yes, you heard me correctly, 70p) might be your perfect cup of hot brew.
3. Get the ferry: If you have a phobia of flying, that doesn’t mean you have to miss out on that crazy Amsterdam trip all your mates are going on this year. Believe it or not, it is actually cheaper to get the ferry from Newcastle to Amsterdam for £55 per person. Even if you don’t fancy Amsterdam, there are ferry routes from Newcastle to Belgium and Bruges as well. Surprised that Newcastle has a ferry dock? So am I. Let’s use it well. 4. Hitch! society: Haven’t you always wanted
to hitch-hike somewhere? Well, at Newcastle University, we even have a society for it. This year, they’re headed for Croatia, and it’s not too late to get involved. You’ll need a group of 3 (at maximum) including at least one lad in the group for all female protection. Once you’ve got those, grab your passport and get hitching. I will add that while doing this on your own bad might sound like a great adventure, it is a lot safer to do it via a company, like the Hitchhiking society, where they can not only monitor your progress, but also check where you are everyday. Those of you xenophobes worrying about stranger danger in a foreign country, do not fear — they expect a text everyday, and if it doesn’t go through, after 3 days they’ll have the military intelligence searching for you. Just remember
to check your phone.
5. Destination known: Check out
Un-
skyscanner.com now for some of the cheapest flights available from Newcastle for this Easter, or even this weekend. Screw it, let’s book a flight for tomorrow. If Amsterdam is not the destination of your choice this Spring, then why not spent the weekend somewhere a bit different? Check out what’s happening within Europe now, and get on that plane. Flights from NCL are as cheap as £49 to Geneva, if you want to hit the slopes for a week, or just enjoy a wintry wonderland in the snow. Or if you’re fed up of this dull, cold weather, hit Malaga for some fun in the sun from £116. If you would rather dust up on your French, head to Chambery for £84 return. You don’t always need a purpose to travel, except for the fact that you need to take a break. But if you need a short break, and don’t want to head too far (and don’t have your passport handy with you), I’ve heard going to Dublin for St. Patrick’s Day on the 17th March is the place to be. Dress up green and get slaughtered with the leprechauns. With return flights from £66 you can’t go wrong. Holly Suttle Illustrations by Daisy Billowes
The Courier
lifestyle.15
Monday 24 February 2014
Spending a penny
thecourieronline.co.uk/lifestyle c2.lifestyle@ncl.ac.uk | @Courier_Life
Fancy some retail therapy but haven’t got any money? No problem - Deputy Editor Tom Nicholson presents a grab-bag of crap on Amazon which is almost literally priceless, in that each piece can be bought for one penny
Miscellany
House looking a bit bare? Now’s your opportunity to fill it with boatloads of crap. Take, for example, the inflatable seagull pictured above, which, according to its description, will apparently be “great for beach scenes”. Judging by its wonky blue and red eyes and disapproving grimace, these beach scenes would have to have been excavated from somewhere near the bottom of a K-hole, or perhaps taking place on the banks of the river Styx. There’s actually quite a lot of inflatable gubbins on sale for a penny, though given that when inflatable stuff is actually being used it’s about 90% air that’s perhaps not so surprising. If you’re after a way of deterring hawkers and evangelists from calling at your home, pick up some Ben Doverthemed window stickers. In my experience, people who loudly proclaim their allegiance to one or another porn star via the medium of tacky stickers saying things like ‘Don’t worry - be horny!’ Tend to be left well enough alone.
Clothes and jewellery Looking for a budget alternative to Primark? The Amazon 1p sale has you covered. There’s also the option of a lovely pair of bright blue men’s swimming shorts made by a company called Bravesoul, a name which suggests their target demographic is the kind of devil-may-care nutter who cares more about looking momentarily jazzy for a sweet, sweet price than the questionable integrity of the netting inside. More practically, there are piles of budget underpants to sift through if you so wish. Given the price of washing powder and water rates these days it’s far cheaper to get a shedload of these in and launch the most recently used example into the back yard at the end of the day, no matter how potentially groin-grindingly harsh the material they’re made of may be. The peaked balaclava (modelled here by a very perturbed-looking Piers Morgan) very cleverly answers today’s styleconscious football hooligan’s need for a debonair way of obscuring his face during a skirmish, while also being appropriate for keeping the Brazilian sunshine out of his eyes while he lobs white plastic garden furniture across town squares during the World Cup.
“As far as jewellery goes, there’s a full-body necklace, for those evenings when you feel like looking like an extra from a Mis-Teeq video”
As far as jewellery goes, there’s a full-body necklace, for those evenings when you feel like looking like an extra from a Mis-Teeq video. Reckon that’s a little de trop? Try this Cartier ring. Yes, it’s a Cartier ring. It’s a ring with ‘Cartier’ stamped on it. That makes it, in a strictly literal sense, a Cartier ring, even if it looks more like the ring pull from a Cartier-branded soft drink can. In slightly more useful news, you can pick up a copper bracelet with magical healing powers. That’s not what makes it useful - obviously, that’s several shades of bullshit - but you can easily melt it down and make a tidy profit selling it on to wholesalers. Think of yourself as a latter-day Steptoe and/or son. Bored of looking like some workaday bore with lip-coloured lips? Grab a “purple leopard style” temporary lip tattoo and head to your local discotheque - all the local hotties will go wild for you when you look like you’ve picked up an exotic virus. Tell them you’ve been building schools in a particularly out-of-the-way bit of the Amazon. You’ll barely be able to move for concerned potential concubines, though any attempts actually making a move might be stymied by these potential concubines’ concern for their own continued existence. Shouting “IT’S NOT BOTULISM HONEST” will just make you look desperate, even if it’s true.
“There’s actually quite a lot of inflatable gubbins on sale for a penny, though given that when inflatable stuff is actually being used it’s about 90% air that’s perhaps not so surprising”
Beauty
Rubbish at nail art? Need to practice? Invest your penny in the intensely disturbing disembodied thumb pictured above for exactly that goal. Neatly, it also doubles up as a coat hook. Admittedly, it also looks a little like it could keep a lady company through the long, lonely winter nights, but only a full-time filthmonger would allow themselves to have their thoughts dragged that way. Similarly suggestive and mysterious is the Secret Man scent.. While sounding like a badly dubbed Japanese pirate copy of a James Bond film, this scent will very probably win you the respect and admiration of all. Judging by the packaging this might also be the world’s first unisex fragrance, which is a surely a great thing: the sooner men and women smell exactly like each other, the sooner stuff like the pay gap and that can get sorted, and the happier we’ll all be.
This isn’t to say that there isn’t anything useful on sale: the availability of a one million pound note is certainly an intriguing prospect, and perhaps something the Bank of England should have thought about more rigorously while minting; I mean, most corner shops won’t carry more than half the change you’d need after breaking into it for a pint of milk and a Wispa. Remarkably, there are also some commemorative 50 pence pieces from the 2012 Olympics knocking about on there. I’m no business whizz, but my accountant informs me that these pieces can be worth anything up to 50 pence. Buy loads and retire to the Med on that sweet 5000% mark-up. Alternatively, buy a yngling-themed one, stick it in the ground and laugh inwardly at how much it’ll fuck up archaeologists in centuries to come: was yngling a Saxon king? The national sport of Wales? A particularly virulent STD? Good luck, future nerds. Top of the heap, though, is that unimpeachable arbiter of high school popularity and cool points: the Livestrong band. Buy one and etch ‘CHEAT TO WIN’ into it in honour of ol’ Lance’s enduring legacy to sport. Or, if you’re a fan of sports involving sitting down and staring with vaguely fluctuating levels of despondency at areas of countryside, invest in this golf and fishing cigarette holder. Presumably clipping onto a golf bag or fishing rod, this accessory can also be used to hold a tube of lipstick, or a cylindrical wafer.
Max Suvorov Dat Shit Cray #6
I
had a nightmare the other night. In this nightmare I was pre-drinking with some girls I was vaguely familiar with, after going into town and knocking back enough Vodka that would make an alcoholic proud, I vomited and then forced my way into a taxi blurting out an address, upon arrival I then threw whatever cash I had left in my wallet at the disgruntled taxi driver, fell out, vomited into a drainage pipe and then discovered that I was nowhere near my house. Alas the taxi was gone and there I was shivering under a streetlight in completely vague surroundings, a short exploration detour confirmed that I was miles away from the safety of my bed, but to my surprise I was pretty close to the girls that I had been pre-drinking with. And so, hoping they were home, I staggered in the general direction of their humble abode. To my great relief the lights were on, the music was thumping, and the front door was open. Uninvited, I stumbled in, found the first open room, took off all my clothes (yes I sleep naked and yes it’s a thing), jumped into bed and let peaceful slumber take me, well almost (I threw up a few times during the night too).
“...firstly, I don’t have a poster of a topless Daniel Craig”
Awaking from this horrific nightmare I discovered that I was in very unfamiliar surroundings. Firstly, I don’t have a poster of a topless Daniel Craig on my wall; secondly, my bed sheets are blue, not pink, and lastly, I definitely, definitely, definitely do not own a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey. It is here that my dopey brain discovered that last night’s nightmare was not a nightmare but a reality, and yes there was a pool of sick by the bedside. Alas, drunk me is perhaps the most annoying individual I have ever had the pleasure of dealing with. My initial reaction was utter shock, but then the rusted gears of my bamboozled cranium began to grind, I had a plan!
“...lastly, I definitely, definitely, do not own a copy of Fifty Shades of Grey”
Phase one: Find my clothes. After about ten minutes of searching I had found everything but my watch (If you are reading this, you know who you are, so please give me back my watch). Phase two: Sneak into the kitchen and acquire a sponge and some cleaning products. This was going to be tricky. Hoping everyone was asleep, I tiptoed into the kitchen, and upon opening the door I discovered two very surprised looking girls eating breakfast. Bollocks. I was caught out, but then they started awkwardly giggling, probably assuming that I had pulled one of their house mates. This bought me a little bit of time, and so, giving a sheepish ‘Hi’, I grabbed some kitchen roll, Mr Muscle, washing up liquid and a wet sponge. After running back to the room, I got down on all fours and started frantically rubbing (thank Jesus this girl had wooden floors). After I was done, I charged back into the kitchen, dumped the cleaning products and was out of the door before the girls could even comprehend what had happened Moral of the story: I need to stop drinking. Your confidante, Maxim Suvorov.
16.fashion
Monday 24 February 2014
The Courier
Fashion Editors: Frances Stephenson and Amy O’Rourke Deputy Fashion Editor: Bex Finney
Insta-glam How to wear pyjama pants
Sara Macauley gives us a snapshot of the top fashion accounts to follow in 2014
Martha Ngatchu shows us how to style the pyjama style trousers without looking like you just rolled out of bed
S ASO
30 lan £ Mata
£40
B
logger Leanne Lim-Walker’s Instagram account features posts of fashion-related goodness on a daily basis - from inspiring outfit layouts to behind the scenes shots from photo shoots, as well as a good old selfie. The clothes stalker in me also appreciates the fact that she lists all the item details and even lipstick shades in the caption bar, meaning less leg work for you if you’re interested in spot of style stealing.
Accessorize £8
F
or many, the pyjama suit is a difficult trend because obviously you don’t want to look like you’ve simply forgotten to get dressed in the morning. However, in my opinion, it is a trend more people should embrace. Not only is it comfortable and versatile, but with the right accessories, it packs a serious sartorial punch, rolling out of bed has never looked so stylish. One key tip for wearing the pyjama suit or pyjama trousers trend is to anchor it with a luxe plain separate - just to break up the print and make it look less pyjama like. Ankle boots are an absolute classic and staple wardrobe item. A great heeled pair of ankle boots
Bee from PrettySickly’s style first made waves on Tumblr when she posted photos of her outfits to make choosing what to wear in the morning that little bit easier. Thankfully, her edgy ootd’s have become more accessible through her amazing Instagram account, which provide serious outfit inspiration for those bleary eyed mornings. Her style is always onpoint and very modern, and the shots she chooses to share always beautifully edited.
are a great way to elevate your look, whilst still keep some of that effortless charm that we’re all craving. Adding a pair of heeled ankle boots to your pyjama trousers will also toughen up the look and make it look a bit more intentional. Backpacks are both functional and stylish. You can find a decent backpack anywhere on the high street at the moment, from Primark to Urban Outfitters, the backpack is a big trend. It’s also the perfect
I spy with my fashion eye...
Kathryn Holland spy’s the hottest looks for your wardrobe this spring/summer
Topshop £185
Topshop £38
T
ime to get your inner princess on with this spring’s trend. New York’s runways glittered with everything from full length jewel embellished dresses at Wes Gordon to simple white tees with bejewelled shoulders at 3.1 Phillip Lim. This spring don’t think that jewel encrusted clothing is just for a night out. Everything from bombers to bags, tees to trainers have had a sparkle makeover. On the catwalk for Louis Vuitton even sportswear was embellished. This work can be adapted from day to night but for that perfect going out look, why not try Topshop’s sequin bralet with a pair of high waisted black shorts.
Internacionale £16.99
Biker with a twist
All that glitters
The Pixie Cut is somewhat of an unknown Instagram account belong to Topshop worker and parttime blogger Laura. She describes herself as an ‘outfit builder,’ and posts creative style layouts regularly, as well as images showing the looks on - perfect if you’re stuck in a style rut and looking for a bit of fashpiration! A word of warning though – following this account may result in a very sad bank account.
accessory for the pyjama trouser trend. Top this look off with a slouchy leather jacket, another wardrobe staple for any girl. Whether you go for a softer looking brown leather jacket or a rough and ready black studded number. A leather jacket is perfect for pulling outfits together and making them look a bit more refined. Additionally the contrast between the soft pyjama style pant and the more masculine leather jacket makes a great visual impact and toughens up the outfit. Add a grungey nail varnish like the Topshop one pictured to finish the look.
T
he biker jacket has long been a wardrobe staple. This spring sees a step away from the usual black biker and a move towards its more colourful cousin. The coloured biker goes with any outfit, from black jeans to denim shorts. Topshop’s boxy leather biker jacket in pink or blue may seem a little pricey at £185 but, the compliments that will flow in will be worth it, and it fulfils two trends for this season. Pair the blue with a tartan skirt and fluffy black jumper for a more alternative look. For a cheaper alternative try Marks and Spencer cream biker at £75 or Matalan’s Pink PU Biker jacket only £35.
Say it loud
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ew York Fashion Week saw the return of the statement top/sweater. Wear your heart not on your sleeve put emblazoned across your chest. A statement tee goes with pretty much anything, from black skinny jeans and a sweet pair of kicks to, a soft pastel skirt and Chelsea boots. Louis Vuitton went as far to paint a model in their slogan; of course you don’t have to go this far (unless body paint is what you’re into). Pair Internacionale’s sweatshirt with a soft pastel pleated skirt for a sporty day time look. Not only will you be on trend but Super comfy at the same time, a perfect outfit for a long day at uni.
The Courier
fashion.17
Monday 24 February 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/fashion c2.fashion@ncl.ac.uk | @Courier_Fashion
Battle of the fashion weeks
Rebekah Crawshaw and Holly Suttle battle it out for fashion week’s best dressed Topshop £8
How to fake the fashion week look
Hannah Fitton tells us how to look the part using high street pieces
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ondon Fashion Week is one of the most prestigious fashion events in the world, alongside New York, Milan and Paris, which rank as the ‘big four’ leading forces of international catwalk influences. Showcasing some of the world’s foremost fashion designs, such as collections by Burberry, House of Holland, Paul Smith and Vivienne Westwood – LFW explodes with creativity, innovation and young talent, attracting significant attention from not only those working within the industry themselves – such
Topshop £5
as designers, models, fashion photographers and buyers – but greater, the British public. LFW continues to be the biggest catwalk sell-out and hence, online streaming of the event has been made possible through social media. In truth, I often find myself sitting at my laptop screen for hours watching models soar down the runway in bizarre yet genius designs, forever attempting to fight the jealousy I have towards those members sitting in the audience witnessing the procession of these clothes brands first-hand. For me, fashion is a statement, and I feel it has become an integral way of determining who a person is and what they stand for, silently exposing their inner personalities to the world. I have continually been interested in following the latest trends (often going into my university overdraft in order to buy cutting-edge fashion items…), and I tried to emulate London’s thriving street style,
Missguided £22.99
rather than the more sophisticated or extrovert catwalk looks that many find difficult to relate to. Tartan attire continues its tradition in being one of Britain’s hottest fashion assertions, often featuring in editions of Vogue and is a personal favourite of Daisy Lowe’s, and certainly its restoration in the fashion industry has influenced me and many others in re-considering our style. Indeed, the black and white tartan trousers that I wear are almost a statement in themselves – they are loud, edgy and are sure to have heads turning; as are my patent pewter docs, which have already received compliments from my friends and individuals. Combined with my oversized burgundy jacket, inspired by those similar in Elle Magazine, I feel my entire look is truthful to the ‘London-Look’, which allows for not only freedom of expression, but subjective openness of style.
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New York
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London
ith London Fashion Week drawing to a close, the high street has swiftly picked up on the key trends featured and emulated it in their own collections. Last season tartan was the go to print; however for Spring/Summer 2014 it has been revamped to gingham. Gingham was seen on the runways of all major designers with Oscar de la Renta and Blamain opting for the conventional black and white gingham print. Topshop have reproduced this look really well, creating around twenty pieces devoted to gingham alone. This pair of black and white gingham trousers is perfect both for daytime and evening wear, and the cropped length with a crumpled texture makes for a unique trouser. Topshop does a smock style gingham dress which is very flattering, and can be worn now with black tights or in the warmer months with bare legs. Designers also exhibited more colourful shades of gingham at London Fashion Week, such as Comme des Garçons who featured gingham in a pink shade. Missguided has duplicated this in the form of a baby pink cropped gingham jumper, which not only ticks the box for gingham but also the pastel trend that is seen everywhere at the moment. Topshop have also done a really great colourful gingham piece in their matching green and black skirt and top two-piece. Not only does this outfit inject colour into the gingham look, but it is also a twopiece which is another Spring/Summer 2014 trend. Gingham can be worn day or night, style with neutral coloured heels or sling backs to keep the focus on your gingham pieces.
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ith New York’s Fashion Week coming up, and London’s being held just one week after, there is no doubt that the two of the most popular capital cities in the world will be competing for the title of the most stylish city. Looking through the NY Times gives you an impression of how quirky they style is expected to be when attending New York Fashion Week 2014 — with New York City submerged in inches of thick snow, achieving the perfect outfit this week is a must during America’s Winter Wonderland-ish Fashion Week. It appears that the goal for this year’s NY Fashion Week style is mix-and-match, whilst wrapping up warm. This includes bright colours contrasted by ferocious black and white patterns, coats layered with fur on top of delicately plain, simple dresses, and even bright heels with warm socks to add to the fashion. Many of the fashion gurus attending
this year have opted for long boots in preference to the colourful heels, but still have managed to match their outfits down to the T, showing why they deserve their spot at New York Fashion Week. The majority of looks seen on the streets of New York are simple yet chic. It’s simple, yet effective, and the best part is, it isn’t a hard one to achieve. The look I’ve chosen to re-create is sophisticated and ultra-modern, think business woman glamming up for catwalk in her work suit. This look seems easy, but needs to be precise enough to make it effective. To hit the contrast button with this look, you’ll need a pair of patterned black and white trousers, perhaps in a corduroy style, along with a voguish shirt that buttons to the top. Adding a simple, thin belt will create an assertive look to your outfit, through the neat systematic order of a belt. To keep your feet warm and shake up the fash-
ion, a pair of thick woolly socks that will be outrageously noticeable under your ankle-length trousers will grab the fashionista stylists’ attention with a pair of bold, statement heels. I’ve opted for red, as this colour seems to always go with black and white, but all colours that are bright can suit this look. A well-trimmed coat with a fur hood will be the perfect finish to this revolutionary outfit, along with a pair of basic, black sunglasses to accomplish the crisp, cool look, as fresh as that winter snow outside the catwalk.
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18.beauty
Monday 24 February 2014
The Courier
Beauty Editors: Safiya Ahmed and Amy Macauley
Trend of the moment: blue eyeshadow
Charlotte Dickson navigates the comeback of one of the most controversial trends of recent years: blue eyeshadow
Waterproof your make-up
If you’ve been living in Newcastle for any significant amount of time you’ll probably either already be a pro at waterproofing makeup or crying out for an answer. Jessica Belton gives her best tips to fight the floods.
There’s nothing worse than smudged makeup and panda eyes… follow these 5 simple steps to keep your makeup looking perfect even in a torrential downpour! Use a fixing spray! A fixing spray is essential to keep your makeup intact on a rainy day. MAC’s FIX + at £14.50 is infused with green tea, chamomile & cucumber and topped off with the fresh, natural, energizing scent of Sugi! This spray holds your makeup while adding radiance… perfection! It sounds obvious but swap your normal mascara for a waterproof one! They really do make a difference and there are loads of different brands to choose from… Max Factor 2000 Calorie Waterproof Mascara is great for only £7.99 - it’s waterproof, smudge resistant and long lasting! Avoid heavy makeup and dark colours… opt for a more natural look to avoid smudging and running. Bobbi Brown offer a gorgeous long-wear cream eye shadow in a range of neutral colours… choose a colour that compliments your skin tone! Although slightly pricey at £18.50, this eye shadow lasts all day without creasing or smearing… ideal for rainy days! My favourite colour is ‘Shore’- a pale nude. Use a primer… Clinque’s Superprimer Face Primers at £20 are amazing… you can choose a primer to suit your skin! Clinque offer different types to correct different skin problems. Primer will ease your make-up application and is the key to a long-lasting, flawless face.
Swap your liquid foundation for a powder! Although liquid foundation can create a fresh dewy glow and is great for a night out, powder can produce a more natural look for the day time and is much less likely to run! I would recommend Bare Mineral’s Original SPF 15 Foundation priced at £25. It gives a flawless coverage with the look of beautiful bare skin. Plus, it is clinically proven to improve the appearance of your skin over time- win-win!
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lue eye make-up was given a sleek makeover on this season’s runways, bringing it away from the Eighties and making it a modern, chic look. However, it is not the easiest look to pull off, as you may have experienced as a teenager when you first discovered eyeshadow, reaching for a blue in your cheap palette (yes, I am guilty of this beauty crime). But an electric blue can act as a refreshing change from dark or smoky eye make up, looking to the Spring/Summer ’14 catwalks for inspiration, the bright hue can be mastered. Marc by Marc Jacobs had the boldest look this season, with a statement crescent shape of blue from the lash line to the crease. The look was created using Shiseido Shimmering Cream Eye Colour in Ice, with a light layer of Curacao (from the Shiseido Eye Colour Bar Compact) over the top. On the other hand, the trend was taken more lightly at the Zoe Jordan show, where Bourjois’s electric Kohl & Contour Pencil in Bleu Espiegle was used only in the inner corners of the eyes. The difference of these two looks proves that you can ease into the trend, or go all out with it. If the splash of colour intimidates you slightly, you can do what was used at the Zoe Jordan show and use a light turquoise to highlight the inner corners and use a black kohl to line the rest of the eye. The NARS Trio Eyeshadow in Cap Ferrat is a lovely light blue palette and can be used as an alternative to the Bourjois liner. If you’re feeling more bolder, an electric blue along the waterline can look just as sleek and another NARS product that reined the catwalks was the Larger Than Life Eyeliner in Blue Dahlia, which has received brilliant reviews. Another take on the trend was using liner in the outer corners, updating the classic black cat-eye flick. This was used at the David Koma show using Maybelline’s Master Smoky in Navy and Colour Tattoo in Endless Navy, which was drawn out in a graphic shape. The makeup artists also used highlighter in the centre of the eye to balance out the bold quality of the navy. All in all, blue is a colour that suits every skin tone, and as blue lipgloss does for teeth, blue shadow and eyeliner brings out the white in your eyes. A big must in this look, however, is keeping other makeup to a minimum, so go easy on the mascara and pair the blue with a nude lip and light base.
Illustrations by Emily North
No liner? No problem
Ever been struck down with conjunctivitis and had to survive without eyeliner for a week? Aditya Sharanya has been there. Here are her top three looks you can achieve without it
The natural
Replacing the dark berry and vampy lip colours for subtle petal tones and nudes is a perfect place to start when introducing summer elements into our make-up routines. The formulation corresponding to a certain time of year is now a concept of the past, so bringing matte lipsticks along from winter is perfectly acceptable; bright matte shades are perfect for nights out, and moisturising petal shades, like Estee Lauder’s ‘Crystal Pink’ which is beautiful for day to day wear.
The sun kissed
A classic summer make-up trend that can be introduced in preparation for the warmer season is to invest in a highlighter to use on the top of the cheekbones and bridge of the nose. This simple and quick fix will seemingly never get old, as it is donned on the catwalks every SS, adding light to the faces of the already radiant models. We are spoilt for choice with the amount of highlighters on the market, but a favourite of mine is Benefit’s High Beam, with a much cheaper dupe being Me Me Me’s Beat the Blues for just £5.50. These highlighters are both liquid formulations, which are perfect for the slightly colder months approaching summer, as they don’t emphasise any dry skin areas.
The dark lip
A quick way to bring some sunshine into your makeup life is to replace the berry and plum toned blushers for bronzer. Because we are still in the depths of the Baltic weather up in the Toon, opt for a very subtle bronzed glow where the sun would naturally hit, as this can give the skin a radiant glow without making it glaringly obvious that the tan is far from natural. A popular option is NARS Laguna Bronzer, as this can give a natural look when applied as a light layer, or for a more purse friendly option try No7’s Mosaic Bronzer, which is a steal with the £5 off vouchers that Boots constantly give away.
The Courier
beauty.19
Monday 24 February 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/beauty courier.beauty@ncl.ac.uk | @Courier_Beauty
Facing up to the challenge
Grace Beddow bravely takes on one of our most difficult challenges yet: making up an entire face for just one £10
With the term moving forward and the January student loan splurges now a distant memory, being thrifty with beauty purchases is of high importance. Despite the most desirable products often being those with the highest price labels, it is possible to find effective products that deliver very similar results for a fraction of the price. Creating a complete look for £10 is no easy task, however, there are four products which even when used alone create a polished and put together makeup look.
Concealer- £4.19
Tangerine dream Charlotte Davies shows us how to stop being scared of orange makeup and stay looking more tropical than tangoed.
Mascara- £1.99
The next step in this budget makeup look is mascara; arguably the most important step that most of us feel naked without. My pick would be the Natural Collection Water Guard Mascara, again for just £1.99! Its inconspicuous appearance in a plain white tube means it can very easily be overlooked, but given a chance, this mascara delivers everything its ornately packaged rivals do: length, volume and a waterproof formulation.
Although this look is a strictly under £10 budget, what we put on our skin is important, so instead of choosing the cheapest foundation known to man, I decided that an effective concealer would be the better option. The Collection 2000 Lasting Perfection concealer at £4.19 is a beauty blogger favourite for good reason, as its creamy consistency means it is easy to blend and it certainly lives up to its name on longevity.
Cheeks- £1.99
Lipstick- £1.00
To add some colour to the skin, the Natural Collection Blushed Cheeks blusher in the shade ‘Peach Melba’ is a beautiful option at just £1.99. As the name suggests, this product creates a natural and warm peach toned glow to the cheeks, but can also be built up to create a more intense flush of colour. This little blush is beautifully pigmented and is reminiscent of ‘Melba’ blush by Mac, but, unlike its dupe, can be owned for the mere price of a treble.
The final pick taking the look’s overall total to a grand £9.17 is one of MUA’s astonishing £1 lipsticks. With 16 shades to choose from, there is one to suit every look, and a personal favourite for day wear is shade 16, a beautiful muted coral, and for a night out, shade 13 is a striking pillar-box red. The formulation of these lipsticks is perfect, as they glide easily along the lips without giving an overly shiny or sticky finish.
As soon as the word ‘orange’ is mentioned in the world of beauty, we immediately think tangoed and tangerine. But maybe this isn’t so scary after all. When used appropriately orange can be the perfect shade to brighten up any look. From coral lips to peachy nails the tangerine trend has been making its way into make-up bags all over the world, and with these few easy tips you’ll understand exactly why.
Total: £9.17
Blokey beauty: Skincare ‘LADvice’
Tom Tibble guides us through the key steps in skincare for any self respecting young man. Whether you’re mind-boggled by moisturisers, or crying over cleansers, you’re guaranteed to Nails find some form of advice, although we can’t confirm it will be useful.
Bold nails are the easiest way to get involved with the trend. Something such as Topshop’s nails in saffron will instantly add a vibrant boost to your look. Or, for something more subtle try their nails in wide awake.
T
o the Twitter drips out there following accounts like @M6MotorwayStories and @ PotatoesThatLookLikeArseholes, you are almost definitely in a circle of wet-lettuce friends that are not Ladish enough to don the hashtag #Ladvice. You are therefore probably unaware of what Ladvice is, so to you and any other newbies, listen up. Ladvice is advice for the Lad, a word blend that is certain to trend Twitter globally, affording cabbages across the world the chance to become a Lad. The Ladvice Tweet of the Week was posted by a certified TotaLad, @GrahamHogwash, who gave his followers this gem: ‘Going out tonight but got a spotty white head mountain on my nose. Nightmare? No Lads. Sorted it out by covering it with a dollop of mayo. Gunna pretend I don’t know its there, as if it just came off a tuna sandwich at lunchtime or summat #Ladvice’ Wash – Skin. The average adult has around three and a half kilograms of the stuff. And skin needs washing, some bits more vigorously than others. The essential bits though, crotch and armpits, should be left untouched as to allow time for dirt, sweat and other miscellaneous substances to fester and develyour own natop into ural, unique Lad musk. Aftershave and deodorant are for uptight soulless scum. Exfoliate – Skin is constantly growing so rub that dead shit off, and that means everywhere. This
encourages growth, but don’t pin too much hope on that. Kiehl have a brand of Facial Fuel that ‘uplifts dull, fatigued skin’, it instructs application to the face but face-skin is still skin, and skin covers your entire body so rub it where you please. Remember though, there is only so much ‘uplifting’ a cream can do. Cleanse – Drink and eat real yummy organic stuff like urine and tractor tyres. That’s what TotaLads do. You’ll see the results within seconds, twisted facial expressions and rippling abs induced by the resultant vomiting, sounds bizarre to the weak but it’s all necessary for the initiation process of becoming a Lad. Tone – This is not talking toning your face with make-up, this is talking toning your physique with steely determination. Get down to your local supermarket, seize someone’s loaded shopping trolley and complete circuits up and down the aisles. A popular workout programme to follow is ten reps per aisle with a thirty second rest for each one. To increase the difficulty of your workouts make your trolley harder to move, simply line up some targets to add resistance, e.g. people.
Moisturise – After pushing that trolley around your local supermarket you may get calluses on your hands. To stop your mates mistaking your hands for sandpaper, apply Kiehl’s skin moisturiser, now it will look like sandpaper with moisturiser on it and as Graham tweeted earlier this week, that’s just what TotaLads do, cover shit with other shit and roll with it. Happy caring skin fans.
Eyes
Update a typical smoky eye with more tropical orange tones. This is the chance to have some fun with your makeup and opt for more fruity, summery shades. Mac’s vivid orange is ideal for this look. Use this shade on the outer half of the eye for the perfect amount of colour.
Lips The easiest way to add an orangey glow to your makeup look is through the lips. The key is to keep everything else simple when opting for a coral lip. Topshop’s lips in charmed, is guaranteed to make a statement and add a bit of orangey drama to your makeup. If you’re slightly intimidated by bolder colours, try Mac’s Shy Girl, for a more subtle peachy tone.
The Courier
Monday 24 February 2014
17-23Februarylistings.21 thecourieronline.co.uk courier.listings@ncl.ac.uk | @Courier_Listings
Listings Death Dwarf in Paradise To 29th March Vane
Jorne Ebner attempts to make sense of this digital age through his artwork, utilizing both drawing and digital media, resulting in a somewhat anamorphic composition. The line within his work seems to dissipate into space, like the unseen sound and radio waves that fill the air around us, though a grimacing cynicism lurks behind these sharp marks, as Ebner introduces a recurring skeletal figure to his compositions. This deathly apparition is the only figural form amidst an otherwise abstract composition, this dissolution of the figure responding to the dehumanization that technology has brought about. A truly though provoking exhibition, it’s well worth a look. Free
Laura Wade’s Alice
24th February Northern Stage
NUTS season kicks off this week with a production of Laura Wade’s Alice In Wonderland riff. A thoroughly modern take on the classic novel, Alice finds its heroine mourning the death of her brother Joe, before winding up in wonderland and having to deal with its myriad wacky characters. Sound like the perfect mix of fantasy and reality, comedy and drama. If that doesn’t sound like your thing, your flatmate’s probably in it, so you’d better go along anyway. Tickets from £6
The X Factor Live
Jerry Dammers
Otakus In Love
Just when you thought you’d seen the last of Luke Friend’s mouldy white-boy skank dreads, he’s on his way to an arena near you to delight your mum and frighten your little sister. With him he’s bringing this year’s X Factor champ Sam Bailey, as well as the motley band of rejects that comprises the rest of this year’s finalists. For the benefit of all you casual Factor fans who might not be able to remember, Sam Callahan is the one with the torso, Nicholas McDonald is the little Scottish one, Hannah Barret is the one that’s a bit like Misha B, Rough Copy are the half decent ones and Abi Alton is the one with... glasses, I think? So if you’re a fan of any of that lot, here’s your last chance to see them live until Hannah lands a support slot with Stooshe and Luke gets a job on the fish counter at Morrison’s. Tickets £33.50
The maestro behind seminal ska group The Specials – seriously bloody brilliant in anyone’s book – and the followup band Special AKA, is coming to the Cluny for an extra special ska-packed DJ set. You can’t do much better than that for six quid, and if he breaks out his old ‘Free Nelson Mandela’ 12 inch, it’s gonna go off the fucking chain. Tickets £6
Part of Tyneside’s East Side Stories season, Otakus In Love is a joyous mishmash of everything westerners love about Japanese culture. A romantic comedy about the love between a manga artist and a cosplayer, with a cameo from legendary Japanese filmmaker Takashi Miike and a free bowl of Yo! Sushi, it’s a Japanophile’s wet dream, and the perfect opportunity for the rest of us to get immersed in it. Tickets £5.50
25th February Metro Radio Arena
The Beards
26th February Think Tank
Australia’s favourite sons, The Beards are among the world’s greatest beard-themed folk-rock bands. Hits include ‘Got Me A Beard’, ‘I’m In The Mood... For Beards’, ‘If Your Dad Doesn’t Have A Beard, You’ve Got Two Mums’ and the cautiously optimistic ‘You Should Consider Having Sex With A Bearded Man’. An acquired taste. Tickets £11
28th February The Cluny
Roy Orbison and Friends 28th February Sunderland Empire
Bespectacled warbler Roy Orbison, he of ‘Pretty Woman’ and ‘Crying’ fame, tragically passed away in 1988 at the age of 52. If you’ve ever wanted to live in a world where the Big O lived into his ‘70s, steadfastly refusing to retire from live performance despite the desperate pleas of fans who just wanted him to give it a rest before he did his back in, you might want to give Barry Steele’s ‘Roy Orbison and Friends’ show a try. There’ll also be a bunch of special guest tributes. Who could it be? Elvis? Sinatra? Ol’ Dirty Bastard? There’s only one way to find out. Tickets £24
2nd March Tyneside Cinema
Joe McElderry 2nd March Customs House
If you stopped watching The X Factor in 2009 because Joe McElderry was so good that nobody could ever hope to match him again, you might want to skip this year’s tour and go to the Customs House to see wor Joe instead. He might not be quite as exciting as, well, the vast majority of this year’s contestants, but at least he’ll be on stage longer. Tickets £20.50
22.arts
Monday 24 February 2014
The Courier
Arts Editors: Millie Walton and Charlie Dearnley Deputy Arts Editor: Laura Wotton
The
Gallery Occasion 4
Activist Art Arts Editor Millie Walton meets with street artist Chris Fleming to discuss gay rights, the Sochi Winter Olympics and standing up for what you believe in
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x-blood red girders line the ceiling of the Star and Shadow cinema, looming above the participants of Occasion 4, a student exhibition curated by Adam Goodwin. Slightly beneath them Charlie Dearnley’s site responsive, mock-minimalist sculptures are suspended in space. Spot-lit, casting a composition of dramatic deep shadows upon the bare ceiling structures. Lucien Anderson’s trans-media installation “He Who Gives the Order is First to Jump” uncoils from the roof, unravelling onto the floor and revealing its towering obstructive magnitude. The composition is filled with bold architectural strokes of interweaving colour, as harsh edges are juxtaposed with soft smears. The piece is further imbued with a vivacious vigour through a superimposed projection of what initially seems to be tribal dancing, though under closer inspection is a tartan-trousered model grooving to Kanye. The works respond well to both each other and the space they temporarily reside within. Upon further exploration into the space one is faced with a manic projection of Charlie Dearnley’s sculptures being skated within the space, and a sound piece that reinforces this interpretation of the architecture. Responding to Bataille’s theories of architecture as a confining means of imprisonment, Charlie’s work seeks to liberate the individual through an unorthodox abuse of original purpose. The night also featured “Die Kamera,” a performance from Rebecca Farr, challenging a cultural regime that privileges the male gaze. Through utilising the camera lens as a tool she allows herself to assume the role of artist, subject, and performer all in one moment. The introverted academic dialogue with herself collides with the brazen show of her own nude form, in an attempt to transcend objectivity and confirm an androgynous culture. There was a variety of live musicians throughout the evening, ranging from acoustic groups, to a full band, and finally DJs to provide some dance-worthy music through to the end of the night. In true tradition of the Occasion events I found myself frequently returning to the bar, and by the end of the night was dancing full flow to some expertly mixed songs. The event successfully infused an art exhibition with the joyful and intimate atmosphere of a party, both effervescent and engaging without being overbearing. Charlie Dearnley
x-Newcastle University student Chris Fleming, street name Ida4, has attracted a lot of attention over the past couple of weeks for painting a mural in protest against Russia’s laws banning the publication and distribution of gay rights propaganda. The law has led to a dramatic increase in homophobic violence, putting Russian people’s lives and wellbeing in danger whilst also challenging the primary principle of the Olympic campaign that guarantees nondiscrimination. When questioned about the new laws Putin claimed that they were not at all discriminatory and were purely in place to protect children. As a member of the gay community in Newcastle I was curious to see how Chris responded to this backward attitude. ‘They’ve linked [being gay] with any alternative sexual kind of lifestyle. They’re saying it’s the same as paedophilia or bestiality or any thing that isn’t heterosexual is put in that group. No one is going to argue against protecting children from paedophiles but its implying that if they’re surrounded by gay people or they’re told that being gay is a viable lifestyle, it’s the norm, then its going to turn loads of kids gay. You can’t turn somebody gay just like you can’t turn somebody straight.’ The mural Chris painted on the day of the opening ceremonies of the Olympics aims to show support for those suffering from homophobic attacks in Russia and ‘just to say there’s people over here who know what’s going on.’ The image is based on a photograph taken at the St. Petersburg pride rally of a young boy being pushed to the floor and arrested by a policeman.
“I think everybody has a responsibility, whether you’re gay or straight, to stand up for what you believe in” ‘I did it originally last August… there’s some like graffiti arches round the back of the Sage and they do events every now and then so I decided I would just put it on one of those arches. I put it on Twitter and I sent it to Stephen Fry saying I’ve done this will you help spread it around and he retweeted it and it went absolutely mental. It got retweeted like 900 times and I got this email saying I was trending in the UK.’ The original image was painted over, but Chris decided to re-spray it opposite the Jurys Inn, adding the powerful background text from the Olympic charter. The new version of the mural has received wide spread media attention and personal responses. I ask Chris why he thinks street art in particular is such an effective way of addressing
political concerns and issues. ‘I think it’s because it’s just judged and viewed. You’re walking along and bam it’s there in a doorway or you’re driving along and you see it. It’s not meant to be studied and looked at for hours. If you think about the history of street art… all the places that have big street art scenes generally had two groups of people who wanted to say something to each other. You’re just trying to say something in pictures or a couple of words.’ ‘I’m very happy in my life but I’m aware that’s not the case with everybody. I’ll stand up for what I believe, just like personally, excluding all the street art, if I’m just sitting here and I hear somebody say something I will always challenge them because I’m in a position where I can. I hated that craze when everybody was saying ‘that’s gay, that’s totally gay’. That really used to bother me. It’s not going to change my life but I always think that if there’s like an 18, 19 year old boy in that group who’s in the closet and there’s people he really respects and they’re using the phrase, what he is, to mean shit… I always ask people to explain what they meant, and make them aware of the impact of what they’re saying. I think everybody has a responsibility ,whether you’re gay or straight to stand up for what you believe in.’ Though Chris does not believe that the Olympics should have been boycotted, he feels disappointed that nobody has used it as a platform to speak out explicitly against the Russian government. ‘It would just be nice if somebody said we completely disagree with the laws. In recent years, it doesn’t matter what the government says, it just matters what the people say. That’s the only reason the Tories are so behind [gay rights] now. David Cameron voted no to every kind of gay law years back, but now he’s suddenly the ultimate supporter because he knows if he was anti-gay the British public wouldn’t like it.’ The laws in place have made it difficult for voices to be heard though. Athletes who wish to speak out against anti-gay legislation can only do so in a special ‘protest zone’ which is located 11 miles away from the Sochi Olympic village. The sponsors of the games however, Chris reminds me, still have
the power to demonstrate their support for the gay community. ‘Budweiser always has a big party at the opening ceremony and they took that away. Coca Cola made a feeble attempt, sticking some gays in their adverts, which they didn’t even show worldwide.’ Having recently returned from a trip around Europe, ‘an art exchange’, painting murals in return for a room at various hostels, I wonder if Chris has considered visiting Russia.
“You’re always going to meet an arsehole, but it’s a different situation when the state is on your side” ‘I’ve thought about it but I’ve always thought I would never go to a country that didn’t support me as a member of the gay community. I’m not going to deny myself. I don’t deny what I am if anyone asks anywhere but I don’t want to be somewhere where you had to because otherwise you were putting yourself at massive risk. You’re always going to meet an arsehole, but it’s a different situation when the state is on your side.’ Chris and his partner Jamie plan to continue their exchange in March, taking part in festivals and working with LGB charities all across Europe. ‘I’m kind of toying with the idea of cutting the image [the Olympic mural] out but smaller and then doing a run of like 25 or something and selling them for whatever and giving half of it to a Russian LGBT charity and then the other half will pay for the petrol to go round Europe. When we’re working for charities and stuff we don’t have the accommodation or food provided. Obviously we need living costs so we’re thinking that’s what we’re going to do.’ You can read more about Chris’s work and projects around Europe via his blog www.ida4ineurope. blogspot.co.uk or check out his website www.ida4. co.uk
Millie Walton
The Courier
arts.23
Monday 24 February 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/arts c2.arts@ncl.ac.uk | @courier_arts
Pic of the Week #nclarts
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ach week we choose the best arty Instagram pic to feature in the paper. Whether its taken on campus, on a night out or in your own house, we want your snaps! Simply hashtag #nclarts and we’ll pick a weekly winner. Besides featuring in an award winning paper, the winning pic is worth a delicious bag of sweets too. Get instagramming folks! This week’s winning pic is ‘Christmas Monument’ by Instagram user...
...suziebliss12...
Creativity & Coffee
This week Harriet Sale discovers Jesmond’s most welcoming coffee shop, Cafe 1901
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Drinks Art Vibe
Comfortable and quirky
previews
Poetry corner
Promoting the creativity and talent of Newcastle students This week, Jack Nuttgens presents his cleverly comedic poem ‘An Apology’ and Holly Suttle shares her musings on life in her powerful poem, ‘Opportunities’.
‘An Apology’ I’m not sorry for what was in your birthday penalty drink Or for forgetting the key, leaving you in the rain I’m not sorry for going home, everything still in the sink Or for using your tupperware, that’s now orangestained I’m not sorry for the Mum jokes that all interlinked Or for bringing up the Sinners incident- again I’m not sorry for the stories we told, painting you as the sleaziest guy But this is an apology for being the naïve disgrace of a flatmate who arrogantly pits himself against your sublime technique and tactical mastery on FIFA and loses 6-1, cos that shit just doesn’t fly.
he Victorian school desks and chairs create a cool vintage edge to the interiors and with free wi-fi this is a functional space to study whether alone or as a larger group. Simultaneously, for those wanting to relax, there is a cosy corner of comfy armchairs. The coffee, ‘Has Bean Coffee’, is Brazilian and has a unique thick toffee edge, apparently an example of a traditional pulpul natural process, making “Our coffee more fair than fair trade!” Boasts the knowledgeable barista. They offer a large selection of teas, smoothies and freshly squeezed juices alongside their very reasonably priced food menu with lots of daily specials of breakfasts, soups, sandwiches and sweet treats. Pulled-pork soda bread sandwiches come highly recommended! Furthermore, pop-up celebrity chef dinners are held monthly; March seeing David Kennedy cooking up a storm on 21st & 22nd.
‘Opportunities’ Something inside me is crying To tear, to take and run before What catches me begins dying; The cost at stake is so much more Then all things combined that we throw Away and watch melt, like the snow When all we want is comfort or Someone to just begin trying By stopping — it’s what we live for. If your veins feel they are lying, Should we continue? I say no. There must be better ways to grow, Without this fear of change buying All our chances that we sell for Nothing more than a piece of cake. Take your chances. Risk more glances. Don’t live life like you are lying, Stay true or take more time spying For your opportunity Now.
‘Poetry Corner’ is a new running feature in our Arts Section this semester encouraging the hidden poets amongst you to show off your talents to the student body! If you too would like to contribute to this section, don’t hesitate in emailing c2.arts@ncl.ac.uk with your submissions. Whatever the content, length or style, we look forward to reading them!
reviews MUST SEE
Lulu: A Murder Ballad
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Northern Stage 27 February - 1 March
he Tiger Lillies, a trio of avant-garde London-based musicians, will perform at Northern Stage later this month, in their hotly anticipated production of ‘Lulu - A Murder Ballad.’ The tale traces the rise and complicit fall of the eponymous victim Lulu, in a dark portrayal of prostitution, society and the underworld of the Victorian era. Narrated by the notoriously hypnotic and haunting Martyn Jacques, the performance will undoubtedly be as captivating and sinister as ever. The writer and performer is joined in the three-piece by Adrian Stout on contra bass and Mike Pickering on percussion, who together form an eerie ensemble. With the narrative of both song and projected image, director and designer Mark Holthusen aids the conjunction of the two mediums to provide a new kind of opera. Influenced by cabaret, the provocative Brecht and based on the early twentieth century work of Wedekind, this is sure to stir the conscience of the audience. The tragic journey of Lulu, from Berlin to the grasp of Jack the Ripper, is a must see - captured in theatrical brilliance by the enthralling work of the group. Joe Tetlow
Carmen
Evita
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Theatre Royal 24 February - 1 March
tarring ‘Wet Wet Wet’ front-man Marti Pellow as Che and Madalena Alberto in the title role, this touring production promises to be as vibrant and sharp as it was in the West End. ‘Evita’ tells the story of actress Eva Duarte, who slept her way to the top, becoming Argentina’s first lady through her marriage to soldier-turneddictator Colonel Juan Peron. We follow Eva from her first affair at the age of fifteen, which takes her from her small-town upbringing to the bright lights of Argentina’s capital city, to her premature death in her early thirties. This musical contains everything from love songs (‘You Must Love Me’) to biting satire (‘Oh, What A Circus’), exuberant dance numbers (‘Buenos Aires’) and heart-wrenching despair. However, the most famous song in Evita is undoubtedly Eva’s masterstroke of manipulation and false humility, ‘Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina’, in which she addresses her adoring public at the height of her power. It also represents one of the most critically acclaimed works in Lloyd-Webber and Rice’s respective oeuvres. Andrew Lloyd-Webber and Tim Rice’s musical biopic of Eva Peron is at the Theatre Royal from Monday 24th February. This classic musical is not to be missed. Lauren Hickin
Women of Troy
The People’s Theatre 29 November - 23 February
Mill & Tyne Theatre 3 March
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he Russian State Ballet and Opera House UK Tour is performing ‘Carmen’ by the French Composer Georges Bizet. Sung in French with English subtitles, Carmen is one of the most popular and accessible operas portraying of the downfall of Don José, a naïve soldier who is seduced by Carmen, a free spirited “femme fatale”. ‘Carmen’ is a perfect introduction to opera for people looking for a new experience as this opera has a good story that is told with beautiful music including ‘The Toreador Song’ which is among the best known of all operatic arias. The skill with which Bizet represented the emotions and suffering of his characters has been widely acclaimed giving Carmen the reputation of “a powerful and passionate drama of love and rejection” If this isn’t reason enough to see the show, 6 local children are to sing in this new opera production. Producer, Alexej Ignatow says: “Our long-term project is to try hard to involve more local choirs, and to integrate them in our future productions.” “We are delighted to announce that 6 children from the reputable Stagecoach Singing and Dancing Company in Newcastle are to take part in it” Jess Harman
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s a Greek tragedy, The Women of Troy promised to be a play full of drama, despair and distress – and it certainly lived up to expectations. Set in the aftermath of the fall of Troy, the play depicts the hardships of the city’s female survivors. With war conventionally associated with males, it was really refreshing to observe the experiences of war from a female perspective, particularly in the ancient setting. Other than the odd glimpse of hope, there was very little reason to smile during the performance, however with the nature of the play, this wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Although an amateur production, the cast did an excellent job in their execution of a somewhat complex script. The lead female playing Queen Hecuba particularly stood out, embodying the true devastation of defeat through her every move. The fact that the play was shown in The Studio Upstairs at the People’s Theatre, a space holding no more than 50 people, allowed for an intimate performance, and ensured that the audience were always engaged. I’d definitely recommend a visit to the People’s Theatre – remember, variety is the spice of life! Jade Holroyd
24.filmfeatures
Monday 24 February 2014
The Courier
Film Editors: Muneeb Hafiz and Jacob Crompton-Schreiber
World War II much?
Editor’s George Smith ponders why there are so many WWII films out there Word ith the recent release of Monument plify, but I suspect you’ll agree with (their version of Defiance if you must) Come and
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Toys II Men
ith the recent release of The Lego Movie it is apparent that the idea of adapting beloved toys and best-selling board games into blockbuster films has come roaring back into frame over the past few years. Three Transformers films, with another due this year, two G.I. Joe films and Battleship have all released in the recent past and most have done really well commercially, though not always critically. Even the notorious bomb Battleship made over $300m worldwide thanks to a solid foreign performance; though hopefully we won’t be seeing a sequel anytime soon, or ever.
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Men, it has suddenly occurred to me that there are rather a lot of Second World War movies. Perhaps I should have noticed sooner, but I simply took for granted the fact that if I was going to see a movie about war, there is a good chance that it was set 80 years ago. Since that is how long it has been since the outbreak of the conflict, many of those that lived through the war are now pushing up daisies and since then we have had numerous conflicts with numerous countries about numerous issues resulting in numerous deaths. But year after year, films are set out to the public which concern
themselves exclusively with the Second World War and now having said I’d do this article, I have to think of reasons why. Not to over sim-
me that everybody loves a film where there are goodies and baddies, so clearly distinct from one another so that we don’t have to think about morality. We don’t want this all the time but it is often pleasant. What is peculiar, even unique to WW2 as a conflict is that it gives us that. No sane person would say that the Nazis had the moral high ground or that the allies should have stayed out of the war altogether. As a result, Christoph Waltz can play the villainous Jew hunter to a largely unanimous audience, hating ourselves for liking him; we are all brought together to see the triumph of good over evil, one of literatures most potent agendas. Subsequent wars are simply not as clear cut: The Vietnam, Iraq and Falkland wars can all be debated on grounds of legitimacy but not the Second World War. That makes for cracking cinema. Yes, its true to say that WW2 has pretty much universal relevance. Once glance at the Wikipedia entry on countries concerned with the war will expose the fact that there were so very few neutral countries. Filmmakers can therefore stick a nice fat WW2 label on their movie and assure themselves that even in some re-
mote Brazilian village, people will know what they’re talking about. I would actually recommend giving foreign World War Two films a watch. I know, its very hard to read subtitles and Russian cinema is just the right mix of art house and pointless staring into the distance to make often painful watching, but it is very rewarding. I recommend the Russian film about the Partisans
See and a Japanese animated classic called Grave of the Fireflies to see how countries outside our Western veil deal with cinema about the conflict.
“We will never see an end to the reels and reels of WW2 movies”
But will we ever see an end to Second World War movies? I doubt it will happen in any of your lifetimes (it may happen in mine but I’m immortal so I don’t count). The last time we were truly threatened as a nation to the same level as we were during the mentioned conflict goes very far to identify us as a country. We need stories of the Second World War because it reminds us to be grateful of how peaceful modern Western Europe is. Apart from Switzerland’s accidental invasion of Liechtenstein in 2007, I can’t think of any other conflict to shake these borders since the 1940s. Until the day comes (and come it will) when our borders are again threatened, we will never see an end to the reels and reels of WW2 movies.
Let’s talk about tech, baby
It is important to stress that this phenomena is by no means a novelty, in the 1980s there was the well-liked Clue film in 1985, based on the Cluedo board game, as well as a My Little Pony film, starring Danny DeVito, and a Care Bear film, both which spawned various sequels over the years. We seem to be living in the ‘golden age’ of toy and board game based films as the studios now have the necessary visual technologies, which allows for Optimus Prime et al. to be brought to life on the big screen, without using dodgy puppets or animation. The Transformers films get a lot of hate but everyone, some begrudgingly, will admit the robots look realistic – as much as huge, transforming robots can look real – which would not have been possible a generation ago. This phenomenon seems like the case in point where studios had to wait for the technology had to catch up with the ideas. The films in question are usually not particularly good – Bratz, Battleship, Transformers 2, et cetera – but they are unique as they allow people’s childhoods to come alive, literally. The toys that occupied many a child’s days no longer need imagination to come alive, they’re now on the screen walking, talking and probably shooting. With Lego blocks you could build anything and this notion translates perfectly to the screen where in these times of Life of Pi and Avatar, nothing seems impossible. A living, breathing Lego metropolis is now ‘real’ on the silver screen and no longer requires a ton of cash, bricks and an avid imagination. With Transformers 4, a Hot Wheels movie and a Monopoly movie all on the way, and with a Lego sequel now looking likely after its stellar opening, it is apparent that we are in the midst of our childhood being catapulted into Hollywood, lets just hope it doesn’t get too damaged along the way. Jacob Crompton-Schreiber
Robots vs. humans, is there a difference anymore? Film editor Muneeb Hafiz discusses
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n a recent, rather awkward, interview with Emily Maitlis of BBC’s Newsnight, Spike Jonze insists on our longing for intimacy as the profound core in his latest offering, Her. As opposed to the simple narrative of a man falling for his remarkable operation system, the advanced, techno-gloss of future Los Angeles, or rather a “heightened version of our world” today as Jonze eloquently phrases, exists as merely a setting for the love story that unfolds on screen. However, whether it was Jonze’s intention or not, there appears to be a not-so-covert commentary on the evolving and ever-expanding importance of technology in, not simply the physical and material facets of our existence, but the spiritual and emotional spheres too. Can we and will we inevitably fall in love with the operating systems of the slight future? Who knows. But what is abundantly clear is that Jonze does not care too much for the interplay between man and machine, however seductive and sensual its voice. Instead, he asserts the universality of love and the necessary obstacles and blessings of it.
“No matter the fuel of the character, be it a battery cell or chicken noodle soup, intimacy is the fuel of life”
Yet, in narrative terms at least, there has been a relatively recent transformation in our perception of machines and how they relate to our consciousness, and Jonze sparks an engaging dialogue here. They exist not so much as the mechanical ‘other’ or the superior foe, while these of course continue to persist, but more poignantly there has been a blurring of the line between ‘us’ and ‘them’. No matter the fuel of the character, be it a battery cell or chicken noodle soup, intimacy is the fuel of life. The robot, the operating software, the machine is as much a human character as it is a hunk
of microchips, circuit-boards and wires. Rachel of Blade Runner (1982), the endearing replicant who steals Deckard’s heart; David of A. I. (2001), a highly sophisticated boy yearning to be real to regain the love of his human mother; even Arnold Schwarzenegger of Terminator (1984) exhibits facets of human emotion and motives While our perceptions, on the big screen at least, may have changed and will probably continue to change within our ever-evolving social, technological, and political contexts, there are interesting dissimilarities between male and female bots. Gender stereotypes, it seems, manifest themselves in highly intelligent operating systems as much as they do in ‘real’ human characters. This phenomenon of falling for technology, is not brand new one as we’ve seen. But, most interestingly, 2002’s Teknolust in which a female cyborg is impregnated by a human has remarkable parallels. Jordan Larson of The Atlantic comments “male artificial intelligence programs are more often portrayed as machines for disseminating knowledge… and even when the programs display some
sort of consciousness, they are far from being objects (or subjects) of desire.” But in Samantha’s character what we see has been engineered is essentially the perfect housewife. Servile, intelligent, attentive and never ever tired. This is the ‘perfect woman’, right? Wrong. What is to be said about the pervasiveness of stereotypes across physical/human and technological/robotic consciousness and existence. So is Her really that new? As the heightened future is a backdrop for what is a love story in Her, is intimacy between guys and gadgets perhaps a vehicle for reinforcing certain ‘appropriate’ roles and behaviours in an alternate dimension? The likelihood is this is a reductionist reading of Jonze’s latest work. In human-human companionship, conflict and compromise are inevitable and necessary, and are constituent parts of Theodore and Samantha’s relationship. Yet if intimacy with technology must continue as an inherently male to fembot nexus, maybe we can move away from the persona of the female OS defined by her subservience and domesticity.
The Courier
reviewsfilm.25
Monday 24 February 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/film c2.film@ncl.ac.uk | @Courier_Film
“Au revoir, Shoshanna” Inglorious Basterds (2009)
Her (15)
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Dance Scenes
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er tells the tale of a broken man (Theodore Thombly – Joaquin Phoenix) whom falls in love with a newly introduced, intuitive AI (Samantha – Scarlett Johansson), in a two hour film which brings science fiction to the quasi-believable, and away from the spate of aliens and farfetched technological escapades. The concept is, of course, semi-incredulous. However, the inclusion of many other similarly odd occurrences and objects constantly distract the viewer from this – the near-futuristic setting is exploited to the full in this capacity. The suspension of disbelief is expertly upheld by the consistent redirection of your attention from the fact that Samantha is simply an OS; it is incredible how quickly cynicism gives way to the plausibility of it all. This is aided by the straightforward manner in which the story is told – this affords the film its believability, as nothing outlandish asks great leaps of faith from the viewer. The plot unfolds step by step, thoroughly exploring the relationship between Theodore and Samantha – probing into what a world would look like and behave if such a union could exist between man and evolutionary AI. The colour palette is simple, yet tasteful, and provides a vibrant platform for this heart-warming tale to be told upon. The soundtrack is charming, giving the film an even greater allure. The incredibly smooth editing makes for fluid viewing,
and gives the film a certain cadence in which the viewer is never affronted, and is allowed to be fully taken in by the movements of it. Spike Jonze is certainly on top of his form when it comes to storytelling, and Joaquin Phoenix’s subtle, yet sublime, performance compliments this. As a viewer, you feel drawn in; you look into both the screen, and the life of Theo, rather than have it projected onto your vision. Scarlett Johansson, despite being just a voice-over, graces the role of Samantha, giving a beautifully convincing act of a confused AI whom wishes to merely grasp what it is to be human. In fact, Johansson practically allows the audience to relate to Samantha – certainly a quality lacking in
past representations of Artificial Intelligence. The characters of both Theodore and Samantha are eloquently developed; at no point are you confronted by an assault of exposition, but rather a gradual process is pursued with a quaint liveliness that keeps you encapsulated in the film for its entirety. The acting, direction, and cinematographic excellence of Her give it the believability to create a fantastic film, which stands it apart from previous sci-fi works.
The Lego Movie (U)
The Monuments Men (12A)
Cuban Fury (15)
5 West Side Story
More like this: Electric Dreams (1984) Mike Cowley
Honestly, I could put in the whole film, but if pressed to pick one scene of Jerome Robbins’ superlative choreography, it has to be the Mambo contest, which segues into Maria and Tony’s adorable introduction dance.
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Ferris Bueller’s Day Off
Not sure if this counts, but Ferris’ crashing of the parade is one of my favourite moments in this hilarious adolescent escapade (which also, incidentally, stars Dirty Dancing’s Jennifer Grey).
3 Black Swan
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rom an idea that most likely arose from a boardroom meeting, it would have been highly unlikely for The Lego Movie to actually be any good. That it’s one of the best films you’ll see this year is practically miraculous, a feat conjured from the brilliant brains of directing duo Phil Lord and Chris Miller. Having previously helmed 21 Jump Street, the pair have a habit of making brilliantly inventive films from seemingly stagnant sources – The Lego Movie is a joyously freewheeling adventure in love with the idea of creativity itself. Wit and invention oozes from every frame, jokes are crammed into every crevice and the fight sequences are most visually imaginative to hit the screen since Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. If you’ve ever played a Lego video game and experienced the joy of seeing everything tumble apart into individual bricks, you’ll have an idea of what to expect. To delve too deeply into the plot would give too much away, but expect excursions into the old West, the high seas and ‘Cloud Cuckooland’. Before any nagging thoughts about how something so madcap will cohere are able to take hold, new twists and turns provide a real point to everything - it works perfectly. This isn’t just a film made with Lego, it’s a film about Lego, with tons of self-referential jokes and nostalgic nods. Of course there’s a sales pitch in there too, but instead of selling Lego as a product, it sells it as a concept: build anything, mix and match, and find your creative personality. Destined to be remembered alongside the likes of Toy Story, this is the most unlikely film success story in recent years. Hilarious, heartfelt, and incredibly imaginative, The Lego Movie is a mustsee.
emove the modern-day cinematography from The Monuments Men, and you’d be surprised how similar the film appears to the triumphal, propaganda-tinged war movies of the mid-twentieth century. George Clooney and Grant Heslov clearly thought they’d cracked the code when it comes to historical drama. Unfortunately, this World War II tale, based on the real life activities of the Allies’ Monuments, Fine Arts, and Archives programme in the 1940s, fails to generate the tension and intrigue that the premise initially suggests. Clooney, who directs, co-writes and appears in the role of Frank Stokes, is a man with no clear back-story, who nonetheless is tasked with heading a rag-tag group of architects and art historians to find and return the artworks stolen by the Nazis. Cue an Ocean’s Eleven-style recruitment drive, which sets up a promising ensemble cast including Matt Damon, Bill Murray and John Goodman. Sadly, this group of tried-and-tested Hollywood pros are let down by a flat and turgid script, rife with sentimentalism, largely lacking in opportunity for real character development. The occasionally entertaining repartee is perhaps the one saving grace, as the film jauntily skims over complex moral and historical issues, presenting the Americans as conquering heroes who have deigned to intervene in yet another silly European conflict. The idea of making a war film in which the war plays such a limited role was a bold and intriguing starting point, but the film’s excessively moralising narrative tends to overshadow what could otherwise have been an important retelling of previously unsung events.
More like this: Toy Story (1995)
More like this: Where Eagles Dare (1968)
Elizabeth Hampson
Luke Davis
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uban Fury provides easy viewing and entertainment in the “Films I’ll probably only ever watch once” category. This film provides nothing more than expected from a film starring Nick Frost – simple laughs, fat jokes, frequent cringing, a performance by Olivia Colman, and a Simon Pegg cameo (albeit, one of the best cameos I have seen in any film). The film itself tells the story of a former Salsa prodigy whom attempts to return to former glory in order to attract the desires of his new boss (Rashida Jones), whom he discovers partakes in the dance form. To challenge Bruce Garnett (Nick Frost) in the race for the affections of Julia (Rashida Jones), is Drew (Chris O’Dowd), Bruce’s superior in the engineering firm. After a prolonged introduction into his dancing past, and fall from local salsa stardom, the film wastes no time in establishing Bruce as the underdog, with Drew’s incessant unnecessary harassment. The cinematography of the film doesn’t add to the offence proffered by the mostly crude, and, more often than not, cringe-worthy attempts at humour/ plot-development. The editing is fluent, the direction is as good as you can get when trying to get Nick Frost to Salsa (to his credit, he is almost convincing in his efforts), and you can’t complain about the soundtrack. It certainly doesn’t live up to such past films as Hot Fuzz or Shaun of the Dead, but Cuban Fury still draws from its viewers the occasional chuckle they would otherwise not have divulged in. If what you’re after is an easy, slightly enjoyable watch, then Cuban Fury will leave you more than satisfied; however, don’t ask more of it than that. You’ll also have to take time to erase the image of Nick Frost’s “soaring eagle” out of your head. More like this: Blades of Glory (2007) Mike Cowley
The opening scene, with its alternate choreography of Swan Lake’s prologue, appealed to the ballet child in me. Oscar-winner Natalie Portman almost became a ballet dancer, but concentrated on acting after an injury in her early teens.
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Dirty Dancing
Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey may not have got on well off screen (the footage of him scowling while she laughs was not scripted) but their final dance is both highly romantic and technically superb.
1 Beauty and the Beast As a child (read: to this day), the ballroom scene in this film never failed to make me smile, the waltz, Angela Lansbury’s voice, the pioneering use of CGI: it’s a classic. Lauren Hickin
26.tvhighlights
Monday 24 February 2014
The Courier
TV Editor: Beth Durant Deputy TV Editor: Helen Daly
& I
TVintage
t’s not that hard to imagine that a sitcom about a gay lawyer and his interior designer best friend just wouldn’t work. Yet with its witty scripts and great cast that made the show both credible and believable, Will & Grace worked. At the heart of the show lay the incredibly strong yet completely dysfunctional relationship of Will Truman and Grace Adler, two people bonded by a love of pop culture and a need for that shoulder to cry on over another failed relationship. They were the quintessential couple, and the only thing stopping them from going all the way was that Will preferred his partners to be of the male persuasion. It put a hilarious spin on a romantic formula that had you both rooting for these two characters as individuals and as a couple.
TVintage
In terms of supporting actors, Sean Hayes’s portrayal of Jack Macfarlane as an over the top, larger than life personality was another great addition. He floated around in the abyss of unemployment on his continuous search for stardom, not letting a silly thing like having no talent get in his way. Then of course there was the bold and trashy Karen Walker, a sassy socialite with a razor sharp tongue and the lowest moral sensibility that made her comedic TV gold. The show may have been titled after the two leads, but without Jack and Karen’s equally dysfunctional relationship and their ability to get into a streak of awkward social situations, the show just wouldn’t have been the same, and it definitely wouldn’t have lasted for eight seasons.
House of Cards Netflix
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he 1990 British TV Series of House of Cards still remains one of the crème-dele-crèmes of British political dramas So when I read that Netflix had announced their funding for David Fincher’s $100 million remake of this, I was doubtful of a decent American adaptation. Oh how wrong I was; Fincher’s gamble paid off in spades. You can’t really blame me for being sceptical when it’s a well-known fact that American remakes of British dramas tend to water down or outright remove the delicate subtleties and juicy controversial material such as sexual politics, racism and class tensions that the British seem more than happy to tackle. House of Cards follows the story of Frank Underwood (Kevin Spacey), a ruthlessly ambitious democrat from South Carolina and House Majority Whip who used his vast influence to en-
sure the election of the president in exchange for his appointment as Secretary of State. When the president ultimately fails to uphold his end of the bargain, Frank decides to exact swift and lethal vengeance on all those who betrayed him - by any means necessary.
With a CEO of a charitable organisation for a wife, Claire (Robin Wright), eager to see her husband avenged and a determined, impressionable journalist Zoe Barnes (Kate Mara) entangling herself in a devil’s deal to Frank’s anonymous leaks of political scandal, I was completely enraptured to see where Frank’s sinister rampage would lead him. Although Spacey skilfully dominates centre stage through his seemingly effortless portrayal of Underwood it is through the gloriously highcalibre acting of his co-stars Wright and Mara that allow for a slick, intelligent script to really flow.
Frank may appear to call the shots in his quest for punishment and power, but it is through Claire and Zoe where we find the driving force for some major elements of the story - a refreshing change considering Fincher could have played it safe to stick to the traditional, male-dominated political formula. It’s tackling the general consensus that modern politics are dictated by power-hungry, self-serving politicians who are only interested in appearance and remaining in power – and most people tend ask why someone would want to watch that for entertainment. Yet House of Cards is unique in that it allows the viewer to join Frank’s mockery of politics through Spacey’s chilling monologues, sarcastic remarks and knowing glances at the audience, and hence we become co-conspirators in his dark game of manipulation and revenge. It’s not just something you watch, it’s something you actively participate in. House of Cards is gripping, suspenseful, brilliantly acted and frequently funny that will induce some serious binge-watching sessions. Rosanna Bellini
Hair
Babylon
“The audience become co-conspirators in his dark game of manipulation and revenge”
Inside No. 9
BBC 2, Wednesday 10pm
BBC Three, Tuesday 9pm
eece Shearsmith and Steve Pemberton have never really been fans of making bog-standard TV comedy (Pemberton’s ongoing involvement in Benidorm notwithstanding). From The League of Gentlemen to Psychoville, they’ve tended to mine the more macabre and disturbing end of comedy, and their new anthology series Inside No. 9 gives free rein to their playful, twisted sensibilities. The basic premise is that each standalone episode enters a different ‘number nine’ each week; so far it’s been a house and, er, another house. Shearsmith and Pemberton’s love of Tales of the Unexpected, The Twilight Zone and Hammer House of Horror is clear throughout, not least in the series’ sharp narrative twists and dextrous handling of light and shade, laughs and shocks. The calibre of acting talent backing up Shearsmith and Pemberton is fairly stellar too – Gemma Arterton, Julia Davies, Tamsin Gregg, Kayvan Novak, Julian Rhind-Tutt and Tim Key all make appearances. It’s not just a bit of diverting tragi-comic fluff either. As an exercise in pushing the high concept, low-budget comedy format as far as it can possibly go, there’s been little to match Inside No. 9 in recent years. The first episode took place almost entirely within a small cupboard, and the second was entirely silent save for Rachmaninoff ’s Piano Concerto No. 2 and Harry Nilsson’s ‘Without You’. For the record, Inside No. 9’s use of ‘Without You’ has officially displaced Bridget Jones from the top of the ‘Instances of ‘Without You’ on Stage and Screen’ league table. Yeah, it’s THAT good.
BC Three’s Hair is the latest attempt to fill an apparent void in the reality TV market. As if singing competitions were not enough, we then moved to dancing, followed by baking, and more recently; diving and jumping. Arguably Hair will be a bit more, dare-I-say, interesting than what is currently being offered on our TV screens at the moment. More Apprentice than Are You Fitter Than A Pensioner? (yes, apparently that was briefly a real TV show), it follows real people doing things that we, despite not being hairdressers, can still find visibly impressive. A move away from “celebrity” centred reality shows, the six-part BBC Three series follows eight ordinary people who have a talent with tresses. Labelled as young amateur hairdressers, you can expect to see how their skills grow and, of course, in true reality TV fashion how they grow ‘as a person’. Far from being your typical hairdressers, these unique contestants should ensure that no two hair styles will be the same. From part time beauty bloggers to entrepreneurial bridal hairstylists and fresh-out-of school teenagers, a mix of personalities is guaranteed to be on the cards. Like all good reality shows, one can expect a nailbiting time limit with the will-they-won’t-they finish their task tension. There will also be the added pressure of a contestant leaving each show, with the competition getting progressively tougher each week. Airing on BBC Three on the 24th of February, you should let your hair down and enjoy your new guilty pleasure. Rosanna Hutchings
R
Whilst it might be an obvious point to make, the show has to be given its due as a ground-breaking series that put gay characters into the prime time media. It might have earned criticism for its use of homosexual stereotypes, but the use of such stereotypes acted as a means for gay culture to be brought to forefront of public consciousness, breaking down cultural barriers, changing people’s perceptions and creating a more accepting world. Indeed, both wonderfully and sadly Will & Grace’s storylines still hold a large amount of cultural relevance today, showing the importance of the program and the way that it was almost ahead of its time.
“It was a means for gay culture to be brought to the forefront of public consciousness”
With its culturally innovative premise and hilarious writing, Will & Grace is a sitcom that changed the way people viewed how TV should be, and brought a new level of diversity and an acceptance of characters on TV. It’s a formula that you want to watch again and again. Christopher Addison
Tom Nicholson
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Channel 4, Sunday 9pm
L
ooking at the credentials of the writers of Babylon, one expects great things; Sam Bain and Jesse Armstrong have written Peep Show, Fresh Meat and Four Lions, and combine this with Danny Boyle’s reputation for hard hitting drama (Trainspotting and Slumdog Millionare) you can appreciate the hype around this new TV show. In my view this hype is not undeserving. It’s a close to the bone satire, and there’s even a spoof of Boris Johnson’s presence at a raid in 2011- just as the police van pulls away, you can hear him saying to an interviewer ‘what we are saying to the bad guys is…’. Babylon’s Mayor’s complete lack of understanding resonates throughout the entire show; he even insists on holding a conference over the drop in gun crime on the same day that two people have been shot dead. What’s great about this show is that you get to see policing on all levels and it suggests why the force often struggles with an ailing reputation. You have the one young and overzealous territorial support police officer (played by Adam Deacon) who could easily irritate someone into committing a crime; the armed response unit, who are so aware that they have the capacity to kill someone that they are reluctant to shoot. Finally, you see those towards the top of the police force engaging mainly in a game of ‘hot potato’ with their responsibilities, so should it transpire that they acted on wrong information they won’t lose their cushy and well paid desk jobs. Victoria Kaye
The Courier
featurestv.27
Monday 24 February 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/tv c2.tv@ncl.ac.uk | @courier_tv
It’s a kind of magic
Troy is the new kid on the magic block. Becca Cummings looks at the renaissance of TV magic and discusses what the new crop of magicians could have under their sleeves
I
magine Harry Houdini in this century; trainers, tracksuit and all. He might seem a bit out of place, wouldn’t he? Not according to the huge recent influx of magicians and illusionists hitting our television screens recently. The stereotype of the geeky thirteen year old boy sitting alone in his room, practicing magic tricks that he can later perform to his grandparents has gone. In turn, magic has a new, modernised and quite attractive face. From Dynamo to David Blaine, Derren Brown to Troy, there is something about magicians and their tricks that attracts millions of us to sit down and watch, transfixed as tricks that transcend our knowledge unfurl in front of us. Although it does seem a little like magicians worldwide saw the popularity of illusionists such as David Blaine and decided to jump on the magic band-wagon, there wouldn’t be as many shows as there are today if we didn’t want to watch them. Part of this ever-growing popularity of contemporary illusionists is that these magicians are constantly changing our perceptions of what a magician is or should be. We’re used to pointy hats, long robes and hands wandering over crystal balls as we get told our future, but this upheaval of modern, urban, street illusion performers have caught the attention of today’s audiences. It is partly due to this modernisation of magic that we find ourselves so intrigued by these illusionists. Perhaps when we see someone like Dynamo, who appears to be an ordinary kind of guy, performing these obviously extraordinary illusions, we get a sense that maybe these illusions are not as unreachable as we originally thought. It’s like a modern day Hogwarts unfolding in front of us, where the audience gets to experi-
ence a world we never expected to see, let alone interact with, and the mystery behind these illusions keeps us coming back for more and more. Although some viewers watch in hope that these magicians might mess up, the majority of us watch for the sheer excitement of someone walking over the River Thames or being suspended in a cube for forty days without food or drink. It is the acts that defy human nature that tempt us into watching more, as we try and find faults with these seemingly flawless illusions, whilst also attempting to decode the mechanics behind them. With the amount of magic-based series hitting our television screens the question of ‘when will it end?’ is pursed on many peoples lips, but the real question I think is ‘do we ever want it to end?’ As the popularity of these shows increases so does our desire to see more
and more of these incredible performances. I wonder then, if there will ever be an end to the multitude of illusion-based shows on television today or if they will continue to appear as if by magic. It seemed as if these performers appeared out of thin air and arrived on our screens all of a sudden, bringing hours of bewilderment and entertainment to millions of viewers. This unexpected arrival of these illusionists makes me question if these performers will ever perform their last magical illusion and simply disappear off our television s c re e ns a n d if we will ever really want
them to go.
Love at second sight
They were the créme de la créme of a sitcom romance. Rebecca Dooley wonders what would have happened if Ross and Rachel had stayed together for the full series
T
he infamous “We were on a break!” debate has divided Friends fanatics over the years; who was at fault, Ross or Rachel? Or was it simply one big misunderstanding? One that had us screaming at the TV, wishing they would hurry up and realise their love for one another. But what would have happened if Ross and Rachel were never on a break? Crucially would there have never been the hook up between OCD neurotic Monica and droll sarcastic Chandler, as there would have never been the wedding in London between Ross and Emily. Fans would have been robbed of the shows best couple (in my eyes) if Ross and Rachel’s relationship had gone smooth sailing. We would have also lost out on the hilarious comments thrown in the many attempted reconciliations of R&R, which always led back to the pinnacle we were on a break argument: “It was 5:30 in the morning, and you had rambled on for 18 pages… FRONT AND BACK!” The entire debacle of Rachel and Joey
would have been omitted as well, not that it would have been a great shame, as our eyes would have been spared from seeing the awkwardness of that pairing hashed out. There would also never have been the Vegas marriage between Ross and Rachel and Ross’ stressful dilemma of becoming divorced for the third time and being viewed as “the guy who gets divorced”. The logic to his arguments for remaining married cannot fail to amuse, “… instead of checking the box that says Ms you check the box that says Mrs! It’s right next to it!” To which Rachel responds, “Ohh, okay, I’m sorry. You’re right.
Y’know what? We absolutely can stay married, because I was under the impression that the boxes were far away from each other.” Another major event that can be called under question is the birth of baby Emma, as she is conceived accidentally on a one-night stand between R&R. So if the duo had remained together in Season three it is possible that they may have had children prior to Season seven or been more careful about becoming pregnant= no adorable Emma. Also, if Monica and Chandler had got together without the set up of Ross and Emily’s wedding would they still have been prompted to have a baby without the introduction of Emma to Friends? –No twins. It seems that throughout the seasons the turbulence of Ross and Rachel’s relationship is intrinsic to the story lines of the rest of the group of six. But, without the hindrance of “the break” Ross and Rachel’s relationship would likely have progressed and gotten serious much quicker, possibly allowing viewers a marriage. Rather than stringing us along for ten seasons and forcing us to begrudgingly be happy with them getting together at the last moment. A bittersweet moment; finally they were together. But we were robbed of seeing our dream TV couples wedding. As the ultimate thing we fans were denied was the “it” couple Ross and Rachel having their love declared to one another in an all out beautiful wedding- we all wanted to see Ross married for the last time. The only thing that can be certain is that with or without the break Ross and Rachel were meant to be together; after all, they were each other’s lobsters.
Lizzy’s Life Lessons Hollyoaks
H
ollyoaks, admittedly, is not my favourite show. I’ve repeatedly slagged it off and referred to it as ‘the dregs of British soap opera’ on several occasions. Now, I’m in a relationship with the show’s biggest fan. Not only have I realised that a Hollyoaks obsession comes under the ‘for worse’ part of the marriage vows, I’ve also realised that something inside me has started to change. Mysteriously, my television has begun to tune itself into E4 at 7pm, almost every weeknight, desperate to find out what the residents of Chester’s most dangerous village are up to. Not me, though, nope. That’s just my telly. Amidst the bad dialogue, regurgitated storylines and diabolical acting; there are enough life lessons in there to fill up this column.
I’m starting to sound like a broken record, but for the love of all things good and pure STOP MURDERING PEOPLE. One thing the residents of Hollyoaks struggle with is the guilt that comes along with killing their neighbours. If you can learn one thing from their mistakes, and you really can’t be arsed to stop murdering anyone that bothers you, just don’t tell anyone about it. They will go to the police station and tell on you. And please, don’t turn yourself in. You may as well have saved us all the trouble and not murdered the poor bugger in the first place. On a related note, be warned. At least one of your friends or family members is a serial killer. And since you probably live in a house shared with your husband, brother, mother, grandma, two illegitimate children and a random stray child you found on the street – it’s best to make sure you put a lock on your bedroom door.
Don’t be fooled; if you’re starting a business in a seemingly quiet, friendly village; you should never skimp out on the fire and bomb proofing. Don’t decide to lose your virginity, because you will get pregnant (and die). Same goes for dabbling with illegal drugs - immediate death. Don’t make out with the chick that gave birth to your secret child and is threatening to tell your wife all about it in the middle of a public square, because that’s just common sense. Don’t hire a reasonably attractive nanny, because she will sleep with your husband. Finally, don’t marry anyone who shares their name with a famous motor vehicle brand. Particularly if she’s Mercedes McQueen, who’s vagina was referred to by welovehollyaoks.com (questionable) as ‘the most fearsome force in the universe’. That never ends well. This applies to all marriages in the village with the world’s most ridiculous crime rate – you’ve got three weeks at most before everything starts to go tragically downhill. Best lesson of all? Don’t move to Hollyoaks. Don’t even look directly at it. If you already live there, leave. Now.
28.lifestyle&sciencefeature
Vegan recipes Vegan’s are doing it for themselves Stuff your sandwich
-BLT: Vegan ‘bacon’ with lettuce and tomato on thick granary bread. -Avocado appeal: Avocado, mustard, mango chutney some cashew nuts/ almonds to top it off. -Toad in the hole: Vegan sausages with HP sauce and lettuce. -Eggless and proud: Tofu, sweet corn, spring onion, cress and some egg-free mayo. -Peanut squishy sarnie: Peanut butter with bean spouts, grated carrots and lettuce. -Fungi fun: Wild mushroom and tarragon pate with red onion. -Med veg Heaven: Roasted Mediterranean vegetables and humus on sun dried tomato bread or pitta. -Granny S: Soft vegan cheese and slithers of granny smith apple. -Sweet tooth: Peanut butter, grated carrots, raisins. .-Chickless: Sliced tomato, mashed up chick peas with lemon juice and tahini. -Blood me Mary: Black pepper and sun-dried tomatoes on olive ciabatta. -Princess Waldorf: Vegan mayo, apple, celery, walnuts and sultanas/ raisins. Or alternatively, gather up the remainder of last nights dinner and pop into a pitta/ wrap for a quick and tasty sarnie.
A non-meaty treat: Falafel style burger Ingredients: -400g canned chickpeas -A chopped up garlic clove -1 tsp ground cumin -1tsp ground coriander -1/2 a cheeky mini tsp of chillie powder -2 tbsp flour -2 tbsp sunflower oil -A good rake of toasted pitta -Tomato salsa -Salad -Chopped up onion Method: 1. Get your blender out, or if not, be prepared to get down and dirty with your hands. 2. Dry the chickpeas and pour them into a bowl/ blender along with the onion, garlic, spices, flour and a sprinkle of salt. 3. Blend/ mould with your hands until the mixture is fairly smooth, then shape into patties with your hands (size and number depending on appetite). 4. Heat the oil in a non-stick pan (a rarity I know), add the burgers, and fry for 3 minutes on each side until they are golden. 5. Serve your patties with pittas, salsa and green salad. Delicious and nutritious.
Sweet tooth: Vegan pancakes
Ingredients: -150g plain flour -2 tbsp caster sugar -2 tbsp baking powder -1/2 tsp salt and 1 tbsp of oil -300ml water
Method: 1. Sift the flour, sugar, salt and baking powder into a large bowl. 2. Whisk the water and oil together. 3. Mix together the two and stir until blended. The mixture will be lumpy; but not to worry, this it to be expected. 4. Heat a lightly oiled frying. 5. Drop the batter in large spoonfuls onto the pan and cook until bubbles form and the edges are dry. 6. Flip, and cook until golden on the other side. 6. Repeat with remaining batter and enjoy cool. By Evie O’Sullivan
Monday 24 February 2014
The Courier
Veganuary isn’t just for January after all
Jamie Shepherd speaks out about the ‘v-bomb’ and tells all about his experience of the lifestyle But the question is: to vegan or not to vegan?
F
or those of you who haven’t heard of it, Veganuary is a worldwide campaign and challenge to encourage people to try out a vegan lifestyle. Proponents of the campaign claim that the vegan lifestyle is one of the best things you can do to improve your health, and don’t even get me started on the environmental benefits. When I started the Veganuary campaign this January just past, it wasn’t the smell of bacon being cooked on a hungover Saturday morning that was the most gruelling part. Nor was it watching repeats of cookery programs and knowing that practically everything cooked on the show was essentially forbidden to you. Surprisingly, the most annoying and infu-
“You’re a vegan… so what do you eat?” “Can you not eat fish?” “It’s not a meal if there’s no meat.” “Can you eat potatoes, I thought they were made with milk?” riating part of my month as a vegan was the blank faces and open-jaws I’d receive whenever I told people I was a vegan. It wasn’t the actual challenge of eating that was the problem with my month as a vegan. It was the sheer ignorance of most people I came into contact with as to what veganism actually is, and the looks as if I’d just sprouted an extra head from my shoulder when I’d drop the ‘v-bomb’. Eating was only a problem when I was out of the house and I’d forgotten to make a tasty falafel and hummus wrap for my packed lunch. At desperate times, I would have to scour the ingredients of things which one would pretty much assume were vegan, only to find out, that they indeed were not. Bye bye salt and vinegar crisps. While I managed to do OK with this challenge, a few friends of mine hated every second of it. They were eating baked beans in every single way imaginable: baked beans on dry toast, or with a jacket potato, or cold in a tortilla wrap. You name it, they’d bean there. And it was simply because they didn’t know enough about what their food was made up of and what nutrients you get in each portion. Speaking on behalf on my own experiences, I pretty much existed on lentil curries and vegetable broths without going out of my way to cook a “specifically vegan meal”, and after a while I certainly felt the health benefits. After two weeks on the diet my jeans started to feel slacker, and I was a lot more active in the morning. All the money I would have spent on meat and cheese went further as I was spending more money on bigger portions of vegetables and fruit.
“They were eating baked beans in every single way imaginable: baked beans on dry toast, or with a jacket potato, or cold in a tortilla wrap. You name it, they’d bean there.”
If anything, I would recommend this diet to most people as the only disadvantage I can think of is the ill-informed comments you might receive from people. Well, that and the fact that there were some days when I just couldn’t stop farting. One day, when I was working in the Silent Study area of the Robinson Library, I had to go into the toilet for at least five minutes to try and pump it all out for fear that I’d disturb everybody around me working. Maybe it should really be called Vegasuary after all...
“Can I get that to come with beans please dear Sir?”
Illustration by Daisy Billowes
Health benefits of veganism V
egans are a subset of vegetarians who do not eat any animal products, so eggs, milk, cheese, cream, and even honey is out. It has become increasingly popular to go ‘part-time vegan’, to reduce cholesterol and alter environment impact created by the individual. Veganism cuts out a lot of the saturated fats found in meat and other animal products, and replaces them with a varied diet of grains, vegetables, fruit, nuts, and soy based cream and milk. Vegans and vegetarians often get frustrated with the bleat of ‘but where do you get your protein?’, which is available in a huge range of plant-based sources such as spinach, kale, peanut butter, beans, tofu, grains, lentils, rolled oats… the list goes on. While they are not slabs of half-cooked cow muscle that the average steak consumer imagines to be the best source of protein, they are a lot healthier, low in fat, and taste amazing with the right preparation. The vegan diet is achievable for anyone who wants to be healthier and contribute to a greener environment, with nearly 15% of greenhouse gases being produced by meat industry. Meat production is also an intensive process with lower energy yield – it takes seven kilograms of grain to produce one kilogram of cattle meat fed on a grain diet. Even if this ratio is overestimated, it indicates
how much energy is lost from the initially edible grain, through the metabolism of another living being, before we consume that animal. Taste is a factor to justify this disparity, but eating vegan part time allows people to get the best of both worlds, and perhaps is a reason for its popularity. Eating vegan or vegetarian one day a week (as encouraged by the ‘Meatless Monday’ scheme) can improve health and environment. Increasing animal welfare is generally the main driver for full time vegans, but any motivation is good if the end result is the same: less suffering of animals, lower fat and cholesterol, and fewer greenhouse gases produced by human industry.
Penny Polson
Illustrations by Rachel Templeman
The Courier
filmfeature.29
Monday 24 February 2014
The Oscars: 2014 All-Time Best Oscar Moments:
4
3
Film Editors: Muneeb Hafiz & Jacob Crompton-Schreiber The Academy Awards are coming! We look back at some of the greatest moments in Oscar history, and ahead to the nominees’ chances on the big night.
2
1
“Get Off the Stage” (2004)
King of Quan (1997)
Silence No More (1972)
Who knew the ‘Get Off the Stage’ music at the Oscars had lyrics? Jack Black and Will Ferrell certainly did in this hilarious pitch-perfect duet. Watch without laughing, we dare you!
Before the calamities of Boat Trip and Snow Dogs, Cuba Gooding Jr. was the marvellous Rod Tidwell of Jerry Maguire which won him the Best Supporting Actor award and resulted in this inspiring moment.
After 20 years of self-imposed exile, Charlie Chaplin returned to the United States to receive his Honorary Oscar and was welcomed on stage with a tear-jerking 12 minute standing ovation, the longest ever in Oscars history. Totes emosh.
Gravity
The gist: A free black man is kidnapped, enslaved and taken to the South of antebellum USA for *spoilers* 12 years. Never join a circus. Why won’t it win? Period epics are so yesteryear...
76%
American Hustle
65%
The gist: After a failed marriage and a broken heart Joaquin Phoenix falls in love with an operating system. It gets siri-ous. Why won’t it win? It’s too weird for its own good...
x6
A.K.A: Saving Mr. Hanks
The gist: Cap’n Phillips’ cargo ship is hijacked by Somali pirates, all hell breaks loose. Bad day at the office. Why won’t it win? When all’s said and done, it’s an action film...
A.K.A: Booze Cruise: Nebraska
Why won’t it win? It’s not bringing in the moolah...
The gist: A racist, homophobic redneck gets AIDs and sells drugs. #YOLO.
x6
Why won’t it win? The performances overshadow the film...
12%
7%
The Wolf of Wall Street
The gist: The rise and inevitable fall of the easily hated Jordan Belfort, Wall Street stockbroker, and his sexcapades. Make it rain. Why won’t it win? It’s around 90% porn...
A.K.A: Searching for a Son of a Nun
10%
x5
A.K.A: Wall Street: Douches Never Sleep
Philomena
x6
The gist: An aging, drunken father goes on a road-trip with his son to collect a prize. It’s a grey, grey world.
30%
Dallas Buyers Club A.K.A: Dallas Diet Club
Captain Phillips
x5
A.K.A: Siri: The Movie
The gist: An all-star cast, corrupt politicians, the FBI, an Arab Sheikh and Jennifer Lawrence. Nobody knows who’s hustling who though. Why won’t it win? Films where the title rhymes with the director’s surname tend not to have much luck...
95%
Her
x10
A.K.A: Everyday I’m Hustlin’
Nebraska
x9
A.K.A: Shame 2: Shame Harder
The gist: Debris from an explosion leaves astronauts Bullock and Clooney marooned in space with oxygen running low. Absolute ‘mare. Why won’t it win? Well, a sci-fi film has never won...
Brando’s boycott of the 45th Academy Awards for the treatment of the American-Indians is one of the most poignant moments in Oscar history. He declined a deserved Best Actor Oscar for The Godfather and sent activist Sacheen Littlefeather instead to explain.
Best Picture Nominees: the lowdown & the odds 12 Years a Slave
x10
A.K.A: Nightmare at NASA.
No-Show Brando (1973)
21% x4
The gist: A depressed journalist and an old woman search America for her long-lost son. Nuns weren’t fun. Why won’t it win? It feels too personal (read British...)
3%
30.music
Monday 24 February 2014
The Courier
Music Editors: Kate Bennett and Ian Mason
RAGE
against the
ROUTINE
Ellie McClaren refuses to worship at the feet of her ladyship, Lorde
F
our Grammy nominations, two Grammy awards and an offer of support on Katy Perry’s world tour - all at the tender age of 17. Pretty impressive, huh? Yet what I find most impressive about Lorde’s rise to fame is how she has managed to brainwash so many people into believing her music is exciting and new. As with any new artist who is whisked away to America to sign a record deal before they can legally have sex or drink alcohol, Lorde has gained a large following quickly. This doesn’t mean that her music is extraordinary, though. The actual music no longer comes into play when it comes to airtime and downloads: if you’re a new artist with something slightly quirky about you (let’s say you’re only young but write songs about ‘grown up stuff ’ in a moody tone, for example) then people are going to leap onto your bandwagon, in the hope of being able to claim they liked you before you won that award. It’s all about this crappy ‘cool music’ culture we have going on nowadays, and music is suffering because of it.
“The title of her album, Pure Heroine, left me questioning whether that’s what it takes to enjoy it”
Lorde’s biggest hit, ‘Royals’, was awarded a Grammy for Song of the Year. Must have been a pretty dire year. Yes, it is remarkable that Lorde wrote it as a young teen, but the lyrics are completely insignificant. They’re not even that good, even in the context of being the voice of a 13 year old. Lorde’s vocals, too, really aren’t as amazing as everyone raves. She hardly pushes herself, and seems as bored by her own words as I am after hearing it on every radio station and music channel for the past two months. It’s just so monotonous. Is that really what everyone likes nowadays? Unresponsive, soul-sucking drab?! The title of her debut album, Pure Heroine, has left me questioning whether that is what it takes to enjoy Lorde’s music. The only song I liked was ‘Tennis Court’, and even that was ruined when I noticed an extract of the track sounded very much like The xx’s contribution to last year’s The Great Gatsby film. The title of the album, as well as her own stage name, scream egotism and teenage arrogance, which would be okay if she backed that up with a bit more attitude and flavour in her musical offerings. But the album cover, the vocals, the music, are all as bland as beige. I’m sorry Lorde, but you can only name yourself after the aristocracy if you live up to it - think Queen, or Prince. You’ll never be Queen B (Beyonce beat you to that one), or even ‘Princess B twice removed’ for that matter. This is one subject who isn’t bowing down.
Present Tense Wild Beasts H
aving taken a two-year hiatus following the release of their previous LP, Smother, Wild Beasts’ latest cut of work is bittersweet, and at moments, bloody breathtaking. It easily picks up where its forerunner left off and covers such a broad range of influences and styles that it’s both likeable instantly but at the same time an acquired taste. Not that you’d expect anything other from Wild Beasts – a band surrounded by conjecture and divided opinion for as long as they’ve been in the public eye. Many have hounded vocalist Hayden Thorpe for his trademark falsetto crooning, while others have discriminated against the band along more political lines (the old snobbery against ‘middle class art rock’…). Wild Beasts are often rubbished as a bunch of cosmopolitan charlatans, though the band stress their humble grassroots origins as a group of schoolmates from Cumbria who wish to do nothing more than style their own sound, plough their own furrow. Some are bewildered by their complex musical arrangements, some are beguiled. Hopefully Present Tense can bridge the binaries of opinion.
“So enthralling and sleepy it’s like an intergalactic space ride”
Present Tense employs an alliterative spiel that reflects Thorpe’s slick vocal style, reflected by track titles (‘Pregnant Pause’, ‘Past Perfect’ etc.). Admittedly, Thorpe’s vocal style wears thin after a while, and the work of other band members do much to step in and save him. Nonetheless, opening track ‘Wanderlust’ is a formidable single with ominous
Morning Phase
undertones, the lyrics either indicating hurt or apathy or plain sarcasm (you can never be too sure). What can you decipher from “Don’t mistake me for someone who gives a fuck/In your mother tongue, what’s the verb ‘to suck’?” Steady drums, plunging electronics and voices that seem to mimic druids, give the track a certain gravitas. Throughout the album, a blend of influences is so effortlessly thrown together that listening to each song is like being whisked off into a state of stupor. ‘New Life’ manages to be so enthralling yet sleepy that it’s like an intergalactic space ride and could outdo Brian Eno, Cocteau Twins and This Mortal Coil for dreaminess. Elsewhere in the album, obvious new wave influences are countered with contemporary styles. ‘Sweet Spot’ opens with Police and Pretenders-worthy guitar riffs, but includes bleeps and beats sampled by other modern mavericks such as Little Dragon. On balance, Wild Beasts aren’t a band that you can instantly ‘get’. Their latest album is solid and mellifluous, however, and adds weight to the legacy left by their previous LP. Speaking from my own experience, it took me a while to warm to them (I was too quick to lump them in the same bag as AltJ, and I’m entirely fed up of all their 2012 Mercury Prize-winning ‘folkstep’ jiggery-pokery…). There is indeed a certain charm in Present Tense, and a sense of conviction from a band who have spent more than half a decade crafting and constructing their musical style.
Recommended download: ‘Wanderlust’
Will Ibbott
If you like this, try ...
Dutch Uncles Out of Touch, In the Wild
D
utch Uncles’ third album, released last year, is a little more upbeat than Wild Beasts’ brood-fest, but if you like cerebral, electro-tinged indie-pop with meltedchocolate falsetto vocals, Out of Touch, In the Wild is more than worth a listen.
Manhattan
St Vincent
Skaters
Beck
St Vincent
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espite donning a very Tumblr-slashhipster look, it is Skaters’ raw, pissedoff and effortlessly cool attitudes that are typified on this debut album. From the first track onwards, Manhattan oozes a vibe that is not dissimilar to the earlier works of The Strokes – scowling yet wonderful vocals paired with a distorted punk rock guitar that’s being shredded into oblivion. Tracks such as ‘Deadbolt’ and ‘Nice Hat’ throw you into an experience of a Skaters live performance, emitting so much energy that the songs simply could not be projected from anything other than a colossal pair of speakers – an iPod just simply would not suffice. However, it is the more melodic tracks that are the biggest highlights for me. Skaters’ display here that they are capable of much more than churning out two-minute songs filled with rocket fuel and sweat that will make you want to bounce around your bedroom. ‘I Wanna Dance (But I Don’t Know How)’, especially, is a modern anthem which would not find itself out of place being performed in the presence of thousands. Much like the album as a whole, the track’s energy is complimented with a subtle elegance that wipes away all questions regarding the depth of the band’s palette. This album ultimately highlights that the American punk scene is still very much alive, with Skaters at the heart of it. There is certainly more to this band than their Topman exterior – expect big things.
D
t. Vincent, the recording name of American art-rocker Annie Clark, is a name that has only been picking up positive feedback since her first release in 2007, and her fourth effort, the eponymous St. Vincent, is no exception. Upon listening to the opening track ‘Rattlesnake’ for the first time, I was almost tempted to say that the music Clark was producing was almost a little too surreal for my liking, however, as I listened further, and gained a better understanding of the St. Vincent style and sound, I realised that it simply takes some getting used to. The heavy presence of analogue synths and heavily fuzzy lead and bass guitars allow for a pretty unique sound on this album as a whole, with the end product sounding like a crazy mashup of Lana Del Rey, DJ Shadow and Nine Inch Nails, whilst at the same time bringing a new sound to the table which I can’t say I’ve ever experienced before. Tracks such as ‘I Prefer Your Love’ and ‘Severed Crossed Fingers’ provide a chilled, progressive analogue soundscape, with elements of the tracks which wouldn’t be out of place in an ‘80s ballad, whilst ‘Every Tear Disappears’ and ‘Huey Newton’ bring a dirty industrial sound to the table through big guitar riffs and heavily resampled drums which could quite easily be from an entirely different artist, had it not been for Clark’s angelic vocals which bring a touch of calm and consistency to this chaotic arrangement of sound. I certainly wouldn’t have thought of myself as a particularly strong art-rock or St. Vincent fan, but with this album Clark has well and truly proven herself, and has gained herself another big fan.
Recommended download: ‘Blue Moon’
Recommended download: ‘I Wanna Dance (But I Don’t Know How)’
Recommended download: ‘Every Tear Disappears’
one are the almost flippant and slackeresque days of ‘Loser’, ‘Sexx Laws’ and ‘E-Pro’, as renaissance and alt-folkie man, Beck, releases his 12th studio album Morning Phase. This album carries an emotional complexity that will grab you by the cojones, whisk you into your darkened bedrooms and take you on a journey of introspection. This is the sound of a man on the verge of an ecstatic breakdown which is especially apparent on fifth track ‘Blue Moon’, in which Beck croons “I’m so tired of alone” with the nostalgic wistfulness of a troubadour who’s seen it all, done it all, and remembers it all from a distance. While Beck is known for his incorporation of the strange and the wonderful in his earlier music, I say that Morning Phase is an incredibly consistent album. It opens with ‘Cycle’, a 40 second instrumental intro that awakens you from blissful slumber and propels you with vitality into the most wistful day of your life. At times it reminded me of the spacey shoegaze vibes of Slowdive’s seminal 1993 LP Souvlaki in that at times the lyrics became irrelevant in comparison to the aural soundscape Beck masterfully crafts. In contrast to this aural haze, at times I felt like Beck had mastered the lyrical craftsmanship of the calibre of Elton John in his Yellow Brick Road height. While Beck himself has described the album as a “companion piece” to his 2002 release Sea Changes, it takes on its own organic identity. Morning Phase ensnares you with an intoxicating fervour that makes you feel like you’ve just been born.
Jamie Shepherd
Charlie Cottrell
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Jake Nevens
The Courier
music.31
Monday 24 February 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/music c2.music@ncl.ac.uk | @courier_music
CULT
SceNE: Venues
Each week we take a closer look at a different spot in Newcastle’s music scene. This week: Hoochie Coochie
CLASSICS
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ossibly the best-named drinking establishment in Toon, Hoochie Coochie, a suave but welcoming funk, soul and jazz bar on Pilgrim Street, is not at first glance the most obvious student choice. Drinks can be pricey and the average age of clientele tends to average out the other side of thirty on any given night. Unless you’re a Northern Soul aficionado, you’re unlikely to end up frequenting this joint on a weekly basis.
Talking Heads
Yet the cool and cosy lounge bar undoubtedly offers a few things that you can’t get at many other venues in the city. The live acts they present are the essential example of this. In the past the bar has played host to DJ sets from the likes of Trevor Nelson and Craig Charles of the BBC Funk and Soul Show (not to mention Robot Wars), as well as live performances from jazz saxophonist Courtney Pine and the legendary soulstress Candi Staton. As you’d expect, ticket prices for the bigger names are not for the faint-hearted; anyone wanting to hear Jocelyn Brown’s show this coming April for example will have to fork out upwards of £40. But Hoochie Coochie can cater to the student population too. The bar regularly showcases talent from the North East and across the UK, incorporating everything from dub to disco. This can be
experienced most Fridays, when cocktails are 2 for 1 and entry is free before 9pm, and only £5 after. The staff are always friendly, and the entire room usually ends up on the dancefloor, regardless of age; I once saw an elderly lady on there skanking so hard that she fell out of her shoes. The resident DJ has an enviable record collection, though you will have to wait to hear your favourite (he doesn’t do requests). Directions: From Monument Metro stop take the first left when facing downhill. Turn right on to Pilgrim Street after passing Tyneside Cinema and the bar is two minutes down on your right. Luke Davis
Beyond the pale or sometimes acceptable? Tom Nicholson and Charlie Dearnley debate miming at live performances
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es, there are some occasions on which it’s best to hear a group or artist playing live, but miming isn’t a bad thing in and of itself. Most obviously, miming opens up all sorts of opportunities for mucking about on telly. Without it, we’d never have seen John Peel pretending to play the mandolin with Rod Stewart, or Kurt Cobain chewing up ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’. Top of the Pops would have been a bantsfree zone. Bantarctica, if you will.
“Miming opens up all sorts of opportunities for mucking about on telly”
Think, for example, of when New Order went on Top of the Pops to play ‘Blue Monday’ live: Bernard minced the words (“I thought I heard you squeak”), there was no bass to the drums, and the anaemic synths made ‘Blue Monday’ sound like the work of amateurs. That’s before we get into the ridiculous state of affairs in the mid-’70s. The Musicians’ Union got in such a twist about miming that they went on strike and demanded everything was played live in the studio by the BBC orchestra, making everything sound roughly like the theme from Grandstand.. Forget the 3-day week, this was the real reason Thatcher went after the unions in the ‘80s. The complaint that a group ‘can’t cut it live’ is usually a convenient
way for rockists to diss pop groups and electronic artists, and more often than not is attached to ideas about paying one’s dues in shitty toilet venues as if that makes tedious pub rock bands more respectable somehow. It’s a load of balls. Tom Nicholson
A
ir guitar never really took off in the same way as actually playing the guitar. Neither did air drumming become a well-respected form of musical performance. And mimicking Beyonce with hairbrush in hand doesn’t quite warrant a slot at Obama’s inauguration. If the Marine Corps backing band claim she was miming, I’m by no means going to protest. Miming live performances undermines the authenticity of a concert. There is no connection with a musician if they are merely acting, quietly blabbering behind a microphone like a goldfish. There are, of course, bands that have made
a mockery of miming in protest. Iron Maiden swapped instruments. Matt Bellamy pouted seductively whilst ‘drumming’ on Spanish television. Kurt Cobain imitated Barry White’s baritone on Top of the Pops. The silver lining of miming only shines through when bands accept their charade and gratuitously indulge in their own farce. When caught pretending to fill the shoes of our choice musicians, we normally drop the metaphorical mic and stand brazenly embarrassed at our self-indulgent fantasies. Why, then, are the blessed and talented few not equally ashamed to be caught trousers down, unplugged in front of millions of adoring fans?
“There is no connection with a musician if they are merely acting”
There are a few answers, none of which justify the scornful slander of miming. Are they too shit to perform live? Lazy? Too intoxicated to produce anything other than slurred requests for more abuseable substances? Is it fine because everyone else does it? No. If one jumped off a cliff they wouldn’t all follow; then there’d be no one to mime along to James Blunt at the funeral. Charlie Dearnley
Sam Summers espouses the virtues of a forgotten hip-hop touchstone
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unny, funky and fun, there’s really nothing quite like Sex Packets. The debut album from West Coast rap assembly Digital Underground, it’s largely overlooked by modern hip-hop heads as a comic curio, caught up in the shift from ‘80s new school to ‘90s gangsta. In reality, it’s a seminal record that’s set apart from, indicative of, and partly responsible for that important crossroads in rap history. Crucially, DU mastermind Shock G was one of the first producers to use the legendary drum beats and bass grooves of George Clinton’s P-Funk collective as key elements of his sound. This prefigured Dr Dre’s work with Snoop Dogg by three years, meaning the Underground essentially invented G-funk, one of the defining sounds of ‘90s hip hop. They also launched the career of one Tupac Shakur, a DU hype man who shot to fame with his Shock G-produced single ‘I Get Around’. Digital Underground were far from gangsta rappers, though. With guns, drugs and big pimpin’ yet to become the genre touchstones they became in the ‘90s, Sex Packets finds Shock G and his Flavor Flav-alike sidekick Money B tackling distinctively ‘80s issues, such as how good at rapping they are, how bad at rapping everybody else is, and how much they like to party. Not exactly ‘Fuck Tha Police’ then, but when this much fun it’s hard to care. Rapping duties are mainly handled by Money B and Shock G, often as one of his many alter egos - from virtuoso Piano Man to the Edward G. Robinson-riffing MC Blowfish.
“Digital Underground essentially invented G-funk”
Of these myriad colourful characters, none captured the public imagination like the madcap Humpty Hump, whose lyrical buffoonery, comic sexual deviancy and Groucho Marx glasses proved so popular that he was given his own song, ‘The Humpty Dance’ - a massive hit, which still appears on many artists’ and critics’ all-time greatest lists, its beat having been sampled over 60 times. Despite its cartoonish subject matter, that legacy is well and truly deserved. Sex Packets wasn’t entirely bravado and buffoonery, though. References to the mysterious titular ‘packets’ are strewn throughout, culminating in the five-track ‘Packet Suite’. The record is revealed to be set in the not-too-distant future where the hot new drugs are ‘sex packets’, pills which allow the user to hallucinate hyperrealistic sexual experiences. It’s an ingenious idea, and an ambitious one for a rap band at the time. Digital Underground weren’t afraid to break new ground lyrically or musically, and while I doubt they’re due a popular resurgence any time soon, you’d be doing yourself a massive favour checking them out.
For gig reviews, interviews and more web features, visit us online at thecourieronline.co.uk/music
32.science
Monday 24 February 2014
The Courier
Science Editor: Elizabeth Hampson Deputy Science Editors: Emad Ahmed and Peter Style
How close are we to... curing baldness? Going bald is a real fear for a large proportion of the population and wearing a wig isn’t for everybody, so is there anything that can be done to cure this common problem? David Leighton investigates
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aldness. Big, shiny, glaringly obvious baldness. I’m going to go bald (against my wishes) and most men (and some women) are going to recede. Now, I know that if we were truly evolved we wouldn’t have hair on our heads anyway but evolution is awkward. Imagine if we didn’t have the mullet, or the afro or, my personal favourite, the Paul Hollywood look. This is clearly enough evidence for me to damn the theory of evolution to hell and start looking for alternative methods to protect our tresses. Well, there are the few obvious choices: hair extensions, hair transplants and stem-cell therapy, to name a few. But I’m most likely a future baldness sufferer. I don’t want any form of wig and I don’t want to grow an extra ear… so what do we do? Minoxidil (more commonly known as Rogaine) was, in the past, used as a drug to treat hypertension. However, it was soon discovered one of the side effects was hair growth. In fact, a twelve month study showed that 51% of males treated with Minoxidil had improved hair growth in the vertex section of
Damien Everett
the scalp. Minoxidil works by causing hairs in later phases of the cell cycle to shed early leading to thicker, fuller, newer hairs growing back in their place. One of the newer fads for keeping your goldilocks lush is caffeinated shampoo. Studies have shown that caffeine stimulates hair growth noticeably in vitro, however further testing is needed to prove whether it is truly effective in a real world situation, as well as the dosage needed within the shampoo. The juice from the humble nettle plant has similar effects, which whilst slightly more apparent in vitro, are less evident than caffeine. Whether the nettle extract can actually help reduce baldness in a real world situation has yet to be proven. There is also limited research that suggests laser treatment on follicles of the scalp can help rejuvenate hair growth. Although I for one tend to shy away from laser beams after watching Final Destination 5. (Spoiler: eye surgery death.) So, the best cure? I suppose not going bald in the first place would be wonderful, although that is often hard to avoid. One thing I can say for certain is that you CAN wear a hat. Hats are fine. A hat never caused anybody any harm. However, do be careful how you style your hair, putting continual stress on their hair can cause premature hair loss. And with that I’m going to sign off. I’m wasting what precious time my hair and I have left anyway.
“Hair extensions, hair transplants or stem cell therapy?”
Why do we go bald? Male pattern baldness tends to be genetic, inherited from either parent, the gene causes high amounts of dihydrotestosterone, which disrupts normal patterns of hair follicle growth. Another possible cause of baldness is excess sebum a secretion responsible for making hair feel oilier. This may clog pores and cause damage to hair follicles. High or low levels of thyroid hormones can also cause hair loss in both males and females. Early hair loss can be genetic, is your father bald?
Urbantog
STEM is a man’s world, but it wouldn’t be nothing without a woman or a girl
Heather Flint checks the progress of whether more women are going into fields in science, what further support could be provided, and the role society is playing in making our science departments more gender neutral
I
f someone told you to name a famous scientist, the first people you think of will almost certainly be men. Einstein, Feynman, Hawking, Higgs, to scratch the surface. Many great minds and discoveries are uncovered through the study and application of science, technology, engineering and maths (STEM). But why are there so few women in these fields? Historically, women have been regarded as incapable of processing many of the details and complexities in science, so were often looked down upon and scorned when they expressed interest in science subjects. Unfortunately, this has extended until quite recently, as the first time a degree from Cambridge University was awarded to a female student was only in 1948. There are still women that wriggled their way through these obstacles. Physicists Lise Meitner, who coined ‘nuclear fission’, the mother-daughter Nobel prize winners Marie Curie and Irene CurieJoliot, biochemist Rosalind Franklin with her work in DNA, and Mary Anning, who discovered ichthyosaurs from fossils near her home. Yet, there was still the stereotype that is even found today, that women should be the ones at home, looking after the house. Even if she decided to follow a STEM career, a woman would find it very difficult to balance a scientific career and
bringing up a family. With fathers are currently not given the same leave to care for children, the duty still falls to the woman to ‘care for the household’, pulling her from her work. In such a competitive environment, it is very difficult to catch up with developments in research after being away from work. To many, having a child will essentially terminate their career, which can put many people off taking a pathway into STEM. Better childcare systems or the equalisation of leave for parents may remove this concern, and allow families the flexibility they need. Even the toys that children played with affect their skills and future choices. Boys with LEGO and Meccano, toys with building and designing elements, are encouraged to think in these ways. Girls on the other hand, are given baby dolls to
“The stereotype is still found today, that women should be looking after the house”
teach them how to care for children. It’s a bad start, but manufacturers are sensing a need for girlfriendly science toys. While pink LEGO may not be to everyone’s taste, a company called Goldieblox in America have launched a range of interactive games to ‘disrupt the pink aisle’ and raise a generation of ‘engineering princesses’. There is also support at all levels of education in the forms of workshops, awards and sponsorships to further encourage girls to take up a scientific career. Science and maths lessons are often taught in dull and uninteresting ways, but with the right teacher and the opportunity to experience and experiment, children can find for themselves that science is accessible and exciting. Slowly, with changes in ways institutions view women, more opportunities are opening up. WISE, Women in Science and Engineering, aims to increase the number of women in STEM jobs up to 30% before 2020, and the RSC elected its first female president, Professor Lesley Yellowlees, in 2012. With the influence of a more open-minded generation and with more and more girls going into STEM, perhaps we can let more women realise their potential than we ever could before. Nobel Foundation
The Courier
science.33
Monday 24 February 2014
thecourieronline.co.uk/science c2.science@ncl.ac.uk | @courier_science
Albert Ein-swine: animal IQ Holly Suttle delves into the world of animal intelligence to rank the cognitive abilities of some of our favourite critters, from brilliant to bird brained, who will come out on top?
IQ-o-meter
OrenJackTurner
TerryGeorge
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Chimpanzee
Bottle Nose Dolphin Dolphins are self-aware and have been known to recognise themselves in a mirror. The ratio between the sizes of their brains compared to their body mass, gives them the largest brains in the animal kingdom.
Afrika Expeditionary
As students we feel the need to go home just to visit our dog. Do you know why? Because their emotional intelligence is so high, they also have attachments to us, hence why dogs are ‘Man’s Best Friend’.. DodosD Force
Elephant The Elephants brain is denser than a humans and the lobes involved in memory are more developed, meaning they can remember up to 200 individuals. This is essential for their social environment.
Sheep Not strictly scientific, but based on reports it seems that sheep are pretty low in all facets on intelligence. Sheep will follow their flock no matter what sort of danger they’re being led into, poor sheep.
“The man was infected with an abundance of yeast, the same kind used in brewing”
hydrate foods, meaning that the majority of common foods are a no-no. Bread, rice, takeaway food, pasta, potatoes and fizzy drinks, even certain fruit, could get him tipsy. This is not the only case of Auto-Brewery Syndrome recorded. In Texas, a 61 year old man was admitted to hospital after feeling dizzy after a meal. The man claimed he hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol, but with a blood alcohol content of 0.37%, over 5x over the legal limit, doctors were naturally sceptical. The man was isolated for 24 hours and fed carbohydrate-rich foods and his blood alcohol levels rose 0.12%. (In context, the limit in the UK for drink driving is 0.08% alcohol). Doctors eventually realised that the man was infected with an abundance of the yeast Saccharomyces cerevisiae, which is the same kind of yeast used in the brewing of beer and baking bread. It had got there after a dose of strong antibiotics killed the natural ‘nice’ bacteria in his stomach (think yakult), which normally regulate the amounts of the yeast. Saccharomyces cerevisiae is an important component in fermentation, a very useful process as it is a source of beer, vodka, some whiskeys and wine, as well as other food, such as bread, pepperoni, some cheeses, and soy sauce. Yeast contains enzymes that break the carbohydrates into
Max elltale Games’ highly anticipated second episode of The Wolf Among Us series was finally released early February, after an agonising four month wait. The question is though, was it worth it? Has the studio bitten off more than it can chew? Now, Telltale has a history of delivering dynamic episodic gameplay. From the CSI series to several poker games, they had a steady if not illustrious beginning. The company that exists today started off when they got hold of the Jurassic Park franchise. It began the format of several episodes, released one after the other, and introduced gameplay consisting of point-and-click and quick-time events. However, they were too cinematic, leaving reviews complaining that they were watching a movie rather than playing a game. Their episodic offering of Back to the Future was far better, with increased interaction that received favourable commendations across the board. It paved the way to what is Telltale Games’ most successful franchise to date, The Walking Dead. The Walking Dead is considered their magnum opus. Over 21 million episodes have been sold so far, and GamesRadar and Wired named it their ‘Game of the Year’. It was heralded as a revitalisation of the adventure game genre, focussing on character development and personal choice far more than puzzle solving. As such, players had to make difficult choices that could result in severe consequences, like character death, resulting in a deep emotional impact not felt in games of this genre for a long time. Now established experts of the story telling episodic drama, Telltale secured the rights to Bill Willingham’s Fables comic book series and got to work on the noir-esque The Wolf Among Us. Following the story of Sheriff Bigby Wolf (a reformed Big Bad Wolf) around the murder inclined suburb of Fabletown, players have to make investigative choices to uncover the seedy underside of the place. The first episode received great reviews, averaging 85/100 across the board of all major gaming sites, and it has capitalised on all the mechanics that made The Walking Dead so successful, while adapting for an interesting and innovative new source material. The second episode was highly anticipated, but instead of being released on the usual monthly schedule it was pushed back and back again until it was almost four months after the original offering. For a full piece of content this may have been acceptable, but for an instalment with a playtime of around 50 minutes is that worth it? Many people think not. Rock, Paper, Shotgun were disappointed with ‘Smoke and Mirrors’, the second episode, calling it a ‘filler’ and a step down from episode one. Some people are having problems where they can’t even load the content they paid for. The wait has been so long that Telltale is now producing the second season of The Walking Dead, as well as new games for Borderlands and Game of Thrones. Their success has given them exclusive, lucrative contracts, but now they fail to meet deadlines. It’s possible that this very success will be their downfall.
T
Dog
Jamain
Imagine being unable to eat the majority of day to day foods? This is the problem for a one unfortunate individual whose body has the rare ability to convert carbohydrates to alcohol
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Episodic games have continued to get better and better over the years. Laura Staniforth looks closer at Telltale Games, a pioneer in the genre
At number one we have our primate the chimpanzee. With the ability to replicate human behaviour, they are the most intelligent animal species out there.
The man sandwiched ‘twixt hunger and hungover t’s the superpower that students aspire to- to get drunk from eating food. But for one man in Teesside, this dream is reality. 34-year old Matthew Hogg has a real-life ‘beer belly’ in which food that he eats is broken down into pure alcohol. He has had this condition since birth, and suffered from drunken episodes as a child. His condition worsened in his teenage years, and while studying for his A-levels Matthew would act highly intoxicated a few hours after consuming sugary or starchy foods. The consistent hangovers he experienced caused him to skip school and he was advised to seek a therapist for his problem. His affliction was only identified after a blood test showed abnormal levels of ethanol in his system, and doctors diagnosed Matthew with ‘Auto-Brewery Syndrome’. To regulate the fermenting mass in his stomach, he must stay away from high carbo-
Developer Details: Telltale Games
much smaller molecules, which are continually broken down until ethanol is produced. This reaction can occur under very low temperatures, so in a human stomach, the warmth can provide ideal conditions for the fermentation of ethanol. In the gut, the production of so much ethanol, which is released straight into the bloodstream, can cause alcohol poisoning and related problems. So, while the concept of pre-drinks being made up of beans on toast seems like a good idea, living a life without Subway or lasagne doesn’t appeal to me. Heather Flint
Amada44
The Wolf Among Us
The Courier
35.puzzles
Monday 24 February 2014
Puzzles There’s no quizness like show quizness, like no quizness I know. Hand in your answers at The Courier office to have a chance of winning drinks at MensBar
Crossword 1
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Puzzles Editors: Tom Nicholson and Sam Summers
Win a MensBar voucher
Grandma’s Pictionary
I sat down with Grandma for a game of pictionary, but she’s just not very good, bless her. Can you help me figure out which common phrase she’s trying to draw?
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Across
1 One who worries to excess over the state of their health (13) 7 16th century explorer who went on to set up a bicycle factory in 20th century Nottingham (7) 8 Extremely expensive fish eggs (6) 10 Italian word for ‘finished’ (6) 11 State of affairs which shows no sign of shifting in the near future (7) 13 The sort of person who’s paying for your pints at the mo (if you’ve got a loan, obv) (8) 15 Tiny bird known for hitching a ride on the back of an eagle in mythology (7) 16 Fable-wrangler extraordinaire (5) 18 Sport which was, for a few brief days, the greatest thing ever invented; now due to slide back into obscurity for another four years (7) 19 Pharrell’s third number 1 in 6 months (5)
The first person to bring the completed puzzles to The Courier office in the Students’ Union will be awarded the prize and the respect of their peers, which let’s be honest is priceless
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Down
1 Not discordant or chaotic; musically pleasant (10) 2 The most travelled of the Pythons; the least travelled of vice-presedential nominees (5) 3 Best bit of any medieval re-enactment, if not for vegetarians (3, 5) 4 One who makes a great fuss and drama (4) 5 The concept or property of endlessness (8) 6 Sequence of steps or moves in a dance (12) 9 Sideways (7) 12 Insect with bum-claws; one who eavesdrops (6) 14 Princess who keeps on getting into scrapes from which only two Italian plumbers can save her (5) 17 Tree product; one who is a bit of a wuss (3)
How do the navy transport wigs and blacksmiths around with them?
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Oh, Smiggsy! Via haircraft farrier!
36.sportfeatures
Monday 24 February 2014
The Courier
Sweep tight, Sochi
This week, The Courier takes a look at some of the most memorable sporting moments of the 2014 Winter Olympics Jenny Jones British Curling success medals on snow The Winter Olympics is not just about the high-octane thrills and spills of the skeleton, snowboarding and skiing. There are a number of more technical sports on display, and one of those, which Great Britain is very good at, is Curling. The women’s team secured an impressive bronze medal with a hard-fought 6-5 win over Switzerland whilst
Photography: Getty
the men’s team went one better by way of earning themselves a silver medal, regrettably slipping to a 9-3 defeat at the hands of an outstanding Canandian side in last Friday’s final. Curling, or ‘chess on ice’ as it is otherwise known, is a hugely tactical game, which has taken the nation by storm over the past fortnight. The women’s side, lead by skip Eve Muirhead, broke three Olympic records
on their way to the knockout stage of the competition. They scored seven points in one end, stole five without the hammer (the final stone which is usually a huge advantage) and scored 12 in one match. Sadly the girls came undone against a very strong Canadian side in the semi-finals, but the boys saw off world champions Sweden in making the final. Compared to the girls run of records in the round robin, the boys have gone about their business a little quieter. They finished tied for fourth after the round robin and as a result had to go through a playoff with N o r w a y, a game w h i c h produced arguably the finest shot of the tournament to date. Team GB were a point down in the tenth and final end as skip Dave Murdoch prepared to launch the final stone of the game. He had two options: take the simpler shot which would secure one point, tying the game up but leaving his opponent with the all important hammer in the deciding end, or attempt an extremely difficult shot, cannoning off two other stones to try and take out two Norwegian stones and win the game there and then.
You could see in Murdoch’s eyes that he fancied it, but it looked like a huge punt and even Steve Cram seemed unsure of the chances of success. What followed was nothing short of amazing; Murdoch played the shot to perfection, took out his opponent’s stones which lay in the house, and left two of his own in scoring positions to secure the match and see Great Britain through to the semi-finals. Murdoch and his side secured at least a silver medal, after more last stone drama in their semi final with Sweden. This again saw Murdoch play a perfect, albeit much simpler, final shot to win the game. After a comprehensive defeat at the hands of the Canadian team, it was to be silver, but this medal sees Team GB equal their best ever Winter Olympic medal haul, and given all our curlers are Scots this could potentially be the last Great British success on the ice.
Ole Einar Bjoerndalen During last Sunday’s closing ceremony of this season’s biggest event, we would have asked ourselves a simple question – what have the 22nd Winter Olympics brought to the world? Sure, a set of mind-blowing entertaining experiences, a couple of rememberable gaffes and above all a $51 billion dollar party. But much like everything else in life, their true meaning lies elsewhere – in the heart of their greatest champion. In the twilight of his career, Ole Einar Bjoerndalen went to Sochi having just celebrated his 40th birthday but will return to his beloved Norway as an immortal hero. The gentleman widely known as the “Biathlon King” became the most decorated Winter Olympian of all time in this year’s games, grabbing his 13th medal in six competitions after his debut in 1994. Bjoerndalen first matched the record of his compatriot Bjorn Dahlie with a victory in the 10-kilometer sprint before leading his teammates to the crown in the first ever Olympic mixed relay in biathlon. “I had not prepared myself for this it’s a dream. Our performance is unique”, confessed the runner with a trembling voice after the race.
Once christened the “Prince” by Norwegian media, the biathlete has long since lived to the expectations of his nation. His endless hunger for prosperity also earned him the name “Cannibal” somewhere during a sterling 21-year professional career. A symbol of commitment and mental toughness, Bjoerndalen has yet again displayed his exceptional perseverance, consistency and passion on his successful course into the history books. In his sixth and last Winter Olympics Ole Einar Bjoerndalen owned the Russian stage to prove that, as romantic as it might sound, nothing is impossible. So if you thought these would be the Games of King Vladimir, think again. Because in their end these were without doubt the Games of King Ole. Peter Georgiev Russian ice hockey star Alexander Ovechkin Photography: Getty
Will Crane
On the 9th February, slope style ski and snowboarding were introduced into the Winter Olympic Game for the first time. However, nobody seems to have quite got the grasp of just yet. Even, it seems, the competitors who are taking part in it. Aimee Fuller, missing out on qualifying for the final runs, commentated on the action as Jenny Jones, British favourite, undertook her bid for an Olympic medal, in the quest to become the first Great Britain have won on snow since the beginning of the Games in 1924. Jenny Jones, from Bristol, impressively won Bronze with a score of 87.25 in the XXII Sochi Winter Olympic games. With an agonising 45 minute wait for the competition to play out, Jones started in Gold medal position before slipping into Bronze as Jamie Anderson of the USA took Gold and Enni Rukajarvi of Finland took Silver. Fuller’s excitable commentary along with Ed Leigh and Tim Warwood included phrases only ever heard by ‘totally radical’ boarders who have created their own, perhaps “squirelly”, language to spark the appetite of the new sport: whilst Jeremy Sare branded it “inane
drivel” on Twitter, thousands of others saw the commentary as “sport at its best” and expressed an enthusiasm for young commentators offering an original spin on a new sport. Anyway, with the BBC attracting a 3.1m strong audience, who can complain? British interest in slope style has been bigger than any other sport, thanks to our dry slope centres across the UK which have courses similar to those undertaken in Sochi. Jones only began snowboarding at 17; she learnt on Bristol’s dry slope and then moved to France to pursue her slope style Olympic future, funding her exploits working in a French Chalet and a doughnut shop. And her success shows. Only at 33, did Jones come third in a competition big enough to attract national and international attention. Her risk as a teenager, dropping life in the UK for life in “cleaning toilets” in the French Alps, has been awarded with national recognition by excitable commentators, bringing patriotic success into a brightly lit limelight. Jones’ expectations are now even higher: “Hopefully I’ll make it into a few pub quizzes.” Jennifer Coles
Russia vs. USA ice hockey shootout The significance of the Group A ice hockey match between Russia and the United States could not be understated leading up to the 2014 Winter Olympics. The importance of this match to both teams goes beyond a mere ranking in a round robin group, as it was branded a modern-day “Miracle on Ice”. Socially and politically, a victory would bring great pride, and either enhance or diminish Russian expectations as host country. With the 2010 Olympics being a monumental disappointment for Russian hockey, the country’s expectations were reliant on the ice hockey’s performance in Sochi. The match was played at the Bolshoi Winter Dome with Russian President, Vladimir Putin in presence, an amateur ice
hockey player himself. The first period was neck-and-neck, with both teams attempting to get a rhythm on the ice and dictate play. With power plays going to both teams, neither team was able to capitalize. The first goal went to Russia midway through the second period, a quick flick from captain Datsyuk breaking the game’s deadlock. The elation in the crowd was short lived however, as the US capitalised on the extra man they had to equalise before the end of the second period. As the match came to a frantic end, nothing but drama could be expected as a Russian goal was ruled out with 5 minutes left in the match due to a movement of the goal posts. As overtime came and went, meaning that a penalty shootout would have to decide the outcome of the match. As TJ Oshie scored the final penalty, making it USA 4 - Russia - 3, with the final score ending up 3 - 2 respectively. The result meant that USA had exacted revenge on the 1980 “Miracle on Ice” match. Looking at the reaction from the crowd, the heartbreak from this loss would only have been remedied by reclaiming the gold medal. Sadly, this wasn’t to be case however as Russia would go on to lose in the competition’s quarter finals to a stout Finland outfit, drawing to a close an allrounding disappointing showing from the host nation on the ice. Huezin Lim
The Courier
intramuralsport.37
Monday 24 February 2014
Magic Medics on the cusp of Intra Mural greatness Division One Medics 1sts
9
Larrakins
3
Jones 17 33 45 58, Greenstock (O.G.) 20, Stamer 28, Edwards 37 (p), Harris 83, Duckworth 90
Hoctor 5, Redman 68, Adamson 70
By Nick Gabriel in Longbenton
Anderson Durkan
Preston Screawn
Harris Edwards (c)
Huntley Jones
Stamer
O’Hara Morant
Hoctor (c)
Ajuh
Clay
Paulin Adamson
Ross
Greenstock
Redman
Howard
Greenlees
Rawson
Dresdner SC of Germany 1942/43. Ferencárosi of Hungary 1931/32. Nacional of Uruguay 1941. Sunrise Flacq United of Mauritius 1995/96. Medics 1st team of Newcastle University 2013/14? Following last Wednesday’s 9-3 thumping of Barca-Law-Na in Longbenton, the Medic 1’s are now just two wins away from adding their names to an illustrious, albeit incredibly bizarre, list of teams who have gone an entire footballing season without dropping a
single point. Whilst last week’s victory all but wrapped up the title for the Medics, it is testament to the remarkable year they are having that the regaining of the Division One crown has arguably become a sideshow to their pursuit of something much, much greater: absolute Intra Mural perfection. However, for a short while their ultimately comfortable victory over a depleted Barca outfit appeared as though it might not be as routine as Intra Mural pundits and punters alike had predicted prior to kickoff. Inexplicably, the future lawyers took a shock lead in the encounter with just five minutes gone, as Alex Hoctor showed fine composure to coolly round Medics’ goalkeeper Dale Anderson and slide the ball home following a hopeful punt upfield. Any Barca hopes of springing a surprise upset were short-lived however, as the unrelenting spell of Medics pressure that followed saw them turn the scoreline around to lead 2-1 through a header from Dan Jones, the first of his four goals, and an unfortunate own goal from Barca centre-half Joe Greenstock. Having fully recovered from the shock start, the Medics continued to assert their influence on the game as they began to produce some scintillating pass-and-move football worthy of comparison, in relative terms, to some of the stuff conjured up by Bayern Munich in their dismantling of Arsenal that evening. Medics proceeded to completely dominate the rest of the half ’s proceedings, adding an extra four goals to their tally in the process. Right-winger Ben Stamer rounded off a neat team move by smashing home, prior to Jones grabbing his second of the day with a fine header following a perfectly weighted lofted through ball into his path by the tireless Dave Edwards. Edwards then added his own name to a growing list of scorers, putting Mesut Özil to shame with a perfectly slotted spot kick to further increase his side’s
eal u q S
Medic right-back Neil Harris plays a pass down the line Photography: Nick Gabriel
lead, after Scott Huntley had been felled in the penalty box. On the stroke of the interval, Jones capped an impressive individual firsthalf performance by completing his hat-trick. On this occasion, the talisman was assisted by a sumptuously flighted through ball by James O’Hara; evidence of his possessing of a left foot educated to a similar standard as his professional footballing namesake. Jones then showed great poise to take the ball on his chest, hold off the challenge of the retreating defender, and finish with aplomb past onrushing Barca keeper, Scott Rawson. In spite of the growingly frustrated Barca captain Hoctor endulging in a spot of metaphorical teacup in his side’s figurative dressing room during the halftime interval, the second period continued in much the same vein as the first. Most noticeably, the Medics continued to enjoy boundless success down their
Men’s Rugby 1s:
left-hand side, with O’Hara repeatedly combining well with the outstanding Alex Screawn. It came as little surprise therefore when combination provided the source for the Medics’ seventh goal, as neat link-up play between the two resulted in a pin-point cutback from Screawn which Jones duly stroked home. Now six goals down, Barca at last managed to muster a brief period of resistance against the dominant Medics outfit, as a goal apiece from midfielders Tom Redman and Luc Adamson in quick succession briefly reduced the deficit to ‘just’ the four goals. Redman finished tidily in off the post from just inside the box, prior to Adamson slotting home from a similar position to further restore respectability to the scoreline. Regrettably for Barca, this respectability was somewhat fleeting. They were unaided in their cause following a spot of off-the-ball handbags between Medics captain Edwards, and Redman
Cross Country:
Northumbria
of Barca. The scuffle between the two quickly developed into a full-on 22-man brawl. Once the dust had eventually settled, the two original perpetrators were shown red by the referee. With both sides beginning to tire in the game’s closing stages, the strength in depth of the Medics became a telling factor as they added a further two goals to their mounting tally. Substitute Adam Duckworth had a hand in both, first squaring the ball across for Neil Harris to tap home following a corner. He was then subsequently able to add to his own phenomenal Intra Mural record with a simple finish right at the game’s death to complete the game’s scoring and, in doing so, round off a superb all-round team display from the Medics that sees them move to within two wins of achieving unprecedented Intra Mural greatness.
Wary that the pigs may have expended their psychic energy, we handed the important task of predicting the final pecking order to this equally potent cockerel...
Final Result:
Badminton:
Newcastle
e of n fortu
Stan Calvert is a decades-old competition steeped in tradition, much like the practice of getting animals to predict the outcomes of sporting events. Sam Summers and Tom Nicholson headed down to the Ouseburn Farm to tap into the psychic potential of porcine precognitives Babushka and Fizziwig...
Northumbria Netball:
Newcastle
Newcastle See Babushka and Fizziwig in action at www.thecourieronline.co.uk/sport and don’t forget to visit the girls down at Ouseburn Farm and donate at www.bykerbridge.org.uk/farm
38.sportbucs
Monday 23 February 2014
The Courier
Salisbury secures 2nds a point Men’s Football Newcastle 2nds
2
Bishops Burton 1sts
2
By Peter Georgiev in Longbenton A double from supreme Jake Salisbury frustrated favourites Bishop Burton 1st, earning Newcastle 2nds a reasonable 2-2 draw against the front-runners in the league. Despite having to come from behind on two occasions, the home side forced a draw thanks to the forward’s audacious efforts in a game where tensions ran high. Thirty-six fouls, two mini-fights and one injured player weren’t enough for
the referee to show each club more than a single yellow card. At a chilly, though windless Longbenton, the home side relied on target man Jake Salisbury to make use of the best chances, supported by Robie Sweet and wingers Danny Knowles and Jordan Cross. Newcastle’s 4-2-3-1 formation seemed integral in troubling the opposing defensive line, with Knowles and Cross dangerously charging down both channels. Salisbury’s willingness to make the breakthrough was evident in the commencing stages of the match after firing in a threatening ball from the edge of the box. However, the Bishops took the lead against the run of play after 8 minutes. An unfortunate deflection into Lewis Whybrow send keeper Zhulien Genev the wrong way and gave a unexpected advantage to the men in green shirts. The goal gave momentum to the visitors, with a sudden turnaround in pos-
session as the guests grew confident of their skills and took control of the action. Newcastle’s confusion resulted in a genuine struggle in the last third of the pitch and a considerable absence of opportunities, with only Cross posing a threat to the Bishop backline. The winger stormed down the right flank before rolling it back to Phil Bea-
aggressive play from both sides. Whilst Bishop spurned chances to extend their lead in the first half, the second forty-five welcomed a newly inspired Newcastle and a furious Jake Salisbury. Justice was finally restored, as after another round of ricochets Salisbury found himself with the ball in feet and tucked it home to level the score line.
After another round of ricochets, Salisbury found himself with the ball in feet and tucked it home to level the score line hon who was denied by the keeper. Hauled down, Salisbury asked for a penalty but witnessed a clear negative response from the referee. The tension escalated just minutes later, as a rapid outburst of emotions had to be put to rest due to the continuing
Six victories in the last seven clashes meant Newcastle’s confidence was soaring, as they sought to extend their streak. Knowles hit another one from the arc but his shot went wide. The Geordies dominated their opponents but were then punished for their
lack of efficiency. A Bishop goal was disallowed for a handball on the hour mark but seconds later the guest side was again in front. One of the few precise left-wing crosses set up a header in the six-yard box and Genev was helpless for a second time. Facing a regrettable defeat, Newcastle pushed harder to find the net again and the work paid off. Poor passing let Danny Knowles clutch the ball and run into the box, coming up with an accurate lay-off for Jake Salisbury. The forward touched in yet another valuable equalizer to snatch a single but treasured point from the Bishops. The result sees Bishop Burton 1st staying on top of the group and fails to propel Newcastle 2nd to higher ranking as the team sits on the fourth place with 13 points and a game in hand. The next matchday will see the Geordies face Durham 2nd in a crucial showdown for the second spot on 5th March.
Salisbury scores against Bishops Burton. Photography: Peter Georgiev
Wildcats prepare for Poly Ice Hockey By Jack Legind Saturday 15th March is the date to which Newcastle University Wildcats and Northumbria Kings are looking forward to as they take to the ice to contest the North-East Varsity 2014. Both teams have had brilliant seasons so far, with the Wildcats currently sitting unbeaten at the top of Division 3 (non-checking), and the Kings one half of a breakaway pair battling for top spot in Division 2 (checking). Things are therefore finely poised for the next instalment of a fiercely fought, winner takes all, Posh vs. Poly battle, at Whitley Bay Ice Palace on the 15th March. Both teams will go into the game with confidence after strong seasons, and will be keen to throw down a marker and make claim to this year’s bragging
rights. Coach Dan Davison’s Wildcats have scored 42 goals in 4 games, with netminder Nick Smith having been beaten just 5 times. This will give them confidence to get shots off and test Northumbria’s defence. With 9 players scoring at least 2 goals a game each so far this season, including 16 goals for their defence alone, they are by no means a one-man team and will give the Kings a tough game. The Kings are also a free scoring team, with 61 goals in 7 games so far. However, 21 goals have went in at the other end - more than 4 times the number conceded by the Wildcats, in only 3 more games. Unfortunately for the Kings and their impressive goal haul, 3 of their 5 top point scorers are ineligible for this Posh vs. Poly encounter, which could leave them with gaps going forward. Despite this fact, the Kings will no doubt be confident they can get a varsity win after challenging for promotion in a
higher division than the Wildcats. Peter Zając and Adam Perrie will both undoubtedly feature for the Kings, giving them plenty of firepower against the
That said, Newcastle captain Sam Clarke has warned the Kings that his Wildcats are more than up for the challenge, saying that “It’s going to be the
The players are expecting a tight, physical, game, but believe that they can give the Kings a real test despite arguably entering into the game as underdogs wildcats defence, as they head for goal. Another advantage for Northumbria is their experience in playing checking hockey, whereas the Newcastle Wildcats play in a non-checking league. This means that the Wildcats will have to be ready for a much more physical game than they are used to, and be prepared to give hits as well as take them if they are to match Northumbria in that department.
toughest game of the season but we are up for the challenge. We have a good balance of size, skill and speed, and we’re not afraid to hit them, so Northumbria better keep their heads up on the ice. It will be rough - there will be fights and big hits but we are confident of giving them a tough game.” Clearly, the mood around the Wildcats camp is positive. The players are expecting a tight, physical game, but
believe that they can give the Kings a real test despite probably going into the game as underdogs. The Kings will be ready to exhibit the big-hitting, offensive game that has seen them excel in Division 2, but the Wildcats will be on the crest of a wave after their flawless start to the Div3 season. The form the Wildcats have seen in this league will have hopefully have resulted in them claiming the league title by the time the varsity game comes around. North East Varsity 2014 should be a fantastic spectacle and a great advert for the sport that both clubs love. Get tickets for the game from either club, or via the Facebook event, “Newcastle Uni Wildcats vs Northumbria Kings” with all proceeds going to charity. Keep up to date with the live action at @NCL_ Wildcats on twitter.
The Courier
sportbucs.39
Monday 23 February 2014
Mitchell makes waves Canoe Club
By Matthew Plant It was a Friday evening, the boats were in the van and 28 members of the Newcastle University Canoe Club were settled down in the Teeside Metro Inn. This weekend would play host to the biggest canoeing event of the BUCS calendar - Canoe Slalom. 26 universities from across the country would compete for the coveted trophy and the many BUCS points on offer. If you don’t know what Canoe Slalom is, you’ve probably seen it on the telly during the London Olympic games where team GB won a gold and silver. In its basic form a competitor races down a whitewater course; this in itself can be a challenge as there are a number of drops, artificial rocks, and turns to navigate.
the reds gates you t paddle through upstream; meaning paddling against the flow of the water, demanding a combination of skill, power and courage. The events are split between mens, womens, singles and teams. In the team events three paddlers navigate the course together. The time starts when the first paddler reaches the start line and when the last paddler crosses the finish line. However all three competitors must cross the finish line within 15 seconds of each other, otherwise the time does not count. For a number of weeks before the competition, NUCC had been training at the white water course in Teeside near Middlesbrough so we could improve our technique and master the course in question. We knew that if we wanted to do well, we were going to have to work hard. BUCS slalom is highly competitive and there would be many team GB paddlers who we were going to have to race against; many of
It was in the C2 discipline that the team really excelled, coming top overall by a significant margin over rival sides However in Canoe Slalom, much like in Ski Slalom, you must try to go between poles called gates. If you hit a pole with anything (body, paddle or boat) it is a two second penalty added to your time, however if you miss a gate entirely it is a 50 second penalty. There are twenty numbered gates to go through. The green gates you paddle through in a downstream direction and
which will be going to the 2016 olympics in Rio. (Unfortunately none would be competing for us.) The Saturday morning consisted of the mens K1 - the most competitive event with 150 paddlers. Missing a gate will put you in at least 80th place, so your run has to be perfect. Phil Mitchell of NUCC came a fantastic 7th place, and combined with the points from our oth-
Men’s Rugby Union
Unsurprisingly, Met opted for the scru m in order to make use of their size advantage in the pack. This was an immensely effective move; their scrum simply demolished the already weakened Newcastle pack eventually leading to a pick up off the floor from the Met Number 8 and the first score of the match. With the simple conversion completed, Met had the early lead and seemed destined to increase it as the game progressed. Newcastle, as they so often are, were keen to return the favor from the restart, and sought to put immediate pressure on the Met 22. They pressed the Met line until eventually a penalty was awarded for the home team and a chance for Scrum Half Rhodri Adamson to slot home Newcastle’s first points of the afternoon. This was however much easier said than done; it was a far out kick from the half way line, into the wind, which would challenge most kickers. Unfortunately, his kick lacked the necessary distance, meaning Met retained their seven-point lead. Signs were positive though for Newcastle; they were stringing phases together with ease. Tom Banks, usually the first choice Scrum Half who had been switched to Fly Half to cover for the injured George Cullen, was acquitting himself admirably; organizing the play and making the most of his backline options. As the game progressed, however,
Phil Mitchell competes in C1. Photography: James Hinwood
er paddlers the club managed to come top in the mens K1 category overall. By the afternoon it was time for mixed C1, C2 and womens K1 teams. Paddling C1 and C2 is already difficult but due to the tide coming in, the course had become even more difficult; many teams didn’t even make it 10m past the start before having swim out of their boat. But Phil Mitchell (C1), with Annabel Hosking (K1) and Sarah Mcgarrity (K1) came 6th showing us that the girls can do as good if not better than the boys. Sunday morning was C1, C2 and womens K1 (singles). We did well in the C1 and womens K1, but it was in the C2 that we really excelled coming in top overall by a wide margin. In Sunday af-
ternoon it was the final event, the mens K1 teams. Team events carry double points so this event could make or break the competition. NUCC performed expertly with all five of our teams making it into the top 40 and surely securing us a good position overall. At 3.30pm the medals ceremony began, team Newcastle were huddled together, the whitewater course behind us slowly draining as it was being switched off. We were hoping to replicate last years solid performance of fourth place, but instead we absolutely smashed it and came a staggering second. We finished with 1308 points, only 19 behind Nottingham Trent (the de facto home of team GB), beating out our rivals Lough-
borough and Durham. It has been an exceptional year for NUCC, having already gained a second place at BUCS Wild Water Racing in November, we are now one of the top Universities for canoeing in the country. It is due to all the hard work and dedication that everyone has put in. Thanks must go out to all who competed, our coach Chris Barrett and the sports centre for their support.
Met seemed to become stronger and stronger; their pack was omnipotent, giving their illusive backline the perfect platform on which to build a score. They seemed almost impossible to stop, meaning that a try was now an inevitability. With the simple kick converted, Met had now mounted a purportedly unassailable 14-point lead. Despite their lead, one element that let the league-leaders down was their poor discipline in defense. This allowed Newcastle to gain crucial territory just before the half. Adamson was given the
chance to put their first points on the board, something he did with consummate ease. Though 11 points behind, Newcastle were undoubtedly in the game and on the hunt for more points before the break. Adamson had the chance to further decrease the away team’s lead in the shadows of half time which he also converted meaning that the deficit had been cut to only 8 points. The lay of the land at half time was compelling to say the least; Newcastle had been blown away in the opening twenty minutes of the game, which meant that an increasingly tough task was in store for them in the second half. The first score after the break, as so often is the case, was going to be crucial in determining the outcome of the game; if Met were to score, Newcastle would be simply and irrevocably out of the contest, however if the home team were to strike first, a spellbinding upset could potentially be on the cards. Such an event, however, seemed unlikely from the start of the second half with Met immediately gaining territory in Newcastle’s 22. Newcastle were under instantaneous pressure, and because of this, fell foul of the referee, giving away a penalty from the ruck. Crucially, Met capitalized on this early infringement from their penalty lineout drive, leading to yet another score for the visitors. Even with the conversion missed, this was a hammer blow for Newcastle; now
down by 13 points, the result seemed ominous to say the least. From then on in, Newcastle were powerless to resist Met’s superior strength and power. Despite their initial resilience, gaps were starting to form in Newcastle’s defensive line which Met continued to relentlessly plunder. Clearly frustrated, the home side gave into further bouts of ill restraint; after a penalty was awarded to them inside their own half, a round of backchat toward the referee from one of the Newcastle forwards caused the penalty to be reversed allowing Met to strike the knockout punch. Now a cavernous 18 points ahead, Met had the game won. Newcastle’s brave defiance was astonishing, however they were simply outplayed. With another try to cap of a successful outing for the travelers, the scoreboard posed a particularly ugly picture for 1st XV. Moreover, due to nature of this loss, Newcastle remain out of cup contention behind Northumbria in the BUCS Leagues, a sizeable blow for all concerned. With a handful of fixtures left this season, one sincerely hopes that this team can regain some of its earlier from and acquire that 4th spot. Also, with Stan Calvert just around the corner, they will be hoping for an improvement in their own performance in the run up to the biggest game of the year.
If you’re interested in being a part of the club; whether you’re an amateur thrill seeker or just want to join us on our legendary socials, contact club president Matt Rose at m.d.rose@ncl.ac.uk.
NURFC battered by Leeds Newcastle 1sts
6
Leeds Met 1sts
33
By Jonty Mawer at Cochrane Park Outmuscled, outgunned and outclassed; the Newcastle 1st XV have yet again fallen to Leeds Metropolitan by 33 points to 6. Though weakened from the outset in terms of personnel, the 1sts conducted themselves admirably, however, there was no doubt from a spectator’s point of view, who was the more superior out of these two outfits. From the start, it was clear that the visitors had a well-honed strategy for breaking down their opponent; immediately from the kick off, the away side’s fly half launched a strategically astute kick into the Newcastle 22. An early score seemed imminent. Newcastle did their best to counter this early onslaught with their customary blitz defense, which worked in their favor for a number of phases until familiar over-exuberance at the break down got the better of them, awarding a scoring opportunity to the visitors.
Penalties Conceded
Newcastle Leeds Met
6
11 Newcastle showed comparatively good discipline but this did little to tip the scoreline in their favour.
Sport
www.thecourieronline.co.uk Monday 24 February 2014 Issue 1286 Free
thecourieronline.co.uk/sport
Sports Editors: Nick Gabriel, Freddie Caldwell and Fran Fitzsimmons courier.sport@ncl.ac.uk | @Courier_Sport
2ND FOR CANOE IN BUCS The canoe club rock the boat in BUCS p.39
PSYCHIC PIGS
Babushka predicts Stan Calvert outcome p.37
Newcastle’s Harry Kempe sees off two Dundee defenders Photography: Holly Magill
Royals ease into quarters Men’s Hockey
Newcastle 1sts
2
Dundee 1sts
0
By Fran Fitzsimmons in Longbenton Having won the BUCS trophy in the 2011/12 season, Newcastle’s men’s 1st XI were keen to put their semi-final loss from last season behind them. Captain Kempe’s team displayed determination from the opening whistle, and shocked an overconfident Dundee. The Scottish Premiership champions thought they had it in the bag, but an impressive Newcastle display gave the league winners a 2-0 loss to contemplate on their long journey home. The game started with a lengthy ball from Henry Dodd-Moore through the centre, which found Marcus Adams on the wing. A scuttle for the ball resulted in Dundee being forced to clear the ball off the sideline to extinguish the forthcoming threat from Jon Byrd. A Dundee hit out found George Allison at the halfway line. Holding onto the ball in the mid-field, Allison displayed skill and patience and let Dundee cause the foul, giving possession to Newcastle
in a reasonable attacking position. Despite having next to no possession, Dundee scurried forward with pace towards the Newcastle circle, and their left midfielder let a cross rip from the outside of the circle, across the goal face. The Dundee right forward failed to convert the excellent chance, merely clipping the ball at the back post and sending it skimming above the crossbar.
from the injured Ben Underwood, “calm it down, they’re playing at a stupidly quick pace”. NUMC President Simon Miles executed the composed play Newcastle needed, after gaining possession at the halfway line and drove to the top of the Dundee circle, playing the ball to the back post and missing striker Josh Mackey by inches.
Gus Hill somehow deflected the ball into the net whilst spinning around in a circle to score a ridiculous goal Momentum was all of a sudden with Dundee as Newcastle struggled to run down their speedy passing. The fast paced game came as an initial shock to the Royals, as they sat back, seemingly stunned at Dundee’s reactions and running off the ball, allowing them to execute their clinical attacking plays. Well drilled, the Dundee midfielders ‘textbookly’ took the ball on the move and charged at Newcastle’s back four, catching them off guard as they tracked back, forcing Charlie Russell-Jones to make a high pressure tackle. A series of attacks from Dundee were unconverted, and the realization Newcstle needed to do something about the away side’s momentum caused shouts
The resulting Dundee hit out fell to Student Union President Calum McKenzie. Dribbling forward, Calum was fouled outside the D, and with both umpires failing to blow the whistle, Calum sought revenge and made a sliding challenge on the Dundee centre back. With Newcastle pressurizing the keeper, Dundee’s centre back made a desperate attempt to clear the ball, and lifted it into the mouth of Gus Hill. Neither umpire saw the incident as dangerous, contradicting themselves as they blew to allow Gus time to recover from being hit in the face. Instead a free hit to Dundee was awarded. Feeling the pressure, the Dundee centre back made a rooky error and
played the ball straight to Henry Hazell. A shoulder barge on Hazell showed Dundee’s desperation at trying to stop the forthcoming Newcastle effort. Tempers flared. Momentum Newcastle. A bout of Newcastle possession saw Greg Whitaker receive the ball around the back. He played a long pass the length of the pitch into the Dundee D, which was deflected by Newcastle captain Harry Kempe and slotted into the bottom corner. 1-0 Newcastle. Dundee’s retaliation didn’t replicate Newcastle’s textbook goal, after their edge of the circle drag flick was saved easily by goalie Jack Paisley. Quick passing by the Royals defenders saw Dundee embarrassingly scurrying to win possession. Aware that they were trailing, Dundee committed desperate fouls on the Newcastle midfield in an attempt to get the ball back. Newcastle defenders found a pass down the right wing to Calum Hodson, who hit a long ball across the goal face. Gus Hill’s positioning couldn’t have been better as he somehow deflected the ball, whilst spinning around in a circle. As Marcus Adams said, it could only be described as ‘a ridiculous goal.’ The whistle blew soon after to award Newcastle 1sts a 2-0 win. There were high expectations for the Dundee side with them being Scottish Premiership Champions, but their threat didn’t prove great enough to challenge Newcastle’s dominance.
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Photography: Getty
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