Courier 1311

www.thecourieronline.co.uk Tuesday 5 May 2015 Issue 1311 Free

NEVER MIND THE BALLOTS Sick of the leaders’ debates?

Student activists argue the toss over the big issues p. 16

The Independent Voice of Newcastle Students

Est 1948

THE BOAT RACE YARD OUT HERE Where the race will be A complete guide to using that won and lost p. 42

bit behind your house p.12

“Feminism, in my opinion, is about finding equality between the sexes and I think anyone who says that this is already happening is wrong” Thousand-strong crowd turns out for Everyday Sexism talk Interview with Laura Bates, p.2

End ‘inappropriate’ zero tolerance drugs policy, campaigners demand Poll: 40% of students unaware of Uni policy on drug use

By Tom Nicholson Editor A pressure group is preparing to take a motion to Students’ Union Council aimed at ending the Uni’s ‘zero tolerance’ policy toward drug use and possession in halls, in the same week in which an exclusive Courier poll has found that 40% of students were unaware of the policy, and that the legal status of banned substances makes no difference to the habits of nearly two thirds of respondents.

The poll, which takes in the views of over 500 Newcastle students, was produced in collaboration with Students for Sensible Drugs Policy (SSDP), a group who plan to challenge the zero tolerance policy which the University holds towards drugs found in halls.

Writing in this week’s Courier, SSDP leader Zoe Carre describes the current system as “an inappropriate solution to

Uni: “Zero tolerance is intended to be fair and just and act as deterrent”

a complex issue”, which “implies that students choosing not to abstain from illegal drug use will not be tolerated, despite the complexity of reasons to engage in such behaviour... [it] serves to further marginalise students who are most in need of support.”

As it stands, the Uni says established allegations of drug use in halls “will result... in the termination of the residence contract of any resident of University owned and managed accommodation against whom relevant evidence is established.

“This might be having illegal substances on their person or in their accommodation, using illegal substances or being found to be supplying illegal substances and using the accommodation for this purpose.

“It should be noted that this applies to incidents both on and off University campus.”

Lesley Braiden, the University’s

Academic Registrar, said: “The University has an obligation to abide by the law and also has a duty of care to all residents in University accommodation to ensure that they are able to live in a safe, secure and healthy accommodation environment and be protected from illegal drugs use.

“The ‘zero tolerance’ policy is intended to be fair and just to all students and to be a deterrent to those contemplating involvement with illegal drugs.

“The results of the drug survey will be discussed at relevant University / Union committees and groups.”

According to the statistics obtained from the University by the Courier, 16 people were evicted from halls for drug possession in the academic year 2013/14, a significant rise from 2012/13’s figure of four evictions. However, 30 people were evicted in 2011/12.

The legal status of the drugs respondents used seemed to be

Inside: the Courier’s biggest ever drugs survey

irrelevant to most, with 64% saying that this made no difference to their decisions surrounding drug use.

Somewhat unsurprisingly, the most popular drug was alcohol, which had been used by 98% of respondents. 27% of those respondents said that they used alcohol more than once a week, the highest instance of multiple usages per week. Tobacco was next highest in this respect, with 19% of respondents smoking more than once a week, followed by 10% of respondents saying that they used cannabis with the same frequency.

Fifty-eight percent said that they had tried nitrous oxide, most popularly consumed via inhalation from a balloon and recently the subject of tabloid stories outing footballers Raheem Sterling and Jack Grealish as alleged users.

Forty-eight per cent said that they had used MDMA at least once in the last year, either in pill form or as crystals.

More inside Full breakdown of results p. 5 Why ‘zero tolerance’ has to be challenged p. 9

2

News

Monday 4 May 2015

thecourieronline.co.uk/news

NEWS

4 5

Robbo library sets up birdbox webcams

Feminist icon fills four lecture theatres

COMMENT

9

News Editors: Antonia Velikova, Kate Dewey and Mark Sleightholm Online News Editor: Ashley Williams courier.news@ncl.ac.uk | @TheCourier_News

Laura Bates, author of Everyday Sexism and the founder of the Everyday Sexism Project, was on campus last Thursday as part of the The results of INSIGHTS Lectures series hosted by the our big drugs University. Before her lecture, which was so survey popular that three extra lecture halls were opened up so that the talk could be streamed live into them, she spoke to The Courier ‘Zero tolerance’ drugs stance is founded on faulty logic

CULTURE

12 13 15 16 33 37

How to use your yard to the max

Blind Date: David meets So-­ phie

The Courier

By Sophie Norris Hi Laura. So you’re here today for the INSIGHTS public lecture on your project and subsequent book called Everyday Sexism. What was your aim when setting up the project?

I didn’t really start the project with any particular action in mind. It was mainly to shine a light on the issue. It’s such a big problem; we’ve recently hit the 100,000 mark for reports on sexual harassment to our project. We’re in our third year now.

The Feminist Society is arguably one of the most proactive societies on campus, starting up successful campaigns to tackle ‘Lad Culture’ on campus.

What do you think universities can do to tackle sexism and ‘lad culture’?

Well firstly, I think that’s amazing. It’s really good to see students getting involved in the effort to tackle sexism on campus because it is such a big issue. I think that universities and institutions

themselves should be doing a lot more to tackle sexism. They should be offering support, giving out pamphlets, setting out a clear and decisive policy on how they will deal with such instances.

They need to have a zero-tolerance policy towards it. That would make it easier for people who are suffering in silence to come forward about it.

Image: Jessica Bayley enced sexual harassment.

The banning of ProteinWorld’s ‘Are you beach body ready?’ ad campaign on the London Underground has featured heavily in the news this week.

What is your response to the advertisement and the way women have been reacting to it?

I think their reaction has been good

“It’s really good to see students getting involved in the effort to tackle sexism on campus because it is such a big issue” What would you say to anyone reading this who is experiencing everyday sexism or sexual harassment of some kind?

I would say that no answer is the right answer. Individuals should decide what is best for them. They can go to their Students’ Union, Women’s Officer – there are lots of support organizations out there for people who have experi-

and positive. They have been responding to it with intelligence, wit and a good sense of humour. They have been protesting peacefully to a ridiculous campaign. It is ridiculous that the media should define what a ‘beach body’ is and is an example of how misogyny is so normalised and ingrained. I think it’s a good sign that there has been such a backlash against it. Over 200,000

people signed a petition against Page 3 last year, and thousands of people have complained about this. I think that is a sign that people are waking up to the extent of the problem. Sexism is a dripdrop issue that means it happens gradually and in silence. It’s importance that we should express solidarity against the issue.

Finally, what would you say is the most common misconception about Feminism?

I think the most common misconception is that feminism is about women who hate men. This is not the case at all. Feminism, in my opinion, is about finding equality between the sexes and I think anyone who says that this is already happening is wrong. My project is evidence that sexism is still a huge problem to be tackled.

Laura Bates’ book Everyday Sexism is available to purchase now. Information about her project and further advice can be found at www.everydaysexism.com

Top revi-­ sion spots around campus Edgy shirts: actually just shit?

Review: Blur’s Magic Whip Whale of the week

NUSU, King’s Walk, Newcastle upon Tyne, NE1 8QB. Tel: 0191 239 3940

The Courier is a weekly newspaper produced by students, for students. It’s never too late to get involved in the paper, whether you’re a writer, illustrator or photographer. Email editor. union@ncl.ac.uk for more information.

Laura Bates with members of FemSoc. Image: Sarah Stephenson Editor Tom Nicholson News Editors Antonia Velikova, Kate Dewey, Mark Sleightholm and Ashley Williams Comment Editors Victoria Armstrong, Matt Corden and Ruth Davis Culture Editor Kate Bennett Lifestyle Editors Tom Tibble, Annie Lord, Jack Dempsey and Holly Suttle Fashion Editors Amy O’Rourke, Hannah Fitton and Hannah Goldstein Beauty Editors Charlotte Davies, Charlotte Maxwell and Kathy Davidson Arts Editors Becka Crawshaw, Lucy Chenery and Jess Harman Film Editors David Leighton, Rosie Bellini and George Smith Music Editors Jamie Shepherd, Dominique Daly and Chris Addison TV Editor Helen Daly, Ellie Mclaren and Rebecca Dooley Gaming Editors Sophie Baines and Ben Tyrer Science Editors Penny Polson, Laura Staniforth and Jack Marley Sports Editors Jonty Mawer, Peter Georgiev, Huezin Lim and Josh Nicholson Copy Editors Megan Ayres and Emma Broadhouse

Image: Sophie Norris The Courier is printed by: Print and Digital Associates, Fernleigh House, 10 Uttoxeter Road, Derby, Derbyshire, United Kingdom, DE3 0DA. Established in 1948, The Courier is the fully independent student newspaper of the Students’ Union at Newcastle University. The Courier is published weekly during term time, and is free of charge.

The design, text, photographs and graphics are copyright of The Courier and its individual contributors. No parts of this newspaper may be reproduced without the prior permission of the Editor. Any views expressed in this newspaper’s comment pieces are those of the individual writing, and not of The Courier, the Students’ Union or Newcastle University.

The Courier

news.3

Monday 4 May 2015

Wizards of Ozzy Rd: Jesmond bar shows off of Uni artists’ work

By Sima Nikolajeva In February, popular Jesmond bar Osbornes has launched a monthly artistin-residence scheme with students from both Newcastle and Northumbria Universities. The scheme gives student artists an opportunity to exhibit and sell their paintings. Osbornes bar, owned by Malhotra Group PLC, will be displaying different students’ artworks every month.

“It’s great to be able to give talented students a platform to show off their work,” says Atul Malhotra, director of

ist to present her work in Osbornes in February. She explained that, as a resident artist, she only had to take care of framing and transporting the pictures to the bar as the Osbornes team took care of the rest.

Daisy had on display five prints of a varying size, which received positive feedback. The main purpose of her participation in the project was an aspiration to gain the experience of setting out her artwork somewhere other than a white-wall gallery space. Daisy had just had a successful trial solo exhibition called ‘Utopia’ at Newcastle University and considered that displaying

“It’s unusual for students to have the chance to sell their art, so I’m really excited to have my work exhibited somewhere as busy as Osbornes” the Malhotra Group PLC. Julie Robson, Marketing Coordinator explained that the Osbornes team was looking into purchasing new artwork for the bar after they had gone through a small refurbishment when she came up with the idea of engaging local students to “freshen-up” the bar’s look and, in return, give them the opportunity to demonstrate their art pieces. The initiative has received a positive response amongst Newcastle University students and each month following the scheme’s launch the bar has featured the paintings of Fine Art students.

“Some of the artwork that we’ve seen so far has been absolutely fantastic: it really fits in with Osbornes’s quirky décor and is proving a real talking point with our customers”, claims Atul Malhotra.

Initially, the news was spread through art departments of Newcastle and Northumbria universities, encouraging students to get in touch with the bar and discuss the potential cooperation plans. “I contacted Julie, and the kind of artwork I offered for the exposition seemed to comply well with her expectations, so we proceeded to discussing what was possible with the given space”, Daisy Billowes, fourth year Fine Art student at Newcastle University, tells The Courier. Daisy became the first art-

her work at Osbornes would be a great chance to hang some of those paintings for a different audience to appreciate. “It made me think about my audience, and how I might display my work differently due to the surroundings such as, for example, food, so I found it an enriching experience”, Daisy said.

In her artist statement Daisy specifies that she is interested in creating a visual language that is at the intersection of collage and print, so her oeuvre focuses on the eruption of recognition, when a muted image finally becomes recognisable. “My work is all about the distortion of imagery – I use photo-etching and various other techniques on the copper plate to create these distorted dream-like images, so the prints were based around that line of thought”, she told The Courier.

The bar’s March to April display featured the work of Michaela Hall, another Fine Art student at Newcastle University. “It’s unusual for students to have the chance to sell their art, so I’m really excited to have my work exhibited somewhere as busy as Osbornes and I am really grateful for the opportunity”, she admits. Michaela showcased seven of her paintings, and described them as very imaginative: “I tend to draw from imagination as opposed to still life or

specific scenes because I like the idea of capturing an image that will never reappear.

“I wouldn’t say the set of pictures had a theme but rather all encompassed a certain way of handling in that all works are approached with a playfulness and an emphasis on the imagination and non-existent”.

Thus far, the joint project between the popular bar and art students seems to be widely beneficial for both sides. “I’ve never been given the opportunity to have my work displayed in a commercial venue before, so it was truly inspiring: Osbornes was a great place to work with and I would certainly be open to any further partnerships”, Michaela shares with The Courier.

Julie Robson said: “Our customers agree that it’s a great way to involve local students, and the feedback we’ve received so far has been extremely positive.

“As all paintings are available to purchase, customers frequently make enquiries through our staff.”

Osbornes Bar, which is next to Scalini’s restaurant and the New Northumbria Hotel in Jesmond, features an extensive drinks menu to complement its American-style food menu and the Turkish Seesha Garden diner menu.

May’s exhibition will headline the work of Lucy Chenery , second year Fine Art student from Newcastle University.

Artwork and image: Daisy Billows

Michaela Hall and her artwork

Some of the students’ artwork displayed in Osbornes. Image: Sima Nikolajeva

Artwork and image: Lucy Chenery

4.news

Tuesday 5 May 2015

The Courier

Rise Up dinner celebrates entrepreneurs

“The goal is to revolutionise the museum experience,” Deane stated. “As much as you love visiting museums, Newcastle University Careers Service’s exhibited artefacts there are still static. for budding entrepreneurs, Rise Up, With our device that has a 360 degrees has hosted the annual Rise Up Dinner, surrounding view, we can enable sponsored by Santander Universities at visitors to see historical objects in the Jesmond Dene House last Thursday. settings they originated from, such as The event is one of Rise Up’s most the complete version of the Colosseum anticipated events. It was attended by or a Greek vase on its shelf at someone’s more than 80 members of the Rise Up home at that time”. community, from young entrepreneurial Senior business professionals also ‘freshers’ to well-known and successful stepped up to share their experiences and business people as well as Rise Up’s offer tips to the young entrepreneurs. “I professional partners and staff members. was a broadcasting journalist, but my It was an opportunity to acknowledge passion has always been business,“ said and celebrate all entrepreneurial and Andy Craig, one of the guests. “Hence innovative achievements made over the I took risks, and now I’m here. The past year. It was also a great platform most important characteristics of an for both new and experienced business entrepreneur are to be bold, to believe people to establish in yourself and never or further their “The most important be afraid to fail.” professional networks.

Later in the evening, After the champagne characteristics of an a representative from welcome, guests were entrepreneur are to Santander Universities seated for the event announced the winner to start at 7.30pm. be bold, to believe in of this year’s “One Gareth Trainer, to Watch” award, Rise Up’s Assistant yourself and never chosen from those Director and host for be afraid to fail” students or graduates the night, began by who have taken acknowledging past entrepreneurial part in the Rise Up Pitch. The award achievements and drawing attention to honours an entrepreneur’s outstanding the event’s social media networks on achievements in the past year, and Twitter and LinkedIn. went to Joshy Jin, a Marketing and Trainer then interviewed different Management graduate. He plans to open Rise Up partners as they briefed the a restaurant that provides authentic audience about their projects, concepts Chinese cuisine in Newcastle. “My and business ideas. One of them was greatest challenge was to find a loyal Dominic Deane, a Third Year Classics team, above all a loyal chef, because the student and a Rise Up post-start client. chef is the soul of the restaurant”, Mr. Jin Deane explained how he and his explained. The restaurant will launch in partner have designed the software for February 2016.

3D virtual reality headsets.

By Ruby Nguyen

RISING TO THE TOP: student entrepreneurs celebrate their achievements. Image: Rise Up

Robbo takes up bird-watching

it’s an obvious place that birds can get to and it’s also out of the way so that people wouldn’t be disturbed.”

The Robinson Library has installed nest The idea of putting cameras in the boxes for bird conservation purposes bird boxes is to introduce them as an and two of them have been equipped unconventional method to take a break with video cameras. between studies. Anne said that she felt The live footage from the hi-tech box- that the live feed will not necessarily be es will become available as soon as the a distraction and yet it can be a good birds start nesting in them. However break for when anyone needs it.

Anne Middleton, Head of Customer Suggestions from students have also Services in the Robinson library, who come in about installing nest boxes in also gave the idea for the nest boxes, the new library building on 89 Sandysays that it might not happen until next ford Road as well: “We’ve had a stuyear. dent suggestion to put up some swift “We’re not displaying the camera foot- boxes in our new building on Sandyford age anywhere yet because, Road. Swifts are migraunfortunately, the boxes swallow-like birds “So far we’ve tory, are still empty,” Anne told that come to this country The Courier. “It took quite only had wasps in May and start nesting. a long time to get them up Swifts are also a declining and beetles” species so there’s a lot of so we might be a little bit too late for this year. conservation interest and “We’ve got motion detectors set in the the student said she’s got swifts at home cameras, so I get a regular email alert if and she’s part of a swift conservation anything at all flies in. So far we’ve only group.” had wasps and beetles so that’s not too The cameras might take a bit to work, exciting. We’re still optimistic but I fear but when they do it will provide some that we might be a little bit late for this unconventional entertainment for peoyear.” ple, stuck in the library doing essays.

Anne continued: “One of my hob“It’s certainly an unconventional debies outside work in the library is bird stress method,” Anne said. “Other uniconservation and I have a lot of nest versity libraries have had pet animals boxes myself. I had the idea of incor- in during exam period in the past. The porating that in the library environ- practicalities of it would be a bit diffiment and sharing that with as many cult in the Robinson Library, whereas people as possible. Our options on cam- the bird cams are there if you want to pus in terms of space were limited, so engage with them.”

I thought about the library roof, since

By Antonia Velikova News Editor

The Courier

news.5

Tuesday 5 May 2015

The Courier/SSDP drugs survey 2015: the results Have you ever used cannabis?

27%

No Yes

Frequency breakdown

More than once a week - 10.37% Every week - 6.71% A few times a month - 10.37% Once a month - 13.41%

73%

About once in the last year - 19.72%

Have you ever used cocaine?

Frequency breakdown

No

42%

58% Yes

Have you ever used mephedrone/MCAT?

Longer than a year ago - 12.4% Never - 27%

More than once a week - 1.03% Every week - 0.82% A few times a month - 3.91% Once a month - 9.47% About once in the last year - 16.87% Longer than a year ago - 9.47%

No

No 58% 42% Yes Have you ever used MDMA?

No

45%

55%

Yes

Frequency breakdown More than once a week - 1.02% Every week - 2.04% A few times a month - 7.16% Once a month - 13.7%

More than once a week - 0.41% Every week - 0.21% A few times a month - 2.07% Once a month - 2.9% About once in the last year - 7.26% Longer than a year ago - 14.73% Never - 72%

Never - 42%

Frequency breakdown More than once a week - 0.81% Every week - 3.05% A few times a month - 11.38% Once a month - 19.11%

Never - 45%

Have you ever used study drugs?

Yes

26% 74%

No

No

Yes29%

71%

More than once a week - 0.62% Every week - 0% A few times a month - 1.45% Once a month - 4.14% About once in the last year - 11.59% Longer than a year ago - 11.18% Never - 71%

Have you ever used amphetamines?

About once in the last year - 13.62% Longer than a year ago - 7.11%

Frequency breakdown

No

Yes 23%

78%

More than once a week - 0.76% Every week - 1.33% A few times a month - 2.28% Once a month - 1.14% About once in the last year - 5.88% Longer than a year ago - 5.50% Never - 74%

Neither difficult nor easy - 33%

Easy - 41% Does the legal status of the drugs you use affect your decision to take them or not?

Have you ever used ketamine?

About once in the last year - 18% Longer than a year ago - 15.75%

Very easy 22%

Very difficult - 1% Difficult - 4%

Yes28%

72%

Never - 58%

Have you ever used nitrous oxide?

How easy do you find it to buy illegal drugs in Newcastle?

More than once a week - 1.04% Every week - 0.42% A few times a month - 1.25% Once a month - 4.17% About once in the last year - 6.46% Longer than a year ago - 9.38% Never - 78%

No

Yes

64%

36%

Are you aware of the University’s policy surrounding drug use?

No 40%

60%

Yes

6.news

Tuesday 5 May 2015

The Courier

Lawyers 4 lawyers: report into human rights abuse in Colombia presented in Newcastle

By Maria-Magdalena Manolova

DEFENDING THE DEFENDERS: The delegates in Colombia. Images: Colombia Caravana

Three speakers will lead a discussion about Colombia Caravana, a group of international lawyers supporting human rights defenders in Colombia that are at risk of violence, in the Daysh Building on 11 May. The one-hour event starts at 5.30pm and will focus on the “Caravana” delegates’ findings from their visit to Colombia last year. There will be a video about the political situation in the country and the risks human rights defenders face, a Q&A session and a short talk involving the audience.

The aim of the 68 members of The International Caravan of Jurists that went to Colombia from 23 to 31 August 2014 was to monitor events and keep providing support for lawyers that are victims of threats and physical violence.

The “We Are Defenders” programme shows that of all the 200,000 human rights lawyers in Colombia, one was attacked every day, and one murdered every four days, in 2013. There were 194 victims in the first half of 2014, 40 more than for the same period in 2013.

The delegates from 12 countries visited 8 cities in Colombia only to see that human rights defenders are unable to do their job without being put at risk of surveillance, attacks or even murder.

Patricia Ayodeji, “Caravana” delegate, said: “I travelled with the Caravana to the conflictive city of Buenaventura not really knowing what to expect and

the drastic human rights situation I saw there went way beyond anything I could have imagined. That is why I am determined to spread the word about the brave work of communities and defenders such as those in the Nayero Bridge humanitarian zone and the women’s defenders group: Butterflies with New Wings.”

The Caravana preliminary report says: “This work involves struggling to gain access to justice for the most marginalised sectors who have been victims of massive human rights violations. The continuing dialogues in Havana between the Colombian government and the FARC guerrilla give hope that a future peace agreement could end over 50 years of armed conflict. However, those we spoke with warned that to ensure a real and long-lasting peace there needs to be an effective transitional process which respects international human rights standards.”

One member of the Colombia Caravana is Angela Uribe de Kellett – a main speaker in the discussion from Colombia and a lecturer at Newcastle University.

Sinead Coulson, postgraduate student and an intern at the “Caravana”, is helping with the launch of the Human Rights Lawyers Group events.

The Launch is sponsored by the Law School, Modern Languages Society, The Real Translation Project and the Centre for Latin American and Caribbean Studies.

The Courier

news.7

Tuesday 5 May 2015

Entrepreneurs create Toon Many Savings A common route for many student entrepreneurs is through the University’s Rise Up programme, which offers guidFive Newcastle University students have ance and financial assistance. However, developed a money-saving booklet de- this wasn’t the case for Toon Many Savsigned to keep extra cash in their peers’ ings. Watt said: “We didn’t use the Rise pockets.

Up programme. The start-up money The Marketing and Management stu- invested initially will be all ours.” dents came up with Toon Many Savings Among the businesses that will feature as part of a course module. The booklet in Toon Many Savings are Spot White, will feature local businesses that offer and frozen yoghurt and milkshake bar, discounts for savvy student shoppers.

Iglouu.

Caroline Watt, one of the founders of Toon Many Savings and Iglouu are Toon Many Savings, said: “We would already offering deals to students, with look to do quarterly updates with new a free milkshake upgrade available this deals offered each time, along with con- week. tinuing popular In addition “We have thoroughly to the booklet’s ones from previous editions.” discounts, Toon enjoyed researching Students will Many Savings be able to grab a and setting up this idea plans to offer rebooklet on stalls to students and are excited to see wards around campus for participating. and throughout “We intend to it come together” the city for £5. run competitions “The hope is that every student can to get people to tweet us pictures of benefit from the booklet,” the team said. them enjoying their voucher experiThe company aims to include discounts ences and offering prizes each month and deals that appeal to all kinds of stu- for the best one sent in,” Watt said. dents.

When asked about the future, the Before announcing an official launch team said they are open to expanding date, Toon Many Savings is searching beyond the Toon, depending on its sucfor more businesses to get on board in cess locally. Watt said: “We intend to foaddition to the five that have already cus on Newcastle initially, but if we get joined. popular feedback from the students we Watt, along with course mates Laura would not rule out looking to expand to Morris, Laurence Brown, Callum Clark, other student cities like Leeds.” and Amalie Thompson, started their “We have become great friends becompany six months ago. cause of the experience,” Watt said. “As Since registering the company with a team, we have thoroughly enjoyed the Young Enterprise in October, the group last six months researching and setting has worked every week to develop their up this idea, and are excited to see it idea further. come together.”

By Ashley Williams Online News Editor

TOON MANY SAVINGS: The team. From left Morris, Brown, Watt, Clark, Thompson. Image: Toon Many Savings

Living below the line for UNICEF Inspiring women

to fight inequality

ten overlooked.”

The event is open to everyone except cis-men – men who have been male NUSU’s Inspiring Women Conference since birth. This will be a safe space for will be held at the Students’ Union on those experiencing gendered oppresSaturday 9th May from 9am – 4.30pm. sion to discuss their experiences as well It has been organised by Olivia Jeffery, as to propose solutions. The provision Welfare and Equality Officer. of segregated safe spaces for people who The Inspiring Women Conference is are marginalised by society due to parts the Union’s belated, official celebration of their identity (their gender, race, abilof International Women’s Day, and fol- ity, sexuality etc.) is often misunderlows the Feminist Society’s popular In- stood as exclusivity. In reality, they aim ternational Women’s to allow people to Day celebration in discuss issues directly “By improving March. to them. opportunities and relevant The conference aims Jeffery said, “We to address issues relatbelieve that by skills for women, truly ed to gender inequalimproving opporwe are improving tunities and skills ity through speakers, panellist discussions opportunities for all” for women, we are and workshops, all improving opporturun by inspiring women. The event nities for all. Diversity and equality by aims to tackle a broad array of inter- definition means to meet the needs of linked oppressions, from institutional the individual in order for them to meet misogyny to everyday sexism. their own potential. We hope you agree Jeffery said: “Newcastle University that women’s needs are not always the prides itself in sending global gradu- same as men’s. Please support us in this ates into the workplace after gradua- event and don’t hesitate to get in touch tion. However, there is still a massive with ideas for future campaigns.” gap in gender equality around the world Workshops will cover issues such as in most areas of employment. The stats the intersections of race and gender, are real. This was the inspiration to women in STEM subjects, and how to hold a women’s conference here in the communicate with confidence.

Students’ Union. We are giving back to There will be a free lunch provided by women in the hopes that we can do our the event’s sponsor, Accenture. bit in bridging the gender gap.”

Students wishing to attend will need Lucy Morgan, President of FemSoc, to register on the NUSU website. Addisaid: “It is important to have a confer- tional information about the event can ence dedicated to celebrating women’s be found on the NUSU website, or by achievements and examining problems contacting Jeffery at welfare.union@ncl. they face because these things are so of- ac.uk.

By Rohan Kon

UNDER £1: Images of some of the meals the participants ate. Image: Sumitra Selvaraj

By Valentina Egorova UNICEF on Campus Newcastle overcame the biggest challenge - “Live Below the Line” - where participants lived on £1 a day for five days to raise funds for children and promote awareness of extreme poverty in the world.

“Live Below the Line” is a challenge aimed to inspire and enable more people to be involved in the fight against hunger. This challenge enables participants to understand how it feels to have only about £1 to spend on all food and drink per day – like 1.2 billion people around the world. This is an unusual way to remind ourselves how privileged we are, facing this as a challenge rather than routine suffering.

There are no exact rules for participants regarding what to eat or drink.

The only condition is to spend no more than £1 on food a day. That makes a total of £5 to buy all ingredients for the meals.

UNICEF on Campus was the first society in Newcastle University to get involved with the Live Below the Line challenge, raising about £1650. It was decided to move the dates of a five-day

“I’m so glad the money we raised will be a lot of help” challenge to 13-17 April as the Official Challenge Week of “The Live Below the Line” was too close to the exam week.

Nine students met the challenge with UNICEF on Campus.

Sumitra Selvaraj, the president of UNICEF on Campus society, shared how she managed the five-day challenge.

“It’s funny, how when I was preparing my meal plan, I didn’t think it would be a difficult task to live on all these foods for five days, but by the second day I was already feeling bored of my meals and I would get hungry and tired easily.

“My groceries consisted of the Tesco Everyday Value brand. I bought eggs, bananas, rice, bread, pasta, pasta sauce, curry sauce and frozen cauliflowers from the Everyday Value brand for £5 altogether.”

All money raised will be forwarded to UNICEF, a charity founded by the United Nations though funded by voluntarily contributions. The main aim of UNICEF is to ensure that all children in the world have shelter, food and all necessary vaccinations and protections.

It might be inspiring from a humanitarian perspective, but “The Live Below the Line” could not be considered as a painless challenge, which is easily attainable to anyone. Sumitra confesses: “I’m so glad the money we raised will be of a lot of help, but I do not think I could ever do the challenge again, as it was such a struggle to abstain from buying myself nice food! I will, however, encourage people who think they are up for it to at least try it once in their life. It really is quite an experience.”

Tuesday 5 May 2015

8.nationalstudentnews

NEWSTACK Student murdered Leeds

Job  Title:  Brand  Ambassador  Employer:  Pro  Event  Yorkshire  Closing  Date:  01/05/15 Salary:  £64  per  day  Basic  job  description:  We  are  looking  for  energetic,  bubbly  and  approachable  Brand  Ambassadors  to  support  the  promotion  of  the  Play  Touch  Rugby  League.  Working  in  teams,  you  will  interact  with  IDQV WDNH VHO¿ HV KDQG RXW JLYHDZD\V DQG VSUHDG the  message  of  Play  Touch  Rugby  League  in  a  posi-­ WLYH DQG IXQ PDQQHU :H DUH ORRNLQJ IRU VWDII WR IXO¿ O these  roles  on  Saturday  30th  and  Sunday  31st  May  at  Rugby  Leagues  Magic  Weekend  at  St  James  Park.

3HUVRQ UHTXLUHPHQWV &RQÂż GHQW RXWJRLQJ IULHQGO\ & Â energetic.

Location:  St  James  Park,  Newcastle Job  description:  Online  Tutor  Employer:  MyTutorWeb Closing  date:  31/12/15  Salary:  £10  -­  £14  per  hour  Basic  job  description:  Would  you  enjoy  tutoring  GCSE,  A-­level  or  IB  students  over  the  web,  using  our  state  of  the  art  virtual  classroom?  Become  a  tutor,  earn  £10-­£14  per  hour  and  make  a  difference!  Have  you  achieved  top  grades?  Do  you  believe  you  have  the  enthusiasm,  knowledge  and  skills  to  help  others  do  the  same?  Become  part  of  the  MyTutorWeb  com-­ munity  and  tutor  the  subjects  you  enjoy.  Providing  one  to  one  tuition  is  progressive,  challenging  and  rewarding.

Person  requirements:  If  you  are  an  undergraduate  or  postgraduate  at  one  of  the  Russell  Group  Universi-­ ties  you  can  tutor:  *  GCSEs  if  you  have  an  A  grade  at  A-­level  or  equivalent  in  your  chosen  subjects,  *  A-­levels  if  you  are  also  studying  your  chosen  sub-­ jects  as  a  major  element  in  your  degree  *  IB  if  you  have  gained  a  6  or  7  in  your  IB  and  are  studying  the  subject  as  a  major  element  of  your  degree.

Location:  Newcastle  upon  Tyne Job  description:  Newcastle  Work  Experience  –  Digi-­ tal  Product  Manager  Employer:  Geek  Talent  Closing  date:  10/05/15  Salary:  £2400  bursary Basic  job  description:  The  company  is  a  start-­up  WHFKQRORJ\ ¿ UP ZLWK RI¿ FHV LQ 6XQGHUODQG DQG Gateshead.  It  is  developing  a  software  product  changing  the  way  employers  search  for  staff,  replac-­ ing  high  cost  recruitment  fees.  The  product  is  a  social  network  recruitment  platform  that  uses  state  of  the  art  algorithms  to  identify  connections  people  have  which  show  how  you  are  connected  to  the  staff  you  want  to  recruit.  The  organisation  is  keen  to  recruit  a  talented  Digital  Product  Marketing  Special-­ ist  to  help  design  and  build  the  product  roadmap  for  the  initial  product  and  other  digital  products  in  the  pipeline.  Person  requirements:  You  should  be  able  to  work  with  end  customers,  sales  and  technical  teams  to  help  launch  the  next  big  thing  in  the  digital  indus-­ try.   Any  experience  in  the  following  would  be  an  advantage  but  we  are  looking  for  the  right  person  who  can  grow  into  the  role  also:  Marketing,  Product  Design  degree  or  similar;͞  Agile  Project  Management  or  Product  Management  of  digital  products;͞  Strong  customer  service  and  sales  experience;͞  UX  experi-­ ence  and  Customer  Journey  mapping.

Location:  Sunderland  Job  Title:   Personal  Assistant  Employer:  Disability  North  –  Direct  Payments  Scheme  Closing  Date:  26/05/15 Salary:  £8.50  per  hour   Basic  job  description:  Personal  Assistant  required  to  support  a  disabled  lady  to  access  the  community.  6  hours  per  week.  Vacancy  is  most  suitable  for  a  friendly,  enthusiastic  person  and  somebody  who  doesn’t  mind  doing  repeated  tasks.  The  post  holder  will  assist  the  employer  with  various  activities  such  as  going  shopping  and  occasional  days  out  to  the  coast.

Person  requirements:  Candidates  should  be  patient,  trustworthy  and  passionate  about  helping  others  in  a  respectful  way.

Location:  Newcastle  upon  Tyne  Job  Title:  Seasonal  Supervisors  Employer:  Tynemouth  Park Â

Closing  date:  31/05/15  Salary:  NMW Basic  job  description:  We  currently  have  a  handful  of  seasonal  vacancies  for  ideal  for  students  looking  to  work  hard  and  make  a  bit  of  extra  cash  over  the  holiday  period.  We  have  a  small  amusement  park  in  Tynemouth  which  consists  of  a  Cafe/Restaurant,  18  hole  crazy  golf  course,  boating  lake  and  a  soft  play  area.  We  are  looking  to  recruit  driven  enthu-­ siastic  staff  for  the  upcoming  season  in  all  areas.  Hours:  Part  time  -­  0  hour  contract  with  the  potential  for  students  to  work  up  to  full  time  in  the  summer  dependent  on  the  level  of  business.

Person  requirements:  Motivated,  attentive,  trustwor-­ thy,  passionate  about  providing  excellent  customer  VHUYLFH À H[LEOH ¿ UVW DLG FHUWL¿ FDWH QRW HVVHQWLDO EXW preferred).

Location:  Tynemouth Job  Title:  Newcastle  Work  Experience  –  Operations  Assistant Employer:  Square  One  Utillities Closing  date:  10/05/15  Salary:  £2400  bursary Basic  job  description:  Square  One  is  a  Business  En-­ ergy  Consultancy.  We  provide  a  bespoke  service  in  Energy  Procurement  and  Energy  Management.  The  role  is  based  within  the  Operations  department  and  ZLOO SURYLGH D ¿ UVW FODVV VHUYLFH WR DOO RI RXU FOLHQWV which  includes  energy  procurement,  data  collec-­ tion,  data  analysis,  supplier/client  interaction,  client  portfolio  creation,  bill  checking  and  data  input.

Person  requirements:  The  ideal  candidate  should  be  FRQ¿ GHQW XVLQJ 0LFURVRIW SDFNDJHV LQ SDUWLFXODU ([ cel.  They  must  have  an  eye  for  detail  and  the  ability  to  ensure  that  work  is  undertaken  with  scrupulous  accuracy.  Ability  to  work  both  independently  and  as  part  of  a  team  and  to  stay  calm  under  pressure  in  a  EXV\ RI¿ FH HQYLURQPHQW ([FHOOHQW RUJDQLVDWLRQDO skills  with  the  ability  to  prioritise.  Good  written  and  oral  communication  skills.

Location:  Boldon,  South  Tyneside Job  Title:  Student  Brand  Ambassadors Employer:  Grads.co.uk Closing  Date:  01/12/15 Salary:  £10-­£12  per  hour   Basic  job  description:  Gain  valuable  work  experi-­ ence  working  for  major  Employers!  Grads  are  a  specialist  student  recruitment  marketing  agency  focused  on  ensuring  student  and  graduate  recruit-­ ers  have  their  Employer  Brand  noticed  by  students  across  the  country.  We  are  looking  for  diligent,  self-­motivated  go-­getters  with  the  ambition  and  foresight  to  enhance  their  employability  to  graduate  recruiters.  Donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t  miss  out  on  what  is  a  very  unique  opportunity!   Person  requirements:  Candidates  must  be  a  Univer-­ VLW\ 6WXGHQW <RX FRXOG EH D IUHVKHU RU LQ \RXU Âż QDO year),  well-­connected  individual  with  access  to  a  large  student  network,  strong  communication  skills,  SDVVLRQ IRU EUDQGV RXWJRLQJ FRQÂż GHQW HQWUHSUH neurial  and  professional.

Location:  On  Campus  Job  Title:  Software  Developer  Employer:  Gavurin  Ltd Closing  Date:  10/05/15 Salary:  £2400  bursary Basic  job  description:  Gavurin  develops  geo-­ graphic  data  intelligence  software  whereby  we  have  recruited  extensively  from  Newcastle  University.  We  are  moving  towards  developing  interfaces  which  will  permit  users  to  input  their  own  data.  This  may  be  LQGLYLGXDOO\ YHU\ VPDOO GDWD IRU H[DPSOH WKH LQSXW from  a  questionnaire)  to  full  databases.  The  latter  is  traditionally  not  well  handled,  in  particular  for  geographic  data.  The  process  is  often  complex  and  off  putting  for  the  non-­technical.  Consistent  with  our  company  objectives,  we  want  to  do  this  differently  and  enable  the  non-­technical  user  to  input  complex  data.

Person  requirements:  Computing  Science  under-­ graduate  or  postgraduate.  If  the  former,  second  or  third  year  students  preferred.  Applicants  must  be  Ă&#x20AC; XHQW LQ (QJOLVK DQG LQWHUHVWHG LQ TXDQWLWDWLYH GDWD Excellent  oral  and  written  communications  skills  are  vital.

Location:  Newcastle  upon  Tyne Â

Want  to  write  for  us?

Come  to  The  Courierâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  writersâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;  meetings News,  comment  and  sport Mondays  12pm  Warkworth  Room  NUSU  Central

Culture Wednesdays  3pm  Planning  Room Union  Building

A person attacked in Leeds over the weekend has been confirmed to be a Leeds University student.

At 3.20am on April 25, the former Social Sciences foundation degree student was found at Swinegate after a night out. Detective inspector Mick Jackson from British Transport Police said: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Billy Jacob Mankelow, who was 20 years old and resided in the Hyde Park area of Leeds, suffered serious head injuries during an assault and passed away on Sunday, April 26.â&#x20AC;? A 31-year-old man has been arrested on suspicion of murder. Popular student Billy lived with his family in Kent out of term-time. He also worked at restaurant The Joint during his time in Leeds. His family said in a statement: â&#x20AC;&#x153;We are devastated by the tragic loss of our loving son Billy, and we are now asking for privacy at this heartbreaking time to allow our family to grieve.â&#x20AC;?

The Courier

Sabbs  revisited Mark  Sleightholm  chats  to  Eve  %HUZLQ (GXFDWLRQ 2I¿ FHU IRU 2013/14,  while  Antonia  Velikova  catches  up  with  former  Editor  of  the  Courier,  George  Sandeman

Eve  Berwin

Animal testing protest Cambridge

Demonstrators from across the country took to the streets of Cambridge to protest the Universityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s use of animal testing last week. The rally was part of the World Week of Action for Animals in Laboratories, with similar events taking place across the UK. One of the protestors, who had travelled all the way from Leicester said, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Cambridge University is one of the major places where [animal testing] happensâ&#x20AC;? with the University testing on 170,000 animals in 2013 alone. Another protestor, a student at Corpus Christi College and member of the Cambridge University Vegan Society, also said, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Cambridge, as a forward-thinking university, really needs to rethink what theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re putting funding into....â&#x20AC;? This is not the first time this year that Cambridge has come under scrutiny because of animal testing. In February, plans for a new AstraZeneca animal-testing lab in Cambridge were approved, despite major opposition.

New double Masters Warwick

The University of Warwick announced a new degree programme in association with the University of Waterloo in Canada. As a double masters degree in global politics, it will combine Waterlooâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Master of Arts in Global Governance course with a selection of one of Warwickâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s ten masters programmes.

These will be offered by the Department of Politics and International Studies. Students who take the course will spend one year at the Balsillie School of International Affairs, at the University of Waterloo, and one year in Warwick. Warwickâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s ViceChancellor, Professor (Sir) Nigel Thrift, said of the degreeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s launch: â&#x20AC;&#x153;This double masters degree programme [...] is another wonderful opportunity for students both at Warwick and Waterloo to add a further global perspective to their studies and research.â&#x20AC;?

Hefty library fines Bath

Last year, the University of Bath brought in ÂŁ38,115 in library fines on overdue and unreturned books.

In relation to the number of enrolled students and academic staff in 2013/2014, it comes to roughly ÂŁ2.23 per head. Meanwhile, parking fines made ÂŁ30,000 in revenue for the University. However, this is only 50% of the total money taken through parking fines. The rest was contracted by the parking enforcement company recruited by the University, taking the figure up to ÂŁ60,000. Paul Goodstadt, the Studentsâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Union Education Officer noted that, â&#x20AC;&#x153;Whilst the figures might seem high, we must also remember we are a student body of over 16,000 students, many of whom take advantage of the library.â&#x20AC;? On the library fines, a University spokesperson said: â&#x20AC;&#x153;The reason for library fines is simply to encourage people to return their books on time, to ensure theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re available for others to use.â&#x20AC;?

Kotryna Kairyte

What have you been up to since you left?

I moved to Berlin pretty much straight after I finished working at the Union and starting teaching English to children here.

Howâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Germany? And how does it compare to Newcastle?

Berlin is amazing, but pretty different from Newcastle! Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s obviously much bigger and the people here tend to be pretty diverse, which is great.

What was the best thing about being a sabb?

The best thing about being a sabb was how sociable the job was, but also how much actual experience you got from it. I donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t think I realised until I started writing job applications just how much experience I actually got from the job.

Do you have any advice for next yearâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Education officer?

I would just say to next yearâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s education officer to make the most of every single day, even when it seems hard! The year will fly by and you want to do as much as possible before it ends.

What are your plans for the future?

Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m still hoping to work within a University, maybe doing something with recruitment and admissions. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m moving back to England at the end of summer, so weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll see what happens then!

George  Sandeman

What have you been up to since you left Newcastle?

I was offered a Scott Trust bursary to study an MA in newspaper journalism at City University. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m in the process of doing that and doing work experience at The Guardian. Rent in London is ridiculously expensive, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m still living in my overdraft and I miss Sinners terribly.

What was the best thing about being a sabb?

The people. I absolutely loved working with all the students volunteering with The Courier, NSR and TCTV as well as everyone in the SU. And what about the worst?

So many emails, endless amounts. I miss seeing 100 unread every Monday morning very, very little.

Have you got any advice for Vic, next yearâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Editor?

Take your caffeine habit up a level, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re going to need to.

Do you still take a peek at whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s going on over at The Courier sometimes?

More regularly that Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d like to admit to, I kind of need to let it go.

If you could describe your Sabb experience in three words, what would they be?

Busy, interesting, fun.

If you could choose one song to describe your Sabb year, what would it be? â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Homeâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros.

I would play this song as I sent the paper off to print each week at 10pm on a Saturday night, particularly after having done an all night lay-up.

The Courier

.9

Tuesday 5 May 2015

Comment Â

thecourieronline.co.uk/comment

         Comment  Editors:   Victoria  Armstrong  &  Matt  Corden  Online  Comment  Editor:  Ruth   Davis courier.comment@ncl.ac.uk  |  @Courier_Comment Â

Ending zero tolerance The  head  of  Students  for  Sensible  Drug  Policy  (SSDP)  on  why  the  Uniâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s  â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;zero  toleranceâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;  GUXJV SROLF\ LV IRXQGHG RQ IDXOW\ UHDVRQLQJ DQG LV Ă&#x20AC; DZHG DV D PHDVXUH RI GHWHUUHQFH

Z

Zoe  Carre

ero tolerance towards illegal drug use is an appealing policy, because it offers a simple solution to a simple issue. The reasoning is that illegal drug use is harmful, so should not be tolerated. The assumptions within this line of reasoning are that illegal drug use is harmful, zero tolerance is a deterrent to such use, therefore zero tolerance protects students who would otherwise be intimidated by such use to comply with the law, and so the University must take a zero tolerance approach to illegal drug use.

However, despite its appeal, zero tolerance has proven to be an inappropriate solution to a complex issue. Let us assess the first assumption within zero tolerance, which is that the harmfulness of a given substance will vary according to its potency, toxicity, the presence of adulterants, and its use with other substances. The harmfulness of substance use on the user will vary according to the userâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s mind-set, setting, tolerance, frequency of use, and the level of harm reduction education they have received on such use. Consequently, drug use is a complex issue, which cannot be effectively addressed by boxing use into the categories â&#x20AC;&#x153;harmfulâ&#x20AC;? or â&#x20AC;&#x153;not harmfulâ&#x20AC;?, â&#x20AC;&#x153;illegalâ&#x20AC;? or â&#x20AC;&#x153;legalâ&#x20AC;?.

Likewise, the assumption that zero tolerance is a deterrent to illegal drug use is fallible. If students do not know about the zero tolerance policy and its implications, then it cannot deter them from using illegal drugs. According to The Courier/ Courier SSDP Drugs Survey 2015, 39% of students were not aware of the Universityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s policy surrounding drug use (208/530 students), whereas 60% of students responded that current drug laws did not deter them from the use of illegal drugs (318/530).

Based on my experience collecting petition signatures for our Challenge Zero Tolerance campaign, many students are not aware of the zero tolerance policy, or its implications; this is not negligible.

Moreover, students struggling with drug misuse are much less likely to be deterred by zero tolerance policies.

The third assumption within zero tolerance is also important to address - as outlined in New-

castle Universityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Student Charter, the University endeavours â&#x20AC;&#x153;to provide a safe and secure environment free from fear, intimidation or harassmentâ&#x20AC;?.

Zero tolerance succeeds in protecting students from intimidating behaviour by evicting students who are caught with illegal drugs from halls of residence. However, students engaging in intimidating or harassing behaviour with legal substances (e.g. alcohol) would be tolerated, whereas non-problematic students using illegal drugs would not. Instead of engaging students in a discussion about the intimidating impact of their substance use on other students, eviction is a quick-fix answer to the issue.

Finally, the assumption that zero toler-

ance is the only way of demonstrating compliance with the law, and its alternatives do not condone illegal drug use is problematic. Oxford Brookes, University of Edinburgh, University of Brighton, University of Surrey, and Aberystwyth University all implement a two (or more) strike system for students caught possessing illegal drugs. Loughborough University, University of Dundee, Manchester Metropolitan University, and University of Salford all distinguish between major and minor incidents, whereby only major incidents (i.e. supply, repeat offence, aggravating factors) are grounds for eviction from halls of residence. University of Oxfordâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Christ Church and Mansfield College issue a written warning for the possession of Class C drugs, whilst the use of Class A or B drugs results in disciplinary action, but not evic-

tion from accommodation.

The above policies are feasible and less punitive means of demonstrating compliance with the law, where there is a more appropriate balance between the Universityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s legal obligations, and its duty of care towards students for their wellbeing. The University should not be boasting about its archaic zero tolerance policy, when it could be at the forefront of alternative, more sensible policies.

Even minor improvements within the current zero tolerance policy would be welcomed. For instance, Students for Sensible Drug Policy Newcastle is proposing a two-tier warning system, to give students sufficient notice of the policy and to introduce an intervention step between drug-related misconduct and eviction from halls of residence.

However, reforming the Universityâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s current drug policy under the ambit of zero tolerance is problematic. This is because it implies that students choosing not to abstain from illegal drug use will not be tolerated, despite the complexity of reasons to engage in such behaviour. It therefore serves to further marginalise students who are most in need of support. Most importantly, unbiased information about drugs and their harm, as well as methods of reducing such harm, cannot be effectively disseminated under the ambit of zero tolerance. The paradox of zero tolerance is that it encourages the use of harmful substances.

Where a student might prefer to use an illegal substance for its low risk and pleasant effects, under zero tolerance policy they might instead choose to use a high-risk substance with less pleasant effects, simply because it would not result in punitive action. For instance, the use of synthetic cannabinoids, rather than cannabis, would be far more harmful, yet it would not incur punitive action.

As students agree to abide by the current zero tolerance policy when they accept their position at Newcastle University, it is paramount to give students a voice to challenge zero tolerance, if it proves unsatisfactory. I hope I have challenged the assumption that zero tolerance is the way forward.

Apathy is complicity. Go out and vote I

Grace  Brown

n the 2010 general election only 65% of the population voted, for young people this figure was even lower, with just 44% of people aged 18-24 turning out to vote. Since then, tuition fees have trebled, youth unemployment is at its worst in twenty years (with a 50% rise in long term unemployment for black, Asian and ethnic minority youths), and in 2014 alone nearly a million people had to access three-day emergency food from food banks; thatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a rise of over 160%.

As well as a dramatic decline in social conditions, as the election draws nearer the possibility of another coalition government doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t seem too unlikely. One party who could become part of such a coalition is the DUP: the Northern Irish Democratic Unionist Party who think homosexuality is

â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;vilerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; than child abuse and have proposed jail sentences for women who have abortions.

Although the situation post-May 7th seems like it could be bleak, many young people are still apathetic towards voting due to a disillusionment with Westminster politics that is easy to understand.

By and large, politicians donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t represent us. In the current House of Commons, women make up just 22%, ethnic minorities only 4%, the average age is 50, and over a third of MPs have gone to feepaying schools. When you compare this with the makeup of the country as a whole, itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s clear to see why, for many, the election seems fruitless. Why vote for someone who doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t understand your life and your needs, and seemingly has no interest in representing them?

The answer is simple - refusing to vote allows you to be ignored, and allows the people in power to continue to represent interests other than your

own. 70% of young people have registered to vote and if the majority of these actually do theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll constitute a percentage of the population that can no longer be ignored. Just as larger amounts of older people voting means that pensioners have many of their benefits insured (the Winter Fuel Allowance, for example, is not means tested), if more young people voted their voice could become a forceful one that those in the Commons would have to listen to.

The 30% who arenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t registered, or those that will still choose not to vote can be forgotten about by the people supposedly representing them. Refusing to vote isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t an effective way of voicing discontent with the system, it simply means you become another statistic with no political clout. Even Russell Brand has backtracked on his anti-voting rhetoric after meeting with Ed Miliband and has endorsed the Green Partyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Caroline Lucas.

Admittedly, the first past the post system leaves a lot to be desired in terms of smaller parties getting the representation they deserve, and if your hometown is a Conservative or Labour safe seat it may feel like voting for another party is a waste of time.

But every vote does matter; even if the candidate you select doesnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t win, showing support for alternative parties affects the political spectrum in powerful ways. Just as Farage has swayed the discourse to focus largely on immigration issues, UKIP themselves have been moved to the left - theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve dropped their flat tax rate - in an effort to attract the boom in Labour supporters. The upcoming election is the first for many of us, and itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s also the first time that the two-party system that exists in the UK could be shaken up.

So donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be forgotten about, donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t let allow your voice to be ignored: vote.

10.comment

SOAP BOX COMPLAINING There’s going to be a bit of hypocrisy here, be warned. I’m complaining about people complaining. No, seriously. Bear with me. In every popular magazine, tabloid, newspaper, journalistic website etc. there will be a column or two, if not a section, devoted to complaining.

Whether it’s complaining to agony aunts about a lazy boyfriend, or an ad hoc article like this that chooses a random topic that has annoyed the author that week and prattles about it. It’s easy conversation too – how many times have you caught yourself awkwardly stuck with a study group ‘mate’ between the end of your meeting and your lecture, and fallen to making conversation by complaining about something on your course, your seminar tutor, or that person you really can’t stand who sits next to you. Walking into town when you’re not feeling particularly conversational, what do you do? Winge about the weather. When you can’t think of anything that’s particularly annoyed you this week to write an article about, what do you do? Complain. C’mon chaps, let’s be a little more positive. (I’ll endeavour to next week, promise.)

Antonia Cundy

ATTENDANCE COMPLAINTS I find collective non-attendance at lectures vaguely mystical. Did all those people really decide independently not to attend, or is there some dark force at work? Either way, campus seems eerily empty at the moment, in lectures, seminars and even, ahem, Courier meetings (a subject close to my heart). But what really annoys me is lecturers getting shitty with the people who turn up and ranting about how important attendance is. Followed by “but I suppose I’m preaching to the converted”, as if we only turn up because they’ve moaned at us. As woeful as the election campaigns have been, no parties have started making sarky comments to their supporters about how nobody bothers to vote. And quite frankly, lecturers, it’s none of your business if we attend or not. I’m sure it is disappointing when only half the class turns up, but it was (probably) no reflection on you – students are busy people. No-one wants to be collectively insulted at the start of every lecture, so keep your anger to yourself and concentrate on the people who are there, rather than those who aren’t.

Mark Sleighthom

RACE IDENTITY Passive-aggressive rant to follow. Newsflash: I’m fully aware that I’m not British. I’ve been painfully aware of it the moment I made my completely informed decision to enroll in a course in a British university. Believe me, I don’t need your constant reminder. I don’t need to be told again and again how I’m doing “so well, considering your first language is not English.” Why can’t you just say “you’re doing really well” without subtly letting me know that you can’t get over the fact that I’m different? I don’t need to remember that I have a higher bar to jump over. Maybe after I’ve been here a few years, I won’t notice it as much, but honestly, it’s exhausting to constantly prove that I’m more than my heritage, and I’m sure I’m not the only non-British student that shares the sentiment. Mingling is always hard but it’s ten times harder when your own identity puts an invisible barrier between you and others. Even more so when the person on the other side is making no effort to tear said barrier down.

Antonia Velikova

Tuesday 5 May 2015

The Courier

A new princess may fire up republicans, but royals aren’t the real enemy of democracy

T

Matt Corden

he latest edition of the Windsor family is among us and in all honesty, I’m quite excited. I still dislike the whole premise of the monarchy as head of the state, head of the armed forces and head of the Anglican Church (isn’t the concept of Christianity especially designed for English people extraordinary?).

I still feel the same as I used to about the absurdity of hereditary succession, as Thomas Paine wondered why on earth an accident of birth should derive such glory. It was until only very recently that the male child took priority. It almost beggars belief that regulations against marrying Roman Catholics were only repealed this year after over three-hundred years. The legacy of religious sectarianism behind it is all too fresh in the minds of the people of Northern Ireland. These reforms might be an extremely belated step in the right direction, but our future King Charles III has expressed his regret at both these measures.

The question of being subjects and not citizens might be a bit petty and overblown by republicans, but the fact that we’re demanded to pay money to-

wards this institution so they can “defend the faith” of Anglicanism whether we like it or not strikes me as a bit too cultish. Tony Benn quite rightly expressed outrage at being forced to swear allegiance to the Queen before he could represent his constituents in the House of Commons, irrelevant of whether he felt any kind of allegiance or not.

Abolishing the monarchy is no longer on my todo list however, as a political project it’s a failure and quite frankly a waste of good time. The virtues of republicanism were certainly evident at the time of the American Revolution, where the monarch both reigned and ruled. This is now of course a non-issue. The way the royal family are held up as god-like figures by some, even when some of those members are quite clearly dysfunctional, can easily be replicated in a democratic republic. In the United States for instance, the Kennedy family or the Clinton family are treated like royalty with very little justification as far as I can see. In the Republic of India, the descendants of Jawaharlal Nehru have ruled the Country for the vast majority of its sixty-eight year existence. Even after his autocratic daughter Indira ran a two year long “emergency” dictatorship, taking the opportunity to arrest hundreds of her political opponents, both her children

went on to become Prime Minister.

The list of democratic republics that suffer from this problem are huge: the Bhutto family in Pakistan; the Peron and Kirchner families in Argentina; the Abe family in Japan; it carries on. The difference is that these families wield genuine political power. It’s a refreshing thought to know that this often junk sentimentality goes to an institution that in practice is nigh-on powerless.

Some of the most effective radicals have been conservative in background in that national symbols are not callously destroyed in the process: Attlee and Bevan’s post-war social reforms were not held back by the remnants of what is admittedly a shady feudal tradition, neither have 20th century reforms regarding capital punishment, abortion, equal pay or gay rights. The Scandinavian social democracies – rightly envied by the rest of the world – are still constitutional monarchies.

I still feel a strong sense of sympathy with the republican tradition, particularly since it’s increasingly becoming a celebrity culture that you physically cannot escape, but I can’t help think they’re picking an unimportant fight.

as ‘Dancing On My Own’, this tendency toward shorthand in political pop too often means spouting second-hand aphorisms and truisms, or worse, asking rhetorical questions in an attempt to convey philosophical depth. (YES I AM LOOKING AT YOU ANNIE LENNOX.) Obviously you could get round that by writing some noodly free-form mess setting out your manifesto over 20 overwrought minutes, but you’d then come up against the fact that absolutely nobody would be arsed putting themselves through that ordeal.

A further problem is that political pop stars fall into one or more of three categories: firstly, the worthy, heart-on-sleeve types with lifestyles which even the doziest of ITV2 satirists could lampoon.

I’m thinking of Bono here, in case you were wondering. Then there’s the brief flirtations with nationalism: Bowie in his absolutely crackers coke ‘n’ peppers phase, Eric Clapton, and Morrissey are the flag-bearers here, though the unexpected reemergence of Mike Read as a prize (if not surprise) cock-end has revived this subgenre somewhat.

And then there’s Frank Turner and his folky ilk, whose output is a) a big bag of wank and b) a retrograde, inherently conservative faux-pastoral kind of acoustic strummery which implies an affinity with a way of thinking which maintains that everything was better in that magical time before drum machines ruined everything and when musicians were, like, totally authentic maaaan. I’m not saying that if you like Mumford & Sons then you’re a closet Tory (though obviously it’s a damning indictment of the state of your record collection), but you might want to watch yourself.

However, moaning that nobody is being explicitly political in an acoustic-guitar-round-a-campfire-ooh-what-a-cutting-political-slogan-you’vewritten-there-comrade-Jeb kind of way is missing the point. Everything is a political act. Choosing to be apolitical is a political act.

Look at the PC Music stable, for example. If you’ve not listened to any of their music, then a quick spin of some of their leading lights will tell you everything you need to know about how millennials as a lump feel currently about politics: it’s flippant, obsessed with artifice, and deliberately irritating.

It often sounds like a joke, the butt of which is not entirely clear. I’m glad that it’s happening, because anything new and confusing is A Good Thing in pop terms, but the noncommittal, deliberately obfuscating aesthetics are symptomatic of a malaise which is pushing more young people to decide to disengage with the mainstream parties. Being a Labour or Conservative party member is utterly tragic. Joining the Greens, on the other hand, is pretty cool.

Just as PC Music are collectively making some very grating noises which nobody wants to actually sit down and listen to, but which people will say they listen to and will have an opinion on, people joining the Greens, Ukip, or the many anti-austerity fringe groups around the country are doing so because they have to be annoying and niche and relentless just to get noticed by the establishment.

At the end of all of this, is it a tragedy that activist pop isn’t en vogue? No, it’s a triumph of good taste.

But politics is always there in pop, even if it’s only in evidence via apparent disengagement.

The times they are a-changing: political pop and the new apathy “Moaning that nobody is being explicitly political in an acoustic-guitar-round-acampfire-ooh-what-a-cutting-political-slogan-you’vewritten-there-comrade-Jeb kind of way is missing the point. Everything is a political act. Choosing to be apolitical is a political act.”

A

Tom Nicholson

s a recent Vice article pointed out (yeah, yeah, I know) there is some extraordinary, visionary, politically-charged music coming out of America right now - look at Kendrick Lamar, for instance, interrogating what it means to be young and black in America right now with lyrically dazzling, philosophically complex hip hop. But where is the British equivalent?

Clearly it doesn’t help that there’s no Thatchertype hate figure to kick against, just a blancmangey flubber-like substance in a suit which holds a big red box aloft every so often. I think the biggest thing holding musicians back from leaping into politics drumsticks-first is the fact that discourse moves so quickly now - the Twittersphere can go into meltdown over six or seven different controversies in a day, particularly when things get hot around election time when everyone is shrieking their ideas and ideologies into the great void in an attempt to persuade everyone else of their merits.

Who’d bother getting involved in something as volatile and fluid as politics when, by the time they’ve written the song, got Timbaland back from Ibiza, recorded it, mastered it, shot the video and started lining up an appearance on Strictly, nobody cares about whatever it was you wrote the song about in the first place.

Secondly, the concision of a pop single means that you’ve got to cut corners lyrically. Pop relies on shorthand and sloganeering, and while that works when you’re writing something as glorious

The Courier

comment.11

Tuesday 5 May 2015

Why so dead set on execution?

The executions in Indonesia reignite a need to challenge the death penalty

Image: Patrick Feller @ Flickr

Partisan papers are pulling our political process to pieces

F

O

Scott Houghton

n Wednesday 29th of April seven foreign nationals and one Indonesian native were executed by the Indonesian authorities.

It sparked a national outcry in Australia where two of those killed were Australians, whereby it and many other nations who’s nationals were on death-row decided to recall diplomats. The executions have angered many regarding the fact that one of those killed, a Brazilian man, Rodrigo Gularte, didn’t know he was being executed until the last minute - according to his priest who said that “Gularte was hearing voices” as he suffered from schizophrenia, the BBC reported.

The issue has raised many ethical discussions on the morality behind executions. Should people pay the ultimate price for committing a crime like drug smuggling? The incident raised many sensitive issues particularly in the United States which has suffered much criticism for botched executions in the last few years, along with China who commits the most executions in the world of it’s own citizens. Executions were made illegal in the UK in 1965.

Many people do argue that their is no deterrent for criminals since the death penalty has been abolished. In 2007, a woman whose husband had been murdered campaigned to bring back the death penalty, which is understandable - it is only natural to want vengeance on someone who has wronged you or destroyed your life so terribly, yet we don’t, as Ghandi said ‘an eye for an eye makes

“The fact that the governments will physically destroy someone’s life just to tow the party line is the ultimate wrongness” the whole world blind,’ if we killed to punish someone else we would only be doing exactly the same as the murderer, we’d still be murdering someone’s son, someone’s brother, someone’s mother etc, even if they had just killed ours.

But the executions in Indonesia weren’t a matter of grief or vengeance for the death of a loved

one, they weren’t even for damaging someone’s property or fraud, but a matter of state vengeance.

The Indonesian government wanted to make a show of them, and to other foreigners, that those who try and drug smuggle will receive the death penalty - of which many foreigners do attempt to drug smuggle, at this moment a British woman is on death row in Indonesia for drug offences. Sadly, it makes little genuine difference to the public if they were killed or not, it made no difference to us whether they were executed or remained on the Island of Nusa Kambangan in prison. The fact that the governments will physically destroy someones life just to tow the party line, just to prove an ideological point, even when they are mentally ill, is the ultimate wrongness. It is killing someone in cold blood, for something which they were either mentally ill or pushed into it from poverty in many countries which do execute people.

It’s a sad fact that countries still do kill people in 2015, even if they are very few, what must be acknowledged by the public of these countries is that it solves nothing, in fact it is proven executions make crime go up - there is an alternative to pointless, cold-blooded, slaughter: rehabilitation.

Dirty money from dirty energy The chance to strike a symbolic blow for climate change by forcing the Uni to divest from fossil fuels is too great to pass up -­ time is running out for the planet, and fast

F

Mark Sleightholm

irst of all, an apology. To those of you fed up with the continual stories about climate change, filled with clichés about how we’re destroying our planet and time is running out to save it. Actually, I don’t apologise, because it’s a fucking important issue. The environment is literally the basis of our entire existence, and students looking for a worthy cause would struggle to find one more fundamental, more vital, than this.

Student campaigns have achieved many great things over the decades, and People and Planet’s Fossil Free campaign is trying to repeat this success. They want universities to divest from the fossil fuel industry; to stop funding the destruction of our planet.

Newcastle University has a wealth of initiatives to shrink our carbon footprint, from bike racks to multi-coloured rows of recycling bins. Even the Robbo prints things double-sided by default.

All these things are great, but they can only ever be small drops in the (heavily polluted) ocean. To get real change we need to tackle the worst offenders head-on; to go direct to the companies that extract fossil fuels. All the moral arguments in the world, sadly, won’t have nearly as much affect as cold, hard economics.

The University of Glasgow has already announced complete divestment from the industry, as have several institutions in the US. The University has agreed to meet Fossil Free Newcastle to discuss divestment, and so there is hope that more will come of the campaign than a campus covered in stickers.

“Yes the University’s income might take a temporary hit. Yes, it could make an actual, tangible difference in the fight to save our planet”

Yes, the fossil fuel industry won’t like it. Yes, hardworking people in those industries may lose their jobs. Yes, the University’s income might take a temporary hit. Yes, it could make an actual, tangible difference in the fight to save our planet.

A tiny percentage of the University’s income comes from investments, and yet its financial support for fossil fuels has such damaging consequences. And association with a dying industry just doesn’t make sense. It is, in every sense of the

word, unsustainable.

Scientists, world leaders, even the Pope have called for serious action on climate change. Later this year the UN will meet in Paris to try and agree to phase out fossil fuels. What better way for Newcastle University to demonstrate its commitment to the future, to progress, to innovation, than by cutting its ties to a destructive and archaic industry? Just as investing in fossil fuels can hurt the University’s reputation, divestment could give it a boost. All of the University’s green initiatives, research and policies are currently undermined by its investment portfolio. What is the point in Newcastle University’s Institute for Sustainability, in all the work Newcastle academics have done to develop green technology, if the University is still investing money in the fossil fuel industry?

While this may seem like an issue for the University leaders (and it is their decision to make), climate change affects us all. Student campaigns have achieved great things in the past, but we can’t rest on our laurels. Likewise, Newcastle University is right to be proud of awarding Martin Luther King an honorary degree in 1967, but why stop there?

Here is an opportunity for Newcastle University to lead the fight against environmental damage, to give future generations of Newcastle students something to be proud of. It can be done. It should be done.

Jake Harrison

irst off I’d like to clarify that when I say ‘newspapers’, I’m not including titles such as the Sun or the Daily Mail. The definition of a newspaper states that it must contain news, rather than the wild scaremongering and speculation presented as news by so many tabloid publications.

The Times and the Telegraph have always been slightly right-wing. Equally, the Guardian and the Independent have a reputation for appealing to those on the left of the political spectrum. I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with newspapers being slightly partisan. It’s a pretty inherent part of human nature that people read opinions that they agree with, and tend to shy away from opinions that they don’t agree with and so having newspapers that cater for this is completely understandable.

That being said, journalists are supposed to disseminate information that it would be in the interest of the public for everyone to know. I don’t think it’s naïve to suggest that the main role of journalist should be in the benefits of public interest, allowing the public access to all the information that it is important for them to know. In some countries access to information is strictly controlled by the Government. We consider ourselves a free and democratic country, and it is true that Governments in this country are generally quite liberal about allowing information into the public domain.

Unfortunately, instead of Governments suppressing information we now seem to have a situation where other powerful figures attempt to manipulate what information gets out there.

“Why would people care about the elections if newspapers don’t?”

Take, for example, the Telegraph’s reporting or lack thereof of the HSBC Swiss banking scandal.

Peter Oborne, the Telegraph’s chief political commentator resigned, so angered was he that there had been no mention of it. Every other major newspaper reported it, so choosing not to didn’t fulfil any functional purpose, it simply showed that the proprietors of the Telegraph are not acting in the public interest, a view that has been backed up by evidence suggesting that advertising strategy affects which articles are reported.

The decision of the Times to publish Michael Fallon’s ridiculous attack on Ed Miliband is questionable too. Claiming that by winning a legitimate election campaign against his brother he had therefore stabbed him in the back, and that by extension he would therefore stab the country in the back by scrapping trident is obviously ridiculous and clearly not in the public interest. It is however in Rupert Murdoch’s interest for Ed Miliband not to get into power, so for him it’s well worth the Times lowering itself to the same level as the Daily Mail.

The Guardian and the Independent however seem to have gone completely the opposite way, and appear to be trying to avoid any form of controversy by being as neutral as is humanly possible. This wouldn’t be a problem except that their method of being neutral is simply to avoid mentioning politics wherever possible. This is almost as unhelpful; I can’t help feeling that it’s going to do little to quell voter antipathy. Why would people care about the elections if newspapers don’t?

We are blessed with a free press in this country, newspapers which are in general on the ball about reporting stories that are in the public interest. We saw that with the revelations about GCHQ and PRISM for example, and I’ve not even mentioned publications like Private Eye which is never afraid to expose malpractice. However, the downside of having such good journalism is that we get used to high standards, and it makes us all the more aware when newspapers go off the boil, and I’d say the current election coverage is a prime example of many newspapers not doing themselves proud.

12.lifestyle

Tuesday 5 May 2015

The Courier

Lifestyle Editors: Jack Dempsey, Annie Lord, Holly Suttle & Tom Tibble

Food porn F

Josh Nicholson

ood porn, that most mysterious of categories, that only the most dedicated of searchers will find on certain illicit websites. Being a lover of food is one thing, but I think I’ve got a problem.

I see a juicy burrito and I can’t help but think about the luscious sauce that is dripping from that oh so starchy wrap. No trip to Zapatista is complete without a pulled pork boner and garlic and chilli sauce dripping from my heavily salivating mouth.

The hashtag on Instagram just can’t fulfil my appetite anymore, the only real feeling of love I’ve ever felt is on a full belly, washed down with a few golden pints of Newcastle’s finest ales.

“Maybe I just need to admit that I’m in denial and that I will never find true love so food may become my only option”

In all seriousness though, I have no genuine clue what food has to do with porn, nor why the two may have somehow become connected. How did we get from ‘made a lovely meal tonight for me and bae’, to, ‘dis burga woz fit, so much food porn in ma mourf ’. Is it possible that the male population just isn’t performing or isn’t enough anymore?

Could it be a connection to penis size? I mean, think about it.

Whoever came up with the original idea but have been really bored or really sexually frustrated, both of which I’m sure we’ve felt at some point.

However, for someone to look at a piece of food and compare it to a sexualised video, something is very wrong. People watch some weird shit these days, but food? COME ON NOW. I love a ‘Spoons as much as the next man; that burger and onion rings could melt even the blackest of hearts on the darkest of days. Maybe I just need to admit that I’m in denial and that I will never find true love so food may become my only option. People do marry foodstuffs you know. If someone can marry the Eiffel Tower why can’t I marry a Yorkshire pudding? (Not that I ever would, my dad is Lancastrian and wouldn’t approve. I especially imagine Yorkshires to be Tories as well, another no go).

Maybe those who post food porn pictures on social media are onto something and aren’t so stupid and weird after all. Maybe I should open my heart and let the food porn in and embrace it as my own.

W h o knows.

What I do k n ow is that t h e s w e e t chilli salmon I just ate got devoured with a little bit too much enjoyment.

Go yard or go home: using that bit behind your house properly For eight months of the year, the four metre by six metre rectangle of tarmac behind most student homes is neglected. At best it’s a holding pen for bicycles and long-­dead potted herb gardens;; at worst, a graveyard for lost dreams and frustrated ambitions. BUT NO LONGER. Editor Tom Nicholson is here to show you how to make the most of your tiny plot of heaven

Balearic sound system Get some massive speakers, fill the mini-fridge with some of that knock-off blue WKD they do in Digital and pump out banger after banger after motherfuckin’ banger. Alternatively, just ruin everyone else’s August bank holiday weekend by playing floor-clearing whimsy after floor-clearing whimsy, or reminding everyone that Pearl Jam exist, as some old neighbours of mine did.

Barbecues “WELL OBVIOUSLY DICKHEAD” I hear you cry. That’s not unfair. However, the size of the yard gives you scope to build a pyre on which to roast anything you like. Practically speaking you might want to stop at a whole shire horse, but you know your yard better than I do. Chuck a Quorn roast on there to make your vegetarian friends feel welcome. If you do it now, the roast should be ready by November 2017.

Wildlife sanctuary

Another money-making scheme here: what do students like more than desultory, watered down versions of stuff they loved as children? That’s right, heavily sedated animals to be used as props for future profile pics on Facebook, Tinder, etc.

Get some docile household-friendly favourites in first - your rabbits, your cats, your mid-sized pigs - then set out some treats laced with kind of sedative to snag yourself some more exotic creatures. I don’t know about where you live, but in Heaton we regularly get large pigs, lynxes and the occasional mastodon knocking about. Once you’ve got your inmates furry guests rounded up, just keep them onside with regularly administered blasts of Calpol. Mind you factor this into your business plan though - mid-sized pigs can get pretty antsy when you’ve got them hooked on cough syrup and have to force them to go cold turkey due to cashflow problems.

Post-­industrial chic exhibition space There are few things hipsters like more than spaces artfully designed and contrived to look like a firebombed crack dens, and that’s places which genuinely look like firebombed crack dens. Strew some coils of chicken wire hither and yon, stick a sign on your yard door inviting people to fly tip their old wardrobes into your yard, and throw up some posters advertising your hip new “DIY arts space and cultural happening hub”. (For some reason arty people like to go to things which happen in ‘spaces’; it’s just, like, so much more malleable and creatively-inspiring than some stale old gallery, maaaaan.)

That said, hip arty types are generally very wary of anywhere which looks like it might be getting a bit too popular for its own good, so if things get a bit too busy just start a small fire in one corner of the yard and let that burn until the crowd thins out a bit. In fact you might be doing yourself over by advertising it at all. On reflection, you might be best off avoiding this option. Hipsters are too hard to second-guess. Its’ like the old saying goes: you can lead a bear to the woods but you can’t make it shit.

Enormous ball pit Take advantage of the student populace’s collective yearning for a time before responsibilities like paying bills, writing essays, having to avoid soiling themselves in public, and unclogging plugholes of hair which isn’t even yours even though you did it last week and can some people in this house PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST TIDY UP AFTER THEMSELVES IT’S NOT THAT HARD. The market for underwhelming retreads of childhood pastimes is vast - just ask the Chuckle Brothers’ accountants - so the outlay you’ll have to spend on thousands of coloured plastic balls is nothing to worry about. Clear your overdraft by charging people a fiver for a quarter of an hour in your ball pit. Just make sure you factor in the cost of hiring lifeguards to make sure your weaker patrons aren’t drowned by your eight-foot-deep ball pit. If you’ve ever seen that bit in Star Wars: A New Hope then imagine the terror of the rubbish disposal pit scene multiplied by ten. If not, just imagine several weedy youths stuck under some plastic balls. Horrifying.

Brick cauldron of emotion The relentless pace of the modern world gets to us all sometimes. Some people take to nature, and commune with Mother Earth in all her extraordinary and infinite variety. Others retreat inward, to books and symphonies and the highest achievements of the human intellect. I prefer to hit my wheely bin with a big stick. Turning a rubbish receptacle into a twisted lump of low-grade plastic using only one’s fists, fury, and the aforementioned big stick really does do fabulous job of cleansing the soul on a bleak Thursday afternoon. The big bonus of using your yard for this is that you’re on your own property so technically speaking the police have absolutely no power to prevent you from destroying your cereals with a powersaw or whatever it is you have to do to shake out the jams [CHECK THIS BEFORE GOING TO PRINT].

Rage in the cage venue This is sort of related to the above. By this point in the year you’ll most likely hold many minor grievances against your flatmates. What better way to shake it out than going mano a mano, punching out your frustrations as nude as the day you were born, just as God intended. Shrieking “I’VE NEVER LIKED THE WAY THAT YOU SAY ‘SKIM’ MILK RATHER THAN SKIMMED MILK, YOU FLOPPY-BRAINED CHUMP” while attempting to impale your pal with an umbrella isn’t the traditional way to round things off, particularly if you’re graduating, but the radiant glow of spiritual wellbeing you’ll feel when you’re all sat in A&E nursing smashed bones and spongled tendons and the like is a real natural high. Like seeing the dawn rise or taking the last packet of Percy Pigs on the shelf just before a child gets to them and vacating the scene before the kid’s parent can ask you to please not be a dickhead, it just makes you feel really alive. Unless you accidentally get killed, in which case you should probably try not to bleed to heavily lest you land your mates with a hefty deduction from their deposits when they move out.

The Courier

.13

Tuesday 5 May 2015

Culture thecourieronline.co.uk/culture

Culture Editor: Kate Bennett Sections: Lifestyle, Fashion, Beauty, Arts, Music, Film, TV, Gaming and Science courier.culture@ncl.ac.uk | @CourierOnline

Blind Date

David Leighton, 3rd Year English Literature meets Sophie Barclay, 3rd Year English Literature

Sophie on David

Where did you and David go on the date?

We went to the Laing Art Gallery. I quite liked it because I’ve never been asked to a gallery before, so that’s quite nice. And I’ve never been to the Laing either.

David on Sophie

I hear you took Sophie to the Laing—why there?

Because we’re dead hipster, and they’ve got a decent exhibition on at the minute.

The Spanish Civil War? You thought that would set a nice romantic tone did you?

Yes. Instead it just proved to be quite sombre. So when we giggled at the fact that the woman had sausage toes it was like, you’re mocking someone who died in a war. But we went for pints afterwards, which was quite nice, because then we could actually chat.

Was it not a bit quiet?

It was quiet, but we just kinda kept talking anyway. Made quite a lot of fun of the paintings. One woman had a really dodgy eye, so we made fun of that for a while.

Well I hope woman she was painted and not a fellow gallery attendee. What did you think of David’s appearance?

I thought he was quite stylish—loved his shoes, they were pretty great.

What were your first impressions of Sophie then?

She seemed really nice. A bit quiet, but also pretty, and funny, which is everything you want to go on a date with I guess.

How was the conversation?

I think we started off a bit how much can we really say to each other? But by the time we were in Mensbar having pints we were just blurting out all our knowledge about films and stuff, and being really nerdy, so that was quite good. He was a good listener.

Do you feel like you both enjoyed the art?

I genuinely did, but I hope I haven’t bored the shit out of her ‘cause I thought it was really cool. I really don’t know to be honest. It could have maybe come after we’d spoke, because it was a bit like, “Oh, hiya! Let’s just pop into this silent gallery.” Hadn’t really thought that through.

What other topics got covered?

Mainly the paintings, but also art, history, and then family. He’s got a little nephew and so do I. And also our siblings are really weird.

That sounds really romantic, was it really romantic?

Erm, I think we got on really well as mates, and he’s good to talk to as an ‘artistic soul’ like myself, but, erm, probably not romantically. Also, I don’t think I can really do romance anymore, too much time spent in the library.

I

It has been known to devour a love life or two.

Do you see yourself going out with David again in the future?

As mates…yeah.

What kind of things did you discuss once you let the hostile gallery environment?

Well we both do lit, so mostly that. Which lecturers are funny, which lecturers are shit. Erm, how horrible it is to create a medium then have it judged by an academic board. That’s always fun.

And biscuits! And cake as well! Which was lovely. really like biscuits.

Where did you go for the pints and what went down there?

The choice was between classy or cheap, and instead we settled for neither, but close, so it was Mensbar.

There were brief mentions of several types of biscuits, there was the important question of: do you or do you not like cake. Erm, we both have nephews that like painting. Mine painted a dick by accident—he’s only six months old. Laughs ensued.

[In deep sadness] Seems like no one hits it off these days.

Well it’s just the blind date situation I’m afraid, when there’s no hiding behind phones and Tinder. You should do like a Tinder thing, something like that.

Do you think it was intentional?

The laughs? Or the dick?

Hey, I’ll come up with the ideas here. If David was animal other than human, what would he be?

Oh God. Well I know he hates rabbits, horses and cows, so none of them.

The dick.

I really hope so.

Bit odd that you know that, but I need a definite answer I’m afraid.

Erm… Probably an owl or something. He’s quite chill, he knows a lot. He’s like a desk person, you know? As am I. And like, his glasses…

Do you feel like you properly got to know Sophie?

Yeah I do. I mean, obviously you have to talk to someone loads before you actually know them, but, it definitely could have gone worse. It was nice, we had fun, it was easy to chat because we have a lot in common in terms of literature and films and shit, so that was cool.

I have no idea what that means.

We like to organise desks, and have everything just sat on the desk. There’s like, 60s reboot in him. Like, he’s got some cool styles. Definitely an owl, bit mysterious, you don’t really know what he’s about.

Do you feel like there was any romance blossoming?

I am completely incapable of judging something like that.

Apparently people have flirted with me before and I’ve been so oblivious as to just walk away, so I don’t know. I hope she liked me—I don’t think she disliked me, so that’s nice. But again, I don’t know.

And, of course, he’s nocturnal too. Is there anything you want to say about David that isn’t owl-related?

Great guy. I don’t meet many people who I can nerd out with about films, so it was pretty good.

How did the date end?

[Smiling pleasantly] With alcohol and laughter.

Looking for love? Send in your details to c2.lifestyle@ncl.ac.uk

If Sophie was an animal, what animal would she be?

That’s a nigh on impossible question. Erm… Well, see, I about to say horse because I know she really likes horses, but I think if you call someone a horse it’s definitely an insult so I’m gonna go with… a cat. Quiet, smart, funny. Just sound really, everyone loves a good cat.

14.lifestyle

Tuesday 5 May 2015

The Courier

Lifestyle Editors: Jack Dempsey, Annie Lord, Holly Suttle and Tom Tibble

April Showers

Travel: Lisbon, Portugal

Alison Stainsby tells us why April is now the real month of sex

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t’s official: don’t be fooled by the romantic theme of February, or the coupley feeling of December – because April is the real month of sex. Why? You’ve been starved of the good stuff over Easter.

If you don’t have a significant other who is so significant that they will travel across vast swathes of land to get you laid, it’s highly likely that your month at home over Easter will have been pretty sexless. April is the month of rekindling your preeaster romances/friends-with-benefits arrangements, because before you know it, it’ll be summer, and you’ll be in the midst of another dry spell.

It’s time to take your in-progress summer body out for a spin

Okay, I know it’s not summer yet. But you’ve been working on that summer body for a couple of months now. I know, most people would just show it off by wearing a crop top, but why not take it for a more fun, interactive test-drive? Plus, sex is a workout in itself – you can burn around 100 calories per session.

“You’re finally realising that you’re going to have to leave your hedonistic uni days behind” It’s nearly peak exam period

April is the last month without permanent feelings of exam panic – you can still spend your weekends doing fun stuff, without feeling guilty. So why not spend time doing someone else while you’re at it?

Exam period usually means being holed up in the library for 14 hours a day, with little chance of social interaction outside of the (many) walls of the Robinson. And everyone knows that relaxing and taking your mind off work occasionally is the key to effective revision. For these reasons, it’s a good idea to organise yourself someone to relax with before exam period kicks off – initiating a friend with benefits relationship is much easier when you’ve had four half price drinks in Berlise in April, as opposed to over a soggy panini in the library in May.

It’s getting too warm to want to hang around under the covers

April is the last real month of spring – even sunny days aren’t super warm, so you can happily hang around in bed for a few hours without feeling like a guilty, sweaty mess. Make the most of it – in the next few months, you’ll start feeling so warm under the covers alone that the idea of inviting someone in with you and voluntarily sharing close body contact becomes about as appealing as a sober night in cosmic.

Sure, summer sex has its place – in swimming pools, the sea and on beaches, but most of the above seem much sexier in your head than in reality. In fact, I’ve been reliably informed that the reality often leads to various consequences that blister, sting and burn.

“You can burn around 100 calories per session” It’s Gold Rush Season

It’s time for the gold rush: for final year students, there’s about two months until graduation. You’re finally realising that you’re going to have to leave your hedonistic uni days behind, and with it, the proverbial infinity pool of potential sexual conquests. But what about those people you have spent the last three years lusting over, thinking that one day, it might happen? Don’t let them be the one that got away. Spoiler: it might be hugely disappointing – but hey, nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you get rejected, you have the summer to recover. If it’s terrible, you probably won’t ever have to see them again.

Fathima Mahomedy heads for Iberian delight in the Portuguese capital

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isbon is a place I’d wanted to visit ever since I’d learned about Portuguese explorers like Vasco da Gama and Bartolomeu Dias in primary school. In the 15th Century, these chaps stopped in South Africa on the way to what they hoped was India, sticking padrãos in the ground like lions pissing on trees, and naming places for fun. I expected to find Unesco World Heritage sites related to the Age of Discoveries and I did, but the city is definitely not a one-trick pony.

“My friends and I loved how affordable Lisbon accommodation was” For starters, my friends and I loved how affordable Lisbon accommodation was. We stayed at The Independente, one of The Guardian’s 10 Best Luxury Hostels in Europe. Formerly a Swiss ambassador’s residence, it had classy vintage touches, a substantial breakfast included in the £11 per night charge and an enviable location. Cross the cobblestoned street and you’ll find yourself at São Pedro de Alcântara, one of the best vantage points in the capital.

Across town, alongside trams creaking uphill, lay more belvedere summits. In the old district of Alfama which survived the devastating tsunami of 1755, behind a circus academy called Chapito, we were treated to a jaw-dropping panorama of terracotta rooftops and the shimmering Tagus River of legend. It was the sort of vista, I imagined, that could inspire a person to both set sail and long to

return. Condé Nast reckons it’s the seventh best terrace view in the world. How they rank aweinspiring beauty is beyond my ken, but there you have it.

Tours often get a bad rap, sometimes deservedly so, but I think they’re great if you have limited time in a place and/or have a tour guide who provides you with a richer experience than you might otherwise have stumbled upon. We hit the jackpot. Our knowledgeable polyglot of a guide, Doron, had a name that sounded like it was from The Lord of the Rings and tales to rival Tolkien’s. Turns out he’d been living all over the world in a bid to escape Essex.

‘Newcastle?!’, he enquired incredulously, when we told him where we were studying.

‘Yes, Newcastle!’ we replied, taking our honorary Geordie status very seriously.

We were led to a car-park unlike any other. Every spiralling floor is the brain child of a different graffiti artist and the scent of cinnamon is pumped into the air. I was reminded of the fresh, hot, cream pastries we’d eaten the day before at the famous Pastéis de Belém. Talk about a feast for the senses…

We topped off our trek through Alfama with a visit to a moustachioed Mongolian artist who paints with coffee and wine. Doron had told us about the Portuguese literary figure, Fernando Pessoa, who’d created over 75 distinct personalities for himself. Intrigued by the craziness, I bought a freshly inked postcard of the Charlie Chaplin-like writer morphing into a sardine. Later, I discovered that Pessoa, who wrote some gorgeously depressing stuff, spent his teens in my hometown, Durban.

Yet another champion South African-Portuguese

connection, right up there with Nandos.

Between the bittersweet sounds of fado songs sliding through cracks in windows like secrets unleashed and the fun I was having saying nasal Portuguese words, Lisbon was proving itself to be surprisingly magnetic. One of the highlights was day-tripping to Sintra, a town of sunset-coloured palaces and grottos fit for water nymphs. A favoured haunt of Lord Byron, Sintra has a 27 metre inverted well that made me think of The Ring and its creepy protagonist, Samara.

Lisbon has an imitation Christ the Redeemer statue inaugurated during Salazar’s rule in 1959.

“One of the highlights was day-tripping to Sintra, a town of sunset-coloured palaces and grottos”

It overlooks a suspension bridge not unlike the Golden Gate, and named for the day Salazar’s regime was overthrown. While echoing two other great cities - Rio de Janeiro, its offshoot, and the equally undulating San Francisco, Lisbon manages to assert its Old World charm and irony. Fun fact: JK Rowling, who lived in Portugal for some time, named Slytherin after its dictator.

So, essentially, if you’re looking for a place filled with equal parts adventure and magic, a place where people pronounce your name properly and where boats are so fly they’re emblazoned with ‘Whatever’, meu deus, visit Lisbon already.

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Tuesday 5 May 2015

thecourieronline.co.uk/lifestyle c2.lifestyle@ncl.ac.uk | @CourierLifestyle

Sun’s out, bangers out Fiona Callow prepares for summer with her student-­style barbecue in the sunshine

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fter all the surprisingly, distinctly nonNorthern sunshine that we’ve had recently, one would think that hosting a barbecue at the weekend would be an ideal time to get the alcohol flowing, while soaking up as much Vitamin C as possible before exams start, and we all end up languishing in the gloom of the library, come exam time.

All week, the likes of Osborne Road had been bursting with students, and walking to uni had become a guessing game as to who looked out the window and, albeit optimistically, thought that today was the day they finally dusted the cobwebs off their shorts, and stuck on the flip-flops for good measure. It was all looking very bright, no pun intended. Just as happens to any good plans, of course this went awry. Saturday morning dawned, the heavens opened, and a week’s worth of spite and rain fell, like a big middle finger to any weekend revellers. But we’re British, barbecuing in rain with an umbrella to keep the rain off the sausages is second nature to us, so we gritted our teeth and cracked on regardless.

The venue is an important place to consider when hosting a barbecue. A word of advice would be even if it is monsoon season in Newcastle, remember barbecues are character-building exercises in human endurance, and therefore can only take place outside. Jesmond Dene has a picnic area, which you can barbecue on. That was where we were going to head to, a back to nature sort of retreat, to surround ourselves with trees and fresh air.

However, the weather dictated that we use the considerably less glamourous location of our back yard. We share a yard with our neighbours who also have an interest in pyrotechnics, though that mainly involves ripping the back yard door off and burning it in a frankly terrifying Freshers Week initiation ritual. The assortment of bin-bags, odd socks and general ‘prison yard’ feel wasn’t the most inspiring setting for a boozy party, especially when one fears that the flicker of flames might incite the

crazy neighbours to come down and light a fire of their own but we managed with the addition of some cheap Primark fairy lights which we strung from the washing line. It wasn’t the Dene, but it was an improvement.

Another key thing to note is it doesn’t count if you grill your burgers folks, everyone knows that you’re supposed to be able to taste meat with a soupçon of charcoal, it adds to the general ambience of the entire day. To ensure that you don’t encounter any, ahem, performance issues, which might cause you to turn to cheating with the grill, make sure that you buy lighter fluid, a key catalyst in ensuring you’re not waiting for hours in the hope an ember will catch light. Luckily lots of supermarkets have capitalised on the fact that it is close to summer, and have brought forward their range of barbecue products. At the moment Aldi have cheap disposable barbecues, along with the other accoutrements.

I would advise staying away from Tesco Metro’s prices for meat, as they are extortionate at the best of times, and it’s not necessary to have particularly good quality meat when you’re practically guaranteed to burn something. Grainger Market is perfect for sourcing cheap meat, often they have deals which mean that you can increase the quantity of meat you have in, without skimping too much on the quality.

Finally, make sure that alcohol stocks are replenished, as there’s nothing more irritating than having to chance it with the chicken skewers in order to nip out and buy some more beer.

So the stage was set for our first barbecue of the summer and it didn’t disappoint. After a tense half an hour of tending the flame, which seemed to involve an awful lot of huffing and puffing, the rain was proving too much for even the brollies to shield us from so we retreated to leaning out of the open window, and turning the meat with a spatula/ wooden spoon extension of our own making. British summer, how we’ve missed you.

Revision decision: hotspots on campus Lauren Exell shares with us her best revision spots to revise during exam time

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his time of year is always hell. Countless essay deadlines, exam preparations and presentations are bad enough, but all this pressure combined with the fact there’s no seats left in the sweltering Robinson library is a travesty. We need to revise on campus on a place which doesn’t emit stress left right and centre. Therefore, here is a list of the 5 best revision spots on campus which won’t make you feel your brain is about to go into meltdown.

That nice patch of grass just outside the Robinson library.

Strange as it sounds, you’ll feel uncannily smug about being a stone’s throw away from the library, yet completely external from its torture. Peeking in and entertaining yourself at some Economics student have a full on breakdown may sound sadistic, but thinking about how you’re not in that hellhole of a building will indefinitely give you the motivation to get some work done yourself. Away from all the stress, you can lay out in the sun with a book on lap, content knowing that all those library wankers don’t have a clue about this amazing revision spot.

The pop-up library.

They don’t stop promoting it on our uni homepage, but how many people actually go? Not that many.

That’s the beauty of it, you get a nice change of scenery in this newly opened spot, and somehow everything feels a lot more clean, a lot less claustrophobic and sickening, and it’s a lot quieter. Plus, it’s right in the middle of campus. No more trekking to the Robbo which is unnecessarily placed on the periphery of uni, this place is practically the SU and definitely no more than a 30 second walk away from your lectures (unless you’re in the business school, then it’s a bit shit).

Computer clusters.

Wherever you fancy, Hershel, Percy, Fell, the world

is your oyster. These give a nice, subject-based atmosphere, where one can revise knowing everyone around them is stressing about the exact same thing. No more looking over your shoulder at some dentist’s revision notes and pondering over the purpose of molars, these clusters have a more chilled atmosphere where revision can happen in unity. Here, no one glares at you when you whisper a question to your mate, and overall there’s a much happier, less stressful atmosphere.

The ACTUAL union.

Top floor, in one of those booths. Nothing could be better than isolating yourself from the entire world in a sound-proof glass box, making it possible to actually get some work done on campus away from distraction. When revision stress really hits home you can pop down to Men’s bar for a diesel, or feast on a cheeky Subway or Dominoes – or both.

Plus, in those transparent booths, everyone knows if you’re not doing work, and you will be judged (mainly because they want your spot), so the pressure is on.

The Robbo.

Okay fair enough, I have spent the entirety of this article slagging it off, but maybe we’re just treating it in the wrong way. My advice is to steer well clear from the mainstream spots and head to the unknown areas where stress levels have significantly reduced. Why not try the basement, or the closed off booths which occasionally you will find international students like to sleep in. Although the library is often hell, we can’t deny most of our work gets done here. At least now we know when it all gets too much, we have plenty of other revision spots to escape to.

The patch outside the beloved Robinson library

16.lifestyle

Tuesday 5 May 2015

The Courier

The great round-­table punch-­up With only a few days left before the nation goes to the polls, Editor Tom Nicholson Tom Nicholson LQYLWHG VWXGHQW UHSUHVHQWDWLYHV RI WKH ¿ YH main political parties to argue the toss over the big issues facing students right now and answer the really big questions: would the ould the President of the Greens throttle the Tory to death with biodegradable twine? Could the Ukip guy make a point about immigration without dragging AIDS sufferers into it? And would we get any more sense out of them than their party leaders?

Dramatis personae Ruairi Walker

President of the Labour Society First year Economics

Sam Lee

President of the Conservative Society Third year Politics

Robert Magowan

President of the Young Greens Society Third year Media and Communications

Shawkat Al-­Baghdadhi

Ukip activist Second year Computer Science

Sean McCluskey

Lib Dem activist First year Economics and Maths

Right so the way I thought we’d do this is to talk broadly around six themes which are most relevant to students and soon-to-be graduates: jobs, economy, tuition fees, the environment, housing and immigration – I think that’s kind of unavoidable. So, shall we start with the big one: the economy. Is it fucked? If so, how much? And what do we do to un-fuck it?

Shawkat: So in my opinion the single biggest threat to our economy is the debt because that could eventually lead to hyperinflation, which is the worst possible thing because you’ll go to a store and be barely able to afford food. So debt has to be placed under control. We believe that we can make cuts without having to completely destroy our welfare system, and I know everyone hates to hear this, but we do believe foreign aid – only £2bn of it is absolutely crucial and actually helps people in crisis and other emergencies while the other £8bn or £9bn goes into other projects. Like India – it’s all well and good, but they have a space programme so maybe it’s not really urgent that we give them money. Also there was millions of pounds given to Morocco to build a water park. It all adds up and makes up a large chunk of it so we’d cut that that’s a good £8bn saved we’d also leave the EU which is £55m a day saved and, yeah, those are the two main sources we’d come up with.

Rob: If the public voted to stay in the EU how would you cut? You’d be a bit fucked.

Shawkat: Good question. I don’t see it as very likely at all that the public would vote to stay in I’m not the leader of ukip but I’m not coming up with these alternative plans, but the way I see it there is really such little chance that people are going to vote to stay in because all the facts are on our side and people just prefer democracy to bureaucracy which is what we have with the EU Sam: I think it’s public dissent not necessarily with the EU itself but what the EU has become in recent

years, that’s why the Conservatives have moved away from the European Peoples’ Party and started up the European conservatives and reformists. It’s about trying to change the shape of it and the level of bureaucracy, about trying to foster cooperation with other parts of the world as well so looking to the commonwealth looking to America looking to asia rather than just being so insular in these ways and I do disagree with you on the EU I think it’s a great institution, fundamentally it’s a brilliant place, I’m from hull myself we would never have got this massive siemens factory with all the tertiary economy which is going to come with it if it wasn’t for being part of the EU I think it’s a massive part of our economy and I would defend the 0.7% as well it shouldn’t be going to build water parks but it’s a really good thing that the government;s done. We’ve halved the debt but I don’t think we’ve gone far enough with it personally but you know…

Rob: Halved the deficit.

Sam: Halved the deficit yeah…

Shawkat: And even that’s arguable because I don’t think that counting what percent of GDP it isis the best way. You’ve halved the debt ratio to GDP but actually debt has only gone up.

Sam: The borrowing on the debt itself has gone down. We’re the only party at the moment who are offering a debt surplus before 2018.

Growth is going down.

Rob: You’re offering a surplus if the growth expectations are met, which they were nowhere near met in the 2010 manifesto.

Sam: I expect it’s not going to happen by 2018, these are just political realities but we’re the ones committed to further reducing the deficit and further reducing the debt Rob: If your growth targets are met.

Sam: Well I’m not Christine Lagarde I don’t run the IMF, and I’m not taking it purely on face value, I’m looking at the view that the debt is going down

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and the deficit will eventually go down if we pursue sensible economic policies But is austerity the way to get rid of deficit and debt?

Rob: Do you want to let all of those guys answer that, and then come to me on that one?

Sean: We need a balanced approach we need more taxes on the wealthiest which the conservatives won’t agree to we need spending cuts, and welfare cuts. The welfacre cuts from the conservatives, 12bn they haven’t outlined where they’re going come from we need a balanced approach and I think it’s right to ask the wealthiest to pay a bit more.

What do you think the upper limit of tax should be? 40%, 45%, 50%, 60%?

Ruiari: 50.

Sam: 45. The New Statesman of all publications came out and said that David Cameron and George Osborne, and the coalition, have squeezwd more from the rich than any labour government in the past 20 years as a proportion of their wealth.

There’s this idea that the Tories are this evil, austerty…

Rob: do you think they’ve squeezed enough?

Sam: I’m not going to go ahead and say that the richest people are the hardest working people in our society because there are a lot of people who inherit their wealth but there are people who ascend to that level of economy and we shouldn’t be taxing them to hgh heaven and create some brain drain…

Rob: Even if they’re earning to high heaven?

Sam: If they’re earning to high heaven they are having the broadest shoulders that are bearing the most weight anyway you know they’re paying a higher percentage of their wealth.

Rob: They’re paying a huge amount but they’re also earning an absolute shit ton S. what would you say is a decent tax level past

£50,000 say.

Rob: Well above earnings of £150,000 we’re saying 60%.

Sam: So where’s the incentive to earn over £150,000?

Rob: All the money you get above that! You’ve got £150 grand in the bank, you’re onto a winner.

You’re doing ok, you’re not going ‘oh I could do with a bit more incentive’. You’re not thinking ‘oh where am I going to get my next pay cheque from anything above that 150000 realistically the people we’re trying to target are people whose salaries are well above that anyway so the 40% of that is still going into your account Sam: I admit that we have a rise in global inequality its one of the biggest issues facing us and I would say that the Conservative party needs to pay more attention to this, we need to pay more attention to it across the entire political spectrum… but these people who are earning over £150,000 a year, they’re not bound by the same sort of regulations as the rest of us. We are losing money as Ed Balls would point out himself because these people could go to places like Germany or south Africa where they’re not going to be taxed, they’ll just move that wealth around it’s all well and good to say we’ll tax them on this amount but you’re just losing that money in an empirical sense and it’s not economically responsible even though it’s not so heady and ideological Rob: The people that live here in this country, normal people, I don’t think they’re spending their days worrying about losing the richest 0.1% of people. That shouldn’t be our priority as a nation. If that’s the only incentive keeping them here, a 45% tax rate, then fuck em let em go.

Sam: I’m not sayin it s a priority, I’m saying it’s a huge part of our economy. I hate trickle-down economics, I don’t agree with it whatsoever…

Rob: Buuuuuut…

Sam: …but when you are paying into an economy the economy reciprocates or levels; it’s one of the reasons why Jesmond is so successful and continues to be successful, because people reinvest in Jesmond in a way that doesn’t happen in the west end.

Rob: And if we continue relying on that 1% as we currently are… if we could not rely on them anymore and instead invest in the people in this countrythose who pay into the exchequer day in day out who are on normal salaries right if you increase their earnings if you pay a living wage for example and got people above the £10,000 bracket…

Sam: I don’t think paying a living wage is the best means to get people actually earning more… it’s misguided language to say things like that. When you’re paying people £8 an hour for a job they’re doing for 6 an hour you’re screwing over local business actually. I work for a restaurant, I’m on minimum wage, I get tips, yeah its great, whatever, but if they pay me £8 an hour I’m just going to get less hours because as a restaurant we can’t afford to do something like that but what the govt has done is offer a tax incentive and say if you earn over ten and a half k a year – it was 9 grand under Labour – you’re not paying any tax whatsoever.

Shawkat: We say take the minimum wage out of tax because if you increase the minimum wage just like that restaurant is the small businesses who employ people at minimum wage create their entire business plans around that – if you increase minimum wage they’re going to have to find that money from elsewhere Rob: But you’re completely obsessing about the companies – all the people who work on minimum wage, all of the students like you right, if they’re all getting £1.50 extra an hour, that’s in their pockets, those students are going to start to spend more, every person who’s on a living wage starts to spend more.

Shawkat: But we won’t have any more material

because all the material will have gone up in price because they people who are paying have to pay more.

Sam: It’s an artificial level of inflation, you’re artificially pumping the wage up… minimum wage has to rise with inflation but it works to bolster the economy as it is and the best way to do that is not to punish the business and increasing the tax threshold Rob: But I doesn’t work for the people themselves Just to bring it back to the broad question of the economy at large: austerity is the narrative, of our age but is it a false narrative. Some people on the left – not everyone on the left –thinks that it is founded on faulty economic principles and that it is a doomed economic doctrine from the very beginning.

Sam: I think it’s a falsehood to say that austerity is the only means the government is using to push towards of economic reform. It’s also incentives to business, it’s also cutting tax thresholds, its integration in the economy rather than just cutting and cutting and cutting and cutting. Over the last 20 years we’ve seen the national economy move more towards a public sector type work which I would say is fundamentally unsustainable Ruiari: You say that but the conservative govt just sold off East Coast trains which is one of the most profitable industries in the economy. Why? Why not continue maintaining it and keep on making profit? Virgin trains are going to put the prices up, people will have to pay more. Is that fair? And the profits are going straight to Virgin. It’s just like Royal Mail.

Sam: It’s a real tragedy that companies like this work on an oligarchic level, a lot of the time it’s price setting…

So break down the monopolies?

Ruiari: Yeah the monopolies that fund your party.

Shawkat: We need a more powerful competition

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commission.

Sam: I would agree with that rather than creating legislative loopholes for them but fundamentally it’s not the remit of the government to run things like train networks.

Rob: But it serves people as well. When you have privately run train networks for example, yeah they do work well and you might be able to get the price down, but when you get to where I live, rural lines, no company wants to put that on because it’s not profitable. If you run a bus company where I live there’s no point putting on a bus because it’s just me and my sister on it. So no private company takes it on, so it must be state-run.

Sam: But local government put up sponsorships and tax incentives for companies to run these services – the market takes care of the mainlines but it doesn’t have to all be run by central government – it’s not their remit. It’s an epistemological thing for me. It’s not the responsibility of government.

Rob: But is it economical, the reasons for that?

Sean: On the economy we want to get rid of the deficit by 2018; I don’t think anyone here is in politics to cut forever. I think the 45p top rate of tax is the right level. We and the Conservatives are giving tax cuts to the lowest paid workers and I think that’s the right policy.

Sam: Absolutely.

My personal gripe with the way that the cuts have fallen in the last five years is that there’s been some utterly bizarre decisions. Cutting legal aid for instance: justice is a fundamental human right anywhere, but in a country that considers itself the seat of what we know as modern justice, that is utterly bizarre to me. I know we’re entering into this austerity narrative now, which I was trying to challenge, but if cuts must happen where must they happen now? As we’ve been through five years of it, and apparently we’ve cut everything that needs to be cut.

Rob: Like you just clarified there, the agenda is to take the state out of these affairs, so that’s the one thing, a smaller state. And then the second thing is that cuts might need to be made, but they’re two different questions. What’s been very convenient for the conservative party just to go ‘ oh there’s no money left and we’re going to shrink the state, boom, we’re done’ as if austerity is the only option and so any decision we make regardless of whether it’s justified or not on a case-by-case basis, that’s irrelevant because cuts have to be made. You can make any argument you want about the bedroom tax but understanding is that something has to go and it’s either this or it’s that. That’s the framing that’s been successfully set up and has been bought into by you you you and you.

Sam: What’s the Green alternative?

Rob: Public spending just as in after the second world war we had a higher debt to GDP ratio than we do now, so they took the risk on board and they invested in public services, created the NHS - that worked out pretty well - and then we advocate the same approach now. Just as Paul Krugman, the Nobel Prize winning economist, said yesterday: austerity is an absolute scam. Public investment is what the govt decided to do 2013 after three failed years of austerity they decided to ease up on it what happened the economy started to grow now ehre at the stage where it might continue to grow and it probably will continue to grow modestly, not at the rate that you think it’s going to grow but only if public spending continues. Now they wanted to ease up on it a little but right but we’d reverse a lot of the cuts and invest where it’s needed.

Sam: but where does the money come from? This is always the thing that I end up saying.

Rob: It’s borrowed.

Sam: Where from?

Rob: Well there’s tax revenues, things like the 60% tax rate, the robin hood tax, the wealth tax – there’s a big page of tax increases that redistribute wealth.

As you said yourself that s the primary issue at the moment, Thomas Piketty’s book Capital in the 21st Century detailed that in full. That’s the primary issue, redistribution of wealth and a more equal society. The second thing is borrowing. The perfect example on a small scale is the housing policy 500,000 social housing homes by 2020 is the Green policy. The bulk of that money comes from closing a tax loophole that allows developers when they’re paying off the mortgage on their third fourth fifth home that they’re renting out privately that they get tax free payments on their mortgage payments.

Close that loophole, it gets a bit of money. The other way is to let councils borrow money to build its something labour wanted to do but couldn’t do because you framed them as looking like they’re economically irresponsible so they can’t but that on the table. We would allow councils to borrow

“I think one of the failures of the coalition has been a lack of strength in tackling economic oligarchy.

I don’t think any of the political leaders have the gall to smash down that.”

“We have had to cut the pay of public sector workers in line with inflation so they haven’t been getting a pay rise.

But people are going to have to make sacrifices.”

“We’ve got the lowest productivity we’ve had since the war.

How can you say we’ve got a great economy there?”

“Why do people have to make sacrifices? I don’t remember this period up to 2008 where we were all getting smashed, snorting coke, having a class night, now we’ve got to rein it in a bit.

It didn’t happen” “I know it sounds horrible. There’s a lot of stuff that sounds horrible, but the reality is we just don’t live in a perfect world.”

to build, invest in houses its an asset they hold on to the people can’t buy it because we’re scrapping right to buy. It’s completely idiotic because you’re taking away all the social rented homes that are for the next generation that’s why we have a housing crisis.

Sam: I fundamentally disagree with that – I would not be sat at this table if it weren’t for the right to buy.

Rob: But that’s the way we would do it, on the one hand tax loopholes and on the other borrowing which is absolutely fine as Krugman says the interest on borrowing is really really low so its not a problem to borrow more its not a problem for the national debt to go up modestly in the near future.

S I think there are some really key assumptions in your argument about the shape of the economy…

I think we really need to offer incentives to get manufacturing back on its feet again, we’ve been an import nation for so long.

Ruairi: We’ve got the lowest productivity we’ve had since the war. How can you say we’ve got a great economy there?

Sam: There are 2.2m more apprenticeships we’ve had...

Apprentices are on about £2.70 an hour aren’t they?

Ruairi: Some of them weren’t even getting paid.

Sam: Jobs are there and they weren’t there before.

It’s a way to get into business; you’re not immediately going to get into a job, but they’re on the ladder. People are finding it very difficult to live and I admonish that but people are fundamentally in the situation getting better and we can’t say we don’t like the structure of it.

What I was going to mention was underemployment. Is self-employment figures going up good? I’d assume that people on the right would applaud entrepreneurship, but more to the left you’d think of less stability.

Rob: Being self employed is perfectly good, but it’s the bracket that a lot of people fall under when they’re actually in very precarious or low-paid employment. My cousin was working for Empire they had to cut jobs she lost her job shes still doing movie reviews but shes running her own company, self-employed, but hugely precarious in her employment. So people come under that bracket and its ‘ah look at all this entrepreneurship’ and it’s just not the case. She was forced into that position. She has to declare herself self-employed but in reality she’s not really and she more or less is unemployed to all intents and purposes.

Sean:: We’ve had 2 million new private sector jobs in this government, and I do think it is a success, but we have had to cut the pay of public sector workers in line with inflation so they haven’t been getting a pay rise. But people are going to have to make sacrifices Rob: But why do people have to make sacrifices? I don’t remember this period up to 2008 where we were all getting smashed, snorting coke... no one was doing that. Up to 2008 we didn’t have this massive hoorah like The Wolf of Wall Street; this wasn’t us, it wasn’t the British people who were doing this, so why are public sector workers all having to take a cut just because, you know, we all had that class night back in 2008 so now we’re going to have to rein it in a bit. It didn’t happen. The last five years it’s been successfully ingrained that we all have to take a hit because we overspent. The issue of private debt is much more important, its this obsession over public debt, that it’s dangerous, that the debt needs to be reduced urgently, that is really not the case.

Shawkat: If people default on their private debt, it doesn’t have a huge effect on our currency. That’s why the debt is important – the worse it gets, the worse our currency gets, the worse our lives get.

Sam: Since 1970, four fifths of the world’s economic mass has been debt or credit in some way or another. People think of it as a bad thing but it makes the world go round in some sense. The issue when it comes to central government and national debt is that when we lose the ability to pay off the money faster than we’re getting it then it’s going to screw over people like us who are going to have to go and grow up and contribute more to that through our taxes.

Rob: I’m not sure how relevant it is to bring up the prospect of default. We’re nowhere near it.

Right just for clarity what actually happens if you default? Does the IMF send the bailiffs round?

Shawkat: No-one trusts you at all. None will lend you money anymore, and if that happens then all this cuts we’re planning on making in the future, we will be forced to make now.

Rob: Instead of over five years.

Sam: When you lose the credit rating even down

to AA [rather than AAA] the amount of people willing to lend massively decreses so you can’t have the public spending that the lef of centre or far left would like to advocate.

Rob: But you you don’t seem to want that public spending anyway.

Sam: Absolutely we want public spending!

Rob: So we’re moving toward a situation where we have a healthy economy and we can spend more, or are you moving to a situation where we have a healthy economy and still don’t spend that money anyway?

Sam: I think it comes down to an epistemology thing: what is the remit of government? I wouldn’t say it’s things like energy or train companies, we’re going to fundamentally disagree on that regardless of the actual reality of it.

Rob: I do think that the public expect money to be spent that way. You’ll have people on the right who’ll disagree with that and there’s an argument to be had there, but when the public expect the state to step in in certain times, like freezing energy rates til 2017, the public do expect the government to have the ability to do that. You might not like tha t on the right, but the public expect it by and large.

So I think it’s a bit dishonest to approach it from that angle of saying that you won’t have spending in certain areas when the public expect that that is going to happen when it’s necessary.

Sam: I think one of the failures of the coalition has been a lack of strength in tackling economic oligarchy. One of the brilliant things about having a number of energy companies is that they’re supposed to have the cheapest costs and give the best service. Fundamentally we haven’t been doing that.

I don’t think any of the political leaders have the gall to smash down that.

Sean: The issue in the energy market is competition there’s just too few companies providing energy but on debt we’re paying £35bn interest on the debt. It’s not good enough. We need to get rid of the debt and then invest; I don’t think we need a surplus.

Shawkat: Say if we all chipped into a pot – we’d all be a little bit poorer but we could get it together and buy something that would benefit all of us. In theory, that should work. It should make sense.

The reason it’s not is because while the pot was enormous, the amount of people who it now had to benefit was enormous as well but we went overboard and started spend on people who’d never chipped into the pot in the first place.

I have a feeling I know where this is going.

Shawkat: I’m sure you do, and I know you’re not going to like it…

Rob: It’s babies! They never chipped in when they were in the womb, and then they just arrive. It’s so unfair.

Shawkat: It’s a few things. First, our membership of the EU doesn’t make sense because we don’t get that money back. Yes there are some benefits but we could have those outside of it. Foreign aid is another one. Some crises are so horrible you just have to spend on them. Another situation is foreigners who come here, which we’re happy with by the way – I’m an immigrant, my whole family is – who come here and instantly have a right to benefits, to take from the pot that they haven’t paid into yet. We propose that five years after they move here, then they’re allowed to take out of it. Doesn’t that make sense?

Ruairi: It’s nothing different, Labour says exactly the same but after two years.

Shawkat: But you can’t do that inside the EU. Rob: But your entire plan, again, relies on people voting to leave the EU. We’re talking hypotheticals, but what happens if someone who’s been here three and a half years falls off a ladder, breaks their back and needs healthcare?

Shawkat: That’s why we say you should have health insurance before you come. So many countries do this, that we have full respect for. I know it sounds horrible. There’s a lot of stuff that sounds horrible, but the reality is we just don’t live in a perfect world.

Rob: We could let them access the NHS. Shawkat: We could, after they’ve chipped in.

Rob: Or you could just let them access it when they need it.

Shawkat: But it’s not sustainable. They haven’t chipped enough for them to take out of the pot.

Ruairi: You do realize that that happens in the EU too? I know people who’ve gone to Budapest to get their teeth done and stuff like that.

Shawkat: It doesn’t make it right though. And if you go to America and many other places, you need private health insurance before you go.

Rob: Yeah and it’s the most dreadful health system

The Courier

feature.21

Tuesday 5 May 2015

in the world. You’re making an assumption there that only people who’ve contributed to the pot should get something out of it – I did not contribute to the pot, apart from the VAT that’s charged on sweets, up until the age of 18. I’m taking from the pot as we speak. I’ll be contributing to it quite soon as a citizen of this country which entitles me to all the protections and provisions that are there from the state.

Shawkat: 100% agreed, which is why we need to be even more strict because the pot is already being strained.

Sam: Is the argument here that it shouldn’t matter where you’re born, that’s all great and it works in political theory and it’d be great if we had this cosmopolitan world but the fundamental fact is that in this country people who live here are paying toward the NHS – you can’t just ignore that.

What really did my head in [about Nigel Farage’s comments on AIDS sufferers from outside the UK using the NHS for treatment] was that while everyone flipped their shit, he was making a really serious point. We can’t just flip out shit every time anyone right of centre says it’s an actual issue.

Rob: I can understand why people flipped their shit about that, because you’re suggesting that we should consider not treating someone who’s suffering from HIV or AIDS. The idea that if we don’t treat them it just saves some money…

Shawkat: £25,000 per person.

Rob: As if that’s the end of it! What do you think that person’s going to do? You think they’re just going to stay celibate for the next few years [until they’ve paid into the system]? We can’t just isolate ourselves from these people, even if you’re going to be selfish about it and say ‘I’m not going to help them because they’ve not contributed’…

S How is that selfish?

Rob: …even if you are, it’s going to have a knockon effect on people born in this country who’ll be affected by this if the disease spreads. It still puts pressure on the NHS. Shawkat: But they have to have private healthcare under our system.

Rob: So they can’t get in without health insurance.

So you wouldn’t be able to get in if you’re poor.

Shawkat: I have so much respect for what you’re saying, that you can’t just let these people die in front of you but the thing is...

Rob: This seems to be a theme of what the two of you are saying it would be great to do this and I appreciate what you’re saying, but, but, but…

S It’s because finances are a thing!

Rob: You’d love to be nice people but you just… can’t. It’s like when your mate says “Oh I can’t come out tonight, don’t have time.” Well you do, you just don’t really want to.

Shawkat: That’s not the case at all!

Sam: If you’d worked a 10 hour shift in a bar, earned a hundred quid, would you give that away straight away?

Rob: If someone needed it, yeah.

Sam: [Incredulously] REALLY? Rob: But you wouldn’t! That’s the thing. I’m not trying to say that I’m nice and you’re not, but that is the ideology. You’re saying it can’t be done but it’s not really the case.

Shawkat: No disrespect, bit this is usually why the youth usually favour the left, whereas the older people have been in the real world where they have to fend for themselves. The youth have a lot of their life paid for for them, and that includes myself. I still haven’t had to fend for myself. It’s easier for me to say that we should hand out money left and right because I haven’t earned money, but then when you do you realize how hard it is.

Sam: Did anyone see the Young Leaders’ debate?

This was exactly the argument they had. It seems like you have the same argument every time you get a bunch of young people in a room.

Let’s move onto housing. Firstly, are we ever going to be able to afford homes? If not, what are we going to do about rents? Or landlords who’ve got thirty-odd properties?

Ruairi: Labour are going to introduce – when we get into power, inevitably – a rent cap, and more rights for renters themselves. And again, if they say “Rent’s gone up 50% mate”, how are you going to pay it? I mean real talk, how are you going to pay it? Labour are planning 200, 000 new houses a year by 2020, and they’ve also got plans to tackle people who buy houses and don’t use it. I’ve seen it in Battersea, there’s a complex of flats which have all been bought up as an asset, and inevitably it’s going to rise, which isn’t fair really because there’s people on the streets with nowhere to live and there’s a 20 storey building which is completely empty.

Sam: I think there’s one thing we can all agree on here, and it’s that private landlords are shit. I think we need to be doing more across national parties

to say this is not happening. What we have is a surplus in private housing and a massive deficit in public housing. So if the house is £100 a week rent in private sector, social housing is putting gout for £70, and we have the case now where people are not wanting to move into the private housing because they think ‘Oh I might as well wait until I can get the £70 one’. Obviously we need to be building more houses, but we need to address this problem, and the Bedroom Tax was a really shit way of going about it and I didn’t agree with it whatsoever – I don’t agree with everything that David Cameron tells me to do – but if I am going to put on my Conservative party hat for a moment, we are offer 10 or 15 % to first time buyers. I wouldn’t be sat here if it wasn’t for right to buy. My Dad bought his own council house in the early 80s, set up his own company, did well from it and it gave me the opportunities to get on to university, so I’m massively, massively for independent house ownership.

Sean: I think the main issue is getting the deposit together. People can pay the rent but they can’t save for a deposit we’ve got a new policy actually that no one else in here has got: we want to build 30,000 new homes where you can rent to own, so every time you lay rent you build up a stake in the house. We also want to build 300,000 new homes and that’s the best policy for housing.

Are we going to get rid of these bloody admin fees by the way? Scotland have done it. It’s a complete jip isn’t it.

Rob: Well that’s very lucky because that’s something the Young Greens are going to campaign on next year.

Sam: That’s good, absolutely.

Ruairi: But your party’s been in power for the last five years. Is it not the kind of thing they could have prioritised, if they cared at all? That’s the fundamental issue. Sometimes you sound very, very sensible on these types of things and then you realize why doesn’t your party do anything? The things that you sound most sensible on are the ones that aren’t Conservative policy.

Sam: I think in 10 or 15 years time it’ll be higher up the political agenda, it’s a sad political fact But I’ll be skint by then.

Rob: Can’t wait!

Sam: I’m just being a pragmatist!

Shawkat: I think part of the problem is career politicians – if you had fewer career politicians you would get so much more done, and that goes for every party. They aren’t proactive, they don’t care.

It’s terrible.

Rob: It’s endemic in all parties.

Sam: I think it’s a problem with the party whip system itself.

Rob: And safe seats too.

Sam: I can’t possibly defend the political system that we have now.

Rob: See there’s another one of your good ideas!

Sam: I am totally, totally for STV and I think perhaps a third of my party are but are too terrified to say so.

Rob: We’ve been telling every student to sign up to vote, and they know for a fact who’s going to win.

Sam: It’s absolutely awful. I think the nation is moving inexorably toward a multi-party system anyway. The Greens are doing well out of it, Ukip too, and the Tories are losing out, and to be honest I don’t care. I think it’s a good thing that more parties are represented I think it’s a kick in the teeth that we need.

Rob: So why did they destroy the AV referendum then?

Sam: I hated that. The way they were saying you could have a hospital or this referencum was absolutely abominable. As a proper Conservative I’m against he political poison that comes out of these things.

Ukip seem to be making inroads into places with very, very low levels of migrations. Bigger cities like London or Manchester or Birmingham haven’t seen any headway being made at all. Why is that?

Shawkat: Because voting Ukip isn’t about what it seems to be, which is playing to people’s fear of immigration…

Rob: There is a short answer to that.

Shawkat: …which it just isn’t. It’s about feeling that the leadership of the party genuinely cares about the UK and will say whatever it takes, no matter how harsh, as long as it is the truth. It’s not about migration specifically, and as much as Ukip tries to make immigration the number one issue, I would prefer that they made the EU more an issue about democracy than immigration, because I think that that’s more of an issue. And I think a lot of the people who support Ukip are more concerned about democracy in the EU than immigration.

So sticking solidly to the migration, migration, mi-

“You’d love to be nice people but you just… can’t. It’s like when your mate says ‘Oh I can’t come out tonight, don’t have time’. Well you do, you just don’t really want to.”

“I am totally, totally for STV and I think perhaps a third of my party are but are too terrified to say so...

I hated the political poison around the AV referendum” “We’re paying £35bn interest on the debt.

It’s not good enough.

We need to get rid of the debt and then invest; I don’t think we need a surplus.”

“Ukip is about feeling that the leadership of the party genuinely cares about the UK and will say whatever it takes, no matter how harsh, as long as it is the truth.”

“What if your landlord says, ‘Rent’s gone up 50% mate’. how are you going to pay it? I mean, real talk, how are you going to pay it?”

gration line is doing the party more damage long term than good?

Rob: It’s worked wonders in the last few years. It’s got you your 12-15 MEPs. The reason that they don’t do well in cities and areas with high immigration is because people in those areas understand what high immigration does to the area, and it is not negative. If you take a map of the UK and map on density of migrant populations and areas with strong Ukip support, they reflect onto each other perfectly. Areas that you’ve done well in have very very low immigration and what are the billboards saying? Not that the EU isn’t democratic but that immigration is a problem and that you should be worried about it.

Shawkat: Douglas Carswell specifically said that he tried to mention immigration as few times as he could during his campaign.

Sam: I think all of us as young party politicians who’ve been so bold as to claim party allegiance have to have our values and I think that the Ukip values are fundamentally good in the way that all of our views are fundamentally good, even though I may disagree. WE have to have a sense of what our party is – I accept that the Conservative party can be far too establishment, it can be backward, it can be all sorts of things but its heart is in the right place. My objection with Ukip is that it has this thing about intellectualism and and libertarianism which is all well and good but it’s not how they sell themselves door-to-door. People vote Ukip because they say they’re going to do something about migration, and by tat they mean have less of them. My grandma is voting Ukip for the first time and she’s in her seventies and has seen Hull change drastically but she’s gt this nostalgic sense and she’s voting on that principle now.

Shawkat: I do agree that there’s a lot of those people.

Sam: How would you go about changing it? What can the party do to challenge these assumptions?

Shawkat: I think we’ve already done everything we can to make the immigration argument, and it had to be made, I don’t contest that. But I think now we should really really focus on democracy because we’re the only ones saying we need more referendums.

Rob: I think you’ve been misled if you think that’s where Ukips support has come from over the last few years, people thinking Ukip are the party of democracy – Ukip are the party of immigration and that’s what led you to where you are now. You might be coming from a different angle, and I’m probably with you on a lot more of that democracy and Greens want more devolution and local government. But where Ukip’s support has come from and what they’re relying on as a party is the ssue of immigration, and they’ve made it out as the problem that people face in their lives. That’s the problem: immigration is the risk to your life. In reality, it’s just not. It’s not the problem with housing; we need to build more house. It’s not the problem with schools; we need more funding. It’s not the problem with the NHS; we don’t need private contracts, we need more funding. Those are individual problems which the green party is prepared to deal with, and not attach them to one specific issue.

Shawkat: I’m not saying that I disagree with Ukip on immigration, I’m saying I disagree on marketing.

Rob: But that marketing is exactly what’s led to you being the third biggest party in the UK. I think worrying about democracy in the EU is a genuine worry to have, but he’s completely bought into the marketing campaign, he’s said yes let’s fucking go for it and completely gone for it for two years and it’s got him what he wanted.

Shawkat: He’s also saying ‘enough now’.

Rob: Enough now! A week before the election when he’s got 15% of the vote! It’s easy for him to say that now! I spoke to a woman in Jesmond who thinks that immigration is a problem. She lives in fucking Jesmond! Farage is saying a week before the election that he wants to move on, but he’s already got Miriam’s vote.

Sam: Do you think there are too many immigrants in this country?

Shawkat: Yes. NO. [The room dissolves into laughter.] I’m allowed to think about it! I think they’re coming too quickly.

Sam: Guys I really need to go to work.

QUICKLY: TUITION FEES. Sam: It’s a shame they’re so high but…

Rob: OH WELL WHAT A SHAME. Sam: We essentially have a graduate tax now anyway, it’s free at the point of entry, I think it works, it reflects the levels of people going to university. It’s unsustainable, it won’t last forever, but it’s working at the moment. Sadly that was all the time we had.

You’ve all made you minds up on fees anyway.

22.fashion

Tuesday 5 May 2015

The Courier

Fashion Editors: Amy O’Rourke and Hannah Fitton Online Fashion Editor: Hannah Goldstein

Norm-­ bore?

Tessa Jones

Normcore: the trend that is so plain and boring, it’s working

Time to flare it up

As the iconic 70s trouser makes a comeback, Ellen Dixon shows us how to rock the classic shape this spring

D

efined as the anti-style, Normcore’s sudden emergence on to the fashion scene in 2014 proved incredibly popular. In a rejection of obvious labelling, the normcore style adopts a very non-descript, subtle look - think dark denim, plain jersey sweaters and sloganless t shirts.

Devised by American marketing agency K-Hole the term ‘normcore’ was created in their trend forecasting report in 2013 with the intention of representing a feeling of “liberation in being nothing special”. In a business that thrives off creativity, the normcore trend is a bid to look ‘normal’ amongst a sea of bright colours, funky patterns and innovative cuts.

For an unpretentious, subtle and low-key look, normcore is most definitely the trend you need to be adopting. The outfits may look plain and not styled, but a lot of thought can be put in to not standing out, with Fruit of the Loom and Gap being two of the most recognisable brands for the trend. You may be thinking the look is just perhaps a scapegoat for people who you may see as unfashionable, but the trend is actually a fully conscious rejection of the need to be distinguished by your clothes – undistinguished is in. There is a display of strong inner-confidence in appearing anonymous on the surface, allowing your personality to ultimately define who you are and not allowing your clothes to give the first impression. You know who you are and what you‘re about, but that’s for other people to find out for themselves.

“The normcore trend is a bid to look ‘normal’ amongst a sea of bright colours, funky patterns and innovative cuts” Fast fashion gives consumers a different look almost daily, with newer and wackier trends popping up constantly and normcore seems to be a response to this, with the clothes associated with it being consistent and dependable. It’s a favourite with people who want to dress for comfort and practicality but still appear quite ‘put together’.

Trainers are so much easier to get through your day in than heels – but make sure we can’t tell where you bought them from.

However, the style has not only been adopted for the retail market and normcore can be seen within the runway shows themselves. Karl Lagerfeld orchestrated his Chanel AW 2014 show in the form of a high-fashion supermarket. Although the items were adorned with subtle double ‘C’ logos and the outfits weren’t exactly shy and retiring, what’s more normal than going to do your weekly shop at Tesco?

According to Richard Nicoll, creative director of Jack Wills, normcore says “I have soul and intelligence.

I’m unique and I don’t need to shout about it”. It would now seem in the fashion world that everyone is trying to ostentatiously outdo their stylish peers and exhaust themselves in their quest to be noticed but, what’s wrong with just wanting to blend in?

Light denim flares, Topshop Dark denim flares, Topshop Patterned flares, Band of Gypsies

N

othing screams seventies style, Joni Mitchell, sepia tinged photographs, like a pair of flared jeans. And this year they have moved from catwalk to high street, so are they here to stay?

Personally, for a long time flares just didn’t appeal to me. The last time they were as “in” as they are now, I was far too young to appreciate their charm.

This time, I was sceptical because the women that were wearing them, Millie Mackintosh and Karlie

Kloss for example, are probably double my height, and have riduculously long legs. Not only this, but I’m so attached to my black skinnies that it would feel like I was cheating. But having tried a pair of flares, I can vouch for the fact they are extremely flattering, not to mention versatile.

They make your legs look longer which is just always great, and the high waist made for a really nice silhouette. You will see most girls on the street wearing a pair of skinnies, which is fine, skinny

jeans are obviously the most versatile item you can own. But if you want to try something new, suffice to say flared jeans are the way to go, and they’ll gain you all the right attention.

To add to this, if I havent sold them to you already, they are selling at Topshop for the same price as any other pair of jeans, around £40. So here are a few ways to style them for different occasions, day and night.

Return of the shit shirt Connor McDonnell unbuttons the garish trend that’s so uncool, it’s cool

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all them ‘loud’, call them ‘edgy’, you have a better idea of what to name them than I do. They’re so uncool, that you can pass them as cool.

They spouted from the rave culture of the late 80s/early 90s, with garish patterns and neon colours. These shirts are ubiquitous in charity shops, going for single-digit prices, getting snapped up by courageous, or crazy, second-hand punters.

But, like all things good, the big name highstreet shops have caught on and capitalised, inflating their prices to the twenty to thirty quid mark.

Two examples of this include Topman, and their collaboration with We Are Cow, as well as Urban Outfitters’ Urban Renewal. These resellers are attempting to bridge the gap between their commercialism and the thrifty ethic of frugality, yet with their overly expensive prices, in comparison to their charity shop counterparts.

However, there is some originality involved in the sale of printed shirts. Brands such as New Look and H&M have taken it upon themselves to make their own clustered editions of these tasteful treats. These more expensive, retailed shirts are innocuously awful, taking these minimalist abstract prints and encumbering them with meaningless insignias, such as a bizarre nautical theme, or some unidentifiable birds.

There is a valiant effort to reproduce these iconic

shirts, but they are damn ugly.

The ultimate answer boils down to the paradox of conforming to be a non-conformist. There is no longer an autonomy with what we regard as individual style; even ‘hipster’ has become a trend. It isn’t only the Topman x We Are Cow collaboration or Urban Renewals’ quest for glamorising ‘vintage’; even Urban Outfitters’ main clothing lines have made it, in my eyes, a shop of stagnancy seeping in to the swanky.

“There is no longer an autonomy with what we regard as individual style; even ‘hipster’ has become a trend” The notion of retrospect in fashion has been monopolised. What we held as heritage, the clothes we attach to a defining culture, to a certified image, are now sold back to us as, apparently, new products. It is the title ‘vintage’ that seems to be so appealing to buyers. It seems that the modern marketing minds can brazenly brand a product vintage and it will be a sudden success.

Hypothetically, if you saw these gaudy garms on a rail, next to the Hype tees, with a label proclaiming that this is New Stock, and a thirty pounds price tag, would you even touch them with a shitty stick?

The Courier

fashion.23

Tuesday 5 May 2015

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Let me take a selfie Grace Brown GLVFXVVHV ZKHWKHU WKH VHO¿ H LV DQ DVVHW WR WKH IDVKLRQ world, or a vanity-­fuelled attempt to pump up the follower count

S

elfie was the Oxford English Dictionary’s 2013 word of the year, Instagram has over 300 million users, Kim Kardashian’s releasing a book full of them, and I love them.

Not only are they brilliant for fashion inspiration with sites like Tumblr being full of street style and fashion bloggers who snap a few #OOTDs (that’s outfit of the day for those of you less savvy) and share them with their thousands of followers but they’re also one of the only ways women can reclaim their bodies whilst showing off about feeling good about themselves. When people dismiss selfie culture as vain and unimportant they’re ignoring that fact that across society as a whole women and girls are taught that they’re not good enough; they’re too tall, too short, too fat, too slim. Teenage girls and young women combat this by taking pictures of themselves when they feel good, so who cares if your newsfeed is full of them? Admittedly, selfie culture is still seeking validation through the approval from others; if you end up relying on how many likes a photo of yourself gets to feel good about yourself, your self esteem could plummet if that picture of in your new dress doesn’t get any.

But they’re also a way to love yourself for who you

are.

For hundreds of years male artists have been painting portraits of kings and carving statues of naked women for their own satisfaction, yet when women subvert the male gaze and want to celebrate their beauty themselves they’re laughed at for being vain. On Twitter, trends like #SELFIEARMY see women tweet pictures of their good hair days to be favourited by users across the world. Some see this as celebrating vanity but I see it as a way to celebrating women themselves; the #SELFIEARMY timeline isn’t trying to make you feel bad that you’re not a size 6, or don’t have hair as shiny as hers, but is showing an array of women who feel confident and beautiful in their own skin, encouraging other women to feel confident in their own. Selfies also allow marginalised groups to feel good about themselves in ways that fashion weeks around the world and advertisements fail to do: People of Colour, trans people, and those who wear plus sizes can share their images in order to increase their esteem and visibility in mainstream culture.

We live in a society where even Beyonce photoshops thigh gaps for herself and meal replacement

diet drinks call women who complain about bodyshaming adverts “sympathisers for fatties.” Selfie culture combats this and they’re a vital act of selflove: a way of celebrating yourself for who you are.

Blogger, Sara Macauley

Going swimmingly well With summer swiftly approaching Phoebe-­Claire Bower shows us which swimsuits we should plunge into our purses for

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Topshop, £34

fter the heatwave that hit the UK last week, I can declare that the summer season is officially here. Although that does mean the exam period is in full swing, I’ve got the perfect way to avoid studying and completing that final assessment. Swimwear shopping.

A big part of the summer is going on holiday.

Whoever it may be with, either with family or friend, from home or from uni, and to wherever, hot or cold, Ibiza or Cornwall, it is something to look forward to.

It is not all palm trees and sunglasses, however.

The six months before we hit Gatwick in a flurry, the media bombard us with images of the Perfect Body and articles advising “How to lose that Winter Weight”, the summer diet plan. People want to look perfect. According to every fashion magazine in the world, perfect is a size 6 in a triangle biki-

Topshop, £50

ni without underwire, with a golden tan, beachy waves and no makeup.

Well, not anymore. There has been a wave of new styles flattering whatever shape you are. If you aren’t a bikini fan, then you do not have to wear that dull Speedo swimming costume you feel obligated to accessorise with a pair of goggles and swimming hat.

The swimming costume is becoming rather sexy this season, in the form of the plunge. The plunge is perfect way to flash a little bit of flesh without making yourself uncomfortable by flashing the flesh. Covering the stomach, the neckline provides a sneak peak at the chest, giving you that edge. This tropical print costume from Topshop has the ultimate plunge neckline, and with its funky pattern it is bound to turn heads on the beach.

Then there is the cut-out. The cut-out is genius, a

Lucy Snowden

It seems high fashion isn’t just for the grown up’s, as baby Beckham takes her seat on the frow

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“Some see this as celebrating vanity but I see it as a way to celebrating women themselves”

Topshop, £30

Oh, Baby Baby

Topshop, £36 modest style with a twist. Rather than giving everything away, they tease. Showing off the sides of your abdomen, the hips or the back, they are the perfect choice for those who do not feel comfortable with revealing all. This simple navy cut-out by Topshop is the perfect investment.

Another swim wear trend that has been extremely popular over the last couple of years is retro.

High-waisted bikini bottoms have the ultimate ‘5os vibe, whilst been extremely flattering as they suck in your tummy. This gorgeous swimsuit with scalloped detailing from Topshop is the ideal ‘50s costume which has been brought up to date with the monochrome pattern.

Finally, there are lots of lovely patterned bikinis out this summer too, and this sequined flowery printed number by Topshop is gorgeous and very unique. So happy shopping.

e all have our favourite celebrity fashion icon, whether you like to channel Victoria Beckham’s sharp tailored look, emulate Kim Kardashian in skin tight skirts or prefer Katie Holmes’s laid back yet chic style – but what about their kids? It seems recently they’ve been taking up more column inches than their famous mums and rightly so, high fashion is no longer just for the yummy mummies of Hollywood.

Suri Cruise’s street style is often caught on camera and when she’s rumoured to be starting up her own fashion brand, maybe we should sit back and start taking note. Rocking the bowler hat trend fiercely and adding a matching scarf, this girl knows how to coordinate. Katie Holmes’s daughter is definitely one to watch, maybe leave your favourite teddy at home though…

When her mum is a top fashion designer, it’s no surprise that Harper Beckham has a wardrobe to die for and gets as much as tabloid attention as Victoria. Harper is very much at home on the FROW as she sits curled up on daddy Beckham’s lap, gazing at her mother’s latest collection trotting down the catwalk. Also, as she is perched next to the infamous Anna Wintour, let us not forget that she has the best seat in the house.

There’s something quite sophisticated about this

“Harper is very much at home on the FROW as she sits curled up on daddy Beckham’s lap” look – considering Harper’s grand old age of three – a classic trench coat teamed with this season’s gingham trend is sweet but easily transformed into an outfit suitable for us too. Looking very relaxed, she shows us how to do casual chic, but we’d maybe give her cute plimsolls a miss and swap them for a more grown up Chelsea boot.

If you ever wanted ski style inspiration, look no further than North West. Our hearts melted when we saw a snap of her on the slopes in an all black ensemble. Obviously Kim has taught her well, as she is so famous for her tonal coloured outfits, and the fur hood not only adds glamour but an extra dose of the cute factor too. North coordinates with her mum (surprise surprise) to be the most stylish skiers in resort. But as with all ski gear, approach this look with caution, there’s a fine line between ticking off trends and becoming the Michelin Man. Also, let’s not forget that image that has been splashed all over Instagram, and been the source of endless memesNo r t h We s t looking every bit the d i v a w it h her fur coat balanced perfectly on her itsy witsy shoulders, hand in the air, complete with Charlotte Olympia pumps.

24.beauty

Tuesday 5 May 2015

The Courier

Beauty Editors: Charlotte Davies and Charlotte Maxwell Online Editor: Kathy Davidson

The best of beauty

Beauty boxes: what’s all the hype?

Flo Davies discusses the beauty box market and whether we should bother investing

Kathryn Holland gives us her top tips on protect-­ ing your skin from sun damage

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ast week, for the first time all year, I didn’t wear a coat whilst walking to the library! It meant one thing…. Summer is on its way!

Although I’ve always been more of a fan of winter clothes and fashions, I love, love, love having a natural, glowing tan.

I’m one of those fortunate people who uses SPF 15 and never really burns. When I was younger I even used SPF 5 oil a few times. I was under the impression that you had to be pale or had lots of moles to be in danger of getting skin cancer. This of course is not the case. Last year, a dear friend of mine went to the doctor with a mole that had changed appearance; it turned out to be a form of melanoma. Fortunately, he had gone to the doctors as soon as the mole had begun to change in appearance and had caught it early. It was something I never expected to happen. The previous summer a friend and I had met him in Milan during his cycle across Europe. His skin was glowing and he looked so healthy, not a patch of burnt skin in sight. When he told me of his diagnosis it really woke me up to the dangers of not looking after your skin properly whilst out in the sun.

Lots of sunscreen out there feels very greasy.

I’m perfectly happy rubbing it into my body but, as someone who has quite sensitive skin which is prone to spots, I prefer something that is lighter and specifically designed for the skin on your face.

Luckily there are tonnes of products out there which cater to this need:

Maybelline Balm Skin Protector If you’re a BB cream convert Maybelline have recently brought out their Dream Fresh 8-in-1 Balm Skin Protector. It has a SPF of 30 and no scent which is perfect for people with sensitive skin. It absorbs quickly and leaves skin looking hydrated, bright and smoother instantly. You can get it in the shops for around £10.00.

bareSkin Brightening serum

Glossybox Beauty Box

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illed with five makeup, hair and skin care products from top brand collaborators including Burberry beauty and Essie, Glossybox is packaged with love by in-house beauty experts, and delivered to your doorstep every month. What is great about Glossybox is that not only are the beauty products scouted from all over the world (including Paris, Milan, Tokyo, New York), they work with a team of 150 beauty enthusiasts working to source the best products. Each monthly GlossyBox has a particular theme, with April’s lavish collector’s edition taking us back to the golden age of Hollywood, inspired by those timeless trends from decades ago which still continue to be emulated today.

Glossybox always include a generous amount of full sized products and the total value always beats the actual monthly subscription cost so it’s a great affordable way to discover products from well-known and new brands. If you want an all round beauty/skincare box of goodies, this is

Monthly subscription is £10.00 Plus £3.25 P&P No. of Products in the Box –5 items

Love Lula Beauty Box

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he April Love Lula Beauty Box has landed and this month see’s another refreshing line up, perfect for spring. What sets this beauty box apart from the rest is that Love Lula brings together a selection of the world’s finest natural and organic beauty products. Their brands are handpicked and tested: products are created using only ethically sourced natural and organic ingredients. They insist on no parabens and no animal testing. Unlike Glossybox, Love Lula tends to feature predominately more body and skincare products as opposed to beauty so will suit those looking to experiment more with skincare. One of the aspects I really like about Love Lula is that they always include a mixture of products from both well-known and emerging brands so they’ll always be something new to try. If you love organic, natural and crueltyfree products or want to detoxify your beauty regime with a more skin friendly alternative this is definitely a box you don’t want to miss out on.

Monthly subscription is £12.50 including P&P No. Of Products in the Box – 8

Birchbox

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hilst spring has sprung, the limited addition Tatler birchbox has arrived: Birchbox have partnered with the society magazine to celebrate the best of British.

This box really puts some of the great products from all around the UK in the limelight and brings together a selection of the best of the British picks.

It’s obvious that Birchbox is a good one to opt for as it receives vast reviews in the press, from InStyle, Grazia, Bazaar and the Guardian, with the Guardian claiming that “if you love receiving parcels in the post, and are partial to new beauty products, Birchbox is the subscription for you”. Similarly, like Glossybox and Love Lula, Birchbox includes in-box cards, as well as online information for tips and tutorials on how to get the most out of your boxed products.

If you like the idea of unexpected monthly collaborations then try out Birchbox.

Monthly subscription is £10.00 Plus £2.95 P&P No. of Products in the Box – 7 items

Beauty and the Ball: Hair Philly Russell shares her top 3 step by step hairstyles for the perfect summer ball look

If you prefer a foundation, last year bareMinerals launched their first ever mineral foundation and skincare serum in one. bareSkin Pure Brightening Serum Foundation SPF20 is an ultra-thin, skinperfecting fluid which provides you with a natural finish and the look and feel of beautiful skin. Plus it’s award winning! Pick it up for £26.00.

Shiseidos Urban Enviroment Cream Of course if you want a sun screen that has no colour in it so your face can absorb those rays try Shiseidos Urban Environment UV Protection Cream Plus SPF50. The feather light liquid provides your skin with loads of hydration and protects it from harmful aggressors such as UVA/UVB rays that can cause melanoma and skin-ageing, dryness and air pollution. It is invisible on your skin and can be used as a makeup base for a great foundation finish. Available at feelunique.com for £31.00.

La Roche Posay’s Melt-­In Cream

If the Shiseidos a little out of your price range check out La Roche Posay’s Anthelios Melt-In Cream SPF 50. It helps to reduce the appearance of skin-induced dark spots. It’s easy to apply and has a lovely weight finish which is non-greasy. Another plus is that it’s water resistant so it’ll stay on even after a dip in the pool.

Of course, there’s more to staying safe in the sun that just using sunscreen, but it’s a good start.

I

ts that time of year again to get out of your trackies and slippers and whack on your party dress and dancing shoes. Formal/ball season is here so I put together some super quick and easy hairstyles perfect for any formal occasion.

The first one is a personal favourite of mine because it looks impressive but requires limited work.

I would say this is good for medium or long hair as you need quite a lot of hair to make the french plaits. To begin with you need straight-ish hair, maybe a day old hair, not freshly washed because you don’t want it to be too slippy. Then brush the hair and section at the parting in the middle and again into two sections to create an half-up-halfdown style, so four sections in total . Take the first top section and begin to french plaiting from the front, making sure they are tight to the hair and plait in the direction away from the face. Secure

the plait with a hair band/ hair grip just past the ear. Went I do this hairstyle I like to use small clear hair bands to secure the hair as they aren’t blucky, are really subtle and will keep the plaits in place all night. I think I have gone through about a million of the ASOS No More Snags Hair Ties (£3.00). Repeat on the other side. Finish with a light spray of hair spray. My fave is the Fudge Urban Iced Raspberry & Vanilla Hair Spray (£4.99).

The next one is a simple and sleek pony tail, ideal for long hair. Begin with spraying a heat protector evenly all over the hair, I recommend the TRESemmé Heat Defence Styling Spray (£4.99).

Then straighten. Take all the hair back into a high pony tail, brushing through to prevent any bumps.

Secure with a hair band. Take a small strand of hair from the ponytail and wrap it around the hair band so as to hide the band, and secure with a hair grip. Finish with a spray of hair spray. This hair-

style is great if you don’t want any maintenance throughout the night and if you may get a bit hot and sweaty, this style means all your hair is up and out of your face.

Finally, this one is for you short hair girls who want a relaxed and beach-esque look. Start by using a volumising mousse at the roots before blowdrying your hair. I love the TIGI Catwalk Lightweight mousse (£12.15). Once the hair is dry apply heat protection. Using a wide barrel hair curling wand, I would suggest the BaByliss 2285CU Curling Wand Pro (£25.00), start to add some loose curls. Try not to hold the hair for on the wand for too long and avoid curling all the way to the end to prevent super tight curls. Once the whole head is curl run your fingers through your hair to break up the curls. To finish add a light spray of salt spray to add a textured appearance. The best I have tried is the Bumble and Bumble Surf Spray (£21.50).

The Courier

beauty.25

Tuesday 5 May 2015

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Pimp my partner in crime Lucy Cochrane gives her best friend Fiona the jail breaker of make overs

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decided to give my beautiful friend Fiona a make-over as she never wears too much make-up and therefore wanted to experience the full works. I wanted to create a dramatic look, yet something that is still wearable for evening glamour.

On moisturised skin, I applied my favourite L’Oréal True Match foundation. True Match is great if, like Fiona, you have pretty perfect skin as it has a really light texture although it can be built up if you need it. I then used Collection’s Lasting Perfection concealer in the lightest shade and applied this underneath the eyes for a brightening effect.

Then, taking the medium shade of this concealer, I concealed any blemishes or redness and blended everything out with a beauty blender. To set this I used Maybelline’s The Matte Maker powder under the eyes and then set the entire face with Rimmel’s Lasting Finish 25hr powder foundation for extra coverage and to keep everything in place.

“This highlighter is amazing as it gives a really natural glow which is not at all glittery and you can select which shades to use or blend them all together”

For brows, I kept things natural and used a medium brown shade- ‘Brown Down’- by Mac on an angled brush, following the natural shape of Fiona’s brows. I then used a little of Maybelline’s Brow Drama to set.

As an eye shadow base, I used Maybelline’s Colour Tattoo in On and on Bronze which will help the shadow last and most importantly, not crease.

Although there are a lot of palettes going on here, you could keep things more convenient with just one to achieve the same kind of look. I recommend Stila’s In The Light palette which is full of a variety of shimmery shades with great pigmentation.

For this look, I used my current favourite shadow‘Wood-Winked- by Mac which is such a beautiful golden bronze shade. It has the prettiest shimmer and creates a soft brown tone as it blends into the crease as it blends into the crease which is great as

Before

it which means you only have to use one shadow.

However, to smoke things up a bit, I used the shame shade I used on Fiona’s brows in the crease and outer corner for a more dramatic effect. I then took a bright golden shade- ‘Half Baked’ from my Naked 2 palette- and placed this on the centre of the lid for even more shimmer. I then used my much-loved highlight shade ‘Kitten’ from Stila, and applied this under the brow bone and in the inner corner to brighten. For eyeliner I used Collection’s Fast Stroke and traced a thin line on the top lashes for definition. I used Urban Decay’s 24/7 Glide-On eye pencil in the shade Stag, a rich brown colour, on the waterline. For mascara I used Revlon’s Grow Luscious Lash Potion on curled lashes.

I finished the skin using L’Oréal’s Glam Bronze in the shade 00 Blonde Sun which gives the effect of a really natural tan due to its warm, golden tone. I used this on the temples, nose, cheekbones, and jawline for an all over glow. On the cheeks I used Sleek’s blush in the shade Rose Gold, a pretty peach colour with subtle golden shimmer running through it which really compliments the eyes. Finally I used Revlon’s Highlighting Palette in the shade 030 Bronze Glow on the tops of the cheeks for an extra boost. This highlighter is amazing as it gives a really natural glow which is not at all glittery and you can select which shades to use or blend them all together. It is also really similar to the shimmer bricks from Bobbi Brown for around a third of the price.

I lined Fiona’s lips using Collection’s Lip Definer in Damson for a really dark, vampy effect which goes great with the lipstick I chose to use: Dark Side by Mac, my favourite for this kind of look as it goes great with the golden eye and bronzed skin.

After

Best beauty reads Flo Davies on her favourite blog Vivianna Does Makeup

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nna Gardner, founder and editor of her blog ‘Viviannadoesmakeup.com’, accompanied by her YouTube channel ‘ViviannaDoesMakeup’ is a clear beauty guru sensation.

Winner of the Cosmopolitan award for Best New Beauty Blog 2011, Anna provides both her viewers and readers with a daily dose of wit and sophisticated charm that chronicles both her beauty yays and neighs.

Both her blog and YouTube channel produce a variety of content which spans from honest product reviews and recommendations to what to pack in your make up bag, her beauty knowledge is impeccable. Seeing a beauty product being used by a regular 25 year old, as opposed to a celebrity gracing the pages of Vogue, gives you a much more honest portrayal of how the product will perform.

Gardner gives an insight into the latest products that have graced the catwalk before they even hit the shelves. Personally, the highlight of last month was a behind the scenes look at Burberry during London Fashion Week and a SS14 tutorial: A preview of the beauty look created by Artistic Consultant Wendy Rowe which makes us believe that for a split second we can achieve a somewhat similar resemblance and flourish like the English rose that is Cara Delevingne.

Anna’s most popular videos, ‘Monthly favorites’ features the products she has lusted over and her smooth transition in departing from delicate nude summer bases to effortless autumnal make up trends that explains what Red toned shadows to incorporate with that berry lip in her discussion of the texture, undertones and finishes of her vast collection of lipsticks. Who knew about the difference between a sheer raspberry Red, a semi matte zero maintenance Orange and rouge-toned hues!

Whatever you are interested in, Anna, the beauty connoisseur provides you with daily must-reads and her accompanying YouTube channel gives a captivating insight into the beauty community.

Lips like Jenner Ellen Walker discusses how problematic the Kylie Jenner lip challenge really is

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t all started with a couple of posts on Instagram and spiralled into an uncontrollable obsession. Kylie Jenner’s ‘selfies’ were a huge talking point in the media a few months back, when speculations of the seventeen year old having lip fillers were flying around.

While her selfies truly were gorgeous, it was undeniable (proved by several ‘before and after’ shots in the press) that Kylie’s lips had almost doubled in size over the recent months. Having battered the claims of surgery, Kylie protested that this was all down to the clever use of make-up, and temporary lip enhancing tools: this is where the problem started. Kylie’s lips were world famous, and the hashtag ‘kyliejennerlipchallange’ started trending on Twitter. New specially designed ‘lip plumpers’ were released all over the internet and in beauty stores, these are specially designed plastic tubes that you place around your lips and suck on; causing increased blood flow to the lips as well as a rush of hormones and therefore causing them to swell and enlarge. The effects tend to only last a few hours, however, recent ‘DIY’ attempts at the trend have left people’s lips oversized for a matter of days, and many have been left with far more permanent results.

As these lip enhancers cost anywhere between

£20 and £50, teens everywhere started looking for a cheaper solution to their lip troubles and began to use shot glasses, bottle caps and all manner of different objects to attempt to enhance their lips.

“More and more people upload their photos and videos of attempts up into social media every day and contribute to the spread of this ridiculous challenge; there are even Instagram accounts which request that people attempt the challenge and send in their videos to post onto the page” This, however, came at a serious cost. There are now thousands of photos and videos uploaded to the internet under #kyliejennerlipchallenge, with evidence of just how wrong this can go, kids have been left with horrendous bruising all around their face, extremely sore skin and lips as well as even drawing blood. This not only looks terrible, but

can be extremely painful and can lead to permanent damage and scaring of the lip and skin tissue.

So many teens have now come forward after their bad experiences and shocking photos to plea with people to stop attempting the challenge, but sadly the craze continues.

More and more people upload their photos and videos of attempts up into social media every day and contribute to the spread of this ridiculous challenge; there are even Instagram accounts that have been set up in the name of this cause and request that people attempt the challenge and send in their videos to post onto the page.

Both Kylie herself and her current ‘beau’ Tyga have begged for anyone involved or encouraging this behaviour to stop, however, Kylie herself continues to post photos of herself with her now trademark ‘trout pout’ still on full form and largely enhanced. This continues to set a dangerous example for all her teen followers by promoting unnatural and unrealistic body images and expectations.

As much as we can all dream of having naturally luscious lips, I think it’s safe to say we should stick with our own set of smackers and maybe a slick of lippy and call it a day at that.

Kylie Jenner //@kyliejenner

Marley Hannah //@itsmhl

26.arts

Monday 27 April 2015

The Courier

Arts Editors: Lucy Chenery and Becka Crawshaw Online Arts Editor: Jess Harman

The Late Shows returns

Maria-­Magdalena Manolova eagerly awaits Tyneside’s comeback to the annual Museums at Night campaign

Holly Argent digs for gold Beyond the Goldmine Standard

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eyond the Goldmine Standard is a wonderful example of how appropriation within a ‘fan-made’ context can collectively leave an impression beyond the vinyl scene.

You no longer need to dig for that golden oldie in the record store racks, when you can have a piece of original appropriation in your mits (terrible puns – I apologise).

Matthew Hearn’s ‘evolving exhibition’ releases artist-remodelled LPs and EPs whom were invited

by Matthew himself to choose one record of their choice and freely re-design or alter it in some way.

They are then to be displayed in RPM record store (Newcastle). To coincide with Record Store Day 20 of these were released on the day and since then 30 more will be released between 6th April and 16th May in stages.

The choice of record was clearly an important one: for example Oliver Beck chose Elvis Presley’s The Sun Collection; Graham Dolphin, The Police’s Synchronicity; Annie O’Donnell, Joni Mitchell’s The Hissing of Summer Lawns; and Toby P Lloyd, Roxy Music’s Flesh+Blood. From speaking to artist and publisher Joss Humberstone on his choice of record, ‘The Mic Sounds Nice’ byMeet Jon Doe (feat MF DOOM) , it was great to hear about the personal connection between the city’s artists and Newcastle’s music scene, and specifically RPM. Joss Humberstone bought the record “as a teenager looking for hip-hop kinda stuff... [and] even though it had next to no cover art I chose it on the basis that it was in the shop, by RPM’s choosing.

I listened to a hell of a lot of MF Doom after that, buying the LPs MM…Food and Doomsday, again from RPM”.

“Utilising the power of the retrospective-gaze as a curatorial concept, it explores the impact artists’ work has on the popularity of vinyl”

Utilising the power of the retrospective-gaze as a curatorial concept, it explores the impact artists’ work has on the popularity of vinyl. It’s refreshing to see that ‘fine artist’ status doesn’t appear to be an affecting factor for this project either. Its not just in the quality of sound why vinyl is, and was so popular, hence the reference to a future where record are not solely graded by the ‘goldmine standard’ used by record collectors but in huge efforts put into the artwork to make them perfectly formed, beautiful objects.

Its interesting to think of these objects increasing in some form of value with the artists’ touch (each altered record is now priced at £50). It goes back to age-old topic of how we view rarefied objects and common objects - in this case a record (which before the CD era everyone would’ve had racks of) is a common one turned into a unique, singular, rare one. Evolving into more personal objects, its often the hand-touched nature of these appropriated things that makes them that much more appealing.

There is going to be a closing event at RPM on Saturday 16 May for the ever-anticipated Late Shows of Newcastle and Gateshead where arts and cultural venues host events and stay open after hours (15 and 16 May) to encourage people to explore the cultural opportunities within the city.

Image: Holly Argent

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don’t even know where to start from – “The Late Shows” seems that amazing! Basically, it’s a weekend (15 and 16 May) dedicated to art and culture in Newcastle and Gateshead and as its name implies, it starts in the evening. Have I mentioned that it’s free? Free entry and free sightseeing buses that will take you from moonbased exhibitions through dance works and biscuit-making to performances from the country’s only all-female mariachi band. I’ll assume that I’ve already talked you into going.

The Late Shows is Tyneside’s response to the annual Museums at Night campaign. It’s much more than just visiting museums though. Its main idea is to encourage young people to (re)discover art and culture in their different forms that can be seen locally. And it’s in the evening and at night, because the opportunity to indulge our art curiosity until the small hours is definitely exciting.

Historically speaking, the first Late Shows took place in 2007 with only 14 venues in its schedule. It gained so much popularity that last year you could visit up to 50 venues, and 2015 event series looks even more promising with its 62 arts events. Its or-

ganisers describe it as “cultural tapas”, from which everybody can choose what they are really passionate about. I already know which venue is going to be my favourite one: The Biscuit Factory. Showing

“Its organisers describe it as ‘cultural tapas’, from which everybody can choose what they are really passionate about”

our love of biscuits and hopefully some kind of design skills, we’re given the opportunity to create new biscuits by mixing different flavourings and shapes that may get to their afternoon tea menu.

They promise us freshly baked biscuits whose smell and taste I can imagine while writing this.

Another biscuit-y venue in the programme, The Holy Biscuit, attracts visitors not only with the icecream provided, but also with their light-based 8 minutes and 20 seconds exhibition. Scientists will know.

For poetry lovers, the Late Shows offers a Poem and Wii Scrabble challenges in Newcastle City Library. Also, there’s a poetry and story reading in St Dominic’s Priory. Those who are interested in history will definitely find nostalgia-inducing venues such as the new gallery Bessie Surtees House (pictured above) and St Mary’s Heritage Centre. While the first one takes us back to its 18th-century story, the latter offers travel in time to the 20th century and its music, games and fashion.

After all, we’re definitely familiar with some of the venues – the Baltic, the Laing Gallery, Hatton Gallery, System Gallery in Bar Loco, Newcastle City Library, Hancock Museum. So what makes the Late Shows so special is that it offers a great variety of engaging events there that teach the visitors a valuable lesson – art is not only about Mona Lisa that you look at from a physical and somehow cultural distance. Art can be accessible and fun!

Especially at 10 pm.

Officially, the Late Shows events start at 7, but the most impatient art lovers can go to the warm-up in Gateshead at 6. I hope I’ll see you in the crowd there.

&RQVFLHQFH DQG &RQÀ LFW British Artists and the Spanish Civil War James Brittain visits the Laing Art Gallery to see how artists have recorded, over time, crucial events during the Spanish Civil War

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andwiched between the First World War and the Second, the Spanish Civil War is inevitably overshadowed in terms of twentieth century European history.

Fought between General Franco’s Nationalists (who would go on to win the conflict) and the Republican forces who had recently established a democracy, few remnants of the Spanish Civil War survive in public memory in Britain. The war’s legacy emerges now and again - the Manic Street Preachers song ‘If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next’ takes its title from a poster on display in the exhibition, and the anti-Fascist slogan ‘¡No pasarán!’ (‘They shall not pass!’) was to be seen on several of the banners of those protesting against the arrival of far-Right group Pegida to Newcastle in February this year. With the last surviving British volunteer having died last year (thousands of volunteers from across Europe went to Spain to fight the Nationalists), the war is in danger of being lost to the pages of history.

Yet, in 1936 when the war broke out, it captured the conscience of a generation of British artists; it was a period in which the makers of art believed their work to be a weapon in its own right. The war became the stage upon which the emergent political ideologies of the era - Communism and Fascism - were to be fought out. Those who set their art against the Fascists in one way or another

reads like a roll call of some of the century’s most prominent intellectuals: Ernest Hemingway, Pablo Picasso, George Orwell, even Albert Einstein denounced the coup of General Franco. If asked to name a piece of art that emanated from the conflict, most would opt for Picasso’s mural ‘Guernica’, one of the most iconic paintings of the twentieth century. Its sister painting the ‘Weeping Woman’ is the main attraction of the exhibit at the Laing.

The small painting has great depth; it acts as an emblem of the suffering caused by the war and its consequences - it is alone worth the visit. The exhibit displays work from a multitude of artists, from the well-known to the practically forgotten.

Highlights include the poignant canvases of child prodigy Ursula McCannell, the premonition of war torn London by Walter Nessler, and the selection of emotive posters created in aid of promoting awareness of the struggle. The styles of work are as varied as the contributors: on display are canvases, photomontages, sketches, satires, and sculptures, to name but a few.

If the war is in danger of slipping from memory, the aim of Conscience and Conflict is to reverse such a possibility. The Spanish Civil War is perhaps unique in the fact that its history was catalogued not by its winners, but by the heartfelt mementos of its losers. And that - itself a significant piece of history - I think ought not to be forgotten.

The Courier

arts.27

Monday 27 April 2015

thecourieronline.co.uk/arts c2.arts@ncl.ac.uk | @CourierArts

Review: Shameless

Lucy Chenery visits Newbridge Projects PH Space and reviews an exhibition by Molly Bythell and Hannah Nespoli “By only looking at a small hameless, an exhibition by second year Fine Art students Molly Bythell and Hannah part of the body we look at Nespoli, was a pleasure to view. Walking it in a totally different light, into the Newbridge Project, a collective space in town of a book shop, exhibition spaces and stuappreciating the undulating dios, the atmosphere was lively and animated.

Surrounding the subject of a female model, the skin and abstract nature of artwork showcased the different ways in which the body out of context” both the artists responded; Nespoli concentrated

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on colourful painting while Bythell responded through minimalistic painting and sculpture.

The work had a harmonious contingency despite each work being a personal, original work.

After perusing the space I was compelled to have a closer look. A piece which stood out for me, by Nespoli, was a landscape painting of the female head and chest in vivid oils; the figure was lying down on her side while a forlorn expression veiled her face. Standing amongst my peers I overheard someone comment: “it’s amazing how she has created a recognisable image simply using colour”; I couldn’t agree more. The way in which Nespoli has created contours and shadows in the skin solely using colour is a skill that should be celebrated. The contrast between controlled, block colours in the background and the intimate, seductive relationship between colour in the foreground characterises her work. The brushstrokes merge seamlessly, creating a highly realistic yet abstract figurative piece. This was a very special painting.

Contrasting to this, Bythell’s painting is far more muted, toned down and quiet. Composed in a simplistic, yet beautiful way, she uses pastel colours to form the figure. Bythell’s work seems more melancholic in comparison to the bright colours of

What Falls Apart: Live Theatre

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hat Falls Apart truly brought into the balance the influence of British politics on the world, alongside its influence on individuals. The play opened in a barwith one troubled politician and one rather philosophical barman.

The mists of alcohol carried through the tale, as time ticked through the night so did the amount of alcohol consumed by all of the characters for rather different reasons. A mysterious woman, Venetia, appeared coy and subtly captivated by Labour MP, Tom Savage. She was keen to question the politician and it was later revealed that, she was in fact a mole for a well-known, controversial newspaper.

“An awe-inspiring piece of theatrical art”

Amongst the cocktail of lust for information and sympathy between these two, the barman was often overlooked- his name was repeatedly forgotten.

He spent many moments in endless, somewhat abstract monologue-like discourse with himself.

However, he continually stressed to his guests that he really needed someone to talk to - something that again was overlooked.

It was in the second half of this play that it became a defining and poignant piece of theatre. This manifested itself in the barman’s inner battles with the after math of being a soldier in the Iraq war came to life. While holding his guests hostage in a hotel room, we saw him unravel from being a subtle, deep thinking Buddhist to a broken man battling PTSD and wanting to be with his daughter.

Two voice recordings are played. The first at the end of the first act is his daughter singing ‘Three Blind Mice’ - a representation of what political decisions have done to three characters and the second at the end of the play ‘You are my sunshine’: the summarising point for a broken man in search of salvation.

Charlotte Maxwell

Nespoli’s work. Bythell’s paintings work brilliantly next to her sculptures. Created in the same body of colour, certain parts of the body were emphasised such as the backside, stomach and thigh. My favourite of the sculptures and a piece which received much attention was the work focusing on the thigh and midriff presented as a small resin form. Much to my interest, Bythell has concentrated our view on a part of the body which is typically obvious to us. However, in this case it seems alien, embryonic and vulnerable. By only capturing a small part of the body we look at it in totally different light, appreciating the undulating skin and the abstract nature of the body when shown out of context. Bythell succeeded in opening our eyes to the body in an authentic way; Bythell has made us think.

An obvious motif to assume from the exhibition would be female vulnerability and exploitation of the body but in my opinion the work seems to be a collaboratively brave and celebratory body of work about the beauty of the female form. Well worth a visit, the professional display of work was a pleasure to view. Hats off to the artists for a contemplative, well executed evening of figurative art.

Cyrano de Bergerac: Northern Stage

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orthern Stage’s stage one was packed for the second night of Cyrano de Bergerac the brilliantly entertaining tale of an unparalleled swordsman and wordsmith held back from wooing his lady love by his unfortunately large nose, the largest in France. A soldier by profession and a poet by nature, the hero of the piece is brought wonderfully to life by Nigel Barrett.

Directed by Lorne Campbell, and based on Anthony Burgess’s translation of the classic play by Edmund Rostand, the Royal & Derngate production mixes established actors who have the West End and Broadway on their CVs, with aspiring actors, including a former Northumbria graduate, Sisley Henning, who finds herself in her first professional production.

“A soldier by profession and a poet by nature, the hero of the piece is brought wonderfully to life by Nigel Barrett”

The cast are brilliant, with commendable performances from all, from John Paul Connolly as Le Bret to the leading man himself and the younger ensemble actors – Cath Whitefield in particular impresses as Roxanne, as her charisma is incredible.

The play is loosely based on the 1970s translation, but updated and refreshed for modern audiences – the bold direction of Lorne Campbell, coupled with Alasdair McRae’s musical stylings, give an old classic a fresh new twist for audiences who are already familiar with the tale. Early on in the play, Cyrano composes a poem mid-duel, and the actors go head-to-head on a pommel horse in a brilliant display of fast-paced action.

Iqra Choudhry

^broadside^: Bar Loco

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t seems nothing gets between an artist and their performance. So proved Heather Reid as she restrained from shouting her beautifully lyrical poem over the top of a doublebooked, crowded room of merry drinkers. The revellers dissipated (small relief) as Cathy Garner took to the lectern to deliver a series of short essays titled The META Lectures. They proved a thought provoking lesson, suffused with dry wit.

“A though-provoking lesson, suffused with dry wit”

So at home on stage and unfazed by a certain heckler, Ditte Elly lulled us with lilting melodies and expressive narratives; left us dazed. In a good way. Cathy then returned to the stage, this time seated rather more comfortably in an armchair, and regaled us with her tales of Ziggory Stott; wonderfully imaginative. She claimed nervousness and if this showed it only enhanced what was a charming performance.

Comprised of ^broadside^’s organisers Jayne Dent and Simon Clowes, Offred played us a succession of haunting loops and melancholy vocals.

Shivers down our spines we wondered what magic was at work. Whatever it was, it left us clamouring toward the merch table.

Charlie Dearnley followed. His spoken word talks of real life, imbued with complicated metaphor, weaving a narrative of the mundane. He elicits in his audience feelings of despondency yet we are not left feeling sad, only wishing he would speak some more. Caoilfhionn Rose’s piano playing and soft, evocative singing proved a wonderful conclusion to the evening.

The evening was a delight, the first of, I hope, many ^broadside^ sessions.

Charlotte Valetta

Accessible arts Jennifer Hopps wants some topiary art in her life

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it of a weird one this week chaps I’m afraid – living in the library and staring at my dissertation for days on end has started to take its toll on my mental state. In other words, I’m losing it (as you’ll soon see from this column). When I’m not at the library these days, I’m frantically trying to ‘do work’ to the ‘background noise’ of old Made in Chelsea episodes.

I’m currently in the middle of series two (having watched 4-6 first because they’re on Netflix) and Francis is dating Natalya. He’s trying to be inventive and for their third date – we all know what that means – they are doing some topiary.

And what a date that would be. I’m sorry Newcastle – much as I like your bars and restaurants, the generic ‘meal or drinks’ dates do get a tad dull.

(Never Sinners though – Sinners is always a good shout for any occasion). I don’t know about the rest of you boys and girls, but if someone asked me on a topiary date – especially someone as rich as Francis (joking, I think?) I would be over the moon.

Just picture it: both stood by a bench with a little shrub between you, carving it into a love-heart…

So romantic. Anyway. Sorry. Back to art. As it happens (and I didn’t really think this was true until I looked topiary up), shaping plants into ‘geometrical or fanciful’ (Wikipedia is just brilliant) shapes is an art form, as you’re making a type of living sculpture.

“The decision to become a topiarist has got to be a solid investment and planned way in advance” I don’t know how the people who specialise in topiary cope. Imagine it: first you have to spend about ten years growing a shrub into a bush – the decision to become a topiarist has got to be a solid investment and planned way in advance. Then, after you’ve waited for years, you have to spend days trying to clip and shape the darn thing until it faintly resembles something. Then, when you finally think it’s all over, a month later it’ll be ruined, grown out into a mad scribble.

Not for me I think. Someone who did decide topiary was for them, however, was Steve Manning, artist of Topiary Designs Ltd (I kid you not). This lad is so into it that he supplies pieces all over Europe and the USA. His strap-line: ‘why just have faeries in your garden?’ Why indeed Steve. Instead, I think I’d like an elephant the size of my house.

Can you do that?

On his website there is a picture of five elephants, walking behind one another in descending size order. And guess who happens to be photographed with them? Just Prince Charles and Camilla. So I’m guessing that these living sculptures cost a LOT of money. Much as I’d like an elephant in my garden, I’m not sure my student loan is going to cover it.

Shame. He does living sculptures, artificial ones and sculptures made out of willow and wicker. You could have bears roaring, dogs scampering, a dragon… and even a giant pig! If you’re loaded that is.

28.filmfeatures features

Tuesday 5 May 2015

The Courier

Film  Editors:  Rosie  Rosie  Bellini  &  David  Leighton Online  Editor:  George  Smith

Lights, Â camera, Â (live) Â action

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Breaking Dawn Part 2

n my eyes The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Part 2 is a masterpiece. Many, including myself, walked into the cinema upon its release in 2012 expecting yet more monotonous teen mock-gothic action, but they were so, so wrong. What they got instead was truly genius filmmaking which may never be repeated.

This film is overflowing with a brilliance that not everyone can recognise. Not only are there sadly outdated giant CGI wolves, but also hysterical scenes of super speed and slow motion action shots of Robert Pattinson doing flips. This film is indeed a work of art.

A truly iconic moment in cinema is when Taylor Lautner strips off in front of The Twilight Sagaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s most underrated character, Charlie Swann, Bellaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s cop dad. Jacob slowly peels off his clothes, with Charlie not quite knowing what to do with himself as the uncomfortable homoerotic tension washes over him. Although, before the pair can get too into it Jacob turns into a massive dog and Billy Burke begins to question the reason why heâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s even in this film.

A classic cinematic moment, and one of the best acting decisions I have ever witnessed, is definitely Aroâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s laugh upon seeing Bella and Edwardâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s weird vampire/human/who even knows kid (played by Interstellarâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s â&#x20AC;&#x153;MUUURRRRPPHHHâ&#x20AC;?). Michael Sheen delivers a laugh both incredible and downright disturbing, it is certainly one to rival Ralph Fiennesâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 2 which graced our screens just a year earlier.

Although, the reason why this is a true masterpiece is because of the ridiculously compelling and over-long fight sequence. The standoff itself lasts a mind boggling half an hour, around a quarter of the entire film, with the fighting lasting around ten minutes. Psychic Alice scolds Aro for never backing down before he goes into fight mode and rips off Carlisleâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s head, much to the horror of his family and friends. This incites a full scale war between the sparkly Cullen clan and co. and the still sparkly, but a little bit more badass Volturi. Heads are karate chopped from bodies, giant wolves are brutally slaughtered and Jamie Campbell Bowerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s head is ripped off at the mouth with a great shot of his waxy vampire skin slowly tearing.

Then one guy realises this has suddenly become stupid and opens up a cavern to the earthâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s molten core. Various folks fall to their deaths, but Edward is not one of them, he flies out of the cavern and does some more slow motion flips just for the hell of it. But then i t ends, this was not reality, but a dream invented

by Alice. Wow. It may seem like a silly teen movie, but The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Part 2 is actually a revelation, and a hell of a lot of fun to watch if you take it with a pinch of garlic.

Emma Allsopp

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is the season of live-action Disney adaptations: kicking off with Maleficent and Cinderella, Disney have got a few more of those in the books and are preparing to bring the magic back to the screens (Only with more celebrities and possibly CGI).

First up to bat will be The Jungle Book, scheduled for release this October. Based on Rudyard Kiplingâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s collection of short stories, the live action version of well-loved animated flick from 1967 will be directed by Jon Favreau. Its star-studded cast includes Bill Murray, Ben Kingsley, Scarlett Johansson, Idris Elba, and Christopher Walken.

Apparently, live action will be combined with CGI animals. Considering how animal-heavy Jungle Book is I expect Life-of-Pi-esque CGI quality, otherwise it just wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t be worth it. I have faith in Favreau and his design team, and after all if all else fails, Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ll watch it for Idris Elbaâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s undoubtedly knee-weakening growl as tiger Shere Khan. Silver linings.

Warner Bros. will be doing one too, titled, for whatever reason, Jungle Book Origins, and is also worth considering, especially since itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s going to be Andy Serkisâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; directorial debut and he plans to use the motion capture technology from The Hobbit.

If CGI fails, we have something to look forward to about a year later.

Beauty and the Beast is also in the pipeline, however much less is being said about it at this point.

Director Bill Condon, who we are unfortunately painfully aware of as being involved in the Twilight series, is directing the Disney one, while Gulliermo del Toro has just pulled out of the Warner Bros. one. However, Warner seem to be winning in regards to this pair as Emma Watson has been lined up for the role of Belle.

Another Maleficient-like villain-centric film is on the way in the face of Cruella. Glenn Close, who we know

and love as the iconic fur-obsessed lady from the live remake of 101 Dalmatians is involved with the project, even if itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s at a very early stage at this point.

The one that really got my blood boiling was Mulan, though. Perhaps I am a bit biased â&#x20AC;&#x201C; Mulan is my favourite Disney flick of all times and when I was young I used to watch it so many times that the mere mention of it was driving everyone in the family collectively insane. And then, bam, the Internet explodes with rumours that a white woman will be cast in the leading role of the live-action adaptation. My heart sank. To be honest, I wouldnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t put it past Disney at all â&#x20AC;&#x201C; look at what they did to The Lone Ranger with Johnny Depp â&#x20AC;&#x201C; however I do know that if that does happen the controversy will be massive. Movie industry is already severely lacking diversity, and Chinese actors and actresses who are not Jackie Chan rarely get to the limelight. If youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re going to do a story about one of the heroes of China, who fights the Huns to save China, centred around the very intrinsic traditions of China and heavily related to Chinese culture just to cast an American actress in it, well, then whatâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s the point of doing it at all?

Remakes are tough. They can be a double-edged sword and if youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re not careful they can turn around and kick you in the shins. Thereâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a reason why Maleficient didnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t do all that well boxoffice wise. When youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re rewriting a beloved childrenâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s classic, you have to find a fragile balance â&#x20AC;&#x201C; bring something new to it to make it appealing to a new audience and simultaneously stay as true as you can to the original story.

Fingers crossed that Disney will get it right this time.

Sub-­par  Wars:  fans  react /HQV Ă&#x20AC; DUH IDQDWLF - - $EUDPV GURSSHG D VHFRQG WUDLOHU IRU The  Force  Awakens /RQJ WLPH IDQV Rosie  Bellini,  Antonia  Velikova  David  Leighton  SHHN SLSH XS

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tar wars really sucks for women - well, every woman who isnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t Princess Leia. Leia fits the â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Badass Warrior Princessâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; trope perfectly by back-chatting Vader, adopting a no nonsense attitude to smuggler scoundrels, keeping her cool under torture and using her prowess with a blaster. But when we look at the wider universe itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s extremely problematic that the only women we donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t see as slaves or as dancers are Princess Leia, Mon Mothma and Aunt Beru - a grand total of three. Light speeding 22 years into the future youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d expect progress but Padame appears to serve more as a delicate ornament and a blaringly obvious plot device for Anakinâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s turn to the dark side than as a character in her own right. Star Wars 7, however, feels like it holds a lot more promise with Lupita Nyongâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;o, Gwendoline Christie, Christina Chong and Daisy Ridley all billed for inclusion. I want to see some badass female generals, pilots and phallic light saber duels with women who actually do stuff.

With the second trailer showing Leia taking hold of a light saber we might be in for some action.

hen I heard J.J.Abrams was going to be directing The Force Awakens, I wasnâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t particularly inspired. The first thing that came to mind was how he brutally whitewashed Khan in Star Trek and how I never got over it. The original Star Wars have also been subject to a lot of criticism regarding racial diversity. NonCaucasian people were either dying or completely missing, and all leading characters were white and by default conventionally attractive. Which is, admittedly, odd for a sci-fi series set in a â&#x20AC;&#x153;galaxy far, far away.â&#x20AC;? With The Force Awakens, we got John Boyega in the very first trailer and the Internet exploded with the news of the #BlackStormtrooper.

Some people seemed genuinely surprised that not everyone in the galaxy is white and speaks with an American accent. Either way, the presence of Lupita Nyongâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;o in the cast of The Force Awakens is another step in the right direction â&#x20AC;&#x201C; letâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s hope that their character arcs donâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t just disappear into the abyss as well.

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here are a million things any fan wants from The Force Awakens, however I think I can speak for everyone with sensory organs when I say NO MORE MEETINGS. No more council attendances, no more boring, droning meetings. And no more fucking Lucas. Honestly, George Lucas needs to be bustled out of any creative input regarding this film with more expedience than that guy who bumped into David Cameron that one time. What we do want? Lightsabers, fighting, action and a decent narrative to give the relatively action based genre a deeper feel than the typical triple A-action fest chugged out by the likes of The Fast & The Furious. Fortunately, any criticism that befell Abrams in regards to Star Trek will only surely be to his favour with Star Wars, he was born to re-boot these films.

The Courier

UHYLHZVILOP.29

Tuesday 5 May 2015

‘Andy Dufresne - who crawled through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side.’ - The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Avengers: Age of Ultron (12A)

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arvel has, for the last ten or so years, been progressively oozing itself into our lives, the red slogan infecting the media like a plague, a sexy, sexy plague. While the various on-screen reincarnations of Marvel’s biggest comic book characters have oft fallen shit-short of matching up (I’m talking to you, Daredevil, The Hulk, Elektra & co) it’s arguable that their film universe has gone from strength to strength since The Avengers. Well two years, and a great deal of practice, later and Whedon offers us a veritable orgy of delightful superhero action in Age of Ultron, his older, cooler, super-powered progeny.

Featuring an opening scene with enough action, co-ordination and cheeky, self-referential wit we’ve come to expect from a Marvel film to have anyone quivering at the knees, the first fifteen minutes are exceptionally strong. Unlike its predecessor, Age of Ultron does not suffer from origin-itis and really hits the ground running in terms of a punchy, funny fast start.

A lot can be said for Age of Ultron when you take into account the hulk-buster vs Hulk showdown occurs somewhere around half-way through the film. It’s a scene that would be the epic climax of many a block-buster, but Age of Ultron has so much to offer that it can safely slot the most amazing ten minutes of perfectly CGI’d arse-kickery without peaking too early. In fact, probably the best new

The Falling (15)

edition to the franchise – Paul Bettany’s Vision doesn’t enter until way after this point.

Of course, with jam-packing your film full of goodies and delights does come the risk of having too much. It’s a line that Marvel straddles with Age of Ultron, between setting up a sequel, introducing a smorgasbord of new characters and ‘the mission’, it still manages to show us some down time with its titular characters – giving the audience time to breathe as well as to laugh. But, that being said, it is a whole lot to fit in a film without overcrowding itself.

As for the – sometimes – dreaded Stan Lee cameo? Well, this one actually worked and added, in its own small way, to the scene. The sequel also improves visually upon the first, The Avengers was somewhat criticised for Whedon’s visual – his skills more suited TV programmes. Age of Ultron fixes this as Whedon really plays around with wide shots and a few visually astounding tracking scenes of Iron Man flying – pov style. It’s like your Iron

Woman in Gold (12A)

Man for a few seconds and it just looks fantastic.

Finally, and without any of the biased penchant for superhero worship that I have exhibited above, easily the most effective thing Age of Ultron does is make Hawkeye relevant again. He matters, he actually contributes and he’s not the useless shell of a character seen in the first movie. Critics were quick to point out that in The Avengers Hawkeye is relatively useless in the grand scheme of things.

Age of Ultron plays on this, giving us a classic ‘am I relevant’ self introspective which – whilst a little cliché – is pulled off with astounding authenticity. I like Hawkeye in this; he’s a bit deeper, a bit meatier and a whole lot funnier. He’s an actual person this time.

So whilst it is (as always) more of the same from the superhero genre, if you like this kind of thing Age of Ultron is arguably the best of the best, sir.

More like this: The Watchmen (2009) David Leighton

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 (PG)

FASSBENDER

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The Good: Inglorious Basterds

f a director is going to pump life into your career, you might as well have Quentin Tarantino manning the hose. Michael Fassbender might be the longest and brightest burning light from Tarantino’s knack for reinvention, and Inglourious Basterds is the supernova that sets it all off.

Playing Lt. Col. Archie Hicox, a smooth-talking cinephile of a British officer in World War II, Fassbender’s aching cool is easily one of Tarantino’s best film’s greatest selling-points. Carrying the longest scene Tarantino has ever directed (it’s a whopping 26 minutes in length), Fassbender nails the German accent and language as well as the other Nazis in the bar allow him to, and it’s a gorgeous showcase for his versatility in his first big supporting mainstream role. A beautiful counterbalance to Christoph Waltz’s Germanic smoothness, a star was born with a good long sip of that amazing scotch.

The Bad: Jonah Hex

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he Falling is a feminist masterpiece and an exploration of sexuality and mentality like nothing ever seen before. It delves into the darkest recesses of the brain to uncover the startling effects of loss and, in doing so, blends reality and metaphor until the two are indistinguishable and incomprehensible.

The film focuses on an English girls’ school in 1969 - a staunch and highly regulated environment. After tragedy strikes the school, the veil between order and chaos slowly begins to fall, as do the girls as they are gripped by a fainting epidemic.

Lydia (Maisie Williams) is the worst affected and revelations about her life are revealed, peeled back to the nerve.

Maisie Williams is a delight as the volatile Lydia.

She yet again excels herself seemingly tackling intense and troubling material with sheer ease and expertise. Her scenes with Maxine Peake, especially towards the end, are gripping intense and uncomfortable, yet joyous to behold.

However, some of the fainting, and one incident in particular, is a little sloppy and laughable, it detracts from the subject matter and serves as little more than a tension-breaker. Also, Lydia has a nervous twitch which begins to grow tiresome as the film progresses. Although this is not down to Williams, but the director, Carol Morley.

A great highlight of this film is Morley’s feminist vision. Female sexuality is explored in a novel way which provokes thought and, at times, confusion.

With an almost all female cast it is mesmerising to see their bonds twist and stretch to the limit. The unknown cast members portraying the other girls are captivating as they explore their character’s vices.

Overall, The Falling is a triumph for Morley.

It is a perfectly paced imaginative exploration of the female condition. It is also refreshing to see a coming-of-age piece focused on girls. The Falling is wonderful, bizarre and almost like a bang to the head.

More like this: Dreams of a Life (2011) Emma Allsopp

D

irected by Simon Curtis (My Week With Marilyn), Woman in Gold tells the true story of Viennese born Maria Altmann’s (Helen Mirren) decade long battle against Austrian authorities for the restitution of the iconic Klimt painting, ‘The Lady in Gold’, which the Nazi’s stole from the very walls of her house during World War II. Armed with the gutsy school-boy lawyer of a family friend, Randy Schoenberg (Ryan Reynolds), grandson of the famous composer Arnold Schoenberg, Maria must face the troubled memories of her past as she goes head to head with the Austrian establishment, taking her case all the way to the US Supreme Court for the rightful return of the stolen painting that resides in Belvedere Palace. The Austrian’s see it as the pinnacle of their culture, but Maria sees a portrait of her Aunt Adele (Antje Traue), commissioned by her husband Ferdinand Bloch-Bauer (Henry Goodman) in happier times.

In alternating flashbacks we see how young Maria (Tatiana Maslany) & family suffer under Nazi oppression, and in a tension-riddled moment of the narrative, she manages a dare defying escape with her husband Fritz (Max Irons) and they flee to the Americas. 60 years and Helen Mirren shows us just why she is a famed star with her mix of unflappable steel and pithy comments in her rendition of Maria’s plight for the return of her Aunt.

The historical picture and legal drama is a true David and Goliath tale in its depiction of the struggle between, justice, and the cold-hearted refusal of the Austrian cultural gatekeepers to admit any wrongdoing and return the stolen property.

Admittedly, there are some truly touching performances, which wrench at the heartstrings in these glimpses at a dark moment in history, sandwiched between cloistered courtrooms. But more time was needed on the emotional history of this narrative, it would have turned out amazing, rather than a mediocre version of an extraordinary true story.

More like this: Philomena (2013) Rebecca Dooley

P

aul Blart: Mall Blarp 2 is the sequel to the undeservedly successful Mall Blart: Paul Blarp. Produced from the same gunk that gave rise to Jack&Jill and Grown Ups (Damn you, Sandler) this six-years-too-late sequel-which-nobody-should-care-about follows the continuing misadventures of bumbling security guard Paul Blart, played by Kevin James.

In this second instalment of Blarp, Paul is invited to a ‘mall cop convention’ in Las Vegas, where he has been nominated to receive a commendation for his efforts in the first film. Blart obliges and is booked into a room at the glamorous 4.6 star rating on Trip Advisor™ Wynn Hotel™. This is where the ‘plot’ begins. The Wynn Hotel™ is not only home to a beautiful botanical garden™, three lovely restaurants™ and a pool™, but also a very valuable art collection which the hotel staff do not seem to care about – it is sought after by the film’s villain, Vincent.

Thus, Blart is forced to once again mount his trusty Segway™ in bid to accidentally overcome Vincent and his cronies in exactly the same shoddy slapstick-but-with-a-fat-guy-so-its-funny way he succeeded with in the first film. The only difference this time is the addition of several one dimensional, stupid, lumbering and downright offensively portrayed mall cops which aid him in his fight for justice.

The only thing remotely funny about this comedy was me having to write a review about it. Whilst Kevin James isn’t the worst actor in general, he IS a hideously unfunny sell-out to the point where I doubt he can comprehend the words of critics behind all of the money he’s had thrust at him lately.

(This slop grossed $24 million in its opening weekend for Blarp’s sake!)

This film sucks and I can only pray that it gets Hulk smashed out of the box office.

More like this: Catwoman (2004) Conor Dowling

Like any of us who have been fortunate enough to climb the ladder of fame, there are certain rungs we’re not proud of stepping on. For Michael Fassbender, it’s Jonah Hex, DC Comics’ big-but-tiny flop that squandered a great idea into the new generation’s Wild Wild West. A similarly steampunk view of the Old West, animation director Jimmy Hayward’s first (and only to date) dabble in liveaction, it features Fassbender as a creeping, giggling and completely forgettable henchman for John Malkovich’s arch-villain. The fact that Fass’ character is called Burke speaks volumes for his involvement in the project. While he certainly isn’t the worst thing about the film (Megan Fox’s woeful performance as Hex’s prostitute lover takes that particular biscuit), it’s disappointing to see Fassbender in such a flopping failure. Then again, we can only learn to make good movies when we’ve done bad ones, right?

The Ugly: Shame

To be fair, Shame has as much right to be Fassbender’s ‘good’ film as it does his ‘ugly’ one. But, since it is one of the most graphic and upsetting popular films I’ve ever seen, it’s gotta be ‘ugly’. Chronicling the steady decline of a sex addict in New York, Michael Fassbender was robbed of an Oscar nomination (and a win) in Steve McQueen’s sordid yet beautiful drama. Every inch of Fassbender’s body is explored intermittently in 100 minutes of quietly intense character-drama, escalating slowly and torturously as Carey Mulligan’s demanding sister, Sissy, comes to stay. Nasty and cynical without being cheap, Fassbender’s staggering commitment is something not easily matched by even the greatest of actors. Yet, it comes at the price of one of the most uncomfortable watches in recent history.

Approach with caution, admire strongly.

Simon Ramshaw

30.tvfeatures

Tuesday 5 May 2015

The Courier

TV Editors: Helen Daly and Ellie McLaren Online TV Editor: Rebecca Dooley

Broadcast Wars Mark Sleightholm

Labour

Starring Martin Freeman and Jo Brand but not much else, these two “low-budget” videos are simple, presumably in an attempt to appear honest. Or maybe nobody realised that half the crew were in shot. Martin and Jo are trying a little too hard to be funny and spend most of the time stood awkwardly in front of a white background while explaining why they’re voting Labour. This is made all the more awkward – although I think they were aiming for edgy – by the constant cutting – every few seconds we’re treated to a new angle of Martin or Jo as they tear strips off the Tories.

UKIP “And now for something completely different” proclaims Mr Farage at the start of his offering. Unfortunately, it wasn’t. Like Labour, we were treated to close-up Nigel one second, mid-shot Nigel the next.

Add in some scenes of Nigel out and about, and a wobbly shot of the White Cliffs of Dover, and you have a painfully “informal” video. Obviously the Monty Python reference was hilarious and totally anarchic, and they even “left in” a cheeky “I reckon that’s alright” from Nigel at the end. Because he’s just so ordinary and unlike a politician that he’s not used to television appearances. So un-slick it hurts.

By contrast, this was so slick it made me sick.

Conservative

I have no idea what anyone was saying because I was so distracted by the irritatingly optimistic music and the slow motion footage of happy families.

And captions that appeared on the screen like a bad PowerPoint graphic. “Venetian Blinds”, I think.

Then up pop the Camerons and – no kidding – David does a Nazi salute under the pretence of cheering on his son playing football. Still in slightly-slow motion, and still with the music that makes it feel like a baby formula ad.

Lib Dem Revealing the political undertones hidden in the Green Cross Code, this focuses on a single dad with a dictatorial sat-nav, a girl walking with headphones in and a woman driving with one hand on the wheel (dangerous). Super punning from the Lib Dems – we’re at a crossroads, should we turn left or right? Apparently we should drive straight ahead into some bollards. There’s blue and red cars in case the left/right thing was too subtle. I’m not sure if there was any significance in the number plate which features prominently (DP6 EPG). After the election it could easily be adapted to road safety adverts.

Green Like the Lib Dems, the Greens directly attack their rivals – and reveal the musical talents of Ed, David, Nick and Nigel. Apparently they’re all really similar and boring and bad. As boyband parodies go, this one isn’t bad – there’s a piano, synchronised dancing and a couple of key changes. There’s also some scenes inspired by The Riot Club and some by BGT, or at least that’s what it looked like to me. A lot of thought obviously went into the lyrics, but the same can’t be said of the casting. Disappointingly, none of the actors look remotely like their political counterparts, although Ed’s double literally can’t stop smiling, which is quite sweet.

A Tuck-­ing omnishambles To be read in a venomous Glasweigan accent, Simon Ramshaw wonders what Malcolm Tucker thinks about all of the leaders in the running for PM

C

ock-a-doodle-fuck, it’s that time of year again, where the sheer brutality of my insults overshadows my political leanings. Just to make things absolutely fucking crystal-clear as the crippled eye-sight of some poor bastard who eventually found the time and went to Specsavers, I am a member of the Labour Party, but I could not give a solitary wingéd fuck who gets to warm the desk-chair at Number 10 with their bloodied, slapped jaxie (my doing, of course) this year, because, in the frankest manner of speaking I’m capable of, each leader possesses the political prowess of a stillborn sea cucumber without the single gonad those pathetic creatures are supposed to have. So, I’d like you to read this as less of an opinion piece and more of an open hate-mail to/a relentless shooting gallery of every so-called ‘candidate’ that isn’t worth the minor sweat that my temple-vein gives off on an hourly basis.

I’m a great believer in levity, so why don’t we begin with a rather trivial matter. I’m referring of course to everyone’s favourite Exalted Cyclops, Nigel Farage. This floundering fanny hasn’t only managed to offend as many immigrants as any Leni Riefenstahl propaganda piece, but he’s also gone and made a right embarrassing shite in aisle four.

With a blueprint for the BBC that involves limiting the fucking station to Fiona Bruce’s crayon-drawn eyebrows and David Dimbleby’s piss-poor excuse for public interrogation and figurative flaying, television programmes like Strictly Come Mincing and Flop Gear will undoubtedly be shown the high road. Now, I have no problem with shuffling that spade-chinned, doddering fuck off the mortal coil of Saturday night telly, but I do have a very fucking large roast beef with Farage’s farcical disdain for progressive television like Doctor Who. I’ll grant you the fact that the tired TV show is about as old as my tendency to persecute those around me on a whim (I was a very nasty fucker of a 4 year old indeed, and, thankfully, nothing has changed), but when they finally embrace a Scottish actor as the time-travelling pervert, naturally Farage would want to stop the Glaswegian tones from reaching the ears of the impressionable youth.

I’m sure he’ll change his mind when my own ominous thunderclap of a voice manages to pierce his eardrums and turn his white-washed brain into egg-fried fuck.

Ah, but the Scottish prejudice doesn’t just end there. It’s spread, like mouldy butter over Ed Miliband’s bacon sandwich, and Sarah Vine, wife of charisma-blackhole Michael Gove, has recently thought it wise to compare the North of England and Scotland to “leeches”. I’ve been mulling that over for a day or two and now I have a couple of minor thoughts on the matter. I will show them the very fucking gory extent of Scottish leeching when I drink her fucking blood from a Camelbak that I have lined with only the finest haggis. Only then will they see the true limits of Northern mercy.

I realise that a certain personal bias is bleeding through like a slitted throat being dressed with sugar paper, so I’ll turn my attention to other pressing matters. What irks me nearly as much is our white knight, Ed Miliband’s half-hearted attempts to adhere to some of my sound advice. He was quoted saying, “Hell yes, I’m tough enough”, when, previously, I’d told him to say, on live television, something along the lines of “I’m tougher than the Incredible Hulk on three metric tonnes of muscle supplements inside a brick shithouse underneath the fucking Pentagon” if someone questioned his credibility as a leader. It’s this kind of dismissal that really undermines my professionalism and my ability to be taken seriously as the red hot chili pepper up everyone’s arse. I have heard embryos with a looser tongue than Ed. I should really drag him along to some proper, BBFCbanned cursing lessons.

Yet I don’t think there’s a person who is taken less seriously than our glorious leader, Mr David Cameron, after a fucking woeful faux pas where the BBC covered a day in the life of our current PM. Chopping lettuce in a dainty pinny and trying to strike up an ill-advised conversation about Jeremy Clarkson with a poor sod of a butcher, I was honestly surprised he wasn’t cleaved out of his misery by the shop owner. A truly embarrassing failure of an attempt to climb down from an ivory tower, it was less of a graceful landing and more of a slip on a banana skin off the battlements and getting fucked by a flock of sparrows on the way down. I’d feel sorry for the poor bastard if his time wasn’t up anyway.

As for the inevitable namedrop of the Greens, I appreciate the honest, noble intentions behind legalising

brothels, but where would my insult of “You smell like a whore’s handbag” go if prostitution was a valiable and legalised profession? Ladies of the night would actually smell fucking nice. Again, modern politics is undermining me more violently than Charles fucking Bronson in The Great Escape.

Bias be fucked, it seems I don’t have one anymore.

I’m reminded of a quote from German hardcase and world-class nihilist, Werner Herzog: “civilisation is like a thin layer of ice upon a deep ocean of chaos and darkness.” What we have is a bunch of small children, snorting E-numbers and jumping up and down on said ice. And it will break. Into the void we shall go, careering and cartwheeling into the depths of hellish nightmares of rape, cannibalism and a holocaust that will consume the planet for all eternity.

Still, all that being said, I really do wish all of them the best of luck.

The Courier

highlightstv.31

Tuesday 5 May 2015

thecourieronline.co.uk/tv c2.tv@ncl.ac.uk | @courier_tv

The land of trope and glory

I Ballot Monkeys

Channel4, Tuesday, 10pm From the makers of the infallible Outnumbered, Andy Hamilton and Guy Jenkin return to their political roots in Ballot Monkeys, a topical five-parter that promises to-the-minute political gags in the run up to the election: as the trailer states, it’s ‘so topical it hasn’t even been written yet’.

The premise of the show follows the four main political parties – Labour, Conservative, UKIP and Liberal Democrats – as they clamber/ stumble/ trip over the final hurdle of Election Week and persuade the unsure cohort of the electorate to put their faith in the best of a bad lot. But to ensure it is keeping up with current affairs fully, certain scenes aren’t filmed until the day of broadcast and then slipped into the episode (sometimes a little bit too noticeably).

The casting is seriously on point, with big-name stars including Ben Miller, Hugh Dennis and Sarah Hadland portraying members of Liberal Democrats, Conservatives and UKIP respectively. Maybe that’s why the whole series is set on four political tour buses; who needs to waste money on exciting sets when you’ve got some recognisable faces to draw the audience in?

In the first episode, Miller satirically represented the Lib Dems through a middle-aged man in a lax suit and untied tie, with constipation and potentially on the verge of a heart attack, going by the amount of huffing and pill-popping he does in the space of 20 minutes. Of course, UKIP are presented as disastrously unorganised constantly battling between fighting the perceived image of their policies and the adhering to said image. Hadland’s character, for example, hopes to get Farage to slay a model dragon at her constituency’s St George’s Day celebrations. Not that UKIP, you might say? And you’re right, it could be construed as simply patriotic. Until we are told by Hadland that the model dragon has a Muslim face painted on. Oh.

Play To The Whistle

A

Ellie McLaren

Episodes

ITV1, Saturday, 9:15pm

s a sports fan there is nothing better after a day playing or following football than a light hearted quiz show. Sports quiz shows have been few and far between in recent years with the fall from grace of the previously ever reliable A Question of Sport .

Play to the Whistle is hosted by yours and my favourite daytime TV presenter Holly Willoughby (step over Schofe). Further, with ‘Man City’ legend Frank Lampard as a team captain disproving the misconceptions around footballers intelligence, you can’t go wrong. It’s the usual gaffs and gafores of a sports quiz show. The new precedent was set

by Sky’s A League of their Own with James Corden but now Play to the Whistle seems to be the way forward.

It boasts the usual comedian, sportsman crossover and with Bradley Walsh as the second captain there is no way you can go wrong. Jimmy Bullard heads the bill as Holly Willoughby’s partner in crime, and of course, he does the famous celebration on a regular basis if a question is answered incorrectly. So far the show has had fan’s favourite Peter Crouch and the nation’s enemy and twitter keyboard warrior Piers Morgan to name but two guests. This weekend’s episode sees Chrampard (Christine Bleakley and Frank Lampard) go head to head in a winner takes all relationship battle for the title of best sportsman in the family, awkward.

So, if you’re looking for a lovely bog standard sports show for a Saturday night to while away the hours before Match of the Day then Play to the Whistle should fill a Saturday night take away sized hole.

Josh Nicholson

The Conservatives didn’t fare much better. Looking even shabbier than the constipated Lib Dems, Dennis’s unshaven, frowning face said it all. Despite being ‘so topical’ it hurts, Ballot Monkeys did fail in some aspects. Their portrayal of the Labour tour bus sighing profusely at the very mention of Milliband, and then the extensive list of his incompetence, didn’t really stand with the image of Ed we’ve been seeing in the press lately. Did the writers miss the media storm that was #millifandom?

With the election furore taking such hilarious turns every time we blink, it really doesn’t seem like we need a comedy to satirise the clueless nature of the politicians running to be our next global representative. It’s unlikely that Ballot Monkeys will ever be able to produce something as funny as Ed Milliband’s bacon-gate, or David Cameron’s curious incident with a hotdog and a cutlery set.

But it does serve as a nice reminder of all of their failings that particular week, a Top of the Pops of Westminster gaffes, if you like.

Tatau

BBC2, Thursday, 9pm

T

he much-lauded BBC sitcom Episodes is returning to the TV this week, and it’s a return to the crazy, chaotic setting of LA and Hollywood for Bev and Sean as the increasingly frazzled British couple struggling to cope in the alien world of American accents and unpredictable stars.

Many critics have questioned how the show has secured another season after viewer numbers halved during the second, but one suspects it’s the pull of the big name actors, namely Matt Le Blanc, playing a hideous twisted version of himself: think Joey Tribiani but a bit fat, very grey and with a foul mouth and you’ve got the picture. Le Blanc actually won a Golden Globe for, well, playing himself, which must have seen him laughing all the way to the bank. In the USA the show has gained much more popularity than it has in the UK, but that said, Episodes still has a lot going for it. Tamsin Greig and Stephan Mangan have just the right amount of classically British reservation in regards to the openness of their American counterparts, and the characters that they become entangled with are lurid- though often still amusing- characterisations of all the people that crop up in the ruthless corporate world of TV. Where this season will take us next is yet to be seen, because between them, the characters of Bev, Sean and Le Blanc have slept and argued their way through Hollywood. Watching the show makes you nostalgic for all the ridiculous stereotypes of Britain, red phone boxes, cups of tea, the works. Maybe this series, Bev and Sean will finally get to come home.

Fiona Callow

BBC3, Sunday, 10pm

T

he first I heard of this show was when I was reading the magazine for my school’s alumni and saw a piece about Joe Layton, who plays Kyle Connor, being the new star of BBC Three’s new supernatural murder mystery drama.

I knew Joe from my school’s drama productions.

I was wondering when one of the many actors I knew would finally make an appearance on screen so I took the chance to see what the show was like.

I’m talking about how my main appeal to this show was little more than my own slight personal connection, and that’s not necessarily vanity (maybe a little) – it stresses how little other appeal there was for the show before I watched it – and I still stand by that.

Generic. That’s how I would describe Tatau. The premise is that Kyle experiences a vision about a woman being murdered while taking drugs.

When he finally meets this woman that he’s never seen before in real life, he realises his visions were prophecies, and vows to get to the bottom of it, battling disbelief around him. (Trope bingo: Cassandra Truth - *ding*).

If not sheer curiosity of seeing someone I knew, there’d be little keeping me hooked to the show. The story and writing makes me feel, much like Kyle and his visions, like I’ve seen all this happen before.

How I would sum up my feelings of the show? – I may not necessarily predict where the plot is going to go or what revelations will be revealed, but I can predict I will feel a zero sense of surprise, shock or pay-off.

Haaris Aytishaam Mahmood Qureshi

Tria Lawrence

will admit that I enjoyed High School Dramas as a teenager. However, I’ve realised over the years that they all have the same absolutely ridiculous flaws. My habit of pointing out these flaws has led to my sister refusing to ever watch TV with me again. But I figure I can safely ruin it for you with the comfort that unlike her, you probably don’t know where I live.

Let’s start with Dawson Casting. Named after the ridiculous casting on Dawson’s Creek, it generally happens as a mix between child employment laws, teenager’s lack of acting skill, and the ‘things’ they can actually do on camera. This creates the need for a cast with an average age of 22 to play a group of 16 year olds. The only show that doesn’t really do this is Skins, which paradoxically is also the drama with the most ‘things’ happening that Dawson Casting is there to prevent. Otherwise, Dawson Casting is pretty much a staple of the High School Drama with some even making a living out of it. Bianca Lawson managed to get teenage roles for almost 20 years, starting with Saved by the Bell in 1993 and most recently appeared as teenage Maya in Pretty Little Liars aged 32.

“the biggest annoyance is [...]

Pretty White Kids With Problems. Although this democratic is perfectly allowed to have problems [...] they constantly manage to mess up their lives [...] when they’re generally extremely talented and financially stable””

A side effect of Dawson’s Casting is Teens Are Short. You can just about get away with this if a show only has one season, but if it’s a hit it becomes a bit more unrealistic. Think of Hayley on Modern Family. Her parents are both above average height, but according to Google she hasn’t even hit 5’2”.

For some reason, despite all of us knowing that teenagers can be pretty damn tall, we’ve come to find tall teenagers on our screens completely unrealistic.

Yet something I always found even more unrealistic was that the schools these characters go to have ‘No Dress Code’. Considering the amount of stories of American schools sending home girls for showing their shoulders, it is difficult to understand how many characters get away with tiny skirts, baring their midriffs, and even high heels.

Obviously not every programme adheres to this (the characters of Freaks and Geeks generally wore jeans and shirts), but go back and watch 90210, or even Buffy, and you’ll start to wonder where the world is hiding these magical schools whose students seem to be getting ready for the catwalk.

However the biggest annoyance is that every single High School Drama is simply full of Pretty White Kids With Problems. Although this demographic is perfectly allowed to have problems, it becomes annoying when they continuously manage to mess up their lives, especially when they’re generally extremely talented and financially stable.

But my main issue with all of this is that sometimes it would be nice to see a group of main characters who are not all Pretty, White and Straight. It becomes a bore watching minority actors get the minor roles when you know their stories are far more interesting than the Pretty White ones you’ve s e e n again a n d again.

32.music

Tuesday 5 May 2015

The Courier

Music Editors: Jamie Shepherd, Dominique Daly and Chris Addison

Party

Political

Now then, Marr-­dy Bum Johnny Marr has taken a leaf out of Morrissey’s book and been having a moan about Record Story Day etiquette. Iqra Choudry takes a look at why Johnny’s so bloody pissed

Playlist J

Unless you have been living un-­ derground you’ll know that elec-­ tions are just around the corner.

Everyone has politics on their minds, but Sophie Ahmed has politics in her ears compiling a playlist you can vote to The Smiths ‘The Headmaster Ritual’

This classic from the most famous band to be associated with Manchester and the 80s sees the cynical Morrissey muse on the inadequacy of Britain’s education system. The political message of this song is to simply ‘Give up education as a bad mistake’

PJ Harvey -­ ‘The Words that Maketh Murder’

Songstress PJ Harvey’s 2011 Mercury awardwinning album Let England Shake took Britain’s involvement in the Afghan War as its central theme. Polly Jean’s scepticism of diplomacy shines through as she repeats the question “What if I take my problem to the United Nations?” in the outro.

Outkast ‘Rosa Parks’

Moving across the Atlantic, the first single from Outkast’s 1998 album Aquemini tells the story of the Civil Rights activist of the same name. This was much to Rosa Parks’ dismay, as she filed a lawsuit against the hip hop duo for associating her with vulgar language.

M.I.A ‘Born Free’

Sri Lankan London-based artist M.I.A. has always been regarded as a bit ‘out there’, but her biggest controversy was sparked in 2011, for ‘BORN FREE’ and its accompanying video. YouTube banned the clip as it showed the mass slaughter of red haired people, which actually represented the politically-driven genocide of Tamil males.

Radiohead ‘Idioteque’ This track from Kid A includes some of Thom Yorke’s most cryptic lyrics yet. Whilst the line “ice age coming, ice age coming” could be an edgy metaphor for anything, some fans believe that the following lyric (“This is really happening”) urges the public and politicians alike to recognise the impending threat of climate change.

Portishead ‘Machine Gun’

At Glastonbury in 2013, trip-hop pioneers from the darkest depths of Bristol Portishead were shunned by the BBC for their chilling performance of this song. Red lasers beamed from the eyes of a huge David Cameron head, which was followed by images of nuclear explosions and the optimism of a glowing CND symbol.

The Killers ‘All These Things That I’ve Done’ Speaking of David Cameron, the Tory Prime Minister selected this track as one of his Desert Island Discs for BBC Radio 4. Only the May General Election result will tell if all the things that Cameron’s done have been worthwhile. Lets hope not.

Feel like hearing Sophie’s Playlist in its full political glory?

Follow thecourierdoesmusic on Spotify

ohnny Marr, former guitarist of The Smiths’ fame has hit out at the “eBay tossers” (charming language as always, Johnny) who are guilty of flogging his Record Store Day release for over-inflated prices.

For those of you who are wondering, Record Store Day has been held in April for the past 8 years, and is a celebration of both the vinyl revival and the independent record stores in the UK and across the world. On the 18 April this year, bands and artists alike released one-off limited editions of their work in honour of the day. From A$AP ROCKY’s 7” of ‘LPFJ2 / MULTIPLY’ to limited editions of Turbowolf ’s second album ‘Two Hands’, to Young Knives’ 10” of ‘Something Awful’, the run of Record Store Day releases has something for everybody, and give our generation a chance to appreciate the uniqueness of having a record you can hold in your hands.

When Johnny Marr’s release of ‘I Feel You’ (a cover of the original by Depeche Mode, and a staple of his live set), complete with a live version of The Smiths’ ‘Please Please Let Me Get What I Want’ was released on a limited run of only 1000 copies, it seemed that fans who missed out on a pressing turned to the internet to find one.

And Johnny Marr was not best impressed.

And who can disagree with him? It is unfair of people to make a disgusting amount of

“The run of Record Store Day releases has something for everybody, and give our generation a chance to appreciate the uniqueness of having a record you can hold in your hands”

profit by taking advantage of someone’s love of an artist’s work. It is NOT in the spirit of Record Store Day to purchase records with the intent of selling them later on to people who actually want them for the sake of the music. Johnny Marr may well be justified here (and bloody hell – I never thought I’d say that). The whole point of Record Store Day is to celebrate music, celebrate buying music and supporting independent businesses.

But on the other hand, Johnny – what did you expect? Although the artist has sworn to release more copies, and has urged his fans not to be ripped off, he has to acknowledge that it was bound to happen.

If anything is a limited edition, or a one-off release, super-fans are going to want a copy, and the “eBay tossers” in question are going to capitalise on the chance to make a quick buck. Add to that the fact that we don’t live in a world where people regularly buy physical copies of records, and the Record Store Day releases take on another facet of rarity. Take for example, my friend Dale. He’s lovely, is our Dale. He slept outside a record store last year to get the vinyl he had his eye on.

So even though I do sympathise with Johnny Marr (another sentence I never thought I’d pen), I’m not naïve enough to be shocked by the amount of Record Store Day releases that end up on eBay, or even at the amount people are willing to pay for them. C’est la vie vie.

On yer Boris bike

Shock news that honey-­haired cycle enthusiast Boris Johnson is going to be presenting the London Music Awards. Helena Vesty isn’t happy

S

o, someone has made the choice of giving Boris Johnson a microphone for the evening, in order to host the second annual London Music Awards. Let’s just take a moment to let that sink in. Boris Johnson. Bo-Jo. BJ. I really can’t decide if this is the best thing to happen to the music industry since Lennon met McCartney, or just simply the worst, perhaps only to be surpassed in the event of Soulja Boy performing ‘Crank Dat’ at the Vatican.

Dearest Bo-Jo, who has in fact been sacked from the position of Shadow Arts Minister before now, and often looks like he has never owned a hairbrush in his life, is due to take to the stage on the 11th of June in the Roundhouse, to help reward the best and brightest of London’s young musicians.

All things considered, it does make some logical sense that Johnson is involved. The event is “an important fundraiser for the Mayor’s Music Fund”, a charity which holds the Mayor of London as its “Founder Patron”.

However, as a key player in the Conservative party, it feels as though his appearance will be considerably politically motivated. Unfortunately, this may taint the event, turning it into no more than a PR stunt for the Mayor, focusing on the ‘fantastic’ benefits he, and the Conservative government, has given for arts programmes across the country.

This will all be at the expense of the young musicians who have worked hard to be recognised for their talent, and deserve the spotlight that such a ceremony should bring. This is made only more infuriating by the fact that this government has cut local arts services consistently for the past 5 years, particularly affecting music lessons, which some of

the artists at the awards may have utilised.

The Guardian reported just last week that participation in music activities in schools have dropped dramatically from 55.3% to 37.2%, between 2009 and 2013/14. To have a politician who is actively involved in such a devastating government, standing on a stage to champion the arts, seems to be a glaring contradiction. Whilst politics has inspired some great music throughout history, the politicisation of what should be an unbiased celebration of young people is, frankly, a farce.

“This could taint the event, turning it into no more than a PR stunt for the Mayor to focus on the ‘fantastic’ benefits he and the government have given the arts”

Still, if we must endure the Milky Bar Kid of government, let’s look at some of the positives.

At least Boris has a penchant for humour and energy that could give great entertainment on the night, even if it is mostly due to his own eccentricities. It has to be said that the various scrapes he often finds himself in, provide hilarious scenes. Only Bo-Jo could get stuck over Victoria Park on a zip wire. Only Bo-Jo would fall into a river, bin bag in hand. And only Bo-Jo could cause such an extreme division of opinion among the general public, possibly being one of the best examples of human marmite. If I had to pick a politician to host a music awards, it would have to be one that was, more or less, a living cartoon.

The Courier

music.33

Tuesday 5 May 2015

thecourieronline.co.uk/music c2.music@ncl.ac.uk | @courier_music courier_music

The Magic Whip

Electronic Blanket

Blur

Max Palmer-­Geaves talks Record Store Day, nu-­disco, deep house, and Winnie the Pooh inspired Swedish producers

S

ound the alarm: Blur are back with their one of the best songs on the album simply for first new album in twelve years. After play- its atmospheric tone creating capabilities. Other ing some festivals and lining even more up honourable mentions in the atmospheric round for summer, the four-piece have returned with include the moody and outer-spacey sounding, The Magic Whip, but in the words of Take That: ‘Thought I Was A Spaceman’ and the super relaxed could it be magic?

‘Ghost Ship’.

Despite not being the first single, the obvious Blur have kept humour, seen previously in tracks lead song off the album harks back to a Blur of old. such as ‘Country House’ and ‘Girls and Boys’, and ‘Lonesome Street’ is lively, bouncy and contains it’s found its way onto the new album. ‘I Broadcast’, just enough of the same ingredients which made whilst not having the funniest lyrics, certainly car‘Country House’ one of Blur’s best known songs. ries a light-hearted nature in its bouncy sound.

It’s ready made for inclusion on the set lists of the Speaking of lyrics, Blur have found a maturity festivals that Blur are playing at this summer; ci- in their lyrics, mixing clever metaphors with the der at the ready, this one’s for brand emotion“The distorted guitars matched same shouting at the top of your filled lines. ‘My Terracotwith Albarn’s gravelly and voice. ta Heart’ and ‘Ong Ong’ Albarn sounds on top disinterested groans make ‘Go both mine their soft side, form. Listening to him, you beautifully detailing both wouldn’t guess that he has Out’ one of the best songs on the lost love and new love aged in the slightest. He still album simply for its atmospheric through Albarn’s croonsounds like that young and ing vocals. tone creating capabilities” rebellious chap who sings on All things considered ‘There’s No Other Way’. For me, The Magic Whip then, The Magic Whip is a triumph for Blur. The reminds me why Blur are so likable, and just why whole album comes together to sound like an they have had an extremely long career. It’s de- anthology of everything that Blur have done well served as well; after all of these years, the band still over their lengthy career. They still sound youthful, has their sound and hasn’t strayed far from their but in an experienced way; they’ve finessed their roots. Whilst some would argue that’s a bad thing, sound and thus the album is categorically ‘Blur’. and that a band should expand their sound, Blur You wouldn’t think that time has passed since Leiprove that you can stick to your guns and still be a sure, even though it has, in fact, been a solid 24 highly successful and hit-perpetuator group. years. It’s incredible that a band who have been ‘Go Out’ is reminiscent of Blur’s grungier punk around for this long are still able to churn out the side, seen most famously in ‘Song 2’ and ‘Beetle- good stuff, and Blur have this incredible talent of bum’. The distorted guitars matched with Albarn’s doing it by the bucket load. gravelly and disinterested groans make ‘Go Out’ Helen Daly

11 METZ

“S

tay true to what made us tick in the first place: that immediacy” says METZ vocalist, Alex Edkins. The Toronto trio have certainly stayed true to their noise-rock tick that was heard from their self-titled debut back in 2012. II, their sophomore album, is like taking a shot of epinephrine through the ear, straight in to the sticky stuff. It is damn immediate.

Musically, METZ have evolved, recording with stomping synths and jagged loops making their corrugated steel sound flay the ears to the point.

The band have also been playing around with baritone guitars, similarly to that of instrumental noise-rockers That Fucking Tank.

‘Acetate’, the single they premiered in February, plunges us in to II with a repressed riff, played on repressed feedback, before unleashing the dark fury and Edkins growling ‘take away the sun’. It doesn’t quite feel right typing out METZ lyrics in lowercase. Even their capitalized, stylized title boasts the bruising that II delivers.

‘Nervous System’ is self-explanatory, and a stand out track on II, easing with jangling chimes, then delivering another pleasant dose of that sonic epinephrine. Interludes of swift, cutting guitars are choppy and meticulously flesh out the juggernaut of METZ’s rowdy rumpus.

Behind the dissonance and riots, METZ reveal some catchy song writing succinctness. There is a method of minimalism in METZ, using few chords, such as on ‘Eyes Peeled’. However, this can sometimes come across as rather repetitive, but I am sure there are those of you who love this fuzzy fuck-fest.

Connor McDonnell

Electronic goings on: Third Years can’t hack the Sesh

More than this Suede - Bloodsports 2012’s Bloodsports was a return to form from Brett Anderson and one of the first bands to carry the moniker of Britpop. By no means at the same level as Dog Man Star and their eponymous debut, this release was lauded for still being idiosyncratically Suede after years in the wilderness. Lead single ‘It Starts and Ends With You’ and tracks such as ‘For The Strangers’ contained some of Anderson’s best lyrical content in a decade Supergrass - Supergrass Another heavyweight Britpop band that you’ve probably forgotten about but one with a trail of hits you’ll definitely remember hearing in your parents car. Their self-titled third album featured the classics ‘Moving’, ‘Pumping on Your Stereo’, and ‘Mary’ and provides a timeless reminder of the nineties zeitgeist.

Jerk at the End of the Line Only Real

Making Friends

N

W

iall Galvin, a west London 23 year old, is the tip of a blunt spearhead on a wavy and at times lethargic debut album. But despite how bad that sounds, you should get it.

Stand out songs got recognition early with ‘Cadillac Girl’ and ‘Yesterdays’ making it as a Hottest Record on Zane Lowe’s Radio 1 show and before long comparisons to other cult classic rockers such as King Krule and Mac Demarco began to be made.

The slurred words and drunken demeanour add to the quasi-rap singing style along with woozy psychedelic guitar riffs and 80s drum machines, they all come together as part of that junkie wreckhead charm; you can almost imagine him swaying from side to side as he records in a studio filled with baggy t-shirts and bucket hats. It’s because of what you see on the surface of Only Real that makes you enjoy the great melodies and lyrically nuisances so much more.

As you look deeper Niall’s trials and tribulations are ones that puzzle the listener, you don’t know whether Galvin is proud of the things he does or happy with the way he is. At times it seems that he actually enjoys being the ‘Jerk At The End Of The Line’ because it comes with the perks of never being hurt, he frequently mentions how he is happy to leave a girl because he knows that he isn’t worth staying around for in the long run. A similar message is on the song ‘Can’t Get Happy’, for an uplifting and happy tune the song has a pretty dark message. What makes the whole album worthwhile is despite how much Niall gives off the impression that he doesn’t care, he obviously does. This harks back to, and explains, the style and sound, which is why it’s a brilliant piece of self-expression and music.

Alex Mackenzie

Mew

hile at first listen to Mew’s sixth album, I couldn’t help but feel that there were similarities to Dream Poppers such as Asobi Seksu, Washed Out and Blonde Redhead but the more I listened to the album I felt that the record was a poor attempt at emulating these bands.

The opener and first single from the album ‘Satellites’ takes itself a little bit too seriously and reminded me of the pissy, moany, wanky belovedby-NME emotion inducing fodder of The Temper Trap’s ‘Sweet Disposition’ and distinctly lacks the sense of danger I get a kick from when I listen to music. The rest of the album takes a similar turn.

‘Making Friends’ opens with an almost techno inspired flavouring which loses out to the piss drivel sound that makes the album so insipid. Even the instantly recognisable contribution of Bloc Party’s Russel Lisack on ‘My Complications’ fails to arouse any of the teenage indie boy that used to gallivant around Sunderland in ill-fitting skinny jeans and the most crippling of shoes. While skilfully arranged technically the penultimate and final tracks ‘Rows’ and ‘Cross the River’ seem to go on much longer than necessary.

‘Clinging to a Bad Dream’ is possibly the most innocuous track on the album, for me personally, as I feel that this track lacks the pomposity of the rest of the album and isn’t so heavy on Jonas Bjerre’s whining vocals. My problem with the album is that I can’t tell just how serious the album is supposed to be. One part of me feels that it’s an attempt at grandeur while the other part of me thinks that this is supposed to be unabashed pop. If this was clearer, I’d be a hell of a lot happier.

Jamie Shepherd

As much as it pains me to say it, for the vast majority this statement rings true. I remember being a bright eyed, bushy tailed (I’ve never actually had a tail) first year that could go to Cosmic Ballroom every Tuesday and still make my Wednesday morning lecture only to decide two hours later that it was a good idea to go out drinking. Even if I did smell a bit trampy and look like I’d very recently had quite a shock it just didn’t seem to take the toll on my body that it does now. If I go out now for ‘a proper night out’ I have to make sure I have the next day free so that I can lie outside and attempt to take in some nourishment from the sun with my equally bedraggled mates. Shindig certainly seems to be a second year affair as swathes of knackered final year students pull out because they’d rather not be gary’d out their swede on cheap fizz for a whole weekend, as it might be the death of them.

So my message to the youth is this… go as hard as you possibly can in first year before your body gives in.

Preview: Max Romero, The Cluny May 7th I realize that this is supposed to be just focused on electronic music but I’ve already snuck Andrew Ashong in and Max Romeo is a legend so to hell with it. Max Romeo and the Upsetters’ 1976 effort ‘War Ina Babylon’ could be argued to be one of the greatest reggae albums of all time with tracks like Chase The Devil inspiring The Prodigy to write Out of Space. The reason for the tour is that Romeo is celebrating his fiftieth year in the music business and his seventieth year being a resident of planet earth. Max Romeo features in what is argued to be the most influential generation in Jamacian reggae music; taking part in the roots movement in the seventies he sang spiritual songs with revolutionary feel and penned anthems such as the title track from his fourth record War Ina Bablyon. To be honest if you don’t want to see a seventy-yearold reggae legend skanking around the Cluny then don’t come! You’re not welcome… not just at the gig but in wider society as well. Also I don’t think the Cluny has had a proper mention in this column yet and it is one of Newcastle’s true gems.

Listen to: Max Romeo – Chase The Devil

You Need To Hear This: Taylor McFerrin If you’re thinking to yourself, ‘I wonder if he’s Bobby McFerrin’s son?’ he is and his music is beautiful. His debut album Early Riser even features a brief appearance from Bobby on its final track Invisible/Visible. But rather than recognizing Taylor as the son of a man already infamous, lets relish in the mans own accomplishments; he has won the respect of his piers by his own hand and when one of those piers is Flying Lotus, you know he’s going to be something special. Early Riser is a stunning collection of sample based Ableton jams and dreamy Fender Rhodes keys. The latter which float around the rhythms creating a sense of movement as each piece rises and falls. Another indicator of McFerrin’s talent is the list of names guesting on the record, which includes tasteful favourites such as Robert Glasper and Nai Palm (Hiatus Kaiyote’s singer). I would highly recommend the album to anyone who enjoys left field beats and likes to challenge their ears; its title suits perfectly and I would suggest listening to it just as the sun begins to rise.

Listen To: Taylor McFerrin – Decisions (Feat.

Emily King)

Max produces under the name of Hues.

You can check him out on Facebook or at soundcloud.com/hues

34.gaming

Tuesday 5 May 2015

The Courier

Gaming Editors: Sophie Baines and Ben Tyrer

Splendid Science Fiction

Reload: TimeSplitters 2

James McCoull tells us Kizzie Hall WDNHV D WULS EDFN LQ WLPH WR UHJDOH XV ZLWK WKLV VXSHUE VFL ¿ VKRRWHU KLV IDYRXULWH VFLHQFH ¿ FWLRQ this side of the Wild Wasteland

5. Warhammer 40k You’d be justified in protesting the inclusion of what is best known as a tabletop game, but Warhammer 40k has earned its place for its sheer idiosyncrasy.

It is an absolutely unique universe amongst other science fiction settings - where other game series might relent on the Gothic horror side of things Warhammer pulls no stops. There’s no happiness to be found in this bleak amalgamation of impoverished hiveworlds and derelict husks of spaceships.

When every world has trillions of people living on it, and every ship is hundreds of kilometres long, the sense of scale defies the imagination.

4. Portal A haunting, daunting atmosphere and the incessant teasings of the omnipotent AI to which you are nothing more than a plaything stalk you throughout the desolate Aperture Science Laboratories, where your only allies are scribbles on the wall and a mute, inanimate cube with a love heart on it. Portal’s sci-fi is understated, but flawless.

Every crack on every panel, every misplaced bean can, every static crackle of GlaDOS’ voice tells you a little more about the world you roam, and it really is exquisite storytelling in a fascinating setting where ‘science’ and ‘fiction’ aren’t just genre labels, but plot points.

3. Bioshock For the sake of inclusion, you can consider System Shock within this too. As you may have guessed from my points so far, a key point of good science fiction is atmosphere. Everything on this list is dripping with it, but Bioshock really steps up the game. The bereaved moans of childless Big Daddies dragging rivet guns across cracked tile floors at the bottom of the sea is a sound that isn’t likely to leave any gamer’s heads for a long time after they’ve played it, and the audio tapes provide a perfect means of delivering exposition in the fascinating, abandoned locales of the Shock series without polluting the sense of loneliness that such desolation exquisitely captures.

2. Mass Effect Like Bioshock, for this you’ll also want to consider Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. If Bioware can do two things better than just about any other developer, it’s character and story. Everyone has a favourite character from Mass Effect’s crowd of beloved companions, and everyone’s got a hundred and one reasons for their choice. The worlds and people of Mass Effect draw you in in a way that most stories simply don’t, and you come to care deeply about Shepard and his or her crew as you navigate every meticulously considered world, each with different troubles and traits.

1. Fallout But all of that aside, as far as I’m concerned it doesn’t get better than Fallout. Here we have a world that simultaneously makes you feel like a walking armageddon – amidst the ruins of a literal armageddon, no less – and yet also insignificant, powerless, surviving day-to-day with no hope and no future. Villages will flourish and grow, even as military outposts that you just left a few hours ago are wiped clean of life, and ultimately you feel tossed about on the radioactive winds of the apocalypse without any certainty or security whatsoever. This is what good apocalyptia looks like, this is what good sci-fi looks like, what a and most of all this is compelling and fascinating universe looks like.

O

ne of the shining stars of the PlayStation 2, Xbox and GameCube generation was TimeSplitters… More specifically, TimeSplitters 2. As someone who is now disillusioned with many of the first-person shooters we have today (I sound like such a hipster – I should probably admit I also completely suck at many modern fps games), I get so nostalgic thinking about it. And if reviews from the time are anything to go by, I would say TimeSplitters was, and still remains, a universally adored game.

TimeSplitters arrived quite early during the sixthgeneration of consoles in 2002, offering loads of fun in single or multiplayer. Single player consisted of ten levels in a campaign that saw you play as a space marine, travelling across different locations and eras of time, taking on the TimeSplitters, an alien race that threaten history. From 1930s Chicago, to 1800s Paris, to the 2200s, there were a variety of tasks to complete, a lot of characters to meet and so many enemies to kill. There were many weapons at your disposal. You could choose from the typical set of guns handguns, rifles, submachine guns,

shotguns and the like. Maybe go a little futuristic with plasma guns. Maybe go back to the good old days with a crossbow. How about a tommy gun and some TNT? Or make things way too easy for yourself with a flamethrower or grenade launcher. Or really test your patience by arming yourself with a brick. Armed with the weapons of these different

“Amoral violence with a jawdropping soundtrack and thrilling, rewarding gameplay that never gets old” time eras, the game really did make you feel like you were leaping through different periods.

The single-player also had a co-operative mode, which only added to the fun. You could make things even more interesting by going head to head in multiplayer, in a good old Deathmatch, Capture the ‘Bag’ or Bagtag (how long can you run around screaming while holding the flag bag without be-

ing killed?). The further you progressed through the game, the more multiplayer options were available to you, which was a good enough incentive for me to carry on playing, as the multiplayer was loads of fun. You were up against the various characters you met in the single-player campaign, another chance to settle the score. Not only that, you had some other random extras in the line-up, such as a monkey, a gingerbread man, and an Elvis impersonator. This game had so much charm, and so much humour.

So, I am one of those people still waiting for TimeSplitters 4. The game was announced but fell victim to its developers (Free Radical Design) going into administration (then bought by Crytek), and being put on hold indefinitely. Some fans gathered together to create their own TimeSplitters project, which sounded promising, but little has been heard about it lately. Whether the fans can pull through and create this game is hard to tell right now, but if they can do it, there would be plenty of people eagerly awaiting its arrival… I am one of them.

What I’m Playing: Civilisation V Kizzie Hall takes just one more turn of Sid Meier’s strategy behemoth

I

t is 3am and I have a 9am lecture tomorrow.

My house is silent aside from the tapping of a keyboard and the sweet sound of the flute coming from my laptop speakers. I know I should go to bed. My eyes are aching from staring at the screen so intensely, and my shoulders are drooping with fatigue. ‘One… more… turn’, I whisper.

Civilization is an addictive game, and that is putting it mildly. It is also sometimes an extremely frustrating one that makes you want to shout, ’15 TURNS FOR METALLURGY? SERIOUSLY?!’. Yet, it is all worth it in the end to see Augustus Caesar (who has declared war on you several times over the last couple of hundred years for no reason at all), Elizabeth I (who has been demanding you give her all your horses every other turn) and Napoleon (who has been in the way of your plans to take as much land as possible) cower at your feet as you tower over them with your superior technology and culture.

The object of Civilization is to basically beat the other ‘civs’ in your game. You can do this in a few different ways. You can have the highest score by the end of the game, be the most cultured civ, the most technologically advanced civ, win the favour of those around you and score the most votes in the United Nations, or just go all-out war-mongering and invade every city in sight. It’s an incredibly fun game that offers you so much variety in the gameplay, as you choose where to settle your citizens, what technology to research, what resources

to turn your attention to etc. If you can manage this all correctly, you’ll be doing pretty well. Unfortunately, your neighbours will want you to fail horribly.

Your fellow civs aren’t always the friendliest of

“Civ V offers so much variety; it accommodates many styles of gameplay” people. Certain ones will be keen to befriend you.

Sometimes these friendships can weather the centuries that roll by, as the leaders have your back in every dispute you’re faced with. Sometimes your ‘friends’ won’t hesitate to stab you in the back later on. And some civs just don’t play nice. Ever. They don’t want your puny friendship, they just want all your land and resources! Though, as frustrating as these folks are, one of the greatest parts of this game is managing these relationships. You have to tread very carefully, especially if they have better technology, and much more money. You can be friends with Genghis Khan, and you can be friends with Montezuma. But if Genghis and Montezuma are busy trying to destroy one another, you’re in a pretty dangerous position with them both! The relationships with these civs are what make the game for me, as well as how much you need to think about your ‘game-plan’ for success. These people can be some of the most irritating characters you will ever meet in a game, but that makes victory so much sweeter.

The Courier

gaming.35

Tuesday 5 May 2015

thecourieronline.co.uk @Courier_Gaming

Keep your gaming hack-­free In this world where watchdogs, hackers and scam-­artists are in abundance, Sophie Baines takes a look at some advice to help you keep your gaming theft-­free and your accounts safe

T

he first thing everyone learns about going on the internet, in any form, is keep your password a secret. But what are we to do when the holder of the account releases our password to the public. You’d think this was unlikely, but in the last two months alone, Sony, Twitch, Game and Steam have all had severe security breaches where passwords were quote unquote ‘stolen’.

So here is where this article comes in. I’m not going to tell you to keep your password a secret (although you obviously shouldn’t start yelling it from the rooftops), what I’m going to tell you are tried and tested methods of keeping your accounts at least a little bit safer.

First of all, I’m going to give you some advice you’re not going to follow; change your password regularly. Every week if you can. The problem with many accounts is that they are assigned a password when they are open, which is never changed. So if that password is stolen, that account is not locked.

This seems relatively obvious, yet many of us (me included) never change our passwords. And those of us that do, cycle round the same few we’ve had since high school. But if you want to keep your accounts safe, change your passwords on a regular basis and especially when you get a scary email specifically telling you to change your password.

They don’t send you those to scare you, they send you them because they fucked up. Don’t get fucked because you didn’t read your emails properly.

The second piece of advice I’m going to give you, you’re probably going to ignore too; don’t have the same password for everything. This is another method that hackers use to get into you account.

Say you’re like me, you chose a username when you were in school that you then used on every platform known to man. Say you picked a password

that was easy to remember when you were 12, and kept it for every account under the sun. If a hacker manages to gain access to just one of those accounts, all they have to do is a quick google to gain access to the rest.

“Say you’re like me, you chose a username when you were in school and picked a password when you were 12 and never changed either”

Obviously passwords are difficult little shits to remember, and the first thing we’re told is to never write them down. I call bullshit. Seriously. I very much doubt that someone trying to steal my money has got the time or patience to rifle through the ridiculous amount of papers on my desk to find the specific set of lecture notes I wrote my Steam password on.

Never ever tell anyone your password over email.

No company worth its salt with ever ask you for your password. If they ever need to gain access to your account, surprise, they’ve already got it.

They don’t need your password. And while we’re at the basics, check you’re actually on Twitter when you’re trying to sign in to Twitter. Most websites will be preceded by https, this doesn’t necessarily confirm that a website is secure, what it does guarantee is that the website has been checked and vetted by your browser. Things like Twitter, Twitch and Game are often targeted with mirror sites in an attempt to gain access to passwords, don’t get tricked, just take a second to read the url of the site you’re on. Check you’re not signing in to faecbook. com.

I’m gonna wrap this article up with some blanket

advice for being safe on the internet. Don’t connect to public wifi you can’t confirm with an official. By setting up supposedly public wifi, it enables hackers to install malware and trojan horses on your mobile devices, grabbing your data and even tracking your keyboard strokes.

Keep your settings as private as you can, maybe you wanna show Dave in Ireland that you completed the entirety of Fallout 3, but is it really worth compromising your profile information to Trevor, the secretive lurker hacking gnome?

Be careful. Just be careful, double check everything you do online and pick strong passwords in the first place. It sounds like a nightmare, even like a waste of time, but if it stops you getting swindled, then why not waste the time. All that time we sank into Mass Effect didn’t count as a waste, did it.

In terms of advice for strong passwords, don’t go for the obvious options, querty, password1 and the like. Pick up a book you keep by your desk and pick a page, pick a word on the page, circle it, earmark the page. Put the book away. There you go, free password, unrelated to you. You’d have to be physically sat at your desk to guess at it, and even then you’d have to have prior knowledge of which book. Keep your accounts safe kids, change your passwords, keep an eye on the site and just don’t be lazy. Hackers are proactive. They have to be. So don’t let your achievements on Skyrim get stolen, keep them safe and sound.

Review: Bloodborne Ben Tyrer takes a look at the brand new Steam phenomenon of charging for mods

Righteous, riotous RPGs

Role-­playing games are a tricky beast to tackle but Ollie Burton tells us his favourites from the list

5. Baldur’s Gate Name the tabletop RPG that all others aspire to be.

No, not ‘The Rather Racist Adventures of Prince Philip’, I’m talking Dungeons & Dragons. Baldur’s Gate represents The Forgotten Realms brought to life, rich in character variety, dialogue, and audiovisual beauty brought to you via the Infinity engine. With over a hundred sidequests to locate and complete, it’s safe to say you won’t be running out of tasks anytime soon. Also contains one of my favourite examples of the ‘rats in the basement’ RPG trope. More points for that. Classical gaming done right.

4. Deus Ex A cyberpunk stealth/action FPS RPG? Oh lord, yes. Possibly the most critically acclaimed PC title of all time, Deux Ex follows the exploits of JC Denton, a UNATCO (an anti-terrorist group) agent enhanced with nanotechnology, allowing him to be upgraded and modified to suit particular styles of play.

Player choice is heavily emphasised, with a multitude of ways to complete objectives - you can run in guns blazing and paint the walls with the blood of your foes, or simply hack open the door and sneak past them instead. Your choice.

3. Persona 4 The franchise that spawned a thousand weeaboos, Persona is a bizarre story following a teenage boy who comes to the Japanese town of Inaba. Exploring dungeons within the ‘TV World’, the player can summon ‘Personas’ to defeat monsters known as Shadows. This is usually achieved by shooting oneself in the side of the head. Yep. Just roll with it. I initially had reservations about the series, but after playing for a while, I found that they are incredibly rich in story and character, and feature some downright beautiful visual work.

2. The Elder Scrolls: Skyrim

S

ometimes it seems like all that anyone wants to talk about with regards to the Souls series is difficulty. There’s no denying that these are challenging games, and that it’s an aspect of their design which has significantly contributed to their mystique. But as someone who finds himself easily frustrated by difficult games, there must be something else in Bloodborne that keeps me coming back.

Like its predecessors, From Software’s latest offering takes place in an unrelentingly bleak, unpleasant world, with lore you have to work for, and populated with inhabitants being slowly driven to despair or madness by their situation - it’s hard to tell whether these people are laughing or crying.

But it’s also a significant departure - where the Souls series has generally been set in worlds that appear medieval, Bloodborne takes place in a thoroughly Victorian city.

It’s a change that informs a lot about the game’s design. It signals a shift from dark fantasy to outright horror; grotesque monstrosities, from werewolves and zombies to eldritch horrors ripped

A total cliché at this point, but Bethesda really did an amazing job. I grabbed the Legendary edition for £6.00 during a sale, and my god. Visually and audibly spectacular, fluid gameplay and a gripping plot – this one’s got it all. It essentially combines everything good about the Elder Scrolls series into one adventure. Throw in some killer DLC and free mods, and you’ll be riding glorious HD dragons in no time.

straight out of Lovecraft, stalk Yharnam’s streets.

It also signals a tighter focus; the game takes place over the course of one night in a relatively enclosed location - still more interconnected than the setting of Dark Souls - and the equipment you have access to is much more limited than ever before.

“BloodBorne shifts from dark fantasy to outright horror” This might seem negative, but in the past there have been countless items in these games that were simply redundant. This time, though there will clearly be fan favourite weapons and armour, there’s no objective ‘best’. The old adage in the Souls community that a weapon’s move-set matters a lot more than its stats has never been more true.

Each weapon has two states that can be switched between mid-combo: there’s a cane that turns into a chain-whip, a spear that becomes a rifle, a sword that becomes a sledgehammer. It makes every new weapon you find feel unique and exciting, instead

of just another sword to add to the pile.

A more significant shift is the replacement of shields with firearms. Rather than encouraging the player to pick off enemies from a distance, this addition actually pushes them to be more aggressive. Most guns do little damage, but can be used to stun an enemy mid-attack, facilitating a powerful counter-attack. The game’s cruellest joke is the one wooden shield it contains, utterly worthless, which serves only to point at the player after they’ve been forced to play with guns for hours and say, ‘See how much better this is?’.

But to say what really keeps me coming back: it’s stepping into a carriage by the edge of a lake and stepping out at the other end in a snowy wasteland, to find the horses all frozen to death; it’s opening a door and realising you’ve been here before, hours earlier, and that all zones are intricately connected; it’s leaping into the lake, hitting the moon’s reflection, and being transported somewhere unrecognizably different. It’s these beautiful, inscrutable, uncanny moments that only Bloodborne has that make it worth playing and replaying.

1. Pokemon Crystal Of course, we can’t talk RPGs without mentioning this series. If you’ve ever wanted to capture animals in spherical cages and force them to do battle against one another, it’s the go-to title.

Crystal is the sister game of Gold & Silver,, introducing the option to capture more legendary Pokemon, some storyline changes, and the ability to play as a girl for the first time.

Nearly 200 hours is required to grab everything in this game, and that ain’t bad for a title released 15 years ago.

36.science&technology

Tuesday 5 May 2015

The Courier

Science Editors: Laura Staniforth and Penny Polson Online Science Editor: Jack Marley

A head of our time Michael Hicks talks the history of head replacement, and where the procedure is head-­ing

O

ne of the biggest pieces of science news to emerge in the last month is the announcement is that the first attempt to transplant a human head is currently in the planning stages at a surgical convention in the United States planned in June, and could take place as early as 2017 if the interest can be drummed up.

It may seem bizarre and pretty unfeasible, but this announcement was not the first time the idea was proposed. Dr. Sergio Canavero of the Turin Advanced Nueromodulation Group, who voiced his idea of a human head transplant back in 2013.

His goal is to use the surgery to help extend the lives of people with severe muscle and nerve degradation and those with terminal cancer.

Unfortunately, and pretty obviously, the operation is far from a simple one, but Dr. Canavero claims that these headache-causing problems (such as the incredibly difficult fusing of the spinal cords and the possible rejection of the new donor head by the body’s immune system) can be surmounted.

“His goal is to use the surgery to help extend the lives of people with severe muscle and nerve degradation and those with terminal cancer”

the spinal cords in anyway, so the monkey newly endowed with a head was unable to move, but it was able to breathe with artificial help. The monkey lived for nine days afterwards, at which point the monkey’s immune system rejected the head.

Despite the lack of success of these surgeries historically, Dr. Canavero is far from discouraged, saying “I think we are now at a point when all of the technical aspects are feasible”.

Dr. Canavero has developed techniques which he believes will allow him to solve the problems currently facing the procedure. Cooling the head and the recipient body in order to prolong the time that the patient’s cells can survive without oxygen, and using a series of small tubes to link together the blood vessels. The spinal cords are then fused together by using the chemical polyethylene glycol to meld the two cords together, and the patient would be induced into a coma and repeatedly shocked over the course of three to four weeks to encourage the growth of new nerve connections. Dr. Canavero has predicted that the patient would be able to move their new face and

Science experimentation with dogs

Dogs have a long history in animal experimentation, where allegations that surgeries were conducted on non-anesthatised dogs in a London medical schools gave rise to early anti-vivsection protests. The 1954 head grafting experimentations conducted by Vladimir Demikhov added to medical knowledge about organ transplants. Some early, bizarre experimentation on animals have created foundations of knowledge in human medicine, and some argue that without these early experiments, we would not have the same medical understanding that we have today. But with significant animal suffering involved with the experimentations, others debate that they simply were not worth the knowledge.

Today, dogs only make up a small percentage of animals used in scientific procedure, with rodents and fish dominating laboratories. According to Home Office statistics, beagles are the main breed used (3,442 beagles were used in 2013), which is generally attributed to the breed’s docile, trusting nature.

Penny Polson speak with their own voice as soon as they wake up, and that physiotherapy would have them up and walking about within a year. Before the plan was even announced, Canavero stated that he’s already got several volunteers lined up for the first wave of surgeries. All I’ll say is that I hope they’re

This isn’t even the first time a head transplant has been attempted. In 1954, Soviet scientist Vladimir Demikhov performed the procedure on a dog. The head and legs of a puppy were grafted on to the back of an adult dog, and when I say the procedure was successful, I mean the dog died in a few days after the surgery. Despite the sad death of said dog, it did show that such an experimental surgery could be performed.

The first actually successful attempt at head transplant surgery took place in 1970 in Cleveland, Ohio. A team lead by Robert White at the Case Western Reverse School of Medicine was able to successfully able to transplant the head of a monkey on to the body of another. The downside of this attempt however, is that they didn’t attempt to join

more patient than me, as I can say that there would be no way that I would be able to sit lying on my back for a whole year; I tried that during first year and stopped when I found out bedsores hurt.

If Dr. Canavero’s highly ambitious and experi-

“The head and legs of a puppy were grafted on to the back of an adult dog, and when I say the procedure was successful, I mean the dog died in a few days after the surgery” mental procedures work, then it’s not an understatement to say that it would revolutionize the world of surgery. Of course, several internet sites have mused over the possibility that this could all be part of a viral campaign to advertise the new Metal Gear Solid game releasing this year. There’s no way that could be the case, right? I don’t know what to believe anymore.

In my Hubble opinion Happy birthday to the Hubble! Iqra Choudhry discusses how it has increased our understanding discusses how it has increased our understanding

O

n Friday April 24th, the Hubble Space Telescope turned twenty-five. Despite its awkward beginnings (it’s vision required correcting after being sent up into space on a complex mission that required $800 million following a devastatingly embarrassing cock-up), the Hubble Space Telescope is considered to be one of, if not the most important telescope at our disposal.

The Hubble Space Telescope allows observers the sharpest and most intricately detailed view of the universe to date – it falls around the Earth in a satellite orbit at a speed of 28,000km an hour, orbiting completely in 97 minutes. Despite this constant motion, the telescope can lock on to a target and track it continuously, which in itself is pretty neat.

Any astronomer in the world can submit a proposal for a project, to try and get time at the Hubble Space Telescope, If the observations in question are deemed important enough, they can be made using a one-of-a-kind work-of-art piece of machinery. The Hubble’s policy of allowing approved scientists a year on observational projects have led to it being at the heart of many important research projects and astronomical discoveries.

The Hubble Space Telescope has played a key role in pinning down the expansion rate of our universe,

by observing distant galaxies, and how quickly they’re moving away from us in the Milky Way. The telescope has also helped us to estimate the age of the universe – somewhere between 13 and 14 billion years old, in case you were wondering.

One of the Hubble’s greatest achievements was the ‘Hubble Deep Field’ image, taken of an ‘empty’ patch of sky in 1995. The resultant image revealed around three thousand galaxies, showing us that the universe was full of galaxies that had been around for billions of years, and that some of them even has supermassive black holes at their centres.

Another of the Hubble’s notable achievements occurred in 1998 - the discovery of ‘dark ener-

“The Hubble Space Telescope has played a key role in pinning down the expansion rate of our universe, by observing distant galaxies”

gy’, the stuff which fills the space between galaxies and speeds up the expansion of the universe, accounting for 68.3% of the mass of the universe with no one having any idea what it actually is.

Although the chances of the Hubble being at the centre of another massive discovery are relatively slim (a second telescope called the James Webb Space Telescope is due to be

Image: Ruffnax

launched in October 2018), it is still expected to contribute to scientific findings for another decade. And it’s successor, the James Webb Space Telescope? Well, only time will tell.

The Courier

technology&science.37

Tuesday 5 May 2015

thecourieronline.co.uk/science c2.science@ncl.ac.uk | @courier_science

Climate talks weather on Louise Bingham summarises the big chats in climate science and policy for 2015

T

he United Nations will meet in Paris in December in its “last chance” to avert dangerous future climate change by deciding upon an eight-point plan.

Climate researchers from seventeen institutions have decided the only way we can hope to avoid future global warming related disasters is to act now upon the following eight key points.

The conference represents the last chance to avert further sea level rise, droughts and heatwaves associated with anthropogenic driven climate change according to the Earth League (an alliance of 17 scientific research institutions). Johan Rockstrom, chair of the Earth League, has stated that the window of opportunity is still open “but just barely”.

It is widely accepted that an increase in global average temperatures of 2°C represents the “safe zone” of global warming. However, Rockstrom has emphasised that this is “the absolute upper limit that the world should aim for” if we wish to enter “into a safe, reasonably stable climate future.”

However, considering the history of inaction on this topic, how successful will these eight goals be?

This conference comes six years after the failed Copenhagen summit which aimed to ad-

dress the same issue. Further, the IPCC issued a “final warning” on the potentially disastrous effects on climate if our greenhouse gas emissions were not drastically reduced over six months prior to the release of this statement.

A draft negotiating text for the Paris summit was drafted at the conference in Geneva in February, which was itself built upon negotiations from Peru last year. A little contradictory considering the carbon footprint of such jet-setting don’t you think?

In order for these goals to be achieved, global carbon emissions will need to peak by 2020 and drop to zero by 2100, or as soon as 2050 by some estimates. This will be no mean feat as the use of fossil fuels and carbon emissions has continually increased for decades, reaching a record 36 billion tonnes last year.

The World Meteorological Organisation also confirmed 2014 as the hottest year on record, with this century witnessing fourteen of the fifteen hottest years on record.

In order to be successful, governments must work together with the more developed countries taking the lead and supporting poorer nations. This was emphasised by Professor Sir Brian Hoskins, of

8 Key Points for UN Parisian Climate Summit 1.

Limit global warming to no more than 2°C 2.

Keep future CO2 emissions below 1 billion tonnes 3.

Establish a zero-carbon society by 2050 4. Distribute responsibility proportionatelay (richer countries helping poorer countries) 5.

Technological advancements and research 6.

Global approach to tackling loss and damage from climate change 7.

Conserving ecosystems and carbon sinks (such as oceans and forests) 8.

Provide climate finance for developing countries.

Imperial College London, who stated that “we are all in this together- we share one planet, we share one atmosphere, we share one climate system.”

This was in line with the spirit of Earth Day, which coincided with the release of the Paris conference statement last week, demonstrating the importance of the natural environment and the need for its protection.

“The conference represents the last chance to avert further sea level rise, droughts and heatwaves associated with anthropogenic driven climate change ” The potential success of the goals will become clearer over the coming months as issues regarding finance and logistics aim to be resolved during the next climate talks held in Bonn, Germany in June. By this time, individual nations will have released their own plans for reducing emissions after China, the US and the EU released an indication of their plans earlier this year. All of this culminates in the UN’s aim of having a new global climate agreement in place by the end of 2015.

Delegates have warned that the hardest work is yet come as negotiators attempt to narrow down the options for damage limitation and then implementing the agreed procedures.

To agree upon a fair and practical deal in Paris is not the be all and end all, we must take action beyond this to tackle what is arguably the biggest issue man-kind will ever face. The success of which will be largely unquantifiable.

Ban Ki-moon summarised the issue perfectly: “Climate Change does not respect borders; it does not respect who you are- rich and poor, small and big. Therefore, this is what we call a ‘global challenge’ which requires global solidarity.”

Whale of the Week Antarctic Minke Whale (Balaenoptera bonaerensis)

Illustration by Becky Irvine

Twit-­boo Matthew Byrne discusses what the new anti-­bullying policy means for Twitter

B

ullying is an increasing problem across the Internet. Usernames and profile pictures grant anonymity. There are obvious benefits to this, it allows unrestricted, non-stigmatised access to the Internet. However anonymity on websites such as YouTube, Twitter and other social media websites allows unsolicited communication between parties, some of which may be malicious and the majority of which is not moderated.

Although services exist to report these users, Twitter’s policy meant that users could only be asked to take down abusive tweets, rather than being banned entirely from the site. Even celebrities are not immune to bullying, as exemplified recently where Sue Perkins left Twitter after receiving death threats when it was rumoured she might replace Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear.

Twitter is the world’s second largest social media network, and because of this it has come under increasing scrutiny due to its relaxed policies concerning bullying. As such, Twitter is now updating its anti-bullying policy and introducing new features to limit abuse and penalise users who send abusive tweets. These include changes to policy violations and violent threats.

“Celebrities are not immune to bullying, as exemplified recently where Sue Perkins left Twitter after receiving death threats” The violent threats policy has been updated so that “threats of violence against others or promoting violence against others” are prohibited.

An update that was needed as the previous policy only addressed “direct, specific threats of violence against others”. This is an important policy change to Twitter’s previously narrow policy as it allows Twitter to act against those that incite violence and those who threaten more broadly.

Twitter can now also block users, whereas before they could only ask users to remove the content.

As well as changing their policies Twitter has also started testing a feature that will help automatically identify abusive comments. Shreyas Doshi, director of product management at Twitter says, “takes into account a wide range of signals and context that frequently correlates with abuse including the age of the account itself, and the similarity of a tweet to other content that our safety team has in the past independently determined to be abusive.”

Opponents to this feature say that it is limiting freedom of speech. However Vijay Gadde, general counsel of Twitter argues “freedom of expression means little as our underlying philosophy if we continue to allow voices to be silenced because they are afraid to speak up. We need to do a better job of combating abuse without chilling or silencing speech.” The feature operates separately to content that is controversial or unpopular, maintaining an open environment that encourages all users participation. By updating its anti-bullying policies and introducing this new feature twitter will limit the amount of abuse that occurs and that should be blocked. However where is the line between a controversial topic and abuse? This remains an issue, one that Twitter has not addressed.

The Courier

puzzles.39

Tuesday 5 May 2015

Puzzles 1

2

7

3

4

9

10

11

Courier Catch-­ phrase

See if you can guess (catch) the common idiom (phrase) shown in these picture combos?

6

5

8

Puzzles Editor: Helen Daly

12

13 13

14

15 16

18

19

24

17

20 23

21 22

“I’m Roy Walker and I heartily endorse this event and/or product”

23

25

Across

Down

1 Capital of France (5) 4 Long-necked animal (7) 7 A rocky peak (3) 8 Slippery water animal (3) 9 Winner (5) 10 French translation of sugar (5) 12 Public attraction which houses animals (3) 13 Academy award (5) 15 Othello villain (4) 16 Curve; - de Triomphe (3) 18 At right angle to ship or aeroplane (5) 19 QI presenter’s first name (3) 23 Shrek species (4) 24 Cobras used by Pharaohs to show their power (4) 25 - Jones, Raider of the lost arc (4)

1 Maths champion (10) 2 Replicate (9) 3 Crucial part of walking; 90s pop band 4 Spacey; quite big (8) 5 - Ferdinand; ‘Take Me Out’ Indie band 6 Well chuffed; intensely happy (8) 11 Keen (5) 14 ‘Hey Ho, Let’s Go’ band (7) 17 Del Boy’s brother (6) 20 Kanye’s nickname (5) 21 Thor’s cheeky brother (4) 22 Donkey (3)

For even more news, views, sports and culture, make sure you head over to thecourieronline. co.uk

Word Link

3 5 2 1

8

2 5 6

6 6

6

9 6 7 8 3

4

7

4 5 2 3 9

Recreation

Jurassic

Lane

_ _ _ _

Find the word that con-­ nects these three words.

Hint: Walk the dog

8 1

40.sportfeatures

Tuesday 5 May 2015

The Courier

The Ultimate Sporting XI: FC Sporto These legends have proved themselves in their chosen sports, but could they cut it on a wet Wednesday night in Stoke? Our writers reckon so

The squad’s striker Michael Jordan stands just an inch shorter than the giant Peter Crouch, but can jump higher than a five story building. This makes the ex-NBA star the perfect spearhead target man in attack, as he would be able to finish crosses quicker than the guy from Man vs Food finishes his dinner. One of the most marketed basketball players of all time, Jordan’s number nine shirt would sell out of the club shop like hot cakes, heavily increasing FC Sporto’s revenue as well as goal tally.

Alex Hendley

Michael JORDAN

The box to box midfielder Paula Radcliffe can run for days, like the godly Dean Marney, and undoubtedly holds the “engine” badge on FIFA. Winning the London marathon three times in 2002, 2003 and 2005 - and also holding the women’s marathon world record, Paula is one player on FC Sporto who would never be subbed off. She competed at four consecutive Olympics, clearly having that winner’s mentality.

Alex Hendley

The king of the swingers himself able to put a ball on a sixpence all day, everyday, for five days of a test match. Not only does he boast this accuracy and a record number of England wickets, he is agile in the field and has a strong Lancastrian passive aggression about him. He may pick up the odd yellow card, but it’ll only be for the team’s sake.

Josh Nicholson

Rory McILROY

Jason ROBINSON Robinson is no stranger to the wing. In fact the little magician loves the white line even more than Nigella Lawson.

Expect the 2003 world champion to lurk ominously out wide and watch as he winds up the springs in his legs and sets off like roadrunner on speed. The 5 foot 8 star might not offer much from set pieces but he’d run rings around Gary Neville and still have time to clean his gold medal.

Calum Wilson

The youngest player on the team at 25, Rory trots down the right flank, with the help of Dame Kelly behind him.

The pinpoint aim acquired from being one of the world’s greatest golfers would make his crossing second to none, a real danger with Michael Jordan lurking in the box. Winning three straight Ryder Cups and being a four time major champion, McIlroy knows what success tastes like and would add to the winning mentality to this team of superstars.

Alex Hendley

Jonny WILKINSON

James ANDERSON

FC Sporto’s attacking midfielder Jonny Wilkinson scored over a thousand points for England in his time as one of the world’s greatest rugby players, with long shots on him that would rival Frank Lampard. His experience as an international sportsman is vital, winning 91 caps with England in which he came out victorious in 67 of them, while his stocky figure makes him the perfect partner to play off Michael Jordan. All fans alike would be keen to see him squatting over a free-kick in world-famous style.

Alex Hendley Former England and Durham stalwart ‘safe hands’ Collingwood would be a fantastic addition to the squad. With some of the most outrageous catches and panther like reflexes nothing would get past this sporting hero. If you don’t believe me, watch his slip catches on YouTube in the Ashes. Unbelieveable tekkers.

Josh Nicholson

Paula RADCLIFFE

Dame Kelly HOLMES

Lewis HAMILTON Quick in the driver’s seat and fast out of the lane, Lewis Hamilton has been a champion racer for as long as most people can remember. Lewis’s slim and slender build was made for the wings, darting in and out of defences and supporting one-two link up plays with the wings. Here’s hoping he can lead his team to the chequered flag!

Huezin Lim

Sir Steve REDGRAVE

Rahul DRAVID

Five time rowing gold medallist and all around ox, Sir Steve would be Gandalfesque in not letting anyone passed. As well as strength and leadership, the control he had in a rowing boat circa Sydney 2000 will help keep the back line organised and composed.

Josh Nicholson

Known as ‘the wall’ this Indian cricket legend is the perfect fit for centre back.

A solid defence with a patient style and a good technique there would be no striker that would enjoy taking on this titan. Alongside Sir Steve, a formidable partnership would be formed.

Josh Nicholson

Paul COLLINGWOOD

You would not need to track back with Dame Kelly in defence, the two-time gold medallist is more than capable of doubling up. As a former army sergeant Holmes is the no nonsense type and would not take kindly to flashy wingers. Watch out Ashley Young, this middle distance Olympian is ready for you.

Calum Wilson

The Courier

sportintramural.41

Tuesday 5 May 2015

Civille lay down law to Barca LQ ¿ HVW\ ,QWUD 0XUDO ¿ QDOH

FC Civille proved too mighty for the out of form Barca-Law-Na Photography by Josh Nicholson

Men’s Football FC Civille

4

Barca-Law-Na

0

By Josh Nicholson at Longbenton It is days like these sportsmen dream about. A winner takes all match under the lights at Longbenton, the one and only home of football. The clash of the titans was this time between an FC Civille who needed only to not lose to win the title, and a Barca Law Na side who were on the back of four straight losses.

Beware the wounded animal.

The game started in unsurprisingly cagey fashion with both teams holding tight banks of four and countering. At the twentieth minute an opening was shown for the ever impressive FC Civille. An incisive ball was played through to Harry Payne, who was in a his last game for the team in green, who finished with aplomb into the bottom right hand corner of the helpless Barca Law

Na net. Payne has been a loyal servant for FC Civille down the years boasting five years in the team with one year as captain. A one-club man for sure, but reports from previous players suggest that despite his loyalty, they described him as “ruling with an iron fist”. One thing that cannot be questioned however, is his commitment and enthusiasm to this team and this shone through on a miserable night at Longbenton.

After the goal, Civille became some-

sure leading into half time, the game remained even and the greens marched off the pitch with a positive 1-0 lead in a half that summed up what they were about and why they would end the season as eventual champions.

A rousing half time speech including the words, “This is really really easy lads” from captain Alex McKiernan set them one team on their way. Whilst on the other half of the pitch, Barca were left to scratch their heads as to how they

After 15 minutes of sustained pressure a frustrated Liam Connor was lucky not to go into the referee’s book after several erratic challenges in the space of a few moments. It took until the 70th minute for nerves of the 10 fans, including life president Fred Hartley, to be settled. A swift FC Civille trademark counter attack led to a ball in from the right of the box from top scorer Matt Mitchinson found the effervescent Max Harwood who rifled the ball with his instep into

what nervous with what was, all in all, a vital lead. Heavy pressure was applied to a solid Civille defence with both full backs being bombarded but remaining solid. Chances were few and far between but Barca Law Na’s Sam Black nearly burnt Civille’s bridge of an early lead with a break away attack, only to be halted by the geotechnic rock, Robbie Altinyoller, in net. Despite this pres-

were 1-0 down despite being on the attack most of the first half. The second half started in a much similar vein with the clearly suffering and anxious FC Civille on the back foot but holding strong with Michael Lyndon and Chris Robinson being firm in the middle of the back line with support from Akram Abouaesha and Josh Nicholson at full back.

the top corner. Mass celebrations commenced as this goal would be the one that opened up the flood gates. Mitchinson added another in no time at all and then scored a second goal that can only be described as sublime and ridiculous. Payne broke free of the defenders shackles and found himself with a huge amount of time and space. Selflessly, he slipped the ball to the open Mitchinson

“It is days like these sportsmen dream about. A winner takes all match under the lights at Longbenton, the home of football”

Newcastle University Women’s Volleyball

who did an incredible turn on the ball and back-heeled into an empty net. A feat he says he “wouldn’t have tried if it was still 1-0, but I had to do it”. This is not to take away from Barca Law Na who were belligerent until the last and deserved much more from a game that they would have had high hopes for.

At the end of the game we spoke with life president and lifelong fan Fred Hartley and captain McKiernan, who both mentioned the support of the loyal fans who created an intimidating atmosphere for the travelling team. Mckiernan “did not see it but the team showed incredible character and quality, we found moments of clarity in key areas and that led to a lot of quality and now we’ve won the league”. Life President Hartley, who could be seen amongst those fans, supposed that “We’ve done a lot of work marketing the team this year, and it was good to come down, have a beer with the fans and watch the boys win the league and clinch promotion, it really is what football is about”.

FC Civille are back in the big time and will hope that they can replace key players and fight for their survival in what will be tough year for the club.

42.sportfeatures

Tuesday 5 May 2015

The Courier

“The course starts by the Redheugh Bridge. It starts out pretty straight and there are two crucial moments where the race can be won or lost. The first is as the crews go through the Swing Bridge. For about 30 seconds under the bridge you can’t actually see your opponents as you go through different arches, so it is not uncommon for crews to put in a push to try and surprise each other. Newcastle have a history of being behind at the Swing Bridge but being ahead coming out the other side.”

“Racing on the Tyne requires a great deal of skill as the water is very bumpy in the centre of town.”

“If you are on the Newcastle side and are not ahead by this point then it is very unlikely you will win the race. The races are often so close that they are decided in the last 400m between the Tyne Bridge and the Millennium Bridge.”

“The second key point is going through the Tyne Bridge. This is where there is only about 400m left of rowing and the Gateshead side has a slight advantage due to the corner.”

The Courier

sportfeatures.43

Tuesday 5 May 2015

The Boat Race of the North returns We look at where the race will be won and lost, with the help of alumnus and Boat Race veteran Murray Wilkojc

“F

or years Durham were the dominant force in rowing in the North East until around 10 years ago when Newcastle appointed Italian super-coach Angelo Savarino.

A big aim of Savarino’s was to knock Durham off their perch and make Newcastle the predominant rowing team in the North East. Savarino was so suc-

cessful that from 2011 onwards (having lost the previous two races) Durham refused to race Newcastle and the event died.Rather then bringing an end to the rivalry this has whetted the appetite even more for the 2015 edition. The two rowing institutions really don’t get on.

Whilst most of Newcastle University Sport has a bitter rivalry with Northumbria, for the boat club it has always been

Durham.

When I raced we were still underdogs and upsetting the odds and beating Durham in front of our own crowd was up there with my very best days. The noise as we came into the town centre was deafening as thousands of spectators lined the banks cheering for the home town team.

Similarly I have lost the race and those

memories are up there with my worst memories in the sport. Losing the Derby to your rivals in your city is a brutal blow and takes a long time to get over.

Since the last edition of the race Newcastle have continued to go from strength to strength under coach Savarino and Durham have enjoyed a mini resurgence so this years race promises to go down as one of the best ever.”

“When I raced we were still underdogs and upsetting the odds and beating Durham in front of our own crowd was up there with my very best days. The noise as we came into the town centre was deafening as thousands of spectators lined the banks cheering for the home town team” +RZ WR ¿ W LQ DW WKH URZLQJ D QRYLFH¶V JXLGH

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“The noise from the spectators is phenomenal. Its like racing in a stadium.”

“Winning is the best feeling of your career.

Losing is the lowest it gets.”

or those of us unfortunate enough to have grown up far from the regatta-mad environs of Eton Dorney or Henley (Dusty Springfield’s buried there by the way, if you’re ever in the area and need a soul queen to mourn of a dull Thursday), rowing can appear to be a bizarre pageant of shouting, blazers you might politely refer to as ‘snazzy’ and the kind of people who look like they wouldn’t blink twice at being asked to drink a yard of ale.

However, it’s really very easy to fit in. The rowing people aren’t so very different from you: they just know the difference between a pontoon and a jetty and are generally extremely attractive. That’s not their fault. That’s just good breeding.

One way you can ingratiate yourself is to avail yourself of some of the special words rowing people use to refer to their special rowing bits and bobs. For example, the things they splosh into the water to propel themselves glory-ward are known as ‘boat-goers’. (Rowing folk are very literal by nature.) Similarly, the boat dictator, or ‘cocks’, is so called because the first of their kind were tasked with taken vats of live chickens to market in the fastest possible time in order to ensure the best prices. When they arrived at whatever the medieval equivalent of Lidl was, they’d be greeted with delighted shouts of “Cocks! Cocks! Cocks!”

Cocks.

If that sounds too much like hard work, just learn some stock phrases which will make you blend in like a bull in a Chinese takeaway shop. “Splosh harder with yer boat-goers, men and women of the mighty waves” is a bit of a cliche these days, I know, but you shouldn’t run before you can walk. Or, indeed, row.

Tom Nicholson

War of the rows-­es Sport Editor Jonty Mawer puts on his prognosticating pullover and looks to the BUCS season to see who’s going to come out on top

F

inally, the Boat Race of the North has returned. On the 9th of May, the Tyne will become a battleground between the competing crews of Durham and Newcastle universities.

The race itself has been going since 1997 and was run annually until 2010 until the competition was put on hold.

This year, however, and after a 5-year absence, the famous 1500-meter boat race is back and is set to be a riveting contest.

The regatta itself is complied of four races for four separate trophies. There is the Taylor Trophy race between the two novice women’s crews, the Renforth Trophy for the novice men, then the Chambers Trophy for the senior women and the Clasper Trophy for the senior men.

Now these two universities have a rich and much-decorated history as far as rowing goes. Both Durham and Newcastle compete at the highest university and national level. The first half of both of their seasons have been riddled with tough and competitive head races on the Tideway in London but now as we enter the summer season, they will have altered their training patterns to prepare for oncoming regattas. The Boat Race of the North, unlike its Oxbridge equivalent, is a regatta course; its 1500-meter length requires a sprint approach from both crews.

Newcastle has had a very successful season and will be hoping to continue that form, as regatta season gets under way. Their most important weekend of the year, however, is currently ongoing at the BUCS Regatta being held at the National Watersports Centre in Nottingham.

During this prestigious three day event, all the top university crews from around the UK will be competing to become the most prestigious crew of the 2015 season and hopes are high for a great deal of success for the NUBC. In the back of their minds, however, the rowers will be thinking about this race and hoping that they can play their individual role well enough to bring rowing victory back to the shores of the Tyne.

After all things considered and the nature of the two clubs, it will be incredibly difficult to predict who will reign victorious over the course of the four races. The senior men will undoubtedly prove to be the fiercest contest but despite the women’s strong showing at the Head of the River races in London, Durham has come out on top and it can be expected that they will do so once again in the Race.

The crowd will be roaring, the tides will be high and the excitement and anticipation is great for this year’s Boat Race. The differences in the two crews have shrank significantly and this may be the last race for several of the rowers. One can only hope they create the a memory to last a lifetime and not a moment of what could have been.

Jonty Mawer

Sport

www.thecourieronline.co.uk Tuesday 5 May 2015 Issue 1311 Free

thecourieronline.co.uk/sport

Sports Editors: Peter Georgiev, Jonty Mawer & Huezin Lim Online Sports Editor: Josh Nicholson courier.sport@ncl.ac.uk | @Courier_Sport

NUAFC snatch cup with late winner BOAT RACE PREVIEW P. 42

WHO MAKES OUR TEAM OF UNLIKELY FOOTBALL STARS? P. 40 Men’s Football Newcastle University 1sts 2 Hazlerigg Victory 1sts

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By Calum Wilson at Longbenton It has been a season to remember for Newcastle’s footballers, having finished as champions of BUCS Northern 1a the lads then completed the double by winning the Northumbria FA Minor Cup Final against Hazlerigg Victory FC. NUAFC fell behind early in the second half but recovered to take the game to extra time. In a feisty affair, Hazlerigg lost their heads and two red cards saw them reduced to nine men. Uni capitalised and with four minutes left on the clock Joey Laver struck to seal the trophy.

Cheered on by a large vocal support, Hazlerigg made life tough for Newcastle and set out to bully their opponents in a physical affair. The first half passed largely without incident as both sides struggled with cup final nerves.

An uncharacteristically poor pass from left back Jack Taylor gifted Hazlerigg the opening early in the second half. Conceding first has become a bad habit for NUAFC recently, but they more often than not have managed to recover.

Midfielder Tom Espin burst into the box to head in Angus Taylor’s fantastic left footed cross to bring the match level. Referee Martin Docherty then dismissed two Hazlerigg players in quick

challenge for us against a good Hazlerigg side but persistence and composure saw us edge a cagey affair”.

It has been a historic few weeks for NUAFC. Having won their league, the lads are in contention for a place in the Premier North. Despite beating Liverpool in the first match, Newcastle then lost 0-4 to Sheffield Hallam, meaning they just missed out on a place in the Premier division.

Despite the play off disappointment,

Hallam last week. With so much hope, and promotion, on the line the game could yield yet more delight for NUAFC. However, football can be cruel mistress and it wasn’t to be on a nervy day away in the depths of the Yorkshire countryside.

The usual suspects stepped out but whether it be the journey or that Newcastle’s first team were jaded from what has been a marvellous season already, who knows. The game started as you’d

“It has been a historic few weeks for NUAFC. Having won their league, the lads are in contention for a place in the Premier North” succession but the Victory held on to take the match to extra time.

With a two-man advantage, Newcastle had most of the possession and created plenty of chances to win it. Eventually the pressure told and Taylor, Ames and Rew combined on the left hand side before pulling the ball back to Joey Laver who finished from 12 yards.

Captain Jack Taylor expressed his delight to The Courier. “It was a really big

it has been a glorious year for the Newcastle boys. “The cup win was the icing on a very good season for us. It is fantastic to win some local silverware, especially for our managers”, Taylor explained.

Despite the joys of the Northumberland Cup victory there was heartbreak, as mentioned, for the University XI in their prestigious play off game for premier league football against Sheffield

expect, a cagey affair with some strong challenges and strong words exchanged.

Until the 26th minute when Hallam gained a penalty from a coming together in the area which was dually despatched by the clinical striker. After that NUAFC piled on the pressure but simply could not find that final finishing flourish. The usually ever so reliable Olly Walker just provide that one moment of quality that would have turned

the game on its head. First firing over from 15 yards, then curling a free kick into the keeper’s arms from 30 yards.

Social media from the club is always a delight, and after half time a desperate tweet quoting the lyrics of ‘Sven Sven Sven’ appeared to try and spur the team home. It seemed to have the desired effect right up until the last 20 minutes that saw three quick, clinical and somewhat controversial goals leave Newcastle longing for more. The third Sheffield goal was a particular point of controversy. A clear handball was missed by a referee, who Newcastle will feel had a poor game but these are fine margins, fine margins that change games. With that confidence oozing in their play Hallam went on to clinch a fourth.

With that result, Newcastle will continue to play in the Northern 1A but they will definitely be delighted from their first sesaon in the new division.

They were one win away from gaining promotion once again and all the pressure will be on them to continue this run of form in the next year. They will be favourites to top the division against next year and as a result, all the teams will be looking out for Newcastle lads but no one in Newcastle will be taking