www.thecourieronline.co.uk Monday 23 February 2015 Issue 1306 Free
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how to get to every game p. 40
The Independent Voice of Newcastle Students
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Uni defends former involvement in ‘deplorable’ baboon experiments
Anti-vivisectionists object to newly published work on baboons Experiments “breached guidelines”, say activists Uni: Important work would have been impossible without primates
Photo: BUAV
By Antonia Velikova News Editor Environmental activists from the British Union for Abolition of Vivisection (BUAV) have expressed their criticism towards Newcastle University researchers for publishing research based on controversial experiments with wild baboons at the Institute for Primal Research in Kenya in 2013. According to the activists, these experiments have been “unnecessary” and “unhelpful” and extremely damaging to the population of wild baboons in Kenya. In response, the University confirmed that involvement in any research involving the capture of wild baboons has been discontinued. “The baboons that were captured are considered as ‘pests’ by farmers in the local area and as such are routinely shot or trapped,” said Professor Paul Flecknell of the Institute of Neuroscience. “The university reconsidered its position in December 2013, particularly in relation to the stress of capture and movement to the Kenya Primate Centre, and decided we should not continue our involvement.” “More than 90% of medical research at Newcastle does not involve experiments on animals and the University is committed to the development of alternative methods, such as computer modelling,” another University spokesman confirmed for The Courier. BUAV have launched a petition to end the “cruel capture and captivity of wild baboons in Kenya.” The petition has now gathered over 45,000 signatures. In response to Newcastle University’s statement, BUAV issued the following reply by Dr. Jarrod Bailey, Senior
Research Scientist at BUAV: “To attempt to justify the use of wild caught primates in these cruel experiments because they were labelled as ‘pests’ is deplorable. Regardless of how long the baboons were held at the Institute of Primate Research, these animals were once living freely before being cruelly snatched from their homes and social groups and kept in solitary confinement under conditions which seriously compromised their welfare and breached international guidelines. “Newcastle University rightly put an end to its involvement in these baboon experiments in Kenya, but only after BUAV’s exposé. Whatever the university says, there is no getting around the fact that it funded its researchers to flout UK laws and guidelines, by travelling to Kenya to perform unnecessary and unhelpful experiments on, and kill, baboons.” The organisation has published a video on YouTube showing graphic footage of baboons undergoing medical experiments. The video is from BUAV’s undercover investigation Captive Cruelty in Kenya and claims to expose the cruel conditions of life in the Institute for Primal Research. In response to the footage a spokesperson from the University told The Courier: “We cannot confirm that the footage portrays Newcastle research work, or whether it is more general footage from the Primate Research Institute.” “Ultimately this project is designed to help people regain movement after recovering from a stroke. To do this, new regions of the brain have to be studied, work that was not possible Continued on page 4
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The Courier
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Love the environment: green activists march on Valentine’s Day By Jack Marley
Newcastle students, in partnership with the Green Party, staged a demonstration at Grey’s Monument last Saturday to protest against the University’s continued investment in fossil fuel companies, and to urge people to support the divestment movement. While most people might only associate February the 14th with Valentine’s Day, the date is shared with Global Divestment Day. This is a worldwide initiative by environmental pressure groups to highlight the threat of climate change and to promote ethical financial leadership on the issue amongst public and private institutions.
of December we tabled a motion to the Student Union council, asking that they support the divestment effort and it passed with a majority of 83%. Now we need to convince the executive board, and we’ll get our chance to do that in April.” The demonstration saw several members of the Fossil Free campaign and the Green Party unfurl banners at the foot of Grey’s monument. Despite the arrival of several vocal members of the English Defence League, the students continued undaunted. Cameron Christian, a Northumbria student, was the first to address the crowd: “Drastic changes need to be made to our infrastructure to tackle
AB'C.%*':0#-5$)':65.>)'#+'5'25:$D',6#0"&).'5&)' "3#.>'E):5/+)'%2'#$'DQG IRU WKH À UVW WLPH HYHU ZH KDYH :0#-5$)'&)2/>))+F Representing the Newcastle contingent in this global event was Loïc Jacob, a member of People and Planet society’s Fossil Free campaign and a 3rd year marine engineering student. He said: “Today’s about raising awareness. We’re not trying to convince people to get rid of fossil fuels altogether, just to promote a shift in the way we look at this problem. Society isn’t moving fast enough, and fossil fuel companies won’t act unless we make themchange has to come from us.” Since the launching of Fossil Free Newcastle in 2014, the student-run campaign has made significant progress, as Loïc maintains: “On the 5th
climate change, and that means moving towards a resource based economy.” Cameron argued that the shedding of the University’s fossil fuel endowments would represent a significant step towards reforming current economic standards of practise in line with the ambitious societal changes needed to survive climate change. “The situation calls for drastic actions to remain within two degrees of warming”, he said, referring to the limit decided by world leaders as the maximum threshold of temperature increase that can be allowed in order to prevent runaway climate change. In a show of support for the divest-
ment effort, representatives from the Green Party were in attendance. Party member Tony Waterston spoke of “the essential need to end the era of fossil fuels”, not only for environmental reasons but also as a health imperative. “As a paediatrician and a scientist, I know climate change is a fact. Children are dying because of it and for the first time ever we have climate refugees. It’s why the British Medical Association voted to divest last year,” he continued. Tony lauded the health benefits of an environmentally friendly lifestyle, including increased exercise from switching to bicycles as a mode of transport and abstaining from eating meat, as “vegetarians are shown to live ten years longer on average than meat eaters.” Alison Whalley, the Green Party’s candidate for Newcastle North, reiterated the Party’s support for the student campaign, including “its flip side, which is increased investment in green energy.”
She also called on all present to ensure they were registered to vote in the May general election, and to vote Green if the issues raised at the demonstration resonated with them. Cameron Christian finished with the announcement that Northumbria University students would set out to start a divestment campaign of their own. As the protest wound down, Loïc Jacob offered The Courier an insight into the vision behind Newcastle’s next step. Referring to Glasgow University’s decision to divest last year, Loïc asserted that “we will follow Glasgow’s lead”. He also pointed out that their case was significant because they won’t be relying on a student rep to make their case for them. He explained: “Fossil Free will address the executive board directly and we’ve been successful so far but they might be hoping we’ll get tired and lose momentum. Ultimately, we’re in it to the end.”
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The Courier
Monday 23 February 2015
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RAG fashion show raises nearly £3000 By Sinéad Corkett-Beirne On Thursday 19 February the annual Raising and Giving (RAG) Fashion Show was held at NUSU. The night was an overwhelming success as masses of students flocked into the venue, occupying every available seat as they watched the event unfold. The show was presented by Joe Shaw and Jo Whitty, a duo who not only share the same name but also the same sense of humour. The pair commenced by explaining the charities that the studentled committee selected to raise funds for this year: Caroline’s Rainbow Foundation and the Albert Kennedy Trust.
had to do a double-check with the programme for any involvement of Johnson’s baby oil in this part of the show. Many of the performers grabbed the attention of the audience. Will Connor, a third year Biology student, performed renditions of the hit singles ‘Too Close’ by Alex Clare and ‘All of Me’ by John Legend on his acoustic guitar. The Dance Society also provided some popular acts, such as a group of breakdancers that impressed the crowd. In addition to this, Louisa Barnard, a first year student, performed a solo tapdance routine which left the audience tapping their feet vigorously on the floor as they made their way to refreshments at the interval.
!"#$%&$'()'*+,-$%./%*$*.$'0%)(%1#$% *+2$%'34./%053+6%+&&$+'$6%1)%.$%1#$% SRSXODU KLW RI WKH HYHQLQJµ Alice Nicholl, the Entertainment Coordinator, explained: “The charities we’ve chosen are for personal reasons. Caroline’s Rainbow helps to promote safe travel to young people, and after the tragic deaths of two medical students in Borneo, Aidan Brunger and Neil Dalton, we felt this would be a suitable choice. “The Albert Kennedy Trust supports lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender homeless young people, which we we feel is an excellent cause.” Coincidentally, the fashion show took place just days before the start of NUSU’s LGBT Awareness Week. One of the models was Amr Alkhaznadar, a third year Mechanical Engineering student. He explained how he got involved with the fashion show: “We just auditioned, waited to find out if we got accepted and everyone was assigned walks.” The first to take to the stage were a group of male and female models wearing clothes designed by Urban Outfitters. Floppy hats, knee-length pinafores, khaki jackets and rolled up three-quarter jeans hit the runway. The 31 models who participated in the show were all current students and strutted professionally down the catwalk without a single fall. This was followed by a quick change backstage into an assortment of vintage clothes by The Yesterday Society, a local brand which is situated inside Grainger Market. Nick Robinson, first year Urban Planning student, was one of those who took part in the show. He said afterwards: “I was quite nervous at the beginning, when I had to do my first walk, but then you sort of shake it off and go with it and it turns into this great experience.” The performance by members of the male rugby squad appeared to be the popular hit of the evening, as demonstrated when the presenters scanned the room, asking several audience members what the highlight of their night had been. The team’s routine consisted of them appearing dressed in nothing but a bow-tie and a pair of underpants. One
There was a slightly raunchy side to the show as models sashayed around on stage wearing pieces from the Fifty Shades of Grey-inspired collection recently launched by Ann Summers to coincide with the film’s release. This was followed by free T-shirts being thrown at random into the audience which had the title of the film printed on the back, much to the delight of the crowd. The highly-anticipated Topshop/Topman collection also did not disappoint. This season’s trends were as much of a hit with the crowd as the background song, ‘Uptown Funk’ by Mark Ronson and Bruno Mars. George Snape, a second year Urban Planning student, was plucked from his seat on the front row by presenter Joe Shaw who urged him to show the models how it is really done. The warm reception he received from the crowd meant that he quickly overcame his initial stage of embarrassment and he agreed to brave the catwalk. The show drew to a close with final walks by Dr. Martens, which Joe Shaw described as “bootylicious”, and Jack Wills, who showcased their “fabulously British” designs which consisted of coloured corduroy trousers, tweed blazers and body warmers. Members of the RAG committee rounded the night up by gathering on stage to thank all those involved and showing their appreciation for the audience, who donated generously. The event raised a total of £2,845. Nick said: “The turnout was incredible, it’s a great amount to donate to these wonderful charities.” Amr was also pleased with how the evening went, saying: “It was wonderful. We got to wear really nice clothes but it was also a great social experience. We made a lot of new friends.” He continued: “We raised a lot of awareness for the Albert Kennedy Trust and the LGBT community... and we’re going to be selling the video soon, actually. The video for the whole night will be on sale for about £2 a copy and all proceedings will go to the charities as well.”
Images: Cat Schroeter
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Monday 23 February 2015
The Courier
“Not to publish the results would be unethical” Continued from front page other than with the use of primates. “Research is also dedicated to understanding animal behaviour and improving the welfare and well-being of animals.” Professor Flecknell added: “The animals used by the Newcastle researchers were not housed long term, but were used as rapidly as possible in studies conducted entirely under general anaesthesia.” “Current and future published papers relating to the work in Kenya are not the result of further animal testing in this locality,” “This is research that had already been completed and any decision not to publish the results would be unethical, as animals were used in those studies.” In response to this statement, Dr. Bailey has said that he finds the sole fact that the research has been published when conducted under these terms very problematic. “The university’s recent publication of those experiments serves not only to remind us of their terrible nature, but also to demonstrate its lack of genuine concern over them,” Dr. Bailey commented in a statement. “If carrying out the research on wild baboons was considered unacceptable by the University because of welfare issues, we question why is it then acceptable to publish the results of that
research. I’m certain that most alumni and local people, of which I am both, are desperately disappointed at the university’s conduct and attitude.” The Captive Cruelty campaign conducted by BUAV has received a lot of celebrity support as well. Some of the more well-known names in the list of its supporters are Wildlife Expert and Presenter Chris Packham, actress Joanna Lumley, and comedian Ricky Gervais. “The findings from the BUAV investigation into the use of baboons for research in Kenya is very distressing,” Gervais has been quoted as saying. “The UK desn’t allow experimentation on wild-caught primates and I hope that the findings of this investigation will make a real difference to stopping the practice in Kenya and other countries.” The issue of ethics regarding animal research has been hotly debated all across the country and Newcastle, as a leading research university, takes a firm stand on the matter. “Research using animals has helped conquer many of the world’s diseases and other health problems and is crucial to the fight against cancer, heart disease, diabetes and other conditions which are prevalent in the 21st century,” a university spokesman has told The Courier. According to university policy, animals can only be used in research when there is strictly no other alternative.
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Richard Branson to visit campus
of success in 2015.” Chris Dawson, Newcastle graduate and founder of Gateshead based On 3 March Northern Stage will business One Utility Bill, is one of the welcome the founder of Virgin Media, lucky few to be granted tickets for the Sir Richard Branson. event. He is one of the first-year cohort The event will take place between 9am of Founderships students receiving and 12pm. It will be hosted by Virgin support from Rise Up. When asked StartUp and its partner in the North about the idea behind his business he East, TEDCO, and supported by Virgin commented: “After living in student Money. and !?#8&#),26)/22@+,-) accommodation The event is part rented student houses of Virgin StartUp’s 52&)6(#)A+--#$6)+1#%$) at university there was search for three always arguments and businesses which will 6(%6),##1)%)$*+6'%$#) stress about utility receive an exclusive bills.” 5*//)25)'%$(9 30 minute mentoring “We wanted to session delivered by Branson himself. change utilities for students forever, for Some of the country’s newest and the better. From the very beginning, our most promising businesses will be aim was to ensure that students got the in attendance hoping to compete for best deal, a simple deal and a fair deal.” Branson’s mentoring advice that will Joining Branson for the event will be target their business specifically. entrepreneurs Sir Brian Souter, founder The Virgin StartUp website details of Stagecoach and Jim Cregan, founder that the event will provide: “first hand of Jimmy’s Iced Coffees. advice on launching with a bang; Gareth Trainer, Assistant Director for winning customers and collaborating the Careers Service Entrepreneurial with companies that can help you grow.” Development told The Courier: “I As part of the application process in hope that the buzz around the event order to attend the event, businesses will inspire all students to stop and had to state how much funding they consider whether freelance work, selfdesired from Virgin StartUp, alongside employment or business start-up is details regarding the stage of their something they might think about as a business and what the funding would career choice at University or when they help them achieve. graduate.” The funding available ranged from He continued: “the event will give £500 to £25,000. The Virgin StartUp students insights directly from one of the website claims: “we’re not looking for world’s most successful entrepreneurs the biggest ideas that need a suitcase full to help them make up their mind. of cash. We’re simply looking for start“We are delighted that Sir Richard will ups that look to have the biggest chance be coming on to our campus”
By Kate Dewey News Editor
The Courier
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Monday 23 February 2015
London campus to open this year
Professor Chris Brink, Newcastle University’s Vice-Chancellor, said “We are always looking for ways to enhance the Newcastle University has announced educational experience we offer and to plans to open a campus in London. provide different opportunities for our The campus will allow international students, staff and partners. students to gain degrees from Newcastle “This new campus will provide a University whilst studying in London. It London hub for our Triple Accredited will be partly run by INTO University Business School and allow us to develop Partnerships Limited, the company re- further the work we do with indussponsible for the INTO Centre at New- try through our Continuing Executive castle. and Professional Development proThe campus will offer courses at un- grammes.� dergraduate and postgraduate level to Professor Brink continued: “This ex1,200 international students. When the citing development will complement campus opens in September 2015 it will our international profile... Having a only offer Business programmes, but base in one of the most influential citthere is a possibility to expand proviies in the world sion to other subwill help reinject areas in the !"#$%&'()$**&)+,$*%(-,+.( force Newcas+.&()/0,+/#()$1#2(3&/*( tle University’s future. INTO already has for 3$'&($00$'+1*,+,&%( reputation a large presence in innovation and 4$'(5&-)/%+#&67/%&2( academic excelLondon, and Newcastle’s campus lence.� 81%,*&%%(%+12&*+%9 will operate out of Newcastle is existing INTO facilities. The campus one of only ten UK universities that has will include two lecture theatres and 25 a partnership with INTO. INTO moved teaching and seminar rooms. Students into state-of-the-art buildings in 2012, will have online access to the Robinson and the relationship continues to grow Library, as well as a campus library, and stronger. the campus will have its own Student INTO’s Chairman, Andrew Colin, Wellbeing Adviser. said of the new campus: “Newcastle The Business School is currently University is a leading university with home to 3,000 students and moved into strong international credentials and its purpose-built nine-storey premises a well-earned reputation for research in 2011. The new London branch will excellence. We’re proud to be working house a Research Hub and may lead to with Newcastle to establish its London new links with national and interna- campus and deliver world-class opportional businesses that are based in the tunities with an international focus.� capital. INTO has faced opposition in many Closer connections with the capital universities and from the UCU, who ascould mean more opportunities for sociate it with a way of privatising uniNewcastle-based Business students. versities.
By Mark Sleightholm Online News Editor
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Biologist creates Malteser Mash for cash By Josie Melvin Clare Fearon, third year Biology and Psychology student, has recently launched her first business venture. She is the President and one of the founders of Newcastle University’s Baking Society and her passion for baking inspired her business. Clare is the proud owner of Clare’s Squares, a baking business that sells tasty handmade square treats. Clare’s Squares sells a variety of baked goods; categorized into Fudge, Chocolate Squares, Cookie Squares, Biscuits, Flapjacks, Brownies and Blondies. The shop also has a variety of personalised options, which can take the form of a message in the delivering packaging of the ‘squares’, or alternatively an edible message can be placed on several of the different bakes sold. On Clare’s page it also states that: “If you don’t see exactly what you’re craving, feel free to make a special request and I’ll see what I can do!� When The Courier asked Clare what she would recommend someone to get if they could only try one thing from her store she said: “probably Malteser Mash, it’s a mix of chocolate, Maltesers and digestive biscuit crumbs and then more chocolate drizzled on top, it’s delicious!� Clare said she has always been inter-
ested in baking, and used to bake with her mum from an early age. However, Clare never thought seriously about it until she came to University, where she remembers the first time she baked in halls: “everyone seemed so amazed that I could make caramel!� The idea of owning her own cake shop was something she had thought about for a while, but never really thought would happen. Yet, with the encouragement of her friends Clare set up her Etsy page last summer. “After that it really took off !� Clare told The Courier. Clare’s business started to become extremely popular very soon after she had set it up, with no major difficulties bar moving all her equipment between Newcastle and home. Clare has created a successful business involving something she loves doing at an impressively young age. She said that her advice for young people also thinking about starting up a business of their own would be: “Just go for it. As a student I don’t feel like I would have a lot to lose right now and everything to gain so it is a great time to at least try to start something! “Also visit Rise Up at the Careers Service. It’s a great resource that a lot of universities don’t have. They’re incredibly helpful with all the technical and financial aspects of running a business. Well worth a visit!�
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Monday 23 February 2015
The Courier
Profs launch homemade app platform
Professor Patrick Olivier, Head of Human-Computer Interaction in the School of Computing Science said: “App Researchers from Newcastle University Movement is a revolutionary concept in have developed a platform that allows mobile app development that allows anyone and everyone to create their communities to commission their own own mobile applications, which will be apps and address issues at the grassroots able to launch on both Android and Ap- level. This platform will enable civic acple phones. tion on the problems that matter most Professor Patrick Oliver and re- to local communities and democratise search associate Andrew Garbett have access to mobile technology in the fulaunched App Movement, a brand new ture.� online service that enables any individThe aim is to open up app developual, organisation ment for the com!"##$%&'()(*+$ or community to munity. Allowing create their own people to set up (*,&-./0(1$('(.2&*($ mobile app from their own apps in34&$51$5*+(.(1+(6$ scratch, from the stead of paying the initial ideas stage, expensive prices of +&$0(+$5*'&7'(68 right through to professionals will publishing their own multi-platform liquidise the market, setting a precedent application. for home development. The idea was born from the researchThe researchers behind the project ers’ recent success with Feed Finder, an are hoping to gain an insight into how application that allows mothers to find groups and communities can work toclose by breastfeeding locations and gether to moderate and maintain inalso allows them to leave reviews and formation sources, created entirely by rate local places on how breastfeeding- them. They hope to gather information friendly their establishment is. about how groups use these apps to Currently, there are several different learn more about government and local app ideas waiting on support from the government policies. community including Skatepark Finder, App Movement also raises questions Best Photography Spots in the North about profit and ownership over comEast and Local Bookshop Finder. Like munity generated ideas and applicacrowdfunding sites, App Movement tions, and the semantics of relaying requires a certain amount of support profits back to the community when the from the community to go ahead with original idea was born from a number the app creation, removing the possibil- of different people, no matter how many ity for manipulation of the platform by people are involved after the initial idea. individuals. Find out more at appmovement.com
By Sophie Baines
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The Courier
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Monday 23 February 2015
CU proves there is such a thing as a free lunch behind the Sports Centre, starting at 7pm. While they will retain the informal and welcoming atmosphere of The Christian Union is hosting a week the lunchtime sessions they will also of events inviting discussion about include live music and focus on wider Christianity, from 23 to 27 February. themes within Christianity, such as The week is titled “Who is He?� and is Thursday’s discussion, entitled “The based around promoting debate, focus- Good Shepherd�. Once again free food sing in particular on claims Jesus made will be provided. about himself. On Monday evening a special event is The Christian Union held a similar being held, exclusively for international event last year which proved popular students. This will be on the theme of with students. One of the highlights of “The light of the world� and will follow last year’s event was a sofa area on the the same format as the later evening lawn outside the SU where people could sessions. The talk will take place in two meet members of the Christian Union venues: Jesmond Cafe, in Jesmond Parto discuss their beish Church, and liefs. !@-7%,-./01/23%A3/53%-5<7%CastleGate near As with last year, the Quayside. a free lunch will 15%<.5B/97%01C97310%5>%2==% As well as disbe provided every >2/1-0%D/1-%23%/30/8-1%/315% cussing specific asday for anyone pects of Christian,-./01/23%:7=/7>0* who turns up at ity, such as Jesus, the SU to discuss the week includes that day’s theme. Monday’s lunch kicks the exploration of broader issues. The things off with the somewhat provoca- Christian Union hope to provide stutively titled “Is Jesus just a made up sto- dents of all faiths with an insight into ry?� The discussion will last for about Christian beliefs, as well as the relan hour and has two sittings, from 12-1 evance of Christianity in modern sociand then again from 1-2pm. ety. Many of the talks deal with issues Other themes throughout the week such as suffering and loneliness, and ofinclude Tuesday’s “How can God and fer students the opportunity to discover science co-exist?� and “Outdated and Christian perspectives on these issues. irrelevant: why should I bother with The week aims to promote greater Christianity?� which takes place on Fri- discussion and understanding of the day. Anyone is welcome to attend the Christian religion, and the organisers lunches, regardless of their beliefs, since are keen to stress their invitation to all the aim of the events is to explore issues students to attend the events. in an open and inviting way. The following week will see the IslamAs well as the lunchtime discussions, ic Society host their annual Discover each day will have a longer talk in the Islam Week. evening. From Tuesday to Friday these events will be held at St Luke’s Church,
By Mark Sleightholm Online News Editor
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LGBT+ awareness week to challenge negative stereotypes
World HQ sets the record straight on ‘ticketgate’ furore By Antonia Velikova News Editor
62/,'$5,7< 7KLV LV WKH YHU\ Ă€ UVW /*%7 ZHHN LQ WKH 8QLYHUVLW\ !"#$%&'12304+5'6%*-*0. a Memorial Stall while also seeing Newcastle University’s LGBT Society hosting their own stall to highlight the valuThis week sees Newcastle University able work they do on campus. These host its very first LGBT+ awareness stalls will be ran by different people so week. The initiative was started by the will vary in style and content. A selecUnion’s welfare team to raise awareness tion of talks have also been scheduled of the lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans and will be led by students. communities on campus and to address On Monday evening at 5pm ‘Queerissues that are ofstion Time’ will ten related to these !E23F%5>%G7D4201=7%A3/H be held in the SU’s communities. Part History Room. The of the weeks’ aims B7.0/1FI0%0<5.10%17260%D/==%evening offers stuare to challenge D72.%.2/3:5D%=2470%9C./38%dents the chance to any negative stereany questions '123%,2=B7.1%15%0-5D% ask otypes and percepthey may have to a tions that students 0C<<5.1%239%05=/92./1F* selected panel repon campus may resenting different have. The ultimate aspects of the LGBT community. There goal of the campaign is to prevent hom- will be an option to ask the questions ophobia, biphobia, and transphobia on anonymously should people please. campus. Other talks scheduled include bisexuFrom Monday to Friday there will ality and trans* 101 talks, an LGBT and be stalls outside of the Union building religion talk and a LGBT stereotypes ranging from an LGBT+ History stall to talk. A special screening of the film
By Jamie Shepherd
Pride will also be hosted at the Tyneside Cinema followed by a question and answer session with LGBT+ activist Ray Goodman. To coincide with the Stan Calvert cup many of Newcastle University’s sports teams will wear rainbow laces in the events to show support and solidarity to LGBT+ people in sport. The week will culminate on the Friday in Mensbar with a ‘Colour Party’ to celebrate the week’s success. Luke Allison, LGBT officer of NUSU had this to say about the project- “The LGBT+ Awareness Week is run by students for students! The week provides a variety of opportunities, through stalls, films, talks and interactive exercises for students to learn about the LGBT+ community. I hope that this will help tackle some of the prejudices that LGBT+ people face due to ignorance and that students can have a clearer and truer picture of LGBT+ people.�
Popular independent club World HQ have criticised The Tab’s coverage around the recent ‘ticketgate’ controversy around the latest Mungo’s HiFi & DJ EZ show. In a lengthy statement published on their website, the club management claimed that The Tab’s coverage was incorrect, misleading and misrepresentative of the situation, as well as taking issue with the omission of any clarifying statement from the club in the original piece. The article, published on 17 February with the headline “Outrage as countless students turned away following ‘touting’ fears at WHQâ€?, claimed that security at the club turned everyone whose ID did not match the name the ticket was reserved on. According to the article, “Many students were forced to either pay a second entry for the upstairs party, which was ÂŁ8 on top of the redundant ÂŁ10 Mungo’s ticket, or go home.â€? The answering statement by the club has been published directly on their website and cross-posted on their social media accounts. World HQ have included excerpts from the conversation with the student who wrote the article and present a full overview of the situation, outlining the terms of buying tickets for the events and what exactly occurred on that evening. Instead of the “countless studentsâ€? that The Tab stated had been turned away,
WHQ said that the only people who were not allowed in on the night were two confirmed “scalpers� - people selling on tickets for more than face value - and ten others whose tickets had already been used for entry on that night. “It was important prior to this event for us to try to dissuade ticket touts,� the WHQ DJ said to the student writer in a message quoted in the statement. “That’s why I posted anywhere in the first place. We did this and it’s ongoing. We want to help stamp out the rip off merchants, scalpers and touts and the fact you preferred to present us as being just like them or even worse instead, is, let’s face it, irony in the extreme.� The pot of underhand ticket selling was stirred on the “Castle Leazes Ticket Exchange� Facebook group in which several posts advertising sales of WHQ tickets “to the highest bidder� drew comments by WHQ management who reminded prospective buyers that, as stated on the tickets in “not some small print�, reselling of tickets is not allowed. In response, World HQ have announced that “tweaks� in the ticketing system will be introduced soon. They also debunked any claim that tickets can’t be “gifted� to friends anymore: “For the moment, until we get time to [implement some changes], if you wanna buy a WHQ ticket for a chum as a gift and you won’t be coming with them to the show, drop us an email to the usual address either at the time you buy it, or way before the event & we can make a note for you and that will be no problem on the night.�
Monday 23 February 2015
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The Courier
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The way a child is bought up by their parents is more responsible for whether or not they will be overweight than genetics, according to researchers at the London School of Economics. Scientists at the University’s Centre for Economic Performance found that if both the parents of an adopted child are overweight, that child is 21% more likely to also be overweight than when parents are not overweight. This was contrasted to families where both biological parents are overweight and it was found that in this situation, the child is only 27% more likely to be overweight. The fact that this is only 6% higher than adopted children has led LSE researchers to believe therefore, that genetics play a relatively minor role in influencing a child’s weight, thus pointing towards nurture being a major cause. Dr. Joan Costa Font, Associate Professor of Political Economy at LSE expressed relief that the Centre’s research showed “that we can do something about children’s weight problems.�
Buzz Aldrin to touch down in Cambridge Cambridge University’s Student Union confirmed last week that retired astronaut Buzz Aldrin will be appearing at the Union on March 14th. A number of students have demonstrated apathy however, as this is now the 3rd time that Aldrin, the second man on the Moon as part of the Apollo 11 mission in 1969, has confirmed his attendance at the Union. Mr Aldrin has cancelled his appearance the previous two times. Buzz Aldrin, as well as following the late Neil Armstrong onto the Moon, also made history by himself in 1966 by performing the first ever successful spacewalk on the Gemini 12 mission. His achievements earned him the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest honour an American can achieve in peacetime. Despite apathy from a number of students, the talk is expected to be popular among the majority of the student body.
Aberystwyth mistakenly use SS symbol Following an embarrassing blunder, Aberystwyth University Student Union has issued a statement apologising for placing the ‘SS’ symbol on a Facebook page for their Bierkeller event. The statement assured students that the Union “very much regret� the symbol appearing and confirmed that it was “a genuine mistake� which was “removed as soon as it came to our attention�. The symbol, the insignia of Adolf Hitler’s bodyguard and secret police, caused offence among students at the Welsh University, although it has been acknowledged that it was a genuine mistake on the part of the Union, who used the symbol to separate English and Welsh text on the event page.
Internal spies used to halt medical research Following an investigation by Edinburgh’s ‘The Student’, it has come to light that the National Organisation Anti-Vivisection has employed a number of medical faculty students in recent months to ‘spy’ on other students conducting research using animal testing. These spies pass on details of the students (including names, contact numbers and addresses) to NOAV who then directly apply pressure on the students involved to halt their research. The organisation has also been carrying out similar activities in other universities across the UK using online advertisements. Spies are reportedly paid between ÂŁ50-ÂŁ1000 in return for information. The campaign has been heavily criticised, with Professor Margaret Frame, Director of Research at the University of Edinburgh describing is as being “extremely unpleasantâ€?.
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Images: Mulloom2, NASA, Cropbot, Kim Traynor
Tom Montague
The Courier
28
Monday 23 February 2015
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Are you happy with your fees’ value?
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89
There seem to be a lot of things which our fees go towards, without much being dedicated on the raison d’etre of a university: education. I’m not naive and I don’t expect 100% of our fees to be going straight towards paying for lectures and seminars etc, but come on. Why on earth is any proportion of tuition fees going towards residences? Are they not sufficiently funded by the (high) costs that most first years and postgraduates pay to stay in them? And surely the catered outlets should be breaking even at least - it is unfathomable that the library’s overpriced food doesn’t fund the cafe’s costs. However, if anything I’m surprised more money doesn’t go to academic research considering that the vast majority of lecturers are purportedly too busy to be disturbed at any time outside of their two ‘office hours’ per week. Even if you can manage to see one, it’s unwise to expect considered and helpful feedback. Ultimately, we all understand that university does, and should, provide a broader experience than just the actual degree, but it would be great if the university reverted at least some of its attention and money back towards the actual education of its students, as at the moment it seems utterly unsatisfactory. Victoria Armstrong
“You’d think for £9k a year you’d be able to get a computer in the library or some decent WiFi”
89
Given that I feel that we have a right to an education obviously I’m cynical about high tuition fees. I am aware that the cost of putting a Biomedical Science student through University is probably more than in some courses but I’m still not convinced I’m getting a good return for my debt. In the school of Biomedical Sciences, for example, I would say that there are probably four or five lecture theatres that are in pretty desperate need of renovation, so obviously the logical response enacted was to upgrade the one that was least in need of upgrading. A cynic would probably make the accusation that this is because that particular lecture theatre is where open days are held with the intention of attracting more and more students, but I’ll choose not to comment on that. Equally, you’d think that for £9k a year you’d be able to get a computer in the library, or at least some decent wifi but I’ve not found that to be the case during exam time. That said, apparently 45% of us will never pay our loans back so maybe we don’t have any grounds to complain after all. Jake Harrison
89
The break down of university fees was, on the whole, not all that surprising. An academic institution was always going to have its financial expenditure split into those sorts of categories. Although it must be noted that, despite the recorded proportion spent on refurbishing teaching buildings, there has been seemingly little of that seen in my time here. It is of significant interest though, that such a huge proportion goes towards running academic depart-
20%
Academic research: £83,004,000
11% 11%
Running the University: £45,865,000
Other expenditure: £17,404,000 Maintaining buildings and facilities: £48,083,000
4%
7%
Providing academic services: £26,508,000 Providing residences and catering: £20,363,000 Running academic departments: £170,524,000
5%
41% Newcastle University’s expenditure for the fiscal year 1 August 2013 - 31 July 2014
89
Looking at the expenditure breakdown of our tuition fees, there were two particular parts that jumped out at me, brandishing a red flag. Firstly, that the same proportion of everyone’s fees are spent on residences and catering. Of course, for services on campus, this is viable as there is equal access and opportunity to use them. But residences? If accommodation costs differ depending on where you live, why are tuition fees divided equally? Why should people living in Ricky Road – with tiny rooms and 60s kitchens – have the same proportion of their
ments. It would also be interesting to see how this was broken down, as the science faculties clearly need more money than the humanities faculties. And if these courses have lab equipment provided for, why are humanities students left in the difficult position where texts considered key reading are not even available in the library, or have one copy only? The controversial question then arises: should some degree courses should cost more than others? Ruth Davis
Did you know: The income from the fees of full time, local students is enough to film 32 episodes of Game of Thrones or 64 episodes of Breaking Bad fees spent on residences as those in The View – with en-suites and all the mod-cons? And what about those who have never lived in university accommodation? “Thanks for living at home, now please pay for the maintenance of Castle Leazes’ vending machines.” Secondly, I couldn’t help but notice the slight hypocrisy in the funding for academic research coming from investments by tobacco and arms manufacturers. Imagine the headline: “Newcastle University pioneers cure for lung cancer, thanks to funding from Marlboro”. Bit embarrassing, no? Antonia Cundy
89
My tuition fees, firstly, are something of a joke. One of those jokes that isn’t remotely funny, but you kind of cringe and laugh at just how bad it is. Coming to university, I naively believed that £9,000 a year would afford me some real teaching - and some real criticism. The teaching is something that generally, I cannot fault. My lecturers are approachable, knowledgeable and fit my preconceived ideas. The criticism, however, not so much. I spent £1,500 on a module last semester, and, following my exam, received possibly the most unhelpful and limited amount of constructive criticism imaginable. For one question, all I got was “this is a detailed answer.” That was it. Four weeks and one sixth of my entire annual tuition fee… for that. I want to be criticised. I don’t like to be wrong, but I’d like it if my tutors could help me to be right. I want longer office hours, more personal interaction and more than one workshop per term to help with exam and essay prep. I want to know why I got a 64 rather than a 72. Please. Alexandra Lyon
‘I have always been baffled by where my £27,000 has gone’
89
Being a humanities student with contact hours in the single digits I have always been baffled by where my £27,000 has gone. I always blamed medics, soaking up all of the resources and leaving me with access to a few old books for my £9,000 a year. Don’t get me wrong, I love old books. Luckily however, we have been recently enlightened as to the breakdown of whereabouts of our money and my naivety has been addressed. In my head pretty much all of the money went on academic services, departments and keeping campus pretty. I was really surprised that the biggest chunk goes on research. Why should I have to pay for research? Again my naivety got the better of me. I always thought that research was kind of self-funding, but apparently not. Research is what brings the university prestige, it’s what brings the lecturers, I swear most of mine are highly irritated by having to leave their research trances to teach. I was surprised by how much we were paying for that, and for everything else, but hey, stuff costs money. Anyway, given my limited job prospects I may never have to pay it. Cheers Clegg. Lucy Howarth
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With a unanimous ‘no’ response, it is clear that, whilst the greater transparency on spending is welcome, the information it reveals is less so. For £9000 a year, or more if you’re an international student, we expect longer lecturers’ office hours, better feedback, a space to sit in the library and working wifi if we can get a space. We don’t expect to be paying for other students’ accommodation, cafes (which surely turn a profit?), or any of the other bizarre costs covered in the expenditure report. It might be time for costs to be turned towards some of the perceived fundamental educational gaps described by our writers.
Image: yellow book @ Flickr
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SOAP BOX
Monday 23 February 2015
The Courier
Doing more Harman good
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!"#$%&'#"() Two months ago I bought a return train ticket from Newcastle for £50. Two weeks before the trip, I checked how much it would have cost to buy it at that point – it had gone up to £96. On the day of the train, the ticket would have cost £100. And these prices are all with a student railcard discount. This huge rise in the cost of train tickets if they aren’t bought well in advance is something that we have come to take for granted, and accept. But to me it seems entirely unjust. In a world where technological advances – smartphones, tablets, apps, etc. – encourage spontaneity and provide the flexibility to book things at short notice, why are we as a society having to pay an extortionate rate to be able to make use of this? To me, deciding two weeks in advance to go home to London is not even that last-minute, and the difference in ‘last-minuteness’ between two weeks and on the day is much larger to me than the £4 saving indicates. Rail companies are clipping our spontaneity wings, and it’s something we shouldn’t accept. Antonia Cundy
'$%#*&+(#"& ,$)$**-)$.%/(%! Somewhere around the end of second year/ beginning of third year, a flurry of emotion seems to hit the student body. “Oh my God, where have the last two years gone?” and “I’m not ready yet for this to be over”. This romantic longing for an eternal student lifestyle is soon tempered however; in the period after the January exams, as you sit and stare glumly at the ever-increasing mountain of work you have to do, whilst your very much unfinished dissertation haunts the few hours you sleep each night, the thought permeates into your mind: “I’m happy to be finished soon”. Suddenly, the notion of having a 9-5 job free from the immense personal involvement you have in your degree seems very appealing. No more late nights/all-nighters slaving over essays which will receive vague and meaningless critique at best, or frantically trying to work out how you are going to write a million words a day for the next eternity. No more. Instead, relative freedom beckons. And perhaps the best part is: instead of paying, you’re actually being paid. Victoria Armstrong
".#,&"#0( Whether you’re a driver or not, you’ll have surely noticed at some point how much braver people get when they’re at the wheel of a car protected by surrounding metal. The majority of people whose middle finger gets flung out the window at another driver wouldn’t even consider doing the same if they were just walking down the street. Even more stupidly, those who deliberately slam on their brakes in front of others as “revenge” – something I’ve experienced my fair share of – clearly have a bit of tiny penis syndrome going on (you rarely find a woman doing this kind of thing, this is almost always male insecurity at play). Suddenly they feel the need to reimburse their ego at the great loss of being cut up or overtaken. I must admit, I’ve refused to let queue-jumpers cut in front of me by following extremely closely to the car in front in the past, which is still just as childish and egotistical on my part. But those who shout “wanker” and deliberately intimidate others for the sake of getting their own back is always such a pathetic sight to see. Matt Corden
W
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ith the general election just three months away, political parties have been pulling out all the stops to ensure they get our votes. Labour’s use of a pink mini bus in their ‘Woman to Woman’ campaign caused an uproar on social media and has been grabbing headlines ever since. Aimed at the nine million women who didn’t vote in 2010, the ‘Woman to Woman’ bus will take female Labour MP’s to supermarkets, school playgrounds and ‘around the kitchen table’ in seventy constituencies around the country to find out ‘women’s opinions.’ If these are the only places that the Labour camp can think of to find women, then clearly they’re more out of touch than their pink bus initially makes them seem. Research shows that, in general, male lawmakers are less likely to initiate and pass laws that serve the interests of women, and whilst Labour’s deputy leader, Harriet Harman, has defended the van and it’s colour as an opportunity to ‘recognise that women have different patterns of their working lives’ for many, the van seems to be a gimmick detracting from the very real issues present whilst simultaneously allowing the men in power to carry
on as before. Indeed, as Harman was launching this campaign, her male coworkers Ed Balls and Chuka Umunna were setting out Labour’s plan for business and the macro economy at the Chambers of Commerce. Women have disproportionately suffered under the current coalition’s austerity measures and Labour are offering women some genuinely strong alternative policies ‐ from measures aimed at achieving gender balance in government, to plans to
“Packaging these policies in bright pink shows a fundamental misunderstanding”
ensure abusive partners cannot avoid prosecution, even calling for a vote regarding tackling the gender pay gap ‐ however, packaging these policies in bright pink shows a fundamental misunderstanding of women and what they want. Just as David Cameron saying ‘call me Dave’ and sitting in a pub with an untouched pint is trying to appeal to a certain stereotype, so is this pink van. Rather than running a strong, clear campaign that deals with these issues in an up-front manner, Labour are es-
sentially saying that they think women are stupid: unless blinded by pretty colours before being fed dumbed‐down policies, we’ll just empty our pretty little heads of all this politics talk and go back to thinking about clothes. By treating women as a homogenous group, united in a love of pink and dislike of politics, Labour are ignoring a multitude of opinions and voices and marginalising an already marginalised group. In reality it really shouldn’t matter what colour the bus is, but it does represent the larger issue present in British politics regarding its relationship, or lack of, with women. Arguably, Labour choosing a pink paint job because everyone knows girls like pink is condescending and outdated but this being the only thing sparking public and political dialogue about women and the myriad of issues that affect them shows just how underrepresented women are in politics. The very fact that more women can fit in this sixteen seater than currently sit in Parliament for the Liberal Democrats, or are standing to run for UKIP, shows the state of affairs to be far, far worse: until all political parties start taking women’s issues and voices seriously, the pink van and all the similar political gaffes that are likely to follow in the upcoming months and years will continue to be just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to women’s representation in politics.
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The Courier
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Monday 23 February 2015
Querying the Chilcot Inquiry
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t’s hard to believe that it’s been five and half years now since the Chilcot Inquiry was first launched in 2009. Originally expected to be finished just after a year, the report’s perpetually delayed deadline is something akin to Metro services after mild snowfall. In the meantime; government has changed, new international conflicts have broken out, new strains of flu have threatened to bring about the apocalypse and Blair’s received a shelf-load of peace prizes. Slowly, we begin to forget the tragic potency of the Iraq War. Blair’s allegiance to Bush became apparent as early as 9/11, when he announced that “we here in Britain stand shoulder to shoulder with our American friends.” It always bodes well for a PM to establish good relations with our transatlantic cousins, and here we had the start of a beautiful friendship. Downing Street documents now prove that Blair and UK officials were ‘up for’ backing a regime change in Iraq in early 2002, before the invasion of Iraq had actually been decided on. But the link between 9/11, al-Qaida and Iraq was tenuous at best, and it’s strictly against UN rules to take military action against a country simply because of a corrupt leader. And so came the Weapons of Mass Destruction story—that Saddam Hussein had weapons capable of blowing us all up in a mere 45 minutes. Obviously this threw us into a state of pandemonium, which wasn’t helped when Blair started doing things like putting army tanks around Heathrow airport, as though Saddam or al-Qaida might just fly in via easyJet. After we’d successfully levelled Iraq, no WMDs could be found. This couldn’t have had anything to do with the fact that the UN Security Council had already spent most of the nineties disarming Iraq though. No: Blair, standing by his Intel, claimed that, although the weapons couldn’t be found, Saddam could easily reassemble them at any moment. It’s hard to know the exact figures of how many died during invasion of Iraq, but it’s generally thought that at least half a million Iraqi civilian deaths can be attributed to the war, along with 4,448 US soldiers and 179 UK servicemen. The rise of fundamentalist groups such as ISIS means that we’ve fuelled more internal conflicts across the Middle-East, as well as more rage towards the West. But of course, the War on Terror welcomes all new opponents. Not only does it turn out that most of the political figures involved in the Iraq War will either be retired, senile or dead by the time the Chilcot report is finished—the report itself will never actually be published in its entirety. Originally, 25 of Blair’s notes to Bush and 130 of their conversations were demanded by the inquiry. But now, as the result of pressure from the Cabinet Office, only ‘gists or quotes’ from the documents will be released, and none of Bush’s views will be disclosed. It is almost as if Bush and Blair weren’t having diplomatic discussions that sought to bring about the most peaceful and democratic outcome possible at all (shock horror). Regarding our position on not exposing Bush; to me it seems to display the exact same weakness of conviction that Blair demonstrated when he lead us into Iraq war in the first place, as America’s goofy yet loyal sidekick. The government-backed NSA doesn’t suffer from the same shyness when they spy on our online conversations, so why shouldn’t Bush’s words be published? What’s even more confusing is that since the war, Blair has been given awards such as GQ’s ‘Philanthropist of the Year’, and Save the Children’s ‘Global legacy’ prize. I struggle to understand how bombing cities full of children saves them, but Blair was nonetheless honoured to receive the award and hopes he can continue ‘saving’ children well into his retirement—a retirement made even more comfortable by the fact that Blair has recently signed himself a deal with the Saudi Arabian oil company, PetroSaudi. But surely, his interest in oil investment is a newfound hobby, and not at all connected with his motive for getting behind the invasion of one of the highest oil-producing countries in the world. The most recent delay to the Chilcot report means that we’ll still be waiting for it after this year’s general election, but this hardly comes as a shock. All we can wonder now is what will make it into the thing, whether it’ll be reliable, and if anyone will still be bothered.
Image: Adrian Wallace @ Flickr
here’s an element of agreement between those for and against the Iraq war; the delay of the Chilcot Inquiry is indeed a frustrating thing to see. For those of us who stand by the decision to overthrow Saddam Hussein in 2003, the publication will finally put to rest the false wisdoms that are being peddled. Blair was anything but “America’s goofy yet loyal sidekick.” As early as 1999 – while Bush was still a little-known Texan governor – Blair gave a speech in Chicago declaring his support for intervention in Iraq. It should be noted that when Bush finally did decide to run for President in 2000, it was on the platform of non-interventionism. Despite the Love Actually scene, there was nothing slavish about British engagement in Iraq alongside the US. It’s equally ahistorical to imply that Bush and Blair seized the opportunity to invade Iraq in an isolated post-9/11 era. We were engaged militarily with the regime well before 2003; the no-fly zones policed by Britain, France and the US for 12 years were shot at almost every day. Beginning in 1991, the Iraqi Kurds and the Southern Shi’a communities lived under Western military protection to avoid a repeat of the infamous campaigns of genocide. Furthermore, Bill Clinton passed the Iraqi Liberation Act in 1998 to say that regime change is to be the overall aim. So the view that this is a war solely constructed by Bush and Blair is reductionist at best. As far as legality is concerned, the Chilcot report should highlight the opinion of Chief Attorney Peter Goldsmith that the war was legally sound. Saddam Hussein had nothing but contempt for the UN. Resolution 1441 was passed unanimously in 2002, demanding that Iraq abides by the previous 10 UN resolutions governing WMD, otherwise serious consequences would ensue. To nobody’s surprise, none of these obligations were met. A major criticism I would have of Blair at this point is his pretence that the war was all about disarmament and had nothing to do with regime change. WMD in Iraq is everyone’s favourite example of institutional lying, but this is misguided. Saddam Hussein had used WMD against his own population, had admitted under pressure that Iraq still possessed them as late as 1995, and had continuously expelled inspectors. Who in their right mind would just give him the benefit of the doubt? This explains why French and German intelligence – both Countries unsympathetic to the call for war – also believed Iraq possessed forbidden weaponry. Intelligence failures are clearly things that need investigating by the inquiry, but if you consider the history of Iraq, the claim of deliberate deception on the part of Tony Blair is a very faulty premise. It’s a shame that a just war had been reduced to the technical legalism of WMD. The al-Anfal campaign of genocide easily met the criteria of the 1948 UN Genocide Convention, warranting immediate action. The underground Iraqi and Kurdish militias who were the victims of these human tragedies had been fighting Saddam Hussein for decades, leading three major uprisings in 1975, 1986 and 1991. These attempted revolutions were shamefully neglected by the international community and left to fail, but finally taking their side in 2003 put an end to the outdated approach of “onemore-chance” appeasement for the tyrant. The theory that this was a war based on Western oil interests has already been discredited. When Iraq auctioned off oil contracts in 2009; Russia, China and France came out as the big winners – all of whom led the charge against the war. What kind of US-backed economic conspiracy would allow China and Russia to get a look in? Iraqi reconstruction has greatly benefited from the proceeds, and this isn’t something to be apathetic about. I hope the Chilcot Inquiry will be highly critical of the terrible mismanagement of military strategy after the fall of Saddam Hussein, as little consideration was given to the Sunni-Shia sectarian violence that inevitably broke out after years of Ba’athist despotic rule that briefly suppressed it. People like Muqtada al-Sadr or Abu Musab al-Zarqawi plunged Iraq into civil war and strife. To say this was dealt with poorly is almost a euphemism. Despite this, I sit quietly confident that the overthrow of Saddam Hussein was the correct decision to make and that the inquiry should keep many of the popular anti-war myths unsubstantiated.
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besity has become a large problem for the UK in the past few years. According to NHS statistics, just 34% of men and 39% of women have a Body Mass Index score that falls into the ‘healthy’ range (18.525), whilst 24% of men and 26% of women are considered clinically obese. Possibly even more shocking is the news that 9.5% of 4 and 5-yearolds are considered to be obese. So how about a tax on fatty foods and sugary drinks? The charity Sustain has calculated that if a tax equivalent to 20p per litre were levied on sugary drinks, the total raised would be £1.1bn a year. The cost to the UK’s economy of obesity-related diseases (Type II diabetes, cardiovascular disease to name but a few) is estimated to be around £15.8bn, of which £4.2bn is paid for by the National Health Service. To put that into perspective, smoking is estimated to cost £13.7bn, of which just £2.7bn is shouldered by the NHS. Alcohol abuse also is estimated to cost the NHS £2.7bn a year. Both of these costs are also decreasing year on year, whilst the cost of obesity continues to skyrocket.. There are many sceptical about this idea. Most of the objections revolve around dislike of a perceived ‘nanny state’. Personally, I struggle to understand why people do not like the idea of having a state that looks after you; it seems like a positive thing from my point of view and a lot of legislation which has come out of this compassionate political outlook has undoubtedly been good. It has led to the enforced use of seatbelts as well as the banning of drink-driving, both of which are generally considered to have been very beneficial to society (unless you’re Nigel Farage).
“I struggle to understand why people do not like the idea of having a state that looks after you”
Some critics also argue that we do currently have a system in place to deter obesity as the salt and fat levels in foods are displayed on the packaging. Theoretically this means that everyone should know what exactly it is that they’re eating and how much of it they should be eating. However, this is not necessarily true, as Jeremy Paxman recently showed the President of Coca-Cola Europe on Newsnight (watch it). There are a myriad of good uses for the money that could be raised via a sugar and fat tax. Aside from being put into the NHS to directly combat obesity and its related illnesses, it could also be used to subsidise healthy foods such as fruit and vegetables which can sometimes be pretty expensive; it’s no wonder that some people think that they cannot spare the money for them. If, however, they were able to afford them it would be directly beneficial both to them and the NHS. If obesity rates drop down again it will free up a significant amount of money to go into research to combat other diseases which may not have as obvious a cause or treatment as with losing weight. Subsidies also deal with the admittedly valid point that taxes such as this one always tend to hit the poorer end of society disproportionately compared to the richer people. Obviously, in an ideal world, it would not be necessary to have such a tax; rather, people would be able to take care of themselves, eat healthily and exercise regularly. Unfortunately, at the moment that is simply not the case and we have a situation where life expectancy may well start to fall again, which is a situation that we should try to avoid at all costs in this day and age.
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Monday 23 February 2015
The Courier
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“D
on’t shit where you eat,” said my friend Pete when he heard about my plans to kiss a member of our friendship group. I wonder if Pete ever took a moment to consider the advice he had once given me when he found himself naked under our good friend Lucy. I wonder if when her tongue was in his ear whether he remembered telling me that “having sex with friends is only going to end in tears”. Or whether he remembered stressing to me that “sex will ruin the dynamic of the group,” when she was stroking his penis. I suppose he may have entertained these thoughts, but he certainly never acted upon them. Otherwise I wouldn’t have seen him leering after Lucy in the library like a prepubescent boy. It seems that good advice is easy to preach, but hard to swallow.
“Six months of celibacy later and she’s still pissed off with me”
When giving friends advice it’s hard to imagine that they want to hear anything other than what you would like to hear in the same situation. I’m the sort of person who becomes infatuated very easily, for instance the other day when watching the fit guy from Dene’s Deli scrape mango chutney onto my sandwich I found myself subconsciously planning our future together. It is for this reason that I assume that my friends, like me, need to be deterred from anyone they find attractive. “What do you think about Max?”, my friend Hannah asked. “Butters,” I replied. “He was wearing cord flares and his satchel was resting on his front which made it look like he was wearing an oversized fanny pack”. Hannah never slept with Max; I had given her the ick. Six months of celibacy later and she’s still pissed off with me.
“Cushion brutal home truths with the soft, fleshy padding of humour”
The worst for giving advice are often girls; if you said to a friend, “I like this boy but he told me that I dress shit and wear too much makeup,” they would somehow spin it into “that’s his way of telling you that he really likes you!”. For instance my friend fancied this boy who was in a relationship, her first port of call being to showcase his girlfriend’s Facebook to a panel of blood-thirsty female friends. Amid the “Oh my God”s came a series of vacuous responses from “look how much she’s pouting in this one,” to “her arm is flabby… it looks a bit like a thigh”. The overriding consensus being: “She’s pretty, but you’re waay prettier”. The worst thing anyone can do is to actually believe the sugar-coated bullshit that is being shovelled down your throat. Aside from being often inaccurate, advice like this is dangerous as it leaves friends valuing their own self worth on the apparent flaws of others. And it also means that when someone actually tells you their true opinion, it’s pretty hard to take. Men often don’t understand the politics of consoling jealous friends. My friend showed the same picture to her friend Rob who announced, “what the fuck, she looks like Scarlett Johansson,” the upsetting part being that she really did. Instead of deluding friends, cushion brutal home truths with the soft, fleshy padding of humour. This makes flaws easier to bear rather than denying their existence at all. Don’t tell her that she’s skinnier than the boy’s girlfriend because she’s probably isn’t. Instead ask her how even if he did shag her, how he would find her vagina under all of those layers of flab.
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here are many formulas for trying to discover what the acceptable age range is for who you can date. One popular method is half your age plus 7 (to date young ’uns) or double your age minus 7 (if you’re looking for a mature partner). For instance, I’m 21 and thus I could date a girl between 17.5 years and 35 years of age. Now, I’m not advocating that you go to your local sixth form and find someone of that age whom you could suppose was your perfect match, but that’s what the numbers say.
“The differing levels of maturity between ages seem to be where the argument about age gaps lies”
It’s all a bit of a contentious issue because you don’t want to seem creepy but if you like someone surely that should be what’s most important? Say you’re a spritely young Year 11 or Sixth Former full of the joys of spring (oh, to be young again) and a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed Year 9 or 10 comes to ask for your number or tells you they “want to be your girlfriend” you aren’t going to say no, are you? But now, I would have to think twice to even date a first year - how times change. It seems that it would depend what life stage you are at. High school has different rules to uni, which again has different rules to the real world. I imagine in most worlds a 26 year old dating a 14 year old would be fairly unlikely to happen, but that really would send a shiver down my spine, plus be classified as paedophilia. I shall regale you with a wonderful story from my past. As a sportsman, ladies would swoon at my every move, the swivel of my hips during a football match, or the flick of my wrist as I sent a delivery down playing cricket - there was fainting. In one instance, a girl two years younger than me asked
me out and, being the naïve 16 year old I was, and it being the aforementioned high school relationship, I kindly obliged. Looking back, those relationships were creepy and it’s okay to say that now because we’ve all been there, and if you are currently saying in your head, “no I bloody haven’t”, you are a liar and a fiend. The story in question highlights that relationship age is highly circumstantial to the situation at hand, but the rule we generally had was two years above and below is sensible.
“If you like someone surely that should be what’s most important”
At school you haven’t learnt many of the harsh realities of life and still live in a nice dream land where love conquers all societal problems. At uni it’s totally different, and you realise that relationships aren’t the be-all and end-all of life, that it might not be worth the flak. So, be warned. Too young and you’ll be looked at weirdly as if you were a ‘sugar daddy’ or ‘cougar’. Too old, and you are likely to be wildly abused for being a ‘toyboy’ or a ‘trophy’. It’s unfair, but that’s the world we live in.
The age gap is as contentious as it looks, and surely nobody should be arsed about who likes who and the ins and outs of people’s relationships. Being single, it’s obviously easy for me to say, with the pick of the litter, but I imagine being with someone deemed inappropriately younger or older can cause problems not only with friends but families and the like. Society seems fairly liberal and open these days but the differing levels of maturity between ages seem to be where the argument about 4#2153!#.3!<#73'!=#>'!?'21!@7$%* age gaps lies.
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Y
ou arrive in first year with part-aying on the mind. You’re ready to hit the Toon and have a wild time blowing your student loan. But wait…student loans cover jack all. The realisation sets in. You might actually have to get yourself a job. More often than not student loans don’t provide you with enough money to survive at uni and for most of us, the unlimited bank of ma and pa doesn’t exist. Finding a job is a tedious task - all options are considered, regardless of practicality or logic. Loan spent, overdraft maximised…what next? Panic. But there are some jobs that you just HAVE to avoid.
1
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As good as it may seem, promo work just ain’t all that. Crazy working hours, those chilly Newcastle winter nights, having to pretend that you actually like people, all for bare minimum pay? No thanks, I think I’ll pass on that one. On the off chance that you actually manage to become a big time promo guy/gal, you’re going to be THAT person, the one everybody goes all out to avoid, because quite frankly they don’t have time for your promo shit.
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‘Surveyors wanted’. It’s okay - we have all been in that incredibly desperate stage. You become deluded and start to think that getting paid 20p for a 20 minute survey session is a feasible option. Yeah, it’s great that you don’t even have to leave your bed to do this job, but I’ve never heard of a surveyor turned baller.
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Babysitting isn’t all that bad when you’re related to the kid and the kid is silent/ doesn’t move/asleep. Looking after yourself is hard enough, so why on earth do you need the responsibility of looking after somebody else? Add a deathly hangover into the mix and you are well and truly screwed.
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If you want to become a teacher, tutoring is a viable option. But for everyone else, pass. Working as a tutor means your degree only accounts for half your stress. You’re responsible for somebody else’s results and you have to pretend that you had the utmost interest in whatever you were teaching, when let’s face it, it’s difficult enough pretending that you like your own degree.
5
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Until I came to uni, I had no idea that this job even existed. As fun as getting paid to play with fury friends sounds, you’d have to pay me a hell of a lot of money to pick up somebody else’s dog poo. And what happens when you’re at the park and the dog you’re looking after decides it’s okay to start humping another dog? Good luck with that one!
The Courier
178
Monday 23 February 2015
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Andy Baldwin, 3rd Year, Economics meets Georgie Moule, 4th Year, Modern Foreign Languages
Andy on Georgie
Georgie on Andy
Where did you go? Lane7, I had wanted to go bowling for a while so I thought it a good excuse to go. How did you meet? We met at the Metro, although I did tap someone else’s shoulder at first, this girl was on her phone looking around and I was pretty confident it would be the Blind Date girl, but it wasn’t - she was good looking as well. When the correct girl turned up, what were you first impressions? She was friendly, I was worried she might be shy and I’m quite talkative but it was all good.
Where did you two of you meet? West Jesmond Metro station, then we journeyed together to town. I believe you checked him out on Facebook beforehand - how? Well I knew he was called Andrew, and may have put his number into Facebook. How was the first encounter then? He asked me how I was three times in the first minute. Which was a little bit awkward. I did a blind date second year and the guy was really short. This guy wasn’t so short, which was a bonus.
Did you find her attractive? I guess so... not blatantly but yeah she looked nice.
Do you think the repetition was due to nerves? He told me later that he was asking the same question because he didn’t want there to be an awkward silence. We were both quite chatty anyway though so it was fine. He told me it was his first ever date.
How was the journey to Lane7? A bit of a hassle, the Metro wouldn’t stop at Central Station which I’ve never known for it not to do, so we had to get off at Monument and walk for about 20 minutes before we got to Lane7, we got there a bit late but it didn’t make a difference.
Where did the two of you decide to go? He had the idea of going bowling at Lane7, so that’s where we went. I hadn’t been before and it was quite good. He did beat me though. I was beating him the whole time up until the last second.
Did you hit the drinks upon arrival? Yeah she got a pint which impressed me, then we had some fairly minging whisky chasers followed by some better tasting ones.
“I think I got quite aggressively feminist at him at that point and it got a little bit awkward”
“She had some good stories. She got held at gunpoint once in Bolivia” Who paid? We did it in rounds so it was probably about even in the end. In fact, no probably mostly me, I think I spent about £40.
Did you stay at the bowling alley then? Yeah, I got quite drunk. We ended up doing shots of whiskey and it just escalated horribly.
How was the bowling? Bowling was good, but I’m competitive, and she was winning so I was trying to hide how much I wanted to win. I managed to win in the last frame. She had terrible technique but it somehow worked. She had a good start but a terrible end.
But you were bowling this entire time? No, Lane7 is shit because they only give you one game. So it was half an hour of bowling then we were done. But we didn’t pay, no one asked us for any money, so we owe Lane7 fifteen quid.
As the date progressed, did you feel romance blossoming? Probably not, it was mainly like meeting a friend, but we got on really well.
What did the two of you talk about when you’d stopped bowling then? We talked a lot about grad schemes… I know. But it was actually going really well and I thought he was a nice guy. But then he told me a story he thought was funny about how he shouted at a girl to get the fuck out of his house because she’d started her period in his bed. I think I got quite aggressively feminist at him at that point and it got a little bit awkward.
Was there any awkward lulls? No not really, we were both quite talkative, no uncomfortable silences. Except we thought we would get another game because the first one went so quick. Usually in groups it takes ages but with two people we were done in about ten, fifteen minutes. And she kept saying, “aw I’ll beat you next game.” So I went down to book another one and they were fully booked. After I returned with the bad news she went to try and book one but yeah, they were fully booked. So did you go anywhere else afterward? We had more drinks at Lane7 and then got the Metro back, she got chips from a chippy and drowned them in vinegar. Was there any insinuations to go back to a house? She said she had a cheese platter, so we had a long conversation about cheese. And I thought I might be invited in to have some so I was disappointed not to go back, but only for the cheese. I like cheese. Do you reckon she fancied you? Not at the beginning, possibly toward the end. Would you meet up again? Yeah but just for a pint. She was a good drinker and had some good stories. She’d done a lot of travelling. She got held at gunpoint once in Bolivia when she nearly got mugged. Was there anything odd about her? She kept going on about how she was going to break her arm or leg by bowling and I figured maybe fingers or arm at a stretch but not leg, not going to happen. Rate your date out of 10. 7
Perhaps a first date wasn’t the right place for that anecdote. I think by then I was just like no, not impressed with that. Also, he’s got quite a boring taste in beer. How did the date end? We left and I really wanted chips. He made me pay for my own chips, which I thought wasn’t very gentlemanly - and then he ate some of the chips that I had paid for. Then we got the Metro home and he didn’t even offer to walk me home. He was just like, “I live this side of the Metro, bye,” and then left. Do you think there any romantic feelings either way? No. Would you meet Andy again then? Probably not. Not because he’s not a nice person, I just don’t need any more friends. And he’s quite young. I’m 23 and he’s 21, feels like I’m snatching a baby.
Looking for love? Send in your details to c2.lifestyle@ncl.ac.uk
Rate your date? Would have been a 8, but because it took a weird turn, 7.
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Monday 23 February 2015
The Courier
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AltNights
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W
e all enjoy a good night out on the Toon. You can’t deny it, Newcastle does have the best nightlife for students across the country. But still - that doesn’t mean you should feel the need to intoxicate your body to the point of unconsciousness. It might be an old saying, but it’s true: You don’t need to drink to have a good time. Many of us students get tired easily these days; the weather is still cold and sometimes the thought of a party or going out before 9am the next day begins to feel very unappealing. But should you conform to this lifestyle when you simply can’t bear the thought of even inhaling the smell of simmering alcohol? Before you make a decision, let me just tell you this - there are so many others asking themselves the exact same question. Even some of your own mates, who you subtly noticed also didn’t make that party last week for... unclear reasons. Here are some alternatives to drinking out. There’s an endless list of activities out and about in Newcastle where alcohol is not needed. Go to the Strand for an evening of comedy, or go play snooker/pool in any pub or snooker place. If you want to chill out in town with mates at night, but NOT in a bar, head to Quilliam’s Tea House: it stays open ‘til 1am. To list more, there’s the cinema, restaurants, ice-skating, museums, Jesmond Dene petting zoo, swimming, shopping... I could go on.
“Have a film night: A chickflick for the lads, or a nightmarish zombie horror for the hardcore women”
But if you can’t physically handle the mentally crippling thought of leaving the house, here are some ideas for you. Host a small dinner party. Get your best friends round and cook them a delightful meal! You won’t have to leave the comforts of your home and you can enjoy the social side of hosting an evening in. Have a movie night. Can’t cook? Just have a film night in instead! A chick-flick for the lads, or a nightmarish zombie horror for the hardcore women... well, whatever you’re all into really. I suggest making a large bowl of cheesy nachos too, they’re only a quid at Tesco at the moment.
Throw a games night. Now, please forgive me Monopoly-haters, but any board game is something I am a big fan of. We all enjoy a bit of competitive fun now and then. Or you could really go for it and throw a murder mystery night - totally invite me, I’d love to go. Do you own an iPad or Tablet? Or even a laptop? Do you know just how many group games you can play on these? It’s literally incredible. My mates spent a whole evening playing on the app Heads Up which is like a combination of charades and that game where you put a sticker on your forehead with a name on it. It was great fun, especially in pairs. Have a poker night. No money? Gamble with Haribo. And you can play cards without drinking games, you know. Totally dress up 1920’s style, suits and all, maybe even a cheeky cigar to compliment the outfit.
T
away when you’re in first year; it’s a carefree period. From week-long benders to avoiding the library, your time as a fresher is the GOLDEN YEAR. Before you know it, you’re in second year and the nostalgia is setting in. So, freshers, you best make the most of the following whilst you still can.
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go-without-heating game. Trust us, it’s not fun piling on the layers and sitting on your sofa wrapped in your duvet of a chilly November evening, and wondering why you’re still a bit cold.
4
In your first year, your grades don’t count towards your final degree. Which isn’t to say that you shouldn’t do your best, or neglect to apply yourself, obviously. But so long as you pass everything, show up to a decent amount of lectures/practical sessions/seminars, you’re okay. The knowledge that every assessed piece of work in 2nd and 3rd year contributes to the future-determining class of your degree has yet to perturb your carefree Fresher lives.
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In your first year, you can go out every night of the week. You won’t, unless you’re the idiot I knew in first year who went out almost every night for a month, spent almost £1000 and didn’t show up to a single lecture for the best part of a semester. But two, three, four (or God forbid, five) nights out in a row are worth doing at least once. Because in second year, you’ll rock up to a 9am registered lecture half-dead, missing the days when you could do it after three nights and still function.
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As a Fresher, graduation is but some far-away event on the horizon. You have three whole years before you’re cast out of the sweet bubble of academia and into the real world, right? Wrong. In your second year, you’re going to have to start wondering what on earth you’ll do after uni; post-grad fairs and talks of graduate programmes will become the norm. You’ll have to start worrying about where you’ll be come graduation, what you’ll be doing, and (gulp!) which career path you’ll be wandering down. Take it from those who know, Freshers. Enjoy your freedom whilst you still can, because it doesn’t last long.
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Barring your initial inductions, there’s very little need for the library in first year. And the thought of being there until the early hours is laughable. Come second year, it’ll be your second home; you’ll be there more often than you’re at your house, most likely. So take advantage of being able to give the Robinson a wide berth, because you’re sure to get intimately acquainted in your later years.
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Ah, first year halls. The joys of unlimited heating; turn the heat up whilst you still can, guys; when you’re footing the heating bills in the next couple
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ou may secretly feel like you and your friends are unique and edgy individuals that will never conform to any course-related stereotypes. But one way or another, you’ll find yourself starting to fit the mould. You’re more than likely to have a friend on one of these courses who perfectly fits the stereotype, and if you don’t then it’s probably you. A typical English Lit student tends to manage to pull off an effortlessly cool look (which, as a first year, I haven’t cracked yet) and they are probably the flatmate who looks like they have nothing to do, despite the fact that they’re usually desperately searching Sparknotes for some clues about the novel they were supposed to read that week. Contrary to popular belief, English Lit involves so much more than wandering around campus in a cosy jumper with a flask of tea and a copy of Jane Eyre in hand. It’s not just an expensive book club either, there’s actually tonnes to do; an English Literature student tends to either be very good at time management or a brilliant blagger. It’s quite easy to tell if someone does Geography seeing as you’ve probably seen them tagged in club photos everyday on your newsfeed because, let’s be honest, they don’t appear to have that much work to do, making them pretty sociable creatures. The geography student is likely to be found purchasing a colourful map for their bedroom wall or perhaps enduring a strenuous field trip in the countryside, which looks more like a leisurely stroll in an anorak. A Computer Science student is typically quite pale due to spending way too much time behind a computer screen. It’s a male dominated course
so if you see a group of bearded boys (is the beard a fashion statement or a result of sheer laziness – who knows?) looking desperately for a computer cluster, it’s probably them. You’ll probably hear them bickering over Apple or PC or they might just try to convince you that you should ditch your iPhone for an Android. They’re also probably sick of fixing your laptop and connecting your WiFi. Your most argumentative friend and self-confessed coffee-addict, a Law student feels that they are already a lawyer. Whether they’re arranging the latest skiing trip in Switzerland or suing the neighbours for not inviting you to pre-drinks, the life of a law student is tough and enduring. If your quiff is too big or your shirt is too olive they’ll ensure all who view it get respectable compensation. After all, you can’t be a lawyer only five days of the week, right? Another male-dominated course, Engineering students are often quiet and reserved students. You’ve got no chance of finding them during the day as their timetables seem unnecessarily hectic. Don’t pity them too much though, they may have tonnes of work but they’re quietly smug that their degree is about a million times more likely to land them a job than your BA. Science students are probably the first students to moan about their long days in comparison to other courses. They’ll probably give you a heart-warming story about why they chose their course (cure disease, stop global warming etc.) but most of them just like the idea of having a lot of cash. They’re particularly easy to spot due to them constantly sporting goggle marks and possible burns from playing around with a Bunsen burner.
The Courier
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Monday 23 February 2015
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he Botanist is surprisingly effective in articulating the hipster, back alley vibe it’s striving for, despite its location in the heart of the city. Climbing several stories of dark, spiralling staircase certainly made it feel more like I was heading for some secret attic spot than a chain bar. Having the door opened from within by two bouncers, who had clearly watched my ascent and deemed me worthy of entry, did however make its class hit home. Not your typical student bar, The Botanist housed the most middle aged, aspiring middle class people I’ve ever seen in Newcastle, all strenuously clutching at their youth. The pricing of cocktails at £7-8 is reasonable and the selection of over thirty, original and classic, is one of the best I’ve experienced in the city; my blueberry and passion fruit martini was certainly well received. However, no happy hour and £4.50 for a small bottled beer will make it difficult for a student to spend the evening there unless your student loan is in its infancy. Aesthetically the bar is very pleasing; it may be merely ticking a lot of boxes on the ‘alternative rustic bar’ list, but it is a certainly one of a kind in Newcastle. A mass of trees and hanging baskets are speckled with what look like fairy lights, but they bask the place in a warm, candle-like orange glow. Heavy use of glass for both the domed ceiling and the restaurant wall further the botanic theme and make you feel like you’re actually hanging out in a greenhouse. However, it has to be said that the evening view overlooking Monument, with city streets abuzz and lights ablaze, is the best in the city – sorry Tyne Bar. The entire place centres on a square bar, all old wood and flaking paint, through which a huge tree grows. A brief thought that the planning permission for the bar was put in a century ago was sadly
extinguished, as the staff will happily admit it’s fake. I couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed that the bar staff wouldn’t humour me; if they’re not living up to the quirky vibe it can soon feel a little soulless. It may have been a case that I’d caught them at a bad time, because the bar was completely rammed all evening. For an hour we all stood around in coats and scarves attempting to play musical chairs. All of the benches were occupied and although there’s a glut outside, many evenings including this one are likely to be too cold or too
damp to make use of them. Although all the ingredients are there, at the moment The Botanist is let down by both crowd and staff which juxtapose the design and its implied atmosphere. Perhaps it was simply the bustle, or perhaps as a student I’m not the desired demographic, but I certainly didn’t feel at home. On a positive note, the bartender never did get back to me with the card machine, so the drinks weren’t so pricey after all. Shaun Forster
The Botanist Jungle
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I
t is possible that you have spent an endless number of evenings and afternoons watching Come Dine With Me, Dinner Date and a multitude of other programmes that revolve around not just seeing food (or not, if yourstudent loan hasn’t seen your account in a while), but actually cooking it. Based on these observations, you should have some idea of how to at least set up a food sharing event and pass it off as a dinner party—right? Well, if you’re still unsure or if you only engage with such programmes when hungover and lacking in concentration, here are some tips to get you through the evening. Yes, the wonderful evening of delicacies that you promised to put on for everyone, whilst leaving Sinners.
Cutlery problems aside, you actually need to decide what you are going to cook and, given that it’s a dinner party, it’s only right that you push the boat
“Also, take this as an opportunity to set the table i.e. Put your playing cards away.’’
“Think of it as Ru Paul meets Delia Smith meets under accomplished student fridge”
So let’s start simple, you probably need to work out how many people you’re going to be feeding and whether or not you have enough chairs for them. Let’s go with ten as a nice round number. Now, you may not own ten plates and you certainly won’t have ten forks (unless you’re the person that claims them from my poor defenceless kitchen during pre-drinks), but I can assure you people will not be offended if you ask them to bring their own.
on any unexpected, uninvited hiccups later)- spaghetti bolognese is a student classic and of course, if you opt for this inevitable winner make sure you have a veggie/vegan option on standby. We could get into a monologue of how to actually make spag bol at this point, but i’m only here to support you to get through the night.
out and make a three course extravaganza. Think of it as Ru Paul meets Delia Smith meets under accomplished student fridge- with a touch of imagination it’ll all go spectacularly well. Or you could just do large helpings of a main course- especially if you’ve put every ounce of your imagination into your dissertation. As for the food and the cooking, stick with something you have a vague idea how to make (saves
Moving on: you’ve cooked, you haven’t burnt down your kitchen and your food seems edible (your so used to it now, you think you’re immune), so of course it’s time to spruce up and look like the wonderful host that you are and of course, giving off the air of an organised chef wouldn’t be such a bad move. Also, take this as an opportunity to set the table i.e. Put your playing cards away, get rid of the chunder chart and if you’re feeling fancy light a couple of candles. On second thoughts, fire safety: drape some fairy lights around the place. There’s the first knock at the door. Greet your guests one by one and offer them a beveragewhether it be Tesco value orange juice, boxed wine or half a cup of Frosty Jacks. Follow this up with some pleasant conversation as people get seated. Dish up and feast- maybe do a Brendan (Coach Trip) and encourage people to comment on your efforts. Hopefully it’ll all be good feedback. And once the eating is over with, there’s just the washing up to do… the bonus of this being that it’s not your turn this week.
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o go hard, or to go home…in an ambulance, that is the question. Should you re-evaluate your life after coming home in an ambulance after a night out? With almost every night-out-story comes an ‘oh Fran’ chorus from my friends as I tell them more about how I slipped, tripped or head butted my way to A&E, or at least the medical room of a night club. Most people lose their bank card on a night out, a few select individuals such as myself lose anything from their dignity to brain cells from poorly chosen drinks and ‘interesting’ dance moves. But when do accidents change to something far more dangerous? Three trebles for a fiver sounds like a brilliant idea at the time, but then comes the swaying into traffic as a result of refusing to pay the £3 taxi fare to get home safe. Luck, or the lack of it, is an interesting phenomenon, and you may agree with me when I say that a lot of the time people are just in the wrong place at the wrong time, even if they are drunk. Ambulance and A&E staff understand this. Coming from a family of medics (oh the irony) they say they are used to dealing with drunk students, but it’s their job to care for them and their injuries like any other patient. A few weeks ago I suffered a concussion on a night out – and yes, it was a complete accident. When the ambulance arrived at 3am, apparently I was continually apologising and thanking the medics, whilst sliding off my chair in the back of the ambulance. The first thing one of them said to me was ‘we just want to make sure you are okay’.
“There’s a clear difference between a lack of spatial awareness, and actively endangering yourself and others”
They are a service like any other, and we are so lucky to not have to pay for the privilege of such care. However, all too often people deliberately endanger themselves through stupid acts such as drink driving, violent behaviour, or as a friend of mine often does, attempting to do parkour at 3 in the morning. There’s a clear difference between a lack of spatial awareness, and actively endangering yourself or others. A family member working in A&E frequently has intoxicated people head butt, bite and hit them just because she is trying to do her job. At the very least many medics receive violent words, either from the drunk person, or their friends. This is the problem. Is there really any need for people to punch each other, break bones, and then turn on the long suffering A&E staff ? Violence and aggression is not accepted sober, so why should it be accepted when you’re drunk? All too often I hear stories of people ending up in hospital due to misdirected and frankly unnecessary fighting whilst doing what should be a fun, relaxing experience. Implicating yourself in an act of violence and sustaining injuries is a very active, and (mostly) conscious decision. Drinking on a night out should be an enjoyable experience, and not one that could risk morality or legal action.
“Trebles sounds like a brilliant idea at the time’’
For the most part, as long as you’re not totally off the rails or costing the NHS too much, I believe accidents ultimately end in short term embarrassment but long term hilarity. However, if it’s something more, and you wake up after every night out with significant injuries from such things as punching a person/property/streetlamps, then I’m sorry but you may want to consider staying at home. So yes, please do re-evaluate your life if your drunk-self has a risk at landing you either in prison, or on an extended-stay medical ward. Long story short, just use your brain before a series of head injuries prevents you from doing so.
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Monday 23 February 2015
The Courier
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I
n the lead-up to going to University, I had absolutely no intention to admit to anybody – least of all myself – that I was trans. I’d talked over the issue with the friend who knew the (almost) complete situation around my thoughts on my gender, and was advised to take things very slowly, and not rush into any form of transition. So, on the drive up to Newcastle I focussed on the excitement of starting university and tried to ignore the feeling that with my decision to ignore my feelings on transitioning I was wasting the perfect chance for a fresh start. I introduced myself to my flatmates with my birth name, and we got along famously. It was only after I started my transition that I found out that two of my flatmates had to seek confirmation that I was a girl and they weren’t on a mixed floor; imagine the ego-boost! I was on an all-girls floor, and although the lasses were ridiculously lovely I still had a sinking feeling in my stomach when I realised the situation. I couldn’t bring that up with anybody without outing myself, or sounding particularly odd at least, so it became something I tried to ignore. I’d visited the stall for the LGBT+ Society at the Freshers’ Fair, I’d missed the first few socials. Something inspired me to join a social on a Monday night, and despite it being the blur of faces and names the first month of University inevitably is, I came away with a definite feeling of having found a good group of people who would accept me as Jen the gay female, or whatever else I decided to be (another plug for LGBT+ societies, seriously, they’re great things). As I got closer to the people I lived with, I opened up to those I was closest to, and told them that I’d been questioning my gender for years, but it wasn’t going to go any further with it than wearing very short hair. It was that unquestioning acceptance and encouragement from people who had no reason on earth to support me that must have caused a shift in my mind, and around a month and a half after starting University I could be found an emotional wreck asking my flatmates to call me James
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and treat me like a man. Both the lasses from my floor and the lads from the floor below were highly supportive, and commendably un-phased by the whole affair. After a fair number of slip ups, I was James, in the flat at least. I came out to the LGBT+ Society less as a group, and more my telling people when it fitted into the conversation, and letting the news disperse that way. Again, everybody was awesome about it, some asking me why I’d bothered trying to hide it in the first place. My tutors as well, were wonderful, treating me with the upmost respect and making sure I had the information on how to get my name changed on the Uni system. In fact, I can’t commend Newcastle University highly enough on their stance on trans students and their commitment to help. With an emotional phone call to my parents (I’d rather have done it in person, but wanted the dust to have settled somewhat by Christmas) and a message to my school friends, I was James to all my friends and family and was over the moon to be recognised as the person I’m happiest being by those who matter to me most. I’ve been very lucky to have had the support I’ve been given, and am aware of it and grateful for it every day. After transitioning I became even more involved in the LGBT+ Society, identifying as both ‘G’ and ‘T’. It’s given me a hatred of Tuesdays, with the inevitable weekly monster hangover from Monday socials, but it has also made me far more aware of LGBT+ issues, and I’m very proud to be the society’s Co-President for 2014/15. As far as advice for any person already identifying as trans, or feels it’s something that may apply to them, I would say that it is perfectly natural to be scared in the run-up to university, but truthfully, people have enough of their own worries to spend time thinking of yours. When it comes to it, the majority of people want to see those around them happy, and will adapt to your needs with regards to names and pronouns so ensure that you’re comfortable. James Davison
T
hree days before I set off for university with my parents and two carloads of luggage, I got a call from a friend of mine. After discussing various topics she casually shot a comment at me that for some reason started a train of thought that was kept running until the early hours of the following morning: ‘Imagine how many cute boys there will be in Newcastle!’ Now then, while my brain lingered on the point for quite some time, it wasn’t because of the potential eye candy. I was 18 at the time and going to university which meant being my own person and all that entailed, part of which was being an out gay man. Whilst I had been out for just under a year I was still in what I though of as a transition period. Friends were still getting used to me being open about my sexuality (with my blunt nature and frankness on any given topic making it difficult for people to adjust). Newcastle was a new start where
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I
remember this time last year with startling clarity - I was getting ready to start at Newcastle University, and both terrified and excited at the same time. Starting university is always going to be a stressful event, but I felt a little more apprehensive than most – for the first time in my life, I’d have the freedom to live openly as a bisexual girl, and I was going to take it. I’d not really ‘come out’ before moving out for university. My closest friends knew, a couple of my siblings were aware of my sexuality but because I come from a strict religious background, I’d kept it under wraps for the most part. I’m an open person – if asked straight out (no pun intended), I’m happy to identify as bisexual, but living away from home meant being free to come and go as I pleased, and with whoever I wanted, and it was definitely
something I wasn’t used to. University presents you with a unique set of opportunities to find other people who you identify with in some way, and make some fast friends who understand what you’re going through – whether that’s people who have the same interests, the same hobbies, or in the case of our LGBT+ Society, the same experiences regarding sexuality. If I’m honest, I was nervous about signing up to the society – I didn’t want it to be a defining thing about me, not when I had the chance to start anew in Newcastle. But as soon as I went up to the LGBT+ table at the Fresher’s fair, I knew that I wanted to sign up. Everyone that I’ve met through the LGBT+ society has been absolutely lovely. Sometimes, it’s just nice to be able to swap coming out stories, to sit down and realise that there are other people go-
no one would question or wonder. It would just be fact. I fell asleep a happy man. But all emotions are transient. My ever-wandering mind arrived at the worst possible case scenario. One in which my newfound flat mates hated me, laughed at me or thought me weird because of who I loved (an experience that was regrettably far too familiar from my existence in Lincolnshire thus making the situation plausible in my head). This scenario rattled around my head for the entirety of the car journey. It then rattled around my dad’s head as my incessant questioning of his thoughts on my flat mates he hadn’t met slowly drove him mad. Skipping forward slightly, and I feel red flush my face. I am moving in and talking to the first flatmate I met, Kieran. I am sticking posters to my walls and pick up my calendar and absent-mindedly walk into Kieran’s room to ask him what he thinks our
other flat mates will be like when his eyes dart to the shirtless Tom Daley that I am about to stick to my wall. His face looks away expressionless and I walk back to stick the Olympian to my cupboard door. He neither threw rocks nor shouted curse words. I was the most relaxed I’d felt in a long time. Jumping further forward and I am walking round the activities fair in a large hall, which is far too full of people that look twice my age. I’m with my newfound friend Apurva and I leave her without warning for a moment to talk to the people behind the LGBT+ Society stall. The conversation was short and not particularly memorable but I gathered there was a night out happening in the near future which I was incredibly excited to attend (yet in hindsight unprepared for). I could openly say how attractive I thought Jake Gyllenhaal was and not have to secretly gauge reactions for signs of disapproval. Some people might even agree. The
The Courier
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Monday 23 February 2015
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T
hree years ago I was only so far out of the closet. The door was open but I barely stepped outside. Despite living in a gay capitol, Manchester, I did experience years of high school bullying and self repression. So while my brothers were drooling over The Pussycat Dolls, my sister could go wild over Justin Timberlake but there I was staying silent about Darren Criss making my heart race in skin tight jeans. I was still out, everyone knew and by sixth form most people were very supportive. But all the same it stayed like an almost secret part of me that people even sometimes forgot about. However, after being shyly open for about two years I promised myself that university would be different. My floor on Castle Leazes was all guys who asked a myriad of identical questions, most of which was forgettable and polite small-talk. Asking whether or not I had a gap year, where I was from, what I was studying and finally whether or not I had a girlfriend. Prior to university I would have been vague and just said no, but this was my opportunity to be open and honest and say no because I’m gay. This had some mixed reactions, as any time I come out does. Some people are unphased, some people think it makes sense and others are flabbergasted that they don’t think I’m gay enough. I promptly started dressing in brighter clothes in hopes to meet this queer criteria people didn’t think I met. But this was among straight guys, and I’d had a lifetime of straight male friends, for the first time ever I wanted other LGBT+ friends. I had tried in the past to talk about my attraction to guys with straight guys and though they can be accepting they can hardly participate. Then came the day I waited for, the society fair. While I did want to pursue a sport, pick up new hobbies and expand in fields I already enjoyed, I hunted for that rainbow flag with a borderline magnetic attraction. And I think it was so important that I had that. The first night out, which was also my first night in a gay club scene, felt electric. Just seeing boys kissing boys and girls dancing with girls and knowing it wasn’t for a “no homo� joke or to get guys to buy them drinks, it was all real. It’s difficult to describe how welcoming that atmosphere felt, for someone who hadn’t gone on many nights out before. The lights and the music, all felt a little overwhelming but the friends I made
almost instantly in the society, some of whom are now my best friends, helped make it easy. It goes without saying that the first year of university is a confusing time for anyone (thank goodness the grades don’t count to the overall degree). For many it is a new realm of independence, you have a new standard of work expected and it is the beginning of really being yourself as an adult. As I said, for anyone that is a challenge. But being LGBT+, university can offer you the freedom to really be yourself and surround yourself with brand new people who can give you complete support, acceptance and understanding. I was finally having the kind of friends, moments and nights out that my straight friends had already experienced, and which I had been missing out on. And the effects were clear; I stopped trying to dress to appease straight perceptions, I was more emotionally honest, I was having fun. Over the three years of university the hesitation and discomfort I felt regarding my sexuality had all but melted away. I could casually mention the fact that I have a boyfriend to people without anxiety, and the wonderful thing was that there was almost never much of a reaction positive or negative from people after hearing that. And this wasn’t just the LGBT+ Society, anyone from people on my course, people in my houses and strangers on a night out. I wasn’t afraid to just be me anymore. I think it’s fair to say that much of this came from the natural progression of just growing up and being in a more mature, open minded environment. But I’d be lying if I said that the friends I made at university didn’t help, especially with the confidence that I built from the LGBT+ Society. Now that I’ve graduated my hopes lie with the new students coming in a similar situation. The ones who are kind of in and kind of out of the closet, maybe not totally okay with announcing themselves to everyone and the ones who are excited to meet other people just like them. For those students, know that university can be the start of something completely new and fantastic for you. And that rainbow flag could be for you what it was for me and what the pride flag is by definition, an affirming symbol of acceptance and celebration. So, among the many lessons you will learn at uni, never forget the important lesson to love and celebrate yourself. Connor Cathcart
!"#$%&$'&($%)'*%+$$,%-,%*./0$12/,)%-1$%2'+$%'3% ,#$%+'2,%-44$&,/.5%-.6%3-7*('*2%&$'&($%)'*%8/((% $0$1%+$$,9%:%4-..',%,#-.;%$0$1)'.$%$.'*5#%3'1% *.4'.6/,/'.-(()%-44$&,/.5%+$< ing through the same confusions and muddling through the same situations as you. I hadn’t been much involved in the first semester, but I had the chance to take part in a ‘Queerstion Time’ event in the second semester as a panellist. It was an awesome chance to learn more about people from different orientations and identities, and help to create a little more understanding about the LGBT+ community. And the society feels like that, too – a community. We go out, we get drunk, we go on trips, we get together in coffee shops, and we try and raise awareness and help out some cool charities. I’m definitely looking forward to doing more with the society next year, and I’d encourage any Fresher to do the same, because you really won’t regret it! Anonymous night out itself is unimportant and if I’m honest, a little hazy in my memory (although, regrettably, pictures do exist to this day), the point being I now felt there was a community I could talk to. It was like stumbling across a confessional in a catholic church at two o’clock on a Tuesday morning (I’d imagine). Whilst my first year at university was a frantic struggle to find what I wanted to do and, more importantly, where my next lecture was, the society gave me friends that remained a wonderful, reassuring constant; friends that I will keep with me for a very long time (if they like it or not). As I see it university helped my progress. At the beginning of the year I was resistant. I was open with who I am and was ready to kill or maim anyone who told me that I was wrong for it. Now I have come to the realization that its very rare that anyone will. I’m honestly unsure what I’m writing
W
hen I think back (a few more years than I care to mention) to whom I was before I started University, I can barely recognize myself. I was an incredibly shy and reserved man who found meeting new people difficult. I dressed badly (I still get flashbacks which very much make me cringe inside), I had a haircut that only my mother could love and I very much lacked confidence in myself and who I was. University life is, and was, a very exciting time that has enabled me to grow into the confident, self-assured and outgoing person that I felt I could never be. To everyone looking ahead to starting at University, you should not see it as full of uncertainty, but as an exciting chance to meet new people, discover new possibilities, and shape who you are and who you want to be. I was comfortable and this for or who will read it but if you happen to be a gay man or under any part of the LGBT+ umbrella and you are worried about the wide world that is university, I can say this: NO ONE CARES. Rude, I know. But people are far to busy in their own lives to care about your sexuality or gender any more than to spark a two minute conversation. Being part of the LGBT+ community will earn you no more friends or enemies than being blonde or freckly will. Your friends at university will be gained through your personality and essentially being who you are or want to be. However if you do need someone to talk to the LGBT+ Society is there if needed. It’s a wonderful community that I hope can be as much help to whoever reads this as it was to me (subtle society advert). James Howlett
welcomed from day one, in a way that I never was at school. Now that I have mapped out the importance of how University has enabled me not to dress like an over-enthusiastic clown, with colour clashes in every outfit, I can talk about how it has enabled me to process and accept my sexuality as a part of who I am. After dating a string of women (if any of you happen to read this, you can be rest assured that you did not turn me gay) from Year 12 until second year was a very extended period of, for want of a better word, ‘experimentation’. Each of these ‘encounters’ never felt quite right, always a little forced and I was never quite comfortable. The decision then came to start the journey of discovering and accepting my sexuality. Looking back, this had always been the thing that had stopped me from becoming the confident person I am today. This decision meant I went on my first date with a member of the same sex, and it changed my outlook completely. Rather than feeling forced and awkward, conversation flowed and I felt comfortable in the environment around me. I always thought that sexuality was defined by sex; hence if I did not enjoy sex, I would not enjoy the sexuality attached. I wish someone had taught me this back in Year 12, and it is the lesson I hope you take forward. Creating space to develop connections with someone else will tell you much more about yourself, rather than sex in an environment you may not be comfortable with. Sexuality is not defined by who you have sex with or what kind of sex you have. Narrowing the definition of sexuality down to sex hindered the self-discovery of my own gay identity. After having accepted my sexual identity (and grew in confidence through that acceptance
of my intrinsic sexuality) I feared the reaction of others, but this was completely misguided. The people you meet at university are some of the most accepting and fabulous people you will ever meet. I cannot thank everyone enough for unconditionally accepting me. This is still the case today (saying this really does make me feel old) where at the freshers’ fair I witnessed a most beautiful moment that I won’t forget. Two guys came to the fair together, and on seeing the LGBT society stall, one of the guys discussed with the other their worry about not having anyone to go with, and how others would react to finding out he was LGBT. The other turned to him, and despite only knowing him a matter of days, unconditionally told him that if anyone ever gave him any trouble, he would stand up for him, and that he would attend events with him. This moment is testament to how inclusive university makes you feel, and you can be sure that the LGBT society is somewhere where you will always feel welcome and accepted. Have no qualms about being, or discovering, yourself at University. The support around you is unwavering and limitless. When you speak to people about being LGBT, you never feel alone. If you would have told me a few years ago that I would not only be part of the first Pride parade in Durham, but also helped to organize it, I would not have believed you. This is testament to the exciting possibilities of going somewhere new and being surrounded by lovely people. The North-East far from being casted as behind the times, is boundless in its friendliness and inclusiveness. You should really look forward to being part of such a lovely community. Howay, man. Philip Mullen
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Monday 23 February 2015
The Courier
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eople lend clothes to each other, I get it. It’s a familiar routine: I borrow your pork pie hat, you take my unitard - standard. I’ve even been known to borrow the odd item myself from time to time (after making the connection between the sexual proclivity of my housemate and his ownership of a tweed jacket). A one-use item loan can be a godsend when your wardrobe hasn’t been updated since your gym membership expired and Dad’s old slacks suddenly became a good fit. I’m not criticising that. What I am criticising is that insipid question, “Where did you get your [item of clothing] from?”. It seems to be a fairly common exchange between girls. Most of the time, the girl being asked willingly obliges, happy in the knowledge her peer is paying compliment to her fashion sense. But your peer is not simply paying compliment to your fashion sense. Your peer wants to buy the same clothes as you. Your peer wants to look like you. Your peer wants TO BE YOU… Okay, maybe they don’t want to be you per se, but they do want to copy your outfit, and that’s bad enough. Choosing what you wear, just like choosing what you eat, should be a mild pleasure. It shouldn’t be the gravitational point around which your life revolves, nor should it be completely neglected either. These things offer fun opportunities for creativity, for experimentation.
“Clothing is a good medium to say something about yourself ”
Clothing is a good medium to say something about yourself. Maybe not to say everything, but it can give a little flavour as to what you’re about. This is why I liked a popular trend that took off in my hometown a few years back, when a lot of the guys started to wear chinos, ‘Toms’ and Mickey Mouse jumpers. I liked it because I could know exactly who was a cunt just by looking at them. Just find your own attire, it’s as simple as that. If you like your friend’s… I don’t know, blouse - look for something similar, just don’t buy a carbon copy of the thing. I know that clothes are only superficial symbols of individuality, and a lot of them only differ in that they have a different dude’s name on the label, but trying to dress the exact same way as someone else just makes you all the more unoriginal. To be influenced is fair enough, but if you follow fads now then you’ll always be doing so. Find your own style, however, and it can last you a lifetime. I know I seem to have a lot of strong opinions about what seems like a relatively trivial matter, but I guess it’s just one of those things. You see a group of people at a party all dressed the same, you’re liable to turn around and walk away. But if you see one person dressed like an actual individual, you might have yourself a conversation with an actual individual.
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ith the rise in ‘alternative’ fashion, I’ve noticed that many people have chosen to embrace of all the weird and wonderful styles of the 20th century. As a result of this relatively fluid fashion, we seem to be able to cross multiple decades in one single outfit. Of course with this, the ‘sports bra debate’ comes into play. For me personally, there’s nothing wrong with wearing a sports bra on a night out, it’s even liberating – I’m not subscribing to pushup/pain/inadequacy which often comes with wearing a bra that ‘everybody else is wearing’. Also, think about your poor boobs when you’re dancing: you wouldn’t go to the gym without a sports bra, and if you’re anything like me, dancing is definitely a workout. If you’re in any doubt, just take a look at brands such as Moschino and Calvin Klein, and you’ll see them making sporty sexy. Instagram is flooded with endless images of girls in their #mycalvins, what more evidence in needed to prove the popularity of this current trend? Granted, you have to be careful what you pair your sports bra with, opt for jeans or leggings with a funky pattern, and comfy trainers, but make sure to stay away from your slightly more going out glam pieces, such as a midi skirt and heels, then you’ll have the look sussed. So, what I’m really trying to say is that wearing something on a night out can be as practical as it is fashionable. I am completely in love with how much freedom we have to experiment with fashion at the moment, it allows women to wear anything and be comfortable – do you not remember the legend that is Sporty Spice?
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s it okay to wear sports bras on a night out? No, obviously. Since when did this become a thing? Correct me if I’m wrong but I have always been under the illusion that sports bras are for working out in the gym, and not a night club. Soon is everyone going to start wearing yoga pants to Perdu, sweat bands in Tiger Tiger? And no, this isn’t a suggestion. The whole idea of a night out is to dress up, and a sports bra is just too casual. Wearing no bra I can get on board with, if you’re lucky enough to not need the chest support, but a sports bra is a step too far. Now I know the sporty look is very on trend and there are some great sporty inspired items in the shops that are great for a night out. But if the only sporty thing you’re wearing is a sports bra that you would wear in the gym, you can’t say you’re going for the sporty look. If you do like the more sporty look, then the sports luxe trend that is everywhere right now is perfect for nights out- featuring silky harem pants and patterned bomber jackets, you can still look stylish, with ASOS the best place to look for these pieces right now. Sports luxe was a massive trend last season, and can be taken from the shops to the dancefloor without looking like you’ve just finished your workout. Recently Lorde rocked the style in the evening, wearing a sporty crop top (not sports bra) and red flared joggers, with a matching red blazer. A perfect example of how to pull off the trend in the evening. But it is not actual sportswear. So, if you’d wear it in the gym don’t wear it in a club.
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ports Illustrated’s swimsuit edition is highly anticipated all over the world every year. Previous covers have featured supermodels Christie Brinkley and Elle Macpherson, with more recent years seeing the likes of Kate Upton, Irina Shayk and Lily Aldridge gracing the glossy pages. Besides all being clad in the latest designer swimwear, all of these models have one thing in common – their size. But in 2015, we are welcoming a very positive change in this. It was recently announced that ‘plus-size’ model Ashley Graham will be included amongst her fellow models, in an advert for shopping site SwimsuitsForAll, which stocks swimwear for sizes 8 to 34. As part of the #CurvesInBikinis campaign, Ashley can be found posing provocatively by a swimming pool in a black bikini, with men literally falling around her. Unless you live under a rock, you’ve no
doubt seen the video clips, photos and hashtags all over social media – this girl is making waves. As Graham said herself, “there is no reason to hide and every reason to flaunt” her curves, and this move from Sports Illustrated is having a very positive impact.
“The magazine is sending out the message that you don’t have to be thin to be beautiful”
The world-renowned magazine is sending out the message that you don’t have to be thin to be beautiful, and that you can be sexy no matter your size. Helping with this is Robyn Lawley, the first ‘plus-size’ model to feature in a spread in Sports Illustrated. The Australian beauty has said
that only giving one consistent body shape for women to look up to means they may end up hating their body, and so her shoot is a step towards widespread publications becoming more inclusive of different body types. Looking around you right now, you will see women of all different shapes and sizes, all of whom should be realistically represented in magazines and advertising. By visually representing women from a spectrum of body sizes, publications are broadening the perceived ‘acceptable’ beauty standard and letting women know that they do not need to be one particular size in order to be considered attractive. However, the only way to achieve this properly is to stop treating ‘plussize’ models in publications as novelties and to not tokenise their inclusion. They are models and so should be featured and treated like other models in the business, ‘plus size’ or ‘regular’ alike. By not generating a fuss around their inclusion and treating their features like they would those of other models, magazines would show that all body shapes are regular and normal to see, which is very much the case in real life. Hopefully this will be the norm in the near future and a wider standard of beauty will be represented for women to be inspired by.
The Courier
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Monday 23 February 2015
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im Kardashian’s evolution is certainly mind-blowing. How does Paris Hilton’s sidekick on red carpets flourish into gracing an ad campaign for a world-renown fashion house, Balmain? Doubtless, she is a whiz in making the right manoeuvers through the industry and is living proof that there is no such thing as bad publicity. Dare I say it, she is possibly breaking the Internet. It is no secret that with Kanye West’s association, Kim Kardashian became an overnight sensation in the fashion world. An immense influence from Kanye would simply be an understatement. Mrs West’s style transformed from garish looks to subtle tones in the wardrobe, hair, and make-up department, almost immediately.
“Kim Kardashian has proven to us she is no longer just a face but instead a force”
Kanye, a creative genius, would probably have every designer on his speed-dial and of course, it came as no surprise when Kim Kardashian was rubbing shoulders with the likes of Oliver Rousteing and Riccardo Tisci. Before you even knew
it, Kim was sitting front row at fashion shows dressed by the noted designers themselves. Not forgetting another one of her copious special benefits, knowing the designers personally, allowing her to flood our Instagram feeds with backstage images of the ‘#BalmainArmy’. In addition, by landing a cover on the prestigious Vogue,, despite her brief or barely-there credentials, Kim knew how to keep people talking especially with the helping hand of controversy. Just when I thought I’d seen it all, the latest LOVE magazine editorial leaves me aghast, pulling a bold move by putting the usually glamourous Kardashian in a bold and grimy shoot. With merely bleached eyebrows, dark eyes and nude lips, the organic vibe of this shoot threw me off with the diversity that Kim could deliver. Her au naturel wardrobe choice (for the most part), showcasing her prominent assets, is being glorified, no longer seen as being tawdry. Could we view this as Kim Kardashian West’s budding fashion icon status or is this just a ploy for magazines to sell? But, credit’s due whichever the answer is. Mr. Oliver Rousteing himself has a wellknown, celebrity-filled posse and is distinctively
known for embracing this new contemporary social media and celebrity culture. Rousteing acknowledges Rihanna and Kim Kardashian as his modern-day muses and visionaries who have revolutionized luxe fashion into a culturally relevant affair for all. As the creative head, he evidently brought Balmain’s brand awareness to the next level and represents a form of expression that is relatable to the prevailing social media era. Let’s face it, he knows exactly what he is doing. Long gone are the days where designer labels spread their styles through supermodels. Being simply famous doesn’t cut it either. Personality and influence seems to be a prerequisite. Consumers want more and who else would be better suited than someone who airs out their existence (and more) for the world to witness? So, do I think a reality star deserves a spot on an esteemed fashion campaign? No. But, Kim Kardashian has proven to us she is no longer just a face but instead a force. Her provocative and controversial media presence has somehow made her an icon in her own rights.
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Q
I really like the shirt dresses that are everywhere this season, but I am unsure how to wear them. I really like denim, and a relaxed slouchy, baby doll style. Can you tell me how to style it? And the best place to buy them from? Thanks, Anna.
A
Hi Anna, Shirt dresses are all over the highstreet, and they come in pretty much every shape, style and colour. Finding a shirt dress to suit you can be difficult, especially as they can be quite shapeless and unflattering. The ones I’ve picked out are easy to wear, perfect to layer up when it’s still chilly, but can easily be taken into Summer. This navy utility dress from Topshop is perfect for an easy, everyday item. You can dress this up however you like, I would suggest to wear it leather leggings and some bright white trainers. I’ve recently purchased some Adidas Superstars and LOVE them, they would be perfect for this outfit and are so comfy! For a more formal look you could wear a camel coat or trench over the top, paired with some heeled black boots. If you want to go for something a bit more colourful or shapely then this vibrant number is your dress. Although this dress may not appear to be the most appropriate for this cold Newcastle weather, I think it would look amazing with a few winter accessories; tights, knee high boots and a big fur coat will help to transform this outfit from a ditsy summer piece to a chic boho look. The fact it is more of a summery print can be used to your advantage; bringing Winter pieces into summer means you don’t have to spend any money updating your wardrobe.
Q
I am looking to invest in some new shoes for everyday wear, just casual like to walk to uni in. I always wear black trainers and I fancy a change. I quite like the look of brogues and the Doc Martens, but I need some guidance as I’m venturing into new territory. Can you help? Thank you, Zoe.
A
Hi Zoe, These Doc-dupes are an absolute steal at £55. These are the perfect everyday shoe, they’re great with skinny jeans, leggings and even dresses and skirts. I love the subtle snakeskin detailing on these shoes, it makes them a little less androgynous and means they can be a focal point of your outfit - I’m even considering replacing my Dr Marten brogues with these Topshop beauties. If black isn’t your colour then have a browse through the Topshop website, there are tonnes of variations of this shoe to choose from, they would still look amazing in a brighter colour. If you do want to splash the cash, then Dr Martens are the perfect investment. Not only do they last a lifetime, but as you wear them the leather stretches and morphs to your foot, making them the ultimate boot in comfort. They’re timeless and they’ll never be uncool, so are definitely worth spending the extra cash on. Flat shoes like the ones I’ve shown you can be quite androgynous, and if this isn’t your look, try adding some frilly socks to ‘girly’ them up a little; rolled up jeans, frilly socks and your pair of Docs.
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rom the moment FKA Twigs appeared on the front cover of i-D magazine back in 2012, the music and fashion worlds joined forces and recognised her as their newest style icon. With the word ‘love’ spelled out across her forehead in baby hairs, Twigs made her fashion debut in her trademark original way. Her style is refreshingly hard to define and the Gloucestershire-born singer is never seen in anything ‘expected,’ often referencing the ‘90s but somehow managing to stay contemporary and cool. From the tough trouser suit and Docs paired with a delicate white bralet, to the pop-art style magazine print suit she accessorised with red rosebud lips and 70s style circle sunglasses, the girl certainly knows how to work an outfit. Twigs’ background in interpretive dance makes her the perfect candidate for high fashion photography, and style giants such as Vogue and Dazed have wasted no time in snapping the 27-year-old beauty.
“Think grunge meets girly meets 70s artiste and you should be on the right track”
Part of Twigs’ signature style make-up are the ‘S’ shaped curls she spends minutes every day framing her face with – a look hailing from the singer’s self-confessed beauty icon Josephine Baker. While you might find it difficult rocking some gelled down baby hairs on your next trip to Tesco, the braver of you fashionistas might be interested in the latest faux septum nose ring trend originating from the style muse. FKA Twigs is rarely pictured without her ornate gold hoop and it’s easy enough to pick up one of your own if you fancy recreating – just look online to La Moda for some beautiful designs which at £5 or less won’t break the bank. Another tip to easily steal a bit of Twigs’ style is to recreate her go-to hair look. The singer is the biggest braids advocate out there (in one video she’s suspended in the air by her own), and if you’re feeling adventurous go for four pulled high either side of your head – a look already mastered by many Cosmic Ballroom dwellers. In terms of emulating Twigs’ sartorial choices, your best bet is to rifle through the nearest charity/vintage shop for any eccentric gems you can lay your hands on - think grunge meets girly meets 70s artiste and you should be on the right track. A friend of mine once suggested that FKA Twigs eccentric garms make her look like she’s been in a fight with a wardrobe, but if that’s the case, her instantly appointed style crown says she’s the winner.
If you want Nina’s help, send us an email with your wardrobe worry. Illustrations by Daisy Billowes
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Monday 23 February 2015
The Courier
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ith Stan Calvert just around the corner it’s important that Newcastle University’s top sportsmen and -women are in tip top condition. Of course, even for those not taking part in the games it’s crucial that we keep our bodies in a good condition. There are so many things you can do which not only benefit your appearance but your physiology as well.
?:$%0(,@$"#&+*$#2$<&.)0 Per day on average scientists recommend that we drink around 8 glasses of water a day, that’s around 2.5 litres of good old H2O. The body is made up of about 60% water so it’s crucial that you drink plenty of water to keep your body functioning properly. Industry experts recommend drinking at least 250ml of water an hour before exercising and plenty during. Not only does this mean your getting the most out of your body but, drinking lots of water means healthy bouncy hair, a great digestive system and glowing, bright eyes.
>:$8(.$.6)$6&7 On average we all need around 8 hours sleep a night. So if you’ve got to get to that 6 o’clock training session (thoughts go out to my hard working, badminton-playing housemate) that means getting your head on that pillow at around 9:30pm.
“Drinking lots of water means healthy bouncy hair and glowing bright eyes” If you have trouble drifting off why not try This Works’ Deep Sleep pillow spray? Infused with essential oils of lavender, vetivert and wild camomile, this spray is made to soothe your body and mind helping you drift off into a beautiful, deep sleep. If you need an extra bit of help pair the spray with their Deep Sleep Stress Less roll-on. Simply roll onto your temples and pulse points to aid a restful night sleep.
9:$$;&.$7#/0$<&7$.#$ 2&=/"#/*,)**$ Of course eating a well balanced diet is crucial whether you’re playing sport or not. There are some important things to avoid of course if you want to get the best out of your body. Avoid crash/fad diets. These will create an internal imbalance and a sense of confusion for your digestive system. Also fad diets often exclude key nutrients and vitamins that are vital for your body. What’s more of your repeatedly losing and gaining weight your skin will start to sag. If you want a great pre-match/race meal incorporate some fish into your dish. Salmon is a great source of omega-3 which helps to combat depression, heart disease and cancer. It’s also great for concentration, so you’ll be able to keep your eye fixed on that ball. Oily fish is also great for your skin, helping to add a natural glow.
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ith there being an abundance of make up brushes on the market, it can seem a near-impossible task to choose the perfect ones. After hours of research I have realized that there is no point in investing in nice make up, without the appropriate tools to apply the make up - so here are my top picks.
9"#1'6":70*;$"-'(<=",%' >#:"'!,$-7 My one true love. This brush works perfectly with liquid or cream foundation. Unlike the Louise Young LY34, which achieves more of an everyday look with one quick sweep, the Expert Face Brush achieves a full coverage complexion. What is great about this brush is that it does not soak up the product. Some synthetic brushes have the tendency to absorb product, meaning more product ends up on the brush, as opposed to the face. Instead this leaves you with a flawless base, perfectly blended. Because it’s ultra slim and broad and is smaller than the Louise Young, it’s a more practical brush to pop into your make up bag. For best results, apply buffing motions all over the face until an even finish is achieved (note that the Expert
Face Brush works wonders accompanied with the Nars Sheer Glow foundation).
9"#1'6":70*;$"-'?"1$<"' @,"#-"'!,$-7 As part of the Real Techniques starter set, the deluxe crease brush is superb for eye shadow application (as intended), however I personally love to use this multifunctional brush to blend in concealer. The soft oversized design allows for a effortless application, making product blend smoothly, leaving no appearance of crease lines like some flat concealer brushes do. Another of my favourite brushes from the starter set is the Base Shadow brush. This is fab for gently sweeping a dash of colour over the lids, as well as setting under eye concealer, to make sure the product doesn’t crease or budge throughout the day.
9"#1'6":70*;$"-'!1$-7' !,$-7 The perfect sized tapered brush for applying bronzer. Slightly longer in length and fuller than
your average bronzer brush, this works perfectly for achieving an overall bronzed glow. To get the best results from this brush, work into the hollow of the cheekbones and up towards your temple. What is great about the Real Techniques collection is that the soft Taklon brushes are easy to clean while the synthetic bristles mean the brushes are 100% cruelty-free.
A+$*-"'B+$0C'ABDE' F$=",'>+$0)#%*+0'!,$-7 Hand on heart, one of the best purchases I have made, and there’s no surprise this gem in Louise Young’s best seller. When your want to achieve a more daytime appropriate look, or alternatively are in a bit of a hurry, this brush is easy. With the luxurious brush being to large and having a domed tip, means it allow you to blend a sheer wash of tint all-over in a few strokes, with the tip allowing you to work the product into all areas, working the product seamlessly into the skin. Whilst at the pricier end of the market, this makeup brush is a real splurge, yet an incredible brush to add to your collection.
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ontouring has to be my absolute favourite makeup technique. Rather than makeup leaving your face looking unnaturally two-dimensional, it creates depth, shadow and highlight. As well as that, you are in charge, so you can alter and emphasise what you like. There are two main steps to contouring: the shadowing and the highlighting. Shadowing makes an area recede away and is done by applying a colour darker than your natural skin colour. I would usually suggest two shades darker, however this can be decided with regards to personal preference. It is applied usually beneath the cheek bone to empha-
sise the hollow, as well as areas of the forehead you want to protrude away, such as the temples. This is to make the forehead appear smaller. Along and under the jaw is also popular and effective for creating a more defined, sharp looking jaw line. Contour can similarly be used to alter the look of your nose. Highlighting emphasises areas of the face and makes them appear more protruding. A highlight colour, usually lighter than your skin colour, can be applied to the cheekbones, centre of forehead and areas of the chin. The essential product for this look is MAC Matchmaster Concealer, in a colour two shades darker than your skin colour. Using a creamy consistency contour as opposed to a powder allows you to blend right into the skin to provide a naturally defined look. The highlighter I use is Nars Radiant Cream Concealer. This may look scary, but it is absolutely do-able for even the beginner contourer. For this look I firstly apply a contour to the edges of the forehead by running the stick along the skin. This will decrease the look of the size of the forehead. Next I apply it down the sides of the bridge of the nose to make the nose look thinner and beneath the cheekbones. If you are finding it difficult to locate cheek bones, use your hands and have a feel. Lastly I applied colour under the jaw line to define it. I apply the highlight to the centre of the forehead the bridge of the nose, beneath the eyes to conceal any dark circles and beneath the cheekbone contour. Using a Bare Minerals concealer brush, I blend the contour only slightly. I then apply my natural shade of foundation on a Real Techniques stippling brush and blend onto the face, starting on the cheeks and blending outwards to the edge of the face. I blend in circular motions along the face
for an airbrushed finish. Next I sweep Chanel Tan de Soleil Universal Bronzer over the contour using my Real Techniques powder brush to add slightly more depth. I then apply Mac Mineralise Skin Finish over the face to reduce any shine using any flat-topped finishing brush. I found mine in Tesco. When you’ve finished, the face should look defined and yet, because it follows the natural curves of the face, very natural. Don’t shy away from contouring. Start now and it will change your makeup dynamics forever.
The Courier
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Monday 23 February 2015
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laits are quick and simple methods of glamming up basic hairstyles, and are perfect for when your hair could maybe do with a bit of a wash. Those of you with a fringe of any kind know the trauma of having to style it every day, whether it won’t blow dry straight or it’s just flopping hopelessly in your face, it’s forever causing some sort of trauma to your morning routine. A simple French plait across your hairline quickly solves all these problems, as well as leaving you with an effortlessly flawless style. Start at your parting and take a section of your fringe, separate this into three parts and begin a simple plait, every couple of times you cross over your hair, pick up more hair from your fringe so that the plait moves across your hairline, eventually containing all of you fringe. You can either stop here and secure with hair grips or continue into the main section of your hair to create a longer plait that continues round your head. This style takes a matter of sec-
onds and is perfect for when you’re running a bit late in the morning. Difficulty rating: 2/10. If you’re ready to take your plaiting skills to the next level, French plaits are such a cute look for when you want to keep your hair out of the way, either for exercise of simply if your hair is still wet. For this, a middle parting is best so that the plaits are even. Similarly to the first style, start at the front of your head at the parting with three pieces of hair, only this time you’ll be moving the plait down the back of your head instead of across. Continue adding sections of hair as you plait down your head, when you reach the end of your scalp, continue braiding the length of your hair in a basic plait style and secure at the bottom with a bobble. Repeat this on the other side of your head. This one’s a bit more time consuming, your first time may take around 10 minutes but once you get the hang of it you’ll speed up a bit. Difficulty rating: 6/10. For a more formal look, a fish tail plait is effort-
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e all have those mornings where we’ve overslept thanks to our alarm either not working or us repeatedly pressing snooze so that it’s an action that can be completed during the extended morning nap. A 9am isn’t the most helpful at times like this, but there is a way to be ready as fast as possible, whilst still getting your beauty sleep: doing your makeup in five (yes, five) minutes.
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lessly stylish. Although it’s more time consuming than a French plait it’s still a fairly quick look for when you’re running late for a night out! Start by sweeping your hair over to one side, back combing slightly at the roots if you tend to wear your hair volumised. Split the length of your hair into two section and hold one section in each hand. From one section, separate off a tiny bit of hair with your index finger and pass it over to join the other large section of hair. Take another small piece of hair from the section you just added hair to, and pass that over to the other section, this should create a ‘cross’ pattern. Continue this method until the length of your hair is plaited, secure with a bobble and use your fingers and hair grips if necessary to style any hair that may have been too short to plait. The smaller the pieces of hair you take, the more detailed the plait, however, this will mean the style takes longer to complete. It should take somewhere around 15 minutes with a difficulty rating of 8/10.
I begin with a clean face prepped with my favourite Kiehl’s Moisturiser, the Skin Rescuer. This ensures that I have a good base to work with. And, speaking of base, I then use Nars’ Radiant Creamy Concealer. Using the applicator provided, I apply it to the under eyes in a triangular shape and a ‘W’ shape on my forehead above the eyebrows. I also use it on any blemishes I want to cover. Using fingertips I push and roll the concealer into the skin. I prefer using my fingertips with this concealer as it melts into the skin leaving a ‘skin, but better than skin’ finish.
<9+,)'=(9, I pump foundation onto the back of a CD and apply it to cheeks. Using the shiny side of a CD as opposed to your hand to transfer foundation omits the chance of a remaining makeup mark on your hand that could potentially transfer onto clothes and also prevents the loss of any makeup that may remain on the hand. Using a Real Techniques stippling brush in circular motions on the skin, I apply the foundation.
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ucked away on Mistletoe Road in Jesmond, in the back of RNB Salon, is a hidden gem - Serendipity Beauty. Beautician Sam has her own room at the back of RNB salon where the magic of her treatments take place. I searched for ‘Serendipity Beauty’ on Facebook and found lots of the offers on the page, which change regularly and are incredibly good value especially for Jesmond where most salons charge premium prices. Despite the lower price, nothing at all about the standard of my treatment was low. In fact, it was exceptional. I noticed Serendipity Beauty was running a 50% off all treatments offer in January, so booked an appointment for HD Brows. Sam is an Official Stylist of HD Brows, has been trained at their headquarters, and has even had refresher courses to keep her up to date with the latest methods. I found her details on the HD Brows website as the nearest salon to me offering the treatment. (Remember to always check on the HD Brows official website as to whether the salon offering the treatment is an official retailer and professionally trained in the HD Brows service. When searching for HD Brows in the local area on Google, I realised a few of the salons suggested aren’t actually registered on the HD Brows website). The thing I liked best about my visit to Serendipity Beauty was the way my treatment wasn’t rushed into, I was sat down as she looked at my eyebrows and asked me what kind of shape I wanted and offered advice on what colour to tint my brows but said everything was entirely up to me. This made the treatment feel really personal, and I felt content that I’d get a shape and colour I was happy with. I asked for a slight arch in my brows, but explained I didn’t want them too thin or to look un-
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natural. I took one look at the beauticians brows, noticed how perfect they were and said “just make them look like yours please!â€?. My brows were brushed, threaded, waxed, plucked, tinted and had make-up applied to them. I have really sensitive skin, and have even bled from waxing before, yet with the HD Brows products and all the waxing and threading at Serendipity Beauty I experienced no pain what so ever, the treatment was so gentle it was actually relaxing. I was shown my eyebrows at every stage so I could check I was happy with the way they were turning out and although they were looking perfect, had there been anything I was unhappy with I would have felt comfortable around Sam to say so. The treatment takes around 45 minutes, which seems like a long time, but the treatment is carried out with such care and accuracy that it’s more than worth it. The difference after my brows were finished was incredible, and even now two weeks later the tint has only just begun to fade. I am also finding them really easy to manage and pencil in and shape myself - only a few stray hairs have needed to be plucked in the past two weeks too. The retail price for the HD Brows treatment at many other salons is Jesmond is ÂŁ35, whereas Serendipity Beauty charges ÂŁ25. As there was 50% off in January, I got my incredible professional treatment for an absolute steal at ÂŁ12.50. I would definitely be prepared to pay full price for this treatment again next time my brows are ready for some TLC. I can’t wait to take advantage of the half price on all waxing offer that runs every Wednesday. Search ‘Serendipity Beauty’ on Facebook to stay up to date with all the latest offers which are student friendly prices, but offer a professional, second-tonone standard.
;949+& Using Real Techniques’ blush brush I apply Two Faced’s Chocolate Soleil under my cheek bone from above my ear to mid cheek. I also sweep some over my ears to avoid any obvious colour change being visible. This gives me the perfect contour. Then, using a real techniques powder brush, I apply Nars ‘Orgasm’ blush to the apples of my cheeks.
5*#0$8$%&9:0 After applying Benefit ‘They’re Real’ mascara, a step I recommend is using a clean mascara wand you can pick up from any MAC counter to brush through your eyelashes to give them a natural look and remove any clumps. I then complete the look by brushing my brows, with the same wand, in an upward and outward motion.
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Monday 23 February 2015
The Courier
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field-recording workshop with Jez Riley French this February led me to ponder further on the place of sound art within an art gallery. Based in Hull, French’s sound work ranges from recordings of telephone wires, hidden spaces under bridges, ‘telefericas’ in Italy and the sound of the Tate Modern. Sound art (though this categorical term and position within a visual fine arts context is disputed) has long been around; Luigi Russolo in 1913 wrote the manifesto ‘The Art Of Noises’. Here rebuking a classical orchestra’s limitations: “Musical sound is too limited in its qualitative variety of tones …. This limited circle of pure sounds must be broken, and the infinite variety of ‘NoiseSound’ conquered … we find far more enjoyment in the combination of the noises of trams, backfiring motors, carriages and bawling crowds than in rehearsing the ‘Eroica’ [Beethoven] for example.” Today ‘sound art’ seems to be a problematic term, covering soundscapes that could take a more specific name of noise music, live-coded electronic music and/or lyrical. Field recording in particular is typically seen to be limited to the cliché birdsong or whale-song – the sounds of ‘nature’ for example – but as French said rightly ‘we are nature’ and humans tend to be good at eternalising what ‘nature’ is.
“Today ‘sound art’ seems to be a problematic term”
Using a range of contact microphones and hydrophones (mics that record vibrational activities in water, which we otherwise wouldn’t be able to hear due to a human devolution in listening ability), we recorded the sounds and textures of materials and other naturally occurring movement. Needing a certain level of imagination, it is sometimes difficult to spot an opportunity or site where you think the sound may be more exciting than what can be heard with a naked ear; lets just say I think I got a lot of recordings of wind. In terms of site-specificity, an insightful text that examines artists’ use of sites – whether that be a field, gallery space or public space – is Miwon Kwon’s essay ‘One Place After Another’ highlighting the instability of the ‘site’ as a place. I mention this as our one-day of field recording became a mini-bus tour of the North-East’s coast; St Mary’s and Northumberland (plus a fish and chip shop) so ‘site’ became almost a blur, and instead matter, objects and the air became what we recorded from. When these sounds enter the gallery through whatever means desired, they become a non-site. ‘Non-site’ a term coined my Robert Smithson was the description given to his works where the earth was brought indoors from an outside site and everything else that surrounded it is removed. Sound art is a fixing of something ephemeral or unheard (this would not be the case for live or performed sound) and like many I think it becomes interesting to listen retrospectively to an environment of the new, but a point which French highlights is the need for technical equipment to be of high quality – the gallery have certainly adapted to video art but with sound it seems to be an after thought. When galleries come to invest in sound art and the equipment/expertise it no doubt needs then I think it can be more widely appreciated as an art form and the ‘art/music’ dispute will become redundant, as there would be less friction between the art and the gallery setting. Image: Holly Argent
ast Tuesday, arguably one of the most surprising literary events of all time occurred. That evening HarperCollins broke the news that, against all odds, Harper Lee was releasing a sequel to her incredibly popular 1960 novel, To Kill A Mockingbird. It’s difficult to convey the magnitude of this announcement. After the incredible success of Mockingbird, Lee was understandably plagued with questions about her future writing plans. In true character for this gifted author, her most famous response is succinct and humble: in 2011, she told a close friend, “I have said what I wanted to say and I will not say it again.” And now, despite Lee’s seemingly unrelenting stance, Mockingbird’s sequel Go Set A Watchman is set to be realised on the 14th of July. Considered by many to be a ‘recluse’ of sorts, Lee’s apparent reservations about being published, and so facing the public eye once again, have meant that the Watchman announcement has been met with surprise and uncertainty from many. I can’t help but feel that the strength of this response is at times unwarranted. I can understand completely that, when the facts are considered, it’s easy to experience feelings of misgiving. The Watchman manuscript, written by Lee before she turned to Mockingbird, was discovered in September by her lawyer, Tonja Carter. Its 88 year-old author is, admittedly, currently in an assisted living situation, and is partially blind, as a consequence of macular degeneration. When these facts, combined with the knowledge that Lee’s devoted sister died recently, are considered, it is easy to envisage a scenario where a befuddled old author is manipulated into unknowingly signing off on a publication that she doesn’t truly want to see the light of day. However, when you look
at the whole, complex story of Watchman’s release, this line of thought starts to seem more than a little lazy.
“Websites are simply getting easy page views through attention-grabbing ‘the sky is falling’-type headlines”
That Tuesday, when I discovered the news about the discovery of the Watchman manuscript, it wasn’t through an online article giving me the news first-hand: it was an immediately suspicious response to the announcement, questioning Lee’s lucidity. This says a lot about the sheer volume of scepticism the Watchman announcement immediately encountered online. I’ve been struck over the last few days regarding cynicism embedded in a large amount of stories covering Watchman. Katy Waldman’s Slate article, whose headline pleads ‘Don’t Publish Harper Lee’s New Novel, HarperCollins’, reflects the majority of online news outlets’ typically dramatic reaction the story. It seems to me that these websites are simply getting easy page views through such attention-grabbing, ‘the sky is falling’-type headlines. When you look at far more measured articles than Waldman’s, which actually talk to people who personally know Lee, a far less fantastic version of events emerges. In a far less sensational article than some of their contemporaries produced, The Guardian spoke to Andrew Nurnberg, Lee’s foreign-rights agent. Nunberg clearly denies the popular perception that Tonja Carter (Lee’s lawyer) coerced Lee into
releasing Watchman: “If Nelle [Harper] had said she didn’t want it published, [Carter] would have said, OK, we won’t publish… Tonja is devoted to that family, to Nelle and to Miss Alice. She visits her every day.” Here, as in some of the other coverage, the actual facts are made clear. It is partly HarperCollins’ fault that their announcement garnered such a strong reaction: their press release is, unhelpfully, lacking in significant details. However, it’s no excuse for the media to create an overblown, potentially damaging version of the events that have unfolded since September. In taking such a slant, the only two parties that genuinely matter concerning this publication are harmed. The well-deserved success of Lee’s latest publication is in danger of being tainted: the author is said to be ‘extremely hurt’ by the media’s claims. Equally, her readership must be considered: we should be able to enjoy the gift of another Harper Lee novel, free from the fabricated claims that it goes against the author’s wishes to do so.
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illie Kleiman, a true Geordie through and through, treated me to a friendly phone interview which made me want to come and see her show A Lyrical Dance Concert far more than the press release did. I dialled the phone with hesitation as my initial thoughts on the show were sceptical, having heard of a few shows similar to this which seemed cheesy and crass. However, she had me at ‘hello’. After a bit of initial chit-chat, I began to ask Gillie about her history and her relationship with the show. Gillie met her performance partner Sara
Lindström in France amongst, explained with a reminiscent tone, ‘beautiful gardens over a coffee’. Sara and Gillie got chatting and eventually started musing over the subject of acting out lyrics to a song, you know, as you do when ‘I Will Always Love You’ blasts out the radio; you just cant stop yourself flinging your arms around your nearest pal. After delving into the topic a little deeper, they figured...why not make this into something? The idea for the show developed over the course of 10 days, so, like the nature of the production, it was a quickfire process.
So, the blossoming relationship and animated ideas between Gillie and Sara not only created a friendship but a blueprint for an innovative production which would tour the country. The first showing previewed in Mansfield back in 2013 after the Arts Council approved their funding and rehearsals were complete. The show itself consists of a framework, not a script, explained Gillie. Gillie and Sara, the only two performers in the show, know a series of songs which they will use at certain moments in the show but, due to the show having no script, each performance is different every time. For example, there is a moment when “[Gillie] falls in love with an audience member”. This will always happen, however, the outcome is varies hugely. Rumour has it that bums were once grabbed. I asked Gillie whether performing seemed like a ‘job’. Gillie expressed how over the moon she is that this is her career; she is lucky enough to love what she does. Following from an undergraduate degree in Dance and a Masters in Performance and Creative Research, this was a natural path for Gillie, which her talent and experience helped her to achieve. However fun her job is, she also assured me, like anything, that is extremely hard work. Often precarious, Gillie talks about the hardships of her career: funding is not always guaranteed, travel is frustrating and setting up is a pain. However, she gets to meet the people, perform in some amazing intimate venues and have a laugh. That’s the dream. Compared to French and Saunders, Gillie and Sara would be a shame to miss. It began with discovering “what a double act could be on stage” and learning about the show along the way. It is very much a “learning by doing” situation, which we both agreed made the whole experience even more exciting. Finally described as “politically silly” and “meaningful” the show is on at Northern Stage from 24th Feb-25th 2015. Don’t miss out, it will be an absolute ball.
The Courier
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ollowing a macabre plot, Newcastle University’s Theatre Society brings you the eccentric Addams Family; the twisted tale of a dysfunctional family of seven. With themes including death, decay, lamentation and love, this gripping horror is sure to have you recoiling back into the comfort of your seats. Focusing on the female protagonist, Wendy, Charles Addams’ nightmarish narrative is turned into a romantic tale of young love and affection and despite all attempts of Wendy’s family to reunite her with their strange fondness of death, Wendy represents the ‘teen angst’ figure, depressed and hormonal, praying her life will get more ‘normal’. Despite our prejudice belief at how villainous this family is going to be, their intentions within the play are said to be far from evil and despite their dysfunctionality they are a close-knit lot. Adapted from the TV series of 1964-66, NUTS’ updated production is bound to be thrilling and I’m excited to see how different characters will be enacted in the show, particularly Cousin It. Reminiscent of Tim Burton’s early films, this bizarre fictional world of psychologically compelling imagination combines human fears with a touch of sanity and is certain to toss the audience into unknown territory. It is the audience’s choice, however, whether to engage with these unconventional scenarios, or instead avert the eye and hide behind the shield of our current reality, unable to accept the characters’ uncanny natures and unnatural ways of life. Becka Crawshaw
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et in post-WW2 Germany, The People’s Theatre’s production of Taking Sides follows the true story of celebrated conductor, Wilhelm Furtwangler, as he is interrogated by American forces for Nazi involvement – in a time of fear, uncertainty and finger pointing. Set against the backdrop of broken Berlin, ruthless and self-proclaimed culture-phobe US Major Steven Arnold endeavours to prove Furtwangler guilty of Nazi collaboration. Enlisting the help of young Lieutenant Wills and secretary, Emmi, Arnold conducts the investigation with a furious yet cold determination. Unimpressed by Furtwangler’s claims of patriotism and devotion to the arts and unconvinced by tales of his genius, Arnold delves through the years of rumours circulating the composer - determined to find proof of his guilt. Steve Robertson’s performance as Major Arnold is captivating, perfectly embodying an unpredictable character who is larger-than-life, hot-headed and haunted by his past. This is complimented by Kevin Gibson’s cool and dignified portrayal of conductor Wilhelm Furtwangler. Highly intense and uncomfortable at times, the play asks the audience to consider the roles of art and politics, power over free will and patriotism over personal gain. Smatterings of dark humour are scattered throughout the play, building nicely upon the tense atmosphere which steadily inclines as the scenes unfold. Staged in the Studio of The People’s Theatre, the venue is small and intimate, only adding to the intensity of the performance. In times of fear which are unimaginable to a modern audience, Taking Sides begs the question: ‘What would I have done in that situation?’ For me, and for many others, the answer was unsettlingly unclear - demonstrating that in the case of choosing the right side, nothing is ever as straightforward as it seems. Emily Jeffrey
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n the 24th February, Newcastle University Theatre Society is bringing Maxwell Anderson’s 1954 play The Bad Seed to the Theatre Royal. An adaptation of William March’s novel of the same name, the play has been extremely successful on Broadway, while the film edition was nominated for an Academy Award. A chilling tale of an extremely charismatic eight-year-old, Rhoda Penmark manipulates people to get her own way almost all of the time. No one ever sees through Rhoda’s charming facade until one of her classmates, Claude Daigle, mysteriously goes missing and drowns after winning a prize Rhoda thought was destined for her. Suspicions begin to rise in the little girl’s mother, Christine, who believes Rhoda may have had something to do with the boy’s death.
“A chilling tale of a charismatic eight-year-old”
As Christine looks further into the case, she discovers Claude’s prize hidden in Rhoda’s room. Gradually, a series of revelations surface about Rhoda’s deceitful past, and Christine begins to believe that Rhoda could be responsible for a number of sudden deaths surrounding the family. As the truth is revealed, Rhoda’s frontage as the ideal daughter dissolves; she is the ‘bad seed’ of the family. Yet, could Rhoda’s merciless actions have something to do with Christine’s own past? The fast paced thrills of The Bad Seed are sure to have audience members om the edge of their seat throughout.
I
kid you not, food art and sculptures are an increasingly popular art form and the work of some artists are an absolute must-see. Renaissance artist Giuseppe Arcimboldo was the first to construct food-inspired works of art. Whilst he did not use actually food to construct his pieces, he painted a mosaic of a man, for example, with a cucumber for a nose, a peach for a cheek and corn as his ear… you get the picture. This was surrealist art well before the surrealist movement began and it inspired an art form which has exploded in the last half-century. Jim Victor, one of my favourite artists who works with food, uses butter to construct his sculptures. It must be slightly inconvenient, however, that they have to be kept refrigerated at all times… If you’ve got more of a sweet-tooth, you need to check out the creations that emerge from Zhanna’s Bakery in St. Petersburg, Russia, where they manage to make cake into treasure chests, hair dryers and an open shoe-box filled with toy cars and a burger. If you didn’t know it was cake, you wouldn’t try and bite into these beautiful sculptures.
“This is surrealist art well before the surrealist movement began and it inspired an art form which has exploded in the last half-century”
Lauren Exell
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ast week saw a flurry of exciting exhibitions escape the Fine Art department. Fourth years Ruth Pickering, Matt Antoniak and Max Lee’s show, Good Grief, at Bridge & Tunnel fell nothing short of stunning. Beautiful on the surface, the work carried darker undertones; Matt’s large-scale charcoal renderings of road-side flowers complemented Max’s tiny, intricate oils of a failed utopia. The use of light in Ruth’s delicate watercolours caught the edges of unknown spaces and off-set beautifully with the rest of the room. Individually, the works were intriguing, together they spoke of loss and were entirely compelling. Fine Art’s budding first years took over the department with Narrative, an example of the type of work produced in little over one semester. The exhibition incorporated an incredibly wide range of mediums, proving both engaging and absorbing. Watch this space, these guys have really got something. Pop Up in the PH Space at the Newbridge Project saw a second fourth year show. There is a real relationship to be found in the work exhibited by Mackie Hayden-Cook, Ash Howland-Davenport and Matt Wilkinson. The work appeared at first faintly comic, but look beyond Mackie’s sleek, shiny black and gold façade, Ash’s enchanting, playful installation and Matt’s wonderful use of humour and language and the viewer can not help but feel the unease and vulnerability instilled in the work. It was a happy accident that saw our freshers showcase their work the same week as two superbly resolved exhibitions from Final Year students. It was a week that plotted the development of artistic ideas grown and honed in the department into three inspiring shows. Charlotte Valetta
Prudence Emma Staite, on the other hand, works mainly with chocolate. I’m amazed any woman has the willpower to do anything with chocolate but eat it, but I’m glad she resists because the sculptures she creates are truly beautiful. She is a contemporary artist who wants people to experience art with all of their senses so has created jewellery, paintings, games and even entire rooms from chocolate. If you’re more of a health-freak and the idea of all this lard is pushing you over the edge, never fear – fruit and veggies are also frequently used in food art. James Parker of Veggy Art – http://veggyart. com/ - makes stunning fruit and vegetable sculptures and carves melons into table centrepieces. Tamás Balla’s work, which also involves fruit, is less about beauty and to be honest simply quite creepy. Melons and apples are carved like pumpkins at Halloween with grotesque mouths and horrified expressions – it’s incredible, but maybe not art work which you’d display in your house. Whilst the food art I’ve mentioned so far is grand and impressive in its size and scale, and possibly not anything you would regard as beautiful, my last artist produces art which is the absolute opposite to that of the others. Christel Assante is a French artist who carves egg shells into stunning miniature sculptures and places a tiny lightbulb inside to light it from the inside. Quail’s egg shells are transformed into an owl flying through a wood, a boat bobbing on the sea, the face of a beautiful woman. Each egg takes her 4-5 days to complete and is stunningly intricate. So there you have it. Regardless of what your mum used to say, sometimes it is okay to play with your food.
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Monday 23 February 2015
The Courier
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’ll be the first to admit that a career in dancing was never going to be an option for me, I look more like the Whacky Inflatable Tube Man when I really get going, which is why I live this little fantasy out through film. The lead character in Step Up 2: The Streets, Andie, more or less epitomises the sort of dancer I wish I could be. She has rhythm, sex appeal, sass and ass. This is one girl who knows how to move and her dancing skills are shown off so expertly in Step Up 2 that she more than makes up for a sort of lacklustre plot. The story is essentially your classic Posh meets Poor, they want to get it on but face opposition from pretty much everyone, only to finally hit it off in the closing scenes. It’s a tried and tested formula that seems to hook audiences over and over, but the difference with this film is the extra dancing. It’s as much about the slick moves and following your own dreams, as it is about falling in love (or lust if the sexual chemistry is anything to go by). When Andie starts an elite dancing school on a scholarship, she struggles to fit in with the other rich kids in her class and finds solace with a guy called Moose (I don’t know either), who encourages her to keep doing her. She gets kicked out of her dance crew because of trying to better herself and so she starts a crew of her own in order to compete in the infamous The Streets competition. With the help of Moose she finds all the other misfits in the school, all of whom of course turn out to be the best dancers going. In the face of a bitter rivalry, when Andie’s old crew try to stop her competing she gives out the message every clichéd film requires: you’ve forgotten who you are and what life means.
“A street-dance epic in the rain, aided by people who’d obviously just been on Pimp My Ride and had massive sound systems in their car boots”
So, she takes The Streets out onto the streets, where it started and so follows my favourite scene. A sexually-charged street-dance epic in the pouring rain, aided by people who had obviously just been on Pimp My Ride and finally had a chance to use the massive sound system built into their car boots. The heavily hip hopflavoured sound track features greats such as Missy Elliott, Dr Dre and Cassie, as well as other guilty pleasures like Justin Timberlake and Enrique Iglesias, so there’s never a dull moment. This film is labelled as a sequel to Step Up, where Channing Tatum was first noticed in all his rugged glory, but the only continuation is a small cameo from his character at the start, so this film should be taken on its own merit. So if you need some inspiration for your next night out, or there’s nothing else on, it’s definitely worth a watch next time it’s on ITV3. Tessa Jones
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I
t may seem like American Sniper, Clint Eastwood’s latest box-office smash, is primarily a character study, set in the midst of the Iraq War while not necessarily being about it. That’s certainly how it’s seen by both the director and Bradley Cooper anyway, who claim it’s all about Chris Kyle, a Navy SEAL sniper who happened to rack up 255 kills whilst protecting his brothersin-arms. But can this really be possible? Can you really isolate a single soldier’s story and simply shake off the war in which it took place? As much as I found the film enjoyable (if somewhat lacking in subtlety at times), I often felt uneasy about how it portrayed the Iraq insurgents. The use of a visually un-American enemy sniper named Mustafah is a standard trope from a director who seems unable to think in anything but binaries. The sniper’s dark combat gear and menacing stubble set him in clear opposition to our hero, who dons a trusty SEALS uniform and affable beard. If the saying, ‘an enemy is only someone whose story you have not yet heard’ has any truth, then there’s little trouble of that happening,
because Mustafah doesn’t get one line of dialogue. This brings me to my main issue with the film: it slaps a clear-cut narrative on a war that distinctively lacked one. Whereas other movies such as Kubrick’s Full Metal Jacket also focus on the story of a single soldier, the narrative of that film ultimately gives way to the chaos and unrealisable goals of the war in which in took place. Yet American Sniper refuses to do this; there is unmistakable evil to be fought throughout. While other the soldiers’ crass behaviour sometimes call into question the morality of the violence inflicted upon Iraq, Eastwood is careful to present Chris Kyle as the image of a brave, relentlessly modest American man. Conveniently, there is no mention of why the US soldiers were at war in Iraq in the first place. Somehow I
think you might struggle with the production and release of that film. Yet there are shots of an awestricken Kyle watching footage of 9/11, followed by images of the US invasion, as though those two events actually bore any significance to each other. 4425 US soldiers died
in Iraq, and at least 133,000 Iraqi civilians died also (although that figure in itself is a massive underestimation). Yet the film manages to make the US troops look constantly under-siege. While I admit that US troops did later struggle against counterattacks, to show it as such a one-sided battle is just wilful misrepresentation.
“The use of a visually un-American enemy sniper named Mustafah is a standard trope from a director who seems unable to think in anything but binaries”
The shooting of Christ Kyle by a 25-year-old-veteran suffering from PTSD - an event which I didn’t even know about prior to watching the movie - is then completely left out of the movie, as though this scene is just too traumatic to be shown, while an earlier scene of an Iraqi child being drilled through the head is a necessary on-screen climax. This really sums up what’s wrong with the film on a political level. It’s an undoubtedly American - stripped of nuance, focused on the bravery of the common man and comfortably ignorant of any wider contexts.
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o when we were younger it was Peter Pan, The Rescuers Down Under (anyone remember that one?) and of course all the princesses; but now the faces of animation are changing. Tangled came out on November 24th 2010, if anyone can believe it was that long ago, and seems to be the pioneering step in this new found love of animated films, and an instant classic. It was innovative in the character of Flynn Ryder as he is now renowned for being one of the first Disney characters to ever question ‘Why is everyone singing?’ and quickly won a place in our hearts. We must also remember how good a year 2010 was for animation as Toy Story 3 sent everyone from age dot to the elderly to the cinema to catch up with Woody and the gang, and for those missing the characters we all grew up with, Toy Story 4 is in the production line and is set for 2017. Just to make everyone feel old, Toy Story came out in 1995. From Tangled we then had to wait for almost two years until another ground breaking animation hit our screens with Brave in June of 2012. This was again said to break tradition, with the main character, Merida, not wanting to marry a prince but to be free and independent. This coupled with the list of stars including Billy Connolly, Emma Thompson, Julie Walters and Robbie Coltrane meant that its audience didn’t just comprise young girls and unwilling parents. It also sparked the debate, ‘which is better, Brave or Tangled?’ ?’, among old and young alike. Soon after Brave came Wreck it Ralph,, this film was also praised for its diverse audience, but had none of the mania which came from Walt Disney Animation Studios next biggest film in November of 2013: Frozen. Even when it first hit screens in November of 2013 the popularity of this film was above what even the creator had anticipated; but the ‘Wicked-esque’ music (including the original Elphaba, Idina Menzel, as Elsa) and heart-melting side kick Olaf – the snowman
who can’t wait for summer – meant that it was an instant success. In fact ‘Let It Go’, the favourite song of the film spent a full 18 weeks in the top 40 and the soundtrack album was number 1 in the US for 10 weeks. Since then it has only grown in popularity and will be a classic film to all of this generation. A film hitting cinemas now is the Shaun the Sheep Movie, reviving the styling of Wallace and Gromit’s
stop-motion animation of Nick Park. The first Wallace and Gromit film A Grand Day Out premiered on Christmas Eve 1990, followed three years later by old favourite The Wr o n g Trousers and will be classics for many years to come. Wa l l a c e and Gromit also first introduced Shaun to us, but since he has had his own show on CBBC and won the hearts of this generation of children, and that of course means his own feature length film, much like Wallace and Gromit’s 2005 Curse of the Were Rabbit Rabbit. Reasons as to why cinema is reverting to these animated films, which bring back our childhood to us in glorious technicolour, are in debate. Cynics claim that it is because we have run out of original ideas, but others suggest that as technology improves these films will become even more popular. All I can say is keep them coming.
The Courier
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Monday 23 February 2015
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‘In case I don’t see ya, good afternoon, good evening and goodnight!’ - The Truman Show (1998)
50 Shades of Grey (18)
What did you expect going into the cinema? David Leighton, Film Editor: The worst. I expected a shitty script, shitty acting and shitty ‘sexy’ quotes lifted from the book – to that end I was not disappointed. I also expected an audience completely sucked in by the power of the films’ advertising power but was glad to find more people were going to see it for comic relief rather than serious drama. Rosie Bellini, Film Editor: After seeing too many reviews describe this film as punishingly dull - the Downton Abbey of bondage - and dubbing said Mr. Grey as having the same acting capacity of a Lego figurine, I can’t say I was expecting very much. Well, apart from plenty of scenes of a sexual nature. George Smith, Online Film Editor: Dick. A lot of dick. Dicks sprouting like throbbing purple trees as far as the eye can see. Making the mistake of reading reviews before hand, I assumed it was going to be a shit fest with porn-quality acting and dialogue the likes of which is trawled from the drawings of school children with crayons in their brains. How did you feel about the film’s representation of an abusive relationship? DL: Christian Grey is a man of power – a handsome millionaire and a dominant. I was entirely unsurprised to see him flaunting that power to the extreme, turning up to Ana’s house uninvited, demanding her complicity in every aspect of her life
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“Porn for your auntie, and everybody’s auntie needs a bit of porn”
GS: ‘Abusive’ is a tricky term when applied to BDSM relationships. Physically (floggings, nipple clamps and oh-so-many awkward trips to the American equivalent of Homebase) I actually thought it was a little light. Case in point: no dick. The emotional ‘abuse’ I found disturbing. Dakota Johnson being so weak and emotionally at his will
American Sniper (15)
Big Hero 6 (PG)
was painful to watch. Would you recommend going to see 50 Shades? DL: Yes. If only so you can comment on it. Despite being about an abusive relationship and having a myriad of problems in terms of script, casting and (basically) everything, it is still the first film your mum is going to go and see at the cinema because it covers the popularisation of sex in mainstream media. 50 Shades is porn for your auntie, and that’s great – everybody’s auntie needs a bit of porn. RB: No dicks, so it’s a no from me. GS: Yes, absolutely. Don’t take it too seriously and don’t go alone. When I strayed from the herd I went with, I got some very unexpected judgemental looks because a single man cannot go alone to watch a sexual movie, apparently. It’s a great communal experience, even if it isn’t a great movie. More like this: 9 1/2 Weeks (1986)
Shaun The Sheep (U)
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On the surface, Jenny is a top gal. Forrest’s childhood best friend, she defends him against bullies, takes his virginity, and even marries him (eventually). She’s nice. But it’s easy to forget all the shitty things she does to him throughout the film. Okay, she’s pretty messed up, she had a shitty childhood, and that’s awful. But what sort of person denies a marriage proposal, changes her mind, declares her love and has sex with him, then leaves him brokenhearted the next morning for no apparent reason? And then she gives birth to his child, also named Forrest, and keeps him completely secret until a visit many years later. WHO DOES THAT? Come on Jenny. Girlfriend rating: She makes some pretty terrible decisions, but at least she has reasons for acting so erratically. 5/10.
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n the latest war memoir, Clint Eastwood’s American Sniper, a biopic and adaptation of Chris Kyle’s autobiography of the same name, we follow the life of Chris Kyle (Bradley Cooper), a United States Navy SEAL and reportedly the most lethal sniper in US military history with over 160 confirmed kills (the total may have exceeded this as the military only counts ‘confirmed’ as those with a witness). Eastwood’s direction offers an extreme close up on Kyle’s experience of war and the gritty reality of his days spent lying on his stomach picking off the ‘bad guys’. Although dubbed the ‘legend’, Eastwood does not glorify Kyle’s actions in the war. Yes, he was an extremely skilled and brave SEAL, but it was a job, not one relished but one done to save the lives of the marines surrounding him. Eastwood’s sequencing is breathtaking, he knows just what to include and discard. Its simplicity is beautiful. The cynics may lash out at the absence of an opinion on the war, and the lack of moral stance; whilst Kyle’s friends cheer at his successful kills we see Kyle’s silent processing of the sacrifices that have to be made in war. Cooper’s depiction of the increasing fragmentation of Kyle’s life at war and that at home alongside his wife Taya (Sienna Miller), a departure from his usual comic roles, is transfixing to watch. It might be easy to lapse into thinking that such a compelling story has been overly dramatized from reality, yet the ending jerks you back to recall the sacrifices made even after the war has ended. Though some may bicker over whether the film was a propaganda movie, or whether it’s right to glamorise Kyle’s kill record with the film’s portrayal of him as an American hero, in the end, Eastwood still manages to provide a phenomenal insight into an amazing personal story of the sacrifices of war. More like this: The Lone Ranger (2013) Rebecca Dooley
B
ig Hero 6 follows the story of Hiro, a robotics whizz kid who’s addicted to the black market of robot fighting. This is until his brother shows him the wonderful world of university, and his own robot, Baymax - the inflated condom from all the adverts. His brother wants him to use his genius to help people other than himself, and this is literally all I can say without ruining any of the plot. The pacing of the narrative is really fast. The story gets going really quickly, and even though it tends to go through some of the ‘coming-of-age’ clichés we’ve seen before, it doesn’t stay on them for more than a few minutes. Outside of the story, the great thing about Big Hero 6 is its animation. Every shot is fun and exciting, the design of the robots are inventive, the locations are colourful and busy there’s almost too much to look at. The downsides to this flick aren’t colossal, but worth mentioning. The story is set in ‘San Fransokyo’ - which is essentially San Francisco if everyone spoke Japanese. I assume this is an homage to the cyberpunk world that Blade Runner made famous, but Tokyo would have worked just as well and made for some more creative scenery. The second problem is the antagonist. It’s fairly obvious who the bad guy is from the beginning despite Disney’s ‘big twist’ ending, and this prevents the audience being really invested in the plight of the protagonists. On the whole Big Hero 6 surpassed my expectations, but that was only because my expectations were so low to begin with due to the vagueness of the trailer. The humour is fairly quick and there’s more than enough laughs, the story will keep your attention for an hour and a half, but really it’s the animation that sets this film apart. It’s worth watching, but there’s no reason not to wait for its DVD release. More like this: Wreck-it Ralph (2012) Rebecca Harrison
A
ardman has become a by-word for quality and sweetly-natured whimsy since it started up over 30 years ago, its name practically a kitemark of quality (we’ll just blame Flushed Away on Dreamworks for now shall we?). The extended life of Shaun the Sheep, who first appeared in Wallace and Gromit’s A Close Shave, is a case in point. Having made a home on CBBC he’s now, after a bungled attempt to wangle a day off from the drudgeries of farm life, headed to the big city to save his farmer from a very severe attack of amnesia and a surprisingly successful second career as an edgy barber. If the set-up sounds a bit familiar, that’s because it’s roughly what happens in Babe 2: Pig in the City, the rightly ignored talking pig sequel. However, Shaun the Sheep dodges Babe 2’s shitness by retaining the easy-going charm of the TV series and augmenting it by teasing out a lot of emotional mileage in the relationship between Shaun and his ovine associates and their former antagonists, the farmer and his dog. There are some sharp prison film pastiches thrown in during a jaunt to the animal control centre, and while it never gets dark - it’s not nearly pretentious enough a film for that nonsense - the intensity of emotion wrung from this dried up husk of a critic by a gang of plasticine sheep was unexpected, and the denouement ended up being weirdly moving. Admittedly, it’s not exactly on the same level of emotional gut-punching as Up, but it certainly made me care far more than I thought I would. While Shaun the Sheep isn’t up there with the Wallace and Gromit films he sprang from, its charming demeanour and refusal to take itself seriously makes this another feather in the Aardman cap. The leap from seven minute episodes to an 85-minute feature never feels like it is too big a leap for Shaun and his mates. More like this: Wall-E (2008) Tom Nicholson
Because who doesn’t want a boyfriend who watches you sleep and wants to murder you to drain your blood every second of the day? And let’s not forget he’s 109 years old. That’s 1-0-9: a full 90 years older than Bella. Weird, freaky, dangerous vampire sex aside – it’s an odd one. Just because he doesn’t look it – that’s the only slight redeeming factor here – doesn’t mean that it’s okay for someone that age to prey (in more ways than one) on high school kids. Oh, and their spawn manages to break pretty much every bone in Bella’s body, literally eating its way out of the womb. Maybe it’s just me, but I think Bella’s getting a pretty terrible deal with Edward here. Boyfriend rating: Although it tends to be his fault she finds herself in so many sticky situations, at least he saves her, and the miserable pair do seem made for one another. 3/10.
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This one’s a no-brainer. The American Psycho character is such a terrible fiancé that I’m not sure many viewers even noticed he’s engaged to Reese Witherspoon’s character. And even in the brief exchanges between the two, he’s an absolute tool. For instance, when his “supposed fiancé” keeps “buzzing in his ear” while he’s trying to listen to the new Robert Palmer tape. How dare she discuss wedding plans at such an important time?! If Bateman’s painful indifference toward her were not enough, he’s also sleeping with her friend on the side, as well as numerous prostitutes. Many of which he gruesomely murders, along with a few workmates just for good measure. Even Christian Bale’s insane physique can’t get him out of this one. Boyfriend rating: Has to be a big, fat 0/10. Sorry Pat.
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Monday 23 February 2015
The Courier
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A.*".//%/.4!'%*'-%*+5.4'#&0* -B44#"!&%*'-!'*#+*C'!&*D!(;%4'*'-#+* ,%%@6%*)+32/%0$)!1*2-$#3$4* -!+*"4%!'%$*'-%*B('#/!'%*,45&% $4#&@#&0*0!/%*3.4*).B4*!(".-.(#"* 5(%!+B4% You will need: - Football fans - Your own drink - A TV Licence (LOL whatever) 1. If Robbie Savage tries to engage other pundits in some classic #bantz, anyone who so much as smirks at his idiocy must down their drink. 2. When Branislav Ivanovic comes onto the screen, the last one to shout “HE’S GOT A MASSIVE ARSE” must drink three fingers. 3. When Gary Lineker does one of his smoother-than-silk segues with a wry little joke at the end, the first person to say, “Shut up Gary, you had a shit on the pitch at Italia ‘90 you big idiot” can hand out three fingers to other players of their choosing. 4. Every time a topless Geordie man is shown, drink for as long as he is on the screen for. 5. Every time John Motson sounds like he’s just been shaken awake and told his house is on fire, drink one finger. 6. If Burnley appear in their silver kit, the last person to shout “MITHRIL” in a passable Gimli accent must drink three fingers. 7. Drink one finger every time a pundit suggests a player will be “disappointed with that”. 8. When Robbie Savage realises he’s losing an argument and resorts to shouting Welshly or making a joke about his hair, drink 3 fingers. 9. Every time Jonathan Pearce says something which wouldn’t sound out of place on Robot Wars, drink two fingers. 10. When Olivier Giroud appears on screen, the last person to shout “Sexy French bastard” must drink trois doigts. 11. If Kevin Kilbane comes close to giving the impression of being a semi-sentient human being, drink a pint of petrol and set yourself on fire.
Gerrard reaches for the booze big fan of our drinking game
I
never get the chance to watch television. I’m barely in the house and when I am I’m normally so hungover the thought of moving image is enough to make me gouge out my own eyes and batter my head off the wall. Or less dramatically, I’m just tired and in need of bed. Daytime television is a mystery to me. So imagine my shock and surprise when I was up early enough to catch some of the latest antics on ITV stalwart This Morning.
“Of course, it would be no good to just describe the guy’s penis, so in kindness to the viewers we were actually given images of his giant cock”
While the closest to any sort of sauce I’ve ever witnessed on This Morning is when some celebrity chef appears and makes some easy to make dish to ‘feed all the family for less’, it sometimes gets heightened when Italian uber-hunk Gino D’Acampo makes an appearance. What I witnessed a few weeks ago opened my eyes to the possibilities of a revolutionised daytime television format that all networks should take note of. I call it ‘mid-
morn porn’. The first example from This Morning was the story about the man with the mega-penis. For those not aware of this story, this was the story of a man who, dissatisfied with the size of his already ample penis, had decided that he wanted to surgically augment his member to gargantuan size, almost akin to that what you might get at a village marrow-growing competition. Of course, it would be no good to just describe the guy’s penis, so in kindness to the viewers we were actually given images of this giant cock. Now I don’t know about you, but I start my day with an espresso, and if I definitely wasn’t awake after my first hit of coffee I was definitely awake after the sight of a humongous dick. Then there was the next episode I caught that introduced me to a concept I never thought I would ever come across: the ‘vajacial’. This was explained to our viewers by an eccentric woman in her mid40s called Lisa, who markets herself as a ‘dating coach’. Lisa recommended putting onion slices inside the vagina, and also ‘steaming’ the lady regions, which to me sounds like a pretty bizarre beauty regime in itself. This was heightened by the fact that Lisa then trotted out seventy-somethingyear-old Abigail, who wanted to rejuvenate her fanny for her thirty-year-old toy boy. Cue an actual live demonstration live on television.
“Perhaps this sexualisation would be the perfect tonic for those grim Monday mornings, and maybe Ben Shephard should present Good Morning Britain wearing a leather harness and jock-strap” While Phillip Schofield looked a little bit awkward at first, that didn’t stop him getting right involved with the sex-toys demonstration a couple of weeks ago. As a preview for Valentine’s day, a sex therapist was showing off some saucy gifts for lovers, and housewife’s choice Pip was getting right amongst it; at one point he had a fucking nipple clamp hanging off his ear. Now, I’m generally pretty sluggish most mornings but each time I caught this morning over recent weeks I was wide awake. Perhaps this sexualisation would be the perfect tonic for those grim Monday mornings and maybe Ben Shephard should present Good Morning Britain wearing a leather harness and jock-strap. I know that’d get me up in the morning, in more ways than one.
The Courier
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am the first to admit that I actually love talent shows, but in recent years, The X Factor has just been a bit too ‘samey’ for my liking. I’ve been bored of it, to put it succinctly, so I was more than happy to try out The Voice when it came on BBC One a couple of years ago. It completely worked. I was hooked from the very first episode. What makes The Voice so engaging is that it completely reinvented the talent show format; The Voice is based purely on that: someone’s voice. The coaches are not judges; they offer constructive feedback and the nice thing about The Voice is that the contestants don’t leave the stage absolutely devastated; they leave with feeling pretty good about themselves. The coaches themselves
are amazingly diverse. Tom Jones brings experience to the table, will.i.am is suitably bonkers but really knows what he’s talking about, Ricky ‘Blue Eyes’ Wilson is the cheeky heart-throb and new coach Rita Ora brings glamour to the proceedings. Aside from all that, all four coaches take it seriously, and provide support for these contestants. It’s really quite nice to see. The entertainment comes from these judges and how different they all are. Who would have thought that a front man of an indie rock band would be bezzies with the ‘You Can Leave Your Hat On’ legend, Tom Jones? Call me silly, but I can’t imagine much of a ‘riot’ on The Voice. I love the blind auditions because they reinvent the audition process. Yes, you still get a bit of the classic ‘sob story’ format, but it’s crucially not as drawn out. The judges aren’t shocked when someone who doesn’t really look like a popstar walks out on stage because the coaches don’t see them until
either they push their button or at the end. It seems a lot fairer; because the quality of the contestants is generally a lot better, you don’t get any of those awkward moments where Simon Cowell can’t stop laughing at some one trying their best, but hitting all of the bum notes. To put it simply, it’s friendlier: even the competition between the judges to get a singer on their team is friendly. The blind auditions are now over and it’s onto the battle rounds. I like the battle rounds because the coaches have to make tough decisions. Their teams will be halved whether they like it or not so the contestants have to fight to make it through. In a good twist, the coaches are allowed a ‘steal’ which means that the best of the rest will be given a second chance. Overall then, The Voice’s Battle Rounds are going to be tough, tragic and probably a little bit dramatic; and I for one cannot wait for them. Helen Daly
Gogglebox
House of Cards
Eastenders Live Week
atching people watch TV? Are you serious?’ is the challenge posed to fans of Channel 4’s quirkiest reality show, when attempting to convert the Goggleboxvirgin. But it is a challenge that I, for one, am happy to undertake. Who would have thought that a show displaying everyday life and interactions, with such a simple and random premise, could be so side-splittingly entertaining? Gogglebox is back for a fifth series of funny reactions, heated debates, bitching, and often alcohol-driven banter over weekly TV highlights. The Michael family are no longer present due to the father’s unfortunate involvement in UKIP candidacy, meaning that we can look forward to a new household being introduced into the Gogglebox family which already consists of some big personalities: bubbly and boisterous best friends, Sandy Channer and Sandra Martin, the latter having added one more to her collection of ‘ringandtings’ as a newly engaged woman; our favourite poshos, Stephanie and Dominic Parker with their impressive stash of liquor, and of course, Gogglebox wouldn’t be complete without playful pensioners, Leon and June Bernicoff, the former of whom we are happy to hear is a whole lot better after a recent health scare. Plus, there’s even a potential of a voice from ‘Silent’ Jay now that he has broken his vow of silence? I personally can’t wait. It is the heart-warming and simultaneously hilarious show that recreates that sense of family you might be missing in your uni life and reminds us that underneath the diversity making up Britain today, we are all the same. Thao Huynh
eturning for its third season, I suspect by this point House of Cards has already divided its audience into two camps. Either you can’t stand the conniving, perfidious nature of the Underwoods and find it difficult to enjoy House of Cards as a result, or you can’t stand the conniving, perfidious nature of the Underwoods and love House of Cards as a result. Brilliantly played by Kevin Spacey, the Whipturned-President Underwood is really an admirably loathsome human being. Unlike Breaking Bad’s Walter White, however, Underwood is an antihero through choice, not circumstance. This is what makes House of Cards so compelling; seeing what, exactly, he and his only slightly less manipulative wife Claire will do in order to get what they want. But with season two ending with at least Frank Underwood seeming to get everything he wanted, the question is whether the creators can find meaningful character motivation to keep audiences engrossed? What can we expect from season three? House of Cards is continuing its contemporary political theme, with a Russian president becoming the big bad enemy that President Underwood must tackle. This could be either a brave or foolish decision; while it offers plenty of ground for political intrigue, it is also uncomfortably close to current events, and American television is not known for its subtlety. However, I don’t doubt that House of Cards will still be pretty damn good; the show has some fantastic actors playing some of the most nuanced characters that television can manage. The show will likely be as good as President Underwood is bad. Let’s see where it takes us. Louis Francis
astEnders celebrated its 30th anniversary this week, and the week’s storylines were certainly worthy of such an occasion. Thursday’s special part-live episode saw Lucy Beale’s murderer being revealed after months of secrets, lies and cover ups. It’s genuinely been a total mystery, the producers have played it cool with this one, nothing has leaked, and no one had given any massive clues as to the identity of the killer. Last week saw one of Walford’s most iconic villains, Nick Cotton, finally bow out of the show and die - unless he hasn’t actually died, again. Cotton was also one of EastEnders’ murder suspects, but with the death of such an iconic character, many people were left wondering who to suspect. As well as Lucy’s murderer being outed, the Beale family saw Ian remarrying ex-wife Jane, with the whole square coming together to witness the Beale family’s life come together and then get torn apart as family secrets were revealed that have changed EastEnders forever, if you’ll excuse the cliché. It was only right that one of the Squares’ longest-standing families has been the central focus of such a massive week. Also worthy of a mention is the fact that matriarch Peggy Mitchell made a very special comeback, though her return had nothing to do with Lucy’s murder. Still, it’s a fitting nod to the show’s past and only right that one of the Square’s most iconic characters steps back into the Queen Vic. I was wrong about who killed Lucy, it was Bobby Beale! I certainly didn’t see that one coming! I reckoned that it would have been Tracey - it’s always the quiet ones. Jack Parker
Channel 4, Friday, 9pm
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Netflix UK, Friday, 7pm
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ometimes, it seems like there aren’t enough hours in the day. Occasionally, a significant percentage of those hours are been spent sleeping, hungover, or scrolling through Tumblr until carpal tunnel syndrome begins to set in – not having time allotted to such activities probably contravenes some kind of basic human right, or will do once the UN finally acknowledges my petition. On a campus still wracked by the fallout of the January exam period, time management is a topic close to the hearts of many. Desperate promises to ‘Get round to it after exams’ have echoed through the Students Union like a Hallelujah chorus through the Vatican. With commitments to friends, family and personal hygiene falling by the wayside, it should hardly be surprising if our TV viewing schedules begin to suffer. Here is where the problem begins: you skip an episode, perhaps two, pleading time constraints (and, during exam season, a general sense of impending doom). The missed episodes begin to pile up. You make a commitment to catching up later, when time is freely available and you can gorge yourself in one glorious marathon session.
“The only thing you’re going to remember about House of Cards now is a vague feeling that Kevin Spacey is not to be trusted with your money, your secrets, or your household pets” With some shows, this isn’t a problem. The 20 minute episodes – Parks and Recreation, The Office – disappear in the blink of an eye, even allowing for buffering time. Minimal commitment required. Others demand more, not just viewing time, but brain power: House of Cards, for example, is a masterpiece, but the DVD box sets should really come with a full complement of cheat sheets, episode summaries and colour-coded spider diagrams. Keeping up with the complex network of alliances, betrayals and revelations can be addictive, but is also perhaps overly taxing in exam time, when many of us are reduced to living off beans on toast and Tesco Value vodka. If an episode is more than 45 minutes long and you’ve missed more than three of them, then it might be time for the faint of heart among you to give up. It’s too late for you. The only thing you’re going to remember about House of Cards now is a vague feeling that Kevin Spacey is not to be trusted with your money, your secrets, or your household pets. Episode summaries can be your friend here, of course, if you’re willing to brave a minefield of spoilers and fan theories to get to them. Or walk away altogether, brave the disappointment of your loved ones and the smug, knowing looks of your fellow fans. Sink into the comforting embrace of Four in a Bed marathons. Or, wait patiently until the season finale hits, and catch up on the sly while the rest of the fandom is still recovering from the withdrawal symptoms.
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The Courier
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8 ] From the immense, grinding bass riff to Sam McTrusty’s heavily accented “I flicked a switch on the generator, so I could turn you on�, ‘Heart and Soul’ builds and builds to a massive, feel good chorus. Gracing gym music channels across the country, this is perhaps an obvious choice, but one which cannot be avoided in the perfect workout playlist.
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A track from one of the most iconic albums in music history, ‘Black Math’ is a short and (not so) sweet musical behemoth to which one cannot help but headbang. This song is quintessential White Stripes; Jack White’s bouncing power chords and squealing improvised solo, driven by Meg White’s pounding drumming render it another absolute must.
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Perhaps psychedelic rock is not known for its workout-inducing qualities, but Tame Impala have certainly mastered this in ‘Elephant’. Cam Avery’s dirty bassline pushes it all forward, whilst Kevin Parker’s pedal-fuelled Rickenbacker has the power to induce a testosterone driven workout frenzy.
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t is no secret that Kanye West pictures himself, Jay-Z and Beyonce as some kind of musical oligarchy. This year’s Grammys saw him repeating his theatrics from the 2009’s MTV VMA Awards, interrupting Beck’s walk on stage when he went to accept the Album of the Year Award for Morning Phase. West later complained that the Grammys ‘need to stop playing with us.’ The first-person collective here is undoubtedly a reference to the aforementioned divine tripartite. One of the most intriguing comments that
Kanye made was that Beck ‘needs to respect artistry’ and should give his Grammy to BeyoncĂŠ. Kanye is devaluing Beck’s Morning Phase as shit, and damning Beck himself as a monument of mundanity. I can’t quite understand what this means, nor do I think Kanye entirely does. As 50 Cent points out, Beck wrote and produced his own album, whereas BeyoncÊ’s album had eleven producers and multiple writers to assist with songs. Beck, as a talented multi-instrumentalist, played every instrument himself on the album, BeyoncĂŠ simply sang on her self-titled release, albeit pretty damn well. I don’t wish to attack BeyoncĂŠ or devalue her work on her critically-acclaimed album, but when Kanye is trying to scrutinise another who apparently ‘needs to respect artistry’, he should consider what he means by artistry, especially in relation to the ownership to the material on the album. Moving away from Queen B, Kanye’s Yeezus itself has an extensive list of producers and writers to acknowledge for their artistic input.
“When Kanye is trying to scrutinise musicians who apparently “need to respect artistry�, he should consider what he means by artistry� I don’t know how much Kanye actually knows about Beck, but in 2012 Beck released a collection of sheet music entitled Song Reader.. This collection was produced as a long-standing musical project and was released as an album rather than a collection of sheet music. The purpose of Beck’s innovative musical project was to let musicians play the music themselves, destroying the abstract partition between
audience and artist, letting the audience effectively sculpt their own songs based on the foundation that Beck had created with the sheet music. If you are to dismiss a musician’s dedication to song writing of this calibre, you are severely disillusioned. Saying that, Kanye did blame the ‘voices in [his] head’ for interrupting Beck. Noisey’s Ryan Bassil suggests that Kanye had every right to be a dick, when an award puts music made by instruments above music made synthetically (drum machines, auto-tune, etc.), or rap, or an award that puts “black artists below white artistsâ€?. Granted, it is ignorant to put one genre above or below another, but to suggest the Grammys favours white artists is ridiculous. Collectively, BeyoncĂŠ, Kanye and Jay-Z have 62 Grammy wins, with BeyoncĂŠ owning the least with 20; Kanye and Jay-Z both own 21 each. In comparison, Beck has a mere five. So now we have established it wasn’t politically motivated, it just seems that Yeezy is ‘Bound 2’ be a dick at award ceremonies. We shou l d make him a psychoanalytic case study: he suffers from an overwhelming Messiah Complex, hears voices in his head, and gets abnormally defensive over one of the most powerful women in music.
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In a toss-up between ‘Inhaler’ and ‘Two Steps Twice, I had to choose the latter. Foals’ more recent sound is an improvement in my opinion, but nothing can beat the pure raw power of this track. Doubling up as a ‘get pumped’ song for a night out, this song builds and builds until you will be forced to push your limits and join Yannis and co. in rhythmic chant.
ArCTIC MONKEYS-
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Obvious but inevitable. Alex Turner on ‘R U Mine?’ combines a compelling guitar riff and his incomparable American-Sheffield croon to create this genre-defining modern classic. This song picks itself really.
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Last but not least, one of the most peculiar and genre-crossing songs ever written. Inherently filthy with a bassline fatter than the season ticket holder at Newcastle who occupies two seats, ‘Fitzpleasure’ works its way onto this playlist because of its sheer driving force and artful hybridity. Finlay Pelling
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t the end of January it was confirmed that the world’s favourite imaginary band would return with a new album next year. That’s right – 2016 will see animated artists 2D, Murdoc Niccals, Noodle, and Russel Hobbs join forces once again for the first time in 4 years. These crazy cartoon characters had last worked together in 2011, when they released the track ‘DoYaThing’ to promote limited edition Gorillaz-branded Converse shoes, alongside LCD Soundsystem’s James Murphy and Outkast’s Andre 3000. In the real world, the forthcoming record marks a reconciliation between Gorillaz’ founders Damon Albarn (who everyone knows) and the man behind the band’s visuals, Jamie Hewlett. The comeback came as such a pleasant surprise to unsuspecting Gorillaz fans as reports of a ‘massive argument’ between Albarn and Hewlett in 2012 had killed the dream of future releases for many. Whilst very little is known about the nature of the band’s comeback at the moment, it certainly does seem legit when we consider Hewlett’s no-frills statement, ‘Yes. Gorillaz returns’. The comic book artist fittingly chose Instagram as
Hewlett in 2012 had killed the dream of future releases for many�
the platform to hint at the virtual group’s regeneration, posting pictures of Murdoc, the band’s creepy green-skinned bassist, and Noodle, fictional Japanese guitarist. Gorillaz’ human other-half, Damon Albarn, remains relatively quiet about the next phase of his cartoon project but has admitted that he “wouldn’t mind having another stab at a Gorillaz record�. The confirmation of a comeback is even more shocking after 2014 was such a jam-packed year for the Blur frontman, who released his first ever solo album Robots, which kick-started an extensive Everyday Robots run of headline shows and festival appearances with his newly-formed backing band The Heavy Seas. Working with legends such as electronic mastermind Brian Eno on the record and being nominated for the Mercury Prize made it seem as though Damon had no need to revive dead projects from the past. His inclusion of the Gorillaz track ‘El Manana’ in recent solo sets proves, however, that he does still hold his cartoon creations close to his heart. This is a band that likes to hop from one genre to another, so it is safe to say that any new music which Gorillaz sends our way could include elements of Britpop (for obvious reasons), rock, reggae, or just about anything really. It’s difficult to know whether a new album would return to the Demon Days of instant classics like ‘Feel Good Inc.’, ‘Dare’ and ‘Last Living Souls’, or venture back to t h e world of the Plastic Beach and bask in the glimmering tones of electronica. One thing we know for certain is that any potential live shows will inevitably be bigger, better and more hightech than those which accompanied their 1998 debut. 2D may even become 3D.
The Courier
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o Sucker is, finally, here: after endless delays (it was meant to come out here in October), the junking of a whole album’s worth of ‘pure punk’ material (read: completely unlistenable racket), and a stratospheric 18 months kick-started by the success and continued amazingness of Icona Pop’s ‘I Love It’ (which Charli XCX co-wrote), the follow-up to the critically drooled-over but commercially pissed-upon True Romance has landed. ‘Punk’ is the work which Charli keeps dragging happily about with her wherever she goes. Indeed, ‘Sucher’ kicks the album off with a bellowed “FUCK YOU, SUCKER”, which, while unlikely to have the establishment sprinting to the phone to get some surveyors in to have a look at the damage she’s done to the very foundations of society, is a phrase equally unlikely to have entered the lyric book of Sam Smith, for example. That said, Sucker is, unashamedly, a pop album rather than anything more obtuse. The sound is very much a new wave pastiche rather than a heartfelt love-letter to Black Flag. The first four songs - ‘Sucker’, ‘Break the Rules’, ‘London Queen’ and ‘Breaking Up’ - plough straight ahead in this wilfully brattish vein, thrashing and lashing out at everything and anything. The last of this is an absolute pearler: a snotty, withing put-down of an old boyfriend which sounds like an amalgam of every great post-punk guitar pop group but manages to transcend all of them with its sheer chutzpah and the quality of its half nagging, half utterly rambunctious melody. When she’s not proclaiming how little she cares about stuff, Charli is pushing the world away com-
pletely. In ‘Gold Coins’ she imagines becoming so ludicrously wealthy that she can afford to build a massive platinum house in which she can pull up the drawbridge and sit around smoking fags all day, and on ‘Body of my Own’ becomes so sick of incompetent boyfriends that she decides to sack it off and have a wank instead. However, ‘Hanging Around’, the collaboration Weezer’s Rivers Cuomo is a bit of a damp squib when it comes. While it sounds like an absolutely perfect fit, the finished track is just a lightly gussied-up version of Weezer’s ‘Beverly Hells’. ‘Beverly Hills’ wasn’t too bad the first time around, but it feels like a waste of a pairing which should have been inspired. On the up side, ‘Boom Clap’ continues to be as swoonsome as it ever did, and next to the rest of the material here it stands out not just because it’s ace, but because of its emotional openness. The rest of Sucker is about pushing people, about wanting to be left to do one’s own thing; in ‘Boom Clap’, Charli sings: “Just tell me what to do, I’ll fall right into you”. The cuulnerability and angst there undercuts the posturing of the rest of the album. The brash, studied strain of rebellious youth she presents is a front to keep more wobbly, unruly emotions in check. In essence, it’s an album that sums up what it is to be teenaged, and when viewed in that sense Sucker becomes not just a very solid pop album with a few standout moments (which is a great achievement in itself) but a fascinating portrait of the transition from adolescence to uncertain adulthood. Tom Nicholson
Live From Crush Palace Karen O
Should the Light Go Out Twin River
Coming Up For Air Kodaline
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ast year, Karen O of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs played three consecutive dates at LA’s Masonic Lodge while on her solo tour, following the release of Crush Songs. Her most recent album, Live from Crush Palace, is the recordings of one of those intimate sets. The songs featured in the set are primarily those from Crush Songs, with the exception of ‘Hideaway’ from Where the Wild Things Are and ‘The Moon Song’ from Her. As the name implies, the songs which she wrote when she was 27 are devoted to romance and love; saying that she got “crushed a lot” and wasn’t sure she could love again. The set opens with ‘NYC Baby’ after a fairly long, slowly fingerpicked introduction, and Karen sings with a certain fragility. The proceeding three songs are fairly hollow, but then things pick up for ‘Rapt’. The transformation of the studio version of ‘Rapt’ is interesting when Karen O plays it here. O’s renowned lo-fi vocal style on the recorded version makes her singing the focal point of the track. Yet the ‘Rapt’ played at Hollywood Forever Cemetery is clean, accentuated by the subtle backing vocals belonging to Moses Sumney and Holly Miranda. It may seem like this is a Karen O solo show, but she owes a lot to Sumney and Miranda. The majority of the album’s tracks are fairly short, but her rendition of ‘Hideaway’ lasts 7 minutes. The first half of her track, written for Spike Jonze’s Where the Wild Things Are, is the usual vocals over acoustic guitar. The latter half is instrumental, with the acoustic complimented by a sweet Stratocaster. The harmonic weaving here is exquisite. Known for her pretty reckless live antics, it is surprising to hear of Karen O play a tame set. She delivers an earnest performance, but it is lacking the energy that we have otherwise seen from her. Who said love songs have to be treated so tenderly? Connor McDonnell
win River have changed their tune since their formation in 2009. The Vancouver five-piece started out as a straight-up folk two-piece, dealing purely in the pastoral with their pared-down, campfire-jamming approach to country. Their EP Rough Gold saw those sparse textures thicken into a more layered, sophisticated sound that was still very much folk. After Dustin John Bromley (Pleasure Cruise) joined, however, it was a different story. Their new EP Should The Light Go Out showcases a musical renovation as Twin River break down the boundaries of the genre, opting for a ‘magpie’ approach that collects and masterfully arranges the prettiest, shiniest parts of pop, garage, and alternative rock. The record is energetically and masterfully paced, borrowing from musical spheres the band has never yet borrowed from; ‘Anything Good’ flirts with the realm of musical theatre with its stern, cinematic flamboyance, whilst the sultry lilt of ‘It Won’t Be Long’ adds an unexpected taste of motown. The band’s new electronic influence makes its presence felt; bubbling synths and ethereal vocal reverb make ‘He Ain’t Real’ sounds like it’s both underwater and back-in-time. The witchy ‘Secret In a Séance’ showcases Bromley’s vocal experimentation as she swaps her usual pure, crooning alto for something more sinister and Warpaint-esque. Motivation for the musical innovation was, according to Bromley, “a case of growing up and not wanting to write sad music”. “It’s more fun to play in a synth-y rock band, and more fun to listen to.” More fun is definitely right. Should The Light Go Out mediates between the pensive and the decisive, the turbulent and the static, with an energy and genuineness that could signal big things for Twin River. Hannah Bruce
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first heard about Kodaline when their uplifting track ‘After the Fall’ was released as free Single of the Week on iTunes. ‘After the Fall’ instilled a breath of fresh air into the ever increasing manufactured pop scene, with definite links to the calming sound of U2 throughout. Coming Up For Air is clearly a development over Kodaline’s earlier music: the sound is fuller; melodically, the band has improved, and there is a clever blend of more popular electronic instrumentation. The opening track, ‘Honest’, surprised me from my previous understanding of the bands direction. Soothing melodies and uplifting chord progressions previously heard, such as in the track ‘High Hopes’ are replaced by electronic drum beats accustomed to regular Top 40 pop music. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing: the band are expanding their sound, and fortunately it’s not in a ‘sell-out’ kind of way. ‘Coming Alive’ is much more like the Kodaline I was originally captivated by: the energetic instrumental opening sets the scene for perhaps the best track on the album. Throughout the song, the energy seeps through, and the melodies are expansive and memorable. The band shows further diversity with ‘Better’. They hit the alternative genre perfectly with this track: the typical band setting of rock drums, bass, and guitar are complimented by an acoustic guitar and a full orchestra to expand the sound. It’s definitely surprising that this track is on the same album as the one with the earlier pop-fuelled tracks. Coming Up For Air will propel Kodaline onto bigger things. The Irish alternative rockers have expanded on their sound, showing clear diversity in their musical style and I look forward to hearing their new music in the future. George Suddaby
Caribou has put together a massive mixtape and it’s absolutely incredible. The Youtube playlist titled The Longest Mixtape: Songs For You is absolutely storming. Dan Snaith could’ve been forgiven for chilling out after the massive success of the Out Love LP released last year, however he seems intent on continuing his run of being one of the most awesome guys in the music business. The music aside it is simply a fantastic gesture towards his fans and is a fresh way of communicating with people you’ve never met who’ve given you support. The first song is Minnie Ripperton’s ‘Les Fleurs’, an absolute banger, which gives an insight into what’s to come. A delightful mix of kooky 60s nostalgia alongside modern favourites such as Madvillain, the result is 1000 songs which are genuinely all worth listening to. You’re left with the simple realization that if you met Caribou you’d want to be his friend. Snaith comes across as a humble and genuine man, who simply loves what he does and wants to keep a healthy relationship with all his fans. What a bloody legend.
Preview: Samu.l - 28 February @ Cosmic Ballroom
This should be a really groovy one. Anyone looking for an evening of proper UK dance should go and see Samu.l. He’s not one of those artists who’s endorsed by some Youtube channel that’s become a record label. He’s the real deal. He is both a fantastic producer and DJ and is sure to keep you moving. His sound is influenced by both techno and house, layering melody over deep grooves and rolling bass lines. He is certainly one of the UK’s most exciting young artists having led rooms 1, 2 and 3 in Fabric London and done a season at Sankeys in Ibiza. He displays real dedication to dance music in general, applying innovation to a classic formula. At the end of the day if you’re reading this you’re most likely a student and you probably go where your mates want to go a lot of the time, which is probably to see people you’ve heard of and know. You should go and see Samu.l simply because you might learn something from a DJ who really know his shit. I’ve never seen him before so I’ll be there ‘cause it genuinely could be one to remember. Listen to: Samu.l - ‘Innocent’
You Need To Hear This: Lion Babe
There is a new queen of Neo Soul in town and her name is Jillian Hervey. She is half of the duo Lion Babe, completed by Lucas Goodman, whose crackly MPC jams ooze J.Dilla influence and perfectly wrap up her soulful vocals which have been frequently compared to Erykah Badu. If you know your stuff then that’ll be enough for you to go and give them a listen, for the first time in a while there is a sassy female vocalist on the block who isn’t being pushed by some massive label and forced to dress up like a marshmallow or a turkey dinner, only to have her voice Autotuned to the point where she sounds like Siri. It also helps that she is gorgeous. She somehow manages to make Rihanna and Beyonce look ‘try hard’. That is not important though, the main thing is that they have a fantastic sound. If you get online you can see their new video for ‘Jump Hi’, which has a great vibe. For me, my favourite has to be ‘Treat Me Like Fire’ which really shows off the cool edge to their production and how perfect her voice is. Listen to: Lion Babe - ‘Treat Me Like Fire’
Max makes relaxing instrumental music under the name of Hues. You can check him out on Facebook or at soundcloud.com/hues
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Monday 23 February 2015
The Courier
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harlie Brooker’s Black Mirror is both one of the most innovative and shocking telly shows I’ve ever seen. The wit is so sharp that it could cut steel, and I spent most of my time with my jaw on the floor; it’s like a modern day Twilight Zone. Black Mirror is especially interesting in that it takes place in a near-future world and some incredibly cool tech ideas are featured in the show. As a tech-lover, this got me wondering; how close are we to the technology showcased in Black Mirror? What in the show is beyond the realms of possibility, and what could we see move from the realm of sci-fi very soon? Let’s start with one of the most famous parts of Black Mirror. In the very first episode, the ‘Duchess of Beaumont’ is captured by a terrorist cell, who will only release her if the Prime Minister has sex with a pig live on national telly - which he does and then the video is put on YouTube. I remember watching this and thinking “what a crazy premise”, but this idea of ‘digital terrorism’ is here today. Everyday ISIS posts horrific videos to YouTube and has used Twitter to recruit people into its ranks. We also had the Sony hack and the mostly blackmail-like demands of the hackers concerning the film The Interview. The scariest thing about this episode to me now looking back, it’s that something like this could be in the realms of possibility to happen tomorrow.
of your daily life isn’t that alien either, from products such as Google Glass to things such as police body cameras. The idea of using these to scour over past experiences of your life really isn’t that farfetched; in fact, we’re overcoming the storage problem slowly with the advent of DNA storage, a team at Harvard University was able to store seven hundred terabytes onto a single gram of DNA. Another episode featured one of the characters buying a digital replica of her dead boyfriend, and shockingly, this isn’t that impossible to achieve either; in fact one company offered this exact type of service. Intelliar allowed you to make an exact digital copy of yourself for ‘legacy creation and preservation’; sure, the company itself was a massive failure, but someone still attempted this successfully. So, digital copies might not work, but what
about creating a robotic replica of yourself? Reality has you covered. Martine Rothblatt, the CEO of United Therapeutics Corp, recently created the religion of Terasem. Terasem believes that “a person’s mind file may be downloaded into a robotic, nanotechnological or biological body to provide life experiences comparable to those of a typical human”. Rothblatt also commissioned BINA48; a robotic replica of her wife; Bina Aspen. Hundreds of hours of conversation were used to create the robot, and it’s becoming more humanlike by the day. The next episode, ‘White Bear’ is one of the most confusing of the series, and features an amusement park/prison in which prisoners have to relive a horrible experience everyday (Victoria is hounded by people who want to torture and crucify her, but no one will help), only to have their memories wiped. The worst part is that during this, her
elaborate theatre-esque performance is filmed. The only plausible part of this episode is the Men in Black-style memory wiping, which scientists are busily working on. One stand-out technique involves the use of a glowing probe that binds to the memory-forming synapses in mice. It’s just a matter of figuring out how to manipulate the memory So, there you have it, the science seen in Black Mirror is far from fiction, and the best part about it is that this article has barely scratched the surface. Most of the technology featured in the second half of the series is more speculative than the first (we won’t have digital slaves any time soon, for example), but Black Mirror highlights the growing techno-paranoia of modern society, and I would love to see what’s featured on the upcoming third series.
“Another episode featured one of the characters buying a digital replica of her dead boyfriend, and shockingly, this isn’t that impossible to achieve”
While the next episode features a very interesting Matrix-like world featuring a digital currency and eye-tracking, I’m going to be skipping ahead to ‘The Entire History of You’. This is an episode which got many into Black Mirror, and it features the concept of a ‘History of You’. Everything you do is recorded, all the time. Society is already moving in this direction with social media sites such a Facebook; and the concept of recording every detail
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ver wished for the rain, rain to go away and come again another day? Well all those incantations over the years might be worth it, there really might be ways of controlling the weather. Companies like Oliver’s Travels have sprung up, guaranteeing sunny weather for wedding days. But under one condition: pay up £150,000.
“Companies like Oliver’s Travels have sprung up, guaranteeing sunny weather for wedding days. But under one condition: pay up £150,000” The concept of ‘cloud seeding’ is a method which has been in development since around the 1940s. It works by inducing rainfall, therefore eliminating the chance of immediate rainfall events. Initially thought of as a fringe science, cloud seeding has moved into the mainstream. At the Beijing Olympics in 2008 the cloud free opening and closing ceremonies were attributed to Beijing’s use of cloud seeding technology. In fact, according to the weather forecast, there was a 47% chance of rain on the day of the opening ceremony. Cloud seeding has also been incorporated in water resource programmes to boost rainfall over areas experiencing
drought to boost crop yield. There are a few different approaches to cloud seeding, but the principle is essentially the same: providing a nuclei to which water molecules can aggregate. One of the most commonly used seeding agents is silver iodide. Silver iodide is dispersed into the cloud, serving as the small particle to which cloud water condenses around. Given this, the aggregated particles freeze, the heavy particles plummeting to the earth and melting into rain. In the tropic and subtropics ‘warm rain’ alternatives are used. These use salts (calcium chloride) as the nucleic particle. The seeding agents increase the probability of smaller droplets colliding with larger droplets to induce rainfall. When the rain cloud reaches a level of moisture where it can no longer hold up the water particles, precipitation occurs. But can every cloud have a silver lining? Are there any issues to the widespread use of these technologies? And most importantly
does it actually work? Silver iodide is hazardous, and can lead to temporary injury. Extreme over exposure leads to argyria, which can turn skin and body tissues blue. However studies have shown silver iodide’s impact is negligible on ecology and human health. You’re more likely to be exposed to silver iodine from tooth fillings and industry emissions than cloud seeding. A common concern is whether inducing rain in one area essentially robs another. The answer is no. Available atmospheric moisture is relatively high compared to the amount induced to fall. Naturally only 5-10% of moisture passing over an area falls as precipitation. Basically the sky is very big with lots of moisture to go around. Attempts to verify the success of cloud seeding have been mixed. The hardest thing to quantify is whether rain would have fallen in given area, even witho u t
Image: John Hope
cloud seeding. Luckily, advances in computer modelling have helped investigate this issue. The National Center for Atmospheric Research in Boulder, Colorado, found that when seeded, clouds produced 5-15% more precipitation. However, many meteorological organizations have found that the evidence is not ‘convincing’. As it stands there’s a lack of peer-reviewed journals on the subject mainly due to the difficulty in conducting controlled experiments.
“Attempts to verify the success of cloud seeding have been mixed. The hardest thing to quantify is whether rain would have fallen in a given are, even without cloud seeding”
It’s an extravagant claim - splashing out so much money on cloud seeding for your big day, for it not to work, could literally dampen your spirits. But so far there is reasonable evidence supporting the technology. There are even prospects for cloud seeding to be used to combat climate change. And with the human population’s ever-increasing demand for water, research in this area can only be expected to increase. Cloud seeding is growing up and who can forecast where it goes...
The Courier
Monday 23 February 2015
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ou’ve all probably heard of at least one fitness fad that claims it can make you as fit as a fiddle in no more than 2 minutes. Yes, you heard correctly, apparently you can have a bikini body or a torso chiselled by the gods with a handful of 120 second workout blasts. So how come we don’t all look like underwear models then? The NHS guidelines on how much physical activity adults need to stay healthy are a far cry from these simple two minute marvels. As a bare minimum, it is suggested that we are active on a daily basis accumulating 1 hour 15 minutes of vigorous aerobic activity (e.g. running, swimming or playing rugby) AND muscle strengthening that works legs, hips, back, abdomen, chest, shoulders and arms at least twice a week (e.g. weight lifting, yoga or using resistance bands). However, for you exercise-phobes who, like me, wince at the thought of ‘vigorous-intensity’ exercise, there’s an even bigger time demand. We are expected to do at least 2 and a half hours of moderate aerobic activity (e.g. walking, netball or doubles tennis) as well as twice weekly all over muscle strengthening.
“However, for you exercisephobes who, like me, wince at the thought of “vigorousintensity� exercise, there’s an even bigger time demand�
Sounds daunting, doesn’t it? But research has suggested that short, sharp bursts of exercise are actually more effective at fighting off heart disease than prolonged, albeit less strenuous, exercise. A study found that five 30 second stints on an exercise bike, pedalling at full tilt leaving you sweating and out of breath can cut the amount of fat in your blood by 33%. That’s the kind of statistic you’d expect from a 90 minute run! The intensity of this exercise regime is believed to cause the liver to take in more fat from the blood to store it or burn it off. This technique can not only improve endurance and health, but it also reduces the time commitment of exercise; the most common barrier to take part in exercise in our
busy modern lives. However, it isn’t all plain sailing, as Dr Gray, of Aberdeen University, explains. The need to rest in between the explosive bursts of exercise means it actually takes around 20 minutes to do, and needs to be done regularly. Further, it is less effective than longer sessions of lesser intensity at shielding against cardio-vascular disease. The American College of Sports Medicine Health & Fitness also claims to have found a ‘quick fix’ to better health. Seemingly, a 7 minute work-out utilising 12 weight bearing exercises can reap the same benefits as a long run. And this one does actually take just 7 minutes, but at a price. This is another form of interval training where you carry out an exercise at an intensity close to your bod’s maximum capacity for 30 seconds, followed by a 10 second break before moving onto another exercise that uses different muscles. This prolongs the ‘rest’ each muscle gets between exercises so the order of the phases is very important. However, there are drawbacks to this regime: Mr Jordan, the scientist who devised this workout, states that this should be an “unpleasant� experience, measuring around 8/10 on the discomfort scale. It appears there is no easy way out if you want to be healthy. We have to make the choice between relatively easy but time consuming exercise or hardcore, short (but not quite as short as one would hope) stints. You know what they say, no pain, no gain.
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vid follower of Pierce Brosnan? Fan of Paul McCartney’s slightly odd mash-up with Rihanna and Kanye? Like seals? You may have been with me on some (if not all three) counts there, but of course you may have missed the link between Bond, the Beatles and blubber blubber. Well, if you’re not big on trying to work out how many degrees of separation there are between the contenders in this list, I’ll link them for you with one simple theme: conservation. Yes, more and more A listers are on the ‘save the animals’ bandwagon: there’s everyone from Stephen Fry to Nicole Kidman and Prince William.
“It’s no secret that Helena Bonham-Carter straddled a tuna fish in order to support an anti overover-fishing campaign�
“Research has suggested that short, sharp bursts of exercise are actually more effective at fighting off heart disease than prolonged, albeit less strenuous, exercise�
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Now, I’m all for saving animals, but I do question celebrity motives sometimes. Are they really completely in it for the good of a multitude of species or is it a bit of a publicity stunt for brownie points? This isn’t a debate we’ll be addressing here - just something for you to have a think about. So, we’ll use this space to consider who’s supporting what and then we can make our minds up about said question. It’s no secret that Helena Bonham-Carter straddled a tuna fish in order to support an anti over-fishing campaign being hosted by the Blue Marine Foundation. Despite having a phobia of fish, the actress endeavoured to bring some passion to her momentous embrace with the creature from the blue. The giant fish 27kg fish featured alongside a nude Bonham Carter, in replication of a previous campaign featuring Greta Scacchi.
“2010 was the year of getting your kit off for some not-sofurry friends� Bonham Carter made the point that she feels it is our responsibility to return the world as close to its original state as possible, for future generations. Stephen Fry is also an avid supporter of saving tuna, but his conservation eefforts do not end there. He, alongside Ricky Gervais and Prince William are keen to protect big cats across the globe. But, no one ever suggested that putting the cat amongst the fish was a good idea, so let’s bring it back to some marine mothering - after all 2010 was the year of getting your kit off for some not-sofurry friends. Gillian Anderson and rapper Goldie were amongst a line-up of celebrities who posed nude with a variety of sea creatures. Anderson posed with a conger eel draped over her shoulders, whilst Goldie opted to conceal himself behind a large redfish. Fashion designer Kenzo also got involved and was grasping a bonito fish with an expression of joy across his face. Well, I presume joy - it could easily have been wind, shock or thoughts of global domination. These are all ‘valiant’ efforts and a great way of raising the profile of endangered fish, but how dedicated to the cause is everyone?
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Monday 23 February 2015
The Courier
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<.#'=$"'=$++7+ 8'4)6,-+%9:,;(:#,<= Grand Theft Auto is already hilarious, but when you throw the sheer amount of glitches into the mix it’s fantastic. This glitch is one of the most famous in the series, and it’s super easy to pull off. There are a multitude of glitched swing sets throughout the world of Liberty City, all you need to do is grab hold of one or drive into it and watch the magic happen. Cars will go flying across the horizon, and can even reach the next area of the game if you’re lucky. The most surprising thing about this glitch is how often you’ll survive the crazy crashes.
<.#'2$>%?"# ;55455.)>5,&'%%6?,3$4*@,A$4B Ubisoft is no stranger to glitches (the memories of Assassin’s Creed: Unity are still strong), but my favourite glitch in a Ubisoft game is in that game’s predecessor: Black Flag. This glitch gives the game a biblical vibe. From the parted sea rises your trusty ship, the Jackdaw. That’s not all, bodies that were floating on the surface start to mysteriously rise into the sky; where are they going? No one knows, but I like to think it’s heaven.
9#)7+':$@A -+%,1./5,C While sadly patched out, many early owners of The Sims 4 reported something very unusual. In early versions of the game, pregnant Sims would occasionally give birth not to a healthy baby, but to demon spawn with elongated stalk-like eyes, weird curved arms and a spinal cord so misshaped that the baby literally looks like a crescent moon. Some people cited that this glitch was caused by userinstalled mods, but there have been many people who cited the glitch occurring even when no mods were installed - including my sister, and her reaction was priceless.
27%$%*+('0#$B& A4$$,D(:?,E%F,=%B45 Bethesda games are famous for being two things; huge and glitchy. Nothing else to me sums up why I love Bethesda more than the rotating heads glitch in Fallout: New Vegas. The Courier (the player character) has recovered from being shot in the head, and the first thing he sees is the man who saved him, or rather his head spinning three hundred and sixty degrees. It’s astounding that The Courier survived the surgery at all, or maybe he didn’t - we’ll never know. This was the first thing I saw playing the game, and it was amazing.
noticed amongst the chaos. Can you provide any insight into the process for publishing your game? It seems that this is a grey area of information for most passive players. David Turuel: Thanks! For me, it’s the most annoying part about releasing a game: the submission and advertising process. I submitted my game to various stores, and Steam is one of the trickiest; even passing Greenlight’s user ratings, you still don’t know when it will be approved. After that, you need to provide a lot of information about your game, and thus make a lot of new content (images to fit in the websites, micro-icons etc.). You need to be focused on that alone for several days to do things right. Another issue about Greenlight is even if most of the comments are OK, dealing with the internet trolls. Maybe they doesn’t know the effort needed to make a game, but they keep asking me (just one guy) to give it triple-A features. Finally you need to keep your cool head and be practical. Read all the comments, improve all what you can and you want, and appreciate the experience. JH: How do you settle on a design ideas, whether they be for a full game themselves or additions to one? I know you are working on a sequel, and it must be a very selective process. DT: I made a simple game that could perform simple tasks, and added to that. Making iterations and playing through, I saw the need to create more cards until I could balance the gameplay. I have a
Libraries also make your life better. My main piece of advice is: love it. You need to want to spend all your time doing it. To think of a game passionately is easy, to start a game is easy, to work at its development is a little harder, and to finish the game is a nightmare. You need to be patient and constant. Don’t exasperate and try hard until you finish at the highest quality possible. A game unfinished is not a game, it’s a practice, and I’m sure that although you’ve learned a lot, every time you finish a game, you learn more than you expect. As an obligatory and respectful plug, Crunch Time! is available for all platforms at w w w. c r u n c h t i m e t h e game.com
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rom the same development team that brought us Left 4 Dead, Evolve is an asymmetrical, multiplayer shooter that has you either hunting down and killing extremely large monsters, or playing as that monster to kill four hunters. Set on the planet Shear, Evolve features four game modes: skirmish and evacuation. Skirmish is basically a quickplay mode, while evacuation is a fiveround dynamic campaign that boasts over 800,000 different combinations for the dynamic events in contains. Although it does feature a ‘campaign’, Evolve doesn’t really have much of a story to it; the only explanation we get as to what exactly is happening comes from the very short bits of dialogue between the characters.
<.#'C+%*"#'!$)# G#*@7,H%B%)65 Oh my God, this game is the Holy Grail for glitch lovers. I bought this game solely because of the legendary reputation it has for being one of the buggiest games ever, and I was not disappointed. I’ll just list off a few of the experiences I’ve had with this game; the crowd turned into a jumbled mess, the announcer got stuck in a loop of saying “next up is a fight”, and fighters have fallen through the floor only to pop back up in pieces. That of course is if the models aren’t completely messed up to begin with. I’ve seen Rocky with no mouth and eyes about to explode out of his sockets, Spider Rico looking scarily like a zombie, and Clubber Lang who looks as if he picked a fight with a freight train and lost. Hands down the best £1.50 I’ve ever spent.
the community to playtest, at their behest. JH: It’s hard to ignore the light-hearted meta in Crunch Time, a game centred around creating games no less - do the cards themselves reflect your experience in the industry so far, or are we even more doomed than they portray? DT: Game development is not a happy wonderful world. I love it as much as I hate it! It’s my passion and I want to work with it but it’s very hard. You find all kinds of issues, especially relating to time, like having to spend an entire day just setting up a project. All the cards in Crunch Time! are real. I lived them in the flesh at a big company where I worked; I started to develop
I am disappointed by this there was a real opportunity to create an immersive world like the team did in each Left 4 Dead campaign.
Shear features some beautiful environments to traverse and destroy, but after while they all start looking the same. There are sixteen different maps to play on, with some being restricted to certain game modes, but they’re all basically unmemorable dark forests with the odd building or rocky cliff here and there. It has been announced that all new maps will be available free of charge.
“In some games you spend a lot of time running around the map playing cat and mouse”
As the hunters, there are four diff di erent classes to choose from, each with three choices of characters. To unlock the next character in e a c h class, or to upgrade you have to complete certain challenges; this oft o en requires you to perform actions that don’t really help the team and really goes against the whole teamwork idea that Evolve is based upon, instead making it feel more like a grind. The characters themselves are really well designed; each has their own unique abilities and weapons, and they all seem pretty balanced with no character being overpowered or underpowered. Playing as the monster is a lot less intuitive than the hunters; even after completing the tutorial, you can find yourself not really understanding what your strategy should be in an actual game. But once you
get the hang of it, it is incredibly rewarding to win by defeating the four hunters. The biggest strength of Evolve is the gameplay. Although in some games you may spend a lot of time running around the map playing cat and mouse, this is more than made for up by the fun you have when the hunters and monster collide. Teamwork is key in Evolve, which is why it is best played with a group of friends. Unfortunately, you can’t play as the monster if you play in a party. Evolve may have its flaws, but it is defi finitely worth a purchase if you want to play something a bit different to the typical shooter (or if, like me, you are massive fan of Left 4 Dead Dead). It’s just a shame that so many people decided against purchasing it due to its d ay - one DLC controversy. It really is a good fun game, that all can enjoy.
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“ It’s not that I can’t enjoy the puzzle without the corners and edges, Mr. Jigsaw, it’s just it’s not a complete game without them”
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urchasing The Sims 4 is akin to purchasing a jigsaw puzzle with half the pieces, if you were then expected to pay another twenty quid to Mr. Jigsaw to buy his ‘expansion packs’. The ‘Corners and Edges’ expansion pack would include all the pieces you thought you were going to get in the first purchase, but in a brand new box. It’s not that I can’t enjoy the puzzle without the corners and edges, Mr. Jigsaw, it’s just that it’s not a complete game without them, and I don’t know why you’re charging me extra for the stuff you previously gave me for free. With the reveal of The Sims 4: Get to Work (a unashamed rehash of The Sims 3: Open for Business and Ambitions), I feel a
raging need to rant at EA, in the hopes that it will take a good, hard look at itself. For those who don’t know, The Sims 4 follows the same premise as every other Sims game before it. You create some people, usually yourself and whoever happens to be around at the time (or for the particularly cool of us, whoever you fancy at the time), make a house that you could never in a million years afford, force them to do all the things you wouldn’t do, like work, study, exercise and go outside. Then when you get bored, or when you’re having a particularly bad day (or when a Sim rejects your totally non-creepy advances), destroy their lives using the impressive array of murder weapons at your disposal, ie. a fire-starting coffee
machine or a pool with no ladder (though this has sadly been removed from the game, it will forever remain the iconic Sim death). Get to Work is the obligatory careers DLC for The Sims 4, providing new jobs and skills as well as the ability to run your own business. Of course, the word ‘new’ is used in the loosest possible sense, as everything contained within this expansion can be found in either of the previous two careers expansion packs for both The Sims 2 and The Sims 3. What sets this DLC apart from its predecessors is that a lot of the content it provides existed in the base game for every single previous Sims game. Now, if you want to become a policeman, a doctor or a scientist, arguably the most iconic careers of the franchise, you have to pay EA £30 for the privilege. Of course you can now follow them to work to find out that their job is just as boring as yours, something we learned in The Sims 3: Ambitions. The most frustrating thing with the reveal of Get to Work is that far more people would throw their money at EA if they could just thought of a few new ideas for the game, instead of re-hashing old expansion packs. I would encourage anyone considering buying The Sims 4 or Get to Work to just buy The Sims 3 on Steam - it’ll only cost you £24.99. If you’re still on the fence, try a jigsaw puzzle. You won’t have to fork out for a new box of pieces every six months.
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here is no feeling quite like the one you have looking over your Hospital-Empire, admiring the fat wad of cash sitting in your bank, rubbing your hands together thinking “Yes, Yes, I’ve done it! It’s mine, all MINE”. Everything is running perfectly. The staff are satisfi fied, wellpaid and not over-worked at all. The floors are clean. Your state-of-the-art diagnosis machines are in good working order. Then suddenly about 60 patients to come flooding through the doors at once, puking all over the floor, then the five caretakers you hired refuse to clean it up because they feel you’re not paying them enough, and the machines are bust because the caretakers don’t have the motivation to fix them, then the doctors start kicking up a fuss, demanding a higher wage, unable to deal with the flood of patients at their door, and all the nurses seem to be on their break, and because your staff aren’t working to the best of their ability the puking patients storm out in a rage, vowing never to return to your shoddy hospital. But, the risk of such disaster is what makes the game so fun. This is Theme Hospital, a 1997 simulation game that requires you to set up and run your own hospital. You’re in charge of building the hospital, hiring staff, deciding how much to charge for certain treatments and how much you should pay your staff, controlling the temperature of the building, and generally
making sure things are running smoothly. This game does not pull any punches when it comes to
difficulty spikes. On one level, you find yourself expertly dealing with a huge wave of patients and you catch yourself thinking, “hey, maybe I could run a hospital myself. I’m pretty good at this”. Then the next level hits you with poorly-trained sta staff, earthquakes and epidemics. Theme Hospital is an incredibly smart and fun game. Your staff are responsible for detecting such terrible diseases as ‘Heaped Piles’, ‘Bloaty Head’, ‘King Complex’ (the sufferer wanders around wearing Elvis Presley-like attire), in addition to many others. If you don’t have the correct equipment to deal with these diseases, you can take the chance on a particular cure. This can go horribly wrong, resulting in a visit from the Grim Reaper and a negative impact on your reputation. A good reputation is everything in this game, and its hard to get, if you continue turning away or killing all your patients with ‘Hairyitis’ because if you don’t know how to cure it properly, your reputation will take a considerable hit and your bank balance will be looking entirely less than promising. Your reputation can su suffer horribly from just a single dead plant in your reception, or a drinks machine being two steps away from a room rather than one. Although the odds are stacked against you in this game, it just makes it all the more satisfying to beat.
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hatever else they may be accused of, you can never call Telltale Games out on a lack of consistency. Spawned from the cancellation of Sam & Max: Freelance Police, Telltale Games was established on an early-instated principle of episodic releases. The studio’s early career mostly peaked with Strongbad’s Cool Game for Attractive People, and releases beyond that weren’t terribly popular, until 2012 when they hit a goldmine with The Walking Dead: Season One. Let’s just take a moment to appreciate that commitment to episodic release: not only is this a game in five parts, but it even sells itself right off the bat as the first season. Praise from critics, a massive influx of new fans, awards galore and a shitload of money followed in this game’s wake - and what a game it is. For the uninitiated, The Walking Dead: Season One is a story-based, character-driven point-and-click adventure game in five parts following the mild, mysterious Lee Everett, who finds himself burdened with the care of a young girl Clementine - in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. Fighting off cannibals, psychopaths, zombies and racial prejudice, Lee and his charge stole the hearts of even the most jaded power gamers.
“Episodic gaming already has a name, but this formula feels like something I’d be more than tempted to call TV Gaming” But with Season Two, equally successful and equally beloved, now half a year old and an unprecedented number of similar, franchise-grabbing titles in progress behind the doors of Telltale Games’ prolific production lines, Telltale has really lost its indie status, and with it the affectionate leniency we tend to give such developers. Has this beloved underdog become nothing more than another money-grabbing monster in an industry with more than its fair share of those already? You could certainly make a good case for it. I won’t lie, when I first played The Walking Dead Game I immediately thought of Game of Thrones as the perfect candidate for a game like this (not that I can afford it now that it’s out - be careful what you wish for, eh?). But Borderlands? And Minecraft? Really? The cynic could easily find a pattern in these choices, and that pattern would look more like a great big dollar sign than any Telltale fan might be comfortable with admitting. Episodic gaming already has a name, but this process of season-by-season, episode-by-episode feels much more like something I’d be tempted to call TV Gaming. I don’t think it’s any more unreasonable to predict a Game of Thrones: Season Two than a The Walking Dead: Season Three. Former Telltale CEO Dan Conners said in an interview with Joystiq that the company’s goal was to “make it possible to release Telltale games on every platform”. But now that that’s
done, what next? I fear I know the answer: we shall know the devil by his name, and his name shall be Telltale Games presents: Keeping Up With the Kardashians.
The Courier
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The Courier
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You will no doubt be familiar with banter, that debased term which once meant good-natured badinage between friends but is now used to explain away any kind of attempts at ritual humiliation which the recipient fails to appreciate. Anti-bantz, however, is like a kind of like dark matter: it exists as a balance to the aggressive triumphalism of straight-ahead #bantz, and is much more subtle and insidious. Previously a niche concern practiced by a chosen few, Twitter has fomented and facilitated the rampant expansion of anti-bantz as an art form. Fans and players will attempt to preemptively save face by firstly dropping hints at certain factors which might act in their opponents’ favour (“What a stroke of luck for the Poly - Baz has picked up meningitis” etc) so that should they win, their triumph will be so much greater for being unexpected. Should they lose, they’ll offer a revisionist version of events in which they, the plucky underdogs, were never likely to win against such an enemy with such vastly superior resources, and indeed had had to play well above themselves on the day to avoid a total shellacking. While devilishly ingenious, when deployed skillfully it does rather ruin the traditional gloating and goading (which, obviously, is the point). That said, when attempted by an amateur it can come across as a bit needy. If you’re going to get involved, make sure you get some practice in on flatmates, family members, people in the street, etc. You might initially be met with a fairly frosty reception for telling a fellow Eat4Less patron in the queue that, given the baked potato’s proven track-record as the most efficient and filling carbohydrate-based lunch meal available from Eat4Less, it’s really remarkable how high up the top-selling charts the humble pepperoni baguette pizza manages to climb. However, you should know that what you’re doing is for the greater good.
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Large-scale sporting occasions mean many things to many people. To myself, they tend to mean sitting down and eating nachos dipped in anything runnier than nachos until I start worrying that I’ve managed to detach my retinas with the force and persistence of my chomping. To others, they are a chance to vomit down oneself while wearing yellow shoes and shouting “Banter”. To still others, they are the best opportunity possible to dress up as an oversized banana and attempt to start a conga every time there’s a throw-in. There’s no real theme to Stan Calvert fancy dress, other than that there’s an unspoken agreement that there can be only one Rory and one Polly at any time, as any more than that can lead to large-scale gang warfare between the two furry cliques, like West Side Story but with less singing and more shanking.
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Right, it’s really not that hard. Unlike tennis, where one point counts as fifteen, the Stan Calvert scoring system sensibly sticks to the idea that a victory should count for two points, while a draw earns each side one point. Some cynics point out that this is completely pointless and confusing, and that a system of one point for a win and zero apiece for a draw would be less so. These cynics tend to get yet more confused when the issue of athletics points, which can be chopped up into quarters, halves and three-quarters of points according to some presumably reasonable rationale, come into the picture. It’s closer in spirit to the Ryder Cup, but without all the whooping Americans ruining everything we hold dear about an event and sport which is at its best when watched or played silently, with any resentment, anger and pockets of joy being sublimated into terse, low-level grumbling.
E
It’s important not to let the opposition know exactly what you’re thinking throughout the championship; any slip of the tongue and, whoops-a-daisy, you’ve gone and told the rugby captain that you’re afraid of people running at you quickly and throwing ovoid objects toward you. Therefore, I propose an entirely secret system of codewords by which Uni fans and players can communicate without fear of being overheard by Poly representatives. It’d be idiotic to give the code away here, obviously, but the above phrase would be useful to tell a teammate or friend that something has gone wrong (i.e. “That chest pass was absolutely Grimbo”). Also I haven’t thought of any other things sportspeople might need to communicate to each other, which says a lot about my prowess.
H
If you want to fit in at a sporting event you know little about, it’s best to get in some practice on your indignant honking. You don’t need to be able to go into the specifics of any sport if you can honk convincingly when something appears to have gone awry. If people around you appear unhappy with something happening on the field of play, make a broad “WHURRRRR” sort of noise while shrugging your shoulders and holding your palms outstretched. Everyone will assume you know what’s going on, and a brief eavesdrop on a nearby expert’s specific rantings will furnish you with enough detail on the situation for you to then busk it if someone should ask you what you’re honking about. Intermediate honkers might mix things up with an exasperated burst of air through the lips to make the same noise as an irked horse. Generally speaking, the more low key your honking, the less you’ll look like you don’t get out of the house to sporting events much.
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With the finale of Stan Calvert being wrested away from the traditional rugby union match at Gateshead Stadium by the netballers at Sport Central, Newcastle fans will be venturing into alien territory. While the ticket allocations will be equal, Northumbria will have the psychological edge of playing on home soil (or rather home laminated wood flooring). If Newcastle’s fans do anything crass like bringing along a map outlining exactly how much of Hertfordshire their family owns could earn themselves some fairly stinging glares from the Northumbria faithful, and, if they’re still minded to make boorish noises, should probably stick to more inclusive phrases like, “HIGHER EDUCATIOOOOON”.
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The crowd at the big netball match will be entertained at half time by the traditional cheerleading display by both the Newcastle squadron (the Northern Angels) and their Northumbrian counterparts. It’s easy to be dismissive of cheerleaders by aligning them all with the ditzy, airheaded Valley Girl image propogated by your standard teen movie, but if you’ve never seen a proper cheer display in full flight I do urge you to. The teams refer to their members as athletes, and once you’ve seen a high-octane display of synchronised chucking, falling and thigh-slapping, you’ll know why. It looks absolutely brutal. The President of the Newcastle team is currently sporting a black eye earned by getting in between the ground and a particularly enthusiastic cheerleader’s apparently insatiable desire to land elbow-first on the floor from twelve feet in the air. They are absolutely hard as nails and deserve respect.
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Is there anything quite like shouting things in unison with other people wearing similarly coloured scarves to make a person feel truly alive? Here are some inclusive, feel-good chants which might one day replace the old deeply offensive warhorses: - “WHY CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG” - “I FOR ONE HOPE SPORT IS THE WINNER TODAY” - “COME ON BOTH TEAMS, HAVE A GOOD OLD GAME OF SPORT” - “THE OPPOSITION HAS SCORED AND I APPLAUD THEIR SKILL AND ENDEAVOUR” - “IN 5 BILLION YEARS THE SUN WILL EXPLODE; HUMAN ENDEAVOUR IS POINTLESS”
C
The culturally discerning man or woman about town often has to deal with hecklers who might take issue with the waviness of their garms and the deepness of their house, dismissing them as edgy try-hards rather than true sports fans. Of course, this is pure tosh: it’s just that edgy people need the conditions to be absolutely correct before they can commit fully to the ordeal of mixing with armies of gauche sports fans. Help your edgy friends out by persuading whatever team you’re going to watch to wear outsized floral shirts rather than their standard kit, or at the very least insisting that they stick Jamie xx’s remix of ‘You Got the Love’ on in the changing rooms to get themselves in the proper edgy mindset required before they arrive on the field. Alternatively, make some swap the half time oranges for a key’s worth of low-grade ketamine to make your edgy pal feel more in tune with the athletes.
JF
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As mentioned previously, Stan Calvert is a haven for those among us who identify with the wag who heckled one of Vic and Bob’s early shows with “TELL US ONE WE KNOW”. These are presumably the same people who wear those whacky t-shirts which look very much like pieces of official FBI merchandise, but upon looking closely one can see that it actually reads ‘Female Body Inspector’. Stan Calvert is a refuge for all the tired, clapped-out, dried up husks of jokes which may, once, in their first flushes of youth, have had a certain zesty je ne sais quoi to recommend them but which are now utterly spent. I’m talking about the likes of “Your dad works for my dad”, “Two E’s and a swimming badge”, and their ilk. It’s not that it’s a serious assault on poor people, obviously (nobody actually believes in that stuff; it’s just a convenient branch with which to beat the Poly, and they do call us cunts after all) it’s just that it’s all a bit forced. In the same way as one might lose enthusiasm for poking a corpse with a stick after a few hours, one tires of hearing the same jokes about council houses and Jeremy Kyle every year. It’s touching Andy Parsons levels of obviousness. Why don’t we take a left turn? I don’t mean we should aspire to some Stewart Lee-style repetition of the word ‘crisps’ until the Poly fans either laugh or become enraged with boredom, but there’s got to be something else. That said, it’s hard to inspire a mass of heavily inebriated gilet-wearers to do anything more profound than shout two-syllable phrases in that booming two-note tone that sounds like a particularly lairy tugboat horn. It’s folly to attempt to get people chanting extracts of Sartre at opposing fans in an attempt to convince them of the deep existential vacuum in their souls.
The Courier
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The netball firsts match, which this year forms the centrepiece of the whole week, promises to be a ding-dong battle involving running, jumping, throwing things and many a home run being thronked out of the park. (I’ve never seen or played netball.) There’s only a single point separating the two teams in the BUCS league, and the league games between the two stand at one won apiece.
You’ll be able to watch the netball finale streamed live from Sport Central on Sunday by the excellent technicians at TCTV and NSR, along with a round-up of all the week’s action, in MensBar and the Poly Union bar. You’ll also be able to watch it at home on your laptop on the Stan Calvert website, of course, but I didn’t think I could really get away with ‘M is for Mmmm, what excellent picture quality on this livestream’.
Neediness is one of the most base and deplorable of human emotions, and it comes out with a vengeance at Stan Calvert. It’s not just Poly fans trying to convince themselves that they have nothing to envy of us witty, intelligent, sexually dynamic champs; it’s Uni fans giving it the whole “You don’t even go to a proper university” schtick. Poly-baiting is obviously a laugh but it doesn’t half come off as a bit twitchily defensive, especially when we lose.
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A large-scale sporting occasion doesn’t feel quite complete until an adult human being has clambered into a suit and done the worm in front of a baying crowd of opposition fans, and the Poly’s ace in the hole in this respect is Polly the Parrot (DO YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID THERE). Looking a little ragged these days, Polly can usually be relied upon to wander around making a limp attempt to rile Uni fans with vague hip-thrusting motions and occasional muscle-flexes.
Don Quixote, windmill-attacker extraordinaire, a character whose romanticism and wildly impulsive tics made him almost completely impractical, would be right at home watching Stan Calvert. Not because of his windmilljousting skills (though that could help out in a tight lacrosse match), but because the whole point of the cup is to construct an enemy at which to charge - it makes the whole thing much more satisfying.
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Standing in Newcastle’s corner of the metaphorical (and occasionally literal) Stan Calvert boxing ring is Rory the lion, an anthropomorphic representation of the red lion on the uni crest. The uni keep trying to claim that his name’s Percy, as in the House of Percy who’ve been the resident aristocrats in Northumberland since William the Conquerer turned up and started shanking fools with arrows, but literally everyone else knows him as Rory. Percy is the name of a goat or a particularly dim ferret, not a mighty lion.
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Whether you think of them as essential winter warmers or just a special kind of trousers for perverts, you’ll definitely need a pair of thermal undercrackers if you’re heading out into the barren wastes of Longbenton to watch the hockey or football, or out to Cochrane Park for the rugby. The fervency of your support and the fire of your love for competitive sport will sustain you for so long, but have yet to be confirmed as medically helpful in a frostbite situation.
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There’s something about major sporting occasions which makes the removal of all of one’s clothes seem not just the good and righteous thing to do, but an activity which people are compelled to do by some overwhelming and mysterious force (possibly pints of diesel). Whatever it is, streakers are an integral part of Stan Calvert, though whether any brave souls will partake in the environs of Sport Central remains to be seen - the old excuses about it being particularly nippy out in Gateshead of a March evening won’t be available.
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That is to say, a power vacuum. (V was difficult alright? This was very nearly ‘V is for Vicious’, and you were very nearly reading an analysis of the dreary ITV2 sitcom starring Derek Jacobi and Sir Ian McKellen, so think yourself bloody lucky.) The pressure this year must surely all be on Northumbria, given the extraordinary quality of their facilities, the money spent on their teams, and indeed the fact that they’ve got the monkey off their back regarding actually winning the thing. (This is a classic example of anti-bantz by the way, I hope you’re taking note.) And yet. Much like when Manchester City won the league title for the first time since football was invented in 1992, the impetus which spurred the Northumbria athletes to dig deeper, push harder and scrummage more scrummily might well have vanished. They might very well turn up still fairly pleased with their work from last year, and knowing that if they don’t win it’ll be no bother at all because they’ve never actually managed to win it two years in a row. There could well be a vacuum of willpower and motivation which could suck us up into pole position. Alright, so ‘they might be so shit that we win by default’ isn’t exactly a Game of Inches style rallying cry, but we’ve got to cling to SOMETHING in the face of such insurmountable odds. (Anti-bantz again there. You’re watching a master at work.)
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The Stan Calvert Memorial Cup started in 1994, and was named for a man who was deeply involved in university sport throughout his life. Calvert himself was born in Alnwick and went to Birmingham Uni, where he represented British universities at football, before becoming involved in running sports programmes in Newcastle in the early 1960s and going on to become the Uni’s Director of Sport in 1981. While Northumbria might be the current holders of the trophy, this is very much against the grain of Stan Calverts past: aside from the six championships won between 2008 and 2013, Newcastle can count a further seven victories (in 1995, 1997, 1998, 2001, 2002, 2004 and 2006) since the first Stan Calvert in 1994. The grand total stands at Newcastle 13-6 Northumbria. By any reckoning, it’s more one-sided picture than a profile mug shot. Amazingly, the cup was shared in 1999 and 2003. No idea what anyone did after those two; is it possible to go out after having been shown to be roughly equivalent to the people you’ve spent the last week or so barracking mercilessly? Given the potential for existential angst that that state of affairs might cause, it might actually have been more kind to get the two Athletics Union Officers to settle it with pistols at dawn.
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Northumbria Uni is, of course, a cultural wasteland with very little to recommend it. One of the few totems which binds Northumbria students together (along with a vague sense of listlessness and lingering existential doubt) is that in response to Uni fans waving their wallets around in their own inimitable class-baiting way, they take off their shoes and wave them cheerily back at them. Some serious journalistic digging (I asked a guy, he didn’t know, that was pretty much it) hasn’t turned up any answers as to why this happens, so for now it’ll have to remain in the big box of questions to which man is not meant to know.
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The go-to goading tactic of the Uni supporters since time immemorial, the waggling of a well-stuffed wallet (usually stuffed with Waitrose receipts and Metro tickets, but still) is the ultimate expression of pomposity and look-at-myfucking-red-trousers hooray Henry arrogance. The real magic of it, though, is that it is completely unanswerable; the best they’ve managed to come up with in the last 21 years is a surrealist footwear-based jibe which, while a credit to the Poly supporters’ ability to operate laces, isn’t a direct response in any traditional sense. It’s crass and stupid, but so is sport and loads of people like that.
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In the absence of anything X-related to do with Stan Calvert, I’m going to have a look at Olivia NewtonJohn and ELO’s 1980 smash hit ‘Xanadu’, which soundtracked Olivia NewtonJohn and not ELO’s 1980 smash hit film Xanadu. The first song beginning with X to top the US charts and ELO’s only number one single, it’s a pretty enough slice of ABBA-lite AOR strummy niceness, but things get a lot more interesting when considering the lyrics. Xanadu is apparently “a place that nobody dared to go”, though as the summer capital of Kublai Khan’s China it probably would have been quite a popular holiday destination. That wasn’t a lot more interesting was it.
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Losing a Stan Calvert is the kind of thing which keeps our sportsmen and women up at night (that and trying to work out the best way of bleaching a jockstrap). If your friend loses their fixture, don’t try to comfort them with platitudes like, “You tried your best”, or, “At least you kind of know the rules of hockey now”; you’ll only make them feel worse. Enact violent retribution upon them so won’t make any of the stupid errors which cost our university this feted cup and make us the bloody laughing stock of the city. After all, did Lance Armstrong win all those races by telling himself it was fine when he lost? No, he invented charity wristbands and necked loads of steroids and BECAME A WINNER.
H
holding one’s arms out in a Y-shape and with palms flattened and facing outwards, this is the ur-chant, the chant which begat all others. It is the Alpha and Omega of chants. When Earth is a scorched, desolate rock, the wind will still howl “UNAY”. It also becomes a very useful way of locating friends and brethren when trapped within a potentially hostile crowd of Northumbria fans, as you might be on exiting the climactic netball match on Stan Calvert Sunday (See B). To find your pitch, imagine you’re singing along to the “BA-DA-BA” bit of the Proclaimers’ ‘500 Miles’ and substitute “YOO-NAY-AY” in there.
6
As we all learned in Moneyball, there are few things more thrilling than the dizzyingly exciting than the intersection between mathematics and sport, except the unexpectedly compelling intersection between Brad Pitt and baseball caps. Basically, a zero sum game is a term from game theory describing a situation where the victor’s gains are exactly balanced by what the loser has lost. That pretty much sums up Stan Calvert: it only matters as much as the other side allow it to matter. Fortunately, there are enough emotionally incontinent types on both sides to ensure that the competition will be a high on a par with doing back flips on a motorbike through a ring of fire while singing ‘Flawless’.
40.sportfeatures
Monday 23 February 2015
The Courier
Stan by me: Super Swimming By Lynsey Brownlie Following differing form throughout the season, the 2013/2014 cup saw both swimming teams compete in one of the most tense and closest competitions of the whole cup. Both male and female battles resulted in draws and a bittersweet achievement. The draw would have been viewed differently in the eyes of both teams as Northumbria were perceived as the overwhelming favourites due to their position in the top flight division and successful form in the Trophy Championships in which they finished 3rd out of the whole country. However the spirit and courage of Newcastle resulted in a well deserved draw with the local rivals. Therefore, following last seasons performance, Northumbria will be undoubted favourites again going into the upcoming competition, after finishing fourth in Division 1 in the Northern Region table in comparison to Newcastle’s less glorious 7th place finish in the Division 2 table. Despite the difference in league and position, the Newcastle swim teams will be certain to put in their best performance and bring a tough competition once again to their local rivals. Hoping to go one better than last year’s draw, the Newcastle squad have persevered and been practising hard in preparation for the upcoming events, intending to publicly punish the Poly.
Athletics By Mark Sleightholm Athletics is perhaps the most complicated fixture in the Stan Calvert competition, with the large number of events requiring decimal scoring. Northumbria traditionally dominate in track and field events, although Newcastle ran their way to a draw in 2012. While the Cross Country half of NUAXC were victorious last year, their track and field counterparts were unable to repeat their success, leading to disappointment for Newcastle and the Gateshead Stadium. In the BUCS Indoor Championships in February 2014 Northumbria outperformed Newcastle, coming 11th out of 53 universities in the overall combined
Volleyball By Jack Marley Women’s volleyball at Newcastle is in the middle of a BUCS renaissance period. Fresh from a 3-0 routing of the Manchester 2nd team and sitting comfortably ahead of their nearest rivals at the top of their league, the ladies look almost certain to take a considerable
Poly are going in as frontrunners against the Newcastle squad Photography by Kiril Matei
team scores. Newcastle managed to secure 37th place and won just 5.5 points. A similar story unfolded at the Outdoor Championships in May. Northumbria came joint 14th in the overall team scores, with 27 points. Newcastle were not so far behind this time, coming 22nd out of a possible 72 universities. If it was the taking part that counted, Newcastle would have beaten Northumbria hands down. NUAXC entered competitors into a multitude of track and field events, but unfortunately were not able to turn this into the all-important points. Many of Northumbria’s star performers in 2013-14, such as Emma Pringle and Alan Toward, have since left, and so Northumbria’s previous form may not continue into Stan Calvert 2015.
Athletics is predominantly a summer sport, so for many of those competing at Stan Calvert this will be their first major competition in some time. Nonetheless it will be a steep mountain to climb for NUAXC on 1 March. Gateshead Stadium will once again host the track and field competition, which include both individual and team events. As usual the athletics will dominate the final afternoon of Stan Calvert, and a large crowd is expected to add to an already tense atmosphere. The sheer number of different events that comprise the athletics fixture means this will be one of the key events of this year’s Stan Calvert.
leap forward and win first place in the Northern 1A Division for the first time in recent memory. Stan Calvert will prove to be a much tougher challenge however. History has not been kind on Newcastle sides in Stan Calvert volleyball. In the last 3 years alone, Northumbria have dealt both the men and women’s team resounding defeats, even in years where
Newcastle’s overall tournament score has vastly eclipsed the Poly’s. The Northumbria problem in volleyball is hardly surprising considering they began playing in a higher league this year, which has likely given Newcastle the breathing space and confidence boost they needed to excel. Nonetheless, in line for promotion and in the best form they’ve been in for years, 2015’s Stan Calvert challengers for women’s volleyball represent the best team fielded against Northumbria in a long while, and could prove key to eating into some of the biggest point advantages that the Poly enjoy in their “safe” sports of the tournament. The challenge before the men’s team is unfortunately even greater however. With the Poly men’s team riding high at the top of the Northern Premier League, a very special performance will be needed from the Newcastle boys to pose a threat. But as with every year, the arrival of new talent offers the chance for significant reversals of fortune and for those looking for an underdog to back in the tournament, they need look no further than the plucky Newcastle 6.
Newcastle crave revenge after a disappointing display in 2014 Photography by Zhulien Genev
The long-jump will be amongst the highlights in this year’s schedule Photography by John Bishop
Skiing By Mark Sleightholm Newcastle’s NUSSC and Northumbria’s SSN are both among the largest sporting societies in their respective unions, so the teams have plenty of members to chose from to take part in the single Stan Calvert feature. Having won the event every year, Newcastle lost their skiing crown in 2013, and narrowly failed to retake it last year, losing 2-1. Olivia Parker, now the President of NUSSC, took part in last years’ Stan Calvert event, winning her race, but unfortunately this was not enough to beat Northumbria overall. So far this year, however, NUSSC have performed strongly, and go into Stan Calvert as the clear favourites. Newcastle came fifth in the BUCS Dryslope Championships in November, achieving 28 points. Northumbria were joint fifteenth with just four points. It is worth bearing in mind that Newcastle performed particularly strongly in the snowboarding events, which are not included in Stan Calvert. Even so, NUSSC came fourth in the
Ladies’ Ski Slalom and seventh in the mens’ event, although Northumbria did manage to beat them here, skiing into fifth place. NUSSC enter four mixed teams in the Kings Dry Slope Championships, and after three out of four rounds in the 2014/15 season Newcastle 1 and 2 occupy second and third place in the league table. The first of Newcastle’s two ladies’ teams are also sitting in second place in their league, and came third overall last year. Northumbria don’t take part in the Kings Championships, and so a direct comparison here is impossible. In fact, SSN take part in far fewer competitions than NUSSC, and so may be lacking in that all-important race experience. As well as taking part in Stan Calvert NUSSC will be hoping to continue their success in the fourth round of the Kings Championships, as well as February’s BUISC. After this they will join their Stan Calvert rivals, along with other student skiers, in the Alps for the BUSC Main Event at Easter. If they’re not snowed under by all the strikingly similar acronyms.
The Courier
sportfeatures.41
Monday 23 February 2015
Sunday guide Longbenton and Coach Lane
Northumbria Sports Central
Silksworth
Town Moor
Longbenton Sports Ground is shaping up to be where some of Newcastle’s biggest victories are likely to come. With Men’s Football, Hockey and Lacrosse all putting in good performances this season and with history generally on their side, this is the place to be to revel in the glory of some home team pride. Coach Lane sports grounds meanwhile are a stone’s throw away and represent ground zero for women’s football this year. Being nestled in an extension of Northumbria Uni’s campus however means that they’re also deep red territory. Whether familiarity will convey home advantage for the poly remains to be seen, but you needn’t feel out of place. An “a + b” daysaver ticket will you get you to Longbenton and back hassle-free, and there’s a nice little cake shop nearby called “Catherine’s Cakes”. If you’re missing the comforts of home though, Gregg’s is never far away.
At the far East of Northumbria’s main campus stands Sports Central an impressive building, once you get past the odd smell of the Engineering and Environment building opposite. The nearest Metro stop is probably Haymarket, as Northumbria’s city campus is just a 10 minute walk from Northumberland Street and the Wetherspoons “The Five Swans”. From it’s over confident glowing “Northumbria” badge to its open windowed climbing wall, the centre is quite a sight to behold, while the university’s “Cafe Go” is just next door for prematch munchies if you’re feeling peckish when it comes to judgement day. As for the game itself, the grand finale netball showdown, I’m going for the tightest of Newcastle victories. The two teams stand just one point away from each other in the Premier North league with a home win apiece this year, Northumbria taking it 32-19 in October while Newcastle squeezed a 35-29 in November.
For any mackems wanting to get involved in some Stan Calvert action, then head over to Silksworth Sports Complex and check out the Skiing. If you are travelling from Newcastle then jump on the metro to Sunderland University and then the number 13 bus (unlucky for some) will land you at the bottom of the slope. Despite being on the losing side the last two years, NUSSC are in good form after a fifth placed finish at the BUCS Dry slope Championship and should retake the crown this time round. Even though there might not be any actual snow you may need warming up so the McDonalds next door might have the quick fix, alternatively there is China Wok on Durham Road. And to wash all that down, your best option is The Rosedene, located conveniently halfway between the slope and the town centre, on Queen Alexandra Drive.
Jack Marley
Alex Hendley
The green pastures of Town Moor are just off Newcastle University’s campus past the Royal Victoria Infirmary and a short walk from West Jesmond Metro station, which means its close to the amenities situated there like Starbucks and Pizza Express. Or, if you’re feeling the extra walk, you could always catch the Metro to Haymarket and grab an Eat4Less at unfathomable value. As for pub choice, a popular venue among students living in West Jesmond is the Lonsdale, who’s warm bar and hot food is just a hop, skip and a jump from the Town Moor tundra. When the Stan Calvert arrives it’s the courageous cross country runners who will take to Town Moor to try and add a couple of extra points to either Newcastle or Northumbria’s tally in the most probable bitter cold. Desperate to retake the Cup, the Newcastle athletes will be well aware that every single point counts, and that should spur the fighters on the field onto victory against their Northumbrian counterparts. Alex Hendley
Calum Wilson
The Courier’s Sports Editor Peter Georgiev inspects the most bizarre moments from the sporting world
Z
latan Ibrahimović – the footballer who has the physique of an Olympic swimmer, behaves as arrogant as an evil cartoon character and actually looks like an evil cartoon character. Don’t believe me? See Jafar from Aladdin. Whatever you may think of the Great Ibra, one thing is unquestionable – he is a marvelous entertainer. In fact, I can’t come up with any reason why Zlatan should not also be hosting a late-night talk show. The Bosnian can speak in so many ways. Last week, he raised awareness of the world hunger crisis through his new set of tattoos with the names of 15 sufferers covering his body. Before that, he stunned England with the most astounding bicycle kick ever. Of course, as if his actions were not enough, Ibrahimović most often speaks with his mouth. So, in honour of the majestic PSG striker, let’s look back on ten of the best Zlatanist quotes which amused us over the years.
Zlatan revealed his tattoos after opening the score against Caen Photography by Getty Images
Close House
Newcastle Sports Centre
Cochrane Park
The Northumberland Club
An ironic name given how far it is from anywhere, the prestigious golf club finds itself in Northumberland’s answer to Mordor in a place called Hebdon on the Wall (Where the hell is that?). Alan Shearer is reported to play golf there, and the course will host an 18 hole marathon between Newcastle and Northumbria. Getting there’s a slight issue without a car, and there isn’t a metro station, quite simply because Lord Sauron got rid of it. A taxi is around £30 so get a seven seater and split it between your mates. There’s the swanky clubhouse bar for refreshments or the BP garage round the corner has a great selection of Ginster’s to feed the passing golf fans. The Poly pride themselves on their superior golfing prowess; a quick look at the BUCS tables shows there’s a high chance they’ll take all the points in this year’s fixture. George Clarke
This year, basketball is taking place in our very own sports centre. To attend you will need a ticket or a silver gym membership but the game should be a competitive one with Uni having edged the basketball in recent years. In terms of tea and coffee facilities, there isn’t actually much there other than a couple of vending machines with protein shakes in. Just up the road is Ron’s hot snacks which serves a fine assortment of breakfast baps. It cannot be said that the bacon, sausage and egg bap is worth every second and penny of your time. If that is not your cup of tea, so to speak, there is a Londis store by the opposite end of Ricky road, ready to satisfy all of your needs, and an Eat@Newcastle in the building next door.
Super Sunday is definitely the day to be at Cochrane Park. The nearest metro is Four Lane Ends, then jump on the number 1 bus, otherwise you are looking at a 25 minute walk. The women’s rugby team go head to head with their Poly counterparts, Uni had the advantage last year and expect the girls to fiercely defend their right to brag. Straight after, you can cheer on the men’s 2’s as they try and avenge their brothers from the 1st team. At the same time you can see if the women’s lacrosse are able to stick it to Northumbria, if rugby isn’t your cup of tea. Speaking of tea, there is a Sainsbury’s next door where you can warm up in the café, however if you’re in need of something a bit stronger, follow the rugby boys and girls down to The Lochside Pub. Calum Wilson
The women’s tennis is a particular highlight from this venue, they’ve shone in recent BUCS years and won the league last year so it’s all looking very promising. Though they have had an injury-hit season with Captain Sian Bayliss suffering a shoulder injury, hopes and expectations are high for a Uni victory. The club itself has a bar where they serve the basics; crisps, peanuts, pints and pop (health club, my arse). If you ask nicely they should have tea and coffee making facilities. However, being at the top of Osborne Road in the Middle of Jesmond, it is a students’ paradise. There is plenty of bars which sell burgers, light bites and cheap pints, but also a Waitrose, Greggs, Starbucks, Tesco, Adrian’s Deli, the list is ruddy endless!
1. Comments on how he outplayed Liverpool’s Stephane Henchoz: “First, I went left, he did too. Then, I went right and he did too. Then I went left again and he went to buy a hotdog.” 2. When asked whether his style was Swedish or Yugoslavian: “It’s Zlatan-style.” 3. On the rumours that he ordered himself a super-Porsche: “Absolutely not. I have ordered a plane. It’s much faster.” 4. When Arsene Wenger invited him to a trial at Arsenal at the age of 17: “Zlatan doesn’t do auditions” 5. When asked what he bought his partner for her birthday: “Nothing, she already has Zlatan.” 6. After moving to Paris in 2012, Ibra was searching for a new family home: “We are looking for an apartment. If we don’t find anything, then I’ll probably just buy the hotel.” 7. In response to John Carew’s criticism that his moves and tricks are pointless: “What Carew does with a football, I can do with an orange” 8. In response to Rafael van der Vaart accusations that Zlatan attempted to injure him: “I didn’t injure you on purpose and you know that. If you accuse me again, I’ll break both your legs and that time it will be on purpose” 9. On the rumours that Wayne Rooney will be signing for PSG: “If he did join, he would have to get used to the fact that Zlatan scores even better goals than him” 10. When asked to compare himself to another sportsman: “I’m like Muhammed Ali. When he said he would knock someone out in the fourth round, he did it.”
Josh Nicholson
Illustration by Daisy Billowes
Josh Nicholson
42.sportbucs
Monday 23 February 2015
The Courier
Scousers pick Newcastle pockets Men’s Football
Newcastle University 1st
0
Liverpool J. Moores 1st
3
By Calum Wilson at Longbenton 3G It has been a season to savour so far for the Newcastle boys, but last week’s last-16 cup defeat at the hands of Liverpool John Moores was a rare blip in an otherwise near-flawless campaign. It was to be a frustrating afternoon for the league leaders, who surrendered a hugely impressive unbeaten BUCS record stretching right the way back to November 2013. The hosts, unsurprisingly, went into the match brimming with confidence, boasting a record of 6 wins and 2 draws in the league and having come past a strong Stirling side in the previous round of the trophy. They faced a tough Liverpool outfit, who had been more than competitive in the 2-1 Newcastle victory three months prior. That said, on home soil and against the league’s fifth placed team, the Geordies were strong favourites. Complacency was perhaps evident in the very first seconds of the game. Newcastle knocked the ball about with a relaxed attitude right from kick off, only for centre back Bunn to gift possession to a pressing opponent. The striker rounded the home keeper, who looked bemused and furious at being called into action so early, but the remaining defenders were on hand to eventually diffuse the situation. Buoyed by such a fast start, the visitors mounted a second attack in as many minutes. This time Bunn was able to atone for his earlier error, timing his slide tackle to perfection. Any illusions of an easy passage into the quarter finals were soon dispelled. In the end the 0-3 score line perhaps flattered Liverpool, but few watching will argue that they didn’t deserve to progress, based purely on their organisation and spirit.
Newcastle lost a match for the first time since November 2013 Photography by Calum Wilson
As has become customary this season, Newcastle looked to get the ball down and play, hoping to utilise the skill of Golby, Salisbury and Ames across the midfield, whilst profiting from the rich goal scoring form of the prolific, Olly Walker. It just didn’t happen for the boys in the black and white this time out, although not for the want of trying. As game plans go, for Liverpool John
Moores it was the perfect away performance. Their well organised and managed defence restricted the home side to half chances at best, whilst clinically tucking away their own opportunities on the counter-attack. At the end of a competitive first half that saw three yellow cards distributed, the visitors capitalised on some poor defending to take a slender lead into the break. A seemingly harmless pass found the Liverpool right-winger with enough space inside the box to lash a perfectly placed shot across Readman in the Newcastle goal. Probably deserved on the balance of play, the goal left questions to be asked of the home defenders. Conceding might be a concern for coaches and players alike, Newcastle have only kept 2 clean sheets in BUCS games this season. Going forward, there were halfchances for Golby, operating in an at-
tacking midfield role, and right-back Mairs, although neither really troubled the visiting keeper. As for Walker up top, there were few opportunities in the first half to improve upon his impressive scoring record that saw him bag all four goals in the side’s victory last Saturday. Newcastle grew into the game in the second half, with Walker occasionally straying deeper in search of the ball, but the Liverpool wall stood firm and continued to limit the hosts to long range efforts. The trailing Geordies did at least manage to test the opposition keeper, who deserves much credit for one or two top-draw saves, keeping Newcastle scoreless is no mean feat. The best save of the match prevented what would have been a fantastic solo effort from Ames, who had been getting at his opposite number all afternoon. The winger weaving this way then that before cutting inside and unleashing an
effort which looked destined for the top corner, but for the fingertips of the Liverpool number one. As Newcastle went in search of an equaliser they committed more numbers forward and were eventually undone on the break. The visitors doubling their advantage on 70 minutes before helping themselves to a harsh third in added time. Even the introduction of Cypriot, Komodromos and club captain Jack Taylor was not enough to prevent a cup exit. Focus will now switch back to the league, where Newcastle need just one more win from their last two fixtures to guarantee top spot. Before that, the Lions compete in their Stan Calvert clash. Set to be an intriguing contest, they will hope to channel the positive league form and improve on the disappointing loss last week to overcome the Poly.
Men’s Rugby League
skipper Jacques Dentsmoins who put fans favourite Brad Von Schlid through for his first try of the year. A meat pie ensued for a nameless senior prop who dashed over from 0.32mm out. Medical student Ben Adams was next over the whitewash as he cantered in from 20 metres leaving the Leeds fullback in his wake. Garry Treanor’s effort throughout was faultless but it was his partner in crime Dan-Caparos Midwood Junior who scored next showing some lovely footwork in a relentless attacking onslaught. Kris Whittaker’s great kick returns allowed Joe Barker to dot down next on his debut appearance at halfback. Andy Daglish was subbed off due to a blood injury with Senegalese exchange student and Union convert Jonny Kodak entering the fray adding fresh impetus
to NURL’s defensive efforts. Sam Toads was faultless with his infamous Salmon tackle coming off on multiple occasions. Skipper Dentsmoins crossed shortly after selling an outrageous dummy much to the delight of his frostbitten better half. Josh Cattlet bagged himself two tries and Adams got his second to bring the Owl’s 50 points. A quick skim over the NURL record books show that the last time the 2s got more than a half century a certain Spanish-Lancastrian was still a fresher. Leeds to their credit battled on throughout and after having arrived late put up a good front earning two tries in the process. The final play of the match however was perhaps the best as Kodak trampled a Leeds centre, throwing a speculative offload to Catlett who raced 60 metres to earn his hat-trick.
Owls leave Leeds for dead Newcastle University 2nd 52 University of Leeds 2nd
10
By George Clarke at Close House
The Geordies were unable to beat Liverpool’s impressive goalkeeper Photography by Calum Wilson
After weeks of cancelled fixtures due to the weather and a last minute cry-off from the Teesside Tentpegs NURL’s 2nd XIII finally got 2015 off to a start with a comprehensive victory over Leeds University’s 2nd string outfit. Marginalised by the AU, the Owls were forced to play the fixture at Close House and Leeds’ late arrival meant the match didn’t kick off until the fiery ball had stopped glowing high in the sky. There to steady the ship and show off in front of his spectating girlfriend was
The Courier
sportbucs.43
Monday 23 February 2015
Knights destroy Derby in Cup clash Men’s Basketball
Newcastle University 1st
79
University of Derby 1st
48
By Huezin Lim at The Sports Centre With the round of 16 match in the BUCS 2014/2015 looming, the valiant Knights from Newcastle took to the courts for a shoot-around. As the referees arrived and the game was set to begin, Newcastle’s Coach Hewitt reiterated from the start that offensively, he wanted “nothing but our style of play”. Defensively, the players know whom they’re playing and they should be comfortable. The game started with a nice drive from Troy straight from the tipoff towards the basket. The Derby players had two turnovers with sloppy ball handling and Newcastle was finding it easy to find the penetration. Despite this, the team was unable to knock in the basket from close range. The name of the game for the night thus far was quick passing and if Newcastle could secure the boards on defense, they would have dominated the opening minutes. A 3-pointer from Te’o was the first jumper and the bucket was timely. Derby were losing their assignments in the zone and that gave Chuck Duru plenty of open opportunities in the post. Foul trouble would plague the lads throughout the game and Newcastle called the first timeout. Coach wanted them to force the jump shot instead of going strong towards the basket and he wanted the Derby players to be forced to kick the ball out A well-directed 3-pointer from Maurice after the timeout was what the team needed but the players were racking up a lot of easy fouls at the same time, giving the substitutes extra minutes. Newcastle was finding the range from deep with a three pointer from three different players so far. The score was 15 to 5 after
6 minutes in the first A 24 second shot clock violation by Newcastle led to the Derby time out and the coach must not have been pleased with the number of open shots outside of the arc. The entire home team was on fire in moving the ball around and knocking down the open shot. If the players managed to reduce fouls, the team would have had an even bigger lead. Derby just could not find a basket no matter how hard they tried, until a three pointer by Derby’s Brown. The Knights began to get overconfident with the jumper while Derby scored 5 points in a row. For the final play of the quarter, the team went back to basics and excelled with short passing but unfortunately they could not knock down the basket. At the end of the first quarter, the score was 22 to 11 in the favour of Newcastle. Derby Coach wanted his players to be stronger on the screen and they needed
to play better on defence. The Derby boys gave up too many baskets over the last five minutes of the quarter. Right from the start, a turnover by Derby led to an easy basket by Troy Baugh but Te’o had a seemingly clean challenge in the paint ruled a foul, which infuriated the Knights bench. The half court trap by the Knights was not as effective as the coaches planned but Chuck scored three baskets in a row in the paint. After two unnecessary turnovers and inbound plays from Newcastle, Coach immediately called a timeout. He did not want to risk passes and the players should be making use of the screens. Despite the turnovers, Derby were unaåble to capitalize and only scored 3 points in the 2nd quarter while Newcastle continued to build on their lead. Being a trophy game, it was bound to be a heated contest and after an unsporting
foul and an accidental trip on Te’o, there was a period of confusion where it was uncertain who the foul was on. Derby were shaken up by the way things worked out, their game plan went out the window and they were trying too hard on offense and failing to stop Newcastle’s fluid offense. The momentum was completely with Newcastle and Derby could find no way to slow them down on offense as the lead kept on growing At half time, the score was 40 to 21. Coach said that we had won the first half but they expected a much stronger first half. They wanted a much more physical game, hitting them on the screen and playing a men’s game. The second half started as the first did for Newcastle. Derby missed the open lay up in the paint and Newcastle knocked down the three pointer, none other than Chuck Duru once again. With another 3 pointer from Maurice,
No. 9 Maurice tore Derby apart with his majestic offensive play Photography by Huezin Lim
Derby no.5 May-Thompson had the highlight of the Derby side so far with a heavily contested layup in front of 3 Newcastle players. He did not make the And-1 opportunity however. It was especially frustrating for Newcastle centre Alex who was under foul trouble throughout the game. His substitute Ben was definitely no slouch however and took on defensive duties really well. Despite the huge lead, the effort shown by the players were incredible. While on the floor, Troy still managed to deflect a pass and force the turnover. This was a testament to the quality of play the Newcastle Knights epitomized. The belief is and always will be the team above all else. An uncharacteristic turnover from Maurice led to an air ball from Derby. This was indeed a summary of their night here at the Tyne. Te’o was a massive rock on the boards as well as in the paint, contesting everyone and everything that came near the basket. With Maurice finding assist after assist, there was nothing the Derby coach could do. With 8 minutes left, the score was 67 to 40. Maurice led the way in the final minutes with “tear drops” and penetrating passes. He could knock it down from the jumper as well. Maurice even got the charging foul called on Derby. He managed to control the fourth quarter and lead the Knights to complete victory. To top this off, Maurice had the play of the game as he split the double team with a slick crossover and passed to Chuck from behind the back with the left hand. This was a highlight even for any professional league, and everyone applauded a true talent within our midst. It was only two points but that was a special play as the bench got off their seats. The game soon came to an end with smiles all around as Derby realized they were truly bested by a better team. Onward the Knights, at home against Loughborough 2nd.
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Intramural Football By Seb Murphy
5-a-side football at university; the ludicrous but captivating sport, where the wall can be your twelfth (or should that be sixth?) man and the subs are herded into the corners like cattle; don’t forget to close the gate behind you! Where a 1-1 draw is seen as a shock, and kicking the ball above head (whose head?) height is an offence of gross misconduct. A quick scan through the inter-mural league tables and laughing at the ‘witty’ team names can be a productive way of procrastinating. Prizes go to ‘Puyol Pantsdown’ and ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Skrtels’. Sometimes, there are teams who simply want to honour a professional footballer; notable team names include ‘The Nathaniel Clyne Appreciation Society’ and ‘Heskey’s Warriors’. And then there are the no-thrills society teams, such as ‘EngSoc’ and ‘DesiSoc’, chief whipping-boys of Semester 1. This term, ManSoc will be looking to defend their crown from Semester 1, where they prevailed 5-4 on penalties over Boca Seniors after a thrilling 2-2 draw in the final. There are 5 leagues with matches spread over Thursday and Friday evenings. The top 3 teams from each league will qualify for the play-offs in April, along with the best 4th placed team. After 3 rounds of matches (at time
of going to press), Maradona FC, Ludo United, Frosty FC and Silence of the Lahms top their groups with 100% records and are therefore well-positioned to qualify for the knockout stages. All eyes, however, are on the beautifully christened ‘Friday 6-7pm League’, otherwise known as the Group of Death amongst 5-a-siders. Boca Seniors, who top their group with 9 points, are up against the likes of Fiorentina Turner (formerly Geordie Alba), EngSoc and Stuffed Crust Pizza; teams that all qualified for the knockout phase last semester. The group is far too tight to call at the moment, with 4 points separating Fiorentina Turner in 2nd place from Michu at De Gea Bar in 5th place (7 points to 4 in descending order). Stuffed Crust Pizza, in particular, are hoping to improve on their exploits of last semester, where they suffered a 13-1 humbling at the hands of Boca Seniors in the round of 16, as Heskey’s Warriors. However, it was remarkable that they even reached that stage after losing 3 out of their first 4 Saturday league games. Concerns that the linguists would have communication problems after spending their years abroad in farflung countries such as Austria, France, Germany and Spain were proving to be true. Not to be denied, the team, inspired by former Quorn FC hotshot George Johnstone and the part-time
maurauding ‘limb’ering Alex Sharp, dug deep to win their final 3 games against Geordie Alba (a fine 3-1 win), who were the group winners, DesiSoc and Atletico Madras, to proceed to the next round at the expense of Astana, whose tardiness cost them dear. Failure to turn up to a match results in the opposing team being awarded the match 5-0, and the
offending team losing points. But that won’t be examined in too much detail; apparently fortune favours the brave. The Crusts faced Boca Seniors this Friday in a crunch repeat match, seeking heartfelt revenge. As splits begin to appear at the halfway stages of the leagues, it is fairly easy to predict the teams who will advance.
However, the knockout stages are much more difficult to predict. What is indisputable is that teams who also have teams in 7 and 11-a-side, such as Boca Seniors, will always have a slight advantage. But that doesn’t stop the underdogs from believing that this semester could be ‘their semester’.
Stuffed Crust Pizza, formerly known as Heskey’s Warriors Photography by Seb Murphy
Sport
www.thecourieronline.co.uk Monday 23 February 2015 Issue 1306 Free
thecourieronline.co.uk/sport
THE ONLY GUIDE TO STAN CALVERT YOU’LL NEED p. 40
Sports Editors: Peter Georgiev, Jonty Mawer & Huezin Lim Online Sports Editor: Josh Nicholson courier.sport@ncl.ac.uk | @Courier_Sport
NOT SURE WHAT ALL UNI BEATEN BY THIS STAN CALVERT MERSEYSIDERS STUFF IS ABOUT? READ p. 42 OUR IDIOT’S GUIDE p. 38
Fighting talk The best of the insults and barbs thrown during the press conference
I’d hope to see Newcastle University out in force come 7pm on Sunday 1 March, painting the Poly Sports Central blue and filling the air with much needed intelligence both on and off the court. Caleb Jones, Newcastle AU Officer, throws the first dart in a blog post last week Well done Caleb, I’m sure you went through that three or four times trying to get it right. Adam Barr, Northumbria Sports President, responds to the above It’s always good to see a set of Poly gnashers come out, get them biting. Shame their teeth aren’t as white as ours though. Jones revels in extracting a response Newcastle’s Caleb Jones (right) and Northumbria’s Adam Barr (left) were answering all the questions before the epic battle Photography by Jake Jeffries-Jackson
Fractious press conference sets tone for Stan Calvert By Josh Nicholson Online Sports Editor
Athletics Union Officer Caleb Jones and his Northumbria counterpart Adam Barr traded barbs and slurs in an illtempered press conference called to officially open Stan Calvert 2015. Flanked by the two sides’ netball first team captains Jo Murnane of Newcastle and Leah Kennedy of Northumbria, the two men locked horns over the structure of the competition as well as engaging in the traditional goading which is part and parcel of the Stan Calvert varsity cup. This year’s competition sees the removal of some key, and formerly prestigious, events from Stan Calvert. Rowing, cycling, gymnastics and snowboarding, which Newcastle have boasted clear superiority in recent years, will not feature in this year’s competition, and further removal of fixtures between third and fourth teams in other sports. Jones, who has been a cricketer in the competition, was keen to express his “disappointment” not only in the removal of these key sports but of the restructuring of Team and Club Northumbria in general. Where Team Newcastle have
third and fourth teams, Northumbria have instead a separate Club Northumbria structure wherein these keen athletes are left to play an intra mural style of league rather than representing their university. Indeed, one attendee cited the example of the Northumbria and Newcastle gymnastics teams both being ready to compete, but the existing regulations preventing their addition to the Stan Calvert billing. This was a matter which seemed to rile Jones up, saying that “teams are ready to play, but instead they’re going to have to just watch because their opposition just doesn’t exist”. Smith seemed reluctant to rise to defend the structure of his Poly sports department merely quoting “the rules and regulations”. However, Barr did bite back, pointing out that even with the inclusion of these sports in last year’s competition, Northumbria were victorious, saying: “Oh did you win them last year? And what was the score last year?” Given the enormous investment in top facilities and coaching for Northumbria’s teams, and their status as the cup holders, one could be forgiven for thinking Northumbria might be feeling
the pressure. However, Barr disagreed. “We’ve never won twice in a row, and before last year we hadn’t won in six years, so there will be a pressure to retain it. But we were chatting about it with the athletes and there’s actually very little pressure to go and win it again. Everyone was quite relaxed”, he said. As Jones said, success in Stan Calvert boils down to “who performs on the day” with both officers beaming at the prospect of a tight competition this year. Barr added that, “rugby union or netball thirds, it’s still two points [to play for]”. Netball is this year’s finale, and there was much consternation as to why the traditional rugby union finale had been axed when it was first announced. However, the two clubs shared the spoils in their BUCS matches so far this year, winning one each. As Barr pointed out, “The last two years there’s been literally a point in it [in Stan Calvert matches]”. Both netball captains were keen to highlight how much of an honour it would be for their teams to walk out in front of 3000 fans on that final Sunday. Used as Team Northumbria’s base Sport Central offers an enclosed, intense at-
mosphere and that’s only for BUCS matches. “We’ve always had a strong history of rivalry with the netball girls at Northumbria, all the way through the team, and we’re really looking forward to the opportunity to take that to a big crowd”, said Murnane. “It’ll be great having all of Newcastle and Northumbria there to support us - its something we don’t get much at netball, and it’s something our sport deserves. We’ve got some really great players, so I think we deserve to be centre stage.” Barr also pointed out that “although it’s non-contact, you’re going to see a lot of contact”. The atmosphere and tension of this press conference are only likely to be raised to a stratospheric level come the 1 March. Early last week Jones offered a rallying call to his students, telling them to get behind their teams and calling on them to turn Sport Central royal blue, a call he renewed while considering the potential effect of Northumbria’s home advantage: “If we can fill that stadium with blue, it won’t feel like your home.” The game will be streamed live in both Students’ Unions, Players’ Bar in the Gate, and on www.stancalvert.co.uk.
Oh, did you win them last year? And what was the score last year? [...] Last year you had more involved, and it didn’t sway things. Barr gets his claws out It’s disappointing that what was an incredibly prestigious varsity competition should go from 70-odd sports to 50-odd... why should those fixtures be cut? To me, it’s about getting as many different athletes playing as many different sports on as many different levels as possible. That’s what Stan Calvert’s about. The cutting of sports, to me, does take away from the spirit of the competition. Jones gets on his high horse If we have everyone involved in sports, we could end up with the ultimate frisbee fifth team [playing] - who’s going to go and watch that? Barr underestimates the pull of the American Football/children’s game hybrid [Northumbria’s] condensing of their sport into elite first and second teams really does put us in detriment... It’s a shame that we’ve got those same athletes who competed three years ago now sat on the sideline. That’s a massive shame. I imagine they’d rather be competing than being Polly the Parrot. Jones responds to Barr’s suggestion that spectators might get involved by donning the illustrious red feathery bird suit of the Northumbria mascot I know the rules and regulations are in place, but as well as that there’s all the reshuffling that goes on behind that which also prevents these teams from playing because they don’t exist. They’ve played previously and now they’re not. It’s the same rules and regulations, but the teams just don’t exist. Jones dishes out truthbombs like they’re going out of fashion