www.echo.net.au/soap-box
MANDY NOLAN’S
SOAPBOX HOW NOT TO ENJOY YOURSELF: MEET THE ANTI-MASTURBATION LOBBY What was Chrissie Amphlett’s mum thinking when her daughter sang ‘When I think of you, I touch myself’? That would have to be a confronting song for any mum to hear her daughter sing. ‘Chrissie! Sing mummy that lovely touching song again – your nanna loves it.’ Except for me – I reckon I’d be proud. In fact, I’ve just put it in my will as the song I want them to play at my funeral. I want a choir. I want the whole damn congregation to sing it. And Auslan interpreters. Masturbation, and in particular, female masturbation is still taboo. I mean you don’t rock up to work going ‘sorry I’m late – had a big morning masturbation sesh’ then go hit up on the hand sanitiser. Maybe Mrs Amphlett was proud, or maybe she just put her fingers in her ears and sang ‘la la la’. If Mrs Amphlett was part of the Christian Mothers Against Masturbation she would have been down on her knees for Jesus, (which sounds sexual in itself – there are probably Christians masturbating right now just thinking about such desperate acts of floor-based contrition.) This morning, as I lay in bed pleasuring myself by rolling my finger across my Facebook feed, I discovered this American anti-masturbation lobby group, and another one called stopmasturbationnow.org – ‘Surely this is a joke?’ I thought. But no. These people are total wankers. Anti-wank, wankers. For these fundamentalist Christians, self-stimulation is one sure way to lose your key to the promised land. ‘Make sure she has never raped her sin cave’ declares one meme… ‘It is never ok to marry a masturbator.’ For this crew, the sound of one hand praying is the sound of eternal damnation. As one of the meme’s informed me: ‘You need two hands to climb God’s staircase’. Of course the masturbator in me thought, but you only need one hand to guide you down the slippery slope to hell. After all girls, the clitoris is the ‘devil’s doorbell’, and when no-one’s home, many of us have given it a damn good ringing. When it comes to buzzing the Christian clitoris, ‘Avon Calling’ takes on a whole new meaning. Most orthodox religions see masturbation as a form of pleasure outside God’s design. But how can that be true? If God didn’t want us to enjoy our lovely genitals then we wouldn’t have such well-placed arms. Some Christians have even gone to the extreme of making their children wear anti-masturbatory sleep gloves. They’re covered in spikes. Although, what’s a deterrent for some will be added gratification for others. I’ve Googled them. They look like essential items for entry to the Hellfire club. In fact, I’ve been online for the last half hour trying to order some, for myself. Research of course. It’s hard to believe that anyone could promote such a repressive and stupid approach to sexuality, and that anyone would go along with it. Rather than a healthy relationship with one’s body with the positive health benefits of relieving stress, helping you sleep, and making you feel good, they see sensual self-pleasure as spiritual self-pollution. One night, driving back from a gig I accidentally tuned into Christian radio. I couldn’t turn it off. Grown men were calling in and crying about their masturbation addiction (a dick shunned). It was horrible. It was 2am and I was alone in the car with these late night dirty masturbators who were plagued with guilt, self-loathing and wanker’s remorse. One poor man was beside himself. He called himself ‘chronic’. He had been trying to stop for years. As he talked about his long, hard, battle with masturbation, his voice went all funny. Then he hung up. Then the announcer asked us all to pray for him. I was tempted to ring in to suggest the poor chap needed hands on healing. I can’t stop thinking about what it must be like attending a meeting of the Christian Mothers Against Masturbation. This group, who meet monthly, to stamp out self-gratification, spend the entire meeting talking about the evils of masturbating. First item on the agenda: The Sin Cave. Second: taking the batteries out of the doorbell… Surely after an hour or so they must feel the devil’s stirrings? Does Doris excuse herself to do a little hard-core private praying? The other mothers hear her religious ecstasy from the other room ‘Oh God Oh God Oh God – JESUS!’ Life is so ironic. Sometimes the biggest wankers, aren’t actually wankers at all.
16 The Byron Shire Echo `ƖōƷ ǩǰǽ ǩǧǩǧ
ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT MUSIC AT THE RAILS Music is back, in full swing, at the Rails every night of the week. The Leigh James Band play on Thursday, a surprise is in store is on Friday, and Tim Stokes will keep things stoked on Saturday night. Sunday sees Craig Atkins step up, with Monday’s music being delivered by Simon Meola. Tahlia Matheson cranks the tunes on Tuesday, and Wednesday it’s Jock Barnes. Sit down, have a beer, and enjoy your socially distanced freedom. Be glad you don’t live in Melbourne.
SEEKING ARTISTS FOR 2021 Northern Rivers Community Gallery (NRCG) is currently inviting exhibition applications across all art forms from artists, artist groups and curators for the 2021 exhibition program. NRCG provides a unique opportunity for artists to present works to new and diverse audiences in a beautiful heritage space. Complete your application online – visit www.nrcgballina.com.au and go to Apply to Exhibit. Applications close Sunday 30 August 2020. ON THE WALLS Northern Rivers Community Gallery (NRCG) Ballina is launching four exciting new exhibitions in August. Unconditional Stories is the visual exploration of the impact of illness and injury as experienced by patients and their caregivers recently discharged from Ballina District Hospital. Students from Lismore TAFE Creative Design and Ideation Faculty collaborated with patients to produce a range of artworks that reflect unique and personal stories of sickness and healing. Bruno Kortenhorst presents Boundlessness, a collection of photographs that explore the boundaries between inner and outer worlds, and are informed by Kortenhorst’s lifelong interest in meditation. Created
while on retreat in the desert at Uluru and Kata Tjuta, Kortenhorst uses an analogue pinhole camera that does not have a viewfinder. The process is intuitive and experimental, and the results have a dreamlike quality. Artist and art history lecturer Geoff Tolchard presents a series of drawings completed during lockdown. Tolchard uses animals as a metaphor for tolerance and hope. With the increasing depletion of nature, and the call for more conservation, his drawings can be seen as ‘single frame stories’. Artist, designer and photographer Michael Stiegler, recently returned here, after living and working in New York uses unconventional mixed media works to comment on excess in contemporary culture; portraying vulnerability, desire, anxiety and lust for consumption in a modern world. In On Orchard, ugliness and beauty coexist in his work, as they do in reality. His works combine art, fashion and photography with an energetic street appeal. All exhibitions open Wednesday 12 August 2020 and continue until Sunday 18 October 2020. For further information contact the Gallery on 6681 0530 or visit www.nrcgballina.com.au
THU 30 Du East 7.00pm FRI 31 Tuffy 3.00pm / Animal Ventura 8.00pm SAT 1 Dan Clark 1.00pm / John Foggon 4.30pm Majestic Knights 8.00pm SUN 2 Jock Barnes 1.00pm / Average Wright Band 4.30pm Harry Nichols 8.00pm MON 3 Ben Walsh 7.00pm TUE 4 Jason Delphin 7.00pm WED 5 Original Wednesdays 7.00pm
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