Healing Is Not Linear

art and words by: eboni wyatt

02-05-17 12:47pm “i’m not okay, you’re not okay, and that’s okay.”-elisabeth kubler-ross what i’m hanging hope on today: love the quote above is so connected to the idea that --scratch that-- belief that love is truly a verb. i believe that love has been the best medicine while i recover, heal and try to be better every day. i’m still struggling for sure, but love is pulling me through and over a little more each day. love is pulling me closer to my center. it’s pulling me back to my physical: my heartbeat, my breath, my strength, even my weaknesses. it’s pulling me towards romance, towards facing my fears and my truths. it’s pulling me towards the light.

ME. and best of all love is pulling me back into my heart. into healing, into growth and understanding. love is helping me bloom.

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02-06-17 8:36pm “if we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant.” -anne bradstreet what i’m hanging hope on today: clarity giggling at the quote above. it’s snowing like crazy in seattle, and it’s really making me miss my family. i have many fond childhood memories of the snow. winter has been dizzying, but the calm after the storm is giving me what i need, however desolate it may appear. winter is forcing me to retract back into someone i always knew was there. someone i always knew i could be. simply okay. i don’t have it all, but i’m gonna be alright. i’m starting to believe it. today i was formally diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder. i feel overwhelmed, but also grateful for the clarity and understanding this diagnosis is and will continue to give me.

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02-08-17 7:35pm “a positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.”-herm albright what i’m hanging hope on today: solidarity meeting with other individuals that are living and walking my experience is giving me a lot of hope. it’s helping me learn to love and also accept my flaws and the ones that need some changing. today’s quote above is fitting, as always. having and embracing a positive attitude is really assisting me in embracing how to truly BE BETTER and also why slowing down is so necessary. solidarity is also helping me learn how to be genuine and unafraid of my truth, which is that last month i wanted so desperately to check out from this world that i was unconsciously searching for a way out and i found one... but i also found my light through all that darkness, and i’m never letting it go.

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02-21-17 8:17pm “i told the doctor i was overtired, anxiety-ridden, compulsively active, constantly depressed, with recurring fits of paranoia. turns out i’m normal.”

-jules feiffer what i’m hanging hope on today: patience today i woke up feeling down and anxious. feeling like a failure. i was feeling my own pressure to be better already instead of grateful for the progress i’ve made in a month. i need to realize that if i’m going to get better i have to chill and be patient with myself. dealing with bipolar 1 disorder every day comes with its challenges. i just gotta again remember that i am normal. my big and small feelings are valid. that my brain is functioning differently, but i am still me. I AM STILL ME. i’m a little lost on who “me” is, but i’ll find them as i continue to explore who i am at my core.

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02-23-17 8:54pm “fear tastes like a rusty knife and do not let her into your house.”-john cheever what i’m hanging hope on today: peace of mind i couldn’t think of one word to describe how important this has become to me. i’m still in such a fragile state that i have to be diligent about maintaining peace in my life. fear will impede my mind with negative thoughts, others actions, society, etc., etc... but fear you are not welcome in my life. no more. no more worry filled thoughts that inhibit me from action. no more letting you in and win. you are not welcome. i am filled with so many beautiful thoughts, ideas, wit, hope and faith to let fear control and guide me. my dearest eboni, you are light... don’t let fear burn you out.

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03-01-17 8:10pm “if you feel you are in a black hole, don’t give up. there’s a way out.”

-stephen hawking what i’m hanging hope on today: new beginnings if the past two months have taught me nothing else, it’s that there is always room to grow and evolve. i’m in a transition, well a major transition and no matter what, i’m still here. i’m still standing despite the deep, dark hole i’ve been wading in a little too long. i need to look at every failure as an opportunity to try again. i need to remember to be patient and that i’m healing. be patient, e. your time is coming, just work for it. remember to forgive yourself daily for the black magic you conjure up in your mind. remember that you control the dream... you are the magician of your life.

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05-24-20 4:32pm “trust yourself. you know more than you think you do.”-benjamin spock what i’m hanging hope on today: trust For some reason, when i first started writing in this journal 3 years ago i skipped this page. maybe the universe knew i’d come back to this journal as someone who had truly grown through depression, anxiety and mania. maybe the universe knew i’d come back to this journal to reflect and create. i’m at a place in my life now where i truly do trust myself and follow my gut. i lived through 2 years of being deeply depressed, afraid and anxious about my future. i finally pulled myself through that and got a job. i worked through the anxiety that working brought. i saved my money and traveled home to seattle, and san diego. now i’m living through uncertain times again due to the coronavirus pandemic, and i’ve only come more into myself with all this free time. i’ve rediscovered my passion to create which is what lead me to find this old journal. i’m so proud of who i am and who i am becoming. trusting myself more and more each day.

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