E EVOLVING WOMAN MAGAZINE
BAH HUMBUG
+duquesa d. “this pandemic has officially become the cousin who can’t take a hint when it’s time to leave.”
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dean
“I Could Never Be Happy Stuck Between A Rock And A Hard Place”
HOLIDAY ISSUE 2021
SEPTEMBER 2021 (US)
TABLE OF CONTENTS —
04 06 E D I TO R S NOT E
P UB L IC S P E A KI N G I S A GR EAT WAY TO I N C R E A S E E X P OS U RE FO R YOU R BU S I N E S S W R ITTEN B Y: C H R I S T I E LOV E
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I AM AF F I R MAT I ON S FO R 2 0 22
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COPING WITH GRIEF DURING THE HOLIDAYS WRITTEN BY: GHANDI KNOWLES THOMPSON
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W E M US T B E W I L LI N G TO S TEP I N TO T H E UNK NOWN W R I T T E N B Y: JANI NE H U N T
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DEAR AUNT MAE
FOOD MEMORIES TRANSPORT US TO ANOTHER PLACE AND TIME WRITTEN BY: KRISTINA NICOLE
CONTACT US
E VO LV I N G WOM A N M AGA Z I N E WWW.DUQUESADEAN.COM — E D I TO R I A L DUQUESA D. DEAN EDITOR CO N T R I B U TO R S Christie Love Raquel S. Pinder Ghandi Knowles-Thompson Kristina Nicole Janine Hunt Precious Bethell
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C OV ER STORY W ITH D U QUESA DEA N
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EIGHT STEPS TO TAKE AFTER A BREAKUP WRITTEN BY: PRECIOUS BETHELL
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BAH HUMBUG WRITTEN BY: RAQUEL S. PINDER
EDITOR’S NOTE T’is the season to be jolly!
Holiday Season 2021 is upon us and boy did the year fly by! So much has happened this year. We have all been challenged to pivot to new demands, new expectations and experienced loss. This Christmas is still a time to be merry and bright! This is a special time to celebrate with our families, to create wonderful new memories, to live, to laugh and to show each other love. This time of year will be a hard one for many of us still dealing with the loss of those we dearly loved. We will miss their warm laughter, the sound of their voice, the jokes they shared and the meals they made. We can though, use this holiday to create a new tradition that honors the ones we lost as a way to keep their memory alive. This could be lighting a candle, creating a beverage or singing a song. There may be tears but there will also be the feeling of love and the reminder that he or she was here. What will you focus on this Holiday Season? Gift giving or memory making?
We leave the greatest gift we can ever give inside of those who remain after we are gone. It’s a gift no amount of money can purchase. It is the gift of our love. It is the legacy we leave inside of them; how we touched their hearts and their lives. I invite you to embrace this special kind of gift for Christmas 2021. Show your loved ones by your acts of kindness, thoughtfulness, helpfulness and consideration just how much you believe in them and how much you love them. Stamp their heart with “YOU”. No one will ever be able to take that away from them. People remember how we make them feel. That is how to leave your signature and your spirit with them. 2022 is almost here. It’s time to SHIFT! Shift from living life on anyone else’s terms. Shift to embracing your dreams and true desires. Shift to creating then building the life of your dreams. One thing I know for certain is that life is fickle. We have the moment we are in and nothing else is promised. It’s time to make the best out of every moment you’re granted. It’s time to show up and to live as the most authentic version of you. It’s time to make yourself happy. You deserve and are worthy of happiness! Merry Christmas to you and your family. May you experience all of the joys of the Holiday Season. May blessings run you down then knock you over. May your cup overflow. May you enjoy every blessing with a peace that cannot be described. May you find courage to live the life of your dreams as you accept how worthy, deserving and loved you are. All the best for 2022! You’ve got this!
PUBLI C SPEAKI N G I S A GREAT WAY TO I N CREASE EXPOSURE FOR YOUR BUSI N ESS Written by: Christie Love
“Everyone knows that public speaking is a great way to increase exposure for your business and get your message out to the world. But why do so many leaders shy away from being in the spotlight? Over the years of talking to leaders, I’ve heard every excuse imaginable. What if they judge me? What if they criticize me? Do I have impostor syndrome? Am I comparing myself to others? These are all lies we tell ourselves that allow us to remain small, stagnant, and stuck in life,” says Christie Love, MBA, Executive Communication & Connection Expert, award-winning speaker, author, and podcast host. E VO LV I N G WOM A N M AGA Z I N E - 6 -
I know this topic all too well and I spent far too much of my life and career allowing limiting beliefs to hold me back. I didn’t feel “good enough” to speak with high-powered business owners. I was the one sitting in the back of the room, avoiding others at all costs. I didn’t want to be seen or heard. I suffered from glossophobia, which is essentially stage fright. It’s the fear of speaking in public and ended up being the motivation for writing my new book, From Stage Fright to Super Star. It took a lot before I finally acknowledged that I had a problem, but once I decided to do something about it, I joined Toastmasters International. At first, it was the most frightening experience of my life, but I kept going back and doing it, again and again. After 18 years of perfecting my craft as a speaker, I can’t say enough about the doors and opportunities that open up once you become a better communicator. The best advice I can give to anyone who has a desire to speak to crowds or groups is to first understand your audience’s needs, then craft a message that not only shares your story but intertwines it in a way that helps them to apply your message to their lives. Next, is to develop the kind of stage presence that engages an audience to inspire and motivate them to want to change. These are called “power moves” and involve the way you engage with your audience through your eye contact, vocal inflection, body movements, and posture on the stage. To do this
effectively takes precise training practice and knowing your stuff, but anyone with a desire to become a dynamic speaker has the ability to make it happen.
Hearing these testimonies from clients is so rewarding to me! The key to becoming a better speaker and gaining more confidence is to stay committed and practice your skills every single day. I’ve As you develop your own per- done it and so have others I’ve sonal style of public speaking, it worked with. will be to your advantage to find as many platforms as possible, My mission is to guide millions offline or online, to start deliv- of people to break out of their ering your message. The main shells and get their messages out objective when speaking is to to the world. There are billions of learn the language of your listen- people online and I want to help ers and by doing this repeatedly, them overcome their limiting you will be able to easily add beliefs and negative thoughts, that into the message that you just as I did. Someone out there deliver, allowing you to better always needs a bit of motivation connect with your audience as a to keep them moving forward. speaker. My gift is to give back by helping people understand that they Now, I coach others in my own have the power to be anything business, Be Seen Be Loved. they want to be. I am excited any When my clients complete my time I get the opportunity to use programs and compare them- my skills to help others. selves to when they first started their speech coaching sessions, My motto is, “never give up and they can see a huge transforma- never quit.” It doesn’t matter if it’s tion in their confidence levels. For fear or a self-limiting belief that’s example, Tony Whatley, business holding me back, I’ve learned mentor, speaker, best-selling au- to continue moving forward no thor, and podcast host who came matter what. Don’t stop until to Christie to get help better en- you’ve perfected the skill that gaging an audience and has now you need to in order to help othgone on to make millions in his ers along the way. Becoming a speaking and coaching business. servant to others is the best way Tony says, for me to continue improving my craft. “Inspirational, high energy and helped me to discover my voice. Christie Love-Williams (www. When I began my journey to beseenbeloved.com), MBA, Exbecome a public speaker, I had ecutive Communication Coach, stage fright and avoided being an authority on communication in front of the camera. Christie and connection, award-winning helped me discover my voice. speaker, author, and podcast Now, I’ve been on TV, radio, and host of the Be Seen Be Loved stand on stages in front of thou- podcast. sands of people.” E VO LV I N G WOM A N M AGA Z I N E
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I AM AFFI R MATI O NS FOR 2022
We use affirmations to challenge and to overcome limiting beliefs. When the mind can conceive something, the heart can believe it. To remove old thoughts, we must replace them with new ones so that we can stand in our power. Affirmations work best when we are in a quiet space. If you are able to, use a mirror as you repeat these affirmations out aloud. Really listen to hear the words. Allow the sound of your voice to penetrate any boundaries you may have relative to topics. Hear and believe yourself.
I AM loved. I AM open to receive all the goodness that life has to offer I AM ready to accept love, happiness and joy into my life I AM brilliant and unique I AM powerful I AM proud of who I am I AM consistent in all that I do or say I AM always in the right place at the right time I AM constantly being offered new opportunities for success I AM becoming more and more successful every day. I AM ever expanding my belief of what’s possible. I AM excited to know that things are always working out for me I AM grateful that my success has no limits. I AM worthy of everything good in life. I AM doing the best I can. I AM tending to my desires and needs with grace and ease I AM loving myself more and more every day I AM surrounded by love I AM ever-evolving and ever-expanding I AM at peace with my past
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Photo by Pelageia Zelenina from Pexels
COPI N G WI T H GRI E F DURI N G THE HOLI DAYS Written By: Ghandi Knowles-Thompson
I remember it like yesterday. It was Friday November 24th, 2006 when I got the call asking me if I heard anything about my brother. That call made my heart sink. Although the caller did not say much, I just knew something terrible had happened. Perhaps it was the sound in her voice or the lateness of the hour, whatever it was, I knew the next call was about to bring bad news. A few seconds passed and then my phone rang again and this time the caller explained that they got news that my brother had been involved in a terrible motorbike accident. I was home alone because other family members had travelled for Thanksgiving so I tried to hold it together. I called a family friend who was periodically checking on me and we drove to the accident site. The area was spotless. Clearly the caller had it all wrong because there was little to no evidence that an accident had occurred when we arrived at the location the
caller described. My friend was also confused, he said, “call your brother’s cell phone again” and I did. Still no answer, I just knew then I had to go the hospital. He drove as fast as he could. When we arrived at the Hospital and asked if the ambulance had just brought a patient in who was involved in a motorcycle accident, the nurse looked at me and although he said no, no one had arrived, behind his eyes, I could tell there was more he wanted to say. I couldn’t just go home, so I thought to drive to the hospital’s morgue. As we pulled up, we saw a security guard locking up. He looked at us very confused and so I asked him if he received any bodies tonight. Not prepared to answer any questions from some random lady he politely replied, “Mam the morgue is closed, you can inquire on Monday?” Monday? Sir it’s Friday you can’t possibly expect someone to wait until Monday to inquiry about their loved one. E VO LV I N G WOM A N M AGA Z I N E
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I began to rationalize what was happening. I understood the importance of confidentiality in such a scenario but I also knew I needed confirmation. I needed to know if my brother had just died. I looked at the gentleman, and explained my mother had two children and that I had just received a call that my brother, was in an accident and had died. He looked at me and I knew he felt my pain. He didn’t say a word but I knew he felt my pain. I locked my eyes on his and said if I write a name on a piece of paper, would you nod to confirm that is the body you just received. I don’t remember how I got the paper but when the guard read the name on the paper it felt as if he took a minute before looking back at me. When he did look at me, he simply nodded his head and looked away. I fell in my friend’s arms as the tears rolled. The days, weeks and months ahead were difficult. So many questions, so much pain. Why
Lord, why him and not me? As time passed the support dwindled, questions remained unanswered, my brother was buried and life went on until it was Christmas Eve 2006. How could the holidays come and my brother be gone. Why didn’t the world stop to mourn my brother’s death? It was then that I realized that even during the worst tragedies, life continues. I wasn’t ready for Christmas. What was there to celebrate? How do I wake up on Christmas day without being able to call my brother? Despite my reluctance towards Christmas, the sun arose Christmas morning as it did every other day before. I could hear the laughter of others and the excitement in the air but I was empty. I hesitantly went down stairs and cried, and cried and cried. Family support was great but there was a void that no one could fill. In case you didn’t know, coping with loss during the holidays can be emotionally exhausting, and downright hard. Some days it is difficult to pray. Somedays you want company while other days you just want to be alone and then there are days where the loneliness is overwhelming because even though you are among others you are occupying a space that not many others can relate to. In retrospect, my process to healing took time. I prayed when I could, I cried when I
could and I forced myself to get out of bed and shower when I should. I looked for the good in those who called, stop by or checked in via email/social media. I went to church when I wanted and when I didn’t want to, I stayed home. I focused on good memories of my brother and gradually accepted that he was gone and I too had to move on with my life. I resisted jealousy whenever I saw other siblings enjoying each other. I repeated the one scripture that kept coming to me, “I will bless the Lord at all times his praise shall continually be in my mouth.” I went to work even though I didn’t find joy in working. I asked God and others all the questions I had surrounding my brother’s death. I shared my feelings with whomever asked and I accepted the offer to see a psychologist when a dear friend offer to pay for it since he realized I wasn’t my usual self. Therapy was good for me. It was vital to my wellbeing. I specifically remember one session that completely catapulted my healing. Somehow we got talking about love languages and in that session we unpacked that I had a lot of guilt about not expressing the full extent of my love for my brother, to my brother while he was alive. In that session, I accepted that verbalizing our love wasn’t something my brother and I did, but there were other ways we expressed
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our love to each other. I felt a physical weight released from me that day. Although after session there were times thoughts arose doubting that my brother knew how much I loved him but each time I chose to accept he did and if he didn’t know, as long as I had life, I had a lifetime to ensure others closest to me knew how much I cared. Weeks turned, into months, months turned into years, and although I previously hated both Thanksgiving (since my brother died the day afterwards) and Christmas (the first holiday after his death) I chose to celebrate fond memories of him and the gift of life I still have. With unanswered questions and all, I realized that little by little, every small step I took to receive the grace, love and healing extended to me were steps that brought me closer to my healing. Holidays without a love one are difficult but you can survive and in time you can celebrate them again. Acknowledge and share your thoughts and emotions when you care to. Know that it is okay to ask for support or seek professional help. Be patient with your process, resilient in your forward steps despite how small and positive in your thoughts; never losing hope and if so, not for long. Healing comes to us in different ways and times but remain open to live, love and laugh again.
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Photo by Kindel Media from Pexels
WE MUST BE WI L LI N G TO STEP I N TO THE UNKNOWN Written by: Janine Hunt
There are two paths to evolution: the conscious choice to evolve and grow, and the slow, inexorable grind of evolution that pulls everything and everyone along with it.
To Control Your Alcohol”, if in- and left me fascinated: terested.)
So I quit drinking, and thought all my problems were resolved. But in reality, it was just the first step in a journey to a higher Readers here will be on the first level of well-being I had no inpath, an accelerated path. And kling was even possible. although the path ahead can seem daunting and unsure, Fortunately, each step takes us the reality is that we need only to a higher vantage point from know the next step ahead, and which we can access higher we will be able to move forward wisdom, free of the limitations with ease and confidence in of the past. our direction, knowing that the For me, I needed to heal myself step after that will be revealed of the self-hatred, shame and in good time. lack of self-esteem that were revealed when the alcohol was Many years ago, I knew what no longer obscuring their presmy next step ahead was. Naive- ence. Honestly, it was ugly in ly, I thought it was the answer there! I was a mess! I thought, to all of my problems, and that afterwards I would be sorted. “There’s got to be more to life Oh, how wrong I was! than this!”
“Matter is spirit at its lowest point of manifestation and spirit is matter at its highest.” And thus began my study of the Ageless Wisdom, the spiritual teachings and the timeless principles at the heart of all spiritual traditions.
I also began to practice mindfulness and to meditate daily. And although I had not yet completed my naturopathy training, I became so fascinated by the power of the mind to free us of our hangups and unwanted habits and behaviours that I trained as a hypnotheraYou see, I used to be a drinker. I I began seeking solace and pist. was a party girl. I loved my wine. meaning in life. And I found But it was becoming increas- them. Today all the roads of my life ingly obvious that I could not have converged in my work carry on like that without in- My healing began in earnest and service in the world, to help flicting serious damage on my following a weekend silent re- others liberate and uplift thembody. Something had to give. treat at a mindfulness centre. I selves. went from being an atheist disOnce I made that decision, the illusioned with the state of the Each step leads us to greater solution to that problem, that I world, to a reluctant spiritual freedom, to who we are meant had been unsuccessfully trying seeker. to be. In this way, as it is said to manage for years, came to in the Ageless Wisdom, we beme and I was able to quit with I had this burning desire to come the path. ease, to truly liberate myself understand the nature of exisfrom the desire to drink. tence and the meaning of life If I were to offer my top recombeyond what I was finding in mendation to move forward It was like a miracle! And it came the books of the time, when the on the path of conscious evothrough a book, of all things! following quotation by Helena lution, it could be condensed (See Allen Carr’s “The Easy Way Blavatsky came to my attention
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simply to Know Thyself. Know where you are now. Know what you need to release. Know where you want to go. Above all, know who you really are. (HINT: A divine being incarnated in a physical vehicle to express your divine qualities on the physical plane. ;)
This ability to observe then translates into your daily life, freeing you from your knee-jerk reactions and conditioning from the past, as you are free to choose new ways of expressing yourself. That’s the thing with conscious evolution. We must be willing to step into the UNknown or we will continue to create our lives from our past For these I know of no better solution than mind- wounds, history and stories, many of which are fulness and meditation. unconscious beliefs. Mindfulness allows you to live in the present, rath- Swiss psychologist Carl Jung said, “Until you make er than festering about the past or projecting fear the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and worry into the future. and you will call it fate.” In meditation, all of your thoughts and beliefs are paraded in front of your consciousness. You’ll be surprised what you find there! I know I was! I was appalled at what I discovered lurking in there. It was not pretty!
When we open to the unknown, we create our lives afresh. As we choose the path of conscious evolution, each moment is pregnant with limitless potential.
If you’re ready to transform your well-being, you When you meditate, you cultivate what’s known can find Janine Hunt online at TheInspirationin the Ageless Wisdom, as the attitude of the de- Cloud.com where you can access loads of free tached observer. downloads to get help you on your way, listen to Janine’s Sort Yourself Out Podcast, and join her This is what I call the minor miracle of meditation, membership BetterThanHappyZone.com where where you become able to observe your thoughts Janine teaches powerful techniques and practices and you realise that ARE NOT your thoughts. You to master your mind and emotions, free yourself of ARE NOT your emotions. You are the OBSERVER of what’s holding you back, expand your consciousyour thoughts and emotions. ness and nourish your soul.
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Dear Aunt Mae,
I fear Christmas Celebrations this year since it is my first holiday since my husband moved out. Many of my friends are already making plans about Christmas Dinner and I haven’t been able to make any preparations. I have so many questions? Why did he betray me like this? Couldn’t he have waited until after holidays? Will I have the children, or does he expect to have them? Should I make plans to travel with the kids and start a new family tradition? How will I explain him not coming to the family dinner when many of my family members don’t even know that we are separated. Every time I begin to think about what my Christmas will look like my stomach turns. Please help Aunt Mae, do you have any advice to help me navigate the pending holidays?
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Dear Evolving Woman, I am so sorry to learn about your recent separation. I really wish I could hug you and be there for you physically to support you as holidays can be tough when we are forced to navigate a new path that is outside our comfort zone. Luckily, it has been done before and so we have hope that just as others have forged ahead, so can you. The first thing I would suggest you do is to carve out some quiet time and ask yourselves these questions: • Now that I can no longer celebrate the holidays as I did in the past, what options are available for me? You can also allow your children to add to the options. • What are the pros and cons of the various possibilities? • What are the financial and emotional ramifications of each option? • Who else near to me has traversed this same road that I can possibly learn from? Keep in mind that you may have to still pilot your journey differently. • Is my tribe available to me now and am I ready to share with them my concerns? As you sort through your answers, and you begin to discern your course of action, remember to be kind and patient with yourself. It’s not easy to pivot after betrayal, but one thing Aunt Mae is confident of, God’s grace is sufficient. This first Christmas may be emotionally challenging, but you can get through it. Hold onto the grace that comes your way in this season. Smile when the opportunity arises. Laugh out loud when you see something funny and celebrate all the small blessings that you encounter this yuletide season. Christmas does not have to be the way it always was to be fun and exciting. Every day is “A New Day” so enjoy as best you can this new season and trust that God’s grace is sufficient to help you through it.
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Dear Aunt Mae,
I recently got engaged and I am so excited about starting a new life with my fiancée. I just have once concern, should we have a big wedding or a small wedding? 2021 was a tough financial year for both of us and while we are both back to work, I don’t know if this is the best time to spend all our savings on the dream wedding I envisioned from a child. Dear Evolving Woman, Congratulations on your engagement! Weddings are a big deal but, in my opinion, marriages are even a bigger deal. Your concern about having a big or a small one is a tricky one because the question of big or small is a relative one. A $10,000.00 wedding budget for some is a small one while for someone else it could be viewed as a big budget. On the flip side I also believe that everyone should have the wedding they dreamed of, not sure if anyone should deter someone from having their most special day exactly as they imagined. Nonetheless Evolving woman, I feel compelled to remind you that there is still a lot of economic uncertainty ahead due to the COVID-19 pandemic. I would also ask you to consider your wedding
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budget as only a greater part of your overall marital life. By that I mean, make sure you factor in various unplanned financial scenarios that can occur immediately after the wedding. These uncertainties can include you or your spouse being terminated from work or becoming sick for months without earning a salary. Other scenarios to consider: Are you both financially prepared to have a child earlier than planned? Beautiful and/or elaborate wedding celebrations create priceless memories, but they can also incur great debt. Discuss with your fiancée your financial position and together you both should decide the best way to plan for your future together. I may add that anniversary celebrations when the time is right can be equally memorable. Remember delayed does not mean denied.
Food Memories Transport Us to Another Place and Time Written by: Kristina Nicole
I never realized the power of a food memory until I moved away from home. The food I ate all the time, that was around me constantly, was suddenly no more. They were replaced by smells and tastes that were enjoyable, but different. So, I did what I always do when I crave something that isn’t readily available. I went to the kitchen! I baked, I cooked and baked some more, because I missed home. I missed the smells that surrounded the house on a Sunday morning, when my grandmother cooked dinner for everyone. I missed the desserts that I could easily get at home, but what I think I missed most of all were the memories. The food that I ate, and the smells that I inhaled transported me back home and I could recall things that happened years past as if it happened yesterday. Food memories are the result of our five senses coming together to paint a picture that’s more vivid than other memories, and I feel we are more susceptible to them during the holidays. The food we eat year after year during this season triggers more food memories than we can imagine. Christmas time is one of the busiest times of the year, not just professionally but personally as well. While clients may have specific requests, more often than not, the amount of food and desserts I make for family and friends triples during this season. Food creates community by bringing us to the table at breakfast, lunch or dinner time and allows us to have conversations, to bond and to create precious memories. These occasions may not fix our problems, but they allow us the opportunity to discuss those problems and figure out how to move forward. Christmas 2020, for the first time, I was away from my family, and because of the pandemic, many of us didn’t get to see or spend time with our families. We didn’t have those moments to laugh together, mend bonds and connect with family and friends whom we hadn’t seen in a while. We were separated from the ones we loved and left on our own.
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Missing home and my family, in the comfort of my own home I baked, way more than necessary, because I did not stop to think who would eat all this food. I just knew I had to do something to fill the void. I made a stuffed turkey, because what were the holidays without it? I made coconut tart because the islander in me demanded something tropical. I made sugar cookies that reminded me of the Christmas tree that we bought every year. We decorated it as if we were artists and the tree our muse. They reminded me of my brother telling me there’s no such thing as Santa Clause and how I confronted my mother with the nagging thought in my mind that he was right. I made gingerbread cookies and the first thing I thought about was family caroling at my house a few years ago, when my aunt tasted them and kept calling them “ginger boys”. She talked about how much she loved those “ginger boys.” To me, that was the funniest thing ever, because I had never heard them referred to as such. Not ginger men, but ginger boys, because to her it was inconceivable that the cute little desserts could be considered men. It’s that time again and as orders begin flooding in and as exhausted as I am from the late nights and early mornings, I’m reminded that this season is also a time for reflection. It’s not about the presents under the tree: even though they’re an added bonus. The season is about love, our love of God, family and friends. We are but moments in time. Moments that have shaped us and helped us become the people we are today. Food memories can be powerful, because the smell or taste of something can transport you to another date and time. They remind us of special moments in our past, and the holidays have so many memories because we spend so much time with our loved ones. I encourage you to spend this time with loved ones and drink a glass of eggnog and eat a gingerbread cookie…or five, because these moments will become memories that last forever. Merry Christmas, and Happy Holidays, from my kitchen to yours. Let’s stay connected: https://www.instagram.com/kristinanicole_official/
duquesa dean Cover Queen: Founder of Evolving Woman Magazine, Author & Speaker
I Could Stuck B And A
d Never Be Happy Between A Rock A Hard Place We have more power that we give ourselves credit for. In many instances, we give our power up because we worry about our career progression, our families and even our friends. We struggle with the “should” of society, peers and friends and put our dreams on the back burner. We even question our purpose in life. Many of us feel like we have something bigger to achieve and we struggle with the inner turmoil of what we want versus what they want. My mom, loved me so much. Sometimes her love was so great it became overprotective. It’s awesome to have been loved so deeply and sometimes, because of that love, I didn’t want to hurt her by doing the things I really wanted to do because of her fears about them. I guess you could call me a mom pleaser. But, there I was, dying (figuratively and literally) on
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a corporate job that stifled me. I loved some components of the work I did, but, the passion I had started the job with was dead. My creativity was stifled, the culture was bad and stringent rules limited how well I could actually perform my job. I remember, one day, sitting at my desk, daydreaming about what I really wanted to be and do. I could see me facilitating workshops and holding retreats. I visualized myself, coaching and supporting women. My then boss walked by and commented about the happy look on my face. She was so glad to see it. It was in that moment that I realized that I could never be happy if I felt stuck between a rock (my mom’s fears) and a hard place (my job). So I decided to take a chance on me. I quit corporate and after that I worked with top businesses and top tier leaders and general employees, doing exactly what I loved to do; helping to build work cultures that employees would be happy in, guiding leaders on how to connect and drive team performance as well as helping organizations lift their customer service levels. As a result of this, I felt alive, vibrant, like I was making a difference, my life actually had meaning in comparison to flat, stifled creativity. None of this would have been possible if I hadn’t made that one small decision to commit to myself and my dreams. What is one small decision that you can commit to sticking with in 2022? After making this decision, here are some suggestions to achieve that goal: 1. Align yourself with an accountability partner and a mentor. Share your plan for growth with them and ask them to hold you accountable to it. Schedule
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4. 5.
regular meetings with them (my suggestion is at least monthly) to review your progress towards achieving that goal. Create a vision board. Place it in an area where you will see it every single day. On your vision board, place picture images and words related to the goals you are working towards. On weekly basis, review your goal. Examine the actions you’ve taken towards achieving your goals. Assess where you may have procrastinated, delayed or any time you may have wasted and determine the steps you will take the following week to be more focused on your goals. Examine your successes and make those actions steps habits. Assess your failures. This is where you will experience tremendous learning. Take the experience and use it to avoid making the same mistakes in the future. Become a mentor to someone else who also has an interest in this goal. Sharing your life experiences with others help you to grow. As a mentor, you assist another individual navigate life. You are a listening ear, you ask probing questions and you help to guide a young adult through some of the most challenging times of their
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lives. It’s a win-win situation as both individuals learn and grow together. 6. Read daily. It is often said that knowledge is power. Read books that help you and challenge you to develop. 7. Have fun. Yes set aside some time to enjoy life. Life is about balance so find some time to spend with your family, friends and to do activities that make you happy. As I conclude, I’d like to ask you to ponder a few questions that I myself have answered. Where do you want to go in life? What direction do you want to go in? What’s the farthest you can imagine going? How long will this take? I’d love to be your coach and accountability partner on your 2022 journey. Email me at Duquesa@duquesadean.com to book a FREE clarity call. https://www.linkedin.com/in/duquesadean/ https://www.facebook.com/duquesaddean
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Eight Steps to take After a Breakup Written by: Precious Bethell
The dating world can be immensely joyous as it can be immensely petrifying, especially when we get to the big B word- Breakups. What is proven to be even more dreadful is when you’ve put your ALL into the relationship. You’ve sacrificed, you’ve put your partners’ needs before your own, one too many times, to still be left with NOT A THING - NOTHING! Sucks right? Breakups, however, are a part of life. We don’t wish to experience the gut-wrenching feeling of losing the person we have planned our whole lives with; discussing cute baby names and picking out wedding dresses and even skimming over housing plans. Boy, do we get in deep! Yet, we must wake up and smell the coffee. BREAKUPS HAPPEN.
But…….. Hallelujah! THERE IS HOPE. The following eight steps will have you feeling like you “took a pill in Ibiza” in no time.
GRIEVE The first step is to allow yourself time to grieve. Do not try to hold it in. Studies show that those who give themselves time to heal are better able to move on. Scream if you want. Play those 90s slow jams and cry it out if you want to. Trust me, “Doing Just Fine” by Boyz II Men is sure to do the trick. (winks)
CUT THEM OFF...COMPLETELY “But I don’t wanna” - But you have to. The next step is to Unfriend. Unfollow. Delete. This is considered a Band-Aid effect. It is important to do this because it is not healthy to continue to have them in your view, as it can bring back old memories. It is okay if you have decided to remain friends and of course, forgive, but if the breakup is tough, you must get the romance out of your system, unless you will find yourself “jonesing” for a call after seeing an inviting picture. Then you’re back at square one.
DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF (Well... even if you are to really blame. Lol)
Accept it for what it is. Do not take that burden on. Of course, you should acknowledge what you may have done wrong and work on correcting those behaviors for future relationships, but do not dissolve yourself in the pain of what-ifs and should-haves, would haves, could haves. It takes two people to make a relationship work.
GIVE OF YOUR TIME I know you may be saying “After all the time I’ve already given, I don’t wanna give another (expletive, expletive) of my time”. And I get that. Totally. But honestly, I’m not referring to dating or romantic relationships. Give your time to the community.
Get involved. Help out in the local church if you’re religious or simply join a club. It takes your mind off of things for a while and can help you to gain your sense of self-worth. Give your time to someone else without expecting reciprocation.
losing your love may return. However, it MAY NOT. Be spontaneous and enjoy the joys of this life.
DO NOT RUSH INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP
TALK TO A TRUSTED FRIEND OR A COUNSELOR
I know the old clichéd saying “If you want to get over someone, get under someone else”.
Oh Boy, the big TALK! Yes. Talk it out. Tell someone whom you can trust how much it hurts. Tell them how much you may want to break something. BREAK SOMETHING (or not) but talking does help. It helps you to get a load off of your chest, it helps you to reflect, and sometimes, gives you some noteworthy insight that you haven’t thought about before. IT HELPS!
I am aware that everyone heals at a different pace but allow yourself at least one to two months (I really mean more than that) to get back into the dating game after having your heart ripped to pieces. You don’t want to have your judgment clouded due to heartbreak and you definitely do not want to be on the rebound.
REDISCOVER YOURSELF “But I already know who I am. What more rediscovery do I need?” Yeahhh I know. But after a devastating breakup, it is important to take a step back and reflect on YOU because chances are, you may have lost yourself in the relationship. Make a list of the things that most excite you! Yes! Write that list!
EXPLORE AND HAVE FUN Pick one of the things off of the list that most excites you and like, Nike says “JUST DO IT!” Getting out of the house to go on an adventure with friends, whether it be a little drive to go sightseeing or engaging in your favorite activity that makes you laugh, can be extremely therapeutic. Of course, after the day has ended, the grief of
DON’T DO IT!
So......... breathe. Delight in the beauty of singleness; of not having to pour so much into another. Besides, you don’t want to have two exes to get over if this new relationship doesn’t work out. Be single for a while and REVEL IN IT. Yes, breakups suck! They are hard. But after all that I’ve experienced, I know that there is NOTHING that you can’t overcome. Follow these few steps, put on Shenseea’s “Rebel” or Wale’s “Break Up Song” and “LET. IT. BURN.”
Photos by Andrea Piacquadio from Pexels
BAH HUMBUG Written By: Raquel S. Pinder
Captains Log—day eleventeen million three hundred and sixty-five—this pandemic has officially become the cousin who can’t take a hint when it’s time to leave. Rona has made herself at home and looks to be sticking around for Christmas. “The most wonderful time of the year,” my foot. I could feel my curmudgeonly displeasure bubbling. My gag reflex was steady building as I could foresee my timeline flooded with matching pajamas and a bazillion “I said yes” under the mistletoe. Suddenly, my thoughts of Christmases past were met with the harsh present-day reality that I still had no family of my own. (Sigh) Bah Humbug! The longer I pondered, the more I got irritated. The mere thought of attending the family gathering alone, again, was about to give me the heebie-jeebies. In fact, any social outing where I’d face an opportunity to be grilled by all the insensitive people would feel like a job interview—and one I didn’t land at that. I was honestly not interested in being reminded that I was getting older by the second. Nor did I need an update that my womb has somehow shriveled up and become utterly useless (at least that’s how they’d make you feel). And there it was, the thought that made me feel the need to fill the void. I was about five seconds from texting what’s-his-face, “Hey bighead,” when I got an alert—scrolling through my contacts, about to pull up his number, and BAM! The ‘A sprinkle of Jesus’ app notification flashed across the screen. (SMT) Even before I read it, I knew it would be something that
tugged at my heart and would nudge me in a different direction. There it was, staring back at me, “Reach for Jesus, like you reach for your phone!” Ugghhh!!! I saw that and immediately knew I was about to have a come-to-Jesus moment sooner than I wanted. That message made me aware my heart was compromised, and I was about to make a long-term decision based on a temporary feeling. Pique down and don’t beat me with your “OhEm-Gee, I thought she was a Christian stick!” Cause sometimes, Christians are the ones most disgruntled. My un-Christ-like thoughts and unwarranted feelings were not a fire drill. I needed to drop everything and find the nearest exit, stat! I went to my secret place and began to talk with Jesus. The more I spoke, the more I realized how my focus on Christmas had become so skewed. After all, nothing exposes holiday discontent like hearing Jingle Bells, right? “What’s so merry about Christmas?” you may ask, especially when you’re feeling alone, even in a room full of people. I can attest to how easy it is to see what you don’t have because you’re watching the lives of others, seemingly enjoying all that you want. I know one thing to be true, it’s easy to admire that the neighbour’s grass is green, especially when you’re not the one putting in the work to water it. Which is
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to say, it’s easy to focus on what you believe you want; only soon after you get it, you’ll see you’re not as prepared for what it takes to keep it. So I ask, “What are your eyes fixed on?” If you’re continually scrolling on social media all day, watching what someone has and not taking the time to appreciate where you are, you’ll forever be miserable. If this pandemic has taught me anything, it’s how much I can do without. I get how Christmas seems like a reminder of what you lack and how God has not come through. But I challenge you to shift your perspective. What if God did exactly what He said He’d do? I had to ask myself, “What if being single at Christmas meant He’s preserved me?” Amidst my come-to-Jesus moment, it was like all the Ghosts of Christmas Past had visited me at once. There I was thinking of all the ex’s who are perhaps now sending out their Christmas family portraits. Yet, I hadn’t taken the time to realize and appreciate that I am doing all the things I imagined as a child.
I’d forgotten about all the times 10-year-old-me looked through the Xerox catalogue, picking the perfect desk and chair, thinking about how I would one day have my own business. I had forgotten how I told God all I ever wanted to be was a writer. It hadn’t even dawned on me how I always wanted to share my story to encourage others. All, no longer a dream but my reality. There I was, minimizing all the answered prayers but magnifying a position that was never my sole goal, to begin with, all because I had my focus on someone else’s life. Believe me, when I say Christmas is the opportune time to readjust your focus. Don’t be a Scrooge mumbling “Bah Humbug” under your breath and walking around like a sourpuss, wondering why everyone else is happy and you ain’t. Rid yourself of that weight of comparison so that you can experience the joy of Christmas. If the meaning of Christmas is Christ, then in the words of Scrooge, “I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.” and to that, I add, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere if Jesus isn’t there.
www.duquesadean.com
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