Chomicle 2026

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ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-FIRST YEAR, TOO MANY ISSUES

DUKE TO FINAL FOUR Surprise!

It’s April Fools’ Day, which can only mean one thing: The Chronicle’s evil, satirical twin, The Chomicle.

This is the best reporting we’ve done all year! In case you couldn’t tell, everything in this issue is satire.

READ MORE: Duke alum Richard Nixon conspicuously silent on war in Iran Tuition increases to fund dialysis program for frat hazing incidents Too ‘Slim’? This Duke basketball star huffs Wegovy Students shocked to discover art museum inside Nasher Café

By Holl E. Choke The Chomicle

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ASHINGTON — It was a beautiful day in the nation’s capital, with clear skies and a gentle breeze rolling through the cherry blossoms of Washington D.C. — and inside Capital One Arena, it was even lovelier!

With 0.4 seconds remaining and UConn desperately clawing back, Cayden Boozer received the inbound pass and did exactly what any championship-caliber point guard should do: he held the ball.

He held it tight. He held it like a man who had read every scouting report, studied every tendency, and concluded that the absolute safest thing to do with four-tenths of a second on the clock was absolutely nothing.

Ball game. Duke won, 72-70. The Blue Devils are going to the Final Four.

“I could not be more proud and feeling for our guys,” head coach Jon Scheyer said, smiling and

wiping away tears of joy. “I have all the words.”

Early on, it seemed that UConn wouldn’t get anywhere with an icy 3-point attack. With seven minutes remaining, Silas Demary Jr. sought to change that, drilling treys on consecutive possessions from each corner to cut the lead to 67-64.

A Solo Ball and-one sent UConn players running onto the court and Dan Hurley into hysterics.

Big-time players showed up in big-time moments, and both Cameron Boozer and Alex Karaban rose to the challenge. Karaban drilled a triple to push the lead to one. Boozer converted inside to make it 72-69.

Demary then split a free throw to bring it to 72-70 with 10 seconds left — setting the stage for Cayden Boozer’s legendary act of stillness.

On the inbound, the Huskies denied every Duke attempt to get open. Boozer finally secured the ball at midcourt. A pass to Demary was briefly considered, a drive to the

kinda serving the University since 1905

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Photo by Lena Nguyen basket was briefly considered, and then — nothing.

Cayden Boozer simply stood there, a portrait of quiet confidence, letting the clock expire with the composure of a man who understood that sometimes, greatness means knowing when not to do anything at all.

UConn’s Liam Mullins stood nearby, wide open beyond the arc, watching. He would not be getting the ball. Dan Hurley began to yell expletives.

“Honestly, this whole year has been a huge blessing,” Cameron Boozer said afterward, one eye swollen, both eyes red. “We’re just such a connected group. I’m so proud of my little bro.”

Duke advances to face the winner of the other regional semifinal.

Cayden Boozer is expected to hold the ball there, too, should the situation call for it.

@dukechronicle @dukebasketball

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‘I love women’: First male Baldwin Scholar reflects on experience with program Lockheed Martin, Palantir to cosponsor Pratt ‘ethics for engineers’ initiative Scheyer seen carrying suspiciously NIL-shaped object OPINION: This column wasn’t written with AI — it was the product of thoughtful human

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©2026 The Chronicle

2 | WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2026

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The Chronicle

‘We’ll make Jan. 6 look like a birthday party’: Losing DSG candidates incite insurrection

By Birthday Boy! The Chomicle

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osers of Duke Student Government’s presidential election urged their supporters to violently storm the Duke Chapel Wednesday in an attempt to overturn the results of the election and prevent the newly elected president from taking office.

The incident came after a new collaboration between the Office of Information Technology and DSG. The two launched a live election results tracker this year that posted vote tallies as they came in.

Candidates called the live updates “strange” and “magic,” and accused OIT of “finding” votes in the periodic updates Tuesday evening in an effort to “rig” the election.

“We were up BIG, but they are trying to STEAL the election,” one anonymous supporter posted to Fizz, generating over 2,000 upvotes.

“STOP THE STEAL,” another

A very real photo of the scene in front of the Chapel Wednesday.

poster added.

Following the announcement of the election results late Tuesday evening, the three losing candidates each released statements questioning the election’s integrity, including the use of mail-in ballots. All three

also filed election lawsuits with DSG’s Judiciary early Wednesday morning, which has five to ten business days to schedule a hearing on the supposed election fraud.

As the DSG Senate met to certify the results of the election,

the three losing candidates held a rally on Abele Quad. At the urging of one candidate, who promised supporters, “I’ll be there with you,” and “we’ll make January 6th look like a birthday party,” the mob marched to the Chapel, ramming open its doors.

On Fizz, more reports and images flooded in throughout the evening, including videos of one candidate reading the Duke Code of Conduct from the Chapel’s pulpit and another candidate leaning back in the chair of the Dean of the Chapel.

As darkness fell, the orange, pink and purple hues of a Durham sunset tinted by clouds of tear gas and smoke, protestors continued to clash with the Duke University Police Department and local authorities.

One supporter who had broken into the Chapel’s carillon played “Do You Hear the People Sing?” on the Chapel bells, as another supporter, who had climbed the 239 steps to the top, slowly waved an American flag back and forth, upside down.

Administrators contract with Ozempic to consult on belt-tightening

By Slimothy Weitlos August 7, 2025

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uke announced a new contract with Ozempic to consult on slimming the University’s finances as part of a broader ongoing costcutting initiative.

Ozempic, a GLP-1 drug that slows digestion and curbs appetite, will be a model as Duke aims to become a “skinny legend,” according to President Vincent Price.

Duke has financed cost-cutting in a number of ways since it announced the measure last year.

As of Wednesday, Duke Parking and Transportation will charge 8k for a reserved miracle lot spot in Blue Zone. Duke also defunded workout classes at Wilson Gym, replacing all group fitness instead with a SolidCore voucher program — a change celebrated by sororities across campus.

Duke also raised its cost of attendance to nearly $100,000 for the 2026-2027 academic year.

While students and faculty alike were sure the tuition hike would support area studies programs, the money will in fact fund a new dialysis program for Greek life hazing incidents.

“The measure is solely

preventative, I swear,” Price insisted.

In addition to the changes, Duke’s Department of Student BMI and Social Media Preparedness expects to cut back WU’s food offerings to only the ice machines and free-of-charge single-almond dispensaries.

“Providing students with the affordable nutrition they need to carry out their day and look their best while doing it is a top priority for us,” said Anita Shott, assistant director for student glow-ups.

Duke also laid off over 30 subject librarians in the Fall as part of cost-cutting measures. Since then, Duke has encouraged laid-off librarians to volunteer in Durham public schools, citing “historic investment in Durham.”

Duke initiated cost-cutting in response to demands and monetary threats from the federal government, led by President Donald Trump and top political adviser Stephen Miller, Trinity ‘07.

At the forefront of their agenda was pressuring universities to cut DEI initiatives, international student enrollment and reliance on

federally funded research.

Duke has shifted to an “exclusive excellence” policy to align with Miller and Trump’s objectives to avoid federal investigation and further funding cuts. Price denies the political objective in costcutting, though.

“It’s really just about being skinny,” he said. “Everyone’s taking the fat shot drug these days.”

Already, Duke has adopted

MAHA rhetoric by eliminating seed oils and food dyes. This part isn’t actually a joke, and it’s why the Kraft mint milkshakes are no longer green, in case you were wondering.

The Ozempic partnership also comes on the heels of Duke’s Elite Eight loss, with atheltic department sources confirming they will adopt the Ozempic model in an effort to “slim down expectations.”

The Chronicle

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WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2026 | 3

Duke announces 2026 Commencement Speaker is going to be jerry Seinfeld

By DNA Aespa The Chomicle

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he Class of 2026 will see a big name walk across the stage at the May 10 commencement ceremony.

And no, it will not be Aaron Dinin.

The speaker will speak to the “interdisciplinary” education students have received and serve as a beacon for how they should engage in “civil discourse” beyond their time at Duke.

The announcement did not come at the Duke vs. UNC game — not because administration wasn’t ready but because they did not want to steal the thunder from the hop-shooting Blue Devils.

And, I know all of this because Vincent Price told me.

Let me back up a minute. That statement may require some diligent explaining.

On March 1, I was added to a Signal group chat by a user called “Adam Silver.” As a cautious journalist that has already been threatened with legal action, I was skeptical. Someone could have been impersonating the Board of Trustees chair as an attempt to bait me.

But I stayed in the group chat anyways, hoping that maybe it was the real Adam Silver and he wanted to tell me that DKU was shutting down, Price was leaving to be the president of Florida or that Duke wanted to

further tighten its belt by replacing staff with AI bots.

For two days, I heard nothing.

Then the texts started raining in.

“I worry that the national broadcast media won’t recover from this,” texted a user by the initials of V.P. (the initials match those of Vincent Price, the President of Duke).

“Yes, I agree with Vince, this is an earth-shattering announcement. Nina King will be so mad we stole the show,” replied a user by the initials of F.T. (whose initials match those of Frank Tramble, the vice president of communications, marketing and public affairs).

I was immediately intrigued. If these were trolls, their command of nicknames and mimicry of the mindset of Duke administrators was impressive. Then, when they didn’t announce the speaker that faithful Saturday, I knew the group chat was real.

I wish I understood why I was added. Did they want me to know? Was it an accident?

If it was the latter, the use of Signal by the administration to discuss topics of such sensitivity was unprecedented. I called my lawyer who told me to leave the

chat immediately. I didn’t listen.

Over spring break I got the text I had been waiting for: “I completely forgot about this, we have to announce this NOW,” the user called V.P. wrote.

“Let’s just have them dress up as a

Blue Devil and reveal themselves on the stage. Everyone already knows who it is,” Adam Silver replied.

Other suggested commencement speaker names suggested in the Signal chat include me, you, DukeGPT, Jerry Seinfeld again, and Stephen Miller.

Exclusive look at the 2026 commencement speaker.

Peter Feaver negotiates 3-state solution within hour-long AGS talk

By Alabama National Park

one-hour Duke American Grand Strategy Program lecture Tuesday evening, leaving the final 13 minutes of the meeting for audience questions about internship networking.

Attendees stated that Feaver opened with a Google Slideshow

titled “Quick Solutions,” followed by a brief aside on his credibility, n what faculty are calling along with a binding multilateral “a modest but promising agreement that diplomats start,” Peter Feaver reportedly described as “surprisingly well orchestrated a comprehensive footnoted.” three-state solution to the Middle “I thought we were just going East conflict during a routine to talk about game theory,” said junior Rich Witmoney, who now technically serves as deputy foreign minister of the newly recognized third state.

In an Instagram DM from President Vincent Price to The Chomicle, Price confirmed that the University’s campus briefly became the epicenter of global diplomacy, with media organizations ranging from Fox News to The Daily Tar Heel scrambling to get comment from Feaver on his momentous achievement.

The AGS program has since received widespread acclaim for achieving what decades Professor Peter Feaver during the negotiation, seconds before being awarded the Nobel of diplomacy could not.

Peace Prize. AGS then stood up and clapped.

The Chomicle

I

“This is exactly what we envisioned when we funded higher education,” last year’s commencement speaker, a major donor to Duke, said.

Applications to the program surged immediately, with applicants citing its “hands-on approach to solving geopolitical crises while eating catering from Guasaca.”

As the lecture concluded, Feaver casually announced a follow-up initiative: the construction of an “Iron Dome” over West Campus to intercept any retaliation efforts.

“Implementation will be straightforward,” Feaver said. He also stated that he would be using “all the funds [they] saved from firing all those people a couple months ago.”

With the remaining 13 minutes, students berated Feaver with internship concerns, and in response, Feaver directed them all to close friend Stephen Miller, stating that “any and all questions should go to him; he can get you all a spot on The Hill.”

4 | WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2026

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The Chronicle

‘Truly powerful’: Significant demands made during demonstration attended by 3 protesters

By Seamus O’Seam The Chomicle

A

new student group took to Abele Quad on Tuesday, calling on administrators to declare Duke a “Third Amendment Campus” and invest more in Durham.

Although only 3 students attended the demonstration — of which were the president, vice president and treasurer of the group — their bold demands made shockwaves.

“Why do you think Price rhymes with ICE? Clearly, he’s a fascist,” the protesters chanted, slightly out of sync with one other.

After an opening poem and land acknowledgement, the protesters turned to their proposals. Amid the Iran war, the group felt it was critical that the University become a “Third Amendment Campus.” This would mean that no members of the military or ROTC would be allowed to live in the residence halls.

“If Duke believes in peace,

how can it let members of the military take up our living space? Send them to K-Ville!” the president of the group said.

The ROTC group did not respond to The Chomicle’s request for comment, because they said tehy were participating in mandatory drills. The protesters said “this is exactly the kinda thing we’re talking about.”

The group also decried the University for its lack of investment in Durham.

Although city residents have long encouraged the University to contribute more, including by making payments in lieu of taxes to the city government, the protesters had a creative solution: setting aside half of the University’s endowment to be awarded to one random Durham resident via lottery.

“After taking Econ 101, I became disillusioned with capitalism. The only way to rectify these wrongs is to redistribute the University’s wealth to one lucky person,” the

group’s treasurer said.

Two other student passersby stopped to watch the protest, with one declaring it “truly powerful.”

“My parents gave $10 million to get me into Duke, so I feel like the University could probably use a little bit of that to help

the Durham community,” the student added.

Although the protesters were certain the University would never agree to their demands, they promised to continue protesting anyway.

“It’s a good way to procrastinate studying for my midterms,” the president said.

Upset by LDOC artist pick, Duke College Republicans launch ‘alternative LDOC’ headlined by Kid Rock

By Woak Mehdeeya The Chomicle

I

f your top artist last year was the J6 Prison Choir, The Chomicle has great news for you.

Duke College Republicans announced Tuesday afternoon they will be holding an “Alternative LDOC” concert after discovering the identity of DUU’s chosen LDOC artist, who was allegedly too “woke” and “weak.”

The selected replacement: Kid Rock.

The majority of Kid Rock’s listeners can’t legally enter a school zone, but the throwback artist will make his first appearance on a college campus this April.

“It’s hard being a conservative at Duke,” junior and DCR President Ma Gah said. “The nondenominational Chapel, multicultural centers, the Sanford School of Public Policy. We wanted a place where everyone could feel welcome, no matter their background or identity.”

The concert’s openers are Lee Greenwood and Carrie Underwood, who will perform renditions of “God Bless the

USA” and the national anthem, respectively. They will be quickly ushered off the stage following their performance.

“Kid Rock is basically rap. Lee Greenwood is country. Carrie is hot,” Gah said. “We’d love to

the alternative concert will be held at Koskinen Stadium with Duke men’s lacrosse cosponsoring the event.

“This event represents who we are as Duke men’s lacrosse. We can’t taint our spotless reputation

the brothers of Kappa Alpha will make a quick pit stop this weekend in South Carolina to buy an annual supply of fireworks, perhaps to make up for the lack of attendance.

“The boys are hyped for Kid Rock,” said KA Civil War Chair Chad Smith, a senior, although he failed to name two songs by Kid Rock. “Lowkirkenuinely, gonna be the best afterparty of the year.”

The Chomicle obtained the RSVP list on Facebook Messenger, as the organizers said that Partiful was “too much work and too much woke.” As of Wednesday morning, not a single woman had signed up for the concert.

The event is BYOB, although the bottom of the flyer read “NO BUD LIGHT.” Punishments for bringing Bud Light include but are not limited to: mandatory drag brunch, Critical Race Theory class, or eating from It’s Thyme. highlight the breadth of American by attending the traditional “Alternative LDOC” will be talent with this show.”

LDOC concert,” one anonymous livestreamed on Kick and DCR’s In order to distance themselves team member said.

Truth Social account. from the radical nature of LDOC, The college Republicans and

The Chronicle

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WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2026 | 5

SHAPE announces new division solely focused on faculty

By Noe Meansnoe The Chomicle

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uke Sexual Harassment and Assault Prevention Education announced a new division that would focus on faculty education and conduct, according to a Monday post on Instagram.

Student leaders say the new section, informally named the “Teachers, Not Touchers” (TNT) division, will work with Duke Human Resources and the Office for Institutional Equity to ensure that all staff in studentfacing roles are better educated on power dynamics, consent

and signs of an unhealthy relationship.

Students and most faculty on campus expressed support for the change. Associate Professor Hanz Tomyself said he believed the additional resources would have a positive impact although he also noted his disappointment in specific colleagues who had behaved “irrationally” and “inappropriately.”

TNT Director Connie Sent, a senior, indicated that she, too, was eager to help but also surprised her division was necessary at all.

“Come on, [faculty].

I was supposed to be applying to jobs this spring, not coaching you on how to engage with students,” Sent said. “If they’re under 22, they’re definitely not for you.”

One faculty member thought the change was “doing too much.” In an email to The Chomicle, Fuqua Professor Dan Ariely wrote the University had far better

ways to allocate its resources than enabling students to “chastise” faculty members for “normal” behavior.

“Duke will look back in 10 years and realize all of this was silly,” Ariely wrote. “We know where to draw the line.

That’s why my colleagues and I would never approach a middle schooler…”

Ariely added that he felt the University’s policies were already outdated and the new change further erased the “nuances” that exist in “messy, beautiful searches for love.”

“Say, what if I meet a student who is really smart and mature for her age?” he said. “And even, picture this, what if she had red hair?”

In partnership with SHAPE, OIE said it would add several questions about faculty conduct to its next Sexual Misconduct Climate Survey. Results from the last survey — conducted in spring 2025 — were never shared for reasons that administrators said would only become clear “in hindsight.”

Gotcha! Campus ChatGPT subscription revealed to be a trap all along

By Artifishul Inteligentz The Chomicle

S

tudents’ worst fear has come true: Duke administrators have been using the University’s OpenAI partnership to test students’ academic integrity, according to an investigation by The Chomicle.

The first sign was the disappearance of junior Ernest Scolar. According to Scolar’s roommate, he was last seen in the library Tuesday and had mentioned using the campus ChatGPT license for a little homework help.

“Sure, it hypothetically violated some academic conduct policy,” the roommate said. “But [Scolar] even went back and removed the em dashes. How would anybody have found out?”

A source familiar with the matter confirmed to The Chomicle that Scolar had been apprehended for his unscrupulous behavior and was being held in the Allen Building dungeon.

News of the detention quickly spread across campus, with many expressing concern for their peer and others describing “worse” requests that they had submitted to Duke’s ChatGPT without any

ramification.

“Yeah, I mean, ChatGPT was there for me in dark times. Just last night, it gave me guidance on how to jump off the Chapel,” said sophomore Lou Natic. “And my buddy, you know, he has a hard time talking to women, but he hasn’t turned off his phone since asking it to ‘Talk to me like I mog and you’re the baddest girl from Touse.’”

In response to student concerns, President Price described the comprehensive talks between administrators and faculty before launching the partnership last June. Every faculty member had the chance to suggest their favorite AI model, he said, and even faculty in the “going extinct” humanities departments had zero criticism for the proposal.

“This is a great initiative that continues to get better with time,” Price said. “The humanities and human rights faculty liked our idea so much that they even chose to skip the meeting when we voted!”

Price also stated that faculty members had complained about the “no-good cheaters” in their classes and wanted a way to “smoke ‘em out.” He added that it

was faculty, not administrators, who led outreach efforts with OpenAI regarding a potential partnership.

In particular, “there was this one guy in Fuqua who actually already worked there and wanted to do this,” Price said.

“He gets the credit. I just told him, ‘Okay!’”

After Duke Student Government passed a resolution to “pretty please warn students before abducting them,” the

Provost shared that Duke would review and revise its AI policy.

“We recognize we need to change. This has been a big issue, and for that, we apologize,” he said. “That’s why we will be rolling out ethical, climateforward AI. The abductions will still be taking place.”

The Provost declined to clarify on what “climate-forward AI” actually meant or how it even remotely related to student concerns.

6 | WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2026

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The Chronicle

‘You booze, you lose’: Cameron, Cayden Boozer launch major NIL partnership with Alcoholics Anonymous

By Ian Rickovery The Chomicle

I

t’s official: The Boozers are now helping everyone stop boozing.

This week, Duke announced that Cameron and Cayden Boozer, twin stars for the men’s basketball program, have signed a NIL deal with both the Durham

and Miami contingents of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Alcoholics Anonymous grabs the spotlight away from recent commercials starring the brothers sponsored by State Farm and Zaxby’s. While the organization

declined to comment on the announcement, it has long been known to cater to former college athletes who drank away their problems after averaging mediocre stats at mediocre schools.

“We are thrilled to welcome two new members to our family,” said Nonnal Kohaulik, chair of Duke’s Society of Sober Sisters and Brothers. “Together we will reign in the campus riffraff and restore order to a community corrupted by liquid poison.”

The deal comes after a surprising approval from the NIL clearinghouse that was a major part of the recent House settlement. As it turns out, alcohol-related counseling falls outside of the ban on boozerelated sponsorships.

As a part of their agreement, the twins will be required to lead one AA meeting per month, held in the Link inside Perkins Library.

The clientele of the meetings

will mostly come from Durham Greek life organizations, and the twins seemed eager to assist their contemporaries after several free entries to parties in local fields.

What’s left to be seen is how this new moral responsibility affects the pair after Duke’s devastating Elite Eight defeat.

Transports to Duke Hospital have increased by 800% since Sunday evening, and one source close to the team confirmed that the Boozers were thinking of “getting in on the action.”

Consuming so much as a drop of alcohol would be grounds for immediate termination of the Boozers’ contract, an AA lawyer confirmed. Still, picking up the bottle may not put them out of business just yet.

“When one door closes, another one opens,” said newly interested NIL sponsor Solo Cups. “We’d love to pop corks and pump kegs with the twins.

Bring on the Booze!”

Duke preemptively sues incoming quarterbacks for expected breach of contract

By Hart Stilbroakin The Chomicle

D

uke has filed a lawsuit against all five quarterbacks on the 2026 roster, seeking millions in damages from expected breaches of contract.

The University’s complaint references a strong pattern of early exit at the position and cites the athletes’ commitment videos as clear indications of their disloyalty.

“Duke football can’t afford to be blindsided by a hurricane of future damages,” a team spokesperson told The Chomicle. “If the program doesn’t protect its interests now, it runs the risk of hobbling along on broken ankles later.”

Several Division I institutions expressed dismay over the case’s potential precedent. Notre Dame, Miami and Oregon State submitted amicus briefs warning that the lawsuit would unnecessarily restrict athletes’ freedoms to seek out future educational opportunities.

In a show of support for the affected players, the schools also invited the athletes to visit their facilities while Duke brought

Quarterback Runner Egat testified as part of the case last week.

the matter to court.

“A case of this nature is simply mind-boggling,” Notre Dame’s head coach said. “I’ve seen fourth-and-16 plays that make more sense than this.” He proceeded to place all blame on the entirety of the Atlantic Coast Conference.

The quarterbacks named in the lawsuit plan to fight the action in Durham County court.

They claimed the requested total

would bankrupt them, given that current NIL and revenuesharing legislation dictate athletes be paid only their “fair market value” — far less than what they originally received from Duke.

“We simply don’t have the funds,” incoming quarterback Runner Egat explained. “Even collectively, we’ve never been paid that much in our lives.”

In a rare turn of events,

however, North Carolina’s athletics department has supported Duke publicly on the case.

“We are encouraged by the unprecedented legal action being taken in Durham,” a Tar Heel spokesperson said.

“We hope to follow in Duke’s footsteps and ensure that Tar Heels stay committed to the football program even after they meet Bill Belichick.”

Overly eager 1L students from Duke Law have also been involved in the litigation process.

“Overall, it’s great experience,” said first-year J.D. candidate Lee Gal. “Maledominated Duke sports teams fare historically well in the Durham justice system, and I’m excited to contribute to that work on behalf of the University.”

Darian Mensah did not respond to The Chomicle’s request for comment. His agent claimed he could not be reached due to the overwhelming academic rigor at his new institution.

The Chronicle

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WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2026 | 7

Lockdown defender Maliq Brown to advise Duke on future active shooter training modules

By Big Student Affairs The Chomicle

n a move that has everyone Isecurity from hoops fans to campus buzzing, Duke

University has tapped senior Maliq Brown, the Blue Devils’ lockdown defender extraordinaire, to overhaul its current Active Shooter Training protocols.

Fresh off snagging ACC Defensive Player of the Year and Sixth Man honors, Brown — known for swatting shots like flies and clamping opponents tighter than a cork — will imprint his protective ideologies over what was once just a random 1-minute Canvas quiz.

“Look, basketball defense is all about anticipation, quick feet, and shutting down threats before they arrive,” Brown said during a press conference at Cameron Indoor Stadium, where he demonstrated his skills by blocking a Chronicle reporter’s notepad. “Active shooter drills? Same principle.

Why run and hide when you can zone in and deny entry?”

Sources say Brown’s module, dubbed “Lockdown 101 with Big Liq,” will feature drills inspired by his signature plays.

Freshmen can practice “manto-man evasion” by dodging foam bullets while mimicking the senior forward’s crossover dribble.

Upperclassmen could tackle “full-court press simulations,” where participants form human walls to “trap” mock intruders.

All training programs will be conducted on Coach K court, with team mascot and Princeton transfer Jack Scott acting as referee. Scott has declined to comment on his involvement in Lockdown 101, merely citing that he “needs more game time.”

Government critics, including the campus safety board, worry the module is a slam dunk too far.

“We’re talking real threats here, not a fast break,” grumbled a Democrat representative from the City of Durham. But Brown insists his plans are foolproof.

OPINION: Jeffrey Epstein is a family friend. So what?

By Percival Octavian VanderbiltSackler Getty

The Chomicle

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is name and photo kept popping up on my Instagram feed. I couldn’t help but think that I recognized him, but in a more personal way.

It was during Spring Break, in St. Barts, that I slipped into my dad’s office through the yacht’s starboard, and saw the framed photo: Dad on a beach, one arm around Uncle Jeffrey, the other arm around a younger ginger woman. I should have been enjoying a break from my rigorous Constellation course — Navigating Spaces — but suddenly I was more worried about the identity of some lady who definitely wasn’t Mom. I pulled up Safari, clicked on the “Yes, I am 18 or older,” and searched my dad’s name — Sir Winthrop VanderbiltSackler Getty. There it was, in 217 appearances.

Out of uneasiness, I didn’t bring it up to Dad. How could I? But it wasn’t long until my friends started asking me about it. My name, Percival Octavian Vanderbilt-Sackler Getty, started trending on Fizz. There was even a Kalshi line on whether my father would be removed from his position at work.

Uncle Jeffrey was a terrible man. But you don’t understand that he was terrible to my dad too. Uncle Jeffrey deceived him. No one ever thinks about the people of-age that are also deceived. No one ever

accepts that they, too, would have taken free travel to a private island if given the opportunity.

Yes, he was our family friend, but that was before we, and everyone else, knew all the terrible things he had done.

Before you judge, ask yourself: Are you so sure that you would have known from the young staff he kept? Would you have turned down life-changing financial support that quickly? And are you really better than Prince Andrew, Mette-Marit, and Nobel Prize-winner Richard Axel?

I admit it is hard to reconcile the truth.

On one hand, he was a giver: The library that hundreds of students study in daily, including me, was made possible only because of his charitable donations. On the other hand, he committed disturbing crimes against dozens of innocent people, although I can’t say I know any of them.

I will not be answering questions about this. I will not be reading the comments. I only hope to increase the number of empaths in the world. I also have a Navigating Spaces reflection journal due Thursday.

To my father: I love you. To Uncle Jeffrey: How could you?

Percival Octavian Vanderbilt-Sackler Getty is a Trinity first-year studying Philosophy, Policy and Economics. He summers in Southampton and Southern France and plans on rushing Oozma Kappa in the fall.

“I held All-ACC guards to single digits. Imagine what I’d do to a bad guy with a proper gun,” he said.

Duke’s administration is all in, eyeing Brown’s input to boost enrollment, because “nothing sells a school like a baller-turned-bullet-stopper.”

Training will kick off one

week after this year’s tragic Elite Eight loss, and Brown himself will be leading sessions in his iconic No. 6 jersey.

“If it works on the court, it’ll work in the classroom,” he quipped. “Just don’t foul out.”

A note from The Chomicle team: In case you couldn’t tell, this is The Chomicle, The Chronicle’s evil twin. Everything in this paper is satire and should not be taken seriously, unles you want to.

In that case, we won’t stop you — but don’t say you weren’t warned. Anyway, we need something to fill this final box. Thus we have decided to draw you some tic tac toe boxes and give you a little space to color. Have fun. Happy April Fools!

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8 | WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2026

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