April 1, 2015

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Upcoming Bike Competition

Parking Tickets Skyrocket

Wallace Wade will host a dirt-bike competition before the start of the football season | Page LOL

Duke parking reaches milestone 1K tickets, does not intend to slow down any time soon | Page JK

The Chomicle THE BEST DAMN THING YOU WILL EVER READ

APRIL FOOLS 2015

WWW.DUKECHRONICLE.COM

Science overthrows DSG overnight Do Something? Govt. Policy Analyst The Chomicle The Do Something? Government leadership was deposed last night in a swift coup led by senior Jacob Science, senator for academic affairs and senate president pro tempore. The coup, spurred by discord surrounding the failure of a recent amendment to the DSG Constitution in favor of small government, occurred in the middle of the night. The takeover ended with a seemingly friendly handover of power from former DSG President Magma Render, a junior, to Science, who immediately named himself DSG premier. “The question isn’t who is going to let me—it’s who is going to stop me,” Science said from a balcony in the Bryan Center in response to popular outcry. Science called for all senators who have missed more than three meetings to be sacked. This led to the dismissal of 42 of the 60 senators. No one expected that Science, a strong proponent of democracy, would attempt to overthrow DSG’s popularly elected representatives. In addition to naming himself premier, he also dissolved the former presidential cabinet and replaced it with a select few close advisors, including current Executive Vice President Crabhi Panda, a junior, and Vice President for Academic Affairs Bae Li, a senior. Li explained that Science was ensuring a future of small government at Duke in a time of moral crisis. “You can’t be for big government, big tuition and big bureaucracy and still be for the little guy,” Li said.

ONE HUNDRED AND TENTH YEAR, TONS OF ISSUES

Entire campus closing down NotaSwedishDJ The Chomicle

Effective immediately, Duke announced that it would be closed for construction until 2017. All campus buildings will be off-limits to students, faculty and staff, and the University will not be admitting new students for the next two years. The decision came after administrators realized that the large number of walkways slated to be closed in order to finish the current construction meant that no buildings would remain accessible. “We decided it would just be too inconvenient to keep the students here any longer,” said Goliath Tusk, vice president for construction. “With the students out of the way, it is the perfect time to fix up all the other buildings as well.” He noted that air conditioning would be added to all the dorms without it, except for Jarvis. In the two years students have off, Duke will be providing a number of opportunities—including a new program called DukeConstruct in which students will be able to have “an immersive service experience” for non résumé-related purposes by serving as volunteer construction workers. “Instead of sending affluent students to go safari camping in Africa, we’re giving them an opportunity to provide meaningful assistance here at home,” said Elmo Netta, vice president for student affairs. Duke sports will continue during the shutdown, and Madison Square Garden has been reserved for basketball games.

Photo Illustration by Young Chen | The Chronicle Campus construction workers celebrate the two-year closing of campus knowing that students will soon join their ranks.

“We just realized that with the amount of students from New York, New Jersey and Connecticut, these would basically all still be home games,” said Kenneth Black, vice president and director of athletics. Administrators took an optimistic approach to the closing, noting that

visitors to campus will no longer mistake cranes for the Chapel. Students, however, were largely ambivalent about the closure. “If it means I won’t have mulch stuck between my toes for the next two years, I guess I’m okay with it,” freshman Cam Plain said.

Chipotle coming to Merchants-on-Points Jay Z The Chomicle

Photo Courtesy of Wikimedia Commons The Duke University Someone’s Always Dining Committee unanimously voted to add Chipotle to the Merchants-on-Points lineup.

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After months of student speculation, the Duke University Someone’s Always Dining Committee has finally spilled the beans on the next addition to the Merchants on Points program—Chipotle Mexican Grill. In a meeting Tuesday evening featuring burritos, guacamole and a mariachi band, DUSADC unanimously voted Chipotle as the new MOP vendor. The decision was made after considering a number of other restaurants—including Monuts, another popular choice. DUSADC members not-

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ed, however, the choice was clear. “Chipotle was by and large the hottest option,” said senior George Thompson, DUSADC co-chair, noting that DUSADC hoped to put the restaurant on food points by the start of the fall semester. Since a delivery service called Radoozle announced it would be offering Chipotle delivery last spring, many students have speculated about the possibility of bringing Chipotle directly to Duke. A national chain, Chipotle has a location on Erwin Road— still, students pointed out that the distance from West Campus was problematic. “Half a mile can be all the difference between a tasty burrito and a dehydrated lettuce leaf from the Perk’s café,” said sopho-

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more Pica Degallo. In the past, there had been logistical issues getting Chipotle as a MOP vendor, Thompson said, since the restaurant doesn’t offer delivery services. DUSADC, however, has reached an agreement with DeliveryOne—the latest undergraduate startup—which will allow Chipotle deliveries to be made by students. As of now, deliveries from Chipotle may be slightly slower than the average order-to-delivery waiting time of two hours, Thompson said. But DUSADC is confident these minor issues will soon be resolved. “We’re not going to chicken out of providing students the best dining experience possible,” Thompson said.

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