THE MAGAZINE FOR THE FILIPINO FAMILY
FamilyMatters Volume 2 • Number 2 SEPTEMBER-NOVEMBER 2014
The widows' might SUCCESSFUL SOLO PARENTING THROUGH GOD'S GRACE
EYE CARE Preserve your child’s eyesight!
10 WAYS TO CHEER UP LOLO AND LOLA
Youth talk
• Stay motivated in school • Improve your self-image • Selfie safety rules
Janella Salvador
“KEEP SMILING BECAUSE LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL”
FamilyMatters Volume 2 • Number 2 September-November 2014
46
2 Homework
The Power of Personal Touch
4 Family Note
Why Grandparents Rock
5 Letters 6 Framing
Memories from a Lifetime
8 Budgeting
Where’s My Baon?
11 Protecting
10 Sight Savers
30
14 Cover Story Widows’ Might
18 Bonding
18
All in the Family
21 Parenting
The Angry Child
36 Honoring
Youth Talk
In Good Company
38 Developing
Time for a Change
41 Valuing Grand Love
44 Preventing A Cry for Help
46 Behaving
Selfie Self-Check
6
Sweet and Sunny Janella, 24 In All Shapes and Sizes, 27 My Life as a Working Student, 30 Builders of Hope, 33
HOMEWORK
power ThE
OF
personal touch When we take care of our sick and elderly, we get a ďŹ nal chance to return their love, show our gratitude, and seek and offer forgiveness that allows for healing and closure. Time and again, people ask my opinion on what they should
by Fr. bernard P. nolasco, sDb
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do with their sick and aging parents, grandparents, and even siblings. No doubt, these people care so much for their sick and aging family members. But often they are caught in a dilemma. They are at a loss about what to do,
especially if they have families of their own and jobs that simply do not allow them to take time out to care for their sick and aging family members, especially if they have aging parents who are in need of care and attention. Some people ask for the services of professional caregivers and
Photos by DBPI-Multimedia Services
We benefit the most from what we are doing inasmuch as we gain something spiritual that fills our soul with peace and fulfillment. registered nurses who can take care of their sick and aging family members at home. Those who can afford it opt for hospital care. And a few, some of them I know personally, make the big sacrifice of giving up their career to give their complete attention to their sick and aging family members. Whenever I visit institutions for the aged, I honestly feel sad seeing how these old folks are brought to these institutions by relatives that cannot take care of them at home. Worse, it gives my heart much pain to meet old people who are there because they were rescued by Good Samaritans off the streets after being abandoned by relatives who considered them as a heavy burden. There were even a few cases of old folks being rescued from maltreatment in their own homes. True, to take care of sick and aging family members is never easy. It demands sacrifice that is deeply rooted in unconditional love and care. It may make your body tired, but at the same time it makes your spirit strong. There is no substitute for one’s personal care of someone who occupies a big part of one’s life. We may have all the resources to pay professional caregivers and private nurses, or the best hospital or institution to take care of them, but still, nothing beats personal care simply because it is priceless. The things that we gain from caring personally for them are likewise priceless. Caring for the sick and the aged develops in us a strong inner sense of gratitude. It is an opportunity to let
the sick and aging family members feel how much we appreciate them and everything that they have done for us. Every time we feed them, every time we give them a bath, every time we lead them to sleep, every time we move them around, we express the gratitude in our hearts. Every single act of care is an act of gratitude. Caring for the sick and the aged is an act of healing, reconciliation, and purification. To be with our sick and aging folks allows us to undo all the wrong things we have done to them. For their sake, we choose to move on, leaving behind past differences, misunderstandings, and conflicts. Let bygones be bygones, then all the emotional and relational wounds of the past may find healing. Caring for the sick and the aged brings out the best in us. It gives us the opportunity to make the most out of
the last few moments with our sick and aging loved ones. It makes us practice patience, understanding, empathy, and forbearance. And without realizing it, we benefit the most from what we are doing inasmuch as we gain something spiritual that fills our soul with peace and fulfillment. When the time comes that you find yourself with an aging and sick family member, I encourage you, my dear readers, to seize every opportunity to give him or her your personal care and attention. What you can do, let not someone else do it on your behalf. Discuss with your siblings how all of you can look after him or her. If you have your own family, discuss the matter with your spouse and children and try to win their support. Over and above all these is your golden heart that is longing to love and to invite others to love‌a love that is priceless. n
To take care of sick and aging family members is never easy. It demands sacrifice that is deeply rooted in unconditional love and care.
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FAMILY NOTE
FamilyMatters
Why grandparents rock
bookmark
If there’s one thing that advances in science and medicine have
Cut out and paste on a cardboard, punch a hole, and put a ribbon through.
given us is a longer lifespan. Through an effective combination of powerful medicines, hi-tech machines, and expert medical care, people now have greater chances of surviving a stroke or a heart attack, overcoming cancer, and living well despite having diabetes or high blood pressure. A longer life expectancy is a blessing in many ways, one of which is that we get to enjoy the company of our loved ones that much longer, especially that of our elderly. That’s why in this issue, Family Matters celebrates and cheers on with our readers our beloved national treasure—our grandparents—as we recognize and thank them for their pivotal role and valuable contribution in shaping Filipino families that are steeped in the right values and principles for the benefit of society as a whole. Grandparents’ Day this year falls on September 7, and Fr. Drans on page 6 shares 10 cool, simple ways to make our lolos and lolas’ special day delightfully extraordinary—for both grandparent and apo. And on page 41, we bring you four heart-tugging stories of doting grandparents who demonstrate the countless ways they enrich their children and grandchildren’s life experiences with their devotion and unconditional love. Indeed, every day that our elders are still with us should be regarded as a “bonus” opportunity to treat them with respect and affection, knowing they will leave us sooner or later. Death is a fact of life, after all, and this issue also faces up to this inescapable event. Our cover story, for instance, tackles the topic of widowhood. You might think it’s a “dark” subject, but I encourage you to read it, starting on page 14, because it is anything but sad. It’s actually an uplifting, smile-inducing feature on four women initially lost and devastated by the sudden departure of their soul mate, only to discover the inner strength to raise their children on their own, with the Lord by their side. Indeed, in our worst moments, we should never let go of hope—and God’s hand to guide us from darkness to light. Actually, we’ve prepared a generous mix of “heavy” and “light” reads for you (check out “Selfie Self-Check” on page 46 for a sure chuckle), all of which we hope you’ll enjoy. We also hope that with every article you read, you take away with you kernels of truth, grains of wisdom, and seeds for positive change, whether you’re a parent, a teacher, or a student.
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- Rudy Giuliani
Photo by Jun Pinzon
Romelda C. ascutia, editor e-mail: rascutia1000@gmail.com
What children need most are the essentials that grandparents provide in abundance. They give unconditional love, kindness, patience, humor, comfort, lessons in life. And, most importantly, cookies.
FamilyMatters Volume 2 * Number 2 September-November 2014 ADVISER fr. Bernard p. nolasco, sdB PUBLISHER don Bosco press, inc. EDITOR romelda C. ascutia ART DIRECTOR Haidee afable COLUMNIST atty. tito r. Bundang CONTRIBUTORS maridol rañoa-Bismark aileen Carreon excel V. dyquiangco erlinda esguerra gabriel Joshua m. floresca ruth manimtim-floresca annabellie gruenberg stephanie mayo ime morales ross Valentin, m.d. DBPI-MMS PHOTOGRAPHERS ma. patricia r. Baltazar patricio J. Baluyot, Jr. raymond s. mamaril PRODUCTION MANAGER early macabales CIRCULATION don Bosco press, inc. HAIR & MAKEUP ARTIST ranilo d. gabor LEGAL COUNSEL sapalo Velez Bundang & Bulilan law offices printer Family Matters is a quarterly magazine published by Don Bosco Press, Inc. Antonio Arnaiz corner Chino Roces Avenues P.O. Box 1601 MCPO, 1223 Makati City Philippines All rights reserved © 2014 by DON BOSCO PRESS, INC. No part of this magazine may be reproduced without permission from the publisher. Telephone : 816-1519 / Fax: 893-9205 Tell us what you think! Your news and views are welcome. E-mail us at familymatters14344@gmail.com. All submissions become the property of FamilyMatters and will not be returned. Letters may be edited, and full names will be published unless otherwise specified by the sender.
LETTERS
Dad’s evolution
I was absolutely touched when I read Miss Ruth Manimtim-Floresca’s “Dad’s Right Here!” and “The Man Behind Robotars” in your June-August issue. It’s so wonderful to see how fathers are slowly changing in their attitude towards their children and how they are no longer afraid to show emotion and get close to their kids. It’s great that the dads interviewed are eager to share equally in the task of parenting and seem to truly enjoy being with their children, even setting movie dates and sharing their hobbies with them. I am still single, but their stories have convinced me that if ever I get married, it should be to someone who will also be a hands-on father to our children. Chyna Zarrate
“The June-August issue of Family matters is just super! I am always drawn to the youth section for its nice articles that offer tips and lessons for young people that we often don’t know we need until we read them!” maggie tamayo
A wake-up shot
I’d like to congratulate you for the feature article on follow-up vaccinations for older children in your June-August issue. It’s a timely reminder for parents like me who tend to overlook the need to get booster shots for our teenagers to protect them from serious illnesses. The article explained in a convincing and understandable manner why these later shots are just as important for teens as the early immunization program is for babies and young children. I hope you continue to provide health and medical information like this because it makes us more proactive in protecting our family’s health and wellbeing. Thanks and more power to your magazine! Juanita licup
Electronic invasion
Thank you for publishing “Keeping It Real” in the June-August issue of Family Matters. I believe this is a must-read for families at this time, when almost every home is already connected to the Internet, and face-to-face family communication and interaction is in danger because of the magnet-like pull of the virtual world. I find the suggestions of the parents to counter the pernicious impact of the Internet in their very own home to be very apt and practical. Parents must set down the rules on gadget use and plan physical activities that involve the outdoors so their kids can see how much better the real world is. I also totally agree with the expert’s guidelines for breaking off our children’s addiction to electronic gadgets. It’s true what she said—that parents have to set the right example themselves. You can’t expect to take away your kids’ addiction to computer games if you yourself are also addicted!
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FRAMING
memories FROm A lifetime 10 ways to make your grandparents feel so grand. BY FR. BERNARD P. NOLASCO, SDB
1
picture perfect. Get their best picture when they were younger, and scan, reprint, and frame it. Remember, a picture paints a thousand words.
requested songs. Know their 2 most favorite songs, download them,
4
massage, you can give them a soothing massage with a gentle touch of your fingertips on their foreheads, shoulders, arms, hands, and feet.
Cinemarathon. Know their favorite movies of all time and see how many of them are available in video stores or on the Internet. Try to get at least five titles for them to enjoy. travel in time. Bring them to the most memorable places in their lives, like the school where they studied, the church where they got married, the town or city where they were born and grew up. Listen to their stories as they see these places once again.
Using existing apps on the Internet, 5 aVp. produce an audiovisual presentation that brings out the best in them. Aside from pictures, you may include in this AVP some interviews with people who are special to them.
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pen. Believe in the power of the pen especially when it is moved by genuine love.
touch of love. Even if you do 7 a not know how to give a real
and make a special CD selection with their picture on the CD cover.
3
from the heart. Nothing beats a handwritten 6 straight love letter. Let your heart move your hand and your
story-telling. Sit with them and 8 initiate a good chat. Let them hear
take care
from you some memorable stories from your life that involved them. Ask them too what they remember about you.
meal. Bring some food which they love 9 toHappy eat and can still eat. Set the table and happily eat with them as if it were the last meal you would be sharing together. say a little prayer. Every time you 10 have to say goodbye to them, accompany it with a prayer. Hold their hands and say a spontaneous prayer that you wish for them to hear. Assure them that they are in your daily prayers.
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BUDGETING
Where’s baon?
mY
The giving of school allowance presents an opportunity to teach your child about budgeting, saving, discipline, and responsibility. BY IME MORALES
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At what age should parents start entrusting their children with school allowance? And when they do, how should they decide how much to give a child? When making this important decision, there are many factors a parent must consider, including the child’s age and grade level as well as the family’s financial capability. Lisa Peñano, branch operations officer at a big commercial bank, believes that the amount of monetary allowance a student gets should be based on four things: age, length of time spent in school, distance of home to school and if the child commutes or uses the school service, and whether the child brings along packed food.
Photo by DBPI-Multimedia Services
n Give only what you can afford. If the family budget is tight, then the children will have to make adjustments, too. n Consider the “spend, share, save” policy wherein one-third of the child’s money can be spent, one-third goes to charity, and another third goes to savings. The habits that are formed during an individual’s early years tend to become a lifelong practice. Teach your child how to handle money now to help him or her become a financially responsible adult in the future.
Helpful tips for raising money-wise kids
Some experts say that children as young as 6 to 8 years old are ready to handle a little bit of money. For parents who give cash allowances to their children, here
are some ideas that might help. Coins are good for teaching young children. It’s a great way to teach that 20 one peso coins equals a P20 bill, and so on. They can practice counting money and change this way. They can also put them inside their piggy banks. Before giving money, consider talking to your child about goals. For example, you might say something like, “This week, whatever amount is left from your school allowance can be set aside to buy that dinosaur book you have been wanting get.” The child will learn how to save the small amounts to reach the bigger goals. give a pep talk. Be open and candid about your income, budget, and expenditures. Parents can share with their kids how they earn money, how much of it goes to savings, and how much goes to charity. What are the
“Saving must be made mandatory, so tell your children not to use all of their daily allowance in one day.”
“Parents must teach their children to buy only the things they need. Saving must be made mandatory, so tell your children not to use all of their daily allowance in one day. Teach them how to save money every day,” Peñano said. Children must also be told that money may be used to help others so they can learn the value of sharing. “They must understand that money should not be for oneself only,” she continues. “They must know how to value money and understand where it comes from—that their parents work hard for it and that it doesn’t just magically appear inside one’s wallet.”
n Make sure your child understands what the allowance covers. n Give the allowance on the same day every week. If your child runs out of money on Thursday, for instance, he or she will have to wait for the next allowance to make a desired purchase.
Photo by Anthz Nolasco
4 baon Considerations
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for? How did the parents choose the charity or cause to support? Bring them to the bank. When you open an account for them and whenever you visit the bank to deposit money into their account, bring the kids with you. You can even let them go through the motions on their own and experience it for themselves, the better to understand how things work. Finally, children must not be paid for housework. No matter how tempting it may seem, experts agree that allowances should not be tied to chores, saying that “the purpose of an allowance is to teach children how to handle money, not pay them for work.” Children should be expected to help around the house and money should not be used to encourage them to do their share. In the same manner, allowances should not be decreased or suspended if the children didn’t do their chores. n
Cash or kind?
Consider the ‘spend, share, save’ policy wherein one-third of the child’s money spend can be spent, share one-third goes to charity, and another third save goes to savings.
d na, IT analyst an For Maggie Bo in r-old AJ who is mom to 11-yea s te ua eq ol baon fifth grade, scho e Sh . ks ac h and sn to packed lunc 0 P5 lowance of gives him an al has no time to only when she shares that she cook. Maggie r is amount afte decided on th food choices in looking at the riceing out that a Family Matters looks at school and find n l costs betwee how some parents and-viand mea approach the matter of P40 and P50. , ve him money “Whenever I gi giving school money. of e m m to save so I always tell hi School allowance is a sensitive issue for his piggy bank d put it inside an it many parents. For some, they use it as t it into his bank we can deposi so a springboard to teach their offspring ith the cash unt together w co ac money management. Others opt to Maggie says. gifts he gets,” provide homemade sandwiches and meals instead, in this way hoping to make the child realize that money is precious and should only be spent on important purchases.
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Jing Ma riano, an en work-at -home m trepreneur and a om with son and a 14-yea an 8-yea r-old r-old da “My son ughter, is home says, -schoole is no ne d ed for ba so there on, but if somethin he want g, he jus s t asks fo daughte r money r is in se . My c o nd grad don’t giv e, and w e her mo e ney yet. her food We prep for scho are ol every day.” She and husband decided Peter ha not to g ve ive scho Instead, ol mone they tea y. ch t value of money d heir kids the uring th youngst e times ers the things, e ask for it to buy xplainin certain g to the differen m the ce betw e e n needs Jing add and wan s, “We w ts. to realiz a n t o u r e th children of hard w at money is the result ork. At t heir age are teac , we hing the m to hav entrepre e an neurial m indset in employe stead of e minds an et.”
Illustration by Ricus Afable
BUDGETING
PROTECTING
10 sight
the picture is by Rena Iporac
Show message history
savers
Know what to do to protect your child from potential vision disorders that could lead to blindness. BY ROSS VALENTIN, M.D.
Photo by Rena Iporac
Good vision is essential
October 9 Is World Sight Day!
for the proper development of your child. It aids in learning, adaptation, interaction, performance, safety, and success. As parents, you can take steps to keep your child’s eyes healthy. Here are ten ways to ensure our youngsters’ vision stays sharp and clear. 1. watch out for signs of eye problems. Early signs of eye trouble in a child are not that difficult to spot.
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PROTECTING They include squinting or blinking often, excessive eye rubbing, red or watery eyes, misaligned eyes, bulging eyes, pus or crust in either eye, eyes that flutter quickly from side to side or up and down, droopy eyelids, white, grayish, or cloudy pupils, and absence of the red reflex, or the normal red reflection in the eye when your picture is taken with a flash. Be alert, too, for these other problem indicators: Your child complains of eye pain, eye strain, blurred vision, or double vision. You may also notice how your son or daughter has difficulty seeing small objects at a distance, seeing at night or in low light, or distinguishing certain colors. Or your kid tends to sit too close to the TV set or the computer screen, bump into objects often, or have a hard time paying attention. It is also a cause for worry if your child often closes one eye or tilts the head to see better, has trouble following objects with the eyes, has recurrent headaches at the end of the day, seems overly sensitive to light, avoids near-vision activities like coloring and scribbling, and takes a long time to finish homework. In school, your learner may perform poorly in class, need to have books and tablets very close when reading, or have trouble reading what’s on the blackboard. If you notice any of these, have your child’s eyes checked by a qualified eye doctor right away. Remember that the longer it takes to seek treatment, the lesser the chance of the disorder being corrected. 2. provide a healthy, balanced diet. Your food choices should include those
rich in vitamins that promote good eyesight. Vitamin a: Carrot, papaya, mango, sweet potato, apricot, cantaloupe, milk, cheese, egg yolk, and liver are good sources of this vitamin. A deficiency in this nutrient causes night blindness. lutein and zeaxanthin: Dark-green leafy vegetables, such as broccoli, kale, turnip, spinach, kangkong, and kamote top, as well as egg, peas, and corn are examples of foods loaded with these nutrients, which help to lower the risk for cataracts and age-related macular degeneration (AMD), two eye conditions that can result in blindness. Vitamin C: Rich sources are citrus fruits like orange, calamansi, dalandan, peach, red pepper, tomato, and strawberry. Zinc: Poultry, lean red meat, oyster, cereals, and legumes like kidney beans, peanuts, black-eyed peas, and lima beans can help protect the eyes from the damaging effects of sunlight. It’s also good to include in your diet fish with high levels of omega-3 fatty acids, including salmon, tuna, and sardines, as well as whole grains. These are good for the eyes, too. 3. encourage more physical activity. Some 30 minutes of exercise every day can help prevent eye diseases that are linked to hypertension, high cholesterol, and diabetes. Furthermore, studies show that eye diseases like glaucoma, a condition of increased pressure within the eyeball that can cause gradual loss of sight, and AMD are less likely to develop in people who exercise regularly. Plus, regular physical
Children who wear contact lenses or prescription glasses should have annual eye checkups.
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workout helps people keep to a healthy weight and control blood sugar levels, reducing their risk for diabetes and diabetic retinopathy (a complication of diabetes that affects the eyes). 4. teach your kids to wash their hands regularly. This simple practice can prevent eye infection and eye irritation. If your kids wear contact lenses, remind them to wash their hands before putting on and taking out their contacts. 5. Have your children’s eyes checked regularly. This can help detect and treat eye disorders early. Eye exams can also help identify those prone to certain eye diseases and allow for early intervention. When should you bring your child for an eye checkup? Here’s your guide. at birth. All newborns should routinely receive a general eye examination and red reflex test from their pediatrician or an eye doctor to rule out cataracts, retinal detachments, and other eye diseases in a baby. Premature babies, babies with signs of abnormalities, high-risk newborns, or those with a family history of serious vision disorders in childhood should receive a comprehensive eye exam by a qualified eye specialist. between 6 months and 1 year. The second eye screening should be done by an ophthalmologist or a pediatrician at this time. If your baby’s eyes are not aligned after 4 months of age, have them checked by an eye specialist. If a child’s eyes are not straight in the first year of life, depth perception will be diminished.
by 3 to 3½ years old (preschool). At around age 3½, kids should undergo eye health screenings and visual acuity tests (or tests that measure sharpness of vision) with their pediatrician or an eye doctor. by school age. By age 5, kids should be screened for eye alignment and vision whenever eye problems are suspected. Nearsightedness is the most common eye disorder in this age group. After this, further routine screenings should be performed in the school or when eye symptoms (squinting, headaches, etc.) appear. Children who wear contact lenses or prescription glasses should have annual eye checkups. 6. provide protective eyewear. Encourage children to wear sunglasses that protect from the sun’s damaging ultraviolet rays A and B whenever they are outdoors. Kids who are into sports should wear protective goggles made from polycarbonate whenever they play. Sports-related eye injury is one of the most common causes of childhood eye injury.
7. limit tV and computer use and encourage frequent breaks. Children who watch TV or use their computer, smartphone, or tablet for extended periods often forget to blink, depriving their eyes of much needed lubrication and causing eye strain and headaches. Encourage the “20-20-20” eye rule: Every 20 minutes look at an object at least 20 feet away for at least 20 seconds to rest the eyes. 8. make sure your children get enough sleep. Just like the body, the eyes need rest. With less sleep, the eyes feel tired and irritated. 9. Buy eye- and child-safe toys only. Projectile toys like toy guns, arrows, and darts; toys with high-speed rotating blades like remote-controlled helicopters; and sharp toys like swords and tops can cause very serious eye injury, even blindness. Also, buy only age-appropriate playthings for your children. 10. Childproof your home. Keep cleaning chemicals and sharp objects locked inside cabinets out of your kids’ reach. Put cushions and paddings on
Seeing the truth
Does common folk knowledge have a scientific basis? Let’s find out.
You will go blind when you sleep with hair that’s still wet. False. Wet hair does not affect vision. At worst you will have smelly hair and a wet pillow when you wake up. Your vision deteriorates faster when you don’t wear your eye glasses. False. Not wearing those glasses will probably force you to squint to see better, but your vision will not worsen. Watching very near the TV set will damage your eyes. False. It can cause headaches and eye strain but it won’t ruin your eyes. It could, however, be a sign of a possible eye problem that needs to be checked. Reading in the dark will make your vision worse. False. Reading in low light will strain your eyes and make reading difficult, but it will not cause your eyes permanent harm.
Sports-related eye injury is one of the most common causes of childhood eye injury. table edges and sharp corners where a child may bump into and injure the eyes.
dangerous moVes
Teach your children not to do these things to avoid serious eye injury and infection: n Look directly at the sun, laser pointers, and bright lights. n Play with or go near fireworks, matches, pins, scissors, cleaning chemicals, non-powder rifles, pellet guns, pencils, sharp objects, and wire hangers. n Rub itchy or infected eyes. This can worsen and spread the infection. n Sleep with contact lenses on. Doing so can abrade or scrape away the cornea and cause pain and infection. n Put eye makeup on infected eyes. Makeup is not sterile and can worsen the infection. n Share eye makeup with others, as this can spread viruses that cause eye diseases. n Smoke or expose themselves to smoke. This can increase a person’s risk for cataracts and AMD later in life, as well as vision loss in those with other eye diseases. Smoking also raises the risk for heart diseases that indirectly affect your child’s eye health. n Wear over-the-counter colored contact lenses and circle lenses without a prescription. Corneal abrasions, pain, eye swelling as well as eye infections can result from using these things. n
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COVER STORY
Photo by Br
o. James Aro
Photo by Ra
aril ymond Mam
Queeny Velasco with children (standing) Marti and Clarisse; (seated) Marco and Chiara
Bambi Roxas with children (from left to right) Byron, Bro. Jarmy, Blaine, and Hero
widows’ mIghT CELEBRATING
Photo by
Raymond
Mamaril
Otilia Gustilo with sons (seated from left to right) Fr. Francis, Eric and wife Mary Anne; grandsons (standing from left to right) Francis, Vincent, and Jeric
Photo by Fr.Drans
Beth Mascardo with sons (from left to right) Gilbert, Guian, and Gavrie
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These women’s safe, happy, and comfortable worlds were shattered by a life-changing tragedy. Read their inspiring stories of how they overcame the devastating experience to emerge wiser, stronger, and better persons and parents. BY RUTH MANIMTIM-FLORESCA
We all know that each of us will leave this world someday, and yet death still comes unexpectedly and throws us off-balance. Undeniably, the pain of loss is most intense when the person we lose is the one closest to our heart. I love my husband dearly and though we sometimes have lighthearted talks about death and going ahead of the other, it’s very difficult for us to imagine the depth of devastation for the one left behind when such a time does come. Here, four widows share how they coped with their husband’s passing, and provide valuable insights for spouses on staying strong, keeping the faith, and resuming life together as a family when they have gone through the same crisis. Businesswoman Marie Queeny Velasco’s husband, Joey, passed away at age 43 in 2007, five years after being diagnosed with kidney cancer. “I think my spouse was able to prepare me for the inevitable struggles. He trained me to be a strong person. He taught me how to love and sacrifice for others,” she says. Queeny adds that she misses her husband’s sense of humor and responsibility as well as his determination. “His physical absence was definitely a struggle [because] we miss him so much, especially during birthdays, graduations, special occasions and when [our four] kids have good achievements.” Similarly, homemaker Otilia Oliva Gustilo still longs for her best friend— husband Josue, who died from his third heart attack at age 69 in 1975. “He was a most loving person. When he started courting me, he faithfully visited me every weekend in Batangas from Manila,” she reminisces. “He was a very religious person who helped me love the Eucharist and receive it on a daily basis.” For Maribeth “Beth” Mascardo, it never entered her mind that her 43-yearold husband Gilberto would die after they rushed him to the hospital in 2005 for an emergency heart operation. Gilberto was still conscious when brought to the emergency room but did not survive the medical procedure. “What I really miss about him was his being simple, loving, caring, and
“The strongest weapons that helped me survive all the problems were prayers, trust, and faith in our Lord, Jesus Christ.” understanding,” says Beth. “He was a responsible husband and father who was a playmate to our three sons.” Barbara “Bambi” Atienza Roxas, a training manager, became a widow in mid-2007, six months after her 53-yearold husband, Tito, was diagnosed with lung cancer. “It never occurred to me, nor did I even thought, that he would die [because] his chemo and radiation sessions were very frequent and aggressive [and] I was positive that he was going to [overcome his illness].” Bambi reveals that during their talks at night when their four kids were already asleep, her husband would say that he wasn’t ready to die yet. “My utmost concern was just to boost [his morale] and keep the faith that he was going to live.” She says that what she misses most is his voice and the presence of “the handyman of the house [who] manages to fix almost anything at home.”
Coping witH sudden loss
The death of Beth’s husband had a tremendous impact on the family. “After his burial, whenever my sons attended school, I couldn’t stop crying. It was the very first time they had to commute on their own, carrying their big bags and all their school equipments,” says Beth. “The strongest weapons that helped me survive all the problems were prayers, trust, and faith in our Lord, Jesus Christ. The blessings He showered on us helped us a lot in our daily lives.” For Queeny, her foremost emotion after Joey was laid to rest was loneliness “because my spouse was my all. I didn’t know how to live without him.” But her faith in God enabled her to
overcome all the pain and trials. “I kept on counting the blessings that God was giving me. My kids are the source of my strength, too. Each of them has a character of their father’s, which keeps him alive in our family.” Queeny adds that she was a witness to her husband’s faithfulness and strength of character. “That is why every time I am challenged, he is always my inspiration. I thank God for giving me the grace to accept the things that happened, and I am sure that He will always be with us no matter what. I am courageous because I know that God will always be with me to face the challenges of being a single mom.” Bambi recalls that 2007 was a very challenging year because Tito’s demise came just six months after her own mom died. She says that despite the heavy burden in her chest, she survived the double tragedy because of the support of her children, siblings, friends, and colleagues at work. “When I got breathless from all the stress, I would go to the adoration chapel and just sit there for hours,” she says. Otilia, too, sought strength and consolation from the Holy Spirit and
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Jesus Christ. “For five straight years, I would go to church dressed in white, symbol of the Risen One, and for a year, I would regularly visit [my husband’s grave].” She says she has only gratitude for the closeness between herself and her children. “My eldest did not marry until he found the right woman with whom I could relate well, and until he was sure I would have my own income from the little property my husband left us.”
single-parent CHallenges
After her husband died, Otilia and her children had to downgrade their lifestyle and leave their comfortable home in BelAir Village, Makati City. They transferred to a three-bedroom apartment that her eldest son built after amortizing their old home. Her son then gradually built an initial four-door apartment into a 10door apartment. “I was quite apprehensive as to whether we were doing the right thing, incurring a big debt with [the bank], but Eric proved his mettle in managing our finances well,” Otilia says. Similarly, Beth knew that they had to make big changes with her husband’s sudden departure. “I reminded my children about our present situation, most especially when it came to gadgets and toys. I [asked] them to set aside
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expenses and not to choose expensive things so they could finish their studies. Education was the only gift I could give them. And because of these, my children knew their limitations.” After she was widowed, Bambi struggled with the financial challenges of paying the kids’ tuition, giving them their daily allowance, and settling school and household expenses, all the while trying to keep her spirits up and lead her family that now was devoid of a father. “With the loss of my husband, there was no choice but to stand strong and determined for my children and their future. The year after he left us, we moved to another home to start over,” she shares. Queeny also had to learn to stand on her own feet. “I was very dependent on my husband when he was still alive but when he passed away, I had to change to prove to myself that I could do the things that I was afraid to face before. I became more hardworking and determined because I knew that my kids were looking up to me and I wanted to be a good example to them. I am always trying my best to be a good mom.”
reCogniZing Blessings
Today, years after losing their partner, the four widows have regained their composure and continue to be productive and purposeful with their lives.
“With the loss of my husband, there was no choice but to stand strong and determined for my children and their future.” “My children and I are coping well, I think. We live a simple, healthy, and comfortable life. We have just enough of everything,” says Bambi, describing their life seven years after Tito’s death. “I know I have the full support of my children, especially the grown-ups who help out in their own little way.” She says Byron, 26, a financial specialist, gives “a little amount of his salary whenever he has any to spare,” while Jarmy, 25, a Salesian cleric, “is the spiritual contributor in the family who reminds us of our religious duties.” She adds that she is positive that Blaine, 20, and Hero, 16, who are both still in school, will also do their part in helping her out in the future. Queeny, meanwhile, regards the last five years with her husband when they valiantly fought against cancer but lost as a rich time of learning, for it taught her “to be strong, faithful, and loving.” Her advice to couples is to “trust each other, be faithful to each other, and love with all your heart. Always remember your commitment to your partner and your commitment as a couple to God.” She continues: “Joey and I were together in sickness and in health, in sadness and in joy, for richer and for poorer, ’til death did we part. Even though our marriage was short, we both
since their kids were just 7 and 5 years old then. “I sincerely told Him my great inadequacy to rear our boys alone,” she recalls “But I knew I surrendered everything to His holy will. And He showed me His kindness by giving my husband back to our family for another 17 years.” knew and experienced what marriage was all about.” Beth, for her part, acknowledges the help extended by the Salesian community to their family, including the scholarships granted to her children
liVing full liVes
As the saying goes, life must go on, even for those whose world has been upended with the loss of their beloved. “I see myself forever a widow, [with] no plans of remarrying though no one
“As long as my children and I are together, in good health, we will survive.” Guian, now 23, Gilbert, 21, and Gavrie, 16. She is also grateful to her fellow Don Bosco Technical College parents and friends for their financial and moral support. “[They were there for] me and my kids when we were depressed and lonely,” she says. “Most of all, I thank God for all the blessings He Has bestowed upon my family.” When her husband had his second heart attack in 1958 and was given just a 1 percent chance to survive the night, Otilia went to the hospital chapel and begged God for Josue’s life, especially
can say,” says Bambi with a chuckle. “I would probably consider permanently retiring from work when Blaine and Hero have finished college.” She dreams of traveling to places she has never been to. “I’d like to join pilgrimages to the Vatican, the Holy Land, and other places in Europe. [I’d have] more me-time by then.” Beth, on the other hand, sees herself as becoming an even more determined and stronger widow who chooses to be happy, forget her problems and let go of worries, and move on. “As long as my children and I are
together, in good health, we will survive. My dream for them is to have a good future and have families of their own,” she says. “Thank God that my eldest son is employed and helps me with some of our expenses. He promised to help with his brother’s medical studies. All my sons promised that they will be there to give me a happier and more comfortable life.” “I work hard and pray a lot,” says Queeny. “My goals for my kids are to send them to school to help them be people for others. I want to see them find themselves the way God wants them to.” Adds the proud mom: “With the grace of God, all my children are still in school with the help of friends who support us unceasingly. I believe Marco [18], Chiara [15], Clarisse [11], and Marti [10] are doing okay, because they bring home good grades and honors.” She is happy to see the way they support and love one another. “I thank them for being supportive of me and loving me. They do not give me problems, which is why I can afford to share my time with others and take care of street children in the Hapag Community.” Otilia, who has been a widow for 39 years and turns 99 this November, says all that she is looking forward to now is the time when she will be “with my God faceto-face.” Yet, if He chooses that she stays on earth a little longer, “I only ask Him to give me strength to bear my aches and dependence [from being] of old age. I always ask God for patience each day. Otherwise, I must say that He has always been so generous and faithful to me!” She goes on: “My family is blessed withw both sanity and sanctity. Almost every Saturday evening, when my priestson, Francis [60], can come to celebrate the anticipated Mass, we would find the whole family complete. “My eldest son, Enrique [62], and my dearest daughter-in-law have made sure my grandchildren are properly educated and challenged to face their own struggles with wisdom and courage based on their faith in God’s providence and generosity. What more could I really ask for?” n
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BONDING
All in ThE
family
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Many parents are just too busy chasing deadlines or clients to run after their kids in a fun game of basketball, unaware that chilling with their brood is the biggest investment they can ever make. BY EXCEL V. DYQUIANGCO
Dannie is barely 2 years old, but her parents
Photos by bubuy balangue
Barnaby and Bunny Lo have already started teaching her in a fun and engaging manner that both work and play are intrinsic aspects of growing up. Training on work naturally centers on the easiest, simplest chores. “Right now, we are teaching her to feed the koi in our miniature waterfall and fish pond,” Bunny says. “We make it interesting for her and she likes it.” But the girl is such a little trouper she wants to involve herself in other household chores, too, and her parents let her. The proud mom adds, “She tries to mimic sweeping the floor and using the mop, although most of the time it makes the job messier.” As for playtime, this means allowing the toddler to explore her surroundings under the watchful eyes of her parents, such as by going to the mall, swimming in the inflatable pool in their garden, or attending play class. What the Lo couple is doing is creating as many family moments as possible with Dannie as they teach
“The idea behind having family activities is that you want the least expense and that you do these at least three to five times a week.”
Dannie enjoying her drawing activity with mom Bunny and dad Barnaby.
her new work and play skills. “With such everyday moments, we obviously grow closer together as a family, and it’s important for the child to see that she has a family that loves her unconditionally,” explains Barnaby.
immense gains
Sadly, these days many parents and their children barely see each other, transformed into strangers in their own homes by their busy, conflicting schedules and the ever increasing demands of work, business, and school.
This is to the detriment of the young in particular, who miss out on the necessary combination of love, guidance, and security that is the sacred duty of parents to provide and that their offspring needs to grow up confident and well adjusted. Constant family time has so many benefits. Not only does it foster closeness, it also helps your child’s mental, physical, emotional, and even spiritual development. Clan bonding times also build a child’s value system. “Your child can learn how to share, how to be kind and generous, and how to pray at all times,” says Maribel Dionisio, a relationship and parenting consultant. “Playing board games, for example, can help your child learn how to spend money wisely, while having a swim time regularly can help your child become healthier,” she adds.
taking aCtion
Among the most effective ways to ensure loving, cozy, and positive family relations is to have interesting family activities and hobbies together. “But the idea behind having family activities is that you want the least expense and that you do these at least three to five times a week,” says Dionisio. “Of course the activities should be ageappropriate as well.” Here are just some of the engaging activities your family can do together. n play board games. If you don’t like to go out much, buy a board game for you and your family to
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BONDING
the mother can teach the other child,” says Dionisio. “After a while, you may swap places. So this can be a physical activity for everyone, but at the same time, it breeds fun and excitement, too. Plus, the cost of the swimming pool is minimal, too.” n explore a wide range of fun-filled activities. “As a parent, you also need to be creative,” says Dionisio. “Instead of buying toys for your child, you can make them from scratch. Use whatever objects can be found in your home to make the activities exciting and enjoyable as well.” play with at least once a week. Popular ones such as Scrabble and Monopoly can even help your child to be more responsible, learn money management, and think creatively. “In our family, we revised the rules of Monopoly,” says Dionisio. “Since the game could go on and on, my husband decided that after one hour, the game will be over and the one who has the most money wins the game.” Plus, with board games, you get a chance to teach your child about rewards and consequences, and impart the right values. n learn to play a musical instrument. Does your child seem to have a flair for music? Then go teach him or her how to work a musical instrument, or you can even learn together. “If the whole family is musically inclined, you can even form a band,” says Dionisio. “This way, you get to nurture your child’s exceptional skills.” n take a hike. There must be a park nearby for a family stroll, jog, or picnic. The greenery and relaxing environment will help everyone unwind after a tiring week at the school or office. And while enjoying nature, you can talk to your children about God and his wonderful creations. “What is interesting about taking a walk around the park is that you don’t have to spend for anything,”
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says Dionisio. “Pack some goodies from home and eat it at the park. This is a quiet and serene place where you can talk with your children.” n go for a swim. Swimming is not only a wonderful family bonding moment, it also prepares kids for future emergencies, even as it helps them to appreciate the value of exercise and good health. “The father can teach his son how to swim, while
Sadly, these days many parents and their children barely see each other, transformed into strangers in their own homes by their busy, conflicting schedules.
a priCeless inVestment
Quality time with your children does not mean just a group date. You also need to set aside one-on-one time with each child so that parents can find out and develop “the uniqueness of each child.” The father can have a Monday date, for instance, while the mother can have a one-on-one date with the child on Fridays. “This is to let your child know that he or she is important to you,” says Dionisio. “You are also putting order in terms of how to connect with each child.” Dionisio reminds parents that it is important to invest in the first 10 years of their children’s lives. When the kids grow up and expand their world, chances are they won’t be spending as much time with you as they used to. But if you invested enough in their childhood, your children will continue to have strong connections with you even when you’re not together as often. And they will continue to benefit from the good memories they have accumulated, holding fast to the values they learned and bringing up their own families with the same close ties they grew up with. “So what you can do is to plan together as a family,” says Dionisio. “If you travel, travel together. If you stay at home, stay at home together. The bottom line is you can influence your child by reaching out to him.” n
Illustration By Ricus Afable
PARENTING
angry ThE
child
The worst thing a parent or a teacher can do when a child or teen is being offensive, antagonistic, or confrontational is to respond in kind. BY ANNABELLIE GRUENBERG
From infancy to 1½ years old, children are the
sweetest beings on earth. Until they reach 2. Then they start to say “no” (the first word they hear from adults) to everything, and insist on doing what they want to do.
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PARENTING
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These are the things that we, parents and teachers alike, need to be aware of if we are to understand and cope with behavioral problems in children and adolescents.
If children are not guided well during their formative years, they may resort to misbehavior to attract attention and express their frustration and anger.
an early start
It’s obvious that, as the adults in this relationship, the responsibility of ensuring children grow up in an environment of love, trust, and security lies heavily on our shoulders. But this is a duty we cannot abdicate on, for the long-term consequences are just as equally serious. So start early in planting the seeds of actions, words, and values that will bear the desired fruit—a child who grows up with respect for his or her elders and for himself or herself. n Have conversations about how to deal with problems, issues, and emotions. Make these dialogs interactive ones, but avoid turning them into lectures, blame sessions, and occasions for hurling hurtful words. These chats may be done both at home and in the classroom. n uncover the hidden messages behind the action or words of a misbehaving or rude child. Do not always think it is about or involves you. The child might be trying to express something difficult but is doing so inappropriately. n show respect. Children, too, expect their feelings to be understood and valued. Create a space for mutual respect. n the school is a good place for conversations about values. Look for creative ways to impart values other than just through lectures. Topics can be planned ahead of time. Teachers may work with parents for joint activities and mutual support. One effective activity I use in workshops is roleplaying. n make rules and guidelines at home and school. Allow the older children to participate in the process of drawing up doable guidelines and coming up with the consequences. This is teaching them to be responsible for their
Illustration By Ricus Afable
The “terrible two’s” is actually the stage when children are discovering and setting boundaries. But instead of guiding them to develop the healthy boundaries they need to grow into welladjusted adults, parents and teachers often regard kids’ undesirable actions as rude, disrespectful, and a show of stubbornness. And their usual reaction is to scold, punish, or demean without being aware of the effect of their harsh words on the child. From ages 0 to 7, children learn through imitation. If they are belittled, shouted at, or given corporal punishment, they will take it as the way things should be, and imitate the adults’ behavior, giving rise to problematic attitude in some kids. During these years, too, little ones need and want attention. If they are not heard or acknowledged, or guided lovingly and positively during the formative years, they may resort to misbehavior to attract attention and express their frustration and anger. And during their teenage years, when the desire to become independent emerges, these neglected kids may turn disrespectful and defiant toward figures of authority, like parents and teachers, as a defense mechanism. They would rather hurt others than let others hurt or betray them again. On the other hand, if a child is brought up with love and care, yet still acts up frequently—always defies everybody and flouts rules, throws tantrums, shows violent behavior, and uses foul language—he or she may be exhibiting symptoms of ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), a mental disorder characterized by an ongoing pattern of uncooperative, defiant, hostile, and annoying behavior toward people in authority. This condition requires intervention by a mental health professional.
Photo by Yul Sabio
When the child is losing his or her temper, make sure you are in control of your own behavior.
behavior. And make sure to implement the guidelines strictly. n redirect brimming energies to meaningful activities. Encourage young people to join community or school organizations that will help them develop values and social awareness. You may invite them to join you in an advocacy,
pick up a sport, or enroll in creative arts together. Or, have mini-projects at home for a cause or for extra family income. The important thing is the purpose behind the activity. Remember, too, that the child must be interested enough in the undertaking to pursue it. Imposing an activity of your choice defeats the purpose. Most important of all: Be a role model. Since children imitate adults and teens look for someone to look up to and emulate, strive to be the walking example of the behavior or attitude you expect them to have. n
Letting off steam What should you do when a child is being belligerent and combative? Below are some tips for parents and teachers on how to ease a potentially volatile situation. Be calm. Avoid reacting negatively and angrily. An attacking stance will only provoke more defensive behavior. It will help to stand straight and tall, cross your arms, establish eye contact, and quietly say you will not listen to the tirade. You may say calmly but firmly, “I will not continue receiving this kind of behavior (or language). I am willing to listen when you are ready to talk about this (or work this out). Let me know when you are ready.” Then quietly and calmly leave the scene. This will also give the child the time and space to calm down, too.
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demonstrate self-respect and selfcontrol. When the child is losing his or her temper, make sure you are in control of your own behavior. Responding with outbursts or violent reactions yourself will only worsen the situation and prove to the kid that you are indeed the enemy deserving of rude action and language. Avoid provocation. Hold back on lines like, “Because I said so,” “From now on you are banned from…” or “Shut up! Stop it right now or else.” Coercive language, action, and threats will just add fuel to the child’s anger and hatred, and make him or her retaliate with more hurtful words. focus on the issue or problem rather than the action. Teens tend to focus on their feelings rather than on the problem. As the adult, it is your role to redirect the
conversation toward processing the issue rather than snapping at the child for the negative behavior. If the child is not ready to talk calmly, step back for a while. don’t take things personally. The youngster may be having issues or problems he or she is trying to deal with that may have nothing to do with you. Pain, frustration, and fear may have triggered the outburst, and your truculent reaction won’t help matters. Rather than take it against the child, offer help. Engaging in a dialogue about the problem, what happened, and how it happened may lead to lessons learned. And after you have processed and worked on the problem together, agree on consequences rather than impose punishment.
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Youth
STARRING
Sweet sunny
AND
Janella SALVADOR This adorable teen is happy to be a positive influence on young people, urging them to stay honest, humble, and principled even as they reach for lofty goals. BY MARIDOL RANOA-BISMARK
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Kapamilya star Janella Salvador has always been a sweet, loving, conscientious person, and now she’s a role model that young people look up to. Even when she was just 4, the now 16-year-old teen already wanted to find a way to please her mom, theater actress Jenine Desiderio, who previously played Kim in the original production of Miss Saigon. “My best memory of her when she was small was when my birthday came and I received so many flowers from so many friends,” recalls Jenine. “I was still asleep. When I woke up, I opened my bedroom door to find on the doorstep a bunch of santan flowers from our backyard with a handwritten birthday greeting! Ayaw patalo!”
Of course, that handwritten note came from Janella. “We have our own love language,” Jenine relates.
Budding aCHieVer
Janella was already showing signs of being an achiever at a very young age. In fact she could already sing the high notes of Minnie Riperton’s “Loving You” when still a precocious toddler. At 5, Janella joined Playshop Kids, which develops children’s musical and performing talents every summer. And when she was 10, the talented daughter of singer-songwriter Juan Miguel Salvador became one of Maestro Ryan Cayabyab’s scholars. Ironically, it was GMA 7, her home network ABS-CBN’s rival station, that kicked off. Janella’s career. She was first spotted on Eat Bulaga when she guested as one of the kids of celebrities. Asked to sing impromptu, she sang “Reflection” a capella. A few days later, Jenine got a call from Star Magic, which launched Janella a year ago as a member of Star Magic Circle 2013. “I felt so happy. Many people dreamed of being launched in Star Magic and I am really thankful kasama ako,” the pretty teenager gushed back then. Star Magic then exposed her to ASAP, the noontime variety show where Janella sings and dances every Sunday. But her ticket to fame is the long-
She’s not the type to bank on showbiz rivalry to become more popular and be talked about.
“Keep smiling because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.” running TV drama series Be Careful with my Heart, where Janella plays Nikki Lim, the middle child of Sir Chief, played by Richard Yap. Janella gave Ma’am Nikki a life of her own, standing out as “The G-R-R-R Girl” who loved to say, “Oh my G, Oh my G, Ooohh my Gggggg!!!” She was such a natural playing her character that people soon started calling her “Ma’am Nikki” in public. Ma’am Nikki even has her own Facebook page where fans love to post comments.
in demand
Thanks to the show, Janella already has assignments lined up for when the daytime series wraps up, reportedly sometime this year. “I will have a new show, but I can’t give out the details,” she says. Regal Films is also giving Janella her first-ever movie. Again, the details are still under wraps. And as if her sevendays-a-week schedule is not enough, Janella revealed she wants to release a pop-R&B album. The former distance-learning student, who had to stop temporarily because of her hectic schedule—remembers bringing books to the set just to keep up with school work. But for now, it’s work—and being a good ate to her little brother Russell—that keeps Janella busy. With mom behind the wheel, Russell would sometimes go with Janella to outof-town shootings and find a friend to play with while Ate works.
no to romanCe
Mom Jenine is proud of her daughter's good values, including her refusal to play the controversy card to draw attention to herself.
The proud mom is also a protective parent. A single parent for 12 years now, Jenine doesn’t allow Janella to entertain suitors yet to shield her daughter from the pain of a relationship gone wrong. september-november 2014
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Youth
STARRING
“She’s too young. She’s only 16. I’m quite old school with my values. With the world that we live in right now, I believe that’s the only way I can protect her,” Jenine explains. Janella is properly chaperoned whenever she goes out of the house. Sometimes Jenine herself is the chaperone. At other times, someone from her management company, DMV Entertainment, goes with Janella to showbiz events, which often last late into the night. But Jenine knows her daughter needs friends of her age in order to grow up as a normal person, so she doesn’t keep Janella from making friends, both male and female. “I allow her to hang out with friends and cultivate friendships,” states Jenine.
not into gimmiCkry
Because of this, Janella has blossomed into a confident young lady, ready to hold her head high amidst the usual showbiz intrigues.
Janella wants her followers to do what is right, even as she frankly admits she once tried to take the easy way out in school, too. Janella refuses to get caught up in the so-called rivalry between her and fellow Star Magic artist Julia Barretto. “We’re friends,” she explains. She adds that she’s not the type to bank on showbiz rivalry to become more popular and be talked about. In other words, Janella is no troublemaker who will create intrigues just to get ahead. Janella updates her fans on her activities through her Twitter account (@superjanella), where so far she has uploaded 568 photos and videos. The account has a whopping 541,000 followers. These fans also ask the public to vote for Janella as Yahoo Celebrity Awards 2014 Female Emerging Star.
life is Beautiful
The statement that is displayed prominently on her Twitter account shows Janella’s rosy attitude towards life. “Keep smiling because life’s a beautiful thing and there’s so much to smile about.”
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You can’t blame her. Things are indeed looking up for her. Her long, dark tresses have landed her a commercial project for a popular shampoo brand. She was one of the recipients of the German Moreno Youth Achievement Awards in 2013. This year is not yet over, but Janella already has two awards from the 45th Box Office Entertainment Awards of the Guillermo Mendoza Memorial Scholarship Foundation. These are Most Promising Female Star of the Year and Most Promising Love Team on Television with Jerome Ponce. “I’m overwhelmed,” Janella admits. But she’s not complaining. In fact, she’s happy that young people regard her as a role model and are inspired by her to achieve more while keeping the good values their parents taught them. For these young people, Janella has a simple and direct message. “Be confident of yourself.” This way, others will believe in you, and good things will happen to you, the way it did for the Kapamilya artist after Be Careful with My Heart.
Humility and Honesty
She also reminds her Twitter followers who are struggling with difficult exams, assignments, and projects to be honest. “Don’t copy answers sa school, guys, ha! Big no-no!” Like the good ate she is in real life, Janella wants her followers to do what is right, even as she frankly admits she once tried to take the easy way out in school, too. But she has learned from her mistakes, and hopes others will learn from hers, too. Janella is humble enough to remind her followers that she is as human and as flawed as everyone else. By being herself, Janella is getting more followers who aspire to be as real, humble, and down-to-earth as she is. The teen singer-actress is taking her image as a role model oh-so-seriously, and happily influencing others along the way to stardom. n
GROWING
Photo by DBPI-Multimedia Services
Youth
shapes sizes IN ALL
AND
Learn how to cultivate a healthy body image that is not based on false standards such as technology-enhanced images or physical features improved by a surgeon’s scalpel. BY AILEEN CARREON
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Youth
GROWING
With the images fed
by media on what makes a person attractive, you’re led to believe that to be considered beautiful, you must conform to a certain look or body type. Girls should have perfect bodies, long silky hair, and fair skin. Boys should be tall and buff. Right? Well, not necessarily. A morena girl with a charming smile and a young man who has no bulging biceps but looks neat and clean are also attractive. Your unique assets are what makes you beautiful in your own right. Learn to accept, appreciate, and embrace the characteristics that make you different from others. Doing so will help you develop a positive body image. “Body image is an internal assessment and perception about how one looks and feels about his or her physical appearance. While it is normal to like some body parts and dislike or complain about others, body image is usually an overall perception that can range from extremely negative to very positive. A person with a positive body image is happy about how he or she looks and feels good about his or her body,” says psychologist Naira Orbeta.
How to like yourself
Here are ways to maintain a healthy body image and good self-esteem. don’t base your body image on what you see in media. Television, magazines, and the Internet constantly bombard us with idealized body images that are impossible to measure up to. “Modern media and present society have somehow [developed] unnatural standards with regards to body image,” says Orbeta. “Teenagers then imbibe these standards and become beset with anxiety and lack of confidence.” Because of what’s played up in media, most young women want to be thin and willowy. Being beautiful is also equated with a blemish-free face, fair and flawless skin, and shiny long hair. On the other hand, most young men want bulging biceps and washboard abs. “Standard issues for boys are related
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Practice healthy skepticism about the ideal images of men and women being peddled by media. to masculinity. As such, strong-looking muscles and a developed physique are in. Being overweight is frowned upon because it gives the impression of softness,” says Orberta. But perfect bodies are the exception rather than the rule. Media and other influences in your life should never have more control over your life than you do.
It will also help to practice healthy skepticism about the ideal images of men and women being peddled by media. Nowadays, images can be easily computer-enhanced to look picture perfect. You would not want to evaluate yourself based on something that isn’t even authentic. It is better to base your body image on what is real, like medically accepted standards. For example, you can calculate your body mass index, or the ratio of your weight to your height, to see if it is within the normal weight range. This way, you work on staying and feeling healthy rather than focusing solely on appearances. Don’t let unrealistic goals fester; concentrate instead on living healthy and enjoying the results.
Be active. Your body image gets a boost when your body feels healthy and strong. “Get involved. This does not have to be about sports or exercise. But move your body as it was meant to move. This way, you get to appreciate it more and forgive its limitations,” advises Orbeta. develop your talents. “Attend personal development classes, talks, and seminars like those on leadership training, communication skills... This way, you [develop] your other competencies and do not rely solely on physical attributes,” suggests Orbeta. “If you [nurture] your talents in areas like the arts, sports, music, academics, social involvement, then you can take
pride in your achievements and not on externals alone.” According to Orbeta, school activities such as sports, physical education, dancing, and drama, and even subjects on grooming aim to help you appreciate the various ways you can use your body. “By getting involved in some type of activity that involves the body and in which you can excel, you can appreciate better your unique talents, and you [can better] counteract media and societal stereotypes on body image. You learn to take pride in your achievements,” says Orbeta. “Focus also on developing your character, not externals alone,” she adds.
Photo by DBPI-Multimedia Services
Be kind to yourself and others. Don’t be over-critical with yourself. Focus on your assets—the things about your body that you are grateful for. This will shift your attention from self-criticism to gratitude and appreciation. In the same way, don’t be judgmental of others.
“Learn not to make insensitive comments. The sad truth is that many people unthinkingly say things like ‘ang taba-taba mo’ or ‘ang itim-itim mo’ like it’s a normal conversation starter,” observes Orbeta. “Refrain from saying hurtful things about physical appearance. Adopt the philosophy, ‘I’m OK, you’re OK,’” she says. indulge in positive self-talk. Listen to the “voice in your head.” “Is it positive or negative?” asks Orbeta. “Does it say, ‘I am so lucky to have these when so many do not?’ Does it say, ‘I am OK whatever others think?’ Does it say, ‘I will survive and thrive no matter what?’”
change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. “When you hear the negative voice, reframe and change it. The more you practice, the more it becomes natural,” she continues.
tHe reality CHeCk
Aspiring for a certain ideal is part of growing up. “That is why we groom [ourselves]—take a bath, clean our face, exercise, watch our diets. If it helps our overall self-image, then it is an adaptive mechanism,” says Orbeta. “But take note that what is healthy is when we accept who we are physically and strive to improve [on] what we can. What may be
“Refrain from saying hurtful things about physical appearance. Adopt the philosophy, ‘I’m OK, you’re OK.’” She goes on: “Or does it say, ‘You are so fat, so ugly, so worthless?’ Is [your inner voice] the jealous type? Is it sad? Does it say, ‘Life is so meaningless, so boring, not a happy place’?” “If you are more on the negative [side], then you have to retrain yourself to be more positive. Do self-talk. Say, ‘I accept who I am, with all my flaws, because I am a worthwhile person and unique. I’m OK.’” According to Orbeta, it does not have to be a radical change. “You cannot, for instance, have been thinking in your head for years that you are so ugly, then suddenly turn around and say, ‘I am so good-looking.’” She advises finding a more realistic middle ground. “Say, for instance, ‘I am OK.’ If you try to change your negative thoughts to a more positive note slowly, you will be surprised at the change in your overall outlook and even behavior in life.” Orbeta also recommends this quote from Reinhold Niebuhr: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot
unhealthy is if we want to change what cannot or should not be changed.” Orbeta cautions further: “If as teens, you are already thinking about plastic surgery or some such thing, then it can be destructive. In extreme cases, some people even become addicted to surgery.” When it comes to cultivating a positive body image, it is important to remember that you are the one in control. Therefore, you can make it more about health, appreciation, and gratitude rather than criticism, social comparison, and extreme efforts to meet unattainable ideals. n
Naira S. Orbeta is a private consultant-psychologist, trainor, and counselor. She has a B.A. in Psychology and a Master of Arts in Guidance and Counselling from De La Salle University (DLSU). She is a sport psychology consultant at DLSU and works for Moozen Consulting. She currently serves as Managing Council Treasurer and Philippine Representative of the Asia South Pacific Association of Sport Psychology.
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Youth
BALANCING
faith
working student
Do you bemoan your ‘boring’ home-school routine? You might think differently when you get to know the struggles of those who are forced to hold down a job just to get what you take for granted. BY STEPHANIE MAYO 30 FamilyMatters
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Jocelyn Miranda, like countless other Filipino students, was not fortunate enough to have parents who could send her to school. So, over everyone’s protests, Jocelyn started working when barely in her teens, hoping to finish school and make something of herself and release her family from the grip of poverty. She was then 12 and in high school when she began working as a store assistant for relatives who owned a grain retail and wholesale store. Jocelyn supported herself until she earned a degree in Commerce, Majoring in Accounting, from the University of Baguio. However, right after graduation, instead of finding professional work, she went abroad to work as a domestic helper in order to help send her three sisters and a brother through college.
Illustration by Ricus afable
mY LIFE AS A
Jocelyn, 48, now lives in Sydney, Australia, and has a diploma in Marketing and an advanced diploma in Accounting from TAFE NSW—Australia’s largest vocational school. Through her work, she was able to send her four siblings to university and purchase property, including her own house. But her drive doesn’t end there. Now planning to take on a different venture, Jocelyn is pursuing further skills training and is currently in her second year taking up Financial Planning at TAFE NSW. To save money for her new endeavor, she is working two jobs while completing her course. “I have two jobs at the moment,” Jocelyn says, “as a full-time and stayin nanny [in Australia] and as a parttime online purchasing assistant for a company in China.”
reluCtant to work
Unlike Jocelyn who wholeheartedly embraced life as a working student, Demi Barbra Angeles was initially against the idea and was just coaxed to work by her family. “It was hard for me to accept it,” Demi says, “so the motivation wasn’t really there. I just wanted to study.” She was among those whose education was imperilled by the collapse of the education plan industry in the country. “When CAP did not fulfill their promise to shoulder the other half of my tuition, seven trimesters’ worth of fees piled up,” Demi shares. “That time our family was starting to experience financial problems, and nobody was willing to pay for my tuition anymore— unless I transferred to another school. I refused to transfer because of the difference in the quality of education and the environment.” Demi started working at 19 and is now 24 years old, a fourth year college student at AMA Computer University East, in Rizal, Antipolo City. She helps pay for her tuition from her earnings as a freelance writer, researcher, and social media/brand manager.
a day in tHeir liVes
Instead of enjoying their off-school life as most young people do, working students have to give up rest and recreation. Riza dela Torre began working as house help at the age of 14 to cover her high school expenses. Now she is a college student employed part-time as a personal assistant in an Internet café as she pursues her degree in Business Administration, Major in Marketing Management. Riza laments, “Yung time na gusto mo sanang bumisita sa pamilya Demi Angeles
“my advice is to find a job that would support them, learn to live a frugal life when necessary, and be financially literate.” mo, di mo magawa kasi may work at pasok ka. Gusto mong matulog, pero di maaari. May mag-i-invite sa iyo mag-party o pumasyal, pero di maaari— kahit mga special events like birthdays, weddings, mga outing, hindi ko na rin mapuntahan.” Jocelyn’s life revolves around work and studies, too, with hardly any time left for anything else. “I wake up early to help my ward dress for school and to make sure that she prepares her lunch box. Then I walk her to school, which is just nearby,” Jocelyn says, describing her daily life. “Then I start preparing for my own classes. I take the oneand-a-half-hour train ride to school. After my classes in the afternoon, I pick up my ward
Riza dela Torre
Jocelyn Miranda
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Youth
BALANCING
Only 50 percent of working students get to finish college, as many cannot concentrate on their studies, while some have poor health, and others lack funds. from her school, walk her home, and then help her with her homework.” She resumes working after dinner, “I log on to the Internet to check for tasks assigned by my boss in China. After my part-time work is done, I then proceed with my own school assignments. That’s my everyday routine.” Jocelyn has Saturdays off and uses Sundays to complete unfinished tasks. Asked what she considers her greatest challenge as a working student, Jocelyn says, “Maintaining reasonable marks during exams to complete the course and at the same time delivering quality job to employers to make them happy and keep me employed.” Demi ponders her own challenges as a working student. “It’s easy to get swallowed up by the pain, the sorrow, the hatred,” she admits. “Throw in immaturity in the mix, and you feel like giving up every time. Sometimes you want a timeout from everything and just rest.”
BrigHt spots
Despite the many challenges facing working students, Jocelyn shares that this lifestyle also has its rewards— foremost of which is financial independence. “I don’t carry the burden of owing someone a debt for paying my tuition, or utang na loob,” she says. Demi shares that she has moments of joy from work, such as when she’s
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“learning something new, meeting people, going to places, and earning the respect of my professors and classmates, and when someone tells me that I’ve inspired them! I am proud to be a working student!” “Being a working student, it feels like you have an edge compared to other students,” Riza explains. “Yung feeling mo na mas lamang ka sa kanila kasi nag-aaral ka pa lang eh alam mo na kung paano maghanapbuhay. At yung alam mo na mayroon kang knowledge at kakayahan na wala sila. Enjoy na nakakapagod!”
words of Courage
According to the Commission on Higher Education, only 50 percent of working students get to finish college, “as many cannot cope with and cannot concentrate on their studies, while some have poor health, while others give up because of insufficient funds.”
To students who are financially challenged, Jocelyn, Riza, and Demi have some helpful tips. “My advice is to find a job that would support them, learn to live a frugal life when necessary, and be financially literate,” Jocelyn says. “Being financially literate means that you know how to allocate your earnings to different expenses and make sure that no single cent is spent on unnecessary things.” Riza advises students to “get a job that is suitable to your abilities and which can help you pay for your studies. And do not blame your parents for being unable to give you a good life. Maging matiisin! Kaya ninyo yan.” Demi adds: “Exhaust all possible options for you to get your diploma. Apply for part-time jobs or scholarships. If you have skills or talents, make the most out of them. Nothing is impossible! Change is hard, but change is also good. Working at an early age will help you discover more about yourself.” All three also proffer words of encouragement to those who feel so burdened they want to throw in the towel. “Prayer is your weapon when you are weary and feel like giving up,” Demi says. “God will see you through!” Jocelyn points out the keys to success amid adversity: “Perseverance, a positive outlook, focusing on your goals—and faith in God.” And Riza chimes in, “Isipin n’yo na lang na ang lahat ng paghihirap na nararanasan n’yo ay may katapusan. Wala rin namang ibinibigay na pagsubok ang Diyos na hindi natin kaya. Kahit madapa ka, bangon ka lang ulit!” n
Youth
CHOOSING
Builders OF
hope
Interested in advocacy work? Meet this group of volunteer classroom builders who go to the highest mountains, the forgotten communities, and the strife-torn danger zones to give kids the gift of education. BY EXCEL V. DYQUIANGCO
When Sarah Lumang was invited by a good friend to go up Mount Pulag in Benguet, she asked out of curiosity, “What is up there?” All she got was a mysterious smile before she was whisked off to a land where classrooms are scarce and children are hungry for books and knowledge. “We wanted to do something that was close to our hearts,” says Sarah of that trip. That “something,” they decided, was to build classrooms in far-flung places to give children in remote communities an opportunity to get an education. Sarah, who used to work in a multinational IT firm that specializes in online education, entered into the activity with almost reckless abandon, not really comprehending yet the trials ahead. sePteMbeR-noVeMbeR 2014
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CHOOSING
At first only five of them carried out the classroom project in the mountain. But after they started to network with people who shared their passion and goals, their advocacy slowly gained support. Two of its earliest supporters were the Federation of Filipino-Chinese Chambers of Commerce and Industry, and TEN Moves, an Ayala foundation that asks people to donate at least P10 a day to build classrooms. Soon, other donors started pledging their time and resources as well.
CatCHing fire
Eventually, the group of classroom builders expanded to include architects, artists, designers, and other volunteers who offered to help paint, build, and design the classrooms, as well as to teach the students and teachers useful skills to improve themselves and their communities. In Sitio Babalak, the highest point on Mount Pulag, Sarah’s team was able to construct a two-classroom building in just two months. A few months later, they built a campus with four classrooms, a library complex, and a media center complete with Internet connection and Mac desktop computers. “The grade
The advocacy of Sarah Lumang (second from left) and her group is not for the faint of heart.
school students were taught how to draw images and pictures using some applications,” she says. Afterwards, the group moved to other towns and municipalities on Mount Pulag, even doing repairs on the leaky roofs of existing classrooms. “We’re really trying to make sure that the kids there get the education that they need, even when the place is above sea level,” she says. If you can build schools and develop students’ talents and skills, you give hope for a better life even for those who reside in the remotest areas, she explains. From Mount Pulag, Sarah’s group went down south to Pag-asa, Palawan,
If you can build schools and develop students’ talents and skills, you give hope for a better life even for those who reside in the remotest areas.
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to replicate their work. They next made a stop in Jolo, Sulu, to rebuild an elementary school after receiving a moving letter from a Grade 6 student telling them how it burned down. Now called Klasrum ng Pag-asa, the advocacy requires of its volunteers passion, determination, and fearlessness. The group even braved going to Patikul, Sulu, the well-known base of the terrorist group Abu Sayyaf, to construct more classrooms.
CHallenges and dangers
During the first few days of their volunteer work, Sarah went up Mount Pulag almost every weekend to give the
salaries of the construction workers and check on their progress. She remembers one particular incident when she herself had to lug the construction materials— cement, glass, windows—by foot up the slope because there was no equipment available or additional workers were not around at the time. “For our advocacy, the hardest part was really bringing in the materials,” she says. In Jolo and Patikul, they were lucky to get assistance from the Philippine Marines. The soldiers ferried the materials aboard C-130 military planes and on ships to reach Sulu, and also joined them in building the classrooms. Another time, a super typhoon struck while they were on Mount Pulag to give lessons in photography. They were accompanied by members of Juan Portrait, an organization of volunteer photographers who teach photography class to children. “When we were going up the mountain, there were no rains and winds yet,” Sarah says. “When we got to the schools, the storm started to surge. It was funny since I was looking at the solar panels and wondering what I should do just in case the solar panels gave way. But nothing happened and we were there for two days and got down when the weather stabilized.” One time in Patikul, they were painting the classroom walls when
her children have grown more sensitive to the needs of others and are taking responsibility to alleviate their problems.
gunshots erupted nearby. The crew hurried with their work, having heard stories of kidnappings and summary executions in the area. Fortunately, they never had any encounters with the Abu Sayyaf. And in September 2013, the volunteers were almost trapped in the Zamboanga siege. They had come from Sulu and were passing through the province on their way back to Manila when chaos ensued. “We were wondering what was going on, but we were brought back to the airport almost immediately and were able to fly out,” she says. But even in the face of lifethreatening danger, Sarah knows in her heart that nothing can sway the group from their mission of setting up learning centers where these are most needed.
tHe baYanihan spirit
What keeps these humanitarians going despite these challenges is the growing number of individuals and organizations drawn to their cause. Among them are Black Pencil Project, which hands out pencils to schoolchildren; Bear Hugs, an initiative that gives out stuffed toys to displaced communities; and Naughty Loose Divers, an association of scuba divers that raises funds for building school classrooms through dive trips. There are also the Storytelling Project, which engages kids in storytelling
activities to encourage their imagination, especially in telling stories about their culture and community, and Art Attack Team, which helps enliven school settings by creating vibrant, hopeful murals of the local culture.
a family affair
Sarah is happy that the two people closest to her heart—her daughters— share her vision and eagerly accepted her invitation to take part in their project. “Their experience was really nice. They get to interact with the children and learn the dialects of these people,” she says. “It grounds my kids since they are city girls. One of my daughters even told me when we climbed Mount Pulag, ‘Ma, it’s so green here.’” She has also started to observe positive changes in them, noting how her children have grown more sensitive to the needs of others and are taking responsibility to alleviate their problems. In fact when her daughters joined a club in school, they suggested that the club engage in worthwhile social work like their mom’s advocacy. “On the weekends, we do our social work and on weekdays, they do their school activities,” Sarah says. “Last year, it was the graduation of the kids from Mount Pulag and my children had to be there, so I asked permission from their teachers if they could go.” In the near future, the Klasrum ng Pag-asa foundation plans to join in efforts to rebuild the classrooms in the Yolanda-devastated provinces of Samar and Leyte. “When I think about it, a lot of the things that we did started out with small steps,” Sarah says. “And from one small step to another it has become a big ripple, as so many friends and people along the way have joined us in our shared passion. This is indeed the bayanihan spirit very much alive among Filipinos.” n
september-november 2014
FamilyMatters
35
HONORING HONORING
good company IN
Visiting our dear departed come November is a rich Filipino custom that presents opportunities for clans to come together and reinforce ties, thank their forebears for their guidance, and pass on to the next generation their enduring legacy of family values. BY ERLINDA ESGUERRA 36 FamilyMatters
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If we were playing word
association and you told me “All Saints’ Day,” the first thing that I would blurt out is “traffic.” All Saints’ Day in the Philippines, circa ’80s to ’90s (I’m now in my 60’s) was all about getting stuck in a four- to six-hour traffic jam, wiggling our way from our Quezon City home to Loyola Memorial Park, my father and grandmother’s resting place, in Marikina. Almost everyone at that time celebrated All Saints’ Day on one particular day—November 1 (also called Undas)—only. You’ve got to be there on November 1 no matter what; failing to go was tantamount to snubbing or disrespecting the dead. Fast-forward to the late 1990s and 2000s, and people had become more practical, realizing that they didn’t have to box themselves into the November 1 mindset for the sake of their sanity. They could pay their respects a few days earlier or later. Thus, a more bearable annual traffic configuration was born. Now that my family lives in the States, we have missed out a lot on this tradition, but memories of my experiences remain fresh. This November ritual is an indelible part of the Filipino character, proof of that vigorous pulse that flows in Filipino
blood—our sense of connectedness to the people we love. In my family, the yearly ritual starts with several days of planning what we’re going to take to the cemetery. As though planning an intimate party, we think of cooking adobo (how adobo could taste so good in that place beats me) and preparing chicken salad and cheese pimiento sandwiches at the place. The thought of having only a few square feet of space to spread out all of our paraphernalia of pots and pans does not faze us a bit. As long as we have little benches and a table cloth, we’re bringing it on. The more determined, organized ones usually get tents set up for a more “homey” or picnic-style atmosphere. And all this planning is done with such excitement! Upon reaching the promised land, prayers and flowers for the tombs are the first order of the day. We take a little quiet time to thank the Lord for having given our loved ones to us. We ponder how blessed we are to have basked in their company, to have learned values from the way they lived, to have remembered their favorite things. Suddenly this meditation is broken by little feet running all over the place, discovering little spots here and there, like a burger stand or a pizza corner. Why, there’s even cotton candy! It is not uncommon to bump into a few friends
This November ritual is an indelible part of the Filipino character, proof of that vigorous pulse that flows in Filipino blood—our sense of connectedness to the people we love. who are there for the same purpose, and to unwittingly get the latest scoops about this or that acquaintance. It’s all just a fun atmosphere and one really big social event. And when it’s time to wind down, after everyone has spent all their energy, comes the time to talk a little more about our dear departed. My older brother, who has a gift for story-telling and humor, might mention one little thing about our departed father. And then all chime
in. Yes, Tay had such a big heart that he almost got everyone in his Bulacan hometown employed in his Public Works office. And Nay was the only one who always remembered everybody’s birthday. She could also remember little details about stories you told her 30 years ago which you yourself had forgotten. What a memory! Then as now, a smile crosses my face as I summon memories of my late mother, father, and grandmother. I feel a stab in my heart as I long for their company again, which is never to be. How I miss my mom’s warmth and ever welcoming attitude to all of us and to people with her at home (we lost her just two years ago). Now that I’m an empty nester myself, I can relate to how hungry she was for the company of her children and grandchildren, how she took note of how many weekends she had not seen the grandchildren. Yes, Mom, now I can relate. And about my father, it was a surprise for us when my daughter discovered that he did write an autobiography before he passed on. There, in more detail, he talked about coming from a poor family of 10, yet due to his never-saydie attitude, managed to pass his Civil Engineering course, finishing number three in the board exams using only books borrowed from his classmates. What lives to celebrate! And as the darkness starts to creep in that day, everyone cleans up, satisfied and ready to go back to the daily grind. Again, we end with a prayer of thanks and lift up our loved ones to the Lord. At least for one day during the year, we are able to go out of our way and gather in their name, tired physically but refreshed spiritually, happy that we are able to say a big thank-you to our loved ones and to the Lord for the precious gift of life. Oh, how beautiful it is to remember those who had been with us! The connectedness never ends; it just transforms into a different level. And how blessed we are to have a faith that assures us He has a master plan and a meaning for all of this loving and letting go. n
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DEVELOPING
time FOR A
change Learn the secret for keeping students motivated to study and learn.
Teachers get immense joy from seeing the drive and enthusiasm in their students at the start of a new school year. However, by midyear, some learners may start to show signs of boredom and loss of motivation as the routine of schoolwork starts getting to them, affecting their academic performance. According to educators Rowena “Weng” Palma and Alyssa “Lysa” Grace Geronimo, faculty members of Sacred Heart School Makati, having to do things the same way over and over again is one of the reasons students’ enthusiasm for studying fades. “They’ve become so used to the routine that they do not look forward to it anymore. [Activities no longer] excite them because they [already know] how everything works inside the classroom,” explains Teacher Weng. Another reason could be that “the teachers already feel satisfied with how things are,” she adds. “As long as they finish their lessons for the day, they are not too concerned if the students are absorbing what they teach or are enjoying class overall.” Of course that isn’t how a teacher should be, she points out. “Students will feel abandoned when teachers only exert minimal effort. Maintaining a routine is one positive aspect of classroom management, but a little change 38 FamilyMatters
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Illustration by Ricus afable
BY GABRIEL JOSHUA M. FLORESCA
during most times of the school year, especially when it comes to school activities that students enjoy, can liven up the classroom atmosphere.” Apart from getting better grades, there are other benefits in keeping students motivated. “It may not seem apparent at first, but students enjoy applying what they have learned in school in their day-to-day lives. There will certainly be ‘Aha!’ moments that will help keep them motivated to study,” says Teacher Lysa. “Also, when teachers keep reminding students that learning is a continuous process and that there is a connection between past lessons and what they are studying now, children get to enjoy the process of learning,” she further says. Both teachers also suggest giving examples and sharing stories of successful people to serve as role models for students to look up to and get inspiration from, especially on what they want to be later on in life.
“A little change during most times of the school year, especially when it comes to school activities that students enjoy, can liven up the classroom atmosphere.”
10 motiVation driVers
Teacher Weng and Teacher Lysa enumerate 10 tips for encouraging students to improve their school performance: n know your students. This is an essential step in knowing what will suit your students’ study habits and in assessing their rate of understanding. Once you get an inkling of these two factors in learning, you can begin to uncover the reason or reasons for their lack of interest and can make adjustments to help them recover from the slump. n make learning interactive. Involve the students in the lessons and activities as much as possible. Remember that the teachers’ main role is to be facilitators. n solicit feedback. Get input from your students then apply their suggestions to your lessons. This way, they will feel more involved in class goings-on. n target all the senses. Take into consideration the different types of learners (think multiple intelligences), and use different activities to address differing styles of learning.
n allow room for mistakes. Compliment your students even if their answers are just “almost” correct for at least giving it their best shot. n give feedback. Saying “very good!” or even a thumbs-up will surely go a long way! n Change routines occasionally. While having a routine is good, diverting from it once in a while is a healthy way to prevent losing the class’ attention. Make it a point to spring surprises once in a while. n Create a new environment. This could be a new time slot, a new atmosphere, new gadgets appropriate for the age and competency of the students, or new
people who will assist in their progress. n involve the parents. Learning is not limited within the school. You have to have backup, preferably from the student’s home. If these two environments work together, a child will surely continue to enjoy learning. n Have a reward system. Students are more motivated when they know that they’ll get something in return.
rewarding effort
Indeed, proper implementation of the reward system could lead to a more successful and fun learning. This is true not just in school but even at home. “Like teachers, parents as well need september-november 2014
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DEVELOPING
“I think about how much my parents spend for my tuition and school needs… so I study harder [to] repay them… For me, education is a stepping stone to a better future. I know studying will play a big part [in helping] me achieve my dream of building my own business in the future. Set an achievable grade target for each grading period.” Felicity Jaye Gabrielle Gutierrez, 11, Grade 5
is key attitude e iv it s o ap dying… “I think ed of stu ng ir t g in t t e have a lo to not g le, if you by little and p m a x e For little ork, do it essing rather homew ogr u are pr long it is think yo ut how o b a g kin an, do than thin rd it is. If you c ha an relax and how vance so you c ad do not things in ch as possible, inating mu procrast g, later. As e c in s , min inate procrast ally lead to cram u t n .” will eve you out , 18, alvador ill stress S w ic r h d ic u h a n w Richard freshma college
to do what they can to help sustain their child’s enthusiasm for learning. You need to get involved because not only can you help your child in his or her studies, it will also strengthen your relationship with them,” Teacher Weng says. “Parents, being the primary teachers, can help sustain the children’s enthusiasm by helping them apply what they learned in school in their daily lives,” she adds.
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“I keep myself motivated to study by thinking that I am making my mother happy doing so. Resist looking at your phone, tablet, PC, or laptop; focus on finishing your review, homework, or project first.” John Legaspi, 8, Grade 2
go up udent, to st r o n s o h be an g called a “I want to ame bein n y d n m e r a the and he udents at the stage tanding st y I study hard, ts u o e th one of That’s wh d do my ool year. an of the sch teachers, ce y en to m Do advan st . li ll s e y a w ts c alw je ro m p are any rk and oks. There oks [that] o homewo tb x te r xtbo f you reading o ssons in te an also do topics/le c g u o in Y st . re inte id in class ot be afra iscussed n d o t] D o . e [n n li n are o d n h rc ta a ders l rese do not un additiona ns if you io rials that st te e a u q m to ask oks and o b are se U . p g Exam les somethin g easier. s/images, in y g d in u w st ra e d k a s, p m a n a m c r, te , calculato to comple ot dictionary s. Set aside time on d y e th e ori so that ts c nd je related st ro s p lesson a nts and derstand n d.” assignme u e to sh r e ru not is easi en you are a Posadas, 13, pile up. It h w rk o oolw andre a consistent enjoy sch Grade 8, ce preschool dent sin honor stu
She gives simple examples of how to do this: do addition and subtraction at the grocery, identify colors and shapes, and discuss measurements while cooking. On rewards for great work in school, Teacher Weng suggests that parents give perks in the form of memorable experiences, like a trip to an interactive museum, rather than material things such as toys.
“Take that opportunity to spark your children’s curiosity. Ask them about what they saw, what’s happening around them. Make them feel valuable,” adds Teacher Lysa. “It all boils down to quality time, with parents getting involved in their children’s study program and being as excited as their children about learning.” n
graphic Design by Ricus afable
Keeping at it
these students share with our readers how they keep themselves inspired to study all year long.
VALUING
7 September Is nts’ Grandpare Day!
grand
love
Four heartwarming, inspiring true tales of the beautiful ties and mutual affection between young and old. BY RUTH MANIMTIM-FLORESCA
Illustration by Ricus afable
I am very blessed to have grown up
knowing my grandparents. My maternal grandparents took care of my sister and me on weekdays when our parents were at work. Then, every Sunday after church, our parents would bring us to have lunch with my paternal grandmother, who was a great cook. All of my grandparents were patient, kind people who taught me about respect for the elders and appreciation for the simple things in life. My four boys are also blessed to have known their grandfathers before their lolos passed away. I will always cherish memories of my father and my youngest son taking their regular morning walks around our neighborhood in Laguna for some “good” sunlight. Thankfully, the boys’ grandmothers are still around to give them their loving support and affection, and regularly connect with them through Facebook. They live far from us, but happily, we have joyful reunions several times a year. The Filipino culture of closeness with one’s extended family helps a lot in creating strong bonds between grandparents and grandchildren, a connection that benefits the apos. The elders can serve as role models, provide unconditional love, and help establish a sense of family history, clan tradition, and cultural heritage.
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VALUING Grandparents can also bolster the healthy development of children. Since they often have time on their hands, they can devote their attention to playing and reading to their grandchildren, helping to improve the youngsters’ social and learning skills.
Jet-setting LoLaS
When PJ and Jeff Aquino migrated to Australia in late 2012, Jeff’s mom accompanied them and stayed for three months to help take care of Denzel, now 12, Miguel, 10, Megan, 6, and Zoe, 4. The couple’s fifth child, Joanna, 9 months, was born less than a year later.
“The grandmothers have different bonding styles with the children,” continues PJ. “Lola Arlyn nurtures the kids’ love for music and encourages them to do crafts.” Lola Stella on the other hand, always brings goodies and packages from the Philippines. “It’s a treat for the kids every time she arrives because she always has pasalubong of sinigang mix packs, chips from home, and dresses that she made herself,” PJ says. “Lola Stella loves going out with the kids, be it a weekend picnic at the park or long drives to the beach, while Lola Arlyn prefers to stay home and cuddle our little
Lola Stella with Jeff and PJ’s family
For the past two years, whenever Lola Stella has to come back to the Philippines due to visiting visa restrictions, PJ’s mom, Lola Arlyn, takes her place. The two grandmas alternately spend six happy months in Australia to be with their beloved grandchildren. “We really appreciate both our moms for sacrificing their time and presence for their apos. Our setup gives them the opportunity to cultivate their relationships,” shares PJ, who, like Jeff, has a full-time job.
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fostering ConneCtions
In the Redondiez household, eating meat is usually just for special occasions. Mom Aletha relates, “My husband and I always make it a point to eat fish, fruits, and vegetables often. But when we go to my husband’s hometown in Ilocos Sur, we allow our son McCoy to indulge in his favorite meat dishes such as paksiw na pata that his Lola Araceli prepares.” Adds Aletha: “I appreciate what my mother-in-law does for her first grandson. I know it also makes her very happy. Now that McCoy is already
“We are hoping that, by being close to them, they will appreciate their roots better and how they are connected as a family.”
Joanna while her brothers and sisters are in school.” PJ says they really want the kids to have a loving relationship with their grandparents. “We are hoping that, by being close to them, they will appreciate their roots better and how they are connected as a family. Someday, I hope Lola Arlyn with the Aquino kids
they will do the same for us.”
Lola Araceli and McCoy
studying, our twice-a-year visits have become only once. But we made sure to spend our first Christmas and New Year celebrations there last year and stayed for a month.” When in Manila, the couple encourages McCoy, who is 6, to tell his grandma about school happenings through long-distance calls. Every Grandparents’ Day, the family calls Aletha’s dad and her mother-inlaw to greet them. “It is important for us to keep our son connected to his grandparents. Every time we’re on vacation, we always let McCoy spend time with his Lola. Their conversations always invite a lot of laughter.”
Bridging tHe generational gap
Joyce Delovieres’ son, Lemuel Luis III, 13, was named after his dad and his grandfather, who lives in Naga, Albay. “Lolo Luis always banters with his apo on
“I believe time spent with grandparents develops respect for others and sensitivity to other people’s needs.” Lolo Luis with his namesakes, grandchild Lemuel Luis and son Luis Jr.
just about anything, be it the old street games of his day or the dance moves of his time,” confides Joyce. “For family occasions like my daughter’s debut, [the grandparents] will travel from the province to join in the celebrations. For the past two summers though, Lemuel spent two weeks at his Lolo’s house. Even if it means time away from home and a long bus ride for my son, I let him travel. He insists on it and it makes him happy,” discloses Joyce. On Grandparents’ Day, the family calls the folks back home and lets the kids play catch-up and have some laughs with their grandparents. “I believe time spent with grandparents develops respect for others and sensitivity to other people’s needs. When his grandparents complain of sore bones, Lemuel can be relied on to apply some liniment or soothing oil,” says Joyce. “Interactions such as these teach kids how to care and not be selfcentered, traits not quite common in other children these days.”
Andrei and Lola Baby taken at home
a long-awaited gift
It took nearly five years before Apple and Erwin Manansala received the biggest
Andrei with Lola Ellen and Lolo Ernie at his baptism
“Interactions such as these teach kids how to care and not be self-centered, traits not quite common in other children these days.”
blessing of their lives—their son Andrei, 6 months, who is the first apo on both sides of the family. “My mama, Lola Baby, has been with us since Andrei was born. She is his primary caregiver when my husband and I are out,” says Apple. Apple says her mother told her that Andrei is the main reason she exists. “To be honest, that is the sweetest and best thing I’ve ever heard from her.” Apple’s in-laws, Lola Ellen and Lolo Ernie, are just as equally devoted to Andrei. “They always check on us and visit us a lot. They tell us that their week is incomplete if they don’t see their apo. So Erwin and I make it a point to spend a day or two with them during weekends,” she says. Her in-laws are still working, but have expressed plans to retire soon to enjoy more time with Andrei. For Grandparents’ Day, the Manansala couple plans to prepare a unique and memorable celebration. “I’m not sure yet what we’ll do, but we will definitely surprise them. In fact, this feature article will surely surprise them,” says Apple with a chuckle. She goes on: “I did not grow up close to my grannies, but Erwin was very close to his paternal grandma. I saw the good traits she inculcated in him.” According to Apple, her son’s closeness to his grandparents is just as important as his closeness to his parents. “I know that they love him so much. The excitement, the energy, and the joy he brings them are something my husband and I cannot give. I want to reciprocate by making sure Andrei grows up knowing that there are three people who are willing to give him everything they have.” n september-november 2014
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PREVENTING BEHAVING
A cry
help FOR
It takes collective sensitivity, concern, and empathy from parents, school ofďŹ cials, and classmates to lift a child from the depths of despondence. BY ANNABELLIE GRUENBERG
One of the saddest
things that can ever happen is the tragedy of young persons taking their own lives just when they are starting to live. Whenever an attempted suicide case is given to me for counseling, I am always reminded of Neil Perry, the student who took his life in the coming-of-age movie Dead Poets Society. I ask myself: What could push a young boy with so much potential and promise to end his life? I remember one emergency case brought to me. The girl was a 16-year-old high school student who attempted to kill herself by drinking a bottle of household cleanser. She had grown depressed when she slid from fifth to seventh place on the honor roll. She told me she was not as good as her older brother, who would soon be graduating summa cum laude from one of the top universities. She was also worried that she would not be accepted into his university when she entered college. As part of our therapy I tried to talk to her parents. The father never accepted my invitation, saying he was busy with work. The mother, who ran a business, was so stressed out that although still quite young, she had physical
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ailments and was taking several medications. She agreed to undergo short sessions of therapy herself to understand how their family life was contributing to the daughter’s demoralization.
suiCide triggers
In the Philippines, the number of reported attempted suicide and actual suicide cases is on the rise. Most of my readings show that the leading cause of suicide is major depression. This is a state of extreme sadness or mental lowness that lingers and persists to the point of interfering with normal daily functioning. Many factors can trigger attempts at suicide among depressed people. These could have a physiological basis, usually connected to genetics (history of suicide in the family) or a chemical imbalance in the body, such as a low serotonin level in the brain. Another major catalyst is drug or chemical abuse. Taking illegal substances such as narcotics or drinking alcohol can aggravate the chemical imbalance in the brain and intensify the negative feelings of the user.
Other contributing factors include feelings of hopelessness and despair, family and love problems, extreme anxiety, being a victim of abuse, pressure from family and friends, gender identity issues, stress, mental illness, inability to deal with problems and setbacks, and romanticized or glamorized portrayal in media of suicide.
red flags
Photos by DBPI-Multimedia Services
Teachers, guidance counselors, and parents can be taught to look for indicators of suicidal tendencies. They must keep in mind that any verbal expression that one intends to end his or her life must be taken seriously and handled well. Here are common signs to watch out for: n a preoccupation with death. Output and activities, including writing, talking, and even creative expressions, revolve around death and wanting to end one’s life. n loss of interest in things one used to care about. The individual may even start to give away prized or important possessions, including pets. n drastic changes in personality and appearance. One stops caring about oneself. There are also behavioral changes, including sudden mood swings, withdrawal from friends and family, isolation and feelings of isolation, destructive behavior and self-harm, and deterioration in the quality of work (schoolwork, artwork, household chores). n Changes in sleeping and eating habits. The person loses appetite or develops irregular sleep patterns. Other warning signs to take note of include talks of hopelessness, being in too much pain, feeling persecuted and being a burden to loved ones, as well as self-vilification.
a CollaBoration Since children spend much of their time shuttling between school and home, it thus behooves the parents, caregivers, teachers, and the guidance counselor to join forces in helping a child who appears at risk.
n Schools can organize lectures and training workshops on violence and suicide prevention to be given by mental health professionals. n Students can be trained to inform the teacher or the guidance counselor if anyone speaks about wanting to commit suicide. Such statements should be taken seriously and immediate intervention should be done. Don’t treat suicide threats as just melodramatic outbursts or an attention-getting strategy. n Parents must be informed right away if their child is at risk. Proper coordination, guidance, and processing by all concerned parties will be very helpful. n The guidance office should be able to refer parents to competent health professionals who specialize in such cases. n It is important to provide the child
Useful numbers Suicide can be prevented. These hotlines may be reached for help and information: manila lifeline Centre: (02) 8969191 / (0917) 854-9191 information and Crisis intervention Center: (0917) 588HOPE (4673) / (02) 211-4550 Crisis line philippines: (02) 8937606 / 893-7603
with a safe space to communicate his thoughts and feelings. No accusations, judgments, or reprimands, please. Be silent and listen with understanding and empathy. n Remove from your house all objects and gadgets that may be used for a selfdestructive act. n Never leave a depressed youth alone. Find the companion who is closest to the person to provide comfort and company. n Give healthy, nourishing food. Avoid preservatives and processed foods as these may affect thinking. And keep the person well hydrated. n Show concern for the person’s wellbeing. Be generous with constant assurances that he or she is loved and understood and can count on you for help. n Give your full attention when talking to the youngster. Be calm and open to what is being shared and ask questions about the person’s feelings gently and without being too intrusive. n If professional intervention is needed, it is important to inform the person and stress the importance of professional help. n Limit the child’s exposure to violent video or Internet games, depressing TV shows or movies, or songs with sad or negative messages. n Peer support from friends and classmates who have been properly briefed and prepared can be helpful. n Encourage the person to join groups that offer support and empowerment. n A medical checkup can help in diagnosing the youth’s physical and mental condition and in giving the necessary treatment. n Supervised outdoor activities in settings that have good sunlight and fresh air can have an immediate uplifting effect on a depressed individual. Find time to know more about your children and how they are doing. Whatever their age, remember that they need loving guidance and support. Boost their selfconfidence and inner strength by teaching them how to deal with both small and big challenges. More important, be an example to them of someone with a balanced and hopeful outlook in life. n september-november 2014
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Youth
BEHAVING
self-check
BY STEPHANIE MAYO
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What do President Barack Obama,
Kim Kardashian, a zoo elephant named Latabe, and you have in common? You all love taking selfies, that’s what. Well, except for the elephant, whose self-photo has been humorously dubbed “elfie.” “Selfie,” which even won the Oxford Dictionaries Word of the Year in 2013, is defined as “a photograph that one has taken of oneself, typically one taken with a smartphone or webcam and uploaded to a social media website.” Almost everyone does a selfie (also, selfy; plural, selfies)—tastefully or otherwise. It has become an innate need since the invention of the camera phone. For some
graphic Design by Ricus afable
It’s become a national pastime, but make sure you’re doing it for all the right reasons—and taking all the necessary precautions.
people, it can be a silly, playful act, a spontaneous snap from their camera phone when they’re feeling cute. For others, it’s a competition to outdo their friends’ selfies on Facebook, and for some, it’s become a serious obsession. Sixteen-year-old Isabella Fracchiolla plunged 60 feet to her death after taking a selfie in an Italian seafront in the town of Taranto, southeastern Italy. Then there was the South Carolina woman who was killed in a car collision after posting a selfie while driving, and a woman who outraged the country by taking a selfie against the backdrop of an ongoing… suicide, with the New York Post headlining the story “Selfie-ish.” Manila, as reported by TIME, is the Selfie Capital of the World—specifically, Makati City, which beat out Manhattan and Florida for the title. So what’s with the ubiquitous selfie? Why do people risk their lives for a selfie? Why do we take a selfie wearing makeup or a “duckface”? Why take one with a monopod?
“If you spend the next 20 minutes furiously clicking refresh, or wishing specific people commented, then it could be a sign that you’re overly dependent on external feedback to determine your inner happiness.”
ayo
Angela Rose M
selfie-steem
Taking selfies may be universal, but there are different reasons for different folks. Czaan Luis Mojica, who confessed to being a huge selfie fan, takes 20 to 30 selfies a day and posts five to 10 of those online. She traces her selfie addiction in fourth grade when she had to move to Japan and struggled socially because of the language and cultural barrier. “It was hard starting anew in a foreign country. I felt alone, so I became attached to gadgets like my phone and camera,” Czaan recalls. “I became my own friend. I took a lot of pictures of myself. I had no one but myself to appreciate [me]. I was happy befriending myself.” Marie San Luis, 37, who posts an Czaan Luis M ojica average of three to four selfies a day, says she started loving photographing herself “Compliments that I look good or pretty. when she began seeing signs of aging It’s the affirmation from other people, in herself. “In a selfie world, no one wants to see really. I mean, this is usually why we post photos of ourselves—because it makes wrinkles and gray hair,” Marie says of the you feel good, especially if someone subject of growing older. “So I want to else appreciates it.” share to my friends that despite my age I Angela Rose Mayo, 21 years old and can still prettify [myself] and look good.” another self-confessed selfie addict, When asked what the best thing admits she takes selfies because she is about taking selfies is, Marie says,
“probably vain” and loves looking at her face. When asked what preparations she does before completing her daily quota of selfies, Angela says, “I often wear makeup. But I also take JWU (just-wokeup) selfies. So people can see that you don’t need makeup to have a nice selfie.”
rigHt and wrong reasons
Some people question the selfie habits of their Facebook friends. “The worst is that when some studies claim that selfie is a mental disorder,” says Czaan, “because I believe that selfie is an art of self-expression. Just like when you do an interpretative dance or belt out a heartful song on a videoke.” In the YouBeauty.com’s article “Psychology Explains the Real Reason We Take Selfies,” Ellen Kenner, a psychologist on Rhode Island in the U.S., explains, “If you love the way you look one day, or are in a playful mood and want to capture it for yourself as a memory, or share it with friends and family, there is something fun and self-valuing in that.”
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Youth
BEHAVING Marie San Luis
There is a problem, however, if you are obsessed with feedback. Dr. Kenner explains, “If you spend the next 20 minutes furiously clicking refresh, or wishing specific people commented, then it could be a sign that you’re overly dependent on external feedback to determine your inner happiness.”
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or use it for identity theft or other evil purposes. Can you also say ‘catfish’?” And for her personal rules, Angela says: “Not much skin. Face and arms are enough. Never take selfies with your cleavage showing—especially naked selfies because that’s so wrong. And gross.”
selfie-CHeCk
Go ahead and take that selfie to capture that moment when you felt beautiful, or were in a place that you wanted to remember forever or share with friends. And if you get an outpouring of likes, then there’s nothing wrong with feeling good about the positive response either. However, never take selfies just for the sake of feedback. Never seek nice places or plan events and gatherings only to look amazing on your Facebook or Instagram or impress your social network. Zero likes, three likes, 200 likes—you should never get affected by them. Your self-worth and happiness should not depend on the number of likes you get.
Taking a selfie is all about loving the moment, yourself, and not really caring about the attention. It is not about perpetrating self-delusion or creating a different impression of you for the world to see, as one selfie practitioner has candidly admitted she does. “I can be whoever I want to be in my selfies,” she says. “I can express my emotions. I can be happy, sad, nice, bad, angry, crazy, and all that. But above all, I can lie about my emotions. I can be strong when I feel weak. I can be beautiful when I feel ugly. And I can be happy when in reality I am sad. Posting my selfies releases all my frustrations in life.” Jaime Kulaga, an American psychologist, in the same article above has this advice on the right way to regard taking selfies: “Like the saying goes, it’s all about creating a life that feels good on the inside, not a life that only looks good on the outside.” So before you press click, stop and run a self-check: Why am I taking this selfie? n
PHOTOS CONTRIBUTED BY THE INTERVIEWEES.
“my mom told me not to post selfies publicly, so I make sure that my Facebook settings are customized to ‘Friends Only.’”
graphic Design by Ricus afable
selfie no-nos
With all sorts of people populating social media, a selfie fan has to be extremely careful. Soledad delas Alas, the mother of a selfie fan, talks to her children about the dangers of taking selfies. “Specifically, I tell them not to post provocative selfies, and I also tell them not to stick out their tongue the way I see others do. I just find this totally distasteful.” Efren Tercias, who monitors his daughter’s selfie activities, says, “I tell her ‘Only decent photos, please.’ She’s my friend on Facebook, so I am able to view her timeline.” He believes that if kids are not monitored by parents, “they might post revealing pictures of themselves, which to them might look normal in the current society.” Even Marie, Angela, and Czaan police themselves whenever they indulge in their selfie habits. “I don’t post selfies [indicating] my location and also in a [suggestive] position or wearing something too revealing. There is a danger in sending the wrong message. People could think you are selling yourself,” Marie says. “It’s better if you don’t indicate your location,” agrees Czaan, “and to be responsible in dressing up and with your overall appearance. It is a great factor when you want to be respected.” Angela says, “My mom told me not to post selfies publicly because unscrupulous people can use your selfies for bad purposes, so I make sure that my Facebook settings are customized to ‘Friends Only.’ Bad people can actually use your face and put it on porn sites,