Discovering Your Power Workbook by DominiqueLMorgan

A WORKBOOK

BY Dominique MorgaN

AUTHOR

DOMINIQUE MORGAN Dominique Morgan (She/Her) is an international award-winning artist, philanthropist, and activist. As the Director of the Fund for Trans Generations at Borealis Philanthropy, she leads the largest philanthropic fund serving Trans and Non Binary people. In all of her work, she partners her lived experience of mass incarceration (including 18 months in solitary confinement) with a decade of change-making artistry and advocacy to activate powerful work in spaces of sex education, radical self-care, and transformative youth development with intentions of dismantling the prison industrial complex and a develop a theory she describes as the “gender to prison pipeline.” She is the only Black Trans Woman in the world and the only living Trans Woman in the US to have a street named after her (in her hometown of Omaha, NE), and the first and only global model in Apple’s history. She has been featured in Forbes, Essence, People, The Advocate, Out Magazine, The Advocate, and Out Magazine. dominiquemorgan.com

A WORKBOOK

AU T H OR CO N T RIB U TO R S

Dominique Morgan Latoya Peterson, Jeffrey Severns Guntzel, and Erin Sharkey

ILLU ST RATOR

Ashley Lukashevsky

CO M ICS ILLU ST RATOR

Kazimir Lee Iskander

E D ITO RIAL SU P PO R T SP ECIAL T H AN KS

Arshia Haq and Keith Miller Andrew Aleman and Racquel Henderson

p to Troy and Colleen Starks, my pillars D E D I C AT I O N

of strength, love, and power. To the incarcerated globally: may your minds and hearts forever be free. Honoring Ivory, Tay, Aria, Iya, Ms. Titi, Beau, Ms. Glass, Cheri Helmer Riensche, and finally, Jodi, Ann, Kenny and Urvashi.

CONTENTS

F ORWA R D 0 4

Dominique Morgan

SU P P OR T 07

Real Stories + Exploration + Activities + Checking In

R E L AT ION S H IP S 2 1

Real Stories + Exploration + Activities + Checking In

F E A R 35

Real Stories + Exploration + Activities + Checking In

H E A L IN G 49

Real Stories + Exploration + Activities + Checking In

LO OK IN G FORWA R D

I believe that secrets, silence, and darkness allow for the ugliest things we've experienced and that have helped us to grow and take us over. For years, there were secrets I never told anyone because I felt so ashamed.

I DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

F O R E WA R D

I never imagined there would be a time I would trust more than a few people with these most profound, darkest secrets. There were times I thought I would take that information to the grave because I feared what it would do to my life. That fear was overpowering. I was afraid for so many reasons. I was afraid of

I am not trying to be your teacher; what I hope to do

judgment, afraid that I would not be accepted or loved,

is facilitate. I will offer you my experience, you can

afraid of the things I didn’t know to be afraid of.

offer yours, and hopefully, we will come up with some solutions together.

While I was locked up, I had to turn off parts of myself in order to survive and do the time. There was

The most complete version of yourself is worthy of

nobody I could trust with my secrets because prisons

love, care, and safety even if, and I’d debate, especially

prevent people from becoming close. They separate

if components of yourself don’t feel perfect.

you with bars, plexiglass, and unnatural rules. Guards will write you up for gathering in groups larger than

Once I relinquished perfection as my North Star after

three. Emotions are a threat to their order. My colors

my incarceration, I literally soared to a place where

were dulled, and my song was muted because I did

I’ve become a North Star, a possibility model for

not feel safe to express all the pieces of me.

others.

Those parts of me did not just come back automatically

And that brings us back to the reason this workbook

when I was released. How do we access those parts

exists: The activities here are not meant to be home-

when we are outside? I had to train myself to talk

work assignments. It’s up to you to take them or to

about these things. I had to train myself to remember

leave them. Do them at your own pace, in a straight

that I am a whole person and that I deserved

line, or looping back to revisit sections as many times

meaningful and life-giving relationships. But how?

as you want.

When I conceived this workbook, it was not my

It is not easy work. It is not always fun. My hope is it

intention to tell you what to think or what is right and

will feel like a release and that it will start a process

what is wrong. Enough people are doing that already,

for you that neither of us could have predicted.

significantly if the system has impacted you.

I’m proud of you today for choosing yourself over

In my own experience, I have learned to define my life

anything else that is happening (I know life can be

for myself. I am the only expert on my life because I am

hectic and overwhelming). I am excited for the you of

the only one who has lived it. When you learn from your

tomorrow that gets to see how one foot in front of the

own story, you get to look to yourself for inspiration.

other is the only way forward to your destiny.

The ultimate goal of this workbook is to help you

Thank you for allowing us to witness your greatness

reflect on your lived experience and to write about it.

of today, tomorrow, and forever.

I want it to have a choose-your-own-adventure vibe. You feel me? You are in charge of where it goes.

With hope, love, and gratitude, Dominique Morgan

Support means to hold something up or to give assistance. A table with one or two legs can't be set right. But a table with four legs? You can put your full weight on it and it won't break.

I DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

SUPPORT

Despite the voices inside us or out in the world telling us we can and must do it alone, we actually need others. We depend on them and they depend on us. this is called Interdependence. Support is an essential piece of your journey of healing. Many folks have been sold the

For some, support has looked

And we can only truly engage

non-truth that “I can only do this

like unhealthy “help” or “assistance”.

with giving or receiving when we

on my own.” As a matter of fact,

Have you ever been in a situation

have examined our relationships,

sometimes people turn down

where the way someone helped

our healing journey, our fears,

support because, “If I have

you put you in debt to them in a

and the ways we have experienced

people to help me out, I’m not

way that felt unfair? Have you

harm. This exploration makes

really doing it.” Sometimes it

ever intended to show up for this

us strong and humble, self

feels like everything has got to

person, but baby, it didn’t really

compassionate and confident.

look like struggle.

hit like that?

Many people learn about support

The more we want to be in a

systems growing up receiving

community, the more present

some type of benefit or stipend

and intentional we need to be

like WIC or welfare. Maybe you

with the people in that community.

learned about it from court-ordered

We can learn to identify what we

child support. These benefits can

need from others and what our

allow folks to navigate poverty

boundaries are so that our

and other kinds of oppression.

supportive relationships are

But it can be important to define

healthy. Communication is key

what support looks like outside

to express what we need and

of systems like state government,

listening to what others say they

federal government, or the legal

need too.

system.

support

REAL STORIES

When Does Helping Hurt You?

“I had got bond on one of my cases and I came home to my sister who was going through some stuff with her boyfriend. I felt so useless as a big brother.”

“I wrote a bad check and gave her the money, because I’m like, “I’m going to support you.” I’ll never forget that. And her crying. she needed something. she needed somebody.”

“now every time i look at that rap sheet, I see that charge for forgery... what other ways could I have supported her, and been there for her that didn’t harm me?”

support

E X P LO R AT I O N

What Support Do You Need? I bet when you read the introduction to this section you had lots of flashes of people and moments when you felt support or offered it; where you needed support or rejected it. It is better to think about what support means to you right now and going forward.

What does it feel like to be supported? What is in your life that is a supportive force? How do you show that you support someone? How do you show support for an idea?

I DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

support

ACTIVITY

Language of Support.

Create a script for yourself. Think of a challenge you are facing and pick a person or organization who you know could help. Now imagine yourself asking for that help. Write down exactly what you want to say. Will it take a lot of words or just a few?

support

ACTIVITY

your turn. ask for help. Write down exactly what you want to say.

I DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

support

ACTIVITY

what you can offer.

Imagine you have a box you can fill with ways you can offer support to others. When challenges come up you might struggle to feel useful or you might feel the opposite, that it is challenging to draw the line and not offer more than you really have to share. What will you add to your box?

I DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

Now you. Think of things you can share without causing suffering to yourself.

support

ACTIVITY

support network.

What shape or size is your support system? Is it a circle with you at the center? Is it a tower? Does it feel close or far? Do you have ways you wish your support system could grow? Who do you support and in what ways? Is it the same size as your support? Larger? Smaller?

I DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

okay, Draw what Your Support Network looks like.

support

ACTIVITY

checking in.

This is a lot. This is hard work and you are doing it. There is no right way to do it; there is only your way. No right pace; just your pace. No right next step; just the step you choose. Even if you keep everything you have just written down to yourself, how do you feel having gone through the activities? Maybe you are considering having a conversation with somebody in your life about support. How does it feel when you imagine that conversation?

I DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

What are you going to do now to show yourself some support?

Most of our relationships involve other people. All relationships are transactional in some way they are an exchange between two people. We come to our relationships with expectations. One expectation is that there will be some sort of exchange.

DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

R E L AT I O N S H I P S

Relationships don’t happen by accident, whether they are with a parent or sibling, a best friend or partner.

The system makes it so you can’t do relationships in a healthy way. It enforces unnatural rules or expectations that make relationships challenging or impossible. A person’s ability to create relationships and sustain them is essential to keeping people out of the system. Sometimes relationship expectations are clear and have been discussed and agreed upon. Other times the expectations are assumed and unspoken. It is important to make sure your relationships are reciprocal, meaning that you give and receive rather than just one or the other. Sacrifice and compromise are important parts of relationships, but when the sacrifice and compromise are taken on by one person more than the other, there is an imbalance that can create strain on the relationship and the people in it. One way to make expectations clear is to make a relationship contract. You don’t have to write it down, but you can (and you might even find you want to). Your contract with another person helps you tell people (and yourself) how you are going to show up, how you expect them to show up, what the non-negotiables are. And your contract might inspire the other person to create (or just voice) one of their own. We’ll try this out in the activity ahead.

relationships

REAL STORIES

what are you seeking?

“I left for a group home when I was 13. I was 16 when I cam home and I was like, why aren’t me and my mom close like we used to be? and I was like, ‘why are we fighting every damn morning? what the f#@% is going on?”

“I realized that there were things she had done for me before that the system had taught me to do for myself. when I came home there was a new baby, and they had moved houses, and all these new things; i didn’t know where I fit in.”

“no one sat down and told me: ‘y’all going to have to renegotiate your relationship. y’all going to have a re-establish what it means for her to be your mother and what it means for you to be her child.”

relationships

E X P LO R AT I O N

What Support Do You Need? Let’s take a minute to explore your ideas around relationships. Think deeply about the people in your life – from the past and the present– while working through your answers:

What different kinds of relationships are you a part of? (For example: children, peers, self, family, community, system)

What are the qualities of a safe relationship for you? What does being accountable look like in a relationship? What do you look for in a relationship?

DISCOVERING YOUR POWER relationships

ACTIVITY

Setting a Relationship Contract. Contracts need to be agreed upon by both people in the relationship. When you enter a contract you can think about what you want in the relationship and what you are willing to offer to the other person. Remember that relationships change over time, and so do the expectations of that relationship.

things to think about: What will you do for a person that you are in relation to, and not just the person(s) you are in a romantic relationship with? How has a relationship in your life changed in a way you did not like? Why did it change? What did you do in response to the change? When do you have to negotiate relationships? In a relationship contract, what’s non-negotiable for you? What could a person do that would lead you to separate from them, and what are your expectations of them? What are you open to negotiating? What relationships in your life might benefit from negotiation? 25

relationships

ACTIVITY

Here are some sentence prompts to get you started:

I promise... I will... I will not...

DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

you promise... you will... you will not...

relationships

ACTIVITY

Create a timeline of your important relationships. In this activity, you will pick a starting point for your timeline (birth, elementary school, high school, etc.). Now place that starting point at the beginning of the timeline. From there, place a marker where important relationships came into your life, and where some of them faded from your life. For each relationship on the timeline, you can make an extra mark for relationships that served you at one time in your life but don’t anymore, or for relationships that you would like to pursue moving forward. You can mark the relationships you would like to make changes in. Ask yourself: how might you make new relationships or change the ones you are in currently?

DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

relationship timeline.

relationships

ACTIVITY

buckets of love. Imagine that you have four buckets of love – one bucket for yourself, one for family, one for friends, and one for community.

things to think about: Are the buckets the same size for you? Do they have the same amount of love in them? How do they get filled? What fills them and who does the filling?

DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

describe your buckets.

relationships

ACTIVITY

checking in.

Remember! This is hard work and you are doing it. There is no right way to do it; there is only your way. Even if you keep everything you have just written down to yourself, how do you feel having gone through the activities? Maybe you are considering having a conversation with somebody in your life about relationships. How does it feel when you imagine that conversation? Whatever you choose, you’ve just made your relationship with yourself a little stronger.

DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

What are you going to do now to show yourself love?

Fear is natural and is an emotion caused by thinking someone or something is dangerous. Fear is a natural emotion caused by thinking something or someone is dangerous. Fear can be a tool used by a system or authority to separate you from your power.

DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

FEAR

You might be afraid of heights or small spaces, spiders or big storms. You might fear school, home, a stranger, or somebody you love. Some fears are specific and others are hard to put into words. In this section you can spend some time thinking

As you set goals for yourself in this workbook, fear

about how you acquire your fears. Sometimes

might come up. If you wanna get past the fear to

we learn fear, maybe just because the fears are

reach your goals it might be valuable to think about

the fears our parents had or because somebody

what kind of fear it is and how you might navigate

taught us to be afraid of a thing when we were little.

around or through it. You could also think about how you might move towards your goal while still

Being afraid can be a healthy and reasonable

being afraid.

response to threat. It can also be imagined and hindering. Showing fear might be seen as weakness. It is not always easy. You might try to act brave rather than show fear in the face of a threat. Anger or avoidance may be what you show instead of fear.

fear

REAL STORIES

what are you seeking?

“I was afraid of getting lost or going missing. I was obsessed with watching missing persons television shows...and I didn’t know why. a few years ago I asked my mom... did i know anyone personally who had been abducted?”

FEAR

E X P LO R AT I O N

YOUR FEARS. Exploring your fears can be, well, frightful. The prompts below may serve as a helpful guide. As always, engage only with what you feel ready. This is self work, not homework.

What is something lots of people are afraid of but you are not? Have you ever seen somebody overcome their fear? If you could snap your fingers and have a fear disappear, what fear would it be? What does it feel like to imagine that fear gone?

DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

fear

ACTIVITY

Think about... Think about when your fears were born or when they started to fade away. Think about when your fear got bigger or smaller. Put those marks on a timeline. Were there any fears which started when you were in the system or when someone you love was in the system?

FEAR

ACTIVITY

CREATE A TIMELINE.

DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

FEAR

ACTIVITY

GOALS AND FEARS.

Goals can be scary. What will people think of me if I share my goal and don’t meet it? How will I be changed if I achieve a goal? What fears hang around your goals for yourself? On one side of a piece of paper make a list of your goals. Next, make a column next to your list and write down a fear you have that is related to that goal.

DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

my goals and fears.

fear

ACTIVITY

a letter to your fear.

Thank it for helping to protect you. Include the ways it protected you. Did your fear make you cautious and keep you safe? Did your fear come from a family member who was trying to protect you by sharing their fear with you? Thank that fear and tell it “with respect for all that you have done, I don’t need you for the next part of my journey.”

DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

Write a letter to one of your fears.

fear

ACTIVITY

checking in.

This is hard work and you are doing it. There is no right way to do it; there is only your way. How do you feel having gone through the activities? Can you imagine having a gentle conversation with somebody in your life about fear?

DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

what do you need right now to feel some support?

The healing journey is life-long. This ish is forever. And that's not a bad thing. And it's actually beautiful, right? Because it gives you grace, especially if that foreverhealing is restorative.

DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

HEALING

You don’t have to feel like “I have to get through this thing that happened to me, in the right way, all in a year” or “I got to get over this thing quick.” No. You can give yourself the space to say, “My God. I just want to be better tomorrow than I was today.” or “ I want to be better next year than I was this one.” And you get to decide what “better” is. You know the immune system

You can deﬁne healing for

that ﬁghts off viruses and other

yourself. You can get support

illnesses? You can build up a

in your healing, maybe from

psychological immune system

a counselor or mentor. Maybe

that helps process the trauma

you can read books that help

and stress you have been through.

strengthen your ability to survive

Keeping your psychological

the challenges you will face.

immune system well, keeping yourself well, will get you through

Healing isn’t a ﬁnish line and you

the next hard time, the next

aren’t broken — and it can feel

mistake, the next loss...

that way sometimes (Maybe it feels like it all the time.) But it’s

The more maintenance work you

like the poet Rilke said: “Just keep

do on your emotional health, the

going. No feeling is ﬁnal.”

lighter the journey gets. Your mind needs to be maintained just like a car does. Or you can think of it like building muscle. When you work out for the ﬁrst time, it’s “I just got to do ten reps.” You keep going at that, adding a little more week after week, you build up your strength.

HEALING

REAL STORIES

Healing Is Not a Finish Line.

“HEALING FOR ME WAS LIKE: WHEN I GET OUT, I AIN’T GOING TO DO NONE OF THIS SHIT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?”

“OR I KNOW I REACHED A POINT WHERE I JUST STOPPED GOING TO THERAPY CAUSE I’M LIKE, ‘40, I GOT THE JOB. I GOT THE THINGS.’”

“AND THEN I HIT A WALL. IT WAS IN A DISCOVERING YOUR POWER SESSIOIN WHERE I WAS LIKE, ‘YOU, I NEED THISTHIS IS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.”

HEALING

E X P LO R AT I O N

your healing. Let’s explore your deﬁnition of healing, and your experiences with it and with related stuff like safety, joy, and goals. You don’t have to engage with all of these questions. Is there one or a few that pull you in? Engage with those.

How do you know when you have experienced healing? Are are some goals you have for your own healing? What does healing look like in a relationship? If you had somebody to help you with your healing, anD you wanted their help, what would they need to know about how to help you with your healing?

DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

HEALING

ACTIVITY

The Healing Spectrum.

Imagine that healing is a spectrum just like gender and orientation. In this spectrum, imagine the feeling of absolutely broken on one end, and your ideal of healed on the other. Where are you today? Now instead of broken on one end and healed on the other, think about how you might move from what you feel today to something like healing tomorrow. These steps can be small. So, so small. What might more emotional health look like in your life? What storms might you be better prepared for?

HEALING

ACTIVITY

Now you. where are you on your healing journey?

DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

HEALING

ACTIVITY

Interrupting the Cycle.

Try to remember a time when things felt good and then that voice in your head got in the way — maybe it was somebody telling you they see that you are doing good and then in your head you think, “I’m about to fuck up.” Then you tell yourself, “I’m going to f$%* up anyways so I might as well choose to f#$* up.” So you make that choice and you get caught or a relationship is fractured. You reflect. You think “I could have made a different choice.” You work hard and you fix it and you find your way back to feeling good and the cycle starts all over again.” Does this ever happen to you? How could you interrupt this cycle? Who might help you avoid this cycle?

DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

WHAT ARE SOME OF your reflections?

HEALING

ACTIVITY

self care plan.

MANAGE YOUR STRESS. Make a list of YOUR activities. What do you do to get back in touch with yourself? Where can you go? Who can help you if you need it?

DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

LIST TIME.

HEALING

ACTIVITY

checking in.

Remember! This is hard work and you are doing it. There is no right way to do it; there is only your way. Even if you keep everything you have just written down to yourself, how do you feel having gone through the activities? Maybe you are considering having a conversation with somebody in your life about healing. How does it feel when you imagine that conversation? What are you going to do now to show yourself love? Whatever you choose, you’ve just made an important step on your healing journey.

DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

how are you going to show yourself some love?

It's time to look forward and create a call to action for your totally unique healing journey. You've discovered your power, now it's time to really get to know that power -- to live in it and out of it.

DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

LO O K I N G F O R WA R D

Think about what is useful when navigating your lived experience and your thinking going forward. Maybe you are ready to see a therapist once a week. Maybe you don’t feel ready for a therapist, but you are ready to identify a trusted person you can talk to. Maybe your next step is to start a journal. Whatever your plan is, this is a great time to start crafting it. Try engaging with these questions:

What is your journey going to look like, based on your goals, and based on what is available to you right now? What do you need to meet your goals. Who do you NEED? Who did the system tell you you could trust? Who havE you learned you can trust? Who did your family tell you you could trust? Who havE you learned you can trust?

looking forward

ACTIVITY

what does your journey look like?

DISCOVERING YOUR POWER

your power is yours. No matter how tight the system has held onto you, or how difFIcult your life is and has been, your power is yours. You don’t have to give it up to anybody. Your power is your light, your future, your love, and your deepest, closest relationship.

The goal is simple: Everyone deserves an opportunity at dignity. we must fight like hell for it !

you are powerful. The system may have told you otherwise. People responsible for your care may have made you feel otherwise. But your power is real. This workbook exists to help you through a journey of self-discovery; to help you define concepts like fear, help, and success, and healing on your own terms. It is here to help you regain control of your own narrative and potential.