A WORKBOOK
BY Dominique MorgaN
AUTHOR
DOMINIQUE MORGAN Dominique Morgan (She/Her) is an international award-winning artist, philanthropist, and activist. As the Director of the Fund for Trans Generations at Borealis Philanthropy, she leads the largest philanthropic fund serving Trans and Non Binary people. In all of her work, she partners her lived experience of mass incarceration (including 18 months in solitary confinement) with a decade of change-making artistry and advocacy to activate powerful work in spaces of sex education, radical self-care, and transformative youth development with intentions of dismantling the prison industrial complex and a develop a theory she describes as the “gender to prison pipeline.” She is the only Black Trans Woman in the world and the only living Trans Woman in the US to have a street named after her (in her hometown of Omaha, NE), and the first and only global model in Apple’s history. She has been featured in Forbes, Essence, People, The Advocate, Out Magazine, The Advocate, and Out Magazine. dominiquemorgan.com
A WORKBOOK
AU T H OR CO N T RIB U TO R S
Dominique Morgan Latoya Peterson, Jeffrey Severns Guntzel, and Erin Sharkey
ILLU ST RATOR
Ashley Lukashevsky
CO M ICS ILLU ST RATOR
Kazimir Lee Iskander
E D ITO RIAL SU P PO R T SP ECIAL T H AN KS
Arshia Haq and Keith Miller Andrew Aleman and Racquel Henderson
p to Troy and Colleen Starks, my pillars D E D I C AT I O N
of strength, love, and power. To the incarcerated globally: may your minds and hearts forever be free. Honoring Ivory, Tay, Aria, Iya, Ms. Titi, Beau, Ms. Glass, Cheri Helmer Riensche, and finally, Jodi, Ann, Kenny and Urvashi.
© Dominique Morgan, 2024.
CONTENTS
F ORWA R D 0 4
Dominique Morgan
SU P P OR T 07
Real Stories + Exploration + Activities + Checking In
R E L AT ION S H IP S 2 1
Real Stories + Exploration + Activities + Checking In
F E A R 35
Real Stories + Exploration + Activities + Checking In
H E A L IN G 49
Real Stories + Exploration + Activities + Checking In
LO OK IN G FORWA R D
63
I believe that secrets, silence, and darkness allow for the ugliest things we've experienced and that have helped us to grow and take us over. For years, there were secrets I never told anyone because I felt so ashamed.
I DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
F O R E WA R D
I never imagined there would be a time I would trust more than a few people with these most profound, darkest secrets. There were times I thought I would take that information to the grave because I feared what it would do to my life. That fear was overpowering. I was afraid for so many reasons. I was afraid of
I am not trying to be your teacher; what I hope to do
judgment, afraid that I would not be accepted or loved,
is facilitate. I will offer you my experience, you can
afraid of the things I didn’t know to be afraid of.
offer yours, and hopefully, we will come up with some solutions together.
While I was locked up, I had to turn off parts of myself in order to survive and do the time. There was
The most complete version of yourself is worthy of
nobody I could trust with my secrets because prisons
love, care, and safety even if, and I’d debate, especially
prevent people from becoming close. They separate
if components of yourself don’t feel perfect.
you with bars, plexiglass, and unnatural rules. Guards will write you up for gathering in groups larger than
Once I relinquished perfection as my North Star after
three. Emotions are a threat to their order. My colors
my incarceration, I literally soared to a place where
were dulled, and my song was muted because I did
I’ve become a North Star, a possibility model for
not feel safe to express all the pieces of me.
others.
Those parts of me did not just come back automatically
And that brings us back to the reason this workbook
when I was released. How do we access those parts
exists: The activities here are not meant to be home-
when we are outside? I had to train myself to talk
work assignments. It’s up to you to take them or to
about these things. I had to train myself to remember
leave them. Do them at your own pace, in a straight
that I am a whole person and that I deserved
line, or looping back to revisit sections as many times
meaningful and life-giving relationships. But how?
as you want.
When I conceived this workbook, it was not my
It is not easy work. It is not always fun. My hope is it
intention to tell you what to think or what is right and
will feel like a release and that it will start a process
what is wrong. Enough people are doing that already,
for you that neither of us could have predicted.
significantly if the system has impacted you.
I’m proud of you today for choosing yourself over
In my own experience, I have learned to define my life
anything else that is happening (I know life can be
for myself. I am the only expert on my life because I am
hectic and overwhelming). I am excited for the you of
the only one who has lived it. When you learn from your
tomorrow that gets to see how one foot in front of the
own story, you get to look to yourself for inspiration.
other is the only way forward to your destiny.
The ultimate goal of this workbook is to help you
Thank you for allowing us to witness your greatness
reflect on your lived experience and to write about it.
of today, tomorrow, and forever.
I want it to have a choose-your-own-adventure vibe. You feel me? You are in charge of where it goes.
With hope, love, and gratitude, Dominique Morgan
05
Support means to hold something up or to give assistance. A table with one or two legs can't be set right. But a table with four legs? You can put your full weight on it and it won't break.
I DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
SUPPORT
Despite the voices inside us or out in the world telling us we can and must do it alone, we actually need others. We depend on them and they depend on us. this is called Interdependence. Support is an essential piece of your journey of healing. Many folks have been sold the
For some, support has looked
And we can only truly engage
non-truth that “I can only do this
like unhealthy “help” or “assistance”.
with giving or receiving when we
on my own.” As a matter of fact,
Have you ever been in a situation
have examined our relationships,
sometimes people turn down
where the way someone helped
our healing journey, our fears,
support because, “If I have
you put you in debt to them in a
and the ways we have experienced
people to help me out, I’m not
way that felt unfair? Have you
harm. This exploration makes
really doing it.” Sometimes it
ever intended to show up for this
us strong and humble, self
feels like everything has got to
person, but baby, it didn’t really
compassionate and confident.
look like struggle.
hit like that?
Many people learn about support
The more we want to be in a
systems growing up receiving
community, the more present
some type of benefit or stipend
and intentional we need to be
like WIC or welfare. Maybe you
with the people in that community.
learned about it from court-ordered
We can learn to identify what we
child support. These benefits can
need from others and what our
allow folks to navigate poverty
boundaries are so that our
and other kinds of oppression.
supportive relationships are
But it can be important to define
healthy. Communication is key
what support looks like outside
to express what we need and
of systems like state government,
listening to what others say they
federal government, or the legal
need too.
system.
09
support
REAL STORIES
When Does Helping Hurt You?
“I had got bond on one of my cases and I came home to my sister who was going through some stuff with her boyfriend. I felt so useless as a big brother.”
“I wrote a bad check and gave her the money, because I’m like, “I’m going to support you.” I’ll never forget that. And her crying. she needed something. she needed somebody.”
“now every time i look at that rap sheet, I see that charge for forgery... what other ways could I have supported her, and been there for her that didn’t harm me?”
support
E X P LO R AT I O N
What Support Do You Need? I bet when you read the introduction to this section you had lots of flashes of people and moments when you felt support or offered it; where you needed support or rejected it. It is better to think about what support means to you right now and going forward.
What does it feel like to be supported? What is in your life that is a supportive force? How do you show that you support someone? How do you show support for an idea?
I DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
support
ACTIVITY
Language of Support.
Create a script for yourself. Think of a challenge you are facing and pick a person or organization who you know could help. Now imagine yourself asking for that help. Write down exactly what you want to say. Will it take a lot of words or just a few?
11
support
ACTIVITY
your turn. ask for help. Write down exactly what you want to say.
I DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
13
support
ACTIVITY
what you can offer.
Imagine you have a box you can fill with ways you can offer support to others. When challenges come up you might struggle to feel useful or you might feel the opposite, that it is challenging to draw the line and not offer more than you really have to share. What will you add to your box?
I DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
Now you. Think of things you can share without causing suffering to yourself.
15
support
ACTIVITY
support network.
What shape or size is your support system? Is it a circle with you at the center? Is it a tower? Does it feel close or far? Do you have ways you wish your support system could grow? Who do you support and in what ways? Is it the same size as your support? Larger? Smaller?
I DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
okay, Draw what Your Support Network looks like.
17
support
ACTIVITY
checking in.
This is a lot. This is hard work and you are doing it. There is no right way to do it; there is only your way. No right pace; just your pace. No right next step; just the step you choose. Even if you keep everything you have just written down to yourself, how do you feel having gone through the activities? Maybe you are considering having a conversation with somebody in your life about support. How does it feel when you imagine that conversation?
I DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
What are you going to do now to show yourself some support?
19
Most of our relationships involve other people. All relationships are transactional in some way they are an exchange between two people. We come to our relationships with expectations. One expectation is that there will be some sort of exchange.
H
DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
R E L AT I O N S H I P S
Relationships don’t happen by accident, whether they are with a parent or sibling, a best friend or partner.
W
The system makes it so you can’t do relationships in a healthy way. It enforces unnatural rules or expectations that make relationships challenging or impossible. A person’s ability to create relationships and sustain them is essential to keeping people out of the system. Sometimes relationship expectations are clear and have been discussed and agreed upon. Other times the expectations are assumed and unspoken. It is important to make sure your relationships are reciprocal, meaning that you give and receive rather than just one or the other. Sacrifice and compromise are important parts of relationships, but when the sacrifice and compromise are taken on by one person more than the other, there is an imbalance that can create strain on the relationship and the people in it. One way to make expectations clear is to make a relationship contract. You don’t have to write it down, but you can (and you might even find you want to). Your contract with another person helps you tell people (and yourself) how you are going to show up, how you expect them to show up, what the non-negotiables are. And your contract might inspire the other person to create (or just voice) one of their own. We’ll try this out in the activity ahead.
23
relationships
REAL STORIES
what are you seeking?
“I left for a group home when I was 13. I was 16 when I cam home and I was like, why aren’t me and my mom close like we used to be? and I was like, ‘why are we fighting every damn morning? what the f#@% is going on?”
“I realized that there were things she had done for me before that the system had taught me to do for myself. when I came home there was a new baby, and they had moved houses, and all these new things; i didn’t know where I fit in.”
“no one sat down and told me: ‘y’all going to have to renegotiate your relationship. y’all going to have a re-establish what it means for her to be your mother and what it means for you to be her child.”
relationships
E X P LO R AT I O N
What Support Do You Need? Let’s take a minute to explore your ideas around relationships. Think deeply about the people in your life – from the past and the present– while working through your answers:
What different kinds of relationships are you a part of? (For example: children, peers, self, family, community, system)
What are the qualities of a safe relationship for you? What does being accountable look like in a relationship? What do you look for in a relationship?
H
DISCOVERING YOUR POWER relationships
ACTIVITY
Setting a Relationship Contract. Contracts need to be agreed upon by both people in the relationship. When you enter a contract you can think about what you want in the relationship and what you are willing to offer to the other person. Remember that relationships change over time, and so do the expectations of that relationship.
things to think about: What will you do for a person that you are in relation to, and not just the person(s) you are in a romantic relationship with? How has a relationship in your life changed in a way you did not like? Why did it change? What did you do in response to the change? When do you have to negotiate relationships? In a relationship contract, what’s non-negotiable for you? What could a person do that would lead you to separate from them, and what are your expectations of them? What are you open to negotiating? What relationships in your life might benefit from negotiation? 25
relationships
ACTIVITY
Here are some sentence prompts to get you started:
I promise... I will... I will not...
H
DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
you promise... you will... you will not...
27
relationships
ACTIVITY
Create a timeline of your important relationships. In this activity, you will pick a starting point for your timeline (birth, elementary school, high school, etc.). Now place that starting point at the beginning of the timeline. From there, place a marker where important relationships came into your life, and where some of them faded from your life. For each relationship on the timeline, you can make an extra mark for relationships that served you at one time in your life but don’t anymore, or for relationships that you would like to pursue moving forward. You can mark the relationships you would like to make changes in. Ask yourself: how might you make new relationships or change the ones you are in currently?
H
DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
relationship timeline.
29
relationships
ACTIVITY
buckets of love. Imagine that you have four buckets of love – one bucket for yourself, one for family, one for friends, and one for community.
things to think about: Are the buckets the same size for you? Do they have the same amount of love in them? How do they get filled? What fills them and who does the filling?
H
DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
describe your buckets.
31
relationships
ACTIVITY
checking in.
Remember! This is hard work and you are doing it. There is no right way to do it; there is only your way. Even if you keep everything you have just written down to yourself, how do you feel having gone through the activities? Maybe you are considering having a conversation with somebody in your life about relationships. How does it feel when you imagine that conversation? Whatever you choose, you’ve just made your relationship with yourself a little stronger.
H
DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
What are you going to do now to show yourself love?
33
Fear is natural and is an emotion caused by thinking someone or something is dangerous. Fear is a natural emotion caused by thinking something or someone is dangerous. Fear can be a tool used by a system or authority to separate you from your power.
DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
FEAR
You might be afraid of heights or small spaces, spiders or big storms. You might fear school, home, a stranger, or somebody you love. Some fears are specific and others are hard to put into words. In this section you can spend some time thinking
As you set goals for yourself in this workbook, fear
about how you acquire your fears. Sometimes
might come up. If you wanna get past the fear to
we learn fear, maybe just because the fears are
reach your goals it might be valuable to think about
the fears our parents had or because somebody
what kind of fear it is and how you might navigate
taught us to be afraid of a thing when we were little.
around or through it. You could also think about how you might move towards your goal while still
Being afraid can be a healthy and reasonable
being afraid.
response to threat. It can also be imagined and hindering. Showing fear might be seen as weakness. It is not always easy. You might try to act brave rather than show fear in the face of a threat. Anger or avoidance may be what you show instead of fear.
37
fear
REAL STORIES
what are you seeking?
“I was afraid of getting lost or going missing. I was obsessed with watching missing persons television shows...and I didn’t know why. a few years ago I asked my mom... did i know anyone personally who had been abducted?”
“I realized that there were things she had done for me before that the system had taught me to do for myself. when I came home there was a new baby, and they had moved houses, and all these new things; i didn’t know where I fit in.”
“no one sat down and told me: ‘y’all going to have to renegotiate your relationship. y’all going to have a re-establish what it means for her to be your mother and what it means for you to be her child.”
FEAR
E X P LO R AT I O N
YOUR FEARS. Exploring your fears can be, well, frightful. The prompts below may serve as a helpful guide. As always, engage only with what you feel ready. This is self work, not homework.
What is something lots of people are afraid of but you are not? Have you ever seen somebody overcome their fear? If you could snap your fingers and have a fear disappear, what fear would it be? What does it feel like to imagine that fear gone?
DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
fear
ACTIVITY
Think about... Think about when your fears were born or when they started to fade away. Think about when your fear got bigger or smaller. Put those marks on a timeline. Were there any fears which started when you were in the system or when someone you love was in the system?
39
FEAR
ACTIVITY
CREATE A TIMELINE.
DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
41
FEAR
ACTIVITY
GOALS AND FEARS.
Goals can be scary. What will people think of me if I share my goal and don’t meet it? How will I be changed if I achieve a goal? What fears hang around your goals for yourself? On one side of a piece of paper make a list of your goals. Next, make a column next to your list and write down a fear you have that is related to that goal.
DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
my goals and fears.
43
fear
ACTIVITY
a letter to your fear.
Thank it for helping to protect you. Include the ways it protected you. Did your fear make you cautious and keep you safe? Did your fear come from a family member who was trying to protect you by sharing their fear with you? Thank that fear and tell it “with respect for all that you have done, I don’t need you for the next part of my journey.”
DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
Write a letter to one of your fears.
45
fear
ACTIVITY
checking in.
This is hard work and you are doing it. There is no right way to do it; there is only your way. How do you feel having gone through the activities? Can you imagine having a gentle conversation with somebody in your life about fear?
DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
what do you need right now to feel some support?
47
The healing journey is life-long. This ish is forever. And that's not a bad thing. And it's actually beautiful, right? Because it gives you grace, especially if that foreverhealing is restorative.
u
DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
HEALING
You don’t have to feel like “I have to get through this thing that happened to me, in the right way, all in a year” or “I got to get over this thing quick.” No. You can give yourself the space to say, “My God. I just want to be better tomorrow than I was today.” or “ I want to be better next year than I was this one.” And you get to decide what “better” is. You know the immune system
You can define healing for
that fights off viruses and other
yourself. You can get support
illnesses? You can build up a
in your healing, maybe from
psychological immune system
a counselor or mentor. Maybe
that helps process the trauma
you can read books that help
and stress you have been through.
strengthen your ability to survive
Keeping your psychological
the challenges you will face.
immune system well, keeping yourself well, will get you through
Healing isn’t a finish line and you
the next hard time, the next
aren’t broken — and it can feel
mistake, the next loss...
that way sometimes (Maybe it feels like it all the time.) But it’s
The more maintenance work you
like the poet Rilke said: “Just keep
do on your emotional health, the
going. No feeling is final.”
lighter the journey gets. Your mind needs to be maintained just like a car does. Or you can think of it like building muscle. When you work out for the first time, it’s “I just got to do ten reps.” You keep going at that, adding a little more week after week, you build up your strength.
51
HEALING
REAL STORIES
Healing Is Not a Finish Line.
“HEALING FOR ME WAS LIKE: WHEN I GET OUT, I AIN’T GOING TO DO NONE OF THIS SHIT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?”
“OR I KNOW I REACHED A POINT WHERE I JUST STOPPED GOING TO THERAPY CAUSE I’M LIKE, ‘40, I GOT THE JOB. I GOT THE THINGS.’”
“AND THEN I HIT A WALL. IT WAS IN A DISCOVERING YOUR POWER SESSIOIN WHERE I WAS LIKE, ‘YOU, I NEED THISTHIS IS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.”
HEALING
E X P LO R AT I O N
your healing. Let’s explore your definition of healing, and your experiences with it and with related stuff like safety, joy, and goals. You don’t have to engage with all of these questions. Is there one or a few that pull you in? Engage with those.
How do you know when you have experienced healing? Are are some goals you have for your own healing? What does healing look like in a relationship? If you had somebody to help you with your healing, anD you wanted their help, what would they need to know about how to help you with your healing?
u
DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
HEALING
ACTIVITY
The Healing Spectrum.
Imagine that healing is a spectrum just like gender and orientation. In this spectrum, imagine the feeling of absolutely broken on one end, and your ideal of healed on the other. Where are you today? Now instead of broken on one end and healed on the other, think about how you might move from what you feel today to something like healing tomorrow. These steps can be small. So, so small. What might more emotional health look like in your life? What storms might you be better prepared for?
53
HEALING
ACTIVITY
Now you. where are you on your healing journey?
u
DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
55
HEALING
ACTIVITY
Interrupting the Cycle.
Try to remember a time when things felt good and then that voice in your head got in the way — maybe it was somebody telling you they see that you are doing good and then in your head you think, “I’m about to fuck up.” Then you tell yourself, “I’m going to f$%* up anyways so I might as well choose to f#$* up.” So you make that choice and you get caught or a relationship is fractured. You reflect. You think “I could have made a different choice.” You work hard and you fix it and you find your way back to feeling good and the cycle starts all over again.” Does this ever happen to you? How could you interrupt this cycle? Who might help you avoid this cycle?
u
DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
WHAT ARE SOME OF your reflections?
57
HEALING
ACTIVITY
self care plan.
MANAGE YOUR STRESS. Make a list of YOUR activities. What do you do to get back in touch with yourself? Where can you go? Who can help you if you need it?
u
DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
LIST TIME.
59
HEALING
ACTIVITY
checking in.
Remember! This is hard work and you are doing it. There is no right way to do it; there is only your way. Even if you keep everything you have just written down to yourself, how do you feel having gone through the activities? Maybe you are considering having a conversation with somebody in your life about healing. How does it feel when you imagine that conversation? What are you going to do now to show yourself love? Whatever you choose, you’ve just made an important step on your healing journey.
u
DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
how are you going to show yourself some love?
61
It's time to look forward and create a call to action for your totally unique healing journey. You've discovered your power, now it's time to really get to know that power -- to live in it and out of it.
t
DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
LO O K I N G F O R WA R D
Think about what is useful when navigating your lived experience and your thinking going forward. Maybe you are ready to see a therapist once a week. Maybe you don’t feel ready for a therapist, but you are ready to identify a trusted person you can talk to. Maybe your next step is to start a journal. Whatever your plan is, this is a great time to start crafting it. Try engaging with these questions:
What is your journey going to look like, based on your goals, and based on what is available to you right now? What do you need to meet your goals. Who do you NEED? Who did the system tell you you could trust? Who havE you learned you can trust? Who did your family tell you you could trust? Who havE you learned you can trust?
65
looking forward
ACTIVITY
what does your journey look like?
t
DISCOVERING YOUR POWER
67
your power is yours. No matter how tight the system has held onto you, or how difFIcult your life is and has been, your power is yours. You don’t have to give it up to anybody. Your power is your light, your future, your love, and your deepest, closest relationship.
The goal is simple: Everyone deserves an opportunity at dignity. we must fight like hell for it !
you are powerful. The system may have told you otherwise. People responsible for your care may have made you feel otherwise. But your power is real. This workbook exists to help you through a journey of self-discovery; to help you define concepts like fear, help, and success, and healing on your own terms. It is here to help you regain control of your own narrative and potential.
© Dominique Morgan, 2024.