THE MASK OF SUCCESS: When Professionals Live with Abuse
BY AMANDA LEE
Sitting in my office, I snap a photo of the clock in the corner of my computer screen—5:15 p.m.
I send the picture to my husband as proof that I’m still at work because it’s past 5:00 which is when I typically leave. On the rare occasion I’m out on a Friday night, I again pull out my phone and pretend to respond to a text, but really, I’m taking pictures of the women I’m with —as evidence that I’m out with friends he knows. Documenting and proving my daily activities have become my norm. Saturday mornings are always the same: I have at least one child in tow—often all three—because he presumably thinks a child will keep me in check which curtails the accusations and interrogation when I return home. Otherwise, I keep receipts as proof of my whereabouts. Every time my driveway comes in view my heart skips a beat and my chest
tightens. If I see his car as expected, it is a good sign. But if it’s there unexpectedly, he’s likely drunk or angry and I need to mentally prepare for either—or both. If his car isn’t there and it was expected, he likely will not come home until after the credits have run on The Tonight Show, or the Late Show, and on some occasions the morning news. I’m always prepared with an excuse for when the kids ask for Daddy. Each time I enter my house I walk through a glass enclosure leading to the door and I catch a glimpse of the missing pane on the bottom left. I remember the night I shattered that pane with a single kick as I fought to break free from being held against the wall. Whenever I notice someone glancing at the gap, I eagerly offer the explanation that it broke during a storm. For an entire month, I wear my long hair down because
The dual existence experienced by high achieving professionals, such as attorneys, in an abusive relationship is exhausting and complex and often goes unspoken, or worse, is met with shame.
putting it up causes my scalp to hurt from that afternoon that he viciously pulled my hair.
That was a glimpse into the life I lived for almost two decades, prior to leaving that relationship 8 years ago. I am sure by now you have an opinion of me and perhaps have made conclusions. But there is more to my story that I also want you to know. During those decades, and still to this day, I have been a successful litigator. I have first-chaired dozens of jury trials, including felony prosecutions of heinous crimes. I’ve argued in state appellate courts and twice argued and received judgment in my client’s favor in the Fourth Circui—one case which concluded by my successful opposition to a Writ of Certiorari in the Supreme Court. I have defended and advised a billion-dollar organization. I have a top-secret clearance and have advised the federal government on issues that I cannot publicly discuss. I have also been an active member in multiple bar associations and held numerous board positions in organizations dedicated to serving and advocating for women and children. I was appointed by Governor Hogan as a Commissioner on the Maryland Commission for Women. Equally important as these professional successes, I have been cheerleader and chauffeur for my kids’ club sports, coached rec teams, served as girl scout “cookie mom,” chaperoned field trips, hosted a
constant rotation of playdates and sleepovers, organized school fundraisers, and most proudly, raised three incredible children with my baby boy now towering over me.
If you have not experienced domestic violence first-hand, it might be hard to reconcile these two narratives. You may be wondering how one person could simultaneously live both lives. But, for highachieving professionals who have endured domestic violence, this duality is all too real. They are likely reading this with bated breath terrified that any visible reaction might betray their secret, yet aching to shout, “YES. This happens to people like us!”
Societal Narratives and Misconceptions
Domestic violence, also referred to interchangeably as domestic abuse or intimate partner violence, has become a widely recognized issue. People display purple ribbons to show support, October is Domestic Violence Awareness month, and films and books often include storylines about abusive relationships. Yet, despite this widespread exposure and the wealth of available resources offered by non-profit organizations, there remains a significant gap in socially accepted truths and understanding.
The dual existence experienced by high achieving professionals, such as attorneys, in an abusive relationship is exhausting and complex - and often
goes unspoken, or worse, is met with shame. While facing emotional and logistical struggles common to all victims of abuse – such as anxiety, fear, self-doubt, worthlessness, guilt, sadness, stress, and isolation, these individuals must also carry the burden of maintaining a polished exterior. In their professional settings, they’re expected to embody confidence, strength, decisiveness, and composure. The result is an endless internal war: intense, private pain with a curated public persona.
This struggle is compounded by a harmful societal narrative that suggests abuse does not happen to successful, high achieving individuals, and that domestic violence looks a particular way. This leads to many professionals not only questioning whether they are experiencing abuse but also wondering whether it is their fault. And in professional settings where strength is valued and vulnerability is often mistaken for incompetence, the stakes of being exposed are high. They often fear that any perceived sign of weakness will cause others to question their judgment or ability.
The truth is, it is likely that one of your colleagues, or perhaps even you, are currently in an abusive relationship. No level of education, income, social status, or professional achievements can shield a person from this epidemic. But, society continues to perpetuate false narratives:
Professional success is a safeguard against domestic violence; truth is—it’s not.
It doesn’t happen to ‘people like us;’ truth is—it does.
She could just leave; truth is—it’s not that simple.
Society has embraced the idea of a victim who is low income or financially dependent, uneducated, and unemployed or earning minimum wage. And, although statements that ‘abuse knows no boundary’ are included in all domestic violence campaigns, society often shuns the truth that a victim could also be someone who holds an advanced degree, has a successful career, is in a position of authority or leadership, is known and respected in their community, or is financially independent. Moreover, the common description of domestic violence is limited to physical abuse – the stereotypical woman with the black eye or broken arm. But this fails to address other forms of abuse that fall under the domestic violence umbrella – these other types of abuse are typically less understood, yet equally and sometimes more traumatizing. These misconceptions have dire consequences to victims who don’t fit the accepted mold.
Fellow members of the bar and other professional colleagues will continue to suffer these consequences until we begin
to openly engage in crucial conversations. I understand that challenging a widely accepted narrative may take more than one person’s story to shift your perspective. You may find yourself doubting my assertions - or even distancing yourself by mentally editing your own story to avoid discomfort. If you are doing either, you aren’t alone. It is common for even those directly affected to minimize and deny the idea that members of the bar can experience abuse.
The Challenges of Collecting Accurate Data
Collecting accurate data about domestic violence is difficult, but even more difficult is obtaining data on professionals who experience it – likely the main reason being underreporting and not seeking services due to shame, fear, and unmet needs. I personally avoided any opportunity to be included in a data set. I refused, denied, and minimized any act that would have deemed me a victim. I wouldn’t report to authorities, I wouldn’t seek services, and I would never admit anything to an independent researcher. As a prosecutor, I referred victims to local organizations for services; but I would not seek the same. Doing so could have broken the wall between attorney and client, and I feared if colleagues found out they would question my ability to handle cases. And even if I was willing to seek assistance, the compilation of services offered by the local organizations did not meet my needs. I did not need shelter, necessities, or legal advice. I needed financial advice about how to protect my assets, assistance maintaining an active household with a demanding career, or group support with people who related to my lifestyle. And finally, I was not going to call the police. They were my colleagues, witnesses, and clients.
My personal theory on the lack of data about professionals experiencing domestic violence is not purely subjective conjure, though. When I searched for relevant data, it was difficult to find. Ironically, the Department of Justice posted one article1, and it wasn’t even from the United States. The 2005 research article was from a South African journal, but it clearly captured the problem that I knew existed: “Despite the fact that emotional abuse within intimate relationships is a widespread form of violence found in countries around the world, it is rarely recognized as a form of violence. Indeed, there has been a paucity of research in the area of intimate partner emotional abuse, particularly in South Africa and particularly where the abused partner is a professional woman.” In 2024, the Council on Criminal Justice posted a research article that analyzed domestic violence criminal data and concluded, “Because of [stated] factors, the United States has no solid grasp on how much domestic violence actually occurs in communities.”2
1 Professional Women as Victims of Emotional Abuse Within Marriage or Cohabitating Relationships: A Victimological Study, M. Barkhuizen; R. Pretorius, Acta Criminologica Volume: 18 Issue, p.10-20 (2005). https://www.ojp.gov/ncjrs/virtual-library/abstracts/professional-women-victims-emotional-abuse-within-marriage-or
2 Toward a Better Estimate of Domestic Violence in America, Alex R. Piquero, Ph.D, Andrew Wheeler, Ph.D., (2024) https://counciloncj.org/toward-a-better-estimate-of-domesticviolence-in-america/
The truth is, it is likely that one of your colleagues, or perhaps even you, are currently in an abusive relationship. No level of education, income, social status, or professional achievements can shield a person from this epidemic.
Sobering Statistics
Even with the challenges in collecting accurate data, the statistics we do have are sobering. Reports state that one in three women and one in four men have experienced domestic violence in an adult relationship, one in four women and one in seven men experience physical violence by an intimate partner,3 and 95% of individuals who call the national domestic violence hotline report experiencing emotional abuse.4
A recent experience that I had serves as an important data point in conjunction with formal statistics. I attended a networking social event with a local group of elite attorneys and judges from across the legal profession. Because I was not a regular attendee, I was given the opportunity to briefly introduce myself to the entire group. There were at most 70 women, likely less. I shared that I started a consulting firm to break the silence around professionals experiencing domestic violence and to provide direct services. After this introduction and without prompting, two individuals separately pulled me aside. With tears in their eyes, both discreetly confided that they have experienced domestic abuse as a practicing attorney. They thanked me for using my voice to speak the truth, although they were not comfortable doing so, citing fears of judgment and professional repercussions. Three of us in that small room experienced and hid domestic violence while building successful legal careers. I often wonder how many others left that event carrying this heavy secret, and silently grateful to hear that they aren’t alone.
NECESSARY STEPS TOWARDS CHANGE
What can be done so that fewer people carry this burden?
EDUCATE .
No matter the label - domestic violence or abuse –true understanding is essential. Domestic violence is defined as abusive behavior that is part of a systemic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one person in an intimate relationship against the other. Physical violence may occur, but not necessarily. Other forms of abuse include psychological, emotional, financial, sexual, and more. These can be perpetrated in many ways such as belittling, insulting, gaslighting, manipulation, withholding or controlling money, forced sexual acts or sexual shaming, monitoring or controlling communication, or isolation from family or friends.
RECOGNIZE AND RE-EVALUATE.
We must challenge a common theory that someone experiencing abuse is weak or should be treated differently than someone who is not. To understand a person enduring abuse, it is important to recognize the immense strength it takes to survive each day. These individuals often live in a state of hyper vigilance, sleep-deprived due to anxiety and fear yet expected to perform at the highest level – sometimes flawlessly, both professionally and personally. They cannot afford to show weakness, and so they often master survival skills that simultaneously benefit them at work; meticulous attention to detail, being proactive and calculated, remaining calm in stressful situations, excelling at multitasking, and arguably most impressive is their hidden, unwavering, strength. The mental, and sometimes physical, strength it takes to maintain composure while hiding fear and anxiety could bring many to their knees. But these individuals silently carry an unbearable weight while building success. So, I ask you, if a woman can command a room, innovate, strategize, be successful, lead with compassion, and earn respect, all while burdened by an invisible weight, what could she do when the burden is lifted?
3 Domestic Violence, Martin R. Huecker, Kevin C. King, Gary A. Jordan, William Smock (2023) https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/ NBK499891/#:~:text=According%20to%20the%20CDC%2C%201,sexual%20violence%20during%20their%20lifetimes
As important as education is to minimize shame and build confidence, without specific services, an individual could be stuck in the perpetual wheel of survival with no time to focus on their escape.
ENGAGE.
It may start with one person, but together we can change the narrative and empower individuals. By being proactive, our firms, organizations, and our profession can improve our culture. This is preciously why I created The Lee Consultants (TLC), a consulting firm dedicated to transforming the narrative around high-achieving professionals who experience domestic abuse.
Join the Movement
This change will only happen with intentional steps. As the great Socrates said, “There is only one good, knowledge, and one evil, ignorance.” Ignorance fuels shame and stigmas and this has negative impacts in our profession. But by embracing the unknown, openly seeking to better understand, and engaging in difficult conversations, our firms and companies will affirm the commitment to employee wellbeing. Studies have shown that this commitment enhances employee performance which may ultimately result in profitable outcomes. Supported employees have increased productivity, availability, innovation, and a higher retention rate, amongst other benefits. In addition to focused trainings, ensuring your policies and practices address this issue, and offering specific services as part of your employee benefits package is another groundbreaking move to show support for your attorneys and professional colleagues.
As important as education is to minimize shame and build confidence, without specific services, an individual could be stuck in the perpetual wheel of survival with no time to focus on their escape. Direct, individualized, services provide the support and guidance needed while meeting the unique needs of an attorney attempting to sustain professional success while navigating their situation.
Amanda Lee is the Founder of The Lee Consultants (TLC), a firm dedicated to transforming the narrative around high-achieving professionals who experience domestic abuse. Amanda raises awareness and challenges misconceptions, while also offering tailored support services to meet the unique needs of this demographic.
If at any time you are in immediate danger call 911. The Maryland Lawyer Assistance Program (LAP) has assisted thousands
The Lawyer Assistance Program provides free, confidential assistance to all Maryland lawyers, judges, law school students, and support staff by offering assessment, referral, short-term counseling, and continued support to ensure long term success. If you are concerned about another lawyer you can make an anonymous referral to LAP. We offer financial assistance for Mental Health and Addiction Treatment.
Please feel free to reach out to our LAP Committee Members and Volunteers www.msba.org/health-and-wellness/