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A U R O R A C AT H O L I C D I O C E S E O F M A I T L A N D - N E W C A S T L E
Keeping up appearances The internet can be a useful tool but an increasing number of men and women are reporting relationship conflict due to a partner spending too much time online instead of with them, according to research by Relationships Australia.
almost 20 years’ experience working with couples. She said while humans had adapted to the use of technology to stay connected in a busy world, social media was designed to keep people coming back for more.
These concerning results were revealed in a 2015 survey, titled "The Internet and Relationships", and followed an investigation in 2012 by the national counselling service, that found almost 80 per cent of Australian practitioners had counselled clients who had concerns about the impact of digital communications tools on their relationships.
“Technology use is engineered to be highly addictive,” Ms Pavan said. “A quick Instagram check can blur hours into a virtual black hole and this can prevent us from forming and maintaining healthy relationships.”
Jen*, 28, from Newcastle believes excessive use of the internet destroyed her long-term relationship after her partner began interacting with people on Facebook most nights rather than spending time with her.
"Presentism refers to a person being there in body but psychologically absent,” Ms Pavan said. “It is typically caused by the excessive internet use of one person, which leads to the other person in the relationship feeling neglected and undervalued.”
She said initially his internet use appeared to be innocent but over time he became more and more withdrawn to the point they were barely communicating at all. Later she learnt he had been flirting with multiple women online behind her back, in what she described as “emotional cheating”. “He became extremely secretive, taking his phone to the bathroom,” she said. “We stopped being intimate which made me feel so insecure. I checked his phone and discovered he’d been talking to women online. I ended things soon after.” Jen says she will never stand for a partner choosing the internet over face-to-face time with her in the future after the pain she’s experienced. Kelly Pavan, psychologist and clinical services manager at CatholicCare has
BY TODD DAGWELL
Robyn Donnelly, co-ordinator of marriage and relationship education at CatholicCare says technology is unavoidable in modern life, which is why social media use is explored in significant detail in all four of the courses she teaches. “Social media and the internet can be a great positive in a relationship when used for shared things such as booking restaurants or researching holidays,” she said. “But there are negatives; we know Facebook can make people feel like the grass is always greener. Problems arise when people develop an ‘I’ mentality.” Mrs Donnelly said the key to avoiding conflict and resentment was establishing boundaries. “Setting technology boundaries, such as not at meal times and introducing time parameters, is not about
Sarah Hoppe and husband Dean are currently completing a relationship education course
A quick Instagram check can blur hours into a virtual black hole and this can prevent us from forming and maintaining healthy relationships. power and control but loving respect,” she said. Sarah Hoppe and her husband Dean, from Medowie, have been together five years and were recently married. They are currently completing one of Ms Donnelly’s relationship education courses, to enhance their already strong connection, and have appreciated the social media section. Mrs Hoppe said early in the relationship she and her partner argued about social media use but were able to talk and resolve the issues honestly. “We discussed and saw the importance of setting specific times when we use social media,” Mrs Hoppe said.
Making it real BY TODD DAGWELL The internet can be a highly positive instrument for the advancement of society when used thoughtfully and respectfully. Unfortunately there is also a downside to this technology, as highlighted in Aurora’s examination of online pornography in schools and excessive screen time in adult relationships. These issues along with; cyber bullying, identity fraud, data protection, equal access and the danger of people sacrificing “real-life” connections to spend more time online, prompted the Australian Catholic Bishops’ Conference to address the subject in its 2019-2020 Social Justice Statement, Making it Real: Genuine human encounter in our digital world. The statement affirms the positive possibilities for encounter and unity offered by new digital media,
Photo: Peter Stoop
This has led to a relatively new, but widespread, relationship problem that psychologists have dubbed, “presentism”.
“When we are together we will try and limit the time spent on our phones because you don’t realise how distracting it can be. “From Robyn’s course we have learnt how important it is to openly communicate and not take the other person’s feedback as criticism. We all have areas to work on and improve – the course can only strengthen your relationship.” No doubt the majority of couples would benefit from the same insight. *Name has been changed. Todd Dagwell is a contributor to Aurora
Todd Dagwell is a contributor to Aurora
while warning of those elements that are harmful to the dignity of individuals and the common good.
1. Make your online presence one of respect
Bishop of Parramatta, Vincent Long Van Nguyen, the chairman of the Bishops’ Commission for Social Justice – Mission and Service, says Pope Francis has called on us to "boldly become citizens of the digital world" and has frequently referred to the need for "solidarity" to ensure the internet becomes a place where people always feel empowered to call out bad behaviour.
3. Take care of yourself and others
The statement offers 10 steps we all can take to “help each one of us incarnate our solidarity – to give it flesh and bones – both online and face to face”, Bishop Van Nguyen said.
10. We are called to be citizens of the digital world
2. Be present to others in the real and virtual world 4. Promote digital literacy in every community 5. Do not leave our sisters and brothers behind 6. Local community is a place to make the virtual real 7. Protect the personal data of citizens 8. Join the call for transparency and accountability 9. Truth and trustworthiness must be guaranteed To read 2019-2020 Social Justice Statement go to socialjustice.catholic.org.au/publications/socialjustice-statements#SJS2019