anger & aggression
n e r d l i h c in
They are not bad or naught y, they need your help. BY ALITA BLANCHARD, PARENT COACH
When life gets tough with your children and they are expressing a lot of anger and acting aggressively, it can be incredibly triggering and challenging for parents to know what to do. This article will introduce some ideas on how to normalise anger and healthy aggression and to support your child through these challenging moments. Please know this is a nuanced topic and requires a deeper understanding of child development, brain and attachment and nervous system science that cannot be covered in a short article. Reach out to me directly for deeper support. When you child has angry and aggressive behaviour the focus needs to be: Regulating yourself first Keep bodies safe Slow everything down
Be present and know this is your MOST important work Self compassion Nervous system care.
think “my child is violent and needs serious help” We are screamed at by our tween and think “I’ve raised a monster.”
ABOUT AGGRESSION Most of us learned as children that standing up for our beliefs, saying No, and expressing our wants and needs were not welcome. We learnt to suppress our feelings. We learned that using our voice was dangerous and that anger and rage will be punished.
These expressions of aggression are actually signs that our child needs us – with love, support and regulation.
And so when we have children and they start displaying anger and aggression, it feels almost unbearable and we get stuck in a cycle of fear and judgement. For example We see our 2–year old bite their cousin and we think, “Oh my god, what is wrong with my child?” We are hit by our 5–year old having an enormous emotional storm, and we
WHEN YOU CHILD IS AGGRESSIVE Don’t do this: Hit or bite back Yell and scream Spank or smack Start lecturing them Teach them what to do while they are upset – their brain is offline. Punish them or time out – it only creates disconnection, not learning Call them “bad” or “naughty” – this is shaming your child. Do this: Consider their age and stage of development Practice your own self regulation tools
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