Coping with grief
during the holiday season
BY DR ELLY WARREN – FRACGP
Christmas, the most wonderful time of the year! As our favourite carols waft through re–opened shopping malls post lock down, our heads spin with excitement, anticipation, joy, generosity, nostalgia, and contentment. The pandemic has taken a toll though this year and many of us may also be experiencing other emotions such as stress, exhaustion, disappointment, apprehension, and apathy, to name a few. A tendency towards overindulgence in spending, eating, drinking and festivities can increase the stress around the holiday season. We’ve all been deprived of
social connections during the pandemic and should go easy on ourselves when venturing back out into the world. This will be even more complicated if you are dealing with loss. With so much focus on family and friends, this time of year is very challenging if you’ve experienced the death of a loved one. Christmas and other significant anniversaries can trigger grief and intensify the uncertainty, anger, sadness and frustration that comes with losing someone you love. What is socially expected to be a fun holiday season, can become a world of loneliness, guilt, fear, panic, yearning and pain. There is sometimes an expectation that grief should be put aside during the festive period, that we may be spoiling it for everyone else if we let people know
how we really feel. It may be hard for others who haven’t experienced the death of a loved one to understand the huge emotions that threaten to boil over as we try to put on a brave face. The pressure of playing happy families can be extremely distressing. So how do you get through it all? Christmas and other important cultural celebrations will never be the same after someone close to you dies. While you can’t rush the grieving process, there are things you can do to make the holiday period easier. You may need to challenge your or your family’s idea of the ‘perfect Christmas’ and make sure the experience is meaningful and manageable for you. For some, it may mean not celebrating at all. Acknowledge that the holidays will be different.
TIPS FOR COPING WITH GRIEF OVER THE HOLIDAY SEASON Try and spend time with people who are supportive of you. Decide which traditions you want to keep and those you want to change. Maybe create a new tradition in memory of your loved one. Light a special candle in their memory. Play your loved one’s favourite music. Consider expressing your feelings in a creative way, such as artwork or writing. Consider doing something you would not usually do in memory of the deceased. Make a donation in their name, plant a tree or perhaps do some volunteer work. Fill a stocking with memories of your loved one and allow others to contribute. Write a letter or a card to the person who has died, don’t be concerned if you want to talk out loud to them... do it. Visit the graveside or a special location to sit and remember. Lay a wreath, flowers or a meaningful item for them. Share your memories with someone else, the photos and the stories. Don’t be afraid to laugh as you remember some of the good times. Do something that makes you feel good. It may be as simple as reading a magazine, going for a walk, listening to music, fishing, getting a massage or enjoying a cup of coffee at your favourite cafe.
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Plan your time so that you are under as little stress as possible. Plan how to keep things simple and gentle. Ask for some assistance with preparations including going shopping, preparing gifts and meals. Say YES to people who want to help and may offer their support. Take them up on their offers. You might want to write a journal, making a note of what worked and what did not. Be honest. Tell people what you do and do not want to do for the holidays. Listen to yourself, trust yourself, communicate with your family, and do what works for you. Ensure some quiet time. It’s OK to miss events if you don’t feel up to going. Take time out when you need it. Get at least 20 minutes of sunlight and fresh air every day. Exercise most days of the week for at least 30 minutes. Prioritise sleep and minimise alcohol. Remember that it’s OK to be happy during the festive season. Enjoying the holidays does not diminish how much you love and miss the person who isn’t here. If you are finding it difficult to manage on a day–to–day basis, see your friendly GP, who can help link you in with a counsellor or psychologist.
