On the Coast Families / April May 2024 edition

Welcome

With Mother’s Day coming up next month, I want to take this opportunity to honour all the mums (and my amazing mum Lynn), aunties, grandmas and ‘mum–like’ figures in our community. Being a mum to three little humans is by the far the most rewarding, joy–bringing, heart–filling, challenging experience of my life. And nothing could have prepared me for the roller coaster that is, motherhood.

It is the greatest gift, one that I do not take for granted and am so immensely grateful I have been blessed with a family to care for, love and be cherished by. It is an absolute privilege.

Our role as ‘mums’ is so important that sometimes I feel like society has forgotten just how grand an impact we have. We are raising the leaders of tomorrow and creating the communities of the future that will change the world and evolve it far beyond our wildest dreams.

And even on the days when we feel like we are failing or falling apart, we are still doing the best we can for our little ones.

So in case no one has told you lately, you are doing great!

Happy Mother’s Day Coasties – we love you, we adore you, you rock!

Art Director/Editor

Tanzie Carpenter

tanzie@onthecoastpublications.com.au

Production

Luke Carpenter

luke@onthecoastpublications.com.au

Editor Jessica Sanford

editor@onthecoastpublications.com.au

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Luke Carpenter / 0405 449 339

trading as On the Coast Publications

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Imagery

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Contributors

Sam and Jordi Woods, Shell Barker, Alice Worthy, The Heart & Mind Collective Team, Sarah Tolmie, Dr Nicholas Altuneg, Selina Chapman, Cathy Spooner, Carin Clegg, Alita Blanchard, Georgia Spencer, Sheree Orbell & Louise Hurley

4 Coffee with a Coastie –Alex Wilson

6 Central Coast Kids Day Out

7 Post–bub styling

9 Jess & Ducko for breakfast

10 Why there is never a ‘right time’ to get a bra fitting

12 5 things to know about doulas

14 How to foster healthy communication with our children

17 Matters of life & love

18 Homework wars: is your child struggling?

20 The p ower of forgiveness

23 Fail–safe family food tips and tricks

24 Weathering the storm: maintaining emotional and mental fitness in times of stress

26 Radical s elf–care for mothers

28 Major changes to the Family Law System

30 Returning to exercise or movement after a caesarean section

coffee Coastie WITH A

ALEX WILSON ACCREDITED MENTAL HEALTH SOCIAL WORKER

Welcome to Coffee with a Coastie. I had the pleasure of sitting down with Mindful Recovery Services founder, Alex Wilson. After being helped by counsellors to navigate her own difficult teenage years, Alex has gone on to forge a successful career in mental health, helping teenagers and young adults. Alex’s journey is one of inspiration, so I was excited to get the opportunity to chat with Alex.

How did you come to live on the Central Coast?

My husband’s originally from the Central Coast, and when we first met in Sydney working at Royal North Shore Hospital, he introduced me to Avoca. Then when we were planning to have kids, we wanted to move out of Sydney, for financial reasons and the environment here just seemed good for raising kids. So we moved here when our eldest was four weeks old and we’ve been here ever since.

Before working as a social worker at Royal North Shore Hospital what did you do and what influenced you to become a mental health social worker?

I went straight from school into a social work degree at Sydney Uni, then straight into hospital social work. Starting in critical care settings, like emergency departments then I fell into mental health after having had exposure to mental health working in emergency departments. It wasn’t my plan to specialize in mental health, but a job came up that sounded interesting, and I took it. It was in community mental health, and I found that I loved it.

It all happened in a roundabout way when I was a teenager, I was very difficult. I gave my parents hell and did not want to do what I was told; my teenage years were quite rough, I was getting kicked out of school and just not complying to anything. My parents

ended up sending me to a boarding school in America for two and a half years, so that it got me out of the country. At the boarding school I was lucky enough to meet counsellors that I bonded with who helped me navigate that time of my life. That’s why I went into social work and then moved into mental health so that I could help teenagers and young adults in particular.

You specialise in Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT), which was developed in the late 1980s to treat borderline personality disorder and chronic suicidal thoughts. Can you share a little about DBT?

Until the development of DBT there was really no treatment for borderline personality disorder. When DBT came along, finally we had something to treat this. Borderline personality disorder can be a funny diagnosis, because it’s a diagnosis of exclusion. People usually get diagnosed when doctors are like, it’s not anxiety, it’s not depression, it’s not bipolar, it’s not this, it’s not that, it must be borderline personality disorder. One of the most difficult things about Borderline Personality Disorder is it often involves chronic suicidal ideation. It is still one of the deadliest mental illnesses, having the second highest fatality rate behind anorexia nervosa.

The difference with DBT is that it’s aimed at people with risky behaviours, whereas other psychological therapies

are not, and one of the problems we still have in our community is that we have this gap between “regular” psychology services which are for mild to moderate acuity issues. Then you’ve got nothing up until the hospital services, which are acute mental health services for people that need hospital admission. There’s a big gap in between, and that’s where DBT fits in. It was designed to work with risk, and the original research showed it to be a gold standard for treatment of borderline personality disorder and suicidality.

Now lots of studies also show it’s effective for drug and alcohol issues, eating disorders and when people are struggling to regulate their emotions.

Mindful Recovery Services focuses on providing mental health treatment and support for teens and young adults struggling with complex mental health issues. What was it that inspired you to go out on your own?

When I was working in the public mental health system, I worked within community mental health teams and inpatient psychiatric wards, where I was involved in starting a DBT program. This was my first exposure to DBT therapy, where I got to see first hand how effective it was for clients that hadn’t responded to other things before. When I decided to go out on my own it made sense for me to focus on DBT because I’d seen how effective it was. I really loved

working with that client group who previously had really poor outcomes. Up until we had a DBT program, we just couldn’t offer them very much. I was passionate about DBT and wanted to move into private practice because to be honest, I got sick of all the red tape. I felt like there was so much that would take up our days that we barely got to see clients in between it all. So I wanted to move into private practice where the bulk of the work is just seeing people and not having all of the other bureaucratic stuff to deal with.

Lastly, if a parent is concerned about their child’s mental health but is unsure how to approach them about it, what would your advice be?

The first piece of advice I always give is choose your timing wisely. Don’t try and talk to them when they’re stressed out, just home from school, in the middle of an online game or in a text battle with their friends. Try and create activities where you know you can talk to them. This might be when you get them in the car and you have a captive audience, going with them to take the dog for a walk or taking them out to lunch or a shopping trip, timing is really important. When everybody’s calm, that’s when you’re going to have your greatest chance. Otherwise, you’ll just get a door slammed in your face.

Then ask questions, listen, and just shut up. Talk less, listen more. An example could be that you say, hey I’ve

Driven to make a difference!

Luke with Alex Wilson

noticed you don’t seem like yourself recently or you seem upset and/or stressed out, do you want to share what’s going on. Then just shut up and listen. If they say they don’t want to talk about it, respect that and let them know if they

As soon as you tell a young person what they should do, they’re not going to do it. Listen more, talk less

do want to talk, you’re there for them. You could say, I don’t have the answers, but I’m happy to listen, that will often get them talking. What young people don’t want is advice. But if you listen first, they may be open to some advice if it’s delivered in the right way. But you have to listen first. You could tell them that you’ve noticed that they are having a hard time, and you’re just there to listen. Plant the seed and leave it alone. You can revisit it, and if eventually they start talking you’ve got to stick to listening.

Don’t jump into, well what you should do is ABC, just listen, validate, and ask them what they think might help. If they don’t know or don’t want to share, you can start to plant seeds and ask; do you want to maybe talk to a counsellor? I could ask around and see who might be good. Do you want me to research

it for you? Do you want me to book the appointment?

You can do all these things to help without saying, you should do this. As soon as you tell a young person what they should do, they’re not going to do it. Listen more, talk less.

If you are concerned about suicidal stuff, ask flat out, just ask. And if they say they are having suicidal thoughts, the mental health access line is a good place to start. They’re a community team and if there’s any concern of imminent risk, they can get all the right services involved right away. If not, they can direct you to where to go. If you’re not sure, just ask. It’s not going to put the idea in their mind. That’s not how that works. Young people are aware that suicide is a thing. It’s not like we’re introducing them to the idea. Research says around 90% of people who are having suicidal thoughts will tell someone before they act on them.

If we ask the question, we are creating an environment where we’re saying, I want to know if you’re having these sorts of thoughts. This way we can intervene early so that it doesn’t get worse and worse overtime. If you get a response, you’re not going to freak out and you’re not going to ignore it, you’re going to do something in the middle, this tells the young person, oh, okay, this is something that I can talk about. And we want them to talk about it so that we can do something about it. It’s not going to give them the idea. They are very aware that this is something that happens. So, if we provide an environment where they can talk about it, they will. Then we obviously want to take the steps to do what we need to do, to keep them safe.

Should you or someone you know need support, please call: Mental Health Access Line (Central Coast): 1800 011 511

Lifeline: 13 11 14

If anyone would like to find out more about Alex and the work she is doing to help teens and young adults, you can find her online at mindfulrecovery.com.au

So please be sure to scan the QR code or go to coffeewithacoastie.com.au to hear the full conversation where I talk to Alex about:

• Building resilience in children

• Practical ways to deal with and work through anxiety

• Her love of Martial Arts for her own mental health

• Alex’s most vital DBT skill essential for change, the Distress Tolerance Curve

• Identifying and understanding your values

• Advice if living in a difficult environment

• The diver’s reflex and how to use it when experiencing panic disorder

• And so much more to help you and your child

CENTRAL COAST KidsDayOut

Sunday 5th May / 10am – 3pm

THE MOST AFFORDABLE FAMILY EVENT YET

More and more we’re becoming aware that a balance of wholesome eating, physical activity, connection with community and a balanced lifestyle are the secrets to happy, healthy families. The more we know about HOW to achieve all this the better. The theme of this year’s CCKDO event “SHINING BRIGHTLY ~ HEALTHY MINDS + STRONG BODIES + RESILIENT KIDS = HAPPY FAMILIES”, and it will showcase all of this and more, in what’s shaping up to be the biggest and best Central Coast Kids Day Out event yet.

CCKDO is dedicated to delivering a well–rounded event, focussing on families with children aged 0–12. Good information is such an important contribution towards this.

CCKDO is known for being A GREAT DAY OUT FOR THE ENTIRE FAMILY with all the fun of the fair and this year certainly has plenty to offer ~ free carnival rides, interactive demonstrations, local entertainers, participation activities such as Little Kickers and Roundabout Circus, fairytale characters and two amazing headline acts – everyone’s favourite blue heeler Bluey and her sister Bingo presenting their Live Interactive Experience and PAW Patrol – meet Chase, Marshall, Rubble, Skye and Ryder. See them perform live across two stages over the course of the day.

Check out our website and social media for all the information you need! https://www.cckdo.org

AND follow us on Facebook

https://www.facebook.com/CCKDO

CCKDO provides access to the myriad of family services and agencies available, including speech pathology, chiropractic, benevolent and mental health services, education, MoveAbout Therapy services, early learning centres and daycare, with commercial market stalls including toys, clothing, gifts, drama and music providers… All of this, combined with great food stalls, a display of the latest family cars thanks to Brian Hilton Motor Group, themed rooms, fire engines, animals, passport prize giveaway makes for the perfect family day out.

Family tickets $39 (2 adults, 2 kids) $5 per extra child available at the gate or book online to avoid the rush.

For more details and tickets visit

https://www.cckdo.org

It takes a village! Last minute SPONSORSHIPS, ACTIVITY CONTRIBUTIONS and STALLS are still available. If you’d like to contribute to Central Coast Kids Day Out email us on promotions@cckdo.org

If you’d like to contribute as a volunteer at the event or wish to apply to be part of the CCKDO committee, we’d love to hear from you.

Email us on info@cckdo.org

Listen to STAR 104.5 for Breakfast and All Star family pass giveaways and more news on what’s on and we’ll see you at Central Coast Kids Day Out on Sunday 5th May!

Post–bub styling

BY SAM & JORDI WOODS

Whether you are two months or two years post pregnancy, adapting to your new shape can be daunting, frustrating and confusing. However, with the right knowledge and styling techniques it doesn’t have to be!

Before we continue, we want to remind you to be kind to yourself and acknowledge you have bought life into this world. So focus your mindset on the positives in your life and things you like about your physical appearance – it will change your mindset instantaneously.

Don’t think because your shape isn’t what it was, that you need to sacrifice your style and dress safe or opt for baggy clothes. Always try to add in some element to your look that depicts your style. Opting for accessories also means fit is not important! For example if you have a fun, quirky style add in a statement necklace or bright–coloured sneakers. If your style is more modern and luxe try a crystal headband teamed with a tee, pull on jeans and a loafer shoe.

REMINDER : Don’t compare yourself to who you were pre pregnancy! It won’t do you any good. Just focus on the here and now and start to discover new things that you appreciate and like about your body!

afewstylingtipstotry

Overalls are amazing as they have room and can be dressed up with a blazer on cool days and dressed down with a tank/tee on warmer days.

A slip dress is ideal as they are not waisted and can be layered. For example; wear with a tee underneath to create a pinafore look or layer a longline cardi or unstructured blazer over the top for when a little added warmth is needed.

Focus your mindset on the positives in your life and things you like about your physical appearance – it will change your mindset instantaneously

Knit stretch pants are great as they are comfy and can be layered with a relaxed tee and oversized denim jacket for a casual vibe that isn’t gym tights and a jumper.

Kimonos or long line shirt dresses are fantastic as they can create the illusion of length in the torso and be layered over something more fitted without leaving you feeling too exposed.

CHANGE YOUR LOOK WITH ACCESSORIES!

If you find a garment that fits, is comfy and you love, get creative and dress it up/ down for various occasions. Accessories will become your new best friend (and they always fit!). Statement earrings, a glitzy clutch and ankle boots are perfect additions to your jeans and blouse for dinner at the pub. A comfy sneaker, coloured cross body bag and bold necklace teamed back with the same jeans and blouse is a great alternative for a coffee date and groceries. Regardless of where you are post pregnancy, have fun with colour, work with layers, embrace your style and enjoy the days with your new little bundle of joy!

Vibrantly yours, Sam & Jordi Woods xx

Understanding styling and fashion is one thing. Having a super natural flair for making everyday people look incredible is another. Once you’ve met Sam and Jordi Woods, it’s hard not to catch their infectious passion for dressing to match your own lifestyle, personality and charisma. Through their consultancy ‘Vibrant Concepts’, Sam and Jordi have transformed the lives of thousands. Let Sam and Jordi show you how to look and feel fabulous everyday at their Style Studio in Erina – learn the art of illusion dressing, colour matching, styling, translating fashion trends and savvy shopping with their unique VC Signature Styling Systems and services that are truly personal and really work! To contact Vibrant Concepts phone 0425 221 676

Jess&Ducko

The Hit Network’s Jess & Ducko have taken the radio world by storm, and the dynamic duo are gearing up for a massive year!

Though no strangers to the microphone, Jess & Ducko, aka Jess Farchione and Nick ‘Ducko’ Allen–Ducat, are hitting Central Coasts airwaves for the first time. It’s been a long time coming for the duo, who both had an unexpected journey into brekky radio.

“Radio was never on my vision board,” Jess says. “I stumbled into it by heading along to a community radio station information night. I fell in love from the get–go.”

Ducko’s journey in the entertainment industry has been a steady climb, from working behind the scenes to dabbling in acting and television presenting. But there’s nothing that excites Ducko more than going live on the radio. “The instant connection you get with your audience is more powerful than any other platform”, he says. “It’s so special. We get to speak directly to the community.”

Jess and Ducko are building a mighty loyal following as they enthral listeners with tales of their wild adventures and major life milestones.

In October 2023 Jess welcomed her first child, Lucia, with her husband, Angus. She says it’s made her see life differently. “I watch Lucia see something for the first time – something as simple as a cloud in the sky, a leaf on the jasmine vine, a picture in a book. Her eyes widen, and she smiles. My heart just explodes as she discovers everything beautiful, special, and interesting in our world,” Jess beams.

Ducko spends his weekends enjoying an active lifestyle with his wife, Morgan, and their beloved dog, Pam.

FOR BREAKFAST

“My idea of a great weekend is getting to Avoca Beach, having a surf, and then grabbing a drink and bite to eat at Lady Copa Pizzeria in Copacabana,” Ducko says.

While the duo has plenty in common, their shared love for food and the outdoors are regular themes weaved into their Breakfast show. Braving the early mornings together for more than five years, Jess and Ducko have created a brand of radio that encourages listeners to be a part of their lives.

“Nothing is off–limits for us. We’re both ‘too real’ sometimes. I think we both tend to overshare a bit,” Ducko laughs. “People get to know us,” Jess says. “It’s a privilege to be a part of the morning for our listeners’ and their families. When people tell me their kids love me—that’s so unbelievably special!”

The instant connection you get with your audience is more powerful than any other platform, Ducko says.

Jess and Ducko are eager to continue creating exciting radio for listeners. “Ducko and I had a big chat about what we wanted in 2024. We were sitting on my couch, and almost simultaneously, we said – let’s just have fun,” Jess recalls. “If we can be a bit of comic relief for someone’s daily commute or the community, we’re doing our job right”, Ducko says.

If energy and passion are signs of things to come, Jess and Ducko have exciting plans on the horizon – and their radio show should not be missed!

Listen to Jess & Ducko on the Central Coast’s Hit101.3 from 6–9am on weekdays, also on LiSTNR.

WHY THERE IS NEVER A ‘RIGHT TIME’ TO GET A

BY SHELL BARKER, OWNER OF SHELL LINGERIE, BESPOKE BRA FITTING SERVICE

You’ve seen the viral posts on social media, you know the ones where the child has got six pairs of new shoes, matching outfits, the latest gadget in parenting technology but the mum only has one daggy bra? Sound familiar? Here are the most common excuses and how to overcome them.

I’m embarrassed/I don’t want to get my boobs out

First of all, you are not alone. A department store fitting room historically has been a vulnerable experience for many people. We all have horror stories or have been made to feel excluded in some way. That’s why an independent bra fitting service gives you a completely new approach. It can seem intimidating to be in a fitting room with another person, but one thing is for sure you don’t have to remove your bra if you do not want to. An experienced and expert bra fitter can fit you by ‘eye’, yes that’s right; look at you and know what bra size you are. It’s an official superpower. They also should provide a nurturing and sympathetic ear, listening to you and honouring your past experiences. If you come with an open mind you’ll see that it doesn’t have to be the old fashioned way.

It’s also important to consider that most of us have not been taught how to

buy our bras properly. Many of us didn’t have a bra fitting when our breasts began to develop. We didn’t have the experience of developing a relationship with an independent bra store or fitter, a person who could teach us how to properly put on a bra, adjust our tissue in the cup, know where the band is supposed to lie on our back and how tight the straps are supposed to be. There is no shame in learning now and no judgement.

My size may change/I plan on losing weight

This is a common one, most women feel at some point their size is going to change, this could be because they plan on joining the gym, or meal planning. They constantly put off getting fitted for a bra because they don’t feel they will get their money’s worth. If this is you – I ask you to consider the following–would you wear running shoes that are uncomfortable? Would you wear shoes with a hole in them to go to the gym?

ARE YOU PREPARED?

No, you’d invest in quality fitting shoes so that you can start your fitness journey the right way– bras are just the same! A correctly fitted quality bra will mean you can hit your goals sooner because your body can move better and you’ll have the confidence to actually attend that class or go for a run because your boobs won’t be hitting you in the face and you’ll actually be comfortable!

I’m planning on getting pregnant/ are pregnant/waiting for my milk to come in/go

Contrary to popular belief, there’s no hard and fast rule for when to start wearing a maternity bra. Some women find the need for a new bra style or size early on in their pregnancy journey, while others wait until later in their pregnancy. It’s a unique journey for every mum–to–be, depending on how your body changes during this special time.

pregnancy follows the same principles as when you’re not pregnant. A good bra fitter will emphasize fit over measurements, guiding you through a three–step check to ensure your bra fits comfortably. The only difference during pregnancy is fastening new bras on the tightest hook, leaving room for expansion. This also ensures most value for money. A maternity bra, simply put,

to make sure your bra drawer has what you need and isn’t just a reminder of past mistakes. You don’t have to buy your whole bra wardrobe at once. You can build over time (and make sure you retire your old bras over time, too!) If you invest in 3 x $99 bras, where you wash one, wear one and have one ready. You wear those bras every day for 12 months (on rotation) that’s just 81 cents per wear!

need to find someone who has access to the size and style you need, and this is where an independent fitter can help you, they don’t need to be loyal to a particular brand so a good bra fitter will advise you on what works for you your boobs and your body and not try to fit you in something just to sell you a bra.

is a bra designed to accommodate the changes in your body during pregnancy. It’s all about finding a bra that fits well and feels comfortable as your body evolves. Some expectant mothers opt for non–wired bras for added comfort, while others prefer the support of under wire bras. The choice is entirely yours. You might have heard that under wire bras are not recommended in pregnancy. But as long as they are well fitted and size checked regularly, they should be ok. Put simply– if your bras aren’t comfortable you need to get a bra fitting.

I can’t afford expensive bras

This makes perfect sense, especially as we are all tightening our belts, and this is where I believe in quality over quantity. Many women have a drawer (or two) of bras they absolutely hate and do not wear. That is a lot of investment in things that don’t work! Working one–on–one with a fitter is a great way

Good fitting bras are the foundation of your day, they are often the first thing you put on and the last thing you take off (unless you hate them and whip them off at every available opportunity – another sign you need a bra fitting) so invest in getting them right!

You won’t have my size – I don’t ‘do’ under wire (insert bra pain here) If I had a dollar for every woman who has said this, I’d be pretty rich. We have been brainwashed by the media and large stores that we are the problem. Our boobs and our bodies are the reason we cannot find bras that fit. You are wrong. They are wrong – this is a pretty bold claim I know. There are bras out there from a size 4 back (26’) to a 38 (56’) cup size AA to O (yes O – say the alphabet and see how far you get!) so it is definitely not a you problem. You just

In addition, the main reason most women don’t wear under wire or have ditched the wire is due to pain and discomfort. But here’s the real truth…. If you can feel your underwire, your bra does not fit you. If the wire digs in or rubs, your bra does not fit you. However, that’s not to say that some women who have sensory sensitivities or have had health issues should be wearing a wire. Of course, to wear a wire or not is a personal preference, the main thing is getting a bra that fits.

Bra shopping can be a drama and can be something that women hate but it can also be an incredibly uplifting, empowering and effortless experience when you know how and seek the right support and guidance. I hope that this article has allowed you to reflect upon your mindset when it comes to boobs, bras and breastfeeding and you’ll no longer settle for that cheap bra or put yourself last on the list.

5

5 THINGS TO KNOW ABOUT doulas

BY ALICE WORTHY, THE MODERN DOULA

There’s a common misconception that all doulas are hemp wearing hippys with crystals in their pockets who will tell you that having a baby is as easy as breathing. Whilst this may be true of some doulas, it is more commonly a generalisation.

In case you’re still caught up on the hemp wearing hippy idea, here are

can relieve feelings of pain because we are the gatekeepers of the space and promote a safe environment for the mother to express the powerful sensations of birth however she sees fit. Dr Kennell (a paediatrician) famously stated that “if a doula were a drug, it would be unethical not to use it”.

2. Doulas don’t replace your partner/midwife/OB Doulas have a very important role on the birth team as they often act as a conduit between the medical team and your

not be able to perform any clinical care like your midwife or OB, so they play a perfect “in–between” role, often providing as much emotional support for your partner as they do for you.

3. Doulas might look like they’re

Having a positive birth impacts positively on your postpartum journey, lowering your chances of postpartum depression and anxiety, improves your long term pelvic floor health and of course, your breastfeeding journey

this with her presence, picking up on vibes and mood, and gently switching things up to change the environment. This could be as simple as turning off the lights, switching playlists, closing a door or asking people to talk outside the room. Sometimes, a doula is doing absolutely everything by doing absolutely nothing.

4. Doula’s are not ‘anti hospital’ or ‘anti epidural’

Although there may be some doulas with strong opinions on these, it would be a huge generalisation to say that all doulas

are anti hospitals or medical pain relief. Doulas exist to support you through the huge, life changing transition of pregnancy, birth and postpartum, wherever and however this may happen. Having said this, many doulas have witnessed and experienced birth trauma at the hands of the hospital system, and have seen the cascade of interventions that can occur in hospitals. This does not mean they are “anti” either of these things, but have seen the impact of this first hand, and want to reduce these things occurring for women.

5. Doulas are worth their weight in gold So you’ve probably checked out your local doula and gone straight to the packages page on their website and gone wow that’s a lot. I want to challenge this notion with everything in me and ask you a couple of questions with zero judgment. Firstly, how much did you invest into your wedding day? How much have you spent on your gorgeous new baby when you add up the bassinet, the cot, the pram, the outfits and toys?

We spend money on a lot of things, and life is expensive. Consider the cost of a doula an investment not just in your birth experience, but for your foundations of parenthood. The chance of having a positive birth experience is scientifically proven to be higher when investing in a doula, and we know that the impact of your birth experience is a ripple effect to our partners, our children, and the women around us. Having a positive birth impacts positively on your postpartum journey, lowering your chances of postpartum depression and anxiety, improves your long term pelvic floor health and of course, your breastfeeding journey.

Considering

a

doula for your

journey? Most doulas will offer an obligation free connect call or meet and greet. It’s as easy as reaching out!

www.themoderndoula.co

The Modern Doula - Alice Worthy Helping modern mamas get exactly what they want in birth & beyond, without the woo-woo! Instagram @themodern.doula | email hello@themoderndoula.co | https://www.themoderndoula.co

Is your sleep as good as it should be?

For over a decade, Pacific Sleep has been your local provider for sleep health solutions on the Central Coast. Proudly independent, we offer ongoing care and support with all major brands of sleep equipment. We won’t sleep until you get the sleep you deserve!

Contact Pacific Sleep today for:

• Home sleep testing

• CPAP trials and rental

• CPAP or BiPAP equipment and support

• Home oxygen therapy solutions, including AIRVO ™

Conveniently located at North Gosford Private Hospital Specialist Centre and at the heart of Toukley shopping district.

How to foster HEALTHY COMMUNICATION with our children

BY CATHY SPOONER

Building strong communication between you and your child now is one of the most important things you can do to foster an honest and strong relationship as they go through adolescence and into adulthood. Many parents find themselves struggling to communicate and connect with their children for many reasons; one of which is that we haven’t learnt this skillset ourselves.

I don’t know about you all, but I’m an eighties baby (showing my age here!) We grew up in a very different time for many reasons. One difference I’m noticing as we raise our own children, is emotional awareness and communication skills were not ingrained in me as a child.

It’s no fault to our parents, we have awareness and access to so much information now that it enables us to explore these avenues and educate ourselves as parents. I’m also a firm believer that all parents, us included,

do the best with the tools we have. But if I look at my childhood, and perhaps much like yours, there were some key themes I remember.

Feelings were often brushed off so children would be stronger and resilient. There was a clear hierarchy, parents above children and a belief that our parents never thought, felt, experienced anything that we did. There was less honesty and transparency which didn’t foster openness and connection between parent and child.

Attempting to raise our children in this ever increasingly challenging world makes me want to tighten our bonds and bring us closer together

Raising children now feels hard, I’m hyper aware of how fast they grow up and how I’m on the cusp of the teenage

years and slowly letting them go. I’m often reflecting on what is important – and communication with our kids always seem to be right up there on my list.

I want our children to know we also made mistakes. We have failed. We have broken the rules. We have felt lost and confused and regretful at times. This transparency allows them to see us as human and be likely to confide in us and come to us when they need to.

I want them to know that no matter what, all feelings are valid and important. We may have been raised in homes where children were seen and not heard. Big emotions weren’t tolerated as much and if we did, we may have been told to toughen up. Perhaps especially the boys. When our kids get overwhelmed and have emotional outbursts, we can feel triggered by that. We can play out a similar story to what we experienced, and we can feel emotionally overwhelmed ourselves because that little girl or boy within also still hasn’t been heard for all of their big feelings. This is why we often long for connection and trust with our children and at the same time, aren’t always sure how to foster this without having had a strong example ourselves.

My wish for our children is that they understand what clear and healthy communication looks like. I hope they know that no matter how big the problem is, no matter how much they think they might have messed up, that

they know they can come to us, anytime. During every conversation with my kids I am so mindful of the language I use and how I conduct myself, I speak to them as they are a whole being. I genuinely don’t believe in the parental hierarchy system, I believe they are their own incredible little beings, separate to us and our stories and expectations. Having equal respect in a parent/child relationship is key to fostering healthy communication.

Here are some foundational approaches to building trust and creating a safe space for communication between you and your child:

Encourage two–way communication: Communication by definition is a two–way street. Allow them to express themselves freely while actively listening to what they say. You will build trust with them in this process.

Model healthy communication: Children will learn from their environment, so lead by example and show them, whether that is with your partner, friends, the children, and their siblings, they will be watching and absorbing all of it.

Create a safe environment to share: Ensure you limit your reactions, judgements and watch the language and tone when you respond. If they share something and don’t feel safe

in that they may shut off and not feel comfortable to do so again.

Normalise feelings: Don’t shut down their feelings, even when it feels triggering and inconvenient. The storm passes sooner when we allow them to feel. Say things like “I can see you’re feeling… or I am right here for you”.

Carve out quality time: We often don’t feel like sharing and expressing ourselves when it’s rushed and disconnected. Create quiet, intentional space to ask your children how they are and let them lead the conversation.

Start this pathway of open communication as early as you can, build trust, normalise your own feelings and model to them how to express feelings and boundaries to others.

One thing I know for sure, is that the world our children are growing up in is doing everything in its power to disconnect us from the important relationships we have. This can feel overwhelming at times, but we can make small changes in our approach, the language we use and shifting our perspective from the outdated version we were raised under to one that is focused on transparency, creating a supportive environment, and building meaningful connections with our children.

Cathy Spooner is a Women’s Counsellor, Motherhood and Self-Embodiment Coach, Author and mother to three children. Cathy supports mothers as they navigate this beautiful madness of motherhood. She offers individual and group immersions. Her book Conscious Motherhood is available online where all good books are sold. For more info visit @cathyspooner_ or www.cathyspooner.com.au

Leading

practice, Cancer

&

02

KATE PERKINS Founder & leading Cancer Rehab Occupational Therapist (OT) & Lymphoedema Therapist TM

Matters oflife & love

BY SARAH TOLMIE

DearlyBeloved

I am so pleased to receive your question because this is such a real thing. This is a topic I encounter a lot in my couple therapy sessions.

Yes, there are some partners who find themselves in unfair, asymmetrical and unsupported domestic arrangements. Yes, there are some very entitled and grandiose offenders out there who believe that going to ‘work’ earns them the right to clock off once at home and be taken care of – much like an ‘extra child’. Every now and then I see a spouse in legitimate despair, outrage and defeat at the lack of teamwork on the home and child front and struggling in a disempowered and unfair ‘partnership’.

When a partner ignores or denies or defends this position and forms a rigid belief system of superiority (and let’s face it, it comes with a range of benefits to them), it’s a lose/lose mindset for the relationship and perhaps ultimately for the family. When this happens, it pretty much heralds the doom of the relationship – not just creating resentment, but seriously corroding respect, care, tenderness, trust and commitment.

Whilst intentional and deliberate manipulation and exercises in power do exist, what is far more common is the slow, slippery slope drifting into criticism and resentment. Most ‘motherload’ conflicts arise because of communication failure, a lack of empathy and being careless with the relational wellbeing. It is a failure of mindset.

On one level, the ‘motherload’ conflicts speak to a value, recognition and appreciation problem. If only the work of childcare and house care was appropriately recognised and valued – honoured even – then much of the resentment dissolves. Imagine if you were paid for the hours and ‘mental loading’ worked by you? Imagine if you had to pay someone else to do it? Hmmm.

And now imagine the effect genuine appreciation, acknowledgement,

READER QUESTION:

“My mothers group friends all talk about the ‘motherload’. Most of us are not first–time mums, we have a few kids each, and manage schools, daycare and all the childcare and house business. We can end up ‘whining’ a lot about our partners lack of support and it is rubbing off. I am feeling disgruntled when I compare all that I do and hold in my head and then I see all that he isn’t doing. How do I stop the slide into feeling resentful?”

admiration, affection, recognition and respect could have?

I also hear the crush and despair of the other partner. I hear the fatigue and stress of work and earning responsibilities; and the isolation and separation from the family unit it can produce. There is also often a lack of a soft place to come home to and the withdrawal of affections; and a lack of tenderness, appreciation and respect.

And so let me repeat and reflect back, imagine the effect genuine appreciation, acknowledgement, admiration, affection, recognition and respect could have?

Comparing and keeping tally produces the conflict postures of ‘criticism and defence’. It is a pointless endeavour when you realise you are in an apples vs oranges debate. Rather, understand that a tonne of feathers weighs the same as a tonne of concrete.

The very nature of conflict is pitting one against the other. The antidote to conflict is managing differences.

The first key to stopping the slide into resentment is to talk about the resentment and other feelings, not in a blameful way, but inviting each other in to understand and care about the ‘inner experience’ you are having. It requires cultivating empathy and respect and building a culture of appreciation for each other. This takes high skill. The Gottman Relationship Care Model is very good for facilitating this kind of skills development.

But more than skill, I believe this asks you both to take an elevated viewpoint and see the relational “whole system”. I love that in your question you referred to ‘house business’ because yes, children and a house are a shared creation and legacy. A domestic and parenting couple

are in a lifelong ‘joint investment’ above and beyond a job or your separate roles or responsibilities. This is the business of ‘life & love”.

A loud complaint of the ‘motherload’ resentment is that you can’t ‘clock off’. It is 24/7, ubiquitous and you don’t get a break. Rather than taking a break from home and parenting, what is needed is that both parties adopt a 24/7 mindset. When you think of your life and love together holistically, as a living ecosystem – where all the parts depend on and support each other’s wellbeing – that whole systems thinking will help build a robust and thriving partnership.

The most important factor for its success will be the quality of your relationship. Relational wellbeing should therefore become your No. 1 priority. Everything in the system depends on both of you being motivated, rewarded and working as a team for a united purpose.

When a couple place relational wellbeing as their No. 1 priority and develop healthy skills and caretaking practices to manage conflict and increase love and appreciation, the motherload problem dissolves.

Next time a ‘motherload’ partner beat up with your mum mates presents itself – take pause – and excuse yourself from the conversation. Criticism and defensiveness create resentment and hurt, and your relationship will suffer. The relationship ‘ecosystem’ will become toxic. Instead, start a different conversation with your partner. Find a path towards a more empowering mindset that finds solutions so you can all thrive in life & love.

Much love

Sarah x

Sarah Tolmie – Life & Love: Sarah is a marriage therapist, life & love and relationship coach, end–of–life consultant, an independent and bespoke funeral director and holistic celebrant. She provides holistic care, mentoring, guidance, healing and transformation for individuals, couples and families at their most important times of life & love – at end–of–life, in love & relationship, and in ritual and celebration. Sarah has a relationship online course for couples called “Creating a Miracle Marriage”; a wellbeing course, called “How do you feel?”; and a free resource and video series for families facing dying, death and grief called “Landscapes of Life & Love and Loss”.

To find out more, visit www.sarahtolmie.com.au and www.lifeandlove.teachable.com

HOMEWORK WARS: is your child struggling?

How would you feel if your child was facing silent challenges and you didn’t know how to help them?

BY DR NICHOLAS ALTUNEG, BEHAVIOURAL OPTOMETRIST

Picture this scenario: your child is at the kitchen table, attempting to complete their homework. However, instead of smoothly progressing through their tasks, they fidget, move closer to the page, constantly rub their eyes, squint at the page, or express frustration without articulating the cause. These subtle cues might be mistaken for tiredness or lack of interest, but they could actually be signs of an underlying vision issue. As parents, it’s crucial to recognise these quiet struggles and consider whether they indicate a need for a closer look at our child’s vision health.

Undiagnosed vision issues can significantly impact a child’s academic performance. Let’s explore how a Behavioural Eye Examination can be the first step in unlocking your child’s learning potential.

UNDERSTANDING VISION AND LEARNING

Vision–related learning issues encompass a range of visual conditions that affect how individuals perceive and process visual information. These issues are not related to the structure of the eyes but rather to how they function. From difficulties in eye coordination to challenges in visual processing skills, these issues can manifest in various ways and significantly impact a child’s ability to learn effectively.

COMMON TYPES OF VISION ISSUES THAT AFFECT LEARNING

Several types of vision–related learning issues can affect children, each with its own set of symptoms and challenges. Eye coordination problems, focusing difficulties, and oculomotor dysfunction can all disrupt a child’s reading fluency, writing ability, attention span, and overall academic performance. Identifying these issues through a Behavioural Eye

Examination is crucial in providing the necessary support and interventions to address them effectively.

IMPACT OF VISION ISSUES ON LEARNING

The impact of vision issues on learning can be profound. Children with undiagnosed vision problems may experience difficulties in reading, writing, comprehension, attention, and concentration. These challenges can lead to frustration, low self–esteem, and a reluctance to engage in academic tasks. By addressing vision issues early, we can help children overcome these obstacles and thrive in their learning journey.

RECOGNISING SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS

Recognising the signs and symptoms of vision–related learning issues is essential for early intervention. From eye strain and blurred vision to poor concentration and slow reading speed, these indicators can signal underlying vision problems that may be affecting your child’s academic performance. Consulting with an optometrist specialising in behavioural optometry is crucial in obtaining an accurate diagnosis and developing a tailored treatment plan.

Keep an eye out for these tell–tale signs that may indicate your child is struggling with their homework:

ƒ Resistance and avoidance: One of the most common signs of homework struggles is resistance or avoidance. Your child may procrastinate starting their homework, complain about having too much to do, or find excuses to delay completing assignments. They might express frustration or anxiety about homework time and attempt to negotiate or bargain to avoid it altogether.

ƒ Frequent frustration and emotional outbursts: Children who struggle with homework may exhibit signs of frustration, irritability, or emotional outbursts when faced with challenging tasks. They may become overwhelmed by the workload, feel defeated by their perceived inability to complete assignments or experience anxiety about academic expectations.

ƒ Poor performance: If your child’s grades are slipping or they consistently receive feedback from teachers about incomplete or poorly done assignments, it could indicate homework difficulties. Despite putting in effort, they may still struggle to grasp concepts or demonstrate understanding, leading to lower academic performance.

ƒ Physical symptoms: Homework–related stress can manifest physically in children. You may notice symptoms such as headaches, stomach–aches, or difficulty sleeping, especially on evenings before big assignments are due or tests are scheduled. These physical complaints may be a result of underlying stress and anxiety related to homework struggles.

ƒ Avoidance of school–related activities: Children who are struggling with homework may

start to avoid school–related activities altogether. They may express reluctance to attend school, participate in extracurricular activities, or engage in academic discussions. This avoidance behaviour can stem from feelings of inadequacy, fear of failure, or a desire to escape from perceived academic pressure.

By recognising these symptoms early on, parents can take proactive steps to address their child’s homework struggles and provide the necessary support and resources to help them succeed academically.

From eye strain and blurred vision to poor concentration and slow reading speed, these indicators can signal underlying vision problems that may be affecting your child’s academic performance

THE ROLE OF BEHAVIOURAL OPTOMETRISTS IN DIAGNOSIS AND TREATMENT

Behavioural optometrists play a

and interventions, they can identify underlying vision problems and provide targeted therapies to address them. Therapeutic use of training lenses, vision therapy and/ or rehabilitation techniques, can help children improve their visual capabilities and overcome their learning challenges.

SUPPORTING LEARNING THROUGH COLLABORATION

Collaboration between educators, behavioural optometrists, and other specialists is key in supporting children with vision–related learning issues. By working together, we can develop comprehensive strategies and interventions that address each child’s specific needs. From implementing accommodations in the classroom to providing specialised therapies, this

collaborative approach ensures that children receive the support they need to succeed academically.

UNLOCK YOUR CHILD’S LEARNING POTENTIAL

Don’t let vision issues prevent your child from reaching their full potential. Schedule an eye exam with a behavioural optometrist if you have any concerns with your child’s learning. The results could help your child see the world more clearly and thrive in their academic endeavours.

This article is intended to promote understanding of and knowledge about general eye health topics. It should not be used as a substitute for professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your health care professional prior to incorporating this as part of your health regimen.

Dr Nicholas Altuneg is a Behavioural Optometrist who has been working on the Central Coast for almost 30 years. He is the co-founder at Eyes by Design, which is in the Kincumber Centre. Appointments can be made by phone 4369 8169 or online at www.eyesbydesign.com.au

The power of forgiveness

BY SELINA CHAPMAN, PSYCHOLOGIST

Why should we forgive?

There are many idioms, mantras, moral and ethical obligations society teaches us about forgiving others. However, how do we actually do it? What do we do if we need to forgive ourselves, or move on from complicated events from our past?

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.” –Catherine Ponder

There is no quick fix, however there are ways to navigate the painful and complex burden of resentment we can carry around. Talking to your friends and family can help, as can seeking professional support. It is also

important to consider what is meant by forgiveness? In a psychological sense, forgiveness is not about forgiving and forgetting.

According to Enright and Fitzgibbons who have pioneered Forgiveness Therapy, there are four stages of forgiveness.

FIRST STAGE: UNCOVERING

This is about acknowledging what we are carrying around every day and how it is affecting us and impairing our quality of life. It can be confronting to address our role in what has happened, be it directly or indirectly.

SECOND STAGE: DECISION

What is forgiveness really?

Forgiveness is about recognising our rationality around an event where we feel we have been unfairly treated or wronged in some way. This can affect our bodies where we can carry our stressors. Our guts may clench and

cause nausea. Our muscles can tense, and our breathing pattern may change. Our mind tries to rationalise and understand what happened and may ask, “Why me”?

As important as it is to know what forgiveness is, it is integral to understand what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is not about forgetting or dismissing what happened, letting time pass by without working on it, or thinking it can be resolved quickly. It is not about revenge, justifying actions (ours or theirs) or ignoring our emotions and the significant impact it has on our lives.

THIRD STAGE: WORK

Forgiveness is going to be hard work, and very rewarding when we can reach that point in our lives. It starts by understanding what happened, then making meaningful change. This will usually require additional support, self–compassion, and practice.

THIS SCHOOL your destination for kids HOLIDAYs

When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free – Catherine Ponder

FOURTH STAGE: DEEPENING

What can forgiveness do for me?

If we harbour the idea of revenge and resentment, we carry around a lot of negative emotions. This emotional baggage gets stored and compartmentalised, getting heavier every day. Forgiveness is about unpacking and being able to let go of that burden. Releasing it altogether and

not passing it on. Forgiveness is about us, and our own mental good health and wellbeing. How much lighter could we feel without burdens weighing us down?

One activity we can try to help with letting go of some of our emotional baggage is to visualise actual luggage.

Imagine you are driving a bus. This is your bus. It can be new or old, large, or small. Does it have a bend in the middle or maybe top floor? What colour is it? Imagine you are sitting in the driver’s seat. You can feel the soft cushion underneath you, feel the oversized steering wheel in your hands. You can see out the expansive front windscreen at the road ahead, and without turning your head you can see the passengers on your bus in the rear-view mirror.

Continue looking in the rear–view mirror, who can you see? You might see current family and friends, and some old ones too. Each of them will have a bag with them, maybe a suitcase, perhaps a

duffle bag. You might even see some bags without an owner, or people on your bus that you don’t want there anymore.

The bus is a metaphor for your current world. Your bus is yours and you have the power to make the rules. If you want people off your bus, then they must leave.

We drive up to and stop at a bus-stop. What does it look like? Are there signs or a shelter? What might the weather be like? You stop at the bus-stop and using the lever, you open the doors. You watch the people who you have chosen to leave, walk off the bus and stand at the busstop. They have their bags. There are also the unattended bags next to them on the side of the road. We close the door and drive away. As we leave them behind, they become smaller and smaller until you focus on the road ahead and they are too far away to be seen. You can do this as often as you need.

“Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde

Selina Chapman, a psychologist at The Heart and Mind Collective in Wyoming, works with individuals of all ages seeking empowerment and support. Selina says, “Seeking support for mental health is about maintaining emotional and mental wellbeing as well as having extra help as and when we need it”.

FAIL–SAFE Family Food Tips and Tricks

BY CARIN CLEGG, ACCREDITED PRACTISING DIETITIAN

As a dietitian who works in the field of food chemical sensitivities and now having a five year old, navigating the world of preservatives and natural chemicals has been another challenge indeed. I wanted to share my experience to help others.

Whilst pregnant with my little one, I noticed he became more active or got the hiccups when I ate more spices and tomato–based foods. When he came out, from day dot, the hospital food offered was not something I could possibly stomach after a major physical trauma like childbirth. Spicy, rich tomato and who knows what preservatives were in it. When asked about my dietary preferences in my no sleep, post birth haze, all I could think of was no pepper, which was of course ignored.

I knew I would likely have trouble breastfeeding if I did not have some home–cooked meals brought in. So, I was prepared. Bub gave me just enough time – from officially starting maternity leave to sending me the signals he was coming that night – to cook 2 lasagnes for freezing (one bland for me and one tasty for my husband) and chicken schnitzel with veggies for dinner and for leftovers. I had my packed snacks and did eat some hospital food, mostly sandwiches and breakfast options.

I stayed in hospital for the minimum 2 days before being able to get back to my home–cooked food and have nursing support for successful breastfeeding. I did have a little trouble breastfeeding at first, but who does not, particularly with the first child. It is all a big learning curve and it sometimes hurts!

At five months old, bub got sick for a few weeks and was challenged with super strong flavours in medications, a time, when his system was more sensitive. A bit of a mistake, but hindsight is a great thing. We gave him flavoured medication which disrupted his sleep. It took 1 week to cause the

sleep disturbance due to the build–up effect and another week off the high flavours to allow his sleep to settle again. A bit of a mistake, but hindsight is a great thing.

Over time I learnt to tell if he had eaten too much of those tomato, citrus, spicy, or flavoured and additive rich foods as it affected his spit ups post feed, hiccups, sleep, including bed wetting, bowels, big emotions, hyperactivity and poor concentration.

Being a good cook, I have a lot of tricks I use. I made a lot of pumpkin–based meals like pasta salad, risotto, pumpkin soup, and even used pumpkin soup as a stock in casseroles. For some reason he still does not like pumpkin, but we keep trying. I make tomato sauce with beetroot and various veggies and freeze some jars for later where we would use for spaghetti bolognese, dinosaur pasta sauce, pizza sauce, stock, or just as sauce on the plate. Homemade hummus is also a winner.

When out and about, even on holiday, we plan our meals and snacks and take packed lunches. On hot beach days we take homemade ice blocks, frozen or fresh fruit and iced water. We eat before we go out sometimes and often take our own food when visiting friends and family, for all to share.

Managing celebrations is tricky. Because symptoms are mild, I find myself not saying ‘no’ as much as I would like. Consequently, we just deal with the results which are not severe because I control the food most of the time, which includes specifying what foods to bring by family and guests, including as gifts.

The evidence does show that most younger children react to additives so giving feedback to kid’s party venues and talking to parents is something that I do. Encouraging fresh, healthy, and less processed foods, which will likely have less preservatives is often well received. Kids have small attention spans at parties and do not need a huge banquet of foods offered. A fruit and veggie platter, with cheese or dip and crackers or popcorn would keep them happy. And traditionally have the birthday cake for the special treat.

It is difficult, and even exhausting to have control over what is in all the foods offered by everyone, all the time, and keep up with juggling work and everything else in life. Having lots of tricks up your sleeves definitely helps. My hat goes off to families with more acutely food sensitive individuals. It really is a struggle and painful at times, but having the whole family feeling happy and healthy is so valuable, the persistence is worth it!

Carin Clegg is the Director of Bright Diets and is a Paediatric Dietitian and Fitness Professional with an interest in environmental sustainability. Carin wants everyone to be clever about their eating to feel happy, healthy and vibrant! Contact Carin on 0407 492 278 or via www.brightdiets.com.au

WEATHERING THE STORM:

Maintaining emotional and mental fitness in times of stress

BY THE TEAM AT HEART AND MIND COLLECTIVE

During the current cost–of–living stress, mortgage crisis, issues with finding accommodation, and affordable healthcare, despite our individual circumstances, we can all relate to the impact it has on ourselves and our families. Here are some practical ways to alleviate burden.

Our community is one to be celebrated and we are all here to support each other. Prioritising our social–emotional–wellbeing maintains our resilience and capabilities to ride out these challenging times.

For a list of practical and free mental health resources, please visit our website. Selina Chapman – Psychologist

INVEST IN RELATIONSHIPS

I want to share a beautiful reminder that even in difficult times, our relationships can sustain us, and love, and connections are cost–free.

“When all things are cancelled, LOVE is not cancelled” – Charley Mackesy, “The boy, the mole, the fox and the horse”.

Denying children’s ‘pester–power’ is tough, however engaging in activities WITH our children instead of seeking paid activities strengthens our bond with them. It’s always their attachment to us that matters most, and time spent with family creates beautiful priceless long–lasting memories.

Writing a heartfelt letter to a friend, making that overdue phone call, cooking, spending time over a meal, or going on walks are all wonderful ways to connect without spending much money. It is within these connections that we also create a community where we can share resources and support each other.

For more ideas see raisingchildren. net.au/school-age/connectingcommunicating/connecting/enjoying-time Lindie Nell – Co–Director of The Heart and Mind Collective and Accredited mental health social worker

THE POWER OF PLAY

When a system is under pressure, it can create a dynamic much like a ship at sea, springing leaks and taking on water. Family members rise to respond, plugging the immediate holes, our mental wellbeing can be on edge, and play seems counter intuitive when things are serious and difficult.

Play is in fact serious business, not only for children but for an entire family’s wellbeing when we

Prioritising our social–emotional–wellbeing maintains our resilience and capabilities to ride out these challenging times

feel stressed and is one way to add “buoyancy” or resilience back into the system.

In moving, playing, and having simultaneous experiences in the world together the child and carer’s neurobiology becomes in–sync, reducing stress, regulating breathing and heart rate, increasing feelings of connectedness, and improving emotional wellbeing for both.

Play can look different for different families, for example spending 15 minutes in a back and forth role play, immersive play building forts and sandcastles at the beach, or perhaps

connecting with each other and with the community at a Park Run (all free).

Children are wonderful at continuing to invite adults to play, and it may be in accepting the invitation to play that you can notice how even a short amount of play can boost both the mood and ability to tolerate stress in your family system.

Veronica McKibbin – Child and Family Therapist / Counsellor

IT’S IN THE LITTLE THINGS

ƒ Financial planning – take control of your finances by creating a budget, prioritizing expenses, and exploring ways to increase income or reduce costs. Financial literacy resources and financial counselling may be available in your community or online.

ƒ Stay connected – keep in touch with friends and family for emotional support, and sharing concerns and experiences can provide relief and perspective.

Ash and Amelia – Administration Team.

RIDING OUT A WORRY STORM

It’s never been more important to find ways to look after our emotional and mental wellbeing than now. When we push away from uncomfortable worries and anxious thoughts, the more we struggle, and the more these thoughts and feelings can grow and take hold.

“Dropping anchor” is an effective, simple, and quick technique from Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) that many people find helpful when feeling overwhelmed.

We’re

keep in touch with friends and family for emotional support, and sharing concerns and experiences can provide relief and perspective

Imagine your worries are like an emotional storm and you are a boat that has just made it into harbour. This technique helps you drop your anchor so you can ride out the storm.

STEP ONE

Take a moment, acknowledge any difficult thoughts or feelings and put what you notice into words “Here’s anger”, “I’m noticing worry”.

Important! Don’t try to change your thoughts or feelings. They are just there.

STEP TWO

Focus on your body. Move in some way, stretch, change your posture or your breathing, push your feet into the floor. Notice your worry and stress is contained by your body. You can control your body.

STEP THREE

Observe where you are, what you are doing and what you can see, hear, touch, smell, and taste. Describe what you notice to yourself. You can be present in the room even with these difficult thoughts and feelings.

Repeat these steps 2–3 times. It can

9435 or

take a few rounds to come back into the present moment. Are there any difference? Are you less stuck to your worries?

Please be kind to yourself in life, there are no wrong thoughts or feelings.

For more information see www.actmindfully.com

Chris Denne – Mental Health Social Worker

RADICALself–care for mothers

BY ALITA BLANCHARD, PARENT COACH

I know the idea of putting yourself first and making time to care for your needs brings up big feelings. You may read the term “self–care” and scoff “yeah right…how can I possibly fit that in” or what I often hear is “it just feels like another thing to add to the list”.

And yet I want to challenge you on these thought patterns and stories because the idea that self–care isn’t important or that it’s only available to mothers who have help/support/money, leads to mothers who are chronically exhausted, depleted, short tempered and, often, mother burnout.

Radical self–care

Radical self–care is about taking responsibility of getting your own needs met first before you attempt to take care of others (or at least at the same time). This gives you more capacity to meet the mammoth daily tasks – physically and emotionally – in motherhood, relationships and your community.

Why we need self–care

Self–care helps to:

ƒ De–stress your body – lower your stress hormones

ƒ Help ease anxiety

ƒ Improve your concentration

ƒ Build your self–awareness muscle

ƒ Improve problem solving skills

ƒ Strengthen your relationships

ƒ Models self–care to your children so they know how to do it for themselves – this alone should be reason enough to start now.

Have a self–compassion practice

We all make mistakes and do things we regret. Self compassion is a powerful antidote to guilt and shame. Acknowledge that you are suffering. Practice feeling it in your body. Put your hand on your heart, breathe and say “I am enough”. Repeat. And find a short Loving Kindness meditation (Insight Timer or YouTube).

Honour your menstrual cycle

We have been conditioned through marketing to believe we should keep going even though we are on our monthly cycle/period. Women’s wellness wisdom knows that our monthly cycle is an opportunity to rest and go within. While we are not able to cancel everything, do give yourself permission to slow down and rest on the 2–3 heavy days of your bleed. Ask someone to take the kids after school. Practice asking for help.

Find someone to speak your truth to: Practice being vulnerable

ƒ I am a big advocate for psychologists/

therapists when budget allows. Get a mental health plan from your doctor if you are feeling anxious, consistent rage or depressed. There is no shame in seeking mental wellness

ƒ Listening time – find a friend that is willing to hold space with no judgment, no advice and confidentiality

ƒ Women’s circles – a space to speak truth, be heard, be witnessed and to feel healing. (I hold Mama Circles on the Central Coast – search Alita Blanchard and you’ll find me).

Radical self–care is about taking responsibility of getting your own needs met first before you attempt to take care of others (or at least at the same time)

Dance and play

As adults we can easily take life too seriously. And yet the greatest healing for both children and adults alike comes from play and joy and movement.

Make a playlist on Spotify. Dance

with your kids. Dance alone. Play silly games. Charades. Chase. Challenges. Rumbling. Competitions. If you have to, fake it till you make it. Many adults feel shame come up when they play. Many of us as children were told to “stop being silly”. And so we did. Shame built. heal that wound. be silly.

Gratitude and affirmations

Do it for yourself and model it to your children. I do this a few times a week in the car on the way to school. The boys sometimes ignore me but I know it’s accessing their subconscious. And after a tough morning, it can really bring me back to some calm.

“I am grateful for…..”

“I am – present/calm/unique/resilient/ determined /loving /kind/brave….”

Find some time for creativity just for fun

Paint. Garden. Bake. Colour. Draw. Sing. Write. Journal. Make mandalas in the sand. Try a local class, book it and actually go.

Hot drink and hold it in two hands

Make your favourite hot drink and sit outside in the sunshine or under a tree, no book, no phone, just soak in the present moment.

And finally – give yourself grace

We all mess up. We all hit our edges and do or say something we regret with our child. Shame or blame perhaps. Yell and rage. Punish. Whatever is a part of your own childhood, will often come up in your own parenting when your

As adults we can easily take life too seriously. And yet the greatest healing for both children and adults alike comes from play and joy and movement

cup has not been filled. Use these moments to:

ƒ Practice self forgiveness – you are human. We are messy. We all carry wounds.

ƒ Reconnect and repair – if you yelled, raged, shamed etc, take some time out to breathe and calm your nervous system. Then reconnect with your child. “I’m sorry. Please forgive me. I wasn’t caring for myself well and I lost my temper. Can we start again? I love you.”

ƒ Use this moment – as a reminder to give yourself radical self–care. What are your unmet needs? What do you need in this moment? How can you do that?

Alita Blanchard – The Aware Mama Based on the NSW Central Coast, Alita is a mother of 4 boys and is a trauma informed Parent Coach, Rites of Passage facilitator, Holistic Counseller (training) and Somatic Emotional Release practitioner. She provides online parenting support and education 1:1, group programs and occasional in person events in NSW.

Major Changes to the Family Law System – A

Comprehensive Guide

Australian families are about to face some significant shifts in family law that could impact how parents approach their responsibilities and parenting arrangements. The upcoming changes, set to be implemented with the Family Law Amendment Act 2023, aim to reshape the framework surrounding parental responsibilities.

For many parents, understanding these changes is crucial, especially if you have an ongoing parenting matter in court or if you’re in the process of determining the best arrangements for your child.

Georgia Spencer and Sheree Orbell, Solicitors at Orbell Family Lawyers (located in Erina) provide an overview of

BY GEORGIA SPENCER & SHEREE ORBELL, SOLICITORS

the major changes set to come into place on 6 May 2024.

The upcoming amendments aim to prioritise the “best interests of the child”, ushering in a new framework for long-term decision–making for children of separated parents. Effective from 6 May 2024, these changes mark a significant departure from existing practices and will impact both new and ongoing cases, except for those already finalised before this date.

This article is designed to serve as a guide, providing you with a clear understanding of the implications of these new laws, their application, and their significance for you.

PUTTING KIDS FIRST – BEST INTERESTS OF THE CHILD

The heart of the reform lies in prioritising the best interests of the child. Although this has been a focus of the family law system for some

time, the reform aims to streamline the current list of fifteen factors to be considered. The reform will simplify this list to instead consider six factors. These include:

ƒ the safety of the child and people who care for the child (including consideration of any history of family violence and family violence orders);

ƒ the child’s views;

ƒ the developmental, psychological, emotional and cultural needs of the child (including any kinships and how these tie into the best interests of the child);

ƒ the capacity of each person who will be responsible for the child to provide for the child’s developmental, psychological, emotional and cultural needs;

ƒ the benefit to the child of having a relationship with their parents, and other people who are significant to them (e.g. grandparents, siblings, step-parents), and

10 & Saturday 11 May

ƒ anything else that is relevant to the particular circumstances of the child.

SCRAPPING THE PROBLEMATIC ‘SHARED PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY’

For many years, there has been a presumption of “shared parental responsibility,” where both parents are required to jointly decide on their child’s long–term welfare and health, including areas like healthcare, education, and religion. Unfortunately, this has led to confusion, with many parents (and even some practitioners) mistakenly assuming that ‘equal shared parental responsibility’ means ‘equal shared care’ or ‘equal time’.

Come May 2024, this will change, as the presumption will no longer apply. Once the reform comes into effect, parents will be encouraged to talk about things like the child’s long-term care, welfare, and development; however, where it is not appropriate to do so, there is no legal requirement binding you to consult with the other parent in this regard (unless there are court orders in place telling you otherwise).

The reform seeks to reduce tension between co–parents moving forward, which, ultimately, will be in the best interests of the child.

CHANGING FINAL PARENTING ORDERS

From May 2024, the Court will only consider requests to change existing parenting orders if there has been a “significant change in circumstances” since the orders were made.

What this means for parents with existing orders in place is that if you wish to have these orders changed, you must show the court:

ƒ there has been a significant change of circumstances; and

ƒ that it is no longer in the best interests of the child for the current

Orders to remain in place.

The central focus remains on safeguarding the child’s wellbeing without unnecessary legal complexities and ensuring the child’s best interests are being met.

WILL THE NEW LAWS AFFECT EXISTING PARENTING ORDERS?

The short answer is no. If you and your former partner already have existing parenting Orders in place, you are still required to comply with these Orders.

Liability limited by a scheme approved under Professional Standards Legislation. The information contained in this article is provided for information purposes only and should not be construed as legal advice.

If you would like further information regarding this article or your family law matter in general, please contact us.

Mention this article when you call to receive a free 15–minute discovery call with one of our experienced family law solicitors.

Phone: (02) 4314 6080 orbellfamilylawyers.com.au | info@orbellfamilylawyers.com.au

RETURNING TO EXERCISE OR MOVEMENT AFTER A CAESAREAN SECTION

BY LOUISE HURLEY, MumSafe TM TRAINER OF THE

YEAR 2022

As I look down at my own caesarean scar, I still can’t quite get my head around the enormity of what this procedure is. I was awake and aware of what was going on, I remember most of it, and yet I can’t quite believe that seven layers of tissue were cut through, including an internal organ, to birth my baby and were then sutured back together.

I have experienced one vaginal birth and one caesarean birth and I personally feel that the caesarean birth was by far the toughest to recover from (all births and women are unique remember, this is simply my experience). The main reason I chose to work with mums in the world of fitness is because after my caesarean section I was given very little information on how to start moving my body again. There were lots of things on the “do not do” list, like do not drive or do not pick up anything over 5kg, but no helpful information on what I actually could do which is what I want to share with you in this article.

As a fitness professional who helps mums safely return to exercise, my initial thought is “wow, that’s a lot of mums who have had major abdominal surgery and are likely to return to exercise or movement at some point”. Whether or not you plan to exercise after a caesarean section birth, chances are that you’ll engage in some sort of movement –walking, picking up your other children, getting in and out of bed, sitting down and standing up…you may not be in the gym but all of this is movement.

Below is my guide to returning to movement safely, looking after your scar and which healthcare professionals to have in your corner when it comes to caesarean section recovery.

When

There’s not one size fits all when it comes to moving your body again after having a caesarean section. Every woman, birth and situation is unique

but as a rough guide –ƒ Weeks 0–2 focus on breathing and expanding your rib cage. Reconnecting with your pelvic floor is also important at this stage. A caesarean birth does not eliminate the need for pelvic floor rehab – your baby has been adding a lot of pressure down onto those muscles for the past few months

ƒ Weeks 3–5 start to add in some mobility and deep core connection with glute bridges and four point kneeling positions like bird–dog (on the ground on hands and knees)

ƒ Weeks 6–8 add in body weight exercises like squats and lunges (if your pelvis is not painful) with some upper body (thoracic) rotations for mobility. The 6–8 week mark is a great time to see a women’s health physiotherapist

ƒ It’s always a good idea to allow your doctor to assess your stitches before increasing the intensity of your movements

ƒ If you want to return to the exercise you did pre–pregnancy my advice is to be patient with your body and remember that you’ll need to modify many movements and gradually build your strength and fitness back up over time. MumSafe™ trainers are experts in helping you do this!

Scar Tissue TLC

Many women feel disconnected with their body after birth, especially after a caesarean birth. Once the outside of the wound is healed you can reconnect with your body by touching and gently massaging your scar. For some women this can be extremely hard to do, but it’s an important part of healing physically and emotionally. The sensation of touch around the scar may be too much to handle at first so you could try using different materials, like a feather or a cotton–tip to desensitise the area and get used to the feeling of touch again.

The scar that you can see on the outside of your skin isn’t the only scar

WHEN AND HOW TO START

you’ll have from a caesarian birth. Internal scarring can cause tightness or a pulling through the fascia (a type of connective tissue that covers your muscles and organs) so abdominal massage can be hugely beneficial. Your women’s health physiotherapist will be able to show you how to massage the skin and tissue around your scar.

Healthcare professionals to have in your corner

After your six week follow up appointment with your healthcare provider it’s a good idea to find a women’s health physiotherapist who can help you with scar tissue massage/ mobility plus any musculoskeletal issues resulting from pregnancy and breast/ bottle feeding for hours on end.

A MumSafe™ trainer is a fitness professional who is qualified in helping mums safely return to exercise at any stage of motherhood. If you’d like to return to the exercise/movement you enjoyed pre–pregnancy or if you’d like to start something new your local MumSafe™ trainer will be able to help you.

Remember, there aren’t any hard set rules when it comes to moving your body after a caesarean section – every woman and birth are unique therefore every recovery is unique but there are some helpful guidelines to help you have a smooth recovery and get you feeling more like yourself again through exercise.

Louise Hurley, owner of Strong Mums and the Body Resilient Mum podcast is on a mission to help mums to return to exercise safely and realise that they are so much more than what their post–baby body looks like, at any stage of motherhood. Find out more at www.strongmums.com