We're Not in Kansas Anymore

WE‘RE NOT IN KANSAS ANYMORE

(A J E S U S C H R I S T, B O Y D E T E C T I V E M Y S T E R Y)

J. Bradley

Copyright Š 2012 by J. Bradley All Rights Reserved ISBN: 978-1-937739-07-2 Published by Deadly Chaps New York, NY 2012 DCs3JB|1| Cover & Book Design by Joseph A. W. Quintela http://www.deadlychaps.com

O

ne (1)

"We found this in the ruins." Chief Donaldson hands Timmy Hightower an evidence bag with a charred plastic baby, blackened blonde hair, blue eyes, its stomach blown open.

"Let me guess..."

"Yeah. Work fast. Your father's not a fan of this kind of thing."

T

wo (2)

Leopold Franz flips backwards. Three knives quiver in its trunk as Leopold lands on his feet.

"Are you ok, Leo?" Timmy sips on his kamikaze mix of soda in his bright yellow Taco Dog fire hydrant cup.

"No." Two more knives disappear from his vest, landing between the knives still quivering in the tree trunk.

T

hree (3)

The delivery driver rubbed his wrist before walking in Captain Power Play, leaving the package at the base of the Mappy-Land arcade cabinet.

F

our (4)

"What's the symbolism of Mappy-Land?" Timmy sits in front of his computer.

"Mappy...land?" The couch creaks as Leopold adjusts. "I'm..."

"You don't know do you? You normally give me shit for not knowing pop culture references."

"Did you just...curse?"

"Yeah. Shit."

F

ive (5)

"Peter, what's wrong?"

"These children...their energy...Timmy's bonds are loosening."

"What?"

"If Timmy awakes, he could finally take back his body and send your son back here."

"We can't have that. We're not ready."

S

ix (6)

The volume of Mappy's head prevents him from jumping any higher than one pica. He powers through his hydrocephalus to collect enough cheese to mack on the eventual love of his life.

S

even (7)

"In order for Mappy to progress through the game, he has to collect cheese, then wedding rings, then Christmas trees, and finally baseballs," Timmy rubs his chin.

"Why...blow up an arcade?"

"Most arcades now take tokens or swipe cards but Captain Power Play still uses quarters. And quarters are a result of paper money, which is also called...� "...cheese."

E

ight (8)

Rings, bracelets, watches, charms, glass flew throughout the building. One person was found wearing forever on his throat.

N

ine (9)

"The bodies keep coming too quick, sir. I can't keep up."

"Peter, do what you must. Enlist additional help if you have to.

Are the containment suits charged?

"Yes." "Then get more help."

T

en (10)

"What are you doing here?" The dove perches on the handle bar of Timmy Hightower's BMX bike.

"I need you to work faster."

"That's not the only reason why you're down here are you?"

"Since when do I need to explain myself."

E

leven (11)

"Damn it, Timmy, that's two buildings now blown up in two days." Chief Donaldson puffs his pipe angrily.

"We have two more chances to catch him."

"What are you talking about?"

Timmy throws the Mappy-Land cartridge on Chief Donaldson's desk. "Got a Nintendo?"

T

welve (12)

Once there was a boy who used Mappy-Land as the centerpiece of his fifth grade birthday party, but turned down the MappyLand music so everyone could better hear the New Kids On The Block album on repeat in the tape deck. It took another 15 years before that boy finally got his first kiss.

T

hirteen (13)

The delivery driver uppercuts and roundhouse kicks his shadow.

He takes the brown towel from a nearby chair, wipes the sweat off his face. "I'm almost there," he huffs. "I'm almost there."

F

ourteen (14)

"It's July. There's nothing Christmas related...in July."

"Yes, there's nothing Christmas related exactly, Leopold, but our bomber has a flexible interpretation." Timmy bites into the Ghost Face Killer taco, the snap of the dog and its ghost pepper filling souring his face.

"Hello, Timmy." A fist cracks against Leopold's jaw.

F

ifteen (15)

Timmy's eyes flutter. The rope chaffs against his wrist as he struggles to get free.

"Good to see you awake, Timmy." A man in a powder blue hat, polo shirt, and black shorts places a package on Timmy's lap. "I was afraid you would miss this."

"I have nothing to do with Christmas."

"Yes, you do." The man waves his left hand over his right wrist, revealing a bronze bracelet. "Long time, no see."

S

ixteen (16)

Leopold rubs his jaw, brings himself to his feet. A dove lands on the table next to him.

"Get yourself together, Leo," the dove coos. "We have a problem."

"Where's...where's Timmy?"

"Adam has him."

S

eventeen (17)

"This won't free her," Timmy yells.

"But I thought you wanted to go home."

"On my terms, not yours."

"He'll be too overwhelmed to notice, but I guess you've been too busy to follow how escalated things have become in Syria."

E

ighteen (18)

Leopold grips the steering wheel of his chrome blue El Camino when a black van pulls up next to him, opens the side door. He ignores the muzzle flash, the hail of bullets shattering the glass as he cuts into the black van's lane.

N

ineteen (19)

Mappy-Land didn't allow its police force to carry any weapons, which explained the police force's high attrition and low enrollment numbers in its academy.

T

wenty (20)

Leopold holds the knife to the gunman's throat. The driver gurgles.

"Where's...Timmy?"

A dove lands on the van's roof. "They won't tell you anything.

This is just a distraction. Get back on the road."

"Where's...Timmy?" The knife's edge presses into the gunman's throat.

T

wenty-one (21)

"Eve, where are you?"

A man emerges from behind the rocks, armor covered in blood.

"I'm..." An arrow punctures his throat.

T

wenty-two (22)

"I know she's up there somewhere, safe. I've got a man on the inside who will get what I need and we'll be together again."

Adam steps back, pulls out his cellphone. "I think ten minutes should be enough for me to get out of the building and away from the blast zone."

"He's going to find you."

"Your father or Leopold? I've taken care of them both."

T

wenty-three (23)

The bullet goes through the dove's chest, a knife goes into the gunman's hand.

"Leopold...finish it."

Leopold takes the dove's neck between his finger and thumb.

T

wenty-four (24)

"Peter." Peter looks over at the diver's suit clanging towards him.

"Timmy?"

"Who have you freed to help out with the volume that might have motive to help Adam get the containment unit holding Eve?"

T

wenty-five (25)

After all the baseballs are collected, Mappy-Land resets itself to where you collect cheese. Some theorists would say this reflects the cycle of death and rebirth. Other theorists would say Mappy got divorced and is wooing another lady using repetitive techniques. People with lives would say it's just a video game.

T

wenty-six (26)

Timmy closes his eyes, watches two early Twentieth Century diving suits fight.

T

wenty-seven (27)

"Enough," the air shouts. "What is Timmy doing awake, Peter?"

"He...found who was working with Adam...down there."

One of the diving suits spontaneously vaporizes, the other collapses.

"Take Timmy back to his room. It's time we finish this."

T

wenty-Eight (28)

The handle of a knife cracks against Adam's jaw. Leopold looks down at the cellphone, sees four minutes ticking down.

T

wenty-nine (29)

"Leopold won't get to him in four minutes. What will you do?"

"Peter...it's time to put all this extra energy to good use."

T

hirty (30)

The handle of a knife slams against the delivery driver's jaw, the driver collapsing in front of Captain Power Play. Leopold cuts the box open, diffuses the bomb.

"How..." the delivery driver mutters before passing out. Leopold waves his hand over the delivery driver's right wrist. Nothing appears. Leopold looks up.

"Where...is it?"

A

bout the Author

J. Bradley is the Web Editor of Monkeybicyle. Follow him at iheartfailure.net.