Atlanta A to Z
by David C. Muller
EPISODE THIRTY-TWO:
“H is for Holes” Once upon a time Luke went to a palm reader in Gwinnett County. The palm reader told him, “You must move to Atlanta, Luke, for you will find love there.”
Luke liked holes. He liked them hot, wet and tight. He himself kept his own hole smooth, soft, eager at the touch and, of course, well moisturized with a creamy lotion scented of cucumber and chamomile and labeled with a green title that said: “Jergens.” Like most of the homosexual men in Midtown, Luke pretended entry into his hole was exclusive; he didn’t just let anyone in like most gay people; at least that’s what he told guys he met at Burkhart’s, Oscars, Outwrite, Brushstrokes, the Eagle, the Heretic, Chapparal, Three Legged Cowboy, LA Fitness, Publix and at Taco Night at Tripp’s. Online, when trolling through the profiles on Manhunt, DudesNude, Adam4Adam and GayDar.com, Luke insisted he was “picky”, he said he was “top/versatile” and claimed he believed in “monogamy.” Luke told men he thought “sex is special” and that his ass was “precious” and, like most of the homosexual men in Midtown, Luke was willing, able and ready to bend over for the right guy even though he claimed he was “not an easy lay.” Luke knew it was crude and crass to be aware and cognizant of holes; it was downright disgusting! A hole is defined as an opening in a solid; that’s a very scientific definition of a hole. Other types of holes include manholes, glory holes, black holes and assholes. Hole is also the name of a small town in Norway and, in the military, they have fox holes and spider holes. Let’s not forget plot holes: plot holes sometimes appear in movies and in books; a recent examination of current trends in popular cinema indicate the existence of several plot holes in the Angelina Jolie movie “THE TOURIST” starring Johnny Depp. There are multiple plot holes in this series as well: there are a number of gaps and inconsistencies in the established logic and story surrounding our hapless hero, Luke, (remember 62 davidatlanta
the villain Mr. Pencil and Vesuvius St. Rene, that vampire who breezed into Atlanta in Halloween last year?). But, be that as it may, Luke was determined in this New Year to tighten up and fill all those pesky little holes, including his own. The recent snow and ice across Midtown Atlanta made Luke’s pursuit to fill these damned holes frigid and treacherous yet, as the mild temperatures returned to Atlanta, (at least for this week), Luke set out for the all-male, all-nude gay strip club located out on Northside Drive. Luke paid three dollars to park his car and five dollars cover to get in and then voila! Hot and sexy naked men danced before him, their bare arms and legs tangled around poles illuminated by shiny disco balls dangling from the ceiling. European pornography played on several flat screen TVs mounted to the walls; these films contained fraudulent subtitles: “Ah yes, your hole is hot and good.” “Umm, yum, yes. It is good to be fuck with you!” “Oh please, yes. Your cock is so big and hot.” “Your tight hole feels fine on my shafting rod!” Luke ordered a drink at the bar. The bar at Swinging Richards was fully stocked each night with only the best alcohol. They had a huge selection of wine, beer and shots and the hottest bartenders in Atlanta, just like their website claimed! Luke surveyed the bottles and rubbed his chin, did he want Crown Royal, Captain Morgan or Grey Goose? He was indecisive and, in the end, he ordered a shot of Jagermeister followed by a glass of Jose Cuervo and water.