Green Key (5.13.2013)

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Volume 33, Issue 4 May 13, 2013 The Hanover Review, Inc. P.O. Box 343 Hanover, NH 03755

Green Key: Past & Present

Featuring: The History of Green Key & Hums by Rago Spring Weekends Across America Lawn Party, Block Party & SAE Champagne Westerosi Fraternities & Sororities

Page 2 The Dartmouth Review May 13, 2013

Spring Weekends Across America

By Lucas A. Dawson & Robert J. Scales The flowers are blooming, the birds are chirping, and social chairs are flocking to Stinson’s. Why? Spring is here, and, at Dartmouth, that means something special: Green Key is fast approaching. Dartmouth isn’t the only college with a big spring weekend, though. To show you what you’re missing, here’s a quick summary of spring parties off the Hill.

On the last day of classes, Cornell hosts Slope Day. This one-day celebration originated in 1890 with the fundraising event called the Navy Ball, which was hosted the day preceding one of the year’s largest regattas. The tradition of skipping class on the day of the race—the participants are Cornell students, after all—quickly developed. The university soon embraced the day and began providing entertainment, including mock bullfights (what?) and circuses. Except for a Vietnam-era hiatus, students have been holding a spring party ever since. Slope Day, a music- and beer-fueled extravaganza on Libe Slope, was born in 1986. Today, Cornell typically hosts several live musicians, provides food and beer (to students 21 and up), and sponsors a carnival, SlopeFest, which includes such—Cornell-appropriate—entertainments as games, raffles, and bouncy castles. For Slope Day 2013, held on May 3rd, the university brought the musicians 5 & A Dime, Hoodie Allen, and Kendrick Lamar to campus.

Princeton holds Lawnparties every spring. The eating clubs (don’t you feel pretentious just saying “eating club”?) have been hosting Houseparties, private events held by the clubs, on a weekend at the end of the school year for decades.

Houseparties weekend in a typical club consists of Friday night formal, Saturday night semi-formal, Sunday morning champagne brunch, and Lawnparties, an open Sunday afternoon concert on the club’s lawn. The university began to take an official role in Lawnparties in the early 2000’s. Since then, Princeton has brought a headlining performer, which students perennially complain that “no one’s ever heard of”, to one Mr. Dawson is a freshman at the College and a contributor to The Dartmouth Review.

Mr. Scales is a freshman at the College and a contributor to The Dartmouth Review.

club’s lawn. Imagine that! Princeton students complaining about something other than grade deflation. Many of the other clubs continue to host concurrent individual concerts and much of the weekend’s festivities center on the exclusive components of Houseparties. This spring, Princeton brought Kingsfoil and Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros to Quadrangle Club’s lawn on May 5th.

The University of Pennsylvania is home to Spring Fling, an event which, in an attempt to create a reputation as “the social Ivy” Penn students call the “largest party on the East Coast”. Sorry, bro, but there’s room at the top for just one social school in the Ivy League. The Friday-Saturday event began in 1973. Both afternoons feature a variety of local bands, carnival games, and food. On Friday night, the main concert takes place, including several major performers. Saturday night, the university hosts a Carnival, with—wait for it—games, music, and free food. The weekend’s festivities are mainly enjoyed by thoroughly pre-gamed Penn students, who extend the celebration to the college’s fraternities. This year, much to students’ dismay, the school booked Janelle Monae, Tyga, and Girl Talk for the event, which occurred on April 12th and 13th.

Yale hosts Spring Fling, a one-day concert and party.

The celebration falls during reading period, however, a fact which many Yalies try to forget—although, let’s be honest, if you go to Yale, you’re not getting a job whatever your grades are. This year, Macklemore headlined the event, which occurred on April 29th. Other performers included Best Coast, Grouplove, and RL Grime.

Brown’s attempt at a spring party is Spring Weekend. The event includes a Mr. and Mrs. Brown contest, a carnival, a few musical acts, and the ironic—classic Brown—E. Gordon Gee Lavatory Complex, a collection of port-a-potties that makes its appearance every weekend in commemoration of the wildly unpopular Mr. Gee, a former university president. For this year’s April 19th – 21st Spring Weekend, the university booked A-Trak and Kendrick Lamar.

Of course, spring party weekends aren’t limited to the Ivy League. Here’s a sampling from some lesser other colleges.

At the University of Chicago—just kidding.

Colgate University annually hosts a big spring weekend, creatively named Spring Party Weekend. Two weekends

before finals, Colgate brings in big-name musical acts and hosts outdoor barbecues. This year, Colgate hosted the Goo Goo Dolls, Giants of Science, Jesse Marco, and Fareoh for its two campus-wide concepts. Besides hosting musical acts, the university hosts a beer garden where students sample different local, national, and imported brews. However, unlike Green Key, most Spring Party Weekend parties are exclusive, with events restricted to hosting organizations and invitees. This year, visiting students stabbed two Colgate students during a post-concert brawl.

More pacifist than Colgate’s Spring Party Weekend, Dillo Day serves as Northwestern University’s annual spring party weekend. Dillo Day is an all-day music festival on that takes place the last Saturday of May on Northwestern’s lakefront.

This celebration finds its roots in May Day, which was originally a celebration of the women at Northwestern. This day included the crowning of a queen and a cotillion and dance party.

May Day later became May Week, as the university added additional events to commemorate the university’s women.

Eventually, the event became a month-long celebration with “Dillo Day” serving as the culmination of the festival. Initially, “Dillo Day” was merely a minor celebration of the armadillo, with only Texas-hailing students participating. But recent decades have seen the day’s significant swell, and currently, the day is regarded as one of Northwestern’s most important traditions.

In late April, Vanderbilt University hosts its annual Rites of Spring Music Festival. Instead of having one or two primary performers, Vanderbilt brings in artists spanning the entire music spectrum, and these performers perform across campus for several days. Rites of Spring, developed

by Vanderbilt students in the late 1960’s, was an attempt to ameliorate town-gown relations with neighboring Nashville.

So school organizations offer instructive events and lectures to Nashville residents in a variety of topics throughout the weekend. And the school’s outreach recently extended to its selection of its musical lineup. Many local bands—especially up-and-coming country groups—now perform during the festival.

So get out there and enjoy Green Key, Dartmouth. Clearly, you aren’t missing much. n

Spring Fling At UPenn

May 13, 2013 The Dartmouth Review Page 3

Editorial The Dartmouth Review Data Is The Answer, Not Founders

Greg Fossedal, Gordon Haff, Benjamin Hart, Keeney Jones

“Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win great triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.”

—Theodore Roosevelt

Thomas J.P. Harrington Editor-in-Chief

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Mean-Spirited, Cruel and Ugly Legal Counsel

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Delusional Hopes

On the heels of the protests by the radical group for- the number of sexual assaults significantly. But, I worry merly known as Dartmouth REALTALK (now known as there may also be other unintended consequences. For Dartmouth RealTalk), there comes the news that Greek example, wouldn't it be a worse power dynamic if liquor leadership is considering a new policy to ban freshmen from was scarce? If there were only a few parties available to all Greek houses while alcohol is being served or consumed freshmen? If an older student held a party in his dormitory until the Monday after Homecoming. On the one hand, this room and invited freshmen, wouldn't that be a far more is something I support. It's a reform of the Greek system hostile environment than a fraternity basement which is open that's targeted at reducing the problems associated with to all students? In a fraternity basement filled with older Greek life while maintaining the institution itself. Good. male and female students from across campus, bystander It's hardly an attempt to ban intervention is a far more the Greek system which so likely occurrence. At the many RealTalk aficionados same time, then freshmen appear to desperately desire. can easily choose to leave a It is not inherently a bad threatening and uncomfortidea, but I fear it will have able environment. After all, dangerous consequences. the next opportunity to get Ban freshmen by all means, alcohol is just steps away but then where will they go? down Webster Avenue.

I remember the halcyon If the supply of liquor is days of my freshman fall. restricted to those few We were not lured to the fraunethical enough to invite ternities. Rather, we chose over freshmen, why would to go because we wanted to. that reduce sexual assault? It As for the theories that this could, conceivably as freshwill limit access to alcohol, men would be on guard at I worry that is merely a such parties as opposed to pipe dream. Everyone on assuming that fraternity parmy freshman floor had an ties are completely safe. But upperclassman friend who is that the only reason we would buy hard liquor for are supporting this policy?

Thomas J.P. Harrington them within a fortnight. And,

I desperately hope that unlike the light beer that is consumed in the fraternities, banning freshmen does indeed reduce sexual assault, but our pre-games always consisted of grain spirits or cheap I also do not believe that we should just march blindly vodka. Why? It was easier to store, more cost-effective over the cliff of bad policy without a little forethought. and finally more concealable. By far, mixed drinks were So, instead of just blindly passing this policy, the Greek the beverage of choice. leadership should very clearly state to the administration For those of you who no longer imbibe, mixed drinks that as a consequence of this policy’s passage, extensive are far more dangerous than light beer. It’s a lot easier to records must be kept of all relevant statistics for the incomdown six extra shots in thirty minutes than six extra beers. ing freshmen class and then publicly shared. For example, And then, you will be in we need to know if sexual asveryone on my freshman floor had an upperclassman friend saults increased or decreased a lot more trouble. Sadly, who would buy hard liquor for them within a fortnight. before and after HomecomI fear that freshmen will And, unlike the light beer that is consumed in the fraternities, ing. Did this policy merely merely remain in their our pre-games always consisted of grain spirits or cheap vodka. delay sexual assaults until dorms or in less monitored spaces, pre-gaming with Why? It was easier to store, more cost-effective and finally fraternities were opened to hard liquor and mixed more concealable. By far, mixed drinks were the beverage of freshmen? Or did it increase drinks. That is far more choice...and far more dangerous than light beer. sexual assault by pushing dangerous in terms of freshmen social scenes and drinking behavior than a game or two of beer pong with alcohol consumption into unregulated areas of campus? The Keystone Light in a fraternity basement. After all, in a same goes for binge drinking. Why not conduct anonymous fraternity, there are experienced upperclassmen monitoring surveys on sexual assault as well as record all reported the situation to make sure no drunk freshman dies on their sexual assaults and freshmen who were sent to DHMC or couches. In an open basement, there are other individuals Dick’s House? Why not record their BACs as well? who are present in the situation who can instantly spot a The debate on campus is woefully bereft of facts or stumbling and vomiting individual and then help them. All data. If we’re going to try a new policy, we must also of these are good safeguards. Some claim that freshmen examine its effects. How else can we know if we’ve truly won’t pre-game if there are no available parties. To these improved the situation? How else can we discover the seemingly naive people, I reply that the pre-game will truth about sexual assault, fraternities and binge drinking? become the party.

Policy based on theories instead of facts is dangerous and As for sexual assault, I believe this policy could reduce irresponsible. We can and should do better. n

E

Inside This Issue Spring Weekends Across America Page 2 Rago’s Histories of Green Key & Hums Pages 4 & 5 The Week In Review Returns Pages 6 & 7 The Lawn Party at Alpha Delta Page 8 Champagne at SAE & Block Party Page 9 The Dartmouth Review Reviews Iron Man 3 Page 9 Westerosi Fraternities & Sororities Page 10 & 11 Last Word & Mixology Page 12

Page 4 The Dartmouth Review May 13, 2013

The Storied History of Green Key

By Joseph Rago Editor’s Note: Presented here is a history of Green Key weekend, required reading for any socially literate or historically conscious Dartmouth student. Former The Dartmouth Review Editor-in-Chief Joseph Rago ‘05 made the most recent, extensive updates and added other relevant information, much of it drawn from primary sources and personal accounts. Mr. Rago is now an editorial board member for The Wall Street Journal and won a Pulitzer Prize in 2011. All images appear courtesy of Dartmouth College Library.

In a 1951 column in the Boston Globe, Bill Cunningham ’20 wrote: “It may come as a surprise to modern prom hoppers that [the original] Green Key Weekend had nothing to do with their sort of business. Instead of soft lights, hot music, and gentle dabbles in romance, it came straight out of the he-man’s world of blood, sweat, and leather.”

The origins of the modern Green Key celebration can be traced to 1899. The class of 1900 put together House Parties Weekend, a four-day celebration at the end of May that featured sporting events and parties and culminated in a Junior Prom on Saturday night. During the Weekend, the upper-classmen invited dates from area colleges, whose names were printed in the Daily Dartmouth on the Monday following.

Over the weekend, the women would reside in the fraternity houses while the brothers found lodging elsewhere.

The administration required each house to hire chaperones to guard against lewd and lascivious behavior. Thus began the tradition of ‘Sneaks,’ whereby Dartmouth men would try to slip past the schoolmarms and matrons guarding the upstairs in small hours of the morning. The most enterprising would often employ creative measures to sneak to the upper levels of the houses to rendezvous with their best gals.

During House Parties Weekend, the freshmen were not allowed to participate in the festivities and were barricaded inside the dining hall. Clearly, the freshmen took the brunt of the abuse at the College in those days. First, they were required to wear freshmen caps, floppy beanies that Clifford B. Orr ’22, in a memoir of his freshman year, described as “absolutely the brightest green as you can imagine. They are the same color green as cerise is of red.” The embryonic Green Key marked the first weekend that the freshmen were allowed to remove the caps in public—though not before considerable ordeal first.

The week leading up to House Parties Weekend was known as “running season,” when every freshman was required to run out of sight when ordered to do so by an upperclassman. Orr remembered that the campus was “covered by bobbing green caps of disappearing freshmen.” They were also required to rouse the sophomores in the morning, and to run errands for the seniors during the afternoons.

The freshmen photograph for the Aegis was always staged in the days leading up to the weekend, and the sophomore class traditionally took it upon themselves to kidnap as many of the freshman as possible so as to disrupt its taking. Marauding bands of sophomores would prowl about campus, brandishing clubs and the butt-ends of revolvers, in search of prey.

When a first-year was spotted, they would give chase and seize him; captured freshmen were tossed into the cellar of the ramshackle Phi Sigma Kappa barn. In Orr’s experience, “Sixty captives were there, tied hand and foot, and strewn on the floor. We were thrown down among them, and you can believe that we passed a wretched night, with the cold winds howling through the shattered windows, and shrieking through the cracks along the damp floor.” Orr went on to describe his harrowing escape and grueling trek back to campus. “It has surely been a grand and exciting time,” he continued, “and if the whole class doesn’t come down with typhoid fever from drinking streams… we shall consider ourselves lucky. Thank Heaven, though, it’s over.”

Of course, it wasn’t. At sun-down, a bugle would sound and all four classes would gather at the Senior Fence. Led by the band, they would assemble into columns (the freshmen last) and march up the College Hill to the Old Pine, where elite juniors would be inducted into the Palaeopitus senior society. A parade across campus would follow, which terminated at the center of green, where a huge keg was waiting. In the days of Daniel Webster, the cask was filled with old New England rum; in later days, it was filled only with lemonade.

Palaeopitus would advance and drink, followed by the seniors, then the juniors. By this point, the fluid would be running low, and the Rush would begin. At the crack of a pistol the sophomore and freshman classes, laying in wait on opposite Mr. Rago is an alumnus of the College and former Editorin-Chief of The Dartmouth Review.

sides of the Green, would charge towards the keg and attempt fantastic stories of life at Dartmouth. The Boston Herald and to pull it back towards their respective sides. Pandemonium the New York Times carried accounts of the weekend and would always ensue—several freshmen usually ended up published a guest list of the largest yearly party in the Ivy unconscious.

League. The list was no small undertaking, considering that Orr remembered, “If you have never been in a rush, thousands of women from all over the Northeast made the you do not know the feeling of endless pushing, panting, pilgrimage to Dartmouth. The fraternities took on the envistruggling, slipping, fearing every moment that you will be able task of housing this flood of eager women. The Green the next to disappear under the feet of the six or seven mad Key Ball was forcibly brought to an end in 1967 after rioting youths and be trampled.” Before the Prom, a final tradition broke out. would take place—the Gauntlet. The upperclassmen would Drinking, then as now, was always an integral part of line up diagonally across the Green. The freshmen would run the festivities. Green Key provided the occasion for one of between them while being beaten and flogged with sticks and Judson Hale’s most famous anecdotes. Hale was a member of the sting of belt leather. (Serious injuries would often result the class of ’55 and the storied editor of Yankee magazine; he from seniors turning their belts around and whipping with was expelled from the College after vomiting Whiskey Sours the buckles.) Still, the freshmen took the Gauntlet in good on Dean Joseph McDonald and his wife during a performance spirits. For Orr’s class, “nothing very serious happened”—just of the ‘Hums.’ “gashed and bleeding faces” and “two arms out of joint and Hums, according to Orr, was a “Dartmouth tradition, old a broken collar-bone, nothing more.” Finally, the festivities as the College, I guess.” Each fraternity would compose a tune ended with the ceremonial burning of the freshman caps. and perform it for the College at large, to be judged by the Of course, the upperclassmen continued to revel at the music department and other administrators. Hums became a Green Key Prom all the while. The tradition continued until bone of contention as the years passed by and the songs be1924 when the faculty and administration decided to cancel came racier and filthier. The administration gradually became it because of “alleged misconduct and rather wild behavior less and less tolerant of these amusing tunes, and eventually in the previous years.” It is generally believed that the ban on began censoring them once the College went co-ed. In 1979 the Prom resulted from an incident involving Lulu McWoosh, “Real Hums,” sponsored by the Inter-Fraternity Council, a visiting woman who rode around the Green on a bicycle was introduced, free from the College’s red pen. Real Hums bereft of the traditional prom attire, or any other attire, fol- caught on for a while and was even reported once by Playboy lowing copious drinking. While students, no doubt, enjoyed magazine to be the best party of the year. Eventually, though, the scene, the administration was not amused. the tradition fell by the wayside.

The Junior Prom did not return to Dartmouth for another Gradually, the Gauntlet, too—for whatever reasons— five years. There is no indication that anything else filled the faded away, though the ingrained traditions of ritualized void during the heart of the Roaring Twenties, but during this beatings proved harder to stamp out. During the ‘Wetdowns,’ time, unrelated events transpired which would allow for the newly-elected student government representatives would be return of this festive May weekend. pelted with vegetables, food, and debris as they ran across the In 1921, the Dartmouth football team left for Seattle Green. During the 1960s, a tradition of chariot-racing took to play the University of Washington. The Dartmouth team root. The fraternities would construct unsteady and unbalanced was greeted at the station by chariots, which new and inuniformed Washington students toxicated pledges would haul who took charge of baggage, around a track on the Green bought refreshments, and served while being assailed by eggs, as guides. Until then, it had been a condiments, flour, rotting tradition of Dartmouth students to vegetables, sacks of potatoes, view visiting athletic teams with beer cans, and other rubbish. hostility. The warm welcome in The race ended when all the Washington inspired the formachariots were demolished. tion of a similar organization Eventually the administration at Dartmouth, and, on May 16, forced the races off the Green 1921, the Green Key was born and to a large field near the as a sophomore honor society. river. When the event finally The society underwent drabecame too violent near the matic structural revision over the end of the eighties, the chariot next few years, both in terms of races came grinding to a halt. the way it selected its members

Green Key has traditionand in its function. Initially, it ally had no theme—simply had three aims—entertaining a weekend to take college representatives of other instituholiday for no reason. Only tions, acting as freshman rule once in its illustrious history enforcement committee, and has it had one, and it was an selecting from its ranks the head unmitigated disaster. At the cheerleader and the head usher behest of Director of Student of the College. Only the first of Activities Linda Kennedy, these aims remains today. About the College officially dubbed two years after its inception, the Green Key ‘Helldorado’ in society voted to turn its ‘vigilante 1994. The tag honored the —The tradition of AD Lawn Party lives on— function’—forcing freshmen to Swinging Steaks, a band the wear their caps—over to the sophomores. In time, the func- Programming Board had hired to play in the center of Green. tion of selecting the head usher and cheerleader was turned Students could also enjoy a petting zoo, human gyroscope, over to various College departments. moon-bounce, and a magician. Needless to say, there was no In 1927, at the faculty’s request, society members wore theme the following year. their uniforms of white trousers, green sweaters, and green Today, though the most outlandish and violent traditions of caps with the key emblem during freshman week to help Green Key have faded into obscurity, the spirit of the weekend clueless frosh find their way around the College. To meet the lives on. Though the weekend is devoted to little more than expenses of entertaining visiting teams, the society sponsored revelry, partying, and hanging out, it has been reinvigorated an annual fundraiser. In 1929, this became the Green Key over the past few years. The idea of Green Key has evolved Spring Prom. The party had returned. into a celebration of spring for the campus; a great excuse The administration felt that the weekend would be bet- for students and alums alike to enjoy both the fair weather ter organized and take on an air of civility if the Green Key and smooth beers. A staple of Green Key since it began in Society oversaw the activities. In 1931, the College banned the early nineties, despite a short interruption earlier in this fraternity house parties because of frequent occurrences of decade, Phi Delta Alpha’s Block Party on Friday enlivens what it called “disorderly conduct.”

Webster Ave and sets the pace for the weekend’s festivities.

President Hopkins, at one point, threatened to ban Green Alpha Delta’s Lawn Party provides in that same strain an Key festivities, writing in a letter to Inter-Fraternity Council opportunity for daylight inebriation, despite the best efforts president Albert Bidney ‘35 that “the Green Key Promenade of Hanover’s finest. cannot be held unless definite assurances can be made that As Clifford Orr wrote in May 1918, “These are happy propriety will attend it.” days. The evenings are so warm and so perfectly delightful Still, Green Key Weekend took on epic proportions. It that we do our best to get our studying done in the afternoons became the font from which Dartmouth alums drew their most that we might [hang out] well before dark.” n

May 13, 2013 The Dartmouth Review Page 5

Of Quahogs, Co-Eds & Hums

By Joseph Rago Editor’s Note: The following history of Hums by Joseph Rago ‘05 was first published in 2004. Mr. Rago is now an editorial board member for The Wall Street Journal and won a Pulitzer Prize in 2011. It is a very detailed and historical look at an oft-forgotten tradition of the College. Hums are no longer part of Green Key weekend; Rago details why the tradition is now no longer. Perhaps, that was a good change.

The Green Key weekend historically marked the occasion when the ‘Hums’ were performed at the College. The Hums, dating from 1899, were clever and humorous tunes composed by the fraternities and presented by their pledges for the amusement of all. In the spirit of good-natured competition, the Hums were judged by faculty and administrators, with a small purse going annually to the house with the best song.

Of course, the College being what it was, things gradually degenerated. Traditionally, performers were attired in crisp white shirts and pressed pants as black as night; by the late sixties, the standards were somewhat less fastidious (see accompanying photo-graph). The content slipped as well.

Over the years, the songs became more and more risqué, and, ultimately, entirely inappropriate.

‘The Cohog Song’ is perhaps the most infamous Hum, debuting during the spring of 1975. Those were heady days at the College, women having been first admitted some three years previous. The Hanover Plain was hardly a hospitable place for the new co-eds. The male-to-female ratio, I’m told, was something like eighty-three-to-one. One evening before Green Key, some miscreant stole the toilet seats from every single female restroom on campus. “Our Cohogs,” as the Hum was officially titled, hardly added to the cordial ambiance.

Performed to the melody of “This Old Man,” it proclaimed that Dartmouth’s new women were “all here to spoil our fun,” that “they all ruined our masculine heaven,” that “they’re all a bunch of f-----g whores.” Goodness. Most of the other lines are unsuited for publication, but “Our Cohogs” ends with the chorus “With a nick nack patty whack / Send the b-tches home / Our cohogs go to bed alone.”

Many co-eds attending Hums walked out that year, but the song delighted others—namely, the Dean of the College, Carroll Brewster. Dean Brewster was the head judge and he immediately proclaimed “Our Cohogs” the finest song in the competition. He bounded to the stage, and, throwing his arms around the performers, took the lead in a rousing encore presentation of the racy verses.

Mr. Rago is an alumnus at the College and former Editorin-Chief of The Dartmouth Review.

A ‘cohog’ is literally a clam, being a phonetic spelling of ‘quahog.’ But it was intended by the song-smiths who dashed off the jingle as a base vernacular term for a woman’s vagina.

They also had a double purpose in mind. Unveiled during the first days of ‘co-education,’ ‘co-hog’ branded College women as swine.

Hums, though insensitive, still took more than a decade to peter out. To this day the influence of the Cohog song remains pernicious, or so I’m told, as some insouciant wags still spontaneously burst into song when the occasion strikes them. And that’s the basic gist of cohogs at the College. In other areas of New England, however, cohogs are not the subject of ridicule—but, rather, of respect and high esteem.

On Cape Cod, quahogs (as I will now properly reference the beasts) would be esteemed a delicious luxury but for their great plenty along the sandy shores—as such, they are merely a delicious staple. Quahogs are oval-shaped hinged shell-fish, a variety of which conchologists call bivalvular. They have an extremely hard shell and a tough adductor muscle that, in combination, allows them to bolt themselves off from the rest of the world in a fashion that few living creatures can command; they then bury themselves at the edge of the shore and beneath the sea bottom.

That is, until they’re harvested and consumed by man.

The standard bill of fare on the Cape is hale and plain— johnnycakes, fried smelts, salted alewives, cranberry conserve, Indian pudding, &c. Quahogs, however they’re prepared, are an essential part of the diet. They can be stuffed, for instance, after they’ve been shucked (always remembering to use a good clam-knife and to fold the fingers, not squeeze). The belly and the mantle are chopped or ground and mixed with bread crumbs and seasoning and spooned back into the shell.

Or, they can be made into quahog pie, which is exactly what it sounds like: quahogs in cream sauce underneath a pastry lattice. Quahog pie, no longer the indispensable dish that it once was, usually came as a breakfast dish. It was also savored at four of the clock, the customary break from the afternoon’s labor, be it raising a barn or laying in a cargo of cod. Quahog pie was usually accompanied by hard cider or blackstrap, a concoction of molasses and West Indian rum.

A chowder is a more customary way of serving quahogs these days. A proper quahog chowder is always made, not cooked, and it never contains tomatoes. The atrocious pink stew found on metropolitan menus is wholly an affront. The quahog bellies must be thrown pell-mell into a cauldron and marinated in their own liquor, before adding butter, onions, parbroiled potatoes, and well-larded saltpork, with cream added at the last.

A more sociable way of consuming the indomitable quahog is at clam bake (though the quahogs are actually steamed).

Photos in Clockwise Order: Two Attendees at Bones Gate Green Key Party Barbary Coast Concert Fraternity Members Informally Singing

A pit is excavated on the beach and filled with burning cord; stones are added and fired white hot. When the blaze expires, wet rockweed is raked over embers and the quahogs are piled on fresh from the sea; on top that, corn, potatoes, onions, and fish wrapped in cheesecloth. Then the whole rig is covered with sand and battened down with a canvas or tarpaulin, and left for hours to cook. A clam bake ends with a meal enjoyed by all.

Then there is the celebrated recipe of Captain Peleg Hawes, a man whose fame has been handed down through the old-line New England folkways. Captain Peleg would simply place the quahogs mouth down onto the ground and toss hot coals a-plentifully across their backs, the searing heat destroying the tenacity of the hinges. The Captain would simply remove the upper shell and apply a pat of freshly-churned butter and a sprinkling of sea’s salt and coarse pepper. If he were feeling especially audacious, he would add a squeeze of lemon.

Captain Peleg was a man of simplicity and honesty, but he was also a vinegary old crank. Once, at the sailing-hour for a voyage to the Orient, he promised his wife Arathusy that he would write her a letter from afar, so that he might staunch her weeping and not hold up his vessel. Twelve months from his departure, Arathusy received an envelope by post; trembling, she tore into it to find:

Dear Arathusy:

Hong Kong, China, May 21, 1854.

I am here and you are there.

P. Hawes.

It would seem, then, that chauvinism was not limited to Old Dartmouth, but to Old Cape Cod as well—which brings us to the point of this fairly lengthy digression.

The term ‘quahog’ was as exclusionary on the Cape as was ‘cohog’ at the College. The quahog’s aboriginal name, ‘poquauhocks,’ came by way of the Narragansett Indians.

Off-Cape the word was abominably degraded to ‘clam,’ but on-Cape it remained. Those who came from afar the Massachusetts coast were bewildered both by the menus and by the tall-talk of the laconic townsmen speaking of the mysterious “Quahog.” Eventually, the force of custom eroded, and the faint-of-heart devised ‘co-hog’ as a mnemonic aid for the uninitiated. At Dartmouth, they thought the co-eds would blow the curve, ruin the football team, and force everyone into summer school, and so they used the term the other way around and yet in the same way: to exclude and to humiliate. Remember that, whether you’re admiring a pert quahog sunning herself on the Green or a unearthing a cohog when the tide is at low ebb. n

Page 6 The Dartmouth Review May 13, 2013

The Week in Review Syrian Military Hacks The Onion’s Twitter, Irony Ensues Upon hearing that President Calvin (“Silent Cal”) Coolidge died, Dorothy Parker is reported to have said, “How can they tell?” It was easy to come to the same conclusion upon hearing of the Syrian Electronic Army’s hack of the Onion’s Twitter account.

A Slate news post commented, “The Onion is the latest major media organization to watch its Twitter account fall into the hands of the seemingly unstoppable hackers from the Syrian Electronic Army...Either that, or this is an instant contender for cleverest Onion stunt of all time.”

The hackers made attempts to imitate the Onion’s characteristic dry wit, with mixed success – their Syria-centric Tweets ranged from somewhat funny (their tweet that the U.N. had found that the chemical weapons were a hoax and were, in fact, “Jihadi body odor”) to simply anti-Semitic (their claim that the Onion’s CEO now regretted taking “Zionist money to defame Syria”).

The satire site took the hacking in stride, publishing articles like “Syrian Electronic Army Has A Little Fun Before Inevitable Deaths At Hands Of Rebels” and “Onion Twitter Password Changed To OnionMan77.” (Presumably, the pro-Assad hackers were less amused, as according to the Onion’s tech team, “began posting editorial emails on their Twitter account.”) After a reset of all the Onion staff’s Google Apps accounts, the newspaper regained access to its Twitter account.

Afterwards, the Onion staff forthrightly posted how the account had been hacked – members of the SEA sent phishing emails to the Onion staff with links (disguised as hyperlinks to Washington Post articles) that redirected them to sites asking for their Google account information. This was used to break into the Twitter account. Cheeky as ever, the site also gave tips via NPR on how to avoid getting hacked in the future, like “Move your site to a new web address every few minutes” and “Reduce interest in your website by avoiding popular subjects.” The Dartmouth Review intends to follow all of the above advice in order to avoid such an intrusion.

Dartblog has refused to comment on whether their recent article alleging that Dean Charlotte Johnson was to be placed in the Obama cabinet as Secretary of Health and Human Services was also the result of a Syrian terrorist attack.

President Obama’s Jokes Flop at Correspondent’s Dinner Despite his constant vilification of the financially successful, President Obama has always received immense financial and verbal support from a large percentage of the nations wealthiest individuals, although his richest supporters gener-

“Dartmouth RealTalk has never ever ever ever ever bought ads on Facebook. Despite the massive amounts of evidence to the contrary, we have never done that. Why would we? We’re anti-capitalist!”

-Col. Donovan ‘39 ally tend to be those who have made their money through fame and good fortune, rather than enterprise and hard work.

He never misses an opportunity to pander to the Hollywood elite, and this year’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner was no different. Originally designed as a chance for the White House staff and press association to celebrate another year of cooperation and award outstanding journalists, each subsequent dinner has seen the focus shift more and more onto the array of Hollywood celebrities who are invited to attend.

This year, those stars present included cast members from the popular TV programs “House of Cards”, “Nashville”, “Scandal”, and “Modern Family”. Popular comedian Conan O’Brien anchored the event with an entertaining routine that poked fun at almost everyone in the room. By contrast, the jokes in the president’s preceding speech ranged from the decidedly unfunny, such as cruelly making fun of O’Brien for being ultimately replaced by Jimmy Fallon on both “Late Night” and “The Tonight Show”, to the downright embarrassing, as he attempted to poke fun at himself by criticizing Marco Rubio for holding presidential aspirations after only one term in the US Senate. This latter joke was somewhat amusing but also served to remind listeners that Barack Obama remains one of the most under-qualified men to have ever been elected to the presidency.

The President should be commended for devoting part of his speech to honoring the courage of both the victims and first responders in the recent Boston bombings and the Texas fertilizer plant explosion. Unfortunately, he also used this portion of the speech to praise the members of the press who reported on these disasters in their immediate aftermaths.

The modern media has been at their absolute worst in coverage of recent disasters, broadcasting facts before they have been confirmed and generally contributing to the misinformation and confusion that tend to follow these events. On the whole, the president’s speech and the dinner itself were a disappointment, showing him at his worst as he put wildly

erring journalists in the same category as self-sacrificing first responders while taking yet one more opportunity to hypocritically schmooze with the tiny portion of the one percent that supports him. Neither presidential nor hilarious, the Correspondent’s Dinner could best be described as yet another reminder of the flaws of our current President.

The IRS Targets Conservative Groups, Obama Disturbed The IRS admitted recently that it had specifically targeted conservative groups with audits and investigations during the last few years. While some liberal puppets such as Ed Schultz have wondered why anyone cares, the rest of the country has reacted with shock and disgust at the government targetting citizens for political purposes. Reminiscent to Nixon’s usage of the IRS to target those lucky few (well, not so few) on his Enemies List, the IRS activities were frightening and disturbing.

The American people were certainly not happy after the news broke and it’s a little shocking that the President waited so long to comment. No doubt, the teleprompters were already too full with excuses for the Benghazi affair. How odd that so many government scandals should be breaking just now.

If only more headway could be made on the Fast & Furious gunrunning program that ended in so many deaths in Mexico, then the GOP-controlled House of Representatives could have a real field day. Not to suggest that President Obama had anything to do with this scandal, after all he termed it as “outrageous.” Indeed, Mr. President, it is outrageous. And heads should roll. While President Obama has promised to get to the bottom of the matter, one has to wonder if the Benghazigate administration can indeed find the truth. n

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May 13, 2013 The Dartmouth Review Page 7

The Week in Review get into the party, why would the freshmen pregame it?

At the same time, it also would reduce access to alcohol.

Finally, with more time to transition to college, freshmen might more securely land on their feet. Supposedly, this new policy would dovetail with an open door policy in the dormitories to grant Undergraduate Advisors more power. But would that truly solve the problem?

Finally, it would also provide the administration with proof that fraternities and other Greek Letter Organizations truly want to reduce sexual assault and binge drinking. After all, fraternities would also offer sober events during this transition period so that freshmen could meet upper-class Greek members outside of the basement.

The College would provide alternative social spaces and events before Homecoming as well in order to entertain freshmen. Given the success of expensive events like Club Collis, we can only imagine how bored the freshmen will be.

Yet, perhaps it will be successful in reducing sexual assault and binge drinking. Or will it? Please read the editorial on Page 3 to see another opinion on this policy.

“I just don’t care. About anything. Why won’t people just let me not care?”

Jason Collins Exits Closet, Broussard Comments After NBA player Jason Collins publicly announced he was a gay athlete, making him the first athlete in a major American sports to do so, sports fans across the country gave their support. ESPN NBA reporter Chris Broussard was less supportive. Broussard identifies as Christian and is a lead reporter on all matters of the NBA. On the Power 105.1 “Breakfast Club” Radio show, Broussard called homosexuality an “open rebellion to God” and has not backed down from his comments. ESPN gave a statement apologizing for the distraction the comments created, but not really an apology for what Broussard said.

This is not the first time an ESPN commentator has caused a national ruckus. Last year Rob Parker called Robert Griffin III, quarterback for the Washington Redskins, a “cornball brother” because he has a white fiancé, possibly identifies as a Republican and isn’t “down with the cause.”

When sports commentators express controversial opinions, it makes everybody uncomfortable. ESPN subsequently suspended and ultimately fired Parker.

Broussard argued living a Christian life means having to constantly fight temptation. “And if you stumble and fall, then you get back up, you repent and ask God for forgiveness, and you move on,” he said. “I think that applies to homosexuals as well.”

There has been wide support otherwise, from sports stars like Kobe Bryant, to political figures like Nancy Pelosi and President Obama.

In a statement released on Twitter, Broussard wrote, “As has been the case in the past, my beliefs have not and will not impact my ability to report on the NBA. I believe Jason Collins displayed bravery with his announcement today and I have no objection to him or anyone else playing in the NBA.”

Fraternities Planning to Close Doors on Freshmen Next Year The Greek Leadership Council has begun debating a new policy surrounding the current access of fraternities by freshmen. Freshmen are allowed to enter fraternities from the moment they arrive at Dartmouth. They are immediately considered members of the Dartmouth community from matriculation to death. This new policy would change that, possibly for the better, but probably for the worse.

Under the new policy, freshmen would not be allowed in fraternities, sororities or co-eds while alcohol was present.

This would hold true until the Monday after Homecoming when freshmen would finally be legally welcome in fraternity basements. That means if a 21 year old senior was sipping a private beer during a meal, freshman should not be also in the house.

-Col. Donovan ‘39

Hopefully, the law would be enforced according to the spirit and not the letter. But exactly how will it be enforced?

Simple: a penalty for both the offending house and freshman. The freshman who violated the policy by sneaking into the fraternity would no longer have fall rush privileges.

That means that any member of the Inter-Fraternity Council, Panhellic Council or the Greek Leadership Council would refuse to extend the offending freshman a bid during the fall rush process.

Thereafter, the freshman could try and rush again in the winter, but as everyone knows, it’s far more difficult to receive a bid then. Many houses do not host winter rush or only take a few pledges. One wonders if this will change due to the policy. Perhaps sophomores would begin typically rushing in the winter as opposed to the fall? Or will there be further punishments for continued violations of the policy?

The policy would also impose a severe penalty on the organization that allowed the freshman into their physical plant while alcohol was being served or consumed. After all, the offending freshman is only one half of the coin.

The organization would have to pay a substantial fine to IFC or Panhell in order to sponsor a charity event. That fine would range from two to four thousand dollars. Hardly a slap on the wrist. For many of the smaller houses such as the historically minority fraternities and sororities, this could be even enough to force the organization to close its doors permanently.

Luckily for most Greek Letter Organizations, there will be an option to avoid the penalty in case freshmen do sneak into your physical plant. Just as Greek Letter Organizations can call S&S to take care of severely drunk students under the Good Samaritan policy and theoretically avoid punishment, the organizations would be able to “good-freshmen.”

Hardly the same ring to it as Good Sam, don’t you think?

Oh well. S&S would remove the freshmen upon immediate notice of their presence and no penalty would be given to the organization.

Yet, how would this be organized? How could this be enforced? The administration would issue student IDs with different colors to freshmen. As a result, fraternities, coeds and sororities would have to lock their doors to prevent ‘walk-ins’ or post guards at the door every single night. Both are significant changes from the current scene at Dartmouth College. But why all of these changes?

Quite simply, it has multiple reasons. The first is that it will reduce wear and tear on fraternities. Since freshmen have no stake in respecting fraternities or protecting Greek Letter Organizations, they will often destroy property, create messes, or pre-game parties leading to more Good Sams. These over-intoxicated students are not the fault of any fraternity member’s actions, but rather due to unwise consumption of liquor before the event. Through delaying the freshmen from entering the Dartmouth social scene until they have some understanding of appropriate behavior, this policy will reduce the occurrence of these terrible events.

Secondly, the policy will safeguard the safety and wellbeing of the freshman class. The supporters of this policy hope that it will reduce sexual assault as hopefully freshmen will be more secure by the time they venture into fraternity basements and thus less open to predatory actions by either members or non-members. They claim that it could also theoretically reduce binge drinking as freshmen would have no need to ‘pre-game’ events. The theory is that if they can’t

Post-Boston Marathon, Millions Learn That Dartmouth Is Not In Massachusetts After the Boston Marathon bombings, confusion reigned.

For the first few hours, spectators grasped at straws, trying to piece together the motivations and lives of the bombers, Dzhokhar and Tamerlan Tsarnaev. It soon came out that Dzhokhar, 19, was a student at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth, in the southeastern part of the state.

In the immediate aftermath of that revelation, many confused UMass Dartmouth with Dartmouth College. Many on campus received worried texts and Blitzes, wondering whether or not the bomber had been caught, or if they knew Dzhokhar or not. Of course, no one knew him, because, well, he didn’t go to Dartmouth. But that didn’t stop concerned relatives from asking.

It didn’t help that a simple Google search of “Dartmouth” yielded, for a few days, a laundry list of links about and pictures of the two bombers. That we share a name with a commuter school in Massachusetts certainly did not help our profile.

Still, our unfortunate name association was nowhere near as bad as what happened with the Czech Republic. To a lot of Americans, “Chechnya” and “Chechen” sounded an awful lot like “Czech Republic” and “Czech.” Naturally, many took to twitter to denounce the Central European country, only to find out that the Czechs had nothing whatsoever to do with the bombings.

Czech Ambassador to the United States Petr Gandalovic felt the need to remind everyone that “the Czech Republic and Chechnya are two very different entities — the Czech Republic is a Central European country; Chechnya is a part of the Russian Federation.” According to the Associated Press, Mirca Sekerova was less diplomatic, stating that Americans ought to “open a geography book once in a while... stop blaming our country for this.”

Maybe Carol ought to put out a similar press release.

Programming Board Books A$AP Rocky for Green Key Wknd A$AP Rocky is your Green Key headliner and you will enjoy the show. Rocky does not stoop to producing canned pop radio hits. The album forms a synthesis of popular hip-hop and other genres. In “Wild for the Night,” a frantic Skrillix dubstep beat kicks up in rapid fire for each chorus. In “Goldie,” his Houston-style casual flow interrupts the slowmo hook.

“Ghetto Symphony” features grandiose orchestral arrangement sets as a backdrop that’s downright beautiful.

Again, Rocky’s lyrical content is not the project’s strong point. Rocky’s music can be as hedonistic and narcissistic any random cross section of mainstream hip-hop. His production, already impressive in Live.Love.ASAP. has gotten a facelift.

Rocky has definitively proven he has an ear for crafting addicting and sonically appealing beats. But, it’s music for the young; pumped with energy and polish, though maybe a little shallow. It sounds good. Do you need anything more? n

Page 8 The Dartmouth Review May 13, 2013

The Lawn Party at Alpha Delta

By James G. Rascoff & William R.F. Duncan Each term, Dartmouth temporarily suspends academic rigor for a quarterly celebration of tradition. During Homecoming, Dartmouth enthusiastically receives alumni from around the world and welcomes a new class to its ranks, as hundreds of freshmen parade around a towering bonfire. Winter Carnival pays homage to Hanover’s harsh but memorable winters with events like the human dog sled race and the construction of a snow sculpture on the Green. And each spring, classes are suspended for a celebration of one of Dartmouth’s most time-honored traditions: sheer debauchery.

Originally highlighted by an annual prom, Green Key weekend has undergone many transformations and revisions since its inception, but the fundamental bacchanalia of the weekend has remained unchanged. Unlike its counterparts in the fall and winter, Green Key is not a weekend of traditions accompanied by celebration, but rather a celebration of celebration itself. Throughout the years it has seen “chariot races,” keg tosses, and raunchy singing competitions.

The advent of spring weather seems to inspire in the student body a thirst for daytime indulgence, and concerts sponsored by both the College and Greek houses make for one of year’s most memorable weekends. Programming Board’s Gold Coast concerts, Theta Delt’s Pig Roast, and Phi Delt’s Block Party all encourage sunlit consumption and revelry. Most will agree that one of the primary attractions of Green Key, and a longstanding staple of the weekend, is Alpha Delta’s Lawn Party.

Over the past few decades, AD’s Lawn Party has played host to prominent musical acts like Anthrax in 1982 and Blues Traveler in 1988. Annually, on the Saturday of Green Key, hundreds descend upon the lawn of Alpha Delta to enjoy a live musical performance and bask in the sun with friends.

While traditions like Hums, chariot races, and Green Key Prom have disappeared or been diluted over time, AD’s Lawn Party has remained a mainstay of the weekend.

Although the Motown and rock ‘n roll bands of old may no longer serenade partygoers over Green Key, an evolution in musical fads has not diminished the energy of live acts at AD’s Lawn Party. This year, electronic music producer Mr. Rascoff is a sophomore at the College and a contributor to The Dartmouth Review.

Mr. Duncan is a sophomorea at the College and Web Editor of The Dartmouth Review.

Viceroy, who mixes a “tropical disco-house sound” and lives by his “summertime, all the time” motto, will headline the event.

Viceroy combines new and old musical styles to create an entirely unique sound characterized by an infusion of modern beats and retro disco. The feel-good, lively nature of Viceroy’s music is sure to complement the atmosphere of the weekend in general, and the summertime feel of Lawn Party in particular. “Viceroy evokes warm spring days, or hot summer nights and light beer,” says Alpha Delta’s resident music expert, Micah Peters ’13. “You may not be in a sandy or exotic locale, but the steel drums and floating synths make you feel as though you’re in a boardwalk bar just before sundown. It’s especially breezy and light-hearted, with choruses you’ll likely find yourself humming long after the music has stopped.” Viceroy’s hit song “Chase Us Around” has been somewhat of an anthem among many brothers of Alpha Delta this year, a fact to which even the most infrequent visitor to AD can attest. Look for the song to be played “multiple times” on Saturday, says AD social chair Joseph Maziar ’13.

Opening for Viceroy will be newly-formed student band CHUCK. The group is the only country band on campus and looks to set the mood for the party. “Nice weather, cold beer, t-shirts, and Ray-Bans, man, that’s what embodies CHUCK,” comments guitarist Chase Klein ’14. “We can’t wait to play music that everyone can just sing along to and go crazy to outside.”

In an interview with The Daily Dartmouth in 1985, former Alpha Delta president Paul Korfonta ’86 worried that “if it rains, I don’t know what the hell we’re going to do.” While sunny weather plays an important role in the success of any outdoor event, Lawn Party has shown resilience to even the dreariest of days. When AD alumnus and National Lampoon’s Animal House author Chris Miller ’63 returned to campus for Green Key in 1989, driving rains had turned the AD lawn into a mud bowl. Even hard-partying Miller was dismayed by the poor conditions and was admittedly “a little burned out from trying to keep up with these 20-year-olds all week.”

For a moment, it seemed that what Miller had previously described as “the apex of the weekend” was going to be a dud. But before he could complain, a group of “beslimed” brothers hoisted Miller into the air and tossed him into the mud pit. Miller was immediately rejuvenated, and recalls “dancing my ass off, exchanging high fives and whooping like a maniac, and it all comes back, that total party feeling, where time is suspended and you’re in an eternal, fun-filled

now. This is it-the thing people join fraternities for-one of those peak bacchanalian moments that know no equal. My sense of closeness and connection with these boogieing mud maniacs could not be greater.”

Over time, the unrestrained rowdiness of years past has diminished to some extent at the College. The saying, “nobody rages anymore,” has been a long-running theme. “It’s harder to have fun than it was four or five years ago,’’ said Todd Young, an AD ’92 in a Rolling Stone article written during his graduation year. “There are only two or three guys now [who] are really Old AD,” observed Young, referring to the members of the house who continued to practice certain pre-coeducation traditions. According to the article, it was not uncommon for Alpha Delta to supply forty kegs or more for Green Key weekend. In the late eighties, seventy-eight windows were broken in AD over Green Key; Young viewed the destruction of a paltry three windows during his year as a sign that the school was going soft.

Chris Miller fondly remembers the Green Key of his sophomore year, when Alpha Delta was on probation. He recalls how the week before, “Dean Seymour was feeling charitable and took them off pro. They could have girls for Green Key! And Beer!” As AD has been on probation for the entirety of this spring term, the house finds itself in a similar situation, though without the leniency of a sympathetic Dean or the presence of beer. AD is still allowed to host its annual Lawn Party, and it has obtained an “outdoor events and noise permit from Dartmouth and the Town of Hanover,” says social chair Michael McLaughlin ’13. Because Alpha Delta will not be serving any alcohol, it does not need to register the party with Greek Letter Organizations and Societies, the administrative body that governs Dartmouth’s fraternities and sororities.

Today, the high spirits and carousing of Lawn Party hold strong. Like Phi Delt’s Block Party and other traditional Green Key festivities, Lawn Party is an opportunity for the Dartmouth community to gather outside and enjoy live music, the company of friends, and, with any luck, gorgeous spring weather. It is one of the many traditions that bring the student body of the College together, and one of the defining features of Green Key Weekend and thus, of social life at Dartmouth.

Some would say that it is just another fraternity party on just another beautiful spring weekend. But that’s just as wrong as saying that Dartmouth is just another liberal arts college with aspirations of grandeur. The College and to a lesser extent, Lawn Party are places to make memories. n

May 13, 2013 The Dartmouth Review Page 9

Champagne at SAE & Block Party

By Hilary H. Hamm & John-Hammel Strauss With campus abuzz about the upcoming Green Key weekend, Sigma Alpha Epsilon’s heavily attended Champagne party is certainly a party worthy of mention. This termly formal party happens every Thursday before every big weekend including Homecoming, Winter Carnival, and of course Green Key. For some of us, it commences the highly praised weekend. And for others, it gives us an excuse to skip our 9Ls the next morning and continue the marathon of merriment.

Perhaps even a lucky few drag themselves to 7:45 AM drill the next morning and have an exciting story to tell, but find they know none of the French, Spanish, or Italian words to describe the revelry. Apparently, some things are entirely untranslatable. Either way, attendees are always fresh faced and eager to begin the weekend and their subsequent downward spiral of sophistication. Still, it’s best to start off with your best foot forward.

Guests are encouraged to break out their formal wear that’s been hiding in the depths of their closets since freshman fall. “The attire is coat and tie for men and dresses for ladies,” said SAE President Alexander C. Olesen. In order to keep the evening more intimate, “each brother is allowed to invite up to five guests,” said Olesen. Although the brothers of Sigma Alpha Epsilon didn’t specify shoes or jackets for women, it’s recommended to keep frackets and frat flats at home. After all, why not take one night to be fancy?

Be prepared to receive blitz after blitz of requests for high heels. These rare sights are a staple at the Champagne event. The prestige of this exclusive event is heightened when guests are provided with an ample supply of champagne upon arrival. Well, not quite champagne, but the college equivalent: André. The source of the buzz from André is debatably sugar rather than alcohol, but it properly fulfills its duty of nudging formal guests toward the dance floor. André might not satisfy a wine connoisseur, but to a poor college student deprived of anything superior than the likes of warm Keystone or that cheap vodka called Zhenka which comes in plastic bottles, it begins to resemble Dom Perignon or Veuve Cliqeut Rosé Ms. Hamm is a freshman at the College and Media Editor of The Dartmouth Review.

Mr. Strauss is a freshman at the College and a contributor to The Dartmouth Review.

after a few glasses.

Although dinner is not served, delectable hors d’oeuvres are offered in place of the normal EBA’s garlic knots. A key feature must be noted in order to rightly distinguish this event from other Green Key celebrations. Whereas most parties over Green Key resemble the Theta Delt basement at 2 AM

with sweaty half-clad bodies, Champagne is unique in that swing dancing in the living room is customary. Instead of the usual DJ or iPod blasting out the newest One Direction song, SAE hires a jazz band. The Van Burens are usually hired, but this year The Green Room will be playing songs from their danceable jazz, funk, blues, and soul repertoire.

The origins of this elegant event date back to the 1970s, but the inspiration behind its founding remain unknown. One can surmise that an array of elements contributed to the birth of this classiness. The way I imagine it, the SAE President was probably sitting down one evening to read The Great Gatsby when he suddenly started comparing his juvenile nights in frat basements to the extravagant social gatherings that Fitzgerald makes us dream about. Just from the movie trailer, it is evident that Gatsby will earn an Oscar nomination for costume design. Knowing this, who wouldn’t want to emulate Leonardo DiCaprio or one of his costars and dress to the nines?

If Champagne seeks to accomplish one thing only, it is to remind Dartmouth students of what is expected of them.

Drunken dance floor makeouts in the bottom of a frat basement are only acceptable during these four (or possibly 5-sorry Engineering majors) precious years in college. When we venture into the real world, we are expected to conduct ourselves in a polished and cultured manner. Champagne enables us to momentarily glimpse into the real world that requires refined

raging, and it is certainly a welcomed break from a weekend that is always chockfull of unrefined madness.

After Champagne on Thursday evening, you can wake up and stumble over to Phi Delta Alpha’s celebration of spring.

On Friday afternoon, students of all classes and shades of pastel will be gathered at the block party on Phi Delt’s lawn to celebrate the start of Dartmouth’s best weekend of the year: Green Key. “Green Key is the biggest weekend of the Greek weekends because all of the other big weekends have some sort of tradition behind them, but the Green Key tradition is just partying,” said Phi Delt social chair Dan Bernhard.

Webster Avenue will be shut down Friday morning in preparation for the flocks of students and alumni who will congregate at the Phi Delt’s Block Party to hang out in the sun and enjoy the live music emanating from the front lawn. Throngs of red-eyed students, tired from their second wave of midterms, will don their favorite sundresses or salmon shorts and head to the big white funhouse to join in the daytime festivities. “Basically, we’ll listen to good music, provide everyone with water so that they stay hydrated, and hang out,” said Bernhard.

This year, the Block Party will feature two bands hailing from Providence and New York. The Clyde Lawrence Band, led by Brown University sophomore Clyde Lawrence, will open the live music acts at 2:30pm. Known for its piano-based, “bluesy feel,” the Clyde Lawrence Band’s performance will be sure to include covers of songs like “Ignition” and “Toxic,” as well as its own feel-good originals.

Following The Clyde Lawrence Band, the Brooklyn-based band Quintus will rock Webster Ave. with its Beatlesque indie rock tunes during its two hour set scheduled to start at 4:30pm. Led by roots-rock troubadour Reuben Chess, Quintus has already made a name for itself featuring Levon Helm, drummer and lead vocalist of The Band, on its first album, which was also produced by the recently deceased Helm.

More realistically, however, The Onion’s Scott Rogowsky concluded in a review that “these guys are pretty good, and not in the shitty kind of way.”

The Phi Delt Block Party provides a unique opportunity to listen to great music and party outdoors “because Dartmouth doesn’t have very many live music events in the Greek culture,” said Phi Delt social chair Matt Vetter. “You can listen to bands that you wouldn’t normally hear at a unique venue.”

Be safe, hang out, and make sure to stay hydrated. You wouldn’t want to miss Green Key due to sunstroke. n

counts. Firstly, it is a massive spectacle. When I went to see the film with a friend, he was extremely excited to see it even though he had last seen it a day earlier. As a somewhat infrequent cinema-goer, I was surprised and asked why he was so happy to be going again so soon. Simply, he replied “it’s pure eye-candy.” I would agree with one caveat: it’s not just eye-candy.

Despite the massive explosions, the forty-two armored suits, and the perfectly timed set pieces, Iron Man 3 is not just an action film. There is far more going on underneath the surface. First of all, the villains are brilliant pieces of satire and political commentary. The first villain and the main antagonist of the film is The Mandarin. Comic fans know that The Mandarin is one of the largest figures in Tony Stark’s gallery of antagonists.

Sir Ben Kingsley gives a commanding performance as the terrorist who releases tapes that skewer different pieces of American iconography to justify his bombings. Truly, a brilliant performance that at once both recalls and subverts the post-9/11 American paranoia as well as the willingness of American society to accept a symbolic villain. The prevalence of media over reality is a central theme of The Mandarin’s story arc. Sir Kingsley absolutely dominates the screen during his brief, but memorable appearances in short scenes that tread the line between terrorist videotapes and smoothly edited commercials for crime. At the same time, the secondary villain is a rogue scientist who founds a military thinktank, but soon turns his genius to evil instead. After all, what would a scientist in a superhero movie be, but a mad scientist? But that’s not the point of the movie, instead it is the association of the government with this rogue and unethical scientist. With one film, Mr. Black satirizes and attacks both terrorism and the American military-industrial complex. Both the enemy without and the enemy within. And yet, the film is hardly anti-American.

One might say that it is more American than America itself. After all, Tony Stark’s life is the quintessential American

story: an entrepreneur who uses his intelligence and riches to protect the weak and fight the corrupt.

As opposed to the noblesse oblige of the Wayne family, the Starks evolved to defeat America’s enemies. Originally Tony Stark was an integral part of the Cold War conflict and was developed as a character to champion America’s ingenuity and brilliant research and development as opposed to Soviet stagnation. Now in Marvel’s Cinematic Universe, he fights terrorists while his father was an ardent anti-Nazi.

The times and enemies may change, but the Starks do not.

They’re above America’s problems. By laughing at America’s foibles such as the fact that everything in politics is as focus tested as Coca-Cola’s new products, Iron Man 3 presents a vision of what America could be, not what America is. Of what Americans could build, not what they do build.

It’s a whitewashed view of history, but is that so bad?

While the great industrialists of America were far from perfect, must we always dwell on Henry Ford’s anti-Semitism? Or must we always lament the tragedies of the Cold War while ignoring the eventual victory? After all, Captain America: The First Avenger skimmed over the less joyous parts of WW2 including the Japanese internment camps. Marvel films have never been about the darkness of the human soul. That’s left to the DC Universe where Watchmen, The Dark Knight, and Green Lantern dominate the discussion with assassinations, terrorist bombings, and the incarnation of fear itself. Instead, Marvel has focused on the heroes, not the villains. On marveling at how incredible, intelligent, and inventive humans can be, even if they have superpowers. Thor is, of course, the exception as a god and not a human.

Iron Man 3 is a perfectly designed summer film filled with explosions, emotion, and even jingoism. It’s a wonderful watch, filled with laughter and joy. I highly enjoyed it, but I wouldn’t expect the film to change anyone’s life. It’s certainly not a Nolan film, but it’s by far the best Marvel film yet. If this is what Phase 2 will look like, sign me up. Definitely an eight out of ten. n

—Champagne: Gatsby Does Green Key—

Iron Man 3: An American Spectacle

By Thomas J.P. Harrington Every now and then, someone in Hollywood makes geek dreams come true. For the next few weeks, throngs of nerds can journey to the movie theatre and bask in the glory of this fact: some studio executive gave Shane Black three hundred million dollars and told him to go make a superhero movie.

Even better, Hollywood also gave Shane his long-time collaborator Robert Downey Jr. Many fans of the first two Iron Man films rioted after the news broke that Jon Favreau (director of Iron Man & Iron Man 2) would not be returning to the director’s seat for the three-quel aptly named Iron Man 3. After all, Marvel had just announced that Phase 2 of the Marvel Cinematic Universe was going to begin with the next film about Tony Stark and his armor. After the first film about The Avengers, it was time to move into a new and more polished direction under Disney’s management.

Yet, not all were wailing at the news of the new director for the Iron Man series. For those of us lucky few who have seen Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, we were excited the moment that Shane Black, the director of that film, signed his contract to direct Tony Stark’s latest adventures. For everyone else, you should know that Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a comedic detective thriller with a touch of old-fashioned screwball romantic comedy. It is in the running for the funniest movie I have ever seen and puts cult classics like Guy Ritchie’s Snatch and Martin McDonagh’s In Bruges to shame. In that film, Robert Downey Jr. polished his staccato delivery and charmingly roguish attitude, both of which would carry his career to great heights after he regained sobriety. And now, Shane Black would reteam with his protégé and a budget that could best be described as a mountain of money.

Fortunately, Iron Man 3 exceeds expectations on all Mr. Harrington is a junior at the College and Editor-inChief of The Dartmouth Review.

Page 10 The Dartmouth Review May 13, 2013

Westerosi Fraternities & Sororities

By Geraldine Ford & Patrick Nixon As the HBO series Game of Thrones has swept the campus, we here at The Dartmouth Review were shocked to receive the below text of an article from an anonymous source. In it, the authors describe the similarities between campus rivalries and the War of Five Kings. Enjoy.

Alpha Delta = House Baratheon Renowned for their abilities on the battlefield (or rather the soccer field and the rugby pitch), these athletic warriors are far better at leading teams than they are at ruling the campus social scene. They do possess massive charisma, however, as well as the ability to imbibe large quantities of alcohol.

with a band of other Phi Delts. Many guess that this is the result of their difficult pledge period which involves dogs and children. Both groups have a distinct distaste for the company of women, shunning the gentler sex.

Sigma Nu = House Martell Sigma Nu is the house at the very end of Webster Avenue, just as House Martell lurks at the very bottom of the Westerosi continent. Both Houses are sadly irrelevant for the majority of conflicts on both Westerosi on Webster Ave. TriKap = Brotherhood Without Banners A motley band of diverse outcasts who unfortunately cannot wear their own insignia, these brothers are renowned for their egalitarian ways of welcoming freshmen. Of course, many doubt whether their intentions are as perfectly pure as they claim.

Sigma Phi Epsilon = House Frey Ambitious and more importantly, numerous. The Twins was named for the two castles on either side of a river, but could just as easily have applied to the Frey’s broods. Both houses are also renowned for their unConventional, but memorable parties.

Zeta Psi = Ser Bronn of Blackwater Recently raised to the status of a house, these brothers are glad to have gained that status. However, they remain without lands and must strive to gain any social capital whatsoever.

Theta Delta Chi = House Lannister A band of blonde brothers, these athletes are renowned for both their athletic prowess and their wealth. The battle for social capital is largely waged between them, Psi U and Alpha Delta with all of Webster Avenue coming in a distant fourth. Their manes of golden hair merely seal the deal.

Chi Gamma Epsilon = House Greyjoy Like the Viking-esque House, Chi Gam has an ample number of lightweight rowers, perfectly suited for coastline raids. Their new hot tub certainly conjures up images of The Drowned God. They were once more prominent, but recently had their aspirations crushed. On the plus side, this has coincided with the House growing increasingly less sketchy.

Bones Gate = Temple of The Many-Faced God These brothers are just as devoted to exploring the unknown and the mysteries of life as the Faceless Men are to understanding the many facets of death. Their very name reeks of the crypt. Like the Temple of The Many-Faced God, they serve a drink which will make you go blind...if not die. Valar morghulis.

Psi Upsilon = House Tyrell A very old and wealthy house filled with members with a unique sense of fashion. Like Ser Loras, many brothers of their house are renowned throughout the land for their beauty. As the Lords of the Reach, they command the territory between the Lannisters and the Baratheons.

Sigma Alpha Epsilon = House Stark A once proud house that was on the rise, it has now been brought low by betrayal from within. Geographically isolated, it is only the brave few who walk through the cold winds to their broad doors.

Phi Delta Alpha = The Unsullied Like The Unsullied, Phi Delt is renowned for its cultish brotherhood. Brothers never leave the house save to eat...

Alpha Chi Alpha = House Karstark This house has many who adhere to the Old Gods, and is otherwise pretty respectable if not prominent. Unfortunately, they recently suffered a significant loss to their student body after a heinous betrayal.

Beta Alpha Omega = House Bolton Both the Boltons and Beta have recently entered the clash for social capital. Both houses are obsessed with waving flags. Both houses lock their own doors and are fairly secretive. And most damningly, both houses have recently surged in terms of power and influence. Rumors of nefarious means surround both houses including the capture and imprisonment of another house’s pledge. Flaying remains the territory of the Boltons.

Gamma Delta Chi = House Tarly Often, when a giant lumbers across campus, he is wearing the letters of Gamma Delta Chi. GDX is a house of big men and bigger football players. Many tales are sung of their feats of strength and dangerous endeavours. While Sam Tarly of The Night’s Watch inherited only the size, his family is a group of warriors renowned for both their bravery and their brawn.

Chi Heorot = House Westerling A once-proud and powerful house that now has little but their pedigree and an old name. They have fallen so far that the house was even written out of the show. Not too dissimilar from the fact that Heorot has been written off on the social scene.

Alpha Phi Alpha = House Mormont On the fringes of the battle for social capital, this fraternity has recently fallen on tough times due to a scandal. As a result, its members have been scattered by the winds in a state of exile.

May 13, 2013 The Dartmouth Review Page 11

The Battle for Social Capital Here, the list of houses that correspond to Westerosi groups continues. The battle has been raging for over a hundred years...will it ever end?

Panarchy = Harrenhall A once proud house that has been evacuated and now its massive rooms are home only to the spirits of its previous occupants. Screams often echo down the half-collapsing halls as odd experiments take place.

The Tabard = House Arryn A small house that is in the middle of the kingdom, but remains aloof and neutral during the scramble for social capital between houses. Rumored to engage in odd and decidedly unsavoury behavior that transgresses the lines of normal sexual conduct. Also, they are always high above the clouds.

Alpha Theta = The Night’s Watch Skilled in the ways of D&D and League of Legends, the warriors of Alpha Theta have pledged themselves to protect the realm from unseen horrors of all types, a most nerdy vow which means they shall also go unmarried and sire no children. Theirs is a thankless task few will willingly accept, but will also prove invaluable should the College ever be overrun by zombies.

Phi Tau = Wildlings Sworn foes and rivals of Alpha Theta, they are a most libertine and uninhibited people even if things have died down a bit from the nudist phase of the early 2000’s. They remain generally detached from the game of thrones played by the realm’s greater houses, though their living conditions are surprisingly nice given their location and status.

Kappa Delta Epsilon = The Sand Snakes These illegitimate daughters of the Red Viper are renowned for their views on sexual liberation and revolt.

Together, they plot to overthrow the patriarchy and lead House Martell to victory and domination of Westeros.

Mrs. Ford & Mr. Nixon are alumni of the College and contributors to The Dartmouth Review.

Alpha Xi Delta = Maesters Like the Maesters of Oldtown, Alpha Xi Delta is obsessed with knowledge. The sisters are renowned for their GPA which has long been at the highest reaches of the Greek system. An impressive sisterhood indeed, they are also famous for the many deeds they accomplish post-graduation.

Alpha Phi = House Clegane Dark rumors circulate that sisters of this house were exiled from rush events if they lacked suitable, shall we say, facial symmetry. In this regard they have much in common with House Clegane, where Sandor skipped town after a tragic “accident” in which is brother shoved his head in a fire. Unfortunately, no APhi displays the same prowess as Gregor Clegane on the tournament field.

TriDelta = House Targaryen Blonde and beautiful - that covers almost all that can be said about this somewhat dominant sorority. Oh yes, they also transform into fire-breathing dragons at the prospect of acquiring more social capital.

Epsilon Kappa Theta = House Tully They have a castle, but don’t stand out in any regard really.

They’re nice, decent, and honorable people, but without any significantly positive or negative characteristics. Their neighbors are considered far more adventurous and interesting than the Tullys themselves.

Sigma Delta = House Tarth Known for tough, empowered girls who play rugby and can easily stomp most men into the ground, and also located near the blue waters of the White River, Sigma Delta would be a natural home for Brienne of Tarth, who may lack traditional feminine charms but has made up for it by punching out Jaime Lannister more than once. One of the few women in A Song of Ice and Fire to regularly acquit herself well on the battlefield, Brienne is one of the few women who dares to operate in a man’s world.

Kappa Delta = House Baelish Like the infamous Littlefinger, Kappa Delta is without a castle or a homebase, really. Yet, through plenty of scheming, Kappa Delta has managed to secure the administration’s promise of a future castle. Surprisingly, so has Lord Baelish after years of service to the Crown. Of course, it remains to be seen if either of these promises will be kept.

Kings and Administrators alike are both known for their fickle ways, sadly.

Kappa Kappa Gamma = House Lannister Renowned for their incestuous relationship with Theta Delta Chi, these often blonde females are on top of the social scene. Unfortunately, many theorize that this is only due to incessant scheming...which will eventually fail. But for now, they are the Queen Regent. n

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May 13, 2013 The Dartmouth Review Page 12

Winter Wrap Up! Winter Wrap Up! Let’s finish our holiday cheer Winter Wrap Up! Winter Wrap Up! Cause tomorrow spring is here — My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. sweet spring is your time is my time is our time for springtime is lovetime and viva sweet love

“Nostalgia in reverse, the longing for yet another strange land, grew especially strong in spring.”

— Vladimir Nabokov Fluttershy: Well hello, Twilight. I hope you don’t mind, but we’re all doing a little spring cleaning for you.

Twilight Sparkle: It’s summer.

— My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

— E. E. Cummings The next six months will be critical — Tom Friedman April is the cruellest month

— T.S. Elliot

It’s Springtime for Hitler and Germany Deutschland is happy and gay!

We’re marching to a faster pace Look out, here comes the master race!

— Mel Brooks, The Producers Spring!

A nameless hill in the haze.

gordon haff’s

the last word.

Awake! the morning shines, and the fresh field Calls us; we lose the prime, to mark how spring Our tended plants, how blows the citron grove, What drops the myrrh, and what the balmy reed, How nature paints her colours, how the bee Sits on the bloom, extracting liquid sweet.

— John Milton Spring flies, and with it all the train it leads: And flowers, in fading, leave us but their seeds.

“Spring. April. My heart was filled with hope.”

(Meanwhile, Itoshiki-sensei hangs himself from a Sakura tree)

Whan that Aprille with his shoures soote The droghte of Marche hath perced to the roote, And bathed every veyne in swich licour, Of which vertu engendred is the flour

Spring has returned. The Earth is like a child that knows poems.

— Ranier Maria Rilke

By His Majesty’s Orders: The Michael attack will take place on the 21.3. The first attack on the enemy’s lines is fixed for 9.40 a.m.

In spring it is the dawn that is most beautiful.

— Paul von Hindenburg, 1918 Spring Offensive You can cut all the flowers but you cannot keep Spring from coming.

— Pablo Neruda

Barrett’s Mixology

By Kirk Jing

The Winter Wrap Up Blue Curacao Triple Sec Lime Juice Grenadine Red Star Baijiu

It’s Saturday morning, the first day of Spring. You really should be getting up, but your head is pounding. Just as planned. You woke up on a couch somewhere in some dormitory, so screw getting up.

A TV set looms over the wall, so you might as flip something on. Some kind of equine-themed marathon seems to be airing.

You turn it on before the flashy colors start aggravating your headache.

So you opt for the hair of the dog and pour yourself a nice drink to match the song on screen.

It is awesome. Everything is awesome. You barely even notice when the marathon ends. Eight hours later.

So you stumble to your computer and watch two more seasons. And pour yourself another drink to celebrate wrapping up winter.

Spring can wait.

And then, when Haru told him the name of his daughter, the powdery snow suddenly came to a halt. Almost as if it were a harbinger for an early spring...

— Final Line of G-Senjō no Maō

— Friedrich Schiller

— Kafuka Fuura, Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei

3 fl oz of 6 fl oz of 1 fl oz of 1 fl oz of 3 fl oz of

— Kobayashi Issa

Compiled by Kirk Jing

— Matsuo Basho

— Sei Shōnagon

What a strange thing! to be alive beneath cherry blossoms.

— Geoffrey Chaucer There are 200-230 miles to the Dneiper and to the spring rasputitsa there are 30-35 days. Draw your own conclusions.

— Filipp Golikov, Soviet Commander Deciding to Veto A Possible Spring Offensive, 1943

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