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LOVE IS ALL ! ! ! THE FLOODGATES ARE OPEN. ENOCH POWELL IS TURNING IN HIS GRAVE. A TRACK-SUITED WAVE OF EUROPEANS ARE SWAMPING GOOD OLD ALBION. Dan Tyte with a special report As the Daily Mail paints the average Pole as a catfood eating, child raping, donkey fucking miscreant (didn’t Hitler start with the Polish?), a wave of suspicion slowly creeps across Middle England. Speaking in tongues in the Tesco queue, wearing bizarre facial hair, being good at football, it’s just not … well, you know … terribly British is it? Suddenly the solution becomes clear. Why don’t we simply recreate colonisation on our own little island? Just think of the benefits…I mean for a start we won’t have to live on a horribly cramped smelly ship for months getting to the damn savages in the first place. What an admirable idea! We’ll

have the little darkies (um…whities) Anglicised and taking cream teas at high noon before you can say ‘Who’s your tennis coach?’. Fresh off the boat are Swedish types, Love is All. Debut long player Nine Times That Same Song treads the well-worn guitar-drums-keyboard route but adds saxophone (think Fun House by The Stooges) and a yelping frontgal to the soup to make for one jolly good time. Teeny Josephine Olausson angelically screeches through thirty odd minutes of entrancing, experimental post-punk joy. ‘Come on kids, click your fingertips’ she sings on stand-out track Felt Tip and it’s hard to resist. There’s a chugging repetitiveness (knowingly winked at by the title) to the album bordering on the sexual, that would have Mr and Mrs Range Rover of the Home Counties hot under their tweed collars. Or at least changing the soundtrack at their next swinging party.

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CAMPAIGN Q1. People under nineteen represent what proportion of the British population? a)1/2, b)1/3, Love is All answer correctly- c) 1/4 c)¼ or d)1/10

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Childhood in Britain. Ah … smell the nostalgia. Cider in the park, marker pens behind the bike sheds … umm … the Duke of Edinburgh award. So what’s the difference in Sweden then? “It’s boring most of the time,” Markus, of drum beat infamy laments. “There are a few good things that maybe you don’t have, like skiing is easier, or you can go out and pick mushrooms easier than in Britain.” Skiing on mushrooms? Finally a Winter Olympic sport we may have a chance of a medal in.

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How dare Love is All come over here and make our bands look rubbish, leaving our lads to busk on wet street corners for buttons, struggling to cobble enough small change together for an Englishman’s birthright - a hot brew and some rolling tobacco? Kruger decides there’s only one thing for it … we’ll have to claim them as our own. Staring through the barbed wire fence to freedom, Love is All take the British Citizenship Test to see if they’re up to the burden of becoming card-carrying members of America’s best friend.

Although Josephine bounds and bawls across the stage like a crazed toddler intent on her next E number fix this lovely little Schwedin is in fact, a fully grown adult. Looking back to being a kid she tells, “ya’know you really had to struggle a bit to listen to a certain type of music and become the alternative kid in your school. I remember I saw Tim Burgess wearing a striped shirt and I searched for so long to find one, but it just wasn’t around when we were kids. Now, it’s like, hey, go down to Topshop and you can buy a whole outfit.” Bassist Johan, Markus’ partner in beatcrime, agrees. “I guess it was a good thing, a good time to not have everything

Love is All - Photographed by Mei Lewis


CAMPAIGN served for you. I’d borrow someone’s old mix tape and hear a song that there was no way I could get on record unless I went all the way to Stockholm or London or wherever.” Q2. Where is the Scouse dialect spoken? a) Liverpool b) Wales Love is All answer correctlyc) East London Liverpool d) Midlands

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Once immigrants come to Britain, adopt the name Brian and start eating everything with red sauce they may think they’ve outgrown the stereotyping that dogged them throughout their attempts to integrate into UK society. ‘I am no longer a Macedonian scapegoat’, they may cry,’ I am now an English gent’. Alas, they’d be wrong. To become truly British, one must revert to the trivialities of stereotype that hang around the air of our regions like a fake rape charge. Scots are tightarses, the Irish have sideburns, Brummies are

CAMPAIGN boring, Cockneys are cunts … You can clear your name, but it never goes away. Surely the mild-mannered Swedes couldn’t be so narrow minded? Assembled from all over Sweden, Love is All brew their addictive potion in a new recording space in East Gothenburg. Proud Gothenburger Josephine pouts, ”I don’t even want to talk about Stockholm.” A seething Johan explains, ”Stockholm is full of these crazy little wannabe Stockholmers and they are the worst people ever.” Country boy Markus takes

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Stockholm is full of these crazy little wannabe Stockholmers over to describe his fellow farm-folk: “Down-toearth, working class, always telling jokes, likes football, 5% racist.” Maybe Sweden’s not so different after all. Ask a foreigner to picture an Englishman and chances are they’ll think of Mr. Benn on his way to the fancy dress shop. Sharp suit, bowler hat, briefcase. That or a lagered up football hooligan. Johan sheds some light on the archetypal Swede, “My sister’s boyfriend is from England and he can tell a Swedish person from like a hundred metres distance … because of the haircut. People iron their clothes in Sweden. I don’t think a lot of young people do that in any other place. It’s kind of neat, but not very stylish.”

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Q3. When did women get the same voting rights as men in the United Kingdom? a) 1918, b) 1958, Love is All are wrong. c) 1928 They say 1918, we say 1928 d) 1908

“Equal rights?” chirps Josephine. “They’re coming next year in Sweden.” Life as a female in a male dominated band is full of ups and downs. Debbie Harry had an on-off relationship with Blondie guitarist Chris Stein, Nico got hooked on brown with The Velvet Underground, Anita from 2Unlimited had to put up with Ray’s ridiculous hair … Josephine spills on life in Love is All. “I think that everyone of us thinks that we are the boss. Really I’m the boss but I’m doing it in a discrete way.” She writes the lyrics and did form the band “…a minute before someone else could. We were on a tram and our old band, Girlfrendo, had just split up and I was just…I did not want to not be in a band. Is that what you say? I-did-not-want-to-be….”. Guitarist Nicholaus (least annoying band member according to Jo) helps out. “You wanted to be in a band!” Josephine laughs. “Thanks, its so much easier that way!” Q4. Who is the head of state of the United Kingdom? a) The Queen Love is All answer b) Prime Minister correctly- the Queen c) Lord Chancellor-

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Britishers may be forgiven for thinking tabloid shaggers Sven and Ulrika were King and Queen of Sweden. But according to Nicholaus Ulrika could have walked through the streets of Stockholm with her saggy arse on show and no-one would have recognised her pre-Svengate. “Sex scandals are not big news in Sweden. The sort of big crimes you can commit in Sweden is trying to cheat with your taxes. We have a new government now, and it’s a big, big scandal that three members of the government did not pay

What can you give to Britain? “Less posing and more fun” their TV license. But if the prime minister was sleeping with other ladies, it’s really his business. No one cares.” If Swedish Braille is the same as English, David Blunkett may very well relocate. Having passed the citizenship test with flying colours, there’s just one last thing to ask Love is All. Think not what Britain can give to you. but what you can give to Britain? “Less posing and more fun” says Josephine. Love is All, the UK welcomes you with open arms.


issue12-12-15ForDan