Vulnerable Vacations
DanniConn
Vulnerable Vacations
FirstTimeSeeing
Isawyouand beautybounced offyourhourglass bodyandbrowncurls
Isawadate plannedbyus youacrossfromme spillingoursillysecrets
Isawthearray ofSquishmallows aperfectplaceformetolay thenyou’renexttome Isawtheway yourbodymelted intomine heatradiatingoffusboth
Isawmyfirsttime happeningwithyou yourvoiceguidingme throughanxietiesandpleasures
Isawyourhome disappearintodarkness asIdroveaway stillsweatyandlegsshaky
Ineversaw yourname onmyphone thenextday
SaturdayAfternoon
somesongisplayinginthebackground.idon’trememberwhatitwas.allirememberislooking atyourceilingwhilelisteningtoyousingalong.yourvoicebringingmyeyestoacloseand sendingasmileacrossmyface.lettingeverysyllablesinkin.focusingononlythesoundofyour voice.asiopenmyeyesyouarehoveringovermewithasmileonyourface.imeetyoureyes andgetlostintheirhoneychocolatebeauty.youreyesleavemineandtraveldownmyface.i watchwhereyougoandyoustopatmymouth.instinctivelyilickmylips.thatsmileofyoursis back.asyourfacecomesclosertominemybreathquickens.i’mready.yourlipscomecloserto mineandyourbouncybrowncurlscreateacurtainaroundmyface.yourbeardbrushesmyupper lip.itticklesandmakesmegiggle.iliftmyheadtoconnectwithyourlips.yourtongueconnects withmine.afamiliartasteexplodesacrossmytastebuds.myhandsmaketheirwaythroughyour hair asoundleavesyourmouthwhileit’sstillconnectedwithminecausingmetoarchmyback intoyou.it’snotawant.it’saneed.aneedtobeclosetoyou.aneedihavecravedandmissed.i havemissedthis.nomatterhowmuchiknowishouldn’tbehererightnow
can’twestaylikethis
asilayhere ithinkabout whenwelaidtogether howyouplayedwithmyhair asAvatarplayedontheTV whilemyhanddraped overyourstomachand myheadrestedonyourchest ilovedlisteningtoyour heartbeating thump thump thump ilovedtryingtomatch mybreathingtoyours in, out, in, out, in, out iwantedustobeinsync iwantedustostaylikethis untiltheendoftime
theendcame butnotoftime ididn’tknowthat nightileft wouldbethelast
NoSleep
Ilayinbedatnight unabletosleep thinkingabout you
Andwonderifmaybe you’relyinginyourbed unabletosleep thinkingabout me
TheUntouchable
Wesharedthesamebed, Iheldyouinmyarms, playedwithyour curlybrownhair, scratchedyourback, allwhileyoufellasleep withyourfacesnestled inmychest.
Yourbreathingcame tomatchmyown. Alightsnorereleased everynowandthen. Youinchedcloserand closer,asifyounever wantedmetoleave. Youevensqueezedmetight.
Afterallofthisand ourothertimes spenttogether,whywas yourlovesohardtotouch?
monthshavepassed
canisit?youask yeahyoucan
i don’t know where this is going youhavecome tospeakwithme tellingmeyou’resorry whatdoidowiththis? doiaccept? howdoesthischangeanything?
mymindisrunningamarathon mybodyfeelingablaze
ilistentoyou tellyouthatiunderstand ididn’twantthistohappen
youdidn’twant ittohappeneither
butitdid itcan’tbereversed whatdowedo?
mayigetatequilasunsetplease?
tonightiamswimming inalcohol
tequilaseemstotouchme likeyoudid
sweetatfirst cryingbytheendofthenight
nowswimmingin tequilaandtears
nonotswimming drowning
howcaniask youtosaveme
youaretheonewhois pushingmyheaddowndeeper
BreakingBarriers
AgainI’msayingfarewell, whennothingistrulywell.
You’retiptoeingnear thethresholdagain,but yousaidIloveyoutoo.
I’vesaidIloveyou, forallofyou.
Youcameback, thatmeansyoucare, youfeelthewayIdo.
Ibelieveinyou, it’llbebetterthistimethrough.
Maybeyou’vechanged, becomingabetteryou, enteringwithafreshview.
Iwelcomeyouagain withworryandhope.
verylateNOTICE
nothingnessisyourspecialty leavingmewiththedemonsof delusionsandunwantedscenarios whileyoulayinbed onyoursideandscrollvigorously throughyourphone ignoringthemessagesfromme givingmelittletonospace inyourmind whileyoudonothingbut takeupresidencyinmine youshouldhave beenevictedmonthsago istillcan’tgatherthe strengthtohandyou thenotice
Idon’tknowwhatIactuallymiss IsityouImiss?
Idon’tactuallyknow MaybeImiss thewayourbodiesmeltedtogether.MaybeImiss thesoundofyourinfectiouslaugh.MaybeImiss youcarryingmewhenI’dsaymyfeethurt.
Tensionthrivingthroughouttime. ClosertotheendandIjustknew youwerenolongermeanttobemine.
Iknowyoucaredaboutme.Butyourcarecouldn’tcompare tothecareIsodesperatelycraved.Youtriedand Ienvyyouforthat.
Imightmissyou.
Awakeatawful hoursofthenight.
Thinkingaboutwhatwe wouldhavebeendoingduringthesehours.
Wouldyoubewatchingyourfavoritemovie whileallIcouldwatchwasyou? Wouldwebeinmybedundertheblueblanket? WouldIbeplayingwithyourhair whileyouareplayingwithyourphone?
Ifadefasttowardssleep knowingnothing.
underconstruction
mysoulspokesoloudly howcouldyounothear? itspokethroughtheway ilookedatyou.theway mybreathhitchedwhenyou’dcomearound.theway iwatchedyousingsplendidly.theway mybodyreactedtoyourtouch. ifoughttohideit tokeepmysoulsilentbut itfoughtforanescape andwon myguardswereshotdownand mywallsturnedtorubble i am rebuilding
Bright,Bold&Falling
Cautiontape linesmyheart.
Brightyellow, Boldwords.
Youcan’tmissit. Youcan’tcrossit.
CAUTION CAUTION CAUTION
Anecessaryevil tokeepmy“safe”.
Safefromyou andothersalike.
Itshouldwork butit’sfalling.
CAUTION CAUTI CAUT
ihatethatidon’thateyou
ihate yourstupidfuckingcurlyhair, thoseawfullybeautifulbrowneyes, yourannoyinglysoftfuckingskin, thewayyourfingerstracedmyskinupanddown, howyouwouldholdmeafterfuckingme, askingmeifineededanythingafter, talkingandlaughingwithme, makingmebelieve,forevenasecond, thatimeantmoretoyou. whatihatethemostis thatidon’thateyouatall. ican’t,evenifiwantedto.
ShowerDrain
ishowertowashaway thememoriesofyou yourskinhastaintedmine
thatstupidfuckingcurlybrownhair thosehoneychocolatebrowneyes thehairsurroundingyourbellybutton
nomatterhowhardiscrub andturnmyskinintopatchesofrashes ican’tgetyouoffme
nomatterhowmuchidrink anddrownthememories
ican’tgetyourfacetodissipate
iseeyouineverythingido thereareplacesthatremindmeofyou
makingmewonderwhatyouwouldthink imagininghowyouwouldsmileinawe, eyesopeningwidewithwonder
iknowmoreaboutyou thaniknowaboutmyself
iworrymoreaboutyou thaniworryaboutmyself
ineedyoutodisappear likewaterintheshower
asitgoes down the drain
pleaseendthis
everyseconditrynottocheckmyphone iknowthatyournamewon’tbeacrossit butihavehope
ihavealwayshadhopeinyou thatyouwere theperfectguynomatterhowmanytimesyou provedmewrong
i’mtryingtoletyougo toridyouofthe spaceyoutakeupinmymind everytimeithinki’mclosetofreedom irememberhowyouheldme howyoutoldmeiwashandsome
heknowshowtokeepmeclose heknowshowtoreelmebackin wheni’msoclosetolettingthelinego i’mtryingtolethimgo
havingsomeofhim isbetterthannone
ineedtostop ineedtoleave ineedto let him go
ToBrunoMars
ifoundyou atsuchayoungage 12tobeexact littleoldme thinkingiknewwhatlovewas i’m21nowandstill havenoideawhatitis iknowwhatiwant yoursongssendmeinto aworldwherethis lovecouldbetrue buttheyarekeeping melockedoutofheaven andtheyaren’tletting mestayhere ilovethem justthewaytheyare iwouldjumpinfront ofatrainforthem youwoulddothesame,Bruno youknowthepainand achingi’mfeelingand neitherofusknow whytheywon’t dothesame
VenomousLover
Drawntoyou, notknowing yourlovewasvenomous.
Thethrill ofnotknowing.
Enticing atfirst.
Kissorkill, 2letterstooclose.
Yoursalivaspinningwith wickedvenom.
Travelingthroughmybody enteringthebloodstream, bloodclotting, arrhythmicheartbeats.
Keptasprey onceagain.
Yougotmewrappedup inyourweboflies. Escapeseemingunattainable.
Icannotbecaptivated byyourvenomousnature anymore.
Can’tyousee you’rekillingme slowly
nonameneeded
Iwillwriteapoemaboutyou. Thismightbetheonlyway foryoutounderstand. Verballynothingisstrikingyou. Forsomereason,poems makepeopleopentheireyes andthinkmorelogically. I’llneversayyourname inapoem,butyou’llknow. Thispoemisforyou, takeitasawakeupcall. Youandyourannoyinglyperfectbody andspontaneoussmile havecausedmepain. Ihavebeenindenialtoolong, tryingtogiveyouthebenefitofthedoubt, tryingtoprovemyselfandotherswrong.
No, he’s just busy No, he really is a good guy
Deepdownyoumightbebut youhaven’tshownmethat sideofyoufully, onlybitsandpieces andIheldontothosepiecesfortoolong. Doyouunderstandnow?
InescapableEscapeRoom
Shrinkinginmyroom, sinkingintomymattress, clothespilinguponthefloor.
Thesefourwalls,oncea warmandwelcomingabode, turnedintoanescaperoom.
Cluesscatteredaround, fallingfromtheceilingand landingonmylumpbeing.
Ican’tentertain theirpresencejustyet, notready
Youleftunexpectedly andIwasthrowninhere, nowarning,nocare.
HowlongwillI beherethistime?
Untietheselaces
I’mthepairofshoes thatyouneverwearnow butwon’tgetridof.
Why? Theyfitjustrightand providetheperfectsupport, neverhurtingyourfeet.
Why? Maybeyou’llpick thoseshoesoneday You’llwearthemand rememberwhyyoulikedthem.
I don’t want to be that pair of shoes.
VacantReality
Forgivemefor beingblunt. I’mlost,scared andafraid.
Therearedanger andwarningsigns everyturnItake. What’sgoingon?
I’mclingingforsome resemblanceofreality Hopingthatthis universeisabaddream.
Thisplacegivesme thecreepsandsends shiversalongmyspine. I’mnotsupposedtobehere.
Vacancyisallaround. Nooneelsetoembrace, tofigureouthowthehell togetoutofhere.
Forgivemefor beingblunt. Ihateithereand Iwantout.
SecretTraitor
nopersonshould makeyoufeellike yourworthis questionable you’reproudof howfaryou’vecome, thebattlesyou’veconquered, thepower whyisit onepersonmade youbelieveitwas allfornothing? whydoyou stillcarefor andabout thisperson? OH! youhavehope NEWSFLASH! hopecanturnintothe biggestbackstabber don’tfallfor thebullshit, standon business knowyourworth
ToughTwenties *Twenties - Giveon
Don’tgetmestarted Ipouredmyheartin
Ididn’tknow Ididn’tknowI’dbewastingmytime
It’sallgonedownthedrain MaybeIamhalftoblame
I’vealreadyspentenoughof mytwentiesonyou
Ispendmytime wonderingwhy
Iwasjustlearningyou IthoughtIwaslearningmyself
Timeisrunningout Spendingitindoubt
Soyoung anddumb
Mytimeishere Nolongerinfear
Letmegetstarted Mytwentieshavebarelydeparted
DanniConnisanopenlygaytransgendermanwhotakesvalueinwords,nature,andlife experiences.Hedoesnotshyawayfromtheuncomfortable,insteadheembracesitsohecan writeaboutitlater.Hehopestoreachpeoplewithhiswords,butalsowantsthemtoknowthat everythinginlifehappensforareasonandthatitisokaytoshareyourexperiences.Thisiswhat hedoesinhiswritingandwillcontinuetodo.