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Trauma and Gay Stuff
Poems about my trauma and my gay life!!
대니 2023 3
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Table of Contents: Part 1: Trauma 7 Father 8 Behind Smoke 10 It Lies 12 Charmers 14 Pretty Pink String 15 Hostage in my own Home 16 Where am I? 17 Naked and Exposed 18 Hopscotch 20 Part 2: Gay Stuff 23 What do you do 24 I was stupid to trust you 25 I don’t know what I actually miss 26 Lonely Love 27 You 28 Eyes 29 A Whole World 31 Author Bio: 33 Acknowledgements: 34 5
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Part 1: Trauma
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Father
Yourhandconnectedtomyneck. Mybreathwastakenfromme. Yourdignitywastakenfromyou.
Iwishthiswasaonetimething. Timewenton, bruisesformed, myknowledgeofyou waslongforgotten.
Iusedtobehappy whenyouwouldcomehome. Iwouldn’tevencarethatyourclothes reekedofcigarettesandalcohol.
Eventuallymyheartwouldstart racing.
Ididn’tknowwhatwasgoingtohappenwhenyouwouldwalkthrough thedoor Tremblestraveleddown myspine.
Iwasshakinganytimeyou walkedpast. WhenIcameout, youleft.
Iblamedmyselfforyears. Nowthatyearshavepassed. Inolongerblamemyself. Iblameyou.
Travis. Younevertriedtoknowme. Youneverapologized. Younever acted like afather
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Momraisedme.
Shetaughtmeeverythingyoushouldhave. Themainthingshetaughtmewastonevertrust amanlikeyou.
TothemanIusedtocall Dad.
Idon’tneedyou anymore.
Idon’tthink Ieverdid.
Lastly, Iwillbemoreofmanthanyou willeverbe.
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Behind Smoke
Mymemoriesaresuffocating insmoke.
Lipstakingin thesmoke& anykindofliquor. Traveling
throughmybody, doingalotmore thanmakingmy bodyfeelfuzzy.
Ididn’tseeaproblem atfirst.
ActuallyIhadalotof problems thatI didn’t wantto see.
Drugsandalcohol helpedme notsee.
Theymademelaugh. Ididnothave tothink.
Myonlythoughtwas “Whenismynexthit?” or
“Whenismynextsip?”
Nothingelsemattered. Thenthepanicattacks and blackoutsstarted.
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Itwastimetostop. Itwastimetoget sober.
SomethingIdidn’tthink waspossible, butIdidit.
Itisgreatandall, butmymemories arestillsuffocating.
Icannotrememberwhathappened.
People’sexplanationsandvideosofme don’ttriggerwhatit shouldinmybrain.
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It Lies
Hopeisafilthyfuckingliar. Allitdoesissetyouup fordisappointmentsanddefeat.
Youputallyourenergyintohope. Hopingthathopewillactuallywork.
Youendupbeaten andbruised. Beggingforhopetocome saveyou. Itsaidtoyou I will always have your back Turnsouthopewas theonestabbingyouinit
S l o w l y d r a i n i n g all y o u r e n e r g y 12
Watchingyoushatter topieceslike b o e r k n g a s l s 13
Charmers
thejoyyoubringmeisunmatchable wheni’mlisteningtoyou, idon’tfeelsoalone.
thesoundofyourvoices makesmysouldance.
ithasn’tbeenlong, butifeellike
ihaveknownyoumywholelife
iwishiwouldhavemetyousooner everythingwouldhavebeensomucheasier
youaremycharmer youmakemefeelalive. youmakemestay.
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Pretty Pink String
Prettypinkstring flowingdailywiththese thoughts, urges,and thingscalledneurons.
They’realways causingthestupid pinkstringto gettangledup.
ThenI’mexpectedto detanglethehecticmess theymade.
Prettypink damaged string.
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Mychestis ahostage
Breathingshouldn’t bethishard
Myhomedoesn’t feellikehomeanymore
I’mconfinedinmyownbody heldbehindcompressedmaterial
Ihavetodothis
IfIdon’t,thatshe-devil willbeknockingonmydamndoor
Ihatedoingthis.
Ihate having todothis.
Noneofitisfair
Ididn’taskforthis. Whowouldaskforthis? Ihatehavingtobasically“create”myself.
Whydoesithavetobethisway?
Hostage in my own Home
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Where am I?
Findingmyselfwasthehardestjourney AndIstilldon’tthinkit’sover Idon’tthinkiteverwillbe
BeingyoungIneverfitinwiththefemales,butI neverfullyfitinwiththemaleseither Ididn’tfitinanywhere
YoueventoldmeIwouldneverfitin
Ichosetheeasywayout Beingbymyself
Itwasn’teasyatall
Ifoughtwithmythoughtsdaily AMMAfightthatneverends
Theyalwaysendedupontop AndIwasknockeddownfurtherfromwhereIstarted
Theyreceivedthewinningtitle Iwasleftwithcutsandbruises
NooneunderstoodhowIfeltwhenIspoke myfeelingsoutloud Istoppedtalkingaltogether
OnethingleadtoanotherandbeforeIknewit Ididn’tcareaboutanyoneoranything Nothingreallyaffectedmeanymore
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“Danni,youseemdifferent”
Naked and Exposed
I’mstandinghere. Everythingislaidout.
Nosecrets arehidingfromyou.
Mylumps exposed. Myscars exposed.
Youcanseeitall.
Mycouragedoesn’t mattertoyouthough.
Myfragilityis ajoketoyou.
Youarestill addingmorecracks
tothisalready brokencanvas.
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Hopscotch
Chalkwasnotonmylist, butwhenIpassedbyitinthestore allIcouldthinkaboutwasmychildhood.
Itwasn’tallthatgreat, butwhenwedrewhopscotchonthepavement Iknewitwasgoingtobeafunday.
Numbersallthewayupto10. Bouncingfrom1foottoanother. Laughsfillingtheneighborhood. Sweatrollingdownourbacks.
Wewouldwriteswearwords thinkingwewerethecoolestkids ontheblock. Butthenwewouldcrossthemout somomwouldneverknow
Thedaywouldbeover, butthememoriesstayed writtenineverycolor
Themorningcame andeverythingwasgone. Ithadrainedduringthenight.
Igrabbedthechalk andwalkedtotheregister.
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Part 2: Gay Stuff
What do you do
whenyoufindoutyoulovesomeone?
Doyoutellthem? Or Doyounot?
Whatifit'sapersonwho’sdifferentfromyourfamily'slovers?
Whatiftheyarethesamesexasyou?
Howdoyoutellpeople?
Whatwilltheysay?
Doyoureallycare?
Whydoesitmatterwhoyoulove?
Whatmattersisthatyou’rehappy
Right?
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I was stupid to trust you
Givingyouasecondchance, TheseconddumbestthingI haveeverdone.
Youliedtome Again. Eachtimeyouleft Apieceofmytrust wouldleavewithyou.
Now,becauseofyou, Mytrustinheldcaptive withnowayout.
Noway tofreedom.
Youdidthistome and Ican’tfindtheenergy topickupandpieces Again.
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I don’t know what I actually miss IsityouImiss?
Idon’tactuallyknow MaybeImiss thewayourbodiesmeltedtogether.MaybeImiss thesoundofyourinfectiouslaugh.MaybeImiss youcarryingmewhenI’dsaymyfeethurt.
Tensionthrivingthroughouttime. ClosertotheendandIjustknew youwerenolongermeanttobemine.
Iknowyoucaredaboutme.Butyourcarecouldn’tcompare tothecareIsodesperatelycraved.Youtriedand Ienvyyouforthat.
Imightmissyou.
Awakeatawful hoursofthenight.Thinkingaboutwhatwe wouldhavebeendoingduringthesehours.I fadefasttowardssleepknowing nothing.
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Lonely Love
Nevertheoneto experiencelove.
Alwayslostinthedark. Everypathisa deadend.
Everyhopecrushedby rejection.
You’realone. Noonetotalkto. Noonetoholdyou.
Youwriteinstead. Thinkinggettingitout willmakeyou feelbetter
Inrealityitmakesyou feelworseaboutyourself. Itmakesyoufeel evenmorelonely.
Whatisthislove experienceeveryoneis experiencing?
Andhowdoyougetthat experience?
Whenwillthelonelinessstop?
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ThesmellofRedPolocologne lingersonmysweatshirt.
Ithasspunaroundthousands oftimesinthewasher.
Ihavetriedtoescapeyou, butyourpresenceiseverywhere.
amemoryofyoufloods itswayintomysights.
Theoneyoualways likedtowear.
Butithasonlyforged yoursmelldeeper
EverycornerIturn inmyhome
Atsunami thatneverends.
HowdoIescapeyou
wheneverything remindsmeofyou?
You
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Eyes
Ifyouopenyoureyes, youwouldseeI’mrighthere.
Ifyoutrulycared, youwouldopenthemandlookatme.
Iflifewereeasy, Iwouldn’thavetobegyoutoseeme.
Iflifehadamanual, youwouldn’tbeabletoreaditclearly
Whenmyeyesareopen youarenowheretobeseen.
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A Whole World
YouhavenoideahowlongIhavebeenwaitingforthisday.
Ipackedmybagsanddidn’tlookback. Youngermewouldbesoproud. Youarefinallydoingit. Danniyouareseeingtheworld.
Mom, thisisn’tgoodbye. Iwouldneverleaveyoubehindon purpose. ButIcannotstayinaplacethatdoesn’tacceptme. Aplacethatwantstotakemyrightsaway.
Ihavetofindmyplace. Thereissomuchformetosee. Somanyplacesformetoexplore. Myhomehastobeouttheresomewhere.
Shelby, Ican’twaittotellyouallaboutit. Ican’twaitforyoutoseetheworld. Myjourneyandyourjourney arejustbeginning.
Nowitistime.
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Author Bio:
DanniConnisanopenlygaytransmalewhohasamassiveobsessionwithK-pop,mainly StrayKids,andhewantstotraveltoprettymuchalltheAsiancountries.Heisactuallygoingto bestudyingabroadinSouthKoreaforhis2024Springsemester Incaseyouarecurious,his StrayKidsbiasisHyunjin.Asidefromhismassiveobsession,heisanEnglishCreativeWriting majorandhasaconcentrationinTeachingEnglishlanguagelearnersattheUniversityof Indianapolis.DuringhisfreetimehespendsalotofhistimestudyingtheKoreanlanguage.His plansaftercollegearetoteachEnglishlearnersindifferentcountrieswhilealsocontinuinghis writingcareerandensuringthathisK-popcollectiongrows.Oneofhisbiggestdreamsisto obviouslyliveandworkinadifferentcountry,butbiggerthanthatistogotoaStrayKids concert.
#Stay#StrayKidsEverywhereAllAroundTheWorld#YouMakeStrayKidsStay
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Acknowledgments:
AhugethankstoCambelCastlefordrawingthecoverofthischapbookforme.Iamso notanartistandIhadnoideawhatIwasgoingtodoformycover Let’sjustsayitdefinitely paystohavefriendswhocandraw IabsolutelylovewhatshedrewandshedidexactlywhatI wanted/askedfor CherryBlossomsaresobeautifulandIlovethemdearly
ThankyoueveryonewhoisinPoetryWorkshopclass.Youallhavehelpedmedecide whatmypoemsweremissingandwhatIcouldaddtothem.Withoutyourfeedbackthesepoems quitehonestlywouldn’thavebeentouchedagain.Iamtrulyhappywithhowallthepoems turnedout.Theclasshasdefinitelymademefeelmoreconfidentinmypoetry.
ThankyouProfessorViceforbeingoneofthebestprofessorsinthegame.Ilooked forwardtocomingtoyourclassbecauseeachdaywasalwaysasurpriseandjustfullof interestingconversations.Alsothankyouforputtingupwithmejustwalkingintotheroomand speakingKoreanandconstantlytalkingabouthowIwanttoleavethecountry
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