Fostering hope and healing: Local couple shares journey to becoming a forever family

LIFE

Monday, April 23, 2018 The Forum Section B More than 1,500 children are in foster care throughout the state of North Dakota on a daily basis, according to the N.D. Department of Human Services. In Minnesota, that number was 9,400 in 2016.

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Fostering

hopeand healing

Local couple shares journey to becoming a forever family Editor’s note: In this story, the names of the family members have been changed and their last name omitted to protect their identity due to the criminal case associated with the child.

By Danielle Teigen danielle.teigen @forumcomm.com Moorhead n a sunny Friday afternoon, two small children run around Pam and Luke’s modest home. A 4-yearold boy named Jake wears a Spiderman costume, and he’s intrigued, if a little shy, by the visitor to his home.

Pam and Luke are his adoptive parents, and the path that led them all to become a family is one fraught with legal issues, medical trauma, innumerable questions and an unlimited amount of love.

They are foster parents, and this is their story.

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*** At any given moment in time, more than 1,500 children are in foster care throughout the state of North Dakota, according to Dean Sturn, state foster care administrator for the N.D. Department of Human Services. In Minnesota, that number was 9,400 in 2016, according the Department of Human Services.

But the number of foster parents available to intercede for those children in need – whether it’s for one week or one month or one year – is much lower.

For Pam and Luke, foster care emerged as an option once they realized they wouldn’t be able to add

more children to a family that already included a biological daughter. They had relatives who had adopted from the Minnesota foster care system, and they were inspired.

But becoming foster parents didn’t happen overnight.

“It’s a long process, and you feel like…” Pam, 37, shares, her voice trailing off. “They know everything about you … It’s not for the faint of heart, but it’s well worth the wait.”

Once all the background checks and interviews and stacks of paperwork were done, Pam and Luke had their first placement within a month, more than five years ago.

“It’s crazy – you pick up this baby, and we had no idea what we were getting into,” she remembers. “You can do all the classes, but nothing can prepare you for a baby that won’t stop crying.”

Pam and Luke share that, back then, they had rules and boundaries for what they expected from their foster care parenting experience. That all went out the window almost immediately.

“Social Services calls and they describe what they know, but often, they don’t have full knowledge of the situation,” Luke, 39, explains.

He describes a placement in which the child was described to them as being much younger than she actually was, but they couldn’t say no once they’d agreed to take her in. She stayed for a while but, in the end, Pam and Luke couldn’t

provide her with the home she needed.

“You don’t want to say, ‘This isn’t the right home,’ ” Pam says.

But they did. *** Sometimes, children entering the foster care system have extreme medical needs – they’re deemed medically fragile or terminally ill, says Sara Stallman, a licensed independent clinical social worker and director of Abound Counseling, a program run by Lutheran Social Services. She’s also a foster parent herself and a licensed trauma counselor.

She said foster parents can become trained to serve children with medical needs, and Pam and Luke did that.

That’s why they got the call a little more than four years ago that changed their lives.

And the life of a little boy in desperate need of so much more than just a safe home.

A relative had brought him to the emergency room after he wouldn’t stop crying, and medical staff immediately recognized signs of abuse. He was diagnosed with a severe brain injury and failure to thrive (FTT), a condition associated with insufficient growth measurements due to food or eating issues. He was 5 months old and barely weighed 9 pounds.

“The case manager called and said, ‘There’s a little boy, and he’s probably not going to make it,’ ” Pam says, her voice breaking at the memory. “We asked if we could meet him before

we agreed to take him home.”

Due to complicated schedules with work and other children at home, Pam ended up driving to the hospital in Sioux Falls by herself. She walked into the room, made eye contact with the baby and fell in love immediately.

“I had an instant connection with him,” Pam says. For hours, she sat in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) holding and rocking Jake.

One of the NICU nurses said Jake was the most content and ate the most he had since coming to the hospital during that time with Pam. But an instant connection didn’t mean Jake’s medical issues instantly vanished.

Quite the opposite. *** Looking back, Luke says he and his wife didn’t fully comprehend Jake’s medical condition.

“We were blind to it,” he recalls. “He was on death’s doorstep. We see it now, but then, all I saw was a sweet little boy who needs help.”

After several days in the NICU, Jake was released into Pam and Luke’s custody, but only after extensive instruction on how to properly care for the sick baby.

Many thought he wouldn’t make it. One doctor, Pam recalls, said Jake should be placed in an institution.

But Pam and Luke knew he needed love and a good home.

The reality of the medical trauma finally sunk in when

the neurosurgeon showed them Jake’s brain scans.

“We felt sick to our stomach,” Pam says.

“They said he would never walk, never talk, I’d be his caretaker 24 hours a day, that he’d always be tubefed, blind and deaf…”

She stops and looks at the open scrapbook nearby with pictures of Jake as that injured infant.

“The caseworker told us later she thought she was sending a baby home with us to die,” Pam finally says.

It was a grim diagnosis, but Pam and Luke didn’t give up.

And neither did Jake.

The doctors in Sioux Falls helped set up appointments with specialists and therapists in Fargo, and Pam faithfully took Jake to appointments three days a week. Little by little, he made improvements, like learning how to suck and swallow.

“I can’t give my wife enough kudos,” Luke says. “It was so amazing.

Everybody was here for Jake and wanted to see him succeed.” *** The past four years have been tough, watching Jake make major improvements only to have another medical setback, like additional hospital stays or increased cranial pressure that disrupted his progress.

And, not only were they dealing with medical issues, Pam and Luke were also dealing with setbacks regarding the criminal case surrounding Jake as well as custody issues.

FOSTERING: Page B4

Disruption, transformation require resources I read an article recently that had me standing up and shouting, “Yes!” over and over and over again.

In his article, “Hey, you want nonprofits to act more like businesses?

Then treat us like businesses,” author Vu Le notes with delightful snark that if he hears one more keynote speaker admonish the nonprofit sector to “think more like a business,” his eyes might pop out of their sockets.

This idea that nonprofits should be more like businesses works well in many cases … until it doesn’t.

Should we take risks

DAYNA

DEL VAL The Arts Partnership

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in the nonprofit sector?

Should we hire, at a minimum, competent staff, and enough of them while we’re at it? Should we be creating and acting on strategic plans? Should we strive to actually make money?

The answer to each of those questions is a definitive YES. When was the last time you heard a business leader ponder whether she or he should pay

market rate salaries or provide benefits to fulltime staff? Have you sat at board meetings where the conversation turned to ways to look like you didn’t make any money this year because of the negative perception from “investors”?

I’d love to meet the CEO who says, “This year, we’re going to play it safe. We’re not going to invest in anything new because it might not pay off. And we certainly can’t think big — there’s danger in thinking big because, what if it doesn’t work?”

Consider the staggering number of startups that receive incredible

amounts of funding from investors.

According to Bloomberg, 8 out of 10 startups fail. There are a lot of reasons, but that’s a phenomenal failure rate. And yet the money invested in startups continues to be in the billions.

In the article “Seed funding slows in Silicon Valley,” Stanford University professor and entrepreneur Steve Blank notes, “The reason why startups are disrupting companies in the 21st century is not because they are smarter. It’s because they have capital to do so.”

Having the capital to

disrupt the system is the key to everything, for both for-profits and nonprofits.

In the nonprofit world, we are most often working to do more with less, but more with less doesn’t grow anything. It doesn’t spark audacious, transformative, disruptive change. And isn’t that what we in the nonprofit sector are really all about?

We can’t hold nonprofits to business standards but provide none of the resources and allowances that are the key to making business successful. To quote Mr. Le, “You can’t have your nonprofit cake and yet withhold your forprofit icing.”

Do we want to

audaciously disrupt and transform critical and creative thinking through arts engagement, homelessness, mental and physical health issues, attraction and retention of employees, the brain drain of rural America, racial and cultural divides and so many other issues?

Or do we simply want to struggle to make ends meet and do the very best we can as our resources dwindle to nothing?

I know what my answer is, and I hope it’s your answer, too.

Dayna Del Val is president and CEO of The Arts Partnership. For more information on the arts, go to http:// theartspartnership.net.

LIFE

B4 Monday, April 23, 2018

The Forum

Night owls might face more health issues and early

By Alison Bowen Chicago Tribune (TNS) Bad news, night owls.

Evening types have a 10 percent higher risk of dying than those up and at ‘em in the morning, according to a new study from Northwestern Medicine and the United Kingdom’s University of Surrey.

“This is the first study, to our knowledge, that was able to look at mortality risk,” said Kristen Knutson, an associate professor of neurology and sleep researcher at Northwestern.

Night owls have a harder time switching to daylight saving time and are more likely to suffer from diabetes and psychological and neurological disorders, she said.

Researchers surveyed 433,268 participants, ages 38 to 73, in the U.K., asking whether they con-

sidered themselves a “definite morning type,” “moderate morning type,” “moderate evening type” or “definite evening type.” Then researchers tracked deaths within the sample.

The study, published April 12 in the Chronobiology International journal, found that the 50,000 people who identified as definite night owls were more likely to die in the 6½ years researchers followed them.

“It’s really important to get the message out to the night owls that there might be health consequences, and they should make an effort to be vigilant,” Knutson said.

But she said the problem isn’t necessarily what the study calls “increased eveningness,” but living in a society with schedules that don’t welcome this. For example, being forced to get up earli-

er than your body clock prefers, “and then going back to night owl times on your days off or weekend,” she said. “This jumping around the clock and the mismatch chronically is what really could lead to health problems.”

She suggests limiting evening activities and going to bed earlier, gradually.

“And I emphasize gradually because you can’t suddenly go to bed three hours earlier,” she said.

She noted results are based on a single survey question, so researchers do not know exactly when participants went to sleep or how often sleep schedules were jumping around.

She and co-author Malcolm von Schantz, a University of Surrey professor who also researches sleep and circadian rhythms, note the increased likelihood of death could be

Dreamstime

Where do you fall on the spectrum of “definite morning type” to “definite evening type”?

It might be a clue about your mortality. the result of many factors, including behaviors that can potentially accompany late nights — eating at irregular times, not exercising or sleeping

She said future research might include testing how well it works to try to get night owls to become larks, those who go to bed early and rise with the sun.

enough, or using drugs and alcohol.

“It could include just having a less healthy lifestyle because they’re up at night,” Knutson said.

Playing along Snakey Creek in Moorhead N

eighbors once carried the memories of Mike O’Day, Dilworth, who used to play with his pals along Snakey Creek, which runs through north Moorhead.

Mike also told of the two brothers who kids called the “Bee Men” because they had a large number of beehives at what Mike called their “shack.”

That brought a response from Patty (Johnson) Nelson, 63, who is a lifelong Moorhead resident.

“What a great memory from Mike O’Day about Snakey Creek,” Patty wrote. “Growing up in north Moorhead, my friends and I, too, would go over around the creek. I

FOSTERING From Page B1

“So much of the process is out of your hands,” Luke says.

Pam admits she’s struggled with that knowledge. But she gives her husband credit for keeping her focused on what matters – the child involved.

Pam did meet with Jakes’s biological mother, and she recalls how amazing the experience was.

“She was very broken, but she didn’t choose her own situation either,” she says. “She took ownership of what happened … she didn’t have her rights taken away; she recognized that (Jake) deserved more than what

BOB

LIND Neighbors

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remember all the crawfish in that creek.

“And the Bee Men place.

It was an old shack, and we always wondered where they (the brothers) went in the cold of winter. They must have been the first ‘snow birds’ in the area.

“It was kind of eerie around that old shack,” Patty says.

“I think of my childhood every time I drive by there.”

she could provide.”

Stallman says these “goodbye visits” have been noted as an important component of the healing process for everyone involved. The visit can also offer a new perspective and honor the love surrounding a child.

“We can worry about meeting monsters, after hearing what has happened to children in care,” Stallman says. “But this parent was so brave, and she wanted so much more for her son.”

The adoption process can be equally emotionally challenging, because it also into account extended relatives and siblings involved. When Pam and Luke finally got word that they had been selected

How to become a foster parent

While each state has its own requirements to become a licensed foster parent, the process generally takes shape through these steps: ► Contact the local agency in your county. ► Complete an application, online or on paper. ► Participate in a background check. ► Allow your home to be visited and checked. ► Receive a license. ► Participate in training sessions.

Foster parents may be single, married, with or without children, renters or homeowners. Foster parents are provided with monthly payment for their service to the children in their care. Agencies and case managers can offer mental health,

Well, Patty was right; the “Bee Men” were snow birds, according to Olav Laugeness, Moorhead.

“I lived across the street from the beekeepers when I was a kid,” Olav writes. In fact, he says, “I still live in the house my parents built in 1959.

“When the beekeepers came back from Florida, my mother and I would visit with the brothers.

“Early in the morning, one of the brothers would check on his bees. As he was checking them, he would talk to God in a real loud voice about everything including his brother and politics and just loving and trusting God.

to adopt Jake, they were overjoyed.

“You know the world was against you to adopt this kid … what a humbling experience,” Pam says. *** Pam and Luke say a combination of faith, family and community made Jake’s adoption possible, and they both point to their biological daughter, Alex, as a critical member in the decision-making process the whole way.

“She was an only kid for 10 years,” Pam says.

“We don’t know if any other kid would have handled it as well as she did.”

Luke points out that Alex has been incredibly helpful and involved,

educational and medical services for individual children in a foster home.

Stallman says that in addition to needing more foster parents, there is also an immediate need for respite care.

These providers are licensed through the same process but open their homes for short time periods, like a day or weekend each month.

Stallman, who is a foster parent, likened respite care providers to “aunts” and “uncles” who can offer families a short break. Plus, being a respite care provider is a way to experience the world of foster care without a full-time commitment.

Respite care providers also receive a stipend.

For more information, visit nd.gov/dhs or mn.gov/dhs.

Foster parents may be single, married, with or without children, renters or homeowners.

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“I still think of them often,” Olav says. “I have a picture in my mind of what their house looked like outside, as their floor was dirt, and they believed in living close to God in a simple way.

“They would leave in the fall with their Model As and come back in the spring. Every spring I looked forward to them coming back, as the bees were out of control until they came back.

“I also remember Snakey Creek,” Olav says. “We caught crayfish, built a fort in the tree, went sledding, played army and cowboys and walked near the creek from 15th Avenue to the sugar beet factory.

learning how to help medically when Jake first came home.

They realize now that Alex has seen firsthand that the world doesn’t revolve around her and that life isn’t perfect, but it sure can be beautiful.

“The easiest part (of being foster parents) is loving the kids,” Luke says. “The hardest part is what comes with them, and that’s magnified due to decisions that are not your own, and you’re working with the effects of that.”

But, they say, being a foster parent doesn’t require some superhuman strength.

“I remember when 15th Avenue was a gravel road, and I used to hit rocks from it with a wooden baseball bat.

“Our house was the first one built in the area, but now 15th Avenue is a very busy avenue, not safe for my grandchildren to play near as I did when I was their age. That makes me sad, but that is life as the world changes, and not always for the best.

“At times,” Olav says, “I crave those years as a boy growing up on 15th Avenue North.”

If you have an item of interest for this column, mail it to Neighbors, The Forum, Box 2020, Fargo, ND 58107, fax it to 241-5487 or email blind@forumcomm.com.

their first placements and with Jake, would they still do this if they had known what was to come?

They pause. And look at each other. And at the two children who’ve come back into the room, clambering into the safe and welcoming laps they offer.

“We’ve talked for years about how we were not prepared to do this, and that the possibility of loss was too much,” Luke says, “but it’s worth it.”

“I am not anything special,” Pam says.

“There’s nothing better in me than in anyone else … but if pain and loss are going to be part of their story, I will suffer pain and loss in order to give them the love they need … whether we have them for 1 month or 3 years or 5 years, I will invest in their life for that amount and know that we did what we could. We have love to give, so let’s give it.”

Knowing everything they’ve been through with

Readers can reach features editor Danielle Teigen at (701) 451-5709.

OB J NEWINGS N OPE RY H Q . C O M E V E S DED . J O B

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