King Harvey and the Alien who wasn't and Alien

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This book is a work of fiction. The characters, incidents, and dialogue are products of the author’s imagination, and any resemblance to actual events or persons, living or dead, is coincidental.

Copyright Š 2016 Gary Compton Published by Shy Bairns (Tickety Boo Press) www.ticketyboopress.co.uk/shybairns Edited by Psymon Marshall Copy-edited by Kit Meadors Cover and all illustrations by Gary Compton Book Design by Garcom Media. www.garcom.co.uk Join the discussion at www.danglebelly.com

King Harvey and the Alien who wasn’t an Alien by Gary Compton Basset Chronicles Book Two Full colour paperbacks, hardbacks, jacketed hardbacks available at: www.danglebelly.com

The Basset Chronicles

CHAPTER

ONE

An Unexpected Journey into a World of Fluffiness begins.

aptain Zhong watched his planet — his square planet — disappear into the distance as his ship flarped out of the Cuboid Galaxy.

Everything in the system was square — planets, asteroids, even the wheel his ancestors had invented — not a curve in sight apart from the aerodynamic ship he was captaining and his rotund, podgy round belly.

“Somewhere out there,” Captain Zhong gestured with his hand.

“It’s been a long day, First Officer Zhang. I am retiring to my quarters to attend to some paperwork...”

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“More like feeding his fat face,” the AI said, sarcastically.

Captain Zhong twisted his lips in disgust. “Unless a galactic war breaks out, or we get attacked by giant octo-aliens I do not wish to be disturbed — clear?”

“As a bell, sir,” Zhang agreed.

Captain Zhong remained seated on his captain’s chair.

“Helmsman, take the ship to flarp factor eight and set our course to...” he paused and studied a holographic map. “This solar system thingy, here”

The AI raised its virtual eyebrows. “Thingy?” it said. “A poor choice of words from a man of knowledge and greater intellect than us mere mortals. Could I suggest Captain Zhong is as thick as his belly, his extremely large and round belly.”

“Could I remind you that you aren’t mortal, but are in fact a pile of rusty old transistors and circuits cobbled together into an excuse for what they said was groundbreaking Artificial Intelligence Intelligence.”

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“Set the course, helmsman, I am retiring to my quarters.”

A whoosh filled the bridge and the ship left the Cuboid system on a discovery mission to totally uncharted space. *** After travelling halfway across the known galaxy, Captain Zhong appeared on the bridge. After a packet of choco-squares and a little nap the captain felt ready for the day ahead. “Everything okay?” he asked, chocolate crumbs still peppering his tunic.

“Yes,” one of his crew told him.

“Excellent.”

Suddenly alarms warbled and the AI’s eyes flashed red. The computer repeated its warning over and over again.

“Red alert!”

“Red alert!”

“How can I take evasive action when the engine has blown into a million pieces?”

Captain Zhong shook his head in disbelief. “Oh right, well I suggest you fix it.”

“Captain Fivebellies, I can’t fix something that has been mostly sucked into the vacuum

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of space. There are several planets ahead. I suggest we land on one but the prognosis is not good.”

“Okay, then come up with a workaround and quickly.” The captained sneered in disgust at the AI’s insubordination. He turned to look at his crew, his brothers - First Officer Zhang and head engineer Lieutenant Zhing.

“Will try my best Captain Chubby Cheeks but I’m right out of rubber bands at the moment,” the AI said, sarcastically.

Captain Zhong’s two brothers laughed.

“What do you find funny?”

The first officer zipped his mouth shut. He’d programmed the artificial intelligence unit and had thought it would be good to add a humour chip.

“Round... what a strange anomaly!”

“Captain,” the AI started. “This is Earth. The sentient beings are supposed to be friendly even though they’re a little bit… well... err... fluffy.”

“Fluffy!” the Captain said tersely.

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“Apparently our probe has advised that the previous dominant species upped and left after ruining the planet. A horde of fluffiness swept into power and someone called King Harvey took charge.”

“Okay then so just in case the pile of crappy old resistors known as the AI can’t fix our engine,” the captain noted, “head to Earth helmsman.”

“I resemble that remark,” the computer said, a metallic giggle emanating from its speakers.

Another whoooosh filled the bridge. Captain Zhong tried to speak but the boost from number two engine was too loud.

“We are heading to Earth, estimated arrival – two hours twenty three minutes and fifteen seconds,” said the AI. “Copy that,” First Officer Zhang said.

“I’m going to grab a nice cup of Square Blend to contemplate my next move,” the captain announced.

“A coffee now!” the AI said sarcastically. “You’ve just stuffed your face, had a nap and put your feet up! Are you part—time, captain?”

“No I haven’t,” the captain said, tersely.

“The clue is in my name ‘AI’ because I have access to all systems, including cabin monitors!”

The captain swallowed embarrassingly and left the bridge.

A short time later, Zhong returned. The Earth loomed large on the view screen. He dusted more crumbs off the front of his tunic, this time square potato puffs covered his tunic. “Status report?”

“Sir,” First Officer Zhang started. “The AI has stabilised the engine imbalance and we have some control of the ship but we must land to make repairs.”

“Excellent,” the captain said, sitting down in his chair as warnings continued to fill the bridge.

“Landing co-ordinates,” the AI requested.

Captain Zhong waved his hand toward the screen. “Over there somewhere,” he ordered. Zhing and Zhang rolled their eyes as the ship banked to starboard.

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“Shields up,” Captain Zhong commanded.

The alien ship hit Earth’s atmosphere, and rocked around in the turbulence. A miasma of glowing metal came from the shattered engine and left a trail behind it as the ship descended.

“We have exited the ozone layer and we are slowing to acceptable levels, your podginess!” the AI said.

Captain Zhong crossed his legs and tutted. Suddenly a clank came from number two engine. His eyes widened. “What’s happening?”

The AI’s eyes flashed red. “Engine two has overheated, we have no choice other than to crash land.”

Captain Zhong studied onscreen pictures of the mountains ahead of him. The ship flew close to the treetops of Bracken Woods. “Prepare for emergency descent,” he ordered.

The AI’s warning continued on the bridge. Lieutenant Zhing, head engineer, furiously tapped data into the keyboard of his console. “Sir, there’s an area at the centre of the copse ahead, we could land there.”

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“Do it!” the captain said, strapping himself into his chair.

“Surprised that still fits, Captain Twelve Bellies?” the AI observed.

Captain Zhong shook his head in annoyance; Zhing and Zhang chuckled quietly.

“Prepare for impact...”

The alien vessel clipped the treetops and crashed into the soft earth of the forest floor. The three alien brothers rattled around the bridge like three walnuts in a jar. After coming to rest there was silence on the bridge.

The ship lay at an angle; a muffled voice came from the pile of bodies in the corner. “Scan the area for lifeforms,” the captain ordered as he clambered from underneath his brothers.

“There appears to be a grouping of the sentient wobblinesses close by,” AI advised.

Captain Zhong held his chins. “Prepare to investigate.”

“Captain, the inhabitants of this planet appear to be frightened of little green men, so I suggest we set the spacesuit hue to green,” the AI said.

“Yes, excellent idea!” ***

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A couple of hours earlier, King Harvey had waddled down to Bracken Woods with the royal princes and princesses following behind him. “Heigh ho, heigh ho, it’s off on a waddle we go!” he sang as he felt excited about the trip.

The oldest of the royal puppies interrupted the king’s fine tune.“Are we going camping?” he asked, excitedly.

“Indeed we are,” the King boomed.

King Harvey was on a high as Professor Magoo was now back working in the dogdom’s chocoboratory. He still waited for news from Prince Smurphy Murphy as to whether a supply of chocolate mushroom seeds had been secured and only then would the king be able to relax fully but at least he had the short term supply that had been brought back by the Professor, Zeus and Maximillion.

The royal group fought their way through the bracken; of course it wouldn’t be appropriate for the King to carry his own luggage so three of his dogservants followed behind him.

Suddenly flapping echoed around the copse’s canopy. The two mail pigeons landed on a nearby tree. King Harvey fixed his gaze on them. “I hope you have good news for me?”

Wayne Pigeon swallowed nervously. “Prince Smurphy Murphy sends his love, your eminence. After a fierce battle with the Afghans, a truce was called. Agreements were made and access granted to their chocolate mushroom forests. The mission has been a success!” the pigeon recounted.

“That’s splendid!”

Wayne continued. “The Basset army is now en-route to Basset Town with chocolate mushrooms and the seeds but progress is slow. I will keep you informed.”

A round of applause broke out from the dogservants. King Harvey allowed himself a small smile.

“I’d like to thank you and Barry for your hard work. On the bird-table back at Wiggly-Bum Palace, there is a feast of berries and a jug of spring water from the Font of Eternal Wobbliness.

You deserve it.” The king bowed to his pigeons. Wayne and Barry’s eyes nearly popped out of their heads.

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“This is the greatest honour a pigeon could ever receive your highness,” Barry cooed.

“It’s the least I can do.”

Both birds fluttered into the air and disappeared from sight. King Harvey swept his gaze around the forest.

“Darkness is falling so we need to make camp.”

Claude de la Stinkybreath approached the monarch.“There’s a clearing ahead. I can send the dogservants to prepare a fire and the royal tents.”

King Harvey smiled. “See to it.”

A short time later the royal group arrived at the camp. Claude already had a pot of vegetable and garlic stew bubbling away on the fire. The smell wafted in front of the King’s nose. “I love the smell of outdoor cooking,” he mused.

The princes and princesses chased each other around the camp, playing, jumping on and off a fallen log, rolling in fox poo, and eating acorns from beneath the old oak tree. Suddenly, a roar from above interrupted the fun. King Harvey watched a round disk descending out of the clouds with smoke and debris trailing behind it.

A clattering of metal hit the treetops, echoing around the copse like thunder. The disk embedded itself in the forest floor with a loud THUMP! “What in God’s name is that?” he said aloud.

Hush descended on the woods...

A few minutes later the noise of a door opening: Psssshhhhh!

Purssshhhhh! broke the silence.

King Harvey squinted. Was he seeing things?

Three little green men appeared out of the early morning mist. “Helloooo...” a voice shouted

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as the strangers stood in front of the crashed ship.

King Harvey stepped back, holding his family behind him.

The royal bodyguards revealed themselves from their hidey-holes around the camp. They drew their daggers and stood in front of the king. “Who goes there?” one of them said.

The royal siblings and the bodyguards looked at the King, expectantly.

King Harvey shrugged his shoulders. “Run for your lives!” he shouted. The dogservants grabbed what they could and the group ran from the copse as fast as their little legs would allow. *** Next day King Harvey summoned the remaining military hierarchy who hadn’t accompanied Prince Smurphy-Murphy on the chocolate mushroom crusade to the palace.

They’d looked at the evidence, studied witness statements from the dogservants, and canvassed opinions from the royal bodyguards. King Harvey had concluded the dogdom was being invaded by aliens.

“In view of the Basset army being away I think we have no choice but to reactivate the Basset Homeguard,” King Harvey started.

“General Archie Basset — could you put a callout to Basset exsoldiers and special forces please? I cannot allow the citizens of Basset Town to be put in any danger by this threat!”

The General nodded. “I shall, your royal highness and I’ll also convene a strategy meeting for tomorrow night at Professor Magoo’s Mill — he has a large room and the property is secluded and won’t draw any unwanted attention.”

“That’s excellent, these travellers from outer space could be watching us,” King Harvey said, worriedly.

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CHAPTER TWO

rince Smurphy Murphy studied a map. “Are we going the right way, Grumps?”

“I’m not sure, I don’t recognise the area. Perhaps we’ve taken a wrong turn? Let me have a look from above.” The Grumpy Dragon flapped her wings and soared into the sky.

Bruce piped up. “This forest is one I’ve never visited before either and I’ve been to most,” he said. “The vegetation appears to be bordering on tropical.”

General Buzz-Fuzz and a group of soldiers continued to cut through the bracken with machetes. Their wagons were full of chocolate mushrooms and their spores and needed a wide track to get through.

“Sir,” the general shouted. “I think there could be a problem!”

The Prince pushed himself past the overgrowth and stood next to General Buzz-Fuzz. A huge edifice of granite rose in front of them and went up as far as the eye could see.

“We’ll never get our wagons up there!”

General Buzz-Fuzz nodded in agreement.

Simultaneously, the Grumpy Dragon came back from her recce.

“There’s a loch over the ridge but strangely there’s a huge whirlpool at its centre. I couldn’t see where it led but the loch seems to drain down it like water down a plughole.”

The Prince pursed his lips. “That’s beyond strange.”

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The Lanky Dwarf and his brothers were up to their normal tricks of being dumb dwarves, running around the copse like overactive children. Suddenly their screaming and swearing stopped. “Ooohh what’s that?” danced across the breeze.

Prince Smurphy Murphy’s ears pricked up, him and his men made their way to their location.

As they emerged from the trees, the General’s eyes brightened.

“We may have a solution,” he said, pacing the width. “Your liege, this should be wide enough for our wagons and it seems to go on forever. Permission to send an advance party to ascertain viability as a route home?”

“Permission granted. We will make camp while you’re away.”

The Grumpy Dragon looked at the cave entrance. “I’m baffled.

This must be underneath the lake’s bottom…”

“We can’t take the risk of everyone entering, we’ll have to wait for General Buzz-Fuzz to return,” the Prince said.

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The General saluted. “Thank you, sir.” He and several soldiers entered the cave.

The Grumpy Dragon smiled. “Does that mean dinner then?”

“It certainly does,” the prince replied, nodding a wink to Lady and Sherley.

“More dishes to do,” the Lanky Dwarf complained.

Maximillion slapped him on the back of the head with his paw.

“It’s either that or you can be my toasted entrée?”

The Lanky Dwarf swallowed nervously. “What’s an entrée?

“The first part of dinner you numbskull,” the Grumpy Dragon said without emotion.

The Lanky Dwarf turned to Lady. “I’ll start the dishes now if you want?”

The Pumpy Dwarf shook his head. “They’ll have to cook something first, you eejit.”

Lady and Sherley went away shaking their heads at Lanky’s dumbness!

Before long the smell of a stew the lady Bassets had bubbling away wafted over the camp.

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“Any more thoughts on the loch, Grumps?” asked the Prince.

“I’m confused, perhaps the whirlpool leads to an underground cave and we’re standing in front of the cavern’s entrance?”

“In Germany...” Bruce interrupted, “we have something similar. The trees and vegetation hide an outer shell of granite.

Underneath that, over billions of years glaciers created caves which, because of the gaps in the rocky canopy, allows light to flow in and encourage the growth of forest vegetation. Of course animals took advantage of the cover and the isolation of the hidden world.”

Prince Smurphy Murphy looked around the plants and shrubs that surrounded the opening; they did have a tropical look to them. Maybe Bruce was right. “That’s fascinating!” he mused.

“Hoomans used to abseil into these worlds but a lot were never seen again,” Bruce told him.

The Prince raised his eyebrows. “I didn’t know this.”

“I have heard of these geological anomalies,” the Grumpy Dragon added. “My own cave at Loch Ness was similar.”

Sometime later, the Basset army tucked into their dinner and the three dwarves did indeed do the dishes. As they finished off, voices interrupted the conversation. “Your liege, I have found someone who can help us,” General Buzz-Fuzz exited the cave and gestured toward a Basset wearing a khaki shirt, beige pants, a Barmah hat and had a whip strapped to his waist. “Your name, stranger?”

“I am Indiana Dogwin, my friends call me Dogwin and I’m an explorer of hidden worlds. I came here with my hooman master but he was eaten by an Ankylosaurus—” The Lanky Dwarf’s eyes filled with emotion. “Whoooo, not more horrible flesh eaters!”

“They mainly eat vegetation young man, unless you upset them!”

“Yes absolutely they do, and calling them horrible will not go down well!” Indiana Dogwin’s assistant said, his deep voice echoing around the woods.

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“You are?” Prince Smurphy Murphy asked politely.

“My name is Squeak and I’m a giant mouse!”

“You don’t sound very squeaky!” the Lanky Dwarf observed.

“Or much of a giant—” “We are returning to the Basset Dogdom with chocolate mushrooms for our King,” the prince interrupted. “Would you be so kind as to escort us through these lands?”

“Of course,” Dogwin replied. “You have a dogdom now?”

“Yes, since the hoomans left, dogs have made the valleys their homes. As a Basset, you will be welcome and your assistant will be an honorary Basset!”

“I may very well take you up on that,” Dogwin said.

“That would be splendid,” the Prince mused.

Dogwin looked at the Grumpy Dragon, “A Grumpasaurus I presume?”

“Aye laddie and proud to be one.”

“My recently departed hooman conducted a study on your species. Only one appeared to be still alive and lived at Loch Ness. Is that you?”

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“I had a happy few thousand years there but got a bit lonely so went to find some friends and came across you Bassets. Who couldn’t love a Basset?”

“Quite a few of the animals we’ll encounter once we enter the Dinodom,” Dogwin pointed out.

“What’s a Dinodom?” the Lanky Dwarf asked, stupidly.

“It’s a land that has managed to avoid the normal course of evolution. Bit like a world that time forgot. When the planet was hit by an asteroid billions of years ago, many of the animals of the time hid here. As the genesis of the Earth took effect, their numbers increased and now there are many different types of dinosaurs, many never seen before.”

“Are they all man or dwarf eaters?” the Pumpy Dwarf asked from behind the prince.

“No, usually something smaller,” he said looking round the group, his gaze falling onto the Lanky Dwarf. “Something crunchy that they can eat in one mouthful.”

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The dwarf’s eyes rolled around his head. “Oh no...” he said fainting...again.

The Grumpy Dragon waddled over to the collapsed dwarf. “You really need to get a backbone!” she said.

Prince Smurphy Murphy shook his head. “Dogwin,” he said gesturing with his hand, “Could we offer you and Squeak some of our delicious al fresco food?”

“Whatever you’re doing smells amazing,” Dogwin said.

“I prefer cheese fungi,” Squeak added.

“I love cheese,” the Lanky Dwarf said, suddenly coming round from his temporary coma.

“If you stop taking the mickey out of my voice and my size, I’ll show you how to find them.”

Everyone laughed as the Lanky Dwarf clicked his heels. ‘You’re funny Squeak,” he said, “and tall.”

“I don’t get it,” the Pumpy Dwarf said, dumbly.

Lanky shook his head in disbelief at Pumpy’s dozziness. “Mickey, you dumb elf. Mickey Mouse?”

The Pumpy Dwarf’s eyes span like a slot machine as his brain deciphered the joke. “Yes, he’s funny.”

Squeak pursed his lips in disbelief at the dumbness of these dwarves. “Come with me,” he told the Lanky Dwarf. “If I show you how to find cheese fungi you’ll immediately become a member of the Order of the Squeak. Revealing their location will be punishable by being fed to a hungry dinosaur. Is that clear?”

“Errr... yes my lips are sealed...”

“Good — then follow me.” Squeak and the Lanky Dwarf disappeared into the cave and Dogwin settled down to his lunch. Of course the Grumpy Dragon insisted on seconds. “A Grumpasaurus needs at least six meals a day,” she said.

The group laughed and very soon many ZZZZ’s filled the air.

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CHAPTER THREE

ing Harvey arrived early at Professor Magoo’s cottage. The professor greeted his younger brother with a Basset hug. Fortunately the dogdom’s choco-scientist’s choco scientist’s property backed onto an old watermill. There were several empty rooms and of course the unused electricity generating turbine that still turned but for the moment that’s all it did. The professor used the mill for new ideas, and both forward and backward planning of his wigglewiggle wacky inventions.

The monarch sat down at a temporary desk his security had hastily set up. The door opened and a tall Basset wearing the Homeguard uniform walked in. “Lord Danglebelly reporting for duty, sir!”

“Ah Tobias, I wasn’t expecting you?”

“I couldn’t let the staff of the Danglebelly estate down, sir. I need to lead by example.”

“Indeed! I think in the circumstances it’s only appropriate you become my sergeant as you are first here.”

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“Thank you your majesty,” Lord Danglebelly said as the door opened and two Basset ladies came in.

King Harvey looked up and smiled. “And you have done that in style Lemony.”

“And who is the lovely lady accompanying you?”

“This is my best friend Charlotte, otherwise known as Miss Moolah Tallulah — she’s terribly shy,” Lemony began. “We’re founding members of the Lady Bassets’ Institute.”

The King walked over and took turns in kissing the ladies on their paws. Charlotte’s eyes dropped to the floor in embarrassment.

“No need to be shy, my dear. Turning up here is a wonderful act of support to your fellow Bassets and a very brave thing to do.”

“Don’t worry,” Charlotte started. “I might be shy but I’m a trained assassin when needed.”

“Indeed she is,” Lemony pointed out. “I’ve seen her wrestle a knuckle-bone from a strong male dog with a couple of well placed kicks to the ankles.”

The ladies giggled, King Harvey smiled broadly. “I do believe that could be very useful when the time is right.”

The door swung open, nearly coming off its hinges.

“Uncle Harvey I’m here,” the voice said. The monarch fixed his stare on the young Basset wearing a scarf.

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“Stupid boy,” he said firmly. “What if one of the older Bassets had been behind that?”

“Sorry, I never thought!”

“Could I introduce my nephew Tup Dumbledog?” the King said, a small smile on his lips.

“Pleased to meet you,” the Homeguard said in chorus.

“You will be our general dogsbody and gopher.”

“A General? Thank you so much, uncle!”

King Harvey went to explain but Charlotte raised her eyebrows and shook her head. Miss Moolah Tallulah as her friends called her always wanted to keep up appearances. She was undoubtedly the poshest old bird in the dogdom, and that’s not the feathered variety but she did have a heart of gold and didn’t want Tup’s fifteen minutes of fame to be spoiled.

“Indeed, General Dogsbody,” King Harvey said, forcing a smile.

Miss Moolah Tallulah and Lemony giggled quietly. Miss Snicket was a diva with a capital ‘D’ and she and Charlotte working together would send King Harvey into Basset madness, if indeed he wasn’t already holidaying at that exotic location.

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The door opened behind them and professor Magoo and two more reservists came in.

“I know you said no generals so I’m happy to serve as a private,” General Archie Basset said.

“Too late! I’ve filled that position, already,” Tup started.

“General Dogsbody and Gopher.”

Professor Magoo and the General looked at each other, bemused.

“General Archie, thank you. I will take you up on your offer.

You will be known as Private Archie Wagglewilly. How is your father by the way?”

“Thank you your majesty. He’s good and still waggling his willy at the ladies of BLI (Lady Bassets’ Institute).”

King Harvey tried to keep a lid on his urge to smile at the thought of the old codger running about Basset Square waggling his willy. “Excellent...” the monarch coughed. “Right... as your leader, I want you to feel you can approach me in this difficult time so please refer to me by my rank and family name,” the King ordered, moving his gaze to Lord Danglebelly. “So for example, you will be known as Sergeant Tobias Danglebelly and not by your royal status.”

“An honour to serve in any capacity, sir.”

King Harvey nodded toward Sergeant Danglebelly. “I think we have the start of a platoon for the moment, let’s move to introductions from the men and women of the Basset Homeguard.

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“I’d like to thank you all individually for volunteering to save the Dogdom.” King Harvey moved to shake everyone’s hand.

“Thank you!” Private Henry Bellyfluff said. “Ready to kick some green alien bums, sir!”

The King grasped Doctor Stanley’s hand. “Thank you, your medical skills will be very useful in the field of battle.”

Stanley’s eyes brightened. “I hope so, sir.”

The monarch continued down the line. “Professor Magoo, as you know, our lands couldn’t function without you.”

“It is my duty sir, nothing more.”

The King moved to the dogdom’s beauties as Lemony had put it. The King had a glint in his eye: he was looking for another wife as procreation of the breed was paramount to him. “Queen Lemony?” Miss Snicket stated, regally.

“You can’t be a Queen,” Tup said. “A rank is needed!”

“Oh dear! In that case I will be whichever rank is in charge, darling.”

King Harvey smiled. “Could we keep this focussed on the obvious ladies and gentledogs. Can I remind you the valleys are being invaded by aliens. We must defend our lands.” ”Okay keep your fur on sweetie. How about extremely posh Private Snicket?”

“Ermm...” King Harvey looked at Professor Magoo who nodded. “Good idea, you can be head of Posh Branch which we will use for special ops.”

“Oooh that sounds fun – can I have some of those gizmos you see in the movies?”

“Report to ‘P’ after the meeting and you will be armed.”

“P?” Lemony asked. “Who is he?”

“The professor of course.”

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“I knew that —” Tup interrupted.

“Get back into line,” Sergeant Danglebelly shouted.

“Do you remember who you’re talking to, sergeant? I’m a General and I am clearly your superior!”

“Stupid boy!” Sergeant Danglebelly said without emotion, “general dogsbody and gopher is your job description not your rank, you plonker! Now back to the introductions, please.”

Tup’s face twisted with displeasure. “Private Dumbledog,” he said, his words tinged with disappointment.

King Harvey nodded. “Thank you.”

Charlotte pushed her chest out. “Miss Moolah Tallulah reporting for duty, sir!”

“Thank you,” the King said.

“Just me,” General Archie said. “Private Wagglewilly reporting for duty, sir.”

King Harvey straightened his back and pushed his chest out, his shoulders back. “Right, we’ll need more men. I’ll leave it to this newly formed platoon to spread the word.”

“Yes sir,” they all said in chorus.

“Okay, so to bring everyone up to speed, as some of you know I was down at Bracken Woods with the royal princes and princesses and as we got camp ready, we saw a flying saucer flash across the sky and crash not far from us. After a while, it glowed green and three aliens came out of it. We had no choice but to run as the safety of the royal family was, and still is, paramount.”

“How frightening for those gorgeous pups!” Miss Moolah Tallulah observed. “Let’s see if these cowardly extra-terrestrials are as brazen when faced with Posh Branch – they won’t know what hit them.”

“Probably a pink handbag?” Tup Dumbledog observed.

“Right,” King Harvey said, authoritatively. “Down to the job at hand. Sergeant Danglebelly, what do you think our first move should be?”

“See how the land lies, maybe a job for the newly formed Posh Branch?”

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“Ooooh, how exciting!” Miss Moolah Tallulah said.

“Perhaps Lemony and Miss Moolah Tallulah could sneak up to the alien ship, and see what they’re up to?”

“Of course,” Lemony confirmed. “We could creep up quietly and assess the danger. Then the male Bassets could flex their muscles and show these little green men who’s boss!”

“Absolutely,” King Harvey noted.

“Remember, we need to be careful,” Professor Magoo added. “They could have heads of snakes and hypnotic red eyes – baaawwaaaahhhaaawaahhhh!”

Miss Moolah Tallulah and Lemony Snicket looked at each other, eyes widening. “Perhaps it may be better to sacrifice the male Bassets first and save the brains of the mission for later?” Lemony said, poshly.

“I don’t think you’ll be in any danger, Miss Snicket.” Sergeant Danglebelly pointed out. “After all, if the aliens were hostile we’d all know about it by now—” “Exactly Tobias, good point!”

“So we are agreed. Posh Branch, will do a recce and report back at... say 1800 BMT (Basset Mean Time) tomorrow?”

“Yes sir,” the Homeguard said in chorus.

“Once the meeting is finished could the ladies meet at Posh Branch HQ,” he said pointing to a pink, sparkly door. “P will issue the agents with their special devices.”

“Can’t wait,” Lemony said.

The reformed Homeguard stayed and went through drills late into the night and Posh Branch were issued with their secret devices or without giving the story away their secret creatures.

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CHAPTER FOUR

A breathtaking discovery is about to be made. ack at the sinkhole, the Lanky Dwarf and his new friend Squeak had gone through the cave and into the new well-lit from various world. The forest was dense but well openings in the cave’s ceiling.

Huge reptilian birds squawked hideously above them. The Lanky Dwarf glanced at Squeak, eyes wide and terror on his face. “What are they?”

“They’re Pterosaurs,” Squeak said. “And the dinosaur bathing in the lake is a Dwarfasaurus.”

“What do they all eat?”

“Oh... the odd crunchy dwarf or three, served with a side order of mouse,” he said laughing.

“Oh no,” the dwarf said glumly. “I’m sick of being on someone’s lunch menu!”

“Talking about lunch,” Squeak pointed to a fallen tree. “We’ve arrived at Deli de la Fromage.”

The Lanky Dwarf looked at Squeak, a dumb expression spreading across his face. “Is that a dinosaur?” he asked.

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“You really are as thick as two short planks. It’s where the cheese mushrooms grow,” he said foraging beneath the log. “Ta da!” he announced pulling out the rare fungi.

The Lanky Dwarf developed a confused look on his face. “It doesn’t look like cheese.”

“Taste it,” Squeak said, passing him a small mushroom.

The Lanky Dwarf tentatively nibbled at the offering. His eyes filled with excitement. “Oh my God, it tastes like cheddar cheese!”

“That’s why they call it a cheese mushroom you dipstick.”

The Lanky Dwarf devoured the treat while Squeak filled his basket. From behind the dwarf came a very low growl followed by a rhythmical clicking sound which stopped him chomping the cheese mushroom. “Stop being silly.”

“What are you on about?” Squeak said turning. The giant mouse’s eyes nearly popped out of his head, he pointed over the dwarf’s shoulder. The Lanky Dwarf’s eyes widened, one looked left, the other right then reality set in. He slowly turned and a dinosaur with a leathery body stared at him and growled.

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“A dinosaur!” Squeak shouted.

“I happen to love cheese mushrooms,” the monster said. “I can either eat them or eat you instead.”

“Take them,” the Lanky Dwarf squealed.

Squeak stepped forward, pushing his chest out. “You’re not getting them,” he said. “I’ll chew your scaled ankles off if you try to!”

“Oh dear,” the monster said. “It looks like you’re lunch then.”

The dinosaur moved his face right in close to the Lanky Dwarf whose eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fainted, falling into a bush head first.

“Duh,” the monster said. “Is he dead?”

“I’m sure we can come to a compromise. How about you get half of my foraging basket for me not chewing your ankles off?”

The dinosaur nodded. “That seems terribly fair, old chap – I accept.I don’t really eat meat, I prefer vegetation and the odd fungi treat!”

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Squeak gathered up half of the cheese mushrooms and offered them to the dinosaur. “What’s your name?”

“My name is Theodoesius.”

“You have the look of my friend Lanky. Are you related?”

“Probably, as all life on Earth evolved from the dinosaurs including Dwarves,” Theodoesius said, chewing on a cheese mushroom. “Anyway, must be off. Tatty-bye for now.”

The Lanky Dwarf, still sparked out in the bush, groaned and waggled his legs.

He awoke, blubbing like a baby. “So this is what inside a dinosaur’s stomach looks like…”

Squeak kicked him. “Get up you dumbhead!”

He pulled himself out of the vegetation, rubbed his eyes and smiled. “I’m alive!”

“It was all sorted amicably with your great, great, great grandpops.

He is family would you believe!”

“Family?”

“Yes absolutely. Apparently you evolved from a billion year-old Dwarfasaurus,” Squeak said.

“Wow! How cool is that?”

“Thank me and I still have half the cheese mushrooms, your half were given to him in return for your life,” Squeak said, smiling.

“Can I have one?”

“I’ll think about it, I’ll admit you do make me look like the brightest button in the box which is nice – you’re such a numbskull!”

“I can’t help it. Grumps says I have porridge for a brain.”

Squeak smiled, wickedly. “You need to eat more cheese.”

The giant mouse and his new dumbass friend headed back to camp. The Lanky Dwarf’s shoulders had drooped and he looked a forlorn figure. Squeak felt sorry for him.

“Here have these and cheer up!” he said, passing him a handful of mushrooms.

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“Really?” the Lanky Dwarf said, clicking his heels. “I’m so grateful.” He didn’t wait to be asked again and tucked into the cheesy feast. By the time they got to camp all that was left were crumbs of cheddar down the dwarf’s tunic and sticky loveliness stuck to his fingers.

Prince Smurphy Murphy approached him, his nose twitching. “I love cheese!” he said, licking the dwarf’s face, hands and clothes.

“Get off!” the Lanky Dwarf demanded but the Prince ignored him and his tongue went into a Basset food frenzy. He licked every last crumb from his front and then he started sucking on the dwarf’s fingers. “I love cheddar!” he said in between his tongue doing a dance of delight. “Yumalicious!”

“Did you keep any for us, bro?” Pumpy and Spotty asked in chorus.

Lanky shook his head, embarrassed. “In a word – no!”

“Calm down dears, there’ll be plenty more,” Squeak promised.

“Okay everybody,” Prince Smurphy Murphy said, still licking his lips from his cheese feast. “We shall settle down for the evening and at daybreak we’ll enter the Dinodom—”

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“Let me near that fire,” Dogwin interrupted. “I have some stories to tell.”

“Oooh!” the Grumpy Dragon said. “I love a good fireside tale.”

Everyone huddled together around the fire. “Once upon a time,” Dogwin started. “I and my assistant Squeak were travelling through the Dinodom in search of new species when we came across a dwarf. He’d travelled alone on a white donkey and had one other mule to carry his luggage.

“He told us about how he’d once been rich beyond anyone’s wildest dreams and was king of his lands. A curse had been bestowed on his Toy Poodle dogdom by the Wicked Witch and the king’s three nephews were sent on a crusade to have this terrible spell lifted. They were never seen again.”

Soft sobs of emotion wafted over the camp. “What’s wrong?”

Prince Smurphy Murphy said.

“I know this story,” the Lanky Dwarf bubbled.

Prince Smurphy Murphy glanced at the other dwarves and their eyes were filled with emotion as well. Dogwin continued. “The dwarf wouldn’t give me his first name, but he said I could refer to him as Mr Dwarf,” Dogwin said as everyone hung on his every word.

The explorer recounted how the dwarf had been so happy living in the valleys, the ladies of his lands loved his nephews, he loved them and the three princes loved their lady-poodles but one day when the Toy Poodle dogdom awoke, a terrible shock was waiting for them.

The monarch had been cursed and had become a hideous caricature of his former self and dwarf-like in looks and stature.

Advice was sought from all the leading mages, witches, magicians and warlocks but nothing could be determined as to what the reason was for this terrible affliction. Many a tear was shed, many a heart was broken.

The King and his court had no idea what had happened until one sunrise while drinking water from the spring he saw a ghostly apparition, an Afghan Hound who warned him about the curse and how he could reverse it.

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He and his advisers decided to send Prince Benjamin, Prince Adere and Prince Cormack to lands far away where the Wicked Witch lived with her band of Pungent Pygmies. He knew he could potentially be sacrificing his family to save his dogdom from any further spells.”

Prince Smurphy-Murphy studied the Lanky Dwarf: for the first time he’d harnessed his emotions and held them within. The prince surmised his strength was a show for his brothers as well as himself. Prince Smurphy-Murphy promised himself he would release the dwarves from this torment one day.

Dogwin coughed. “The Poodle Princes started a journey that was fraught with danger. They knew that they might never return but their uncle had asked them to do it and that’s what they’d do! The journey was long and slow but unbeknownst to the king, the princes eventually arrived.

Tiny pygmies with hideous faces and terrifying smiles greeted them. They told the prince and his brothers about tree candy onions, and that the forests were filled with this much-loved treat. The brothers gorged themselves on the sweet bulbs, encouraged by the pygmies but they didn’t know, nor could they have known that each mouthful eaten by anyone other than the Wicked Witch would result in someone from their lands being permanently cursed.

“One day when there were no more candy onions left, the Wicked Witch visited the forest, and she was aghast at the sight of the candy-onion-free woods and immediately extended her curse onto the three brothers and their future families.”

“How do you know this?” Lanky asked.

“The forests have ears: things are witnessed and stories are told.

Mr Dwarf knows the truth.”

“This is why we are who we are,” the Lanky Dwarf said with rivulets of tears flowing down his face. “We’ll never see our beloved uncle again, nor will we ever return to being our handsome doggy-selves.”

Pumpy and Spotty joined in, crying and blubbing like cats who’d spilt their milk. The brothers got into a huddle. “I love you guys,” Lanky said.

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“We love you too, even though you ate all the cheese!”

A thin glaze of emotion filled the Grumpy Dragon’s eyes. “How sad, hopefully one day you’ll be reunited with your kin and able to dispel this terrible affliction,” she said, determinedly. “I will help for sure!”

Prince Smurphy Murphy agreed and everyone around the fire promised to help the brothers return to their former selves.

When that might be, nobody knew.

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CHAPTER FIVE aptain Zhong stroked his several chins. “Status report?” he asked.

“The virtual reality program has righted the angle at which the ship came to rest on the inside, but outside it still remains embedded in the forest floor at a seventy-two point four degree angle. All life-support is working at one hundred percent and I have scanned our surroundings for signs of life,” the AI said matter-of-factly.

“Anything?”

“The sentient beings of the planet, as suspected, appear to be goofy balls of furriness that waddle back and forth, eat their own poo, lick their friends’ bottoms and seem to have a penchant for something called a chocolate mushroom.”

“They won’t taste very nice; perhaps break out the emergency rations just in case.”

“Aye, aye, chubby cheeks.”

Captain Zhong shook his ahead. “You really need to sort out the software that drives that bucket of rusty circuit boards,” he said to chief engineer Zhing.

“It’s on my to-do list, sir.”

“Make it a priority!”

“Sir!” “Engine status, AI?”

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“It would appear to be broken and we are right out of patchit tape and super glue at the moment.”

“When can I expect full power?” the captain said, raising his voice, authoritatively.

“The Anti-matter Collider is malfunctioning at present, I don’t know the reason why,” the AI reported.

“It may have also contributed to our engine failure,” the chief engineer added.

“I don’t want to be here longer than is necessary. The inhabitants sound backward. Perhaps we should take another look,” he pondered.“Zhing and Zhang! Report to the airlock at 15.00 at SHMT (Squarehead Mean Time). We shall have another look at what we are up against in these heathen lands of doggy conundrums.”

Later that day, the three aliens exited the ship’s airlock for the second time. Inside the small alien vessel, the space had been virtually expanded to create three levels: crew quarters, engineering, and a shuttle bay.

On the outside the spaceship looked like a small unassuming disc. This was a deliberate illusion to keep bigger and more hostile alien ships from getting too nosey.

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Outside, Captain Zhong scanned his surroundings. “Oxygen levels, engineer?”

“Levels appear to be badly polluted and there’s a strange smell that I don’t recognise. Perhaps it’s the locals? I recommend keeping our helmets on.”

“Agreed!”

“Sir...” First Officer Zhang interrupted. “We have life forms approaching. Two in fact.”

“Set plasma pistols to stun,” Captain Zhong said, a note of caution in his voice. *** A few hundred yards away two of Posh Branch’s brightest and most daring agents (to be fair they were PB’s only agents) fought their way through the bracken.

“Ooh my shoes are killing me. I think wearing Pucci Bassetsnugs was a bad idea!” Lemony said.

“I’ve scratched my new Victoria Beckham designer nails!” Miss Moolah Tallulah complained.

Lemony laughed. “They look nice but not as popular since her and David left the planet on a diamond-studded rocket!”

“Apparently it did smell the nicest of all the celebrity launches, though,” Miss Moolah Tallulah joked. “There’ll be a designer perfume out soon to celebrate the event. Speaking of aromas; I can smell those aliens.”

“Right,” Lemony said, firmly. “Let’s synchronise handbags!”

The two Posh Branch agents formed a circle, well as near a circle as it was possible to do with only two people.

The ladies opened their handbags; two eyes on stalks rose from each one and two tarantulas thrust their front legs out, defensively. They looked at Lemony and Miss Moolah Tallulah and immediately took an offensive stance.

“Stand down, tarantulas, this is a drill,” Lemony ordered.

The spiders looked disappointed. “Oh shame. I was so looking forward to scaring these aliens back to their planet,” one of

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them said, spiderly. “Tommy Tarantula and my brother Tommo at your service, ladies.”

The button flashed red on each handbag as it connected to Professor Magoo’s wiggle-waggle -web. “Synchronise,” Miss Moolah Tallulah said.

“Synchronising,” Tommy added.

“Synchronised,” Lemony Snicket confirmed. “These aliens may not be friendly so be prepared.”

“Good to have you aboard Tommy and Tommo,” Lemony said.

“If these extraterrestrials so much as look at you funny, I’ll inject them with my poison.”

Lemony’s eyes widened. “Oooh how daring! I’ve never seen you before, are you new to the dogdom?”

“A while ago me and my brothers were at an ‘Annoying Animal Convention’ and there we met Scratchit and Scratchit and also had the pleasure of an audience with his eminence, President Splatitandrun. They convinced us that the Bassets were daft as brushes but kind with it. It was a no-brainer and my younger sister Tomasina begged me to help you protect your world. There are only two of us today but we have many tarantulas at your service.”

A grin developed on Lemony’s face. “Good to hear! What happens if you sting someone?”

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“Their muscles freeze and they can’t move,” he said proudly. “Then we charge them for the antidote.” Tommy laughed, spiderly.

“How wonderful!” Miss Moolah Tallulah mused. “So they pay you to be unfrozen?”

“Yes, usually in furry dead mice. We don’t accept gold as you can’t eat it,” he said, licking his lips. “Anyway, need a powernap.

It’s hard work being an agent of the King!”

Tommy dropped back into his nice warm lair, Miss Moolah Tallulah closed her handbag, her eyes narrowed. “Time to move in, men... errr ... I mean girls and spiders,” she said, laughing.

The highly trained and highly wobbly Posh Branch moved in closer to the alien ship. The problem was they hadn’t chosen the right shoes to make a quiet incursion — a simple mistake, one Miss Moolah Tallulah and Lemony wouldn’t make again.

As they got closer, Tommy and Tommo deployed and assumed their positions: one on Lemony’s head and the other on Miss Moolah Tallulah’s handbag. Three aliens walked around the ship — a fat one, a skinny one and a tall muscular beasty. Miss Moolah Tallulah noted the information in her Wobblystats program - knowledge is power she thought.

The aliens had scanners and seemed to be looking for someone.

“Yoohoo!” she shouted. “Over here, darling!” Lemony shouted.

Captain Zhong took a step back. “What in God’s name is that..?” he said, glancing at his crew.. “Remove the safety clip on your plasma-pistols.”

Lemony fought her way through the bracken, puffing and complaining like a Basset male carrying the shopping. “Hello my lovellies. I’m here on behalf of King Harvey. We come in peace, we come in pink shoes with matching handbags, we come for a sit down, if possible?” she said, laughing.

“How do we know that?” Captain Zhong enquired.

“Because I’m telling you, darling.”

“Will you stop calling me that? I have no idea what it means,” Captain Zhong said.

“Oh... sorry... eermm... Mr Alien.”

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“I am not an alien, that is probably the most offensive thing you could call me. I’m a Squarehead, from Planet Square and my name is Captain Zhong!”

“Oh sorry for upsetting you, sweety. As recompense could we do afternoon tea sometime?”

“I would remind you that you and your friend are looking down the barrels of three plasma-pistols held by three crazed aliens as you put it! And furthermore, we intend to study you and I reserve the right to return you to Planet Square for further tests.”

“He’s really a pussy cat,” the AI interrupted.

“Shut it or I’ll have you reprogrammed into a cleaning-bot.”

“Well it’s been lovely to meet you. I must dash as I have a mane appointment at Missy Yang’s Hair and Beauty Emporium.”

“Unfortunately, I cannot allow you to go anywhere. Security around the location of our ship is paramount. You will accompany us inside and we will start our examination.”

“So we are being kidnapped by aliens?”

“I’ve asked you not to use that word, Lemony!”

Miss Moolah Tallulah growled. “If you mess with me or my friend I’ll chew your arms off.” Captain Zhong swallowed nervously while his brothers moved behind him rather spinelessly. “Err... there won’t be any need for that. You shall be guests of honour until such time that we feel it’s safe to release you.”

“He’s such a spineless lump of lard!” the AI said “Is that not the same as being kidnapped?” Lemony asked.

“No, not for the moment.”

“These Bassets will be hard work,” the AI said in Captain Zhong’s ear. “I doubt we’d want to study them.”

Captain Zhong touched his earpiece, nodding. He smiled graciously at Lemony Snicket gesturing toward the ship.

The ladies of Posh Branch walked up the metal steps and disappeared inside.

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CHAPTER S

IX

Time for war-war not jaw-jaw... wenty four hours had passed since the ladies of Posh Branch had gone on their secret mission. King Harvey was worried sick for their safety as they hadn’t returned, nor had they sent a signal on Professor Magoo’s wiggle-waggleweb. The professor did speculate that messages not getting through could be because of interference from the alien ship.

Because of a shortage of ex-army reservists, the King had sent a distress message to Prince Smurphy Murphy with Wayne and Barry. The King had doubled the mail pigeons’ pay if they got there quickly.

They’d got so excited that they’d left in flap-overdrive hoping that they’d be on time and earn the extra money. The problem was – they didn’t know the Basset army’s location, nor did King Harvey.

“So where are we heading?” Barry cooed.

“Their last known position I think.”

Barry nodded his approval. “Makes perfect sense.”

“That’s why I’m the brains of the operation,” Wayne coo-cooed.

Barry twisted his beak in contempt and the two pigeons headed skyward with an extra spring in their flapping. ***

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Sometime later King Harvey was sitting behind his desk at Basset Homeguard HQ. “Lord Danglebelly—!” he shouted.

“My liege, I think it’s better that out of royal circles you refer to me as Sergeant Danglebelly even if there are no men present.

Remember loose lips sink ships. We don’t want the platoon thinking this is an exclusive gentledog’s club!”

“Indeed,” King Harvey agreed. “Get the royal piper to send out a message for all soldiers to attend an emergency meeting at the mill.” He checked his timepiece. “Say 18.00 Basset Mean Time.”

“What’s the subject of the meeting?”

“We have soldiers down and are now left with no choice but to assail the enemy and bring our men...I mean ladies, home.”

Sergeant Danglebelly swallowed nervously. “Is that a good idea, sir?” he said.

“It’s the only idea, sergeant, unless you have a better one?”

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CHAPTER SEVEN

endrils of a new dawn fought their way through the forest’s canopy and a new morning presented itself onto the world.

Birds sang, trees rustled and the sound of running water danced upon the wind. But sadly the Basset camp felt a little subdued despite the ambiance, certainly not the normal buzz of dwarves going mental, Bassets being playful and the cooks singing a fine tune to the rhythm of their bubbling pots.

Indiana Dogwin’s tale of the mystery dwarf he’d met in the Dinodom and the three dwarves’ admission that the stranger was their uncle had drained the group emotionally. Everyone had seen Lanky, Pumpy, and Spotty having fun, being stupid, and causing havoc before but the Bassets and crew had never seen them cry.

Prince Smurphy Murphy was worried about their wellbeing and the reason why their uncle travelled the valleys alone.

“Right, if I could have your attention please,” the Prince shouted.

The camp fell silent and dozens of eyes focussed on their leader.

“We shall be entering the Dinodom soon and could I remind everyone that the wildlife in these lands are mostly carnivorous and would like nothing better than chewing on a nice meaty, chunky, podgy Basset — understood?”

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A chorus of agreement came from everyone. The Prince turned to General Buzz-Fuzz who stood next to Indiana Dogwin.

“Wagons loaded?”

“Waiting for your order, sir.”

“Well err... wagons roll then!” the Prince said with a little more positivity than usual as he tried to raise spirits.

Dogwin had told him that the end of the sinkhole was ten miles from Basset Town. The Prince had been surprised it was so close and that they’d never discovered the dinodom but Dogwin had said the only way in was through two caves, one high up a crumbling rock face.

Prince Smurphy Murphy sighed at the possible struggles ahead.

He really, really, really wanted to get home for a rest. But he had a job to do.

He acknowledged his men with a nod as Basset soldiers marched into the cave first, a group of four with each wagon. They’d been ordered to protect the chocolate mushrooms with their lives and that’s what they would do. Prince Smurphy Murphy followed the last wagon. He just caught a glimpse of the mail pigeons Barry and Wayne flapping into view.

“Emergency message from King Harvey,” Barry coo—cooed.

The Prince shouted. “Hold the procession!”

“Basset army – halt!” General Buzz-Fuzz repeated.

“King Harvey sends you his best wishes; he needs the army back in the dogdom as soon as possible. Bracken Woods has been invaded by aliens.”

The Prince’s eyes narrowed, he wondered if he’d heard the message correctly. “Give it to me again, please?”

Wayne flapped his wings animatedly. “It’s true, sir; aliens have invaded the dogdom. We’ve seen them and they are hideous green monsters. The King needs your help, urgently.”

“This is terrible news,” the Prince said. “It couldn’t have come at a worse time. We’ll endeavour to get there as quickly as possible but I don’t know how long it’ll take to traverse the Dinodom.”

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“I can fly straight there,” the Grumpy Dragon offered.

“I don’t want to escalate the tensions until I’ve been briefed,” the prince said.

“Understandable,” Dogwin added.

The Grumpy Dragon shook her head. “What can we do?”

“I need time to think,” the Prince said. “Let King Harvey know we will be as quick as we can but it will be days rather than hours, sadly.”

The mail pigeons repeated the message several times and then flapped their wings and headed back to Basset Town.

“Double pay, how wonderful!” Wayne cooed.

The two pigeons zig-zagged in formation to celebrate.

“The berries are on me.”

The procession started moving again and it wasn’t long before they’d exited the tunnel on the other side of the rocky edifice.

Prince Smurphy Murphy’s eyes widened, and Basset jaws dropped. “Wow!” he said. “That’s probably the most beautiful vista I’ve ever seen,” he mused.

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Underneath the loch a huge cavern had been carved out by glacial waters. Light flowed in from openings in the granite canopy.

One in particular had a huge waterfall tumbling down the rocky face beneath it. The Prince surmised that it was probably the whirlpool the Grumpy Dragon had seen from above.

The Prince noticed straightaway the difference in vegetation and the sounds filling the air were even more apparent than on the other side. The whole hidden world looked like a tropical forest; the temperature felt substantially hotter than the Scottish woods he was used to.

The Lanky Dwarf sat with the Prince in the front of the wagon.

“Oooh look,” he said pointing at two beautifully coloured parrots.

“Who you pointing at big nose?” one said.

“Not you Polly,” the Prince interrupted as the dwarf snuggled up to him, clearly intimidated by the bird.

“Who you calling Polly?”

“His name is Lionel de Feather and he’s an artist,” the other one informed the Prince.

The prince’s diplomacy skills kicked in. “Lovely to meet you Lionel and you are...?”

The other parrot rocked from side to side on the branch.

“Constantine de Birdpooper.”

The Prince held in a smile. “Yes, of course. We are heading for Basset Town, could you recommend any shortcuts?”

Lionel cleared his throat with a cough. “Yes, grow some wings.”

The parrots squawked a laugh. “You’re on the right track but you need to avoid some of the more meat-loving dinosaurs...”

As the parrot spoke, a huge nose pushed through the bushes, its face not too dissimilar to that of a snake but it made the most hideous noise with its mouth. A combination of a low rumble, combined with a clicking of its fangs.

“Too late...” the parrot added.

“Mmmmm! You look tasty,” the dinosaur said.

The Lanky Dwarf jumped into the back of the

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wagon and pulled a blanket over his head. Maximillion, Zeus and Bruce stepped forward from the group. “Your size doesn’t intimidate me Mr Dinopussy,” Maximillion growled. “My ancestors in Africa saw an animal as big as you as a five-course meal. We liked nothing more than having an elephant for lunch then a nice afternoon sleep. So I suggest you take a step back or you’ll be din-dins!”

Bruce stepped forward and pushed out his chest. “I might be a bit smaller than the lions but I’m an expert in karate and would enjoy nothing better than wrapping my legs around your neck, pump in your face, and watch you gasp for breath, unable to speak, unable to breathe!”

The Ankylosaurus smirked. “I’m going to enjoy eating you all; the sweetness of your flesh and crunchiness of your bones will keep me going till afternoon tea,” the monster said, frighteningly.

Before it could move a Dwarfasaurus came out of the bushes and bulldozed it over. It rolled onto it’s back and the dinosaur’s legs wiggled in the air like a Basset puppy fighting to stand up.

“I surrender,” the Ankylosaurus blubbed.

“Leave now before I get nasty,” the Dwarfasaurus warned.

The monster scrambled to its feet and ran off into the jungle.

“That was a close one,” Prince Smurphy Murphy said. “Can we offer you the paw of friendship?”

“I’ve already met your head dwarf and the gobby mouse.”

Squeak smiled, Lanky clicked his heels. “I’m in charge.”

The Dwarfasaurus focussed on the Prince. “That’s very kind of you. Perhaps you could join me for dinner. My family would love to meet you. They’re pretty bored of rampant carnivores running round chasing everything with a pulse. Perhaps Big Nose could be guest of honour. He reminds me of a traveller that came through the Dinodom recently.”

“My uncle,” the Lanky Dwarf said excitedly. “And my name is Lanky!”

“Hi Lanky,” the dinosaur said. “The traveller introduced himself as Mr Dwarf but I never got his first name. Perhaps he and your uncle are one and the same.”

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“What is your name, sir?” Prince Smurphy Murphy asked.

“Theodoesius,” the dinosaur said. “My friends call me Theo!”

The Prince offered his paw. “Lovely to meet you, Theo. Shall we follow you?”

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CHAPTER EIGHT nside the alien ship, Miss Moolah Tallulah and Lemony were being shown around. “Oooh I’ve never been onboard an alien ship before,” Lemony mused.

Captain Zhong pursed his lips in annoyance. “I’ve told you, we are not aliens - we’re Squareheads!”

“Calm down, dear, it’s only a silly word!”

“Where I come from, aliens are ravenous cannibals that eat each other. My race are cultured with impeccable eating habits—” The AI coughed. “Impeccable? Huh! You’ve slavered gravy down your Confederation of Galaxy Explorer’s tunic again.”

Captain Zhong dusted his hands over the front of his uniform.

“Computer, show the Basset ladies our planet.”

On screen a square planet appeared. It was not too dissimilar to Earth Miss Moolah Tallulah noticed except it was square. “Is everything square in your world?” she asked.

“Our ancestors never got around to creating a round wheel so everything developed based on the shape of our heads,” he told her.

“Square heads with square nugget brains rattling around an almost empty square space,” the AI butted in.

“The same Square nugget brains that created this ship’s ‘Artificial Intelligence,’ so what does that make you?” Captain Zhong retorted.

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“Perhaps intelligence was the wrong word. Maybe a defunct pile of useless, shapeless, incoherent, robotic, virtual scrap would be better!”

“Oooh, you are touchy this morning, not had your squareflakes?”

“Don’t fall out over us, darling,” Lemony chipped in.

“What are you doing here?” Miss Moolah Tallulah asked, trying to change the subject.

“We travel the interstellar voids looking for intelligent life to study. I don’t think we’ll be here long,” Captain Zhong said, twisting his lip into a sneer.

“Don’t be fooled by appearances; our Professor Magoo could tie your AI and the engineers who created him up into knots.

He is currently building the wiggle-waggle-web which will keep Bassets in touch with each other!” Lemony pointed out.

“And contact life on other alien worlds,” Miss Moolah Tallulah said.

“That sounds interesting,” Captain Zhong said. “Perhaps we should meet this professor? He could make me a new virtual assistant!”

“Well I don’t know about you,” Lemony started, “but I need my nails doing and a mane trim. Which way is your hair salon?”

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“Huh, hair salon?” the AI said jokingly. “Have you seen his jiving jig?” A computerised laugh filled the bridge, Captain Zhong’s face developed a thunderous expression.

“What’s one of them?” Miss Moolah Tallulah whispered.

“Jiving-jig is a wig!” Lemony said, a small smile on her lips.

Miss Moolah Tallulah held in a smile, as did Lemony.

“We don’t have the luxury of a hair salon. This is a spaceship not a shopping mall!”

Captain Zhong turned to First Officer Zhang. “Can you take the ladies and give them a tour of the ship? I need to discuss something with Engineer Zhing.”

“Aye captain,” Lemony’s eyes brightened. “Ooh how exciting.”

First Officer Zhang and the Basset ladies left the bridge. “This professor Magoo sounds useful. Perhaps he could help you rebuild our engine and if he’s that good we could take him back to Planet Square?”

“Am I not capable of fixing my own ship?!” the AI countered.

“In a word — no!”

“I’m very disappointed to hear that.”

“Can I remind you who’s in charge here?”

“Yes captain!” the AI said, begrudgingly.

“Get me everything you can find on this Professor Magoo! I’d suggest hacking this dribble-drabble-web as a starting point.”

“It’s wiggle-waggle-web, captain.”

“Detail is your department!” Captain Zhong stated as he sat back in his chair, pulling out a squareflake from the armrest compartment. “Less talk, more action, please,” he said biting into the sweet. Flakes of chocolate tumbled down his tunic.

The AI switched itself off as it couldn’t watch the debauchery.

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CHAPTER

NINE

Which introduces Ollie and Shirley to the reader.

Smurphy-Murphy stroked his chin. “I think rince Smurphy we should find somewhere to make camp, Grumps.

Pulling those wagons full of chocolate mushrooms is very tiring for the Huskies – they look like they need a rest.”

“They’re not the only ones. I’m knackered,” she said, smoke puffing from her nostrils.

“General Buzz-Fuzz,” the Prince began, “make camp!”

Shirley the head cook and, some would say, the loudest girlBasset known to man... errr... I mean dogs, started a discussion with the other ladies. “What can we make for the troops?” she asked her gaze moving around the fluffy cooks.

“How about grass and onion soup?” one cook suggested.

Ollie, one of the soldiers and Shirley’s dog-friend, twisted his face.

“Yuck! I’m sick to death of soup, I’d rather eat my own poo!”

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“Ermm!” Shirley said, her eyes narrowing. “You might have to if I get anymore lip from you. How about Poo a l’orange?”

Ollie’s shoulders dropped and he stared at the forest floor, embarrassed.“Sorry dearest, I was only kidding.”

She smiled and continued to flick through her Gordon Bumsey Basset cookbook. A recipe attracted her attention. “What about stuffed mushrooms with horseradish?”

Ollie licked his lips. “Oooh that sounds nice.”

The Lanky Dwarf piped up. “What’s it stuffed with?”

“Nuts and spices!” Shirley said.

“Not squirrel poo I hope—?”

“What if it was,” Hectar the Squirrel interrupted.

The Lanky Dwarf stomped off into the forest. “I’m going on a diet then!”

*** Later on as darkness fell, Princess Winter lay on a makeshift bed that Prince Smurphy Murphy had prepared for her. She felt a flutter in her heart when she thought about the Prince – how loving he was, how he attended to all her needs.

A romance was blossoming for sure.

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She was pulled out of her thoughts by a voice emanating from under her bed. She jumped up and checked. Her crystal ball glowed red and Wang Shu, the glass ball’s enchantress spoke out. “Your highness, help is badly needed a few miles north, north west. A Basset family is suffering at the hands of an evil sorceress, a horrible witch who enjoys putting animals through terrible suffering and...” Wang paused, “she sometimes eats them for her lunch.”

Princess Winter’s eyes filled with horror. “How awful!”

Simultaneously the Grumpy Dragon roared as she watched the same scene through her all-seeing-eye.

Evilla and her band of Putrid Pygmies were laughing as they whipped the puppies. The hideously ugly pygmoids looked as if they hadn’t eaten for a month; painfully skinny with leathery, red, hideous faces that framed sneering smiles and two very pointy fangs.

Both Winter and Grumps watched the scene in horror. Their minds merged with the Basset mother and they watched through Millie’s eyes, and felt the emotion and fear she was experiencing.

The barn looked gloomy and damp; daylight from outside seeped through the gaps in the wooden roof and slatted walls,

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partially lighting the badly maintained shelter. A dozen or so Basset puppies snuggled up to each other, their faces reflecting the fear they all must have been feeling.

Mommy Millie gazed into nothingness, her eyes filled with emotion, a single tear running down her face. The wicked witch stood at the barn door, her hideous laugh blanketed the Basset family with terror.

One of the puppies had sadly died that morning, having starved to death as the Basset mum couldn’t produce enough milk for her pups because of the tiny rations of food they were receiving

from their captors. “This will do for the pot tonight,” the Wicked Witch said, her terrifying voice resonating around the cold derelict barn.

Millie’s heart skipped a beat. She wanted to die but she glanced at her pups... They need me. I must find a way to escape she thought.

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The puppies sucked on her teats and got some milk but it was never enough. Why had she been left with this life? When the hoomans had left she’d hoped for a new beginning but one day Millie and a friend were waddling through the forest. They’d heard about King Harvey’s dogdom and headed in the general direction. They’d never made it and Evilla de Nastie and her band of evil leathery pygmies had kidnapped them to breed Bassets.

The reverie stopped and it left Winter panting. “What a terrible situation!” she said, emotionally.

The Grumpy Dragon stood up and roared fire! “We have to do something!” she said.

“It’s not an ideal time,” Prince Smurphy Murphy said. “But I agree we have to do something. Take Oreo, my cloak and we need a couple of volunteers, anyone?”

Shirley and Ollie stepped forward. “We hope to have a family one day, your liege. I cannot imagine what this mother is feeling.

We will help.”

“Indeed we will,” Ollie agreed.

“Well I’m going, those Bassets will be freed and the witch’s crappy barn will be burned to the ground – I hate bullies! No scratch that — I truly hate bullies!” The Grumpy Dragon rocked on her feet, animated with rage, smoke puffing from her nostrils and balls of fire escaping her lips.

“In view of a witch being involved, is it worth me and Hectar tagging along? I could counter some of her spells?”

Prince Smurphy Murphy slowly nodded his head. “Good idea, Gunawan!” he said.

“I’ll come as well, Princess Winter needs looking after,” Prince Benji said.

“Dad, I’m three! I can look after myself!”

“I’m coming – end of!”

Prince Smurphy Murphy laughed at his brother’s discomfort. “We will continue

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with Theo and will meet you once you’ve secured the prisoners’ release.”

“Indeed,” Prince Benji agreed. ***

A while later, after Benji had supervised loading supplies onto the wagon, Shirley, Princess Winter, Ollie and Prince Benji clambered onto the front. Oreo and Gunawan lay on the magic cloak in the back. Hectar snuggled up to his master’s chest. Grumps decided to fly ahead to hopefully locate the kidnapped Bassets.

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Shirley sneered. “This witch seems horrible.”

Ollie nodded his head in agreement. “Anyone who inflicts pain and suffering onto another is lower than a snake’s belly.”

“Hope Grumps finds them, then we’ll have a target.”

As the group made their way through the jungle, Prince Benji’s eyes were drawn to white flashes through the gaps of the trees.

A low rumble resonated around the Bassets. The prince stopped the wagon and he and the rest of the group made their way toward the noise. “Wow,” he said, his eyes widening.

They were now closer to the waterfall than before. The lake below frothed furiously. The opening above looked huge, a blue sky above lit up the hidden cavern. A dot on the horizon grabbed the group’s attention.

Was it a bird, or a dinosaur? Then Princess Winter checked with her binoculars. “It’s Grumps.”

The dragon landed next to them, she sucked in much needed breaths of air. “I’m puffed out,” she said. “I’ve located the witch’s coven and the barn.”

“That’s good,” Shirley said. “What does the waterfall look like from above?”

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“Stunning!” she said between puffs. “There’s a huge loch on the top of the mountain and in its centre there’s a giant whirlpool.

I couldn’t see much below the eddy because of watery-mist but I’m here so I managed to fly through it. As I descended into this cavern, I noticed a castle sitting on a hill on the banks of the underground loch. I think the fact it’s not clear what the whirlpool conceals is why this cavern has remained a secret all these years.”

Benji focussed on the mission to save the Basset family. “So how did the land lie?”

“There’s a group of hideous-looking pygmies that are not far from the barn. They seem to spend their time drinking, dancing round the fire, and eating. The witch is an evil peacock who’s shapeshifted into an ugly sorceress. I saw her in my all-seeingeye killing and eating all sorts of animals. We could do with sending her to Hell with a one-way ticket.”

Gunawan pursed his lips. “She’s called Evilla de Nastie.”

“You know her?” Benji asked.

“It’s a very small world inside the Guild of Magicians and Mysterions.”

“Is she dangerous?”

“Put it this way, whatever we do must be permanent or she’ll reign her own brand of terror onto the Bassets with her band of not-so-merry-freaks.” freaks.”

“I think we need to get going, it’ll be dark in an hour,” Oreo pointed out.

“Indeed,” Benji agreed so they started moving; freedom for those poor puppies was imminent!

Prince Benji sat at the front of the wagon and Ollie sat next to him. A cacophony of snoring came from the back. After a final push through the bracken, the group arrived at Location X,, as it had been called.

Prince Benji glanced toward the snoozing crew in the back.

“I think we should sneak up to the barn and get the lie of the land. Then we can decide on what to do.”

Grumbles and groans came from the

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team. Hectar Squirrel jumped onto Gunawan’s head. “The witch will be in her coven, casting her spells and plotting debauchery.”

Prince Benji twisted his lip in disgust. “What a nasty piece of work she is... bah!” He glanced at Shirley and Princess Winter and turned toward one of the Basset soldiers. “Why don’t you get a fire going for the ladies. We’ll crack on and do the recce.”

Shirley offered Ollie a loving smile. “I can have some supper ready for when you get back—” “I’ll come for protection if you want. I have Prince SmurphyMurphy’s cloak,” Oreo interrupted.

“Excellent!” Prince Benji mused. “Having the magic cloak with us will be a great comfort.”

A short time later wagons rolled as Prince Smurphy-Murphy would have said but in this case it was a single wagon.

As the sun dropped over the horizon, darkness crept into every nook and cranny of the forest. The guttural sounds of the creature-nightshift echoed around Prince Benji and Ollie.

After a short journey they approached the location of the barn, and as agreed they replaced talking with sign language. Sounds of drunkenness and frivolity filled the air. The Putrid Pygmies were close by. The Prince and Ollie crawled through the long grass to the edge of the clearing where the dwarf-like like monsters partied.

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Prince Benji studied the group with his night-vision binoculars.

The pygmies were clearly drunk. Prince Benji surmised that if they waited for a while, the pygmies would fall asleep. He and Ollie, with Oreo as backup, would then be able to check in on the Basset family. He whispered to Ollie. “We’ll play the waiting game,” he said pointing to an imaginary watch on his wrist.

Ollie nodded.

Both Bassets and Oreo closed their eyes and waited... ...and waited...

A couple of hours later, the Prince was woken by the most grotesque snoring reverberating on the wind. He nudged Ollie, who woke up, sleepily and the Prince nodded toward the barn. The pygmies had fallen into a drunken coma.

“They’re hideous excuses for God’s creatures,” the Prince complained. “I’m looking forward to taking them down.”

The two Basset soldiers snaked their way to the barn. Outside they checked for pygmies – all clear. So they went in. The mother Basset lay stretched out on a bed of straw, her ribs were clearly visible and her belly and teats were dry. Her puppies looked drawn and emaciated. Benji wondered when they’d last eaten properly or if they’d ever had a decent meal in their very short and very troubled lives.

Mother Basset pricked up her ears, she’d become aware of the two Bassets. She stood up, shaking with terror. Before she could speak, Benji gave her a cuddle. “We are here to help you! You’ll be safe soon,” he whispered into her ear.

Her eyes filled with emotion and she shook with a combination of relief and fear.

“How?” she said.

“I represent King Harvey of the Basset Dogdom and as a citizen of those lands we will mobilise a thousand Bassets a n d

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various other fearsome friends to release you and your pups from this torture.”

“But I’ve never been to your Bassetland.”

“Doesn’t matter, no Basset is ever forgotten. What’s your name?”

“Millie,” she said, tears running down her face.

“We’re going to leave you for tonight. Tomorrow at this time we shall return and take you from this terrible place,” he said, sympathetically. “I need to prepare my men and lady Bassets for a battle.”

Millie grabbed Prince Benji’s paw in desperation. “Can we not come now?”

“Be patient, I don’t want the witch here. Her spells are hard to fight against,” Prince Benji said, soothingly. “I won’t let you down.”

Ollie offered his open arms and gave Millie a big hug. Prince Benji patted the pups on the head.

“Are you going to save us,” Charlie, the runt of the litter, asked as they were about to leave.

“Indeed we are bonny lad, your life begins today!” The Prince kissed his paw and touched the pup on the nose.

Charlie’s eyes brightened. “I will never forget you doing this.”

The Bassets left.

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CHAPTER T

EN

t was a lovely day at Magoo’s Mill, the Homeguard HQ. The dogs of the protectorate assembled in the professor’s garden at the request of King Harvey who was worried sick about his missing operatives.

“The disappearance of Posh Branch’s best agents is very worrying news and leaves us with no choice but to send out a search party.”

Sergeant Danglebelly nodded his head, slowly. “We need the very best waddlers who can lie low, follow Posh Branch’s scent and stealthily creep up on the enemy; save the ladies and get everyone out of there before the aliens know what’s hit them.”

The King paced back and forth behind the sergeant. “Yes, only the best trained trackers should apply.”

“I’d like to offer myself as leader of this dark ops mission, your majesty.” Professor Magoo said. “As you know I’ve been working on the wiggle-waggle-web web and one of its features is smellfi.”

“What does it do?” King Harvey asked.

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“All Bassets have had their unique aromas sampled and held on a database. The system sniffs out odours, runs the pong through the computer and identifies friend or foe and the location the smell originated from.”

“That’s amazing! Bit like a Basset but with circuit boards.”

“Indeed, sir.”

“Does the overall system have a name, sir?”

Sergeant Danglebelly asked.

“Of course your lordship, it’s called Bassnet.

A name that will be written down by Basset historians as the greatest innovation since...” the professor paused. “Errr... chocolate mushrooms of course.”

A round of applause broke out from the soldiers of the Homeguard. King Harvey continued to pace up and down, clapping his older brother’s innovation.

Sergeant Danglebelly stepped forward.

“You’re definitely in, professor. You’re our greatest asset; I offer myself as your bodyguard. As you know my credentials are impeccable and include sneaking up on unsuspecting truffles and extracting them from the ground before they can escape.

These aliens will have no chance.”

King Harvey coughed. “So fellow Bassets,” the King said, proudly, “we can’t allow our way of life to be spoilt by the aliens. We shall fight on the beaches of Loch Basset, we shall fight on the landing grounds of Bracken Woods, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets of Basset Town, we shall fight in the hills. We shall never surrender and if, which I do not for the moment believe, this dogdom or a large part of it were subjugated and starving, then our army will carry on the struggle until, in God’s good time, he allows us a great victory for the animal kingdom and my fellow Bassets.”

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To a man, the Basset Homeguard pushed their chests out, pulled back their shoulders and saluted. The emotion in the air was electrifying but the atmosphere was interrupted by one of King Harvey’s dogservants approaching.

“The mail pigeons have an urgent message for you, my liege.”

King Harvey made his way outside. Barry and Wayne flapped onto a nearby tree.

“Sorry to rain on your parade but we have bad news, your majesty.”

“Prince Smurphy Murphy is saddened to report that he and his army are lost,” Barry continued. “They’ve taken the wrong turn and ended up in an undiscovered world, a world which is full of carnivores.”

“This couldn’t have come at a worse time,” the King said. “Did he say how long it would take for them to get back on track?”

“It could be a while,” Wayne cooed. “The jungle-like vegetation has slowed them down to a snail’s pace and the area and the skies are populated by dinosaurs... dwarf, Basset-, and pigeon eating dinosaurs, your liege.”

“It’s true sir. We were chased by feathered dinobirds sharp-looking with hideous long noses and very sharp teeth,” Barry added.

One of the men stepped forward. “My name is Doctor Stanley Treblechins and I offer my services to his majesty and the dogdom. As well as being trained as a medical and therapy dog, my nose for picking up trails is legendary. I’ll be able to locate the Basset army and guide them home.”

“I can vouch for that,” another Basset said, moving in behind Doctor Stanley.

“Your name?” Sergeant Danglebelly asked.

“I am Henry Bellyfluff and I will accompany Doctor Stanley, if you agree?”

“I don’t think we have any choice but to split the men into two groups. Sergeant Danglebelly and Tup Dumbledog, you can

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assist Professor Magoo. Stanley Treblechins and Henry, your mission is to locate the Basset army and help them through those terrible lands, returning them safely to the dogdom.”

A chorus of “Sir!” filled the Mill’s garden.

“Barry, Wayne, have some rest and you can be Doctor Stanley’s eyes in the sky when they set off tomorrow.”

“Will do, sir,” both pigeons cooed.

“Can we meet here at the Mill, tomorrow?” Professor Magoo said. “I’m a little behind in my electricity generation, thanks to the Major at the mongrel dogdom. I need a couple of hours before we leave.”

“Seems like a good idea,” Stanley added. “I’ve never followed a bird before so I’ll need to sample their unique smell so we can track them.”

“Barry can be the subject of the scientific study!”

Wayne confirmed.

“Why’s it always me?” Barry grumbled.

“It’s pigeon tradition,” Wayne said.

“Ask for a pay rise... it’s pigeon tradition, be the subject of a scientific experiment... it’s pigeon tradition! It’s always me cos I’m the youngest, when does it end?” he complained.

“That’s because you are the youngest and it is pigeon tradition that the youngest gets these jobs! It’s not difficult for a peanut brain to understand, is it?”

Barry went to speak but his frustration got too much and he flapped off into the sky.

“See you tomorrow,” Wayne told Stanley and followed his huffy colleague into the clouds.

Next day, Professor Magoo, Sergeant Danglebelly and Tup Dumbledog were inside the control room at Bracken Mill.

Stanley and Henry were wearing facemasks and plastic gloves in a separate room. Barry sat nervously on a perch and Wayne sat in a soft chair with his legs crossed. “Right

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Barry,” Doctor Stanley started. “What we will do is take a swab from your mouth, under your wings and...” he paused for a few seconds. “I’ll have to investigate your bottom and smell your coo-poo.”

“Errrr, I don’t think so,” he said pulling his birdy-bum as close to his body as he could.

“Could I remind you that this mission has been sanctioned by royal decree? Failure to comply will mean the King’s cooks putting you into a pie…”

Wayne put his wing over his mouth and held in a laugh.

Barry looked at him, sternly. “I suppose if you put it like that, I don’t have a choice!”

“No, you don’t,” Stanley confirmed, “even though the pie does sound rather scrumptious.” *** Professor Magoo sat at the control desk at the power generation station. “When this dial reaches the green section, hit the red button,” he told Tup Dumbledog.

“And don’t mess it up,” Sergeant Danglebelly said, tersely.

“I won’t, Uncle Tobias.”

Professor Magoo pulled a lever and outside he could hear the water turbine beginning to turn. “Remember, when it hits the green, press the red button,” he told Tup again.

The professor and Sergeant Danglebelly went outside to a wooden balcony next to the wheel. “Is it working?” the sergeant asked.

Professor Magoo punched buttons on the amp meter and a pointer flicked ever closer to green. “It seems to be,” he confirmed. The water turbine gathered speed and the noise became so loud that it was hard to be heard. “Tell Tup to push the button!” he shouted to Sergeant Danglebelly.

The sergeant opened the door into the control room.

“Commence the mission!”

Tup looked at him, dumbly. “What mission?”

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Sergeant Danglebelly tutted. “Activate electricity generation by pushing the red button you plonker!”

“Ahh, right!” he said. Mechanical movements were heard above them. A wooden flap opened on the roof of the mill and a satellite dish deployed and began rotating. The professor and Sergeant Danglebelly came back into the control room. The aged but extremely talented scientist sat at his console, furiously typing data into the computer.

“This is exciting!” Tup said.

“Scanning for a signal!” the professor informed them. Five dots appeared and flashed red on the screen. Ask the computer to give

us the co-ordinates of the targets,” he told Tup who sat in front of the microphone but stupidly he picked up the mouse and spoke into it. “Computer, give me the location of the signals.”

Sergeant Danglebelly slapped his face with the palm of his hand.

“You need to speak into this,” he said, tapping the microphone.

“Okay, sorry. Computer — location please?” Tup asked, moving his mouth toward the mic.

Binary numbers flashed and flickered down the screen. “Unable to confirm at the moment, please try later,” the computer said.

Professor Magoo stroked his chin. “That’s strange,” he

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said. “The computer should be able to pick up Posh Branch’s location from their transponders.” Then a moment of revelation hit him and his paws flashed across the keyboard as he input more data. He hit the return button and two of the buttons changed their hue to pink.

“What was wrong?” Sergeant Danglebelly asked.

“I hadn’t acquired the signal from Posh Branch’s handbags.”

“Of course,” the sergeant said, laughing. “Why didn’t I think of that?”

“Location is Bracken Woods, one hundred yards north of the Wise Goblin’s hut.”

“I know that location,” the sergeant confirmed. “I’ll let his majesty know.”

The resounding drone of the water turbine turning and producing electricity would now be a feature of the mill. Professor Magoo allowed a small smile to grace his lips. “Now I need to get the ‘Smellfi’ working correctly and sniffing like it should.” ***

Doctor Stanley pulled on rubber gloves, while Barry swallowed, nervously. “This won’t hurt in any way — it’s a simple procedure, now can you spread your pigeon-legs, please?”

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“Do I have to?”

Stanley allowed himself a small smile. “I’m afraid so.”

The pigeon obeyed and he waggled his tail, rocked back and forth on the perch and his legs gradually moved astride; Doctor Stanley’s nose went into twitch-overdrive as he moved closer to Barry’s bottom, Barry’s rather pert and smelly bottom.

“Oooh that’s cold,” Barry complained as Stanley’s nose scanned the pigeon’s bum for pungent pigeon aromas.

“That smells rather pleasant, actually,” he said, wiping some poop off the pigeon’s rear end with his finger. He licked it... his eyes rolled around his head in ecstasy...

“Tasty. If you ever feel the need to drop the mother coo-pooload on me, feel free to do it. I can think of nothing better than licking it off. Certainly smells nicer than fox-droppings!”

“Yuck-coo-coo!” the pigeon said, retching.

“Do you want to smell it, Henry?”

“I think in the interest of science, I need to!” he said, enthusiastically. “Any chance of a wee taste as well?”

Barry turned his head and looked at his medical… err... well maybe not so medical team, today. “You Bassets are a bunch of goofy numbskulls.” cutting-edge medical science “This is cutting if you must know,” Doctor Stanley pointed out.

The medical team completed their examination, Barry couldn’t get out quick enough and Stanley and Henry sat back on the couch licking their fingers.

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CHAPTER

ELEVEN

he Basset army made its way around the perimeter of the hidden lake towards the castle, the Prince was in awe of what he was seeing. The sandstone bastion sat on top of a huge rocky outcrop, and light from a gap in the granite canopy highlighted the building like a proud giant protecting his people or in this case, dinosaurs.

Several dinosaurs bathed in the subterranean waters while a chattering of Pteranodons squawked across the skies.

Theodoesius smiled. “It’s beautiful isn’t it?”

Prince Smurphy Murphy nodded. “It certainly is, I’m surprised the hoomans didn’t ruin it…”

“Fortunately for us, an old volcano existed here billions of years ago. When the asteroid wiped out most of my fellow dinosaurs, the wind and the weather took over and softened the rock’s edges, water from the slopes washed away the lava rock and the remnants of the firey mountain, opening up what is now the Dinodom’s canopy and lands below. The sinkhole is effectively a cave but nature has worked her magic, given it light and life, and this is what you see before you.”

“That is truly amazing.”

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“It is,” Theodoesius agreed. “During the Armageddon a few of us heard about this place and amidst the imminent destruction of the planet we were saved by coming here. The hoomans never found us as from all sides it seemed like just another Scottish mountain with a loch covering its valleys. Of course the odd one did set foot in the Dinodom but sadly they mostly ended up as lunch for the hungry carnivores.”

“It’s a sad but a not too unfamiliar story,” the Prince noted.

The wagons moved closer to the castle. The Grumpy Dragon broke the silence by puffing fire from her mouth. “I’m off for a look around,” she said.

“Okay Grumps, watch out for dragon-eating carnivores,” those dragon the Prince joked.

“You should be telling them to watch out for me,” she said, sternly.

Her huge wings flapped and she was gone.

The track snaked round to the back of the castle and a ramp led up to Theodoesius’ home.

Buzz-Fuzz General Buzz Fuzz directed the wagons to park up and they entered the building. The doors were huge, obviously, because they needed to be for the height of the Dwarfosaurus but the Bassets looked tiny in comparison.

Inside, three of Theodoesius’ family stood in line to receive their guests. “May I introduce you to Mamadoesius, my wife and my two children, Theodoesnotius, and Theoneverdoesius—” “Why’s everyone called Theo?” the Lanky Dwarf asked.

“Good question, Big Nose. Well... Mama does, Dada does, Little Theo does not and Big Theo never does,” he said laughing.

The Lanky Dwarf developed a confused expression on his face. “I think I understand,” he said.

“Lovely to meet you all. Have you lived here long?” the Prince asked.

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“Just a couple of billion years,” mama said. “I’ve put on some food for you. I hope you’ll like it.”

The Prince moved his gaze around the grand hall. He was taken aback at the scale of everything. Chairs, bookshelves and ornaments were huge compared to what he was used to. It had to be bigger, he supposed. A huge dinosaur couldn’t rest its scaled booty on a hooman-sized comfy chair could they?

Theodoesius picked up a pipe from the coffee table. “Your uncle forgot this when he left. If you catch up with him could you return it and tell him Theo says hi!”

The Lanky Dwarf sniffed the antique pipe, a single tear rolled down his cheek.

“Don’t start me off,” the Pumpy Dwarf said, simultaneously releasing a hurricane of stink from his underused but still overactive bottom. The Grumpy Dragon’s diet had worked quite well... up to this point Pumpy had been... well... shall we say less smelly. But now it appeared she would have to go back to the drawing board as a hurricane of stinkiness engulfed everyone.

Prince Smurphy Murphy coughed. “I apologise for the dwarf’s bad manners, Mamadoesius. He is the exception and not the rule, thankfully.”

“It’s okay,” she said. “I have children so know the problem.”

The Dwarfosaurus family, the senior Bassets, Bruce, Maximillion and the dwarves sat at the family table. Theodoesius had padded the settee with several cushions and some wooden stepladders lay against the furniture to get their guests up and onto the seat.

Mama raised a glass of spring water to her guests, “May your journey be a safe one and I send my love to the Basset Dogdom.”

“I know that name…” Theodoesius said.

“You’re thinking of a Bassetosaurus, darling,” Mama said.

The Prince’s eyes narrowed, slightly. “That’s weird, what do they look like?”

“Four chunky legs, very sharp teeth, two spiky horns and leathery skin,” Theodoesius added.

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“And they smell everything, eat their own poo and devour anyone with or without a pulse.”

“Not more monsters,” the Lanky Dwarf said hiding himself in a gap in the cushions.

“My investigations lead me to believe that we are descendants of these creatures,” Dogwin added. “All life as we know it today are descendants of the dinosaurs, including hoomans...” he paused, “and dwarves.”

“Where can we view a Bassetosaurus?” the Prince enquired.

“They’re a pack animal,” Theodoesius began. “So there’ll be a lot of them together. I can’t stress enough that if they get a scent...” the Dwarfosaurus paused for a second, “of a potential lunch, they’ll be after you like a dinorabbit going down a hole.”

“I know the mindset of pack animals,” Maximillion said matterof-factly. “They’ll be pussy cats when they see me and Zeus facing them.”

“Ha!” Theodoesius smiled. “Maybe they will be but Big Nose and his brothers won’t see it like that when they’re stampeding toward them.”

Maximillion growled a laugh. “You could very well be right.”

The Bassets, Theo and family chatted for hours and late...very late to be honest, they were shown to their rooms.

After a lovely night’s sleep where Prince Smurphy Murphy shared a bed with General Buzz-Fuzz and the three dwarves, he stretched his arms out, rolled over and looked at the Lanky Dwarf who slept. The prince licked his face with the most slobbery, slurpy lick known to dogs or dwarves.

“Get orf!” Lanky shouted, sleepily.

During the night he’d woken up several times. First time a dwarf’s foot had dug into his cheeks, then the general’s head lay on his chest, his mouth doing a solo of the Janglejowl Overture, and the last straw was the Lanky Dwarf talking in his sleep, saying “I think I love you, boss.”

Fortunately, the bed was dinosaur-sized and room to dinosaur stretch wasn’t a problem.

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As the sun rose, groans and moans came from the guest bedroom.

“I think we should get up, we’re meeting our ancestors today,” the Prince mused.

The Lanky Dwarf pulled the covers over his eyes, “I’m not going.”

“Breakfast is ready,” Mamadoesius shouted from the entrance hall.

The Prince, General Buzz-Fuzz and the dwarves jumped up and headed downstairs. There was nothing like the promise of food to focus a mind, particularly a Basset’s mind!

In the dining room, Theo’s family sat at the table holding their knives and forks that had been crafted lovingly from old bones.

“Good morning!” Theodoesius greeted. “A quick breakfast and then off to the Bassetosaurus Serengeti.”

Prince Smurphy Murphy sat with his knife and fork pointing upwards. He smiled. “Tuck in boys and ladies - a full English!”

Theo returned the Prince’s happy gaze. “I read up on this and thought you’d like it.”

“Indeed we do.”

Silence descended, there wasn’t much conversation around the table, just plenty of crunching, slurping, burping, lip-licking and, in the case of the Pumpy Dwarf, some cheek-wobbling.

After their much needed grub, the Bassets and crew loaded their wagons. Prince Smurphy Murphy thanked Mama and gave the children a slice of chocolate mushroom each. It had been funny to watch them twist their faces as they put the treat into their mouths but as the silky-smooth taste of the chocolate drowned their tastebuds, smiles, well very big smiles, developed on their faces.

The procession left as a hundred or so dinobirds circled above, no doubt assessing their prey. Theodoesius roared. “Raaahhhhh!”

The birds screeched and flew away. He was too big to argue with, for sure, especially if you were a bird.

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CHAPTER TWELVE

tanley finished with the pigeons then stroked his chin, gathering his thoughts. “I’d like to thank you for putting yourself... I mean putting your deliciously stinky bottom forward or even backwards for these tests. It has been informative and...” Stanley paused, “your coo—poo smells delightful.”

“Coo...coo...yuck!” the pigeons squawked in chorus.

Stanley smiled. “We shall be ready for the mission at eleven bells. We’ll meet you at Tumbledown Gap and you can show us which route to take.”

The two pigeons hopped onto the windowsill.

“Thank you, doctor,” Wayne said, they flapped their wings and flew off.

Stanley turned to Henry, a focussed expression on his face. “Have you checked supplies?”

“Yes of course, doctor: first aid kit – check, water – check, emergency rations – check, and stethoscope – check.”

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Doctor Stanley nodded. “All sounds good, let’s get this show on the road.”

Stanley and Henry pulled on their rucksacks and left Magoo’s Mill and headed into the woods. Stanley immediately picked up the pigeon’s scent that would lead him to Tumbledown Gap. He knew the area well. He liked nothing more than waddling there with his mates, rolling in fox poo, chasing the wildlife and enjoying an alfresco lunch of chocolate mushrooms.

A couple of hours later he and Henry arrived at the target location.

No sign of the mail pigeons so they decided to make camp. Both Bassets knew the rocky area well and were surprised to hear from Wayne that there was a concealed opening in the rock that snaked its way through the mountain to the other side. Henry gathered some twigs and made a fire. Stanley decided to explore.

He scanned the granite edifice with his binoculars and noticed a dark area halfway up. He rubbed his eyes as he thought he could see smoke coming from the opening. Perhaps not, he thought.

He clambered up and sure enough the shadow he’d seen dropped away to an opening, a cave in fact. “Hello,” he shouted, but no reply came. “Is there anyone there?”

He felt confused; there was a smell but what? Doctor Stanley glanced down at Henry who now was a tiny blip amongst the rocks and vegetation below. Stanley climbed down into the cave: it was dark and damp, a drip...drip...drip echoed around the cavern. Water had somehow found a way through the gaps and crevices in the granite and the sound broke the eerie silence. Stanley noticed wooden crates piled up in the corner.

Suddenly a shadow moved out of the darkness, “Whooooaaa!” Stanley barked. “Who are you?”

The light from outside illuminated the mystery cave-dweller dweller enough for Stanley to see him clearly. “A hooman?”

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The figure laughed. “There aren’t many of us left.” The man was dressed in a multi-coloured coat made from fur and brown leather.

The stranger had a bandana tied around his head and he looked unkempt. A suede man-bag hung from his shoulders.

“Why are you here?”

“All my life I’ve worked with animals,” the hooman said. “I couldn’t in all honesty contemplate a life without cats or dogs.

So it was stay and live a simpler life helping animals or leave and be unhappy. It was a no-brainer!”

“That’s a nice sentiment, I know your face I think. Did you ever go to the woods at Gusted Hall, near Southend-on-Sea?” “No, not that I can recall, my practice was in Surrey,” the man coughed, modestly. “You may have seen me on the telly though.”

“I remember you now, my hoomans used to watch your show!”

“It wasn’t really a show, more like a dogumentary.”

“So why did you come to the valleys?”

“Once all the humans had left, I rattled around my surgery for a while. I had no customers, no patients, nothing to do. I was walking in the fields and I bumped into a group of mongrels who told me that dogs were building a life here in Scotland. I thought I had nothing to lose but to try and help.”

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“You have a good heart... remind me of your name.”

“My name is Noel Fixdogquick.”

“I’ve never met a supervet before.”

“I just did my job like many others did. They were supervets, also.”

“This is perfect timing! As a PAT dog trained in medical procedures, King Harvey asked me to help build a hospital for Bassets. Obviously with my experience, I’d need to be in charge, however you could be my assistant. You’ll get a bed, and three square meals a day for your trouble.”

“That sounds fantastic... when do I start?” Noel said.

“Soon, first we have to finish our mission. The King’s army is missing. We have been tasked to find them. I would appreciate your help?”

Noel opened his bag. “I have drugs,” he said, showing Stanley the contents. Then he gestured toward the piles of boxes in the corner. “Plenty of them in fact.”

“That’s excellent!”

An echoey voice interrupted the conversation. Doctor Stanley pricked his ears up.

“The mail pigeons are here,” Henry shouted from below.

Stanley turned toward the entrance and started sniffing. After a few seconds. “Yep, definitely here, I can smell them!”

Barry and Wayne flapped onto a rock at the cave entrance.

The pigeons looked surprised. “What... where... who is that?”

Wayne asked.

Henry saw the human and clambered up the rockface. Out of breath he stared at the supervet.

“This is my new assistant, Noel Fixdogquick,” Stanley said, proudly gesturing toward the supervet with his paw.

“I know you!” Henry said.

“Have you been to my referrals centre?”

“No but I know a few Bassets that have; you were a bit of a legend in Wobblybum society. At least working

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with Professor Treblechins will broaden your horizons!” Henry pointed out.

“Right,” Stanley focussed. “Barry, Wayne, could you head to where Prince Smurphy Murphy and the Basset army are located? and we’ll follow your pong.”

“Sounds straightforward,” Wayne said.

“Yes, as clear as pigeon poo,” Barry added.

Noel interrupted. “I’ve been here for a while now and on my travels looking for food I found a secret world. The animals, the whole look of the forest and vegetation appeared to be tropical.

Perhaps they’re lost in there?”

Stanley’s eyes widened. “Yes, that’s where we believe the Basset army are. How did you get access?”

“There’s another cave further up that takes you through to the world. Only thing is I had to abseil down to it!”

Barry pulled his shoulders together, rocked from one foot to another and did a dummy flap of his wings which attracted Noel’s attention. “I’ve already told him this.”

Stanley’s mouth dropped, disappointed. “That would be great but we don’t have any rope.”

“I have plenty here. I found it and I never throw anything out in case we needed it.”

“We,” Stanley laughed. “There’s only you!”

“I have a friend, he’s a bat!”

“Yoo hoo luvvies!”

Noel glanced toward a dark corner of the cave; two piercing eyes stared out of the darkness. “May I introduce Batty the Bat? He’s ... ermm... a little bit batty!”

“Howdy Batty,” Stanley and Henry said in chorus.

“Nice to meet you,” Batty squeaked.

Stanley really liked Noel and his new assistant who seemed as mad as... err... a bat! Noel was not mad or daft for that matter even though he did look quite daft.

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“Can we get the rope then?”

“On my way, boss,” Noel said as he dropped into a gap in the cave floor.

A few minutes later, his head popped out of the hole. “Grab these,” he said, passing the rope bundles toward Henry who piled them up neatly.

Barry and Wayne coughed in unison.

“Do you still need us?”

“We still need eyes in the sky so yes. I’ll give you the nod when you can leave.”

A chorus of coos and flapping wings came from the two mail pigeons.

“You’re the boss, boss.”

“Okay,” Noel began, “We need to climb to the top and drop down on ropes and when level with the opening we can swing into the cave. It won’t be easy but we can do it!”

“We certainly can,” Stanley agreed. As a dedicated outdoor dog, he looked forward to these challenges but he did wonder how they’d get the wagons full of chocolate mushrooms down from the cave.

The two Bassets and Noel climbed up the rocky face and at the top they stood at the cliff’s edge, where Stanley tentatively looked over. He could just see the entrance to the hidden world.

The supervet tied the rope around a large boulder, and threw it over the cliff. He grabbed it and dropped himself over the edge, abseiling down to the ledge in front of the cave.

Stanley followed. “Wheeeee... this is so much fun!”

Henry was the last to go, his face wobbled with the g-forces of the descent. “Yeeeeehaaaaa...!” he shouted. “I think we’ve found our new pastime if there’s no fox poo to roll in.”

They dropped onto the ledge and Noel pushed them inside. Barry and Wayne flew over and Barry landed on Noel’s head. “See no ropes needed,” he joked.

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Noel nudged him away and they made their way into the tunnel and began their journey.

After about an hour Stanley stopped to gather his breath. “How far now?”

Noel pointed to the light at the end of the tunnel, ahead. “Not that far.”

Ten minutes later they arrived at the hidden world. The vista that greeted them was stunning: a horseshoe of rock from the extinct volcano encircled a lake, massive sandy plains filled with dinosaurs. Many different flying species peppered the sky. “My God, this is beautiful…” Henry mused.

“I would never have thought that this existed here in the valleys.

I am so pleased the hoomans never discovered it or there’d be a theme park here.”

“With burger vans and jugglers,” Noel joked. Both Bassets laughed as did Noel.

Barry dropped onto a horned bush. “Ouch!” Barry shouted.

Wayne followed him onto the prickly shrub.

“That hurts,” he added as he pulled a thorn from his bum.

Stanley pursed his lips, disapprovingly. “Try a different tree you numbskull!”

“Pigeon brain,” Wayne muttered to Barry who shook his head in disbelief.

“Why do I always get the blame for everything that goes wrong?”

“Cos you’re the youngest and the dippiest.” Wayne said matterof-factly.

“Yes, I know it’s pigeon tradition — I give up!”

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N

RTEE I H T APTER

CH

rince Smurphy Murphy, Theo and the Basset army made their way deeper into the Serengeti. The Prince noticed through gaps in the trees that the loch had disappeared and a sandy desert had replaced it. They reached a clearing and Prince Smurphy Murphy gathered his breath while admiring uninterrupted views of the Dinodom’s Serengeti.

Theo scanned the plains. “I can’t see any Bassetosaurus but we’ll probably hear them.”

The Lanky Dwarf studied the dinosaurs.“What make are all these monsters?” he asked, stupidly.

“Make, haha!” Theo laughed. “I presume you mean species?”

Lanky’s eyes rolled around his head, dumbly. “Well, whatever they’re called.”

“Over there, the animals with the long necks, they are Diplodocus and are generally friendly. On its own eating the leaves from the tree is a Spinosaurus. Again vegetarians so not a threat unless you happen to be a tree,” Theo joked.

“Or a bit wooden,” Maximillion said, patting Lanky’s head.

Suddenly a herd of dinosaurs came out of the dark corner and headed to the small watering hole. The pre-historic monsters chased the Spinosaurus who literally pooped himself in fear. It

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ran off and the dinosaurs feasted on the huge pile of stinking, steaming, smelly poo.

“A Bassetosaurus I presume?” Prince Smurphy Murphy said matter-of-factly.

Theo nodded. “Indeed.”

“They’re huge and do have a look of a Basset about them, mainly in the face.”

“And their mannerisms,” General Buzz-Fuzz added as one of the calves dropped his shoulder and rolled over into the pile of dinosaur smelliness.

The biggest of the group bulldozed the others out of the way and woofed down the remainder of the Spinosaurus poop. It suddenly looked up, raised its eyebrows and its nose twitched into smell mode. Theo lifted his foot, licked it and held it toward the oncoming wind.

“Oh dear,” he said. “We’re downwind of the herd,

I suggest we get out of here.”

“Wh...” the Lanky Dwarf started but stopped as the big Bassetosaurus stampeded toward them followed by his group.

Prince Smurphy Murphy swallowed hard. “Put the wagons into a circle and prepare to be overwhelmed.”

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Maximillion, Zeus, Bruce and Theo pushed their chests out, pulled their shoulders back and stepped forward. The Bassetosaurus bull got closer. It was bigger than Prince Smurphy Murphy had realised. It stopped in front of them, shook its head and roared.

“We’ve already had a dinosaur roaring at us and it didn’t frighten us,” Maximillion said, bravely.

“Yeah you definitely don’t frighten me,” Bruce said.

“Speak for yourself,” the Lanky Dwarf squeaked.

To their surprise the huge dinosaur spoke. “I’m not trying to frighten you – why would I as you will be my dinner soon,” the monster said in a voice that would be more suited to a tiny mouse rather than a ten ton carnivore.

Squeak laughed. “My children sound more intimidating than you, big lugs.”

“Really?” the dinosaur said, calmly. “One crunch and you’d be toast.”

“Wraaaaahhhhhh!”

Squeak shouted, running forward and nipping the monster on his hooves with his razor sharp teeth.

The Bassetosaurus jumped onto its back legs, blubbed like a child and then ran back to the pack. “I’ll be back when I get hungry,” it said, threateningly.

The herd of Bassetosauruses ran away, a cloud of dust trailing behind them.

Maximillion patted Squeak on his head.

“You have the heart of a lion – well done.”

The giant mouse blew on his nails and turned red in embarrassment. “It’s a rodent thing,” he said, giggling.

“We need to keep moving,” Prince Smurphy Murphy said.

“Remember the Basset dogdom has been invaded by aliens and we need to get home!”

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“I’m going to have to say goodbye, now,” Theo interrupted. “I have some unruly child dinosaurs to teach in my class.”

“You’re a teacher?” the Prince asked. ”I help dumb dinosaurs to be not so dumb!” he said, glancing at the Lanky Dwarf.

“Hey don’t look at me, I’m not dumb at all — just stupid!”

The Pumpy Dwarf face palmed himself in disbelief.

“Before you go,” the Prince began, “have you any tips to stay out of the Bassetosaurus’ way?”

“Stay upwind and don’t make too much noise. They’ll be back as their leader was shown up by a two—foot tall mouse.”

“Will do, thanks.”

Theo made his way off into the jungle, whistling like one of Snow White’s happy dwarves.

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CHAPTER FOURTEEN ing Harvey spoke in a low tone, his words tinged with regret. “Right gentlemen. Our agents of Posh Branch appear to be onboard the alien ship along with at least three aliens. I can only assume that they’re being held under duress as Lemony Snicket never misses an appointment at Missy Yang’s.”

Sergeant Danglebelly twisted his lips. What’s the world coming to – Bassets getting their manes styled? he thought. He preferred the good old days of stinking like a skunk’s bottom and a pint of slobber all over his fur. He sighed quietly.

“Get the men ready, sergeant. We’re going in.”

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CHAPTER FIFTE

EN

he last twenty twenty-four hours had been the longest of the Prince’s life. He couldn’t get the vision of Millie crying out of his mind. The thoughts added to the fire of rage building within.

Prince Benji didn’t have the inner calm of his brothers yet. He was half their age but what he lost in calm thinking he made up for by being a whirlwind of Basset stubbornness. As a precaution he’d donned battle-armour, even though he knew his battle the pygmies were no threat to him or his brother’s magic cloak.

“You okay, dad?” Winter asked.

“I suppose so,” he said, tearily. “Seeing those pups has made me more determined to be there for Bassets in need.”

“It’s a wonderful cause, monsieur. Perhaps you could call it the Danglebelly Basset Foundation. Build up your contacts and be there for dogs in need,” Oreo said.

Winter chipped in. “I will help. After hearing you talk about the unbounded torture that family is going through, it’s the least I can do.”

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“It stops tonight!” Prince Benji asserted.

Fire snorted from the Grumpy Dragon’s nostrils. “Indeed it does!”

Oreo checked his timepiece. “Time to get going.”

The group left the wagon where it was and they made their way up the track. The Grumpy Dragon flew ahead. No one would ever consider a dragon flying by as unusual, especially in this world, so it made it easier for her than walking.

A short time later, they arrived in the vicinity of the pygmy camp.

There was one problem though; the deformed midgets weren’t there. Prince Benji scratched his head in disbelief. “Where are they?” he complained.

Grumps soared into the air and flew in a circle around the disused camp where the fire had almost gone out. She quickly landed.

“No sight of them. I think we could use this to our advantage.”

“Let’s make our way to the barn,” Prince Benji ordered.

The Bassets forced their way through the jungle and soon they arrived outside the ramshackle wooden building. Prince Benji and Ollie checked for pygmies – clear!

They entered the barn. Millie was wide awake, her eyes brightened. “You came back!” she said.

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“I said I would,” the Prince said.

Winter and Shirley gathered up the pups – two in each arm, Oreo did the same and the Grumpy Dragon eased four of the young Bassets into her pouch. It had been a long time since she’d had children but like any mother – her instincts were impeccable and current.

Millie piped up. “Let me take the little one, he’s not very well.”

She scooped up a tri-colour pup. He was asleep and looked terrible – drawn, very skinny and dehydrated.

“Aawwww!” Winter and Shirley said in chorus.

Everyone turned to leave the barn and three pygmies stood at the entrance, one with a sword.

“You are making one very big mistake,” Prince Benji said.

The leader, Uglar and probably the nastiest looking troll of the trio, sniggered. “Huh,” it said. “You think a stupid dog is a match for me?” he said, thrashing the sword toward them, threateningly.

“Perhaps you’re going to find out,” Oreo interrupted. “Gladius pallii eius, arma te ipsum,” he said to the cloak.

“Ha,” the troll mocked. “You think I don’t understand Latin?

Let’s see the sword of the cloak then,” he said, laughing.

Oreo smiled and pulled a huge diamond studded sword from under Prince Smurphy Murphy’s magic cloak. “Will this do, monsieur?” Oreo said, directing his comment to Prince Benji.

“It will indeed,” the Prince said, grabbing the weapon which by way of magic was very light and had the essence of a swordsman guiding it.

The Putrid Pygmy swallowed nervously. Prince Benji closed his eyes and sucked in all the frustration that had built up within him. The two pygmies pulled daggers and moved towards him.

He opened his eyes and swung at them with all the force he could muster. A glancing blow hit the first one on the side of its head and he immediately... well without much ado to be honest... sparked him completely out — totally unconscious.

He fell to floor like a stinking rotten ragdoll.

Prince Benji slashed the magic sword toward

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the other pygmy and hit him with the blunt edge of the steely weapon on the shoulder. The poo-pile of evil dropped the dagger, froze, his eyes widened and he tumbled to the floor like a felled tree.

“Timbbbeeerrrrr...” Prince Benji joked.

Princess Winter kicked the knife toward Ollie who picked it up.

Prince Benji stood tall with his legs astride, his shoulders firm and his nose to the sword. “It looks like only Beauty and the Beast remain,” he said laughing. “I’ll let you guess who the beast is?”

He kicked the pygmy in the stomach and wacked him over the head with his sword. While he lay prostrate on the floor, the Grumpy Dragon waddled over and sat on the witch’s top henchman.

“I’ve always wanted a nice leathery cushion,” she joked. “Shame it looks like a Bulldog licking dinosaur pee off a thistle, then eaten a wasp that had gorged itself on owl sick.”

The Prince smiled. “Beautifully put, Grumps.”

The Bassets, Grumps, and Oreo helped Millie out of the barn.

Ollie and Shirley tied the hands of the pygmies. Rustling came from the bushes.

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A Bassetosaurus pushed its head out of the vegetation and before anyone could react scooped the three pygmies up in its mouth.

With a few chomps of the dinosaur’s jaw, the trolls were gone.

Eaten and shortly to become dinosaur poo.

Prince Benji drew his sword. “You’re not going to attack us, are you?” he said.

“Not today,” the dinosaur said. “I’m full now.” The carnivore laughed and disappeared back into the jungle.

“That was a bit of luck,” Princess Winter mused.

“Yes,” Shirley said, “saves us clearing the mess up.”

Back at the wagon, Millie checked on her pups, they were all fine except for the runt of the litter, he wasn’t well... not well at all. His twin had died and the Witch had used his body for soup. Millie couldn’t bear to think about that but at least the dog was out of pain. She named him Snoops and hoped the dead puppy’s brother, Charlie would survive. *** Back at the witch’s coven, Aglam, one of the pygmies who hadn’t been eaten by the Bassetosaurus returned, breathless.

“The prisoners have escaped!” he shouted.

“They must’ve had help!” the witch said in a low, husky voice.

“They did, a group of Bassets, a giant dragon...” Aglam paused, “and Uglar and... my two brothers have disappeared.”

“Take me to the barn!”

Aglam dusted down the witch’s magic carpet and straddled the front end. Two other Putrid Pygmies helped Evilla de Nastie onto the rug and it soared into the air. It wasn’t long before they arrived at the rickety wooden farm building. The hideously ugly witch stomped into the barn. Her face twisted with disappointment when she realised her prized luxury food – the Basset puppies – had gone.

“They’ll pay for this,” she said, nastily. “Check the area!” Aglam and two of his men disappeared into the forest to look for the Bassets or the pygmy’s missing brothers.

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The witch looked into her magic mirror and watched the Bassets escaping. Suddenly, convulsive wailing emanated from the bushes.

Evilla made her way to the source of the crying. “What’s wrong?”

Aglam, teary-eyed and snivelling, pointed to three piles of dinosaur poop. Legs, arms and faces stuck out of the stinking, still warm pile of poop.

Stuffed into the first lump of dinopoo was most of Uglar’s head, which protruded slightly. His arms and legs were chewed to mush and wrapped round the mound of stinky, crusty, slimy muck that was shrouded in smelly steam.

The other piles had arms and legs sticking out. One eye stared out from its smelly grave. The three trolls were history... smelly history in fact.

“They killed three of my best pygmies,” Evila cursed, studying her magic mirror.

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She watched Prince Benji and the rest of the Bassets making their way back to their wagon, with HER puppies. She turned red and went into a rage.

She spoke out into the ether:

“Mirror, Mirror of my reflection.

I ask thee for your darkest sorcery, which will lead to vengeful debauchery against the Bassets and their friends.

There is no way they can make amends.

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Mirror, Mirror of my reflection.

Afflict them with a wicked disease, so I shall feel much more at ease.

One by one, her puppies shall die, I’d love to make their mother cry.

Mirror, Mirror of my reflection.

I am an gifted sorceress with looks, which have been ruined by these crooks.

Taking my meals that I’ve been gifted, makes my beauty look shrivelled and twisted.

Mirror, Mirror of my reflection I will avenge thee, as is my duty.

Evilla de Nastie, the most wicked witch must kill them without a hitch.”

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“Your wish is the future,” the mirror said.

“Thank you,” the witch said with the most hideous smirk developing on her lips.

The glass of the mirror shimmered like water, Charlie screamed as he was engulfed by flames.”

A snaggle-toothed smirk developed on her face as the rest of the puppies twisted in torment. Charlie’s reflection burned within the purgatory of the mirror. The Witch had won. “Your mother wants you to be someone, an inspiration, maybe. That won’t happen now.”

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CHAPTER

SIXTEEN

rince Benji and his team of special forces made their way back to the main Basset camp. Millie, Shirley and Winter were getting worried about some of the puppies who didn’t seem themselves. “I can’t stop thinking about my babies.,” Millie complained. “I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to them.”

The Grumpy Dragon reared her head back, smoke and flames snorting from her nose.“I keep getting glimpses of the wicked witch casting a spell over the puppies in my all-seeing-eye. I hope I’m wrong.”

“How can we find out?” Winter asked.

Grumps shook her head. “I’m not sure.”

A little bit further, Prince Benji and Ollie cut away the bracken and to their surprise Prince Smurphy Murphy stood in front of them with his hands on his hips. “Good result bro - yes?”

“Yes and no! We have Millie and the pups but they are coming down with something. Grumps thinks a spell has been cast on them by the witch.”

The prince sucked in his cheeks.“Gunawan might know.”

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The white sorcerer was having a nap and loud snoring came from the wagon he had made a bed in. He lay with his head on a chocolate mushroom and Hectar was sparked out across his face. The nutty squirrel cuddled a hazelnut as if his life depended on it.

“Gunawan,” Prince Benji whispered, shaking his shoulder.

The Master of the White Arts snorted and said something in magician- speak. “Gunawan,” the Prince repeated, louder.

He jerked awake. “What’s wrong?” he asked.

“We need your help.”

Hectar Squirrel yawned. “I’m putting ‘Do Not Disturb’ on the wagon, next time. Gunawan climbed down the wooden ladder.

Prince Smurphy Murphy watched him, his movements seemed to descend into slow motion and his form flickered as if switching between two worlds. “I sense a terrible spell from a witch that seems far more powerful than the last time I met her.” His voice tailed off and reverberated through the forest.

He held his magic staff upright and said some magic words.

“Protegas me magister et lux.” His staff glowed with pulsating energy, shards of plasma arced across the forest. A scream came from the bushes followed by a puff of smoke. Two Putrid Pygmies ran into the open. “We’re on fire!” they screamed.

“Indeed you are, and unless you tell me what you are doing, you will burn to a crispy, smelly, toasted bundle of rotten leather!”

“Evilla de Nastie told us to bring the bodies of the puppies back to her coven.”

“To do what?” Prince Smurphy Murphy demanded, his words tinged with annoyance.

“For her pot,” the pygmy stated matter-of-factly.

“Can we do anything to stop her?” the Prince asked Gunawan.

“Indeed we can.” The magician reached into his pocket and took out a handful of magic dust which he threw toward the forest’s canopy. The powder hung in the air for a few seconds, then spiralled down forming the shape of a man. A face materialised followed by a body. “Abdul Afghan, it is Gunawan.”

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“Good to speak to you my friend.”

“I need your help,” Gunawan’s voice boomed. “Evilla de Nastie is back and stronger than before. She is too much for me to handle on my own.”

“I said I would be there for the Bassets, and I meant it. Count me in—” “My King will be very grateful for this, Abdul,” the prince interrupted. “If we can ever repay you please don’t hesitate to ask.”

“Thank you, your royal highness. I will be in touch Gunawan, as soon as I have a spell to counter this horrible witch’s curse.”

In a puff of magic smoke, Abdul Afghan disappeared. Half a dozen muscular and extremely annoyed Basset soldiers, tied the two pygmies to a tree, accompanied by a few well placed kicks to the shins.

“If I was lashed to a tree, I’d be worried about carnivores eating me for breakfast. I’ve heard the Bassetosaurus are particularly fond of pygmy ears,” the Prince sniggered. “Ooh look there’s a group of them over there,” he said, pointing to the herd.

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CHAPTER

SEVENTEEN

A friend in need, is a friend indeed.

octor Stanley scanned the plain with his binoculars.

He could hear an animal in distress, like an elephant cry but higher pitched. A group of dinosaurs huddled around one of their own who appeared to be down. The biggest dinosaur, which was the twice the size of a rhinoceros but had the look of a Basset, moved his head side to side, animatedly.

“There’s something wrong,” Doctor Stanley said passing the binoculars to Noel who studied the scene.

“From what I know about pack animals, the downed carnivore is ill or injured. Let’s get closer; we may be able to help.” He pulled his medical bag to his side, tightened his bandana and moved toward the group.

Stanley and Henry looked at each other. “We have to help them.”

The supervet, Doctor Stanley and Henry stealthily made their way through the vegetation and closed in on the dinosaurs.

The Bassetosaurus male raised his head and his nose went into twitch overdrive. Stanley stepped out from the bushes. “We can help you,” he said.

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“How so?” the monster asked in his distinct squeaky voice which surprised Stanley considering its size.

“I’m a doctor and PAT dog, and my assistant is a renowned vet.

Let us check over the patient?”

“She’s called Scrumpybum and is my wife.”

Henry stepped ahead of Stanley. “I want your personal guarantee that no harm will come to us if we help you?”

“Agreed, and if you can make her better, I will always be indebted to you and will do anything for you.”

“Deal,” Stanley and Henry said in chorus.

Noel pulled out his stethoscope and knelt down next to the dinosaur. He checked her heart and her tummy. It was possible the lady dinosaur had a virus.

He listened... then moved the device and listened again. He did this several times, folded his stethoscope up and put it back in his bag. He looked at the Bassetosaurus Rex. “Did you know your wife is pregnant?”

Rex stepped back in shock. “I didn’t but now you’ve mentioned it, I should have seen the symptoms.”

Noel looked up to the Bassetosaurus. “How many is a typical litter?”

“Well, as you can imagine, Bassetosaurus babies are the size of a baby elephant. Two or three is pretty normal.”

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The supervet ran his hands over Scrumpybum’s tummy.

“Mmmm,” he said, looking at Stanley.

“Breached?” Stanley asked, pertinently.

“Correct.”

Rex dropped his head, looking confused. “What does that mean?”

“Basically, the first calf is the wrong way round. The baby will be born feet first which is the opposite to a normal birth.”

Rex’s eyes narrowed. “Is that dangerous?”

“It can be but I’ve delivered the babies of many heifers and a few dogs before, all with the same problem and I know exactly what to do. It’s a common problem for new mothers.” *** From a distance, General Buzz–Fuzz focussed on the Serengeti with his binoculars; he shook his head in disbelief. “Your liege, I’m not sure if I’m seeing things but that group of Bassetosauruses has two Basset soldiers and a hooman standing next to them.”

“What, Bassets?” he said, sounding surprised, “and a hooman — surely not, general?”

“Have a look for yourself,” he said passing the binoculars.

Prince Smurphy Murphy studied the scene. “The Bassetosauruses must be in trouble. General, get two of your best men together and we shall save these poor souls.”

“Yes, my liege.”

A short time later, the general returned to the Prince with two Basset soldiers. “These dogs are highly trained soldiers and experts in hand to hand combat.”

“And scare tactics,” one of the soldiers added.

“Your name, private?”

“My name is Private Barney Shufflebottom, sir.”

“I’m his wife! Private Betty Shufflebottom reporting for duty.”

“Excellent! You say scare tactics?”

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“Yes, our hooman owners were foragers and we had to keep predators at bay. We did it well, sir.”

“Excellent,” the Prince said. “Carry on.”

The men and General Buzz-fuzz disappeared into the forest and the camp settled down to what might be a long wait. *** The crack team of Basset forces slinked around to the location of the downed Bassetosaurus. The general studied them from the bushes. The hooman seemed to inject the dinosaur with something. The rest of the Bassetosauruses and the two Bassets had their backs to him and watched.

The General assessed the situation as non-threatening and stepped out into the open. “Can we do anything to help?”

Professor Stanley jumped with fright. “General,” he said. “I wasn’t expecting to see you here.”

“Stanley Treblechins and Henry Bellyfluff! This is a surprise,” he said.

Both soldiers saluted. “Sir!” The General nodded toward the hooman who had his arm up the Bassetosaurus’s booty. “What’s he doing?”

Doctor Stanley developed a knowing smile on his face. “Trying to stop a breached birth.”

Noel looked up and winked at General Buzz-Fuzz who acknowledged him with a nod. “I’d shake hands but...” he stared at his arm. “Maybe not!”

“Understand totally. Perhaps when you’re finished?”

“Nearly there,” Noel said turning to Rex whose eyes were full of emotion.

“Hope my sproglateers are okay.”

“I’ll do my best,” Noel said.

“Get some twigs and leaves and give this lady some privacy,” the general told his soldiers.

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The Bassets disappeared into the forest and very quickly returned with what they needed. Barney very quickly constructed a natural curtain that gave the supervet, Professor Stanley and the patient some privacy. The general, Henry, the soldiers and Rex stood outside the temporary modesty curtain.

Suddenly an unusual cry emanated from behind the makeshift screen. Noel stood up and walked around to where Rex was waiting. “I present to you a son and one more is on the way.”

Rex rubbed his nose against the baby Bassetosaurus and burst into tears. “Little Rex, you are gorgeous,” he said nipping the dinopup’s cheeks.

“Aawwww!” the Basset soldiers said in chorus.

“Why’s he blue?” Betty asked.

“The boys are always blue and girls green.” Noel said, walking back behind the curtain.

Not long after, Noel led out one more of Rex’s offspring to their dad. “Little Rexina and Little Rex, you are my family.

Welcome to the Dinodom. I shall protect you with my life,” he promised. “And you Bassets, I am so grateful. I will now serve you as your bodyguard. No one will ever be allowed to hurt you when I’m around.”

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CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

oel finished off with Scrumpybum and her two calves. Rex had helped his wife to her feet and gave her a big sloppy kiss! “I lurrrrvvvvve you.”

“And I love you too,” she said, sternly, “but no more babies. We have enough now!”

Rex’s eyes filled with emotion. “I am but your loyal servant and husband and what you say is what will happen—” “You are not getting any younger, Mrs Scrumpybum,” Noel advised. “Having babies puts a strain on your heart. Make do with your family as it is now, cherish them, love them and they will worship you.”

Rustling came from the nearby trees and Prince Smurphy Murphy emerged. “I thought it prudent to bring the convoy here.”

The Bassetosaurus Rex lowered his head in respect. “I am indebted to you for saving my

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babies and my wife. I will always be at your service and Bassets will always have a safe journey through the Dinodom — I shall make sure of it!”

“There is one thing you could help with,” the Prince said tentatively.

“Name it,” Rex demanded.

“We have received news that the Basset Dogdom has been invaded by aliens and we need to get home quickly! Is that something you can help with?”

“Absolutely, you don’t walk these lands for a couple of billion years without knowing every nook and every cranny. There is a hidden entrance behind the waterfall. The cave leads through the mountain but there are risks. So far in the pathway splits in two and you have the choice of two tracks. Take the wrong one and you’ll end up in a world that is populated by Munchkins and four witches. It’s a wacky place and no one has ever returned except me.”

“How did you manage that?” the Prince asked.

“Have you ever tried to stop a ten-ton Bassetosaurus?”

Prince Smurphy Murphy sniggered. “Quite.”

“I will accompany you through to the other side where your beloved dogdom is situated. I will also remain as bodyguard to the Basset army while you kick those aliens’ extra-terrestrial butts.”

“That’s fantastic, Rex.” “It’s the least I can do.”

“Shall we get moving?”

Rex, General Buzz-Fuzz, Stanley, Henry, Betty, Barney and Noel all nodded.. “Permission to start the journey, my liege?”

“Wagons roll!” the prince shouted.

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EEN

CHAPTER NINET

ex was spot on with his appraisal and a couple of hundred yards inside the cave the Basset army was faced with a choice. Two pathways beckoned: a tunnel that lead to an emerald green castle at the end of a brick road and a rocky track. The Prince was minded to take the easier of the two.

“So which path, fine Prince?”

“My guess is to follow the brick road to the castle and the Basset Dogdom?” he said.

“You couldn’t be more wrong,” Rex said. “You and your army would probably never be seen again.”

“I’m glad you are here to guide us, Rex.” The Bassets headed up the rocky track. It wasn’t easy, several soldiers had to push the wagons uphill. But with the Bassets’ dogged determination, they made it.

“That was the hard part, it’s downhill to the exit which will lead you out to the top end of Bracken Woods.”

“Those words are music to my ears, ”the Prince mused.

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Within the hour, the convoy exited the cave. Barry and Wayne perched on a branch with their wings crossed. “Took your time, my liege.”

The Prince pursed his lips. “Indeed, but we are here now.”

The pigeons’ conversation with the Prince was interrupted by compulsive wailing. The prince rushed to where it was coming from. Millie was holding Charlie in her arms. “He’s not well at all; all of my babies are worse.”

Noel and Stanley pushed their way through the gathered crowd.

“Step aside,” Stanley ordered.

Noel gestured toward Charlie. “Can I?” he asked.

“Yes of course,” Millie said.

The supervet checked the puppy with his stethoscope. After listening to his heart, taking his temperature and tapping his chest he turned to Stanley. “I can’t find anything wrong except he’s burning up!”

Gunawan stepped forward. “You won’t, the witch’s curse is taking effect—” “Is there nothing you can do?” the Prince asked.

“I’m waiting for Abdul Afghan; our combined power will counter this terrible affliction.”

“I hope he arrives in time.”

“He will,” Gunawan said, reassuringly.

General Buzz-Fuzz interrupted. “Can I suggest we leave a team of highly trained Basset soldiers here to accompany Abdul when he shows up?”

“See to it,” the Prince ordered.

The convoy headed to Basset town with Rex and his newly expanded family in tow.

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CHAPTER TWENTY ing Harvey, Sergeant Danglebelly, Professor Magoo and a team of highly trained, highly sweaty and highly smelly Basset soldiers made their way to the alien crash site. The group had spent the early part of the mission rolling in fox-poo, rabbit droppings, a rub down with Professor Magoo’s Oil of Ustink and finally spreading any other pongy substance they could find onto their homeguard uniforms.

They stank... no forget that... they absolutely honked so much so even the Wood Skunks were fainting en masse at the stench!

After a visit to the Basset Armoury, they were now tooled up with the very best weaponry: poo—guns, owl sick grenades and of course Scratchit and Scratchit. His eminence President Splatitandrun and a croak of frogs hopped their way separately to the location.

King Harvey and Sergeant Danglebelly hid behind a fallen log. The sergeant

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studied the scene with his monocular. “There appears to be some round bots floating around the perimeter of the ships. I presume they’re security?”

“They are,” Professor Magoo confirmed as he scanned the robots with his wigglebot scanner.

“Are all our assets in position?” King Harvey asked.

Sergeant Danglebelly checked Professor Magoo’s experimental Pawpad Tracker. “Yes sir. We are ready to commence the mission.”

Inside the ship, the AI flickered onto screen. “Captain Five Bellies,” the AI began. “There is a terrible smell engulfing the ship. I suggest switching on the emergency atmosphere?”

“Do it and stop calling me ‘Captain Five Bellies’ or I’ll give the order for you to be decommissioned!”

“Oooh temper tantrum! Missed your Square Blend this morning?”

“Activate the oxygen bubble within the ship and put me on speaker,” Captain Zhong said, trying to ignore the more annoying than normal AI. “Aye, aye captain,” the AI said, respectfully.

“On speaker,” First Officer Zhang confirmed.

Suddenly there was a bit of a kafuffle on the bridge, in fact it could be classed as a galactic incident in the annals of Basset history. Lemony Snicket and Miss Moolah Tallulah barged their way past First Officer Zhang and Engineer Zhing.

Lemony got right up close to Captain Zhong’s face. He swallowed nervously, the sound of his Adam’s apple hitting the floor, played on the tannoy, outside.

“Are you deliberately trying to spoil my day,” she said, her lips twisting into a sneer.

“Errrm... oh... no, not deliberately.”

Since meeting you, I’ve had to sleep on a metal bed, miss my mane appointment at Missy Yang’s and, most annoyingly, I’ve not had my waddle with my friends down at Bracken Woods.”

“And your treats, tell him!” Miss Moolah Tallulah added.

“Oh, yes I forgot. All I’ve had is your stupid squareflakes

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and choco-squares which taste like horse manure — and before you ask, yes I have tasted it!”

“I’m sorry our cuisine hasn’t met your aspirations.”

Lemony moved her face to within half an inch of the alien’s head. “When Bassets get hungry they’ll eat anything. Right now I feel like chewing your nose off—” “I’ll have his ears,” Miss Moolah Tallulah added.

Outside King Harvey and his men listened with interest. “She is one feisty ball of furry loveliness,” he mused.

“Absolutely!” the sergeant agreed.

Back onboard the ship. “So here’s how we are going to play it,” Lemony began. “You are going to let us go and I will ask my good friend Professor Magoo to help you fix this pile of scrap metal you call a ship.”

“I resemble that remark,” the AI joked.

Captain Zhong held his chin...well...err...his several chins. “I was going to suggest that!”

“It makes sense,” Lemony offered. “Right, off we pop. Lovely to meet all you luvvies!”

“And you,” the AI said, his eyes changing to red hearts.

Captain Zhong sat back in his chair. He’d just been done up like a kipper and he didn’t even know what a kipper was. “Ask your professor if he can help fix our ship, please. I need to go home for a holiday,” the captain said, sighing.

“I will darling,” Lemony said, winking and blowing a kiss at Captain Zhong.

Outside Lemony, Charlotte and the two tarantulas descended the steps.

Tommy and Tommo didn’t really come down the steps to be honest as they still sat on Posh Branch’s most daring and most brave agents’ heads but you get my meaning.

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Scratchit and Scratchit sat on a rock. “I’m so disappointed we never got to taste alien blood,” Will Scratchit complained.

President Splatitandrun croaked a laugh. “It’s not over till the fat frog sings.”

“Indeed,” King Harvey mused.

Professor Magoo approached his royal highness. “In view of what the alien said, can I suggest me trying to get their spaceship back into the sky?”

King Harvey rolled his mouth as if he was sucking on a small chocolate mushroom as he contemplated the idea. “Yes, I think you are right. The sooner we get the Dogdom back to normal service, the better for everyone.”

Professor Magoo turned to Lord Danglebelly. “Can you help me with my toolbox.”

“It will be a pleasure, sir.”

The two older statesmen of the Homeguard headed toward the alien ship. Lemony and Miss Moolah Tallulah passed them as the ladies of Posh Branch made their way to safety. “Hiya,” Lemony said. “Fancy meeting you here,” she said, giggling.

Professor Magoo loaded his toolbox onto a carry-bot and he ascended the stairs. Lord Danglebelly wished him well and the aliens showed him into the ship.

King Harvey watched from a distance, he did wonder if he’d made the right decision but he didn’t have time to worry as Lemony and Miss Moolah Tallulah fussed over him. “Have you had your breakfast today, ‘H’?”

“Yes Lemony.”

“Have you cleaned your ears?” Miss Moolah Tallulah added.

“Indeed I have.”

“Been on a waddle?”

“Yes my dear.”

“Neck and back rub?”

“No haven’t had that yet!”

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“I present myself and my wonderfully therapeutic paws to relieve some of your royal stress.”

“Thank you. I look forward to that back at Wiggly-Bum Palace.”

“Nope,” Lemony said firmly. “On the log, on the log, now!” she said pointing to the fallen tree. “A King should never have tensions other than that of state.”

“Not here my dear,” the King said, embarrassingly.

“Please ‘H’, do what I say!”

King Harvey felt he had no choice but to keep the peace. He waved away his men, lay on the log, face down and Lemony started on his shoulders. Groans of pleasure filled the woods.

Onboard the alien ship, the AI’s eyes flashed red. “There are some strange noises coming from outside.”

“It’ll be those daft Bassets. Get the computer to filter the interference out,” Captain Zhong said.

“I am the computer,” the AI said, sarcastically.

“Well give your head a virtual-wobble, to use the local language, and get the problem sorted!”

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CHAPTER TWENTY -

ONE

ack at Homeguard HQ, King Harvey and his senior hierarchy stood round a three dimensional map in the war room. King Harvey moved two pink dots from the location of the alien ship and pushed them toward the homeguard HQ marker, a small model of Professor Magoo’s mill.

“First part of the mission is complete. I worry about Professor Magoo: he is a huge asset to us and would be to an alien race.

We must monitor the situation, carefully.”

“Can I suggest we place some snipers around the crash site,” Sergeant Danglebelly offered. “Any sign of trouble we can take them out.”

“Excellent idea, sergeant. Use trained soldiers who can blend into the surroundings. One false move and they can splat the aliens with fermented rat snot.”

“That sounds new,” Sergeant Danglebelly said.

“It is. Professor Magoo created it in the Stinky Weapons facility at Area 21½. It has a secret additive that freezes the victim’s face into a wide, wide smile. So much so, they can’t say or do anything!”

“Area 21½ — where’s that?”

“It’s in the basement of the Mill.”

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Sergeant Danglebelly looked confused. “Of course.”

“I can also send in the SAS (Special Ant Service) who’ll hide in the gaps and crevices of the alien ship. Any sign of trouble and we’ll drain their green, alien blood.” Will Scratchit suggested.

“Another great idea,” King Harvey said. “See to it!” *** Prince Smurphy Murphy sighed. “Glad to be breathing air from Bracken Woods and experiencing its unique aroma again.” The Prince turned to Rex, “thanks for getting us here.”

“I said I am at your service and I shall remain with you till you have eradicated the alien scourge from your lands.”

“That’s so nice of you.”

Suddenly, the sound of marching came from the woods behind them. “What’s that?” the prince asked, turning to General Buzz-Fuzz.

“I have no idea—” “It’s Abdul Afghan,” Gunawan interrupted.

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The leader of the Afghan Hounds emerged from the woods.

“I said I would come to help and I have. Your royal highness, I present to you the Golden Army of Ghurid. Use them as you see fit.”

The Prince’s eyes narrowed, he wondered how Abdul had released the Golden Army from their granite prisons but Gunawan caught his eye and winked. Prince Smurphy Murphy allowed himself a smile, a very large smile in fact.

“Thank you Abdul Afghan, that is very comforting. They are a fearsome bunch of golden warriors.”

“Indeed they are.”

“I’m glad you’re here,” Millie said. “My puppies are sick; they’ve no signs of illness except a temperature — so we think they’ve been cursed.”

The only hooman in Basset village stepped forward. “My name is Noel Fixdogquick, I’m a supervet. I have checked the litter and they are all showing normal vital signs but they are all ill.

One in particular, Charlie, is drifting between being fluid and unconsciousness. I’m really worried about him.”

“Worry no more; my combined power with Gunawan will prove a match to Evilla de Nastie. We will break the curse.”

“Look,” Princess Winter shouted, pointing skyward. “Is that the witch and two of her henchmen?”

General Buzz-Fuzz focused his monocular on the black blip racing across the sky. “It’s Evilla de Nastie, sir,” he confirmed.

The Golden Army of Ghurid encircled the group and each warrior placed his left hand on the shoulder of the soldier next to him.

“She will never get through the chain of protection!” Abdul Afghan reassured the Basset mummy.

“That’s a relief,” Millie said.

The witch’s magic carpet swung round and landed near to the Bassets. Her remaining Putrid Pygmies helped her to her feet. “I come

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for what is rightfully mine. I bred them, I fed them and it is I who shall boil them alive in my cauldron.”

Gunawan stepped forward and Abdul Afghan stood just behind him. “I call on the power of the God of Ghurid, his army stands before us. Decloak this terrible excuse for a member of the Magician’s Guild and turn her back into a pecking peacock!”

“I counter thee and your fake God with the power of Her Serene Lowness: the Goddess of the Forest. May she take her revenge with her black creatures of debauchery and destroy you all.”

The ground shook: leaves turned black and fell off the trees.

As they dropped, they morphed into hideous spider-like bats with huge eyes and their faces sneered like Satanic gargoyles.

They swarmed around the Bassets like locusts, pecking at their ears, their arms, their shoulders at the same time spinning a web of magic.

Prince Benji picked up a branch and swatted them like flies.

Squeak jumped into the air, snatching the monsters into his mouth, shaking them till limp and chomping them into early retirement.

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Shirley whacked one with her rolling pin and Princess Winter karate chopped several into unconsciousness.

It was futile though, as they destroyed one, another leaf fell from the tree and replaced the creatures of doom! Soon the web covered the Bassets, the witch smirked. “I have you exactly where I want you now — I shall have my puppies!”

Prince Benji, still wearing his battledress, struggled to break free but couldn’t — the witch’s web was too strong!

Abdul Afghan looked at Gunawan and nodded. “Et erit fulgur,” Gunawan shouted into the ether.

As the words echoed through the forest, an eerie wind rustled through the branches. The witch’s eyes darted around her army of spider-bats. Suddenly forked lightning flashed across the forest. Hundreds of shards of energy spread around them and energised each warrior of the Golden Army of Ghurid.

A golden smoke rose around them and cloaked the warriors from sight. The witch laughed but her happiness was short-lived. The clouds of energy dispersed and the Golden Army of Ghurid had been replaced by hundreds of golden snakes that wriggled and slithered, their tongues spitting venom at the spider-bats. They quickly moved toward the witch’s pets who flashed their eyes, defensively.

In the blink of an eye the snakes’ tongues fired a pulse of golden energy which hit the spider-bats; almost immediately they disappeared in a puff of black dust.

The witch stood with her two pygmies.

“Ha! You don’t think you can beat me Gunawan, do you? My power comes from the darkside: feathered peacocks, beautiful in their splendour but deadly in their deliverance of purgatory.”

“You don’t frighten us, neither does every peacock you have at your disposal. We have the Golden Army of Ghurid to help us—”

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Suddenly a huge head pushed out of the bushes. In one movement the monster gathered up the witch and the two remaining pygmies into its mouth. In a few crunches they were gone.

The Bassetosaurus spat out a bone and lifted one leg.

“Phhhhrrrttttt... ffffhhhhaaarrrrtt... phluuurb... pssshhh!” came from behind him.

“Fwoar, that stinks,” Prince Benji said.

“Better out than in,” the dinosaur said, letting out an almost silent one the Pumpy Dwarf would be proud of. “Pssssshhh...”

As everyone stepped back from the pungent pong, Prince Smurphy Murphy stepped forward. “Abdul, can I introduce my friend Rex, he’s a Bassetosaurus.”

“He’s huge.”

“He is indeed and can I take this opportunity to thank you and your Golden Army of Ghurid for getting rid of the spider—bats.

It made it easy for us to get rid of Evilla de Nastie.”

Convulsive sobbing came from the wagon holding Millie and the puppies. Prince Benji and Ollie ran over, weapons drawn.”

“They are better,” she said.

Noel and Stanley pushed his way through the crowd. “Clear the way, Doctors on call,” Stanley shouted.

Noel clambered up the wooden steps and looked at the little bundles of Basset joy. He listened to their chests, checked their temperatures. Charlie tried to chew his stethoscope, playfully.

“Get off you little tinker,” Noel said turning to Millie. “I think you have your puppies back.”

“Oh that’s fantastic. I feel so relieved.”

Benji chipped in. “You’ll be looked after now.”

Rex’s head pushed through a gap in the wagon’s canvas. “Awww, they are lovely. So glad I could help.”

The pups took one look at the Bassetosaurus and growled in chorus. “Good doggies,” Rex said, pulling his head out.

Prince Smurphy Murphy smiled. “Just the aliens to sort and we can have a party.”

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“I love parties,” Scrumpybum said.

“Indeed,” the Prince began. “I’m sure our King will make you guest of honour.”

The Bassets and friends settled down to a night in Bracken Woods.

Just before bed Rex disappeared into the woods. He found the perfect spot, squatted, and after a few groans he deposited today’s food, well to him it was food but in reality it was two pygmies and a witch, onto the forest floor. Legs, ears and heads stuck out of the steaming poo-piles.

Rex left his pile of stinkiness and made his way back to the camp where a party atmosphere was in full flow.

Sometime later, as darkness fell, a Satanic breeze blew over the lumps of smoking, still warm dinosaur poo. The guttural sounds of the night creatures danced in the darkness.

A sole beam of moonlight cut a pathway through the leaves and branches and highlighted the mound of dinopoop. It was like opening night at the Basset Theatre and the witch, well the dead witch was headlining the show. The problem was there was no audience.

A single peacock feather fluttered on the breeze as it stuck out of the pongy pile like a beacon to evil. A cloud covered the moon, the darkness deepened and the wind blew harder causing the feather to shake more. “I will return to torment thee,” the witch said, laughing. Her words striking terror into the nocturnal beasties of the forest as a dark energy in the shape of a peacock rose from the stinky grave.

The Witch was back!

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CHAPTER TWENTY -

TWO

Prince Benji jumped up off his makeshift bed. He felt elated at saving Millie and the pups. But the icing on the cake for him was getting rid of the witch and her Putrid Pygmies. He’d changed out of battledress into something more suitable and he started rapping.

As a Basset Hound rapper and chocolate mushrooms trapper.

I love their smell, they taste so well.

If I eat them all, I’ll get a maul.

I will have to find a way to make my friend’s day.

Cos I love my King, even though, I sometimes ming.

The Bassets’ ears pricked up as they listened. Some of them started clapping to the rhythm. Prince Benji continued.

I am over the moon, we’ll be home soon.

To my favourite blanket and a King’s banquet, which there surely will be but let’s wait and see.

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I love Bassets and all their traits.

Wobbliness, wiggles, smelly and stubborn.

Greedy and needy, lazy and sleepy and sometimes weepy.

Bassets, I love ’em.

I am one.

My friends are.

I dream of Bassets.

It’s a breed that just has it.

By now everyone was clapping to the rhythm. Prince Smurphy Murphy had noticed Barry and Wayne had flapped onto a nearby branch. They joined in, clapping their wings together and cooing.

Rabbits, moles, mice and stoats rocked back and forth on a fallen log. Birds tweeted and shook their wings. Insects did the hokey-cokey with their many legs, inout-in-out-shake-it-all-about!

The Bassets were back and Bracken Woods was happy. Prince Benji finished his rap, smiled and took a bow. “Three cheers for our handsome Prince,” Gunawan shouted. Everyone cheered but a voice rose above the hullabaloo.

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Doctor Stanley stuck his nose into the air and sniffed. “Quiet everyone, the mail pigeons are here,” he said, lovingly. “Barry, I’ve missed you.”

The slightly embarrassed pigeon shook his head and looked at Prince Smurphy Murphy. “Your royal highness, it’s my greatest pleasure to announce that Wayne and myself are here to take you home.”

“Fantastic.”

“King Harvey wants you to meet at Magoo’s Mill.”

“Indeed. Not a problem.”

*** Meanwhile back at the crash site, Professor Magoo sat at the engineer’s console. “The anti-matter collider has been fixed,” he reported.

“How did you do that,” the head engineer asked.

“I introduced some wobble-code into the software and it seems to be working. AI, can you right the ship?”

“I certainly can. The AI’s eyes flashed a multitude of colours settling on green. “We are hovering at zero degrees.”

“That’s fantastic, do we have full power?”

“Yes Captain,” the AI said.

“AI, set our course to planet Square.” The Captain turned toward the Basset dogdom’s top scientist, swallowing nervously.

“Professor, we’re going to have to take you back with us to help our software engineers improve our systems and learn you wobble programming.”

“You’re kidnapping me?”

“In a word — yes,” the AI said.

“You are making one very big mistake,” Professor Magoo said, his eyes narrowing. He discreetly picked up his pinkpod and pressed the panic button.

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TY - T N E W T R CHAPTE

HREE

ing Harvey watched the Basset army arriving back at Magoo’s Mill. The royal piper accompanied the event with a rendition of Amazing Grace. A round of applause broke out from the Homeguard as the wagons full of the dogdom’s favourite treats came into view. Prince SmurphyMurphy and his men had achieved victory in their crusade.

King Harvey stepped forward and gave his brother the biggest hug known to man... well... errr... dogs. “My God I’ve missed you, bro,” the King said, his eyes glazing over with emotion.”

“And I you, my liege. The army look tired and need a rest.”

“Indeed they do but we have one more thing to do and then I will decree a Basset holiday of sleeping, more sleeping, eating, rolling in exotic poo and slobbering at the bar of the Pig’s Bottom.”

“Sounds like heaven, your majesty!”

“Absolutely. Now if you and your generals come inside, I will brief you on the current dire situation.”

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“Dire?”

“Professor Magoo has been kidnapped.”

“Oh no! I did not know.”

The King nodded, regretfully.

The Prince turned to General Buzz-Fuzz. “Instruct the men to make camp and follow me.”

Inside, the War Room was full of activity, Basset agents checking tracking data, phone calls, the odd dog treat and the King’s voice booming above the commotion! “Any updates?”

“Nothing sir,” they said in chorus.

The Prince and General Buzz-Fuzz headed to King Harvey’s desk; his majesty sat down. “Okay,” the King started. “Professor Magoo is being held by the aliens. He sacrificed himself to save Lemony and Charlotte. He was supposed to fix their engines which my spies tell me has happened but he hasn’t been released.

I can only assume they have an ulterior motive.”

“So what’s the plan, your majesty?”

“Well as standard in these battles, Scratchit and Scratchit are itching to go. President Splatitandrun and his fellow frogs... his fellow smelly exploding frogs are croaking readiness. I have Drop’em Droops and Ozzie – Prince of Barkness in position with their owl-sick sick bazookas. Before Professor Magoo was kidnapped

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he added tarantula poison from Tommy and Tommo to the stinkiness so on impact the target hoots like an owl and freezes like a statue.”

“Wow!” the Prince said. “That is innovative and speaking of useful weapons, I have a friend to introduce you to. He will come in very handy. Would you like to meet him?”

The group headed outside, the King’s nose went into royal twitch overdrive. “What is that smell?”

“Wait and see,” the Prince said, a small smile dancing on his lips. Outside, the Basset hierarchy were greeted by four mounds of stinky, smelly, aromatic piles of poo loveliness.

“What in God’s name,” the King shouted. They made their way around the masses of brown-stuff and King Harvey’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. “Grandpa?” he said in shock.

“I could well be,” Rex said.

“Can I introduce you to my wife Scrumpybum, Little Rex and Rexina.”

The King stepped forward. “A pleasure to meet you all.”

“Are you a proppa King,” Rexina said.

“I hope so,” King Harvey said, lovingly.

“I am grateful that your brother and his men saved my Scrumpybum and offer my services to your quest of ridding your dogdom of aliens.”

“Thank you—” The king stopped in mid sentence when he noticed the hooman. He looked at Prince Smurphy Murphy for an explanation.

“My liege, this is Noel Fixdogquick, he was a supervet and now he is Stanley’s super-assistant!”

“Lovely to meet you. You are certainly one of a kind.”

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“Yes, I think I like it that way,” Noel said.

“Right everybody, we are going in. I am informed Professor Magoo has fixed the engines and the aliens could leave with him onboard anytime soon. Snipers are in position. Lemony will be a decoy. She’ll approach the ship and try to distract the aliens long enough for Basset soldiers to tie the spaceship to the trees and stick twigs and earth into her engine ducts—” Rex interrupted. “If I can get onto the vessel my ten tons will stop it taking off.”

“Brilliant idea, Rex.” “If the aliens open the space-doors to talk to Lemony we can sneak up the ladder and feast on their delish green blood.”

“We’ll just hop onboard,” President Splatitandrun added.

Tommy chipped into the conversation. “I’ll spin a web and drop onto their stupid squareheads.”

“All excellent ideas. You have my permission to implement all,” King Harvey confirmed.

Abdul Afghan and Gunawan stepped forward. “Your royal highness,” they said in chorus, nodding respect.

“Perhaps we could turn this to our advantage,” Gunawan continued, “As we did with the witch we can call up the Golden Snakes of Ghurid, they can slither and slink through the vegetation, twigs and flowers of the forest floor to the alien ship. If we can get close enough, a handful of magic dust can be thrown and a spell repeated which will make them invisible. We need a Basset who is an expert in doing a flat Basset wiggle. He or she can creep up close enough to throw the magic dust onto the snakes. A handsome red and white Basset soldier stepped forward. Can I offer myself to carry out this mission?”

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The King turned toward the soldier, several sets of eyes focussed on the private. “Your name, soldier.”

“My name is Mr Wiggles,” he said. “Wiggles by name and wiggles by nature.”

“Thanks for volunteering, it won’t be forgotten. After this meeting, report to Gunawan and Abdul Afghan for duty.”

“Yes sir,” Private Wiggles said, saluting the King.

“Right, we have a plan. No time like the present so lets get going.

Sergeant Danglebelly are the snipers primed?”

“Indeed they are, sir.”

“Owl sick bazookas ready for action?”

“Yes sir, we also have regurgitated skunk poo stun grenades. We are good to shoot the aliens up with the best stinkiness known to...ermm...errr...ohhh...dogs or splatter them into surrender.”

“I don’t really want to know who would eat skunk poo and then throw it up!” the King said, clearing his throat with a cough. “As Prince Smurphy Murphy would say — wagons roll!”

Meanwhile at the alien crash site, Drop’em Droops and Ozzie – Prince of Barkness, the dogdom’s most feared soldiers, raised their heads in their hidey-holes. Sergeant Danglebelly’s voice quietly buzzed the earpiece in Droops’ left ear. “We are on our way to the battlefield. Keep your eyes open for Lemony who’ll be spearheading our attempt to attract the aliens’ attention.”

Droops’ eyes raked his surroundings with a steely gaze. “Copy that!”

A few minutes later. “Yoohoo luvvies, I’m back,” echoed around the copse.

Inside the ship. “Captain, it appears the wobbly bundle of furriness known as Lemony Snicket is here to see you.”

“On screen.”

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“Captain Zhong, I know you like your choco-squares but my King has sent you a present.”

Captain Zhong licked his lips. “A present, let her in.”

The AI flashed red. “Captain I must protest, this could be a trap.”

The captain sat in his chair. He crossed his right leg over his left, then changed his mind and almost instantaneously crossed his left leg over his right. The AI’s eyes narrowed at the performance which seemed like the actions of a man who’d gone utterly and completely nuts. “She’s a pussycat really. I quite like her. Open the space doors,” Captain Zhong ordered.

“Aye, aye, Captain,” the AI said begrudgingly.

First Officer Zhang returned from accompanying Professor Magoo to his quarters. He sat down at his console and checked his data. “Captain, we have full power. I await your order to leave this barren rock.”

“Might have to wait; I’ve always wanted a pet and a suitable species is on her way here.”

“Captain—” “Shut it!” Captain Zhong ordered the AI. “Zhang and Zhing go and greet the Captain’s new pet dog and don’t you dare touch my present!”

The AI’s eyes flashed multi-colours. “I don’t think Miss Snicket will be too enamoured with your bravado, Captain Backboneless.”

Captain Zhong pursed his lips in annoyance.

Outside, Private Wiggles had sneaked up to the crashed ship with five Golden Snakes of Ghurid. Abdul Afghan had called them up at basecamp. Drop’em Droops and Ozzie - Prince of Barkness studied the scene though their telescopic sights.

Lemony neared the downed spaceship so Private Wiggles threw the magic dust over the snakes. In the blink of an eye, they disappeared.

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The two aliens came out of the ship. “Ah, Miss Snicket, the captain is expecting you,” Zhang said.

Drop’em Droops spoke into his helmet-radio. “I have a shot.”

“Take them out,” Sergeant Danglebelly ordered.

Two shots rang out. Zhang and Zhing screamed. “Ter wit ter woo,” they shouted, then their bodies froze and they tumbled over like falling trees.

“Damn good shot, old chap,” Droops said.

“Not as good as yours though!”

Both snipers sniggered while Lemony prepared to ascend the steps, the leaves on the forest floor shimmered as the snakes followed behind her, invisibly. President Splatitandrun hopped on with a team of his best frogs and Scratchit and Scratchit followed them with a few dozen of their hungry scratchiteers.

Several Basset soldiers helped Rex onto the alien vessel and tethered the ship to the trees with heavy ropes. “Try flying now with ten ton of ballast you dumbster!” Rex said, laughing.

Inside several alarms warbled.

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“Red alert — unknown life signs onboard.”

“Red alert — engines showing a ten ton imbalance in weight ratio to thrust.”

“Red alert — missing crew members showing brain activity one hundred percent but no bodily functions to speak of.”

Professor Magoo came on the bridge. “You seem busy, captain?”

“How did you escape?”

“If you want to be a good kidnapper, can I suggest first thing you do is lock the door. where you’ve imprisoned the victim.”

“Zhing, Zhang get in here.”

“I think you’ll find they’ve been frozen out of this conversation,” Tommy said, climbing out of Lemony’s handbag.

“Why don’t you ask your pet to explain what’s happened, captain?” the AI said, sarcastically.

Lemony’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean?”

“I think he wanted to return to Planet Square with you as his lapdog,” the AI said, sarcastically.

Lemony Snicket raised her eyebrows and moved her face very close to Captain Zhong’s square face. “The only pet around here is you, darling. Now be a good boy and go and get me a glass of water and a nail file. I damaged one on the way here.”

Captain Zhong remained in his seat, defiantly. Lemony growled and he jumped up and went to the bathroom.

A short time later he came back with a glass and a file. “There you go.”

“Good boy.” she said condescendingly. “Time for some Latin, darlings - serpentes ad te revelare.”

The snakes appeared at the captain’s feet and one slithered up his space-suit leg. President Splatitandrun jumped toward Captain Zhong. “Wheeee,” he shouted, landing on the

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captain’s lap. His mucus sack exploded on impact, covering the alien in the most exquisite smelliness.

Scratchit and Scratchit crawled up his other space-suit leg and under his Confederation of Galaxy Explorers tunic. He contorted his leg to scratch the itch, which just made it worse.

“Okay, you win,” he said, breathlessly. “I surrender and will let everyone go, all I want now is to go home.”

“Oh well that’s a shame. I was looking forward to you being my pet, but I understand.”

Captain Zhong twisted his lip into a sneer. “Computer, please allow our guests to exit!”

“They’ve wedged the space doors open so I have no control over that, captain. Miss Snicket can you switch the lights out and close the space doors behind you?” the AI said sarcastically.

“Okay sweetie. Well it’s been lovely to meet you all but I must rush, I have an urgent appointment at Missy Yang’s.”

Outside, the group congratulated each other. Tommy and Tommo gave Zhing and Zhang the antidote and Rex clambered down from the alien ship.

The mission had been a huge success.

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EPILOGUE

ing Harvey was back at Wiggly Wiggly-bum Palace, he felt great... no scratch that, he felt better than great so much so he’d decreed a day of celebration after their hard fought victory.

He’d given his butler a list of jobs to attend to which would ease his workload. He’d changed into some casual-wear ready for probably the most momentous meeting of his reign.

Thinking about it made his heart flutter. The door to his study opened and Claude approached him. There’s a Mr Dwarf asking to see you, sir,” he said.

“Mr Dwarf – never heard of him. Tell him I’m busy.”

Claude coughed quietly. “I never question your decisions but I think you should listen to what he has to say.”

King Harvey stroked his chin, pondering. “Okay Claude, send him in.”

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The King sat on his sofa and waited. A few minutes later Claude brought the mystery visitor in. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, your royal highness. I won’t keep you long,” he said.

“Thank you, so what brings you to the Basset dogdom?”

“I have a business proposition for you.”

“I’m listening.”

“I’d like to settle here and start a business. My idea is to buy Basset Square. I will lease it back to you on a nine hundred and ninety-nine year lease for a peppercorn rent and charge the occupants a modest monthly rent, payable to me.”

The monarch considered the proposal for a few minutes. It seemed too good to be true.“I like the idea of freeing up funds for other projects but the cost to you, I think, could be prohibitive.”

“Let me be the judge of that. My business partner, a Basset, died a few years back and left me a substantial fortune. I have built on that and have one million pieces of gold to invest - it’s yours in exchange for the Square.”

King Harvey’s jaw dropped open. “That is a fortune,” he said.

“So life would continue as usual for my subjects, only difference they would pay rent directly to you instead of my estate?”

“That’s it in a nutshell!”

“Let me think about this and I’ll give you my decision in the morning. Where are you staying?”

“Thank you. I’m residing at the Pig’s Bottom, sir.”

“Ah! My good friend and loyal subject, Rigsby. I will meet you there once the parade is over.”

“Thank you, your majesty, I look forward to a good outcome, sir. I would love to be part of your dogdom.”

“Indeed, we would love to have you!” ***

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Lemony Snicket and Charlotte were back at their salon, PUCCI, located at the centre of Basset Square. Thankfully their good friend Honey had kept the Basset wheels of commerce turning.

Lemony felt excitable: King Harvey had invited her to the palace which was great but she couldn’t decide what dress to wear which was somewhat less than great. Honey presented her with a red dress. “This looks nice, Lem.”

“Oh yes, I like that. Can I try it on?”

After a few minutes in the changing room, lots of groans, oohs and aaaahs, she stepped out and waited for her friend’s opinions.

“That looks stunning,” Miss Moolah Tallula mused.

“A Queen in waiting,” Honey said, a playful smile on her lips.

Lemony looked at her reflection in the mirror and burst into tears. “What’s wrong?” Honey asked.

“I really, really, really love Harvey. He is so cultured for a Basset. I have never seen him slobbering, pumping or licking his own backside. I hope this is the start of good things to come.”

“He couldn’t wish for a better partner. What time is he picking you up?”

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“He said he’d be here this morning on the eleventh chime of the Basset Tower bell.”

“How sweet, he is very thoughtful.”

Honey and Miss Moolah Tallulah worked hard to get her ready.

As well as the dress, there was makeup, mane styling and nails.

A Queen had to be ready for her King.

Lemony checked the clock in the corner of the shop. “Half a minute to go.”

Honey and Miss Moolah Tallulah fussed over Lemony but their ears pricked up when the Basset Tower bell chimed. Honey counted aloud. “One, two, three, four...”

“I am so nervous,” Lemony complained.

“Seven, eight, nine, ten...”

On the eleventh chime Claude de la Stinkybreath came into the shop. “His majesty awaits you, Miss Lemony,” he said gesturing to the door. As she left she mouthed Wish me luck to her girlfriends.

Outside, King Harvey stood at the golden carriage; he deployed the steps and helped her onto the coach. “You look beautiful,” he said.

“Thank you ‘H’ you don’t look too bad yourself.”

Honey and Miss Moolah Tallulah blubbed like Bassets who’d lost their bones. By now a crowd had started to gather for the afternoon’s parade; they got the bonus of watching King Harvey and Lemony leave in a carriage drawn by pure white Shetland ponies and driven by Claude de la Stinkybreath.

“Where are we going,” Lemony enquired.

“A picnic in Bracken Woods.”

“That sounds so much fun.”

A short drive later, they arrived at King Harvey’s favourite spot. Claude helped Lemony down then the King. “Walk with me,” his majesty said.

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They strolled for a few hundred yards and as they turned the corner, Lemony’s face lit up. Candles hung in the trees and rose petals had been spread across the forest floor. A tartan blanket lay on the ground and was covered with delicious looking, and very aromatic exotic foods. Lemony’s eyes glazed over. “Oh how thoughtful.”

“A scene fitting for a queen, my Queen.”

King Harvey knelt down and pulled a box from his pocket, flipping it open with his paw. “Lemony Snicket, will you marry me?”

“You know I will,” she said bursting into tears. King Harvey popped open a bottle of Professor Magoo’s fizzy wine. “To the future,” he toasted.

“To the future,” Lemony repeated.

The King and Lemony spent a couple of hours laughing, talking, eating, more laughing, reminiscing, generally having a good time... no forget that... generally having a fantastically splendid time.

Claude de la Stinkybreath approached. “It’s getting close to time to leave for the parade, sir.”

“Thank you, Claude.”

*** The King’s carriage swept into Basset Town. The place was buzzing as the King’s Grenadier Guards Band marched through

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the Square. The crowd waved Basset flags, and generally were having a great time.

The King, the Homeguard, Prince Smurphy-Murphy and Lemony stood on the hastily erected platform. King Harvey took the mic. “Fellow Bassets I can confirm we won our battle with the aliens. Lord Danglebelly, Prince Smurphy-Murphy and Lemony outwitted the aliens. I would also like to thank our new friends, Noel – the only hooman in the village, Rex, who in case you’re wondering, is a Bassetosaurus and Abdul Afghan. A celebration—” King Harvey was interrupted by the alien ship roaring across the sky. He bowed and clapped his colleagues on the platform.

“That’s them gone, he said. “Now where was I?...Yes... right. A celebration banquet in Basset Park is the order of the day and everyone is welcome.”

The town’s brethren cheered and started a Mexican wave. The King turned to Lemony. “I have a quick meeting at the Pig’s Bottom and I will follow you down.

“Okay my love.”

King Harvey went into Rigsby’s establishment, accompanied

by Drop’em Droops and Ozzie - Prince of Barkness who had swopped their camoflage clothes for more suitable black suits.

“Your royal highness, this is an honour,” Rigsby said.

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The King noticed Mr Dwarf sitting alone at a table in the corner.

“Yes Rigsby, I must make an effort to come more often.”

“What can I get you?”

“Two ginger beers.”

Drop’em Droops and Ozzie - Prince of Barkness pulled up chairs at another table and King Harvey headed toward Mr Dwarf, drinks in hand.

The dwarf stood up, respectfully. “Glad you could make it, sir.”

The King sat down. “I’ve been thinking about your offer and am pleased to tell you I accept it. My solicitors, Wobble, Stink and Flurry will draw up the contracts so why don’t we toast to that,” the King smiled, which was something he didn’t do too often but today had been a great day. “To the future,” he said, raising his glass.

“To the future,” the Dwarf replied.”

“By the way, I never got your first name,” King Harvey asked.

“My name is Ebenezer Dwarf,” he said without emotion. “My business acquaintances call me Scrooge.”

THE END

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