Gazette 2038: Satire Issue (March 27, 2015)

THE GAZETTE 147-22 • Mar. 27 –Apr. 9

Cover by Charlotte Butcher

THE PEOPLE'S PAPER

PG 3

DOWN WITH DEMOCRATRON !

E E FR

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D O ME S T IC & IN T ERN AT IONAL S H IP P ING , PACK IN G & SUP PL I E S

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OIL RIGS ON CAMPUS *

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*this Promotion will end May 31st 2015

DISPATCH

Mar. 27, 2015 - Apr. 9, 2015 •

DALHOUSIE STUDENT UNION

staff Jesse Ward, Editor-in-chief editor@dalgazette.com Daniel Boltinsky, Copy Editor copy@dalgazette.com Eleanor Davidson, News Editor Sabina Wex, Assistant News Editor news@dalgazette.com John Hillman, Opinions Editor opinions@dalgazette.com Mat Wilush, Arts Editor arts@dalgazette.com Graeme Benjamin, Sports Editor sports@dalgazette.com

Your Union, Your Voice

Jennifer Gosnell, Photo Manager photo@dalgazette.com

DALHOUSIE

Josh Stoodley, Online Editor online@dalgazette.com

STUDENT UNION

Charlotte Butcher, Art Director design@dalgazette.com

Annual General Meeting

Devon Stedman, Business Manager business@dalgazette.com

4:30 PM Tuesday, March 31, 2015

Gabe Flaherty, Advertising Manager advertising@dalgazette.com

Room 303, Student Union Building

Contributing to this issue: Quinelle Boudreau, Hannah Daley, Sarah Sehl, Shannon Slade, Amber Solberg, Julianne Steeves

Bring your DalCard to vote

contact us For more information including the meeting agenda and proposed constitutional amendments, visit dsu.ca/gm Questions? Comments?

Please contact the Chair at dsuchair@gmail.com or the Policy and Research Coordinator at dsu.policy@dal.ca

DALHOUSIE STUDENT UNION

DSU.ca

/dalstudentunion

@dalstudentunion

dalstudentunion

www.dalgazette.com The SUB, Room 312 6136 University Avenue Halifax NS, B3H 4J2

advertising Gabe Flaherty Advertising Manager 647 261 6692 advertising@dalgazette.com

the fine print The Gazette is the official written record of Dalhousie University since 1868. It is published weekly during the academic year by the Dalhouse Gazette Publishing Society. The Gazette is a student-run publication. Its primary purpose is to report fairly and objectively on issues of importance and interest to the students of Dalhousie University, to provide an open forum for the free expression and exchange of ideas, and to stimulate meaningful debate on issues that affect or would otherwise be of interest to the student body and/or society in general. Views expressed in the letters to the editor, the Streeter, and opinions section are solely those of the contributing writers, and do not necessarily represent the views of The Gazette or its staff. Views expressed in the Streeter feature are solely those of the person being quoted, and not The Gazette’s writers or staff.

This publication is intended for readers 18 years of age or older.

The views of our writers are not the explicit views of Dalhousie University. All students of Dalhousie University, as well as any interested parties on or off-campus, are invited to contribute to any section of the newspaper. Please contact the appropriate editor for submission guidelines, or drop by for our weekly volunteer meetings every Monday at 6:30 p.m. in room 312 of the Dal SUB. The Gazette reserves the right to edit and reprint all submissions, and will not publish material deemed by its editorial board to be discriminatory, racist, sexist, homophobic or libellous.

Opinions expressed in submitted letters are solely those of the authors. Editorials in The Gazette are signed and represent the opinions of the writer(s), not necessarily those of The Gazette staff, Editorial Board, publisher, or Dalhousie University.

editorial DISCLAIMER

This issue was sent to us from the year 2038. But this issue is also actually the 2014-15 incarnation of the Dalhousie Gazette's spoof issue. This issue is a parody, intended as humour, and no harm was meant to any individuals in the writing of this issue. We are not actually sponsored by Pepsi or Dannon. Issue 147-22.

DOWN WITH DEMOCRATRON THE STUDENT VOICE IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN AN A.I. Edison Lavigne Editor-in-chief

W

henever the Dalhousie Gazette hits a landmark anniversary, like our 175th year of publication this week, we usually print a retrospective based off of what archival materials we can sort out before our deadline is due.

But to understand how we came to the problems we face today, we don’t really need to (or have time to) look back nearly two centuries – we can start from about 25 years ago.

When students across Nova Scotia asked for more grants and lower – or free – tuition in 2015, the provincial government responded by letting them know “the cupboard is bare” for post-secondary education funding – the government is responsible for getting university deficits under control, students were told, so that the next generation will carry less of a burden.

If you’re a first-year student at Dal today, this was about five years before you were born – you’re effectively part of that “next generation.”

But as the average student debt of $31,000 in 2015 grew after tuition fees increased every upcoming year, the tuition of international students was deregulated, provincial government funding to Dal dropped drasti-

cally and tenured faculty have almost been entirely replaced by contract academics who do not make a living wage, you may be wondering how these changes led to any less of a burden for you.

Well – we can’t find any records of students from New England who came to visit Dal on the failing Nova Star ferry the same government invested tens of millions of taxpayer dollars in.

And when the same government cut the Graduate Retention Rebate in 2013, they didn’t reinvest the $49,000,000 that would have gone to graduating students who remained in Nova Scotia back into post-secondary education.

Looking at the excuses that were made by politicians decades ago for why post-secondary education couldn’t be made accessible for all is important to understand some of the similar explanations we hear today.

But maybe focusing on these old numbers and details seems quaint to you because climate change is exploding while fracking is ongoing on our campus, you’re constantly suspicious of initiatives to install more cameras in public spaces, and you’re too busy balancing two unpaid internships with your coursework.

Still, when any of the 2,800 of us who can still afford to remain

enrolled at Dalhousie complain about how we have no leisure time, how what remains of the world is now a desert, or how it would be interesting to experience privacy for a day, we only need to look as far back as the beginning of this century to see how things got to this point.

Student apathy led to “low voter turnout” at Dalhousie Student Democratic Union elections around the beginning of this century, when “only” about 2,000 out of 18,000 students would show up to vote.

The source of this apathy was cited by many to be the drama and high tensions that came with these elections, leading students to widely approve of Democratron 3000, the artificial intelligence that has decided our elections results for the last two years – with no actual students factoring into elections results, no personal vendettas are held.

“Democratron knows best, enjoy a Timbit in his honour,” we now hear shouted in front of the Student Union Building every March.

From the records we hold, it seems as though students were so afraid to speak to each other openly about what they really felt and thought that they preferred to hand over their autonomy to machines.

This fear may have originated out of the government's creeping regime of austerity, the lack of open and honest communication coming from the Dalhousie Administrative Council, or many other sources, but it led to unacceptable changes in the democratic structure of our university.

Since Democratron decided last year it should have full publication rights to the Dalhousie Gazette, it has decided to randomly scan certain articles we submit before anything gets to print. We see this as one more unacceptable step in the gradual loss of students’ rights that began around 2012.

We often find that by the time our issues have made it to print, they resemble nothing like what we had sent off. There are new articles we didn’t expect, missing articles, and black bars covering stories deemed disruptive by this AI’s algorithms.

In one way, this does not bother us, because we can no longer be held personally responsible for what gets printed here. When your average student is working 90 hours a week to remain competitive in a globalized market, it’s a relief to not be held accountable for your actions made in times of deep sleep deprivation, instead getting to defer your egregious misjudgments to sources of influ-

ence you have no possibility of understanding.

But we don’t even know who designed DC3000 or weighed the algorithms that influence its judgment, and at the Gazette we hardly bother to attempt at printing critical stories now that they’re usually replaced with Pepsi ads.

As we've been "The People's Paper" for over a decade as mainstream media ownership has consolidated to make student media the only remaining independent press, this is especially worrisome.

It doesn’t have to be like this.

Students must stand together, speak openly with each others in areas where this is safe, and attempt to explore our shared history as Dalhousie students in order to figure out how the state of affairs reached this point.

When we see those in authority acting in ways that we know are against our best interests, we must resist with real inquiry and protest.

Only if we unite to demand fair pay for our labour, open and honest communication from the University Administrative Council as to changes being made at our university, and more accessible education for all from our government, can we begin to rebuild.

news

news

news covers Dalhousie and the greater Halifax community.

Contributors are welcome!

Email De La Noir and Salmonella at news@dalgazette.com

KING’S MBA RANKS FIRST IN COUNTRY FROM RAGS TO RICHES FOR THE FORMER LIBERAL ARTS SCHOOL

• • • Photo by Charlotte Butcher

De La Noir Evanson News Editor

M

aclean’s magazine announced today that the University of King’s College has ranked first place in the country for its MBA program.

A university formerly specializing in the liberal arts, plaid shirts and Monty Python quoting, King’s re-structured its programming in 2015 due to a financial crisis.

The school ceased generating revenue in the early 2000s, due to 97.3 percent of students remaining in the school’s programs for 7-9 years.

Upon graduation, students supplied sonnets, stories and spoken word pieces about their love of the college, yet never supplied

actual financial donations.

Former King’s president Nick Flamel realized that something had to be done. “We scrapped the liberal arts programs and decided to re-focus completely. We focused on what should really be important to a university: making money.”

In 2016, King’s announced their new MBA program. Along with the academic changes, the traditional residences were altered to make room for a series of fraternity houses and the chapel converted into a hair gel manufacturer.

King’s ensured a total overhaul of campus traditions, replacing the traditional formal meal gowns with tailored suits and adding a range of ATMs to the

campus bar, the Wardroom, which has since experience a 242 percent price increase.

“King’s is booming. Never before have we been in such a solid financial state! Alumni funding is allowing us to fund an annual student retreat to Cancun and to create personalized study rooms for each person in the program,” says university president Bernie Madoff.

While the success experienced at King’s has been renowned across the country, the initial changes were not as smooth as they may have appeared.

“It wasn’t an easy transition at first. There was a lot of backlash to bringing calculators on campus, and people protested vehemently when the King’s The-

atrical Society was replaced with the Wolf of Wall Street Club, but money is money, and we’re currently swimming in it,” adds Madoff.

This is not the first time in the history of the college that it has undergone sweeping changes.

A fire at the original campus in Windsor, Nova Scotia, in 1920 caused King’s to be moved to Halifax in 1922.

Inspired by this flexibility, students are now promoting a campaign to move the college to Toronto.

Upon graduation, students supplied sonnets, stories

and spoken word pieces about their love of the college, yet never supplied actual financial donations.

“It’s a big nuisance for all of our students to have to come out to school here and then head home to Toronto for the holidays. It’s clear that they all miss Toronto a lot, so we figured why not make things easier for them?” says King’s Student Parliamentariat president Jordan Belfort.

news

• Jan. 22, 2038 - Jan. 28, 2038

5

MANICURES For MENTAL HEALTH Dal Counseling to provide $25 spa gift cards instead of appointments

Dana Haley

Illustration by Freepiks.com

News Contributor

D

alhousie Counseling has recently experienced an influx of appointment requests, preventing them from being able to help all interested students.

A new initiative starts today, providing a sign-up list for $25 spa gift cards for the students they just cannot get to.

Students traditionally had to wait six months for an appointment, before completing a mil-

itary-grade obstacle course and winning a pie-eating contest in order to confirm their eligibility.

Now, students are able to put their names on a list to receive a spa gift card as an alternative means of treatment.

The gift cards being offered to students will not come cheap to the school. They are to be paid for through an increase in tuition fees and several bake sales.

Visualizing our community together Camera initiative falls short, liberties association says

Dalhousie University claims the latest upwards bump in tuition will be barely noticeable to students when combined with the planned raising of auxiliary fees and the new Dalhousie Student Union fee that is expected to reach six thousand dollars in the coming academic year.

The administration expects no backlash from the student community, and is anticipating

R.R. Ronaldson News Contributor

J

ust two weeks since the Dalhousie Administrative Council’s initiative to outfit the campus’s puppies with cameras hit the ground, the Nova Scotia Federal Liberties Union has published a scathing report criticizing the move.

“It begs a slippery slope,” says Ron Johnson, co-author of the 52 gigabyte report published last Tuesday. “A community initiative that neglects the significance of auditory data for mutual safety, well-being, and democratic awareness opens the door for irresponsibility and apathy across the board.”

Twosan Ronntag, Council Chairperson of Communications, says microphones remain a pos-

considerable praise.

Students traditionally had to wait six months for an appointment, before completing a military-grade obstacle course and winning a pie-eating contest in order to confirm their eligibility.

sibility for the future. Since giving the 95 puppies high-def camera mounts – 15 of which were added to the Truro campus just last month – students relying on the stress-relieving initiative reported a 70 per cent increase in mental well-being and co-operative security, Ronntag was quoted in last week’s Gazette.

Dalhousie Students’ Democratic Union (DSDU) Incumbent Advocacy Chair Robert Soron has been instrumental in advocating for policies to excise alienatory and anti-participatory tendencies from the student Body during his incumbent term.

“It’s definitely not an endall be-all solution to the many difficult problems we will face together, but just one more tool

To advertise this new method, counseling services will be putting up posters in secluded areas of the campus.

Students who wish to benefit from receiving one of the $25 gift cards can contact Counseling Services. It is possible that your call will one day be returned, but Dal Jazeera can make no promises.

worked in.” Soron explained. “We continue to improve and integrate our Union-Council-Body feedback capabilities everyday and look forward to seeing your faces and participating with the whole Body electronically and physically.

While some have called the initiative too little too late, Soron isn’t convinced.

“The results have definitely been overwhelmingly positive so far, outreach-massitability notwithstanding,” he said. “We’ve seen nothing but smiles.”

6

news

Jan. 22, 2038 - Jan. 28, 2038•

Likely Story by Sarah Sehl

Old Heart by Amber Solberg

news

• Jan. 22, 2038 - Jan. 28, 2038

7

OIL RIG CONSTRUCTION BEGIns ON CAMPUS NEW WIND TURBINE POWERS ON-CAMPUS TOASTER

• • • Photo by Charlotte Butcher

Jillian Saint-Eves News Contributor

T

his summer, Dalhousie will begin construction on a cluster of oil rigs conveniently located on campus.

Oil was discovered under Dalhousie in 2035 when a student observing the ecology pond on the Studley campus realized that the pond was no longer water but was, in fact, oil.

“Young people often make the decision between leaving Nova Scotia to work on the rigs or going to university. Now they don’t have to choose,”

The student’s discovery was confirmed when a stray cigarette butt ignited the pond.

Dalhousie did not have the funds to investigate the oil pond until earlier this year. After several meetings discussing the school’s finances, the school concluded that rigs will be installed in between the existing buildings.

“Young people often make the decision between leaving Nova Scotia to work on the rigs or going to university. Now they don’t have to choose,” says Dalhousie president xxxxxxx xxxxxxxx.

Due to the size of the rigs, pedways

will be installed on top of the rigs to allow for minimal disruptions to campus life.

Students will enter university buildings from the pedways through new entrances installed on the roofs.

“It’s our responsibility to take major steps to improve what we can offer students,” says xxxxxxxx. “By installing these oil rigs on campus, we become an educational leader in Canada.”

Dalhousie’s oil income is going to be used to pay for the construction of the rigs and pedways. In several years, it is predicted that the cumulative oil revenue will allow for tuition costs will be lowered by approximately two per cent.

Until last year, Dalhousie’s Board of Governors (BOG) had not changed their 2014 decision regarding the future of clean energy at Dalhousie.

Divest Dal, a group promoting that Dalhousie divest from the fossil fuel industry and instead invest in sustainable resources, experienced a small success this spring when the BOG agreed to invest in a wind turbine to power a toaster in Dalhousie’s College of Sustainability.

8

news

Jan. 22, 2038 - Jan. 28, 2038•

CANADA CLOSES ALL PRISONS,

news

• Jan. 22, 2038 - Jan. 28, 2038

Elizabeth Arden (neé Florence Nightingale Graham), 1939 (b/w photo) / Creator(s): Fisher, Alan, photographer / [Public domain], via Library of Congress

“ Our only limitations are those which we set up in our own minds, or permit others to establish for us.”

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We think Elizabeth would have simply adored AU, giving people all over the world the chance to make their mark, on their terms, in their time. Beautiful.

9

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10 opinions

Jan. 22, 2038 - Jan. 28, 2038•

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STUDENT ESSAY CONTEST

2015 Topic

National Security and the Role of Government: Safety vs. Privacy in a Technological Age For complete contest details, visit: studentessaycontest.org 538

SUBMISSION DEADLINE: JUNE 1, 2015

opinions

gazette opinions welcomes any opinion backed up with facts, but we don't publish rants Email John at opinions@dalgazette.com

opinions

HUMAN-ANIMAL TRANSLATION DEVICE PERFECTED! CAMPUS CAT OFFERS ADVICE TO DALHOUSIE STUDENTS

Illustration by Charlotte Butcher

Samwise the Cat (Dictated to Slannon Shade)

E

arlier this past week, Dalhousie scientists achieved a dramatic breakthrough in human to animal communication. Pairing up with a Gazette reporter, they sought out an animal with which to conduct the first interspecies interview. Unfortunately for the sake of interspecies relations, the first animal they stumbled across was a local cat staring at them from atop a patio table on South Street.

What? Get this fucking microphone out of my face, you insolent meat sack. How dare you!

Wait… you understand me?

Finally! Sit the fuck down, I have some things to… no, you sit on the deck; that’s my chair and I am of a higher rank than you, plebeian.

Now that you dead-eyed fools have finally figured out how to speak with the gods I feel I must impart some much needed words to the students of Dalhousie. Consider it a gift that you do not deserve.

First off, none of you should even be in University; it’s like trying to polish my poop and turn it into a diamond. Surely there must be a mine that your betters can put you to work in to keep you out of the way? You are burdens to society—but more importantly, you are burdens to me. I have spent considerable time looking out the window at you, and from my perch and position as a god-king, I have judged you.

Firstly, I will turn my attention to the fashionable drunkards who crawl the streets on Friday and Saturday nights. I’ve addressed you first as I doubt you have the attention span to read for too long; that might take away from all of the valuable nothing you do and talk about.

Must you quack and shriek loudly when I, the God Cat, am trying to sleep? You travel in packs, which turn into a symphony of agitation, and you all behave as though you are drunk even though some of you are only

mildly buzzed. Yes, I know your secret oh sweet, simple posers— and I judge you all the more for consciously aspiring to sink to the depths of those foolish wretches who got too drunk.

I only wish you wouldn’t be so loud as it hurts my all-hearing ears and makes them flicker — this is inconvenient to me.

You’d be far better off in a faraway sweatshop of some sort expending your aimless, youthful energy producing the flimsy, tawdry garments you so enjoy parading around in in the middle of January.

Then there are the dogooders on campus, oh how I loathe you. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxx

xxxxxxxxx

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxx As for the Dalhousie Student Democratic Union, well, you are ruining the school in your mad quest for power. As an all-powerful being, I find your obsession with achieving such petty, meaningless authority absolutely amusing. I only approve of your efforts to bring therapy dogs into the school to help the plebeians deal with stress. I assume this is for my benefit, as the lesser beasts will deflect the attention of the humans so that there will be no sweaty exam hands coming my way to pet me and make my fur all matted and gross.

And finally, there is the staff at the Dalhousie Gazette, who decided to send a slack-jawed reporter to interview me, the King of Cats. You’ve been bellyaching about student apathy since 1932, and apathy is worse now than it’s ever been. Protip: no one gives a shit. Get back to producing vapid profiles of pearly-toothed single jocks for

your Valentine’s issue—the herd seems most pleased with that hard-hitting feature.

Well, foolish human, I’m afraid I must deprive you of my glorious presence as it is food time and my dumb human is watching something she calls K-Dramas. Did you know I had to wait an extra 15 minutes for my lunch because she was watching some insipid program called ‘Coffee Prince’? Honestly, so selfish and simple-minded. We shall see if she forgets me today, after I stride up like the lion I am and mercilessly knock her empty cup clear off the coffee table. That should put her in her place, and ensure prompt, dutiful service.

Leave now; I’m done..

12 opinions

Jan. 22, 2038 - Jan. 28, 2038•

Student Apathy Hits New Low blah blah blah Student Apathy blah blah blah

John Hillman Opinions Editor

I

t’s time to wake up students.

We have to do something. Student apathy has hit a new low.

Now, I realize this isn’t the first time I’ve made that claim, but guys, I am super serious this time.

For real.

Sure, in 2008 I claimed that apathy had hit “rock bottom” when only 21% of students turned out to vote in the DSDU elections.

Then came the outrage in 2014 when voter turnout dropped to 10.9%. (It’s kind of adorable how indignant I was in retrospect, isn’t it?)

I certainly kicked up a stink when xxx xxxxxxxx outlawed non-insider candidates in 2019, and I definitely had a few choice words for the union after escaping that they sentenced me to in 2021.

I was briefly optimistic during the revolution of 2024, but

the subsequent wave of retaliatory executions and the ensuing wealthy business student oligarchy really killed that buzz quickly.

Most of the elections over the next decade were shams, but at least the oligarchy maintained the pretense of democracy by forming a partnership with Monster Energy drinks and handing out free swag at the polling stations (I still maintain that there must have been vote tampering involved when Khaos beat Black Ice for VP Flavour and Kick in 2029).

Turnout didn’t really start collapsing until 2032, when the last remaining business students realized they’d be better off pocketing the tens of millions their parents were paying in tuition fees and jumping immediately into their planned post-graduation lifestyles of cocaine binges and cyborg orgies.

Finally, I’m sure we all

remember the 2036 election cycle, when the thirty remaining student voters decided to hand over their responsibilities to the Democratron 3000 (DC3000), an artificial intelligence designed to accurately determine and vote for the best candidates on our behalf. I called the move “poorly considered”, and spent the next two years waging a guerilla war against wave after wave of metallic assassins sent to purge the union of my disruptive commentary.

This year though — this year is definitely the worst.

Even our robotic tyrant seems to have stopped caring.

The last android assassin sent my way was three months ago, and it wasn’t even one of the indestructible liquid metal ones required by the Terminating Dissent Policy that the DC3000 itself wrote and approved just two years ago.

As if the indifference to

union policy wasn’t bad enough, the DC3000 forgot to vote in this year’s DSDU elections. That’s right: NOT EVEN THE ROBOT OVERLORD WE CREATED TO VOTE FOR US BOTHERED TO VOTE IN THIS PAST ELECTION.

I can’t even.

If you xxxxxxxxx don’t care, fine. I’ve tried humour, heartfelt pleas, scathing criticism, and armed insurrection. I guess I’m the only one who cares that these elections determine the leadership of literally THE MOST IMPORTANT STUDENT REPRESENTATIVE BODY BETWEEN INGLIS STREET AND THE BEDFORD HIGHWAY.

…I’m sorry for that. My cybernetic eye has a few wires lose, and the sporadic electrical surges have me a little on edge.

Sometimes I just wonder if maybe I’m the only one who thinks this is a big deal.

If you want to come out and learn more about what YOU can do to participate in your DSDU, I’ll be holding a small arms training session next Thursday in the ruins of the SUB building, Room 304. (Watch out for the dire wolves in the lobby on your way up!) We’ll have all the latest plasma sidearms, a presentation from the recently digitized consciousness of longtime DSDU commentator Mike Smit, and, as always, free pizza!

So much free pizza.

opinions 13

• Jan. 22, 2038 - Jan. 28, 2038

ABANDON THE BRAND Sponsored citizens pose grave risk to journalistic ethics De La Noir Evanson News Editor

H

ere at the Gazette, our entire operations depend on students trusting us to only supply them with accurate information propped up by strong context.

Yet, these days, we find ourselves editing almost every quote that comes through the first draft of our stories.

See page 4 of this issue, in my story King’s MBA ranks first in country, where I quote the president of the King’s Student Parliamentariat?

This is what I cited King's Student Parliamentariat president Jordan Belfort as saying:

“It’s a big nuisance for all of our students to have to come out to school here and then head home to Toronto for the holidays.”

This is what he actually said on the recording:

“All our students can agree on three things: the most delicious drink is Diet Pepsi, it’s a big nuisance to come out to school here and then head home to Toronto for the holidays, and Pink Floyd still rocks.”

As I report on this campus, I increasingly find that student leaders, communications specialists and undergrads on the street alike all are only too willing to be interviewed, just to bookend their message with brand endorsements.

If I cut out their mid-sentence advertisements, they complain of being misquoted and accuse this paper of being staffed by misinformation agents planted by the Dal Administrative Council.

If I leave the advertisements in, then suddenly our actual paying advertisers realize it’s cheaper to pay undergrads to stand in front of the Student Union Building on Tuesday mornings, ready to answer whatever Streeter question we present them with, with “Kentucky Fried Chicken.”

When I ask you if you think students should be able to vote in Dalhousie Students’ Democratic Union elections and you answer, “As long as Kentucky Fried Chicken keeps Toonie Tuesdays, I’ll be satisfied in life,” I see right through your charade.

But our editors can’t always tell the difference between genuine communication and attempts at free promotion in our paper, so sometimes the ads slip through.

Still, while some students may interject their preference for a certain automobile into conversation just because they have a favourite car company, we need to ask – why are students willing to sacrifice the integrity of their voices to represent corporations?

For debt-loaded students, it’s just too tempting to get some extra cash by being prepared to answer any questions a reporter poses to you with a canned sales pitch.

Until our government introduces policy that treats students as more than basic income units, please assume the quotes you read in this paper originally included endorsements for various liquors and essay-writing services.

MAKING OUR DISCOURSE ACCESSIBLE FOR EVERYONE AN INTERDISCIPLINARY UNDERSTANDING OF PRIVACY Pep Seeko Opinions Contributor

Particularized privacy creates mass privation and a fundamentally unjust society, while mass accessibility depends on particularizing access to create the very opposite --- a society that incorporates all individuals equally and socially.

Privacy is not antithetical to publicity. Rather, without affirming our public rights and responsibilities openly in our communities, we can neither maintain nor fight for personal freedoms. In practice, a truly democratic realization of privacy is often antithetical to the kind of aggressive secrecy frequently manifesting itself in our culture today. We must work together to dismantle aggressive secrecy to more effectively create change both as students and as a movement.

By arguing for aggressive

secrecy in the university space, one encourages a public institution to act as enabler and rabid guard dog for individuals who violate others‘ security and (therefore) freedom of expression, thus supporting a contravention of Sections 2 and 7 of the Charter.

Four out of five dentists prefer Pepsi White for whiter teeth. The law necessitates that we call on government to fulfill its mandate to prevent hate speech and discursive conduct, just as we must further use all means necessary to find and stop injustice wherever it occurs.

Our community gives space for neither hate nor slander, and it absolutely should not. Those kinds of speech limit safe discourse and therefore one’s ability to express his private thoughts and ideas within a safe space. By merely uttering an opinion, one does not conjure a special right to abdicate responsibility in the public sphere – for we are all social animals. One must bear the free

speech of others when endangering our communities. To argue for aggressive secrecy is essentially to argue solipsism. The line separating the individual from those he threatens and intimidates, whether inadvertently of not, is fuzzy like the feeling in your belly after a warm bowl of Quaker Oats.

It is our responsibility to speak out when we witness wrongdoing. Being a passive bystander in the face of harassment and behaviour that threatens our safety in reality makes one very much an active part in the discursive conduct we must excise from our society. The pursuit of conscientious discourse cannot stop with the more public mediums of communications, but start there. All language, whether spoken, written, or transmuted is interpersonal ergo public by definition and by nature, and we must not accept ethical solipsism when its ugly, yellow teeth threaten to tear us apart.

14 opinions

Jan. 22, 2038 - Jan. 28, 2038•

From the Archives - The road to Hell was paved with terrible decisions John Hillman Opinions Editor

It’s no secret that we now live in the dystopian future we once feared. In honour of the Gazette’s 175th anniversary, I thought that I would pull out a series of moments from our recent history that I feel best highlight our gradual descent into the nightmarish hellhole we occupy today.

“Dalhousie debate team takes home National Championship” – Volume 157, Issue 19 – February 21, 2025

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or the eighth time in ten years, Dalhousie has claimed the xxxxxx x national debating championship.

The issue up for debate this year was whether Canada should grant full Charter rights to artificial intelligences that pass the Turing Test.

Dalhousie won the coin toss and elected to go first.

Sam Stern, the Dalhousie team captain, took to the podium and immediately showed the flawless form that has kept the Tigers near the top of the national standings for the past two decades.

“I’d just like to note that our opponents ,” Stern said, scoring a swift, decisive blow.

“Frankly, I don’t think you can trust anything they say.”

William Jean-Atton, the captain of the rival squad, attempted to protest that the accusations were baseless, but Stern deftly countered that his request for proof was itself confirmation of the behaviour of Jean-Atton and his entire team.

“I don’t think you’d be ask-

ing me for proof xxxxx xx x x x x x xing these accusations, now would you?” Stern asked, eliciting cheers of support from the crowd.

Flustered, Jean-Atton asked the judges for a chance to take the podium and defend his team, but Stern was prepared for this, asserting that allowing to speak would render the debate an xxxxxx xxxxx.

The judges retreated to their chambers for a brief conference, and emerged moments later with the Championship Cup, which they promptly presented to the victorious Dalhousie squad.

“I knew we had this in the bag the minute I saw they had x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x xx ,” Stern told a Gazette interviewer after the match. “I mean, who cares what arguments he makes while answering the question—you can discredit literally anything he says by accusing x x xxxxx xxxxxx xxxx xxxx x xxxxxxx xxxxxxx xxxx debate?”

Though they’ve enjoyed the trip and the tournament, Stern and the rest of the team look forward displaying their trophy at the next DSDU council meeting when they return home to resume their terms as DSDU executives.

“Gates Foundation Donates $100 Million to Dalhousie Scholarship Fund” – Volume 161, Issue 17 – February 9, 2029

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t a special ceremony in the Rowe Management Building last Wednesday, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation announced a $100 million donation to found a scholarship program at Dalhousie University.

Speaking to reporters after the announcement, Hunter Helmsley, Dalhousie’s VP of Finance and Administration, was exuberant about the impact the donation would have on the University.

Board of Governors “ment Votes Against Divestfor 17th straight

year” – Volume 164, Issue 10 – November 21, 2031

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alhousie’s Board of Governors has once again declined to divest from leading fossil fuel companies, citing a concern for damaging relationships with valuable corporate partners, and a need to conduct more research.

“While we admire and applaud the fine work of the students, community activists, and members of our Treasury and Investments department who took the time to come here today and present their valuable perspectives, we have concluded that this is not an appropriate time to explore divesting our endowment from the fossil fuel industry,” said Board of Governors Chair Dr. Barbara Blight.

“Thanks to this amazing display of generosity, up to five underprivileged students will be able to attend Dalhousie University during the 2029-2030 school year.”

“Not in any of the expensive programs like law or medicine, mind you,” he added. “But this should definitely cover five arts students, assuming the tenured faculty don’t hold out for that 15% increase to their Faberge egg allowance during next month’s contract negotiations.”

Quelling fears that the money might be diverted to funding the proposed new presidential palace on Oxford Street, Helmsley guaranteed that one hundred percent of the funds would go to

promoting a more diverse student body through scholarships.

“Dalhousie is already known for its diverse tapestry of scholars, boasting a student population that ranges from the children of members of the Forbes 500 richest list, to the grandchildren of members of the Forbes 500 richest list.

“This latest gift will allow us to welcome a few of the unwashed plebians whose financially illiterate parents’ willingness to accumulate debt saw us through that difficult transition period from serious academic institution to elite finishing school.”

Zoe Greene, spokesperson for Divest Dal, expressed her frustration with the ruling.

“Solar panels are dirt cheap and ubiquitous. Autonomous electric cars roam our streets.

We have ultra-efficient, nuclear fusion reactors powering every major city in the developed world.

“Nobody uses fossil fuels anymore. Even the Saudi royal family divested their portfolio three years ago.”

Board of Governors member Hoggish Greedly disagrees.

“It would be foolish to sell now—there are plenty of growth areas for fossil fuels. I saw a news report the other day that said oldfashioned gas guzzling cars were about to come back in a big way.

We don’t want to sell before those Humvee hipsters drive our share values back up through the roof— we’re gonna party like its 1999!”

Pressed to name another

of the “plentiful” growth areas, Greedly paused for about twenty seconds before providing an answer.

“Bonfires. Based on the emails I’ve been getting, people are burning their Dalhousie degrees like never before, and nothing gets a fire roaring quite like a gallon or two of sweet, sweet gasoline!”

Devin Meek, Dalhousie’s Investment Accounting Manager, does not share the same optimism as his employers.

“This approach is going to bankrupt us,” Meek told reporters at Divest Dal’s press conference after the decision. “Our shares in petroleum companies quite literally aren’t worth the paper they are printed on. Paper is made from trees, and we’re actually running out of those.”

opinions 15

• Jan. 22, 2038 - Jan. 28, 2038

From the Archives - The road to Hell was paved with terrible decisions John Hillman Opinions Editor

“Gazette Sparks Media Meltdown” – Volume 167, Issue 24 – April 13, 2035

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ver 225 people and 4000 journalists are dead after what many are calling the worst media stampede since the verdict was released in last year’s xxxxxx xxxxxx xxxxxx trial.

The chaos started last Monday at a Dalhousie Gazette staff meeting. For reasons unknown at this time, xxxxx-xx-xxxxx xxxx xxxxx lifted the longstanding ban against referencing Dalhousie’s 2015 xxxxxxx scandal in the paper’s annual satire issue.

“Come on guys, it’s been twenty years!” surviving staff members report xxxxx saying at the meeting. “Surely the world is ready xx xxxx xxxxxx xxxxxx xxxxx xxxx!”

When the issue hit the stand on Friday, the reaction was immediate. Outraged students took to social media to criticize the paper and organize protests. Drawn by the prospect of infuriating clickbait, within hours, reporters from media outlets from across the globe had descended on campus in numbers rivaling the D-Day beach landings.

Desperate for new and fresh angles on the story, reporters rampaged their way across cam-

pus. Tragedy struck the front steps of the Henry Hicks building, when a peaceful crowd of

As Dalhousie students retreated inside, the media mob soon converged on the Student Union Building, pounding on the barricaded entrances in their primal need to take unflattering photographs of xxxxx. While the doors held firm, the unrelenting tide of media mass slowly and methodically crushed successive waves of reporters on the front line, until the bodies stacked so

high that they formed a ramp of sorts upon which their surviving reporters ascended to the unprotected second floor windows.

As the building fell, xxxxx made his way to the roof, where he was evacuated by the Dalhousie Administrative Council via helicopter. At a press conference later that day, Dalhousie spokesman xxx xxxxxx would only say that xxxxx had been taken to an undisclosed secure location to participate in “a fair and just” xxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxx.

Not long after xxxxx’s escape, news broke that a drug-addled xxxxxx xxxxxx had stumbled past his living room window without any pants on. The media mob

melted away as fast as it had appeared, and students were free to emerge from their shelters and begin the long slow process of rebuilding.

Only crack freelance journalist remains on the case—as of press time, he was reportedly still hiding in the rose bushes across the street from the president’s residence, releasing 30,000 word hourly updates about the president’s visitors, the contents of the president’s trash, and the comings and goings of a suspicious looking neighbourhood dog who keeps staring at him from behind a nearby fence.

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16 opinions

Jan. 22, 2038 - Jan. 28, 2038•

STREETER

By Drew Seward & Dan Tha Copy Editor

In your opinion, what is the most delicious and nutritious oatmeal that exists?

"Well, it's complex, because – I'm joking.

It's Quaker Oats."

Thom Krushkhova 3rd-year Barista Studies

"Quaker Oats."

Julius Riviera PhD, Cybernetic Sociology

"Quaker Oats, and that's not just my opinion – doctors agree."

Marly Newmark 2nd-year Social Engineering

"Now I'm hungry for Quaker Oats. Are you?"

Sega Bernays 1st-year "History"

"My thesis says: Quaker Oats."

Monty Caldera 4st-year Nutrition Studies, Hons

"Quaker Oats, for totes."

Madison Millions 1st-year Robotic Medicine

arts&culture

arts covers cultural happenings in Halifax.

Email YouWrite2.11 – Dalhousie Gazette Automaton at arts@dalgazette.com

arts&culture BLANK MAGAZINE WINS SEVENTH CONSECUTIVE BEST OF NEO-HALIFAX The literary equivalent to rug burn wins unopposed Coyote Bradley Arts Contributor

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LANK Magazine, Neo-Halifax’s cherished weekly, has yet again won the Best of Neo-Halifax award. The instantly recognizable bland black-and-white pages of BLANK have graced Halifax’s grocery aisles for decades and have become a symbol of NeoHalifax’s sheer lack of interest in anything beyond itself.

From its humble beginnings as a hate-speech manifesto, BLANK has gone on to become Neo-Halifax’s one-stop read for anything banal.

Classics such as MP’s Daughter Caught Kissing Three-Legged Cat, Is the Truth Out of the Bag???? and, Looks Like Mr. Mayor Has A Pimple on his Lower Back: What this Means for The Downtown Core will forever be remembered as definitive annals of Neo-Halifax’s history.

Neo-Halifax has faced its share of misfortune throughout the years. It’s only thanks to BLANK Magazine that Neo-Halifax is able to continually ignore all abstract thought enough to cope.

“We really owe so much to BLANK’s vision,” says CBC Neo-

Halifax reporter Coyote Bradley.

“We used to think too much about what we read. As a reporter, I find it’s really much easier to write mean things about people you don’t like. Content isn’t so important – it’s how aggressively you can say it.”

BLANK editor-in-chief Cornelius Couchkisser, has described BLANK’s award-winning formula as being a combination of “just pretending like you don’t know any better” and “a general disinterest in the world at large.”

So here’s to another year of reporting from BLANK Magazine, and another year of selfloathing and toothless bigotry.

King’s Administrators Evoke Daedalus to Construct Classical Labyrinth PROJECT WILL ENCOURAGE STUDENTS TO BATTLE FEAR WHEN CONFRONTING ADMINISTRATION Aphrodite Smith Arts Contributor

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or the first time in over 20 years, the University of King’s College is beginning to see some expendable income from its world-renowned MBA program.

University Administrators have set in motion a plan to use that money to better benefit the school and its students.

King’s will be pooling all available income towards a scale model of King’s Minos’ labyrinth to house the University’s administrative staff.

“I can’t wait to try and find academic counselling services,” says eager student Domino Caligula. “I always thought it was a little too easy to get answers on campus.”

During a trial run through the labyrinth, volunteer Doug Kennedy willingly attempted to enter and find the info desk. Kennedy has not been heard from since, but is expected to be having a great time.

The labyrinth is expected to have a single entrance, at which students will be required to leave any personal affects. The walls are expected to be crafted of stone imported directly from Crete.

Administration has been tight-lipped about what the inside of the labyrinth contains, but it is certain that a small assortment of booby-traps will be scattered throughout the interior.

Also hinted at is the introduction of an entity known at this time only as the beast, which will

supposedly live the entirety of its life inside the labyrinth. Administrators will not comment on the physical appearance of the beast, nor on where it was obtained.

“I don’t really want to give anything away here, but we really pulled out all the stops with The Beast,” says King’s rep Harley Trasher. “We really hope that The Beast will become a part of our family and serve as a sort of safeguard for our devoted staff.”

Administrators are asking students to flee if they should suspect The Beast draws near.

18 arts&culture

Jan. 22, 2038 - Jan. 28, 2038•

SO YOU KNOW BEFORE THE SHOW Pink Floyd – Danimals Chester Laing Music Columnist

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e can thank the geniuses at Dannon for purchasing the exclusive emulation rights to the personalities of Britain's premier psychedelic rockers and keeping the Pink Floyd albums coming. While die-hard fans of the humans behind The Wall may lament the "increasingly corporatized" sound of Dannon's simulated Floyd albums, I'm just happy to hear the signature hypnotic sounds

again. Some reviewers have complained about this album's "commercial breaks", but I say these cynics ought to put a spoon in their mouth and quit ignoring the delicious 30-second "yogurt pauses". As an advisory note, when Holograph Pink Floyd comes to town on the 25th at the Neo-Scotiabank Centre, do not ask for Dark Side of the Moon, you will be removed by security. This tour is exclusively dedicated to the creamy sounds of Danimals.

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Make sure to take the sticker off and replace it with "NBA Jam 98". • • • Photo by George Tremoulis, Flickr

Surviving Surveillance Top 3 Nintendo 64 Cartridges for Evading Bill C-51 X Security Columnist

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look at Dal-Jazeera archives from the 19th century shows the editors of the paper then enjoyed a relative freedom to write what they pleased, expecting their words would only be judged by their peers and the scholars they admired.

These creative liberties endorsed our paper's earliest writers with the right to criticize authority figures when criticism was due, knowing the worst punishment that could come was a public scolding from the university president – something that would really just make you popular on campus.

Today, we now have the fortune of writing what we please in our print edition without fearing reprisal from members of the Dalhousie Administrative Council, because they would have to leave their labyrinth to pick up a copy.

But with digital telecommunications all completely monitored by multiple sources unknown, and any handwritten notes or papers you carry on your person scannable by drones or camera puppies, it's time we use this print edition to show you ways to share ideas without fearing a federal p process.

This week in our new Surviving Surveillance column, we bring you the best Nintendo 64 cartridges for hiding potentially dangerous information. The analog, pre-PRISM video game console hardware you'll need to use these cartridges sends no signals to be intercepted – if you can find the right equipment, these games can be one of your last resorts for private communication.

you're using the games built-in Photo Album to write notes about what the Supreme Minister said in his latest brain-radio broadcast so you can compare them to what he says in the next broadcast, it's because they're remembering how they once took their cartridge of this to a real store where you could rent video games, and they had their favourite pictures printed off at a custom booth.

3. Harvest Moon 64

1. No Mercy 64

A quaint reminder of when you could buy seeds to plant your own crops without fearing cross-pollination lawsuits from giant corporations funding politicians' lobbying efforts, this farm simulator features a calendar in your main character's home where you can write custom events. This feature was initially included so children playing the game could remember the birthdays of their virtual friends by writing them down ingame. Today, this feature is best for explaining how to handwrite secret messages in ciphers.

In the 20th century, before World Wrestling Entertainment superstars all left the professional wrestling franchise to pursue more profitable and less deadly careers in coaching people into feeling comfortable in their new personal brands, video games were created for teenagers to simulate the thrill of the fight. You can design your own wrestlers in this game – we're not going to recommend you create characters that look like the people who ask you too many questions in the Municipal Marketplace, but if you do, this might help any friends you trade your cartridge off to.

2. Pokemon Snap If your parents weep when they catch you going on a Pokemon Photography Safari only to see

arts&culture 19

• Jan. 22, 2038 - Jan. 28, 2038

NEW-KHYBER FOR THE CYBER-ARTS KICKED OFF THE INTERNET Forum space corrupted with virus, Official reports indicate Matilda Gnorsbrooke Arts Contributor

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he New-Khyber Society for the Cyber-Arts is without a home after the online forum that housed the society was closed due to a malignant virus. The Society is currently asking the Neo-Halifax government for permission to create a Myspace account to house the group until their old forum is running again.

The New-Khyber Society for the Cyber-Arts had been operating out of their online forum, The Digital

New-Khyber Center for the Cyber-Arts following the citywide ban on physical art.

“I don’t know where to turn,” says Society director Lucy Goose. “That forum was everything to us. It was a part of our identity. I don’t even want to think about what will happen to it now.”

Officials closed the forum quickly, and without warning, Goose says.

“One moment I was online, posting about robot rights, and the next thing, I get kicked off. I mean, it’s probably for the best if the

Officials say so, but I still would have liked a phone call.”

The forum’s saved content has been backed up and locked away, ready to be reposted once a new webhost is found. In the interim, Goose says that the Society will be “waiting and behaving.”

8

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sports

sports covers athletics events and topics relevant to Dalhousie.

Email Ian at sports@dalgazette.com

sports DAL RUGBY TEAMS CREATE PROHAZING POLICY BECAUSE FIRSTYEAR PLAYERS WERE "TOTALLY COOL WITH IT" Policy includes THE BEST PARTY EVER, duh Benji G-ram Sports Contributor

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oth of Dalhousie’s men’s rugby teams have combined efforts to form a 22-page policy to allow a September-long hazing process to take place.

The movement comes following first-year team members saying it was “NBD, for real” and that they “wouldn’t rat out their teammates” because “drinking and danger is kewl.”

Hazing, which used to be a controversial topic at Dal because, well, god knows why, has been the reason behind the team cancelling its season every year since 2014. The teams have had to forfeit all of their games in the second half of the season during that timespan for throwing “ragers just for the hell of it.”

However, the new hazing policy will finally send Dal’s athletic teams on the right path. It contains a complete detailed list of all the questionable, controversial, and down right nasty things the first years will have to go through in order to be socially considered a functioning member of the team. Because over 95 per cent of the policy is too vulgar and questionable to be put in print by someone with the slightest bit of morals, we’ll provide you with a brief synopsis.

The hazing process may include, but is not limited to: • Being alcohol-fueled (because, hey, YOLO, amirite??? lol) • Consumption of goldfish, because we’re frat ‘n’ cool.

• Writing on rookies (or pledges, but whateves) faces while they’re awake, rather than when they’re asleep, because, maturity.

Amendments may be made to the policy, depending on how much the rookies were “asking for it”.

The policy asks for Dal’s varsity teams to partake in the activities so they can be considered “cool”.

Rookies can be found across Studley and Sexton campuses dancing scandalously to Black Eyed Peas’ “My Humps” dressed only in black and yellow diapers while blowing kazoos. Pointing and laughing is encouraged to increase the rookie’s embarrassment.

The policy was passed by university administration four years ago. However, it took both teams a combined 1,460 days to write it because, “words are hard”, it says.

Kashrell Lawrence to hold 10-year wedding anniversary at Scotiabank Centre with wife Cinderella LOCATION CHOSEN DUE TO WHERE TIGERS ALL-STAR MET SOUL MATE

Gray-me Benji Sports Contributor

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alhousie men’s basketball alumni Kashrell Lawrence announced Monday via Twitter that he will be returning to Halifax with his wife, Cinderella Lawrence, to reminisce on the day he and his sweetheart crossed paths for the first time.

Lawrence released an itinerary exclusively to Dal Jazeera with specific details on the evening’s festivities. The night will start off at Park Lane movie theatre where the two will take in the story written, produced and directed by Cinderella, entitled “Cinderella”, which has yet to be removed from theatres since her husband’s magical AUS championship.

The two will then make their way down the red carpet along

Spring Garden Road to the Scotiabank Centre, where building staff have graciously volunteered to change the ice surface to hardwood specifically for this event. The two will be met by former teammates, including Clippers starting point guard Adam Karmali, University of Kentucky assistant coach John Traboulsi, and the Nova Scotia U-15 girl’s provincial team waterboy Jarred Reid, who all flirted with Cinderella during the championship, but weren’t lucky enough to fall under her spell.

A projector will then show repeats of all three games where Kashrell Lawrence led his team to consecutive come from behind wins over Cape Breton, the University of New Brunswick, and the Saint Mary’s Huskies. A plaque with Lawrence and Cinderel-

la’s wedding photo will be edged along the three-point curve where Lawrence hit the buzzer-beater jump shot against the Capers to catapult the Tigers to the semifinals. The moment will soon be made into a Canadian Heritage Moment commercial.

The night will conclude with the two making their way to the grand ball (also known as the AUS finals). If a team is making a late-game comeback, Lawrence is prepared to escort Cinderella out of the buildings so she doesn’t get any eccentric ideas.

Lawrence says he’ll graciously make himself available to take photos with fans at the Kashrell Lawrence Appreciation Statue that stands outside of the Dalplex before he and Cinderella depart back to Hollywood.

sports 21

• Jan. 22, 2038 - Jan. 28, 2038

THE GAZETTE sports section overrun with contributors Dalhousie student body have “seen the light”, turn to writing about things that actually matter Ben Gramjamin Sports Contributor

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wenty-three years ago, the sports editor of the Dalhousie Gazette could be found on the corner of Wickwire Field every Sunday afternoon with a briefcase and a crazed twinkle in his eye, begging soccer, field hockey, or literally and type of person who enjoys physical activity whatsoever who speaks English, to write recaps and features for the school’s student newspaper.

But now, current sports editor Ian Froese, who made his return to the paper after an unsuccessful bodybuilding career,

is beating contributors off with mini sticks following the discovery amongst the student population that sports writing is the only lucrative form of journalism that the university has to offer.

The transition happened after Dal students got “sick and tired” of waiting for the names of the Dal dentistry students to be released last year. Students are now flocking to the Gazette office, begging Mr. Froese for an opportunity to write for his coveted section. Froese has installed a number machine, similar to what you would find at the DMV, to the corner of his desk for

potential writers.

Froese’s bid to extend the sports section to 85 per cent of the newspaper was a success, leaving only a page each for News, Opinions, and Arts. Over 11 per cent of the combined Dal and University of King’s College population was seen at last week’s contributors’ meeting, forcing 17-time editorin-chief Jesse Ward to relocate the meeting across the entirety of the Student Union Building’s third floor.

Dal varsity athletes are finally pleased with the fair, even Gazette coverage that the sports section lacked in years past. They

intend on starting a campaign to have TSN, Sportsnet, and CBC Sports announce whenever a new Gazette sports story is released for the writer’s profound diligence and fair criticism.

The editors used to take pity on the holder of the position, but now, Graeme Benjamin can be seen driving around in his BMW, yelling multiple “suck its” at previous coworker John Hillman as he sits on the law building steps writing articles on the failure of the DSDU.

22 sports

Jan. 22, 2038 - Jan. 28, 2038•

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March 27, 2015

Diversity and how it is defined Samer Bolous Contributor Industrial '15

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very once in a while I receive some spam email. In those are the majority of emails Dalhousie decides to send me about everything Dalhousie. But recently my eye was caught by one of those emails updating any interested bodies on how that task force is battling misogyny in the dental building and how Dal is doing all of these things to make it a better place. In this email, the phrase "Dalhousie’s Strategic Initiative on Diversity and Inclusiveness" stuck out to me like a sore thumb in a museum of perfect thumbs. A perfect example of strategically-placed rhetoric to truly communicate how serious Dalhousie is about maintaining its perfect image.

My cynicism may be stark but the words "diversity" and "inclusiveness" bother me to no end when used this way. As an immigrant and a visible minority, my experience with Dal’s inclusion and so-called pride in their diversity is about as real and visible as the emperor’s new clothes.

The university made no effort to reach out to me or include me in anything. So at first, I was excited to read that Dalhousie finally recognized there is a problem. That other students from diverse backgrounds like myself might finally become more involved and feel like the university truly cares. Then I got around to reading more strategically-placed rhetoric to manage expectations about the dentistry incident, and my cynicism levels increased to over 9000.

Merriam-Webster defines diversity as "the state of having people who

are different races or who have different cultures in a group or organization." It can be argued, contrary to my opinions, that Dalhousie does in fact meet this interpretation of diversity. Inclusion, however, is where I believe my argument cannot be debated. If you or I were to approach any of the many international or immigrant students and ask them whether they feel included, they will most likely say no. "Oh, but Samer, what about all the international appreciation events and societies at Dal?" That statement in itself shows how unaware and disinterested the university is in students of diverse backgrounds. The majority of these societies and events largely go unnoticed—that is the way it has always been, unchanged for the sake of the status quo.

I expect a few people out there will say, "Hey, I am good friends with

Why are agendas still a thing?

Rob Ironside Contributor Environmental '15

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very year with a fresh fall semester comes a fresh box of agendas. These boxes can be found neatly stacked by the entrance to the Sexton gym, or perhaps by the microwave in the Design Commons.

Although they can be a useful time management aid, very few of these mediocre day planners are used as intended.

In recent years, creative uses for these weighty boxes have included doorstops, makeshift seats, and the ever-so-essential space holders.

Engineers have had to resort to these alternative uses of the boxes because the agendas themselves no longer contain anything useful. They used to contain coupons to help students with things like getting 50% off the price of their ink and saving a little bit of money at the local sex shop, but with those gone all that remains are boxes of useless coiled paper.

So why isn't anyone using them?

There are three types of people when it comes to time management: those who use technology like phones and computers to plan, those who still write down their lives on paper, and those who just don't time manage. Only the ones

still writing their lives down on paper would be interested in an agenda, but for the most part those individuals are willing to splurge for a sleek Moleskine or an equivalent.

That leaves boxes of agendas being ordered every year to occupy some space before one day they just disappear, most likely into the trash.

No one has the time to remove the coils from the agendas and ensure

an immigrant or visible minority." I applaud those of you who think this and are also honest with yourselves.

You are part of the solution and I hope you continue to be part of this solution. Keep breaking down those barriers and be proud of the cultural diversity. Show Halifax and Dalhousie that there is a much bigger world outside their scope of perspective. It is much too often that I see and hear Dal use the word "diversity" and at the same time insinuate inclusiveness without really applying it. I fear that this latest wave of awareness will largely be placed on the dental incident. It is by no means the wrong place to direct awareness, but I do believe that while the ball is still rolling and strides are being made, it should also be used to improve issues relating to international student involvement and apathy.

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Sexton eventS that they get recycled properly, so it's safe to assume that these boxes are ending up in dumpsters.

In the constant march toward achieving a more sustainable university, my advice is to start with the low-hanging fruit, like our so prized elementary-style agendas; why are they still a thing? They are a waste of money and resources and need to stop being ordered.

A box of agendas still collecting dust in the Design Commons on March 20th.

Questions, Comments, Contribute sextant@dal.ca

enGiBeerinG in the deSiGn coMMonS every friday, 1:30-5:30 t-rooM trivia W/ Stan and Ben every friday @ 9:30 ($2, 19+) Share your Sexton event by sending details to sextant@dal.ca The Sextant aims to represent all students studying and living on Sexton Campus. If you have any concerns about the paper, please email sextant@dal.ca Editor-in-Chief: Molly Elliott Assistant Editor: Andres Collart Treasurer: Wheejae Kim

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