Daisy Cutter 003

Contributors

AlexMummery..............................................................................................................................3 isTasmanianandexploringcricketfeelings.

TommyStewart..........................................................................................................................9 isafreelancejournalistandpodcastproducer.Heworkedonthe Tailenders podcast for four years and co-created cult cricket podcast, Murali End. He’s also a proud member of the minute cricketingLGBTQ+society.

KimFulton........................................................................................................................................11 isawriterandcricketerfromNewZealand.Herworkhasappeared in literary journals in New Zealand and overseas. In 2020, she publishedherfirstbookofpoems,Ikindofthoughtthealpacas wereametaphoruntilwegotthere.Kim’splayedcricketformore than25yearsinregionsthroughoutthecountry.

FergalHanna................................................................................................................................14 isaclasswarrior,sciencedoer,catlover,andStephenEskinazi fanboyfromNorthernDerbyshireviaCambridge.

JoeStephenson........................................................................................................................25 hasadadwhotaughtBenStokesforonePElessonatschooland mentionsitateverygivenopportunity.Healsohasabigthumband hasnothingtopromote.HeisonTwitter@JoeStephenson96but doesnotwantyoutofollowhim.

SeanWilliams.............................................................................................................................29

Inalovetrianglewithcricketandpaleale.NottheZimbabweallrounder.Off-breakbowlerandlower-middleorder(reckless)tee-eroffer.FounderandCEOofSurreyHaterswithMemberships.Tom Abellandwide-brimsunhatsupremacist.

BenedictJones ...........................................................33 isaGloucestershirecricketfanandartistbasedinCheltenham.

Tocheckoutmoreofhisworkheadto@benedictthepainteron Instagram.

BillyPratt.......................................................................................................................................34 saystheHundredisruiningcricketinEngland,butactuallythinksit's donequitegoodthingsforthemen'sgame.Hisfavouritecricketer ofalltimeisTyronHenderson.

Rhiannon isanaverage not-really-spinner

You,Me,and DaisyThree

Abbie islocallyflat

As greater minds than ours have saidbeforeusfollowingaperiodof itbeingsoover:wearesoback.

Char isShrektastic

Abi isJackLeach's number1girly Ildikó isyourmortal enemy

There are some famous faces gracing the pages of our latest issue! Renowned for his remembering,JoeStephensonjoins the only slightly less famous, but equally handsome, Middlesex white ballcaptainStevieEskinazi.

A big warm welcome to our newest and youngest daisy girlsit’snevertooearlytoindoctrinate them into our cricket agenda! We lookforwardtogettingthemdown the content mines soon for some hardgraft.

WinnieMaeCollins(3) isaleft-armaround and a budding Mankadenthusiast.

PeggyAmeliaCollins (baby) loves boobs morethanWarnie.

DearDaisy...

DearDaisy,

Iamstrugglingwithmyselfconfidenceatthemomentandeveryone seemstobelookingforreasonstoreplacemeintheteam.Ihavea newbosswhohasjustcomeinandwantsmetobatfasterthanIcan go,andalthoughitseemsasifeveryoneelseintheteamishappy battinglikeunhingedmaniacsatalltimes,itjustisn’treallymyspeed. Mycharismaticgingerfriendiscomingbackfrominjuryandpeople arelookingatmeasthepersontomakewayforhim,butI’vemadea lotofhardrunswhenIhaveplayedrecentlyandthesmallboywho tookmyjobwhileIwassickcan’ttakecatchesandstumping’slikeme, thosetwothingsaremytruepassioninlife.Ialsostartedwithanew productinmyhair,whywon’ttheynoticeme?

Yours,B.F

HiB,

Ithinkyouhavetwochoices:thefirstistokeeponquietlydoing whatyouaredoing.Itseemstomethatyouaretryingyourbest, andachievingsomegoodresultsevenifitsunappreciatedbythose around,eventuallyyouwillgettherecognitionyoudeserve.

Weallknowthesofthandsofglovearen’tappreciatedlikeitshould be,whichisalamenttothoseofusfreakyenoughtoregularly watchJackRussellwicketkeepinghighlightsonYouTube.Ifyouare totakethispath,trustthatyournew bossmightrememberwhat itsliketobeinyourshoesandpotentiallyappreciatesyourpassion inlife(hemighthavedoneasimilarjobatonepointinhislife,even?).

Somemightevensay,thatgoingabitslowermightevenbalance outyourteammates,whichisakeytoanyrelationship,takingtime

“thecricketers’adviceline”

tosmelltherosescanbeimmenselyrewarding.

Theotheroption,ifyoucan’tbeat‘emjoin‘em.Itmaynotfeel authentic,andleaveyouwithanemptinessyoucan’tquite appreciate.Don’tputyourselftoofaroutsideofthecomfortzone toactuallyaffectyourworkresults-thatwedon’twant. However,itmightalsogoawaytostopsomeofthatoutsidetalk andgossipandyoumightblendintothepointwhereyoudoget acceptance,butdon’tlosesightofyourself,keepthathairlong.

-Daisy

DearDaisy,

IspendalotoftimewithaboyonmyteamandIthinkhemightbein love with me. We both love batting and making inside jokes about leavingcricketballsinsillyways.Heisagoodplayerandall,andweget on,butitfeelslikeheistryingveryhardtobelikeme,andIdon’tthinkI feelthesameway.HowcanItellhimpolitelythatIdon’twanttobe withhim?

Thanks, S.S

Unfortunately,S,itispossibletobebothgoodatcricketand annoying-infactmanywouldsaythatthetwomightbeinterlinked. Therewillcomeatimewhereyoumighthavetotellhimthathis intensityistoomuchforyou,andthatyouneedspaceora differentenergyinyourlife.Maybethatalsoringsabelltoasimilar situationyouandyourteamhaverecentlybeenthroughtoo?

-Daisy

DearDaisy, Howdoyoubeatateamthatwins23matchesinarow?askingfora friend.

Sincerely, H.KandH.K

DearHandalsoH.

AtoughquestionthatIdon’tthinkIhaveananswerto,andmaybe notmanyothersdoeither.WhatIwillsayis,allstreakscancometo anend,andinsport,themagiciswhenwhatwasajuggernaut comesunstuckatthehandsofteamthatbelievesinitselfandplays attheirfullpotential,therearefewthingsmoreemotional,butyou knowthisalready.Whileitmighttakealongertimetocompete withthemandbeatthemregularly-ifitisyouwinning,remember yoursuccessesandsavourthem.Itwillcomethough,they’velost beforeandthey’llloseagain,likeweallwill.

-Daisy Alex Mummery

little little jos jos buttler buttler

Jos Buttler is shorter than one wouldexpect.HowdoIknow?Well, *tokescigarette*Ionlyattempted to interview him after a Hundred gameatOldTrafford.

Attempted being the operative word.

AnynervesIhadaboutspeakingto thetaciturnEnglandcaptainfaceto-face (I’m a podcaster darling, I usually just send a Zoom link to these people’s agents) were quickly consumed by confusion: why is this cricketing Adonis, whose rear I admired so fervently from the 4th row of the party stand during the fourth Ashes Testin2019,shorterthanme?

Look, I can’t pretend I wasn’t delighted, proud even. I’m a white, British male, which makes me entitled to believe I should be at least 6ft, so considering I am as good as that (5ft 11.5 but we round up), it was infeasible to process this information. It was like showing up on a Hinge date withGod,whohadn’tliedabouthis

miraclesorinnovativecreationism, but just… wasn’t who you thought hewas.

After the Hundred match, the Lancashirepressliaisonofficerled meandtwootherjournalistsdown to pitch-side. KP’s there, and leaving his abhorrent views on most things aside, he’s every bit the handsome alpha I’d grown accustomed to idolising in my youthonTV.Heactually

superseded my expectations in both his height and aesthetic, but this wasn’t surprising: after working at BBC 5 Live for seven years, you find this is usually the casewithsportspeople.

We were asked if we’d be happy to speak to Jos as well as a South African hunk with arguably the best rig in cricket, Faf Du Plessis. Happy? Pharrell Williams couldn’t expressinsongformhowecstatic Iwas-thiswasmyfirstpitch-side experience in an official capacity and I’m about to ask questions about this silly sport to two of its pillar stones, both international captains.

Experienced sports journalist, Vithushan Ehantharajah, led the charge and me and matey boy from the local paper were happy to follow suit. Faf was fucking fit. Tall, but not intimidatingly so. Charming, charismatic, and unconventionally handsome. Boom, first interview’s in the can, and I evensnucksomequestionsin.

Jos is up next and he’s about a slip-cordon’s distance away. My depth perception isn’t the best, but his shoulders and presence suggested he was at least 6ft. Of course, his voice is to the contrary, and as he approached and his stature refused to grow. That mousy murmur whispered ‘heyguys’anditdawnedonme.

Jos Buttler, the best white ball batter in the world, my favourite player for Lancashire (when he bothers showing up) was… looking upatme.Sure,onlyatanangleof about 2/3 degrees, but I still felt likebloodybehemoth.

WhatJossaidtousthatdayison the record. It’s on the Murali End podcast, and you’ll hear me not ask a fucking question because I spent the majority of the Old Trafford pitch-side encounter processing, and ruminating, my internalmonologuescreaming‘ASK HIM WHY HE’S NOT 6 FT 3!’. I was RyanGoslingonthatgeniusSNL ‘Papyrus sketch’ (I’m not gonna explain it to you, go on YouTube nowifyou’venotalreadyseenit).

Lesson is, never meet your heroes… unless their name is Faf DuPlessis.

TommyStewart

A poet’s guide to the new code

On the first day of October 2022 the blue book I carry at the bottom of my gear bag became obsolete once again. Change is the law of life. Luckily, cricketers are nothing if not adaptable. From cloud cover to the colour of the pitch,weareusedtomakingourexternalcircumstances work for us. Cricket, like all sports, is an arbitrary set of rules, no more or less than the laws that govern it. There’s beauty in that. Confusion at times too. So here are the most significant changes that came into force in October,intheseventeen-syllableHaikuformat.

The same as before. The code just removes any crisis of conscience.

Deadball

Stray dogs and streakers. The random acts of others don’t alter fates here.

NoSaliva Covid changed the world but spit never really helped with swing anyway.

Judgingawide

A batter’s movement is consequential before the bowler’s last stride.

Battersreturningwhencaught New batter takes guard where the last one departed. Ashes to ashes.

Movingtherunningoutofthenon-striker Kim Fulton

sugar_rush_nails

A TALE OF TWO BATTERS

Here are some batting statistics for two Test cricketers in the summer of 2022. 13 innings, 7 matches, sameconditions.

RUNS:327

AVERAGE:25.15

S/R:55.23

50s:2

TOPSCORE:67

DUCKS:0

CAREER AVERAGE: 23.84 (10 MATCHES) .

Now,imagineyou’vegottopicka squad for winter tours. You’re offtoPakistanandNewZealand, bothplacescapableofproducing flat tracks that are a lot easier to bat on than green English wickets. Both perfect places for batters to get some runs and confidence,wherescoringquickly maybeneededtoforcearesult. Do you pick one, both, or neither of the batters above?

RUNS:276

AVERAGE:23.00

S/R:57.26

50s:2

TOPSCORE:69*

DUCKS:0

CAREER AVERAGE: 27.26 (28MATCHES)

Cricketers #1 and #2 are respectively, if you haven’t guessed by now, Alex Lees and Zak Crawley– the incumbent England openers at the end of the 2022 summer. Looking at theirstatistics,theyhadbasically the same summer and, whilst Crawley had the better average in his career overall, he had been given a much longer rope over his international career. Into the

CRICKETER#1 CRICKETER#2

winter,thattrendonlycontinued, with Crawley keeping his spot in England’s top order and Lees unceremoniouslydropped.

Evenafterputtingasidethefact that Rob Key, England Men’s Director of Cricket, was a mentortoCrawleyatKent,there is an obvious disparity between himandLees:theirbackgrounds.

Zak Crawley went to Tonbridge School, which boasts over £11.5k a term in fees. His dad, known as ‘Terry the Till’, made the Sunday Times Rich List as a trader in the City.

Alex Lees went to Holy Trinity Senior School (now Trinity Academy) in Halifax, his dad getting him into cricket through local clubs. In fact, Lees’ school was academised when he was 17 due to poor performance in inspections, so one can only guess that it was not offering a similar level of education to a fee-payingschool.

Crawley’s school was also Ed Smith’s – who was National Selector when Crawley debuted – alma mater. Smith was also SelectorforSamBillings’debut,a fellowKentplayerwhojumpedto Crawley’s defence on Twitter when people suggested that his background could be helping his

cricketcareerprogress.

Alotofpieceshavebeenwritten about how cricket has been made the pursuit of private schools and not state schools: the selling off of land, the time and expenses required. However, what is maybe not discussed as much is that simply having your face‘fit’isequallyasbeneficialto your career as the private education that shaped it. Would Crawley have benefitted as muchifhedidn’thaveassociation through his upbringing with a formerEnglandNationalSelector and the Current Director of Cricket?

8 of the 15 England Men’s squad picked for the NZ tests went to private schools, over 50%, compared to 7% of the country. The current England men’s NationalSelectorandDirectorof Cricket both attended private schools at one point or another during their education. It’s the culture and the norm in elite cricketinEngland.

Cricket in England has a deepseated and worsening issue with class, one which requires a twofold solution. Money needs to be spentatthebottomofthegame to make it so every single child hasequalaccessandopportunity tocricket.

“That makes total sense and I havesomestrongviewsonit!!”

Several days after meeting up with Stevie Eskinazi at Lord’s to talkcricketforacoupleofhours,I sent him some extra questions and got the ideal response. As a fan, it’s very rare to feel like you know what a player thinks about almost anything. Given cricket’s track record on outspoken players, you might think to yourself that’s not such a bad thing-maybeit’sbestnottoknow - but fortunately for us Stevie is not just happy to share his opinions on topics that we care about, but is also, in my very professionalopinion,soundashell.

“I probably represent the bogstandardcountycricketplayer.It would be cool for people to know we’reinterestedinmorethanjust ourselves and cricket. And for people who are thinking that everyone in the inner sanctum of thegameisjusthappywithhaving their own group of people,very similar to themselves, to know that it’s particularly not the attitudeoftheplayers.Iknowthe people that I play with, and the club, and that’s actually everything that we don’t want to be.”

Middlesex and beyond. He volunteered himself for the club’s Equality, Diversity, and Inclusion committee last year, and sees players as having a pivotal role in influencingtheapproachto change:

“As professional players we are at the forefront of people’s minds,wehavea certainfollowing

It’sapparentthatSteviesincerely wantstomakeadifferenceat

and I think we have a certain obligationtoshowthat,notonlyis cricket somewhere people can go and feel safe and enjoy themselves, but there’s a clear pathwayforanybodywhodesires to take their game to the next levelandpushtomakeittheirjobandthattheyfeelliketheywillbe valued for their ability. That comes from the way we treat people, but alsofrom how we act in interviews and the words and languageweusetoshowthatwe are part of the solution. We have anopportunityasyoungpeopleto get on the front foot, and I just think:“whythefucknot?””

His home ground of Lord’s is a particularly alienating venue, the kind local young people might come to for a match and think “this isn’t the place for me”. The demographicmakeupoftheteam or the crowds don’t correspond tothatoftheareathatMiddlesex is supposed to represent, wherethe team visit local schools tointroducekidstocricket.

“Ithinkclassisprobablythemost significant barrier to participation. It’s an expensive sport to take up, there are high barrierstoentrywhetherthatbe club costs, equipment costs, even making nets or making a cricket pitch.It’salsogivingupaminimum offiveorsixhours,whichalotof familiesdon’thave.It’salotof

timeandmoneytopursueasport whereyoumaynotfeelyoufitinwe have a real responsibility to make it worth it. You can’t just pick up a cricket ball and go and play, and that’s something that’s reallydisappointing."

Middlesex are making efforts to improve their community outreach, but some logistical barriers are difficult: in the builtup inner city, schools can’t pop to a local cricket club to use the facilities and kit for a PE lesson, andthere’slittlespaceinwhichto play even if the interest is there.Talent, enthusiasm and the willingness to work hard all count for a lot, but for a working-class Londoner you’ve fallen behind before you’ve even looked at a cricket ball. It’s no surprise that talented kids end up choosing to pursuesportslikefootballinstead - kits are cheap, and it can be practisedalmostanywhere.

“The game in generalneedsto be willing to listen to the storiesofpeople who have felt undervalued.”

Stevie sees changing dressing room culture as a key part of improving inclusion, and his responsibility as a senior player. It’s a more nuanced task than a wholesale elimination of “banter” (say the word three times in the mirrorandJustinLangerappears with a pack of Uno cards). In a sport that’s still dominated by white, privately-educated men, manyofwhomdon’thaveaworld of experience with people different from themselves, real empathy is key - not just knowing where the line is, but understanding why that’s where itis.

“We need to understand how some people might find some things uncomfortable and be critically aware of that, rather than just saying “ah well, what happens in a dressing room stays in a dressing room”. I really hope that I can help leave behind a feelingthatanyonecanwalkinat any given time and feel comfortable, and nobody’s going to be worried about how certain people might treat them. I hope that if I were to say something that wasn’t respectful I would be pulled up on it, and the same for others.

treat someone who is different fromtheminsomeway,Isayhave the weird conversation up frontask people “how do you want to be treated, what are you up for, what do you not want to be part of” and then go from there. People will shy away from it because it’s awkward, and it means addressing the difference headon,butifyoudon’tdoitthen you’re just going to be weird all the time, and that’s what makes peoplefeelexcluded.

“The game in general needs to be willing to listen to the stories of peoplewhohavefeltundervalued. Then you can ask the right questions and hopefully then be a little more targeted in the way that you try to help. As players andprofessionalteams,youdoas muchasyoupossiblycantomake sure that there’s a really broad level of understanding of every background, of every person’s situation, so that if somebody weretoenteryourdressingroom, you could be really understanding andvaluethemasanequal,whichi think is all that anyone really wantscomingin.”

This attitude carries through to the cricket pitch, and he prefers English cricket over the “oldschool, bullish and brash” Australianversionforthisreason:

“Whenpeoplearen’tsurehowto

✿✿✿✿✿

“The players aren’t, they are amazing people, but the whole culture of Australian cricket is still stuck a little bit in the 90s. They think making people uncomfortable is the way they need to win, and boys, it just isn’t that way anymore. No-one’s scared of that attitude, it never makes the other guy play worse. InEnglanditfeelslikeit’sjustnota thing anymore - or we play so much against each other that everyone’s really friendly, on the county circuit especially. Doesn’t mean you’re not competitive, doesn’t mean you’re not trying to get them out or beat them, but you don’t have to be a dick to themanymore.”

✿✿✿✿✿

Having been overlooked in the 2021 and 2022 drafts for The Hundred, Stevie’s time has come this year, being picked up to join the freshly-revamped Welsh Hula Hoops team after watching London Spirit from the wings at Lord’sfortwoyears:

“I’m so excited because it is designed to be super accessible, to grow the women’s game, to make people want to come and watch cricket who never felt like they could before. And it looks so much fun. We [Middlesex] played 50overcricketatthetime,with

maybe200fansatanoutground, whichcanberomanticifit’sanice day,butthenyoucomebackhere in the evening, watch the game and think ‘that looks really fun, andtheseguysareherewithabig crowd, in a colourful kit, with a coolDJ."

We talk about how franchise cricket has been fundamentally disruptivenotonlyonastructural level but on an ideological one, allowing players to assert themselves as workers and challenge traditional ideas about loyalty:

“While we like to think of cricket as this romantic industry where loyalty is really high and people play for pride, for their county or their country … what can sometimes get lost is that there are families who depend on us, and you’re trying to create a senseofsecurityforyouandyour family. If you speak to anyone in “normal jobs” and said you can work for 40% less time and earn three times as much money, it’s a no-brainer, but when it comes to cricket, people say “you can’t not play for Surrey or Sussex and go and play in the IPL, it’s not what you do” - and it’s like, would you likesomeonetoturndown£200K that when they’ve finished their already short career is going to helpstabilisetheirfutureand

theirfamily?”

Recent events have highlighted a shiftinpowerdynamicsincricket with the opportunities provided by franchise teams. Dane van Niekerk was controversially dropped from the South Africa Women’s World Cup team due to failing a portion of the fitness test, despite being arguably their most valuable player. She spoke about how she was confused and alienated by the decision, that she didn’t feel valued by Cricket South Africa anymore. Weeks later, she retired from internationalcricket.

opportunities surely made it easier to quit the South Africa team-somethingthatwouldhave been much harder for (particularly female) cricketers just a few years ago. They undeniably afford players at that levelagreaterfreedomofchoice in their careers, and a bargaining chipiftheyareunhappywiththeir treatment.

No matter how much people argue about it, the landscape of cricket is permanently changing, andcountiesandtheECBfacethe challengeofchangingalongwithit toretainplayers-anditmightnot beabattletheycanwin:

With places in Royal Challengers Bangalore and Oval Invincibles’ squads, van Niekerk can continue to make her living playing cricket, and through that hopes to find herloveforthesportagain.These

“The first thing is: it’s really the responsibility of the game and teams to create an environment that people love to play in, feel challenged and want to be there. The second thing isunfortunately,wedon’tliketosay it - money. Salaries have to stay competitive in the market becausefundamentallyit’sajob,a short-term one that people can now make really strong livings from. If it’s going to effectively cost you earnings to go and play for England for a long period of time, it’s probably going to be somethingpeopledolessandless. Franchise cricket allows you to develop your game, to go and traveltheworld,tomakelotsof

“We like to thinkofcricket asthisromantic industry…what can sometimes getlostisthat there are families who dependonus.”

money…Idon’tseeanythingabout those things that isn’t going to drag a whole heap of players to go and want to be a part of them.”

Thethemethatkeepscomingupis money. When we talk about lack of diversity in cricket, when we talkabouttheclassdivide,money is front and centre - whether that’sthecostofplaying,thecost of attending, or the competitiveness of players’ salaries. Anyone who is serious aboutimprovingdiversityinthe game needs to know that they’re trying to bring in more people for whom money is a constant concern in life, rather than a constant presence. We feel confident in saying that Stevie gets it - and we’re glad to know he’s there behind the scenes tryingtoaffectchange.

“I’ve been very lucky, so I would love for more people to feel the way I have. If the team did well that’dbeanicethingforpeopleto rememberyouby,itwouldalsobe nice to leave the game knowing that diversity at Middlesex is in a betterplacethanwhenIstarted.”

We’re looking forward to seeing whatStevieachievesbothonand off the pitch. Regardless, he’s a DaisyGirlforlife.

Read the full version of Ildikó's chat withStevieon thezineblog!

QUICK-FIRE Q&A

WITHSTEVIE ESKINAZI

Name another cricketer with Daisyenergy...

Whoisthebest batter you reckon you couldbowlout?

batter you

Name “Max Holden - a pretty boy on the surface but very sharp underneath.”

Worst player Worst

“MarkStoneman, he’s left handed and I like bowling off spin [pretty bold choice here Stevie].”

“Best-saltandvinegar Worst-bbqbeef.”

Asabrand newWelsh Hula Hoop player, what are the best and worst Hula Hoop flavours?

Who

Who is your first pick on MarioKart?

“DonkeyKong-isthat therightgorilla?Yeah DonkeyKongIthink.”

What’s your gotokaraokesong?

What’s your go[Answered without asecond’sthought]

“Angels - Robbie Williams.”

way of

Favourite way of cooking eggs?

“I learned to poach eggs properly during lockdown, and it really impresses peoplewhocan’tdoit”[as someone who can’t poach eggs,thisiscorrect].

NOBLE CRICKET MASCOTS

TheVitalityBlastMascotRace.Afixtureonanytrue

fan’s

calendar.

But is this a true test of the mettle of a mascot? I would argue, no. The true test of a mascot is how noble they are. Canamascotstandtoetotoe withaproperbinman,anodds andsodsman,oralollipoplady and hold their head up high? In this essay I will answer this questiononceandforall.

Accordingtonotedweightsand measurements website of record “weight of stuff’, the combined 600lb might of CarmenBear(it’sacheesepun) andHughBear(it’snotacheese pun), the bears from Birmingham Bears, is equal to that of a baby grand piano, a fully stocked vending machine, ortwofairlysmallbrownbears.

According to the Cricketers Trust Finals Day mascot Twitter thread, (The Bible for mascot-related stats) as being into amateur dramatics and karaoke-twothingsI’msurewe can all agree are basically just showing off. That being said, largethingsgenerallyarequite noble, with the exception, of course,ofRichardOsman,and therefore we will start with a nobility score of 7/10- a solid start for two solid mascotsalbeit ones you wouldn’t want tospendmorethan10minutes with at a party. Caesar of Surrey fame is another bear (editor’s note: Caesar is a lion, we don’t know where he got thisfrom),butwithoutacheese themedpunforaname;

cricket

sporting

A clash of titans, 18 mascotsstart,onlyonecanbevictorious.

he cannot be given a score of morethan2/10.

TheaverageT20cricketmatch lasts around 3 hours, meaning that Freddie The Falcon, a 13 year old Falcon, is in breach of childlabourlawseverytimehe steps on to the field. Children did make excellent chimney sweeps, this is a fact, but it is 2023 and various factors outside of my control mean that this is no longer deemed acceptable. Nobility scoreexempt. Hawky the Hampshire Hawk also sadly meets this same fate, as a 2 year-old cruellytakenfromhismother’s nest and forced to entertain cricket fans; as does Nile The Crocodile from Worcester Rapids,whoisonly8.

Eagles can be majestic and golden, but they can also be bald. Does this limit their nobility score? Yes. Essex’s mascots are called Ellie The Eagle and Eddie The Eagle, which as well as being uninspiring, also infringes on a number of copyrights now owned by 20th Century Fox. 2/10.Theonlytruenobledragon for me is the late, great and sorelymissedHilaryDevey,and with that in mind Morgan the Dragon from Glamorgan, can .

only be described as incredibly ignoble-althoughthestatistics saythatMorganis1000years old, which I’m sure we can all agree is commendable. 3/10.

Somerset’s Stumpy The Dragon, not to be confused with Stumpy - one half of the mascot team of Willow and Stumpy on Cricket AM (whoooooooo remembers) - is another cricketing dragon mascot, but loses a nobility point for not even wearing a cricketshirt-sortitoutmate. 2/10.

Menindungarees,questionable facialhair,Idles.MentionBristol and the word ‘noble’ does not instantly spring to mind. One man, however, is trying to change that: enter, Alfred The Gorilla. Standing at an astonishing 7ft4, this guy is wasted as a cricket mascot, butstickatitandI’msureone day the phone call will come from the big man brother, Mr Vincent Kennedy McMahon. Untilhegetsadeservedrunin theWWE,Alfredscoresavery solid 8/10 for nobility, based almostentirelyonthefactthat despite being 92 he could batter every single other mascot- with the exception perhaps of Yorkshire’s ‘Vinny The Viking’- a main event fight .

thatcouldgraceanywrestling ring across the world. Vinny is clearly noble, but loses points for being from Yorkshire6.5/10.

Another vertically-gifted mascotisCharlieTheFox,who standsatanimpressive7fttall. The nobility of foxes can be argued long into the night, but this fox explicitly names his sporting hero as David Gower which, as a 19 year old fox, is loserbehaviour.4/10

KentusedtohaveaSpitfireas theirmascot,perhapsthemost noble death machine ever created. Now they are a pale imitation of themselves with two frankly pathetic horse mascots named Victa and Victoria. I cannot even dignify these two lowlifes with a rating. The same goes for Sandy and Sid the Shark. Both of these mascots look insane, and serious animal welfare issues must be raised for Sussex County Cricket Club keepingthesecreaturesondry land.

noble? Kurt Angle won an Olympic Gold Medal with a broken neck, if that same fate happened to a giraffe it would almost certainly be forced to crossovertherainbowbridge. Obvious cervical spine issues notwithstanding, you cannot arguethatLankyisnotagreat servanttothesportofcricket. 7/10

Steeler, of Northants

Steelbacksfame,isa144year old dog which, in dog years, is veryveryold.Healsoallegedly foughtinawar.4/10.

Grey squirrels are generally (andrightly)consideredvermin. Thank God then, that beloved Nottinghamshire mascot Nuts

The Squirrel is a noble red squirrel.Theanti-nutculturein this country is why we now have a Twix in a tin of Celebrations rather than the humbleTopic.Withthisinmind we have to stick by our wonderfulredsquirrels:7.5/10.

LankyTheGiraffewalksaround like he owns the place, and he wouldbecorrectinhisthinking. Undoubtedlythetopdogofthe mascotworld.Butaregiraffes .

The naysayers (I do not mean horses, as mentioned before I have nothing but disgust for Victa and Victoria from Kent) would perhaps say that it is impossible to write over a thousandwordsonasubjectas arbitraryasmascotsinasport .

youhaven’treallywatchedsince you were 14 years old. What I would say to them is, you have notmetamanwithasmuchfree time as me. In conclusion, many ofthemascotscanproudlylook inthemirrorandsaythat–yes,I amanoblebeing.Manycannot.

Cricket’s main challenge in future will be to try and bridge thisgap.BringbacktheSpitfire forKent,replacetheHampshire Hawk with an ice cream man whosellssinglecigarettesonthe side, and ditch Freddie the Falcon in favour of something the young fans of Derbyshire canreallylookupto-amanina costume pretending to be a steeplejack.

Stephenson

Joe

Editor’s note: Chester and River the lions and Pinky the panther were omitted from this piece due to the author’s pathological hatred of big cats. We can onlyapologisetothecountiesofDurhamandMiddlesex.

LUV CRICKET, 'ATE SURREY ATE

The home countiest of all the home counties, Surrey is famous for its gorgeous country homes, rolling hills, and capacity to contain all the nation’s worst bellends in one convenient location. Their cricket club, aptly, is so flush with cash that they can’tgoaweekwithoutmakinga signing, and every evening during Blast season Ralph Lauren and gilet clad bussinesspeople flock from the city to Kennington to babble incoherently through 6-12 pintswhilstcrickethappensinthe background.

So Surrey is terrible, and the cricketclubisterrible.Sowhat?

Well, because they’ve got all the money,theyalsohaveallthejobs. Cricketfansfromthenorth,east, southandwestmovetoLondonin search of better lives, often exilingthemselvesfromtheirlocal clubs. There are options to scratch the leather-on-willow itch. One is Middlesex, playing at the home of cricket will cost you £20 per day of county championship cricket if you haven't got *checks notes* 29 years to wait for an MCC membership. The other is… well, Surrey.

Despite all the terrible people, places,organisationsandI’msure evenanimalsthatfindthemselves inSurrey,thecricketclubactually hasalotgoingforit.TheOvalisa lovely ground, accessible and pretty, despite some of its clientele.Thecostofmembership is pretty cheap, especially as a young’un (cheeky price hikes for 26-year-olds notwithstanding), andyougetalotofbangforthat buck. As a result, those exiled fans,stuckbetweenarockanda poshplace,traipsetoKennington intheirdozenstogettheirfixof this silly, silly game, and to cheer on whomever is playing against the team in maroon that given day.

But no longer does this experience need to be dourintroducing Surrey Haters With Memberships! Banding together under the flag of hatred, fans of all17othercountiescancheeron theoppositioninoneproudvoice. Avoicethatwillnotbendtheknee tothecash-splashing,commutertown-having, 85k-a-year-isn’tactually-a-lot-after-tax-thinking outfit. We look forward to you joiningus,admissionisfree.

Sean Williams

email your guesses to daisycutterzine@gmail.com because we had absolutely no idea daisycutterzine@gmail.com WHO IS THIS?

CRICKET DAVE ENTERS THEMULTIVERSE

Well,thankstothe tirelessworkoftheMCC members…

Thisiswonderful!Iamdelightedforthe playerswhoworkedsohardforthis.

Cricketissafefromthemarxists foranotheryear…Etonshall playHarrowafterall

Why aren’t you happy CricketDave?

CricketDave…areyoufamiliarwithmultiversetheory?

Realityisnotlimitedtothe constraintsoftheobserved universe,butinsteadoneof manyquantumrealities scatteredacrossinﬁnite paralleluniverseswith everypossibleoutcomeof everypossiblecombination ofeventsexists.WhatifI toldyouIhaveadevice fortravellingthe multiverse?

Wecan gotoa universe whereEtonvs Harrowisthe biggestcricket matchofthe season…

Traditionizimportant.

Igrowwearyoftheﬁght…yeswehavestavedoﬀtheslingsand arrowsofwokeryfornow,butadaywillcomewhenthecourage ofmenfails,whenweforsakeourfriendsandthetoiletsatLord’s aremadegenderneutral…andIfearwewillfailtoSAVE CRICKET…Iwishforrespitefromthiscruelworld,IwishIcould traveltoabetterone,whereIcansimplyenjoythisgamewhichI hate.