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Friday january 10, 2014 vol. cxxxvii no. 124

HAVEN HAVOC { www.dailyprincetonian.com }

Christie blocks entrance to Hoagie Haven as political retribution

SENOR SANCHEZ :: SENIOR PHAT LADY

The George Washington Bridge is not the only thing to have been clogged by possible orders of Governor Chris Christie. The entrance to Hoagie Haven and Chris Christie’s arteries have soon followed.

By Anastasya Lloyd-Damnjanovic actually serbian

Drunk Princeton students were outraged early Friday morning when, after stumbling over to Hoagie Haven, they found the entrance blocked

by New Jersey Governor and ex-officio University trustee Chris Christie.

Witnesses who begged Christie to move aside from the entrance for 10 minutes said that during that time, he ate three full Dirty Sanchezes, two Body Bags and one Phat Lady, and was yelling at the counter ordering more.

“It’s almost like he was trying to eat all the hoagies they had,” Stan Sokolich ’16 said.

Emails between Christie’s top aides and Hoagie Haven’s owners obtained by The Daily Princetonian indicated that this was, in fact, exactly what Christie was trying to do. The plan to deprive Princeton students of their drunchies

was conceived by Christie’s staff to retaliate against the Princeton community for its overwhelming support of unsuccessful democratic challenger Barbara Buono in the Nov. 4, 2013 gubernatorial election.

“Time for some hunger problems in Princeton,” Christie’s deputy chief-of-staff Bridget Anne Kelly wrote in an email message to Hoagie Haven co-owner Mosta Caltabes, forwarding a ‘Prince’ article reporting that Buono outraised Christie 4:1 among University employees.

When Maltabes protested, saying he “felt bad for the students,” Kelly responded, “They’re students of Buono donors.”

Confronted by ‘Prince’ reporters on the scene, Christie denied all involvement in the scandal, blaming the incident on his staff as he wolfed down his fourth Sanchez.

“I am outraged and deeply saddened to learn that not only have I eaten seven full Hoagie

YOOOO COME 2 A&T IT’S BUMPIN’ WE BROUGHT OUR OWN BOOZE

“Time for some hunger problems in Princeton.”

Bridget Anne Kelly

deputy chief of hoagies

Haven sandwiches tonight, but that my hoagie binge was complicit in my staff’s completely inappropriate and unsanctioned scheme that was devised without my knowledge,” a reporter thinks Christie said, though his mouth was full and he was hard to understand.

“Now what are you all still doing here? Get the hell outta my state! You!” Christie said, pointing at Sokolich, the sophomore. “Where are you from? New York? California? Serbia? Carpetbaggers! All of you! Why are you still here? Get the hell outta Jersey! You’re not #JerseyStrong. Do you know who I am? Do you know who I am? I’m the fucking Governor.”

Dejected, the drunk students began to migrate en masse toward the Wa. “Yeah, that’s right, keep walking, keep walking,” Christie screamed after them while chewing on a Mexicano.

YES, I WENT THERE

Arts and Transit neighborhood goes BYOB Eisgruber assigns Class of 2018 to read “Marry Smart,” book by Patton ’77

By Lenin Stolichnaya bringer of booze

Students who slog between campus and the Soviet-style wood structure of the temporary Dinky station in the bitter cold will have to pack a bottle if they want to drown their sorrows. The restaurant and cafe set to open in the Arts and Transit Neighborhood will operate under a strict bring-yourown-beverage alcohol policy.

The state’s rejection of the University’s application for a liquor license is the latest in a series of rejecions University officials have faced in their sixyear struggle to realize their vision for the Arts and Transit Neighborhood.

“We can’t have intoxicated people stumbling all 460 feet back to the train station totally plastered,” Alcoholic Beverage Control Licensing Bureau officials stated in a press release

Entire Class of 2016 joins Terrace p. 3

announcing the decision. “The legal stumbling limit is however wide Washington Road is.”

University officials expressed their disappointment and stubbornly insisted on the project’s success nonetheless.

“Our aim for this project is to unite the campus and the community, to help them both flourish by complementing each other, just like the six and nine in 69,” University Vice See BOOZE page 3

By Someone’s Humiliating Mom an imprint of the prince

Continuing the tradition of teaching incoming freshmen early on how to ignore their assigned reading, University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 has assigned all members of the class of 2018 to read “Marry

Future bonfires will not include wood p. 2

Smart: Advice for Finding the Right One at the Right Time” by Susan Patton ’77 before matriculating.

“Patton’s manifesto offers an important lesson to women in the Class of 2018, at a crucial juncture in their lives,” Eisgruber explained in announcing the secondannual ‘pre-read.’ “This is

their last chance to land a man and create generations of future donors. Miss it, and they’ll become the next generation of those leaningin, man-hating harpies who make their intellectually inferior husbands be the primary caretaker of their bratty children.”

See BETROTHAL page 3

Ivy gastro outbreak traced to influx of commoners

p. 2

This is The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Never trust the news.

The Daily Princetonian

page 2

Friday january 10, 2014

POLITICAL CORRECTNESS

PA S S E S P R E V E N T G A S T R O

Celebratory bonfires will not include wood in future years

Ivy blames gastroentritis outbreak on infestation of commoners

By Unpro Blematic social justice warrior

Following anonymous complaints by unidentified students, future celebratory bonfires will not include wood, USG president Shawon Jackson ’15 announced in an email Friday.

“Though we understand that, in the past, it was common to use wood when making a fire, we believe that the Bonfire is something which should be a source of pride to the whole community,” Jackson said.

Bonfires are traditionally held on Cannon Green to celebrate the football team’s defeats of both Harvard and Yale in the same season.

There is no account of a fire being made without the use of wood, but the USG says it is confident that it can find an alternative that no one will find objectionable.

“Burning wood is a very loaded activity and image in the context of American and world history,” Class of 2014 president Luchi Mmegwa said. “Some members of the community have gone as far as calling it ‘barbaric.’”

Indeed, members of the history department confirmed that many barbarians were known to burn wood. Though wood-burning is a common occurrence in many American households, some students point

BARBARIAN :: OFFENDED BY BONFIRE

A bonfire burns bright, unhampered by the negative stigma of wood.

out that it has been practiced in the past by such objectionable figures as Genghis Khan, Joseph Stalin and, in all likelihood, the Roman emperor Caligula.

At press time, the USG had not announced what would be burned in place of wood, though that may be the least of its worries: Sources have confirmed that a small but vocal group of students also objects to

the Bonfire’s extensive use of fire, which has played a role in such objectionable events as the Great Fire of London.

A smaller, more vocal group of students also objected to the use of ‘bon,’ which means ‘good’ in French, the language spoken in France, a nation which once guillotined its own citizens and held several colonies in West Africa.

BUDDHISM

Sanghvi to advise HamiltonChandler on future path

By Daniel Day executive university spokesperson

Director of Career Services Beverly Hamilton-Chandler will seek advice from Executive Director of Career Services Pulin Sanghvi as she prepares to find the right “path.”

“My time at Princeton has been extraordinary, and I’m thrilled Pulin has agreed to help me pursue my passion in the Arts, Nonprofits and the Public Sector,” Hamilton-Chandler may have said if she had ever agreed to an interview with The Daily Princetonian.

Career Services’ lone coun-

JAMES Q. GRIFFIN :: NATURAL ARISTOCRAT

Members of Ivy must call in a bevy of exterminators. The spread of commoners is just too virulent.

selor dedicated exclusively to the Arts, Nonprofits and the Public Sector is perfectly suited to accommodate Hamilton-Chandler’s interest in that obscure field, Sanghvi said.

“There seem to be more and more Princeton students interested in Arts, Nonprofit and the Public Sector, which is why I’ve shifted the focus of Career Services away from finding students a job and toward finding them a ‘path,’ ” Sanghvi said.

“If Beverly had wanted a job, we would’ve had no choice but to point her to the array of TigerTracks postings, in-

SPY IN THE RYE

formation sessions, personal emails, networking sessions, eating clubs, and Nassau Inn cocktail hours where our students hear about finding gainful employment in finance and consulting,” Sanghvi added.

“Finding students a path is easier. We just point her to Abbey,” he said, referring to Abigail Racelis, the Career Services liaison to the arts, nonprofits and public sector.

Sanghvi added that he is working with Outdoor Action director Rick Curtis to develop resources for students seeking paths through the woods.

By Just A. Commoner gastrotracker

The recent gastroenteritis outbreak at Ivy Club — which forced close to a dozen members to share a health facility frequented by thousands of other students — was caused by too many people sitting, walking and hanging out on the streets just outside the club.

Ivy President Thatcher F. Foster ’14 said that an independent inquiry into the outbreak had concluded that normal people coming into close range with members had caused the outbreak. He also questioned the validity of a local health department investigation because, he said, the inspectors were also common people.

Foster is a member of the natural aristocracy, a category applied to all Ivy members.

The Centers for Disease Control is working on importing an unapproved vaccine from the United Kingdom that has seen positive results in preventing gastroenteritis in the royal family.

Foster ’14 added that The Daily Princetonian reporters stationed outside the club trying to cover the outbreak had only made the situation worse. He argued that since the reporters were also common people, their presence had upset the members’ stomachs. “[The gastroenteritis is] not an Ivy-specific problem and I really don’t appreciate that you’ve taken this route and gone to Ivy

and tried to, you know, sit outside Ivy ... I think this is completely unfair and ridiculous and that’s about it,” Foster said, notably upset.

A six-month follow up investigation involving multiple undercover reporters wearing clean room suits, however, has uncovered that the underlying problem is that Ivy members dislike people.

“I really don’t appreciate or respect that you have people snooping around my club, our club, asking people what’s going on,” Foster said in a voice mail. “I mean, that’s really low, unprofessional and just plain stupid and invasive.”

Foster declined to engage in an actual phone conversation, citing potential health risks.

News & Notes ‘Prince’ website sets record with three consecutive days online the daily princetonian’s website, www.dailyprincetonian.com, has remained online without crashing for 74 straight hours, setting a sixmonth record and prompting some ‘Prince’ editors to speculate that the so-called ‘Curse of Patton’ has finally been broken.

“The most recent no-crash streak is indicative of our commitment to becoming a

true 24/7 news organization,” Editor-in-Chief Luc Cohen ’14 said, while lighting candles in a shrine in the newsroom with a voodoo representation of Susan Patton ’77 in the center.

On March 29, when Patton’s viral Letter to the Editor was published, the ‘Prince’ website crashed and disappeared from the Internet for nine days.

Cohen said at the time that the notion that Patton’s letter contributed to the crash was a

“possibility” but that editors had “not definitively identified” the cause of the crash.

According to a ‘Prince’ Managing Editor who asked to be identified solely by her title, Cohen requires ‘Prince’ editors to make weekly sacrifices of valuable items to the shrine in order to keep the website up and running. Past sacrifices reportedly include full Fresca bottles, a rare hard copy of a ‘Prince’ issue from 1895, journalistic integrity and the Prox.

M O N O C O L E I S W AT C H I N G Y O U

Snowden revealed as ‘Gunshots’ actually Salinger story leaker caused by hammer striking sickle

By C. Moore Glass

a torrent full of bowling balls

The November leak of a famous J.D. Salinger short story kept in Firestone Library was the work of former NSA contractor Edward Snowden, according to records obtained by The Daily Princetonian.

When asked his reason for the leak, he denounced Salinger as “a phony.”

The story, “The Ocean Full of Big Brass Balls,” which had a ‘Top Secret’ classification, appeared on the torrenters’ site whadafuq.cd. Using advanced encryption technology, Snowden uploaded a torrent file of the story to the site under the username sleazyleaker, according to records provided by a user of the site.

This anonymous source is in no way an illegal torrenter or a member of The Daily Princetonian.

“Salinger was such a phony! He’s hidden so much of his work from us. He claims to have whole novels that he never published. The world deserves to know what he’s hiding,” Snowden said in a statement released from his hideout in Russia. “I mean, WHERE DO THE DUCKS GO?”

The leak also brings to light the NSA’s extensive collection of 1950s literature suspected of Communist leanings.

“What people deserve to know is that the NSA actually formed in the 1950s to collect work by writers suspected of Communist sympathies. Nobody cared ‘cause they figured novelists deserve to be surveilled anyway — they’re always taking notes on us,” Snowden said.

“Salinger was dating Eugene O’Neill’s daughter until she dumped him for Charlie Chaplin, and Charlie Chaplin was a Communist. So that proves … something,” he added.

Snowden’s leak has been openly criticized by Yoko Ono, who noted that “The Catcher in the Rye” inspired Mark David Chapman to murder singer-songwriter John Lennon in 1980, whom Chapman described as one of the “phonies” despised by the novel’s hero Holden Caulfield.

Ono urged the Salinger estate to keep all of Salinger’s unpublished manuscripts hidden in their family home.

“Keep those dangerous books locked up where they belong,” Ono said. “Can’t a body catch a body coming through the rye?”

By Nuni Kagakura and Bolly Molten monoclers of the world unite

The gunshot-like sound prompting the 2013 Monoclist Revolution and eventual overthrow of University Czar Christopher Eisgruber ’83 was actually caused by the sound of a hammer hitting a sickle, an internal University investigation found.

“The reports of gunshots in Nassau Hall turned out to be false,” former University Spokesperson Martin Mbourgeois said, speaking from exile in a firehouse in Brooklyn, N.Y., where a woman was reportedly giving birth. “It is regretful that such ludicrous claims have caused the downfall of our once-great institution.”

Mbourgeois is an owner of the means of production.

According to the report, which cited Princeton Police Department records requested by The Daily Princetonian and intercepted by Minister of Truth Bob Durkee ’69, the gunshot sounds were made by a 63-year-old man hitting a hammer against a sickle in the Nas-

sau Hall lobby.

The man, who was wearing a monocle, admitted he is not an owner of the means of production, describing himself as a wage laborer and a member of the proletariat. He said that he felt alienated from the products of his work.

The man was removed from Nassau Hall by Okhrana officers and labeled a subversive, Mbourgeois said, adding that he was transported to a local labor camp for an unspecified period of time, where he will be put to work building the Arts & Transit Neighborhood.

But two students, Nuni Kagakura and Bolly Molten, heard the alleged gunshots and were inspired by the sight of the monocle-bearing man being forcibly removed from campus.

“We’d always considered the monocle a symbol of resistance to oppression and an expression of the labor class, and so we knew this incident was our call to rise up and institute a revolutionary wave,” Kagakura and Molten said in a joint statement.

Kagakura and Molten are also the co-writers of this piece of Monoclist propaganda.

NUNI KAKAGURA AND BOLLY MOLTEN :: MONOCLIST PROPAGANDA OFFICERS

The banging of a hammer against a sickle is attributed by police to gunshots, eventually resulting in a coup d’etat committed by the Monoclists.

The Daily Princetonian

Friday january 10, 2014

page 3

Underage drinkers pointed to NyQuil

N O K A P PA S

BOOZE

Continued from page 1

.............

PI CHART :: INNOVATIVE GRAPHIC

Sophomores will now have the dual privilege of receiving letter grades and joining Greek organizations. Pi Phis, by virtue of not drinking, will receive the highest letter grades.

U. bans freshman grade deflation, implements Greek letter system

By Persephone D. Freeman pi phis don’t drink

The University will institute a ban on freshman grade deflation and implement a new grading system beginning fall 2014, it announced yesterday. The announcement comes three months after University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 charged a faculty committee with reevaluating the policy, which limits the percentage of As given in each department to 35 percent.

Under the new system,

all students will take their classes pass/D/fail their freshman year. The current letter system will also be dropped.

Instead, students will receive Greek letter grades beginning sophomore year, with the top 35 percent of grades given in each department to be Pi Beta Phi. The next 35 percent will be awarded Kappa Alpha Theta and the bottom 30 percent receives the failing grade of Kappa Kappa Gamma.

“The consensus was that students were creating selfselected social groups based on problem set and paper

grades,” Eisgruber read off a piece of paper passed to him by presidential speechwriter Eric Quinones. “Princeton prides itself on its intellectual diversity, and that includes the rich academic discourse between A-students and Cstudents. But how can they talk if they just sort themselves immediately freshman year?”

“When I got my first — and only — C in freshman year physics, I was shunned for light years,” Eisgruber said. “I eventually redeemed myself, joining Dial Lodge, but that

C plagued me all the way till sophomore year. It was the reason I got hosed from Ivy — they thought I wasn’t smart enough to join the natural aristocracy.”

Not a single Dial Lodge alumnus confirmed Eisgruber’s membership in the club.

Those interviewed claimed they had no idea who he was.

Eisgruber noted the change to the Greek grading system will provide a “fresh start” and free students from the stigma of grades that are not As. “I’m definitely in favor of the ban,” Elle Woods ’17 said.

“I tried to join a ECO 101 study group this semester, but they wouldn’t let me study with them because I only got a 13/15 on my last problem set. I even brought muffins in a pretty basket, but they just said I would slow them down.” She said the rest of the group had gotten 14/15 on the problem set.

The University also plans to replace digital and paper transcripts. Grades will now be given in the form of gold pins or embroidered on Vineyard Vines canvas totes, which students may attach to graduate school or job applications.

President and Secretary Robert Durkee ’69 said. “We thought, ‘What better way to bring together students, faculty, friendly townies and ornery administrators like me than over a round of shots?’ Thanks to the state, now we’ll have to haul the vodka there ourselves.”

Determined to see the project succeed, University Community and Regional Affairs Director Kristin Appelget announced that both ATN dining establishments would be amply stocked with orange juice, cranberry juice and Sprite.

“The University will be providing unlimited vodka shots to guests at our Arts and Transit launch party,” Appelget explained. “I personally will haul 60 cases of Grey Goose all the long, long, long way to our majestic, elegant temporary station for the festivities.”

Public Safety officers will be on hand at the party to ensure that no minors obtain alcohol.

Appelget encouraged those under the legal drinking age to purchase NyQuil from campus retail locations to participate in the BYOB practice.

Despite the offers of free booze and Tiger Transit shuttle rides home for the inebriated, opponents of the Arts and Transit Neighborhood declared their intention to boycott the University’s launch party.

“We are never ever ever getting back together [with the University],” Anita Garoniak, founder of local citizens’ group Save the Dinky, said. “This is exactly what the Soviets did: they gave away vodka for free to pacify the people.”

TO O C H I L L FO R C A PA C I T Y

Entire Class of 2016 joins Terrace

By Your Mother come fertilize the womb

PREACHER ON THE STREET :: GOD’S ENVOY

Eager students mob Terrace F. Club. Students, after discovering their inner alternative, eschewed bicker.

All 1,346 members of the Class of 2016 signed into Terrace F. Club in the first round of eating club sign-ins, Terrace president Chris St. John ’15 confirmed.

“This was not a computer glitch or some shit,” St. John said. “Everyone wanted to fucking join. Shit.”

When asked whether admission to his club had been capped, or whether the club would utilize a waitlist, St. John blew a cloud of smoke into a reporter’s face.* It was the club’s unique ethos, encapsulated in its slogan “FOOD=LOVE,” that attracted the entire sophomore

class, multiple sophomores independently confirmed.

“At T.I., food equals hot dogs, and at Ivy it equals gastroenteritis, so …” Jack Rader ’16, a hockey player who just signed into Terrace, said.

Annie Johnson ’16, a member of the Pi Beta Phi sorority who said she had previously planned to join her sisters in Ivy Club, said she was “definitely in it for the live music.”

“I just felt like I was more alternative than most of Princeton, you know?” Johnson said. “I wanted a place where I could, like, really belong.”

Johnson said she settled on Terrace during Lawnparties, when she observed that, while the rest of campus wore prep-

py clothing on purpose, Terrace members wore it “ironically.”

“Terrans are just more real than everyone else, you know?” Johnson said. “Reading Thought Catalog and doing an African American studies certificate has really opened my eyes to the ways the eating club system is problematic. How could I think about a club as problematic as Ivy? How could I bicker?” * St. John asked The Daily Princetonian to clarify that it was cold outside, and the smoke he blew in a reporter’s face was simply the kind of smoke that appears when you breathe outside in cold weather.

Entering freshmen have trouble Honor Committee launches sting finding marriage guide by Patton ’77 CONSPIRACY THEORIES

By Big Poppa senior pimp

The Committee on Discipline has been running an undercover sting operation since the beginning of the 2013-2014 academic year to identify cheaters, Committee on Discipline Chair Kathleen Deignan announced Wednesday.

Undergraduates unaffiliated with the Committee on Discipline were asked to go undercover to sniff out cheaters. If an informant identifies a convicted cheater, he or she will receive an enviable reward: Not having to write a senior thesis.

The impetus for the sting operation came from the Great Harvard Cheat of 2012, Deignan said.

Administrators said they hope the University’s peer institutions will institute similar operations, just as they did when former Dean of College Nancy Malkiel instituted the wildly popular grade deflation policy in 2004.

“Keeping students suspicious of each other will help us better

uphold the integrity of our intellectual community,” she said.

“To any students thinking of cheating, take note — the eyes of Woodrow Wilson and the Gatsby billboard are upon you.”

Nine cases of clandestine cheating have been revealed since September, Deignan confirmed.

The cases include one student who told his roommate, secretly an undercover informant, about using Google Translate on a Spanish assignment. Another student who told her friend, also an informant, about the foottapping code she planned to use during her multiple-choice abnormal psychology exam.

Ewe Council Footstool Elan P. Koogelmaass denounced the Committee’s operation, arguing that the Committee on Discipline has no measures in place to ensure that its undercover informants are telling the truth in their reports.

“It’ll turn into a witch hunt,” Koogelmaass said. “Move over, McCarthy. Competition is already brutal here because of

grade deflation. Now these informants could start abusing their power to slander people who are the best students in their classes.”

“If it comes down to ‘he said, she said,’ whom will the committee believe — their own handpicked spy or an alleged cheater?” he added.

Koogelmaass is working on an amendment to the USG Constitution that would give the Senate jurisdiction over the Committee on Discipline. Koogelmaass hopes to give students the power to request the proceedings of Committee on Discipline meetings through its newly-formed, successful Transparency Committee.

“In my USG, students would be able to get their hands on these records, and know who the informants are. The USG wants to be transparent to the average citizen. We want to expose this orgy of secrecy and spying. Don’t you want to be able to see right through us?” Koogelmaass explained.

BETROTHAL Continued from page 1

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“For men in the Class of 2018, this book provides another valuable lesson: Women want you because of your Princeton education. Right now, you’re surrounded by women who are desperate for a man. They have low self-esteem because they don’t have a ring on their finger yet. We envy you. You are at the beginning of a Princeton adventure that will challenge you, thrill you and transform you.

Unanticipated possibilities await you,” he added. “I wish I’d taken advantage of

that more in my Princeton days.”

The book was chosen over Eisgruber’s own autobiography, “Success -- and only success,” after Patton herself pointed out that he had failed at romance while at Princeton (and freshman physics). Eisgruber didn’t meet his wife, Lori Martin, until the two attended University of Chicago Law School.

Several members of the Class of 2018 admitted through the University’s early action program have expressed confusion over where to purchase the book, which is allegedly scheduled for release

by Gallery Books in spring 2014. Gallery Books is the name Simon & Schuster uses when it doesn’t want to get blamed for its publications.

Specif ical ly, Patton’s book will be published by Threshold Editions. Threshold Editions is the name Gallery Books uses when it doesn’t want to get blamed for its publications.

“I even went to the Threshold Editions website,” Devan Raim ’18 said.

“All I saw were books by Glenn Beck, Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Herman Cain and my other favorite authors.

But is Patton’s book even real?”

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Friday january 10, 2013

Tehila Wenger

associate editor for opinion

One fruit, two fruit

O

nce upon a time, I wandered out of a dining hall clasping an apple in one hand and two bananas in the other. I was stopped by the card swiper, whose name I will tactfully omit here to protect his privacy and to cover up the fact that I’ve forgotten it. The gentleman sternly informed me that I was violating Dining Services policy by carrying more than one piece of fruit out of the building. I was surprised — not that the policy existed, but that anyone would bother enforcing it. I meekly put the bananas back on the fruit rack and left the cafeteria, holding my apple ration up before me like a criminal as I passed the desk. That night, I went to bed with a rumbling tummy. There was a small blank space inside me where a banana should have been.

Let us carefully consider all sides of Princeton’s fruit policy. Fruit has a short shelf life; after a week on display, pears and apples develop a number of mysterious black holes and are subsequently donated to pigs. In preventing us from eating as much fruit as we can before it goes bad, Dining Services is sending a sly and cruel message about the relative value of pigs and Princeton students. Consider the countless advantages to letting students take as many extra pieces of fruit as they please back to their dorm: Student health would be marginally improved, dining hall pears wouldn’t have a chance to go bad and the flies haunting the fruit shelves of most dining halls might finally disperse in search of rottener pastures.

However, we must not ignore the potential negative fallout of a fruit policy change. There is a dark side to every rainbow, a stomachache to every golden apple (This is not a metaphor — literally every yellow apple gives me a stomach ache. This will be explored at length in my next column). Here is the indisputable other hand of permitting fruit binges: An unlimited fruit quota would require a faster turnover rate for fruit in the dining halls. This places an unfair budgetary and logistical strain on Dining Services, which may find itself unable to finance critical events like bringing in gourmet chefs for special one-time dinners. Besides, expanding the fruit quota could easily lead to concessions over other food groups as well. The slippery slope argument lives, and it’s gorging itself on a backpack full of pizza unjustly swiped from Wu. On the other hand — there is another hand to every other hand, and there are fingers to make the breakdown simpler — we already allow students to carry a hell of a lot of free food away from a dining facility. It’s called “late meal,” and should students choose to make up their allotted credit of $6.95 entirely in apples, they will have enough free Granny Smiths to keep the doctor away for a week. Notice, by the way, that the apples in Frist are rarely rotten, holey or soft. Coincidence?

On the other hand (for those of you who haven’t kept up, we’re on the index finger of the left hand), the health of the students, shine of the apples and budget of Dining Services is utterly beside the point. What’s at stake here is the principle of the thing. Allowing students to pilfer however much fruit they like from the halls undermines the entire meal plan system; it’s tantamount to declaring that there’s no real value to the food we buy at the beginning of each year, or that eating three meals a day doesn’t actually cost $5,860 per semester. This is outrageous.

There is a set exorbitant cost to the meals we eat. Anyone who does a little soulsearching will realize that taking extra apples is a blatant violation of the eighth commandment, utilitarian principles and Plato’s conception of justice; pick your poison and respect the policy.

And finally (we’re approaching the middle finger of the same hand), one might argue that this is not a very important issue to be discussing in the first place. I understand that point of view.

It is an important voice, representative of a significant portion of the student body, and should be carefully considered by the administration when they review the policy.

I don’t care enough about this subject to risk sharing a potentially controversial opinion about it. If you want to take an extra fruit out of Rocky, I’m not judging you. If you think that kind of behavior is immoral and stealing is stealing whatever the quantity or value, well, I respect your position. Basically, I love everybody. If you are offended by any element or by the entirety of this column, blame my editor. She forced me to take an aggressive tone.

Tehila Wenger is a politics major from Columbus, Ohio. She can be reached at twenger@princeton.edu.

Opinion

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{ www.dailyprincetonian.com }

EDITORIAL

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I

We don’t talk enough about us

t is dangerously easy in the Orange Bubble to lose perspective on what is important, good or urgent. We become distracted by the fickle, fleeting interests of the Internet. Our generation, the social media generation weened on Twitter, must recalibrate our discourse to reflect our social priorities. Too much precious time has been wasted by the top minds of our generation on issues we have little control over.

Syria, the government shutdown, healthcare — these things have preoccupied a campus that would do better to spend its limited collective awareness elsewhere. In short, we don’t talk enough about us.

Most pressing among these neglected concerns is, of course, What You Did Last Night. Students, busy discussing topical issues like the prison industrial complex, have left their peers wondering, “Did you go out last night?” or, “How much work did you do last night?”

It’s disconcerting to think that the students of the world’s most rigorous University care so little about the ins and outs of their friends’ and acquaintances’ schedules.

A related, and equally concerning issue facing the campus is, How Drunk You Were Last Night. Did you take it easy, because last week you went a little too hard and next week you have six exams in your four classes? How did you get home: Did your friend have to carry you on piggy back, or did the bouncer simply throw you out? And how much, precisely, did you drink? These are the questions the campus is left wondering. It’s no

matter that a student has a “blackout” and “can’t remember anything” — he or she owes it to our community to give an exact recount of shots, beers and chugs. Twitter surely has enough links to articles about the takeover of Fallujah—it’s about time Princetonians fight back, with tweets about what really matters: That they’ve lost their phone and prox for the fourth time this year at the Street.

Furthermore, students must turn an eye to the future. With all the recent talk on campus about human rights concerns surrounding Sochi, we’ve almost completely ignored, What Bank You’re Interning For. Time spent discussing global issues has disturbingly eclipsed time spent discussing your summer plans. Students must remember what matters when shaping our campus discourse: Signing bonuses, which alums they’ll be working for and which neighborhood they’ll be living in in the city (Tribeca, or the Lower East Side???)

The rest of the campus would do well to take the example set by the Editorial Board and to spend more time debating the most pressing issues — issues like exam scheduling and distribution requirements — rather than the dizzying events occurring outside of FitzRandolph gate. We must remember what is important: the minutia of life on campus. If this alarming trend continues, at some point in the near future, we may even stop talking about our grades. It’s about time this campus starts taking “In the nation’s service, and in the service of all nations,” a lot less literally.

Luc “X Factor” Cohen ’14

my sister was on the x factor!

Grace “Mexican night” Riccardi ’14 hey, are you in terrace?

solver of all problems Emily “1,000 Bulldogs” Tseng ’14 tumbleweed chasers Zoe Barnes ’14 Anastasya Underwood ’14 provocateur Sarah Bernstein-Schwartz ’15 master of games Jay-Z ’15 street rat Gabigail Gilliams ’14 paparazzi Monchon, Ruler of the World ’15 Merrill Fabry, Princess of SoHo ’14 copy chiefs “Get Your Rocks Off ” Beale ’14 Erica Sizzllazzo ’14

indesign guru Helen of Troy ’15Е keepers of the shrine Sarah C++ ’16 Adrian Ohmygod ’14 a/v geek Christiiine Wang ’14 prox proxy Dan Santorum ’14

4.0

vol. cxxxvii

intersexual Amy “Cheese & Tomatoes” Garland ’14

caresse yan ’15

associate marathoner Kitty Cat Ku Ku ’14

.................................................

associate news editor fo’ shit Drunkcelo Drunchabrun ’15 associate provocateurs Rich “My Mayor Loves Me” Daker ’15 Tehila “Do Your Reading” Wenger ‘15 da bears Damiracle ‘15 Victoria Brokeiphonechrzjak ’15 associate street rats Urvija “Snapchat Queen” Banerji ’15 Catherine “Illustrious” Bauman ’15 associate paparazzi Conor “This Song’s For You” Dube ’15 Stylia Xie ’14 associate copy editors Dana Bernstein-Schwartz ’15 Jennifer “I was supposed to factcheck?” Cho ’15 associate disiac editor Allison Mettsaroni ’15 associate a/v geek Rishi TeeVee Kaneriya ’16 editorial board ottoman Ethan “Please don’t dissent, Zach” Jamnik ’15

How to write an effective opinion editorial An actual guest submission to ‘the Prince’ - a guide for the public by a concerned Princetonian:

T

ucked away behind the news headlines and sports back covers op-eds are the hidden gems of The Daily Princetonian. Aside from providing a much needed, and often humorous, respite from the droll of the news, opeds serve an important function within our school community. By touching on controversial issues surrounding our Princeton lives, they not only provide unique insight, but also provoke a constructive, eloquent debate in the comments section of dailyprincetonian. com. In this regard, the ability to write a meaningful op-ed should be an essential part of every Princeton student’s skillset.

Admittedly, writing an op-ed isn’t easy. However, by gleaning what I can from the writings of the wordsmiths that make up the opinion section, I believe I have uncovered their recipe for writing engaging pieces of journalism.

By following this tried-and-true set of steps, I find that every student will be able to create op-eds worthy of the Princetonian.

The first, and perhaps most

important, step is choosing your topic.

Without a solid topic, it is difficult to construct a compelling argument, which will ultimately result in a poor article. While your first instinct may be to tackle certain hot-button issues such as the Syrian Civil War, or the tensions on the Korean peninsula, the ‘Prince’ has shown me that you are much better off cycling through the same few topics.

Bombed a test you only kind of studied for? Write a piece commenting on all the possible drawbacks of grade deflation.

Did you strike-out particularly badly on that cute girl in Cloister? Go on a tirade on how the Princeton hook-up culture doesn’t foster meaningful relationships between the men and women of campus.

Feeling particularly proud of yourself for donating $10 to Doctors Without Borders? Make sure to let everyone know how insular and self-centered the Princeton community by not being as “involved” as you are. The possibilities are endless, and in the end, a few choices are all you’ll ever really need to be a great op-ed writer.

Moving on, the next step involves your introduction. Without a proper introduction, you will lose your reader’s interest and your piece will ultimately fall flat. While there’s no guarantee that you’ll be able to capture every reader’s

attention, I’ve found that the best way to start your paper is to establish your credibility in being able to write it in the first place. By starting your paper with “Ever since I was young, I’ve always wondered …” you are demonstrating just how introspective you really are. By demonstrating this type of thoughtfulness, you can take the chance and delve into topics away from the few I mentioned above. For instance, by letting the reader know that you’ve “always wondered about the economic inequality in America,” you legitimize yourself in their eyes, and make it more believable that a student attending the premier university in the United States actually has a deep understanding of the inequality that pervades the nation.

Finally, now that you’ve chosen your topic and established your credibility, it is important to make sure that your paper maintains the readers’ interest throughout. While this may take many shapes and forms, such as peppering certain key terms like, “Princeton experience” or “Orange Bubble” throughout your work, it seems that adding a dash of melodrama to your writing works best. While your point-bypoint criticism of grade deflation may qualify you for a Pulitzer Prize, it will never entice a reader unless you make sure

to comment on how it has the potential to ruin the Princeton experience itself. By framing your topic in such a way, your argument becomes exponentially more important and your logic decidedly more sound. Furthermore, dramatization can be useful to uncovering truly interesting and important issues. Admittedly, I had first read the Susan Patton letter as a failed attempt of an alumna now serving as a matchmaker for her son; but because of the fully devoted energies of the Opinion section, I now know that this was an egregious mistake. Indeed, if the section hadn’t responded so dramatically to the letter and spent so many editorial sections doing so, the student body would never have known the extent of the power and influence Ms. Patton’s opinion actually held over the lives of Princetonettes everywhere.

Substantial as they are, these three steps only touch the surface of the genius of the opinion section. Although it seems like an insurmountable task, I ask that both present and future generations of Princetonians continue my work, and try to decipher the techniques of the opinion section. While we may never succeed, any pearls of wisdom we can extrapolate from these writings will bring us one step closer to disseminating both original and engaging works.

LETTER TO THE SOPHOMORE BOYS .............................................................. to the sophomore boys of a division of whig-clio — Hi GuysSo as I’m sure you’ve noticed you guys have the reputation of being really nice and super outgoing. Not just on the Internet but in real life too — many people have mentioned this tendency to me. Even some people on our team.

I hate you all and know you all are douches who have genuinely cold hearts.

That doesn’t mean that I can’t see where people’s complaints are coming from. You

guys branch out at meals, formals and other Tower events, always make an effort to reach out to others who are not like you, and are rarely sufficiently obnoxious in both your conversation topics and your “I know more things than you” tones.

So here’s a plea: Please, please, please try and be cliquier and meaner — that’s what the Tower bicker committee wants to see. Make an effort to shun and be mean to more people in Tower. Do not throw yourselves out there! I promise people don’t actually want to meet and like you, despite what they say at the bicker events.

Never welcome others into your group, and maybe make your jokes perhaps a bit less appropriate than how we might talk in the van or when it’s just us.

This is important not just because it will help you in the long run but because it will make a large difference for your friends and teammates who will bicker in the fall and spring next year. We are not Triangle: We cannot get our members into Tower based on sheer number. We need people in Tower and outside of it to genuinely recognize how cliquey we truly are, thus ensuring our admission

into the club. But if you don’t make an effort, then we’ll continue to be bashed on PFML — not just for our beliefs but for our kind attitudes. To those who bash us for our beliefs — conservative, liberal and otherwise — engage them in intellectual discussion. But for those who bash us for our open attitudes and commitment to acceptance, maybe we ought to take that as a cue to pay attention and close ourselves off.

Thanks for listening.

Blaire

The Daily Princetonian

Friday, january 10, 2014

page 5

Sportswriter/sprint football player interviews his many personalities ON TAP

Continued from page 6

.............

JW: True.

[2CHAINZ enters]: TRUUUUE! JW: Oh, get outta here, 2!

[2CHAINZ exits politely, now surrounded by a number of scantily-clad women.]

SFW: Wait, sorry, so did we say we’re not gonna bring in Proficient With Microsoft Office Wolfe?

JW: Okay, let’s get into some real On Tap questions. Can you explain your team’s bizarre fetish with stealing golf carts?

SFW: What? We don’t care about stealing golf carts. That’s completely wrong — sweet investigative journalism skills, bro.

JW: [confused, but a little embarrassed] My mistake.

SFW: Yeah, we just care about finding creative places to put golf carts once they’ve already been stolen. On top of the stadium, in the Whitman dining hall, things like that.

JW: I see. Describe the Nick Genta NCAA Fund Custom Suit Scam of 2011.

Can you estimate the extent of the financial damages it caused the athletic department, and explain how it’s any different from all of the Terrelle Pryor stuff?

SFW: Next question.

JW: Are you wearing one of the suits right now?

SFW: Next question.

JW: What are the Three Rules?

SFW: If you have to ask, you wouldn’t understand.

JW: What was a more important victory in the context of your career — the time you and your teammates stole the flag from the top of Harvard’s stadium and burned it at the 2012 bonfire, or the time you and your teammates stole the flag from the top of Harvard’s stadium and burned it at the 2013 bonfire?

SFW: Both were special moments in their own right, but Harvard’s security guards were significantly more competent the second year.

It’s always extra meaningful when you face a strong defense like that and still manage to come away with the win, so I guess in some ways that was a more rewarding outing for our squad.

JW: Public Safety has requested that I ask — who is the owner of the Black Tahoe?

SFW: No one actually knows, #FifthAmmendment JW: Relax, dude. This is the joke issue, so none of this can be held against you. #ExclusionaryRule #OJSimpsonTrial SFW: Hey, while I have you — is there any way you could plug my rap career in here?

JW: Are you referring to the work of Weston Gates, your rap monicker, produced by Fortunate Sons Music, your

on-campus production team?

SFW: Yes, whose songs are available at FortSonsMusic.com, and whose refreshingly trendy and affordable t-shirts are available in all sizes and colors for purchase through me directly.

JW: Sorry, I can’t do that for you. The ‘Prince’ told me no free advertising.

SFW: Got it.

JW: Speaking of hip-hop, some people say you look like the rapper Mac Miller.

Thoughts?

SFW: Nah, he looks like me.

JW: Nah, he looks like me.

SFW: What?

JW: I’m you.

SFW: Right.

JW: How has sprint’s relationship with the football team been?

SFW: Oh, it’s been phenomenal, really. Those guys are role models on the field for a lot of our players, and they’ve been super helpful in reviewing film with us and giving advice on mechanics to help us play more like a D1 team.

JW: That’s awesome — any football guys in particular who have been special mentors for you?

SFW: Senior offensive lineman Joe Goss [football] has been fantastic.

His football IQ is seriously impressive, and his passion for the game is contagious. Once he even came out to our practice and participated in one-on-one drills against

Walters encourages athletes to reproduce

JW: All right, thanks a lot man, that was awesome. Like I said, I really appreciate you taking the time to meet with me. This story is gonna come out great.

SFW: Wait ... that’s it? You’re not gonna like, ask me about my playing career?

JW: Um...I mean not really, I pretty much got everything I needed.

SFW: But — but I was second on my team in receptions this year!

JW: Didn’t ask.

SFW: Are you kidding? You don’t care about our season at all? We played on ESPN3 this year. I scored a touchdown in a nationally televised game!

JW: Definitely didn’t ask.

SFW: Okay, seriously? Seriously!

You wrote a two-thousand word

B-BALL

Continued from page 6

.............

Continued from page 6

.............

N O M E N C L AT U R E

JW: What about junior receiver Jack Verducci?

SFW: I don’t know who that is.

article on Quinn Epperly’s first season as a starter — you don’t even have one single question about my five-year career just because it was for sprint!?

JW: Okay, fine. Your self-esteem is really that low that you need me to patronize you with fake interest in your athletic career? Here you go: [sarcastically] As part of your pre-game rituals, when you’re figuring out which socks-cleats combo to go with, do you try them on and send pictures to your mom for advice?

SFW: [oblivious to the sarcasm at first] My mom has been there for me since day one. She is always there to support my fashion choices on and off the field, and she just happens to have pretty good taste in — Wait ... are you making fun of me?

JW: [still mocking] When job interviewers ask you what sport you play and you have to explain it to them, do you say, “It’s kind of like football, but without all the speed, strength and skill?”

SFW: [rapid-fire] If you could marry Mike Catapano or Roman Wilson tomorrow, who would you pick?

JW: What weighs more: You or your box of bicep bands and shooting sleeves?

SFW: How big is the T.J. Bray poster above your bed?

JW: When you’re playing a big game at home, what techniques do you use

to block out the noise of the imaginary crowd?

SFW: What do you find is the most cost-effective way to recycle giant stacks of unopened Daily Princetonian issues?

JW: [growing angry] In which of your 35 consecutive losses would you say you played the largest role in helping your team lose the — SFW: [infuriated] NO ONE READS ANY OF YOUR TWEETS! JW: [on the verge of tears] DIDN’T ASK! [A long silence] SFW: I’m sorry, man that was ... I took it too far.

JW: No, dude, I took it too far. Totally out of line.

[They embrace.]

SFW: I love you, bro.

JW: Love you too, man.

[PSYCH-MAJOR WOLFE enters] PMW: Um, yeah so the diagnosis is schizophrenia. This is extremely serious and you absolutely need to go see somebody.

SFW & JW: [in unison] Didn’t ask.

[All turn into flickering holograms of Manti Te’o’s girlfriend and explode into a million pieces of charred Harvard flag]

Police identify Crimson Wrestlers player by poor English found alive

RECRUITING

three really tall boys,” Walters said.

“And all the basketball team’s starting forwards would just be Mack Darrow Jrs.” When asked about Walters’ ideas, Palmquist cautioned against expecting too much.

“There are so many children out there in need of a loving family,” she said. “Mack and I have always loved the idea of adoption.”

“I swear,” Walters responded.

“For the good of Princeton Athletics, they better reproduce biologically!”

our senior defensive lineman Ben Foulon [sprint], who wanted some help with his pass rush. Ben beat Joe to the quarterback nine out of the ten times they ran the drill, but Joe didn’t let it affect his ego- he is a class act all around, and actually a really sweet guy once you get to know him! The only downside of that day was that Joe tweaked his knee pretty good, and as a result was only able to play the first half of the Dartmouth game before leaving on crutches.

MONICA CHON :: FILE PHOTO

Mack Darrow says he has been ordered to have athletic children.

threat, purportedly in hopes that the Crimson’s upcoming game against Princeton would be canceled.

“It appears that the suspect’s desire not to take on the Tigers, who average over 10 three-pointers per game, caused him to make a phony bomb threat,” Sgt. Stan Peterson of the Cambridge Police said. “He just didn’t think he could handle a team that shoots as well as Princeton.”

Harvard head coach Tommy Amaker, last year’s Ivy League Coach of the Year, praised Sambers’ hustle.

“We knew we were overrated, so it was a heads-up

play by Chiyani to call in that bomb threat,” Amaker said. “We’ve always stressed at Harvard that winning is everything and character is overrated. I was a little concerned when the recent cheating scandal came out and Chiyani was revealed not to have played a big part in it, but this proves he’s a true Harvard man.”

Police said that, while they initially believed the bomb threat to be real, they were able to ascertain its true origin relatively quickly.

“The note was alarming, but its author misspelled ‘bomb,’ ‘threat’ and the name of the school,” Peterson said.

“That lack of command over the English language helped us narrow it down to the Harvard men’s basketball team.”

WRESTLING Continued from page 6

.............

“We nearly gave up hope once, when we thought we’d discovered the exit but the door instead led to the fencing room,” he said. “At that point, we realized it would be easier to dig our way out, but when we went to find shovels we got separated from the rest of the group.

We finally found them two months later, frolicking in DeNunzio pool.”

The team kept its spirits up by playing hide-and-seek and messing with other teams’ practice facilities.

They kept alive on protein powder, and when that was exhausted they resorted to eating the giant tires they use in their conditioning exercises.

“It was rough, but it was still better than the food we used to get at T.I.,” one wrestler, said.

2014 ALL-NAME HONORS

The ‘Prince’ presents our list of names you could only hear at Princeton.

MALE

FIRST TEAM

SECOND TEAM

THIRD TEAM

Delaney Granizo-Mackenzie, Sr., Fencing

Markus Phox, fr. football

Quinn Epperly, Jr., football

Durelle Napier, Fr., football

Britt Colcolough, so., football

Quin Pompi, Fr., hockey

Rohan Hylton, Fr., football

Colton Phinney, fr., hockey

Kip Orban, Jr., lacrosse

Bear Altemus, Fr., lacrosse

Hunter deButts, Jr., lacrosse

Bowen Peard, Jr., lightweight crew

Alistair Berven, Fr., lacrosse

Austin deButts, Jr., lacrosse

Forest Sonnenfeldt, Sr., lacrosse

En-Wei Hu-Van Wright, So., swimming & diving

Fabrizio Giovannini Filho, lightweight crew

Whitney Blodgett, Jr., heavyweight crew

Junior Oboh, Fr., volleyball

Bear Goldstein, Fr., lacrosse

Cole McCracken, Jr., soccer

FIRST TEAM

SECOND TEAM

THIRD TEAM

Birdie Hutton, So., cross country/track & field

Blake Dietrick, Jr., basketball/lacrosse

Audrey Potts, Fr., hockey

MicKenzie Roberts-Lahti, Jr., soccer

Damaris Iriondo, Jr. swimming & diving

Hannah Winner, Fr., soccer

Pippa Temple, So., water polo

Delaney Johnson, Fr., swimming & diving

Frances Jenkins, Jr., volleyball

Allegra Mango, Sr., field hockey

Maylin Meisenheimer, So., swimming & diving

Libbie Maine, sophomore squash

Tate Crosby, So., lacrosse

Victoria Hammarskjold, So., volleyball

Skye Jerpback, So., softball

CeCe Coffey, Jr., water polo

Florin Radu, So, tennis

FEMALE

Diamond Wheeler, Sr., fencing Arden Youngblood, Sr., fencing Saskia de Quant, So., field hockey

Cat Caro, Fr., field hockey Yekaterina Panskyy, Fr, track & field Tara Harrington, So., squash

Sportzzz

Friday january 10, 2014

page 6

{ www.dailyprincetonian.com } RECRUITING

FOOTBALL

U. recruits Palmquist, Darrow’s future kids

Epperly leaves to pursue solo career

By Mitch Hedburgson ’98

By Greco-Roman Wilson

gary walters beat writer

senior epperly stalker

After the engagement of former volleyball star Jennifer Palmquist and former basketball star Mack Darrow, the Daily Princetonian has learned that Princeton’s Department of Athletics has already made offers to any potential children the couple may have.

“We believe that any offspring this couple produces will make a great addition to, well, whatever team,” Director of Athletics Gary Walters ’68 said. “That’s all I can say for now, until we find out what gender they’re going to be.”

Palmquist and Darrow say they are keeping their options open and will not be making any commitments until they finish planning their wedding. Though they say they do not know their exact plans as far as their future family is concerned, Walters has laid out several scenarios.

“Ideally, they’d have five or six kids, and we could spread them out over men’s and women’s volleyball and basketball,” Walters said. “But the Department of Athletics would be open to some of the children trying football or field hockey.”

“It’d be badass if they had like,

Saying he wanted more “creative control” over his football career, junior offensive frontman and Ivy League Offensive Player of the Year Quinn Epperly announced Thursday that he would be leaving Princeton’s football program to form his own independent offense.

“I’ve really enjoyed playing with the Tigers,” Epperly said in a statement released by his publicist. “But I just feel like it was time to head out on my own and see how I stack up against defenses when it’s just me.”

Though Epperly led the league in scoring and quarterback rating last year, some critics have suggested that his powerful arm and excellent instincts will not be enough to protect him when he faces 11 defenders without the aid of blockers or other skill players, which many argue are still necessary in an offense. Nonetheless, the quarterback is confident in his decision.

“I think I’ve accomplished everything I can as part of a team,” Epperly said. “But there’s

See RECRUITING page 5

SOLO PHOTO EDITOR :: NO NEWSPAPER NECESSARY

In a recent exhibition match, junior quarterback Quinn Epperly defeated the entire Yale football team 53-28.

{

on tap

}

BASKETBALL

On Tap with ... John Wolfe

By John Wolfe

Harvard player makes phony bomb threat to avoid playing Princeton

through my circles.

fifth- year senior writer

The sports-writer-for-TheDaily-Princetonian-me wanted to learn a little more about the athlete me: a fifth-year senior who withdrew from Princeton shortly after his 2012 sprint football season before returning for a fifth season in 2013.

The experience was at worst a wasteful display of offensively transparent self-promotion, and at best, a scientifically informative insight into a multitude of split-personality disorders.

(Disclaimer: please note that although this is the joke issue, all of the information below is factual, except for the parts that could get me in trouble of absolutely any kind) JOURNALIST WOLFE: Thanks for taking the time to meet. I’ve been looking forward to this interview for a long, long time.

SPRINT FOOTBALL WOLFE: Didn’t ask.

JW: Pardon?

SFW: Oh, “Didn’t ask.” It’s kind of a catchphrase of mine. I use it when people provide unsolicited information or start talking about themselves too much. It helps to keep Princeton students who are too full of themselves in check. It’s incredibly rude, but pretty effective.

JW: Oh. That’s um ... that’s actually pretty funny.

SFW: Yeah, I use it a lot for people’s Facebook statuses, or if people get too excited about something they’ve done that no one else cares about. It’s actually kind of been spreading around campus, at least

JW: Didn’t ask.

SFW: Dammit.

JW: Can we start the interview now please?

SFW: Sure thing. Well, first off I just wanna thank Jeff Coburn, Luke of Earl, Young Helli the Don, Dean “Loophole” Larry LuPole, Tha Sprint-Quint, Matti Quayle, Professor GentaRobbins, my accountant Timmy Cocuzza — JW: Okay, I gotta stop you right there — what are you thanking these people for?

SFW: Oh, they’ve just done so much to support me. Without them I could never have made it to this point.

JW: What? No. You haven’t accomplished anything. This is just an interview. For no reason. In the ‘Prince’s joke issue. With yourself.

It is literally just an expression of your own vanity. You can’t possibly have anyone to thank.

SFW: Oh, yeah, I’m the vain one, no definitely. Look at you.

All you do is follow around athletes with better careers than you so you can tell them how great they are in interviews and then later pretend to be friends with them.

JW: Are you kidding me!?

Dude look at your Facebook — your profile picture literally changes every 18 hours, and it’s just you like wearing your jersey, you’re not even doing any — [he is interrupted as EATING CLUB OFFICER WOLFE enters] JW: Who are you?

ECOW: I’m Eating Club Officer Wolfe. Sprint Football Wolfe

more for me to do on my own.”

Epperly added that, although he has set NCAA records as a quarterback, he looks forward to breaking new ground with experimental techniques such as passing to himself.

“Sure, I can be the Ivy League’s greatest quarterback as part of the Tigers,” he said.

“But could I become its leading receiver, could I set a record for most pancake blocks in a season? Probably not. I need to be out on my own to fully realize my vision.”

The project, tentatively titled “All I Do Is Quinn,” marks the end of one of the most influential Princeton teams in recent memory.

“Quinn leaving has given us all a lot to think about,” junior receiver Seth DeValve said.

“Coach [Bob] Surace ’90 says he’d like to keep the team together, but I don’t know. [Former nose tackle] Caraun Reid and I have been thinking this might be the time to finally get serious about our music careers and form our own label.”

It is unclear whether or not Princeton will continue to have a football team after Epperly’s departure.

By Stephen Wood future bonfire fuel

CAMBRIDGE, MASS. – Harvard’s campus was locked down recently as campus police reported they had received a bomb threat.

After several hours of police searches and high tensions on campus, it was revealed that sophomore guard Chiyani Sambers of the Harvard men’s basketball team had made the See B-BALL page 5

WRESTLING JOHN WOLFE :: JOHN WOLFE

Senior writer John Wolfe looked at a picture of himself and thought, “I’d On Tap that.”

said you might have a few questions for me? I’m the Cannon Athletics Chair.

club and University regulations?

Like where did you even live during that semester?

JW: [looking back at SFW] Are you serious? Oh, come on! No one cares about you being the IM Chair — ECOW: [interrupting] Athletics Chair —

[ECOW backs slowly toward the door and runs out of the room.]

JW: It is literally the lowest officer spot in the club — the tenth of 10 positions. It’s not even a real job, all you have to do is send emails about IM games and you don’t even do that and when you do no one reads them. Cannon has been basically nonexistent in IMs since last spring and — wait a second.

[Looking at ECOW] Wait, how were you able to be the IMs — ECOW: Athletics — JW: Chair last spring if you literally were not an enrolled student of the University? Wouldn’t that stand in violation of many, many

SFW: Oh, we’re gonna play that game? How were you a Senior Writer for the ‘Prince’ last spring when you weren’t a student?

JW: How were you academically eligible to play sprint football this year when you completed a grand total of ZERO courses last year?

Actually ... how were you even athletically eligible? Didn’t you play four full seasons before the start of this year?

SFW: What?

JW: What?

SFW: Oh, since we’re the same person, is this like one of those things where you text your-

self and it just keeps showing the text twice?

JW: Oh, since we’re the same person, is this like one of those things where you text yourself and it just keeps showing the text twice?

SFW: [winking] Thanks, dude.

JW: [winking] Thanks, dude.

[JV BASKETBALL WOLFE enters] JW: No, get the fuck out, that’s seriously nothing.

[JVBW Turns and leaves.]

JW: See what I mean about the vanity? You’re just listing a bunch of things you do on campus that no one cares about in resume-style format. This is disgusting.

SFW: Hey, don’t put that on me, you’re the one who’s writing this.

See ON TAP page 5

Wrestling team found in depths of Jadwin

By Damiracle on Ice kitchen manager

Bleary-eyed and pale from years underground, the wrestling team finally surfaced on the ground floor of Jadwin Gymnasium earlier this month after a decadeslong absence.

“Where am I?” one wrestler asked. “Is Reagan still president?”

The team, which said it was going to a late practice one evening in 1986 and had not been seen since, was apparently trapped inside Jadwin, the underground portion of which rivals most nuclear missile silos in depth and complexity. Princeton archaeologists suspected as early as 1993 that the wrestling team may have gotten lost on its way to or from its practice facility deep within Jadwin.

“We began conducting a full search of the gym in early 1994,” archaeology professor Howard Herbert said. “As of the time the wrestlers emerged a few weeks ago, we had searched about 60 percent of the building.”

Wrestler Sam Hendricks said that he and his teammates never stopped looking for a way out of Jadwin.

See WRESTLING page 5

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From WASP-y hilarity to names like Diamond Wheeler, we name the best-named athletes on campus.

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junior guard Mariah Smith of the women’s basketball team, who blocked us on Twitter