January 8, 2015

THE TROLLING Founded 1876 daily since 1892 online since 1998

Friday january 8, 2016 vol. cxxxix no. 128

{ www.dailyprincetonian.com } [ CENSORED D UE TO P O L I T I CA L I N CO RRE CT N E SS ]

U. introduces strict new PC guidelines The University is instituting a campaign to purge itself of all documents, statements and expressions that do not meet University standards of political correctness.

P.C. O’Brien, who will be heading the newly formed PC Truth Department, explained that the Truth Department will be looking through all student correspondence as well as student academic work to censor politically incorrect content.

Students found in violation will

be sent to live in Forbes College.

“Every breath you take, every move you make, we’ll be watching you,” O’Brien said, “and anyone who disagrees with our methods can shut their fucking piehole.”

O’Brien added that the University has compiled a list of clubs on campus that will be required to change their names, and the University will closely monitor all clubs’ correspondence. Any club that does not conform to See GUIDELINES page 2

RODENT CITY

WORTH THE WALK?

NATALIA CHEN :: PHOTO EDITOR

A new wall will further cut off Forbesians – both the good people and the bad – from the rest of campus.

USG debates undocumented emigration from Forbes The undocumented migration of students from Forbes College to campus has become a highly prevalent topic in this year’s Undergraduate Student Government elections.

Around 60 percent of the students housed in Forbes have abandoned their rooms there and brought sleeping bags to the sidewalk of University Place.

Moses Discontented ’18, who had

been elected to speak for the migrants, said that while the Forbesians have requested University housing on the campus several times already, their requests have been denied or ignored and the administration has frequently threatened them with forced repatriation back to Forbes.

“If the Israelites could survive in the desert for 40 years,” he said, “then we can sustain our-

selves here a while longer, too.”

Students said that they vacated Forbes because they felt that it was not worth the long walk to their classes and to the Street. They added that they were tired of seeing frat boys coming over to Forbes to smoke weed undetected and of seeing drunk 65-year-old alumni passed out in their doorways during Reunions.

See FORBES page 2

PULIN GIVES NEW MEANING TO LIFE AND VISION WORKSHOPS

Career Services hires psychic consultants NATALIA CHEN :: PHOTO EDITOR

The new squirrel statue will proudly take its place in front of Nassau Hall.

U. selects squirrel as mascot after student campaign Fifteen hundred students were spotted walking around in squirrel onesies as part of a new protest to make squirrels the new mascot of the University.

Callme Nutty ’18, the leader of the Squirrel Movement, said that the movement began in response to some papers found in the Mudd Manuscript Library.

The papers claimed that squirrels were supposed to be the mascot for the University, according to propos-

als drafted by Bruce Wayne ’39.

Wayne was unavailable for comment as he was allegedly at war with Catwoman.

“Squirrels should be the mascots of this great institution because they’re so cute,” the papers claimed, according to Nutty, “and cats like lions or tigers are too violent.”

According to Nutty, the paper went on to detail reasons for choosing squirrels as the mascot, which See SQUIRREL page 3

The University’s Office of Career Services has revolutionized its program with an emphasis on unconventionality, including hiring psychics to consult with students about where they should end up.

Executive Director of Career Services Pulin Sanghvi explained that Career Services made the decision to hire psychics because they did not have enough time to process all the students who were sent in to see them and because they thought psychics would do a better job in providing guidance.

He noted that Tarot cards, palmreading, crystal balls and astrology would all be available as methods of psychic consultation.

Madame Zarathustra, one of

the psychics, said that she cannot speak to how the mysteries of the universe operate but added that the signs never lie.

Zach Baumgartner ’17 said that as he was having trouble deciding on a career, having a psychic choose one for him was extremely helpful.

“After finding out that my zodiac sign is a Taurus, the psychic lady told me I should work on Wall Street,” he said. “Why not?”

Baumgartner’s friend, Will Bellamy ’17, said that his psychic told him to go into politics after noticing that the cloud of mist inside her crystal ball kept changing shape and never settled into a particular form.

“Not the career path I envisioned,” he said, “but who am I to contradict Providence’s plans for me?”

In addition, HireTigers has allowed students to create brand new profiles emphasizing skills that make them stand out. The profiles include spaces for students’ Myers-Briggs Personality Score, Zodiac sign and the luminous intensity of the light emanating from a student’s business card, while eschewing more traditional criteria such as GPA and job experience.

Sanghvi said that these changes to the HireTigers website reflect a history of innovation and See CAREERS page 3

SATURDAY SHOPPER

SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST

Republican debate to take place on tropical island

in the archives

will also be declared a winner.

A cannon will be sounded each time a candidate is knocked unconscious or passes out from exhaustion, he noted.

Several of the candidates have discussed their planned strategies. U.S. Senator from Texas Ted Cruz ’92 said that he intends to draw on his filibustering abilities by lecturing the other candidates until they submit to him out of sheer weariness.

“Filibustering is a bit like an Apple Software Licensing See DEBATE page 2

Jan. 8, 1918

Woodrow Wilson, Class of 1879, gave us 14 Points – but we would give him a million.

VINCENT PO :: STAFF PHOTOGRAPHER

BodyHype will perform “Marvel: The Life of an Independent Student” this weekend in Frist Theater.

Today on Campus Too early p.m.: Charter Club will go members only.

WEATHER

The next Republican debate will feature a new format, that of a survival-of-the-fittest contest, CNBC moderator John Harwood said.

Harwood explained that the candidates will be put on a deserted tropical island with provisions, but no weapons. They will be allowed to use whatever means, verbal or non-verbal, to subdue each other, and the last man standing will be declared the winner. He added hastily that as one of the candidates, Carly Fiorina, is a woman, the last woman standing

This is The Daily Princetonian’s annual joke issue. Got ’em!

HIGH

LOW

139˚ -29˚ Do you even look at the weather? chance of rain: -173 percent

The Daily Princetonian

page 2

Friday january 8, 2016

SHE’S BACK

Patton ’77 partners with U. dropout to found matrimony app

NATALIA CHEN :: PHOTO EDITOR

Students (and administrators) start using app developed by Patton ’77.

“Princeton Mom” Susan Patton ’77 will be partnering with former computer science majors from the University to create Yente, an app to partner college students together in matrimonial bliss.

Patton explained that participants in the app will fill out profiles including intended postgraduate job, major, extracurricular activities including fraternities or eating clubs and physical characteristics. As in Tinder, Grindr or Friendsy, they will have the opportunity to swipe right for people they would consider marrying and left for people they would not consider marrying. A green light will appear on the screen if both parties consent.

This app is unique because it focuses on marriage rather than relationships or hookups, Patton noted.

“This isn’t something that guys will casually scroll through when they’re taking a dump,” she said.

ORANGE PRICING BUBBLE

“This is some high-quality matrimonial shit.”

She added that the app is focused on helping young collegeage women find a partner, and that the needs of men are secondary.

Young women, and not young men, will have the opportunity to go through a simulation of their wedding, and there is also a tool for calculating what sort of real estate and household items can be purchased with a given college boy’s projected salary over a given period of time.

When asked if men would favor other dating apps as a result, Patton said she was not too concerned.

“Men don’t need my help,” she said. “It’s not like they’re desperately hitting on girls at the Street every weekend and complaining about all the ones who casually reject them. They can find life partners fine on their own.”

Graham Barton, who provided the coding expertise to go along

with Patton’s creative vision, said that he thinks this app will be a great stride for the University. Barton attended the University but dropped out last semester. Noting that Harvard dropouts had started Facebook and Stanford dropouts had started Pied Piper on the TV series “Silicon Valley,” he said that the introduction of this app makes him no longer ashamed to have attended the University at one point in his life.

He explained that he and his friends had worked on the app for months, living primarily on granola and quinoa in an off-campus incubator and generating most of the ideas by working with Patton in group think sessions.

“We strive to be constantly innovating, always thinking outside the box,” Barton said. “If apps were like amplifiers, then we’re like a special kind of amplifier that goes up to 11 instead of 10. We’re just taking it to the next level always.”

FA K E I D S N O M O R E

Students against expensive items PPD forms force for anti-underage drinking Students at the University have convened in an “Occupy Princeton” protest against what they say is the undue expensiveness of the Orange Bubble.

The students have pledged to boycott all dining hall food and all food sold in University-run establishments such as the University Store, Studio ’34 and the C-Store, and to boycott books sold by Labyrinth Books. Students have also staged mass bonfires to burn their Pequods.

When asked about the purpose of the protest, William Hartsough ’19 said that people who sell books and food to students have been taking advantage of the monopoly they have on campus to make high profits.

“When I was on OA there was a giant tick on my leg that engorged itself on my blood. The University and Labyrinth are like that tick,” he said. “I feel like I’m stuck in a bubble where everything is artificially elevated to obscenely high prices.”

Hartsough and other stu-

dents added that they have no idea why food and books cost so much on campus, and that the University has not offered sufficient explanation. Katie Lipton ’18 said that she thinks Occupy Princeton follows on a tradition of protesting that goes back to the 1960s.

“In the ’60s people burned their draft cards,” he said. “Now we’re burning Pequods.”

Spokespeople from Wawa and Papa John’s Pizza explained jubilantly that without the dining hall, students have been frequently getting food from them and their profits are booming.

Hartsough said that students have been buying books on Amazon rather than Labyrinth, but Amazon workers were slumped at their desks from exhaustion and did not respond to a request for comment.

The protests follow an alleged “Belshazzar’s Feast” in which unnamed University officials and outside partners convened around a table in Nassau Hall to celebrate making large sums

of money from students. The climax of the dinner occurred during an alleged toast.

“And you know what the best part of this is?” the person allegedly said. “We’re making all this money, and the University doesn’t even pay taxes because — get this — it’s a nonprofit institution!”

Pequod producers, dining hall executives and Labyrinth spokespeople said that this “Belshazzar’s Feast” is a fabrication and that all fees are accounted for in the books.

New Jersey state senator Verry Contemptuous said that the University students are a “bunch of whiners” and that the norm among college students today is to protest anything they do not like.

“Next thing you know, women will be protesting about the fact that they have to wait longer at public restrooms and smokers on campus will be protesting not being allowed to smoke in public buildings,” he said. “Not everything is a conspiracy.”

Triangle, Colonial to be renamed GUIDELINES Continued from page 1

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these regulations will not be allowed to form, he said.

He noted that examples of groups that need to change their names include the Princeton Triangle Club and the Colonial Club.

“The triangle representing the Triangle Club points upward, which is a representation of a phallus,” he said. “In order to avoid disgusting statements about male supremacy, the Triangle Club should become the Rhombus Club or the Parallelogram Club.”

The Colonial Club, he said, is reprehensible because its name recalls nations who subjugated

and oppressed their colonies for their own benefit.

O’Brien added that the University will systematically go through all its documents, such as library records and past students’ senior theses, and alter them so that no one reading will be offended. Instead of naming University buildings after people, the University will name its buildings A, B, C, … , Z, AA, BB, CC, etc.

Students will also not be allowed to listen to offensive music, which includes all rap music and several other groups.

He noted that the Beatles are banned because their name contains the word “beat” which could promote spousal abuse, but recommended other music that is not subversive.

“I encourage students to lis-

ten to the great song ‘Puff the Magic Dragon,’ for example,” O’Brien said. “It’s all about a friendly dragon who lives by the sea with his best friend.”

Reaction to the new regulations has not been uniformly positive. University donors said they will withdraw their donations now that their names will no longer appear on the buildings, and Carl Icahn ’57 said he will try to take over the University in a corporate raid. Emmanuel Goldman ’16, a University student, said that the PC rules represent a violation of freedom of speech.

“The intentions are certainly good and noble, because offensive epithets need to be stamped out,” he said, “but this is the wrong way to go about doing it.”

Fobic ’17 to build wall along Alexander St. FORBES

Continued from page 1

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However, administrators and other students have said that they think the refugees from Forbes should not be admitted to more central locations. Manager of Undergraduate Housing Angela Hodgeman said that the University has no intention of granting other housing to the dispossessed Forbes students, and Brian Hatfield ’17 said that the Forbes refugees do not belong on the main University campus.

“They’re stealing our dining hall food, they’re stealing the alcohol from our pregames,” he

said. “Someone needs to ship them back to Forbes.”

The Forbes immigration issue has also divided USG candidates.

USG presidential candidate and Butlerite Zeno Fobic ’17 said that if elected, he will build a wall along Alexander Street to keep the “riffraff” out.

“Forbes is sending us all these students that have all these problems, and the problems are going with them,” he said. “Some are probably good people, but they’re bringing clouds of reefer with them, and they’re bringing stalkers and voyeurs.”

Teddy Caldwell ’17, a former Forbesian, said that while he understands the plight of Forbesians, he was able to move

from Forbes to the main campus legally and thinks that the Forbesians camped on University Place should wait their turn like everyone else.

However, Wilsonite Damon Kennedy ’17 said that he would welcome the assimilation of the Forbesians into the campus, and that as a Forbesian at heart, he is uniquely able to listen to their concerns. He noted that he does all his work and eats all his meals in Forbes, has been dating a girl from Forbes since freshman year and he even baptized himself in the chocolate fondue fountain at Forbes Sunday brunch.

“Moving to the main campus is really an act of love,” he said.

The Princeton Police Department is training an elite squad of undercover policemen, known as “The Temperance 10,” to apprehend underage drinkers on campus and outside liquor stores in town.

“I was put on this earth with one God-given mission in life,” said police chief Carry Nation II, who trained the recruits and was responsible for selecting them.

“To make sure that no one 20 years, 364 days, 23 hours, 59 minutes and 59 seconds and younger gets away with the heinous offense of consuming alcohol.”

Nation explained that training for a spot in The Temperance 10 is grueling and that only the most determined can survive it. Volunteers are taken to a remote swamp to receive instruction from Soda, the Temperance Master, who was named after the only carbonated beverage he ever drank and was exiled to his swamp after the repeal of Prohibition in 1933. Nation said she could not speak to the specifics of the training, but it includes stealth exercises so that students can sneak up on unsuspecting patrons, as well as shape-shifting.

When asked about the shapeshifting, Nation explained that all Temperance 10 members can change their appearances at will in order to appear in multiple different identities, including fraternity brothers or ordinary

Princeton civilians, and thus be better able to catch students unawares.

Soda could not be reached for comment.

Most of the current Temperance 10 declined to comment, but one member agreed to speak on the condition of anonymity. He explained that he knew his calling at the age of 8, when he had a nightmare that the pirate on the front of the Captain Morgan spiced rum handles was stabbing his 20-year-old brother to death.

“No man, woman or child should have to go through what I went through that night, and I knew that I had to be the one to put a stop to it,” he said.

The member noted that the most difficult part of his job is not the job itself, but keeping his job secret from his friends and his girlfriend. He added that he sometimes worries that deranged underage drinkers will kidnap his girlfriend and hold her hostage on the room of a 50-story building.

He added that his faith was tested once, when he received a job offer from Goldman Sachs, but that he is resolute in his determination to stamp out the bane of underage drinking.

“We have been endowed with unique abilities,” he said, “and with great power comes great responsibility. The city of Princeton needs us.”

Trump has ultra-secret weapon under his toupee DEBATE

Continued from page 1

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Agreement,” Cruz said. “There’s just so much meaningless shit there that people don’t have the time for, that they just end up agreeing with you because they don’t want to deal with it.”

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said that his weight will not be a problem for him in the arena, and that, as a former federal prosecutor, he believes he can withstand anything.

Ohio Governor John Kasich said that his strategy is to hide in a corner and hope that the other candidates will simply eliminate one another, leaving him the victor.

Real estate magnate Donald Trump explained that, continuing his strategy from recent debates, his strategy is to go after Jeb Bush first, then turn his attention to everyone else.

“I’ll take him down faster than Carly Fiorina took down Hewlett Packard,” Trump said.

When asked if his age will make him less able to survive through

the combat than younger candidates such as Cruz and U.S. Senator from Florida Marco Rubio, Trump said that he is not concerned.

However, Cruz and Rubio both said that their youth and vigor will enable them to be much better at surviving than older contestants.

“When I’m in the arena, looking up at the noonday sun with sweat pouring down my face, I’ll think of my father, who spent many long hours washing dishes for me to get to this point,” Cruz said. “I will not let my father down.”

Nevertheless, Harwood noted that Trump has a secret weapon no one else has — the light radiating from his bald head.

“Trump’s bald head is like the Ark of the Covenant of American politics,” he said. “When naked in all its glory, the other candidates will melt like the Nazis in “Raiders of the Lost Ark.” Not even former federal prosecutors will be safe from Him.” When asked if Trump’s hair is real, Trump told reporters not to be ridiculous.

The Daily Princetonian

Friday january 8, 2016

page 3

T R U LY I N D E P E N D E N T W O R K

TRUE CONSPIRACY THEORY

Economics, ORFE independent work advisers found not to exist

Meng arm attributed to tracker device

On paper, Jacob Ruijskman was a decorated University professor: a graduate of MIT’s economics program, who had co-authored papers on the Great Depression and the financial crisis and made contributions to applied game theory. He had taken on five advisees from the Class of 2016.

There was only one problem: there was no such person as Jacob Ruijskman. Evidence has emerged indicating that five independent work advisers in the economics department and seven in the operations research and financial engineering department have University email addresses and offices but do not exist in real life.

The University did not respond to a request for comment, but University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 released an email to the University student body saying that mistakes were made and that the University will try to fix them.

Economics department representative R.U. There did not respond to multiple requests for comment, but ORFE department representative I.M.

There said that the rumors are true and that his department has been inventing advisers as legal fictions.

“The Princeton thesis never mattered much,” he said. “All our students end up on Wall Street anyway, so who cares if they make some halfhearted attempt at academic research?”

He added that most professors in the ORFE department felt that their most important mission was research rather than teaching, and that advising students was distracting.

Other professors in the department traded off answering emails to the nonexistent professors and putting up fake CVs, There said.

James Shin ’16, a senior in the economics department, explained that he first became suspicious after he sent off several emails to his adviser that went unanswered. After showing up at his adviser’s door and sending an email to the department coordinator, he was told that his adviser was at a conference in London. When he persisted further, the department informed him that his adviser had

taken an emergency leave of absence.

Other students from both departments said that they had had similar experiences as Shin.

Sheldon Maddox GS, a graduate student in the ORFE department who precepted for ORF 309, explained that he had never met Hans Wienerhaüsen, the professor for whom he was TAing, and that all grading and teaching instructions were sent remotely.

“I wasn’t surprised that I never met him, considering that most professors don’t have time to deal with the tedium of actually administering their classes and leave it up to graduate students,” Maddox said. “But now that I think about it, professors not existing makes total sense.”

Both Maddox and Shin said that the news utterly flabbergasted them, and Maddox added that he still does not know how the department taught the class without a professor.

“It’s a strange feeling when you realize that Dolly Parton’s tits are more real than your thesis adviser,” Shin said.

JAY CREW

Secret injection of trackers along with the meningitis vaccine has been identified as the cause for the painful post-meningitisvaccine “meng arm” in freshmen, according to an investigation conducted by the Undergraduate Student Government.

The first tracker was discovered in Iliketobelieve Imspecial ’19 when he underwent a full body scan for undisclosed medical reasons.

“I was looking at my scan reports when suddenly I saw this little device with the Princeton logo embedded in my arm,” Imspecial said.

Imspecial added that the device was identified as a tracker by zooming in on and studying the scans, since the device could not be removed.

“This is Princeton we’re talking about,” Imspecial said. “Of course they found a way to make the tracker irremovable. I’m just surprised that it wasn’t invisible.”

USG decided to investigate the entire student body for trackers, even though Imspecial explained that he was probably the only student the University cared about injecting.

USG held body-wide scanning for all students in Frist Campus Center on Friday to find out if more students had been injected with the tracker. All students who got scanned were promised alcohol to ensure that they would enjoy the next Orange and Black Ball, according to USG president Joke Candidate ’16.

“At first we thought that the trackers were only for the per-

petually lost and excited frosh on Outdoor Action trips,” Candidate explained, “but upon scanning the student body we found that every student had a tracker.”

USG senators then went to Executive Director of University Health Services John Kolligian to ask for an explanation, according to Candidate.

Kolligian revealed that meningitis B was a scam meant to enable the University to inject freshmen with the trackers. He added that the Food and Drug Administration only approved the “vaccine” after a year because the University delivered its bribes late.

“We need a way to keep track of all the freshmen who kept getting lost,” Kolligan said. “However, we also needed to avoid undermining their confidence. The secret task force assigned to the task took 25 years to come to this solution.”

Kolligian explained that the trackers were injected after multiple calls to the Department of Public Safety from lost freshmen who could only use “gothic architecture” to identify their location.

Kolligian added that two maps like the Marauder’s Map in the Harry Potter books sit in South Baker and Nassau Hall to track student movements for safety and entertainment purposes respectively.

Candidate said that USG suspects other reasons for the trackers, such as being able to recognize freshmen after they put on the Freshman 15 and trying to make the University diversify to Hunger Games references from only Harry Potter references.

SPIN

NATALIA CHEN :: PHOTO EDITOR

Students dressed to the nines in accordance with the latest USG guidelines for preppy dress code.

USG codifies preppiness on campus The Undergraduate Student Government has instituted a new dress code stipulating new heights of preppification for University students.

USG president Jay Crew ’17 noted that while the dress code is not mandatory, students who are observed not following it will be added to a “Burn Book” which will be put on display in Frist Campus Center.

“I think Coco Chanel or someone once said that all the world’s a stage,” Crew said, “and to that can be added that all of Princeton is a costume party.”

Under the new guidelines, all students must wear pastel colors on Wednesdays, and students may not wear glasses that do not have thick frames. Before trying on a new outfit, girls must ask other girls if the outfit looks good on them, and men are encouraged to do the same but not in public.

Furthermore, the code out-

lines several items that should not be worn in public: sneakers, Teva sandals, pajamas, sweatpants and sweatshirts or T-shirts that do not bear the University logo. All of these items can only be worn publicly on Fridays, with the exception of pajamas, which can never be worn in public ever.

U-Councilor Ralph Lauren ’18 noted that as these rules may be seen as promoting excessive conformity on campus, USG is also encouraging students to be unique. Girls are encouraged to learn the ukulele and buy drip coffee from Rojo’s instead of pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks, and boys are encouraged to major in philosophy instead of economics, grow beards and discuss Sartre in their spare time.

Crew said that since these regulations reinforce the unofficial dress codes already in place at the University, they would not be controversial. However, students have spoken in opposition to the

decision, and have drawn up a referendum against it.

Whig-Clio member Theophilius Smith ’19, one of the proponents of the referendum, said that even if the dress code is not strictly required, even suggesting one represents a brainwashing attempt at conformity.

“This represents an unprecedented totalitarian attack upon the pulchritude of the civil liberties given to our polity,” he said.

“I have never encountered anything like it during my time as an observer of the Judeo-Christian legal tradition.”

Olympia Cady Stanton ’17, a member of the Women’s Center, said that suggested dress codes will lead to University students perceiving each other in stereotyped terms, including each gender’s perception of the other gender.

“There seems to be no exit from the forced conformity,” she said.

Squirrels finally take over campus SQUIRREL Continued from page 1

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focused on their preparedness for the future in collecting their food before every winter and forgetting to take out buried nuts, which grew into trees.

The original squirrel papers could not be traced as tigers allegedly ate them 50 years ago.

Nutty said that the squirrel has always been the University’s official mascot in secret. He added that the acorn-like shape of the University crest and the multiple paintings of squirrels on University campus, such as in the Whitman college dining hall, were proof that squirrels are the true mascot of the University.

“It is time we respect the squirrel,” Nutty said on behalf of the pro-

testors. “We ask that you bow in respect every time you see a squirrel.”

Nutty said that the student protestors are calling for three additional changes — all tiger statues around campus should be replaced with squirrel statues made of acorns, Tiger Inn should change its name to Squirrel Inn and the University cheer should replace the word “tiger” with “squirrel.”

The protestors entered the office of University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 through a burrow tunnel they dug up on Thursday and threatened him, according to Baewatch, Eisgruber’s bodyguard.

“Those nasty little creatures threatened to steal all of the great President’s buried treasures if he did not listen to their requests,” Baewatch said.

Eisgruber was unavailable for

comment as he was filling the holes in his office floor.

While the final verdict is still pending, the Undergraduate Student Government has also joined in on these protests in response to student votes in favor of the protests.

The USG has asked the University to extend winter break to allow for appropriate hibernation for the Princeton squirrels.

All University students, except those participating in varsity sports with a winter season, were in favor of the squirrel as a mascot.

Lifeof Pi, captain of the University’s ice hockey team, said that it was unethical for the winter athletes to be asked to hibernate and change from their sports to acorn picking.

Nutty and other student protestors declined to respond to Pi’s concerns as they were hibernating.

‘Prince’ to disband due to departure of U. spokesperson Mbugua The Daily Princetonian will be disbanding at the end of January following University spokesperson Martin Mbugua’s departure from the University, outgoing Editor-in-Chief Anna Mazarakis said.

“It’s simple, really,” Mazarakis said, wiping her eyes with an issue of the ‘Prince.’ “Without Martin to decline to comment on our articles, we cannot function as a news organization.”

Mbugua declined to comment for this article.

Associate News Editor DoHyeong Myeong ’17 said that she admired Mbugua’s professionalism and dedication, and that her time at the ‘Prince’ would not have been the same without him.

“He declined to comment for me once and it was the most beautifully written thing I’d ever seen,” Myeong said. “It made Fitzgerald’s prose look like ‘Fifty Shades of Grey.’ ” Mazarakis explained that the ‘Prince’ will also be holding a memorial service in honor of Mbugua at 48 University Place. After being invited to speak about him, students will be invited to present their own original ‘declined

to comment’ compositions in prose and poetry forms including but not limited to haiku, Shakespearean sonnets and Bee Gees disco.

She added that the ‘Prince’ will be using the remainder of its funds to erect a statue of Mbugua outside 48 University Place, and that the ‘Prince’ will be manufacturing Mbugua bobbleheads as keepsakes for its writers.

Former Editor-in-Chief Marcelo Rochabrun ’15 said that he will be returning to Princeton to play ‘Daily Prince Issue in the Wind,’ an original composition in honor of Mbugua, on the flute.

He added that no recordings of the song will be permitted, but he will repeat it as many times as people like to ensure accurate transcription.

“It’s what Martin would have wanted,” Rochabrun said.

University vice president of communications Dan Day said that while the University does not yet know who will be Mbugua’s replacement, applicants for the position will come from all walks of life and will represent the University in the best possible way.

Students revamp their LinkedIn profiles CAREERS Continued from page 1

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entrepreneurship for Career Services.

“We’re always trying to think outside the box, develop things from the ground up,” Sanghvi said. “Each and every resource module on our new site will help Princeton students foster their inner innovator.”

In addition, Career Services has been promoting revamped LinkedIn profiles. Students have been altering their accounts to downplay traditional attributes while noting features such as IQ ,

MENSA membership and team captaincy of a third grade water polo team.

“Everyone has the job experience, so there’s no need to include that,” Baumgartner said. “Besides, all you do in Wall Street internships anyway is make PowerPoints and shadow people, so experience really doesn’t matter. What they want are team players and innovators.”

“There was this time in high school track when I accidentally took off before the starters’ pistol and everyone laughed at me,” Bellamy said. “But Morgan Stanley wants self-starters, so I put that on my resume. Who’s laughing now?”

Opinion

Friday january 8, 2016

page 4

{ www.dailyprincetonian.com }

EDITORIAL

Make Princeton great again

N

othing further exemplifies the University’s decline in prestige than the recent Class Day speakers, such as Al Gore, Brooke Shields ’87 and Jon Stewart. These people are total losers. They are all talk and no action. For too long, Princeton’s Class Day has become a dumping ground for everybody else’s problems. When Princeton invites Class Day speakers, they do not invite the best. They do not invite people like you.

They invite people who have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems to us.

The Board calls upon the senior class government to make Princeton great again by inviting successful businessman and presidential frontrunner Donald Trump to be the 2016 Class Day speaker. The Board believes that Trump will do a far better job than any of the low-energy alternatives.

Trump’s career has been one of unparalleled achievement. With his paltry inheritance and a small loan of $1 million from his father, he built one of the world’s best

brands and tallest towers. On top of his significant financial success, Trump over time developed a reputation as one of the world’s most nuanced and articulate thinkers. His 1987 treatise, “The Art of the Deal,” is one of the cornerstones of modern game theory and microeconomics.

Further, Trump exemplifies the University’s motto of “Princeton in the Nation’s Service and in the Service of all Nations.” He has taken a break from his highly profitable business ventures to run for President and he has pledged to build the greatest wall you’ve ever seen. Notably, this wall will be paid for by Mexico. Like Princeton undergraduates, he understands the value of free goods and services.

In an age of stifling political correctness, only Trump has demonstrated the willingness to stand by his principles and say what is true. The Board believes that the University faculty, and any future academics in the Class of 2016, would have much to learn from Trump’s method of political analysis and hopes that they will start telling the truth

vol. cxxxix

about President Barack Obama’s birthplace, Syrian orphans and other policy challenges of global importance.

Some may claim that Trump’s characterizations of women make him offensive to female students, but this is not true. Princeton women love Donald Trump. In fact, given recent controversies on campus, the Board believes that Trump is the only potential speaker who could unite Princeton’s student body. This is because Trump is very rich as a result of his remarkable negotiating skills.

Trump has been doing deals for a long time.

He has been making wonderful deals. That is what he does.

A class day speech by Trump would be huge for the University. We urge the senior class government to invite him to speak at Class Day. The Editorial Board is an independent body and decides its opinions separately from the regular staff and editors of The Daily Princetonian. The Board answers only to its Chair, the Opinion Editor and the Editor-in-Chief.

introducing our new puzzle section!

Terry o’shea ’16 ..................................................

Anna “Miss Giggles” Mazarakis ’16 editor-in-chief

Matteo Kruijssen ’16 business manager

139th managing board news editors Paul “Teva” Phillips ’16 Ruby “1 a.m.” Shao ’17 opinion editor Benjamin “Tower Lover” Dinovelli ’16 sports editor Miles “Simba” Hinson’17 street editor Lin “The Voice” King ’16 photography editors Natalia “Blogger” Chen ’18 Sewheat “Kappa #1” Haile ’17 video editors Leora “Rugby” Haber ’16 chief copy editors Caroline “Rug burn” Congdon ’17 Joyce “Kappa #2” Lee ’17 design editors Austin “Aesthetic” Lee’16 Julia “Cindy Lou Who” Johnstone’16 prox editor Rebekah “Shoemaker” Shoemake ’17 intersections editor Jarron “JMac” McAllister ’16 associate news editor Do-Hyeong “Seoul girl” Myeong ’17 associate opinion editors Jason “Survivor” Choe ’17 Shruthi “Ghoster” Deivasigmani’16 associate sports editors Sydney “Taj” Mandelbaum ’17 Tom “Committed” Pham ’17 associate street editors Harrison “Head Fellow” Blackman ’17 Jennifer “BYP” Shyue ’17 associate photo editors Gabriella “Chris” Chu ’18 Grace “Ferri” Jeon ’17 associate chief copy editors Chamsi “MonkeyAdorable” Hssaine ’16 Alexander “THOT” Schindele-Murayama ’16 editorial board chair Jeffrey “Abstinence” Leibenhaut ’16 Cartoons Editor Terry “Jeopardy” O’Shea ’16

Forget meng – there’s a deadlier affliction we should fear Sarah Sakha

senior columnist

The bubonic plague, swine flu, ebola, meng — it never ends. There is always some scourge to hide from, to escape. And now, the most horrific condition is pervading society: introversion.

There are only so many hours a person can spend alone, primarily on the Internet, namely on Tumblr, Reddit, YouTube or Netflix. People are meant to be social creatures, and that entails interacting with other humans, not a computer screen, for hours on end.

Introverts say they need time away from other people to “recharge” and “decompress,” but that’s pretext for their withdrawal from society.

At the core of this lies a deep-seated hatred for people. (They tolerate animals, but even that is questionable.)

This perpetuates a negative feedback loop; the more hate for others, the more hate for oneself, which in turn only amplifies the hate for others, in an ostensibly inescapable cycle.

Thus, it is only natural that social interaction would serve no use to them.

What kind of people are they?

How can they even function in society?

But don’t be fooled: “introvert” is merely a politically correct term used by liberals to conceal and sugarcoat anti-social, misanthropic behavior.

Let’s call it how it is and stop being so sensitive. The language police are impeding discourse and precluding any chance to seek help and stop the

spread of introversion, before it gets any graver.

How do we stop introversion?

First, look for warning signs: receiving “INTJ” on the Myers-Briggs personality test, getting sorted into “Ravenclaw” over “Gryffindor,” evading Goldman Sachs networking events, never or barely speaking up in precept, choosing to Netflix over going to the Street, or enjoying the humanities. Second, invite an introvert to a party – and make sure they at least make an appearance. Third, act. Counter their number one approach to social situations – escape.

Once they slip away from a group of happily-chattering individuals, ensnare them; this way, you can help contain the problem. And finally, make them into an extrovert.

Change them, before it’s too late.

Introverts may very well rule the world one day with their secret plan, and world domination of this nature is not a feasible option for society.

Their quiet influence and power is no more than contagion which must be eradicated. They’re constantly watching, listening, scheming — it’s only time for them to rise to the top, silently and stealthily.

However, their rise can be quelled by extroverts. Introverts may cry wolf, citing oppression. But this is simply a much-needed intervention, altruistically saving them from their own company so that they too can engage in small talk and go into finance or public policy.

Sarah Sakha is a sophomore from Scottsdale, Ariz. She can be reached at ssakha@princeton.edu.

Sweating in December Azza Cohen columnist

There are supposedly a lot of reasons to believe in climate change, but honestly, none of them ever really sold me. I’m not a scientist, but I got the feeling that this was one big conspiracy theory orchestrated by Obama and the Left. However, this December made me think — could climate change actually be happening?

It started as a normal Sunday morning, Dec. 13. I decided to go for a walk outside. As I stepped outside, the brisk air I expected … wasn’t. I spotted runners wearing tank tops; students had swapped their snow boots for shorts. As I started jogging too, I realized I was sweating. Sweating in December. That is ridiculous.

This dystopic December has forced me to do some research. If the high on Christmas Eve in Princeton, N.J. is 72 degrees, well, something must be wrong.

According to NASA’s comparison of atmospheric samples, carbon dioxide levels have been increasing steadily since the Industrial Revolution. In the past 650,000 years, the level has never reached as high as it is today. The global sea level has risen 17 centimeters in the last century.

Global temperatures have continued to rise since 1880, and the alarming part is that from 2007-09, the Earth experienced a decline in solar output, but the temperature still continued to rise. The oceans

have been getting warmer, the ice sheets in Greenland and Antarctica have decreased in mass, glaciers around the world are running away.

Across the United States, cities and states have been hitting record high temperatures and f loods.

Some people had mentioned El Niño as a reason against climate change. El Niño is natural, and also affects the temperature of the oceans, with warm water coming to the surface. In the most recent cycle, the air temperature rise brief ly f lattened during El Niño, so some scientists argued this was an indicator of the end of global warming. It isn’t. Human activity is unequivocally responsible for increasing the atmosphere’s load of carbon dioxide by more than 40 percent since the Industrial Revolution.

I used to think that climate change was not happening because the winters kept getting colder. How can there be a global warming if also the winters are worse? My younger sister saw more snow days than I had, hence global cooling.

There was science, too, to back up my inkling that “climate change” was just a scheme. The Earth’s climate has cycled throughout history — with and without humans. Most of these changes have been attributed to small variations in Earth’s orbit, which changes the amount of solar energy the planet receives, therefore changing global temperatures. As William Happer has written,

“CO2 is not a pollutant. Life on earth f lourished for hundreds of millions of years at much higher CO2 levels than we see today … warming and other supposedly harmful effects of CO2 have been greatly exaggerated.” If a Princeton professor wrote it, it’s true. So I thought carbon dioxide was a great thing.

The debate over climate change is both rooted in and causing economic debate: Some standards might rein in economic activity, but for the benefit of both planet and people. But that is not where the economic debate ends — that is the beginning.

The countries affected most by climate change are those already at an economic disadvantage: Infectious disease is killing coffee plants across Guatemala, Costa Rica and Honduras; f loods are drowning and displacing one-fifth of Pakistan, the strongest typhoon in history affected 11.3 million people in the Philippines.

Believe me, I would rather not believe in global warming. It was so much simpler for me to deny scientists and their questionable statistics.

Even if all those climate scientists are wrong, I’ve realized that even if my opinion changes, it will already be too late.

Then again, it’s 43 degrees in Princeton today. So maybe it isn’t happening after all.

Azza Cohen is a history major from Highland Park, Ill. She can be reached at accohen@princeton. edu.

Friday january 8, 2016

Dean faints after seeing two team captains DUEL

Continued from page 1

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great sacrifices,” Shot said.

“People need to learn to take our water pistols seriously, especially since bullets are not allowed due to the noweapons policy.”

Minion said that Pokeme and Shot both tied for first place, as they had only gained the freshman fifteen pounds, while other captains had gained freshman fifty.

“Since neither of them wanted to split the $2 reward,” Minion said, “they decided to duel for the voting ladies’ affection instead.”

The duel lasted for seven minutes, as Shot shot Pokeme in the forehead and Pokeme poked Shot’s eye out. Dean Electrick Shocked ’19 fainted at the sight of the bloodied captains when they were sent to her for disciplinary action.

The Daily Princetonian

The Club Sports fund allocation is currently being used for her treatment.

Details of the entire fight are available on Yik Yak from a person, allegedly Shocked, who was deeply traumatized by the duel.

Shot’s poked eye will soon be replaced by a glass eye which will affect his aim, an angry Facebook post from him published late Thursday afternoon said.

“Oh, it’s going to be an eye for an eye all right,” Shot wrote in the post, “Youcant better watch out.”

Pokeme said that he would rather not see any harm befall himself, and has been spotted in laboratory protective eye wear since Thursday.

Shocked should make a full physical recovery, according to doctors at McCrush Health Center. Full mental health recovery, however, is not expected.

Bradley’s return to generate excitement BRADLEY Continued from page 1

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eton student.” Steele said enthusiastically.

Steele has been one of the main proponents of bringing Bradley back to campus, and has begun selling Bradleythemed merchandise — from T-shirts to bobbleheads — in order to generate excitement around the revolutionary

move.

While questions of the legality of the situation have arisen, NCAA CEO Mark Emmert has assured us that he’ll be willing to turn a blind eye to the situation.

“Who’s not going to tune into the 72-year-old tearing it up in college athletics?”

Emmert asked incredulously.

“We’re talking big bucks, and at the end of the day, that’s what it’s all about.”

U. fans strong enough to generate 28 mph wind RYAN

Continued from page 1

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dirty laundry were reported missing.

Last Sunday, Jan. 3, the Jets faced off against the Bills with winds gusting up to 28 miles per hour. The night before, Eisgruber, an avid Jets fan, camped out in front of the Ralph Wilson Stadium in Orchard Park, N.Y., in order to secure a prime tailgate spot for the next day. Eisgruber claimed to have seen the former University squatter with what appeared to be the stolen fans.

“There were a number of what looked like Bills players gathered around a fire, burning Jets paraphernalia and painting what appeared to be the stolen black and

orange industrial grade fans with blue paint. They just kept repeating, over and over, ‘Rex means king.’ It was all very upsetting. You think you know someone, you feed them three meals a day, and they go and turn an NFL team into a cult,” Eisgruber said.

The following day, fans were spotted around the top of the Ralph Wilson Stadium, and are thought to be what caused the strong winds that gave both teams so much trouble.

When contacted, Ryan denied what he called “untrue accusations,” and voiced disappointment over Eisgruber’s allegations. “That guy was my best friend. He picked me up when I was down and listened to everything I had to say. It hurts me, you know?”

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: The Daily Princetonian is published daily except Saturday and Sunday from September through May and three times a week during January and May by The Daily Princetonian Publishing Company, Inc., 48 University Place, Princeton, N.J. 08540. Mailing address: P.O. Box 469, Princeton, N.J. 08542. Subscription rates: Mailed in the United States $175.00 per year, $90.00 per semester. Office hours: Sunday through Friday, 1:30 p.m. to 4:30 p.m. Telephones: Business: 609-375-8553; News and Editorial: 609-258-3632. For tips, email news@dailyprincetonian.com. Reproduction of any material in this newspaper without expressed permission of The Daily Princetonian Publishing Company, Inc., is strictly prohibited. Copyright 2015, The Daily Princetonian Publishing Company, Inc. POSTMASTER: Send address changes to The Daily Princetonian, P.O. Box 469, Princeton, N.J. 08542.

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page 5

NATALIA CHEN:: PHOTO EDITOR

The Field Hockey team would consider attaching ankle weights to players’ feet to make games fairer.

Years of winning makes Field Hockey boring to team’s coach, sports writers FIELD HOCKEY Continued from page 1

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long time coming.

“It’s best for the sport if there’s not one juggernaut year in and year out,” Marcoux said.

“Variety is the spice of life, and right now the race for the league title is about as bland as white rice.”

Miles Hinson ’17 said that, should the change actually

be approved, it will definitely make for interesting articles from here on out.

“Do you know how hard it is to write interesting articles when teams keeping winning each and every season?” Hinson lamented. “It’d be really nice to have a fluctuating storyline to follow year in and year out.”

Hinson is the outgoing sports editor for The Daily Princetonian.

While it is still up for debate

which changes will be enacted, it’s clear that there must be a shakeup to make the field more level for the other Ivies.

“We’re also considering simply adding more teams into our league, just so it feels a little more dramatic when we win first place again,” Holmes said.

Alternative measures have included giving the other teams a two-goal handicap, or having the Tigers play with ankle weights chained to their feet.

Banghart: Newspaper production irrelevant in winning Dodgeball BANGHART Continued from page 1

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better than Coach Banghart,” Anna Mazarakis ’16 said. “Between winning the Naismith award and her team’s performance last year, she was the obvious choice to help us turn this team into champions.”

Mazarakis is the outgoing Editor-In-Chief of the ‘Prince.’

Banghart enters this role realizing she is not working with many offensive weapons. The ‘Prince’ has struggled mightily in previous years at recruiting top dodgeball talent, and many of the current members have been left dejected at the thought of being blown out in the tournament once more.

Seeing the difficulty of the situation, Banghart intends to use unique and untested meth-

ods to turn this team into a winning program. She says much of her training for this team has been inspired by the hit movie “Dodgeball.”

“They’ll be waking up at 5:30 a.m., and begin the day with two hours of dodging wrenches,” Banghart said. “This will be followed by an hour of weightlifting. The second workout of the day, beginning at 4:30 p.m., will consist of three hours of sprints, followed by another round of weightlifting.”

When questioned how ‘Prince’ staffers would have the time to actually produce the newspaper itself, Banghart dismissed such concerns as irrelevant.

“Here are the options — pass your classes, produce a newspaper, win a dodgeball tournament. There’s only enough time in the day for two,” Banghart

said.

Indeed, this issue of the ‘Prince’ will actually be the last one until the fall semester, because the staff will be busy getting swole to take down the football team.

Despite their newfound commitment to dodgeball, the ‘Prince’ staff knows that they will continue to be overlooked in the tournament.

“It’s been an uphill battle — we’re still definitely the underdogs,” Tom Pham ’17 said, “but I know I’m ready to make the commitment to the ‘Prince,’ and I think that the rest of these guys are too.”

Pham is the outgoing sports editor for the ‘Prince.’

“It’s going to be amazing, though,” Pham said. “I can’t wait to get back out there in April and show them what we’ve got.”

Sprint football wins first game in 100 years, to face teenagers again The sprint football team recently ended a losing streak of 100 years in a specially scheduled off-season showdown extravaganza.

It was clear from the very beginning that this would be no ordinary game for the Tigers. For the first time in nearly a decade, the team scored a touchdown in the first 20 seconds of the game, returning the kickoff for a 6-0 initial lead after failing to convert for the extra point. They maintained this six-point lead for the remainder of the first half, trading touchdowns with the opposing team approximately every minute as the defensive lines scrambled to find the ball. With defense utterly de-

moralized, the half ended 111105.

As the Lobster Club finished its halftime show, the Tigers returned to the field looking more determined than ever.

Having just finished listening to a motivational speech, the Princeton offense channeled its inner strength for good, completing its first pass over 10 yards in nearly 3 years. However, the opposing defense, having successfully figured out what a football looks like, rallied to stop the Tigers’ drive for the end zone. The next 28 minutes saw the two teams duking it out 10 yards on either side of the 50-yard line, with no points scored.

Then, tragedy stuck: the op-

posing quarterback faked a handoff and ran the ball himself for a touchdown, running between the legs of Princeton’s defensive line. The score now stood at 111-112, with 60 seconds left on the clock. In a stroke of brilliance, senior quarterback Nickel Bach threw the ball directly over the opposing safety, who jumped in the air to catch it and was immediately alleyooped into his own end zone, resulting in a 2-point safety.

Final score: 113-112 Princeton.

The Tigers will face the John Witherspoon Middle School team again in approximately five years, when their students are finally old enough to play college football.

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Sports

Friday january 8, 2016

page 6

{ www.dailyprincetonian.com } A TRUE UNDERDOG STORY

RETURN OF THE KING

Bill Bradley ’65 to become a Tiger yet again

NATALIA CHEN:: PHOTO EDITOR

Basketball coach Courtney Banghart plans to bring victory to the Daily Princetonian dodgeball team.

Banghart to coach ‘Prince’ in dodgeball

After achieving stratospheric success in the realm of basketball during the 2014-15 season, women’s basketball head coach Courtney Banghart has decided to part ways from the team she took to a 31-1 record last season. She has signed a contract to begin coaching The Daily Princetonian dodgeball team in preparation for the

annual University Dodgeball Tournament this coming April.

“After seeing the heights my team achieved last year, it’s quite probable they could get to the NCAA tournament without any coaching at all,” Banghart explained. “It was time for me to take my talents to where they were needed most.”

Few cases could be more piti-

A BETRAYED FRIENDSHIP

ful than the ‘Prince’ dodgeball team, which was mercilessly mauled in the first round of the 2015 tournament by the Princeton football team. After hitting no more than five players, the ‘Prince’ leadership understood it needed to revamp its squad to be competitive down the line.

“You really can’t do much See BANGHART page 5

After celebrating his 50th Reunion this past May, former men’s basketball star Bill Bradley ’65 decided he missed his beloved “Old Nassau” far too much to remain away for long. After much deliberation and discussion with his loved ones, Bradley has decided to return to Princeton for four more years, where he plans to star not just on the basketball court, but also on the football field.

“After falling in the Final Four of the 1965 NCAA Final Four, I realized I still had unfinished business as a Tiger,” Bradley explained. “I contacted Coach Mitch Henderson [’98], and he said he’d be more than happy to take me on. At that point, I said, “What the hell, I killed it on the basketball court, who says I can’t dominate every one there is?”

Even at the age of 72, Bradley seems as eager as anyone to get back in the f low of NCAA athletics. One of the most decorated athletes in Princeton history, the man tore it up even after his time as a Tiger as well, earning two titles with the New York Knicks in 1970 and 1973.

At 6 feet 5 inches, with incredible limberness and vision for a man his age, Bradley will make an invaluable asset no matter what position he plays. Indeed, one sport he’s had his eye on since his last stint at Princeton was the football team, where he looks to make an impact as a backup quarterback.

“Having a talent like Bill Bradley will really make an impact as we look to bounce back strong next fall.” Football head coach Bob Surace ’90 explained. “I also use like three quarterbacks a game — what’s wrong with adding one more to the mix?”

The student body was more than eager to see Bradley bring his brilliance to his old stomping ground. Due to his accolades, he’s already been given various monikers such as “Baller Bill,” “Rad-ley Bradley,” and “Hotline Billing”.

Senior Andrew Steele said he’s never hoped for anything more than to see Bradley playing again for Princeton.

“Bill Bradley is more than a man, he’s an idol and an example of the perfect PrincSee BRADLEY page 5

D U E L O F FAT E

Ryan uses stolen U. Fencing, rifle teams duel for fans to beat Jets limited club sports funds Last week, the New York Jets fell to the Buffalo Bills under excessively strong winds, believed to be generated by fans stolen from the University by former Jets head coach, Rex Ryan.

One year ago, Ryan was found to be camping out in Princeton Stadium, living in a small shanty made out of tackling dummies and scarves, sticking pins into Mark Sanchez voodoo dolls, all while University President Christopher Eisgruber ’83 brought him three meals each day and listened to profanity-laced tirades against

various members of the Jets organization. Just days after The Daily Princetonian reported on the situation, Ryan was hired by the Bills to be their new head coach.

The day after he was hired, an eyewitness reported something resembling a Sasquatch dressed in blue, red and white running through the stadium parking lot, loading what looked like orange and black industrial grade fans into the back of a van. Later that day, the industrial grade fans that the football team uses to dry See RYAN page 5

Youcant Pokeme ’18, captain of the University club fencing team and Big Shot ’18, captain of the University rif le shooting team, were severely injured in a duel that occurred on Wednesday.

The duel occurred as a result of the new club sports fund allocation, according to Director of Club Sports Cind Erella. The fund allocation system now requires all captains to perform ramp walks in swimsuits for Erella and her minions on the Club Sports Executive Council. Ev-

ery vote is translated to one cent and the person with the maximum votes is given a bonus of $2.

Erella was unavailable for comment as it was past midnight.

One of her minions, who is anonymous for safety reasons, said that the ramp walk was instated this year as the Club Sports budget was increased from $5 for 37 teams to $7.

“We needed to allocated the money to the most deserving team,” minion explained,

“and which team is more deserving of a sports award than the one with the best bodies?”

Pokeme said that he had been preparing for the walk for months since his club needed the money to buy bandaids to stop the bleeding from the holes they poked in each other.

Shot said that he worked for the allocation for two months with a diet of only two late meal burritos a day.

“Nobody understands my See DUEL page 5

T O O G O O D F O R Y ’A L L

Field Hockey to give other teams a chance After another dominant season in Ivy League play, the field hockey team came to a realization that it was actually just too good for the rest of the Ivies to handle, and as such will be forced to make provisions to actually give the other Ivy League teams a chance during league play.

“It feels amazing after the first few seasons of crushing, but afterwards it starts to feel a little boring.” field hockey head coach Kristen Holmes explained. “It’d be really great to shake things up and add a little more competition to the league.”

The team has gone 27-1 during league play in the last four years, with a 7-0 performance in the 2015 season. They earned themselves a national championship in the 2012 season to boot. It’s safe to say that they’ve had more than their fair share of beating down on their fellow teams from the Ancient 8. The main idea proposed has been to force Princeton to have only three players on the field at a time.

Director of Athletics Mollie Marcoux ’91 said that the move might be beneficial for all involved, and has indeed been a See FIELD HOCKEY page 5

Tweet of the Day “Doot Doot” alex “thot” schindele (@ therealalexschindele), mvp, men’s volleyball

NATALIA CHEN:: PHOTO EDITOR

The fencing and rifle teams dueled for club funding, but there were no winners.

Stat of the Day

0 The Daily Princetonian’s chance of winning the dodgeball tournament in the spring.

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