14 NEWS
THURSDAY, JANUARY 14, 2016
Copy Editors
Best style
Lucien
Sunny Chen Sunny may seem nice and innocent, but in actuality, she thinks she’s better than everyone else. Until recently, she refused to give anyone hugs. She gave them as “gifts” to people on only the most special of occasions. Being a human sometimes disgust her so much that she’ll start acting like a cat or hamster instead. Much more honorable creatures. Not much is known about this quiet Ohioan Penngineer, but a source (aka, her boy toy) told us that if you ever see her absorbed in her laptop during class, she is most likely browsing the Neopets dailies. Gotta get those free Neopoint packs, y’know? She is also awful at elephant impressions — elephants don’t say elephant, okay? Activities: Neopets Lovers Society, stressing out over engineering “Meow.” - Sunny, so we’ve heard
Lucien can be described in three words: Wharton, Wharton, and Wharton. When he’s not in a GSR or in the office, he can usually be found napping anywhere and everywhere. He once fell asleep during class, and everyone left him behind. This Hong Kong native has a big mouth. His vocal prowess is unsurprising considering that in high school he was the WORLD CHAMPION in interpretive reading. (There’s a video. You’re welcome). He uses this talent in several ways, whether it be calling articles “literally toilet paper” so loudly that the entire office can hear him or giving a rousing rendition of “Fifty Shades of Grey” (Also recorded. You’re welcome.) He calls cheese whiz and Go-Gurt disgusting American inventions, but calls Sriracha “man’s greatest invention.” In his free time, he likes “rolling” around on high rise field. Activities: complaining about America, Nappers Anonymous, “Is My Sweater Too Red” Society “I don’t make love. I f*ck. Hard.” - Christian Grey
Street Design Editors
Biggest sweet tooth Michelle Terng When Michelle “Shelle” Terng isn’t busy being the president of the Grant Gustin Fan Club, she’s out getting Starbucks and getting her name spelled just a little bit off. Her many achievements include getting first place in hiding-embarrassingsecrets-about-yourself. The only time you can catch her not being 100 percent graceful is when she’s faced with her one true enemy: doors. Do you push?? Do you pull??? Who knows. Don’t be fooled by her innocent demeanor — ask her about the time she ran from the cops. Activities: National Sweets Society, following photography portfolio guidelines “How are you not cold? It’s like 70 degrees right now.” - Michelle at some point, probably
Biggest hair
Remi Lederman & Jeffrey Yang Jeffrey and Remi may look like innocent freshmen chock-full of InDesign shortcuts, but if you know one thing about them, you know they are actually stealthy, conniving little weasels. Do you know why their hair is so big? It’s full of freaking secrets. While the other Street editors spend the majority of their waking hours in the office 1) gossiping, 2) crying about their love lives, 3) eating Snyder’s butter snaps and 4) wreaking havoc, babies Jeffrey and Remi sit, smirk and silently collect the deepest darkest secrets of every staff member, categorizing them into a vaulted file cabinet and plotting their supreme revenge on staff for eating most of the pretzels. Critics are skeptical of what damage their tiny freshman hands could really do with these soul-splitting morsels of gossip, but it is rumored that just in case, previous editors will be locking them into the Street office for the spring semester. Activities: Hairy Potter Club, Chewbaca Appreciation Society Volunteers, Scissoring, EHairmony “Hair I am, once again. I’m falling to pieces (in the salon).” -Kelly Clarkson
Most likely to adopt 10 cats Kristen Grabarz
After years of communicating through strategic hissing and eating mostly with her face, Kristen is ready to take on 10 cats. The serial monogamist first began chasing thunderbolts when she met a man who understood how to make a woman... precipitate. Though that young love dried up, things took a more dramatic turn than in “Store Hold Up With LEGOS” after one fateful date night. While her current bae may be busy playin COD on the reg, he’s not too tied up to stop her from vehemently harassing DJs that won’t play the remix to Ignition. The two may seem like siblings when they go out, but they’re no Lannister twins. Passersby can hear them roar in Central Park and on certain off-campus rooftops. Though these animals may take some time away from her Snapchatting, she’ll never give up her ziploc bags filled with rum.
Analytics Editor
Activities: Island Affairs Association, El Nino Enthusiasts Club, Pudding Lovers United *hissing noise*
Steak, Chicken, Shrimp & Grilled Vegetables
Most dramatic
Lucien Wang
Sunny
Weekly Editor
THE DAILY PENNSYLVANIAN | THEDP.COM
Isabel Kim
Isabel Kim is a pretentious bastard. Or so she says. Isabel Kim is a potato chip. Or so she says. Isabel Kim is the wind. Or so. She. Says. When not writing crazed descriptions about herself on the internet, Isabel spends her time pretending she’s not any good at art and actually creating bomb ass murals and other works of greatness. Rumor has it that she does “crazy things” with her friends, but most were apparently too crazy to report. Like any self respecting individual, she will binge-watch Netflix, but she never takes a long enough break to learn how to ride a f*cking bike.
Opinion Editor
Advertising Manager
Most persuasive
Activities: Occasionally being a human being “We’re datingish, I think” - The dream she had one night when she was 12 years old that she only vaguely remembered with the indistinct memories of youth
Most likely to succeed
Saumya Khaitan When it comes to Saumya Khaitan, you better be careful if you don’t want to be wrapped around her finger. Joining the 132nd Board as the DP’s new Advertising Manager, Saumya will be hitting the streets of Philadelphia to show you who’s boss. You may recognize her from hanging around the DP office or the Student Federal Credit Union, but don’t be fooled — Saumya’s got a few, ΣNaky tricks up her sleeve. When she’s not trying to sell you on a new way to improve your business or teaching one of her advertising representatives to do the same, rumor has it that Saumya likes to bond with other members of her department in a much more … personal way. But hey, we don’t want to give too much about her methods away. We’ll just let her results speak for themselves … Activities: Balancing “sheets,” providing “service” Quote: “Cheese is love. Cheese is life.”
Business Analytics Manager
DP High’s secret weapon, Megha Agarwal, is here to win. It’s clear why: This Finance superstar hits the books even when her main hang Huntsman is closed, is regularly quoted by PPI and even worked at your boy Barack’s house. Her department didn’t even exist last semester, so success is in her veins. She’s been highkey called the mom of the group, but the insiders at DP High know the lowkey story: she’s not a regular mom, she’s a cool mom (no, not actually a mom; that’s her younger brother). Maybe a little too cool, if you ask some men in uniform on a certain metro ride this summer or the DFMO in which she basically became an acrobat. She may have some weaknesses (nerdy white guys, anyone?), but hey, those deets are safe with us. After all, what’s work with no play? It’s the work hard, play hard life for this main bae. Activities: The Illuminati Quote: “That’s why her hair is so big, it’s full of secrets!” – people about Megha, probably.
Most likely to survive the hunger games DPICT Director
Street Photo Director
Most eligible bachelor
Megha Agarwal
Briella Meglio
Clocking in at a smidge above five feet, Briella Meglio is a force to be reckoned with. She’ll be joining the 132nd Board as the Director of Internal Consulting, but you’ve probably seen her hanging around the front office or selling ads to local businesses. That, or you’ve been subject to her tact in some form or another, known or unknown. Make sure to keep your belongings close when it comes to Briella, because if this resourceful new board member sees something she likes, all bets are off. Don’t be too afraid of her though (street name: Breezus) — she knows how to have a good time. Word on the street is, she had a little too much fun at the ZBT house over Labor Day weekend. But hey, the creative mind knows no bounds. Activities: Talking for all to hear, acting taller than she actually is, making money Quote: “I just talked to Jesus / He said, ‘What up, Breezus?’ - Yeezus
Most likely to join the CIA
Corey Fader Corey Fader makes panties drop because he knows what’s going on with female anatomy. Let me, your faithful Yearbook Editor, escort you through a night with Mr. Fader. First, Corey takes the ladies on a scenic hoverboard ride to his Radian pad, where treats them to a pizza of his liking (read: cheese). Then, he feeds them the milk of fake teets — which is tequila. The sexual touching progresses when he strokes their egos with his casual Cole Haans. Next, Corey demonstrates his proficiency with a jumbo tampon. And as a final souvenir, ladies can relive the entire night’s action with Corey’s homemade drone videos/softCore(y) porn. This is why Corey Fader can’t walk through Huntsman without kisses from at least 132 of his girlfriends.
Andrew Fischer has a lot of arcane knowledge about computers. As the new Director of Online Projects, he can talk at the DP, using computer jargon words that nobody knows, for hours. Describing himself as “not that great at front end,” he is really great at front end. He set up two monitors at his desk and looks like he is always working on something complicated. We have equal hope for him as the organizer of pizza delivery to the Daily Pennsylvanian. There has been a great drought of pizza feeding the editors of our newspaper, and we certainly hope that the pizza can flow once more. This probably should be his top priority.
Activities: The Vagina Monologues Apprentice, Women’s Crew coxswain “I just f*cked your b*tch in some Gucci flip flops.” -Future
Activities: Lauren Feiner’s Jewish Youth Group “If you let my daughter go now that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you, but if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will make you download Slack.” -Liam Neeson
Tequila-Fired Fajita Night DJ | 10PM-2AM
Andrew Fischer
Director of Online Projects
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