Bloom by Daily News-Record

celebrating Valley women

Mind over matter Perspective is everything.

Hot health tip Sunshine has real benefits

Downtown diva

Suzi Carter moves Harrisonburg forward

Summer 2013

INSIDE BLOOM

THIS ISSUE

Networking know-how Career advancement at your fingertips.

p. 11

Get serious about play

The Friendly City has a friend

As Harrisonburg grows, Suzi Carter has made it her mission to offer residents culture, community — and lots of commitment.

Smile more to feel better.

p. 28

Get grilling

your FASHION Summer duds keep it cool. p. 5

your HEALTH Soak up the sun.

p. 15

your BEAUTY Pretty up your peepers.

your SPIRITUALITY Positivity is powerful.

p. 18

p. 7

Go ahead! Jump feet-first into the fire.

p. 33 your RELATIONSHIPS Bipolar: its ups and downs. p. 9

your HOME Give clutter SPACE.

your MONEY Single moms do it all.

your VIEWPOINT Maternal? Not so much. p. 37

Summer’s here, which is fitting because this issue is all about fun! Growing up, I often heard “It’s easier to be bad than good.” Turns out, it’s also easier to be negative than positive. Whether we are hard-wired for the doldrums or naturally upbeat, turning our thoughts to what can be — instead of what isn’t — can help us reach our goals. So, why not try? To find out how negative thoughts can crowd out positive ones, give “Does your cup runneth over?” (p. 18) a read. Perspective is everything, so start sending some good vibrations your own way. Christina Kunkle offers more sound advice this issue (“Get serious about having fun!,” p. 28) with her call to recess. Who says kids get to have all the kicks? Experts say play is important to maintaining both a positive

p. 13

p. 31

outlook and an opportunity to recharge. Come on, ladies! Let’s live a little! To all our Bloom readers, thank you for your support during what’s been a wonderful couple years as this magazine’s editor. Unfortunately, the time has come for me to move on, but I am passing the torch to Kate Kersey, assistant editor, who will carry on the mission of celebrating women. As always, your comments are key to keeping Bloom at its best. So, please keep sharing. Summer’s here — and the time is right! Get out and seek the light! Thanks for reading and keep Blooming! Alicia Rimel Editor

Bloom Staff

Alicia Rimel, editor Kate Kersey, assistant editor Samantha Cole, staff writer Sarah Stacy, staff writer Katie King, staff writer Timothy Schumacher, staff writer

Contributors

Christina Kunkle, columnist Luanne Austin, freelance writer

Account Executives

Kim Potter & Sara Schu

For advertising information, contact Kim Potter at 574-6224 or kpotter@dnronline.com, or Sara Schu at 574-6227 or sschu@dnronline.com. Bloom is a publication of Rockingham Publishing Co., Inc. Copyright © 2012 Rockingham Publishing Co., Inc. 231 S. Liberty St. Harrisonburg, VA 22801

your FASHION

ticky summer weather can be dreadful, but

that doesn’t mean your wardrobe has to be.

Here, owners of downtown

Harrisonburg shops offer blooming fashion trends and simple tips for

looking great while beating the heat.

Sizzling style

ARTICLE BY SARAH STACY

PHOTOGRAPHY BY NIKKI FOX & MICHAEL REILLY

The first rule? Reach for items that float away from the body. Dresses are hot sellers at most downtown clothing shops this season. One reason for their popularity is the wide range of styles — from the staple maxi to the popular high-low dress (short in front, long in back). “I like anything that you can throw on — that’s loose and flowy — with a pair of boots,” said Anna Pelletier, owner of Mint. “It’s an easy go-to style.” Her favorites are the maxi-dress and maxiskirt, which let the skin breathe — one of the best ways to stay cool. There are many ways to wear the maxi, Pelletier says. At the hottest times of day, the dress can be worn alone or, when it cools off at night, with a cardigan or jacket. “[T]hrow [a maxi skirt] on with a tank top,” she said. Or put “a sweatshirt on and you still look cute.” Bright colors and flowy fabrics are just a couple choices that can help you keep your cool this summer.

A breathable summer dress in bold turquoise is the perfect summer style, according to local boutique owners. Here, Victoria Watson models clothing from Mint in downtown Harrisonburg.

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Turn to accessories to cement the style. While the summer heat may by daunting, bold choices shouldn’t be. “A lot of bold, floral, geometric prints have been selling really well for us,” said Greer Johnson, owner of Duo. Think bright dresses, sheer-patterned tops and colorful jeans. Denim may not be the first style choice for warm weather, but jeans are a casual way to brighten up your summertime wardrobe. “Jeans are so universal for year-round,” said Samantha Miller, Duo store manager. She suggests wearing a lighter top with a colorful or white jean, paired with statement jewelry to pull the look together. “If you’re going to wear jeans, just do something more fun or colorful,” Johnson said. “They’re cute cropped or rolled up.” Or go for a jean short. However you decide to wear them, summer is the perfect time to brighten up with bold colors, patterns and prints.

Color me bright

Reach for eye-catching prints and patterns this summer, such as this vibrant top from downtown’s The Yellow Button. Paired with a pleated salmon skirt, the outfit transitions from day to night by adding a jean jacket.

For comfort in the heat, the right fabric is important. “Breathable fabrics are the key to staying cool while looking hot,” said Miranda Lancaster, owner of The Yellow Button. She suggests reaching for cotton, linen and silk pieces. Comfort in the summer means transitioning from day to night and outdoors to in. For Lancaster, a jean jacket is the answer. “I hate when you are wearing a dress or tank and everywhere you go has AC blasting,” she said. “Having a jean jacket [on hand] will keep you from shivering during your meal or while [running to the store].” As for your feet, stay comfortable in sandals. Everyone should invest in a “classic pair of brown sandals,” Lancaster said. “You can wear them with dresses, jeans, linen pants and almost any summer outfit.” Flowy dresses, bright colors and breathable fabrics: Follow these sizzling summer trends and you will beat the heat while still looking hot.

It’s all about comfort

Everyone’s go-to garmet, denim is a “year-round” style choice. For summer, choose bright colors, paired with a top in a lighter shade, such as this look from Duo.

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Summer 2013

ARTICLE BY KATIE KING

your BEAUTY

Pamper your

peepers

yes may be the window to the soul, but unfortunately, it doesn’t take much to leave them looking a mess. This summer, keep your lids looking polished by following

advice from some of the Valley’s makeup specialists.

According to JohnnaLea Backus, owner she explained. of Smooth Day Spa in Penn Laird, women who want to draw attention to their eyes A lesson in lashes should start by applying a lid primer to According to Backus, the next step — keep shadow in place. mascara application — seems to irritate Before purchasing, Backus advised, be many women. sure to test the primer on your hand. “Mascara is probably the most frustrat“When you put it on your fingers, it ing [makeup product] for everyone,” she should feel very satiny. If it feels sticky, it remarked. “[Many women] complain that will clump,” she said. they put it on and then, before too long, it’s After allowing the lid primer to dry, under their eyes.” Backus says to draw a thin For those who have line of eyeliner across the trouble keeping mascara in What’s your shade? full length of the upper lid. place, she suggests trying a For the under lid, draw the For Blue Eyes: pink and gray volumizing type, which — For Green Eyes: brown line only halfway across, unlike the lengthening kind For Brown Eyes: Amethyst — has a “waxy consisworking from the outside in, then “blend it really tency” that is less likely to and other purple hues well.” smear. After, apply a “light base color” from For special occasions, or days when the the start of the eyelid to the arch of brow. summer showers or heat provide an extra She suggests trying very pale shades of challenge, water-resistant mascara is the white, pink or yellow. least prone to smudging under the eyes. “Then, you’ll use your accent color on However, due to their tough stay-in-place the crease, which goes from the middle of formulas, Backus warns they “tend to be the eyelid to the outer corner,” she said. drying” with everyday use, and can lead to For accent colors, which should be lash breakage. darker than the base shades, Backus recomAnother cause of lash breakage is sleepmends using a hue that contrasts with your ing in mascara. To keep lashes healthy, eyes. Backus says to always use a product “de“[It] really makes your eye color pop,” signed specifically to take off eye makeup”

On mornings when eyes look puffy, Krystyne Mayes, a makeup artist at The Studio Hair Salon in Harrisonburg, says cucumbers “really do work” thanks to their water and vitamin content.

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before heading to bed. For her customers who are tired of messing with mascara, Backus says she’s had great results tinting eyelashes with vegetable dye. Though the procedure does not lengthen lashes, she claims the darker tinting can really “make eyelashes glow.” Krystyne Mayes, a makeup artist at The Studio Hair Salon in Harrisonburg, says a major key to having beautiful eyes is looking well-rested. “Definitely use a concealer under the eye to get rid of dark circles,” she said. “For really dark circles, use the concealer first, and then apply a brightener, too.” While concealer only covers dark circles, under eye brighteners or illuminators contain light-reflecting properties that help eyes look radiant. On mornings when eyes look puffy, Mayes suggests applying cucumbers over the eyes before applying any makeup. “Cucumbers really do work,” she said, adding that they contain lots of water and vitamins. Additionally, Mayes warns against overloading lids with bold shadows if you’re trying to look refreshed. “Only use the brightest color on the inside corner [of the eyelid],” she advised. To keep all makeup looking fresh throughout hot summer days, Mayes says to dust a translucent oil-absorbing powder over your face. “It soaks up oil throughout the day,” she said. “It definitely helps.”

Looking rested

your RELATIONSHIPS

Ups & downs

Bipolar sufferers talk about living with the disease ARTICLE BY KATIE KING

t a bipolar support group meeting in Harrisonburg, one young woman sobs as she discusses the difficulty her doctors are having finding the correct dosage of medications to treat her disorder. According to the girl, she’s spent months bouncing back and forth between periods of deep depression — during which she can hardly rouse herself awake — and manic episodes characterized by racing thoughts, boundless energy and reckless impulses. Nearing her wit’s end, she admits she’s considering checking herself into the hospital. “I just want it to stop,” she cries. Everyone in the room nods their heads sympathetically. While the older group members’ symptoms are better controlled, they still experience milder fluctuations on a regular basis. Additionally, a hormonal

What is it? Bipolar disorder is a mental illness that causes sufferers to cycle between periods of mania and depression. During manias, people may experience racing thoughts and speech, aggressive or risky behavior, a sense of euphoria or invincibility, excess energy, hyper sexuality and, in extreme cases, delusions. During the periods of depression, symptoms may include fatigue, anxiety, guilt, lack of appetite or suicidal thoughts. There are two types: Bipolar 1: Those with bipolar 1 tend to have longer and more severe periods of mania. Bipolar 2: Those with bipolar 2 tend to have less severe periods of mania, called “hypomania,” but longer periods of depression.

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“It’s a hard disease to treat,” explains the group’s leader Cindy Heatwole. “It can take years to find the right medication and dosage.” With all the stress bipolar disorder adds to one’s life, it’s not surprising that some in the group struggle to maintain healthy, steady relationships. Though there are notable exceptions — such as a man who’s been married 39 years — most members agree that having a mental illness complicates relationships. “We tend to get rid of people pretty fast,” jokes one woman. Group member “Jane Smith” (a pseudonym), a retiree, admits her bipolar 2 disorder has made marriage, and relationships in general, a lifelong challenge. Though her medications have been stable for years, she struggled with her illness for decades before her diagnosis. Years ago, during a hypomanic episode, Smith went out for the evening and met a man with “a good sense of humor.” They immediately started a whirlwind romance, and decided to marry after only three months. Smith says her family tried to convince her to reconsider, but to no avail. “It was hypomania. I was just high and I was going to get married,” she recalled. Afterward, she says, she remained in a fog for months, until she started to “come down” from her hypomanic episode.

Part I: Living with bipolar

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Summer 2013

“

If you’re bipolar

and you get your routine disturbed, you’re more

“

change or a traumatic event can sometimes bring about a relapse.

likely to have a manic or depressed episode.

“I just woke up one day and looked over in bed and thought ‘What have I done?” she said. “I really didn’t even know him.” Though the marriage soon ended in divorce, she still calls him a “nice man” and considers the relationship an improvement from her previous marriage to an abusive husband. Though Smith didn’t realize it at the time, she now believes her disorder made her vulnerable to abusive men. “When you’re down, it’s easier for abusive people to come in and take over,” she points out. Although Smith has been emotionally stable for years, she still nixes the idea of dating again. “I’m afraid to now; I’m afraid I would mess something else up,” she admits, adding that she’s content to spend her days gardening or playing with her grandchildren. According to Dr. Stephanie Heidelberg, a board certified adult psychia-

Part II: Understanding bipolar

trist at Rockingham Memorial Hospital, the medical community is still working to understand what physically occurs in the brain of someone with bipolar. “We’re not really sure,” she says. “We know that some anti-convulsant drugs are helpful, so I would assume that their brain electricity is kind of out-of-whack. What we end up doing is treating by symptom.” It is, however, largely accepted that there is a genetic connection, as the illness tends to run in families. Regardless of the causes, Heidelberg says certain lifestyle changes have been shown to help prevent episodes. “A routine is very important,” she explained. “If you’re bipolar and you get your routine disturbed, you’re more likely to have a manic or depressed episode.” To create a stable environment, she suggests finding a job with steady hours — meaning one with no night work or changing shifts. “Sleep is very important,” she says. Additionally, Heidelberg advises helping your loved one maintain a healthy lifestyle by encouraging them to eat nutritiously, exercise regularly and avoid abusing drugs. The most important way to help your loved one, however, is to ensure they are receiving treatment for their disorder by a qualified psychiatrist. With the right treatment, Heidelberg says people with bipolar can “absolutely” maintain successful careers and positive relationships, and eventually reclaim their lives.

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your CAREER

“W

First impressions are everything Make sure you are making the right one hat’s on your

mind?” Facebook asks. “What’s

happening?” Twitter implores.

LinkedIn sends up little flags that you’ve

been endorsed, connected with or viewed. Somewhere between the pictures of cats

riding rainbows and dozens of photos of

your niece’s cousin’s new baby lies the potential to harness the power of an online presence.

Here, local career and social media ex-

perts comment on connectivity in an oversharing cyberspace.

ARTICLE BY SAMANTHA COLE “First and foremost, [social media is] fun,” says Paula Polglase, social media coordinator for University Communications at James Madison University. Connecting with communities, news and industry leaders with a few keystrokes is a freedom of information job seekers haven’t experienced in decades past. The time to start networking online isn’t when you’re desperately seeking, says Jeff Haden, ghostwriter and LinkedIn Influencer. Start making connections online, while you’re secure, as investments for farther down the career path. Climbing the ladder has

always been about who you know, but how you know the right people is changing. “The way you ‘know people’ now tends to be through social media,” Haden says. One quick Internet search can reveal your potential employer’s personal values, professional values and her own path to the corner office in the sky. “You can find out a lot about a company, the people they interact with and the level of social media savvy they expect from following a company’s social media sites,” Polglase adds. Opting out of social media, Haden says, is ignoring a whole other world of

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potentially valuable contacts. On the other side of the interview, employers are using social media to find their next Employee of the Month. “More than ever, employers are researching candidates online,” says Jen Litwiller, director of career services at Eastern Mennonite University. “Because of this, having a positive online presence is just as important as not having ‘digital dirt.’ ” She cites a few “red flags” from CareerBuilder.com that may qualify as “dirt,” including inappropriate photos, references to alcohol and drugs, and discriminatory remarks. When Polglase asked her hiring colleagues if they check social media websites of candidates, they all said yes. In her office, they research student applicants for internships before hiring. “Checking them out on social media is an easy way to see how they represent themselves,” she says. “Our student interns are trusted members of our team and do the same work that we do, so we have to know that they will represent our office with the utmost integrity.” Positive examples, she says, are signs of involvement in organizations they’re involved in, photos of family and friends and sharing interesting, industry-relevant content. To put yourself in employers’ shoes, do an Internet search on your own full name and see what comes up, says Litwiller. “If you find digital dirt, clean it up immediately. If you’re nowhere to be found, build up your brand.”

Help wanted

Before a serious job hunt — whether it’s been 10 years since your last time applying, or just out of college— even the social media savvy might feel like a whisper in the din of billions of other social networkers: LinkedIn has 225 million users, 66 million blogs live on WordPress, and 500 million total tweeps are typing their two cents. Facebook’s 1.11 billion, then, should come as no surprise. Standing out among the rest involves having a “turf ” to stake, says Haden. “You have to think about what your brand is going to be in the first place ... and put a lot of emphasis on that.” Trying to be all things to all people negates good intentions; instead, think about the niche you hope to fill, and focus on the social network that will best suit. LinkedIn is the number one source of online recruiting, and “the best way to start building a professional online presence,” Litwiller recommends. Once you’ve formed a brand strategy and set up the platform with your own experience, qualifications and accomplishments, don’t stop thinking like a boss. Make meaningful connections out of virtual ones, Haden urges. It’s easier than ever, he says, to reach out and say “How can I help you?” via messages or emails, linking back to your online brand. “It’s not tacky to reach out to people you don’t know ... but the burden is on you to create something real out of that. The whole premise is to give long before you expect to receive,” he says. Social media has made it so easy for everyone to be their own public relations agent, Haden says. “Social media also makes it easier to prove [your worth.]”

Sell your brand

your MONEY

The number of single-parent homes has doubled since the 60â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s. How are moms making it work? wenty-five-year old Alexis starts her preschool teacher. Because of her job, her daughday at 6 a.m. She eats breakfast and

ter is able to stay with her until she leaves at 4:30.

6:45, wakes her 20-month-old

while, then Alexis gives her daughter a bath,

gets herself ready for the day. At

daughter to get out the door by 7:15. Around

7:30, they arrive at West Rockingham Daycare

and Preschool where Alexis spends the day as a

After arriving home, the two play outside for a cooks dinner, reads her a story and puts her to

bed. She does it all again the next day. And she does it by herself.

nurture .guide.

Labor of

ARTICLE BY TIMOTHY SCHUMACHER PHOTOGRAPHY BY NIKKI FOX

Single mom, Alexis, makes ends meet by working at West Rockingham Daycare and Preschool, where her 20-month-old daughter can play while she brings home the bacon. Alexis plans on pursuing her Child Development Associate certificate at Blue Ridge Community College this fall.

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Alexis is one of millions of mothers struggling to provide a life for their children on one income. The number of children living in single-parent homes has nearly doubled since 1960, according to data from the 2010 Census. A total of 15 million children are being raised without a father. “It’s not easy,” Alexis said. “Every day, it’s the same thing. I don’t have any help from my family. Thankfully, I have a support system from my work. I have a lot of people [who] are there for me. I do struggle, but I love my daughter and I love my job and I try to balance it all out to make it work. It’s all about planning and thinking ahead of time.” Alexis said her life has taken a back seat since her daughter

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Summer 2013

was born. “It’s difficult, but it’s not about you anymore. It’s about what’s best for [your kids], providing them with stability and a schedule and making sure you play all those roles. When you are a single mom, it’s like playing the mom role, the father, the teacher, the friend and all responsibility is 10 times more ... ” Surviving on a single paycheck can seem impossible at times. “I just try to work my 40 and, sometimes, I try to work overtime,” Alexis said. “Then, I try to take on things, like I help my daughter’s god mother clean and, in return, she will help with things I might need for my daughter or a couple of extra dollars for my water bill. I also get food stamps and that definitely helps.” This is where working at a day care comes in handy. “That’s the advantage of working here [at the daycare],” she said. “I don’t have a lot of money; I only get minimum wage. So, the advantage of being here is my daughter gets to come with me and I don’t have to pay for day care.” Della Cable, a family support worker for Healthy Families of the Blue Ridge for RMH and a single mom of four, said single moms should look for employment with these types of benefits. “I see working at a day care as a great opportunity for a single mom. I know it doesn’t have the benefits and the income, but being a single parent, it’s not about the money all the time. It’s about the other benefit of being involved in your child’s life.” She also recommends jobs in the school system. “I think any type of job in the school where you can have the summers off is great.” She highly encourages single mothers to go back to school themselves. “I was a parent that went back to school at 40,” she said. “I had two teenagers then.” However, finding the time to study while working full time and raising a child can be a juggling act. “Thinking how I did it back then with my kids, it would be the same for someone with a little child,” Cable said. “My job was 40 hours a week, then I would go to Eastern Mennonite University to do their one-night-a-week adult program. ... You have to figure out when is the best time to study, if you are a morning person you get up early, if you are a night person, then you study at night when your children go to bed. Get ’em to bed at 8 and you will have four hours to study.” Going back to school is what Alexis plans to do. She is working toward her Child Development Associate certificate to become assistant director of the day care. She plans to go Blue Ridge Community College this fall. Her goal is to become a teacher working with autistic children. “When I look back at what I went through growing up, it makes me push myself that much harder because I want to give [my daughter] everything she deserves. I just want to be a good mom and makes sure I do my best. “It’s not easy, but it all ends up being worthwhile in the long run. Everything, every moment being with your child, watching them grow, and watching them learn. It’s just amazing.”

your HEALTH

A bright idea ARTICLE BY SARAH STACY

ith the summer sun shining down, it’s

important to remember to stay protected

from harmful ultraviolet (UV) rays. But Dr.

John Wenger, principal physician at Rockingham

Memorial Hospital Integrative Medicine, which combines conventional and complementary therapies for a whole-

person approach to medicine, encourages us to not forget the benefits of sunshine.

“Because we’ve erred on the side of staying out of the

sun, we see so much vitamin D deficiency,” he said.

Reasonable ray-catching can benefit your health — and wellbeing — says expert

We know that excessive sun exposure can damage the

skin and cause premature aging, as well as put us at risk for skin cancer, but the sun’s rays can be beneficial as well.

Spend time in the sun during the early morning, before 10 a.m., or late afternoon, after 3 or 4 p.m.

Sun exposure during those time frames should be 20 minutes a day. This is a safe time frame for the body to receive appropriate levels of UV rays to stimulate cells in the skin to make vitamins, Wenger said.

According to Dr. Wenger, here’s how you can get the benefits of sunshine, without harming your skin ...

These timed spurts of sun exposure should be without sunscreen. “Sunscreen blocks the UV rays from the sun, which inhibits its ability for the cells to make vitamin D,” he said.

Any of the UV rays can be harmful in longer exposure, so if you plan to remain outside or are out during times when the sun’s rays are most intense, always wear sunscreen and protective clothing or a hat.

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“Carefully timed, shorter exposures at appropriate times of the day are important for us to experience benefits of sun exposure,” Wenger said. Sunshine can help to improve mood and emotions and promote healthy levels of vitamin D, which is important for healthy bones and a healthy immune system. Vitamin D also plays a role in healthy muscle function, Wenger said. “Sun exposure tends to stimulate areas of the brain that produce a sense of well-being,” according to Wenger. “Our bodies naturally live on a sleepwake cycle, so when we’re awake and alert, the sunshine and the bright light tends to stimulate parts of the brain that release neurochemicals that give us a sense of well being.” Follow Dr. Wenger’s suggestions, and soak up the sun’s mood-boosting rays this summer.

your S PIRITUALIT Y

runneth over?

Does your cup ou’ve heard the question before, the one about the glass.

Your answer may reveal a lot about you.

“What we see in our lives has a lot to do with how we see it,” writes Jennifer Kunst, Ph.D., in the March 14, 2012, issue of Psychology Today. “Perspective influences everything.” Kunst and other experts believe that we see ourselves and the world around us through our own “filters.” These are often developed in childhood and are so deeply ingrained we don’t realize we have them. “We think people who see the glass half full are simply annoying and not as evolved as us,” says Joann H. Henderson, MA, LPC, of Broadway. “We become comfortable in our negativity. It is what we know best.” Negative filters impact our happiness and feelings of contentment, she says. Although everyone deals with negative and positive thoughts, certain types of negative thinking are characteristic of women. Ronda Weber, Ph.D. LCSW, of Harrisonburg, says most of us have

Half empty

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Summer 2013

a negative body image. “If I could just lose 10 pounds ... .” “Look at those thunder thighs.” “My nose is too big.” “Women may be nice to everyone but themselves,” says Weber. We are trained to put others’ needs before our own; that includes taking care of others’ emotions while ignoring our own. “It’s habitual,” says Weber. Unfortunately, the negativity does not stay in our heads, but often affects the people around us. “No one enjoys being around someone who is constantly thinking the worst of things, situations and/or others,” Henderson says. “We don’t even enjoy being around ourselves when we get caught up in the vicious cycle of negative thinking.” Weber calls this our “emotional brain,” which is wired by our basic sense of security. As such, negativity must be addressed at the emotional level, not rationally.

half full??

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Y Is i t h a l f e m p t y

ARTICLE BY LUANNE AUSTIN

Can we ever get rid of negative thoughts? “Absolutely,” says Henderson. The first step is to watch for them. Observe your thoughts. “As we become more conscious ... we begin to notice the impact [negative thoughts] have on us, the emotions that arise as we think those thoughts.” Weber seconds the “observer” approach. “I tell clients, ‘How would you counsel someone else dealing with this?’ ” she says. “If you wouldn’t say it to someone else, don’t say it to yourself.” Once you become conscious of the negative thoughts, make them positive. Henderson suggests going to a “place of gratitude” mentally. Sometimes, as women, we wake up and dread the day ahead before getting out of bed, she says. We lay there thinking of all we have to do and all the pain we carry for ourselves, our families and the world.

To half full

When that happens, or any time you start to feel overwhelmed by hurt, worry, rage or grief — right then and there — think of just five things for which you are grateful. It doesn’t even have to be anything big. “It may be remembering that I have a pillow to lay my head on, I have a blanket to snuggle with, I can have a cup of coffee when I arise, I can see the play of light on the wall, my cat is curled snuggly at my feet,” Henderson says.

Gift of gratitude

“As we do this, something inside us begins to shift,” she adds. She suggests starting each day by listing five things for which to be grateful. When gratitude becomes a habit, the dark thoughts and emotions will no longer consume you. “We realize there is more,” Henderson says. “It can be a simple and effective part of our spiritual practice.” Relaxation is also key, she says. “Talk to your body,” says Weber. “Express appreciation for your body. Love your body.” Laying new brain tracks takes time, patience and persistence, but taking these simple steps can be a beginning toward changing negative thoughts into positive ones. As Henderson says, “It is transformative.”

in FULL BLOOM 20

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Downtown diva ARTICLE BY SAMANTHA COLE PHOTOGRAPHY BY HOLLY MARCUS

Suzi Carter commits to a shared vision for Harrisonburg

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uzi Carter put her fists down on the picnic table.

“What are we doing now?”

She has often grappled with the tension between knowing and doing — learning and acting.

Whether helping restaurateurs’ vision come to life, grocers get on their feet or greenway advocates carve a new path, Suzi’s finding ways to answer her own question.

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“To get the community to take a dream and make it happen together ... that’s become my passion, helping groups to see these visions through.” She’s having a big year: engaged in June, turning 30 in July and taking a new step in her career. Even during times when her life is growing faster than squash in a summer storm, Suzi finds moments to take in all this town has to offer — and help others do the same. Suzi grew up in Long Island, where she and her twin brother Neal Carter were adopted at three years old, by a hard-working single mom and grandmother. The twins shared a common love of sports and ’90s R&B, according to Neal. Some of their biggest lessons involved building work ethic, Suzi said. “We learned to work hard and smart out of necessity … I’ve learned that you have to work together and let others help you. No one gets anywhere alone.” She carries those early lessons into her adult life — a self-described “hot-burner,” Suzi says she works hard and plays hard. So, why leave New York for Harrisonburg? “I put a lot of pressure on myself to see what else was out there,” she said. Arriving at James Madison University in 2001, she wasn’t alone in that ambition: the former athlete, class president and member of many clubs found like-minded peers. “I wasn’t the only one who wanted to be involved in things.” She eventually focused on a sociology major and Spanish minor, studying abroad in Salamanca and spending a summer in Nicaragua. Although she worked several different jobs throughout college, working in the downtown restaurant industry broke her out of the infamous “bubble” of campus life, alongside passionate restaurateurs and visionaries. One of whom was Jeremiah Jenkins, who helped design Clementine in downtown Harrisonburg. “I knew that Suzi would be an invaluable

Coming ‘Alive’

Suzi Carter likes to solve problems, and that’s a good thing for Harrisonburg. The 30-year-old — a Valley transplant from New York — has made the Friendly City her home and its future her mission.

part of the team and that the project would certainly succeed with her input and direction,” he wrote, remembering their work together five years ago. “There are a lot of moving parts to Clementine and, in many ways, we were trying to achieve something a bit different than other restaurants or venues.” Once outside of the classroom, Suzi says she “came alive,” throwing herself into projects such as bringing films, talkbacks and art gallery openings to Clementine from 2008-10. “[Jeremiah and the owners of Clementine] were the ones to take a chance on me,” she recalled. The innovative choices they made for

the restaurant — events, film screenings, art openings and concerts — raised the bar for the ’Burg. People were, to say the least, thankful. “How often, when you’re working at a restaurant, is it that people thank you?” she asked. “That’s when we thought, there’s such a shift happening here ... We just felt like it started to give a lot of entrepreneurs in the area hope, that we can do more downtown.” A serendipitous event in the Clementine lounge, a meetup for “skeptics” of the Friendly City Food Co-op, opened yet another door. Watching their outgoing outreach coordinator “on fire” in her responses to questions from the crowd, Suzi

remembers thinking, “I might like to do that.” She worked for the fledgling co-op in Outreach, Marketing and Membership from March 2010-12. Again working with its founders to bring the community around a shared vision, Suzi helped the store open its doors in 2011. Now, as she frequents Clementine and the co-op as a customer, she watches the establishments bloom on the soil she helped plant. “It was always bigger than me and bigger than us,” she said. “It’s great to see it evolve ... I just get excited to be a part of it now.” “Whoa, you have a Breezer!” bike enthusiasts say on sight of her wheels. “I’m really not as cool as you think,” she laughs. People try to put a label on Suzi, as the “food girl” or the “bike girl,” but she says it’s simply about offering positive alternatives.

Path to progress

A 2001 graduate of James Madison University, Suzi Carter (seen here with her fiance, Michael) broke onto the Harrisonburg scene by working in the restaurant industry downtown. That gig led to one of her passion projects, Clementine Café — where Carter committed to bringing talkbacks, gallery openings and films to Valley residents.

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On a brilliantly sunny afternoon at Liberty Park, Suzi sat feet from the future Northend Greenway. Once the Co-op was on its feet — final funds were raised within three months of her being on board, in one of her proudest moments in recent memory — she responded to a job description that slid across her desk a year prior: Development and Outreach Coordinator at the Northend Greenway. “Someone said, this is written for you,” she recalled. In November 2012, she joined the greenway and bittersweetly left the co-op. In explaining the greenway’s mission — to carve safe, efficient pedestrian and cyclist infrastructure in Harrisonburg’s North end, connecting with downtown, JMU and Eastern Mennonite University — her passion charged ahead of her. “I do think it’s a space that’s going to create understanding ... the face of Harrisonburg has changed, become more diverse,” she said. “We’re speaking a ton of different languages, but are you actually talking with people who speak different languages?” She leaned in on her elbows. “Most people are still within their little bubbles...” Sitting back and taking a breath, she put both hands down flat on the table and laughed. “OK, I’m off my soapbox!” Her energy is infectious — spread with coffee dates, group meetups and support rallying. “I just think it’s a cool project,” she said. “Cool” may be an understatement. Fiance Michael Weaver says he has tremendous respect for her leadership in this project, as in all past undertakings. “People follow other people, and they follow a worthy cause, and I think it’s very difficult to have just one or the other,” he said. “So, what Suzi’s given, she’s connected herself to worthy causes ... and as an effective leader, has helped them to become a reality.” Jenkins agrees. “She’s a tireless worker, especially when a project is in line with her values.” Tireless, it seems, even with the more tiresome parts of the job. Listening to critics of any project she’s worked on has been a serious part of her experiences. “I love a good squeaky wheel,” she said with a guilty grin. “It keeps you honest, it keeps you authentic ... and if one person is squeaking, there are probably a lot more out there who feel the same way.” Neal says she’s always had the ability to see the best in everyone. “I think that’s what makes her so good at what she does.” She prepared a press release, she said, for when the greenway reached its next grant approval goal. But, someone else had to send it: Suzi is moving on from the greenway, into a role as Director of Operations and Outreach for the Food Co-op Initiative. The organization tapped her shoulder, and she stepped up to the new challenge in early

“

[Suzi has] connected

herself to worthy causes ... and as an effective

“

leader, has helped them to become a reality.

June. She’ll be representing the organization on a national scale, from here in Harrisonburg, helping communities around the country start co-ops of their own, and building capacity for the organization. “If they required me to leave ... that would have been a very difficult decision,” she said in retrospect. If Virginia is for lovers, Harrisonburg is for Suzi. The bigger picture of every project is rarely lost on Suzi. “It’s all connected,” she says. “It isn’t necessarily about only the co-op or the greenway, but how we are growing these great things that we can say yes to together.” Recently, she said “yes” to a different kind of proposal: it was thanks in part to the co-op that Suzi and Michael reconnected after a friendship during college, when she needed his help for a fundraising project. He proposed during one of their favorite pastimes, a camping trip, and they’ll be married in September with an outpouring of help from friends and family. On a recent dreary day, Michael sat with a coffee mug at the Artful Dodger, rain falling in sheets on Court Square behind him. Born in Harrisonburg and having done his share of wandering, Michael returned to the area in 2012, when he and Suzi

‘It’s all connected’

Sometimes, “people wait for the town to serve them,” according to Suzi Carter. “I think that was such a paradigm shift to loving this area. When you just realize you’ve got to make [change] ... if the party isn’t happening, make one!”

Suzi Carter and her fiance, Michael, have made Harrisonburg their home because it’s “an amazing place to live,” says Suzi. “So many of my sources of pride come when people see the beauty that is here.”

decided together to start dating seriously. Her positive, outgoing spirit is part of what drew him to her, along with her thoughtfulness in every aspect of life, from her work projects to social circles. As manager of Court Square Theater and working with the Red Wing Roots Music Festival and a food truck court, he and Suzi both act as public faces for what helps make Harrisonburg tick. But they work in different ways: Michael is pushed to be better in his own work by watching her expertise and execution,

and he also encourages her to be less of a perfectionist, when necessary. “I feel like I do a good job in my various roles ... but then I look at her, and I’m like, ‘She’s better.’ ” he chuckled. “I just have a tremendous respect for her ability in a wide range.” Their shared love of the area doesn’t stop downtown, however. Suzi and Michael often duck out after work to escape to the mountains. “I think we live in one of the most beautiful parts of the country, maybe the world,” Suzi said. And frequently, different wilds call: They love a night out dancing, especially when Suzi’s brother DJ’s downtown. “People wait for the town to serve them; I think that was such a paradigm shift to loving this area,” she says. “When you just realize, you’ve got to make [change] ... if the party isn’t happening, make one!” “I’m so glad that she’s still here in Harrisonburg,” says Jenkins. She’s glad to be here, too. A quote from Wendall Berry sticks with her: “What we need is here.” As friends from college move back to town, recognizing Harrisonburg as a colorful, thriving place, she finds “overwhelming joy” in sharing her love of the ’Burg. In the park, a weed-whacker whirred, a man made small talk about the turnips in the community garden and a mother walked her two children on the light gravel path that will someday be a section of the greenway. “This is an amazing place to live. So many of my sources of pride come when people see the beauty that is here.”

Get serious about having FUN

COLUMN BY CHRISTINA KUNKLE ILLUSTRATION BY PHOTOS.COM

emember, as a kid, how you felt on the last day of school? Being out for the summer meant a break from studying, fewer responsibilities, beach vacations and time to relax. Inevitably, by the time fall rolled

around, we felt rested and ready for a new year.

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Life’s pace is faster now than when we were kids, and for most modern women — especially small business owners — summer doesn’t automatically mean precious downtime. In fact, the season often has us busier — keeping the bases covered at work and home, and active kids happily occupied. The average preschooler laughs or smiles 400 times a day, but, by the time people reach age 35, that number drops to only 15 times day. So, it seems once we enter adulthood, the tasks to juggle and hats to wear make it easy to forget about making playtime a priority. Time is one thing we cannot create more of. While constant hard work and focus are great assets of passionate high-achievers, in order to maintain a healthy, wellbalanced you, at times, you must stop pushing to take a break. Snippets of time for fun and games aren’t just a luxury; they’re one of the main ways we can prevent burnout. Please take a second right now to grab your calendar: When is your next personal vacation? Do you schedule blocks of playtime each week, as you surely do other important appointments? You’d be surprised at the various answers I get when I ask my clients that question!

Do any of the following reasons for not taking time off sound familiar?

“The price I have to pay for taking time off is just not worth it, that’s why I haven’t had a vacation for the last 3 years. No one runs my business the way I do, and things only pile up or fall apart if I’m gone.” “When I take time off, I feel guilty because everyone else’s needs aren’t met. It’s not my turn yet.” “Fun? Playtime? I have forgotten what that is!” “I can’t afford it.” “I can’t relax long enough to unwind; it’s like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop when I let my guard down.” “I haven’t earned it yet; my ‘to-do’ list is still too long.” “It’s too selfish of me to have fun while people I love are struggling and/or sick.” “I can’t because I’m a primary caregiver 24/7 and have no one to cover for me.” “I don’t have anyone to do things with.”

“Having fun is not a diversion from a successful life; it is the pathway to it.” Martha Beck, sociologist, therapist, author and life coach If you can relate to one or more of the below reasons for not taking time to play, you may be on the brink of letting worry, stress and the daily grind rob your life of pleasure. Instead of disappearing from your own life, replenish your reserves using these seven tips:

Goof of f!

Smiling and laughing are the best solutions to stress, boosting the immune system and reducing levels of hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline. In a recent study, American psychologists discovered that fun-loving, optimistic people live 7 ½ years longer than pessimists.

Whistle while you work.

Great leaders energize the work environment by encouraging lighthearted collaboration and teamwork. Studies show employees experience increased productivity, job satisfaction, innovation, creativity and morale when playfulness is present in the workplace. Fun and work don’t have to be an “either/or” proposition. Be reassured: It’s possible to love what you do so much, that it becomes “either/and.”

Reward productivity with pleasure.

Provide yourself with fun motivation for meeting deadlines and accomplishing tasks. Since it’s not

always possible to take weeks off at a time, treat yourself to a “free day” on a regular basis to unplug from work, technology and responsibilities. Do whatever brings a smile to your face and put joy in your heart ... it can do wonders! Perhaps an out-of-town trip would boost your morale, or knowing that a massage is waiting for you at the end of a long project. Ultimately, though, great health is the best treat you could give yourself.

Re-frame fun.

Bring it!

Do you file exercise under the category of “work”? If so, I invite you to reconsider. Perhaps you just haven’t found the right fit yet. Experiment until you find an activity that you love while staying in shape. If you’re up for a challenge, make a list of 10 new things you’d like to do for fun, play or adventure. Remember: What is considered fun is as unique to each of us as our fingerprints. What is absolute bliss for one may be painfully boring for another. Don’t wait for someone else to bring the fun; be a leader! There’s a ripple effect when someone has a playful presence — friends, family and coworkers can all be impacted positively. Create a group of likeminded people who share your zest for life. Together, you create unstoppable “peer power”! Enthusiasm will help you recruit family and friends,

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turning must-do tasks into bonding time.

Get sneaky.

Cultivate an attitude of gratitude.

Anonymously make someone else’s day with a random act of generosity. Leave an unexpectedly large tip for a tired waitress, hold the door for someone entering behind you, or give someone your undivided attention. Promoting a playful spirit will create a culture of fun wherever you are. Make an effort to recognize even the smallest blessings, such as the sunrise, a friend’s email or listening to the giggle of a child catching fireflies. It’s the little moments that create beautiful memories. When you make time to give gratitude, you will be delighted at how it spills over into your business leadership, parenting, decision-making and much more. Whether you’re a mother, manager, business owner, or teacher, remember that play brings out the best in all of us. So, let’s get serious about having fun! Go on, live a little Christina Kunkle, RN and CTA Certified Life and Wellness Coach, is founder of Synergy Life and Wellness Coaching, LLC, creator of the “Synergy Success Circle” and “SOAR,” a Heart-Centered Leadership Development Program. She helps busy women prevent burnout by promoting bounce-back resilience to stay focused, positive and excited about the challenges of work and life. To learn more, visit her website at www.synergylifeandwellnesscoaching.com or call (540) 746-5206.

1. Host a game night. 2. Ride a horse. 3. Read your favorite book. 4. Plan a pajama party. 5. Spoil yourself. (Mani-pedi, anyone?) 6. Get a massage. 7. Visit a local vineyard for a wine tasting. 8. Watch a funny movie. 9. Play in the rain. 10. Plant a garden. 11. Picnic with a friend. 12. Catch fireflies. 13. Join a gym class. 14. Hike in nature. 15. Visit the zoo.

your HOME

Give clutter some ARTICLE BY TIMOTHY SCHUMACHER

A local organizer shares professional cleaning secrets

o the walls seem like they are closing in? Is claustrophobia setting in?

Fear not. Kathryn McMillan, a member

of the National Association of Profes-

sional Organizers and owner of Clutter Conversions LLC, has helpful tips for those tight on space.

To stop collecting more clutter, McMillan says, learn to say “No!” “Just say ‘no’ to bringing [unnecessary items] into your house or your office,” she said. “Fight the urge ... [And], if more comes in, then something has to go out.” “When in doubt,” she says, “throw it out.” If clutter has already made its way into your life, divide and conquer using the SPACE method, says McMillan. Created by Julie Morgenstern — professional organizer, productivity consultant, speaker, author and media personality — the approach helps dismantle the sometimes overwhelming job of organization into “bite-sized” pieces.

SPACE

Here, McMillan breaks the SPACE method down:

Sort

“Start taking things out, it doesn’t matter which room it’s in, whether it’s your kitchen, your bathroom, your garage or your office.” Collect items cluttering the space and sort them into “like” categories, says McMillan. “You are going to take everything out and sort it. Then count it all. How many keys do you have in there? How many paper clips? How many pens?”

Purge

“[D]ecide how many [of these items] you actually need or use. Generally, we don’t need more than three or four pens in a drawer.” Now begins the purging process. Ask yourself the following, says McMillan. “What are you going to let go? What can I donate? What can I give away? What actually belongs to somebody else I should have returned six months ago?”

Assign a home

To keep clutter under control, make sure everything has a place. “You are going to decide, say if you are in your office, the things that don’t belong sitting on your desktop. So, then you are going to say ‘Where does it belong? Does it belong on the book shelf ? Does it belong in another drawer?’ So, you are going to start assigning these objects a home.”

Container-ize

After sorting and purging, keep clutter contained. “Don’t go out and buy the pretty bins and baskets and the big containers until you have done the sorting and the purging and assigning the home because, once you have sorted and purged, you now know how much of each item you have,” says McMillan, as well as where the container will live.

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These factors will determine the size and type you choose. Also, McMillan, suggests, consider labeling containers with what’s inside.

Evaluate

Once you have sorted, purged, assigned a home and collected your containers, it’s time to evaluate, says McMillan. “How does [the space] work? Is it working for you? Evaluate every two weeks until you are sure that everything is working for you the way it needs to work.” If the system isn’t working, you won’t use it and things will not find their way back home. An organized room is a snap to maintain, so make a daily commitment to organizational maintenance. Clean up each and every day and reassess your plan as your life — and your needs — change.

Do you have a story idea? Tell us about it! Contact editor Alicia Rimel at (540) 574-6276 or arimel@dnronline.com

your TABLE

Get grilling! ARTICLE BY SARAH STACY

Move over, gentlemen, there’s a new grill master in town ith the summer sun blazing, it’s time to turn the heat up on your grill.

And yes, we’re talking to you, ladies.

Here are some grilling tips and secrets that will

put a spark in your dinner menu — and a new woman in charge.

The most important element of grilling is choosing the right ingredients. “Proper technique is good, but starting with the best product is what you need to do,” said Ryan Zale, executive chef at Local Chop & Grill House. He suggests turning to local food sources, so you know where your meats originate. Consider visiting your local farmers market or co-op for grass-fed or pasture-raised options, which provide leaner, fresher meats that are lower in fat. There are ways to ensure better quality purchases at the store, too. Look closely at the meat’s color to make sure it’s well marbled, with no residing film, and that it looks clean and fresh, Zale said. And don’t forget to check the date. Meat matures differently depending on the animals’ diet and treatment, which affects the enzymes and flavor.

ph o

s.c

Taste of the grill If you don’t have a flat-top grill, that doesn’t mean you can’t be innovative. Consider smoke cooking to provide a different flavor to your meats. “Smoking is fun [and] jazzes up flavor for beef or pork,” Zale said. He suggests buying woodchips and soaking them before adding them to a tin foil poach or a smoking box when you want a smoky flavor. “A nice gas grill and a smoking box take it to the next level,” he said.

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So, always “ask where your meat comes from,” said Zale. “It’s important.” The type of meat, and whether it’s local or grass-fed, will determine how it’s prepped and cooked. For the highest quality meats, a marinade isn’t needed. “We keep it simple — sea salt and cracked pepper,” said Zale. To keep meat from sticking to the grill grates, Zale suggests first brushing on a little olive oil. For off-cuts or sub-primal meats — which are lower quality,

To marinate, or not to marinate?

less costly and less flavorful options such as roast beef — Zale suggests using Worcestershire or soy sauce. For a simple homemade marinade, Sue Freesen of Charis Eco-Farm suggests mixing a tablespoon of vinegar with some salt and pepper, along with your favorite herbs or seasonings, in ¼ cup of water. For frozen meats, Freesen recommends thawing in advance and soaking in a marinade for several hours, or overnight — especially for grass-fed meat. “Advance thawing and marinating [of] the meat allows the natural enzymes ... to begin to go to work, helping to tenderize the meat,” she said. She also suggests continuing to marinate while grilling to guarantee a tastier product, marinating before and at the end of the grilling process to add moisture. Deciding when meats are done can be difficult. Whether you want your steak medium-rare or welldone, Zale suggests investing in a temperature gauge. By knowing what temperature you’re shooting for, you can simply follow the gauge to achieve a perfectly cooked steak, Zale said. It’s also important to know what temperature different meats require.

Well-done, ladies!

Bloom is f o r wom en !

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For primal meats, such as ribeyes, Zale suggests high heat on a charbroil grill. However, for off-cuts and sub-primes, “lower temperature and longer is better,” he said. The fats and muscles are different for these cuts, so “the slower you break them down the better, the more flavor ... “ Just keep it under 300 degrees, he says. Don’t just think hotdogs and hamburger for grilling. For Kathleen Mania-Casey, owner of Grilled Cheese Mania, grilled vegetables provide an extra pop of color and flavor to her recipes. For flat-top grilling, Mania-Casey uses a canola-olive oil blend that, she says, provides a delicious flavor. “I do not think the flavor would be as good if I used some artificial or cheap butter substitute.” Just make sure not to drown the veggies in oil, which will make them too greasy and soft. Stir constantly until the veggies are tender and brown — not raw, but still crispy. Mania-Casey suggests sweet onion for adding flavor to sauerkraut or grilled bacon, or to dress up a sandwich. That’s her secret to the food truck’s tasty “Suzie Pepper” grilled cheese: peppers and onions complementing fresh tomato slices, along with oregano and Muenster cheese. With so many techniques and varying recipes, the grill provides the perfect space for culinary experimentation. So, why let the men have all the fun?

With a side of veggies

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your VIEWPOINT

Maternal? Not so much. Staff writer Samantha Cole shatters the illusion that we all feel the ‘need to breed’ COLUMN BY SAMANTHA COLE

“A

nd then,” the actor tells me on the phone, “there’s the looming questions of why they don’t have any children.” The local play he’s giving an interview about is a comedy, but has an overarching theme of loss, he says. His character’s fatally flawed marriage manifests in the gaping void in their lives: childlessness.

In describing a life without children, there are three separate definitions: “Childlessness,” the broadest term; and the voluntary (child-free) or involuntary (infertile) versions. At 23, I’m choosing not to have children. I could go on about the sense motherhood doesn’t make for me: the economics, the psychology, or the societal strains walking away from biological motherhood implies — and even the question of why I have to “walk away” instead of other women having to “walk into” the role —

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but I think my case is best captured in little moments.

A few weeks ago, my best friend and I took a day trip to D.C. In the corner of the tightly arranged outdoor seating area at Tortilla Cafe, we ate empanadas, speculated on the relationship dynamics of the threesome table next to ours, and caught up on PG-13 aspects of our lives. Standing to leave, we watched the little blonde girl next to us tip, in slow motion, from her perch on the back of a plastic chair into a heap on the concrete. I stood with both hands full of garbage while she fell across both my feet. Her parents were all palms and elbows and cooing reprimands, trapped by the table. I lifted my trash bags impotently as they shuffled around the patio furniture to scoop her out of the way. We learned something about me that day. When it comes up in conversation that I don’t feel a burning primal instinct to reproduce, or even ambivalence about having my own children, but a serious stance to the contrary, people react in majority with disapproval. Not wanting to have children is like not wanting to have kittens, or not liking chocolate. You’re supposed to want it. What’s wrong with you if you don’t? Don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate kids. In fact, I have a guilty love of tiny baby shoes. Miniature anything, really — mini versions of grown-up things are both precious and hilarious, am I right? Anyway, children generally kind of hate me. I have anecdotal proof. The time a five year old locked me out of the playroom where his baby sister and twin brothers remained inside, held hostage; I crouched sweetly pleading by the doorknob for him to unlock it so I could immediately grab him by the collar. Every time someone brings a baby near me, I’m instantly preoccupied with the most fascinating text message. I once taught a kindergarten art class where my defining moment was when a paint-covered little boy ran screaming out the front door, almost into the street. But there are exceptions. One can only avoid interaction with 24 percent of the population for so long. I met a toddler in a pizza shop near Richmond. He had a head full of ringlets, a plaid button up shirt, khaki pants and shiny black sneakers. I had a head full of wine tastings. While we waited for the pizza on the booth bench, he came over and stared at me with wide, watery brown eyes. So, we carried on conversation at the same level of bleary stream-of-consciousness, including complimenting his tiny non-slip shoes and his demanding role as a very young night manager. His mother came from the kitchen, traded him for the pizza and we said a dramatic goodbye. It was adorable.

My parents are disarmingly understanding about not getting grandchildren out of me. It’s hard to tell if they’ll resent me for it one day, they’re so serenely supportive of the stances I take. As with almost all of my life choices, they patiently let me find my own way. I asked my mother, who wanted to be a homemaker since elementary school, why she had children. “That’s a hard question to answer,” she said. “I can say for my generation it’s just what everyone did and, I guess, expected.” She knew she wanted two children “someday,” a boy and a girl. My parents were married for seven years before I came along. “I think we had reached a time in our relationship and an age to want to nurture,” she stated, characteristically matter-of-fact. “We were more settled and planning what our future would look like; for us, that was a family. “Then came you, little woobie woobie.” Thanks, Mom.

“You’ll end up with a guy who’d be a great dad.” I’ve known men who would make amazing dads. And I’ve felt, in the pit of my stomach, that it’d never work out; that these guys are destined for the higher calling of Daddy Duty, and I’m somewhere outside that trajectory. It doesn’t change how I feel, but it does make me wonder if there’s a difference between sincerely good people, and people who’d raise more good people. But then out of holy blue nowhere a thought crosses my mind like, “We’ll have Taco Tuesdays,” and it’s all up in the air again.

I’ve never felt that nurturing instinct. I’ve felt protective of kids, in the same way one might feel protective of a baby bird — interfering is almost more of a risk than to let the wind knock it around, but you step in because of some existential guilt-tripping. Waiting to cross the street, I looked to my left where a little black-haired boy stood, clinging to a stuffed animal. A megalithic bookstore stood behind us, two lanes of minivans rolling through stop signs in front of us. He looked back at the door; I took a step toward traffic, conflicted. He stifled a sob, conflicted. It was like watching a glass tip too close to a table edge. Defeated, he ran back to hide behind a pillar against the brick store wall. I went back inside to see if there were any frantic parents tearing through the aisles. Nope. Great. I sang a two-syllable “Hi,” and crouched down beside him. “Are your parents in there?” He buried his head in the animal’s plush fur. “Do you want me to sit with you?” Absolutely not, you awkward adult. “Is that a doggy?” He turned it around slowly. “Oh, a bunny rabbit!” He snatched it back to his face. Now people were giving me side-eyed looks. Diffusion of responsibility, nothing to see here; thanks for staring. “OK ... well, I’ll be over here if you need me.” So I sat on a bench across from the door, watching only his shoe sticking out past the pillar and an occasional bunny foot peaking out. Five minutes later, a frantic woman emerged. I pointed at the pillar. “My little boy?” she gasped. A man followed, and immediately started cursing at the child — until she waved a “thank you” at me, and he noticed that I was trying to explode his skull with my eyes. She scooped him up and they silently walked to their car. People react with disapproval, or at least great excuses. “You’ll change your mind some day.” “You’re still young, it’s natural.”

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