the daily
halfasskan MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2013
volume 112, issue 127
the daily halfasskan was first printed april 1, 1975. the editorial content of the Daily halfasskan is meant for entertainment purposes only and should by no means be taken seriously. any use of similarities to real people or events, save for public figures and events, are accidental and purely coincidental.
Zach Nold named new director of UNL Women’s Center I n a move that surprised few, University of Nebraska-Lincoln administrators appointed student and outspoken conservative writer Zach Nold director of the UNL Women’s Center this past Friday. At a brief press conference, university officials said the center needed a leader who better recognized the state of women’s equality. Nold stood before dozens of students, the majority female, as he accepted the new role. He spoke about what his new position meant to him. “I stand before you today as a man of women,” Nold said to his adoring supporters. “Feminism has met its goals, and women are now equal with men as they should be, which means the battle is over! In the mean time, I will do my best to maintain the status quo, and to stop those so-called ‘feminists’ who don’t realize that women are already considered equal. Greed will get us nowhere.” Nold’s plans were met with excitement from the fervent crowd. Many admirers held signs that read “A Nold New Direction” and “Voting? No thank you.” “I think the thing I’m most excited about is the experience he brings,” said Cassandra Wilcox, a junior economics major. “Coming from the background he does, he under-
stands the obstacles women have had to face better than any actual woman I know.” Prior to his new job, Nold wrote conservative columns for the Daily Nebraskan, some of which attracted attention on a national scale. Nold said he plans to enact policies at the Women’s Center that align with what he has written about. “Just like in life, the rules of survival have changed,” Nold said. “Unfortunately, people are relying more and more on communication and less on physical strength. That’s our cross to bear. What I plan to do is to help women adapt, so that they can remain the same.” Nold’s girlfriend, Elizabeth Samuels, spoke with reporters following Nold’s conference. She said she was ready to see what Nold would do with his newfound power. “He didn’t speak about it today, but he’s told me he wants to get women’s pay down to about 60 percent of what men get,” Samuels said. “The way he explained it is that women are at least 40 percent better than men, so to keep things even, they should have to work harder.” “I’m so glad he knows better than me,” Samuels said. Samuels also mentioned Nold’s plan to no longer have the women’s center be part of the UNL “Safe Space” program designed
Conservative demigod Zach Nold addresses legions of his adoring supporters — most of them women — at a press conference Friday. Media gathered for the announcement that Nold is the new director of UNL Women’s Center.
W o m e n ’s C e n t e r d i s m i s s e s c u r re n t d i re c t o r i n fav o r o f N o l d , e m p h a si z i n g n e e d f o r ra d i c a l l ead e r s h i p th a t ‘ re a l l y g e t s w o m e n ’ P h o tos
by
St o r y b y Tyl e r Ke ow n B e t h an y Sc hm i dt a nd M a tt nold: see page 2
M a s i n
Upon hearing that draconian-minded heartthrob Zach Nold has been named director of the UNL Women’s Center, his supporters brandished signs highlighting his supremacy as a women’s rights advocate. “He’s our hero,” one woman cried. “And we need heroes. That’s what Zach says, anyway.”
After privatization, Bryan turns UHC into morgue Bryan officials preach costeffectiveness of corpse treatment
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hailey konnath Daily halfasskan
photo illustration | dn
Held at knifepoint by a scarlet-clad member of a terror cell which calls itself “Archrival,” Harvey Perlman browses his mobile phone in what psychiatric experts are calling a clear case of Stockholm Syndrome.
Experts worry for chancellor’s health in ‘Perls of Knowledge’ hostage videos Shelby Fleig Daily Halfasskan The University of Nebraska Board of Regents continued discussions during the weekend on whether to pay a ransom to an anonymous terrorist cell holding University of NebraskaLincoln Chancellor Harvey Perlman hostage. The terrorist organization, known only as Archrival, allegedly kidnapped Perlman late last month. The peril facing the chancellor has been far from secretive. Perlman claimed recent Internet fame after releasing a collection of YouTube videos called “Perls Of Knowledge.” Perlman, currently being held in what early reports are calling “gruesome conditions,” is shown alone in a dimly lit room, ironically adorned with a few symbols of the university. In more recent news, the hostage takers have contacted authorities, saying the videos are meant to elicit a ransom of $30,000 in exchange for the chancellor’s release. An unidentified voice heard on 911 tapes said, “If this university has $60 million to spend on additions to a football stadium, surely they have $30,000 to save the life of Harvey Perlman.” The videos have raised concerns with students, administrators and experts about Perlman’s mental state in captivity. Perlman can be seen adding
phrases like “Where’s the Beef?” and “I hate Mondays!” to the end of each ransom video. The short videos, each around 30 seconds, all begin with Perlman slowly turning in his chair to face the camera. “I’ve been thinking … Everyone watching this has the power to determine my fate in captivity, but I have the power to determine who will play in the BCS title game next year. Your move, Pelini,” Perlman says in one video. It is unclear if he is laughing to keep himself from crying harder or is crying from laughter. Kate Ableton, a licensed psychiatrist with UNL Counseling and Psychological Services, said she’s concerned about the chancellor’s mental state based on what she’s seen in the videos. “We’re clearly looking at a man under duress,” Ableton said. “I wonder if they’ve taken his sense of time from him. He seems to think jokes from three years ago are relevant.” Ableton also pointed to Perlman’s outdated pop culture references as a sign of potential disorientation, and at the rate Perlman is regressing, she said the chancellor is likely to make a “Dude, you’re getting a Dell” reference soon. “If being held hostage is cool, consider me Miles Davis,” Perlman shouts in one video. Ableton also expressed worries that Perlman may not even be aware
of what is happening around him. In one video, he scrolls through an imaginary iPhone in his hand and rambles about cats. In the most alarming video, Perlman is whistling the tune of “Harlem Shake” by Baauer while the camera is being set up. Perlman later mumbles complaints about the artistic quality of the ransom videos, claiming “this is nothing that will attract the attention of potential students to my university.” One of the positive results of the kidnapping has been the increased interest in UNL. Since the original report of the kidnapping two weeks ago, “University of Nebraska-Lincoln” has been searched more than 4 million times, and “Nebraska school YOLO guy” turns up more than 75,000 Google results. Consequently, enrollment numbers are skyrocketing since the kidnapping. While the chancellor’s office is crediting the spike in enrollment to the original “Perls of Knowledge” campaign, many analysts are saying the kidnapping had a much bigger effect. The Board of Regents is holding a public forum Wednesday in the Nebraska Union to discuss “the pros and cons of paying that much money to put this unstable man back in charge at UNL,” according to a press release. The Regents’ final decision is expected by the end of the week. News@ dailyHalfasskan.com
When University of NebraskaLincoln junior English major Mike Jones walked into the UniNU Board of versity Health Center Friday Regents meets, afternoon, he was met with a privatization is surprise. UHC, which recently came not on agenda under the control of Bryan Health, had become a morgue. “I needed to go to the health NU Board of center to see if I had mono,” Jones said. “But the lady at the Regents front desk told me they’d only approves Bryan be able to serve me if mono Health contract eventually killed me.” at emergency The health center “revamp,” meeting according to Bryan Health officials, was a cost-saving measure. “With health care costs the way they are these days, we decided it would be much more cost-effective to simply stop treating students altogether and three people to handle the voltake care of the resulting dead ume of bodies we’re getting on bodies,” said Russ Gronewold, campus these days,” said Kim Bryan Health’s chief financial Russel, Bryan Health’s CEO. “We’ll certainly be looking to officer. expand our staff as The rethe body count innamed Uni... we creases, which it inversity Death evitably will.” Center offers decided Former UHC full services for Director Dr. James any dead body it would be Guest said he wasn’t with an NCard, much more surprised. Gronewold “I warned all cost-effective said. you idiots,” Guest “We’ll get to simply stop yelled in between dead student egging Canfield Adbodies in tip- treating students ministration Buildtop shape for altogether and ing and speeding all of your off across the City o p e n - c a s k e t take care of the Campus greenspace wakes and in his Toyota Cofunerals,” he resulting dead.” rolla. said. “And russ gronewold Students, like we’ll help facbryan health cfo Jones, remained ulty or staff shocked. bodies too, but “The question only in certain on the ASUN elections balinstances.” Gronewold estimated the lot did not say anything about move would save Bryan Health this,” senior biology major Cathand the university upwards of erine Smith said. “I didn’t know $14 million. About 80 percent of privatization meant losing the ability to stop an outside proUHC staff were let go, he said. “Really, we only need about vider from turning our health
Bryan Health assumes control of University Health Center
UHC becomes University Death Center 10 a.m. Harvey Perlman barricades his office door 5 p.m. All 8 NU regents resign
rebecca rickertsen center into a mortuary.” The University of Nebraska Board of Regents could not be reached for comment, but interim UNL news director Steve Smith confirmed all eight members had resigned as of Friday night. “I thought it was a hard enough job just making Perlman’s privatization proposal sound well-thought-out to the general public,” Smith said. “I have no PR bullshit left to deal with this.” UNL Chancellor Harvey Perlman remained holed up in his office Sunday afternoon. He told the Daily Nebraskan in an email that he had barricaded his office door Friday morning. “No, I do not know when I will feel safe enough to emerge,” he wrote. “I guess I should’ve researched this whole privatization thing a little more.” As for Jones, he said he plans to drop out of school and see what happens. “It would’ve been really easy to just tell me if I have mono and then tell me what to do to get better,” he said. “But I guess I’ll just wait for death.” news@ dailyhalfasskan.com