Dear Valentine’s Day,
I heart hate you:
Four Reasons Why Valentine’s Day is EVIL A COLUMN BY JAKE UPDEGRAFF
Cupid doesn’t like Valentine’s Day, nor does he like love. What he does like is making your life a living hell. Valentine’s Day shouldn’t be a holiday and if it’s to be considered a holiday, it should be for children 12 and under. At least when we’re kids we get to celebrate by receiving signed cards, free candy and most important, we use class time to do this. Once you grow up, you realize it sucks. Cupid is the enemy and you unfortunately are the victim that must deal with the consequences of his mind playing games. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a relationship, just got out of a relationship or single, you’re shit out of luck. Sure, I may be a little bitter since I’ve never had a Valentine, but come on, be real with yourself and understand this holiday is a waste of time, money and effort. I will be supplying my argument with four reasons why Valentine’s Day is so damn evil.
1 is the loneliest number. This holiday only
caters to those in a relationship. If you’re single, this day will constantly remind you that you’re single, no one likes you and you won’t be receiving any gifts at work. Instead, you will get the honor of listening to the endless amount of people you know brag about how their Valentine’s Day was spoiled with candy, perfume and roses. This is all part of Cupid’s plan to make you feel lonely and most of the time, it works.
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2 much weight put on. This holiday also affects a much more
meaningful holiday we celebrate, and that’s New Year’s Eve. That holiday is one everyone can celebrate and generally lets people start fresh with a new year by setting a goal. As everyone knows, most of those goals will include weight loss, more exercise and less food… at least until Feb. 14. It’s the day where chocolates are as abundant as condoms in a Planned Parenthood. This holiday will make you fat, get in the way of your new year’s resolution and potentially cause a trip to the dentist—which leads us to the next factor: money.
3 things you’ll waste your $ on. Get ready to spend your
money on roses that will dry out in a week, half eaten chocolates (because everyone knows people eat halfway through the chocolate to see what kind it is) and signed cards that will be tossed in the trash after a month, or a horrible breakup, whichever comes first. The pressure will be on, too. Don’t think you can get away with a good gift at the Dollar Store. Unless you’ve got an inner Martha Stewart and can find creative ways to make gifts, you’ll be spending a hefty amount. Though, this could help those wanting to get out of a relationship: just give your significant other a really awful present and the rest will be history.