ISSUE 11, 2010

ISSUE 11 / MAY 17TH / 2010

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18 THINGS YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY 22 PLAGERISE THIS ARTICLE

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28 CELEBRITY FINANCIAL FUCK-UPS

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45 GAMES 41 BOFS

46 FILM 42 LETTERS

48 MUSIC

50 BOOKS

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Disclaimer: the views presented within this publication do not necessarily represent the views of the Editor, Planet Media, or OUSA. Press Council: people with a complaint against a newspaper should first complain in writing to the Editor and then, if not satisfied with the response, complain to the Press Council. Complaints should be addressed to the Secretary, PO Box 10-879 The Terrace, Wellington.

03

I hate the term ‘silent majority’ – especially when used as justification for hating on some minority.

But at university, minorities have it made. Here, the silent majority are students and the minority are attendees of Student General Meetings. (The meetings held about twice a year to set the direction of the student association.)

Last week’s attempt at an SGM was a total shambles. According to the OUSA Constitution, one percent of students need to show up for it to be legitimate. One percent. That’s 202 students. They didn’t meet it, but the meeting went ahead anyway, as no one called them on it.

The big item on the agenda was a proposal

by OUSA President Harriet Geoghegan to rescind all OUSA policy and start again from scratch. The crux of her argument was that there are a bunch of useless motions on the books, ranging from the stupid (that IBM builds OUSA a penis-shaped Sky Tower) and the irrelevant (that OUSA opposes the Iraq War), to the illegal (OUSA supports the NORML 4.20 protests).

How is Geoghegan supposed to convince the Vice Chancellor that the majority of students want something important, when officially, the majority of students oppose European immigration into the country because they’ve got Nazis there?

The majority of students do not oppose European immigration. The majority of students do not think OUSA’s stance on the Iraq War really holds much sway. And the majority of students do not support the special interest groups that have hijacked this student association and seemingly every other student association in the country.

But the majority of students don’t want to waste two hours of their life holed up in a room spelling this out.

I don’t personally have a problem with the groups on campus that have an axe to grind. But what does bother me is when they attach themselves to student associations as some way of attempting to claim legitimacy.

They can say they have the weight of the student body behind them, but they know it is a lie. Grind your axe, but don’t attach my

name to it – or those of the 19 000-plus students who didn’t show up.

Geoghegan knows this, and this is what she was trying to fix. But she went about it all in the wrong way. She totally fucked up. By attempting to throw everything out at once, she galvanised the policy nerds and the groups who would lose their precious OUSA support. If she genuinely wants to change OUSA policy so it reflects what actual students want and need, and doesn’t just jerk off the tiny minority of freaks and geeks that turns up at these things, then she needs to do it properly, thoroughly, and thoughtfully.

One of her motions was to move SGMs online. This failed because it was packaged in with everything else. It was pointed out by someone that the Constitution already allows online referendums to take place on policy. So, why the fuck are they not doing this?

Through an online forum, get students to vote on all the policies on the books. Should they stay, or should they go? Tick one of two boxes. Simple.

Students would actually get behind this.

The argument that one of the reasons that student associations exist is to support and nurture the radical university spirit that sticks it to the man and protests about the big issues is no longer valid. The sad truth is that the majority of people go to University solely with the hopes of getting a job when they leave. They’re not here to kick up a stink. And they’re not here to express their free spirit. They desperately want a job.

This is the reality.

If anyone is nostalgic for the good old days of student politics, they’ve been at university too long.

University students, as a bloc, are no longer the critics and conscience of society. There was no memo, unfortunately – you just need to look around.

During the meeting, the Union Food Court was packed with students eating overpriced food while, in the room next door, a small group was debating the International Socialists’ motion to expel the 2009 President from the association.

OUSA needs to work out what is important.

Students care about issues that affect students, and student associations should reflect that and only that.

If you are passionate about something, it is important that there is an outlet for you to express it, but stop clinging to the antiquated notion that student associations are that outlet. If you can’t, the majority will begin to wonder if maybe Roger Douglas and his ilk are on to something.

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Short Sluts’ Saviour Anonymous

Persistence

Good Deal

Hypocrites

Epic Lad

A Romanian designer has come up with a pair of sandals that increase the wearer’s height by a ridiculous 31cm. Unfortunately for most, the sandals cost an equally ridiculous amount: over 1200 Euros, which is around three times the average monthly wage of povo Romanians.

A South Korean woman has earned her driver’s licence after a mere 960 attempts. It’s not as bad as it seems, though: a mere ten of those attempts were for the on-road exam; the other 950 times she failed the preliminary written test.

A Baptist minister in the US has performed a quite amazing display of hypocrisy. The minister, a well known anti-gay rights campaigner, was paid US$87 000 to testify at a hearing as an expert witness against gay adoption. What did he spend the money on? Hiring a male prostitute for a tenweek jaunt around Europe.

An U-16 Aussie Rules side from Queensland negotiated the sponsorship deal of the century.

Their backers? The local Hooters restaurant.

As part of the deal, the team was cheered on by skimpily-clad wait-staff at their home games.

Reports indicate that adolescent boners dwarfed goals in all games played.

This story shows that drinking games really have got soft. In 1996, a group of Polish farmers on the turps got into a dispute about which of them was the most macho. They started off by bashing themselves over the head with turnips. When that couldn’t separate them, one of the mad Poles whipped out a chainsaw and cut off his own foot. Not to be outdone, another of the farmers grabbed the weapon, and promptly lopped off his own head. Wtf.

Rioters, Pay Attention ...

Overheard

What?

Numbers:

Suspicious Beard

1 /2,000,000: Odds of being killed by falling out of bed. 1952: Year that Albert Einstein was offered the presidency of Israel. He declined.

7: Age at which Tom Cruise was diagnosed with dyslexia. He claims that Scientology helped him to overcome it.

A Swiss research team won a prestigious scientific award for investigating whether it was better to smash someone over the head with a full beer bottle, or an empty one. The results conclusively showed that it was better to bottle that Monkey Bar bouncer after you had finished your stubbie of Double Brown. Interesting.

Guy1: You know, she’s like Hitler, but with boobs.

Guy2 : We should call her Titler.

From Overheard @ Uni of Otago

We stole this one from the OUSA website, but it was just too good not to. Apparently young girls are more afraid of being fat than of cancer, nuclear war, or their parents dying.

Obviously this mentality doesn’t last, though: just look around the lecture theatre.

A Chinese man has been arrested for pretending to be a woman, for the purpose of marrying men and taking their money. Wang Mou, 18, allegedly married three men this year and fled with the engagement money. Wang, who is slim and softly spoken, reportedly admitted: “A lot of people mistake me for a woman on first sight.” This Year, Wang (bit of a giveaway) made away with almost $10 000 from his victims.

07

The first SGM of the year took place last Thursday, with almost 200 students showing up.

The first motions – accepting the audited accounts, and appointing auditors, solicitors, and reinstating Donna Jones as secretary – passed unanimously. Proposed Constitutional changes and amendments that set out the process for voting were passed with some dissent, as the legal implications of these motions is still unknown.

The most controversial issue of the meeting was OUSA President Harriet Geoghegan’s motion to rescind all past motions, and to bring SGMs online.

Allegations that Geoghegan’s motion was targeting NORML have circulated, to which Geoghegan has replied, “they’re paranoid.”

The motions on the chopping block had been divided into a number of categories, including “frivolous motions” (“that the skytower building be vulva-shaped”), motions that were no longer relevant, and “external issues” (“that this meeting direct OUSA to actively oppose any invasion of Iraq without United Nation support”). Geoghegan said there was little legitimacy in the motions the SGM passed if only one percent of

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students (the required quorum of an SGM) was backing it. Nevertheless, Geoghegan was happy to accept the legitimacy of such a vote if it passed her motion.

Numerous students spoke to the motion.

James Gluck, who was fairly active throughout the meeting, claimed Geoghegam was attempting to “depoliticise OUSA”, at which point cries of “bullshit” sprung from the small ACT contingent. Gluck named a few of the “silly motions” that would be rescinded, that included opposition to neo-Nazi groups and support for gay and lesbian rights.

The undisputed champion of all things policy-related, Dan Stride, spoke passionately against the motion, saying that to throw out all old motions was to “throw the baby out with the bathwater.”

Ultimately the motion was not passed, with 62 votes for the motion and 107 against. A distant voice, presumably Gluck’s, exclaimed: “Thank you, you’ve saved democracy.”

Another major motion was moved by Gluck, concerning “douche” ex-OUSA President Edwin Darlow. Gluck claimed that despite Darlow’s duty to represent

student views at the University Council, he had “sold out” and voted for an increase in student fees, which was a “ridiculous breach of student representation.” Gluck said that as a result, Darlow’s life membership to OUSA should be revoked. A spiteful retort from Darlow via letter stated that “any criticism from Mr Gluck is generally a compliment,” and claimed that the accusation was absurd.

An anonymous member of the crowd called out, “He’s even more obnoxious in print.”

Passionate outbursts ensued, emphasising that letting Darlow “get away with it” was setting an awful precedent. However, Walker McMurdo equated the motion to a petty hissy fit, saying, “If you’re a childish dick, you should vote for the motion.” The voters took heed, with the general consensus being that while Darlow was unanimously hated, it would be too mean and petty to pass the motion. The motion was put to a vote, and failed by a simple majority.

The last motion of the meeting was put forward by Dan Stride and Imogen Roth, updating the Accommodation policy from its previous form “without throwing everything out.”

Enrolments in tertiary institutions are increasing beyond sustainable levels, causing both Otago and Victoria to take measures to limit them.

At Otago, enrolments for semester two are to be capped, with further caps for next year in the works. The caps were part of a recommendation from the Senate that was passed by the University Council on Tuesday last week.

The caps are a result of the University’s enrolment growth, which is running at 4.4 percent more equivalent full-time students (EFTS) than there were at the same point last year. The University faces breaching the Tertiary Education Commission’s (TEC) 103 percent growth funding cap for domestic EFTS, which would mean approximately 550- 650 EFTS would be unfunded.

The caps will apply only to open entry undergraduate and sub-degree programs. It is not clear how many prospective students will be affected by this, but loose estimates are around 100-200.

Vice Chancellor Sir Professor Skegg says that up until now, the University has had a liberal policy, with the residential colleges providing an effective cap. However over the past years, there has been a steady increase in enrolments, which greatly accelerated over the last two years in particular. “Otago University is in a difficult situation.”

Sir Professor Skegg says that the increase puts a “clear pressure on resources.” The ratio between academic staff and students is deteriorating, and there are constraints on accommodation and University facilities.

Not only can the University not afford more staff, but if they were to employ more staff, there would be no space to accommodate them.

The proposed cap involves a priority system for allotting available places. First priority goes to those who are already enrolled. Sir Professor Skegg says that the proposal will not affect current Otago students, as “they have an absolute right to do what they wanted to do.” Second priority is to those who had registered prior to April 28. Third priority goes to those who “can establish they were actively advised ... in a

way that gave clear expectation of admission.”

Fourth priority is subject to availability, with admission on the basis of academic merit first and foremost. Affirmative action in respect of Maori and Pasifika students, and those who have “exceptional circumstances,” will also be considered.

It will be possible to review and appeal the decisions, “in accordance with normal University procedures.”

Two student representatives sit on the University Council. OUSA President Harriet Geoghegan and Victoria Nicholson, who was appointed by the Executive.

Both voted for capping enrolments. “It’s unfortunate that we have to, but if we don’t we are at risk of having more students that we can afford to in 2010, which stretches resources,” Geoghegan says. “I think the way the University has gone about it is fair and they’re simultaneously trying to get more money from the Government. If we don’t do this ciurrent students will be disadvantaged and fees will rise.”

Victoria University has been faced with a similar problem of capacity, and has made the decision not to accept any domestic enrolments for undergraduate programs for the rest of 2010. Victoria Chancellor Ian McKinnon says the move was a difficult decision. “The University has no further capacity for new domestic undergraduate applicants this year. In addition, enrolling new domestic undergraduate applicants could compromise the quality of outcomes for current students.”

VUWSA student association president Max Hardy and the other student represntative voted against the proposals at Victoria University.

NZUSA co-president Pene Delaney is concerned about the future of students. “We call on the Government to increase total tertiary education funding in this upcoming Budget to ensure that all New Zealanders can continue to have the chance to go into tertiary education.”

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The Select Committee deciding the fate of student services has resolved to report back at the end of September, not the end of this month as it had originally planned.

The committee received a huge number of submissions regarding the bill, and preliminary counts appear to show a large opposition.

The committee had been put together to report back on the Education (Freedom of Association) Amendment Bill, a bill introduced to Parliament by Sir Roger Douglas, with the intention of making all membership in Student Associations voluntary.

An analysis of about half of the submissions indicates that the numbers are at least three to one against the bill, and also that those who asked to speak are five to one against the bill.

There have also been 4000 informal submissions made against the bill.

David Do, co-President of NZUSA, was pleased with announcement. “This extension is a very helpful procedural win, because it gives us more time to lobby and persuade.”

The news proved another plus for NZUSA, which got a boost last year when they got the student associations to lobby the committee for an extension on the report date from the end of last year, to March 31 of this year.

OUSA President Harriet Geoghegan is pleased to hear the result, but also has reservations.

“It is good to have more time to plan, but at the same time it extends uncertainty which means we can’t make a lot of key decisions and it isn’t very nice for staff who won’t know

if they will have jobs or not.”

Support and opposition to the bill has generally been split along the Left/Right ideological divide.

The Young Nats wrote in their submission, “Students are the only group in society still forced to join a Union. The Young Nats believe students deserve the same choices as all other New Zealanders.”

The Green Party submitted in opposition, stating that the amendment’s intention, which seeks to guarantee the right of students to the freedom of association, is already provided in the Act’s current form, and that “The proposed amendment is unnecessary and damaging to a thriving tertiary education sector.”

Dunedin Mayor Peter Chin also opposed the bill, saying he didn’t believe the current system was “broke.”

The Society of Otago Law Students (SOULS) is having its annual quiz night, complete with subsidised drinks and sponsored by law firm Minter Ellison Rudd Watts, this Wednesday at the Captain Cook Tavern.

This arrangement is strikingly similar to last year’s event, also held at the Cook on a Wednesday, and also involving subsidised drinks, which earned the Cook a 24-hour suspension of its liquor licence.

However, both SOULS and Cook management are adamant that this year’s event will not encourage binge drinking.

Cook General Manager Stu Monroe says the event will be kept “tightly under control” and while “details of this control have not been finalised as of yet … there is definitely changes to be made [sic].”

The suspension of the Cook’s licence came after a complaint was lodged that

last year’s event encouraged binge drinking by pricing drinks too low and serving intoxicated patrons. The complaint was made by the mother of a first-year student who was the sober driver for a team at the event.

Critic obtained copies of the statements made by both the mother and the son. The son, who we remind you was the ‘responsible’ member of his team, alleged that his three friends consumed 18 jugs between them over the course of the evening, and that by the end of the night all three were incoherent and vomiting profusely. Additionally, it stated that one of the three was consuming beer, throwing up into his hands, and then continuing to drink and throw-up again.

The statement alleged that bar staff did little to prevent this behaviour. The son did not, however, stop his friends drinking, and

facilitated their drinking by buying more alcohol.

SOULS President Rob Harris disputes that the event was not well run, saying “Faculty staff, SOULS, and The Cook all said they didn’t see anything of what was alleged.”

Senior Lecturer Selene Mize supports Harris’ version of events, telling Critic “I attended the quiz night almost to the very end, sat in the back corner of the garden bar, crossed the floor fairly often to turn in our answers, and ordered at the bar. I didn’t notice any untoward behaviour on the part of Cook staff or students. It was a pretty good night, except for the fact that it was freezing cold and we didn’t win.”

A new ‘40-point drinking plan’ has been floated to deal with Scarfie alcohol abuse.

The plan is the product of a year-long trip to the United States by OUSA Events Manager Vanessa Reddy.

Reddy toured dozens of major US universities, investigating how different campuses have tackled the problem of student drinking. She received funding from several sources for the trip, including $3000 from the OUSA Professional Development Fund, which was apporoved by the Ececutive.

The University also bankrolled her to the tune of $20 000, and the DCC chipped in with a cool $17 000. This money paid for her flights, accommodation, living costs and drinks. Separately, Reddy was also paid for 5 hours a week at her existing wage level for liasing with the temporary replacement OUSA Events Manager.

Reddy has presented the four and a half page plan to the University, and some of the initiatives in it could go into effect soon. Ideas from the plan include increased scheduling of classes and tests on Friday mornings, upping the price of alcohol around campus, and greater promotion of clubs and activities. The most radical idea, however, is the creation of a ‘sober-up’ facility, where intoxicated students are held and monitored until their Blood Alcohol Level (BAC) reaches a certain ‘safe’ level.

Under her proposal, students would then be released and issued with a $200 bill, payable within one week (unless the student can prove financial hardship). If the bill is not settled within that time, it would be forwarded to the student’s parent.

Reddy has made it clear that such plans

would be a long-term solution to the Scarfie drinking problem, and the effects gradual.

The plan is aimed at changing the entire culture of alcohol use in Dunedin, and addresses issues such as accommodation and attitudes towards academics.

After viewing the plan, Critic can say it would have been happy to produce a similar report for $100 and some free pizza.

Many of the plan’s points seem to be plain commonsense statements “38. Funding: Change costs money. Seeking grants form [sic] key stakeholders will be important.” “39.

Measure: It is important that we find a way to show what has been achieved, especially when it comes to funding.” Others are throwaway aspirational taglines: “40. If we don’t have faith this will come about, we will lose hope and focus very easily. Slavery was abolished, smoking is no longer in the workplace, and women have the vote.

Changing a culture’s beliefs is possible.”

There are also some initiatives which are unlikely to appeal to anyone over the age of ten, including a plan to help students manage their ‘buzz’ by sending them texts reminding them to drink water and eat food while out on a Saturday night.

OUSA President Harriet Geoghegan was non-committal regarding the plan, “We’re supportive of measures to minimise harm but we’re yet to make a call on how far to go with it.”

“Having one person stepping back and taking a holistic view about Otago’s drinking culture is a good thing,” Geoghegan says.

“Even if some of the ideas seem simple or obvious and some of them may have been initiated already.”

Monday “Investigations on Sustained-Release Eudragit RLPO Matrices Prepared by Direct Compression.”

1 pm, Room 713, Adams Building.

Tuesday “Monitoring Tissue Repair and Regeneration by means of Macrophotography, Microphotography, and High-Frequency Diagnostic Ultrasound.”

1 pm, Red Lecture Theatre, Scott Building.

Wednesday “Antievolution: from Creation Science to Intelligent Design.”

5.15 pm, Archway 2.

Thursday “The Whole Earth Geohydrologic Cycle: from the Clouds to the Core.”

1 pm, Benson Common Room, Geology Department.

Friday Religion Research Seminar: “The Role of Spirituality in New Zealand Cancer Care.”

1 pm, Seminar Room 4.C.11, Burns Building.

The fate of the Design Department was sealed last week by the University Council, which voted to pass the proposed recommendations from the Senate.

The recommendations state that the Design Department should be disestablished, and deleted as a major subject. Transitional arrangements are to be made for students currently enrolled in a Design degree, to enable them to complete their degree within a reasonable time. Design Studies will continue to exist as a minor subject.

Vice Chancellor Sir Professor David Skegg once again assured students that Design Studies will be preserved, and that they will not be shipped off to the Polytechnic. No timetable for the changes could be given, with Sir Professor Skegg elusively stating “sometime” and “not in a few weeks.”

OUSA President Harriet Geoghegan once again spoke out against the move on two grounds. She said that students don’t want the department to be shut, and that the proper process wasn’t followed. Geoghegan ended her spiel by calling for more tertiary funding from the Government for the whole sector. Despite this, the Council was not

swayed, and the motion passed with three dissenting.

A large media contingent was present at the meeting, with the Otago Daily Times being sternly berated by Sir Professor Skegg for their shoddy reporting. Sir Professor Skegg blamed the ODT for much of the miscommunication and misconceptions surrounding the Design Department closure, stating that the ODT is responsible for the understanding around the country that the department has been permanently shut.

Critic noted with interest ODT reporter Allison Rudd’s rosy cheeks sudden interest in her notepad at this point.

A number of Design students were also present, including the leaders of the silent protest. None of them spoke during the meeting.

An additional change that was barely mentioned was the establishment of a Department of Applied Sciences. The department of Food Science / Clothing and Textile Sciences will become the Department of Food Science, and Clothing and Textile Sciences staff will transfer to the new Department of Applied Sciences. This confusing reshuffle is intended to save costs.

A new group on campus is aiming to protect the lives and advance the interests of animals through the legal system. Student Animal Legal Defence Fund (SALDF) is the student branch of the international organisation the Animal Legal Defence Fund, a non-profit group devoted to enhancing the welfare and legal status of animals.

SALDF intends to advocate the addition of animal law courses to the Law School curriculum, and host speakers, debates, panels, and conferences. Additionally, it will encourage members to write law review articles for journals dedicated to animal law, campaign on campus to raise awareness about animal issues, and volunteer to do legal research for local law firms.

“SALDF chapters are an instrumental part of a growing national movement towards recognising the important body of law known as animal law,” explains Animal Legal Defense Fund Executive Director Stephen Wells. Issues such as factory farming,

whaling, and animal cruelty sentencing are very topical in the media and politics.

Increasing numbers of Law students and attorneys are looking to use their degrees to protect and advance the interests of animals, and to recognise that, despite animals’ legal categorisation as “property,” there are special relationships between humans and animals that the law should account for. Wells points out that “SALDF chapters are in a unique position to powerfully advocate for changing laws to better protect animals.”

The first Student Animal Legal Defense Fund (SALDF) chapter was established in 1992 at Lewis & Clark Law School in the US. Otago Law School has become the 151st chapter, and the only one in the Southern Hemisphere. So far, the Otago SALDF has nearly forty members, and anyone else interested in joining should contact Danielle at otagosaldf@gmail.com.

For more information, visit aldf.org.

The Proctor was getting ready to attend his granddaughter’s birthday party when I arrived to interview him this week, although he also allowed of his charges that “they’ve gone mad this week”. This might bring to mind visions of hordes of unhinged lunatics rampaging across campus. You have to remember, however, that this is the Otago, a well-known party venue where the professional classes of Auckland and Christchurch send their kids to drink and screw around for a while before taking desk jobs in Wellington, so “going mad” here resembles Skins rather than 28 Days Later. As a result, goings-on have been more stupid than freaky… … such as the young man observed in camouflage gear, camo face paint and a balaclava helmet lurking in the bushes outside St David lecture theatre one night last week. Campus security collared this jerk in fairly short order and discovered that a flatmate had dared him to do it (money apparently rested on the matter). He was sent home with a reminder that if he had picked up a stick at any stage in the escapade we could have been looking at an Armed Offenders callout.

Several second-years used the tertiary open day last week as an opportunity to pass themselves off as high schoolers, visit their old

If there’s one thing Critic learnt last week, it’s that Budget Revision (BR) is a bore. Officially, BR is when the Executive makes adjustments to the budget. Unofficially, BR is when Meager’s head threatens to explode with his sense of self-importance.

Motions were carried that the travel line be increased to $20 000, although James was quick to note that “If it was a bunch of ‘me’s, I could run on $17 500, but I realise not everyone operates the same way”. For the rest of the discussion, James and Welfare Officer Claire were engaged in a rather tense cold war, with James stoically requesting a budget breakdown and Claire claiming rather tersely that she had never been told a breakdown was necessary. Then James got all bitchy about the late submissions, to which Harriet retorted: “It’s about objectives and outcomes, rather than processes.” Clearly the Exec agreed, because Harriet and Claire’s budget increases to the campaign lines were carried.

Possibly Claire’s real problem was that she isn’t part of the boys’ club, because Michael and Walker’s Divisional Representative budget

halls, and get up to no good. This is a perennial problem stemming from the assumption on the part of most former hall monkeys that they possess a unique place in the RA’s hearts and that the staff will be pleased to see them. This is horseshit, and trespass orders usually follow.

Several guys were observed playing golf using beer bottles as balls. The flaw in this plan, obviously, is that bottles don’t go very far, which limits the length of your drives. Airborne bottles also tend to attract the attention of Campus Watch, who can play hell with your short game.

The Proctor also has a new number for campus security, and invites all those with security concerns to use it. It’s 0800-479-5000.

Dumb idea of the week A young guy was observed climbing a fence into someone’s backyard, whipping it out, relieving himself and going on his way one evening last week. The occupants of the house called campus security, who collared their man fairly quickly, as his cellphone had fallen out of his pocket during the fact, allowing them to track him down “like an elephant through snow” and send him away for summary castration.

line increases passed without a hitch.

Alas, yet another Execcie has resigned, this time the Health Sci Rep Presant Singh, who was just too busy to do the job. A motion was passed thanking him for his contribution, and wishing him the best. Ros’ addition, that OUSA “misses our angry lesbian Health Sci Rep,” was deemed too silly to pass.

Excitement abounded when Imogen, Michael, and Shonelle found themselves in yet another epic face off, this time for the Senate vacancy. James backed Michael, muttering something chauvinistic as an explanation. Steph also backed Michael, as she looked dotingly in his direction. Despite this, the very able Imogen won out in Desirable Position: The Rematch, and was voted onto the Senate.

The meeting ended with a wee rant from everyone’s favorite policy whiz, who lamented Harriet’s motion to throw out all the old motions. Dan gave a wee run-down on the history of a few motions, stating “There’s something in there for everyone to hate” should all the old motions be expelled from the books.

Another one bites the dust

Otago Powerbroker

The second OUSA Executive resignation of the year occurred last week as Health Sci Rep Presant Singh quit his post, citing a busy schedule that meant he could not fulfil his duties.

By-elections for the now open post in Health Sciences, and for the already vacated Postgraduate Rep position, will now be held on May 26 to 27, closing at 4 pm. Nominations for the two posts open on today and close on May 24.

The University of Otago is part of a new, select, international group of outstanding universities, dubbed the ‘Matariki Network of Universities’ (MNU). Members of the MNU are research-intensive and campus-based, with a focus on providing a high-quality student experience. The Group is working towards enhanced student exchange, development of joint postgraduate programmes, and shared sporting and cultural activities between member universities.

With its symbolic Maori name referring to both new beginnings and the name for a group of stars known as the Seven Sisters, the MNU aims to achieve collaboration in projects that will promote international development.

Other partners in the MNU are Dartmouth College (est 1769, USA); Durham University (1832, England); Queens University (1841, Canada); the University of Tubingen (1477, Germany); the University of Western Australia (1911, Australia); and Uppsala University (1477, Sweden).

– Gregor Whyte

The College that Cried Wolf Knox College got a little hot under the collar on Wednesday night last week, with not one, but two, fire evacuations on the same night.

Both callouts involved multiple fire appliances, and residents were forced out into the night air for a little bit of bonding.

Critic attempted to contact Knox College for comment on the incident numerous times, but apparently it is College policy never to answer a ringing phone. We are assuming they all perished in the fires.

– Gregor Whyte

– Teuila Fuatai

Simon Moore SC is a real-world Denny Crane - without the mad-cow. A Crown Prosecutor for Auckland since 1994, Moore has appeared in a number of New Zealand’s most prolific criminal trials. Animated and knowledgable, he spoke to graduating Law and Commerce students over the weekend. Critic caught up with him last week to discuss his career, those cases and the New Zealand legal system.

What attracted you to prosecution over other branches of the law?

Nothing... I fell into it and it was at a time, as it is now, when law jobs were very difficult to get. I [think I] would have been much more interested in defending, but what I have found with prosecuting is that, in fact, you get much closer to people who are adversely affected by crime. I have found it extremely rewarding. But it would be fair to say that I fell into it.

You have appeared on behalf of the Crown against a number of notably violent offenders – Antonie Dixon, William Bell, Malcolm Rewa – how does one go about approaching the prosecution of such crimes?

I think you go about prosecuting those crimes with exactly the same kind of approach that you go about prosecuting any crime. The enormity of some of these crimes means that there are different sorts of pressures on you in terms of some of the aspects of the prosecuting, but it doesn’t change the core way you would approach the presentation of the case or anything like that.

What case are you working on or preparing for at the moment?

On Monday [today], I start a five week murder trial for the killing of Sgt. Don Wilkinson who was shot and killed after he and another had been discovered putting a tracking device on a car in Mangere.

As one who is wholly involved and invested in the New Zealand legal system, do you believe it is effective?

I think that we have a really good reason to be reassured and very positive about our justice system. There are problems which emerge from time to time, but the fact that we do confront them when they do arise, I think is something that should make everyone pleased.

What areas do you view as the most in need of improvement?

I think that one of the real issues confronting the criminal justice system is the delays in getting criminal trials to court. But that is a problem that is being examined at the moment and already, we are seeing improvements being made.

You are speaking at the ceremony for Graduating Law and Commerce students over the weekend, what is the key message you hope to convey to your audience?

One of the things I am going to say is that life is full of surprises and nothing, nothing is what you expect it to be and nothing will remain as you expect it to be. Essentially, be adaptable and be prepared to change when you need to.

Things You Probably Didn’t Know About The Human Body

1.

There are about ten times as many bacterial cells in the human body as human cells.

2.

Newborn babies often lactate (produce breast milk), because they’re born with their mum’s hormones in their blood.

3.

The muscle that makes men, um … retract in the cold is called the cremaster muscle.

4.

The appendix is a little bag that looks a bit like a tail hanging off the start of the large intestine. It doesn’t seem to have any point, and some scientists think it might be left over from when our ancestors ate more leafy things and needed an extra stomach.

5.

The fattiest organ in your body is the brain.

6.

The amount of energy your body can get from every gram of alcohol is in between the amount it can get from sugar and how much it can get from fat. The fresher five can’t all be blamed on Hall food.

7.

Humans have seven vertebrae (back bones) in our necks; this is the same number as giraffes.

8.

Nerve cells are the longest cells in the human body. Because they have to carry signals all the way from the spinal cord to, for example, your toe, they are often as much as a metre long.

9.

Your stomach and intestines have their own nervous system, which is mostly independent of your brain. If you take out a piece of intestine from an animal (or human …) and keep it in the right conditions, it can keep moving on its own.

10. Blood looks red, but it’s mostly made up of a yellowy liquid called plasma, which has red and white blood cells floating in it.

11. Onions make you cry because they release a gas that reacts with the water in your tears to make sulfuric acid.

12. When you look at someone you’re attracted to, your pupils dilate (get bigger).

13. Asparagus makes most people’s pee smell funny – but only about a fifth of people are able to smell it.

14. People are born with around 300 bones, but many of them fuse as you grow up, so an adult only has 206.

15. The heart creates enough pressure when it pumps to squirt blood about nine metres.

16. It’s not true that we only use ten percent of our brains. Every bit has something important to do.

17. On average, people who are right-handed live longer than lefthanded people.

18. Women are more likely to get pregnant if they orgasm during foreplay or sex. Critic doesn’t recommend this as a contraceptive measure, however. Not only is it no fun at all, the key phrase here is ‘not likely’ – note, not ‘impossible’.

19. A normal man will release as many as 500 million sperm when he ejaculates (comes).

20. There are around 100 000 kilometres of blood vessels in the body.

21. Toxoplasma gondii is a parasite that is passed from cats to humans.

It has been linked to several psychiatric conditions, including schizophrenia. Maybe this explains the crazy cat ladies?

22. Women get bladder infections more often than men because their urethra, the tube leading from the bladder to the outside, is much shorter. In women, it’s usually about four centimetres. In men?

Well … that depends …

23. Information travels from one cell to another in your brain at a minimum of 416kph.

24. Veins look blue because the blood in them lacks oxygen. The blood in arteries is bright red, but they are deeper into your body and not usually visible through the skin.

25. The biggest muscle in the human body is the gluteus maximus in your butt cheeks.

26. If you notice that you often sneeze when you walk out of the dark lecture theatre into the bright Dunedin sunshine, you can blame your parents. Sneezing when suddenly exposed to bright light is called photic sneezing, and it’s a genetic condition.

27. Astronauts don’t burp in space. Without gravity, there is nothing to separate the gas in their stomachs from the liquid.

28. Your brain can’t sense pain. This is lucky, because brain surgery is always performed on conscious patients so that the doctors can monitor brain function.

29. The largest organ in the body is the skin. An adult man’s skin has a surface area of about 1.9 m2.

30. TV doctors who yell “He’s flatlining, get me the paddles, stat!!!” are idiots. Defibrillation (giving the heart electric shocks) is actually done when someone’s heart is beating very irregularly – so the monitor shows lots of spiky lines, not a flatline. Flatline = death.

31. Humans have as many hairs per square centimetre of their bodies as chimpanzees – ours are just finer.

32. The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razorblades.

That’s not an invitation to eat one, idiot.

33. The foreskins from circumcised babies can be used to make skin grafts. Apparently, one foreskin can be grown to make a graft the size of five or six football fields.

34. Farts are mostly gas produced by the bacteria living in the gut.

35. The outer layer of the eye has no blood supply; it gets oxygen straight from the air.

36. When you ‘hurt your funnybone’, it feels so strange because what’s actually been bumped is the nerve in that part of the arm. The name funnybone comes from a bad pun – the name of the bone in the upper arm is the ‘humerus’, which some people apparently find humorous.

37. The longest word in the English language (excluding words made up just to be long) is pseudopseudohypoparathyroidism, a condition that causes skeletal abnormalities.

38. About 1 in every 500 people has an extra rib.

39. The stereotype about Asians not being able to handle their drink has some truth to it. A deficiency in an enzyme called acetaldehyde dehydrogenase, which is important in breaking down alcohol, is much more common in parts of Asia than in the West.

40. The little dangly bit at the back of your throat is called the palatine uvula, and it helps to stop food going up your nose when you swallow. Some languages, such as Tinglit, a Native American language, involve using it to make sounds.

41. Your liver has over 500 functions. Without a functional liver, you’d die very quickly. Think of your liver this weekend – it really, really, doesn’t like it when you get OTP.

42. About a third of faeces (poo) consist of dead bacteria.

43. Sperm can survive inside the female reproductive system for five days.

44. The biggest blood vessel in your body is your aorta, which is the blood vessel that leaves the left side of your heart and runs downwards through your body. It has about the same diameter as a garden hose.

45. About half of all adults have a mite called Dermodex folliculorum living in their eyelashes.

46. Hair and fingernails don’t actually keep growing after you die. The rest of the body shrivels up a little, making them look longer.

47. A baby’s head is one-quarter of the baby’s length, but by age 25 it will only be one-eighth of its total length.

48. Approximately one to five percent of people have one or more extra nipples, usually on the abdomen. More rarely, some women can have extra breast tissue as well, or even entire breasts, which produce milk after childbirth and can be used to breastfeed.

49. Although no one really knows exactly why we hiccup, hundreds of ‘cures’ exist. One of the wackiest is ‘digital rectal massage’ – in non-medical terms, sticking a finger up someone’s bum and wiggling it around. This suggestion has actually been published in two medical journals. The real concern is the mental health of the doctor who went “Hmmm, can’t stop this guy’s hiccups – what should I try next? Oh! I know …”

50. When men experience a drop in social standing, their testosterone (male sex hormone) levels fall.

51. Babies are born with accents – they cry differently depending on their native language.

52. The small intestine is four times as long as the average man is tall.

53. Approximately 100 million acts of sexual intercourse occur somewhere in the world each day.

54. Hypertrichosis lanuginosa is a genetic disease that causes a thick growth of hair over the entire body apart from the soles of the feet and the palms of the hands. It’s often called ‘werewolf syndrome’ – though really they look a bit more like Wookiees.

55. People with gum disease are more likely to get heart problems.

56. On average, sex lasts for two minutes.

57. The ‘blueprint’ for a human is written in DNA. It is written in four ‘letters’: chemicals called adenine, guanine, thymine, and cytosine. Each of these nucleotides is matched to another, and it takes 30 billion of these base pairs to write the genetic code.

58. Hair and fingernails are made out of the same material.

59. The brown colour in faeces comes from broken-down red blood cells. Red blood cells are constantly being recycled, and some of the products from their breakdown are secreted into the intestine as part of bile.

60. The fish tapeworm is a common intestinal parasite, particularly in the developing world. Its usual length is four to ten metres, and it can live for 20 years.

61. Right after your mum and dad’s sperm and egg fused together, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.

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Smile, You’re on Overheard @ Uni of Otago!

I have to admit it – I like following trends as much as I like following Justin Bieber on Twitter. I’m a complete sheep. A tights-as pants-wearing, bubble tea-drinking, dubsteplistening sheep. I even sort of wish I was an Aucklander. They are cool. They set trends for me to follow!

But the biggest trend to hit campus, via the holy medium of Facebook, has filled my little wannabe heart with fear. See, I pay more attention to Facebook than I will possibly pay to my first-born. It is where many important trends develop. I join all the popular groups (i.e. ‘My turbans bring Chuck Norris to the yard, and they’re like, I hate Studylink …’), I say I’m attending all the popular parties (Kate’s …), and I upload photos of myself being all trendy and shit. But perhaps the most important Facebook fad I have participated in this year is that of Overheard @ Uni of Otago. This one little ‘Just For Fun – Totally Random’ group has turned us all into voyeuristic, crazed, Richard Nixon-esque Big Brothers. I am both obsessed and terrified.

I watched this group evolve to its monster-proportions via my newsfeed. There are nearly seven thousand members in total. But Overheard @ Uni of Otago is not confined to within the walls of Facebook (see what I did there?) – in order for it to work, this group has to seep into our everyday lives. I prowl around campus like a ninja, listening out for those poor students who are unwittingly sharing their most shameful secrets in my vicinity.

I sit in lectures, gleefully waiting for someone to make an embarrassing mistake. I gather quotes and anecdotes like a deranged magpie, achieving a sadistic pleasure when the fruits of my efforts are rewarded with people who I don’t even know pressing the ‘like’ button on my wall post.

But of course it works the other way, too. I am a blatant gossip. When I get excited, I tend to exaggerate a teeny bit, and I speak loudly. Like, I have this friend I don’t see very often, right? The only time we really get to have a juicy goss sesh is right before our only shared lecture. However, thanks to Overheard, everyone around us is a potential threat.

Everyone. Even the mature students. Our peers sit there, their poisonous pens poised at the ready, laptops ominously open. Don’t try to tell me they’re innocently waiting for the lecture to begin. They’re not. They’re waiting to pounce. Just mention the word ‘herpes’ and you’re a goner: you will be ‘anonymously’ mocked in front of MILLIONS of people (well, nearly millions). Even in the discomfort of your own flat you are not safe, for your flatmates may betray you! You happen to mistake the diced onion in your cheeseburger for rice? You ponder out loud whether glad wrap can be used as a condom? The whole.

Student body. Will. Find. Out. As George Orwell said, Big Brother is always watching. And while I’m not saying that Overheard @ Uni of Otago is completely turning us into Orwell’s totalitarian state, the huge popularity of this group means you never know who’s listening. It’s scary, it’s morally bankrupt, and it’s public humiliation at its most technological. But I kind of love it. (Don’t quote me on that.)

W

ell, looks like the Gulf of Mexico is fucked. Oopsy daisy. Not surprising, though – it’s just business as usual. Last month an explosion savaged the Deepwater Horizon rig and opened up the ocean basin to thousands after thousands after thousands of tonnes of toxic ooze. BP, you suck.

As you would expect of US champions of deregulation, they have the best and most sophisticated analysis of the spill. One person tried to come to BP’s defence by claiming it could have been an act of God. Another idiot downplayed the gravity of the situation, saying it wasn’t as bad as he expected. He likened the spill to a chocolate milkshake and with his amazing skills of inference, concluded that it would safely break up all by itself. I loved this exchange: Rush Limbaugh: “The ocean will take care of this.” Bill Maher: “That’s right, a petrochemical stew is very natural to wetlands. You know what, you dipshit? Mercury’s natural too – you don’t put it in your Cheerios.”

The thing about oil is that we have a thing for oil. It’s like cocaine. A naturally-occurring substance is, with a little technical expertise, turned into something awesome. We use oil for everything. Energy, plastic, paint, medicine ... lube ... New Zealand consumes somewhere in the area of 150 000 barrels of oil a day.

In historical terms, we are living a globalised party.

Big oil is also a literal party. Oil regulators and big oil representatives have been known to get it the fuck on. Wild parties, man. US Government officials from the Minerals Management Service have been caught getting on the booze, coke, weed, and hooking up with oil reps. Shell had to put up regulators in a hotel for the night because they were so off their faces that they couldn’t get home. This isn’t law school any more, guys, you’ve got serious jobs to do.

Big oil is also a little like crack. It’s amazingly addictive, a non-sustainable habit, cheap, nasty, sells itself, has horrible consequences, and dodgy things go down in its production. But in some ways this is an unfair analogy. Crack isn’t responsible for filling up landfills with plastic bags that kill wildlife. It doesn’t make for epic environmental devastation in the form of burn-offs and spills.

So, is oil like crack or coke? Which is the better analogy? I have to admit, it’s difficult to discern, having never tried crack.

T

here is a rather serious problem in being a socialist. If you want any credibility, then you should stand up for what you believe in. Unfortunately for socialists, it is rather easy to do this. They can donate extra money to the Government. They can stop using private schools and hospitals. They can pay their employees $15 an hour. They can take their pick from whichever movement or ideal they support.

And then they can burn several hundred dollars a year to make up for the extra bureaucrats they don’t have to pay.

If they don’t, it’s a little hypocritical. It is one thing to sit on your high horse as a middle-class (or even worse, upper class) charlatan and proclaim you believe in socialism. But having the tools to put your beliefs into practice and then refusing to use them is spineless and it should stop. Case in point: Sam Morgan complains he doesn’t pay tax. First, if he has any money earning interest in the bank, he will be paying tax. On top of this, there is nothing stopping him from – and the Finance Minister has even invited him to do so – paying extra tax on top of what he does already. Just whatever he thinks is fair would be nice.

It is no use complaining you don’t pay tax, and then nicely suggesting that the Government start taxing you (and therefore everyone else in your position) more. You might not think it’s very fair – well then, put your money where your mouth is and do something about it. Be proactive, it isn’t very hard.

And it’s wrong to donate it to charity. If you think the Government is better at spending money than private organisations, it would be irresponsible to support charities.

I can support charities if I choose to, but then I believe in the private sector. I believe in the ability to choose how to spend your own money. But I am limited: if I want to take out private accident cover, ACC stops me. I suppose if I want to pay less tax I could try. But IRD might have something to say. I should also note that I am taking out a student loan, and this is in line with my belief that the Government should support students who do well at a tertiary level. Of course I benefit from Government spending, and of course I cannot do anything about that if I tried. But that’s a problem socialists don’t have.

Perhaps part of the problem comes down to being responsible for your actions. I believe in this, so I try to take responsibility for what I do well, and what I don’t. Perhaps socialists, who believe in the state taking charge and shouldering blame for their failure, don’t know how to do something for themselves, or how to take responsibility for their beliefs. Or perhaps these feel-good socialists are looking for an easy way to assuage some misplaced guilt, rather than really helping out in the world.

T

able Seven (Upstairs, Corner of George & Hanover Streets) is probably one of the closest posh restaurants to campus.

Located above the SBS building on George St, the large windows that surround the restaurant offer diners a nicely elevated view of all the activity on the main street below, without actually having to be a part of it. With three distinct sections – the dining, the bar/sofas, and the ‘entertainment’ areas – the overall ambiance is modern, sleek, chic, and very appealing. The one thing that I really appreciate (and is a rare find these days) is that the tables are very well spaced, so diners have their own private space and are not bumping elbows with the next table or having to squeeze between tables to get past. I also noticed that all the diners received personal attention from the manager, Steven, who not only made food and wine recommendations, but also explained the background of particular dishes. It is finer details like these that make Table Seven the sort of place that I would think of going to after work for coffee and drinks and to relax and unwind with friends.

We started with the barbequed prawns and scallops, which were marinated in garlic and lime oil accompanied with a roasted red pepper arancini, which is in my opinion quite an interesting and unusual combination. According to Steven, they tried to remove this from the menu once and were met with vehement protests from their customers. The prawns were tasty and springy, the scallops were smooth and soft (i.e. not overcooked, which is common when ordering scallops) and the arancini, which is an Italian-style fried rice ball, had a nice crispy coating and lovely, richly flavoured rice within.

We then moved on to our mains. My friend was delighted with her

veal shanks, which were beautifully tender, had great natural flavour, and were complemented well by the very tasty horseradish mashed potatoes and smoked olive cassoulet. I enjoyed my succulent chicken breast stuffed with lovely, yummy, buttery asparagus and Parma ham.

The only disappointing item of the whole evening was the risotto that was served with my main, which was stiff and cake-ish.

Even though by that point we were already full, we decided to try some of Table Seven’s desserts and are lucky we did, because my dessert was the highlight of my meal. The vanilla and lemon panna cotta with almond tuilles and poached fruit was luscious, creamy, subtle, smooth, and the absolutely perfect exclamation point with which to end my meal. I must admit that as I observed my beautifully wobbly panna cotta, all I kept hearing in my head were the words of Top Chef Masters judge Jay Rayner: “Panna cotta, when set right, wobbles like a woman’s breast,” so I kept prodding the poor thing just to amuse myself. My friend’s hazelnut and white chocolate gianduja semifreddo was equally delicious – sweet, smooth and creamy – and served with gorgeous hazelnut glass biscuits.

Our entire meal, plus a nice glass of wine, came up to only slightly over $100, which is reasonable (and cheaper than some places) considering the impeccable service, pleasant ambience, good food, and larger portions that they serve compared to other posh restaurants. We were both completely stuffed and satisfied and I will definitely be returning for more panna cotta (and then some).

If you would like Critic to review your restaurant/food, please email food@critic.co.nz

Top 5 Ways To Score A Fresher

The way to a woman’s heart is long and arduous. Fresher girls are no different. Since this is the best and only advice column in Critic, I thought I’d share a guide on scoring a fresher.

Glay,

Unity Roots & Family, Away (2002, Pony Canyon)

E

veryone in the music business hopes to make it big someday; to have their face on the cover of The Rolling Stones magazine and their songs played on More FM. But can fame bring you true happiness? Try asking Japanese pop supergroup Glay. In the late ’90s, Glay was the biggest name in the J-Pop scene, having sold over forty million records and released seven number one albums, as well as starring in their own television show and having songs featured in advertisements for NTT, Meiji, KDDI, the East Japan Railway Company, and countless other bigname brands.

With such success, you would imagine Glay were on top of the world. Not so. In 1999, despite having their faces printed on the side of several Japan Airlines jumbo jets, the band claimed they felt “empty” and considered breaking up. They soon retreated from the spotlight and decided to work on something that would erase the void in their hearts that fame had failed to fill.

In 2002, they released the down-tempo Unity Roots & Family, Away. A stark departure from their signature bouncy J-pop sound, Unity was a record of slow, soulful songs focusing on family and friends. Gospel-tinged opener ‘We All Feel His Strength of Tender’ sets the tone for the rest of the album: “Smile, smiles makes [sic] me happy / don’t be afraid, don’t worry kiss me,” lead singer Teruhiko Kobashi croons, exuding the new-found peace within the band.

Other highlights include slow-burning ballad ‘girlish MOON’ and ‘Karera no HOLY X’MAS’, a tender Christmas-themed tune that would make even the Trans-Siberian Orchestra proud. However, Glay save the best until last with closing track ‘ALL STANDARD IS YOU ~END ROLL~’, in which guest rapper MC Headcrack laments: “The life of a hood nigga, heartbroken, still copin’ / shed so many tears got me soakin’ wet,” a hard-hitting couplet that serves as the logical conclusion to an album by a Japanese supergroup coming to terms with their millionaire lifestyle.

Unsurprisingly, the Japanese public was not impressed with Glay’s new, softer, introspective sound. Despite going straight to number one, the album sold a paltry 400 000 copies, a far cry from the 2.5 million copies sold by earlier albums. This didn’t faze Glay, however, as they’d reached a point where they no longer needed the approval of their fans. Indeed, they felt the strength of tender from a higher place.

Get to know her: If you’re even going to get anywhere near her pants you first need to pay close attention to her. Listen to the things she says. Tune in to her. Provide some clever responses.

Make her laugh. My friends, this is just the beginning. Need an ice-breaker? No worries! Just say something like “Hey, did you read Critic last week? OMG did you read the Top 5 article? It was a bit weird but kinda funny ...” I used this and it worked. Once.

In a dream ...

Make her feel special: You need to separate yourself from the crowd. When she gets a haircut, compliment her. When she buys a new dress, tell her she looks amazing in it. When she thinks she is ugly, tell her she’s got a mean ass. Be there for her.

Sacrifice your time for her: Take her out somewhere nice. If you can’t afford it, just cook a candlelit meal for her. I recommend apple and apricot stuffed pork chops with sautéed potatoes, and a gentle helping of asparagus to tickle her taste buds. If you don’t know what sautéed means then clearly you’re an unromantic piece of shit, and you don’t deserve her! You are eternally doomed to a partnership with Mrs. Handerson.

Make her dreams come true: For that first kiss, make it perfect. Don’t go in too hard, or too soft. Lock your arms firmly around her. Make her feel like she’s the only girl in the world that matters.

The Truth: Hahaha! You silly goose, everything I just said is probably helpful, but also completely optional. Here’s the ideal way to smash some fresher box. Go to The Cook and approach a fresher (this covers about 95 percent of the people there). Then buy her a drink and tell her you’re third-year or something. Then she’ll be mad keen, so just walk right out of the bar with her. After fucking her a few times tell her you gotta get up early for, umm ... ‘exam study’ and kick her out. Wasn’t so hard after all, was it?

Anicia: Good parenting teaches a child what is regarded as right and wrong, how to become a selfresponsible individual that acts according to their conscience.

If parents fail in that, they might seriously screw up their kid. Therefore, one might argue that it is perfectly reasonable that parents should be held responsible for the criminal behaviour of their children.

The crux is: while we know in theory what good parenting is, there is no instruction manual that guarantees 100 percent success. One may raise a child with the best intentions and follow the latest parenting trend and little Tomo could still end up stealing his friend’s iPod, selling drugs, or raping a classmate. The fact is, parents do not have 100 percent control over their kids. The reason for this is that a child is as much an autonomous being as any other human, with unique ideas, decisions, and actions. And the older Tomo gets, the more his parents lose their influence. Peer groups, teachers, celebrities – all are important in shaping Tomo’s personality. This is how our society is set up.

One may argue that parents would care more if they were faced with a punishment for their failure, and that good parenting can prevent negative social influences. But would Tomo’s parents actually care more, or simply fear punishment? What base for parenting would that provide?

And how far do we want to go? Search Tomo’s friends for drugs? Home-school him and declare the playground a hazard zone? What about those parents who are willing to sacrifice everything for their children but simply do not have the means – the single dad who cannot afford a babysitter and lives right next to the cocaine dealer?

Before we offload the responsibility on the parents alone, we should turn an eye on the structures of our society. Instead of wasting money on building a new administration for ‘parent punishment’, why not put the money in the improvement of already existing institutions like the CYF?

Shou ld p the aren crim ts be inal held beha resp viou onsi r of ble f thei or r ch ildr en?

Harry: I’m going to convince you that parents should be made legally responsible for their children’s criminal behaviour. I understand this is a rather massive call, so I’m going to narrow down exactly when parents should be held responsible, and why this should be the case. Firstly, punishing a parent for their child’s actions would only occur for repeat offences by the child, and after it had been determined (via social work consultations) that the parent is not providing adequately for the child in terms of basic needs and /or a lack of behavioural boundaries. Obviously you don’t want to punish good parents whose child does something illegal one time, nor do you want to punish parents where the child has legitimate behavioural issues despite the parents doing everything they can to help the child with these issues.

With regard to punishing parents, this would either be done via monetary punishment, ordering of counselling, or, in extreme cases, imprisonment. This sort of system is already in place in many US states and some European countries, to very good effect.

The best examples of these system working is seen with truancy issues and minor criminal acts such as shoplifting and tagging. These parents provide little or no guidance to the child’s development of an understanding of right and wrong or legal and illegal, and usually don’t care what their child gets up to. Results have seen that punishing the parents is not only a way of providing some sort of punishment where the child is not legally able to be charged, but also provides a large incentive for the parents to actually start parenting and providing some discipline and guidance in the child’s life to give them an understanding of acceptable and unacceptable conduct.

If you can’t punish the child or the parent for a child’s criminal act, then what?

The child continues to grow up with a lack of guidance, discipline, and awareness of their own actions, and can easily go on to commit much larger crimes in the future.

Punishing the parents provides a way to improve overall parenting quality in poor parents, and leads to a better society in the long term.

Debatable is a column written by the Otago University Debating Society.

They meet every Tuesday at 7pm in Commerce 2.20.

“Girl, I have no passion for scandal. In fact, I feel decidedly unenthusiastic about putting my ego out there, as is our custom.” – Boy. Girl: For different reasons both Boy and I have been going through patches of life in which checking out the opposite sex, or even partying, have taken the back seat to other more mundane, less column-worthy pursuits.

For example, Boy has a job. For further example, I have mountains of post-graduate work to do and a box set of all seven seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Boys of Dunedin, I’m afraid you can’t compete with that. Not that you’d want to if you could see me in my over-priced pajamas, feeding myself grapes and mooning over Spike for hours on end. Seriously, Spike is so perfect. And the feminist inside me groans, and goes “Here we go again,” as once again the cliché of a girl mooning after a borderline-abusive control freak comes to fruition.

I can mock tween girls about their obsession for Edward Cullen all I want, but really, it’s the same thing. Okay, I’m lying, it’s not the same thing, since Spike is more that just a sulking stalker (see: YouTube, “Buffy Vs Cullen”), but the idea of a vampire who wants to kill you being sexy is much of a muchness. Ditto – almost every girl I know has a secret (or not so secret) thing for Chuck Bass of Gossip Girl, a character who is introduced to us as a man who has both conquests and “victims.” So, basically, I’ve been staying in and pining for fictional characters I would never want to meet in real life, eating breakfast for dinner and dancing to the Beach Boys with the heater on full. Winter must be on the way.

Boy: You’re not into things Meyer-esque either – that thing is being overplayed, and those movies have a patronising didactic structure, which is boring. So, you pick up a dictionary and find a definition of didactic and then, as you haven’t watched Twilight, think it really doesn’t matter. What to do? You can’t eat because there’s no food, which voids any plans to wash dishes. I suggest you sit down with seasons one to five of The Wire. It’s set in Baltimore. Baltimore is director John Waters’ hometown and favourite town. Keep this is mind and imagine a John Waters director’s cut of each episode. Sure, The Wire lacks the visual humour of a John Waters’ feature, but the characters are surprisingly similar: self-obsessed alcoholic ego-maniacs sit round fuelling each others’ transgressions over dead bodies. In this regard, could Baltimore and Dunedin be sister cities?

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hate to get petty and single particular advertisements out for excoriation, but ... well, I don’t have an excuse. I’m just going to. I probably should have brought this up during the Health Issue, but all these hand sanitizer ads are getting ridiculous.

The sinisterly upbeat musical accompaniment to one of these ads involves telling everyone to expunge their hands of all matter after every social interaction, or else! They sound like old pseudoscientific ads from the ‘50s that are totally disconnected from reality. You know the ones: a smarmy Troy McClure look-a-like tells us that our paint should be lead-based, smoking Chesterfield cigarettes is good for your lungs, and nuclear attacks can be survived by tucking yourself snugly under a table and waiting out the radiation with some tea, a nice book, and a biscuit.

One of the leading fear-mongering ads (Dettol, I think) convinces you that if you don’t use hand sanitizer, you’ve definitely got an influenza outbreak on your hands, literally. You’re getting sick because you don’t blast your hands with cleaning napalm after all your social activities, because bacteria is everywhere, you know.

Well, I don’t know if you’ve seen the movie Matchstick Men, but that’s pretty much where the people that use these products are going to end up: cleaning their floors and walls with bleach and going into fits when they touch anything from the dreaded outside world. I’m not a practicing scientist, but I’m pretty sure that we need to come into contact with a range of bacteria and viruses during the course of our day, otherwise our immune systems would collapse when we strolled the streets.

It seems like this paranoid hyper-cleanliness (or the attempt to create it) might be riding on the back of the swine flu scare. It’s still pretty recent in our minds, and ravenous advertising execs are probably chomping at the bit to nab all the germ-freaks that went out and bought seventeen surgical masks the day the media began whipping up pandemonium over porcine flu. It’s an effective way for them to sell their product, but it might just end up with the more credulous and impressionable turning into Michael Jacksonstyle germ freaks. You won’t be able to re-invent contemporary dance and pop, but you may end up living in an oxygen chamber for a good part of each day.

A very tidy wee scoop on Tuesday’s front page. ODT; did you find that out all by yourself? Oh, no, wait... That exact same story (with a less sensationalist lead) was in Critic the day before.

ODT in-house cartoonist Garrick Tremain was on top form as well last week.

A racist on Tuesday.

And an insensitive prick on Wednesday.

Nice work, guys.

“I just came so easily from sex I never thought I needed a vibrator” f I were a bar, I’d be in a small dark alley, my bartenders would wear scarves, and I wouldn’t be popular on Tuesdays.

If Peaches and Cream (112 St Andrew Street) were a person, it would have blonde hair, show its tits at parties, and look bronzed under neon lights. Coco Bella (20 Albany Street) would be a sultry older woman with cleavage you could lose some dimes in and you know she’d twist you six ways to pleasure eternity, then give you a glass of milk and a cookie. The Sheet Shuffle’s riding silicone this week.

If you’ve never experimented with sex toys, Coco Bella’s kindly saleswoman will get you on your way. From clit butterflies to raging veiny vibrators, she will guide you through the process of buying your first one. She may also suggest you start your dryer, suction a black, ten-inch dildo to its side, and hop on …

Coco Bella sells the ‘c’-shaped VIBE, a little clamp that simultaneously stimulates your clit and your G spot. The saleswoman told me to wear it while writing essays to stay relaxed. When worn during sex, the strength of the vibrations may encourage premature ejaculation. The texting vibrator only activates when your lover texts a number, which made my digital tentacles tingle in cellular delight. If you’re ready to graduate to 12-inch, rotating, clit-stimulating vibrators, then trust Peaches and Cream to supply wares of girth. Both stores sell little balls with weights that you insert and play around with to work on your pelvic floor muscles (Kegel). Do your sexercises, ladies: practicing that squeezing motion during sex will shoot your orgasm through the roof.

A note to the wary: if the box says “novelty toy,” there hasn’t been any testing on the materials, so you’re essentially stuffing your muff with bits of cancery plastic. Silicone, and German brands like Fun Factory (sleek and friendly colours), are the safer options. I’d suggest buying a cheaper vibrator as a first trial, then investing in a better brand.

Lest the men feel left out, Peaches and Cream has Fleshlights on display with vaginal replicas of your favorite porn stars! And Tenga has the Fliphole, a box that will press, stroke, and fondle your junk in pure, fleshy silicone tenderness. They also have a penis cup that imitates the sensation of different sexual practices, like double-entry threesomes, deep-throating, and the prosthetic booyah!

Robot sex is the safest kind of sex: frothing in silicone can’t fertilise ovaries.

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Kia ora nga Tauira o nga hau e wha, We are Te Roopu Whakakaha Tinana, commonly known as the Physical Education Maori Association (PEMA).

We are a student-led association and in our first year of establishment. Our main objective is to encourage the academic excellence of Maori Physical education students by increasing communication between students throughout the year levels.

With an emphasis on Tikanga Maori, this association is guided by collective values about what it means to be a successful Maori in the School of Physical Education.

In our first semester, PEMA has set up an office, which also functions as our resource centre, with textbooks and information for students. PEMA has a team of trained Ka Rikarika a Tane mentors who work with the Maori centre, providing support for younger students. A regular paddling session for Waka ama has also been set up on Wednesday mornings.

Last weekend, a group of PEMA students performed Waiata and the ‘Ko Taku Mana’ Haka at the Maori pre-graduation ceremony, graduation luncheon, and the Wall of Fame induction ceremony.

PEMA also had a part in the Sciences Big Day Out, and provided Waka ama tuition for sciences alumni. Last week, PEMA aided in the School of Physical Education and the Maori centre open day tours for high school students.

During the rest of the semester, PEMA will continue with the progress we have made by holding a meet and greet hui, a kai moana excursion, be a part of some more science outreach schemes, and strengthen our whakawhanaungatanga within our roopu.

The Executive for 2010: Krystle Mikaere –Co Tumuaki: Ngati Pukenga mai, Manaia and Tauranga. Studying: BPhEd. Renee Wikaire – Co Tumuaki: Ngapuhi and Ngati Whatua.

Studying: BPhEd (Hons.) and BA (Maori) Erina Bean – Kaituhi: Ngapuhi and Te Arawa. Studying: BPhEd and BCom (Marketing & Management).

Taryn Slee – Kaitiaki Putea: Ngati Awa. Studying: BPhEd and BA (Maori).

George Barsdell – Kaiwhakahaere Tau Tuawha: Whakatahea and Ngati Awa. Studying: BPhEd and BA (Maori).

Kendall Stevenson – Kaiwhakahaere Tau Tuatoru: Ngati Awa. Studying: BPhEd and BCom (Marketing and Management).

Chey Parlato – Kaiwhakahaere Tau Tuarua: Ngati Porou.

Studying: BPhEd. Brandon Manuel – Kaiwhakahaere Tau Tuatahi: Ngati Porou.

Studying: BPhEd. If you are interested in any of the activities or would like further information, don’t hesitate to contact us at PEMA@otago. ac.nz, pop by the office, or add us as a friend on Facebook!

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41

Letter of the Week

wins a $30 book voucher CARLES! <3 U!

critic shuld intro-deuce a lonely harts column [via relevant nz label] where we can ‘find luv’ vry1 trying to b alt, 2 hard 2 pull in sammies/bathies/southies waz ez to pull in gardies. but gardies no more. we2alt4ugardies. just want to find an altbro to laf at HRO/p4k with and spoon/4k 2gtha form a ‘authntic rltnship’ 2gtha wear hi top chux & denim 2gtha listn 2 neon injun 2gtha meow 2gtha 2gtha 4eva xx [via buzzband] iamcrls OH JESUS.

Dear Sir, I know the name ‘Critic’ has been around a very long time so Have I and it really sucks.

It makes everyone a critic, critical and I’m not saying critical faculties do not have value but when they rely on hearsay speculation, bitter drunks and schoolyard bullies for information then inflict their vitual verdict upon the hapless subject damage can ensue.

That is why the name Critic’ as an underlying key word, like ‘The Coons’ is way past its use by.

Yours faithfully, Sue Heap FRANKLY WAS OUT, SORRY. BUT WE’LL PASS ON YOUR MESSAGE.

Dear Frankly Today I visited your fine establishment, I got a sandwich, and it was tasty.

I was given 1.5 measly pieces of tomato and politely requested another piece. Then I was given two pieces of cucumber, I politely asked for another seeing as it only filled half of my sandwich and I was paying 5 bucks for it (plus an extra $1.50 for two measly cubes of 42

feta and $1 for sundered tomatoes) the girl told me that ‘we’re only allowed to give two’.

It is a FIVE DOLLAR SANDWICH GIVE ME ANOTHER PIECE? I SAID PLEASE! Surely the revenue created from the mark-up on ‘gourmet extras’ allows for one fucking slice of cucumber? I mean an entire block of feta is 4 bucks from the supermarket and that is retail price not wholesale. Anyway I half accepted until I saw the next girl gave my boyfriend 3 slices of cucumber. Clearly amongst all the ‘do you realise that will be extra’s’ the girl forgot to add ‘you only get another slice if you have a penis’. This is utter bullshit. I pay the same amount, heck I even bought his sandwich, and I don’t get one measly extra piece of cucumber because the girl behind the counter has no higher chance of getting laid from giving it to me.

Next time I will send my boyfriend to get my sandwich, I am sure I will get 3 slices then, Fuck you Frankly, you sexist prick.

THAT’S WHY THEY DON’T STUDY, LIKE, REAL STUFF.

Dear forlorn design students, I recently got asked to join the Facebook group, ‘Death to Design is Death to Democracy.’

I did not join this group.

Please excuse me if I continue to remain hopeful about the continuation of Democracy long after the Otago School of Design has hung up its closed sign.

Best of luck with your futures though.

Yours, A democratic optimist BOYS, GIRLS, GIRLS, BOYS.

Dear Critic, I have a penis, and apparently this makes me more susceptible to blame for shenanigans than our meat-wallet donning opposites. Recently I was informed of an incident involving a few young females and campus watch, resulting in a visit to the proctor’s office (a.k.a. Simon Thompson).

Fortunately for them, after a typical recycled rant no punishment was incurred. However he did offer a few words of wisdom, proclaiming that “if they were a flat of boys

they would have probably been fined.” As a Y chromosome holder myself, this went down like a half-cooked cat from chopsticks101.

In the words of the great John McEnroe “YOU CAN NOT BE SERIOUS!” How can he justify dishing out punishments based on gender, and not on the actions of the student? Unfortunately for us males, the immunity idol comes in the shape of breasts and a vagina.

But alas, we all know what Simon says, goes.

P.s. Maybe he wouldn’t have to dish out so many fines to pay for his power bill if he turned the lights off in St David’s once in a while.

Gender Confused CUTE. WANT HIS NUMBER?

Dear Andy Weston, Well I must say from one hyper-aware student to another: Well done, my good sir! Huzzah! It is excellent to see that someone has finally started to raise awareness for the threat of zombie attacks. It IS going to happen. We need to make a stand and stop those dead sons of b****es once and for all!

Yours Gratefully, A Fellow Zombie Executioner P.S. Hot Tip: Ignore the screaming blondes (even if they are hot), they WILL get you killed!

YOU SHOULD WATCH CHANNEL 9 NEWS THEN.

Here’s a thought, Why doesn’t New Zealand only have one news broadcast a week? It’s not exactly like the news they present changes much on a day-to-day basis. Exhibit A: Monday: Iceland volcano ash grounds flights. Oh no!

Tuesday: Flights still grounded plus interviews with stranded passengers Wednesday: Ash miraculously clears.

Nah, we’re just kidding -repeat above Thursday: Suicidal reporter flies close to said volcano-doesn’t actually die though A single report may also, mercifully, be the end of ‘stories’ like Bieber Fever and the

INDIVIDUAL EXAMINATION TIMETABLES

woman who found caterpillars in her muesli bar. I mean, seriously? 3 news took the time to send a camera crew to her house, interview her AND organise an expert to comment on the identity of the bug that had so rudely invaded the family’s ‘favourite healthy snack’. Granted, it was kind of gross, but not exactly what I would call serious investigative journalism. Slow news day much?

Something tells me that the people over at 3 news have waaaaaaaay too much time on their hands.

Regards, Tamsin HA! SEE WHAT YOU DID!

Dear pricks, Capping Show? More like Crapping Show! AMIRITE?!

Rock on London, rock over Chicago.

Neat, me.

THAT IS ALL WE WANTED, AN APOLOGY.

Dear Critic I, for my sins, am a ‘fresher’. I would like to publicly apologise to every single one of the 22,000 students studying at Otago University who is not a first year student for my irritating and cringeworthy behaviour over the past semester. Sorry for not knowing what the fuck the Link was on the first day. Sorry for looking like a sad lost child when trying to find my politics tutorial in the commerce building. Sorry for going to monkey bar that one time, ok two times before I realised it was shit. Sorry for walking up Castle Street. Sorry for wearing a backpack, I know how that gets you guys going. But I just have to ask why are you guys so much cooler than us? Apart from being a year older and a year further into debt?

Oh wait, that’s right you threw faeces and vomit at each other and got the toga parade banned-mature! You burnt heaps of shit and got arrested spelling the end to the Undie 500- good cunts!. And you let the University shut down Gardies, the design department and the Bowler- Scafie as! Man i hope by next year i’m just like you guys.

From,

Get Over Yourselves You Puffer Jacket Wearing Longboard Riding Wankers P.S I’ve been to the Octagon too, I forgot to apologise for that I know how sacred it is to you all.

THANKS FOR YOUR LETTER!

G’Day I feel like a rant so I turn to the nearest source right now- Critic So the university has turned into a machine, you the student are a number, an input The measure of output success: students involved in perpetual studies doing research on subjects like the how we can understand the language of dogs, why NZers are so fat and what made Wall St crash (yep everyone knows the bloody answer).

Come on get real, what a complete arbitrary measure of success of a university. Some subjects are not about research they are actually about DOING SOMETHING PRACATICAL like getting a real job, building things, desgining things in short making the ****** world go round.

Accounting lowest research paper, Why? Pretty Clear!

I would just like to add as a accounting student the reason I dont do research for accouting(and everyother accounting student) is that the choice between being stuck in a small office with aweful black coffee and reading 1000 page journals or being involved in a real job with real life clients, with good pay and cool work-life balance is prettier clear.

Mickey Clark

r be Examination timetables will no longe mailed to on-campus students. Instead ables students may view their individual timet will still on PIMS. Distance Learning students s by mail receive individual examination letter nts).

(NZ students) or email (overseas stude visit e pleas ions quest er furth have If you or http://www.otago.ac.nz/study/exams/ +64 3 479 contact the Examinations Office on c.nz.

8237 or email: examinations@otago.a

CALL FOR VOLUNTEERS

Youthline Otago, supporting youth development in our community for 40 years, needs you! Grab some mates and help collect for our Street Appeal day, Saturday 22nd May. Spread the word, spread some stickers and raise some money for this awesome service. To volunteer phone 4772461 or email youthlineotago@xtra.co.nz.

NEED MONEY?

May! Grants Round 3 Closing 27th A OUS t.

Gran A OUS Apply for an helps Clubs and Students by providing grants. Check out e/ http://www.ousa.org.nz/hom dra deals/grants/ or see Lee or San .

Socs at Clubs and

SECOND SEMESTER COURSE ADVISING AND APPROVAL

Advisers of Studies will be locat ed in the Union Building and The Link on Thursday 8 July 2010, 9.30am-4.0 0pm.

Change of Course forms will not be issued during the period Wednes day 9 June - Wednesday 7 July (inclusive).

From Thursday 8 July, Change of Course forms will be available from the University Information Centre.

OUSA RECREATION REVIEW

efficiency To evaluate the effectiveness and of OUSA Recreation.

Terms of reference available at: www. ousa.org.nz/events-and-recreation/get involved/ A, Submissions To the Secretary OUS @ousa.

P.O. Box 1436 Dunedin, or email donna rd 2010, org.nz by 4pm Thursday June 3 ation Recre A OUS al: identi “Conf d marke Review.”

To make an oral submission to the th rd please Review Panel (23 to 25 June) . include this in your written submission

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Motion Controller Movement

Platforms: Wii (coming out for PS3 and Xbox 360)

T

he Wii Remote catalysed the development of motion controllers for all major console manufacturers.

While swinging the remote around is fun, the question remains: is this a good move for the gaming community?

Currently, the Wii and PS3 have motion controllers. The Wii remote is the current standard for motion control, and while it is fun in some games, it has proven to be nearly useless when used as a gun or sword.

The PS3â&#x20AC;&#x2122;s six-axis controller has also been poorly implemented and has hindered rather than improved most games where it is utilised.

The Wii Remote now has an upgrade out; Microsoft is developing Project Natal; and Sony is working on the Playstation Move. These, while promising compared to motion controllers of the past few years, face two primary obstacles.

The first obstacle has to do with input and output. Traditional controllers provide simple input; current and upcoming motion controllers, especially Project Natal, take complex input that will need to be processed to produce similar output. The additional processing power required will likely result in smaller, shorter games with worse graphics.

The second obstacle is limited physical feedback. A swing, whether it hits, misses, or is blocked, gives no feedback except perhaps a rumble. The playerâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s movement continues past the point of impact, resulting in a discrepancy between the real-world state and the state in the game. While motion-controlled games are fun at parties, the bottom line is that they are a novelty, and if they ever do become prevalent in hard-core gaming, they will involve far more advanced technology than is currently employed.

The movement toward motion-control is distracting gamers and developers from plot, graphics, and physics in favour of party novelties. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s a gimmick, and not even a good one.

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New York, I Love You

Directors: Multiple

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mmanuel Benbihy, who produced Paris, Je T’aime, has again arranged an anthology of love stories with ten different directors. Each short was made in just over a week.

This film has a stellar cast, including Natalie Portman and Shia LaBoeuf, which provides some entertainment. It presents itself as an ode to the wonders of love, but the theme isn’t explored in much depth. Many of the shorts are less about love than bawdy humour. There’s an American Pie-esque sex plot with the object of a teenage boy’s lust a wheelchair-bound young woman; a man who can’t stop picturing his date naked; and a guy who gets really into dirty talking to a complete stranger.

There are some sweet ones: a father-daughter story, a caper/romance, and an insightful exploration of different religions. The best is a simple, sweet look at the love and adversity in an elderly couple’s relationship.

The tastefulness of these few is not quite worth suffering through the sickening whole. You could call New York, I Love You a mixed bag, but with a worse selection than Paris, Je T’aime. If you want a good romantic anthology, check that out instead.

The Secret In Their Eyes

Directed by Juan Jose Campanella

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he Secret In Their Eyes (El Secreto de sus Ojos) is a riveting murder mystery of the highest order. The film follows Benjamin Esposito, a recently retired federal justice agent.

Benjamin is still kept awake at night by an investigation he was involved in 20 years earlier, concerning the brutal rape and murder of a young woman named Lilliana Colotto. Wanting to come to terms with the past, and find new answers, he decides to write a book about the case.

Through a series of flashbacks tracing Benjamin and his alcoholic co-worker Pablo’s efforts to track down Lilliana’s killer, the case unfolds. Personally affected by the grief of Lilliana’s widowed husband, Benjamin feels a responsibility to solve the case, which leads him to go perhaps beyond the call of duty. He seeks to deliver real justice, something difficult to achieve in the corrupt Argentian justice system of the time.

At 127 minutes, this film is quite long. There were many moments where I thought, “Oh, this is the end,” only to see the story take another twist. This was not necessarily a bad thing, but for those with a limited attention span, just a warning. The convincing, sometimes quite harrowing performances by the whole cast, and gripping story-line, make this a film well worth seeing. It didn’t win that Oscar for nothing!

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The Blind Side

Directed by John Lee Hancock

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he Blind Side is the latest instalment in the long-running narrative that is the myth of white supremacy. Leigh Anne Tuohy (Sandra Bullock) is a wealthy, conservative mother of two who takes black teenager Michael Oher (Quinton Aaron) into her family’s home. Oher has been accepted, on a sports scholarship, to the exclusive country club school which Tuohy’s son and daughter attend. He’s walking around in the rain one night, with nowhere to go. Leigh Anne spots him from the car and demands that her husband pick him up.

She invites Oher into the home and he becomes part of Tuohy family. Michael is shy and oafish, but with the support of the Tuohys he lifts his grades and excels at football.

There is no question that at its core, this film is about race, but what does it say? Unfortunately, the racial representations in The Blind Side are entirely based on tired and worn-out stereotypes. The white side of the film is the Tuohy family, a model of stability. They don’t ever fight or argue about anything – a perfect home! And they are willing to open their home up to a black kid, from the projects across town, as long as he is dumb and non-threatening. The film goes on to paint the black community as a horror story. In the world of The Blind Side, white folk can’t help being generous while black people are criminals and gangsters who can’t take care of someone as ‘special’ as Michael. This film was in fact “based on real events” which is really the only way the producers could justify making it, an easy-to-swallow pill for white guilt.

Robin Hood

Directed by Ridley Scott

F

orget everything you might know about the original Robin Hood. There are no men prancing merrily around in a forest sporting tights to match the trees or stealing gold from the rich and giving it to the poor. Robin Hood no longer looks like a grown-up Peter Pan and Marion is about as far away from a damsel in distress as you can get. This is dark, gritty and a whole new take on the old tale.

Robin Longstride (Russell Crowe) is an archer in Richard the Lionheart’s army who, upon the King’s death, sees an opportunity to escape fighting for a cause he does not believe in. Sir Robert Loxley, a dying knight, makes him promise to take his sword back to his father, Sir Walter Loxley of Nottingham. On his arrival, Robin becomes involved in Nottingham’s over-taxation issues and pillaging attacks by England’s new tyrannical King and is forced to take a stand against him and, in the process, become the legendary Robin Hood.

Like Batman Begins, Robin Hood it is an origin movie, providing a back story to the fabled ranger. It isn’t as much about Robin Hood as it is about how Robin Longstride becomes Robin Hood. The film is dialogue-heavy and relies on only a few action scenes to keep the story flowing. This works for the most part, providing a solid and entertaining introduction to the legendary hero. Despite some issues with direction and moments in the film that are outright boring, the film is fun and entertaining for its lengthy duration. Expect a sequel.

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I

’m definitely at one with myself when I’m singing,” says Mark Hanify, the lead singer of orthodox Wellington rock band Supermodel. “I’m in the moment, it’s like when you’re in deep meditation; it’s the same kind of feeling. You’re in that higher level of awareness, and because I’m playing guitar as well, it really is in that state of mind. It just feels completely natural, you know.”

Raised by musician parents, and having, in his words, “sung from a very young age,” Hanify has been around music for the entirety of his life. “My folks were in a band in the eighties and nineties,” he reflects. “My mum is a music teacher, my grandparents on both sides, all my uncles and aunts, are all musicians. It’s quite a musical family.”

Fluent with guitar and voice, Hanify spent years playing in covers bands and teaching music. Two years ago, he formed Supermodel with his sister Rose (keyboard/backing vocals), Michael White (bass/backing vocals), and Tony Kemp (drums/backing vocals). Taking their musical cues from the classic theatrical rock of Queen and more modern rock acts such as Muse and The Strokes, there is another twist in the development of Supermodel’s sound.

“I was brought up on old show tunes,” Hanify offers. “1930s, 1940s, and ‘50s-style show tunes. Mary Poppins, The Sound of Music, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I think that has been a huge influence on my music, drawing on strong melody. A tune that you can whistle has always been my thing.”

Functioning around a straight-ahead rock template, and grounded in Hanify’s crooner-informed vocal style (“I’m a huge fan of Freddy Mercury,” he says. “And singers that have a lot of soul, but I’m talking actual soul, not the type of music. Singers who have really grunty voices, I like to mix it up a bit.”). Over the past two years, Supermodel has performed up and down the country to both tiny pub crowds and huge stadium audiences. They have played alongside acts including Gin Wigmore, The Feelers, Dane Rumble, Jonny Love, Knives at Noon, The Checks, and Frankie Stevens.

This June, Supermodel is headed to the UK to record their debut album with Welsh pop-rock producer Greg Haver (Manic Street Preachers, Opshop), a working relationship they developed through their recent single ‘Send me Dreaming’, which Haver also produced. However, before that goes down, they are taking part in a national tour of the course of this month. As part of this tour, Supermodel will be performing at Grad Party 3.0 (Sammy’s Dunedin, May 22). As Hanify concludes, “We share the same passion for music; our common ground is basically melody and harmony, and we hope you enjoy it.”

May 22 2010 - DUNEDIN - Grad Party 3.0 @ Sammy’s Dunedin 48

Caribou Swim Merge 2010

D

iving headfirst into a wash of haze and colour, Caribou’s new album Swim envelops the listener instantly. Dan Snaith seems more focused musically than he has since his debut as Manitoba at the turn of the century, as he steers the opening track ‘Odessa’ along the knife edge between haunted pop bliss and disintegrating dance loops. Previous albums have seen Caribou create a chameleonic take on different genres, to the point where albums such as The Milk Of Human Kindness could be positively or negatively critiqued as ‘Caribou does krautrock’. Swim definitely continues in that vein, and is a good indication of the musical environment Caribou has been inhabiting since moving to London.

There is a stronger embrace of the dance floor as the album progresses, but with enough defiant strangeness to display a unique musical vision. Kaili is quick to show Caribou turning the weird into the wonderful, with fragile vocals, reminiscent of Arthur Russel’s own, floating on panning and phasing synths and a scattered horn section. Unfortunately, Swim can become too similar to the fabric Snaith has cut his inspiration from. With his long kinship with Kieran Hebden well known, it’s not surprising that at times this can sound like the still-warm b-sides for There Is Love In You. But when Caribou shows his own colours again as the album winds down, there is no doubt he has created art to savour for years.

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Thinking of Answers – Questions in the Philosophy of Everyday Life

A. C. Grayling Bloomsbury

must admit to not being A. C. Grayling’s biggest fan: we’re in opposing camps on many issues. However, I do appreciate his role as a public intellectual, bringing philosophy (or critical thinking, if you prefer) to the masses. It’s a hard job, updating the laity on the cutting edge in academia, and he does it better than many others. With that preamble, I’m pleased to recommend Grayling’s latest book to precisely this audience: the (intelligent) laity.

Thinking of Answers is a collection of short essays about all sorts of socially-relevant issues, including ethics, religion, politics, science, climate change, love, friendship, drugs, art, and sports. Each entry is just a few pages long, and will take less than ten minutes to read. They’re Grayling sound-bites, if you will, but they’re less about what Grayling thinks than Grayling’s attempt to get the reader thinking for herself. And for the most part, I think they’re successful attempts. Most of the entries are thought-provoking, and not overly biased, though Grayling’s personal beliefs become clear when you read the book from cover to cover. The one thing I thought would improve the book was the inclusion of discussion questions after each article. I can imagine philosophical novices going, “So ... where to from here?” on many of these issues, and some questions to ponder might help guide their further thinking.

If you’re interested in thinking critically about current affairs and other existentially significant issues, but don’t have much of a philosophy background, this is a great place to start. It’s bound to be a great book for a discussion group too, though I don’t suppose that sort of thing happens too much these days. Philosophy majors probably won’t like it as much, but even they shouldn’t have too many complaints, given the undogmatic tone of the book.

B

Eternal Life: A New Vision

John Shelby Spong HarperCollins

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ishop John Spong is Christianity’s version of the Dalai Lama: a purveyor of an earnestly inoffensive spirituality, which possesses all the substance and fibre of lukewarm parsnip juice.

Spong dismisses fundamentalist versions of Christianity throughout his book, repudiating the Bible as error-ridden and mythical, rejecting much of traditional Christian ethics as abhorrent and perverse, and championing the scientific worldview over such obsolete dogmas as Creation, Paradise, Original Sin, and Salvation.

But, having dismissed all of Christianity’s usual content, oddly enough, Spong continues to call himself a Christian.

He manages this manoeuvre by giving Christianity the equivalent of a colonic irrigation, washing out the “religious barnacles” of “the old concepts” and thereby producing a warm and comforting ooze of amorphous spirituality in which he proceeds to wallow for most of the book. In the words of John Updike’s fictional Reverend Thomas Marshfield, Spong’s resulting theology is “a perfectly custardly confection of Jungian-Reichian soma mysticism swimming in a soupy caramel of Tillichic, Jasperian, Bultmannish blather, all served up in a dime-store dish of his gutless generation’s give-away Gemütlichkeit.”

While ultimately affirming eternal life, Spong necessarily engages in some agile mental gymnastics in order to do so. As a result, this book seriously rivals the vacuous, feel-good, pseudo-sapiential babblings regularly produced by the fourteenth Dalai Lama. Spong declares all of the traditional Christian language concerning eternal life, heaven and hell, bodily resurrection, and reward and punishment, to be “symbolic.” But in an offence against semantics, it is not symbolic of anything, but simply “symbolic” – as though the mere mention of the word somehow frees Spong from the usual linguistic requirement of having to make sense.

The most interesting aspect of this book is not its content, but the realisation that Spong appeals to a substantial proportion of self-confessed Christians (well, to be accurate, Anglicans), as well of those of unspecified ‘spirituality’ who have recognised the shortcomings of their faith but desperately attempt to cling to some form of it.

F Solar

Ian McEwan Jonathan Cape

ans of Ian McEwan, prepare to be disappointed. Solar may be the closest McEwan has gotten to a rush job. Indeed, I was dismayed, and about halfway through I kept wondering if McEwan had actually written the book himself.

Solar focuses on the current topic du jour – climate change – and even includes references to the Copenhagen Accord. But even being topical and relevant didn’t make it a good read. I was never in the grip of this novel the way I was with his earlier works such as Saturday, Atonement, or On Chesil Beach.

That said, in his defense, McEwan hasn’t shortchanged us with regards to his research. It would, after all, be foolish to neglect research when his protagonist is a prize-winning scientist. Michael Beard has grown lazy and indifferent (and takes credit for his students’ work), but is still flown around the world to talk about his great discovery and his research centre dedicated to solving the riddle of cheap, alternative power sources. He is a fat, slovenly, womanising waste of space, and I grew to dislike him intensely. This brought on the epiphany that maybe McEwan was up to standard after all. I could obviously actively engage with the book enough to begin hating the main character. Then again, it wasn’t an encouraging sign, that the only reason to keep reading the book is to see if the despicable Beard finally gets what he deserves. And he does. I probably should’ve started with a spoiler alert there.

Solar certainly isn’t McEwan’s best work, but that won’t stop diehard fans from flocking to the bookstores.

It’s topical and the characters are characteristically well written, though that isn’t quite enough to make me give a glowing recommendation.

T The Most Beautiful Man in the World

Jill Marshall Penguin

he blurb on the back of this book promised me a “pole dancer from Taranaki,” a beautiful man to be found “floating face-down in [a] Hollywood pool,” and “a tangled web of lies, sex and relationships that [would] keep [me] guessing until the last page.” Indeed, I was rewarded with all of these things.

The Most Beautiful Man in the World is a tangled mesh of personalities and personality disorders. Dr. David “Satan Himself” Osgood, for example, forces women into marriage to salvage his career, orders mistresses to have abortions, and “accidentally” kills a couple of people. That just sounds like simplistic character invention, but the novel is actually full of surprises. An apparent dimwit ends up as a bright postgraduate student, for example, and I was fooled into sharing beliefs with a character, only to find that the wool was being pulled over both our eyes.

I found this novel surprisingly good, but even the most masterful literary gastronomy cannot disguise the trashy ingredients therein. Engaging characters offer some form of saving grace, but one tires of reading description after description of beauty. If one woman had fantastic abdominal muscles (originally named “Abby”), another had waist-long Ophelia-esque hair. In, I suppose, some attempt to empower women, Jill Marshall makes all her female protagonists sexually aggressive women (SAWs). However, I’m not convinced that female readers will empathise with Marshall’s SAWS; I was left wondering why the hell someone would jump her tutor just because he got an erection over her work. Bewildering.

So, The Most Beautiful Man in the World is zany and compelling and should come with a warning label: exposure may cause procrastination. I wouldn’t necessarily recommend this novel to men because they’ll end up with unrealistic expectations of what turns women on, but then again, the porn industry’s done that for us anyway.

Anyway, give it a go because honestly, it’s got to be better than Twilight.

CORRECTION: In Yann Martel’s Beatrice & Virgil, reviewed in Issue 7, the protagonist Henry actually received a play, a Gustave Flaubert short story, and a note by the author of the play (also named Henry). The error occurred at the editing stages and we apologise.

Review Alice in Cappingland

Directed by: Thom Adams, Alex Wilson, and Dianne Pulham

I

am always in awe of the people who commit to a performance event of this scale in conjunction with fulltime study. As a ‘Capping Show’ Alice in Cappingland ticked all the right boxes; however, I personally think it is time to think of some new boxes.

The lead sketch was quirky and enjoyable. Most memorably, Skeggie [Sam Irwin] held a constant focus that, if nothing else on stage was funny, I could return to him and his naughty paddle. Special mention also goes to Louise Beauvink – although not part of the lead sketch, she has a masterly control over a ‘hammed-up’ acting style.

A variety show such as this relies on a quick pace and shock value so that the audience can be swept up, laugh at things they shouldn’t, and leave feeling somewhat tickled by the experience. This year’s sketches were often too drawn out as they grasped at every potential funny moment, leaving the audience to perform obligatory laughs.

On this note, the biggest turn-offs were the sketches that apologetically explain the lack of humour, ironically commenting upon the show’s shortcomings.

There were some funny gags. [STADIUM] Phew ... don’t get me wrong. [STADIUM] I did laugh. [STADIUM] I wanted to see some of these revisited [STADIUM] and developed [STADIUM] and thus become a structural device for some of the smaller sketches to hang off. [STADIUM]. I do, however, whole heartedly agree with the anti-‘tights as pants’ message and was well-informed (too informed?) by the introductory safety video.

I would like to see those in charge of this show push the boundaries and utilise what is available to them.

Instead of attempting to replicate the show that Castle lecture theatre allowed – find new ways to use the space. I reiterate that I respect the effort that goes into this event; we just need to see some exploration of new territory.

LTT Review Cicadas

Written by Rick Han Performed by Simon O’Connor Co-directed by Clare Adams and Hilary Halba

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A

s a reviewer, I feel responsible to respond to this show with the same poetic quality that Theatre Studies student Rick Han presents in his script. This, however, is an unattainable perfection. Han’s writing emanates honesty, truth and pain, indicating a maturity far beyond his years. I am astonished that this script came from the mind of someone so young.

This production was enchanting. O’Connor’s masterful delivery pulled us into Han’s world. His naturally confident but quiveringly vulnerable vocal qualities honoured the script to the utmost extent possible. Physically, O’Connor mesmerised the audience with a stillness that exalted the quality of the words spoken.

The design of this show, done with an intuition I have come to expect from Martyn Roberts, allocated subtle lighting effects and changes that also complemented Han’s script. The highlight for me was the image of O’Connor replicated through live feed.

I did not favour one perspective over the other, happily allowing the view of one to punctuate its partner. I was engrossed by the smallest intricacies that the filmed image picked up on: lips trembling, tears forming, eyes twinkling. The composition of this was also striking, with O’Connor placed in a very loose ‘V’ with the screen – the two images of him presented in conversation with each other; i.e himself

Dick Frizzell: Works on Paper

Milford Gallery Until May 19

D

ick Frizzell is a prominent and highly successful New Zealand artist, based in Hawke’s Bay, whose notorious artistic appropriations have become ‘Kiwi’ pop-culture icons. His work is characterised as being incredibly adaptive from one style mode to another, injected with deadpan humour, and evoking a strong degree of ‘baby-boomer’ nostalgia. His art practice involves the appropriation of Kiwiana iconography and incorporation of these images into his artworks. Frizzell’s most successful and best-known work predominantly uses the image of the ‘Four Square Man’, an icon that resonates particularly with small-town New Zealand. Frizzell began his career working as a commercial artist, and this background informs his work as an artist through his ability to blur the apparent categories between high and low art. His influences are clearly the American pop artists of the sixties, such as Warhol, Lichtenstein, and Rosenquist.

Frizzell’s exhibition of works on paper at the Milford Gallery can be seen as demonstrating his adaptability as an artist, and his ability to make fun of the established intellectualism of high art and make references to an established culture of what defines New Zealand identity. This is clearly apparent in his works Overnight Success (2009) and his re-appropriation of the Maori tiki in Cutout Tiki (2005).

These works can be seen as witty, funny, interesting to an extent, and not entirely visually unappealing; however, his subject matter may be seen to be irrelevant and outdated. Frizzell imitates the great American and European masters, but produces works that do not have their timeless quality. This is particularly evident in his painting, The Kiss (2009). The great American pop artists had a better understanding of contemporary advertising images, and were not only more intelligent and witty, but more in tune with the zeitgeist of their era in a way that affected one on a intellectual and emotional level. The reason this exhibition does not engage the viewer to the same degree could be that the canonical pop artists were more successful in conveying their understanding of the formal properties of what makes a strong image. In this sense Frizzell’s work is somewhat lacking and does not have the same ability to draw the viewer in.

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