SETTING A BOUNDARY COMMUNICATES:
● You are accountable for yourself
● You are committed to self respect
● You will protect your integrity
● You are able to enjoy balanced relationships with others
STEP 1 EXPLORE YOUR THINKING
EXPLORE
thoughts you have about this person
S/he Should/Shouldn’t:
S/he Ought to:
S/he Must:
some
advice for this person
S/he Needs to:
S/he Has to:
STEP 2 IDENTIFY THE ISSUE
“A Problem Well Stated is a Problem Half Solved”
TURN A COMPLAINT INTO A REQUEST
Turn your “Complaints” [what you don’t want| S/he is lazy] into “Requests” [what you want | I would like him/her to help me clean the house].
Example: “S/he is unprofessional,” turns into the request of, “I would like him/her to refrain from all personal calls during work hours.”
TURN AN OPINION INTO A FACT
Turn your “opinions” [subjective] into “facts” [objective].
Examples: . Opinion Fact . S/he is rude S/he interrupts me a lot S/he’s a racist S/he tells a lot of ethnic jokes
S/he doesn’t care S/he forgot my birthday
ISSUE OPTION 3
NEUTRALIZE YOUR LANGUAGE
. Debatable Issue
He is too loud
You communicate poorly
Neutral Issue [noun] .
The loud volume
The poor communication
We always argue These frequent arguments
We failed with this project
I donated to the charity
She plans to resign
I can’t believe she smokes
I failed in my marriage
He cheated on me
She is rude to her staff
The recent failure
The charity donation
The planned resignation
The smoking surprised me
The failure of my marriage
The cheating hurt me
The rude behavior
STEP 3 INVITE THEM TO MEET
INVITE & WAIT 10+ MINUTES
“Could you stop in after lunch; I need to talk to you about something.”
“Are you available to meet after the 2pm meeting today?”
STEP 4 ISOLATE THE ISSUE
Example
State the Issue [neutralized]: “The frequent use of sarcasm doesn’t work for me.”
Awareness Statement: “I thought I should bring it up now that we’re working so closely together.”
Your Turn
State the Issue [neutralized]:
Awareness Statement:
Example
State the Issue [neutralized]: “Regular tardiness has become a problem for our team.”
Intention Statement: “I want us all to be equally accountable and respectful of one another’s time and this is why I wanted to address it at the beginning of the meeting.”
Your Turn
State the Issue [neutralized]:
Intention Statement [reason why you brought it up]:
“You Can’t Heal What You Can’t Feel”
Example
State the Issue [neutralized]: “I have a problem with the way dad is belittled and put down every time his name comes up in conversation.”
Statement of Feeling/Need: “I feel uncomfortable when you speak poorly of dad and I need to know we can have a conversation that doesn’t disrespect him.”
Your Turn
State the Issue [neutralized]:
Statement of Feeling/Need:
Example
State the Issue [neutralized]: “The lack of help on this project has become a problem.”
Note Observable Behavior: “We have not been given any new content and there wasn’t a status report given at the group meeting.”
Your Turn
State the Issue [neutralized]:
Note Observable Behavior:
Example
State the Issue [neutralized]: “The constant talking during our meetings has become an issue.”
Consequence of Behavior Statement: “When there is a lot of extra noise in the room, I have to repeat myself and several people have mentioned they are unable to hear me.”
Your Turn
State the Issue [neutralized]:
Consequence of Behavior Statement:
STEP 5 INITIATE A SOLUTION
STEP 6 INTRODUCE CONSEQUENCES
Consequence 2
“If the talking continues, then I’ll have to leave the room/ask you to leave the room.”
Consequence 1
“If the talking continues, I’m going to bring up my dislike for the disruption and ask that the group also discuss their feelings about it.”
. BALANCE YOUR BOUNDARY .
Issue [neutralized]: “The constant swearing has become an issue and I would like everyone to feel comfortable in the group…”
Request to Solve: “… and I would like to request that you stop the incessant swearing in the team meetings; are you willing to comply?” [pause to let them respond and allow any response]
Consequence 1: “If you continue to swear, I’m going to bring up my dislike for the language and ask that the group discuss their feelings about it.”
Consequence 2 : “If your swearing continues, then I’ll have to leave the room or ask you to leave the room [depending on your position].”
STAY ON THE “GROW”
