PASSING ON GENERATIONAL TRAUMA

PASSING ON GENERATIONAL TRAUMA By Carrie Fleetwood, B.A., M.Ed., R.P. O.A.M.H.P.

HOW YOU CAN STOP

A FAMILY TRADITION

Chances are you were drawn to firefighting, at least in part, because you’re good in a crisis and want to help rescue people from danger. And I’ll bet your goal as a firefighter is to help strangers and comfort the devastated.

Yet, perhaps in your personal life you find yourself struggling to control intense emotions when you’re dealing with the ones you love the most.

YOU CAN’T UNDERSTAND WHY YOU HAVE ALL THE PATIENCE AND COMPASSION IN THE WORLD FOR THE PEOPLE YOU RESCUE - BUT SO LITTLE FOR YOUR OWN LOVED ONES.

You’re known as the nice guy or gal who’d give the shirt off your back to everyone in the community but you’re ashamed of the person you sometimes become at home.

WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD, MAYBE YOU VOWED THAT YOU WOULD NEVER PARENT THE WAY YOU WERE PARENTED AND WOULD NEVER MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES YOUR PARENTS MADE.

Perhaps your own story in your childhood included times of danger, perceived or real. Occasionally (or frequently) as a child you felt dangerous emotions were breaking out in your family or you and others around you were in actual danger. Maybe you flash back to these moments of terror when you get triggered to strong emotions by your spouse or your children.

Could you be passing down your own traumatic history to the next generation? To your own dearly- loved children?

LET’S BREAK THIS DOWN

WHAT TO DO WITH THIS VICIOUS CYCLE?

Childhood trauma takes many different forms, including: emotional abuse (such as overly-intense reactions to normal childish mistakes), putdowns, humiliation

and yelling; physical abuse, frightening arguments with threats of or actual abandonment, harsh punishment and shaming, hitting, kicking, beatings, events where caregivers were not accessible or

responsive (due to substance abuse or neglect), witnessing violence

in or out of the home, viewing the aftermath of violence, witnessing severe suffering, experiencing war, hunger, poverty, refugee hardship, racism, sexual interference and assault,

rape, abortion, youth pregnancy, etc. It’s quite a list.

ESSENTIALLY, CHILDHOOD TRAUMA IS ANYTHING THAT MAY HAVE CAUSED YOU TO FEEL TERROR OR NUMBNESS AND DISSOCIATION IN YOUR CHILDHOOD.

These events are experienced

viscerally (not just emotionally) and the body stores the trauma and accompanying physical symptoms of panic, fear, impending doom, hyperarousal and vigilance or numbing and shut-down. These

symptoms are also stored as automatic, reflex-like responses of the nervous system, including muscle tension, pounding heart, shallow breathing, heavy fatigue,

racing thoughts and more. When you were growing up, when your family had a crisis or stressful situation, your body was triggered to respond in these ways.

It was an uncontrollable reflex.

Fast forward to your adult life, to you as a spouse or parent today.

When you experience tension in your home, you may harken back to

the earlier trauma, to the feelings of helplessness and fear and the automatic physical symptoms that accompany these. Helplessness and fear is now attributed to the spouse or child who just “caused” these emotions to be triggered, and you may feel angry.

You’re angry that your child has “made" you feel this way, that they “made" you react poorly and now they’ve “made" you feel ashamed. Sound all too familiar?

You never dreamed you would find yourself overreacting, freaking out, raising your voice, grabbing, pulling, shoving or looming over your child. Here’s the saddest part: after

you’ve done this a few times, your child begins to feel rebellious and may become stubborn and difficult,

oppositional and defiant. They are protesting and sometimes copying your rage, triggering you to frequent frustration and helplessness as the

generational trauma continues.

FIRST, BECOME AWARE OF YOUR BODY SENSATIONS WHENEVER YOU FEEL STRESSED.

Your body tells you first, even before your mind, that danger is lurking. Your chest becomes tight, heat rises up your torso, your gut is churning and your mind becomes convinced that something bad is about to happen. It doesn’t have to, if you can learn to calm your body. Associate these body sensations with the original traumatic incident, not the current stressful family situation.

Use your mind to tell your body that you are safe and your fight/flight/ freeze response is unnecessary.

You’re not about to be hit, or screamed at or molested.

SLOW YOURSELF DOWN.

Think slo-mo! Slow down your body

movement towards the “crisis”.

Most situations do not require a millisecond response. Take a few

deep breaths, look around you or

out the window and notice that life goes on out there, let your feet move slowly to the “tense situation” (i.e. the spilled milk which isn’t going to be any less spilled because you run to it), focus on the body

tension and let it go as you exhale.

Remind your brain that this is actually not a crisis. This is normal family living.

CHANGE YOUR BELIEFS.

Stop concluding that your child or spouse wants to hurt you or make

your life difficult. Many trauma survivors believe their children are enjoying a “piece of cake” childhood vs the one they lived and that those children should comply and be grateful! Your child, on the other hand, feels shamed and shaken by your intensity and can’t possibly understand why Daddy or Mommy does this.

STOP BELIEVING THAT EVERYONE IS GOING TO HURT YOU, THAT NO ONE CAN BE TRUSTED, THAT BAD THINGS ARE GOING TO HAPPEN TO YOU.

Bad and good things happen to all of us. Stop thinking that you’re

a bad person, undeserving of

love, inadequate and weak. Start believing that you (and your family) don’t have to be held hostage to your intense emotions, that you can

learn to make positive and healthy behavioural choices.

One such healthy choice is to realize that your spouse is not the enemy.

She/he withdraws when you unleash your “dragon-fire” on them or on your children because they are traumatized, not because they don’t love you.

HAVE THE COURAGE TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE ANXIETY AND STRESS THAT YOU ADD TO YOUR FAMILY.

This means never blaming others as

if they “caused” your bad behaviour

and never using shaming comments when speaking to your kids.

ANOTHER OBVIOUS HEALTHY CHOICE IS TO STOP SELF-SOOTHING AND SELF-MEDICATING WITH DRUGS, ALCOHOL OR OVER-THE-COUNTER PILLS.

Choose to be transparent about your needs and don’t isolate yourself from others.

TELL YOUR STORY.

Process your memories. Talk about them with someone you trust.

Share your trauma and intense feelings with your spouse and turn to them for comfort. If you don’t feel comfortable enough to do this with your partner, fearing that they may not understand, or worse that they won’t believe you or think less of you, seek out an experienced

trauma therapist and start there.

Your traumatic experience will be validated and you’ll find you can move on instead of being stuck spinning your wheels. Consider working towards the sometimes monumental task of forgiving those who caused your trauma. This does not necessarily mean restoring a relationship as that may never be safe.

CHOOSE YOUR HEALING TEAM AND SURROUND YOURSELF WITH NURTURING FRIENDS.

Limit contact with people who bring you down – even if they are your

relatives. Seek out a life coach who can help you set goals to become your best self. Join a support group for trauma survivors. Find a good

therapist who will stay by your side and help you heal as you tell your

story. Seek out wise spiritual leaders who show balance and openness in their own lives and who practice what they preach.

MOST OF ALL, HAVE HOPE.

You can change if you humble yourself and build a loving, encouraging but challenging team of supporters.

STOP A FAMILY TRADITION. MAKE THE INTERGENERATIONAL TRAUMA STOP WITH YOU!