6 minute read
YOU’RE NOT WHAT YOU THINK
YOU’RE NOT WHAT YOU THINK By Nick Halmasy, MACP, Registered Psychotherapist
That’s some lineup of negativity but it’s not necessarily an exhaustive list of the disturbing thoughts we can experience in our marriages, relationships, and on the job. What’s the thread that ties these together?
Thoughts.
Thinking is one of the most personal events we experience and it’s something that has puzzled mankind for centuries. As a psychotherapist, I deal with thinking a lot. In fact, every person I talk to is thinking. And I am too.
In various ways, I try to help people to think in more healthy ways. Sadly, “Stop thinking that way” just isn’t an effective strategy. Often the approach to overcoming these thoughts doesn’t involve thinking at all. In fact, often engaging in actions or involving our emotions can sometimes be more effective.
There are some not-so-small things we should consider about our thoughts.
You’re not what you think. I don’t mean this in some existential way – you are you, rest assured. But, the thoughts you have are not a reflection of the you that you are. Intrusive thinking is a
major experience in multiple mental health issues – from PTSD to anxiety, and everything that lies in between and
beyond. Intrusive thoughts (thoughts we don’t want to have) can run the gamut from benign to morbid and perverse.
But – and it's important to emphasize this again – you are not what you think.
Follow this instruction: Don’t think of a pink elephant.
What did you think of? (For the small percentage of you keeners who thought of some other wildly colored animal, disregard this instruction!) The point is that most of you found yourself suddenly thinking about a pink elephant.
When you see a therapist, it’s usually because your thoughts aren’t benign. Often, you’re experiencing thoughts of traumatic calls – thoughts that occur at the worst possible times. Maybe you’re having thoughts of your partner cheating on you, despite having no real evidence. Occasionally, we even have suicidal thoughts. “I could never go through with it,” you might say. “But I can’t stop thinking about it.”
Thoughts can be disturbing, upsetting, frustrating, maddening and yet, they are utterly safe – as long as we don’t act on them.
We’ve all experienced this to some degree. We may have had intrusive thoughts about how a job interview went – hyperfocusing on where we might have faltered. Perhaps when someone you love needs to drive somewhere during a bad storm, you’ve found yourself unable to stop thinking about whether or not they’ve been in an accident. Thoughts, after all, are a huge part of how you spend your day. That’s obvious, but what isn’t always obvious is that your intrusive thoughts may not be your fault. Something else may be going on.
Here's the problem: extensive research shows that fighting intrusive thoughts or attempting to push them away only makes the situation worse, creating something called the “rebound effect”.
We feel driven to avoid some thoughts because we see them as almost too important – fear of failure is a great example of this. Trying not to think about failing can actually release unwanted chemicals into our system, amping us up, and making the very thoughts we’re trying to avoid come more rapidly and more intensely. A less important consideration, such as whether you like pineapple on your pizza, is far more easily dismissed.
Because failing is something you aren’t indifferent about, it might be necessary to employ other tactics to interrupt those intrusive thoughts. Clumping what I think of as “sticky” thoughts into two categories, current/real or hypotheticalis a good way to get there.
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Try this for a day: each time a worrying thought arises, write it down and label it as either
current/real or hypothetical. Then tally your list. Where does your mind like to spend the majority of its time? If you find that you’re not focused on current problems, you can join the majority of people who experience worrying thoughts! Shifting that focus on problem solving to current problems, if there are any, will help you to use that energy in a positive way.
It’s human nature to feel responsible for our thoughts and judge ourselves accordingly. For me, that process might sound like this: “A good person would never think of hurting anyone; I just thought about hurting the guy in the car ahead of me so I’m a danger and I need to be locked up. And I can’t tell anyone about this.” Shame and guilt can now be added to the sensations of anxiety and worry and all because I’m assuming responsibility for having had an unwanted thought. But, remember: we’re not what we think.
Depending on the severity of the disruptions, perhaps you should talk to a professional. Any thoughts that involve hurting others or yourself, or anything that has an impact on you for hours on end is likely not going to be an easy, quick fix and will require professional expertise.
