5 minute read
SIX THINGS TO CONSIDER BEFORE SAYING "I DO"
SIX THINGS TO CONSIDER BEFORE SAYING
By Geralyn St. Joseph, Relationship Empowerment Coach
Love is grand when you find The One!
But how do you know who The One is?
One of the most important decisions you will ever make is choosing who to spend the (hopefully) rest of your life with. It’s not a decision to be made on emotion alone, so you’ll need to come down off Cloud 9 and be realistic about choosing and committing to a life partner.
There are six major conversations you two should have before deciding that a life together is right for you. These are questions that are not always considered. We all think we know what marriage entails, but many marriages fail because the partners have wildly incompatible expectations.
It’s best to divide these topics into separate conversations as they are each important and should be considered thoughtfully. Some work well over dinner, some during a long car drive. Just be sure you aren’t the couple who are so caught up in planning their wedding that they forgot to plan their marriage!
1
GREAT EXPECTATIONS
Discuss exactly what marriage means to you. It’s important for you both to consider how your lives and your relationship with each other will change over the years. What are your expectations of your partner and vice versa?
2
WHAT’S YOUR LOVE LANGUAGE? WHAT DO YOU NEED TO FEEL LOVED?
Many relationships – marriages especially – suffer due to resentment. And the longer the relationship, the more resentment can build. When we don’t express our true feelings and let our partners know what we truly need, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Resentment festers when there’s a lack of honest communication.
It is essential that we let our partners know exactly what we need to feel loved. There are many love languages and few of us are completely fluent in all of them. Don’t assume that your partner knows what you need, or that you know what they need. Talk about it. It can save years of resentment and heartache.
There are five love languages: words of affirmation; quality time; physical touch; acts of service; and receiving gifts. Do you know what your love language is? What means a lot to you, and what does your partner welcome most?
3
MONEY MATTERS
You bet money matters. It can often be the single biggest thorn in a marriage and the cause for anger, misunderstandings, dishonesty and divorce. Now is the time to put your cards – and perhaps credit cards – on the table and have a frank discussion.
How will the money be handled? There are a few options: the "yours, mine, our ours" approach. Agree on who will pay the bills and how you plan to handle big purchases such as a home or a car. If one of you has a costly hobby (golf, motorcycling) will that be a joint expense?
Decide who will be responsible for doing the taxes. Consider if you will be filing jointly and who will or should claim any dependents on a W-4. Perhaps both of you should claim them to ensure you don’t owe taxes at the end of the year.
Will you have savings? How much? What about investments? Retirement? Even though it may be a long way down the road, it’s never too early to honestly address how you foresee your retirement and even the potential for long-term care for one or both of you.
The money conversation probably won’t be a short or easy chat and may take more than one “session”. But by giving each of these topics your focused attention you may nip some financial misery in the bud. And don't forget to write down what you agree on.
4
LIVING YOUR LIFE
This can be a fun part of the conversation. Where do you see yourself living? City? Country? Suburbs? Detached versus townhouse versus condo? Would a small apartment do? Buy or rent?
Or maybe you want a piece of land that is yours to modify to your heart’s content. Or dream of a cottage or lakefront home as well as your city address.
Will you travel? Do you envision road trips, cruises, sunny resorts, camping or a romantic train journey? Perhaps family visits will be your greatest priority.
Speaking of family, are you close to them? Consider how integral your families are to your happiness, and if living near them – or even with them – is important. Are you happiest with constant communication or a cooler, more distant relationship? Have you thought about how you will deal with aging parents?
5
WHAT ABOUT KIDS?
Do you want children? Maybe you have some already. If so, are you the main caregiver? If not you, who? What about disciplining children? How important is religion? Education?
Being on the same or at least a similar page is essential for raising healthy children. If you are both heading in different directions, it creates emotional instability. This doesn’t mean that you can’t adjust your plans or beliefs. In fact, being flexible is also essential. Every child has challenges and different personality traits. As a parent, you need to adjust to the needs of your children.
What if both of you absolutely do not want children? How do you plan to prevent pregnancy? Long term contraception should be talked about, including permanent options, such as a vasectomy or a tubal ligation.
What if you find that you can’t have children? How would that feel? How do you both feel about adoption?
Having these conversations before marriage can save a great deal of heartache.
6
WORK ON YOUR WORK ETHIC
What are your typical work weeks like? Take the time to consider how much time you each allot for your careers versus your relationship. Discuss your free time away from work and how you might spend it, including the option of further education. As a firefighter, what kind of support do you want or need from your spouse regarding work? How does this affect their job? Time and attention are necessary to do well at work and at home.
In short, make sure that you and your partner have a good sense of what you are bringing into the relationship and your future together. Talk about your dreams, expectations, and requirements.
