CQ#7

C Q #7 | AN INDIE POWERED PUBLICATION

HOT PINK A letter to the colour

FLUID DYNAMICS The ever changing identity

COVERING UP Wani Ardy on the hijab

HEART OF THE MATTER The films of Yudho Aditya

TIME OF TRANSITION Speaking to a Malaysian transgender lawyer

KEEPING IT IN THE FAMILY Minji Kang opens up about familial pressures

PEELING THE LAYERS Considering the celebrity of Robert Downey Jr.

SHAKING OFF THE MALAYS Alicia Izharuddin on race and the way forward

PONDERING ON PAMPERS Aisyah Ezral gets poetic about motherhood

ART LIFE Featuring the works of Zue, Asnizar Asmuni, Syafiqa Izzati and Jazelia Jasmene

THE GENDER ISSUE CHANGE THE ONLY CONSTANT

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EDITORIAL NOTE Dear humble readers,

Talk is good.

When I was younger, I was always the ‘tomboy’ type – I had short hair, refused to wear the dresses my mom bought me, and always preferred playing with Power Rangers action figures to Barbie dolls. Even now, at the age of 25, I still wear jeans rather than skirts, chequered shirts instead of blouses, and sneakers over high heels (though I am starting to embrace wearing minimal makeup and, sometimes, colouring my nails).

I never had any problem with my gender identity, but thinking about my childhood tomboy phase suddenly made me wonder: “Was I born in the wrong body? Why do I embrace my masculinity more than my femininity?”

As I get older, I learn about how the world works, as well as trying to better understand human beings and what we all go through on a daily basis. Gender and sexuality have always been touchy topics to speak about, and people have diverse opinions about them. These include gender-fluidity, transgender and LGBTQ+ issues.

In the seventh issue of CQ Magazine, we’re dedicating an entire issue to this theme. Manik Rege talks about the colour pink, and Jazelia Jasmene discusses the fluidity of gender. Wani Ardy opens up on covering up, just as Gene Tan, a transgender lawyer in Malaysia, sits down with us for an exclusive interview. Going beyond borders, Korean filmmaker Minji Kang looks back at similar pressures in her life, while more critical discussion on Robert Downey Jr., masculinity and stardom is proffered by Joyce Ng.

art from Shemsi Elsani, Lydia Koh, Zue Hashim, Meera Supramaniam and more.

Additionally, there is also a review of the book Young and Malay: Growing up in Multicultural Malaysia, just as Malaysian academic Alicia Izharuddin considers much of the same in the field of femininity.

This variety of voices provides ideas and opinions that may feel perfectly fine with you. Alternatively, it could also be seen as an example of political correctness gone mad. We believe that specificity, precision and accuracy is important, especially when it comes to identity of any kind. Rather than going overboard with anything, perhaps it is only now that we’re learning to speak in more specific terms about the truth that lies within.

Like it or not, this is an important issue.

For those who may not have struggled with such issues, this is a peek into the world of the other; just because you never struggle with your gender identity doesn’t render it insignificant. To the brave readers, who choose to identify with a gender different from what they were assigned with, or the lovely people who choose to not identify with any, I welcome you to read what we’ve compiled in this issue and visit our social links below, so we all can have a friendly and mature discussion.

Let’s keep the conversation going, ZAIDAH Z SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER

Our collage features ten opinions on how we can better understand gender relations, while seven interviews answer seven Freakquently Asked Questions.

Speaking of frequency, there’s the usual selection of rare and insightful works of

CQ Magazine is an indie powered e-publication for creative explorations adhering to a high standard of professional writing and journalism. The opinions of contributors do not necessarily represent the views of CQ Magazine.

Design inspired by Swedish Film magazine.

Licensed under Creative Commons.

Editorial Board EDITORS IN CHIEF FIKRI JERMADI WANI ARDY EDITOR AT LARGE EZZAH MAHMUD SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER ZAIDAH Z SUB EDITORS ABAH JAZELIA JASMENE NURUL ISMAWI SHEMSI ELSANI ZUE CONTRIBUTORS AISYAH EZRAL ALICIA IZHARUDDIN ASNIZAR ASMUNI GENE TAN JAZELIA JASMENE JOYCE NG LYDIA KOH MANIK REGE MEERA SUPRAMANIAM MINJI KANG SHEMSI ELSANI SYAFIQA IZZATI WANI ARDY ZUE FRONT COVER UNSPLASH / PIXABAY

cqmalaysia.com cqmalaysia hello@cqmalaysia.com #7 | CQ MAGAZINE | 1

CONTENTS

12 UNDERCOVER UNCOVERED WANI ARDY 16 WHEN I WAS A CHILD MINJI KANG 19 KAU ADA ASNIZAR ASMUNI

IMAGE: NAJIHATUL AULAA JALIDAR

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3 BE FEARLESS MEERA SUPRAMANIAM 4 WE ARE ALL GENDER FLUID, ARE WE NOT? JAZELIA JASMENE 8 AMBIVALENT MALAY-MUSLIM WOMEN ALICIA IZHARUDDIN

20 LOVEABLE SYAFIQA IZZATI 22 YEAR OF TRANSFORMATION GENE TAN 28 PERTEMUAN SHEMSI ELSANI 33 THE ENCOUNTER JAZELIA JASMENE 34 SEVEN ON SEVEN FREAKQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

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IMAGE: TUAN HUNG NGUYEN / PIXABAY

IMAGE: SAMUEL RAMKALAWAN / FLICKR

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50 POTPOURRI OF PERSPECTIVES ZUE 54 SABOTAGE LYDIA KOH 56 THE CURIOUS CASE OF ROBERT DOWNEY JR JOYCE NG

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40 CENTERING THE FRINGE FIKRI JERMADI 43 DEAR PINK MANIK REGE 45 THE GENDER QUESTION COLLAGE 49 MOTHER IN THE HOOD AISYAH EZRAL

POETRY MEERA SUPRAMANIAM

Be fearless my child, In your questions, In your answers.

Be Fearless

TEXT: MEERA SUPRAMANIAM IMAGE: SAMUEL RAMKALAWAN / FLICKR

Be fearless my baby, With your voice, Do not let it be stamped out, Do not let anyone shut you up.

Be fearless my little one, With your choices, With your actions.

Know that no matter what, You are valued, You are loved.

Know that when I can’t be there, The one gift that I hope you will always hold, Is the love I’ve ever given, All the love, so you will feel safe, Safe to be fearless.

Fearless to be yourself.

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FEATURE JAZELIA JASMENE

We Are All Gender Fluid, Are We Not? Jazelia Jasmene takes the pulse of an ever-changing topic of discussion IMAGE: STEF / FLICKR

On June 12th 2016, a gunman entered a gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida, and killed 49 people and wounded 53 others by gunfire. In addition to being the deadliest incident of violence against LGBT people in the United States, it was also America’s deadliest mass shooting by a single shooter.

Much of the ensuing melee in the media centred on his religious and political beliefs. Less attention, however, was paid to the story of the gender narrative at play here. Films, television, radio, and basically any other media for that matter, accommodate a collection of narratives that were invented to instill binary ideas into the minds of general public.

Now, we do not realise this (at least, not initially) because we have been spoon fed these ideas, even in the earliest memories we can possibly recall. Another common variable amongst typical Disney cartoon films we watched as children (or adults: we never truly grow up, do we?) is the indefinite mission to find the perfect ‘other’.

This is where hetero-normative roles come into play. Princesses, Princes, pissed-off Mother-In-Laws and Stepmothers (seriously, though) all set this concept of ‘love’ that evolves around the law that you will end up with the opposite sex. However, in this day and age, people are starting to develop awareness about how they identify themselves in terms of gender.

Lauren Booker from CNN wrote an article to explain the concept of gender fluidity, as well as gender identity in general. A section I found in that article, which I also found to be very interesting, was when her 4 | CQ MAGAZINE | #7

interviewee mentioned that the recent emergence of Ruby Rose in Orange Is The New Black made it easier for people who similarly identify themselves as gender fluid to step out of the shadows and proclaim themselves to the public. An individual is gender fluid when they do not identify themselves exclusively as a woman or a man and when their gender changes in different situations.

Gender fluidity, a gender expression, is completely separate from sexual orientation (see Figure 1). This basically means that you can be a woman who can identify herself as masculine, at any point or time in her life, but still be attracted to a man. Ruby Rose herself produced and starred in a short film that basically enshrines gender fluidity called Break Free.

The short film portrays her as a feminine figure – with long blonde hair and wearing a dress – and how she gradually changes her appearance (i.e cutting off her hair, washing off the foundation that conceals the tattoos on her arms) into a completely androgynous figure (i.e short hair sleeked back, her chest wrapped flat, and putting on a shirt that does not create an emphasis on womanly shapes).

Associate Professor of Gender Studies Dr. Sharon Bong from Monash University Malaysia explained that gender fluidity is, in part, distinguishable by dressing and mannerism. As Jordon Bosse and Lisa Chiodo explained in their article ‘It’s Complicated: Gender and Sexual Orientation Identity in LGBTQ Youth’, gender is a combination of identity and expression. Dr. Bong also mentioned that the ‘Q’ in LGBTQA (a continuously

A person who is gender fluid does not restrict himself or herself to a particular gender

The media accommodated a collection of narratives invented to instill binary ideas

expanding acronym) may not only stand for ‘queer’ but also ‘questioning’, which indefinitely relates to the issue of gender fluidity. Considering water as the perfect analogy to depict a more general definition of gender fluidity, Dr. Bong explains that a person who is gender fluid does not restrict himself or herself to a particular gender; instead, they are comfortable amongst the many different expressions of gender.

During this short consultation she so kindly managed to squeeze into her busy

schedule, I also sought her opinion about the local setting and how it would accommodate people who claim to be gender fluid. Generally, Malaysia stands against LGBTQA awareness and rights, hence maintaining the marginal status of this community.

In Saskia Wieringa’s journal article, Marriage Equality in Indonesia? Unruly Bodies, Subversive Partners and Legal Implications, it was discussed that implications of religion exist especially within the Southeast Asian context. In Indonesia, a country that embodies a demographic landscape almost identical to the Malaysian situation, human rights discourse often contradicts the religious discourse of authorities in these two countries. Indonesia’s Muslim militia (such as FPI [Muslim Defender’s Front]) had at the time declared that they decide what was acceptable and not acceptable when it came to rights revolving around issues as such. Not unlike the Selangor Islamic Religious department (JAIS) in Malaysia, they base their decisions to the words of the Qu’ran and the hadith. However, it is safe to say that the religious authority in Malaysia biases their practice only unto Malays, as the entire Malay population is assumed as Muslims – a ‘labeling concept’ used in Malaysian identity cards.

On another note, Wieringa also mentioned that gender pluralism was embraced, back

in the day. Indonesia had a more diversed gender system consisting of five genders, namely male, female, calabai (assigned male at birth but takes on the role of a heterosexual female), calalai (assigned female at birth but takes on the role of a heterosexual male) and bissu (intersex).

Bissus, in particular, often took on important roles in ceremonies such as marriage and childbirth, although they sometimes do so in a trance.

A person should not feel the need to define themselves by the concepts of one specific gender, but rather, comfortably move throughout the spectrum in accordance to their preferences at the time. As we approach the dawn of an era with transcending borders, the subject of gender fluidity circulates and may eventually bend the laws of colonial ideas of gender binary. The spread of awareness regarding LGBTQA rights continues to spread across the globe, with Finland being the next country to legalise same-sex marriage in 2017.

For as long as society tries to understand the different expressions of gender and sexuality, we reduce the probabilities of brutalities being inflicted onto this community, like the June 12th hate crime that happened in an Orlando gay nightclub deemed as the deadliest mass shooting in terms of violence against LGBT people in US history.

IMAGE: COLORADO MANREACH

IMAGE: EVE RINALDI / WIKIPEDIA

FEATURE JAZELIA JASMENE

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FEATURE ALICIA IZHARUDDIN

Ambivalent Malay-Muslim Women First published on The G-Blog, Alicia Izharuddin discovers why many Muslim women are uncovering their hair.

IMAGE: ALEXAS_FOTOS / PIXABAY

I have always been interested in how the social influences the individual. My research project on the hijab helps me understand the relationship between society and the self. Of course, articles about Muslim women’s choice to wear the hijab have been written and dissected ad nauseam – and here I am writing about it again – so, what makes this piece different from the many others? Perhaps by proposing that both wearing the hijab and the rejection of the hijab cannot be reduced to choice.

In fact, I am forgoing the notion of ‘choice’ by illuminating the narrowing dimensions of Malay-Muslim women’s lives under the aggressive processes of Islamisation and how such limitations inform their decisions to wear or reject the hijab. These narrowing dimensions are experienced in the moral micro-management of Malay-Muslim women’s social landscape. My research assistant Zena and myself have been very privileged to listen and record the oral histories of women who have an ambivalent relationship with the hijab and capture elements of their social landscape.

In this piece, I am also forgoing life narratives of women who see in the hijab the final conclusion to their spiritual journey. These are women who make a conscious decision to wear the hijab for religious reasons (it is wajib in Islam) and gendered, cultural reasons (I am a better woman, morally, for wearing the hijab).

Their narratives are often aligned (though not necessarily consonant) with the hegemonic discourse on Islam in Malaysia and have become the personification of Islamisation in Malaysia. This is not to say that women who wear the hijab are making 8 | CQ MAGAZINE | #7

choices against their interests; rather, choices are not made in a social vacuum.

Islamisation in Malaysia is an insidious state project that has become increasingly intolerant, divisive, destructive and deadly in recent times. Although it has an impact on all Malaysians, both Muslims and nonMuslims alike, it has a unique effect on the lives of Muslim women. In feminist scholarship, repressive state regimes and social norms do not always operate in totally oppressive ways, as women, via the limits of their agency, will always find ways to negotiate and bargain their way to survive, to find fulfillment and succeed.

This goes both ways for women who wear and do not wear the hijab.

In my research project, I am less interested in the notion of ‘choice’ than the effect of Islamisation on the micro-politics of their lives as daughters, wives, friends, and workers. I wanted to trace the ‘root’ of their ambivalence towards the hijab – in other words, the worldview of women who are living against the current of Islamisation. In this present climate of growing of intolerance, Muslim women who hold strong views against wearing the hijab can be morally upbraided and suffer abuse. I wanted to find out where their personal and spiritual conviction came from. Was there something in their childhood, education, work, marriage (and dissolution thereof), career and personal philosophy that sowed the seeds of their moral conviction?

In my sociological study, I don’t regard ‘religion’ as separate from culture, society, history, and the personal. Nor do I regard religion a ‘private’ matter. Religion is often practiced differently from the dogmatic

FEATURE ALICIA IZHARUDDIN

exhortations of religious authorities in Malaysia. With numerous instances of failure within religious institutions (in YaPEIM, Tabung Haji, JAKIM, JAIS) and the discombobulating catastrophes unfolding transnationally (such as the rise of Daesh), it comes as little surprise that Muslim women are questioning authoritative diktats on correct Islamic behaviour. Some experience a crisis of faith that may or may not heal with a return to the faith. Others re-negotiate their understanding of Islam based on a bricolage of references found in books, the Internet, and fellow like-minded people.

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When I wrote the article about the social pressures imposed on Muslim women in Malaysia to wear the tudung in the Malay Mail Online last October, I did not expect that many women would contact me to tell me about their lives sans tudung. The women I spoke to attribute their rejection of the hijab to a loss of faith, marital breakdown, and rejection of social expectations and parental pressure, among other things. Aina*, a 21-year-old student who has taken off the hijab, told me her dislike of the restrictions that come with covering one’s hair:

IMAGE: ALEXAS_FOTOS /

“I never liked wearing the hijab. It felt like I was bound to a set of rules and practice. It felt like I had to act in certain ways – like I couldn’t shake hands or give/receive hugs from anyone.”

These may be ‘negative’ feelings attached to the hijab, but there are positive stories, too.

The women who reject the hijab develop their own ethical framework of spirituality, happiness and fortitude. I interviewed Zanariah*, 41, who is a full-time mother of two sons. She spoke in detail about the

PIXABAY

FEATURE ALICIA IZHARUDDIN

Islamisation in Malaysia is an insidious state project that has become increasingly intolerant, divisive, and destructive

(The hijab) can also be very uncomfortable in humid weather, leaving me questioning its practicality. I felt trapped and wasn’t happy.

But hijab had given me an excuse to think less about hair care. During that period of time, I didn’t bother about maintaining healthy scalp and hair. At the same time, I experienced massive hair loss due to hormonal therapy and covering my scalp only worsened the condition. So, the hijab slowly became my only reason to hide the ugly truth about my hair.

I went through a breakdown when the family lost a lot money and material in business. Being more religious was my way of coping with difficult situations. I went through a spiritual journey; I attended religious classes and read many religious books, including ones regarding the history of religions, to learn more about Islam – and that lead me to study the Quran in the language that I can understand. Studying the Quran gradually shifted my view towards Islam significantly to a wider context, breaking away from the shackles of society. Islam is far more than the wearing of the hijab. Slowly, I saw the hijab as a cultural practice, and one of many tools use by men to oppress women.

The curtain fell and I felt liberated; I found the courage to make the conscious decision to remove my hijab in 2014. It is true freedom because my life is not based on fear anymore, but love and kindness, instead. I feel closer to Allah, the Creator. I started taking care of my hair again. The judgmental behaviour I had when I was in a hijab faded away. I’ve become more open, especially towards other races and religions. I feel at ease to mingle across religions without the hijab. I’ve found a new confidence to speak out and feel happier.”

emotional transformation that coincided with taking off the hijab (edited for grammatical clarity): “At first, I felt great wearing it but eventually didn’t like it because I felt like I was losing myself, not being true to myself and constantly needed to behave in certain ways expected by others. With the hijab on, I felt limited in many ways, at a personal level as well as a professional one. But I couldn’t find a reason to remove it because I was taught that the hijab is a religious obligation – and for fear of Allah’s wrath.

dominated by men and men alone.

There is much to be gleaned from the oral histories of this ‘endangered’ group of women. Islamisation causes hurt outside the realm of one’s religious identity. It seeps into other aspects of a woman’s life. I have made it a point to make this study longitudinal to assess the intensification of intolerance, division and sexism on the women’s steadfast decision to not wear the hijab over a long period of time.

The lessons to be learned (and we’re still learning!) from all this is that ‘choice’ often appears to be a hollow and superficial word against the complexity of women’s lives.

Islamisation continues to make many of the women we interviewed unhappy, but they are finding many solutions to establish stability and attain fulfillment, both small and significant.

First published on The G-Blog (thegblog.org), an online platform for constructive discourse on all things gender in Malaysia. Names are provided by respondents with their express and informed consent.

Alicia Izharuddin is an academic at a public university in Kuala Lumpur, where she teaches Gender Studies. Her book, Gender and Islam in Indonesian Cinema, is published by Palgrave Macmillan.

These women are sampled from a broad age group, from 17 to 55. While their backgrounds, life histories and historical events shape them in unique ways, their views about the hijab begin to sound resoundingly similar. They speak about their struggle, anxiety, and eventual (if momentary) resolution in a climate of unremitting pressures.

The narrowing dimensions of women’s lives in Malaysia can be attributed to more than the processes of Islamisation. There is an unwillingness to talk about sexism and misogyny. Issues related to gender and sexuality are relegated to ‘specialised’, ‘trivial’, and ‘taboo’ areas of public concern far behind more urgent matters related to (ungendered) race, ethnicity and religion.

And this is really because the discourse on race, ethnicity and religion in Malaysia is #7 | CQ MAGAZINE | 11

When it comes to music, I have always loved it. I grew up listening to songs by all sorts of artists, ranging from my parents' Simon & Garfunkel and Oasis (courtesy of my brother) to my grandfather's Gesang Martohartono and the Feminin of my cousins. In fact, I became a huge fan of Feminin, and memorised every bit of their lyrics to sing in the shower for hours.

I admired how they broke new ground; Feminin not only rapped in Bahasa Malaysia, but they also flaunted their short hair with such confidence and girl power.

Every time I watched them on Hiburan Minggu Ini and Muzik Muzik, I wanted to sing and perform with that kind of spirit.

And at the beginning of my career, that was what I did for a while.

How I started wearing the tudung (by my own will and not told by anyone else), happened rather naturally. I remember walking out of the house one day and feeling very uncomfortable, like something was missing. I went back inside and looked into the mirror, thinking. I tried putting a shawl around my neck and oddly, I felt better. That was the start of it. Days later I pulled it up and wore it as a selendang.

The rest is history.

I wish I could say I did it for goodness's sake, but that was not exactly how it began. Today, however, I am wearing it to please my All-Loving Creator. It was almost like Allah Ta'ala let me experience the beauty of wearing the tudung and feeling complete, instead of telling me the purpose or the philosophy of it.

Does that make sense?

With it happening so bluntly, I didn’t actually sit down and think how this change would affect my performing career.

That was a little naĂŻve, I suppose, because of course it did. With hindsight, and having learned by experience, I was not at all prepared. The biggest challenge was for

Undercover

Wani Ardy shares the stages of her jour IMAGE: NAJIHATUL AULAA JALIDAR

FEATURE WANI ARDY me to stop swearing! And to not hug my male friends in the scene. This was quite tricky, because I cursed a lot and I was quite a hugger.

chose to sangka baik and took it as doa. I could only pray to be as amazing and successful as she is!

Many years later, some of the others who came to discover me late even labelled me as “another Najwa Latiff”. I don’t particularly mind, because after doing this for over a decade I've figured out that people can (and will) say anything when they’re merely a part of the audience. They only see and hear; they are not listeners.

That's just how far a lot of them go, so I don't blame them.

I would often stop and remind myself, “Whoops! No, girl. That doesn't really sync with how you look.” I realised there are responsibilities that come with this image. I didn’t change completely, for I am still my crazy self. I just remember my limitations.

Like everything else in life, there are certain boundaries.

Funnily enough, I believe I am more expressive now. I used to be very shy and very insecure about my appearance. I spent a lot of time thinking about how to do my hair, or wondering whether my skirt is too short.

Having said that, I think in general Malaysian Muslims can be too obsessed about the tudung. People need to stop making a big deal out of it. It's just another piece of clothing, like baju or seluar or kain pelikat. Get over it! What we wear is a simple daily decision, and a personal one at that. Macam makan. As normal adults, do you let other people choose your food for you every single day? “Saya nak makan apa ek?” You don't.

Now… I just let it go. Wearing the tudung made me feel freer on stage. I ended up not caring as much about my body language, facial expressions, hand gestures and such. My focus narrowed further on telling stories and sharing emotions. In that regard, I am more naked (than ever) in my writings.

Whatever you makan, you tanggung, and the same goes for the tudung.

The support I received in doing so was overwhelming. My followers were really supportive of my decision; they sent me truckloads of tudungs! They didn't accuse me of wanting to be anyone else, because they know my music. They can differentiate the sounds.

It is always those who don't know you that would say things about you. The audience members who knew me only after I started wearing the tudung thought I was a newcomer who wanted to be the next Yuna. She was the only hijab-clad singersongwriters in the music independent scene at that time and she really stoods out, so it was understandable for me to be compared to her. It was flattering at first, but after a while it became a little annoying and got me wondering, “Is there a template? Guitar + tudung = Yuna?” I

Uncovered rney in covering up

I remember walking out of the house and feeling very uncomfortable, like something was missing

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IMAGE: NAJIHATUL AULAA JALIDAR

Whatever you makan, you tanggung, and the same goes for the tudung

FEATURE MINJI KANG

When I Was A Child Korean-American filmmaker Minji Kang steps into the past to consider the importance of gender identity in the reel and the real.

IMAGE: MINJI KANG

When I was a child, I was neither a boy nor a girl. Being born into a family of strict traditions and customs, such as championing the ability to produce a male heir, I was a disappointment. My parents were just college students when they conceived my sister. I remember it distinctively, growing up as a second daughter, especially because the first six years of my life was not smooth sailing.

me feel hopeless.

My extended paternal family believed in a ‘prophecy’ that if they brought the second (female) child up as a tomboy, it would somehow prompt the birth of a third child – a boy – into the family. So there I was, my hair was short and I dressed like a boy. My mother found it difficult to process the situation, but I imagine living under my father’s rules did not leave her much of a choice.

Following that incident, I continued to live up to being the son my family had wished for. I took up taekwondo – my father liked martial arts – which taught me the importance of discipline. I also enjoyed showing my father the skills I learnt, hoping that my wish to show them that they did not need a son after all would somehow come true.

My family and I moved to Seoul, away from the hustle and bustle of my relatives, where my father furthered his studies. There, they conceived a baby, a son, but he died soon after. I did not even get to meet him. My family took it hard, especially my mother. I was about six years old when this happened.

Customarily, women were encouraged to engage in artistic studies whilst men were encouraged to work tough jobs and stay out of the kitchen, a portion of the house that women operate. Unlike my father’s sisters, my mother did not play any instruments, even though she was very fond of music. I was introduced to music and visual arts long before I learnt any languages, all while I was gradually being structured as (appearance-wise) a boy.

Reminiscing my experience of studying arts, the expectations entrusted on me was horrible and asphyxiating – even if it did hone my discipline and focus.

I began to look a lot more like my Irish twin sister. Even when my character was boyish, we dressed like little dolls: long hair and dresses. And soon enough, when I was eight years old, my parents conceived a beautiful baby boy. I was no longer the youngest child. Not long after that, yet another boy was born into the family.

Things changed drastically from that point on, and I always wonder about what my life would have been like if I never had younger brothers. Perhaps being a filmmaker would have been completely out of the question, as I would have been pushed to go into finance or business. I would not have liked that life. I would have resisted.

I have been carrying the burden of that guilt that I was born a girl, since my earliest memories. Family members used to tell me that (in a parallel universe) I would have made a perfect son, and that always made

I quickly learned two things: to always be myself and to always cherish what I love, that nobody can take away my aspirations and dreams. I was a curious child, who was eager to play music, draw and paint;

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eager to learn about fairytales and about the world. Only recently, I realised that I spent most of my time alone at work. That was how I preferred it as I was growing up, just as how I was encouraged ever since I was old enough to do things by myself.

Whenever I was in my own world filled with art, music and stories, I felt a sense of comfort. In fact, the older I became, the more I wished to be alone, thriving on solitude and the sense of peace that came with it. My films are probably the byproduct of my time spent in long silent hours.

A few years ago, in the midst of completing a screenplay, I asked my mother a question, “Who do you want to be if you get to live another life?” At this point of time, the bond between my mother and I had withered due to my isolation, and I wanted to get to know her again, if not more. To my surprise, her unexpected response was an unforgettable one that darted my heart – she said, she would have wanted to be born a man. I had expected her to say that she would have wanted to be a pianist, a journalist, or a doctor, maybe, but never a man.

Although I abhorred her response in the beginning, I began to try to understand her, if I did not already. She had spent most of her life married to my father's family and raising children at home; her husband lectured at universities and travelled, while she witnessed the opportunities and support given to her daughters - an art teacher and a filmmaker – and the freedom given to them. This was all made possible only because she had sons. At the age of thirty-two, and understanding all this, as well as witnessing her life as a homemaker, I was not drawn to becoming like her, in

Could we ever break away from this invisible oppression and traditional ideologies of stereotypes?

FEATURE MINJI KANG

IMAGE: MINJI KANG

Family members used to tell me that I would have made a perfect son

that sense, if not in less of a hurry to have my own family. I choose to follow my passion in cinematic art. And I find myself to be evidently happier.

What are the cultural structures deeply rooted within the society, even in a modern day and age? Could we ever break away from this invisible oppression and traditional ideologies of stereotypes? What happened to the existence of free spirit and liberation? These are some of the questions I ask, and I wish I could break away from this oppression, these social structures. I find myself imprinting these 18 | CQ MAGAZINE | #7

same questions in my films. I am still on a quest to look for the answer to this, and perhaps, through my work, I will eventually express the answer to this puzzle because I believe there is an answer.

I do not wish to be a man. I am happy to be a woman and a filmmaker. I believe I can widen people’s narrow views and beliefs on gender relations, that I can influence the social values in society, today, through my eyes. I am tired of seeing stereotypical representations of gender in films. These conventional ideas bore me.

I want to create ground-breaking content in films for the generations to come – content that is eye-opening, thought provoking, and engages the mind – with the hope to make a difference. Cinematic art is a powerful medium that the author can use to share a belief or a vision, and I hope to help people understand gender relations by conveying these issues on screen.

Minji’s latest film, The Loyalist, can be seen on Viddsee. Find out more about her films at minjikang.com.

POETRY ASNIZAR ASMUNI

Kau Ada TEXT: ASNIZAR ASMUNI IMAGE: CRISTIAN NEWMAN / UNSPLASH

Pernah kau tanya pada si buta apa indah tujuh warna dilangit senja Pernah kau tanya pada sang pekak apa merdu dendang balada warga berkepak Pernah kau tanya pada yang bisu apa ria menyanyi berbait lagu Pernah kau tanya yang kurang anggota apa seronok bersambut telapak sepatu sarungnya selesa Tengok kau Mata, telinga, mulut, tangan, kaki Semua kau ada.

Bernas,sempurna lagi molek fungsinya Oh sayang Pandang… pandang mereka sayang Mereka…

Kau bayangkan mereka…

#7 | CQ MAGAZINE | 19

POETRY SYAFIQA IZZATI

What is gone, gone.

You are like verses in my life chapter.

I may see you again in the future.

I still remember the words in your verses before.

Yet I don’t know whether that verses of yours have been fully vanished by time.

Sometimes, I am dwelling on missing you.

Even though I should not.

Sometimes, I need to bear my wrath for you, because you’ve set my blatant soul on fire.

You are no longer my present nor future.

You are my past.

I cannot hate you, because you do more good than harm in my life.

You once made me feel so blessed.

How can I hate you? With all the random kindness you have done to me?

It is sad that, in reality, you walk into my life, creating memories and now we are total strangers.

I am, you.

You are, me.

I have never regretted the ending of our story. It just, happens. And it happened. I just regret that I now know I have lost a precious person in my life.

If, if I could turn back the time... our story may be different.

If, if I could choose to not fall for you at first... our path may never be collided.

If, only if. God draws best.

And for me, living well is my vendetta.

You’ve created me back then.

You’ve created who I am now.

Thanks to you, I have become stronger than ever, and I know I will always be, for years to come.

May God bless you, with rains of hope and joy.

May God cherish you, for you, prior to be kind and loveable.

Loveable TEXT: SYAFIQA IZZATI IMAGE: BURAK KOSTAK / PEXELS

#7 | CQ MAGAZINE | 21

It hit me that I didn’t like HeMan, like I had feelings for him; rather, I wanted to be him

INNER VIEW GENE TAN

Year of Transformation In an episode of Up Close and Personal, CQ Magazine’s Fikri Jermadi sits down with Gene Tan, a transgender lawyer, to talk about his time of transition IMAGE: SLYGLAMSTER / FLICKR

Hi Gene. Thanks for taking the time to speak to us. As we have this conversation, 2016, a year derided by many, is over. What’s your take on that?

I call my 2016 as a year of transformation and a year – actually, for me personally also – a magical year, because I think one thing that was really beautiful about it is the way I came together, and also came out as my own person, my true self.

Can you elaborate a bit more on this?

Sure. One thing is identifying myself back as a lawyer. Reaffirming my motivations for pursuing a career in law and my own business in legal practice was a challenging one, but I think the idea was that the journey of questioning myself all over again was to really understand how deep my conviction was in my chosen profession.

And then there was that change and transformation with regards to my relationships with people. I realised that some people came and went, but I also realised that relationships are best handled with perspectives – with the awareness and consciousness of being in your perspective, and being aware of your perspectives.

People have different reactions to different things, and if you are unable to handle differences which comes from a person, that can cause a lot of interesting strings of events in your life, which can affect you indirectly and directly at any point in that time.

What did you learn from all this?

I learnt how to be aware of my reactions and my relationships with people. Then of

course, in one half of my life, is my awareness of my faith – my personal faith – in men and in God, because even if we call it any name and give it any symbol, ultimately we all are of the same thing – we’re all of flesh and bone. And all of our spirit, all of our love, and all of our emotion… we’re all really one, it makes no difference. And because of that, I was able to come together to accept all the energy in me and, to be frank with you, come out as a transgender man.

What does that mean for you?

I don’t know if you guys understand what transgender is. Very loosely, very casually...

I don’t want to go too deep about terminologies, but transgender is where you affirm an identity which belongs to a different gender than the one you were assigned to or born with. Basically, if your IC or passport says you’re a female, a transgender would normally... if that transgender is like me, I was assigned to a female official identification, being a transgender male would mean that I affirm myself into male identification rather than as female.

So what was it that happened in 2016 that brought this out?

Last year, one of the most beautiful and transformative thing is how I actually became the first approved transgender lawyer in Malaysia. It’s never been done before. I’m humbled to thank the Malaysian Bar council and authorities that allow me to privately yet publicly practise as a male lawyer for nearly nine months to the date of this interview, and in peace. I think that’s the most important thing, because my clients do not deserve anything less than the best of my service, and I feel that that

was a very beautiful transformation in the consciousness of our people in Malaysia – that sometimes not all drama gets through to everyone, do you know what I mean?

Sorry, ‘not all drama’?

‘Not all drama’. I call it drama because drama, for me, is something that divides people, disunites people. It’s a notion statement, being allegation, fact-telling… basically a position that one takes and one forces, one promotes, one advances which disunites people, which causes tension within people, which causes people to see differences in others without embracing them for what they are.

Certainly, I guess in that sense, we could do with a bit less drama in our lives.

Nevertheless, you did actually mention earlier that you are now officially identified as a transgendered lawyer.

Yeah, a male lawyer.

I understand this to be something of a process. Is the process complete or are there still final steps that you need to take in order for this to truly be confirmed, in a way?

Well, there are two things here that I need to explain to help you complete the picture.

I’m a transgendered male lawyer, and that’s just in my work. When you talk about the process, you’re talking about my personal life, my personal and national registration – basically the identity that is linked with my nationality and my national identity. So, those are two different things, because I was recognised by two different authorities Which one would have greater significance here? #7 | CQ MAGAZINE | 23

INNER VIEW GENE TAN Of course, the national regulator is obviously the federal one but, you know my profession has always been seen to be objective, and as a beacon of fairness, truth, justice, and non-biasness, in partiality. So, for that process, it is independent of my work status because that process is one where I have to go through the national registration department. And with that, I would need to get my identification papers changed to the gender that I see as correct in my rightthinking mind. So, that takes a process.

What’s the other thing you wish to explain?

I think the private sphere in my personal identification is not related to my work or to the national registration part. It’s when I go home, it’s when I’m with you, when I’m with my students, when I’m with my colleagues – the physical, emotional, mental changes, or let’s just make it more simple: the physical changes. So that’s the third layer, because you have one layer which is the federal identification card, which you don’t often use; you just use it as and when required. Then there’s the work level, where you have to use it when you go to the office, or when you’re in the line of duty, when you’re serving your clients and when you’re doing your work; and then there’s another level where it’s deeper, because that’s the level where you take it home – where you take it to your family, you take it to your friends, you take it to people who watched you grow up.

That’s the personal level or my private sphere of my personal identification, because I’m just using it in my personal experience. That part is a vile process because that part is where I’m on a journey and I’ve only understood that I was transgender about less than four years ago.

But I understood that because it came with an acceptance. Before that acceptance came, I actually always knew, since I was as early as five years old.

Five years old?

Yeah. Even when I knew you, Fik. To my mind, I did not know that term could apply to me. I was not enlightened with that knowledge. I was not enlightened with enough information that connected that identification, that experience with me.

When you said that you probably could identify your fifth year of existence as being the point where you start to think about these things, you mean that that’s through the concepts you are aware of?

Or is it something you aware that is a part of you, so to speak, that you are indeed somewhat different?

Yeah, well, at five years old, there was no thinking, to be fair. It was just little

moments of awareness, like, “Hey! I’m watching a He-Man cartoon and a superhero cartoon,” but I don’t see myself, you know, like how boys want to be the superheroes or boys don’t want to be female superheroes. I’m just saying maleidentified boys, ‘boys would say they’re boys’, ‘men would say they’re men’ and not ‘men would say they’re women’.

You know, what’s funny here is I know we are talking about a very complex issue, but sometimes we are talking about simple things. But even in talking about simple things, we need to define that we mean ‘boys who are boys’ and not ‘boys who are– Yeah, we need to be very clear because I’m not here to offend people.

Absolutely. On that note, I have to say that I do believe that the spirit of this conversation is something that should be made clear if it’s not already clear to begin with. Our intention here, certainly from my part, is just to talk about certain things and to have a better understanding, if you will, as to how things operate in this particular sphere. I hope our listeners listening at home, or wherever they may be, will also take this conversation in that spirit. At the same time, the terms are always changing and shifting, and there’s incredible dynamism, even in a country like Malaysia, when it comes to ideas about gender and sexuality. Even if it is not socalled acknowledged on an official level, I feel like it’s fine if we talk about certain things because I do believe that people do understand that this is not an easy thing to talk about and it is something that’s always changing.

Yeah, thank you, Fikri. Thank you for pointing it out there. When I was five years old, I had a memory of where it hit me that I adored this superhero character called HeMan, and it hit me that I didn’t want to be like his superhero cousin, She-Ra.

natural.

How did you learn about this?

I’m born and raised in an Asian family. My family is Christian. So, there’s a lot of conditioning and education; if you’re born a girl or born a female, you do certain things that mirror what females do. With a boy or a man, it’s the same thing. But here I was, after awakenings like that, because there were other incidents where I suddenly start to realise, “Wait a minute – I don’t think what I’m feeling is normal.”

But then, that’s where it starts getting very confusing, scary and, quite frankly, lonely.

Because, when you’re that young, when you start having moments of waking up at a very young age – and knowing from the people who are older than you or supposedly more intelligent than you, who don't share your belief systems, who don’t seem to support your natural inclinations – you feel very alone. Incredibly so, especially if you feel that there will be so many people who will not share the same inclinations as you. I don't mean that I want everybody to be a transgender like me at that time, but I just wanted to know if there were people who understood what I felt.

And it didn’t feel, at that time, that there was. So, that’s just my personal experience.

Oh yeah, that’s right! There was She-Ra. Yes. My sister wanted to be She-Ra. With the winged horse and what not.

I can just about imagine Nicoli as SheRa. And I wanted to be He-Man with the tiger, even though the tiger was a scared little cat.

The tiger’s awesome.

Yeah, but I saw his body, I saw his face, I saw his strength, his muscles, and it hit me – that was the first moment I remembered.

It hit me that I didn’t like him, like I had feelings for him; rather, I wanted to be him.

And for me that was very natural until I learned that it was not supposed to be IMAGE: SARAHMCGOWEN / FLICKR

24 | CQ MAGAZINE | #7

INNER VIEW GENE TAN That must have been very difficult.

That started from very young. And then when I was in my puberty, I learnt that there was such a thing as men liking men and women liking women. So naturally, when I gained that kind of awareness, I thought, “Okay, maybe that’s what it is,” or, “Maybe that’s what I am”. But then again, it wasn’t so simple, because I had become aware of sexuality, or that there was an arena for same sex relationships I thought “Okay, this strangeness of mine must be connected to that”. So, I thought that that was honestly, not trying to offend anyone, but in my fear I thought that this is as bad as it gets. Asian societies do not accept same-sex relationships. In our current world – I’m not going to go back historically – for a number of decades, already, or probably hundreds of years, Asians do not accept same-sex relationships. Lots of religions do not accept same-sex relationships. And I came from a religion that publicly does not condone the act of same-sex love.

So, I’ve got a name to work with which, finally, I can be relieved about, but, at the same time, still struggle with. Because whatever is said and done, it is still not acceptable. So, it took me a really long time to wrap my head around the whole thing, and when I finally got used to the

idea of it, I learnt through my intimate relationships that I’m actually not a woman who likes women – I’m actually a guy who likes women. Because, fact 101, women don’t like to be called men; women like to be called women. Women liked to be called out as women; men like to be called out as men – even in a negative or positive way. A man would find it highly insulting if another person calls him a ‘woman’. That is quite a natural reaction.

At least for people who have been conditioned to think as such.

Yes, exactly. But I found myself being very boosted when another person says, “Hey, you’re really like a guy.” I get myself secretly boosted – confidence-wise – whenever that happened. And after a while, an ex-partner of mine actually told me, “I actually really think you’re a guy. You’re not actually a girl. You’re a guy trapped in a girl’s body.” So, that’s when I had to investigate the dilemma because it did not sound like it was untrue. I had to know for myself whether there was something here because, mind you, I was already at the end of my 20s. I had gone through so much of depression, bulks of depression, destructive patterns of living... I was not able to manage my life in a sustainable manner, in terms of just being comfortable in my own personal life. I could hold jobs,

We forget that our support members may possibly would feel like they were dumped with this issue

but there was always this search for myself, which I could never understand, as well as a need to understand myself. So, when this question or when this affirmation came to me from another person, I had to understand if this was really me. Maybe that will stop all the unhappiness.

I think that was about five to six years ago, and through various support mechanisms, I started piecing myself back together.

Especially in the last year, I started doing a lot of meditation, a lot of work with energy, my own energy. I was pretty shocked to find myself coming together, in such a short time, very well – not just to come out publicly, but to go and get a sanction from a very high authority, an authority that I respect deeply, that I honour deeply.

That would be the Malaysian Bar mentioned earlier.

Yeah.

What about the more personal context?

What kind of reaction have you received from your friends and family members?

Fik, if I told you that it’s much easier to get acceptance when you accept yourself and love yourself, if I told you when we were 18 years old, I swear to you, my 18-year-old self would laugh at me, at my current self.

Why would your 18-year-old self laugh at your current self?

There was so much of self-loath. It did not believe in dreams, it did not believe that it was able to achieve happiness. It was so confused with its own identity.

Were there some things that gets related to things other than your gender and sexuality identity?

So, my gender is part of it, my sexuality is just part of it, my preferences are a part of it. At the end of the day, if you don't really know who you are, it doesn’t matter when it comes with three or four labels. You just don't know who you are. It could be things like “I’m a kind person”, it could be things like “I’m a Muslim”, it could be things like “I’m a person who enjoys having a cup of tea.” You don't know these things about yourself and be at peace with it.

It’s very difficult to resolve things like gender, like identity. For me, gender just happens to be a part of it because I didn't realise that the norm means ‘just being me’. That it was okay to be me, or be anything. I’m just a different colour, and that colour’s OK. So, my issue just happens to be quite centred on my gender.

But really, I wanted to know who I really was. I was also a person who had a lot of conditions about following a certain way of life in terms of choosing the right career, choosing the right job, choosing the right… #7 | CQ MAGAZINE | 25

INNER VIEW GENE TAN I call it the Roman Patriarchy System. After you go to school, you graduate college.

After you graduate college, you get the right job. After you get the right job, you get the right husband or wife to marry. You get the right amount of cars, and the right house in the right area. You hang out with the right friends, have the right kind of salary, and then you grow old.

Having said that, I think that your house right now is kind of in the right area.

Thank you. (laugh)

the way I do, I don’t imagine him to be the kind of person who would’ve taken this all that lightly.

No. It was not easy for each member of my family, trust me. It has taken us more than a decade to wrap their heads, or to wrap their hearts, around my journey, my evolution and my transformation. But there is one thing my parents have taught me, that even my grandparents have taught me, “When you love someone you really do go the distance.” You really break your comfort zone sometimes. My parents, my

deal with, that they were forced into this environment which they never wanted to be in the first place. And, I think, what we sometimes underestimate is the lack of support for people and families of people like us, because sometimes they come from backgrounds where they’re so deeply conditioned to live with a certain expectation, where people like us or like me cannot exist like them.

I was born into an Asian and a Christian family, so there was a lot of conditioning and education

My next question is about your family. I know your family, I would say, a little bit if not well. We’re previously– I think you know them quite well lah. Fikri, for real lah!

But at the same time, I’ve not seen them for such a long time.

Yeah, you’ve become a family man yourself, so… hello! (laugh) All the same, what do they think or feel about this? I mean, knowing your father 26 | CQ MAGAZINE | #7

family, each of them is human.

When you’re also a member of the LGBT community, or of anything that’s just like dealing with a minority issue or… an issue that’s deep to you, I think a lot of us forget that it’s equally deep to our support members, to our background members who possibly would feel like they were dumped with this issue, you know what I mean? They will feel like this issue was not something of their choosing. This issue was something that they have no choice but to

IMAGE: DANIEL GO / FLICKR

You can listen to the rest of our interview with Gene Tan at mixcloud.com/cqmalaysia.

SHORT STORY SHEMSI ELSANI

Pertemuan TEXT: SHEMSI ELSANI IMAGE: ARTCORESTUDIOS / PIXABAY

Ezra bangkit dari tilam empuknya.

Penghawa dingin biliknya terasa begitu sejuk. Suhunya 16 darjah celsius itu seolah menembusi kulit mungilnya.

Dia duduk dibirai katil mewah hotel lima bintang itu. Malas untuk bergerak. Dia duduk begitu beberapa ketika. Berkira-kira.

Butang kawalan jauh ditekan. Serentak itu, langsir hotel mewah itu terbuka. Cahaya matahari yang menembusi dinding kaca biliknya menyilaukan pandangan matanya seketika. Tangannnya dihadang di depan mata.

“Wah, hebatnya,” bisiknya perlahan. Kagum dengan matahari yang amat jarang dapat dilihatnya.

yang tidak berbaju. Dia memandang jauh.

Menara berkembar yang berdiri gah betulbetul di hadapan hotelnya itu menarik perhatiannya, sekaligus mengingatkan dia kini di bumi asing.

Entah apa namanya, dia lupa.

Peluh terus mengalir. Membasahi badan kurusnya. Membasahkan baju compangnya dan seluar sekeratnya.

Dia menggigil kecil. Masih kesejukkan walaupun penghawa dingin telah dimatikan sebentar tadi. Dia memeluk tubuh kecilnya sendiri. Kulit putihnya terasa begitu dingin dibawah telapak tangan halusnya.

Buruh binaan sepertinya tidak mempunyai apa-apa uniform. Tidak punya pakaian yang sempurna untuk dipakai. Itu adalah pakaiannya. Tambahan, dia tidak punyai pakaian yang lain.

Fikirannya melayang. Berfikir-fikir sendiri.

“Hey budak, cepat sikit!”

*****

Dia terkejut. Cepat-cepat dia menyorong kereta sorong yang sarat berisi batu-bata.

Terasa berat sekali. Namun dia tiada pilihan, kerana itulah sepinggan nasinya.

Penuh kepayahan di mendorong kerata itu dicelahan serpihan konkrit dan batu bata yang berserakan di sana-sini. Jauh di atas sana, ada suara-suara mejerit minta dipercepatkan.

Dia berjalan menghampiri dinding kaca biliknya. Sambil berjalan perlahan, dia mencampakkan alat kawalan jauh ke atas katil.

Adam sesekali menyeka peluh didahinya.

Berpanas begitu amat memeritkan. Tetapi dia tidak punya pilihan. Pada umurnya yang sebegitu muda, dia membanting tulang mencari sesuap nasi.

Dia menggeliat malas di tepi dinding kaca gergasi itu. Menayangkan susuk tubuhnya

Siang… itulah hakikat hidupnya. Malamnya pula, tidak seindah juga.

28 | CQ MAGAZINE | #7

Matahari yang kian menegak, mula membakar kulit kusamnya. Kebingitan kota besar itu kadangkala memekakkan telinganya. Menambahkan lagi keperihan.

Dia mendongak. “Tinggi sekali bangunan yang bakal terbina ini,� bisiknya sendiri.

Tidak semena-mena dia tersadung.

Terjelupuk, jatuh tersembam. Dahinya terhantuk konkrit yang berselerakan di situ.

Kepalanya terasa begitu sakit.

Penglihatannya mulai kabur. Badannya longlai tidak bermaya.

Nafasnya laju, jatungnya kencang.

Matahari tetap juga tersenyum; membahang. ***** Kebosanan.

Ezra berjalan sendiri.

Bapanya entah ke mana. Katanya ada mesyuarat. Entah di mana. Dia tidak ambil peduli.

Dia berjalan perlahan. Melihat-lihat kedai yang begitu banyak di pusat beli-belah itu.

Hatinya tawar sekali. Dia dikelilingi oleh ramainya manusia, tetapi dia tetap terasa keseorangan.

Bosan.

Sendiri.

Malas-malas dia menuju ke escelator eskalator untuk ke tingkat bawah. Dia mahu ke taman disebelah luar bangunan. Dia mengambil eskalator sebelah tepi yang menuju ke tingkat lantai bawah.

Dia berdiri. Membiarkan sahaja tangga bergerak itu membawa dirinya ke bawah.

Selalunya dia lebih gemar berjalan, tetapi hari ini entah kenapa dia begitu sebam.

Ada bunyi pelik dari earphonenya. Dia mengeluarkan earpiece dari telinganya, membelek-belek seolah memeriksa.

Setelah berpuas hati, dia memasangkan kembali ke telinganya. Lagu Life Happens berkemundang pada nada yang kuat ditelinganya. Dia menggerak-gerakkan kakinya, perlahan-lahan mengikut rentak

lagu nyanyian Brendan dan Leah itu.

Setibanya di lantai paling bawah, dia terus menuju ke pintu keluar, menghala ke taman.

Udara di luar bangunan itu terasa begitu nyaman, dingin tanpa matahari tetapi cukup terang. Cahaya lampu neon berselerakan di mana-mana. Gabungan pelbagai warna itu memberikan suasana malam yang begitu meriah dan hidup.

Di mendongak ke atas, melihat menara berkembar betul-betul di atasnya. Diterangi cahaya dari lampu, memberikan gambaran seolah-olah dirinya tergantung diawangan. “Hebatnya,� dia berbisik perlahan.

Dia tersenyum lebar. Menampakkan giginya yang putih, tersusun rapi. Lesung pipitnya jelas kelihatan di kedua-dua belah pipinya. Matanya cerlang sekali. Penuh kekaguman.

Tanpa dia sedari, di kalangan manusia yang ramai itu, ada mata yang sedang memerhati geraknya.

#7 | CQ MAGAZINE | 29

SHORT STORY SHEMSI ELSANI Dia berlari-lari anak menuju ke tasik yang terbentang. Hatinya teruja. Kalau diikutkan hatinya, mahu dia menjerit dan melompat.

Sambil terus mendengar lagu Life Happens itu, dia berjalan perlahan menyusur tepi tasik buatan manusia itu. Ditengah-tengah tasik itu ada lampu berwarna-warni menerangi air pancurannya. Baginya suasana itu amat unik.

oleh seseorang dari belakang. Tangannya dipegang secara tiba-tiba. Kejap dan keras. Pergelangan tangan kecilnya terasa begitu sakit. Dia menoleh.

“Lepaskan! Awak tersalah orang.”

“Aa… aa...” Lelaki berkaca mata gelap itu menggeleng.

“Saya tak kenal awak.”

Dia memutuskan untuk duduk di satu sudut. Agak jauh dari orang ramai.

Dilabuhkan pinggulnya di atas bangku ditepi tasik itu. Earphone nya dikeluarkan dari telinganya. Lagu dari Iphone 6s nya dimatikan.

Dia mahu menikmati malam itu.

Seketika kemudian, lagu My Heart Will Go On berkemundang. Serentak itu juga, air pancuran memancut tinggi, rendah mengikut rentak lagu. Begitu juga cahaya warna-warni itu bersilih ganti memberikan warna-warna berlainan pada air pancuran yang mula memancutkan air di sekeliling tasik itu.

“Wow!” Dia menjerit tanpa dapat ditahan, melompat sendiri. Dia ketawa ketakjuban.

“Hebatnya.”

Dan dia terus terpengun bersama malam yang makin larut.

Dalam kelam cahaya neon itu, dia dihampiri 30 | CQ MAGAZINE | #7

Perlahan-lahan dibuka matanya.

Kelopaknya terasa begitu berat sekali.

Suasana begitu samar. Hanya diterangi lampu usang yang hampir luput hayatnya.

Warnanya kuning-kekuningan.

“Hey budak, kalau nak hidup, cepat jalan!”

Lelaki itu berbisik rapat ditelinganya.

Ada benda tajam diajukan ke pinggang kanannya. Kulitnya terasa sakit, mungkin

telah tercucuk sedikit. Mungkin berdarah.

Dia tidak pasti.

Dia mula cemas. Bermacam-macam difikirannya kini. Segala kekaguman sebentar tadi bagai direntap. Hilang serta merta. Kini ketakutan menguasai.

Dia ditolak perlahan dicelah-celah orang yang ramai itu. Tanpa seorang pun menyedari. Tanpa seorang pun peduli.

“Cepat sikit!” Perlahan tetapi amat keras bunyinya.

“Bapa!” Jerit hatinya kuat. *****

“Dah malam.” Bisiknya perlahan.

Di langit, tiada bintang kelihatan.

Dia cuba bangkit dari baringannya.

Badannya terasa amat ngilu. Difikirannya, tulang-temulangnya mungkin patah.

Dengan susah payah dia duduk. Kakinya dilunjurkan lurus. Terasa lenguh dan kebas.

Dia tidak pasti sudah berapa lama dia terbaring di situ.

IMAGE: DEVANATH / PIXABAY

Dia memerhati sekeliling. Dia masih ditempat kerjanya. Dia tidak pasti kenapa dia terbaring, terlelap di situ. Perkara terakhir yang dia ingat, siang tadi dia terjatuh ketika menyorong kereta sorong yang sarat dengan batu-bata. Cuma, dia kini dibawah khemah buruk dipinggir bangunan, bukan ditempat dia terjatuh siang tadi.

“Mungkin mereka mengangkatku ke sini,” fikirnya, monolog sendirian.

Dia cuba menggagahkan diri untuk bangun, tetapi badannya terlalu lemah. Kepalanya berdenyut-denyut. Dia memicit-micit dahinya, cuba untuk mengurangkan ngilu.

Ada luka di dahinya. Darahnya telah lama kering.

SHORT STORY SHEMSI ELSANI

Dia mengesot perlahan, mencari dinding dan bersandar di situ. Terasa sedikit selesa. Dia menggigil, kesejukkan. Ada titisan embun membasahi mukanya yang comot.

Sambil memeluk tubuh, dipejamkan matanya. Perutnya berbunyi kuat, minta di isi. Dia membiarkan sahaja.

“Tolong! Tolong!”

Dia terkejut. Matanya terbuka pantas.

Melilau sekeliling.

Jantungnya laju. Nafasnya turun-naik, serta-merta.

Sunyi sepi kembali. Cuma bunyi kenderaan yang kadang-kadang menyapa.

Matanya ligat mencari sesuatu untuk dijadikan tongkat. Dia terlalu lemah untuk berdiri sendiri, apalagi berjalan.

Seketika itu, hatinya disapa kepiluan.

“Tidak mungkin aku bermimpi” Putusnya sendiri.

Untuk seketika, suasana kembali sunyi.

Dalam samar itu, dia menemui sebatang besi. Perlahan-lahan dia mula berjalan, dibantu besi sedepa itu. Mencari-cari arah punca suara itu.

Dalam kesunyian itu, dia mendengar tangisan. Dekat sekali bunyinya.

Jantungnya kencang, nafasnya kembali turun-naik dengan laju. Matanya meliar.

Berjaga-jaga.

Malam makin larut. Embun mula meremis.

“Mimpikah aku?” Dia tersenyum lemah.

Kembali menutup matanya yang begitu lesu. Dan amat mengantuk.

“Hantu?” Ditepis andaian itu jauh-jauh.

“Mana mungkin hantu di tengah-tengah kota besar ini”, fikirnya.

“Tolong!Tolong!” Sekali lagi dia tersentak.

Kali ini dia berdiri perlahan-lahan dengan bantuan dinding tempat dia bersandar.

Ketika dirinya digadai bapaknya, tiga tahun lalu.

Apa yang menjadi igauan ngerinya, hantu bertopengkan manusia. Saat itu, pengalaman ngeri lalu singgah dibenaknya.

Dia terus bergerak perlahan. Dalam samar malam itu, dia lebih berhati-hati supaya tidak terseradung serpihan-serpihan bahan binaan yang berselerakan.

Tangisan tadi makin jelas. Teresak-esak.

Pada amatnya, ianya suara seorang budak menangis. Kecil dan halus. Benaknya dipenuhi seribu satu andaian.

Dalam esakkan itu, perlahan sekali kedengaran, “tolong, tolong.” Begitu lemah. Tak bermaya. Seperti tubuhnya yang hampir luluh.

Peluh mula merenik di dahinya. Kedinginan malam telah lama hilang. Tangannya kejap menggenggam besi sedepa ditangannya.

Bersedia untuk sebarang kemungkinan.

Digagahkan dirinya untuk terus bergerak.

Menghampiri punca datangnya suara kecil itu. Dia bukanlah hero, dia tidak kuat, tetapi dia masih punya sedikit kudrat.

#7 | CQ MAGAZINE | 3

SHORT STORY SHEMSI ELSANI

Itu adalah senjatanya.

Dia melangkah ke penjuru bangunan itu, mengintai disebaliknya. Dalam samar malam itu, dia menyaksikan segalanya.

Jelas di matanya.

Jantungnya bagai direntap kejam.

Amarahnya tiba-tiba membuak. Tidak lagi dapat dibendung. ***** Darah di mana-mana.

Tangannya menggigil.

Tangannya penuh darah. Merah, dan masih lagi hangat. Mukanya juga. Begitu juga baju lusuhnya dan seluar sekeratnya. Semuanya terpalit kemerahan.

Di malam samar itu. Di bawah cahaya lampu usang kekuningan itu. Dicelah bangunan separa siap itu. Di tengah kota gah itu.

Dia kaku. Tak percaya.

Menggigil. Tidak lagi kerana kesejukan.

Besi sedepa itu dilepaskan dari genggaman berdarahnya. Ada bunyi dentingan bila besi itu jatuh menghempap konkrit yang berselerakan.

Bersama itu air mata mengalir dipipinya, meninggalkan lurah diantara percikan darah yang masih hangat dimukanya.

Jantungnya seolah berhenti berdenyut.

Nafasnya bagai tersangkut di kerongkong.

Peluh yang tadinya merenik kini mula mengalir. Seolah cuba membasuh darah pada badannya. Dan embun malam itu terasa begitu kotor sekali.

Untuk seketika, segalanya seolah-olah berhenti.

Sunyi.

Sepi.

Membisu.

Pegun.

“Tolong…” Suara itu amat lemah.

Kembali, dia tersentak. Dia menarik 32 | CQ MAGAZINE | #7

nafasnya dalam-dalam. Seolah-olah melepaskan beban yang amat berat. Di hadapannya terbaring dua jasad.

Seorang lelaki sial.

Darah merah masih mengalir laju dari rekahan di tengkorak kepalanya. Kaku tertiarap. Seluar jeansnya separuh terlondeh ke paras paha. Mendedahkan pinggulnya yang bogel.

Satu tubuh kecil tertiarap di antara serpihan bahan binaan. Lemah dan tidak bermaya. Pakaiannya koyak rabak.

Berselerakan di sisinya. Cahaya lampu usang yang kekuningan, terpantul dari kulitnya yang putih. Ada percikan darah pada tubuhnya yang dibogelkan.

Dia menghampir. Perlahan-lahan merendahkan badannya. Melutut disisi jasad kecil itu. Tangannya masih menggeletar. Kepala budak itu dipangku.

Diterlentangkan tubuhnya yang kecil.

Dingin sekali. Pakaiannya yang tinggal diambil buat menutup auratnya.

Darah pada wajah budak itu di sapu dengan jarinya. Bersama itu, air matanya mengalir.

Hatinya sebam. Matanya lebam, ada darah dipinggir bibirnya. Rambutnya, tidak terurus, ada darah terpercik pada rambut perangnya. Matanya sekejap tertutup, sekejap terbuka. Lemah tidak bermaya.

Ada pergerakan kecil pada jari halusnya.

Hela nafasnya amat perlahan. Bibirnya bergerak-gerak, tetapi tiada suara yang keluar.

“Maafkan aku.” Dipeluk budak itu erat ke dadanya.

Dan malam itu, menara berkembar tetap juga gah berdiri, menjadi saksi yang setia.

IMAGE: SKITTERPHOTO.COM / PEXELS

Tangisan makin jelas dan kuat. Sampai di penjuru bangunan itu, dia berhenti seketika. Menarik nafasnya sedalam mungkin. Mengumpulkan segala kudrat dan keberanian yang berbaki.

Genggamannya pada besi sedepa itu dieratkan sekejap mungkin.

SHORT STORY JAZELIA JASMENE I opened the doors. It was cold. My breath created a fog of mist every time I exhaled.

In front of me, was a fountain. The lights branched in the pond, making it glow in the deep cold night. Nothing else seemed to be surrounding it, so I walked. Taking slow steps. I tried drifting into another direction but my body was fixed onto walking to that fountain. My pace was so slow I could hear my heart pounding at a cool rate. Steady.

As I came closer to the fountain, the statue that rested in its center, which was an angel-winged child almost bare naked seated on a cluster of clouds, bearing a bow and an arrow in its arms pointed east, turned his head to me. Looking down on me.

I stared at him and felt my heart rate accelerate. He retrieved his bow onto a strap that lay across his body like a harness and the bow placed on the cloud. I stopped just in front of the fountain, now.

He flapped his wings and lowered himself right before me, still looking into my eyes with his of stone. He reached out his hand and rested it on the side of my face. His hands were cold. He was not real. Then suddenly, a tear ran down his cheek and a frown fell upon his cold face.

12 | CQ MAGAZINE | #5

He said, “I’m sorry”.

The Encounter TEXT: JAZELIA JASMENE IMAGE: MDARIFLIMAT / PIXABAY

#7 | CQ MAGAZINE | 33

FEATURE SEVEN ON SEVEN

Seven on Seven Inspired by Freakonomics Radio, we sat down with seven personalities and asked seven Freakquently Asked Questions.

IMAGE: TUAN HUNG NGUYEN / PIXABAY

INDRANI KOPAL, FILMMAKER What’s the wisest investment you’ve made thus far in your life? I quit working, became single and packed my 33 yearsold life in a suitcase to go to New York in 2012 - all to unlearn everything l knew and to relearn, love and live. It was the best life 'investment' ever.

What’s the best advice you’ve received from someone? I was a little girl when my grandmother nailed down this advice into my heart - she said, "people could take everything away from you: your name, fame, money, house, car, friends, and family, but not your education."

If there is one book you’d implore others to read, which book would it be and why? It would be Jamaica Kincaid's Annie John. Kincaid's book reminded me to another book that had a similar effect on me, which is Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe. These book were written by authors who are not from any culture or places that I am familiar with, but yet, there were so many similarities. Who would have thought that I could relate and absolutely see myself in Antigua or Nigeria? Who would have thought I would experience the same postcolonial effect, or the dark sentiments with those folks from the Caribbean or Africa? Annie John transported me to my childhood and reminded me of things that I have long forgotten to value, the little things that makes life richer and colourful. It’s a coming-of-age book that everyone must get hold of, for sure.

What talent you always wish you had more of? I wish I had the talent to pick up foreign languages quickly and fluently.

34 | CQ MAGAZINE | #7

It's starting to seem more like a superpower now that I need to master.

What do you most often lie about? That I eat "anything and everything". A big white lie, and a grave mistake, always. I am an extremely picky eater who has a fear of trying new and unfamiliar foods. Sigh... I know.

What is the one item you should probably throw out but never will? My primary school report cards - god knows why I'm still keeping them, unbelievable!

If you could have any superpower, what would it be, and why? The power to look at someone and being able to pick up their native tongue. Imagine that. I could tell stories from every nook and corner of the world!

Indrani’s latest film is Teacher, The Tradition Bearer.

WAHYU FIGURA, DIGITAL ENTREPRENEUR What’s the wisest investment you’ve made thus far in your life? I don’t know whether it is actually the wisest investment in my life, but I decided to purchase a high amount of Random Access Memory (RAM) for my laptop. I hate lags. I decided to spend extra on this, and it has paid off for me.

What’s the best advice you’ve received from someone? No pain, no gain. My father says this all the time, and it really sticks with me. It makes me do what I do now, with the startup, because in Indonesia, the conventional way to earn a living is by working in some company. I

work by starting up my own company, and it’s really tough. Sometimes, I don’t have a take-home pay, but I think it is good for the future.

If there is one book you’d recommend, which book would it be and why? I would recommend Zero to One by Peter Thiel. If you ask why, there’s one phrase in that book that really intrigues me: “Competition is for losers.” Basically, he said that if you’re into business, aim for the monopoly.

Try to create a unique product, rather than be a copycat.

What talent do you wish you have had more of? I wish I have more time management skills. Since I’m a deadliner, I’m used to doing things near the deadline, and sometimes it bothers me.

What do you most often lie about?

Related to my previous answers, I would often lie about something like, “I’m already on the way! I’ll be there in five minutes,” when I’m actually just starting to go to the bathroom.

What’s the one item you should probably throw out but never will? It’s not one item, actually, but I think I wouldn’t want to throw away my Doraemon comic book collections. Even though I could read it online, there are so many nostalgic memories from these books, and that’s why I still keep them.

If you could have any superpower, what would it be and why? Having skimmed through similar answers to this on Reddit, there’s one answer that I found to be very good. It is the ability to sleep for one minute and wake up fully reenergised.

I wouldn’t want to throw away my Doraemon comic book collections

FEATURE SEVEN ON SEVEN

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SHERIL BUSTAMAN, FUNGRYTV What’s the wisest investment you’ve made thus far in your life? This is really hard to answer for a person who is rarely wise. Materialistically, it would be my phone. It’s a Sony Xperia, and it is amazing. It’s been with me for three years now. It has survived all three Spartan Races, an obstacles course race with three different levels. It’s also survived a fourhike in Tana Toraja in Indonesia, in the rain.

I cracked the screen once, but I managed to change it three days before the warranty expired, so good on me!

What’s the best advice you’ve received from someone? This is from a really prolific and wise person named Joanna Nithiya, a sage person who sits at home all day and watches TV and stalks celebrities on Facebook. The best advice this person has given me is, “You shouldn’t care about what other people have to say about you, because you should just keep doing you.”

If there is one book you’d recommend, which book would it be and why? Mitch Albom’s Have a Little Faith is a really good book for me, specifically because it talks about the different faiths and religions in a very simplistic manner. Religion is something that’s very deeply rooted within us, especially if you come from a very conventional and God-fearing family. It’s good to fear something, but this book condenses religion down to its basic fundamental, which is faith: if you can put your faith into something you don’t know, then why not put your faith into each other?

What talent do you wish you have more of? One of the reasons I say I’m not a filmmaker is because I’m bad at visualising scenes. I can’t really create a fictional short film because while I can write the script, I can’t envision it. That’s why I wish I have a more visual talent. I wish I can draw, but I can’t draw, and therefore I can’t storyboard, and I can’t make the films I really want to.

What do you most often lie about?

Probably about why I don’t show up for weddings. If I had to be really honest, that’s what I most often lie about, and I would groan because I hate weddings. I think it’s such an unnecessary show, and I don’t like going to them. I have to dress up, and put on makeup, and Malaysia is really 36 | CQ MAGAZINE | #7

hot. Baju kurung can be incredibly uncomfortable.

What’s the one item you should probably throw out but never will? An array of my handbags. I have a cupboard full of them. I really only use two of them, and some I use on occasion. The rest, I’ve never even used them. I wouldn’t throw them out because you never know when you need a particular shade of colour to match something you’re wearing. Especially if you decide to go to a wedding!

If you could have any superpower, what would it be and why? The power of manipulation, because it would make my job easier. If I could write a suggestive email, you immediately agree to anything I want. Give me shooting permissions, give me funding. I would also never get wedding invites ever again!

Watch episodes of Fungrytv at fb.com/fungrytv.

KIMBERLY WAN, NATIONAL ATHLETE AND ENTREPRENEUR What’s the wisest investment you’ve made thus far in your life? That would be taking the time to take care of my mental health, so as to always bring myself back to the right mindset when push comes to shove.

What’s the best advice you’ve received from someone? My mother told me, “Don’t allow your opponents the satisfaction of seeing you frustrated, always keep it together and keep striving.”

If there is one book you’d implore others to read, which book would it be and why? Yes, there is, actually. I’d implore everyone to read The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday and Stephen Hanselman. It teaches you to view life and its challenges through different perspectives, and forces you to review your own character. To me, that’s the best form of education and reflection.

What talent do you always wish you have more of? I wish I have more of the talent to coordinate both my physical and mental selves more effortlessly.

What do you most often lie about?

Sometimes, how I really feel, so as to take the necessary time to understand why I felt that emotion.

What is the one item you should probably throw out but never will? I don’t hold any possession dearly that I could not part with eternally.

If you could have one superpower, what

IMAGE: ARCAION / PIXABAY

Usually, I have a hard time trying to sleep, which leaves me with less energy during the day.

FEATURE SEVEN ON SEVEN would it be, and why? It would be the ability to truly empathise with others by being able to place myself in their shoes in any given situation. I believe this would best help me understand their motivation and reasoning behind their actions and words.

Check out Otomate Me, a cooperative community-based platform for parents, at otomateme.com.

GISELLA LIVIA, SINGER What’s the wisest investment you’ve made thus far in your life? The first investment is my devotion to my Lord. It is really important and crucial in an individual’s life. It helps you to understand what you’re expected to do and how you can live life in a correct and good way. The second is my education, which provides me with lots of special skills and knowledge that would help me later in life, in terms of surviving this competitive world.

What’s the best advice you’ve received from someone? I guess it would be this: “Do the best, and let God do the rest.” It emphasises how we humans have to optimise our talents, skills and knowledge that God has given to us. At the same time, we have to realise that we are mortals. We have limits to things we are capable of doing and controlling, because life is so full of unexpected events. I do my best, and hand it over to my God, who have much better plans than I do.

If there is one book you’d recommend, which book would it be and why? It is The Fault in Our Stars. I love everything about it: the storyline, the characters. I love how John Green, the author, builds up all these tensions. He also creates a lot of red herrings. It kept me interested to finish the book. He provides the readers with lots of plot twists and quotes that, as cliché as it may sound, actually teach me about so many things in life. Life is just the way it is, and there are some things we cannot change.

What talent do you wish you have had more of? I wish I have more advanced talents and skills in using technology. I can use laptops, for instance, but only for basic functions. When it comes to more sophisticated systems and applications, I am not good at them.

What do you most often lie about?

Despite the fact that I have the world Lie in my name, I am not so keen on lies. When you lie, you might be able to fool other people, but you can’t fool yourself. There will always be this psychological war inside of you, because I believe that every human being have a certain part where they will

know what is right and what is wrong. You cannot lie to yourself, so I think it is weird to make things in life that are already complicated even more complicated by lying.

What’s the one item you should probably throw out but never will? When I was little, I was so keen on buying toys and games, and I always play with them. They would accompany me throughout these years. The problem is, now I don’t play with them anymore. However, it feels good for me if I have all these things with me. I feel secure with them. If I throw them out, they’re completely gone and I will never have them again.

If you could have any superpower, what would it be and why? I would like to be able to control time. I want to have this capability of having a time machine in my own mind. I wish I can just freeze the time right now and everyone else would be frozen in time. I could just pause everything and take a brief nap.

Listen to Gisella Livia at soundcloud.com/gisella-livia.

MAHADI J. MURAT, FILMMAKER What’s the wisest investment you’ve made thus far in your life? I think the main investment I’ve focused on is investing in knowledge. I try hard to find knowledge formally or informally. All of my finances, I have exhausted to study again and again; I started from a low level, and the process was not as smooth as I would have liked it to be, but I am now in the world of higher education, even though film remains my main passion.

What’s the best advice you’ve received from someone? I am constantly inspired by the ‘smaller’ people, such as those working on the sidewalk, a penarik beca or a taxi driver. This can be described as a voiceless advice, which I receive every day.

I take it as well as I can, because I believe what I see and hear from them are purer and sincerer than other forms of advice, which can be didactic. “Don’t do this, or you’ll be punished.” This kind of advice does nothing for me.

If there is one book you’d recommend, which book would it be and why? The one book I admire the most is a book entitled Bumi Manusia, written by the Indonesia writer Pramoedya Ananta Toer.

He is a very sharp writer, and his language attracts me, as each sentence has a meaning, not only on the surface but also beneath it. This is important if we connect it to the pattern of cinematic writing, such as screenplays.

#7 | CQ MAGAZINE | 37

FEATURE SEVEN ON SEVEN What talent do you wish you have more of? I wish to be a respected and skilled scholar, one capable of giving birth to grand ideas using grand language. I’ve been trying all this while, but I’ve yet to reach the level I want. Usually, we are somewhat limited by life and age. Those who are more aged face challenges of speech, to pick the right words and sentences. T What do you most often lie about? If I tell a lie, it is most often to my wife! I believe, perhaps, that a lot of men out there know what I am talking about. We lie not to destroy, but to maintain the harmony. I don’t lie about other things, and certainly not things related to professional areas and business, because that is a serious thing.

In a sense, it’s an alternative, not a lie!

What’s the one item you should probably throw out but never will? My old Volvo, which I keep on paying the road tax and such, but I rarely use it! I maintain it and I do turn on the engine once in a while. I still keep it because it doesn’t hurt me. That’s the main thing! The second thing is I no longer have to make payments on this car.

It doesn’t force me to pay money, unless it breaks down! I regard it as symbolic of my trust towards what we have; it may be old, but we appreciate it in whatever time we have left.

If you could have any superpower, what would it be and why? If I have a superpower, I would like to convince everyone to come on down and watch Malay films. It can begin with the film LuQman. It is a small film which brings about bigger questions. This is not often carried through a lot of the bigger films we’ve seen thus far.

Find out more about LuQman at filemluqman.com.

MARYAM LEE, ACTIVIST What’s the wisest investment you’ve made thus far in your life? Financially, the wisest investment thus far in my life is to invest my money into my Amanah Saham Bumiputera (ASB) account on a regular basis. Mentally, however, I invest in making meaningful friends and experiences for myself and others.

What’s the best advice you’ve received from someone? Switch off the social media apps on my devices for one week.

This allowed me space to rethink the way I experience the world around me and focus on building my life offline.

If there is one book you’d implore others to read, which book would it be and why? Most definitely Pedagogy of the Oppressed by Paolo Freire. This book conscientised my political awareness and

paved the way for my understanding of power and its uses for mass control.

What talent you always wish you had more of? I wish I had worked on my talent for singing. I enjoy singing a lot but have never performed in a live band. This is something I look forward to do more of.

What do you most often lie about? My mental and emotional wellbeing. I find myself very depressed when I reply "I'm fine, thank you" for questions on how I've been, because it's not true as I feel quite down most of the time.

What is the one item you should probably throw out but never will? A sling bag that was a gift from a friend 10 years ago which I haven't used in years. I have problems with throwing it out because it was a gift.

If you could have any superpower, what would it be, and why? The power to read people's minds. There is great power in information and the best information is knowing what people think and want.

Projek Dialog is online space for debate and discussion about issues in Malaysia and beyond. Join the conversation at projekdialog.com.

IMAGE: ELI FRANCIS / UNSPLASH

38 | CQ MAGAZINE | #7

FEATURE FIKRI JERMADI

Centering the Fringe Fikri Jermadi discovers a new filmmaker in Yudho Aditya IMAGE: CELEBRITY PICTURES WIKI

I put a fair amount of thought into many of the titles here. Some may well be less suitable than first thought, but it remains true that a good title will always attract attention for the right reasons. I believe much of that same reasoning can be applied to the films of Yudho Aditya.

I came across his films on Vimeo, a potential treasure trove of quality films both short and long. The key word there is ‘potential’, because it can be a rabbit hole difficult to back out from. There are also hits and misses, with many minutes lost to films I thought would be more impactful.

Yudho’s works, however, does not fall under that category. In fact, in prioritising a more liberal sense of sexuality in the portrayal of his characters, it could be argued that his films challenges some of the more accepted norms of his host and home societies.

According to his official biography on IMDB, he was born in Jakarta, Indonesia. A diverse nation in its own right, the overt representation of equally diverse genders and sexuality remains limited, at best.

Much of the country’s best film works tend to reinforce existing gender boundaries, notwithstanding certain outlier films and filmmakers.

Given that context, it is arguable that perhaps Yudho could only have grown as a filmmaker in as open a landscape as his host nation, the United States of America.

At least, that is what I infer, as much of his films were set there. The American tendency to allow for greater acceptance of even greater varieties should not be ignored. He also appears to be studying 40 | CQ MAGAZINE | #7

films and filmmaking, which helps to explain his understanding of film language.

My favourite of the lot (and there is a lot!) is probably Inbetween Nights. Focusing on the tricky endeavours that are one night stands, the emotions swirling after such encounters were subtly but forcefully highlighted on screen, which is no mean feat in its own right. Starting off right in the middle of such a physical tryst, we are thrust into an intimate situation, with little room to breathe. However, it is the lingering aftermath that weighs down heavily on us as much as it does on the characters. A single location, two characters, and yet there was so much in the air.

A similar tension could be noted with Midnights with Adam, though I am thankful for the longer duration, allowing for a slower build up and a bigger payday. It concerns a young man, who’s grappling not only with his sexuality, but also the perceived notions of that sexuality with another whom he may secretly be in love with. It is this lover’s apparent preference for women that makes it difficult for him to reconcile the dilemmas of his heart. At the same time, there is also another who wishes to be with him, if only for his body.

Matters of the heart (and body) comes to a head near the film’s end, but what’s interesting here is that this love triangle plays out without much need for extra focus on the character’s gender and sexuality; you could have switched the genders around for a more conventional pattern, if you will, and still have a very effective and heartfelt film.

The same applies to Missed, the story of a

young woman who was about to depart for another place. Her lover struggles with this particular decision, and the story plays out in a series of montages and Polaroids of their memories, adequately establishing their relationship. The power of this film lies in the two leads, Hannah Balagot and Amanda Kathleen Ward; Ward herself costarred in Midnights with Adam, but would truly shine in its equally-effective companion film After Hours, directed by Yudho’s frequent collaborator Alicia Goff.

She helped to produce Lilies, which again featured same-sex lovers without making a big deal out of it. If anything, I fear may well be making a bigger deal out of it than the filmmakers did, but such is Yudho’s focus on what is important. Similar to Missed, it is not afraid to utilise montages of flashback to establish the past, yet it’s use of a singular prop, imbued with great meaning that tied it all together. I had tried something similar in the past, and while I was happy enough with it, I did not effect the same result in as effective a manner.

Lilies is an exercise both the simplicity and efficiency of meaning making.

There are others, too. The Morning After treads on similar grounds to Inbetween Nights, yet the story’s slightly different outcome and approach gives it a different feel to the rest of his films mentioned here. Speaking of different, On The D to the Coney is a single take exercise that pushed the limits of technical filmmaking; featuring two different characters, only one of them was wired up with a mic. Add in a cacophonous environment like a train, and you have real difficulty of making out what the other was trying to say. It’s a bit of a shame, because

Yudho treats issues of love, matters of the heart, and desires of the body as only and exactly that

FEATURE FIKRI JERMADI

IMAGE: MIGUEL Á. PADRIÑÁN / PEXELS

It is the lingering aftermath that weighs down heavily on us as much as it does on the characters

Less, indeed, is more, and in the films of Yudho Aditya, that more is above and beyond what many other films offer. Like I said at the start of this write up, his films brings to the fore many on the fringe, especially if we are to take into consideration his Indonesian background.

The American film landscape has seen a greater sense of diversity from the ground up, if not necessarily from the top-down side of things.

What I would like to see is Yudho operating in a more Indonesian context. His short film Pria, currently listed as being in postproduction, appears to be this. What he has done is portray a reality many won’t usually associate with alternative communities. A lot of other works of art can’t help but sensationalise the very homocentrism they seek to unpack. Here, however, what I found is a great filmmaker and storyteller, peeling away at the layers as he treats issues of love, matters of the heart, and desires of the body as only and exactly that.

In centering the fringe, Yudho Aditya has succeeded in representing human beings as essentially humans. It is a perspective we would do well to remember.

Originally published on Thoughts on Films, a portal about films in Malaysia and beyond.

42 | CQ MAGAZINE | #7

IMAGE: MARCO NEDERMEIJER / FLICKR

the performance of the actors was something to behold. The same could be said for Heart & Soles. The minimal approach to the elements meant a greater reliance on the performers, and we are not let down by this. I shared this film with a friend, and she noted that “it leaves one with thoughts even after the conversation is over.”

FEATURE MANIK REGE

Dear Pink Manik Rege writes a letter to his favourite colour IMAGE: PEZIBEAR/PIXABAY

Dear Pink, I like you. Is that a bad thing?

I mean, whenever I select a pink t-shirt or a purple toy, mom snatches it away and gives me a weird look. I’m told it’s meant for girls, and not for boys like me.

Who decides this? If you know any government body that makes these strange rules, please tag them here. I’d really like someone to explain the logic behind ‘pink is for girls and blue is for boys’.

I’d also like to know why boys shouldn’t cry, wear makeup, be sensitive with friends and do so many things we feel like doing all the time.

I’m old enough to know that our bodies are not exactly the same as those of girls. I accept the fact that girls and boys have different physical needs. But when it comes to human emotions, I think we’re all one and the same, aren’t we? We all feel pain and love, regardless of our gender, sex,

colour or religion. We all get hurt and we all cry, don’t we?

That brings me to my main question. If a man and a woman both go through their own type of trauma and problems, why is only one of them shown consideration while the other is assumed to be a weak and helpless human being. I mean, people seem perfectly okay with a girl sobbing on the street. But put a boy in her place and the reactions change.

I’ve never seen the media throw light on the stories of hundreds of boys who lose their childhood to pedophiles and monsters.

Don’t boys deserve justice, too? Or have people assumed that men can only commit crime but never be the victims in need of help?

Oh, I’m sorry, I totally forgot. All men are dogs, aren’t they? All we guys think about is sex and drugs. We don’t have any feelings whatsoever. We’re wild animals who deserve to be punished and put down, right? #7 | CQ MAGAZINE | 43

FEATURE MANIK REGE Well, if that’s the attitude people have towards my gender, and if they think of all men as monsters and dogs, then I pity them and their filthy attitude. They’re the shameful truth about our modern society.

It’s a shame that the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence estimates one in seven men will be victims to severe domestic violence every year. It’s a shame that we will do nothing to help them out.

It’s a shame that tens of thousands of men will commit suicide this year (at least according to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention) just because they fear that speaking out for their safety will tarnish their image in the society. It’s a shame that a man is not allowed to express his pain like a normal human being, just because he fears being labelled as ‘gay,’ ‘girly’ and weak.

People need to know, and people need to know this now: men feel pain just like women do. Although we don’t face the same issues as those of our female friends, we go through our own set of physical and mental problems, too.

If we need to build a truly equal society, we should learn to respect people for who they are as human beings, and not for the gender, caste or colour they represent.

I just hope someday in the future, boys like me will not be ashamed to confess their love for the colour ‘pink.’

I hope there will come a time when men can be sensitive without being judged.

I hope colours, careers and fashions will break the walls of gender to make way for a world where people are recognised and respected not as women or men but as truly equal human beings.

Until such a time, I promise to keep breaking the stereotype by wearing you with pride.

Your fan for life, Manik Rege

44 | CQ MAGAZINE | #7

IMAGE: JILL111 / PIXABAY

Originally published on manikrege.com as Boy writes letter to his favourite colour ‘pink’.

I’d really like someone to explain the logic behind ‘pink is for girls and blue is for boys’

COLLAGE UNDERSTANDING GENDER RELATIONS

The Gender Question We ask 10 people how gender relations can be better understood IMAGE: ALEXAS FOTOS / PIXABAY

Tina Yusof, filmmaker In a societal context I think it begins with creating discussions on how men and women can help each other. I spend a lot of time on social media because I feel like that’s where people go to voice their opinions. However, there seems to be an endless battle of the sexes. She shouldn’t be my boss because women are emotional.

Men are constantly preying on women.

Should women put a price on themselves when getting married? Can’t a man stay at home to take care of his kids? I think it’s not a matter of who does the job, it’s a matter of who gets the job done. I feel we put too much weight on how everything relates to gender, when that is most certainly not the case.

Maybe this doesn’t really answer the question. But for people to have a better understanding of gender relations, they must be open to the idea that gender does not dictate a person’s function in society; gender is how we see ourselves, not necessarily how others see us.

Tina Yusof’s short film, Potong, was screened at the 2017 SeaShorts Film Festival.

Amir Muhammad, writer and filmmaker By putting yourself in another's shoes, whether those shoes be stilettos or sneakers.

Find out more about Buku Fixi’s latest releases at fixi.com.my.

Putri Tasnim Arif, academic Gender relations can be well understood if it is looked at in the perspective of yin and yang, or, in a more derogatory way, the sixty-nine position, that men and women are meant to help one another to benefit one’s strength and to support one’s weakness. We are meant to fit one another, not fight.

Find out more about the Free University of Berlin at fu-berlin.de/en.

#7 | CQ MAGAZINE | 45

COLLAGE UNDERSTANDING GENDER RELATIONS Wan Zawawi Ibrahim, anthropologist Always try to look at gender relations from the perspective of the other sex rather than from the male.

His latest paper, Disciplining Rock and Identity Contestations: Hybridization, Islam and New Musical Genres in Contemporary Malaysian Popular Music, can be read on Academia.edu.

Nyoomi Kamani, writer I was told to interpret this question whichever way. Therefore, I would first like to narrate a story before I answer the question.

Personally, I would say that gender relations refer to the way that society perceives how a man and a woman should behave. Although my family has always given me the freedom to choose what I would like to do with my life and have, in fact, never differentiated between my brother and I, I would imagine that many have not been as privileged as me. Growing up, I was never told that I was supposed to act a certain way or dress in a certain way.

In fact, I was encouraged to explore as many avenues as I could in order to grow as a person.

IMAGE: MONOAR / PIXABAY

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I was never interested in make-up, Barbie dolls, dresses or even skirts, the usual things that are supposedly what every girl should be interested in. On the contrary, I loved playing football, and my passion for the sport grew when I was sent to Vietnam and Bangkok to represent my school for a sport that made me feel so alive. You may be thinking that this story is strange and has no link to the question posed. Well, I’m getting to that.

From the moment that we are born, we are either classified as a girl or a boy. If you were a girl, you would be dressed in pink clothing and handed Barbie dolls to play with. If you were a boy, you would be dressed in blue clothing and handed toy cars to pass your time with. Although these acts are small, they surely do place you in a box.

As you grow up, you start to learn what a boy should like/dislike and what a girl should like/dislike. If a boy liked to play with Barbie dolls, he was immediately labelled as a ‘sissy’ and if a girl liked to play football she would be called a ‘tomboy’. You see, from the moment that we are born, there are already boundaries that stop us from doing things that are separate from the way that society expects us to act.

This is where education steps in. We need to educate children from young that it is alright to like activities or toys that are seen as ‘girlish’ or ‘boyish’ and that, in fact, these terms do not even exist. I would personally say that Generation-Y are more acceptable and open to change rather than Generation-X, as many seem to be set in their own ways. It is now not only enough to teach children numbers and the alphabet but, it is also important to teach them to be accepting. Therefore, personally, I would say that the key to making people understand better about gender relations is education.

Read Nyoomi’s writings on lawforme.in, the go-to law simplifying tool for today’s India.

Tan Meng Yoe, academic How does one teach respect and the equal value of all human life? In this case, I draw inspiration from the teachings of my faith.

For example, Mark 12:31’s “Love your neighbour as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these” is very useful. The same goes for “Do to others as you would have them do to you” in Luke 6:31.

Find out about Monash University Malaysia at monash.edu.my.

COLLAGE UNDERSTANDING GENDER RELATIONS

KL24: Zombies is now available on YouTube.

Cyren Wong, activist and scholar Well it's a pretty tough question to answer mainly because the term gender has come to mean so much for so many different groups of people but the dominant discourse of many societies are still pretty rigid about how it is defined and who gets to be gendered in what way. It's a monumental task, and the responsibility lies not in the hands of one person, but many persons.

But - as with most things - I believe it needs to begin with an open mind and that is something that probably needs to be encouraged from childhood, where our own ideas on gender are cemented. Let boys play with dolls, let girls play with trucks, and more importantly don't make them feel any less ‘manly’ or ‘womanly’ for doing these things.

Which, of course, is a very different thing from gender identity. But basically gender roles are merely social constructs about what we should or should not do based on whatever parts they were born with which is sounds more and more dumb the more you think about it. The human mind, and body, is capable of doing so many things, and here we are limiting ourselves because of a part of our anatomy that makes up but a small portion of our biological bodies.

I think the first step of understanding gender roles better is to be more aware of how they are constructed. If something is only so because it was constructed, it can be deconstructed, or reconstituted. I'm hoping the parents of our generation will be more open and aware about these things.

Men and women are meant to help one another to benefit each other; we are meant to fit one another, not fight Esther Chung, Monash Alumni I think people should first understand evolutionary biology of the sexes before they try to understand gender relations.

Saying a woman often overthinks isn't sexist, it's a fact. Saying men have the tendency to stray isn't sexist, it's a fact too.

Men have always been the hunter, women the gatherer. Men have the ability to procreate many times a year, most women only once.

In short, it's all science.

Marco Ferrarese, writer and musician I believe, for starters, by not assuming that there is implicit sexism going on in any line of conversation. Too many times I've been accused of being this and that by people who, instead of using and understanding an acerbic, witty sense of humor, prefer to erect ideological walls. Life's too short for making trenches... and many times, the boogeyman really isn't where people think it is.

His book, Banana Punk Rawk Trails, is available in bookstores everywhere, and was reviewed in the fourth issue of CQ Magazine. Find out more at bananapunkrawktrails.com.

IMAGE: PAWEL KADYSZ / TOOKAPIC

Shamaine Othman, filmmaker There has to be initiatives taken at the workplace, school and most importantly, home. If you teach your children about gender roles from a very young age, they will bring it with them to school and later at the workplace.

#7 | CQ MAGAZINE | 47

AGE: SASINT / PIXABAY

If you teach your children about gender roles from a very young age, they will bring it with them to school and later at the workplace

POETRY AISYAH EZRAL

Mother in the Hood TEXT: AISYAH EZRAL IMAGE: UNSPLASH / PIXABAY

Laundry hampers can overflow to become gifts to bring to the parties we have in our birthday suits.

Cookbooks pile on perished goods and foods as the heart of the home remain smokeless.

Don't bother 'bout the clutter The duster can go yonder as I turn a blind eye.

Maybes to coffee and parties, to half-sailed ...ships dissed and dismissed.

Crossed out, unchecked long winding bucket lists library wish list.

Constipate the diarrhea un-anticipate baths and showers count out rendezvouses.

All can wait, except, those which I birthed.

Not mutually exclusive: My progeny, My poetry. #7 | CQ MAGAZINE | 49

REVIEW ZUE

Potpourri of Perspectives Zue kicked back and read Young and Malay: Growing up in Multicultural Malaysia.

IMAGE: MSHAKIR83 / WIKIPEDIA

Like all readers, I have a fascination with books and all things bookish. One of these bookish elements that appeal to me are book covers. Regardless if it is paperback or hardback (though I have a pet peeve for dust jackets), I’d like to think that the cover was designed to incorporate the contents within one page, preferably with some form of visual art.

awards that I’ve received. I wanted to prove them wrong. I wanted to show that I can prove my worth through my actions.

However, now I’m thinking: why should I care? I don’t need their praises or approval to land me a job or even to feel satisfied.

Having said that, I still want them to understand that not everyone goes through the same experiences as they do.

So when I look at the cover of ‘Young and Malay’, I half expect the contents to be fairly obscured and, if I may, the writers would pull their punches. This thought occurred because these writers weren’t anonymous to begin with and the cover showed a sketch of a man with his eyes covered with a strip of pink banner and the title printed large and clear: ‘YOUNG and MALAY’. However, after two essays in, I’d beg to differ.

Dyana Sofya wrote in her essay:

Each essay was written as a thought provoking piece with well-made points from real issues that are considered sensitive in this time and place. They contain accounts from different perspectives that many readers can relate to, with topics ranging from music, education, culture, politics, and being brought up in a multicultural country.

Clearly, we can see that these writers could not escape the negative stereotyping but they’ve also shown us the many ways they reacted to them.

Couldn’t have said it better myself.

I share the same alma mater with Dyana Sofya and so I faced the same issue of people thinking that I had a free pass to get into UiTM. And that’s not all: I had people who have directly and indirectly devalued the certification and awards from that institution. It pained me to think about the 50 | CQ MAGAZINE | #7

“Descent, family background, education, religion, social exposure, opportunity and fate play vital roles in shaping a person’s mind-set, heart-et, and take on life. I grew up in the same household as my brothers but we have different personalities, we think differently, we have different goals in life, and my perception of certain things is poles apart.”

While on the subject of Bumiputeras, some of the writers of this anthology pointed out that sometimes being ‘special’ come with consequences. Some are under the impression that all Malays are guaranteed to reap so much benefits and as a result, it seems to undermine the efforts that we’ve put forward.

From my experience, I don’t believe that we’re all assured of an effort-free lifestyle.

From my years as a student – from primary school to my postgraduate studies – I have only received an RM10,000 scholarship from the Ministry of Education (also known as the MyBrain15 programme) for my master degree that cost RM1,700 more on tuition fees alone. There were many times when I applied for scholarships, only to find

another friend with similar grades as mine to receive it while my application was rejected. I find that there are two likely responses when friends/family hear about this: “Tak ada rezeki” (closest that I can translate this expression to is “No luck”) or “Pakai kabel” (it loosely means someone inside an institution/ministry/organisation who can help out with your situation). I react to both by shrugging my shoulders.

Like many cultures throughout the world, opinions vary even within a single ethnic group. Because most of these essays contain personal experiences, readers can see the many shades of colour in the Malay community. Out of all the issues that were brought up, the subject that is most commonly discussed about is identity, namely the Malay identity in Malaysia. The idea of a Malay identity talked about here is flexible and at the same time rigid.

Without a doubt, this contradictory nature was the result of our history including the colonial period that lasted for hundreds of years. Among them that are instilled within the minds of the Malays are the inferiority complex that resulted in what Zairil Khir Johari calls a “perver[sion] because it not only contradicts the imperious sense of entitlement encapsulated in the widely espoused nationalist slogan of ketuanan Melayu, or ‘Malay supremacy’, but also because it was logically irreconcilable with the fact that the Malays command an everexpanding demographic presence”. As to establish the Malay identity, the Federal Constitution of Malaysia stated that a Malay individual is a Muslim who speaks the Malay language and practices the Malay culture. However this, too, seem to find its way to become a contradiction by political pursuits.

Culture, religion, and politics are much intertwined with each other, and the Malay identity is no exception

REVIEW ZUE It is admittedly difficult to discuss about the issue of ethnicity these days without bringing up politics. Culture, religion, and politics are much intertwined with each other, and the Malay identity is no exception. So what makes a Malay individual? Someone who speaks Malay, practices the Malay culture, and is a Muslim, as stated in the Federal Constitution?

First of all, we enforce other languages in our curriculum, mostly English that many still consider as ‘bahasa penjajah’ (colonisers’ language). For the record, I disagree completely with this term. English no longer belongs to one group of people (according to linguists David Crystal, Victoria Fromkin, and Braj Kachru). Besides, speaking a different language doesn’t mean they are not proud of their native tongue. It just means that they are bilingual or like most of us Malaysians are, multilingual.

Secondly, our culture is so rich but due to certain circumstances, it clashes itself with other things. Therefore it is common to see that parts of our heritage such as some traditional dances that are deemed unIslamic are banned today. Personally, I feel torn between saddened for the lost of a sacred art much like Altaf Deviyati stated in her essay Deconstructing the Malay Narrative, and letting it go in the name of our faith. As a dance, they do portray elements of beauty and grace that I admire, but I’ve also seen too many Malay horror films to convince myself that a bomoh (shamanistic) ritual is not always a good idea.

As a Muslim, I try to abide by the rules that I’ve been taught. I don the hijab because I believe it’s compulsory for a female Muslim to do so. Meanwhile, a lot of my friends decided not to but it doesn’t make me any better than them, vice versa. It also doesn’t make me an extremist Muslim and them the moderate Muslim. We’re all allowed to have opinions. We can all agree to disagree. As long as we learn to remind ourselves to not judge a book by its cover, literally and figuratively, we’ll find that there’s a lot to learn from one another.

52 | CQ MAGAZINE | #7

IMAGE: UWE ARANAS / WIKIPEDIA

Young and Malay: Growing Up in Multicultural Malaysia is published by Gerakbudaya Enterprise, and is available in all good bookstores.

Culture, religion, and politics are much intertwined with each other, and the Malay identity is no exception

The essays were thought provoking pieces with well-made points from real issues considered sensitive

Sabotage TEXT: LYDIA KOH IMAGE: TOBIAS MAYR / FLICKR

POETRY LYDIA KOH

Call it whatever I want That it's a foolish, lopsided rant Say it isn't true Spin it how I want to Day in and day out The truth will find a route However hard I try It could still make me cry Cos I'm running out of reasons Time and conditions Tensions run high and I'm all out of whys This is purely and simply Sabotage, essentially And how it will matter In the grand scheme of forever

#7 | CQ MAGAZINE | 55

FEATURE JOYCE NG

The Curious Case of Robert Downey Jr. Intrigued by the man behind the (iron) mask, Joyce Ng takes a closer look at the context of his celebrity and stardom.

IMAGE: DUNCAN C / FLICKR

“Every struggle in your life has shaped you into the person you are today.”

This quote reflects the journey of Robert Downey Jr.’s life in relation to his struggle with drug addiction, after being exposed to them by his own father at a very young age. Evidently, this did not help, with this addiction and other factors leading to producers steering a wide berth of the actor. Ben Falk, author of a Downey Jr. biography, even claimed it caused Downey Jr. to cut his asking salary by about 70%.

Yet now the man himself stands tall at the top of Hollywood, as a career-defining role as Iron Man (re)solidified his presence as an A lister.

To understand how this came about, we must take a closer look at the idea of Hollywood stardom itself. Paul McDonald, a specialist in the topic, expounds two types of acting: personification (playing one type of role) and impersonification (a range of different roles, though the actor’s more likely to be remembered for one). Since his father, Robert Downey Sr., introduced him to acting at the age of five, Downey Jr. have leaned towards the latter, exploring different roles and genres, such as horror, science fiction, comedy and romance.

However, it is instructive that he is largely remembered by the general public as Tony Stark, the (not so secret) identity of the aforementioned Iron Man. This shows how selective the audience can be in remembering and defining the actor and his roles.

Along with Richard Dyer, McDonald also suggests that the aim of studying stars is “to establish… the recurrent features of 56 | CQ MAGAZINE | #7

performance are and what they signify in terms of the star’s image”. This explains that there are many ways to analyse a film, as it can be based on the director, editing, genre or even the chosen actor. The process of selecting a particular actor or actress to be part of the film is important, as the ability of the star to connect with the character they are required to uptake is crucial.

Building up from Christine Gledhill’s argument of “stars as constructs”, the outcome of the film is also highly dependent on how much of the actor’s real life (off-screen) persona is able to connect to his reel life (on-screen). Lest we forget, the film itself is a construct, bleeding into public consciousness. An example can be seen in an omitted scene from the first Iron Man film. The scene in questions shows Stark and Colonel James Rhodes on a private a plane, complete with strippers on board and extra services on the side.

Removed from the final edit, it was deemed to have crossed the line, showcasing not a playboy but a male slut taking advantage of business trips. It does not fit with the ideal persona for Downey Jr. What is the persona, though? One definition of persona we’ll work with is Martin Shingler’s idea; he says that persona is “best used in a more restricted way to describe the visual impact of a star’s films on their off-screen personality, so that the coherence of the actor’s image on screen is clearly identified as a technologically based construction.” Taken from his book, Star Studies: A Critical Guide, this quote explains how a persona may have overlapping personalities, between the reel and real of the actor,

while taking into account that these very personalities would only be communicated and restricted by the advancement in technology.

Dyer, however, understands star as the image which takes into account not just the actor (real and/or reel), but also how external parties portray the star. This includes industry releases (thriller, poster, promotions), critical and audience reception, as well well as what the star themselves would say and do. Gledhill seconds this, stating a star persona to exist as a “separate entity from either the real person or film character, while combining elements of both”. She believes this to be a “crafted and consolidated public projection of the real person, built in part out of film roles and other public appearances.” This cornucopia of quotes explains how Downey Jr.’s persona on- and off-screen may vary or have similarities with the character he chooses to play.

How did Iron Man come into the picture?

For director Jon Favreau, it was a risky decision he took in casting Downey Jr. as the lead actor. Through the misgivings of others, he insisted on his choice, explaining in an interview with The New York Times how the public is interested in witnessing Downey Jr.’s comeback, showcasing “the real aspect of Robert Downey Jr. in Tony Stark’s character.” It ties in with his vision of a bad boy, wrestling with his demons to gain second chances and change, becoming a better person in the process.

This is because, in addition to acting, Downey Sr. would also introduce his offspring to drugs. Rather than looking back with regrets, however, Downey Jr.

FEATURE JOYCE NG understood this in a slightly different way.

“When my dad and I would do drugs together,” he revealed in an interview with People magazine, “it was him trying to express his love for me in the only way he knew how.” In a 1999 court hearing, after having numerous failed treatments, Downey Jr. described this as having “a shotgun in my mouth with my finger on the trigger, and I like the taste of gun metal.”

Through that insight into his thought process, the intention to reholster the shotgun was clear. That will became crystal clear with the music video of Elton John’s I Want Love. Starring in it, the lyrics gets to the heart of a matter, as John sang that “a man like me is dead in places … but I want love … just a different kind … that won’t break him down wont me up and won’t fence me in.” Performed on-screen

by Downey Jr., there are no prizes for guessing how true the lines rang; here is a man who wants a second opportunity in order to gain the love he once had from the industry, one that would not tear him apart or put him behind bars again. It is through

this determination, along with support from his wife and successful treatments, that Downey Jr. cleaned up his act, being drugfree since 2003.

One of the important figures in his real and reel life is director Favreau, himself a respected actor close to Downey Jr. By insisting on him as Stark, it allowed the star’s career to bloom again. On screen, this was a resurrection providing the chance to learn, change and alter the way he chooses to protect the country (earning money by providing weapons and actually trying to protect the country). Again, though, this purgatory of bad choices was not useless, as that experience beget the physical features and activities he carried out, which was described in an interview with Oprah Winfrey as “born out of time spent in prison.”

On a physical level, there is a certain masculinity that was strong and sure. In the Iron Man series, this focus was directed towards the body suit Stark was building.

Sherlock Holmes the movie required a greater level of martial arts from Sherlock Holmes the character. In both films, however, the audience is able to identify the moves Downey Jr. carried out as real, something which requires precise training precise training and movement.

In an ironic way, this time spent ‘in prison’ actually allowed him to transform and translate his abilities into becoming Tony Stark. Stark, as a character, went through similar ordeals, facing life-threatening moments (he was believed to be dead after a bomb explosion); in Iron Man 3, his house was attacked and he jumped into the sea in order to protect himself.

The film played up the Downey Jr. persona as a rich playboy, due to his practicallynatural ability to attract girls because of his manly, elegant looks, and way with words.

This attraction saved Stark’s life in the third film; Maya Hanson, who had initially led Stark’s wife Pepper Potts into a trap, ultimately risked her own life save Stark’s.

Personally, I would categorise Robert Downer Jr. as a suave lover instead of a playboy, a different part of his persona enhanced in this way. According to Paul Cartledge and Fiona Rose Greenland, the term suave, especially for males, is associated with words such as charming, good-looking, confident and elegant, which Downey Jr. is definitely seen as.

In the real world (as in the reel world), he is loyal to all his partners, in spite of the fame and fortune. Though Stark is seen as a playboy, he also remains loyal to his love, Pepper; in Iron Man 3, he tells Maya that

IMAGE: JUSTIN BROWN / FLICKR

58 | CQ MAGAZINE | #7

IMAGE: JASON / FLICKR

Lest we forget, the film itself is a construct, bleeding into public consciousness

FEATURE JOYCE NG order to protect Holmes from being killed.

His other films test his acting abilities in different ways. The films Less Than Zero and Sherlock Holmes showcases characters dealing with personal problems and addictions which Downey Jr. (nor Stark) would not find alien. The actor himself stated in an interview with Lauren Schuker that Holmes is more of an amalgamation of previous characters he has portrayed: “Holmes was like a cross between two previous parts I'd done: Tony Stark and Chaplin, which I loved.” An element of drug addiction even crops up in Sherlock Holmes, with the eponymous character resorting to shooting walls with guns as he coops up indoors for days.

In the 1987 film, Less Than Zero, he played the role of the protagonist, Julian, whose life went downhill so much he ended up taking drugs as a means of escape. This worsening addiction, leading to violence, eventually led to his passing; even after a moment of catharsis, it suggests this to be a step too far down the wrong road of what might have been. “This role is an exaggerated vision,” he said in an interview about his portrayal of Julian. “It was the closest I’ve come to leaving part of myself up onscreen for people to look at and examine.”

Downey Jr. speaks, drives, and dresses like Stark, making it more difficult to separate the man from the myth

A big part of him had to do with the parent, an issue which also rears its head on screen. In the first Iron Man film, Stark did not see his father in a considerate light, as he was always too busy to play with him when he was a child. This would change by the third film, as his father bequeathed on him the greatest creation he was not able to complete due to technological constraints of his era. In Less Than Zero, similar scenes took place, where Julian’s father threw him out of the hous; it was this that kickstarted his addiction and tendency of violence. Downey Jr. can certainly relate to Julian on these two themes.

he is “in a committed relationship now”, proving that he is now a changed man. In comparing gender and their star status, it is interesting how both Downey Jr. and Gwyneth Paltrow had very different roles despite being relatively well-known.

Expanding beyond the superhero genre, this same persona is revisited in Sherlock Holmes, as Watsons explains his bemusement as to why Holmes couldn’t get over a past love. Holmes was in love with her, though they are not together.

However, his love interest’s strong attraction to him ensured his safety, when she agreed to work for the antagonist in

Beyond the silver screen, Downey Jr. has also appeared in television series such as Ally McBeal. He played the character Larry, bringing together emotions from both sides of the coin such as arrogance and charm, and love and hurt. Downey Jr. showcased a different side to his abilities as an actor, as the series protagonist McBeal was drawn by his charm through his honesty.

He opened up about experiences from the past, of having a son with an ex-wife. This does not hold him back from the present, however, as he surprised her by hiring Sting. The icing on the cake came as Larry performed with the English singer. Again, the art of being attractive to women while remaining loyal to one is played by Downey Jr. to perfection. #7 | CQ MAGAZINE | 59

FEATURE JOYCE NG

In addition to acting, Downey Sr. would also introduce his offspring to drugs

We see, therefore, how Downey Jr. has performed similar forms of characterisation, even as he traverses the different genres (and mediums) throughout the years. Yet it is the character of Tony Stark which has remained the most prominent in public consciousness, as audiences filters the different roles an actor takes with their own biases. It showcases how, despite the risk many thought the director Jon Favreau was taking in casting Downey Jr., his selection as Iron Man was actually a no-brainer.

This is primarily because in so many ways, Downey Jr. is Stark. As much as the media filters information, along with identities manufactured and maintained by specialists, the ongoing construction, deconstruction and reconstruction blurs the boundaries between the on-screen and off-screen performance. It doesn’t help that in real life, Downey Jr. speaks very much like Tony Stark, driving the same cars and even dressing up as him (or Iron Man, to be precise), making it more difficult for people to separate the man from the myth.

If every struggle does indeed shape people into who they are today, perhaps they can take comfort not only from themselves, but from those they want to be. The audience can therefore find comfort in the idea that if it’s never too late for a famous star like Robert Downey Jr., it’s never too late for they themselves.

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IMAGE: JOHN IRVING / FLICKR

More to the point, the trials and tribulations of Downey Jr. is focused on by many because it shows the infallibility of human beings. This type of news and persona informs individuals that they may face different problems and struggles in life, which is hard to overcome. However, with determination, attitude and the correct support to turn a new leaf, nothing is impossible.

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