QUINTESSENTIAL CHICAGO
Sure, it was an easy answer because who doesn’t? But the numbers don’t lie. In my 23 months in Chicago, I ate at a whopping 104 spots.
Neutral - definitely ate here Hot take - I do not like this place at all
104 RESTAURANTS, ONE HUNGRY CORGI
5411 Empanadas Aba Aberdeen Tap
Aglaia Coffee & Tea Co
AJ Hudson’s Allez Cafe Ann Sather Restaurant
Armitage Alehouse
Au Cheval Bahn Mi Spot
Bambola Bandit Bar Roma Barcocina Batter & Berries
Bavette’s Beatrix Big Bite Sushi
Blue Door Farm Stand
Bourgeois Pig Cafe Briny Swine Butcher & The Burger
Cafe Ba Ba Reeba Cafe El Tapatio Chicago Bagel Authority Cira
Coalfire Coda Di Volpe
Crosby’s Kitchen
D’Agostino’s Pizza
Denucci's Devil Dawgs Dog House
Dublin’s Bar & Grill Earls Kitchen & Bar
Ella Elli
Ema Etta Fairgrounds Falafel & Grill Flat Top Grill Gallucci
Gemini
GG’s Chicken Shop
Gilt Bar
Gino & Marty’s
Gioia Goddess and the Baker
Gotham Bagel Green Street Smoked Meats Happy Camper Il Porcellino
Itoko
Kaiser Tiger Kamehachi Kanela Breakfast Club
Kasama
Lou Malnati’s LuxBar
Maple & Ash
Mindy’s Bakery Mr. Beef Nookies
Omakase Yume
Parlor Pizza Pat's Pizza
Piccolo Sogno Pizzeria Portofino Port & Park
Ramen-San River Roast Rizzo’s Bar & Inn Rooh
Roost
RPM Italian
RPM Steakhouse Rumi Middle Eastern Grill
Small Cheval
Solita
Southport Grocery and Cafe Stax Cafe
Steingold’s Sugar Moon Bakery Sun Wah BBQ Sunda
Sushi X
Taco Lulu Tacombi
Tango Sur
Texan Taco Bar The Black Barrel Tavern The Dawson The Drop In The Reservoir The Smith Time Out Market Trivoli Tavern Tuco and Blondie Twisted Spoke Tzuco
Velvet Taco
Volare
Windy City Cafe Young’s Chinese
WHERE SHOULD WE EAT?
What time of day is it?
Morning Afternoon Evening
Are you hungover?
Windy City Cafe, River West yes
Kasama, Ukrainian Village no
5411 Empanadas, Wrigleyville Lincoln Park Wicker Park yes
Do you want to eat with your hands?
Gemini, Lincoln Park no
Want to bring your own wine?
Small Cheval, Old Town/ Wrigleyville/ Wicker Park patty
Do you want lots of flavors to choose from?
no sure? that’s a weird way to put it? yes no
Pick your BEEF
Are you trying to walk in without a reservation?
Time Out Market Fulton Market yes
Mr. Beef* River North shredded
Armitage Alehouse Lincoln Park no *yes, that one from The Bear
QUACK
Quack or moo?
Sun Wah BBQ Uptown
Tango Sur Wrigleyville
Interview with Hugh and Maddie Lambert
[ML] Typical Hugh response
[HL] It was a great dinner, had a lot of fun. The next morning you’re kinda like oh man what did we get ourselves
[HL] How hard it is to get a reservation.
[ML] And Instagram reels.
Above Technically Maddie and Hugh got married in Detroit, but that’s still married in a city! Plus I always said their pictures belong in a magazine!
Does that make you want to eat there if?
If it’s hard to get a res?
[HL] Yes
[ML] Unless it’s Pizzeria Portofino, cause that let me down. That really made me sad. We had to book it two months in advance and I was all excited! And it was so disappointing.
[HL] I didn’t get pizza, I got pasta.
You got pasta at PIZZAria Portofino?
[ML] That’s what I thought! It’s not PASTA Portofino!
Okay so that’s overhyped. What else have you found to be a let down?
[ML] I feel like there are things but… maybe not. Maybe everything’s actually been good. That was the only one I had high expectations for - well, no. I have high expectations for all of them, but not super high. Instagram reels has guided me pretty well so far. They do a good job of showing the dishes.
If it’s just you two what do you think is the most romantic place to get a little drinky drink or bite to eat?
[ML] I really like Gino & Marty’s for one-on-one dates.
[HL] Mhmm.
[ML] That didn’t sound confident. What do you think?
[HL] I guess I’d say Trivoli Tavern, we’ve been to that place more. I don't know, places with cool bars are nice.
[ML] Yeah we just went to Bar La Rue which was really fun for a date with just the two of us. The decorations in there are all flowers and then they’ve
got fun things on the menu like chicken nuggets with caviar.
Yum?
[ML] Oh yeah. They also have this gruyere burger. They cut the burger in half so it’s really good to share. Then the plate is covered in melted gruyere so you can just dip the burger in cheese.
Holy shit that does sound yummy. Alright dirty girl, where’s the best place to get a dirty martini?
[ML] I think one of the best ones has to be Trivoli Tavern. Trivoli’s like our top restaurant.
I mean it’s so close to you guys how could it not?
[ML] Yeah and you walk down that little pathway and it’s like you’re in a different country.
Hugh - you cannot say the Guinness brewery because that’s cheating - but where is the best place in the city to get a Guinness ?
[HL] Anywhere where it’s on draft. I guess where we went - Butch
McGuire’s - Guinness was pretty good there. Only been there once though. Oh no no wait. Trivoli Tavern. Frosted Guinness mug $5.
I can’t tell if you’re kidding or not.
[ML] This is actually just an ad for Trivoli Tavern.
I usually ask what one place you would recommend, but I think we know the answer.
[HL] Maple & Ash.
[ML] Oh yeah that’s true especially because we found out you could hooker watch.
[Harvey chimes in] What?
[HL] Yeah the upstairs bar is apparently where they all hang out.
[ML] Yeah and apparently we missed that.
Maybe that’s where we were supposed to go?
[ML] Maybe people were watching us.
Skip that, try this
Aba
Small Cheval
Richard’s
Alla Vita
Lou Malnati’s
Cafe Tola
Chicago Bagel Authority
Ann Sather Restaurant
RPM Steak
Ema
The Drop In MatchBox
Piccolo Sogno
Pat’s
5411 Empanadas
Steingold’s
Batter & Berries
Tango Sur
EVOLUTION OF
PHASE ONE: THIS IS THE BEST CITY IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD!
You feel like the first person to move to Chicago after graduating. You’ll revolutionize places like The Vig, LG’s, and Benchmark and feel like you’re right back on campus.
Eventually you stumble into Sluggers. Between the dueling piano singalongs and batting cages, this is drunk heaven. When you’ve started getting an ick from watching your friends focus too hard on trying to hit a ball, you’ll wander to Old Crow. You’ll notice the revolting red on the walls and realize you’re in an OSU bar, but quickly get over it because the live band just started playing Take Me Home, Country Roads.
PHASE TWO: Now THIS is a gem!
Once you’ve gotten your bearings, you’re ready to explore hole-in-the-wall spots, but it’s just Hangge Uppe.
At this phase, you might even venture to River North because it feels mature. You’ll go to places like Mother Hubbard, Howl at the Moon, and Hubbard Inn. Hell, you’ll even torture yourself with a Chicago handshake; then you’re a true Chicagoan.
PHASE THREE: I’m not like other 23 year olds...
After you’ve reached your ~6 month mark of being a downtown denizen, you’ll start dipping your toe in other neighborhoods and smaller bars. This is where you can get creative and pick your poison.
You might end up in Logan Square, starting the night with a martini from Consignment Lounge before waltzing into The Whistler and listening to a live DJ set. Careful: at least one of your friends will threaten to pick up DJing.
Perhaps you venture to River West at Richard’s Bar. This cash only, cigarette infested bar will make you feel simultaneously adored and hated.
PHASE FOUR: Anyone want to just stay in tonight?
I’ll never turn down exploring an asbestos-filled dive bar or overzealous cocktail lounge - nor am I encouraging anyone else to - but I’ve grown to love just being surrounded by friends and good spirits.
Sipping Veuve and giggling with Maddie while Hugh & Harvey share a whiskey; guzzling a Miller High Life at Chase’s while some Rangers game roars in the back; savoring a glass of red on Claire’s gorgeous white sofa (and trying not to spill); cheersing a 312 with my Harvey on an Ikea sectional: these are my favorite bars.
PEOPLE YOU SEE AT DUFFY’s
Visualized with the uncanny help of ChatGPT
Someone who graduated in 1982
That kid who copied your Econ 101 lab homework
The frat boy your roommate hooked up with Friend of a friend of a friend you feel obligated to say hi to
Someone rooting for the other team who thinks they’re so quirky at a Michigan bar
DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT COFFEE - YOU TOO WILL BE OLD AND WEAK ONE DAY.
Aster Hall Big Shoulders Coffee Blue Bottle Bombastic Cafe *
Deko Caffe Umbria
Chiqueolatte Collectivo *
Dayglow Gallery Cafe
Gaslight Good Ambler * Ground Up Groundswell
Heritage Outpost Hexe Coffee
Intelligentsia Ludlow Charlington
Neccessary & Sufficient
New Wave
Oromo Cafe
Osmium
Pedestrian *
Ralph Lauren Ritual Coffeehouse
Sawada Coffee * Two Hearted Queen Wormhole Coffee *
Corgi stamp of approval *
Left Big skeleton friend at Bombastic Cafe on Southport
Right Evolution of me trying to learn latte art
SEASONS OF CHICAGO
N
othing beats summer in Chicago.”
“The winters must be horrible.” How about you grow up!
I f you get over the comfort of your immediate crossroads, you’ll open up a never ending city. Your favorite spot could be something you haven’t discovered yet, but it will never exist until you go and look for it.
Want to find your own places? Here’s how I do it:
If you can do IT anywhere, TRY it in a different neighborhood.
Let’s say I want to go see Dune: Part Two. The AMC is right by my apartment, but there’s probably something better. After googling showtimes, there are 10+ places to choose from. I’ve never been to Logan Square, and The Logan Theatre has a showing at 8pm. Now I know I can turn to the trusty internet again and forage for a restaurant. Longman & Eagle’s looks fabulous, and it’s a 4 minute walk from the theater. Boom. Dinner & a movie.
USE social media intentionally
It’d be a bold faced lie if I said a chunk of my recommendations didn’t stem from Instagram reels. When it comes to using social media, I’ve found that specificity yields the best results.
Example: I’m craving a salty martini and want to wear my cute new dress. I’ll search for “Chicago dirty martini” and scroll through the first few reels. Then I see something about the martinis at St. Clair Supper Club. The reel shows that it’s a quaint, intimate spot that would be perfect for a cocktail (or two or three). Sold!
Open a map & start walking
Not everything needs to be an elaborate, three destination outing. Sometimes finding a patch of greenery or a new street to walk down is all you need.
Pretend I want to read outside but my apartment doesn’t have a balcony. I open Apple Maps and see there’s a park oh wait that’s a cemetery never mind. I keep looking and see that there’s a huge park a little north of me. It’s only a mile away so I put on my On’s, press play on my Big Picture podcast, and get going.
BEST SPOTS TO READ
Harry Styles concert because you’re not like other girls Open Books (specifically the Logan Square one) Along the water (lake or river, pick your poison)
Small parks tucked in the pockets of residential million dollar homes Blue Line to O’Hare when you don’t need to worry about missing your stop because the train ends
WORST SPOTS TO READ
BBQ restaurant that ran out of wet wipes Starbucks Reserve on a weekend (or any day, really) Montrose Beach when it’s windy and sand keeps flying in your mouth Oz Park during a thunderstorm Red Line when you’re eyeballing everyone to make sure they don’t shank you or poke an eye out
GROWING UP IN CHICAGOLAND
Interview with Claire Lozier (aka clairedabearrawr)
Your favorite nail color is Lincoln Park After Dark. I’m curious, what do you think the real neighborhood Lincoln Park is like after dark?
HAHAHA. I’m just gonna list bars. Halligan’s… Actually yeah just say Halligan’s. Maybe Parlay. No, don’t say parlay. Halligan’s and Burwood Tap.*
* Claire reached out 12 hours after our interview to clarify: “...I’m not saying they’re fun”
Close your eyes. You’re boogieing and drinking a tequila soda. You’re having the best time. What bar are you thinking of?
Texan Taco Bar.
I knew you were going to say that. What’s so alluring about it to you?
The upstairs. Because you’re not expecting it. Plus [Texan Taco Bar] is always a reliable ratio.
What’s your ideal ratio?
60% men 40% women.
I know you grew up in the suburbs and then moved downtown after college. What has been the biggest difference between being a kid in the burbs and an adult in the city?
The Metra turned into the L; that’s probably the biggest difference. And the different neighborhoods just came to life.
What neighborhoods did you talk about most in high school?
I think Oak Street beach and North Ave were the spots in high school. So I guess Gold Coast was what everyone knew. It has the restaurants you go to growing up, and then the beach.
Which beach did you like more?
North Ave was like the party beach but Oak Street was where you went to with the girlies.
Speaking of girls, when people talk about hot girl walks, you are the girl in question. What are some of your favorite streets to walk down?
Definitely Randolph. Or I gotta go with our reliable Chicago. Or Armitage. If I’m in Lincoln Park, then I’m strutting down Armitage.
Almost done with questions, I know you’re
quite the Yogi bear, what is your opinion on men in yoga classes?
I’m in full support of it as long as they acknowledge their preconceptions of it being easy.
Do you think men go to hit on women?
I think they might go to see women and get a good workout in… But oh my god it’s making me think of those boys at John Hancock.
That was my next question.
You led me right into that.
It’s too good not to. Last question. You can only recommend one place in Chicago. Where are you going?
Saucy Porka. They have spots in Hyde Park or South Loop. Get the Curry Chicken Bánh Mì.
I’d be remiss not to highlight my favorite haven in the city: Music Box Theatre.
Music Box opened forever ago (1929) and has since served as a place for cinema to live and thrive in Chicago. With its neon marquee luring cinephiles throughout the city, lines constantly wrap around the block.
Each movie starts with an organist waltzing to the front of the curtain, playing a joyous tune while the spotlight shines on him.
For the next few hours, you will be transported. Twinkling lights line the ceiling, making the theatre feel like another world. Although your butt will be numb from the most uncomfortable seats in the world, it will all be worth it. Make it a priority to see a movie here.
Favorite Music Box Memory:
I saw a midnight screening of ‘The Room’ with the one and only Tommy Wiseau in attendance for a Q&A. He’s just as weird in person.
THE BEST SPOTS TO SEE A LIVE SHOW
(ranked) Salt Shed Wrigley Field Lincoln Hall Chicago Theatre Northerly Island Aragon Ballroom Riviera Theatre Grant Park Radius United Center Riis Park Allstate Arena Rosemont Theatre
Harvey always jests that I have no sense of danger because I actually
find most things terrifying. My fear barometer is set to I’m nervous by default, which makes every day life a constant blanket of anxiety.
I get nerves from my mom’s side. We’re worrywarts. Worrying about family, friends, coworkers, strangers, the dogs walking on hot concrete without any little booties. The root of this worry isn’t fear, it’s care. We care so deeply about everything around us that it often manifests to paralysis.
When I moved to Chicago, I tried to let myself be absolutely terrified yet still do things in spite of it. I’d often ask myself “what would I do if I wasn’t afraid.” Last year, the answer to that was comedy writing classes.
F or eight weeks, I spent my Tuesday nights at the world famous Second
City. Hallways were plastered with vibrant quotes and murals of every comedian you have laughed at since you were old enough to stay awake and watch Saturday Night Live.
My palms were perspiring before I went through the revolving doors. It’s one thing to think you’re funny when you’re cracking jokes with your friends and get a good roar. It’s another to actively try to be funny with complete strangers who all think they’re the class clown.
I arrived 35 minutes early to scope out the entire space, peering into classrooms of other students standing in circles, gesticulating absurd jokes, and smiling ear to ear. The straps on my backpack dug into my shoulder, and I instantly felt like a kindergartener. If I peed my pants when I was 5 and scared it would probably be cute. Here, my best bet was it might be funny.
Class was finally starting, and I sat face to face with 11 other strangers, wondering if too were just as scared as
I was. We went around the room introducing ourselves: name, any previous experience, and what we wanted to get out of the class. To my delight, I realized that we all had parity. Everyone was a normal person working a 9-5 job that felt like something was missing in their lives; we wanted some creative expression that let us laugh and forget about everything else happening.
The biggest shock came to me when I realized that “Writing 1” was only
60% writing, and the other 40% was acting out your fellow classmates' sketches. In case it wasn’t scary enough to put thoughts to paper in an attempt to make people laugh and think you’re witty and funny and also beautiful and perfect, but people had to act it out. A bit you stayed up until 3am might only be a little funny once someone is reading it in an accent you clearly did not put in the script.
For the next weeks, we all started opening up more. Staying late after class reveling in the jokes that hit, giving suggestions for how to punch up dialogue, and just letting people know that you see and hear them.
Eventually, the class got to other people and dwindled down to 7, me being the only girl remaining. Total boys club. I didn’t let that stop me.
Getting home at 11pm every week, I should’ve been tired; instead, the sheer adrenaline kept me buzzing for hours.
While I’m not ready to quit my day job (yet), taking classes at Second City was the spark I needed. It was simultaneously the most terrifying yet electrifying thing I’ve done. It’s something I never would have done if I let fear of not being funny or being vulnerable to strangers paralyze me.
Every pinnacle I’ve reached in life has stemmed from a singular
moment of pure terror. Feeling every ounce of fear course through my veins, breathing hitch, mouth drying, sudden hyper awareness of my hands and not knowing what to do with them. My mantra of the city (and life) has been to be scared, and do things anyways.
Ask yourself what you would do if you weren’t afraid, then do it.
Dive bars, biking, and Dave Matthews
Interview with Chase Goldman
You are someone who grew up in New York, spent a summer interning there, and still have most of your family in New York. What the fuck are you doing here?
It’s the only place I got a job. Well actually that’s a lie, I got a job in New York. I lived in New York for the summer and I didn’t like it that much by the end. So I figured I probably wouldn’t like it that much if I stayed indefinitely.
So you wanted to leave, but did you always think you would come to Chicago?
No, I never thought that I would come here. I probably thought I was going back to New York. But I think I’m glad that I came here.
Why?
It’s better than New York in most aspects of life. There is something special about New York that this city certainly doesn’t have. But like we are walking down a completely empty street which you would never, ever find in New York. Right?
Is that a good thing?
I don’t know. It’s a thing. But I think Chicago in all other aspects of your life is better. It’s more accessible, it's more reasonable, it's more livable. It’s more fun; there’s a beach. I was at the beach today for a couple hours.
I would say my favorite and least favorite thing about you is how good you are at
finding the more grimy, disgusting bars.
Thank you.
You’re welcome. Give me your ranking of the best dive bars in Chicago.
Without a doubt, the most disgusting bar I’ve ever been to in my life is the L&L Tavern.
I knew you were going to say that.
This place is absolutely BUSTED. It’s probably not that safe. When I first got here, one of my favorite dive bars ever was Shakers on Clark. Which I think strikes a nice balance of - it’s clearly a shit hole but at least you’re not gonna get asbestos when you walk in there which I think is nice. Plus they have free popcorn and pool.
And Karaoke.
I honestly hate karaoke so much. I
never ever want to be the show and sometimes all of a sudden everyone needs to sing karaoke for some reason. I’m not that happy about it.
I feel like those are bars you’ve just stumbled into, do you have a way of finding them?
Eater. I mostly browse on Eater for bars. I’ve never ever been led wrong by Eater. Their restaurants are always way better than any of the other recommended things. Another great bar is Vaughan's. Matilda. Incredible bars. Sheffield's! One of the best bars in all of Chicago in my opinion. For the best summer bar.
I also love a rare gem - Rossi’s in River North. In a scene of miserable places stands a dive bar that’s cash only. And you have to fetch your own beer from a vending machine and they scream at you if you open it before they open it
for you. I think that’s one of the best bars in Chicago. Open until 4am and then it reopens at 7am.
For the market!
Oh one other place I haven’t been to but I’m dying to go to - Ceres?
Of course. You go for $3 which is silly because they should know their clients a little bit better. But for $3 they’ll fill up your glass with vodka. I can’t think of a better way to end a tough day.
I feel like you’ve listed like 5 or 6 bars, can you confidently say that they are respectable to women?
No, probably not. If I was a woman I wouldn’t go to any of these places! Don’t go here if you’re a woman! If you’re [reading] this, don’t go. I mean L&L is famous because of Jeffrey Dahmer; it’s where he used to drink. So, if I was a woman, no I probably wouldn’t go there for sure. I mean you’re welcome to go to Shakers. It's pretty safe in there.
Do you go to a lot of places as a woman?
I probably wouldn’t go to a dive bar alone.
How about this, you get on a plane: I’m sorry, is this your interview?
Yeah, I’m gonna flip the script. You get on a plane and the cockpit door is open and the pilot is a woman. Are you happy or sad? This is off the record. [redacted]
Enough with that. Talk to me about biking in the city.
Obviously the lake path is the place where everyone goes to bike. If you catch it at a busy hour then it’s absolutely fucking miserable. There’s people who are really stupid. I have a habit of getting extremely close to someone who is walking in the bike lane and passing them at 25 mph to scare them shitless
On purpose?
Yes because it’s obnoxious.
Would you say you feel superior to people on Divvy bikes?
Yes. Absolutely. I feel superior to almost everyone on a bike. I have a rule when I go biking on the lake path that I’m not allowed to get passed by anyone unless they’re riding an electric bike. And I’ve only lost twice which I think is pretty good.
I’d be remiss not to talk about Dave Matthews Band in this interview.
Oh of course. I was going to ask what your version of the Dave Matthews Band
poop story was.
What I imagine happened - which is of course not a good thing - is some bus driver was just driving and probably got above a bridge and was like ‘oh it’d be convenient if we could just get rid of everyone’s shit right now.’ I think he’s the perfect human being -
Who’s he?
Dave. He’s the most environmentally friendly of all the acts that do this. For some reason he is like the most perfect person ever and he’s got this reputation of a crowd, which is rightfully earned, because when they came up in the 90’s it was exclusively frat boys listening to them. They never really lost that reputation. The crowd today is exclusively fat white people with tattoos smoking cigarettes.
Is that how you identify? Haha, not at this current stage of my life. But it’s certainly possible that I end up there. There’s nothing better.
Finding an Apartment WITH THE BOOTY CALL BROKER
For legal purposes this is a fictional story and did not happen to Harvey and I for real. Amy is totally not a real Chicago broker.
I should have known better than to trust a grown woman calling my
boyfriend at 10pm on a Tuesday.
It started as a simple inquiry; something casual yet professional. We found Amy’s name and contact
information on a listing we were swooning over. The apartment had everything and more: three bedrooms, two bathrooms, space for Harvey’s putting green, a gorgeous open kitchen, proximity to the Brown Line, a balcony to drink my morning coffee
on, and a reasonable price tag. It was too good to be true.
We quickly learned that this was a honeypot, a faux apartment listing meant to generate leads. But in the moment, this was our dream apartment and Amy was our dream girl.
F or the first few days, all communication was between
Harvey and Amy. She’d send subpar units, he’d politely dismiss them. He’d nudge towards Wrigleyville or Lincoln Park, she’d send places in Roscoe Village. Eventually the sporadic calls became routine, all happening towards the hours preceding bed. I started calling her the Booty Call Broker.
All was going well with Harvey as the middleman until he had a work event and put his phone on Do Not Disturb. Friday at 9pm: my phone rings. Booty Call Broker working like clockwork.
“Hello?”
“Oh my gosh, is this Courtney?” “Yes.”
“Hey girl. Oh gosh. It is so nice to finally meet you. It’s Amy.”
She spoke quickly, and her voice had a tinge of raspiness to it.
“I am just so excited to be working with you and your boyfriend and - one second sorry if it’s loud. I’m watching Schitt’s Creek. This is why I shouldn’t day drink!”
Huh?
“Oh no worries,” choosing to ignore that last part. “We’re happy to be working with you too!”
I tried not to get hung up on the logistics, but what does day drinking
have to do with watching Schitt’s Creek? And why is my broker telling me this within 30 seconds of our call?
“Girlllll, I just have to say," she drew out. “Your boyfriend really really adores you. I can tell… and his accent. Oh it is so hot. So British! You must have to fight off all the girls.”
“Aw, that’s so sweet. Yeah he’s the best and I love it too.”
“I’m not gay. Like I swear I’m not gay. But one time I met this woman with an Australian accent… I could’ve been lesbian. Something about it. Ugh. It was just so gorgeous. But like I said, I'm not gay.”
This had to be a prank. It was the only logical explanation to this entire ordeal.
I pictured it perfectly: Harvey sitting arm and arm in the back of an ivory surveillance van with Ashton Kutcher. Giggling with one another while they fed preposterous lines to the actor playing ‘Amy.’ There was no way that this was the licensed professional who was responsible for finding us a place to live.
Alas, this was not a joke. She continued rambling and repeating questions, not taking our apartment desires seriously.
“Look, I know you didn’t like the pictures of the Byron place. But I just can’t let you guys make this mistake. You not liking it is like watching you on the train tracks as a train is coming,” she urged.
“I know what you’re thinking. ‘What is this lady talking about?’ but I’ve been in the business for a looonnnngg time. I know what a gem is, and this is it.
You don’t want to live in Lincoln Park or Southport. That’s for young people.”
“I mean,” I interrupted. “We’re 23.”
“Oh, really? Harvey said you’re 26.”
“Nope, we’re both 23,” I insisted.
“Ugh - I’m getting all my notes mixed up. But anyways, you’re so young! An apartment doesn’t even matter. You won’t even remember the address in a year. It really doesn’t matter where you live. Don’t worry, we’ll still find a great place for you tomorrow.”
After a long winded 45 minutes, she gave me the rundown on the two showings scheduled for the next day. She would pick us up at 11am and drive us to the first listing on W Newport. Before I hung up, she pleaded.
“Hey you guys aren’t cheating on me right? I swear to fricking God if one more of my clients cheats on me and ghosts me I’m going to lose my mind.”
“Oh no, I promise. You’re the only broker we’re talking to,” I assured her. It was the truth, too. Up until this point she hadn’t given us any real reason to drop her.
“Good. Okay. I swear I keep losing all these people. A few weeks ago, I told a client that their budget was shit -
because it was - but that I would buy them a shot instead. You know what this little bitch does?”
“What?” I asked.
“She calls my boss. Yeah. She tries to get me fired for being nice.”
“Oh wow, how horrible,” I said.
“Yeah. Messed up. But anyways! Tomorrow will be fun! Heads up I’m totally just going to be shlumping. and you’re lucky if I even brush my hair haha,” she chortled.
“Haha…. okay… see you then,” I said and finally hung up.
I have a terrible poker face. Especially in situations that I find uncomfortable, my mouth noticeably clenches and eyebrows furrow.
After we woke up to an Amy text sent at 2:36 am saying she could no longer pick us up, we decided to check out the places early so I could get my reaction out of the way. 30 minutes up the Brown line and 7 minutes off the Southport stop, we arrived at our first listing. The building made my old college house off Oakland look like a Burns Park mansion.
There was a trail of broken glass, all leading towards the 3-story brick complex. Looking up, there was a single outdoor area shared between two units. By no means was it big enough for a pong table, but that didn’t stop the ambitious tenants. Large chunks of paint peeled off the balcony walls and Christmas lights wrapped around the rusted poles.
This was the “Gorgeous balcony, Wrigley Field 2-bed ” we were here to see. The answer was already no.
11am passed with no sign of Amy. 11:05. 11:10. At 11:17, Harvey’s phone rang.
“Hey Harvey, oh my gosh, I’m literally never late. I swear. I hate people that are late,” Amy defended. “There is just so much traffic I was not expecting. I I promise I’ll be there soon.”
“No worries, we’re here already.” “Welllllll? What do we think? Isn’t it fabulous? I have a really good feeling about this one you guys.”
“I mean, we haven’t seen the inside so it’s hard to tell but it’s interesting.”
Finally, a [I asked Harvey if he remembered what kind of car Amy had (theoretically, because remember this story is fictional) and he just said ‘a shitbox’ so imagine what you will] rolled down the street and parked across from us. Out stumbled Amy. She may have been late but at least she kept to her word; her jet black hair was an unbrushed, disheveled mess.
Her flip flops clacked across the road as she walked toward us. Seeing her up close in the flesh, she had a thick layer of makeup that was already starting to melt. Her nose was prominently contoured, highlighter glimmering off the tip. There’s no doubt she thrived during the 2016 makeup era of darkly carved eyebrows and smokey eyes. But it was July in Chicago, and I was getting sweaty looking at her.
She flashed a wide, wine-stained smile.
“Hey guys, seriously so sorry, I’ve never been late before. Ever.”
She went to the front door and was immediately stunned with the touchscreen keypad. I’ve never seen a
caveman try to make a Tik Tok, but I imagine it’s similar. Amy flipped between emails trying to find the code before turning around and thrusting her phone at Harvey. Within 10 seconds, Harvey got us in. We let Amy lead the way and followed her up three flights of narrow stairs.
“Geez this would be real fun to move into,” Amy yelled over her shoulder.
We walked in the unit and were immediately blinded by brick. Not in an endearing Brooklyn brownstone
miraculously made it up the stairs, it would never fit in this floor plan.
“Now I know this isn’t the perfect apartment, but remember it’s just a place to lay your head at night.”
How homey does that sound?
“Well,” Harvey chimed in. “Like I said, Courtney actually works from home and would be spending most of her time here. I just don’t want her to be crammed in all day.”
“Yeah but it’s really just a place to lay
“But I get it. I can tell you guys don’t really like it. Ugh! I really wanted this
“It’s okay,” I said. “We’ve still got one
Above Street view of the “Gorgeous balcony, Wrigley Field 2-bed” wanted us to live in
We should’ve said goodbye at this point. Instead, we’re crawling in
Amy’s dented car to go to the next place. The car had no AC, miscellaneous papers spread all over the place, and a single sock in the backseat. I stared at the side of Harvey’s head, sending any telepathic signal to please turn around and look at me so I can gesture towards the sock because I don’t know whether to laugh or be scared. With a roar and cough of the engine, we drove off.
Amy should’ve had her license revoked immediately. It didn’t help that the streets were swarming with drunkards in bright crimson t-shirts and black stick-on mustaches for the Wrigleyville Mustache Bar Crawl. Oblivious to the simple instructions barking from Siri, Amy missed several turns. She took no responsibility. She cursed at the phone. Swore it was telling her the wrong thing all while she swerved innocent partygoers crossing Clark Street.
We finally arrived at the second listing. It’s at this moment I’m remembering the wise street smarts of John Mulaney: “if you are taken to a secondary location, your odds of coming back alive are slim to none.”
Anxiety flushed through my body. What if this was the plan all along? She found out we had great credit scores and the tours were just a cover to get us alone in a crackhouse.
She made her way to the door and, again, struggled to get into the building. Her hands shook uncontrollably, unable to fit the key in properly. Maybe she was nervous to murder us? Or maybe this was the time of day she usually started to day drink for Schitt’s Creek?
We begrudgingly stepped in the lobby. The black and white checkered tiles lining the floor were broken almost everywhere; tiles caving in at the corners. Letters and packages littered the floor, waiting to be stolen. We followed Amy up the grim, winding staircase.
She cracked the unit’s door open 6 inches before shutting it abruptly.
“You’re gonna hate this,” she warned.
I n retrospect, I love the honesty. In the moment, I want trickery.
Embellish. Lie to me. The Girl Scouts pawning off Thin Mints outside of Jewel Osco could’ve done a better job selling an apartment.
We swung the door open to mayhem. Not a crackhouse, just a boys house. Busch light cans, red solo cups, and water gallons scattered the living room table. A makeshift dart board hung over the flat screen TV. A large bong as the coffee table centerpiece, sitting next to a can of Lysol wipes. Duality of man.
It was clear that people very much still lived here, and we already overstayed our welcome. I put my horse blinders on. I stared at the ground, then the AC unit jutting out of the window, then the grinder spilling crumbs all over the couch; anywhere but Harvey because I knew the minute I looked at him I would not keep it together.
Oblivious, Amy began her due diligence. She waltzed into the kitchen. Checked out the stove. Examined cabinet sizes. Looked for a washer and dryer.
blocked. She put her shoulder into it, not letting whatever was in it stand in her way. Something, or someone, was inside and did not want Amy entering.
All of a sudden a black shadow peeled out, charging right through the living room. A fucking dog. A fast dog, to be exact, and it was making a beeline for the front door that Amy had left open. “THE DOOR!” I yelled.
“Oh, look, this is the master bedroom,” Amy continued with her tour. I lunged for the black lab and held it between my thighs, shepherding it back into the room, praying there wasn’t some naked college boy hiding in there.
“Okay I think we’ve seen enough,” Harvey finally chimed in, but Amy wasn’t done yet. She made her way out to the firescape, cracking open the door.
“DOES THIS UNIT HAVE A BALCONY?” She yelled down to the innocent tenant taking his trash out.
She tried opening the door off the living room, but it was immediately
His response was muffled, as Harvey and I were already halfway out the door. Amy eventually trailed, now desperately trying to make things right.
“Look, I know you guys probably hated it. But I promise I’m gonna do better,” she begged. “Now that I’ve met you two and know exactly what you’re looking for, we’re gonna find the one for you guys next time. Don’t worry.”
We weren’t worried; we knew there wouldn’t be a next time.
Are we still doing this together?” Amy asked.
Crickets.
I waited for Harvey to say something, and he waited for me. I fought off an awkward laugh and avoided eye contact. Amy finally broke the silence by wagging her finger right at Harvey.
“I know you’re not feeling this anymore,” she accused.
“I mean, honestly, you’re right.”
thing,” Harvey lied.
“Wednesday?”
“Ahh also not sure about that.” “Thursday?”
“You know,” Harvey butted in. “How about we just check our schedules and get back to you.”
“Perfect. But we’re still in this together, right? You’re still with me?
If you guys cheat on me and get another broker I’ll be, like, so fricking pissed.”
“Yeah. We’re still good,” Harvey said. “But, uh, thank you so much for taking us around. It was nice to meet you. I think we’re just going to walk around here, get some lunch, um, maybe see if there are any other
streets we like. And we’ll let you
“Okay. I can find you guys a place, trust me. While you’re walking around try to write down streets you like and find For Rent signs and send
Isn’t that her job?
Moving in with a partner and finding an apartment you both agree on is exciting yet hard. But if there was one thing Harvey and I were on the same page with, it was that Amy would have no say in finding us a place.
We dodged bar crawlers and made our way back towards Southport for a bite to eat. Before we could even start talking about the absurdity of what just happened, Harvey’s phone rang. It was Amy.
“I’m not answering it,” he quickly said.
“Good.”
She called again. He declined again.
Finally, I felt my own back pocket start buzzing. I let it ring before sending it to voicemail. Within minutes, both our phones buzzed with a group text message from Amy.
“Hi guys. Please don’t take today as a sign that I’m not able to get this done for you. You have my word I will not let you down again. I hope you give me another opportunity to prove it. I’d really appreciate a second chance. I know exactly what you need now and I’ll find it. :) we’ve already invested time together and I hate that I didn’t succeed on the first try. If it happens again I’ll quit real estate. Lol what do you say?”
“She’ll quit real estate? Is that a promise?” I said. “But I honestly feel bad. We can’t completely ghost her but we need to, like, break up with her somehow.”
“I know but I’m not dealing with this right now,” Harvey said. “Let’s just eat for an hour or so and then I can text her back afterwards.”
After quickly finding a neon, vibrant Mexican restaurant and ordering margaritas immediately, we rehashed the events.
“Oh my god and the fucking dog?”
“I knew that was when it was over. You sounded so angry, ‘THE DOOR’” Harvey mimicked my yell.
“And the awkward silence when she asked if we were still rocking with her?”
“I was waiting for you to say something.”
“I was waiting for YOU ha.”
In a way, Amy really did help us find an apartment; she gave us buoyancy.
We spent the rest of the afternoon reenacting and giggling about how we would tell our friends and family this story. We felt nothing completely ill towards her.
Before Harvey could craft a message back, Amy had already replied within the 90 minutes we remained silent.
“Ok. Message received. Best of luck.”
We never heard from Amy again.
Afew weeks later, we eventually did find an apartment that lights both of us up. No broken glass out front, no drugs in the carpet, and no dogs waiting to escape. While it’s disheartening to pack it all up and restart the search in New York, I know that we’ll be able to handle anything.
Besides, we learned our lesson.
Never trust a broker with booty call operating hours.
saying goodbye to chicago
Interview with Harvey Reeves
Do you still like me?
Yes.
Cool. Now onto the real interview. You grew up coming to Chicago on family vacations when you were younger. What were your go-to Chicago experiences?
Mag mile. We pretty much just stayed on Mag Mile. Sometimes Navy Pier if it was warm enough.
I’m thinking of that one picture of you in the Apple store with Justin Bieber hair. Do I have your permission to use and print that picture?
I guess? Yeah sure.
How has that experience of going to Mag Mile and Navy Pier evolved since living here?
It’s so funny because that’s the part of Chicago I try to avoid the hardest. When I first moved here, my bearingsdon’t quote that directly, make me sound better - were all around Mag Mile. Now it’s like, that is probably the worst part of Chicago. A lot of Chicago is a lot nicer out of that area but you never get to it as a tourist. You only get to it once you live here.
More on the less touristy parts of Chicago. You have a unique perspective as someone who has lived in the Loop, River North, and now Wrigleyville. What is your advice to people trying to find a neighborhood that’s right for them?
It’s something you learn as you experience the city. Don’t just go off recommendations from other people. Like if I listened to people at work, I would’ve ended up in the Loop. But Wrigleyville is so much fun. Lincoln Park is so fun. If you have time to look at places, go to lunch there. Take a day to explore.
Then just hit up Zillow and get good. Learn how to sniff out the bullshit and go from there.
I love your curiosity and inquisitive nature, often demonstrated by the many YouTube video essays playing on our TV. What has been your favorite Chicago lore or fact you’ve learned?
There’s so many I can name here. So when you look out at the lake, all of Chicago’s drinking water comes from Lake Michigan. When you look out at the lake there’s these little buoys - you know what I mean? But they’re these massive fucking concrete complexes that pump the water. They have to go far enough out so they don’t suffer from too much pollution. Then they get pumped from the lake and into the city, processed at the water plant next to Navy Pier.
The reason that’s interesting to me is because at work there’s these windows that look east over the lake and you can see them. You can look out there on a Friday and see all these boats out there.
I think most of them or at least a couple of them are abandoned. That’s a pretty cool one. But there’s still some in use.
And that’s why in early or late spring and sometimes throughout the summer, the toilet water, the tap water, and all the water in your apartment smells like… almost kind of like… funky. Like algae. Because that’s what it is. Algae blooms in the lake that gets sucked in. It’s totally safe because Chicago has very clean drinking water. But that’s the cause. I still filter the water just to be safe. But that was pretty cool to learn why it smells dank.
Or that Wolf Point was the location of the first tavern in Chicago. That’s pretty cool.
Did you make that up?
No. Wolf Point Tavern is the name of it. And that’s why there’s a distillery named after it. Yeah no, I always thought that was pretty cool. I have more facts if you need it.
I believe you. Now give me a fake Chicago fact that I can sneak into this zine and see how many people we trick.
It’s called the Brown Line because people used to shit on the tracks.
Tell me about the restaurants. How’s the food scene in Chicago?
It’s pretty good. It depends what part of the city you’re in for sure. I often compare it with New York. In the sense that the highs are higher in New York in terms of restaurant quality, but the average in Chicago is a lot higher. Like just the random shit shop you go to in Chicago would be a lot better than the average random shit shop in New York and I think that’s pretty cool.
You brought up New York, not me. So we’re moving there. What will you miss the most about Chicago? It doesn’t have to be food related.
I don’t think that’s a question I can answer until I live in New York. I guess I can try.
Probably the space. It’s so much less dense than New York and that’s the one thing. I don’t know. I feel like now I get some space from work. It is kind of a commute, but it’s nice knowing I come back to Southport and it’s a different neighborhood.
“I don’t like Italian beefs. I think they’re overrated and soggy. Can’t stand a soggy sandwich. AND Chicago style pizza, like a very deep dish, sucks.”
I’m gonna miss the lake. The lake is a cool feature. I’m gonna miss above ground trains.
Speaking of other modes of transportation. You’re a Thanksgiving morning Turkey Trot kind of guy. What is your favorite running route in Chicago?
There’s two I would say. Okay it’s hard to say because if you want like general Chicago, obviously the Lake Shore. It’s nice. But when I lived at Wolf Point it was nice to just go downstairs, go down the river, rip that to Navy Pier. I think that would be like 3 ½ miles. But here, what I do is I take Grace down to Southport. There’s a little turn onto Grace again. Then you take Grace all the way down past like Halsted and you can still hit the lakeshore. I wouldn’t say it’s a great route but I’ve run it so many times I know where the mile mark is. I know when to turn around.
What makes a good running route in a city? I know you hate people.
Yeah. Not a lot of people. I guess that crosses the riverwalk out then. Too many people on there. They piss me off.
Let’s say it’s 2027. We come back to Chicago for the weekend. What’s on the itinerary of things you’ll want to return to and reminisce?
Southport. Probably just to see how it is. Like it has constantly changed now that we’ve lived here. I’m curious what it will look like in a couple years. I don’t want to go back to the Loop. I hate the Loop, it s depressing.
What is your one recommendation, Harvey certified spot?
Armitage Alehouse
That was mine too. I like that place.
It’s so fucking good. British Indian food that’s done well and tastes good. Like you get a lot of British Indian spots where it’s a little suspect. But [Armitage Alehouse] is quality cuisine and dining. In terms of authenticity, who s to say? But it tastes damn good.
2013 Harvey in Chicago
For an extended period of my life, I made montage videos.
They served as a time capsule to reflect on my friend’s euphoric smiles, rambunctious dance moves, and downright tomfoolery.
This little booklet is meant to replace that medium but maintain the sentiment. With that being said, of course a video to commemorate Chicago crossed my mind for the better half of 2024.
Here are the songs in competition for a video that will never exist:
Those who make leaving Chicago hard…
Claire - for being the best roommate, yoga buddy, and friend. To know you is to love you.
Maddie - for being the easiest person to yap and giggle with. I’m so excited to be friends forever.
Chase - for being a little magnet; always attracting strangers and stories. I cannot wait to start a business and make $100M.
Hugh - for having contagious laughter and never saying no to a good meal. I’m so glad you and Harvey were roommates.
Abdel - for all the drives down to the city and slumber parties on the couch. You make every night out better.
Those who visited and made playing tourist fun…
Audrey, Ava, Carlo, Faith, Hannah, Hayden, Lisa, Madeleine, Madre, Meghan, MJ, Mya, Nick, Pablo, Rithik
The other half of me...
Harvey - you are my favorite person in the entire world. I cannot wait to be little NYC rats together. I love you endlessly.
COURTNEY FORTIN 2024
All rights to the images, graphics, and other materials used belong to their respective owners. I do not claim ownership over any third-party content used.
ALL FUN AND GAMES WHEN YOU LIVE IN CHICAGO
ACROSS
Boney girl at Field
Icy tequila rings the ell
Former meme-mayor
1 2 Chicago handsha e Chicago’s first official dog ar
DOWN
If it’s not a sandy each, then it’s this
1 2 Chicago handsha e
Beary cute mascot
Criminal condiment
Po ular roc and from Chicago
Hole lot of love for this cement animal
Bean(s), ean(s), the magical fruit
Chicago grocery store, also a va e
q in·tes·sen·tial /ˌkwin(t)əˈ en(t)SH(ə)l/ adj ctiv repre enting the mo t perfect or typical example of a ality or cla "Chicago wa the inte ential city — vivacio , walkable, and goofy"