Being Your Own Best Ally

BeingYour OwnBestAlly

produced with Courageous Parents Network by Kendra Wilde, Founder, Wild Peace for Parents

AboutThisMagazine

It’seasytoviewself-careasalowprioritywhenyourchildisdiagnosed withaseriousillness.Yourroleasaparentandparentingpartnerhas unexpectedlychanged.

Yourchildhasurgentandcomplexmedicalneeds;youmustmanage appointmentsandserviceproviders,andlearnnewinformationabout diseaseandmedicaltreatment allwhiletendingtotheneedsofother familymembers,workand/orotherresponsibilities.

Makingtimeforyourselfmaybethefirstthingtogo.Butifyoudon’tsee toyourownphysicalandemotionalneeds,itwillbecomemuchmore difficulttomanageallofyourresponsibilities.

Withinthesepages,youwillfindinformationonwhyself-careis importantandhowevensmallmicro-actionscountasself-careandwill helpyoutobuildatoolkittobettermanagestress.

Forsomanyparentsandcaregiverscaringforchildrenlivingwithillnessand medicalcomplexity,thestressandburdenofcaregivingcanbeoverwhelming.

Practicingself-compassioncanhelpusshiftoutofsurvivalmode,allowingusto betterdealwithchallengesandgrowouremotionalresilience.Self-compassionis abouttreatingourselveswiththesamekindnessandunderstandingweofferour lovedones.Itincludesthreeelements:acknowledgingourstruggles,reassuring ourselvesthatwe’renotalone,andgivingourselvesgrace.Withpractice,selfcompassioncanenhanceourwell-beingandbolsterourcaregivingcapacity.(1)

ParentalBurnoutEquation

Livingincrisislevelandchronicstresstakesatoll.Weimaginewejustneedtoget throughthedayorreachsomeendzone.Butyoucanonlyfunctioninsurvival overdriveforsolong.

Burnouthappenswhenstressorsoutweighourcopingresources.Burnout(and otherproblems)sneakupbecauseoftenwedon’tevenrealizewe’reactivatedand imbalanced.Weneedenoughcopingresourcestocounterthestressors.

“SOS”-SurvivalOverdriveSyndrome

Thiscanbeacatch-alltermforallkindsofseriousproblems.

Ifyouwanttobethebestparent,caregiver,andadvocateyoucanbe,youcan’tbe fallingapartyourself.

ParentalBurnout(2)isaspecificconditionresultingfromenduringexposureto chronicparentingstress.Itischaracterizedby:

overwhelmingexhaustion emotionaldistancingfromone’schildren asenseofparentalineffectiveness don’trecognizeyourself

WindowofTolerance

“WindowofTolerance”isatermcoinedbyDr.DanSiegelnowcommonlyusedto describenormalbrain/bodyreactionstoadversityandtrauma.It’sourcapacityto functionineverydaylife-wellenough.

Inouroptimalzone-ourwindow-wecanregulateouremotions.Weareableto learneffectively,play,andrelatewelltoourselvesandothers.Theremightbe stress,butitfeelsmanageable.Thisistheidealplacetobe.

Whenstressandtraumashrinkyourwindowof tolerance,itdoesn’ttakemuchtothrowyouoff balanceandshiftyouintotheRedortheBlue territory.

Hyperarousal(Red)

Youmayfeelanxious,angry,outofcontrol, overwhelmed,panicked,fearful,hypervigilant, and/ortightmuscles.Yourbodywantstofightor runaway(akaFightorFlightresponse).Youfeel stuckinoverdrive.

Hypoarousal(Blue)

Hereyoumayfeelspacey,zonedout,numb,frozen,depressed,emptiness,and/or dissociation.Thisisalsoknownasshut-downorcollapseresponse.Yournervous systemisoverloaded.

WidenYourWindowofTolerance

Whenwewidenourwindow,wecanmorecomfortablyhandlehighdegreesof emotionalintensityandabroadrangeofemotions.Wearebetterabletomakethe nextrightchoices,toaccessourhigherbrain,tobeourbestselves.

Themorecopingresourceswehave,themoreablewearetoshowupsturdyforour kids.

Self-Compassion

Weareconditionedtobelievethatbeinghardon ourselveshelpsusrisetotheoccasion.Butit hastheoppositeeffect:itactivatesthestress response.Self-compassionempowersustobe thecaregiversandparentswewanttobeandis oneofthemostpowerfulthingswecanuseto helpourselvescope.

Stronglyrelatedtomentalhealth

Supportsemotionalbalance

Protectsfromburnoutandcompassionfatigue

Increasessatisfactionwithcaregiving

Makespainfulanddifficultcircumstancesmorebearable

Helpsusforgiveourselves

Enhancessenseofconnection

Boostsresilienceforfuturechallenges

ThreeElementsofSelf-Compassion

Self-compassioninvolvesbeingwarmandunderstandingtowardourselveswhen wesuffer,fail,orfeelinadequate,ratherthanignoringourpainorcuttingon ourselves.

Self-Kindness.Givingyourselfthesamewarmth,support,understanding, kindness,andcareyou’dgiveadearfriendwhowasinpain.

CommonHumanity.Wetendtothink“it’sjustme”whenweallexperience challengesandtimesofsuffering.Butthisispartofbeinghumanandthat’s whatconnectsustoothers.Thisisaboutfeelingasenseofcommunityandnot isolationduringtimesofpain.

Mindfulness.Thisisaboutbecomingawareofourexperience.Neffsaysit’s aboutbeingabletoturntowardyourpain,atleastalittlebit,tostarttogive yourselfcompassion.It’saboutsteppingbacktonoticewhatyourthoughts, feelings,andexperiencesareinthemoment,withoutjudgment.Thiscanmake iteasiertofigureoutwhatthenextbeststepis.

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Self-CompassionBreak

Thisinformalpracticecanbedoneinaboutoneminuteandcanmakeanalmost immediatedifference.Youcanintentionallycallinthethreecomponentsofselfcompassioninthesesteps:

Mindful

Recognizethatyou’restruggling.“Thisishard.”

CommonHumanity

Remindyourself,“I’mnotalone,otherpeoplefeelthisway.”

Self-Kindness

Offeryourselfkindnessandacceptance.“I’magoodparent.”

FierceSelf-Compassion

Inadditiontobeingtendertowardsourselves,wealsoneedourfierceside.Neff describesfierceself-compassionastakingactionintheworldtoreducesuffering.It includes:

Protection

Settinghealthyboundaries.Channelingyourmamaorpapabearenergy.

Providing

Thiscanmeanputtingyourownneedsovertheneedsofothersattimes.

Motivating

Thisisabouttakingactiontoalleviatesuffering;tostandup,tospeakup.

TheYinandYangofSelf-Compassion

WeneedabalanceofBOTHtenderandfiercetofeelwhole,authentic,andwell.The tenderpieceistoholdthepain,feelsafe,andacceptourselvesasweare.Thefierce pieceistheabilitytospeakup,standup,andtakeaction.

Self-CareRedefined

Ifself-compassiongivesusthatbalanceoftenderacceptanceandfierceactionit alsoopensthedoortoself-care.Whichisexactlywhatweneedtostayresourced enoughtoshowupsturdy.

Micro-actions

Tinysteps“micro-actions”mightbetheonlyself-carethatfeelsmanageableinthe currentmoment.Experimentuntilyoudevelopatoolkitthatworksforyou.The moretunedintoourselveswebecome(mindful,embodied),thebetterwegetat knowingwhatweneed.Eventually,you’llhavearangeofskillsthatkeepyouafloat. Practice,especiallywhenthestakesarelow.Andasyou’reready,makespacefor more.Researchshowstinyhabitsarethemosteffectivewaytomakechange; nothingistoosmalltostartwith.

Micro-actionIdeas

Calmoverwhelmbygroundingintoyourfeet;digyourheelsintothefloor

Helpanxietybytuningintoyoursenses(pick5thingsyousee;4soundsyoucan hear;3scentsyoucansmell;2sensationsyoufeel;1thingyoucantaste)

Settleyoursystembyrestingwithyourlegsuponthewall

Tode-stress,tryaPhysiologicSigh:inhalethroughyournose,inhaleagain(2nd time)inanotherburst,andthenreleasewithalong,extendedexhalethrough yourmouth*

*This technique was rediscovered by Jack Feldman, Ph.D. and Mark Krasnow, PhD.

HowtoMaintainMicro-actions

Pickinganddoingasinglemicro-action(3)togetstartedisgreat.Youwanttomake sureyoupicksomethingthatfeelsdoablesothatyoucanmaintainitandcontinue togrowyourskillstokeepyourwindowoftoleranceasopenaspossible.

Waystotryandmaintainmicro-actionsinclude:

Picksomethingthatresonates,thatyou’dliketodo

Attachamicro-actiontoanalreadyestablishedhabit

Makesuretogiveyourselfa“yayme”whenyoudoit

Self-compassionempowersustobetheparentsandcaregiverswewanttobe. Beingkindertoourselveshelpsusfacedifficultchallengeswithmorebalanceand opensthedoortovitalself-care.Findingsmallmicro-actionsthatfeeldoablecanbe agreatstarttodevelopingaself-carehabit.Thiswillkeepyourwindowoftolerance aswideaspossiblesothestressofcaregivingfeelsalittleeasier.

HelpfulResources

Thefollowingareresourcesthathelpyoubestyourbestally andremindyouthattakingcareofyourownphysicalandemotional needsisnotselfish.

CPNResources

TakingCareofYourselfUnit

SelfCare:AParent'sGuidetoTakingCareofYourself (aswellasYourChild)

Videosonyogaandmeditation

WildPeaceforParentsResources

Freedownloadstobolsterandinspireyou.Printthemoutand hangthemup.

Micro-actionmenu

ALittleEasierpodcast

OtherResources

(1)Self-CompassionbyKristinNeff

(2) Parental burnout: Moving the focus from children to parents byMoïra MikolajczakandIsabelleRoskam

(3) Tiny Habits: The Small Changes that Change Everything byDr.BJFogg

CPNisanonprofitorganizationthatprovidescurateddigitalresourcesandprogramming tohelpcaregiversadvocateforchildrenlivingwithseriousillnessandnavigatetheillness journey.AtthecenterofCPNareparentandclinicianvoicesthatilluminatethelived familyexperienceandfocusonpsycho-socialandemotionalneeds,regardlessof diagnosisandwithoutbias.

CPNresourcesincludevideos,podcasts,newsletters,ablog,socialmediaposts, educationalguidesandlearningpathwayswrittenforfamilies,andaclinicianportal offeringmaterialsforuseinself-andcolleagueeducation.Programsincludevirtual events,andvirtualandin-personpresentationstoclinicianaudiences,industryand patientorganizations CPNalsopartnerswithotherstobringthefamilyperspectiveto clinicalresearchandawiderangeofcommunication(ormedia)outlets.

AboutWildPeaceforParents

KendraWilde,aparentandcreatorofWildPeaceforParentsandtheALittleEasier podcast,talksaboutwhatresearchhasshownaboutthepowerofself-compassionand suggestsmallactionsyoucanincorporateintoyourday.

MoreAbout WildPeaceforParents