The Lunatic at The Lunatic Greenhorn Complete and Utter Disappointment by Joe Hardy
After standing witness to his recent failures, many seasoned journalists are saying that Junior Reporter Jason Grinder is a waste of space and oxygen. “Despite being given a handful of the best stories,” one Senior Reporter who wished to remain anonymous noted, “[Grinder]’s ruinous writing has prevented him from bringing each story up to its fullest potential.” Perhaps next time the Bureau Editor considers hiring Harvard graduates, he will evaluate their writing and not just their grades. Either that or just burn the office to the ground since that’s where atrocious writers like Grinder are bringing us. Old Fart Lashes out at New Talent Due to Feeling of Worthlessness by Jason Grinder
Senior Reporter Joe Hardy, age 48 (really, 48), has issues. Not just relationship issues, not just his deep-seated need for alcohol, and not just his uncanny obsession with golf. Hardy has an inexplicable hatred for those on their way into the journalism scene. “Ever since Hardy realized he was the oldest reporter on staff, he has been unnecessarily harsh on those around him—especially on the younger guys,” said Sports Section Editor Mike Eagle. I think I speak for everyone when I say that Hardy has become disillusioned with his position at the Lunatic. He is not as integral as he believes himself to be; in fact, if it were up to me, I would replace him with a high schooler. That way we could have at least one experienced reporter who is correctly labeled as ‘Senior.’ Grinder, signing off. That is it. by Joe Hardy
Who even writes like that? “Signing off,” what are you, an anchorman? Are you a writer or a shit-for-brains? You think you’re a big shot with your funny-tough-guy act, running your mouth like you’re untouchable. Well, I’ve got news for you, Jason: I am going to kill you. I am a predator, and you are my cute little bunny prey, whom I will toy with and then brutally devour. And let me clarify in case this isn’t clear enough for you: I am going to kill you. Not metaphorically. Literally. I will literally kill you.
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