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Campus Humor Magazine Spring 2015 - Free


Letter From the Editor... “Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.” - Martin Luther King, Jr., an American Hero It’s been a little while since that one tragedy in Paris; but still, it’s fresh in my memory as I write this now. It was such a striking event to someone like me, who believes that comedy is the greatest thing of all time (it’s the only art form that is done specifically to elicit laughter). Comedy’s sole goal is to be funny and--that’s it. But sometimes, the things surrounding it can end in catastrophe, like that one time. I believe that the Comedians that will continue to trudge on in the perilous journey that is comedy are the intellectual heroes of today. And it is no strange thing that I look up to these heroes. Probably because we all have heroes from which we take direction, real and/or super. In the “Ivy League” issue of the Lunatic, we’ll be trying to do the latter some justice--comedically, that is-and make you laugh in our own attempt to be heroic. - The Park Knight a.k.a. Peter Park P.S. A special thanks to Manuela for suggesting the “Ivy League” topic for this semester’s issue and to Laura, for the creation of Dingo Pletherman, a real Superman’s Superman.

The Staff

Editor in Chief

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Sergeant-With-Arms

Bum Joon Park ‘16

Saarang Deshpande ‘17

Dana Fader ‘17

Writers

Executive Editor Associate Editor

Grant Gonyer ‘18

Business Manager

Laura Moraff ‘18

Manuela Rios ‘17

Jared Wong ‘18

Daniel Lewis ‘15

Rajesh Bollapragada ‘18

Tammie Siew ‘15

Tessa Schneider ‘18

Art Director

Layout Editor

Thomas Pagani ‘15

Sal Elder ‘17

Zach Mandell ‘18

Webmaster (Spidey) Eric Schulman ‘17 Artists

Dinglo Pletherman ‘87

Disclaimer: Some or all of these names may pertain to imaginary/non human people. We’re not sure which ones.


Table of Contents Why Aren’t There Any Superheroes At Cornell?..............................................................................4 WARNING! Impostor!.......................................................................................................................4 Texts For Batman..............................................................................................................................5 Superheroes Are Just Like Us!..........................................................................................................5 Garbageman, a Screenplay...............................................................................................................6 Superhero Tinder..............................................................................................................................7 Paula Deen’s Recipe for a Superhero Film........................................................................................8 Sigthings of a Cornell Vigilante.........................................................................................................8 Marvel Press Release........................................................................................................................9 Ant-Man Soup...................................................................................................................................9 Absolvers Scandal Embarasses GARGELTM .....................................................................................10 SEEMEN..........................................................................................................................................11 An Interview with Captain Falcon...................................................................................................12 Stand-Up Act...................................................................................................................................12 Strings.............................................................................................................................................13 Superhero Tinder Con’t...................................................................................................................14 Local Superhero Jaden Smith Saves World from Coherence...........................................................15 Wolf of Wall Street (Revision History).............................................................................................16 Everyday Objects that Double as Superheroes...............................................................................17 The Adventures of Kathy Zoner.......................................................................................................17 At the DC Clinic...............................................................................................................................18 World War Superman.....................................................................................................................18 An AbilifyTM Advertisement............................................................................................................19 How did the Heroes We Know and Love Come to Be?...................................................................20 Justice League Reunion...................................................................................................................20 Clock Tower.....................................................................................................................................21 Dr. Doom, M.D.................................................................................................................................21 The Green Bong...............................................................................................................................21 Superhero Pantheon of Cornell.......................................................................................................22 WHIPFLASH.....................................................................................................................................22 How I Became a Superhero... (and How You Can Too!)...................................................................23 Cornell’s Newest Superhero............................................................................................................24 Bat, Man?........................................................................................................................................24 Superman and the NSA...................................................................................................................25 Rejected Articles..............................................................................................................................26 The Cornell Lunatic, Cornell University’s only humor magazine, is published a finite number of times per year by the Cornell Lunatic, Box #56, WSH, Ithaca, NY, 14853. Requests for advertising, submissions, money, fantasy football advice, fantasy croquet advice, hate mail, love mail, indifferent mail, and any other communications should be sent to the above address. Copyright © 2015 by The Cornell Lunatic, all rights reserved. This magazine is partially funded by the Student Assembly Finance Commission. Nothing in this magazine necessarily reflects any of the opinions, ideas, beliefs, hopes, dreams, or drug-induced hallucinations of the SAFC, CU, the student body, or even our staff, so please calm down. Offended readers take heed, we’re only kidding.

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Why aren’t there any...

Superheroes at Cornell? ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊ ◊

Toxic waste stockpiles frozen over Blue lights lack the privacy of phone booths Superhero organization suspended due to allegations (suspension lifted) $3 million in cuts from provost office Man of Steel not feeling so hard after prelim Pam Johnson plans to increase Batcave rent Student Activities Finance Commission dropped superhero club 2 tiers in 2014 Dangerous to fly in sub-zero wind Heroes don’t want to fight crime after leaving wines Lack of campuswide sense of community

WARNING THIS MAN IS AN IMPOSTER!

Last seen lurking outside the Pletherman residence carrying an orange sack of unidentified items. If spotted call 188-NOT-SUPER immediately. Do not accept any help from this man.

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A LUNATIC EXCLUSIVE! URGENT MESSAGES for the CAPED CRUSADER! They Take the TCAT!

They Go to Office Hours!

They Wait On Line at Chipotle!

SUPER HEROES— THEY’RE JUST LIKE US! 5


GARBAGE MAN FADE IN:

a screenplay

TITLE CARD: “Garbage Man: The Awakening” EXT. SUBURBAN CITY - ESTABLISHING – NIGHT Music begins: Eminem – “Lose Yourself” Instrumental Lyrics (overheard): His palms are sweaty. Knees weak. Garbage-heavy. There’s vomit in his garbage already. Mom’s spaghetti.

off. An enormous lens flare reveals a shimmering Hefty™ Extra Strong Multipurpose Large Trash Drawstring Bag. Hey!

GARBAGE MAN Come back here!

A shadowy figure runs off into the distance. The screen fades to black. TITLE CARD: “Two Weeks Later” EXT. BAR – CLUB SCENE – EVENING GarbageMan is seated in a bar, conversing with an awestruck young lady.

Night is falling. Sounds of rolling wheels can be heard, along with distant footsteps. A woman is seen emerging from her house, and she waves to the garbage man.

YOUNG LADY I, just… I can’t believe that my ordinary garbage man was actually GarbageMan the whole time! Go on! Continue the story!

MRS. PLETHERMAN Excuse me! Sir! Would you mind grabbing this bag for me please?

GARBAGE MAN Well, with a HEFTY swing, I knocked him out. I guess you could say I HAD IT IN THE BAG!

GARBAGE MAN Yes, of course, Mrs. Pletherman. GARBAGE MAN (VOICEOVER) Time to take out the trash. MRS. PLETHERMAN Thank you so much! TITLE CARD: “This is…” GARBAGE MAN (VOICEOVER) And she still doesn’t know my name. Nor does she know what I’ve done for this city. TITLE CARD: “THE ORIGIN OF…” GARBAGE MAN (VOICEOVER) Soon, I will assume my true identity. By day, I am a mere garbage man. But sometimes, you really gotta take out the trash.

YOUNG LADY (LAUGHING) Oh GarbageMan, you’re so funny! I’m so glad these puns aren’t going to WASTE! (Young Lady points at GarbageMan) Not funny.

GARBAGE MAN (UNAMUSED) Don’t try. You suck at this.

YOUNG LADY (CONFUSED) I…never mind, I guess… Continue. GARBAGE MAN (UNAMUSED) That was it. Now go make me a sandwich. YOUNG LADY (TAKEN ABACK) YOU CHAUVINISTIC PIECE OF TRASH!! Young Lady right side unamused. bageMan is

slaps GarbageMan across the of his face. GarbageMan looks The scene fades to black as Garseen calmly leaving the bar.

[FADE TO BLACK}:

Music begins: “GarbageMan Main Theme” (Upchuckit_Bucket.mp3)

TITLE CARD: “GarbageMan” (WASTEBASKET_ACCOMP.mp3) A rustling sound is heard in the distance. GarbageMan turns and rips his workclothes

GARBAGEMAN (VOICEOVER) But although I may be a trashy man, I’m still a garbage man, and more importantly, I am also GarbageMan. This is my story.

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Batman, 33

Hulk, 35

About Batman $$$

About Hulk HoT rAdIoLoGy ScEiNtIsT iN tHe StReEtS, LeAn GrEeN sEx MaChInE iN tHe ShEeTs lollll the other guy spit it back out but i hope you dont... 420 friendly nd dartmouth ‘01go green!! lemme smash #thisiswhywecanthavenicethings #ihavebigfeet #fuckthesetinyassphones

2 meters away

46 leaps away

Active 0 seconds ago

Shared Friends (3) Dick Grayson Alfred Pennyworth

Darkness

Shared Interests (20) Wayne Industries, Inc. Huey Lewis & the News Bats Bruce Wayne Gotham University Christopher Nola DC Comics Michael Schumaker Adam West Michael Keaton Physical Therapy Arkham Asylum Anti-NRA Alliance Boomerangs Caves Top Gear League of Shadows Harvey Dent for Mayor Gotham City Police Department Kryptonite Lego Movie

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Shared Friends (1) Tony Stark Shared Interests (8) Yoga Pants Radiologist Society of America Society of Atheists Marvel Dr. Jekyll and Hide Mark Ruffalo Cute Animals Raging Bull

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Martian Manhunter, ?

Captain America, 73

About Martian Manhunter Mars → DC. They don’t call me Manhunter for nuthin’ ;) Snap me yo J’onzz: iwantharveysmilk

About Captain America Looking for something more serious. Like they did in the 40’s. I miss the 40’s.

Shared Friends (1) Your Boyfriend

Shared Friends (1) Phil Coulson

Shared Interests (6) Your Boyfriend Real Men Are From Mars Gaylien Porn Justice for Illegal Aliens Association Hubble Telescope Invaders from Mars

Shared Interests (11) Monkeys I Love Lucy Moon Landing Rocky Steve Jobs Berlin Wall Disco Star Wars Star Trek Nirvana Troubleman (OST) Fox News

5000 miles away

Active 12 moons ago

2 miles away

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Paula Deen’s Recipe for a

Superhero Movie Ingredients: 1 Scarlett Johansson--just a dash (any more and the viewers will start to feel bad about themselves) 1 vaguely racist cast of characters (Make sure you have a white main character. We know Marvel and DC is getting ready to launch 5 white superhero movies, but no one wants diversity. Why did anyone cast Samuel Jackson as Nick Fury?) A fuckton of butter! For a Healthier Option: Watchmen that have high nutrient values and makes you think (about existential issues and such)?

BREAKING: Sightings of a Cornell Vigilante Reports of sightings of a masked vigilante around campus have dramatically increased. The identity and motives of this individual are unknown but there have been mysterious occurrences around the university that are linked to his activity. Trends ibnclude decreases in crime alert notifications, slight increases in the average GPA of students despite pledging, and the general success in winter sports teams. To find more information about the mysterious vigilante, our reporters forcibly interrogated various Cornell students who stated that they have in some way, shape, or form been affected by this Cornell vigilante. These students however have decided not to disclose their names.                                                                                                         There has been mixed information regarding the physique of the vigilante. Some described him to be tall and muscular, with a devilishly handsome face, while others said he was short and plump, yet surprisingly athletic. “The man’s definitely got a lot of time on his hands. He’s got to be a Hotelie or a serious stoner. Probably both,” one student mentioned.            Another student also confirmed that the Cornell vigilante was a stoner. “I lost my Cornell ID once a couple weeks ago. I never lose my ID so I was really quite bamboozled,” the student said. “About three disappointing days later, it turned up square on the center of the desk in my room. My room was also totally hot-boxed and my ID a few BRB’s short. But hey, I’m just happy my ID’s safe home again.” One student reported to have seen the vigilante late on a Friday night after coming home from a party. “I was going back to my apartment with a few friends after my mixer,” she told us, “suddenly I saw a man in a cape wearing a black ski mask, goggles, long underwear, and lots of Under Armour sprinting on the other side of the street. I lost sight of him when he ran into some nearby woods. I was very confused.” The student also told us that she was quite drunk when she saw the vigilante and was returning from a superhero-themed mixer.                                           Another student reported that the vigilante had been regularly attending the Cornell hockey games. “He really knows how to get the crowd going,” he mentioned. However this information was confirmed to be invalid as the student happened to mistake Touchdown the Bear for the vigilante.                                                                                                                   There have been other occurrences that have been linked to vigilante activity. One student mentioned that his professor stopped showing up for lecture halfway through the semester. “It was weird, it felt like my ENGRI lecture was being run by a TA after that. Probably because it was.” Another student reported that he mysteriously received an unusually high grade on his prelim. “After I finished that test, I realized there was no possible way I could have done well on that. I baloney-sandwiched most of the questions on it. But when I found that I nearly got a perfect score on it, I was outrageously confused, yet outrageously happy.”                   

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MARVEL Press Release

Greetings, true believers! We at Marvel Entertainment Group know you want movies with A-list heroes. Unfortunately, as long as Fox and Sony keep making bad movies, we can’t give you that (because of licensing). But don’t worry, exciting things are going on in the comics--not that anyone reads the comics! X-men and Spiderman are going to be quarantined from the mainstream MCU (Marvel Comicbook Universe)--as if killing off Peter Parker and replacing him with Doctor Octopus wasn’t enough. The books are an original story heavily based on the pre-existing storyline of the infinity gems. For those unfamiliar, Thanos (another B-list super-villian) controls reality with 7 gems (because that’s how physics works). Our movies about the infinity gems is just a coincidence. We’re not hyping the movies with comic book tie-ins. So, get excited! Sending Spiderman and the X-men to separate universes, effectively killing them off, could be a bigger event in comics than the death of Superman; no one would expect a main character to be resurrected. It’s not like we already killed Agent Coulson in Agents of Shield and revived him. This is not a ploy to sell more books. Unrelatedly, we anticipate a lot of demand for these books so order soon. There has never been a better time to be a Marvel fan! DC just committed to making movies with 5 of their A-list properties, but let’s be real, it’s not Marvel, so it’s gonna suck. On the other hand, we’re working on original storylines based entirely off existing comics with B-list heroes. Get excited for storylines you already know to be completely different because they star Robert Downey, Jr. and Scarlett Johansson!

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ABSOLVERS SCANDAL EMBARASSES GARGEL! Gargel™ has recently been hit with allegations that their Absolvers franchise has been plagiarized from that of a lesser-known studio’s property. The film features several well-known Gargel™ characters, such as: Mr. Soviet—Supply and demand? More like, supplication and command!—an ex-KGB officer wielding a hammer and sickle; the Incredible Bulge— You want to know my secret? I’m always horny—also known as Bruce Beaunner; Däle Juniør, ruler of Nascard; Irony Man, who is not a superhero and is also not ironic which is ironic, I guess, but he’s not, though; and, the uninteresting and useless Crack Bimbo and Hawk Cock, respectively.

The film also features a four-second glimpse of the villain Eros, who wields the Virginity Gauntlet (a weapon capable of fist-fucking the entire universe). The lawsuit may delay the release of the studio’s next thirty-seven films in development, such as the wasabout-to-be-soon-to-be-released Guardians of Absurdity featuring Gweed, RPG the Baboon, Carlord, Sodom, and Drak. The studio had already acquired the rights to the actors’ lives back in 2005.

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SEEME

From the creators of Watchmen, comes a new great American Classic:

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An exclusive LUNATIC interview with

CAPTAIN FALCON!

Lunatic: Ladies and gentlemen, today I would like introduce you to tonight’s special guest. He puts the ‘apt’ in ‘captain’, the ‘mach’ in ‘macho’, and shoves an ‘I’ right into the word ‘team’. Please welcome Captain Falcon!!! Captain Falcon: Glad to be here, Jeff. Lunatic: Oh, I’m sure you are! Alright, let’s get this show on the road. Tell us a bit about yourself. How’s it like being a superhero? Captain Falcon: Well, I’m not really sure people consider me a superhero— Lunatic: Whoa! Hold up there chief! Not a superhero? I used to worship you when I was a kid, man. You were and still are my go-to character in Smash. Don’t you go telling people you’re not a superhero. You hear me? Don’t you be saying crazy stuff like that. Anyways? Captain Falcon: Sorry... Well, being me is tough. There’s a lot of people out there who depend on me. Like at least half of the Super Smash Bros. community and the dedicated fans of F Zero. It’s a lot of fun but it takes time away from my family and other job. Lunatic: Other job? Captain Falcon: Being a superhero doesn’t really put bread on the table. I’m also a gynecologist. My practice has a great insurance plan for guys like me who Smash all the time. Lunatic: Excellent, I see. So, you got any other hobbies? Captain Falcon: Well I’ve gotten pretty serious about NASCAR recently. I watch all the series (continued on p. 13)

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Strings cups. Dale Earnhardt, Jr. is phenomenal! I also follow the NFL. I wasn’t too happy about the Atlanta Falcons this season though. I’m loving Manchester City right now. But besides sports, I also like ping pong, weight lifting, and playing board games with my children. Lunatic: Thats great. So how’s F Zero going for you? Captain Falcon: I think I might be retired. I haven’t really raced in a Grand Prix since 2004. But you never know I just might make my big reappearance. Lunatic: Good for you. So how are the enemies doing? You know like Black Shadow, Blood Falcon, Ganondorf, Falco, Hawkgirl? Captain Falcon: You know, t hey’re doing great! Most of them are in jail where they should be. Ganondorf and Falco are really pissing me off though. Ganondorf needs go to find his own thing instead of copying my moves. And Falco. The next time I see him, I’m going to say “Show me your moves” and Falcon Punch him straight in the kisser. Lunatic: Hmm. Falcon Punch? That reminds me, tell me more about your superpowers. Captain Falcon: Well other than my dashing good looks and second-to-none Falcon Punching abilities, I can also Falcon Kick, Raptor Boost, run people over with my car, and can control fire slightly better than most people. Doesn’t seem like much but it works every time. Lunatic: Man, you’re the real deal! You know, I’ve see a lot of your Falcon Punches and have always wanted to experience one myself. Alright, you know what to do. Lay one on me birdman! Captain Falcon: You’ve got to be crazy! In front of a live audience? Do you what happened to the last guy I did this to? Lunatic: Oh, I know what happened! It was beautiful! This is going to great for my ratings! Alright audience who wants to see one of Captain Falcon’s mighty Falcon Punches? Audience: *Cheers in excitement* Captain Falcon: Alright. Well I guess you asked for it. FALCOOOOOOOOON… PUUUUUUUUNNNCHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Post Scriptum: After the outcome of this interview, Captain Falcon was never invited by any other TV host on live television or any other interviewer for that matter.

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Thor, 9000 8 dimensions away

Hawk Eye, 34 54 miles away

Active 5 lightenings ago

About Thor Don’t talk to me if you’re not an earth woman. #ANOTHER Shared Interests (7) Crossfit Ace Hardware Loki Fan Fiction

Norse Mythology

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About Hawk Eye hey Shared Friends (1) Aquaman Shared Interests (1) Scarlett Johansson

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Redtube

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Iron Man, 42

Black Widow, 25

About Iron Man Don’t tell Pepper.

About Black Widow looking for a new husband Russian Spy Academy ‘12

7 miles away

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Shared Friends (3) Bruce Banner JARVIS Shared Interests (3) AC/DC Blueberries

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Galaga

69 miles away

Pepper Potts

Active 2 minutes ago

Shared Friends (1) Peter Parker Shared Interests (1) Дик


LOCAL SUPERHERO JADEN SMITH SAVES WORLD FROM COHERENCE Twitterverse, USA – Last Thursday, local superhero Jaden Smith successfully defeated the nation’s most powerful supervillain, Coherence. Until Thursday, Coherence was one of the most dangerous and farreaching supervillains, controlling all of the digital world. Early Thursday morning, Coherence began losing control of the Twitterverse as a result of an unprecedented move from Smith.

According to witness accounts, Coherence attempted to respond with the following tweet, but was pummeled by over 6,000 total retweets and favorites of this terribly-composed tweet.

The tweet remains unfinished, as Coherence was dealt a crushing final blow by Smith.

Smith’s final blow, gaining a total of over 12,000 retweets and favorites, blasted Coherence out of the Twitterverse. Coherence collided forcefully with a large mirror, which “[cannot] Be Real If Our Eyes Aren’t Real” according to local superhero Jaden Smith. Upon impact, Coherence was killed instantly, according to a report from the Reflective Police. Coherence is survived by his wife, Incoherence, his son, Dingo Pletherman, and his daughter, Willow.

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Wolf[Revision of Wall Street History] The WolfMan on Wall Street: The world of crime can be a jungle. The WerewolfMan on Wall Street: The world of crime can be a jungle. Aaooooooooo. The WherewolfMan on Wall Street: Where am I?

The Wolves near Wall Street: That alley near Wall Street can be a jungle. A Wolf Called Wall Street:

Woof.

The Wolf of Ball Street: Fetch can be a jungle. The Wolf of Baller Street: Get it, dawg!.

[Editor’s note: Because it’s dawg, like dog, and it’s a wolf. You get it?] The Dachshund of Wall Street: The world of adopting can be a jungle.

The Wolf of Walmart: The express lane can be a jungle. The Wall of Wolf Street: The jungle of investing can be a world.

The Wolf at College and Dryden: Not now, I have a prelim tomorrow! The Wolf of Wall Street: The world of investing can be a jungle.

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Everyday Items that as Superheroes

Double

Not all superheroes have capes, bulging six packs, and girlfriends with alliterative names like Lois Lane. Much like Republican Presidential candidates or gummy fruit snacks, superheroes come in many different shapes and sizes. In fact, many inanimate objects actually have hidden superpowers. Here are just a few everyday objects that double as superheroes:

Object: Broccoli

Object: Velveeta Cheese Sauce

Hidden Superpower: Justifies eating Velveeta Cheese Sauce.

Object: Paper Clips

Hidden Superpower: Has the rare ability to convince Arkansas residents to eat broccoli.

Hidden Superpower: Can do exactly what staples do, just less effectively.

Object: Rubik’s Cube

Hidden Superpower: Makes frenetic thumb twiddling a respectable activity.

Object: Helium

Hidden Superhero: Can turn mutli-colored condom-like things into toys for children.

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A Visit to the DC Medical Clinic Doctor: Superman, what brings you in today? Superman: My girlfriend and IDoctor: Ya, Lois, everyone’s figured it out. Superman: We’ve been having some trouble. Doctor: Sounds like more of a job for a therapist. Superman: No, it’s not that. We get along just fine. In fact, things are great. Well, most things… Doctor: How do you mean? Superman: Well, it’s a physical issue. A matter of vitality, really. Doctor: Vitality? I’ve seen you lift semi-trucks! Superman: I don’t think you understand. Doctor: You’re Superman, a god among men, how in the world could you have a vitality problem? Superman: I can fight crime all day, blow out burning buildings, undo tornadoes, but when I get home… I can’t “keep up”. Doctor: Pardon? Superman: I show up to the party, but my right hand man’s not there. Doctor: Huh? Superman: My Popeye’s all out of spinach. Doctor: What in the world are you talking about. Superman: Doc, I’m getting old, don’t make me say it out loud… Doctor: I seriously don’t know what you’re talking about. Superman: There’s just not much super left in my man. Doctor: Seriously, just tell m…Oh…Ohhhh. Superman: Ya… Doctor: You’re serious? Superman: I wish I wasn’t. Doctor: Wow. I just. Wow. Superman: So can you help me or not? Doctor: Sure… Take this pill a few hours before and you should be just fine. Superman: Thanks Doc. *Leaves*

Doctor: Who would’ve thought, Man of Steel in the streets, Mr. Fantastic in the sheets…

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ABILIFY indroduces new superhero to put a whimsical spin on side effects! 19


How did the Heroes We Know and Love Come To Be? ANT-MAN may be getting the Hollywood treatment later this year, but long before he had all the wondrous powers of an ant, he was better known as Rant-man. Rantman was always around the corner to offer a spiteful word or two, and you could always count on him to chew out the jerk who double parked behind you or lecture a Brony about the disturbing sexualization of a children’s cartoon.

What’s that jaywalking across the street? It’s a bird! It’s a plane! No it’s MEDIOCRE MAN! Long before Superman made his debut as our knight in blue spandex, he was just a regular ol’ alien trying to live among us! He used to be called Mediocre Man for his daily acts of decency lead by his basic moral compass!

Aquaman’s story sure does tug at the heart strings; prior to becoming the master of the sea, he was your typical drunk, going by the name VODKAMAN. Vodkaman claimed he was “saving the cities youth from the dangers of alcohol: one shot at a time!” Shortly after his fifteenth arrest for public urination, Vodkaman cleaned up his act with a short stint in rehab, emerging as the newly reformed Aquaman. Before Iron Man was everyone’s favorite crime-fighting metal man, he used his mechanical genius to build washers, dryers, and steamers specifically for laundromats earning him the title IRONING MAN! Batman who? This mysterious and brooding dark knight used to go by RATMAN, protecting citizen’s from nearly constant rat attacks, that is until Gotham’s Pest Control finally got the situation under control. We all admire Captain America, but did you know he used to be called CAPTAIN CANADA?! That’s right! He used to fight for justice for our neighbors to the North, in fact, he was the one who implemented universal health care up there! Thanks Captain Canada!

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INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY

SUPERFROSH Bitches about prelims on Yikyak Has Ability to drink much more than other freshman, trust me Was valedictorian in high school Secret nemesis: pile of laundry in corner of room in Jameson

Of Unknown country of origin Will only look at the ground, despite having ability to walk quickly Watching soccer on phone at all times Parents own small country

ATHLETISMO

Owns 80 pairs of sweatpants Green Gatorade bottle of health Lacks ability to see NARPs

THE PANTHEON of Cornell PROFESSORY Has good parking spot right behind lecture hall Is in most important of all fields, which will surely spared by upcoming budget cuts Commands legions of destitute grad students from office full of trade journals Not as good as Professor X, still better than Professor Z (Emeritus)

THE GOOSE Uggs, leggings and puffy trench coat clad With hard work at summer jobs, got a German SUV Does not know how to drive German SUV Alternates between Pixel and Mann library Follows Athletismo around

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How I Became a Superhero...

MONDAY DECEMBER

3

I still haven’t told anyone about my recent transformation, but when I accidentally bumped into Jeanine today at the dining hall, I tried to make some subtle hints. “Notice anything different about me?,” I asked her. She apparently didn’t notice because she asked me if I got a “new haircut or something.” But whatever. She’s never exactly been the sharpest tool in the shed.

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Maybe Jeanine’s right. Maybe I’m not a superhero after all. But how could that be!? I just know I am.

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This morning, on my waIk to class, I came to an intersection and had to wait for a few cars to pass. But then, once I determined that there was a sufficiently safe interval between cars, I decided to go for it, despite the “don’t walk” sign. Like Moses parting the Red Sea--or to be more exact--like Moses defying the red “don’t walk” sign, I led the way into dangerous territory. By the time I had made it halfway across the street, the red “don’t walk” had turned into a white “walk” sign. And that’s when I finally discovered my superpower: the ability to predict the future.

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Wow. These past few days have been crazy. I’ve always wanted to become a superhero, but I never thought it would be this easy. If you too want to be a superhero, it’s not so hard. All you have to do is believe in yourself. And if you believe you’re a superhero, then you’re right! That’s what I’ve learned these past few days.

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On another note, I learned today that Creamsicles are orange-vanilla flavored popsicles. Sounds kinda gross. I never actually knew what “Creamsicle” meant. I just thought it was a fun word to say, very phonetically unique, ya know? Huh... I guess you learn something new every day. I wonder what I’ll learn tomorrow. Just kidding, I already know because I can predict the future. It feels good to be a superhero.

FRIDAY DECEMBER

THURSDAY DECEMBER

WEDNESDAY DECEMBER

SUNDAY DECEMBER

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When I woke up this morning, my body was pulsing. My eyes were twitching uncontrollably, and I couldn’t stop mouthing the word “Creamsicle.” I felt different... Finally, I figured out what had happened to me. I had become a superhero overnight! I am still yet to discover what my power is, but I am sure that I have one…

TUESAY DECEMBER

(And How You Can, Too!)

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Cornell Daily Lunatic April 1, 2015

CORNELL’S NEWEST SUPERHERO WHO IS HE? WHAT DOES HE DO? HOW DOES HE DO IT? WHEN DOES HE DO IT? WITH WHOM DOES HE DO IT? WHY DOES HE DO IT?

Ithaca, NY — The new superhero that might be employed near the Ithaca/Cornell area sometime in the possible future has a fantastic new power. He is the first of his kind. Spiderman is able to make webs. Batman can fly. Iron man irons shirts to perfection. Captain America does not really do anything. For a while, our citizens have been concerned that there has not been enough protection in the city. After the resignation of Tye Dye Man a year and a half ago, The Commons has remained colorless and unguarded. Barefoot Man’s graduation last May has left the Art’s Quad unsecured and depressing. Without anyone to smile at them while simultaneously mastering yoga poses, the Arts students of Cornell have been having a hard time focusing in their bullshit liberal arts classes. Sophomore Skylar Potter has expressed his concern over the new addition, “I just hope this new guy doesn’t try anything funny.

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This is a day job, and he needs to know that.” When asked why he seemed so pessimistic, Potter explained that his freshman year here, he woke up to IC superhero, Art Boy, painting a picture of him he slept. He is still affected by the incident and sleeps with a can of spray paint under his pillow. There has shown to be much excitement in the faculty community, as well. Professor of horticulture, Terry Slughorn claims, “His powers seem to rival those of my great great grandfather who illustrated the $20 bill. I am excited to see what he can do in our city.” With the addition of this new superhero to our campus, the undergraduate admissions committee hopes to see a large increase in the number of applications by 2023. This new superhero offers security, human connection, unconditional love, and a new face at Cornell. In, addition, his powers prove most useful. (Contd. on page 37)


Cornell Daily Lunatic April 1, 2015

SUPERMAN WORKING FOR NSA, ANALYST REVEALS METROPOLIS, NY—It was revealed on Monday that the National Security Agency has paid Superman over ten million dollars since June of 2013 to perform certain fieldwork. His contract, which was uploaded to KryptiLeaks, included routinely flying over Metropolis to seek out signs of terrorist activity. It is thought that Superman’s X-ray vision and superhuman hearing were sought out by the agency due to their low cost compared to more traditional wiretaps and satellite imaging.

I have long been committed to defending justice and freedom for everyday citizens of all walks of life. And if this involves covertly spying on these same citizens, I will take it as my solemn duty.

Mild-mannered whistleblower Clark Kent

(The above quotation was printed in a speech bubble at the speaker’s request.)

The use of superheroes for contract work is non unprecedented. For instance, Comcast enlisted the help of the Flash in 2008 after it was decided that his speed allowed him to personally deliver emails faster than the service provider ever could. Similarly, the Hulk spent years doing demolition work for his county after the job description was explained to him in terms of “smash.” More recently, Aquaman applied to work alongside Superman at the NSA, but his services were rejected. The identity of the whistleblower was uncovered to be a Mr. Clark Kent, though his relation to Superman is as yet unknown.

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REJECTED ARTICLE IDEAS Hazing In The Justice League, An Insider’s Perspective: “They Made Me Sew Hulk’s Shorts Back Together, Clean Flash’s Scuff Marks, Clean Spiderman’s ‘Web’; It Was Horrible “Stan Lee” - Eminem Ft. Dido Remake Tops Billboard Hot 1000 Charts Captain Post-Racial America: “Racism Is Completely Gone Now! 2015 Is Great!” Marvel’s New ‘Business-Man’ Tests Well With Focus Groups “Comic Book Readers Now Cool,” Says New Comic Book Industry Alliance Study Marvel Teams Up With Trojan To Create New Hulk Green “Extra Elastic,” Flash Red “Frictionless,” and Captain’s Colors “For the Little Patriot in You” Condoms Thor Teams Up With Fructis For “Maybe He’s Born With It, Maybe It’s Mjolnir” Ad Campaign Superman Actually Does More Good Reporting the News As Clark Kent Than Saving The World, Says The Society for Truth Through Journalism and North American Villains’ Alliance Superman Finally Responds To Waiting for “Superman”: “Students Better Off Being In The Phantom Zone Than Classroom” Justice League Feeder School Students Who Were Thrown Off Buildings But Failed Flight Tests Find Success In Football Leagues All Over Nation’s Campuses Unified Trajectory Finally Downs One Member of One Direction Tourette-Syndrome To The Incurables: “Because When Everyone’s Twitching, No One Is” An Open Letter from Lex Luthor to Mr. Trump: A Man’s Power Does Not Come From His Hair, But From His Head The Wonder Twins Whose Only Power Is “Conjoin” Tests Badly With Audiences

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BLAME PAGE Front Cover Why Aren’t There Any... WARNING Batman Texts Superheroes Are Just Like Us! Superheroes Are... Pictures Garbageman Tinder Paula Deen’s Recipe Ant-Man Soup Cornell Vigilante Marvel Press Release Absolvers SEEMEN Captain Falcon Interview Stand-Up Act Strings Tinder 2 Jaden Smith Tweets Wolf of Wall Street Revision History Everyday Objects... Kathy Zoner Comic DC Clinic WWS Abilify How did the Superheroes... Justice League Reunion Clock Tower Dr. Doom Green Bong Pantheon of Cornell WHIPFLASH How I Became a Superhero Cornell’s Newest Superhero Bat, Man? Superman and the NSA Back Cover

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Spring 2015  
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