10· centrespread
centrespread 11
Escape the Sun with this
Summer~
Blockbusters
lt's that time of year: exam results are looming, the irritation at the living back at your parents', and a menial and tedious summer iob that you're only doing for the money. But in this sea of gloom and
HULK
We couldn't find a picture of The I talian ] ob, so here's some minis.
"l:iulk smash puny box office records." Well, it hasn't·happened yet. In the 80s there was the passable, though generic and predictable, TV series, which was like The Littlest Hobo but with a big, green, angry man instead of a dog. Then there were several spin .off TV movies, which were most notable {or the various cameos and gue~t appearances by Hulk creator Stan Lee, long before Kevin Smith had the hcainwave to give him a speaking part. This time, the muscle-bound green one certainly stands a good chance. Hot on the heels of a spate of comicbook adaptations including last year's summer hit S?ider-Man, the sub-par Daredevil fiick, the frankly a'Nful Bullet Proof Monk, the disappointing X-Men sequel earlier this month, and the much-troubled uague of Extraordinary Gentlemen [see below], fillk will c·e rtainly have to potential to cash in on a well-established trend. Ang Lee (no relation) of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon fame is in the directorial chair and is, without a d~ubt, a bizarre c:1oice. The film has train-wreck potential, but as with many of the other films mentioned, there will h'pefully be as much time spent on the characters as on the carnage that will surely ensue when Hulk p11ts in an appearance. As long as they don't try to . recreate the TV series, it'll do fine.
Ryan Stephen$
TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF -THE MACHINES
Doing their bit for feminism- Ch arlie' s Angels get wet.
Ten y.ears after TZ comes the belated and almost certainly redundant sequel. But not everyone sold tl.eir souls to come back for the ride: Series creator, drector and all round crack pot James Cameron jl:lllped ship before a word of script was written, whilst eo-star Linda Hamilton at least got through reading hers before publicly slating the project. T:1ere is really only one big name attached to the project, and that is Arnold Schwarzenegger, who returns as the monosyllabic killing machine. Except, it being a post TZ and 9/ll·world, he's the monosyllabic wise-cracking, gentle maiming machine. Arnie, having seen his film career disappaar down the End of Days/Collateral Damage shaped plughole, was desperate to reprise his most fsmous role, graciously accepting the 25 million dollar paycheque offered to him. Reasons to be excited, besides the possibility of an on form Schwarzenegger include a new killer robot in the shapely form of Norwegian supermodel Kristanria Loken and a budget so stupendously huge that it has to result in some impressive set-pieces. And, daspite all prophetic visions of doom, initial word is that the super sequel has impressed Warner Bros. bosses and test audiences with Jonathan Stahl coming in for much applause for his more authoritative, less fiicky-haired interpretation of John Connor. Replacing Edward Furlong, who was unavailable due to his continued drug addiction. The scamp. Phil Colvin
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN
Sean Connery p repares for a final showdown with Stephen Norrington.
21.05.03
H;tting our shores in August, Pirates of the C3ribbean is an incredibly promising adaptation of the well-known Disney attraction. Although its roots in a theme park ride have caused many to have severe feelings of trepidation over the success of the project, the production team, writing sta.ff and c~st involved in the feature should lay those fears to a watery grave. Jerry Bruckheimer was approached by Disney with a script for the film which at first
failed to "wow" him, although he claims he could see its potential. After drafting in writers Ted Elliot and Terry Rossio (the partnership behind Shrek and The Mask of Zorro) the story started to take a very pleasing shape. From the conceptual art available on its website, pirates of the Caribbean :seems to contain a whole host of endearing pirate cliches, from walking the plank above shark infested seas, to on ship battles. The cursed Pirate crew led by Geoffrey Rush present a fantastic spin on the typical parrot-toting, rum-swilling villains, that have a nasty surprise when moonlight falls upon them. Johnny Depp stars as "good" pirate captain Jack Sparrow who becomes embroiled in the p lot after. his ship is stolen by Rush's character. Gore The Ring Verbinski directs, who should create a very eerie, atmospheric ambience over the already existing dark areas of the plot. Christian Floyd ·
TOMB RAIDER 2: CRADLE OF LIFE Also back for a sequel is every feminist's favourite symbol of well proportioned, ass kicking glory, Lara Croft. Having made a capable first s tab at cinematic immortality in Simon West's first film, Angelina Jolie returns with new director Jan de Bont. Best known for the cinematic thrill ride which was Speed, and the cinematic boat wreck which was Speed 2, De Bont's attachment to the franchise suggests the film's producers aren't keen to tread the path of a high minded, dark sequel with what is essentially a paper thin character (enormous cleavage withstanding, obviously). The order of the day, then, are motorcycle chases on the Great Wall of China, jet skis and base jumps from terrifically high buildings. Fan boys may be distressed, however, to learn that Lara is not travelling the world alone. Gerard Butler (soon to be seen in the ominously under publicised Timeline) has been drafted in to play a fellow Tomb Raider cum love interest Terry Sheridan. Those worried about the alterations to their Angelina Jolie fantasies may be comforted, though, by the
prospect of some semi-revealing love scenes for their favourite leading lady. Just pretend the guy isn't there, or something. Ph ll Col vin
CHARLIE'S ANGELS: FULL THROTTLE Back in the 70s, Kate Jackson, Farrah Fawcett and Jaclyn Smith unshackled themselves from their kitchen sinks and, as Charlie's Angels, proved that women could do the James Bond thing, too. Once they'd made their point (without a charred bra in sight) they were banished to satellite reruns and celebrity mediocrity. There were rumours that one of them had started doing porn to eap1 of living, making a mockery of everything the Angels did for feminism. Then three years ago, the entire concept was reborn for the big screen and took the world by storm- well, less 'storm' and more 'spring shower' really - with Drew Barrymoore, Cameron Diaz and Lucy Liu as the leads. Unfortunately the three original Angels were too old to reprise the roles. So much of make-up and special effects. This summer sees the sequel, which means the first one mu.s t have actually made some money. So once again, you can catch the Angels as they battle to stop the nefarious schemes of an evil former ally. This will most likely involve stuff blowing up and people hitting each other, as they strike another blow for women's rights in an age when the point is mute. But if they wear bikinis while they're doing it, who am I · to complain?
Ryan Stephens
THE ITALIAN JOB Back in the mid 1980s, media mogul Ted Turner decided that the main problem with most old movies was that they were in black and white. To fix this, he
decided to make them colour, buying the rights to dozens of classics and fiddling with them digitally. And he would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for a pesky consortium of sane people, led by Martin Scorsese, who pointed out what a stupid idea it was. Now, underpant model Mark Walllberg has apparently identified another problem with old movies: they don't star Mark Walllberg. To fix this, he's decided to remake them all, starting with Planet of the Apes and Charade (remade as The Truth About Charlie) and continuing soon with The italian job. Heston, Grant, Caine, Walllberg- somehow one of those names doesn't fit. ' Hey... you were only... [looks concerned] ... supposed to blow...[squints a bit] ... the doors off'. No. Sorry. It's just not going to work. And hopefully, after this fails, neither will Wahlberg. Has anyone got Scorsese's phone number?
]im Wlaalley
LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN Or LXG as it's ·b een dubbed. Yes, it does sound stupid, but let's not judge a book by its cover. The film does have the advantage of being this summer's third (well, fourth if you count Bullet Proof Monk, which I don't) comic book adaptation. On the other hand, it has the disadvantage of not being a particularly well-known one. Hulk has a past in televiston. Spider-Man is a household name. Even X-Men was the best-selling comic in America for over ten years, including during the boom of the early 90s. The original comicbook only came out about three or four years ago with a sequel being published at the moment, and while it has a loyal following in that market, a few comic nerds who exult Alan'Moore as a comic-writing god and master magician aren't necessarily going to equate to huge box-office takings. Add to that the troubled production of the movie - involving the floods in Prague last summer destroying the set and rumours that male lead Sean Connery and director Stephen Norrington had arguments that may or may not have resulted in fisticuffs - and hopes aren't particularly.high. With 200 l's mediocre From Hell, Moore hasn't been particularly well represented at the cinema and sadly this looks set to continue that trend.
Don 't do it, Lara. We love you!
Suddenly the reasons for all the b a d acting b ecom e clear.
R yan Stephens
SPY KIDS 3D Robert Rodriegez is a crazy, Mexican genius. He more or less makes films on his own· (he wrote, directed, filmed and designed Spy Kids 2, as well as eo-writing the music) and they are usually more fun than ten movies made ·by anyone else. Spy Kids 3D looks like continuing the trend. For a start, as the title so subtly suggests, it's going to be in 3D. Not since the third jaws have people had a chance to sit together in the dark wearing stupid glasses while waving their hands in front of their faces. Then there's Rodriegez's terrific sense of casting. Spy Kids managed to find not one but two non-irritating child-actors as well as let'ting Antonio Banaras be funny. This time, the director has managed to find a role for Sly Stallone. But most of all, it's the level of invention that makes Rodri~gez's movies such essential viewing. If you honestly can't bring yourself to watch a film . called Spy Kids, don't fret: Rodriegez's new film for adults, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, starring Johnny Depp, is out later in the year.
]im Whalley
Revealed: Details of Johnny Depp's lifestyle choice.
21.05.03